Lupercialis

by StQuincitanus

Summary:

"The name Lupercalia was believed in antiquity to evince some connection with the Ancient Greek festival of the Arcadian Lykaia, a wolf festival, and the worship of Lycaean fertility god Pan, assumed to be a Greek equivalent of Faunus in which many of the noble youths run up and down through the city naked and many women also present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy."

Notes:

Holy hell I wrote a story and it's several chapters *and* it's not smut??
whaaa? (well actually it is. we'll see.
whole thing is finished, will post chapters every day barring insanity.)

Chapter 1: Couch-Surfing is useless

Jigen sat on the couch in his hideout flipping through channels.
though "sat" is perhaps not quite the operative word

//"..-oin now for the NEXT FiVE--"//ZZZT//"..Fenominal new drug will help keep you.."//ZZZT//"..adam Fiona said.."//ZZZT//"..HEY THOUGH GUY Y-.."//ZZZT..:Click:..

Bored out of his skull and almost out of sigarettes Jigen grumpled as he laid on the couch counting days. It had been 4 months without seeing Lupin, Goemon or even Fujiko.
He had a run-in with Zenigata, down in Santa Paulo a few weeks ago as he was busting a drug-ring Jigen was currently casing for a possible quick infiltration job on, took him 5 hours and 7 drinks before he believed him that he was alone and hadn't seen hide or hair of Lupin for ages.
Zenigata didn't say in so many words, but he was clearly.. bothered. Something Zenigata might have intel on that Jigen didn't.. it didn't bother him, Lupin was the think-man after all.

But usually he didn't leave Jigen to stew for this long when he was clearly somewhere planning something.

 

Jigen exhaled, deciding he would go out and get some sigarettes. Maybe eat out as well.

Lupin Would Call.

Chapter 2: Jigen Takes Public Transport

Notes:

Jigen plays hard-boiled noir-film detective (something he'd never admit too, but he's definitely play-pretending the "noir film detective monologue" in his head.)

~~~~~~~~
Lupin, did infact, NOT call.

Nothing unusual there, but it was starting to grate on Jigen, because he had another run-in with Zenigata in this very town.
And Zenigata was... unusually wiggy this time, like he almost wanted to say something, like he was trying to communicate something without doing it after all. It made Jigen's hair stand on edge, the whole affair, maybe it was time to actually try looking for Lupin (or was that Zenigata's plan? get him to lose his nerve and follow him to find their hide-outs?)
No matter, The only person more stealthy than Jigen was a certain Samurai.

Jigen opted to be flippant about it. He took the Bus.

Busses where great for people watching. Great for blending into crowds too, all kinds of people went on the bus, and, very seldom, did cops. Sure you got Securitas aka ticket-controll, but it's usually easy to spot them. Anyway Jigen had a buspass. No ticket-control, but there was a lady with a huge stroller and two older kids + a guy with no less than 3 giant (but friendly) dogs.
Jigen was accosted by the smallest of these which seemed very happy to be near him, whining and licking his hand. He woulda been irritated, but the kids where looking at him with matching giant eyes, so no need to try being scary, anyway petting a dog on the bus wasn't the worst he could do with his time while he waited for his stop as he read the advertisements hanging on the walls, for the umpteenth time.

"Mirakle Gel for the new smooth you!"
"hana perfume" sporting an absolutely godawful "geisha" for that "asian touch", (Goemon would be incensed)
"do you have.. ErECTiOn problems?!?!?!" with what looked like a blushing letter "E". It was so dumb it was almost funny.

Well anyway here is his stop after all, Jigen detangles himself from the overly enthusiastic dog, getting an apologetic face from both the owner and the strollermom who was getting of on the same stop, Jigen helped her with her gigantic thing, there were two babies inside. twins, apparently.

Jigen walks in the opposite direction of the hideout, just to make sure a certain inspector hasn't followed him. After all, Zenigata does have it in him to be succinct, with cleverness to rival Lupin's own, on occasion.

Walking the entire block around, he finally manages to slip between two buildings to go the detour and come up to where the hidden but not actually hidden staircase is.
Jigen enters the hide-out.

Which is.. very empty. Not a peep nor hide nor hair of anyone. Even the cockroaches seem bored.

A total dead end.

Well, there are 2-3 more hide-outs in this city's surrounds that he can hit up. Maybe he can take the newfangled monorail to the next city over.

But Jigen has misgivings the moment he steps out of the hide-out's back (actually front) door.
He is definitely being watched, he can tell.

Kicking a can down the alleyway, he turns on his heal with his gun in his hand...
But there is nothing there. Not even a cat..

What is this? Usually whoever assassin or oldhat co-worker woulda jumped out of the shadows with a cry of "Jigen Daisuke!" and a gun or two to plaff him down.

Maybe he's going paranoid. But Jigen decides to forgo the monorail today and instead look at the the other hideouts here.

Actually he kinda freezes on his way uptown because isn't that friggen Zenigata in the window of a french-patisserie?
wtf? since when.. Jigen thinks. Thinks hard. is...is that actually Lupin in disguise??? It could be. He's got some plan maybe, he can't break cover for some reason?
but.....
no.

No. go with your instincts, even Zenigata isn't that bad a guy and the whole thing stinks like rotten eggs Jigen thinks. Even if he's leading Zenigata right to where he wants to go he needs piece of mind.
so Jigen goes to the downtown hide-out, the one that's got lots of Lupin's gadgets and junk.

Actually wasn't it there he last heard of him?

Jigen simply walks on his way there, calm his mind and catch any stalkers.
real easy like

The hide-out looks like any old penthouse suite. luxurious but kinda tacky. On his way there Jigen passes an old 2 story apartment housing he knows Lupin also has a hide-out in, so on a whim he goes in.

Jigen is astonished because inside here there is chaos. Nothing but sure madness, there is junk and broken stuff everywhere.
But the weirdest thing is that there are police tapes around as well. Like someone came in and checked the place for clues After the fact. and anyway if Lupin had been arrested Zenigata would have known and not stalked him and all but almost ask him if he knew where Lupin..

Suddenly the realisation hits him like a truck. He sags down to his knees in the mess as he realises what's actually going on, Somehow Lupin's been.. abducted, kidnapped, Zenigata's probably trying to find out where the fuck he is, but is under STRICT orders by his bosses to not let anyone know that the legendary thief Lupin the third is MISSING, especially to his coworkers.

But Zenigata, being Zenigata, knows that if someone has managed to abduct Lupin and KEEP him it's SERIOUS and finding him is of the uppermost priority, and that any help he can get is better than not.
So tease and hint and corral his closest partner to see this mess and make up his own mind about where Lupin is so he can FIND HIM

Clever mo-, eh gorilla. Clever tottsan.

So Jigen gets to work, shifts through the madness. Ignores obvious messes. Lupin is clever, more clever than anyone he knows, he would leave Jigen a hint.

Chapter 3: Airports are Hell

Notes:

This chapter brought to you by: last year I traveled airplanes 3 times, I spent time in 6 different airports.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lupin did, in-fact leave a hint. At-least Jigen hopes it is.

 

Cause if that's not what this is he's going to look a fool.

 

A singular brochure to a specific Swizz resort. Amids all the chaos, to anyone else it would just look like one more piece of junk, but Jigen, Jigen knows this place, Lupin HATES that place.
It was a place is granddad knew.

He'd never go there.
So Jigen knows specifically, that it's Switzerland at-least. It's a start.

 

After quickly stopping by his own hideout to get a few things, he's vaguely aware of being shadowed as he speeds towards the nearest airport, but he doesn't fret, he knows this shadow, it's a comfortable shadow. It's a shadow he can trust to watch out for other shadows, deadlier than he.

 

Airports are a familiar scene for Jigen, even if he misses being able to smoke here and on the planes.
He doesn't know, but he coulda sworn that the air in general at both the airports and the planes themselves are worse now than the seventies.

Jigen, he has some kinda disposable income so he can just, buy some ticket. The ticket lady is kinda irritating him, but he knows she's just doing her job, fussing about him not having a return ticket, about him not having much of any baggage for an intercontinental flight, him having a gun (which he has a total legit and not forged permit for, thank you) and lastly for his hat of all things.

"Well what's wrong with my hat now ma'm?" he asks exasperated.
"You need to take it of for security, sir" she retorts, possibly weary, possibly aware of who he is, possibly not caring either way because it's thursday, not yet friday and she's stuck in a cubicle with the same 5 posters around advertising "Dubai chocolate", "swizzperfection", "new wonder drug this", "old yoga practice that", "welcome to Helvetica jada jada, remember to exchange currency"..
"ma'm.." Jigen starts, then takes his hat off and stays still for the camera while he sheepishly says "how long?"
"Not long dear" she says, tho she's probably younger than him, she just feels old right now.

 

And then he's past, no more hindrances, his gun-box, his small hand luggage, his passport, ticket and hat are on it's way to Switzerland.

And if his shadow has to take another, cheaper, later flight, then all the better.

 

The thing about airport security, is that it makes it difficult for mobsters to follow him, it (ironically) makes it difficult for civilian cops to stalk him, so Jigen can relax for the time being. And he relaxes by getting Very drunk. Getting Very Drunk is the only way to deal with stupid cross-Atlantic flights anyway, thinks Jigen.

But he can't get Too Drunk, because he's alone, and not with his Partner. God he misses Lupin. He hates it, because he is at once, once again, reminded how dependant, co- and otherwise he's become of him, how much his life quality will sink like a brick in the Atlantic ocean if something Actually Stupid has befallen the man.

So Jigen just orders a martini, a vodka and an Irish coffee for his trip.

Will he have a hangover by the time he sets foot in Helvetica? Sure, but maybe that's appropriate.

There's complimentary grilled chicken sandwiches and honestly they're pretty delicious for airplane food.

Notes:

"a martini, a vodka and an Irish coffee"

the joke is that to Jigen, 3 very alcohol drinks is "not that drunk"

Chapter 4: One bonkers coinkydink after another

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Despite himself Jigen fell asleep on the plane, only being jostled awake because plane has a mid-landing in Madrid. It's one of those things where it stops there to let off people to go to Madrid, but will re-fuel and go on to Switzerland afterwards. No need to get up and go through customs again. At least so he thinks but the flight attendant is talking to him and telling him to get up and off "for security reasons" Jigen is tired, hungover and hungry so even though he does as told he whines about it, he can't help it.

He apologises sincerely as he leaves the plane - it's not the overworked flight crews' fault after all. He's told no problem and hope to see you again by a tired but apparently cheerful stewardess, while a flight attendant checks his ticket passport.

"But you're going on towards Switzerland, sir" the man tells him "uh yes?" says Jigen, working HARD to keep his tone even and not annoyed.
"But then.." the man goes through a few faces before sheepishly telling Jigen he can go and sit down again. Jigen senses an opportunity and asks if he could be allowed to go just outside and have a smoke while they refuel the jet, since he hasn't had a smoke in so long, for his trouble?
And usually he'd be denied this but clearly they feel bad for the mistake and let him.

Jigen stays outside in the fresh air while the plane goes through maintenance, fueling, security, and new baggage is loaded, he only reenters when he notices new passengers starting coming out towards them.

It's only him, a middle-aged pudgy man and a younger lady that's on from the states, Jigen knows better than to assume they aren't following him or aren undercover agents of sorts, but he also knows better than to assume they are as well.

Jigen dozes while the plane taxes, lifts off and awhile the hour or so to Switzerland his hangover miraculously gets better. Bit of fresh air and the complimentary spritz water might be a contributional factor. He's hungry as a wolf but he's going to wait until he can actually eat in some restaurant, he's had enough airplane food for a while.

 

He thinks of wolves as the ads for several things flash on the seat-screen facing him. More Dubai chocolate, something about wolves and drugs, something about.. what is this, soft-core porn? wtf.

The guy next to him who has been trying to start a conversation with Jigen on and off for the past hour quips: "heh thar lady, you'll be getting it up in no time for her with daz djrug!" Jigen simply nods tiredly and ignores him further, the man's a little tipsy so has stopped caring about Jigen snubbing him anyway.

Airports are a special kind of hell but soon he has landed and is milling about towards the exit, he contemplates going through tax free for sigarettes, but he knows it's all a scam anyway and not much cheaper than the old haunts he knows where to find the good stuff in. And anyway... once he picks up Lupin from whatever stupid junk he's gotten himself into they might be able to stop off in Amsterdam and get som nice .. "special" tobacco as well...

And there is the feeling, in the back of his neck, being watched, being prowled, being followed, they are harsh eyes, assassin's eyes. Jigen's got his gun now and steels himself, hopes it's not going to be a guy who'll open fire in the middle of crowds so innocent people can get hurt in the cross fire... but then he relaxes as he hears the familiar clickclick clack of getas.

He sits down in a lame-o plastic diner inspired joint and waits for the man to approach him again, he can't keep the wild grin from his face if he tried.

 

"Goemon!" Jigen is delighted and is making a poor show of hiding it.

"Jigen." the steely man greets him, takes a moment then sits down with distain in the red plastic chair opposite.

"G.man, what a sight for sore eyes, and man are mine sore!" Jigen isn't much of a ham but he's absolutely delighted, even if Goemon would swoop outa here for anysome dumb reason it's always great to learn you're not complete alone somewhere and that there is a god damn Samurai't got ya back.

He then leans forwards and, much more quietly tells Goemon in Japanese to watch out for possible keibu-shaped shadows, and why is he here, has Lupin contacted him?

"I was going to ask you the same" answers the stoic man as he wearily eyes the list of plastic diner inspired food on the menu that one of the servers have just provided them with. Jigen's delighted, doesn't care about it being airport-food and orders 2 slappy joe burger things, fries and milkshake and some local swizz' specific soda thing that might just be cola with sprite in it.

The food arrives faster than Jigen expected and tastes. Absolutely heavenly, in the way mediocre food does when you're absolutely starving and exhausted and just happy you don't have to cook and clean the plates later yourself.

Goemon does not eat a burger, but he does pick at the fries, dips them in mayonnaise like the absolute lunatic that he is. He also eats the milkshake because it's matcha flavoured (Jigen did actually buy it for him, he's not stupid you know)

Jigen just eats the burgers and drinks the soda which, to his surprise, tastes more like cola with blood-orange in it, a combination that he finds he rather likes and will in the years to come have the odd craving for.

 

He tells Goemon everything, even the bit about the man and the lady on the plane, but leaves out the weird oddly erotic dream he had 3 hours ago because it's irrelevant.

Goemon on his hand tells Jigen everything, including an extremely dry description of an erotic dream he had which featured of all things Fujiko and a wolf (no, the wolf was just in the background, watching)
Jigen almost chokes on his soda for 2 reasons: a) Goemon having an erotic dream in the first place and b) uh, there was some kinda weird wolf motive in his dream too?

".. Well it's Lupin isn't it," he quips, "it's like, some kind of mumbo-jumbo dream symbolism, he's in our dreams perving on stuff" he says, tactilely avoiding explaining how his dream had already featured Lupin, in a much more active role at that. "And anyway, it's just dream, that kind of dream isn't.."

"No you don't understand Jigen" says Goemon alarmed, "I do not have dreams like this, the very thought that I would speaks of an unstable balance!" Goemon smacks his hand on the table so the few fries left topple over eachother in the basket they're lying in.

"ché" clicks Jigen's tongue, as if, of course Goemon has dreams like that, everyone does. Goemon's just a prissy samurai-princess that won't admit to such (a)moral doings.
None of this is spoken but all if it is said, in that noise.

Then he looks around and notices more adverts, with wolves and sexy ladies and he actually recognises the brandname now and he looks alarmed: "Lupercalis" Luper?? Wolf.
It's a coincidence.. probably.
He points it out to Goemon who nods and explains that this one pharmacy companies' aggressive advertising and use of "Lupercali" made him seek them out, on account of Lupin and him being gone for so long, especially since the last he heard of him he was in France but the man was nowhere near where he expected to find him which was unheard of, Goemon the Samurai never did not find Lupin when he wanted to, he did not know where he was at all times, but he always, in some way or another found him, when he wanted to, when he was wanted.

"Now is such a time but I cannot find him." explains Goemon awkwardly. It's a spot on his ego that finding the man is such a task. Whence it has never been an issue for him before.

"hmhm, well, ordinarily I woulda said that was horse-shit and you're making connections where there ain't nah, but seeing as I'm following a lead on the man myself and I came here unknowing of this "lupercalis" dig... yea seems a little farfetched being a coincidence after all."
At least it's a lead Jigen thinks, even if it's absolute bonkers a coincidence.. But well what's his life? One bonkers coinkydink after another.

Chapter 5: DundunDUUUUUUUUUUH

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Coincidences be damned, this pharmacy company sure has a lot of armed guards and shit.

Sure it'd not be a problem for the two of them to just force themselves inn, but a) if it is a coincidence that'd be really dumb, and b) if Lupin really is being kept here then it'd be even dumber.

 

So stealth it is.

 

Jigen waits until evening, almost night before the two of them sneak in through a small opening that Goemon has deftly cut into a remoter section of the wall that surrounds the compound.

They sneak in, not where the drug boxes and other paraphernalia is being loaded and offloaded, but through a door that says "PR".
Inside is a wild haired guy with tiny glasses too preoccupied clicking up a storm on his be-stickered computer to even notice them at first. All around him there are advertisements, some recognisable, others are clearly in the development stages, and some are obviously rejects because they are too dumb or crude.

"Uh hey" he suddenly pipes up as he notices them trying to sneak stealthily out of his office "Are you the new guys for the advertisement recc??". "Uh yea, totes" answers Jigen trying to appear like some guy that's regularly cast in advertisements for erection-dysfunction drugs and not at all like a guy who tries to break into dodgy pharma-companies on the regular instead. "Awright my dudes!" the guy says giving Jigen a thumbs up before continuing with his work.

... Jigen and Goemon share a look before continuing their merry sneak-in.
"It is perhaps a blessing of your Wolf like apparency which saved us this time" quips a bemused Goemon. "Can-it fashionista boy" growls Jigen.

 

Their search goes well, if by well you mean "finding fuck all of nothing".

"But there's got be be something?" says Jigen to noone in particular, his sense of "something is hidden here" is very strong, but they've been over every single section in this damn place and found nothing, and anyway they might be caught soon if they keep wandering like this.

And now there is a commotion further down the hallway, towards the main entrance of this place, the place is one story with an open roof in the middle overlooking some plaza with airy fancy offices. They wouldn't keep him in a place like that..

The commotion is getting louder and Jigen has to facepalm because he knows that voice, it's Zenigata.

Still, if he's followed them here there is a very strong probability that Lupin is, indeed somewhere here at least.

"Unhand me! Do you know who I am? INTERPOL!" bellows Zenigata's gravel-like bass.

"Mist--- Gata!" A voice, which sounds like the voice of someone who is much too used to being listened too, and NOT used to being completely ignored by someone that couldn't care less because they have SOMEONE ELSE on their mind 24/7.

"Mister ---GATA!!" Louder this time, coming towards them, Jigen gives Goemon a look, he feels very strongly that the two of them should basically disappear, and groans quietly to himself "If only there was a big dark hole we could disappear into."
Goemon shrugs and cuts a hole through the floor.

 

GOeMooooonnnn!! Jigen yells as they both fall through.

 

When the dust settles and the air knocked out of his lungs has been heaved in again, Jigen gets up, carefully and prepares for a) all hell breaking lose and b) he's gonna kill Goemon, srsly.
Instead he looks around and is astounded at what he sees.

There are wires and tapes and schematics everywhere, a great big lab with a great big window, lots of people in labcoats running around, and in the middle, with tubes going in all directions, completely ass out naked, is a suspended, writing, flustered, Lupin the Third.

Notes:

"Can-it fashionista boy"
is absolutely a refence to that one episode where Goemon has a modeling-gig.

Chapter 6: Lupin vs the ecchi machine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

He is unconscious, or dreaming, or something like that, he has tubes going on all over him, and uh, inside of him, apparently. There are blood tubes in his veins and something like a AMS unit attached to his, uh, penis.
There are straps holding him down, but they look soft and comfortable, and there is also people checking his vitals and adjusting drips and what appears to be a colostomy bag emptying system. As well as a device going in, uh, up his butt.

Lupin is sweaty and groaning and writing, and he is clearly being.. pumped by the machine attached to him, there are lights and screens and all kinds of gizmos. Jigen is awed and horrified.

Goemon just gapes, "nanda kore?!" he exclames after a bit.

 

"Yes, clever isn't it." A voice to the left of them says. The arrogant voice from before in fact.
"Hello, I'm Connard d'Stronzo Arschloch, and I run this facility, and I have full legal right to do so, you are trespassing." He says in a that quiet, pleasant but sinister way a man who knows he has full control of the situation and the power to back it up does.
Worse still, he smiles.

 

From the right side comes a storming, stumbling Zenigata, falling ass over tit as he comes running into the room from the other side, apparently being forced to take the long route.
Arschloch looks at him disdainfully.

"AHCH! you ARE.." Zenigata stops dead blank and goes sheet white, then, ruby red at the spectacle in front of him.

"Lu-Lupan?!" he stutters.

He looks from Lupin to Jigen and Goemon then d'Stronzo and back again.
"Wha-what IS this?!?!"

"Yea" pipes up Jigen: "What the actual fuck is this man?"
Goemon mumbles something under his breath in Japanese that sounds like 3/4 expletives and 1/4 lamentation.

 

Mr. d'Stronzo Arschloch only smiles delightedly.

"This my dear inspector and, uh, soon to be removed trespassers, is my pride and joy, a revolutionary machine that will revitalise reproductive medicine and provide the erection-disenfranchised with more capabilities ever in the history of humanity!"

Everyone simply gape at him.

"It's.. it's a cum-milking machine" says Jigen non-plussed.

d'Stronzo looks at him like he's something unpleasant stuck underneath his shoe.
"ecchi" supplies Goemon, disgusted.

"Naturally, a poltroon like yourself-"
"That means idiot" Goemon says, mock-sotto voice to Jigen, "Lupin told me."
Jigen grins as the arrogant hair-grease in front of him has his feeling of superiority pulled out from under him like a rug by the least intelligent person here.

But the man quickly recovers: "You simpeltons of course have no sophistication!!"
"The visible part of the machine is only part of it! My method incorporates not only the production, distillation and compartmentisation of the drug, which is not only an erectile stimulant, but also a medicine that will fill the user with desire, but also the product development, commercialisation an-"
"Oh. the PR guy with the crazy hair who came up with all the crude ads!" supplies Zenigata brightly.
"Oh you met him?" asks Jigen, "alright guy!"
"Yes he was very useful" adds Zenigata, "only guy here with half a brain" he mutters under his breath.

d'Stronzo Arschloch has had about enough and is about to fucking loose it.
"My! Vision! That! is! MINE! YES I came up with the whole thing!"
"It's pointless for ME to try to explain this to any of you, so I won't bother. but ..."

"But how the hell did you manage to get Lupin..." Jigen stops because he already knows, the only way Lupin would let himself be lured into a trap like this.. He curses underneath his breath.

"oh that," d'Stronzo Arschloch adds smirking, "well it took a lot of work, but one does ones research, one learns the inns and outs of the right people, with coworkers as lovely as these, a clever woman, Lupin is himself to blame, and anyway, it's not as if we are being that cruel to him. It's sweet, sweet paradise, he is actually enjoying it, trust me here."

"That reminds me", a tittering voice from the shadows suddenly calls out. Goemon stutters, Zenigata simply sets his features, genre-savvy enough to know this, that she, the final player would of course appear.

d'Stronzo Arschloch did not, however, expect this.

"Miss Mine? What are you doing here now??"
And she steps out of the shadow, dressed in a lab jacket over a skimpy dress, still tastefully done, but with ever so sliightly too much cleavage showing, as a power move, as an act of intimidation.

 

The Fujiko Mine.

"Gorrammit Fuji" groans Jigen because he can't help himself.
She ignores him.

She opens her mouth to answer d'Stronzo, but her eyes flick instead towards at Lupin, curiously, with a raised eyebrow, before she turns back to d'Stronzo, the tone a warning, sweetly:
"The agreement, I will accept no less than 60% of your earnings."

"We have not yet hit full capacity in sales," says d'Stronzo, "and his production is thinning out!"
He continues: "You assured me that he would be producing the essentials in massive quantity!"
"And did he not?!" answers Fujiko, but now her brow is knitted, "you should have finalised the production by now?!"

"Yes yes, the first two and a half weeks had plenty, but the last 3 days.. He's been thinning out, even as we fill him with the essentials he needs to produce it, fill his mind with an ever continuous display of erotic imagery, his veins with hormones to continuate his arousal, manipulate his erogenous spots with-"

"But," Fujiko frowns, and continues slowly, "our plan was, to pump him of the essentials for your wonder drug for a week maximum, not.. not keep him like this.."
"And anyway, a limited supply is more valuable." She reasons.
"Yea, but we'll make even MORE money if we just keep on pumping him!" The man retorts with a disgusting grin.
Fujiko gasps horrified.

 

"You. You're making him orgasm against his will! That's, that's some kind of rape!" Zenigata gasps paleing significally.
"Nonsense," says Connard. "You know, and I know, and she knows and both of those idiots know, everyone in the whole WORLD knows that Arsène Lupin the third is the horniest little shit that ever existed, keeping him like this, keeping him locked down, your work is over mister Zenigata, no longer do you have to worry about him escaping, he's too busy cumming!" he roared.

"And anyway it's much more humane than killing him, or trying to come up with ever increasingly elaborate plans to arrest and detain him, he's in paradise and he'll never bother anyone else again!"
Despite Arschloch's triumphant booming voice, Zenigata frowned at him, gave him his best bitchface.
...
"No," he said, finally. "I will not accept this."

Notes:

Imagine part 1 Zenigata bitchface.

Chapter 7: Conclusion

An angry Zeni is a sight to behold, a terrifying sight.
Most often the Lupin gang have this aimed at Them, or well at Lupin, but being the Lupin gang meant it was predominantly in their direction.

Seeing it directed at other people, at other people detaining Lupin..
Was still terrifying. Especially as it becomes increasingly clearer that Zenigata, on the whole, tends to pull his punches when it came to them and Lupin.

Non such here. No doors, no lines, no chains and no weapons can stop him.
He has no qualms about property damage, he isn't afraid of guards with tazers or men larger than him with huge batons to smash with. They all go flying.

Until Zenigata is in the room right next to the whimpering, squirming Lupin, his eyes squeezed shut and his clammy skin wet and flushed. But here Zenigata falters, because how does he detangle Lupin from this monster perversion machine?

Jigen eyes Fujiko once and then strides carefully in next to him, avoiding all the debris Zenigata's rampage has left in his wake.
"Hmm" he says, carefully trying to pull at a tube here, a wire there. This prompts Zenigata to also carefully try to detangle the mess, to disconnect the ... pump which is still working on Lupin's cock making him clench and spasm, Actually with increased intensity, like he's being electrocuted!
The two be-hatted men stop, worrying their ministrations is hurting him, but it becomes clear after a second - Lupin is, uh, orgasming, his testicles visibly clench and retract as a small sliver of white liquid shoots into the pump's transparent tube.

Fujiko comes closer, standing next to them, but still at a distance. Jigen can imagine some of the thoughts that brought her to agree to lure Lupin into this situation, something something herself being put into sex-torturing machines more than once, something something Lupin being an absolute ass and perv, something something Fujiko being a stone hard cold bitch that (much like Lupin, she really was his distaff counterpart in so many ways) had a certain disregard for the consequences of her actions.
She looked genuinely horrified and actually a little sick.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this" she mutters, so quietly that no-one but Jigen who is the closest to her can hear. He doesn't think she meant for him to hear her either.

The machine had stopped moving and sucking and blinking at Lupin's climax, but is now starting up again, something like liquid is squeezed into Lupin's veins, lube seems to be coating his nethers, and, finally the thing in his ass' purpose becomes apparent, it starts up a motor, a vibrator, clearly poking his prostrate, Lupin jolts and writhes, his face contorting into something that looks horribly like pain, not pleasure.

Zenigata redoubles his efforts as Lupin opens his mouth finally and dryly moans, in a language that neither of them can speak very well; a combination of several, but the intonation of the words "yamete" and "stop" seems to be in there, "onegai" too, as well as something that sounds like, "si-vo-plee".
Jigen knows just enough French to know what that means, and it sinks his heart and fills his mouth with acid, "stop this infernal machine" screams a tear-stricken Zenigata as he starts pulling wires in his emotional state.
"Careful!" yells Jigen alarmed, but without anger. Hell, he gets where Zenigata is coming from.

"Desist." says a stony voice, there is Goemon, he's already pulled out the Zantetsuken, "stop!" yells d'Stronzo from behind them, but it's already too late, Goemon cuts through vires, tubes, pumps and restraints.

Jigen catches Lupin as he collapses out of the thing, writhing and panting.

"please, pelase sp.. I don't want, I don't want to come anymore," Lupin whimpers, "uhhh.. please pelase."
"please stop, arrête, yamete, por favor detente, onegai chotto onegai," he babbles in japanese, french, english, spanish. He shakes and squirms.

"please forgibe forgiv.. I won't do it agaaainn" he wails and hiccups, he shakes and squirms in Jigen's arms but doesn't do much else, Zenigata carefully puts his trenchcoat onto his naked body, and despite being such an outer garment it's so worn that it's soft and comfortable, and it seems to calm Lupin down too, it smells familiar.

"shh shh it's over man" coes Jigen, alarmed at Lupin the Mother Fucking Third acting this way.
Jigen holds him, and rocks him and placates him.

"Oh?! He loves it does he??" spits a fuming Fujiko at Connard. "That doesn't look like paradise to ME!" She directs her fury at him and points one perfectly manicured nail accusingly at him.

d'Stronzo looks like he's going to shit himself, before he relaxes, straightens himself up and with a mien of complete calm states: "But you where just as much involved ms. Mine. And I have perfect legal right to do so. It took quite some doing with the lawyers, but I had several, SEVERAL prominent politicians and upper managements, yes, even in INTER-national departments," he harpun-eyes Zenigata while he says that particular part, "but eventually since it meant he would humanly be put under control in a way that would benefit-" "ah put a sock in it!" snaps Zenigata, "I'll arrest you, the limp-dick politicians and everyone else up towards the corrupt Billi-goats at the top that okay-ed and built this monstrosity before I let anyone else leave here!"
Zenigata is ferocious, but also tired, he has already understood that he's not arresting Lupin today, Lupin is in a state of complete exhaustion and sticky use, it simply would not be fair according to the bizarre rules of their fucked-up cat-and-mouse game.

Jigen has managed to carefully pull out the thing in his ass, Lupin whines and begs and squirms and, maddeningly, appears to orgasm again while he does so, this followed by a plea of "pelase please I don't want to come anymore".
It's disheartening and, a little sickening to hear a hornball pervert like Lupin say these things. it's just so.. unlike him.
Jigen simply rocks and coes him and hugs him tight and tells him that it's over, it's over it's over. Lupin clings to him and his breath slowly returns to something normal.

After a bit his eyes crack open, and a small, wobbly smile appears on his face, Lupin's voice is croaky and hoarse, but he still isn't beaten, the fucker, because he says "oohh Jigen my handsome bearded guardién angel", "how wonderful it is to see you~" for once Jigen doesn't act all puffy about it, instead he says with all the love he can muster: "shut the fuck up you fucker" and then he hugs him, hugs him close as Lupin shivers and the stuff from the tube leaks out of his ass.

 

"Disgraceful" Goemon's voice says with utter contempt, Jigen lifts his head to scold him, it's not really Lupin's fault this is it? (ok so probably it sort of is Lupin's fault, he was cocky and thought he would be able to get out of this without any issue, he probably thought a whole bunch of stupid shit in that overly clever brain of his) but noone deserves..
Jigen's lecture dies in his throat because Goemon's ire is directed towards Arschloch, and Fujiko.
Jigen almost feels bad for her, she clearly was bamboozled almost as much as Lupin here. Almost.

"You're under arrest!" bellows Zenigata "you're making a mistake!" screeches d'Stronzo, as Zenigata approaches him and starts cuffing and tying him up.
"You idiot, he's getting away! And my work is ruined! I had complete legal right- they'll have your badge for this! Your hide!!!" He's practically frothing at the mouth, d'Stronzo is definitely not used to being treated like this.
"Bullshit" says Zenigata, "a real court of law will see to that."
"You have no proof! yells the man, "nothing but the words of 3 thieves and a charcuterie board!" Goemon simply frowns deeper at this description.

"One of which, was in. On. IT!"
Zenigata looks towards Fujiko who looks adorably like a little puppy caught pissing on the rug. "I won't go easy on you, but in return for a reduction, you will tell the courts everything, won't you, miss Mine?" he says, knowing fully well that Fujiko will spend exactly 0 days in actual jail, being almost better than Lupin himself at jailbreak. "Yes sir" she wobbles, but without putting on the fake pathetic damsel cry she has down so well, her big brown eyes looking miserable. Damn she's good at attaining sympathy. Jigen thinks, and everyone loves a repentive sinner. She'll go Scott free or Jigen will eat his hat.

Arschloch seems to clock onto what's happening here, he's doomed, no bullshit backdoor agreement legal papers in the world will sway an actual live jury seeing Fujiko Mine's tearful horrified act and Zenigata's dry but accurate description of machinations, and it'll be a live jury, Zenigata will see to that.

"You!" he panics, "You, you're working WITH them! that's why! that's why you-"
"Urusee kono-yarou"! spits Goemon before he wacks the man over the head with the Zantetsuken's hilt.
Zenigata makes a grimace at that, but makes no comment.

"Alright" he says, securing the man. And then, pulling out a research kit: "Nobody touch anything now." He spends some time taking pictures and dusting and writing down descriptions, carefully also taking very delicate pictures of Lupin, his bruises and the state of him.

Jigen frowns at this but Zenigata pays him no mind and actually has the audacity to wink at him.
At the end he gets in real close to him and whispers "I knew you'd be able to figure out something", "my boss wouldn't let me... fucker, I bet he was in on the whole thing."
Jigen makes a face at that, having a little bit of sympathy for Zenigata having tremendous amounts of corrupt wankery to deal with, still he's not going to help him arrest Lupin. Carefully hoisting him up, before locking eyes with Goemon, Goemon will cut their way outa here, be it through concrete walls, metal computer terminals or flesh bodies.

Zenigata eyes them warily, "I suppose it's a moot point for me to ask you if you'll let me take him to the hospital?" he says to Jigen.
"Huh" answers Jigen, not expecting Zenigata being so.. amendable, being this close up to him he can see how tired the man is, how long he must have been sitting on this and not being able to DO anything about it, gods, Jigen has sympathy for the man, but, alas not that amount of sympathy.
"You know how he is," Jigen retorts, "they'll patch him up, poke and prod and make a big deal out of it, and he'll escape before he's well, it'll be a spectacle. no, let me take him.. I have some places, damn you know of a few of them now, don't you?"
Zenigata simply gives him a tired but vicious grin, "make sure he stays out of trouble for at least as long as it takes this fucker to be behind bars!" he growls.

Jigen can do that, it's an implicit "I won't hunt you down until then" too.

"ngh" moans Lupin, snuggling into Jigen in a way that is a little less casual an a little more "I am actually a little pervy shit".
"Lupin" groans Jigen but he can't fault him right now, he's past that.
"Are you ok, Lupin," asks Goemon, and anyone else would think the man is as atonal as ever, but Jigen can hear the slight lift, a sound inflection, that from Goemon is tantamount to Zenigata crying all over the place, "nghh, Goe-Goe" groans Lupin. Looking, sheepish?
"ehh, I told you to meet me at the French.." he starts, then eyes flick over towards Zenigata then back to Goemon. "Yes Lupin, you where not there."
"no." says Lupin, "I was,," he looks at Jigen, "you found it??" You did didn't you, my brilliant tireur" Lupin flirts, Jigen rolls his eyes but doesn't have the energy to rebuff him for it - it's probably also a cooping mechanism at this point.
"You doing ok?"
"Better than ok!" says Lupin smearing on the fake "I am absolutely delighted good gravy!" schtick much too thickly.
"I think I musta come 35 times the first week alone!"
..
"and then.." now he falters.. "The second week was a bit.. tiering..."
"uhm.." Lupin makes a face and cringes.
"The third.. it's today? I don't want.. uh anyway.." He brightens, "What day is it? Also what's the name of this looser? And can we maybe eat some solid food also I would like ..!"

"Uh.. Calm down hold your horses, let's get outa here first!" says Jigen delighted that Lupin seems more ok than he previously had thought. He and Goemon are already carefully carrying him up the staircase Zenigata found, somehow having a 7th sense when it came to Lupin he had found a hidden floor trapdoor and wrenched it open.

"It's thurs- actually no, I do belive it's friday now, and the guy's name is Connard d'Stronzo Arschloch and we can defin-"
"His name is WHAHAHAHAHATTT??!" Lupin's face contorts with incredulity.
"Arschloch, Connard, d'Stronzo, Arschloch" says Jigen carefully enunciating the words, he did get it right, right?
Lupin explodes. In laughter until he shakes and looses control of his faculties, his bowels, everything, luckily for everyone involved those only contained a little bit of lube.

Jigen doesn't understand but he laughs anyway, Goemon also laughs confusedly as he carefully handles Lupin through the cut hole from earlier, they carefully make their way to the rental car they've used to get here. Sadly they're going to have to just, buy it or reimburse the company, because Lupin is leaky, Goemon and Jigen are both dirty and dusty, and everyone has the normal amount of heist-related cuts and bruises.
Jigen drives to the swizz resort that Lupin hates, thinking that he might be able to hide in open sight. It' even uses his grandfather's name in it's advertising for Pete's sake.

On the way there he sees flyers with "Lupercialis" hanging around, finally noticing it's "-cialis" not -calis/calia
"Oh gross" he mutters to himself, realising the marked will basically be flooded with Lupin-splodge-sourced aphrodisiac-viagra for much of the foreseeable future.
Something the man himself will never stop referencing, he is sure.

Still he's numb and sore right now, unusually muted and not at all pervy, he doesn't even leer at the lady that takes Jigen's money+tip+extra-extra to keep schtum and gives them the keys to their room. He's only incredibly cuddly, cuddling into Goemon's lap, Goemon bristles but when Lupin just, cuddles instead of trying anything weird, he settles, and ends up stroking his head, with Lupin shifting so his ears aren't accidentally touched, apparently those are an erogenous area.
Gods, the man really is spent.

Jigen leaves Goemon and Lupin snoozing on the large bed-sofa thing to be the first to have a shower, a familiar post-heist routine by now. They'll order some room-service after washing Lupin, for now he can sleep.

And sleep he does, for 3 whole days, only intermitted by a little food and cleaning, being unusually cuddly, even by Lupin standards.

The Swizz resort is comfortably luxurious but not so high-profile that it's exhausting. It's basically a spa/health-recovery sort of place and that fits Jigen just fine, there are even mineral baths that are reminiscent enough of onsen that it pleases Goemon.

They stay for 3 weeks while Lupin recovers, but by the end of it he's already chasing tail again. Still, this time neither Jigen or Goemon are mad at him for it, just relieved.

- Fin

Notes:

nanda kore?! - what is this?!
ecchi - perverted
yamete - stop
onegai - please
si-vo-plee - s'il te plaît - please
urusee- shut up/be quiet
kono-yarou - basically the closest Goemon is going to get to calling someone a motherfucker
tireur - gunman

Connard d'Stronzo Arschloch -
Basically this is french, italian and german for "asshole" so this guys name is "asshole d'asshole asshole"

Naturally Lupin knows all these languages so he's having a true fucking FIT when he finds out.

 

Fujiko's a real heartless bitch and a villain in this, but in true form she's that, but also not that. When she finds out that the deal is broken and Lupin is being exploited beyond the agreed timeframe she is horrified (or she's mad that she hasn't gotten a bigger part of the score.. possibly both?).

 

Wanted to write something in which LUPIN's the one actually getting sexually exploited for once, he's a horny little shit but NOONE deserves to be put in what is in effect a rape-machine. Sure he was kinda of enjoying himself there but he was also extremely overstimulated and tired at the end. Much any longer and it would have veered into "NOPE" territory.

"Lupercalis" is the ancient Roman fertility festival, and "cialis" is a sort of viagra-like drug, the pun wrote itself.

---

I've been wanting to write a "someone tries to use an aphrodisiac against Lupin but it doesn't have an effect because Lupin is ALWAYS horny so he's immune" fic but then the idea of "what if Lupin was the aphrodisiac" came into my mind, and the fic wholesale, just needed to write it out.