ephemeral (something that is fleeting or short-lived)

by siriuslynana

Summary:

james always knew he was a bit different, that he felt more than the average person. but did that make him unloveable?

 

or

 

james has been struggling with very complex emotions alone for so long, he almost forgot what it was like to live.

Notes:

HALLO !! this is my first fic that i’ve EVER posted so i apologise for grammar, spelling ect.

i also have no idea where this is going but i have very brief plans (keep in mind that mcd tag)

no idea how long in between updates but fck it we BALL

also i dont currently have anyone checking over my grammar and spelling and just overall if it makes sense

 

(sad james ml)

Chapter 1

and where are his glasses?

 

he can’t see without his glasses.

 

put his glasses on.

 

“…regulus…?”

“…”

“oh james.”

———————-

James always knew he was a bit different, that he felt more than the average person. But did that make him unloveable?

————————-

“Mum, it was an accident!” james pleaded to his mother 

“James, Jamie, it’s okay my baby, I know, shh, it’s okay. we’ll be okay.”

“I didn't mean it. I really didn’t.”

“It's okay baby just sleep, Sirius will be here soon to come see you.”

“I'm sorry, mum.”

“I know.”

————————

“james? Are you awake? Sirius is here.” James' mother said to him, standing calmly by the door to his childhood bedroom.

“…”

“hey prongs, how’s it going mate?” Sirius said gently from where he stood behind Effie, smiling warmly at him as though nothing had changed.

“hey pads.”

“you wanna go for a walk?”

“sure.”

The pair of friends walk out of James' room, heading down the stairs, past his parents room, and out the front door. Neither of them are saying anything yet but they both know where they are going.

“you haven’t been answering any of our calls.” sirius says, not a question, so james doesn’t answer. “Remus is worried, y'know? I used to tell him he worries too much but now I'm not so sure, I feel a bit like him lately." James still doesn’t answer so Sirius keeps talking. “remus wasn’t sure you wanted to see us but then effie called me and said i should come see you.”

James' head snapped up so fast.

“what?” he snapped

Sirius looked taken aback, “why are you yelling at me? jeez.” he casted him a sideways glance. “Effie said it would be good for you to get out a bit, since you haven’t really left since the… y'know.”

“yes sirius, i do know. and i think you and mum should butt out and let me get through this on my own. maybe i'm not ready to go out.”

silence.

“Will you ever be ready?”

“I don't think that’s up to me.”

They keep walking in silence, getting closer to the park they went to when they were children, or more so when Sirius ran away and was staying with them. it was their place. their park. Everyone knew when they went for a walk that’s where they were going. They had spent hours at this park together. laughing, talking, crying, drinking, smoking. it was the first place they had gotten high together.

“I'm sorry.” James said, feeling rather guilty now, “I know you’re just trying to help me.”

“i'm always here for you prongs.”

“I know.”

“Then why won’t you let us help you?”

“Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be helped.”

Sirius turned to look at him, “I feel like you do.”

“you’re my best friend, you’re biased.” James casted him a knowing look.

“Maybe, but when I saw Reggie the other week and told him about what happened he also felt bad.”

“regulus? jeez and he hates me.”

“So maybe you should give yourself a bit more credit and try to help yourself.”

“I don't know how.”

“You don’t have to do it alone.”

“padfoot?”

“yeah prongs?”

“I'm really sorry mate.”

“I know. but it’s not your fault.”

“Does Remus want to see me?”

“Remus would love to see you.”

“would you guys wanna… maybe grab coffee sometime soon?”

“We would love that prongs.”

——————————-

“James, it’s been 2 months, you need to get out of bed.”

“I have.”

“Love, you went out with Sirius and Remus once, that’s not enough.”

“Nothing I do ever enough for you! I'm trying mum!”

“I just want to see you get better, it’s hard for me as well.”

“I know mum! I know! I know you blame me! if i were you i would too.”

“jamie… i don't blame you.”

“yeah, well, that makes one of us.”

—————-

“james”

I want to die.

That's the first thought James had when he woke up. James wanted to die. though he wasn’t actively trying to kill himself he didn’t want to be alive.

Being alive could be exhausting. his mother was still pestering him about going out and seeing his friends, but he couldn’t bear to see the pitiful looks on their faces when they saw him.

“james”

they know it’s your fault 

the tiny voice in the back of his mind.

they wouldn’t even care if you died 

pestering him.

maybe you should just die

making him second guess everything.

maybe you should die

the thought bounced around his head, is today a good day to die? is any day as good as another to die? 

“james!”

“what!” he snapped, annoyed. He'd only just woken up and someone was already pestering him.

“We are going out today, would you like to choose where or shall i?” his best friend asked him, his frame looming over him. piercing blue eyes stared into his, Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Who will be there?” James asked, sighing. he knew when sirius had decided something was happening there was no way to stop it, might as well try.

“mmm.. you and me, obviously. Remus, Lily, Mary, Marlene, and Regulus also wanted to do something. What would you like to do? Do you want suggestions? oh! oh! we could go to an aquarium or maybe the zoo! or watch movies, i heard there’s this new one coming out-”

“sirius!” James snapped, which he’d been doing a lot as of late. Sirius was in one of those moods where he could talk for hours on end and not even realise no one was listening, though it was rare when no one was listening because Sirius somehow always seemed to be the center of attention. 

That was something James envied about him, though James was well liked and popular enough, Sirius seemed to make everyone like him with his devil may care attitude, people hung onto every word he said.

whereas James made his friends through things like carefully analysing body language, paying attention to all the things they like, making points to ask how they are and the stuff they had been talking about. James could read people, that was one of his things. He understood the way people’s brains worked and how he should respond. 

his mother always told him even if he wasn’t too academically smart he would always be able to get around with his people skills. he tried to tell himself his slightly below average marks didn’t matter, even though sirius could barely study and still ace all his tests and finals. he didn’t even have to try, but james was constantly behind on assignments and didn’t know what was going on. Remus was also smart, but unlike Sirius he had to work for it, and unlike James he actually got the material. Peter was similar to James in some ways, needing help in some subjects. but excelling in others, which James was only like in sport.

sport used to be one of the only things that could calm him down. He played volleyball, with his tall and athletic build he was always pretty good at it. Sirius played with him for a while before deciding it was too boring and moving into the next project he was working on. Remus sometimes enjoyed joining James on the court when his knee and joint pain wasn’t too bad, but those days were slimmer even when James was still playing. but now he hasn’t played in over 2 months.

James looked over at Sirius, who was already looking at him. 

“prongs..” Sirius started, “I'm really trying here but I need you to give me something.”

“Okay, I'm sorry.”

“how about something more chill? How about a movie and some baking? we can go to mary and lily’s place and make brownies and watch your choice of movie?”

“yeah, that sounds good sirius.”

“I'll give them a call and we can head to the shops to get ingredients before meeting Remus and Reggie there, pretty sure marls is already with them.”

“sounds good”

—————————-

“oh! oh! lily they’re here!" Mary called out as soon as the door to their apartment opened, as they already knew where the spare key was and could just let themselves in. “Marlene, go meet them at the door, make sure James is okay.” James heard hushed whispers coming from the kitchen.

“JAMESSS, SIRIUS, MY TWO VERY LOVELY FRIENDS!” marlene spoke dramatically as she came and draped herself all over sirius

“MARLS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE, MY ONE AND ONLY.”

“oi quit trying to steal my girlfriend!” sirius laughed as dorcas called out to them

“watch your girl dorcas! she’s trying to steal my man.” remus joked back

Marlene smiled brightly at them and ushered them into the flat, whispering, “Hope you don’t mind me bringing cas, sorry I didn't give any warning.” 

“no worries marls you know we all love her.” james said with a smile as he pat her shoulder and walked past her into the flat

he heard sirius and marlene whispering as he kept walking, were they talking about him? 

he pushed the thought out of his mind and stepped into the kitchen, plastering a bright smile on his face as he greeted his friends. 

“james! feels like it’s been ages, how have you been?” Lily asked, saying the last part a bit quieter.

He knows why she did this, because he’s meant to be sad. And he is, he really is, but he doesn’t know how to answer. Does she really want to know or is she just being kind? These are his friends, they are concerned about him, right? After grappling with telling her the truth or just lying, he decides to go with a dumbed down version of what he’s feeling and say “i’ve been good, lils, a bit down but i guess that’s normal.”

“yes of course it is, i’m just glad you’re getting out, i care about you” she smiled softly at him and gave him a hug. 

she cares 

she cares

she cares

yet sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

“how about you pick a movie and we’ll get out the ingredients.” Sirius said, plopping the bag of groceries they had gotten before they came.

“It's okay, dorcas how about you choose? you haven’t been here in one of our movie nights before, have you?”

“ah well we can’t do wrong with a bit of dead poets society can we?”

“it is one of our favourites, and it goes perfectly with comfort food.”

“What are we making first?”

“marls can you make the chocolate strawberry’s pleaseeee.” james heard sirius beg from the kitchen.

“anything for you.” you could only guess she winked, but it seemed likely.

Then they all heard a ding, James looked and saw a figure outside the window standing at the door.

“OI JAMES! get your ass over to the door and let reg in, he doesn’t have a key.”

James sighed and walked over to the door, swinging it open. When he opened it he saw Regulus tapping away on his phone, he then stopped typing and looked up at james.

“oh, hello james.” Regulus said politely before pushing past his shoulder and entering the flat.

i think that’s the nicest he’s ever been to me 

“damn prongs i think that’s the nicest he’s ever been to you.” sirius said from behind his shoulder, he didn’t even realise sirius was standing there until he talked.

“I know right, I was just thinking the same thing.”

“Maybe you guys could get along someday.”

“maybe, unlikely.”

“It'd be nice, y'know? my best mate and my brother getting along. you both mean the world to me.”

“i know sirius”

“I just think you could put in some more effort to get along with him?”

“okay”

“james?”

“yeah?”

“I love you, that’s all.”

“i love you too pads”

 

Chapter 2

Notes:

just know i wrote a section on this on the bus home from school after i skipped last period to go cry in our wellbeing rooms in the library.

 

also a bit of a shorter chapter cause i’m tired but feel like i should post this :)

“Mum, can you take me to see Peter please, he can’t pick me up.”

“Why don’t you drive there, sweetie.”

“I don't want to, can you drive me or should I cancel?”

“I'll drive you.”

“thank you mum.”

————————

“Talk to you later, pete.” James called to Peter as he walked towards the front door to his house, “thanks again for the lift!”

“o’course prongs, anything for you! text me.”

“will do.” James gave a small salute and turned back to his door, fumbling with the keys to open it.

He then opened the door and stepped in, turning and leaning his back against it and closing his eyes.

“What are you doing james?”

his eyes popped open as he let out a frightened yelp.

“Jesus mum, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

“What are you doing?” his mother eyed him suspiciously, looking at him like she knew something about him that even he didn’t.

“I was just out with pete? Why are you being weird.” 

“Maybe I feel like… nevermind, it doesn’t matter. How was pete?”

 

James raised a suspicious eyebrow but went on with it, he wasn’t in the mood to start anything.

 

“He was good. we grabbed some coffee and chatted for a while.”

 

Effie sighed and massaged the sides of her forehead, she looks tired and James knew this, yet he didn’t have the energy to help her feel better.

 

How could he? He was struggling as much as she was, if not more. Why does she get to be helped but James has to always help others? it can get tiring, acting like he’s okay all the time. even when he’s alone in his room, head in his hands and trying to stop the tears from coming. he knew this shouldn’t be what he felt like, and yet… and yet he found comfort in the consistency of being able to hit rock bottom. he knew what it was like and he was used to it, why try and get better when he knows he could stay the way he is?

 

He thinks about what he said to Sirius when he had a particularly bad winter break at the noble house of black.

 

“I don't know how to be okay, james. I'm tired of acting like I am when I come back here to all you guys, cause you make me feel better. but there’s this never leaving feeling in my chest like this is all there is to me. i feel like the person she has moulded me to be james, and i'm scared.”

 

“And you being scared means that there is still some of you left, wanting to be okay itself is knowing you have the chance to get better, and you should try.”

 

James tries to remember what he said, he meant it when he said it to Sirius but he isn’t so sure it applied to himself, maybe he doesn’t want to get better? getting better is a lot of work he isn’t sure he’s ready for.

 

He tries to forget what Sirius said after this, as it was an exact replica of what he was feeling. no is feeling constantly.

 

“What if I don't want to get better? what if i feel like i can't?”

 

“…”

 

“Then you go to the people you think can help you.”

 

 

James wasn’t sure how to respond after that, he thought about it for months afterwards. What could I have said to make him feel better? He remembers he ended up hugging Sirius while he cried into his shoulder.

 

In that moment not only did James feel upset for his friend, he felt seen. not seen in a way that someone looks at you and can see that you aren’t okay. but seen in the way that it feels like his skin and bones were torn open to reveal his heart, only showing itself to those who try most to get to it.

 

and james didn’t like it one bit.

 

How could he hide what he was feeling if he bared his heart to sirius? These ugly emotions were for him and him only.

 

maybe you don’t have to get better

 

the little voice told him again

 

i mean, if you just died you wouldn’t feel any of these feelings ever again

 

but what about his friends?

 

they wouldn’t care and you know it

 

“Shut up! Just shut up!” James yelled out, he needed the thoughts to stop before they got too bad to handle.

 

they wouldn’t care.

 

“yes they would! They care! Lily even said so.”

 

she’s a liar

 

they all are

 

“no they aren’t! These are my friends. they care about me.”

 

you remember what she said don’t you? Lily? not then, but before.

 

“Leave me alone. please.” James tried his best to breathe, to let the air into his lungs as he collapsed onto his bed. When did he get there? He didn't remember walking here, but it didn’t matter right now. The voice was getting louder and he was getting more tired.

 

“STOP.” he yelled out into the emptiness of his room, feeling his own misery creep into every crevice and stay there.

 

————————

 

Effie

 

The moment Effie thought she heard voices in her son's bedroom she was concerned. He had started talking to someone or something and thought she didn’t know. They hadn't had a proper conversation in weeks and Effie was getting tired. she had tried talking to fleamont but that was as much use as you could guess, he could only ever seem to listen.

 

so the moment James had begun to yell, she was outside his room, waiting, just in case.

 

“He'll be okay.”

 

The words bounced around her head as Effie remembered her and her husband talking about James a few years before.

 

“it’s been hard for him”

 

“he just tries so hard, he’s over doing himself”

 

“he just needs a bit more sleep, we’ll get something to help him with that”

 

It felt like they were trying to convince themselves the more and more they talked about him, they were getting worried even when James wasn’t showing too many signs of distress. but they knew their son, they’d raised him to be who he is after all. Was that a good thing? Was it their fault?

 

“STOP.”

 

She heard her son loud and clear, immediately pushing the door open and stepping inside. 

 

James was clutching his head between his knees and rocking on the floor. not crying yet but definitely hyperventilating. he was whispering to himself but effie couldn’t hear him, she took a cautious step closer.

 

“james..?”

 

When there was no reaction she took another step, and another until she was crouching down in front of james. only then did she hear what he was whispering to himself.

 

“stop stop stop leave me alone i’m sorry stop stop please please i’m okay leave me alone i’m sorry i’m sorry” he was on autopilot, not stopping but still a stuttering mess. It only made Effie tear up seeing her son like this.

 

“Jamie, can you hear me?”

 

“please no no stop please i’m sorry im sorry” james kept saying, but effie wasn’t sure she was talking to her now or whatever got him started in the first place.

 

She reached out her hand to try and comfort James and he immediately flinched back and whimpered.

 

“mum? mum i’m scared.” he whispered when he seemed to understand who was in front of him. 

 

Effie’s heart broke.

 

“shhh baby it’s okay it’s okay, i’ve got you, come here.” she said calmly and she reached out for her now crying son again. He didn’t flinch this time and instead collapsed towards her and curled his head onto her lap.

 

“i’m sorry mum i’m sorry”

 

“oh my baby, it’s okay”

 

and as James cried, Effie held him. a mother comforting her child, like it’s always been. like it always will be.

 

“i’m sorry”

 

“i know my love”

 

 

Chapter 3

Notes:

promise this is a super fluffy cute chapter.

also thought id mention the line

“Maybe, but have you seen sirius? He looks like the gods hung up all the stars in the sky just for him as a gift for blessing the earth with his beauty.”

was well and truly based off my girlfriend, just said by characters on a page.

 

anyways, chapters will be more spread apart as my motivation goes less but i’m excited so chapter 3 !!!

 

I miss the person I thought you were.

 

I miss me too.

 

 

 

 

———————

 

 

They were young, compared to now. James was in 3rd year when he realised Sirius was in love with remus. not in the way teenagers said they were in love when they don’t really know what true love is like, Sirius was in love.

 

Did James ever feel like that with lily?

 

no, he didn’t think so. but he knew Sirius did. james knew that sirius didn’t think he liked remus. he denied and denied and denied and hooked up with countless people a few years later when he still didn’t know how soul crushingly in love he was

 

Remus knew before Sirius, but he never would have been the one to admit it. Unlike Sirius who went out and slept with people to make himself feel better, Remus was wounded. He thought Sirius would never love him.

 

“Moony, I don't think you realise how fit you are.” james remembers telling him

 

“Maybe, but have you seen sirius? He looks like the gods hung up all the stars in the sky just for him as a gift for blessing the earth with his beauty.”

 

How do you beat that?

 

Both Remus and Sirius had their self doubt, which led them to believing the other could never love them. which meant James never got to hear the end from both sides.

 

He realised early on this was the kind of love people search their whole life for. and yet back then he was still stuck up on a girl who was better off as a friend.

 

Only later in his life will he realise how grateful he should have been for having friends who have so much love to give, even if he didn’t know how to accept it.

 

“He loves you.”

 

“i love him”

 

 

 

—————-

 

 

The sound of laughter fills the living room downstairs and James does not want to get up.

 

he wasn’t feeling the worst he could but he’s never experienced the best, so maybe he still wasn’t great. avoiding the thoughts that have started seeping inside his head he got up and threw a hoodie and some trackies on and started walking down the stairs to his living room.

 

When he reached downstairs he heard more voices than before, chatting away happily. He turned a corner and saw all his friends sitting around the fireplace with hot chocolates and cookies, which look homemade and delicious so it’s likely Regulus is around somewhere, considering he’s the best cook and baker of them all.

 

Remus turned when he heard the sound of James footsteps, light as they were, Remus always had an impeccable sense of hearing.

 

“hey prongs, hope you don’t mind us crashing, but we all missed you and were hoping we could have a game night?” Remus smiled gently in that way James knew he wouldn’t press if he said he didn’t want to do anything and would immediately kick everyone out for him. 

 

he wasn’t feeling the worst. He assessed the situation and decided it could be positive. Besides, everyone had now noticed his appearance and turned to smile at him before going back to what they were doing.

 

it seemed very chill and calm, maybe their goal was to calm james down. Lily had her head in Mary's lap and she ran her fingers through her hair, looking close to sleep. Marlene, Dorcas and Sirius seemed to be in some heated debate, though they kept their voices low and friendly. and like he guessed, regulus was here. sat next to him was evan rosier who james knew he’d been friends with since first year. Barty crouch jr was also normally close by but he couldn’t be seen. Evan did seem to be the calmer of the 2 so maybe that was a good thing.

 

after staring at the scene in his living room he forgot he hadn’t responded, 

 

“oh yeah that’s fine, where’s the hot chocolate?”

 

“on the counter! Regulus brought fresh cookies as well.” sirius called out from where he sat perched on the arm of a sofa

 

Everyone seemed spread out and comfortable. The potter's living room was a very homey and welcoming place, always smelling like cinnamon and freshly baked goods, mostly from effie and when she teaches regulus new recipes. The space was large with a fireplace in the center and a long couch in the middle with a few single sofa chairs and bean bags laying around. Everyone seemed to pick a spot they favoured and there were plenty of spots for James to sit in.

 

Before choosing a place to sit he walked over to the kitchen island, slipping past where effie and regulus were talking about something that sounded like recipes, and to where they kept the variety of mugs and cups. picking out his favourite (a large white mug that’s good for cupping your hands around with a sun design on it) he started making his hot chocolate.

 

“That's way too many marshmallows.”

 

he looked up from pouring in his mini marshmallows to regulus giving a disapproving look towards his cup.

 

“arguably it’s the best amount, there’s enough there that some will melt and there will still be enough to pick out from the cocoa.” James raised an eyebrow as he took a sip from his perfectly proportionate hot chocolate.

 

 “All you can taste is sugar.”

 

“maybe i just like it sweet”

 

Regulus just rolled his eyes and continued talking with Effie, who’d just come back from quickly getting something from her recipe book, the 2 bakers always seemed to get on well and have endless conversation topics. 

 

Was that regulus being nice?

 

“hey! james! we need a second opinion over here!” Marlene called out to him, distracting him from his thoughts.

 

he made his way over to see sirius stuttering and looking offended,

 

“Excuse you! i would be a fucking GREAT father.” this only caused a cough and some choking noises from Remus, who was sitting near them but not fully listening to the conversation.

 

Sirius looked at James and threw his hands up, presumably wanting James to agree with him. James wasn’t sure Sirius and Remus were ready for a kid, but if they wanted it?

 

“I mean if you want? you’re still young but you can adopt some nice kids?”

 

This just caused a blossom of laughter from everyone who was engaged in the conversation. Regulus seemed to overhear what James said and looked over with scrunched brows and a look of confusion but moved on.

 

after sirius had seemed to calm down from his spout of laughter, he looked at james with a smile and said,

 

“no, a dog father. i really want a dog but marls and cas don't think i would be a good dog dad.” he then shot a massive side eye to marlene who was still giggling and dorcas who was smiling as if she was holding back a laugh

 

“oh,” what were you thinking, you idiot’ “well in that case i think you would be a good dog dad. but Remus would probably end up doing all the work, don’t you think?”

 

“HAH. that’s what I said and he went into a fit about how he can be independent and ‘doesn’t have to rely on Remus all the time.’”

 

Sirius huffed out a breath and crossed his arms over his chest, looking like a pouting child. overhearing the talk about him, Remus had got up from where he was sitting to move a bit closer to Sirius. he wouldn’t admit it right now, but Sirius really couldn’t be far from Remus too long without going crazy.

 

“what will Remus end up doing all the work for?” he asked as he dropped his head onto Sirius' shoulder, who somehow got onto the floor.

 

“a dog. Sirius wants a dog.” dorcas pipped in, seeming to enjoy the prospect of where this conversation could lead.

 

“Siri, my love, what kind of dog would you like?” Remus smirked up at him, looking into his eyes and tilting his head to stare intently.

 

one would think sirius would be right back on to talking about the dog, now that he had pretty much gotten the all clear from remus. but Sirius was so red in the face he looked like a tomato.

 

“i-i uhm- i was gonna uhm- ask what you uh wanted.” props on him for trying, but the way he stuttered and hid his face behind his hands was a dead give away. Plus, Remus always knew how to fluster him.

 

marlene had rolled over and took dorcas off the couch with her, laughing as they both flailed and cackled. 

 

“shut up! you- you mundane idiot!” sirius said to marlene as he battered a hand out to whack her on the head 

 

“mundane idiot? oh that’s a new one love." Remus said in a low tone, clearly egging Sirius on to get a reaction out of him. Sirius just huffed and crossed his arms once again.

 

“I want a big black dog. German shepherd kind of type.”

 

Remus hummed and seemed to think about this, James already knew he would agree with whatever Sirius wanted, but if Sirius knew that he would go wild with the power.

 

“okay. We can get a dog.” Remus said smoothly and Sirius immediately started celebrating, standing up and jumping up and down, making faces at Marlene and Dorcas (James was pretty sure he heard Sirius say something along the lines of “hah you losers! i told you remus loved me enough to get me a dog”)

 

 

 

 

 

James spent the rest of the afternoon laughing and hanging out with his friends, and by the end his chest felt a bit lighter.

 

Chapter 4

Notes:

eh hem,

i’m sorry.

v angsty chapter so this is your warning ‼️

i feel like i cant say a lot of this is based on personal experiences, but it is. i’m doing a lot better since then though !

also katherine is the name of my year 5 councillor 😭 idk why i did this

 

also just quickly, some of the formatting got messed up so im sorry

 

tw: implied suicide, suicidal thoughts, implied self harm.

do you want to kill yourself, james?

 

 

 

————————

 

 

 

James sees a therapist.

 

He doesn't like talking about how he’s feeling and yet he has been seeing Katherine for a little over 2 years.

 

Katherine knows what to say to get a response, but it doesn’t always work. Sometimes, she will say something that James would normally be fine with talking about and he would just snap at her. He doesn’t mean to. 

 

Katherine seems used to it.

 

Katherine asks him a lot of questions.

 

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

 

dead. he thinks

 

“What are some things you enjoy?”

 

“What are a few things you like about yourself, james?”

 

“Do you ever think about dying?”

 

yes he thinks to that one yes yes yes yesyesyes everyday. Everyday I want to die.

 

but still he stays silent. James has not answered any of the questions he knows will change the way people see him.

 

Why should he? 

 

He doesn't know why he still sees katherine. 

 

Today, though, Katherine is not giving him very easy ways out.

 

“James.”

 

“I don't want to answer that.”

 

“You know you have to.”

 

“And what will happen if I don't answer?”

 

“We will send you to a hospital to be checked. If you are deemed unfit you will stay there until the staff think you can be released.”

 

“I don't want to do either of those things.” 

 

“james this is the last time i will ask you, are you going to kill yourself?”

 

James ducked his head down, how was he supposed to respond to that?

 

“i don’t know why i keep coming here, i mean it’s not like-“

 

“James.” Katherine cut him off. “are. you. going. to. kill yourself.”

 

Katherine is nice most of the time, but right now she has this mean stare. James calls it her ‘no bullshit stare’ and he debates lying or telling the truth.

 

“I am not currently planning on harming myself in the very near future.” James' face lay blank and emotionless. What did she want him to say? that he thought of death so much it feels like a memory or a future he wishes would come quicker? 

 

James has thought about his funeral more than a possible wedding or future, they just felt out of reach for him.

 

Katherine leaned back in her chair, not looking particularly pleased with his answer but nonetheless she moved on. 

 

“why?” she asks gently, too gently. It feels like a trap. james is trapped.

 

James looks at her intensely, what is she trying to get out of him? What will she gain from his answer other than more issues to work through?

 

for once james decides to actually speak what he is thinking when he asks,

 

“why? what do you mean why?”

 

Katherine leaned forward and looked him in the eyes. james feared her next words

 

“James, do you like your life?” when he hesitated she went on, “no i suppose you don’t, but if you don’t like your life and don’t see yourself having a future or things to look forward to and you feel like you don’t have a reason to live, why, james? why have you not hurt yourself?”

 

James just stared at her, unmoving, unblinking.

 

“This isn’t a trick question james. We have been seeing each other for a little over 2 years and all your condition has done is worsen since the incident. and yet, you are still here. you are still breathing even though you don’t seem like you want to be.”

 

“I think you are over analyzing me.” James mumbled as he stared at the floor.

 

“I will not let you change the subject anymore. In these 2 years all you have done is worsen. and I want to know why. Why are you still here if you refuse to try, james?”

 

“I don't know.” he mumbled. By the way she looked, James didn’t think Katherine was done with her over analyzing. 

 

“Are you scared? Is that it? or are you guilty? I want you to get better james but I can't help you if you give me nothing to work with. If you don’t start answering my questions and TRYING to get better, then i don’t think we will be able to keep seeing each other.”

 

James stared at her in blantent shock, not even trying to hide the way his jaw dropped. 

 

of course she would leave you. 

 

they always do

 

it’s all your fault

 

she doesn’t want you to get better, you are just her pet project 

 

“i think you should fuck off, katherine. going on about how i should either kill myself or get better? maybe i fucking will kill myself because obviously i’m not allowed to fucking WAIT to get better. Why should I get better when so many other people can’t, katherine? What did I do to deserve it?”

 

James rose angrily from his seat, feeling the pure hot anger course through his veins. He stood there staring at the unflinching woman still sitting across from him. her face did not look sympathetic or pitying. He saw what looked like anger? no that couldn’t have been right.

 

“I will no longer be seeing you as a patient James, if you would like we can set you up with someone else but I refuse to continue this if you refuse to try and help yourself and get better. That is your choice, james. and i will not shame you for it, I have done everything I can to help. but I will not stand by and watch as it takes over your life until you can’t come back when you’ve decided you are ready.”

 

James stood there. What was he supposed to do now? oh god he ruined everything . How was he supposed to tell his mum his therapist refuses to help him? He thought that was the whole point of her job, after all.

 

no

 

“ no wait please , no i’m sorry. I'm sorry. ”

 

James felt like he was begging, and he was, but he didn’t seem ready to admit that.

 

Katherine just looked at him with this tired expression.

 

“It's too late, james.”

 

“no, no, please, I'll get better. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen! i just- just- i.. no."James cut himself off as he slowly slid down to the floor, using the chair behind him to steady himself.

 

“I have already talked to your mother, james. she will be here in a moment to discuss a plan for the future, if you are willing to have one.” 

 

“ what ?”

 

Why do people keep bringing her into this?

 

“Why would you do that? it’s not even her business!” James' sorrow was very quickly replaced with anger. she didn’t have the right to do this, did she? He was an adult.

 

James' head turned quickly when he heard a knock at the door and Katherine just sighed before standing up to go get it.

 

When Effie walked through the door after giving a polite nod towards Katherine she saw James still sat on the floor in a small ball.

 

“You can’t keep living like this.”

 

That was the first and last thing James heard his mother say before he lashed out in anger. screaming and yelling at the both of them until he was too tired to even stand.

 

James didn’t remember a single word he said to either of them, but he knew he meant every single hurtful thing he said. 

 

 

 

—————————

 

 

 

 

James woke up feeling a deal ache in his bones.

 

 

What was wrong with him?

 

 

 

 

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