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Re:Zero Shitposts

Summary:

Our funniest ideas from discord written out as one-shots.

The slander will never die.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Nah, I'd watch

Chapter Text

Reinhard noticed Wilhelm from the corner of his eye, staring at him on the rooftop. "I hate him", "He's a monster", "What a disappointment" he must've thought. Reinhard didn’t need the Divine Protection of Mind Reading to know that much.

But he could not see the truth.

The truth being that no one could possibly observe the battle better than Reinhard. Other than his perfect vision from birth, he had multitude of divine protections preventing even a single detail from escaping him. Some to give him enough speed, so should he ever wish to change perspectives, he could do so in a fraction of a second. The Divine Protection of Perfect Memory engraining it into his mind, so he could never forget.

He always preferred it this way but his duty as a Sword Saint to the Kingdom had gotten in the way—The Sages asking him to get to the Watchtower or kill any significant figure, anytime at all. It took them a while to realize what he was, though, once he made it clear, they decided to let him remain a war deterrent.

Even though he regretted his grandmother’s death dearly, he was somewhat thankful she died to the White Whale.
It was precedent—It allowed him to convey “See? A Sword Saint, too, can be a failure” without making it suspicious. Of course, if he could, he’d rather not even be a deterrent. The thought of merely observing the battle between the Divine Generals and Volcanica was enough to make the Od Laguna grant him the Divine Protection of Self Restraint.
Oh well. He doubts he could do a better arrangement than that. Though, none could beat the one that simply fell in his lap.

That arrangement, of course, was simply the existence of Subaru Natsuki—Always at the right place, at the right time, taking the exact actions to lead him to victory. Reinhard's enhanced mind could tell it had nothing to do with luck, which is why he felt comfortable ignoring his duty and leave it all to him, even if up until that point, him doing his duty was nothing but a charade.

Right now Subaru was battling the Archbishops of Greed, Lust and Gluttony at the same time. He didn't really have a chance at winning, especially after Reinhard hid his trusty whip, but Reinhard knew he'd find a way. Now all he needed to do was wait, and see it for himself.

His grandfather walked closer, now standing next to him. "I have something I'd like to ask you grandson," He said. From the tone of his voice, Reinhard knew—He realized it too. "Are you Reinhard van Astrea because you do nothing or do you do nothing because you’re Reinhard van Astrea?"

"Nah, I'd watch.”

For the very first time, The Sword Saint, no, The Fraud Saint and The Sword Demon were on the same page. A moment of understanding before Wilhelm jumped in to help the grandson he actually likes.

Notes:

If you got ideas let us know in the comments. If it's peak enough we might write it out.