Chapter Text
Bella leaned back against the tree, eyes closed as she listened to the scattered murmur of a late-August breeze through leaves. The afternoon sun slanted in such a way that, even under the branches, she was in the light. She could feel the heat prickling at her skin, so physical in its presence that she could almost imagine she was in Phoenix for a moment. Almost imagine she was 15 and clueless, worried only about her late library books and whether or not Renee would remember the eggs, bread, and cereal from the grocery, or return with something random like duck breast and plums again.
The chatter of passing students startled her back into awareness and she pulled her backpack closer, eyes tracking the small cluster of girls until they’d walked across the plaza to the Gruening building. Probably studying English judging by the copies of "Leaves of Grass" under their arms.
The sun sparked hot against her skin once more, but the feeling had passed.
This was definitely not Phoenix. It wasn’t even the contiguous United States. Even with all the craziness of the last few years, there was no part of her that ever imagined she’d end up living in Alaska of all places.
Yet, here they were. Charlie, despite being a 20 year veteran, had found himself as the newbie of a police force and Bella was the too-old freshman at University of Alaska — Fairbanks.
She knew 2 years was not that much in the grand scheme of things and it wasn’t like any of her peers even knew her age. Still, it didn’t change the fact that she felt old. These were as much children as the ones she’d left behind in Forks. That boy over there with the hacky sack could easily be Mike Newton. The girl chalking the sidewalk for some organization’s interest meeting was just a red-haired Angela Newton. The girl who’d used her laptop camera to do her makeup next to Bella in Calc-1 was a Jessica Stanley clone if ever she saw one. They’d probably all loiter at the mall on the weekend, or go on dates to that new movie Step Up that just hit theaters, or maybe even go ATVing if the weather was especially pleasant.
They didn’t know that monsters roamed in shadows and daylight alike; that one wrong alley could lead them to a woman craving their blood; that that other hiker in the forest might trade his skin for fur as easily as you might switch anoraks.
A male voice cleared its throat somewhere behind her shoulder and she flinched, spinning around on to all fours to get a look.
Oh. It was… what was his name? Denny?
"Hey, Bella. Enjoying the sun while we still have it, I see. Wise move."
He was smiling nicely enough, if a little goofily. Bella straightened into a stand, leaning against the trunk.
"Oh… hey. Yeah. Heard it gets pretty dark around here even next month."
"Down to 4 hours of daylight by the time we break for Christmas," he grinned.
They’d met in her ENGL F270X class, Introduction to Creative Writing. Denny was a native Alaskan, Half-Yupik and Half-Japanese, according to their classroom icebreaker, and from somewhere called Dillingham. His favorite book was The Three Body Problem, and when answering "who is your hero?" he had unironically answered Batman.
Like Bella had said: children.
She wished she was still a child.
He was still standing there though the smile was dimming a bit.
Right… human interactions typically demanded a response for common politeness. "That’s… so short."
He huffed a laugh. "Tell me about it. But you get used to it. No worries. Hey —" his grin went crooked, and she imagined she might have found it charming once upon a time. "Some friends and I are hitting a bonfire Friday at Whitefish Campground over off the Chatanika. Some sorority/fraternity thing I think, but any are welcome." He ran a hand through his hair, though it read more with anxiety than an attempt at suaveness. "Would you… wanna come with me?"
Christ.
Bella smiled awkwardly. "Sorry… I have a babysitting gig." She wondered if she was supposed to say "some other time" to soften it, but figured he might take her at her word.
"Oh… yeah. Ok, no problem, that’s…" he stuck his hands in his pockets and ducked his head, "gotta make that money, right? Good on you. Uh… see you in class I guess?"
She made sure she smiled when she nodded. "See you in class, Denny."
He nodded and walked away.
Against the tree, Bella sighed and tried to remember what it was like to feel safe.
"I’m worried about you, Bells."
4 hours later and Bella was having the same conversation she’d had almost daily since school started.
"I’m fine, dad. Give me some time to adjust to classes first," she offered, shoving the salad to his side of the table in hopes that it would spark a greater willingness for Charlie to consume it.
"I’d believe you if we hadn’t been here for a year and a half already and you still hadn’t made a single friend."
She rolled her eyes. "I’m not five. I don’t need play dates to feel fulfilled and you know there are a lot of things that keep me tied to this house. Besides, I don’t see you hanging out with anyone on the weekends."
Charlie took another bite of his steak; eyed the bowl of greens suspiciously. "I’ll have you know I’m going to an office barbecue next weekend. AND, I’m supposed to go fishing with one of the other deputies next time our days off align."
Well, shoot.
"What are the pink and white things?"
"They’re radishes, dad. Just try it."
He took a bite of one of the coin sized wafers… and grimaced. Bella sighed.
"I’m just saying, honey, things have to change eventually. I know it’s complicated but at some point… Bella, you either need to get a life or you need to get help to get a life. And I don’t care which it is but… you can’t stay the way you’ve been going." He squirted a glob of A-1 on his plate and speared another piece of steak, rolling it around in the mess before taking a hearty bite. Wiped his hand across his mustache and sighed. "I love you. I just want you to be happy."
Bella stared at him. "…I got invited to a bonfire Friday." She eyed the bowl… then looked back up at her worried, lovely, bear-of-a-man father. Bless and curse Charlie Swan for never being able to let something go. But god, she loved him. Fine. She could do this. "If you agree to eat any salad I make for the next month, I’ll consider it."
Charlie’s brows lofted in surprise and his eyes brightened. "Seriously?"
Bella nodded.
The man smiled, glanced down at the bowl… and popped another radish in his mouth. "You’ve got yourself a deal."
Upstairs, there was the sound of a small clatter.
They eyed each other… then rock-paper-scissored.
With a grin, Charlie smiled, grabbed a handful of green from the salad bowl with his literal hand, stuffed it in his mouth, and left the table.
Left alone, Bella put her head in her hands and tried to breathe.
It was Friday, and she could do this.
She could do this.
She could —
She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t. She couldn’t.
Bella walked right by Denny after her ENGL —
She walked right by him and instead, walked to the place she’d promised herself she wouldn’t.
"Hi, can I help you?"
The girl at the student health center desk had a smile so bright that Bella couldn’t tell if it made her want to cry or… or maybe just cry. She opened her mouth and nothing came out.
"What’s your name, doll?" the girl tried again.
Bella cleared her throat. "I’m… I’m Bella. Swan."
"Hi, Bella. I’m Sarah and I’m a grad student here, but I’m also a student resource aid. I can help you find whatever it is you need. What are you looking for, honey?"
God, how did you even describe what it was she needed? A mind wipe? A new life? No — not a new life, she could never do that — but … just… something.
"I… I’ve been… struggling, recently. I’ve gone through some…" what word did you use? Maybe just "rough stuff the last few years and I’m finding it hard to… start again, sort of. To…"
The girl nodded kindly, eyes impossibly sweet and attentive.
Bella tried again: "I think I need… help… to learn how to… live again, maybe? How to be just… a person?"
Sarah hmm’d sweetly, hand reaching to grasp Bella’s and squeeze it softly.
Bella didn’t even mind it.
"I can help you with that," Sarah smiled.
It turned out, Sarah really meant it. Her shift let out after an hour and Sarah said, if Bella joined her for dinner and a walk around the campus, they could both walk to the support group together afterward.
Because, apparently, Sarah attended this group too. There were a lot of specific ones, she’d said, when she’d tried to help Bella figure out specifically what she needed. But Bella didn’t have an eating disorder, and she hadn’t recently lost a loved one, and she didn’t suffer from a chronic illness, and she hadn’t been diagnosed with ADHD or another learning or attention disorder, so those were out. It turned out, after that, the only ones left were one for LGBTQIA+ students, one for sexual assault survivors, and one that was a sort of catch all called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" that Sarah said was for anyone wanting to change something about their life, be it an addiction, depression, developing good habits, etc.
Sarah said she herself went to that group because even though she’d mostly gotten a grip on her PTSD from a trauma when she was a kid (Bella didn’t know how to ask what it was; figured she’d leave it up to the girl herself to share if she wanted), it was important to keep up good habits and maintain a clear understanding of your mental health. Plus, she was getting a master’s degree in counseling so it was helping her learn how to help others too.
Apparently the woman leading was young but extremely educated, and Sarah described her as "an empath"; though, she wondered if the woman was actually just excellent at reading body language. Either way, Sarah called her a miracle worker.
Bella found herself stunned to actually be enjoying dinner beforehand. Sarah had a way of making you feel at ease, weaving in and out through topics like a fish in water so smoothly that Bella could find herself conversing on a subject she hadn’t even allowed her conscious mind to approach in months.
Also, it was nice to share a meal with someone who appreciated more than a slab of meat on their plate.
By the time they had made it to 7pm and the entrance to a basement level classroom, Bella almost felt comfortable.
She should have known better. She should. Have. Known. Better.
Because when Sarah walked her in, past the table with lemonade and cookies, past the awkward circle of chairs, and over to the blonde woman bent over a portable speaker with an ipod plugged in, Bella was almost excited to meet this 'miracle worker' woman. She could almost taste a world where she no longer felt the frizz of anxiety and dread that clouded every moment.
But then, when Sarah said, "Tanya, I have someone I want to introduce you to," and that blonde form turned up and around with a smile…
The only thing Bella could see was eyes.
Gold eyes.
She couldn’t breathe.
She couldn’t BREATHE.
She —
"I think she’s having a panic attack—"
"—her in a chair."
Breathe.
"— only just met —
"—’s okay Bella, feel your hand on my chest? I want you to—"
Breathe.
"See? Long and slow… with me, on —"
Her lungs were so tight.
The gold — gold — gold —
"C’mon sweetie, with me —"
Need to breathe.
"Breathe."
Breathe.
And then she was, barely; darkness receding, light no longer just a pinprick but growing, growing, and —
Then she was gasping, leaning over with it as a hand on her back rubbed, and a sweet aroma invaded her senses, and —
Her hand was being pressed against another’s chest, feeling their own large, exaggerated breaths, so Bella copied —
Copied the innnnnnn, and ouuuuuuut, innnnnnn, ouuuuuuut, of that melifluous voice —
Until finally the world came back into order, peach smears suddenly faces, gray tableaus forming into chairs and a far table.
Someone handed her a cup of lemonade and she drank it greedily, the sweetness a pleasing shock, syrupy almost in its density, eyes shut in need.
Bella breathed deeply and gloried in it.
Her lashes fluttered back open.
There was an angel of a woman kneeling in front of her, smiling, hand cupping Bella’s face, fingers wound through the hair behind her ear.
"Good job, darling, take another one for me.
Bella breathed again and so did the woman, with a slow whooshing pull through her lips and back out.
Those gold eyes glinted with a warm approval.
If Bella was more in control of her body she would have run. But as it stood, panic-weary and hazy, Bella couldn’t move.
…She’d always been more of a 'freeze' than a 'fight or flee' anyway.
"Hi, Bella. Welcome back," the angel grinned.
"I need to go," Bella tried, voice still thin and reedy.
"No," the woman cooed, "you’re alright. You’re going to stay right here, ok? Stay with me, that’s it."
The woman coached another breath and Bella copied. In… and out. And again.
"Bella?" It was Sarah now, to the left of the woman, face worried and eyes flitting across Bella’s form. "Doing alright?"
"I need to go," Bella tried again.
"You’re exactly where you need to be, sweetie," the angel said, thumb moving soft-soft-softly against Bella’s cheek.
"Sarah, sit there? Take her hand — that’s it. I’ll be right back.”
In what felt like seconds but was probably much longer, the woman came back, another cup of lemonade and a plate of cookies in her hand.
"Do you have low blood sugar?"
Bella shook her head.
"Have you had a panic attack before?"
Bella nodded. It wasn’t often, but there had been a few scattered here and there. This one though — it was almost like the early days when even a hand on her back could send her into a frenzy of adrenaline-fueled fear.
The woman had kneeled in front of her again; her hand on Bella’s knee now.
Her body still wasn’t responding like it should. Bella tried to think. Should she pull away? Would that trigger the woman’s instincts? But she had gold eyes, not red. Still. What was — What was a vampire doing here of all places?
She tried to think back on the details of the last few minutes.
Was… was this woman… was this woman leading the group?
Christ, Bella really had the worst luck didn’t she?
But maybe it made sense. Why wouldn’t a vampire choose a city that barely had daylight half the year?
She hadn’t known there were other vegetarian vampires. Edward had made it seem like they were a breed apart.
At least that meant she had a chance of not being eaten tonight.
Though, he had always said her blood was particularly potent a scent.
Should she… go?
She should go.
But Sarah was there, holding her hand, and the woman was still there, both hands on her knees now, saying something softly, and —
But god dammit, no one had touched Bella like this in over a year. Charlie avoided it; remembered the flinches from early on and had learned how to stay away. How to hand her a spatula, or the mail, without a graze. Learned how to wake her with words rather than a hand on the shoulder.
And Bella touched Liney but that was different, and Liney touched back but it wasn’t with the same level of intention —not like this. Not to —
It felt good.
Somehow, impossibly, it felt safe.
Jesus, this should not feel safe.
Just stay a few more moments, Bella told herself.
And Bella knew to do so would be to abandon any self-preservation instincts she should rightfully have. She knew it was possibly the dumbest thing she could do.
But, just a few more moments, Bella told herself, all the same.
And Bella listened.
It was a strange night.
Bella had stayed, and stayed through the whole meeting. This was the first of the year though apparently a lot of people who came were members of it the year previous. They greeted each other like old friends, and shared jokes, and smiled.
And then, when it came time to share, they did. And they didn’t do it in that forced, defensive way Bella had when Charlie had forced her into therapy for all of three weeks before she’d protested so much, they’d chosen to move away instead. Well, there were multiple factors in that decision, but to Bella, getting away from people who knew her and were making her talk about it was one of them.
But these people — maybe not the ones who were there for the first time like her, but the returners — they shared. Not just actions or events, but feelings too. Some even cried, but afterward, they looked proud not ashamed.
There was Miles who had recovered from a meth addiction and now had an addiction to pixie sticks that he was none-the-less trying to quit.
There was Higalik who had grown up in an abusive household, who was trying to get into better habits now that she was a grad student and living on her own.
There was Sarah who did finally share. She shared about losing her little sister to cancer, and the anxiety and OCD that came afterward. How it had taken over her life as surely as illness did her sister’s. How she had almost taken her own life before finally getting help.
And there was Tanya. Tanya who led them all through it. Who explained the basics of CBT and how, over the course of the year, they would be learning the practices of mindfulness, guided discovery, cognitive restructuring, and more to help them deal with whatever was holding them back from fully living.
Tanya who shared that she too had once had an addiction — that it felt like she had needed that thing so much, it was as essential as blood to survival. How she’d then turned to sex as a numbing agent. How she eventually started using sex to buy the drug, the two becoming inexorably entwined.
And Bella — Bella could read between the lines. It was both alike, and so unlike Edward. The horror of a life where one must kill to live. The endless pursuit of 'distraction' to avoid the terrible knowledge that you had lost your soul.
But Tanya… Tanya talked like she was done with it. Like she was happy.
Edward was talented, and deep, and philosophical and beautiful, yes —
But he had never been happy.
Tanya talked about her sisters saving her life. About finding solace in nature, and art. About the long, slow, but rewarding process of discovering herself and who she really was.
Could… could people — not even vampires, just people — ever really get there? She’d always thought the happy ones were just the ones whom life hadn’t bitten yet. That their day would come.
The revolutions between new-awakening hope, and despairing belief that that could never be true for her warred so strongly and so quickly back and forth that by the end of the hour meeting, Bella felt like she’d run a marathon.
Actually, running was still probably a good idea.
She stood to leave and —
"Bella, I’m so glad you came today."
It was Tanya.
Bella tried not to flinch at those gold eyes.
"Can I… Can I expect you next week?"
The woman almost seemed anxious as she waited for the response, though Bella could hardly imagine why.
"I’m not sure…"
The blonde stepped closer, hand slipping over to take Bella’s, eyes locked on hers the whole way.
The war in Bella flared harder, now between fear and an aching urge to be touched again like earlier; comforted. "This has been a lot to think about."
"Dealing with our histories… our wounds… especially our faults… it’s not an easy thing, I know. But it is possible. We might not be exactly who we were 'before’ — but we can become something even better. I really believe that," Tanya murmured.
Bella hmm’d, still stuck on those golden eyes. It was hard to listen. She pulled her hand away and took a half step back;
Tanya’s eyes tracked her movement, lip tucking in her mouth for a moment before releasing, shiny and just the slightest bit pouted.
"I really need to get —"
Bella’s phone rang.
It was Charlie.
"Um... One moment, I need to—" Bella held up the phone; shook it. Tanya nodded, but didn’t step away. Bella took a few steps instead.
She clicked accept:
"Bella, hey. How is the bonfire?"
What? Oh — "Um, fine, yeah. It’s been… a good time."
"Well, your favorite girl is looking to say goodnight, so I figured I’d call. Apparently I’m a poor substitute," he laughed.
Bella kept her eyes on Tanya who was looking right back; eyes attentive and searching.
"Yeah, put her on."
Silence answered her, but she hadn’t expected much else.
"Hello darling, I know I’m out late. Just wanted to say that I love you, so so so very much. You’re my favorite girl in the whole world, you know that right?"
Just a murmur, then the sound of sucking.
"Good night, baby. I’ll give you a kiss in the morning."
Sarah had just walked up, gently bumping Bella’s shoulder with her arms down. Bella should have known she’d want to say goodbye. Bella should have remembered to say goodbye. This girl had been sweet to her.
"Love you, Bella," it was Charlie again. "You’re good to get home, right?"
Bella nodded, distracted. Then realized: "hm, oh yes, I’m good."
"Ok, well, see you tomorrow then, favorite daughter of mine," and then he hung up, leaving Bella smiling faintly at the familiar joke.
"…Someone waiting up for you at home, huh?" Sarah asked, laughing. "You left that out in our dinner conversation.
Tanya was still just a few paces away, eyes fixed on Bella.
It was hard to turn away; some combination of taking your eye off a predator, but also taking your eye off of someone who looked like Helen of Troy. Vampires really were shaped into perfection weren’t they? A cruel trick of nature.
("The better to eat you my dear," rang in her brain, some strange echo from her childhood stories that sang out at times like this, and the image of a slavering wolf. Bella shivered.)
"Hm? Oh, yeah."
"Who is he? What’s his name?"
Bella couldn’t help but smile; this question, at least, was always easy to answer. "Her name is Rosaline — Liney — and she’s the prettiest girl in the world."
Then, with a quick wave of a goodbye to both the women watching her (one, smiling, the other, unreadable) Bella left to catch the bus. She’d try to get those kisses tonight if she could.
Kate was shocked when Tanya showed up at the door, windswept, twigs in her hair, and panting like she was a human who’d just run a race.
"Jebať, Tatyana, we got you a car for a reason. What did you do, run in a direct line from UAF to here?"
Tanya nodded, eyes wide, hand at her heart.
Irina and Carmen wandered in from the kitchen, curious to see the commotion.
Tanya walked over to Kate and pulled her into her arms, clinging even as she trembled.
"What is it —what’s wrong?" Kate asked, anxious now; her and Irina’s eyes locked tightly in an ever-growing worry.
"I found her," Tanya whispered, breath as shaky as her frame.
"Who, cariño?” Carmen said, coming close to lay a hand on her back. "What has happened?"
Tanya leaned up, venom gleaming bright in her eyes;
"I found her. Tonight… I found my mate."
Bella crept up the stairs, careful to avoid the third from the top. No need to make extraneous noises.
Yes, she was going to get a kiss, but as a whole, she really hoped her girl stayed asleep. Otherwise, it would be a long night.
She eased the door open, stepping into the room aglow with a soft ocean blue from the Little Mermaid nightlight.
She leaned into the crib, careful-careful-careful not to jolt it.
Then laid her lips on her daughter’s head, hair baby-soft and just starting to grow long enough for the tiniest ponytails.
"I love you, sweetling. And I’m so glad you’re mine," she whispered.
And then, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, Bella Swan jammed the thoughts of tonight’s vampire into the impenetrable vault that had become so terribly familiar in her head… and went to bed.
She’d leave tomorrow’s problems for tomorrow.