Helluva Beach

by M0ralMxJMEME

Summary:

*Please read notes before all chapters*

Moxxie plans a private beach day with Millie after tiresome jobs at I.M.P., and Blitz invites himself, Stolas and Loona on the trip.

Notes:

Hello and welcome to another "Helluva Boss" fic! A special thanks to RadioApple_RadioStatic2000 for inspiring this story, and if you haven't read their work, please do because it's great and had me howling!

Anyway, welcome and enjoy! Requests, notes, ect.? Feel free to shout them out!

Chapter 1: Life's a Blitz

“Stolas, you're like, super good at a lotta shit, but this is I.M.P.’s fuckin' office. You don't have to clean it up, it's fine as is.” Stolas was cleaning left and right. "’Fine?’ Fine, you say?! And I work here now too!”

"I mean, not as fine as you at the pool, but like-”

"Ahhhh!” 

"Honey, what is it?!”

“This cup is still half full! How old is it?! There's mold and there are various bugs in it, Blitzy!" He walked and threw the cup down. Blitz patted his back. “See? Half full! You're an optimist, Stol-ass!” Stolas yelped as Blitz slapped his rear. "But for real, don't touch Loona or Millie's shit. They're private and particular. Do what you want with Moxxie's stuff.”

"Really? I'd think he'd be the more particular one of all of you!”

"Oh, he sure is. But it's adorable, by which I mean ‘fucking hilarious,’ to see him get pissed.” Stolas scoffed dramatically. “Oh, don't get pissy, Sexy Feathers." Blitz rubbed his boyfriend's chest seductively. “Since M and M apparently ain't showing up anytime soon, let's-" The door opened to reveal a stressed Moxxie with Millie massaging him to no avail. Blitz jumped right off of Stolas. "Yo, May and Knolastname, where the fuck were you?!”

“Traffic, sir." Moxxie trudged to his desk. "The fuck? Don't you two ding dongs, emphasis on dongs, get up early for shit so Moxxie can, I dunno, sort his socks or something?” Blitz grabbed a chair. “Oh, fuck off, Blitz the Bitch." Millie fluffed her hair. “We overslept by accident." 

“So it is your fuckin' fault." 

“No!" Moxxie looked up from having his face planted in his desk. “You had us out until fucking 2 AM this morning crashing some stupid college party!" 

“Yeah, we're exhausted!" Millie threw her head back. She looked around. "And not to be rude or throw her under the bus or anythin’, but I don't see you barking at Loona, and she's not here!”

"Loony is busy too, she's having a hard time with stuff!”

"What stuff?” Even Stolas was confused. "Whatever young adult teens struggle with! What tampons to buy, money, hair and acne shit, which hetero-ass YA book series to binge to make ‘erself look smarter to ‘er peers, I don't fuckin' know!”

"With all due respect, sir, Millie also has tons going on and she drove us both to work.” Moxxie was so tired he could hardly keep his head up from the desk. "What stuff, like her own period? Ew, vulgar, Mox! I don't wanna hear about your wife's vagina!”

“I didn't say-" 

“Blitz!" The two others barked.

 

They all sat around for a meeting later on. "Okay, Stolas, you're new here, so I want you to know that just because you make me cum with only a few tugs-”

"Blitzy!” Stolas recoiled with embarrassment. Blitz sneered. “-Doesn’t mean I'll give you special treatment.”

"Like you give Loona?" Moxxie dramatically gestured to her with both arms. She sat at the very back and nodded. “Yo." 

"Fuck you, Moxxie! She showed up eventually, didn't she?!” Blitz was practically foaming at the mouth when Stolas yelped. “What's the matter?!" Millie shot him a sympathetic look. “Why all this arguing?!" He wailed. "I just started working for you, I don't want the friendship to die!” He wailed again, into the table. Moxxie awkwardly patted his back, but shot Blitz his own look. Blitz was confused. Moxxie aggressively nodded towards Stolas. “There, there, uh… hon.” Loona snorted. "This is fucked, even for I.M.P.”

"She's right. The fuck is wrong with us?” Moxxie but his lip and swallowed. “Well, stuff has been really stressful." Millie tapped her chin. “I think we need a vacation." 

“Right as always, dear!" Moxxie kissed her cheek. “Okay, simmer down, fuckers.” Blitz stood tall. "We've still got a job today. Stolas, you ready?”

"Absolutely, darling.”

"Good Satan, you turned chipper fast. Okay. So, long story short, we have some cunt who ran off with her therapist on vacation. The therapist broke his code of not fucking patients, she broke her hetero marriage, blah blah blah. Basic bitches ran off to the Bahamas. Should be real fuckin' easy. Let's go, team, after I buy another coffee. I'm dying too.” On his way out, he winked to no one in particular. “A certain owl-coded imp-fucker kept me up all night.” Loona screamed. “Fuck you!" Everyone agreed, but Blitz still smirked. 

 

Cheep Beech’s Cheap Beachwear 

 

“Blitz, is this really necessary?" Millie looked at the tacky clothing before her. “Yes, May, ya wanna fit in, doncha?" He snuck up on Moxxie who was observing shorts. “Besides, I'd love to see Moxx here rocking a Speedo!" Moxxie blushed. “Sir! If you sneak up on me one more time to say that, I'll choke you with the fucking Speedo!" 

“Promise?" Before either could react, Stolas chimed from the dressing room. "Ready, group!”

 

Loona held her bag, indicating she'd already shopped and was already done with this establishment. "You don't need to announce it." 

 

Human disguise intact and displaying a bathing suit that fit well, Stolas emerged from a changing room. Blitz’s jaw was literally on the floor.

 

“No one's saying anything. That bad?" Stolas recoiled a bit. "I'll say something.” Blitz pinned him against the door. "Fuck me in that thing in that fitting room now or I might actually die in this store, which I doubt you want on your feathery conscious.” They disappeared behind the door. 

 

With wide eyes, Millie finally made a statement: “Let's get the fuck outta here. This shit can wait." 

“Agreed." Loona was halfway out the door at this point. Moxxie, however, hadn't been paying attention for a bit; he was admiring a poster the store displayed: Life's a Bitch, but go on the Beach and Make it YOUR Bitch! He stroked his chin. “A beach day, huh?..." 

“Moxxie!" Millie called desperately. “C-coming, Millie!" He bolted. Stupid Blitz and Stolas… I am not bailing them out for public sex again!

 

That night in M and M’s apartment

 

“No, Blitz, Moxxie and I will not bail you out! I know even you and Stolas can restrain yerselves from fuckin' in a changin’ room! I mean, in a discount beach store?! The fuck were you boys thinking?! ‘Night.” Millie hung up the phone and flopped into bed with emphasis. "As if I'm not achin' enough from today's stupid mission!”

"Tell me about it.” Moxxie sat next to her. "Two showers and I still got sand in my fucking hair.” He paused. “But, I was thinking. Maybe we should have a beach day! Drive outta the city, spend all day there, watch the sun go down, actually enjoy the beach for once!" Millie pondered, which Moxxie took as silent rejection. “You're right, sweetie, the idea is stupid, the beach is stupid, sunsets are stupid, I'm stu-" 

“Moxxie!" He looked back up to see her smile. “I think it's a great idea, darlin'!” She gave him a hug that turned his cheeks neon pink. "That's how you wanna use our day off, Moxx?”

“I mean, if you want to!" 

“It's a date!" They shared a kiss.

 

I.M.P. Headquarters the next day 

 

Moxxie was still exhausted, but smiling openly as he stirred his coffee. “You look more chipper, my comrade!" Stolas sat at a table and nodded. "Are the nights treating you well?”

"You could say.” His smile was a bit more meek. "Ya know how we were talking about all needing a day off?”

"Um… no. Sorry, afraid not." 

“Oh." Moxxie blinked. “Well, Millie and I agreed to take a drive out and see a beach Friday!" 

“Ooh, a beach, you say?" 

“Yeah! Fun, relaxed, quiet…" He blushed a bit. “...Romantic." 

“I say, what a great idea! I sincerely hope you enjoy it!" 

“Thanks, Stolas." He grinned and walked out. Blitz popped up from under the table. “A beach day, and those sluts didn't invite us? Oh, fuck no! Stolas, we are crashing that shit!" 

 

Thursday night 

 

"So, Blitz, Moxxie's really struggling with this silly cold, and you know he can't take care of himself! We'll be back on Monday, I promise. Yes. Bye, Blitz.” Once again, Millie ended a call with Blitz. “Think ‘e bought it?" Moxxie was sprawled across the couch. “He ain't hard to fool, Moxx." She joined him on the couch. “You really didn't need to add all that sneezin’ and coughin’ though. We woulda been fine." 

“I'm a theatrical boy, honey! You know that!" She giggled. “Well, save some ‘a that energy for the beach, you nut!” They shared a chuckle and cuddled.

 

6 AM

 

M and M were fast asleep, Millie spooning her husband as he drooled in his bright blue pajamas. Unfortunately, an unforgiving horn woke them both up from what could have been a flawlessly peaceful slumber. “The fuck?!" They screamed in unison as they shot up. The horn went off again but they heard the door being pushed open. “Is there a robber?!" Millie whispered miserably. “Maybe! Don't worry, Millie May! I'll protect you!" 

“The fuck you will!" She reached into her nightstand table and pulled out a knife. “My turn!" She did flips and dodged the rug in the middle of the floor, certain to not make noise. 

 

In the hall, her heart felt swollen and she broke into a sweat. Fuck, this shit’s scary when it's yer own home and your only partner is Moxxie!

 

She got to the living room and swallowed hard. “Satan fuck, Mill, ya think I don't know your fuckin' agent approach by now?! Cut the act and get a move on! Also, Stolas is thirsty. Can he come in and grab a glass of water?" 

"Blitz?!”

 

All of I.M.P. was now uninvited as they sat in Millie and Moxxie's kitchen. "What the actual fuck, sir?! Millie and I were-”

"Sleeping instead ‘a fucking? Boy, don't I know it.” Blitz put his feet on the table. "Look, bitches, I heard yer little beach plan and I want in.” Moxxie's jaw dropped. “How- but- Stolas, did you tell him?!” Blitz sneered. “Of course not. My boyfriend ain't no snitch. I have my ways." He pantomimed wiping his lips. Millie, Moxxie and Loona groaned but Stolas tilted his head in confusion. “I don't get it." Blitz laughed uproariously. "Ya don't have to, hon. The important thing is I'm making breakfast for everyone. M and M, nap in the car and show me where the breakfast crap is now.” Millie and Moxxie looked at each other in horror. This was happening. 

Chapter 2: Beach, Please

Summary:

After a road trip dictated by Blitz, I.M.P. arrives at the beach.

Notes:

So there's not a lot of plot here, but hopefully some good laughs. Trigger warning for misogyny and slight ableist language (yes, 'handicapped' is derogatory.) Don't worry, Blitz experiences instant karma.

This was happening.

 

Moxxie had bags under his eyes as he boarded Blitz's van. Blitz was busy barking orders at everyone. “Loony, no getting your chip crumbs everywhere. Stolas, keep looking sexy, and no complaining about carsickness. Millie, sit still. Moxxie, put that cranky Karen cunt face on hold and for the last fuckin' time, nap in the car! We got a long-ass ride, and ya boy is driving! Anyone who argues gets their ass thrown in the trunk with the beach stuff!”

 

Loona blasted music that was audible through her headphones as she loudly ate Bitch Chips. Millie read next to her with her own headphones on. Moxxie was fast asleep.

 

Stolas was responding poorly to Blitz's unruly driving. His cheeks were turning green. "Uh, Blitzy…" He broached dizzily. “The fuck did I say about bitching, Stolas?! You can barf when we stop for lunch! Ah, a squirrel! Move, bitch, I don't wanna hit you! Fuck!" He peeled. “What are you honkin’ at?! You want a dead animal on your hands, fucker?! C’mon!” Stolas swallowed.

 

Likely not your first choice Diner

 

Stolas stumbled over to the table where I.M.P. was sitting, the green drained from his face. “That was a long time," Blitz sneered. "Dad! Don't be a dick!” Loona glared. "No, Loona, he's right.” Stolas sat down shakily. "After all, I wouldn't have taken so long if someone hadn't insisted on driving like a deranged juvie case on a cocaine high and not pulling over so I may vomit.” He pushed Blitz with his hip. "Watch it, Scrooge McFuck. I'm saving us time.”

"Are you? Because I feel like you kinda take a lot of back roads, and we could've been at the beach itself an hour ago.” Moxxie sipped his water. Blitz snorted. "You and your dumb details, Moxx.”

"He's got a point, Dad, we've only used back roads and we're still like an hour from the beach.” Loona yawned. "You pick as much fights on the road as you do your nose, you never shut up and you also told me we were invited.”

"In all fairness, Moxxie shouldn't have expected full privacy from Blitz on a weekday,” Millie pointed out. Everyone agreed. Blitz was oblivious to his flaws and was furious others had the gall to call attention to them. “Fuck you, you ungrateful bitches! I try to build our family through a beach day I stole from Moxxie…” He pouted. Stolas patted his back but looked at the others. “Don't worry. It's the tequila wearing off, plus it's lunchtime. He's a bit cranky." A wait staff member backed up. “I'll… take your drink orders in a minute, okay folks?" He literally ran.

 

Sunburn Beach, 5 Miles

 

“Finally!" Loona sat up. “Let's get ready to do beach shit!" 

“‘Twill be my first time relaxing at one!" Stolas was beaming more than anyone. “If it's anything like everybody boasts, I can't wait!" Blitz shot him a look of love. “I mean, there are sometimes too many people, you're getting sand out of yourself for days, the food's overpriced and the toilets are gross, but I think you'll love it!”

"For someone who stole my idea, sir, you seem dubious of the beach.” Moxxie raised an eyebrow. "Fuck you, Gluteus Moxximus, I'm preparing my boyfriend for trouble! You oughta do the same for your better, sexier, sharper, funnier, hotter, tougher half! Oh fuck, another squirrel!" 

 

Sunburn Beach

 

Blitz pulled up to the tollbooth. Two cars were ahead. "Shit, you gotta pay?” He growled, drumming on the steering wheel. "No shit, it's a beach during daylight.” Loona scoffed. “I'll pay, Blitzy, never fear." Stolas got his wallet out. “No, thanks. I'm drivin’, I'll pay." 

“It's okay, Stolas, he just wants to be a twat." Millie put her book down. 

 

“Eight bucks," He grumbled as he drove off. “Oh shit, a deer!" 

“Well, don't fucking speed in a parking lot!" Squealed Moxxie.

 

They found their spot (which Blitz parked sideways in.) “Uh, this is a disabled spot," Observed Stolas. Blitz took a drink from his flask. “Think of it this way, sweetie; I've got ADHD, Millie has ADHD, you and Moxxie are Autistic, Loona’s probably… something, so that's a handicap, right?”

"Disability.” Loona shook her head. "And that's not what that sign-” a seagull flew by and defecated on Blitz's head. “Okay, I deserve that." 

“Yay, progress!" Stolas clapped his hands. “Sorry, dear, but ableism has karma!" 

“Fuck you, Tall and Feathery." 

 

They waited for Blitz in the food area. “Wow, guys, the bathrooms here are fucking disgusting! I mean, I was just washing bird shit offa me, thank Satan I didn't actually hafta go. Y'all better clench your cheeks.” 

"Ew.” Moxxie gagged. Blitz cackled. "That being said, anyone want some overpriced food and drink from the food shack?”

 

“Now, where do we sit?" Moxxie looked around. “It's surprisingly kinda crowded! What the fuck? It's a weekday!" 

“It's the beach during summer, who knew people would wanna use it?” Loona snorted. "Good one, Loony!” Blitz slapped her back. "Well, let's begin our trek.” There was slight dread to Stolas’s voice. “Don't worry, I'll carry ya." Blitz winked. Stolas blushed and giggled. “Oh, how romantic!" He swooned. “That's actually really sweet.” Millie beamed. "Now please don't do a… you and spoil it with sex." 

“Oh, great! Ask me to alter my whole personality, why doncha?" 

“Will you?" Moxxie asked hopefully.

 

They found a spot and began to set up. “This is kinda perfect." Loona smiled. “I can't believe nobody-" 

“Excuse me!" A lifeguard walked up to them. “You're a little close to the lifeguard chair, folks." Blitz went to argue but Stolas thought fast and put a hand over his boyfriend's mouth. “Bite all you want- ow, but-" 

“Sorry, won't happen again." Moxxie chuckled nervously and collected everyone's things before scrambling. He looked ahead.

 

There were more obstacles.

 

He groaned.

 

The lifeguard looked ahead too. “Hey, Joshwyn! So many hot chicks here! Come check it out!”

"In a minute, Strewartson! A young child is swimming a whole inch away from the permitted area, and I have to humiliate her!" 

 

“What about here?" Millie pointed to a vacant space. Blitz snorted. “It's next to them! You know, that cunt who has to blade shit music even though they're at the fucking beach?!”

"It is a little loud.” Stolas winced. Millie rolled her eyes. “Fine. But if we're walkin’ for another mile, that's on you!" 

 

3 miles later

 

"Sir, I'm so hot!” Bemoaned Moxxie. "Fuck off, Moxxie! Toughen up.” Blitz was still lucid enough to bark. Loona caught Moxxie out of the corner of her eye and took pity. "Hey, Dad? I'm kinda tired. Can we stop here?" Blitz stopped in his tracks. “Of course, Loony! You bet. C’mon, gang." As they stopped, Moxxie looked at Loona with skepticism. "I dunno if I'm more grateful to you or more repulsed by Blitz.”

 

"Okay, I hate to be of nuisance, but I'm starving!” Groaned Stolas. Millie chuckled. "Don't worry, Stolas! That's why we packed stuff in the cooler!” Moxxie grinned smugly. "Well, I only packed enough for Millie and I, but I'm generous with-”

"What the fuck?!” Millie opened the cooler. "These are all beers and hard liquor! And… mushrooms?!”

"And some non alcoholic Hellciuses for Loony," Blitz emphasized. "What the passionate fuck, Blitz?!” Shrieked Moxxie. "What are we supposed to eat?!” Blitz sucked air through his teeth. "Oh, guess I didn't think that one through. Shit.”

 

Blitz and Moxxie were walking back up the beach. “How is this fair?" Moxxie growled. “Well, Moxximus Prime, I was sent to get the food for everyone, but I apparently can't be trusted, Loona wanted to go swimming, Stolas ain't acquainted with the beach, and you lost the coin toss with your wife. Tough scrotum, you're stuck with me, bitch.” Moxxie looked back. His amazing Millie, the one he'd wanted to spend all day with alone, was now a red speck in a crowd. With sad eyes he whimpered. Blitz raised an eyebrow. Why isn't he fighting back like a little bitch?

 

There were about fifteen people ahead of them at Crappy Crabby’s Claw Shack. “Excellent, sir." Moxxie rolled his eyes. “I hate queues! Especially ones that lead to overpriced e coli food and watered down iced tea!” 

“So get water, dumbass, and quit making a fuckin' scene." 

“No way! Moxxie Knolastname does not pay for water! Especially when it's $28 a bottle.” Blitz chuckled. “You fucking cheapskate." 

“Says the boy who hardly pays us minimum fucking wage!" 

“Ah, there's my Moxxie. Bitching in public, uncaring of who's filming or laughing. Hey, how come we ain't moving?" 

“Oh my Satan!" Shrieked an excited voice from the front of the line. “Verosika Mayday?!" 

“Oh fuck." Blitz through his head back. Moxxie smiled. “Wait! Sir, maybe everyone will want her autograph or something else stupid and that'll make the wait shorter!" 

“Okay, ladies, enbies and gentlemen, who wants a selfie with me?!" As Moxxie predicted, it was now their turn to buy food. They shared a smirk and ran to the counter.

 

“No one's watching the stand, sir. What do we do?”

"Uh, free food, bitch! Grab all your little possum hands can carry!”

 

Meanwhile 

 

“So something tells me that between Moxxie being a panicking wreck and my dad capitalizing on it, we ain't gonna be seeing food for a bit." Loona took off her beach robe. “You guys wanna come in with me?" Millie nodded. “I've been waitin’ all day to! Stolas?" 

“If it's all the same with you, dear friends, I'd like to celebrate my entrance into the sea with all of us. But you two go ahead!” He smiled sweetly. Millie chuckled. "Understood, kid. Holler when the boys come back, okay? C’mon, Loona!” They both laughed and ran to the water.

 

What they didn't know was that they were being watched by two fuck boys. “Joshwyn! Two hot chicks in the water!" 

“Well, of course! It's the beach, dude!" 

“No, look at them!" Strewartson took the binoculars. “Oh damn! My furry senses are tingling!" 

“I think we need them for our collection…”

 

 

Chapter 3: Wave Goodbye, Bitch

Summary:

Millie and Loona are kidnapped by two creepy lifeguards with only Blitz, Stolas and Moxxie as their rescuers. Satan save them.

Notes:

Sorry about the delay, also a few quick things:

I live near the beach. That is, like fifteen minutes from the beach (an ocean.) I'm certainly not a hater of the beach, it's beautiful, especially during off seasons when all the local wildlife is out and not paranoid from all the humans. When summer DOES come, it is as annoying as I'm describing... during the day. Lifeguards generally ARE intrusive and loud, and I heard a couple of them talking once and they were being vulgar, meanspirited and misogynistic slobs. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Not all of them are like this, I know. But... ew. When they leave around five and the beach entry is free, the beach is beautiful. It gets emptier, the water feels warmer, and the dusks go on forever. The beach in summer at sunset is one of my favorite places. So no, I don't dislike the beach at all, just its high time.

The names Joshwyn and Strewartson are based on white fuck boy names, I just put a clownish spin on them.

As always, have fun!

Loona and Millie jumped straight for an incoming wave. “Yes!" Millie screamed. She jumped straight for the white cap. “Holy shit." Loona got sprayed with the leftovers. The wave broke but didn't bring Millie with it. “You alright, May?!” Millie finally popped up. “Fuck yeah! C’mon, Loona!" She jumped back under water. Loona chuckled and joined her.

 

Stolas sighed. Now I'm lonely… fuck it, I'm going to check on Moxxie and Blitz. How hard can it be to maneuver this sand terrain? He looked before him.

 

In minutes, he was crying near a dune. “Why didn't I bring my cellular phone?!” 

 

“Ooh, here comes a good one!" Loona crouched to embrace the giant wave forming before her. Millie laughed and playfully slapped her back. “Now yer’ gettin' it!" 

 

Even with the temporary bliss of being underwater, they heard the shrill blow of the lifeguard’s whistle.

 

When they popped back up, they felt a simultaneous pinch of dread as they realized they were ones displeasing the lifeguards. They shared a simultaneous "fuck” and reluctantly stepped out of the water. Millie looked the lifeguard up and down. I don't trust him…

 

They resumed swimming, closer to the shore. “Don't worry, Millie, we'll still catch some good waves." 

“Yeah. And we can really enjoy it in a few hours when the watch dogs leave!" 

 

Little did they know, the whistle-blowing beasts were keeping an extremely close eye. “We got ‘em," Growled Joshwyn with a sneer. "They're paranoid, and closer to the shore, so they'll be easier to get our mitts on.”

“Yeah, bruh!" Him and Strewartson high-fived while sharing that in unison.

 

Moxxie and Blitz started running down the beach giddily with takeout paper bags in hand. “Boy, sir, I feel like a real bandit!”

"Now yer’ gettin' it, Moxx!" 

“Ooh! Let's rob one of those ice cream trucks they always have!" 

“Ha, maybe we will later!" 

“Then a box store!" 

“Uh…”

"Then a bank! Fuck the capitalists, I say!”

“Fuck on a stick, Moxxie. That's not how capitalism works. But, love your anarchy!" 

 

“BLIT-ZY!" Wailed a familiar from a distance.

 

"Stolas?!” They shared a look. "Should we put the food down, sir?!" 

“C’mon, Moxx! We ain't that desperate!" 

 

Blitz bolted ahead. Moxxie struggled to keep up. "Sir!” He whined. But he made a realization: maybe he's fast ‘cuz of his ADHD, or adrenaline for Stolas! Or both? If the latter is involved, that's adorable! He remained silent.

 

Soon enough, they reached a conspicuous owl wailing next to the dunes. “Blitz and Moxxie!" He wailed victoriously through his tears. “Stolas! What the fuzzy fuck?!" Moxxie tilted his head. Blitz put a hand up to stop him. "It's okay, Moxx. He gets real fucky when he's hungry. I got this.” He offered a free hand to Stolas. "C’mon, Hot Stuff. You need to come with us and eat.” He wrapped an arm around him to assist him with walking. He giggled. "Dude, how'd you get lost? Where the fuck are Millie and Loony?”

"Swimming like little imp and wolf fish.” He laughed harder. "You alright, Stols?” Moxxie was genuinely getting concerned. Blitz bit his lip. "Yeah, he's loopy. Don't be too concerned.” Stolas climbed on Blitz's back. "Hyah, I say!” 

"My hyper fixation with horses paid off.” Blitz sneered, and Moxxie gagged.

 

"Holy shit, Millie, this wave is like eight feet!" 

"Let's conquer it!” They did. 

 

Under water, Loona's eyes were shut and she embraced the silence. Millie was literally giggling with excitement with her eyes burning with salt but wide open. 

 

When they arose again, they both started laughing. 

 

They were so engrossed in their fun they didn't realize there was no Stolas.

 

They also didn't realize the rapidly approaching fuck boys moving to the lifeguard chair closest to them.

 

The other three were having less fun. “Ooh, beach grass! Let's play! Blitzy, I said stop!"

"Blitz, give Stolas an off button! Stolas, get a damn off button!" Moxxie was sweating from the heat. Even Blitz was losing patience. “Hun, as much as I love your junk indirectly rubbing the back of my neck, we could've been back to our spot like ten minutes ago if you'd fucking chill!" 

“Let's give ‘im a bite of something now." Moxxie was trying to hide his bubbling agitation. Blitz chuckled. “I see your point, but we're not far. Besides, this is fucking hilarious.” Stolas was giggling. "What you call ‘hilarious,’ I call humiliating and tedious, sir." Moxxie pouted again.

 

Loona and Millie arose from yet another wave and noted a swimming ring in front of them. "Is this thing someone else's?" Loona picked it up. She was more confused seeing that it was tied to a rope, but Millie was calling attention to the ring itself. “Hey! Anyone lose a toy?!" 

“Wait, it's one of those stupid lifeguard tubes.” She scoffed. "We're not drowning, thank you!” She tried to keep the obvious annoyance out of her voice but failed as she called to the lifeguard. To both of their alarms, it wrapped around them. “Ya don't have to pull us to shore!" Millie reiterated loudly. “We know how- boy, this is tight." 

"And since when do they take two people?! This is fucked!” Their desperate squirms were dwarfed by the rope pulling them rapidly to shore.

 

“Got ‘em!" Strewartson sneered.

 

Loona and Millie were thrusted to the lifeguard chair. "What the fuck?” Loona immediately had a gag put in her mouth by Strewartson. Joshwyn got Millie. "No use, girls,” Chuckled Joshwyn. "You're coming with us.” Before that could react, the lifeguard chair made a mechanical click! and pulled them down like an elevator.

 

Amazingly, no one on the beach noticed. 

 

The radio blaring country music masked whatever noise the chair made.

 

The boys of I.M.P. found their spot. “I'm gonna find Loona and Millie, sir. You take care of Stolas.” Moxxie nodded and ran to the water. Boy, these waves are tall! How’m I gonna find my wife? Oh, and Loona. He watched the restless water intensely. There was no sign of either of them. Between the situation, the noise and his growing hunger and thirst, he was becoming rapidly uncomfortable. “Yo!" Blitz called to him.

 

“Get your pimp and my daughter over here! We can use extra help!" He nodded to Stolas, who was actively fighting with a thieving seagull and losing. "Give me back my mystery sandwich, rapscallion! You will pay!”

"Honey, it's a dumbass seagull! Chill! There are like sixteen other- just hurry, Moxxie!” The last bit sounded desperate.

 

Moxxie whimpered. Maybe they can help…

 

His trudge to the towel and umbrella built anticipation that blocked his appetite. 

 

“Moxxie, what the shit?! Where are Millie and Loona?!" 

“I… don't know, Blitz! They're not in the water!”

"Well, maybe they went to find us.” To both their surprises, Stolas caught a moment of lucidity as he bit into a barbeque chip. "Really? Loona leaving without her cellular phone?” Blitz's eyes widened. 

 

“LOONYYYYYYY!" Would be heard throughout the beach. If country music weren't blaring. 

 

Some of the beach heard it, but chose to ignore it.

 

“Blitzy, darling, do stay calm!" Stolas rubbed the shoulders of his hyperventilating boyfriend. “We can-" 

“I goddit! Imma dig, Moxxie, swim for the estrogen, and Stolas, fly and look for ‘em above land!" 

"Sir-”

"Get swimmin’, Moxx! And Loona, your daddy's coming!” He dug aggressively. Stolas scoffed. “I meant, we could report them! Send out a search party!" 

“Oh yeah! Stolas, let's go, Moxxie, scuba dive." 

“We're all going. Come along, love.” His stomach growled. "After eating. I doubt the pair is in any immediate danger.” Moxxie smiled weakly. "Yeah… especially not those two."

“So, I stole like thirty bags ‘a chips and popcorn, some lemonades, and a cockload of candy. What did you get, Moxx?" Blitz helped himself to some jerky. “Ooh! I stole some chicken salads and ginger ale!" Blitz smacked his forehead. “Good Satan. You wanna try not disappointing me constantly?" 

“You wanna try not spitting jerky on me?" Stolas looked back and forth at their bickering before taking a slug from a beer and shivering.

 

Later

 

The Beach Help Center 

 

An apathetic receptionist sat at his desk and showed little emotion as Blitz came bursting in. “Help! Hello, anyone?! We need help!" He spotted the receptionist and bolted to the desk. “You! We need help finding some people!" 

“Very good, lizard looking person, please fill out this paperwork.”

"Wha- what if she, I mean they're, in danger?!”

"Then you better get a-writin’." Blitz’s jaw dropped, he eye twitched, and he stammered. Stolas put a hand on his shoulder and turned to Moxxie. "I'll take care of this. See if you can find clues." Moxxie nodded.

 

As soon as he was out of sight, he cried. My wife is missing and I didn't get alone time with her, but at least I get a little alone time to cry about it! He broke down and curled into a ball.

 

Millie and Loona had the sacks removed from their heads. They looked at a red lair which was ominous enough without having been kidnapped. Other women also walked slowly around. “Where are we?" Mouthed Loona. They both flinched at shadows appearing over them and screamed. 

 

Moxxie was walking along aimlessly and still crying.

 

"Dammit, what the fuck am I supposed to put under fuckin' 'name?!'"

"Well, your name, Blitz dear."

"Oh yeah. Thanks, Stolas."

Millie and Loona felt a cold hand on their shoulders...

Chapter 4: Captive 'n Crappy

Summary:

Millie and Loona are taken to a private lair, and the boys look for them above ground.

Notes:

A brief and sort of intense chapter. I'll be funnier in the next one. Warning for Loona trauma.

Moxxie walked towards the showers. That's it! Maybe they needed to rinse off! Not even Loona needs a phone for that!

 

“Loona! Millie!" There was no answer. 

 

He exited, crying again. Blitz and Stolas ran up at the same time. “What the heaven are you doing taking a shower, dumbass?! Your wife and my daughter are missing! Come the fuck on!" Blitz practically shoved past him.

 

Strewartson and Joshwyn leered over Loona and Millie with awful smiles. “What the fuck do you want?!" Loona snarled in their faces. They backed up and gasped. Millie laughed cruelly. “Expecting tears, were you, ya sexist fucks?" 

“Well, yeah!" Joshwyn exclaimed. Millie shakily got to her feet and stared him in the eye. “Well. You ain't gettin’ any, Beach Fuck." 

“Yeah." Loona already looked bored. “We're getting ourselves and all these other people the fuck out of this slightly less sexist James Bond lair and reporting you, after kicking your asses.” With a few squirms she freed herself of the plastic tube shackle, then lifted the one on Millie. Joshwyn and Strewartson were furious. Wordlessly, Strewartson pulled a remote out of his swim trunks and pressed a button, putting a metal lock on the latch that led to aboveground. Millie and Loona gasped lightly before laughing. Millie snorted. “Oh yeah, ‘cuz we ain't gonna kick your asses-" 

“GI-IRLS!" With a sing-songy ring of his voice, Joshwyn caught the attention of every zombie in the enormous room. They fled to the fuck boys. “Get the chickies." Strewartson’s voice was malicious. The zombies rushed to Loona and Millie before they could react. “Okay, this might be a problem." Millie squeaked before being engulfed in mystery women and girls.

 

Loona woke in a cell. The fuck? Ouch, my head! She rubbed it and quietly moaned in pain. Where am I?! The gravity of the situation was now catching up to her. “Millie?!" Her voice was desperate. She looked around her: the small room. The bars cementing her imprisonment. The cold but stale air. The ugly, uniformly gray color occupying the walls, ceilings and floor. A cell. She whimpered.

 

“Bad mutt!” The kennel attendant tased her. "If it were up to me, you'd be dead, you useless cunt!”

 

Eyes flooding with tears, she flopped onto the bed, bound by abysmal memories that she never thought she'd have to relive even in her worst nightmares.

 

Millie woke up a few minutes after her in another cell. “Ow!" She rubbed the back of her head. Her hair was a frizzy mess. "What's happening?... Why'm I in a prison cell?" She leapt out of the cot she was on. Iron bars, huh? Better get out Ol’ Trusty. She reached into her left boot. I left my boots on and neither ‘a those fucknuts thought to check me fer weapons? Ha! She snorted and dug out a Swiss army knife. She stared with an ambitious grin at the bars before her and unleashed her blade.

 

When she got out, something unnerving struck her; this lair was enormous and she had no idea where she was, let alone enough to get out and/or find Loona. “Oh… fuck.”

 

She poked her head in every cell desperately. "Loona?! Loona!” Nothing but clearly hypnotized women. "I'll come to y'all later, don't worry,” She promised to one woman walking into a wall repeatedly. If I let them out now the lifeguards might try to turn ‘em against me! Until I find Loona, I'm on my own! The thought made her queasy but she persevered. This is like 1984, which is like modern North America! I fucking hate it! Oh no, what if one ‘a those lifeguard fucks find me?! The thought made movement difficult. My legs feel like jelly. I gotta get out!

 

She got to the main foyer where she immediately recognized that's where she and Loona had begun. In fact, the floor they'd been forced on was still visibly wet. She looked up. The latch they'd come from was bound shut. Dammit! There was evidently no way up. Maybe these pool noodle fuckers are smarter than I thought… She paced. I hate feelin' so unsure! I'm not used to it and it's making me nuts! She paused. It's a stereotypical lair! I bet there's a monitoring room! She looked around her, more overwhelmed than ever. I just gotta find it in this enormous place! She whimpered aloud and allowed herself a few tears. 

 

What she didn't know was that she was visible from a cell, and a red light was highlighting the knife in her hand. It caught someone's attention. Swiss… army knife? A woman caught on to it, releasing her from her zombie trance. Who's that imp person? How long was I hypnotized this time? Did I say something stupid? Fuck it, I'm getting out. “Excuse me?” I just spoke my first word in forever!

 

Luckily it was enough to catch Millie's attention, though she understandably looked dubious. She walked over with caution and the woman felt a surge of joy and relief. “Yes, imp person? I'm Popsuela! She/her/hers!" 

“Millie, same. Weren't you just layin’ on the bed muttering to yourself?”

“Fuck, was I?" She growled in frustration. “How long was I in that stupid trance?" 

"’Trance?’ So y'all are hypnotized!”

"Well, we wouldn't be down here imprisoned left to our own devices with those two idiots. Yes, from what I remember in my lucid states, they kidnap women all day and hypnotize them all in a group at the end of it. We're in some 1984 style cell all day, and I don't know why!” She began to cry. Millie took her hand through the bar. “Relax. I'm gonna getchou out, okay?" Popsuela looked at the imp before her. You can trust her. Not like you have a choice anyhow. Millie whipped out her knife and got to work. “Damn, Millie, how'd you get so good?" 

“Please. Darlin', I work for I.M.P. as an assassin and am one of two… equipped team members. I've gotten my boss, our new staff member and my husband outta so many prisons it ain't even funny. Funny to my boss, maybe, but he's an asshole. Almost done, kid!”

 

Loona hid under her blanket, uncaring of the world around her. She was suspended in a prison within a prison.

 

“Almost…” Millie sped up the process. "Wait! Did you say ‘I.M.P.,’ Millie?" 

“Yeah, why?" Her face lit up in recognition and she felt a trickle of flattery form around her. It soured when Popsuela cackled. “That stupid jingle was so bad it was good!” She was laughing hysterically. Millie laughed sarcastically, her mood ruined. Not that Popsuela was wrong, and Millie was aware. Luckily the frustration fueled her knife work and a bar was broken. “Oh, look. You're free." Her delivery was flat but Popsuela leapt to freedom and hugged Millie. “Thank you, Millie, thank you so much!" She was sobbing. Millie melted and accepted her hug with pride. The room was still loud, garish and unforgiving.

 

Strewartson and Joshwyn sat in their chair above ground, fist bumping and sneering. 

 

While the rest of I.M.P. failed to see the lifeguard chair dip underground, Stolas noted the strange expression shared between the two lifeguards and eyed them suspiciously. 

 

What does that smug, suspicious look mean? He pondered. It could just be unearned confidence or something of the like, perhaps gas? They are rather stupid! But Stella always made that face when she was doing something conniving-

“Stolas!" Blitz shook him. “Cheating on me with solid fives at best ain't gonna solve our troubles! Fucking let's go!" 

 

"So before we find whatever security room or incriminating evidence or whatever, I need to find Loona!" Millie and Popsuela were speed walking down a long hallway. Popsuela raised an eyebrow. “That the person you came with?" 

“Yeah. I know this mission is crucial, but she's family! Plus, she's the only other competent member of the team, so without her, I'm really fucked." She looked around. “Seein’ all these poor people locked up is so unnervin’!" She made a punching gesture. “This will be the most satisfying mission of my life." 

“So true." Popsuela smiled, finally feeling a prick of relief. “But we're better off calling her. I don't know how many people are here, or if she's even in this wing." 

"LOONA!” Millie's call was desperate. "Okay, she better be in this wing, my throat is gonna hurt like fuck!” 

 

She was, but unfortunately down the hallway. Fortunately however, it would be only a few moments until she was freed from her mind prison.

 

Back and forth, her mind switched to the cell she was in now versus the one she had been in. Stuck in her past, she heard Millie's familiar voice calling to her. “Loona! Loona!" Not only was she in the present, but she opened her eyes to confirm it. “Loona!" Millie?! She leapt out of bed and ran to the bars. “Millie! In here! Help!" 

 

Millie and Popsuela beamed. "Keep yellin’, Loona! We gotta find you!”

 

"Okay…" Her voice was desperate and wavering. “Keep coming!" 

 

“Alright, Moxxie, I can't deal with yer fucking whimpering. Crack into one of the beers.”

"N-no!” Moxxie stumbled backwards, hurt. "I hafta be sober! For my wife!”

"You can hardly function sober! Trust me, pal, alcohol is great for solvin’ crime.” He opened the cooler. “And again, Stolas, what the fuck are you looking at?" 

“Blitzy, dear, while I find your jealousy of two neanderthals adorable, I have suspicions of those two." 

“What's worse, that or having a boyfriend who's suspicious of you cheating on him?" 

“Good Satan, sir, you can't talk to him-" 

“Snip it, Possum Boy." Blitz forced beer down Moxxie's throat despite his shrieking protests.

 

Millie and Loona finally met up. “Were you… cryin’, Loona?” Loona blushed. "Being in a cell brings back real shitty memories, Millie.” She wiped her eyes. "It'll be fine.” Popsuela smiled. "I'm with you two. Now you got two people busting you out!”

“But you don't have a weaon!" Millie tilted her head. Popsuela snorted. “Dude, don't tell me you're a rookie who's only got one army knife in ‘er boot!" 

“You ain't wrong." Millie grinned and pulled another knife from her boot. “Start slicin’." 

“Holy shit!" Loona laughed, impressed as the two women got to work on setting her free. Millie's ADHD energy and fixation was helping them underground…

 

And Stolas's autism and keen eye for detail was helping them above, as he noticed what no one else did; “Why does this sand feel like it doesn't go on very long? As if a hollow and hard substance is beneath us!”

"Ha! ‘hallow and hard.’” Blitz snorted. "Alright, if it makes ya feel better, we'll investigate. When Moxxie is more tipsy. I cannot work with this fucker when he's this uptight.”

Loona, Millie and Popsuela ran down the hall unseen, closer to the monitor room then they knew. 

Chapter 5: Found in the Underground

Summary:

Stolas, Moxxie and Blitz find the lair and their loved ones. Unfortunately, Strewartson and Joshwyn aren't far behind.

Notes:

Writing these stupid lifeguard fuck boys has been a pleasure, but comeuppance is needed 🤣 Stay tuned for an epilogue!

“Wait!" Loona stopped in front of a door. “Is this it? This isn't a cell!" 

“Let's find out." Popsuela turned the knob. “Damn, locked!" 

“When has that stopped us?" Millie pulled her knife out and jiggled it in the door. "Whoa." Loona was amazed. “You can jimmy locks too?!” Millie got it done and exclaimed in satisfaction. "I'm an imp of many talents, Loo.” She opened the door, and they all looked disappointed. "They locked a damn furnace room?” Loona rolled her eyes. "Meh, probably stashing porn.”

 

"We've seen like, five spare rooms!” Popsuela threw her head back. “Why are there so many damn doors?!" 

“Yeah! Ol’ Trusty is getting tired." Millie petted her knife like it was a sore dog. “Well, if it's a monitoring room, it'll probably have biggers doors, right?” Loona's voice was unsure. Millie groaned. "Maybe. What we need are more bodies! That's somethin' I'm glad Blitz isn't around to hear. But seriously, maybe we should free some of the other slaves.” She turned to Popsuela. "What brought you outta your trance, Popsuela?”

“Well… seeing your knife, I guess. I'm a welder. It triggered a memory.” Popsuela rubbed the back of her head. “Getting a sensation of something that makes these folks remember who they are." 

"But how do we know what these people like?” Millie thought for a second. “Loona! You like semi mainstream emo music! Some ‘a the folks here are bound to like that!" 

“Yeah, but I don't have my phone. I guess I could sing a few bars?" Loona shrugged. “Do it." Millie nodded. “Your love left me horny as a rhino, everything was super fine-o, but you ripped out my heart…” Millie and Popsuela looked at each other with disturbed smiles. "And smothered it with your hate!”

 

"Stabbing chest pains, here's the refrain!” Stolas had his eye on the chair. Come on, boys, move…

 

Soon enough 

 

“Dude, we're out booze-age!" Strewartson clearly didn't care that his voice carried for anyone in the area to hear. “I'll go with you to get more! Fuck those people who are dumb enough to drown!" Joshwyn fist bumped him. “Best friends!" They rang as they climbed from the chair and ran down the beach in perfect unison.

 

“Yes!" Stolas smiled and turned to Blitz and Moxxie. "Let's roll, boys!" Moxxie was drunkenly stimming on sand, and Blitz stared at Stolas with confusion. “Do what? The fuck are you talking about?" 

“Oh yes; that was all in my head. Let me explain as we walk to the lifeguard chair, we might not have much time!" 

“Yeah, okay. C’mon, Moxx." 

“No, sir! Sand!" 

“Fuck it, I'll carry ya." 

 

They climbed up the chair.

 

"Hurry, Blitzy dear and Moxxie!" 

“I'm trying! Moxxie's slim, but carrying this drunken fuck ain't easy!" 

 

When Blitz got to the top, he literally threw Moxxie like a pair of shoes. Stolas observed a button. "Blitz, I'm new to this whole beach thing, but do lifeguard chairs often have buttons that read To the secret lair?”

"Absolutely not. I've flirted with lifeguards of multiple genders and fucked ‘em in their chairs, and that ain't normal. Also, I'm sorry, that was awful to say in front of you, but I promise I'm only into you, honey.”

"Well, press it, mother fucker!" Moxxie’s filter left with his sober state. Within seconds, they were being taken underground and screaming.

 

Loona's serenade had attracted a crowd in the wing they were in. “Alright, kiddies, let's see what the fuck boys are really up to!" Popsuela felt more confident, and the group of now seven people cheered in agreement. “Let's split up!" One suggested. “Arlette, she/they by the way.” 

“Okay, but if one of us finds the room, how will the others know?” Loona paced anxiously. "We rescue the fuck out of each other, that's how.” Millie stood proudly. “I call Loona and Popsuela on my team! Let's split up!" The others dispersed and Loona blinked. “That doesn't answer my question, but that accent is motivating as fuck, Millie." 

 

Meanwhile 

 

Moxxie didn't enjoy shooting underground. He was clinging to Stolas and quivering. Him and Stolas looked around in awe, but Blitz still refused to miss the chance for a cheap joke: “Geez, Millie’s gone, but move on with some I ain't fuckin'." 

 

Millie, Loona and Popsuela found a double door room. "Bet it's this one.” They all spoke simultaneously.

 

The trio upfront stared in shock. “Where do we even begin?!" Stolas was overwhelmed by the size of the place. "MILL-IEEEEE!” Moxxie screamed, making both Stolas and Blitz jump. "That's one way to do it, give us all migraines and possibly get us in trouble!” Blitz rubbed his head. "Fuck.”

"Well, we've got our phones, let's split up and look! If we find something, we'll call! It ain't complicated.” Moxxie pushed his hair back. "Hey, Possum Boy is getting his senses back!” Blitz slapped Moxxie's back. “Good to have ya back, you logical neurat!" 

 

"Whoa.” Millie’s jaw dropped. “How did lifeguard versions of Jonesy and Reilly get such an advanced tech room?!" 

“I dunno, but here are some files." Popsuela waved some folders in her hand. Loona eyed the monitor. “This is so fucked." 

"Cameras on all these poor, hypnotized people… these fuck boy freaks get worse and worse.” Millie’s heart broke. “Oh shit, this is the plan!" Popsuela adjusted her glasses. “Oh… this is the most stupid thing I've ever seen." 

 

Stolas was with Moxxie. “I hate to add to the anxiety, but what if the villains who captured our family are around? Oh, I don't want to be attacked.”

"Ha!” Moxxie chuckled. "Please, Stolas. I know how to handle goons!” Stolas laughed. "Ah yes, I forgot. But isn't assuming they're all alike a bit… classist?”

"Not when they work for evil fucks like my dad and whoever these idiots are! Now let's go find my wife!... Okay, and Loona." 

 

"Why are there so many damn typos? It's like a little kid wrote it!” Loona read the paper. "Not a smart one either, one who already doesn't give a shit and sits in the back of the class writing on the table." 

“Essentially, they're kidnapping ‘hot’ people so they can build an army of hypnotized women, or female presenting people anyway, so they can turn Hell into a party beach.”

“What?!" Loona dropped the file. "I'm beyond embarrassed we let them outsmart us… Satan fuck.” She buried her head in her hands. Millie gave her back a pat. "Yeah, but think of how easy it'll be to win against ‘em! And ooh, the prison time!" She grinned at the thought of their shrieks. Popsuela cleared her throat. “Well, before you get swept up in murder fantasies, maybe we should tell everyone what we found?” 

“Oh yeah. Ooh, a loudspeaker!" Loona climbed a desk to operate.

 

Her voice echoed clearly: "Attention, all on the team of taking down the lifeguards holding us hostage! Down hallway 4C, you will find a double door!”

 

Blitz's head shot up to the speaker on the wall he was near. Loony?! His eyes immediately looked and he ran. 4C, 4C… He recalled desperately. 4C… 420? Ha! Good one, Blitz! Nope, my daughter! Gotta stay focused!

 

“Loona?!" Stolas and Moxxie looked at each other with wide eyes and ran. 

 

Fuckin' finally! Blitz panted as he found the correct door. He wiped his forehead.

 

Loona stepped down. “I hope they all heard-" 

“Loona!" 

“Dad?! I-" She was smothered in a hug. “Mm! You okay, kiddo? Hey, Millie. Hey, random person." Millie and Popsuela frowned. But the doors now swinging open brought Stolas and Moxxie. “MILLIE?" He twirled her. Soon, the other escapees accumulated. “Hold on, folks." Blitz put a hand up. “Moxxie needs a minute to be a pussy to his wife." 

 

Strewartson and Joshwyn already had a pile of beer cans stacked. "Hey… where are those three fucks with the hot babes we stole?" Joshwyn staired at the empty I.M.P. towel. “And like, why does it look like this area was fiddled with?!” They shared a look.and sentence: "Intruders!”

 

"Now we know how to free the other inmates, but they'll still be hypnotized!" Popsuela shook her head. One of the rescuees thought for a second. “Actually, before Loona sang, I felt lucidity whenever the sun from above ground would hit my face.” They rubbed their arm. "They only come down to put prisoners under ground, and my cell is, was, right near the opening so I'd feel the sun for a second! Marlonise, they/them by the way. Not that the transphobes who kidnapped me asked." 

“So we must find a way to open the latch from in here to return these fine folks back to themselves!" Stolas stood tall and Blitz patted his back. "Great job reiterating what they just said, Stol-ass. Hooray, exposition!” Stolas frowned. “Well, if that's how you feel, I'll go keep watch out there." He stormed out with great melodrama, making a few of the escapees snicker.

 

He paced around. Thank Satan, it's much too loud in that packed room! He sighed and embraced the silence, which was interrupted by the latch opening. In the glaring sun, he could just make out… “The fuck boys!" Stolas yelped and bolted. “Blitzy! Millie! Moxxie! Loona! But mostly Millie, she's competent, help!”

 

“Where are you going, bro?" Strewartson caught up to him and grabbed him. "Help!” He shrieked one more time. "Preferably Millie!”

 

"Wait, is that a hidden button behind the monitor?” Loona pushed a few wires aside. “Yeah, Loony!" 

“Shut up, Dad. Hell yes!" 

“Set ‘em free!" Millie was still in Moxxie's grasp as he hugged her and refused to do otherwise.

 

“What are you going to do to me in these hallways?" Gasped Stolas, pinned to the floor by the two fuck boys. “First we're gonna give me a wet Willy…” Sneered Joshwyn. “Then we're gonna unleash our army of sexy girls on you!" To the boys’ shock, Stolas giggled and blushed. "’Wet Willy? I-”

 

Stolas’s scream was heard throughout the entire lab. “That's not what my sweet Blitzy considers a wet Willy! Good lord!”

 

Blitz's hackles went up. "Stolas!” He looked at Loona desperately, not wanting to leave her side but having to. "Go get ‘im, Dad. I got a team of badasses, and Moxxie on my side.” Moxxie was too busy still holding Millie to care.

 

Blitz ran to the source of the (continuing) screaming. Fuck, Stolas, I thought you were loud when I gave you one ‘a my wet Willies!

 

“Stop! Stop!" He saw Stolas wailing and thrashing on the floor as he got tickled.

 

“Stolas hates tickle play!" Blitz seethed. “Hey! Pool noodle fuckers, off my boyfriend!" He charged them and pushed them off of Stolas. “Sexy Feathers! Are you alright?!" He helped Stolas to his feet. Everyone marveled as the latch leading above ground opened up and revealed sunshine. “Oh no, we've been discovered!" Strewartson began to shake. Joshwyn laughed. “You dumb imp fuck, I can close it with the remote on my belt only I have access to!" 

“You mean this one?" Stolas waved the remote in his hand. “Swiped it while you were assaulting me, I'm dreadfully alarmed you didn't feel it." 

“Ha!" Blitz kissed his boyfriend's cheek. “Guess ya gotta resort to the other remote in yer pants for fun! Dumbass!”

"What's going on?” Yelped a scared voice.

 

Another imp was stuck in a cell with the light shining on her. “I'm still in this dumb cell?! Let me out!" 

“Sunlight breaks the hypnotism!" Blitz nodded. “Don't worry kid, you will be free!" 

“We can just unleash the army of chicks who haven't been un- de- not hypnotized.” Joshwyn was so smug he failed to see his own stupidity. "The fuck you will!” Popsuela led the army of freed slaves, and Moxxie. "Go!” Yelled one of the freed people. Joshwyn and Strewartson were pummeled by a dozen people. 

 

Moxxie pulled Stolas from the fight. “This is their fight. We have a imp to liberate." He turned back to the crowd. “Knock ‘em dead, honey! And other, equally amazing folks! Hey, where's Blitz?" 

 

The monitor room

 

He looked around a bit. There! Dammit, Loony and others, you forgot to set the others free! There's gotta be a button for that, those lifeguards are hot but boy are they stupid! Sure enough, a button that read Release the Bitches. He shuddered. Satan fuck, is this what I sound like? Maybe I should work on myself… nah. Anyway… He pressed the button.

 

Hypnotized inmates were set free.

Most were nowhere near the sun and therefore were still in a trance.

 

They were soon going to collide with those who were freed, and it was going to be interesting.

Chapter 6: Moxxed Out

Summary:

The idiots are brought to justice and Moxxie's wish for time with his wife comes true.

Notes:

Thanks for reading my brief but fun to write epic, don't be shy to shout out requests, and I'll see you next time for Hell Hijinks! Again, feedback, not just kudos, are appreciated!

And yes, as someone who lives near the ocean, dusk is my favorite time to go ❤️ This chapter is partially a love letter to it, but mostly Blitz being a doofus🤣 If it's one thing Blitzø and I agree on, it's that we abhor country music, let alone on a beautiful beach.

“Oh, you're in trouble now!" Strewartson desperately nodded to the incoming hellions under hypnosis. Dozens of others against a small group, and the sun took up a menial crevice in comparison. 

 

“Girlies, attack!" Screamed Joshwyn. "We're outnumbered!” Millie screamed.

 

As the struggle continued, Blitz, Moxxie and Stolas worked harder on freeing more prisoners to get them into the sunlight. Blitz looked back at them. “Am I the only one kind of aroused right now?" 

"Yes!” Everyone barked, including the dehypnotized prisoner that him, Moxxie and Stolas were freeing. 

 

“ENOUGH!" Loona assumed her wolf form and kicked Strewartson and Joshwyn out of the center of the light coming in. Then, an idea/memory popped into her head: “Me, probably stashing porn.” "That's it! Millie!”

 

Millie threw someone into the sliver of sunlight. "Yeah, Loo?” She panted. "Think you can get Ol’ Trusty out for another round?”

“Uh, sure!" She pushed someone else. “Ow! I'm already lucid, dammit!”

"Sorry, darlin'. Popsuela, uh… everyone else, you got this?" 

“Fuck yeah!" They yelled.

 

The lock was undone and Loona began to dig. “Ah-ha!" She grabbed a stack of magazines. “They are hiding porn!" She threw them on the floor, and Millie picked one up. “Uh… Tall ‘and Sturdy? Hole lotta Junk? Peen-is this Workin’ For Ya?”

"That's all gay porn!” They rang. 

"I'm not surprised.” Loona shrugged. Millie nodded. "I knew they were compensating for somethin'. Let's blackmail these fucks!”

 

Another prisoner was freed by Stolas, but what he didn't count on: “Ah, they're hypnotized and attacking! Blitzy, help!" He wailed like a baby as someone feet shorter than him threw lazy smacks at him.

 

Loona and Millie returned. “Howdy, boys.” They got in the faces of the fuck boys. “Maybe it's my hatred of girls with too much confidence, but I feel really uncomfortable right now." Joshwyn shifted. Loona raised a copy of Cuck a Doodle Doo to their faces and they yelped. “The chicks know we're into dudes!" Strewartson went white. "There's a way to make this disappear.” Loona poked his chest though her tone was still full of maliced glee. "Yo, really? What?” He smiled. Loona and Millie exchanged a look. "Wh- call off your army, you fuckin' idiot!” Millie smacked him. "Ohhhhh,” The boys recognized in unison before adding a disappointed, "Ohhhh” with a different inflection. "And use respectful language,” Millie ordered through her teeth. "Okay, uh, bitch- uh, girls!” Joshwyn raised his voice. "Wrong!” Loona smacked him. "They're not even all women, you presumptuous transphobe!”

"Fine! Uh, folks!" He caught the army's attention. “Stop where you are." 

 

I.M.P. was responsible for taking the remaining inmates out of the lair. Responsible only, however. Moxxie still gripped his wife and Blitz was writing Fuck, Cum, and Penis along with other profanity in the sand. 

 

Joshwyn and Strewartson were reluctantly passing the inmates up on the chair. 

 

“You're free! Go be with your friends and family!" Stolas grabbed a woman by the hands. “Where was I?!" She looked around nervously. “I don't geddit, though." Loona handed her some water. “How can two dipshits operating on a single brain cell build a lair that intricate? That place was impressive!”

"We bought it in a magazine, duh!” Joshwyn called up. "Ah, of course.” She shook her head. 

 

20 minutes later 

 

"Well, that's everyone.” Strewartson came up scornfully from the chair, seeing his own underground lair for the last time. "Hope you party haters are happy.”

"’Party haters?!’” Moxxie screamed. "You enslaved people underground for a week to make Hell into a crappy, polluted beach!”

"You say that like it's a bad thing.” Joshwyn raised an eyebrow. "It was gonna be lit! Hot chicks while Strewartson and I made out in private, dixie cup ice creams, cola, country music on the jukebox-”

"Oh fuck no!” Blitz jumped to his feet. "You are some kinda fucked, you freaks! You're goin' to prison!" 

“What?! You called the cops?!" Squeaked Joshwyn. “Well, obviously!" Stolas threw his hands up. “You enslaved innocent people!" 

 

As they were driven away in a cop car, Strewartson stuck his head out the window. “Don't tell anyone what you fooooouuuuuund!" He commanded Millie and Loona. “We will!" They shouted back. Loona took a picture of the porn. "Hello, social media!” 

"Okay, once you're done harassing people based on their sexuality even though you're a queer woman yourself, who wants overpriced fried crap from the food area?!” Blitz slapped her back. Everyone heartily agreed… other than Moxxie.

 

“Yo, Moxx, you gonna eat your deep fried mystery shit?" I.M.P. sat at a  table. “No, sir," He grumbled. Blitz helped himself. “Thanks, ho. So, you gonna sit there like a kid who got their pony taken away or are you gonna tell us what the fuck’s the matter?" He burped. Moxxie scoffed. “What I wanted to be a relaxing break from the literal hell within Hell we've been in became more stressful than an average mission because of you, Blitz!”

"Oh, toughen up, Moxx.” Blitz punched his arm, making him flinch. "So I invited myself, my boyfriend and my daughter on your beach trip and fucked up the inevitably shitty road trip. I didn't get your wife kidnapped.” Moxxie slammed his paper cup. "Imagine trying to have a family day with Stolas and Loona then having fuckin' Fizz come or something!”

"Why Fizz?” Loona was scrolling her phone. Moxxie shrugged. "’Cuz he brings chaos fucking everywhere. My point is, look in your damn heart, Blitz! I know there's one in that lizard-coded chest of yours!” Before Blitz could answer, Stolas put his hand over his mouth. “Don't worry, Moxxie. I'll explain this predicament to Blitz in his own language shortly. We'll meet at the car in three hours. You and Millie go enjoy your time together.” 

"Thanks, Stolas.” Moxxie smiled gratefully and Millie took her husband's hand with a giggle. "Let's go swimmin', honey!”

"I dunno… maybe let's stay up here? The beach kinda fucking sucks." 

“When it's crowded, maybe, but look now!" Loona pointed to the beach, which was far more quiet and empty in the evening, not to mention accompanied by a looming sunset lighting the ocean. “Go have fun with yer wifey, Moxx." Blitz smiled. Moxxie took his wife's hand and looked at the pink lit beach ahead of them. Then he looked at her, complemented with hues from the sleepy sun. Then he took a breath. “Actually, do you wanna come, Blitz?" 

“Damn, really?" 

“Fuck no! Give my wife and I some privacy, for Satan's sake!" They walked off without a word. 

 

Stolas and Loona stifled a laugh at Blitz's expense. “Well, fuck you too!" He called.

 

Not that M and M were paying the slightest bit of attention at this point.

 

In a few minutes 

 

Loona was up on the now deserted lifeguard chair taking selfies.

 

Stolas and Blitz were splashing in the water. “Blitzy, darling, what are you looking for?" 

"Finally! Stolas… there's something I gotta tell you.”

“What is it, dear?" 

“I, uh… this is hard." He sucked air through his teeth. "Stols, I got crabs.” He held a crab in Stolas's face and made him yelp before falling into the water. “Can't believe you fell for that,” Called Loona. Blitz thought Stolas was about to pout, but he retaliated and jumped onto Blitz instead, cackling. Stolas's infectious laugh spread to Blitz in seconds, and made him blush. I really am in love… “Here comes the tackle monster, Stolas! Tickling is for the bedroom." He laughed before jumping on him. “Blitz, if I wasn't sure you taste like saltwater, I'd kiss you. Settle for a hug?" 

“You goddit. And a tuggie?" 

“There's some daylight still, love, and you are a screamer." They resumed their splashing and laughing. “Moxx was right; I feel free. Love you so fucking much, Stolas." 

"Love you too. You know, I'm surprised you haven't faked a shark attack.”

"Meh, been there, done that, had the cops called, it ain't worth it.”

 

Finally, Millie and Moxxie stared at the sunset. "Say, Millie, you will stay in touch with Popsuela, right?”

"Of course! We're gonna go out for lunch, and she's gonna fix Ol’ Trusty for me!” She took Moxxie's hand. "Y’know, getting kidnapped was really something.”

"You gonna be okay, Millie?” She let him rest his head on her shoulder. "Yeah, I will. But will you? I know how anxious you get, Moxxie.”

"Seeing this perfect sunset, finally being alone with you… yeah, after a few more beers, I'll be fine.” She giggled. “You jerk. Now kiss me." They finally kissed as the sun officially set, still leaving light in the sky.

 

“What a sunset," Someone said. “Now it's time to play some country music! Got the radio, babe?" She batted her eyelashes. “You bet, hon!" 

 

Unfortunately for them, Blitz heard that interaction. "Oh fuck no!” He bolted, despite Stolas ordering him to stop.

 

"You scum!" Blitz was frothing at the mouth, quite literally. 

 

M and M were oblivious, even over the sounds of screams and a radio being dismembered. “You're so cute in this lighting, Moxxie. Your buck teeth are glowin’ in this lighting." He giggled and gave her a hug, both of them being blanketed by euphoria. "Someone call an ambulance!” Screamed a stray beach goer.