Kiss From A Lime

by TheSilvertoungedAssoc

Summary:

Don't ask. If you know, you know.

In the heart of the waters surrounding the Island of Baja, beneath the coral citadels, sat the Seal God— Shaquille O’Neal. Towering and magnificent, with slick fur shimmering like leather and eyes that held the ancient wisdom of the Orlando Magic, Shaq ruled his aquatic domain with an aura of calm strength.

He was more than legend. He was the ruler of Baja.

Every century, when the sea sang in the key of Lime and the Super Bowl Moon rose over the Pacific, the Great Thirst Wars would begin. Sprite LeBron James of Cranberry— King of the Golden Lakers and bearer of the Berry Curse— descended with his father-forged army of ice golems, glistening and relentless.

Only one force could match his carbonation: the sacred, fizzy fury of the Baja Blast.

On the mainland, Muze— a cyber oni Vtuber— finished another Dark Souls gaming marathon. He wasn't aware of the fate that was impending opon him. As they sipped from a glowing neon green bottle, the signal hit. The screen flickered, and a waveform of the holy seal’s voice dunked the reality into place.

“Muze... The ball is in your court now."

The room shattered into seafoam as Shaq himself descended, a vortex of bubbles and bass. With a flipper the size of a small car, he booped his forehead. The bottle in his hand exploded into light, fusing into their code. His horns sparked green as opposed to red. Shaq's voice glitched with thunder.

“Welcome to the team,” he said. “Only the Shaquillicous wield Baja Blast.”

As Muze was swept off his feet, the waters churned unexpectedly halfway towards Shaq's home. The northern winds howled with the voice of Sprite LeBron. Riding a glacier chariot pulled by polar bears in Ray-Bans, he arrived, chugging cranberry elixirs and humming the cursed jingle:

“Wanna Sprite Cranberry?”

With him came the monsterous Ice Golems, frozen beings sculpted from the tears of forgotten soda mascots. At the front rode LeBron, cloaked in expired coupons and vengeance.

Shaq, Muze, and the sealfolk army gathered. The ocean gleamed as a hologram of their bard SEAL projected across the surface, singing Kiss From A Lime, his voice the rallying cry of the deep.

Becky G emerged from the seafoam, dual-wielding lime-blades, nodding to Muze.

"I was in the commercial too y'know. I just wanna how you can NOT wear a coat at this time of year, Muze?”

There wasn't any time for random fuckin' fourth wall breaking questions that don't matter to the storyline. The golems clashed with sealfolk so Becky G danced through frost giants, Muze ascended like that one SpongeBob image— his oni horns glowing with Baja power. He screamed into the sky and unleashed it:

"BAJAAA BLAST!!!"

Neon lightning carved the sky, tracing the veins of every golem. They fizzed. They cracked. They evaporated. Absolute Cinema.

Sprite LeBron stumbled and fell to his knees. Shaq rose, larger than life, surfing a megalodon. His roar shook the ocean:

“Can't nobody fuck with the 32. You ain’t dunking Baja!”

With one earthshaking slam, he sent a shockwave across the sea. LeBron and his mid-ions were cast back into the north, muttering something about waiting ‘til next Christmas Eve.

As peace returned, Muze stood atop a coral tower and realizing somehow he could breathe underwater and how weird human faces looked on seals.

Shaq turned to them.

"You’ve earned the blast, big guy. Use it well.”

And with that, the Seal God vanished into the depths—until next winter, when the fizz would rise again.