Chapter Text
When do you know you've hit rock bottom, well it's hard to tell and honestly I'm one of those people who keeps digging and eventually I'll make it to China but this is a different type of rock bottom and one I'm not sure how to get out, of that's why I'm stood here my ship torn to bits just about able to fly, outside the Sanchez house all I can really do is sigh about my predicament before walking over to the open garage.
It's guaranteed Rick already knows I'm here despite him looking oblivious to the world. I walk up to the edge of the garage careful not to step into it and set off some kind of evil. Rick Sanchez the smartest man in the universe, this Rick in particular was apparently one of the best or worse depending on how you look at it. He's currently slumped over his desk welding some metal together.
I knew I wouldn't be very welcomed but some eye contact would be nice, I sigh in defeat before taking off the black backpack and throwing it onto the floor of the garage that got the man's attention as he stood, he made some eye contact before getting the bag and opening it.
I've done many jobs around the universe but my most popular business venture is selling drugs I've spent my lifetime collecting all sorts of things plus a few years in university studying chemistry and you get some of the best drugs in the universe that people pay a lot of money for the only problem really is all the people who want to kill you for it, it's probably another reason why I've come to this decision but that's a thought for another day.
Rick finally opens the backpack after what felt like forever, he pulled out the two pounds of Kalaxian crystals one of my favourites if I'm honest, a baggy filled with isotope 322, three pipes filled with different strains of Senthol diempathate and just under a pound of fractal dust. There's some Molly and other drugs in there as well but those are some of the rarest and took me forever to find so hopefully he’ll appreciate the effort.
"So w-what do y-burp-ou want?" Well he finally spoke so that's a good sign, I have a quick pull from my weed-filled vape, I miss my space pipe but what's the point in having a therapist for 3 years if I'm not going to listen?
"I have a business proposition for you." He didn't say anything back just drinks from his flask so I carry on, trying not to ramble too much, "you've probably heard of me before, Ashley, A-103 to be specific and I'm not good at a lot except for making and selling drugs so I can get you more of that stuff or whatever your preference, in exchange I need a place to work on my ship where no one can find me and I'll be gone in a couple of months." This is why I need to go back to therapy did I really need to say all of that?
I start smoking my vape again while I wait for a reply, it's hard to tell if he hates me or is just quiet, he's still drinking and eventually puts the flask down, "y-you want 'burp' t-to fix a ship o-on fire 'burp.'" I turned around immediately and just sighed, the bullet-riddled ship was engulfed with black smoke and the occasional flicker of orange and blue flames.
"It-it's fine, 'burp' you ge-get more of this th-this shit, b-but we're n-not a team 'burp' I don't wo-work with what are you 27?" He points to everything now laid out on the table before looking at me.
"I'm 73, injected myself with an age stabiliser when I was 27." I roll my eyes not wanting to explain myself but feeling a need to.
"W-whatever, we-we'll call 'burp' it even," I nodded in response glad everything actually worked out.
I'd finally got my burning ship under control and honestly if this isn't a metaphor for my life I don't know what is. The overall structure of the ship is good it just currently has no engine and no longer looks like a flying saucer but the fire only singed the stairs at the back of the ship. I decided after getting very high and watching Doctor Who for the first time that a Tardis vibe would be a good idea. I walk downstairs to the sitting room okay the stairs are a little singed. The tv still playing a random show about tomato people and enough empty alcohol bottles to make me question my drinking but it's probably fine. The two doors to the left of me each have a bedroom, the fire didn't touch them so I can still sleep here.
The bathroom was fine of course but the lab/weapons room was shaken up, glass beakers had smashed so I had to go in with a mask and clean up some very expensive poisons but at least it's as clean now and I've finally put together a list of things I need for the engine.
Rick's family had noticed my ship and spoke to Rick before saying hi to me the kids seem nice and I immediately give Beth and Jerry a thousand dollars for letting me stay and promised more for every week, I know this isn't really Rick's house so if I can get along with Beth and Jerry it should be relatively nice staying here.
After swapping my Earth vape for my space one filled with a diluted version of Senthol diempathate, I go back up the stairs to start stripping whatever's left of my engine which honestly isn't a lot as my main energy source was a shrunken sun, fuck knows where I'm going to find another one, I'm broken out of my thoughts when Rick and Morty enter the garage and start talking about mega-seeds. I walk over to the pair and am about the offer the spare ones I've collected but Rick opens a portal pushes Morty through and pulls me after him.
We arrive in dimension 35-c and I wish I'd done some more drugs or at least some acid, the planet is covered in colour and of course, different aliens but the colours are honestly more interesting Rick and Morty are already walking ahead in their private conversation so I just trail behind smoking my space vape wishing I'd put something stronger in it, being off earth with no gun was starting to freak me out a bit but more drugs less anxiety, my therapist would be disappointed.
Rick and Morty stop by the edge of a cliff and start to put on some shoes, the problem, there only seems to be two pairs so I guess they expect me to jump or some stupid shit. I roll my eyes before reaching the pair just as Morty walks over the cliff, gravity immediately takes effect and he's at the bottom of the cliff groaning in pain and legs bent at weird angles. I couldn't help the giggle that slipped out but to be clear I'm laughing at the situation, not the hurt kid.
Rick though with all the sympathy turns on his boots and mumbles something about a fucking idiot before making his way down the cliff, I sigh before taking a watch out of my pocket and typing in some coordinates, I activated it by turning the watch face and a pink swirling portal opens, I step through it and arrive at the bottom of the cliff just as Rick walks through his own portal to help Morty probably.
I smoke my vape while waiting for Rick to come back mostly thinking about how I need to fix my portal gun, it was hacked a few months ago and set to the blender dimension so I can only use my portal fluid once before it resets, really shitty assassination plot if you ask me but worth trying I guess. Rick finally arrives back and injects Morty with a serum that snaps his legs and other broken bones into place. Rick starts going into this rant about the place he'd just been to how they'd completely stopped ageing and all looked the same, so your typical alien movie.
It wasn't until Morty had gotten two of the mega-seeds that Rick mentions his portal gun is out of fluid and we need to go through intergalactic customs run by the federation, which is wonderful news for me as I'm on their most wanted list but I suppose trying to get through with mega-seeds is slightly worse.
"And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for Grandpa, Morty. y-burp-you've got to put these seeds inside your butt."
"In my butt?" I listen to Rick and Mortys and decide we are fucked, I wished I'd saved my portal fluid for this moment and could go home.
After Rick had managed to convince Morty we made our way to intergalactic customs. It's a good thing I've chosen to wear a large jumper since going into hiding, I'm walking through with my hood up, not making eye contact with anyone and smoking my vape, trying to avoid a panic attack.
Me and Rick wait in the queue while Morty's in the bathroom. It was honestly getting a bit awkward the silence between us but my brain is panicking about too many things to add something so petty to the list. Just as an announcement starts speaking Morty joins us again looking very uncomfortable. "I don't like it here 'burp' Morty. I ca-can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. 'burp' I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?"
"Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt."
"That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-'burp'-all kind of things with them. It's gonna be great, Morty. A-'burp'-all kinds of science."
They're broken out of the weird conversation by a customs worker calling Rick forward and then trying to get Morty to go into another machine for a scan, I can see where this is going and start to take a few steps back.
"What new 'burp' what new machine?" Rick questions the customs officer
"It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt."
The guard replies to Rick and not a second later he grabs Morty yelling to run. We run as fast as we can knocking people and things over on our way. While on our run Morty breathes in from a hookah that gets smashed in the process, shame that looked like nice stuff. That leads to Morty coughing up an alien, said alien runs with us for a few seconds before going through a lifespan in about three seconds and then dropping dead, honestly disturbing stuff.
Rick and Morty then run to the left up what's clearly a dead end and honestly, I stand more of a chance of getting away on my own, along the way I knock over a guard and steal his gun so at least now I have a fair chance. I keep running the portal computer my destination. Rick and Morty jump down and join me crushing the officer catching up behind me and we make it to the computer.
"I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Morty. Cover me" Rick tosses a gun to Morty who's on the other side of the doorway.
"Oh, man. I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody." I stop shooting for a moment to look at the kid and question why he is here, maybe he just hasn't seen enough of the universe to understand things yet, I sigh and go back to shooting the aliens.
"They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots!" Rick always the voice of reason. Morty does eventually shoot, not very well but he'll learn. Unfortunately he shot an officer's leg clean off, blood gushed everywhere and he screams in pain.
"Glenn's bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children." One of the other officers grabs Glen and tries to help the whole time Glen’s screaming his head off. Is it better to put him out of his misery or let him die naturally, I'm too stressed for philosophy so I shoot both the officers.
Morty looks horrified before turning to Rick, "they're not robots, Rick!"
"It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Morty. You have no idea what prison is like here!" That's a good point prison here involves a lot of batteries and jumper cables so not an ideal place to be.
We both keep shooting at anything moving, Morty even gets a few bystanders before Rick gets the portal working and pulls Morty through and I quickly follow behind them.
We arrive at a high school on top of a table, I jump down and watch the portal disappear a bit more at ease nothing can follow us, Mortys talking to some redhead before Rick pulls him off the table and tries to leave the canteen but instead bumping into Beth and Jerry, I take that as my queue to leave and make my way back to the smith's house.
A few hours later everyone's home and not in the best of moods so I choose to stay in my ship watching random inter-dimensional cable there's a new show I've found person or pastry and honestly you'll be amazed by people's cooking.
I'm not sure what the time was I tend not to keep clocks around because then I can deny my insomnia. I hear Rick shouting It sounds like my name but he sounds wasted so it's hard to tell, it's not until I hear stumbling and banging, he's in my living room.
"Yo-you've you've 'burp' go-t got t-to 'burp' co-come wi-with m-e-me." I just about understood that so I stand up and go with him, more to stop his drunk babbling, it's only fun when I'm drunk as well. We both walk over to his ship before getting in Morty is in the front seat half asleep so I climb around the seat and sit in the back.
"He dragging you into this shit as well kid," I get a mumble in response before the kid sits up and rubs his eyes. By some miracle, Rick got the ship into the air and we’re soon flying over the city.
"Morty. I had to, I had to do it. I had-I had to-I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb." Rick goes on to drunkenly ramble.
"Really, Rick" I just sigh and start smoking my vape because what else can you do?
"What?! A bomb?!" Morty doesn't sound too impressed though.
"We're gonna-gonna dr-drop it down there j-j-just get a whole fresh start, Morty. Create a whole fresh start." Rick tries to sound reasonable by the effect is lost if I'm honest. Morty doesn't respond and looks really distressed "Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica."
"Jessica? From my math class?"
"When I-I drop the bomb you know, I want y-you to have somebody, y-you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam."
"Ohh..."
"And Jessica's gonna be Eve." Rick pulls morty into a hug at this point and I was just wishing they'd left me on earth and blow me up like everyone else.
"Whhhh-wha? No, you can't! Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But—but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!"
"I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... You don't got... Y-you don't gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty."
"What are you talking about, Rick?"
"You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. Sh-sh-she- she, she, she's all for you, Morty."
"I don't care about Jessica! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou-"
"You know what, Morty? You're right Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways." Rick picks up another bottle before pressing a button.
"Arming neutrino bomb" an automated voice speaks out.
"That's it... that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel." Morty surprisingly undoes his seatbelt and jumps onto Rick kicking him in the face while trying to control the wheel. I just sit back smoking my vape which I'd replaced with a type of space acid you can inhale and I'm now at the right level of high to completely ignore the situation.
"Get off of me, Morty!" Almost ignore the situation.
"I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! I'm put—I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin'... I-I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!" Harsh comment but probably true at least Rick was starting to see reason and stops fight back so much.
"Come on! What's gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don't you marry it?" Rick gives one final push and Morty's back in the passenger seat, "alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I'll land the thing."
"We'll park it right here, Morty. Right here on the side of the ree... road here." Rick speaks as soon as we touch down he opens the door and a mound of bottles falls out around Rick who's just lying on the floor looking at the sky.
"Oh, thank god." Morty's straight out of the ship and I think I see a few tears in his eyes poor kid, definitely going to need years of therapy.
"You know what? That was all a test, Morty. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive" I could almost laugh at the way Morty takes it seriously. "Sure. Why not? I don't, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo..." how someone has the ability to just fall asleep is so weird I don't think I could ever do that.
"Neutrino bomb armed." The automated voice from the ship declares loudly and I look over to see Morty in full panic
"Um..."
"Don't worry kid, I'll teach you how to disarm it, it'll be a future skill you'll probably find handy," I say eyeing Rick knowing this isn't going to be the last time he tries to destroy Earth.