exile

by S2jully

Summary:

"I think I’ve seen this film before
And I didn’t like the ending
You’re not my homeland anymore
So what am I defending now?
You were my town, now I’m in exile, seein’ you out
I think I’ve seen this film before"

– exile, by Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver

Notes:

Hello, everyone!
It’s been a while since I’ve posted any fanfiction, but this piece has been sitting on my desk for quite some time (since last year, actually). I saw the trailer for the upcoming season and thought, why not?

This will be a short story, with each chapter inspired by a Taylor Swift song (if you’ve read any of my previous work, you’ll know I’m a big fan of hers). It explores the moments we didn’t get to see on the show between seasons 2 and 3. The story will blend elements from both the books and the series, along with some creative liberties, angst and drama.

Not for jellyfish fans.

Chapter 1

I think I’ve seen this film before

And I didn’t like the ending

You’re not my homeland anymore

So what am I defending now?

You were my town, now I’m in exile, seein’ you out

I think I’ve seen this film before

– exile, by Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver

One of Jeremiah’s favorite movie was Peter Pan. The boy simply loved the idea of staying young forever, living in a world where parents didn’t exist or bedtime wasn’t a thing. For him, it was a dream.

For a Belly, it was just a dumb movie. Neverland? That was going to be a no for her. A place where a boy makes the rules was not something she liked very much. Especially if that place would not include her mother and Susannah. No, Belly loved them very much to try to imagine a world where she couldn’t have them next to her.

But what used to bother her the most was the idea of never growing old. What Belly wanted the most when she was little was exactly that, grow up. She wanted to be respected, to be included in that little group her brother and the Fisher boy’s had created, the one she was never invited to. And the most important thing, she wanted to be finally noticed by Conrad, something she wished it would finally happen when she reached puberty, or something.

It wasn’t until years later that Belly finally got the appeal of Peter Pan. Just like the boy who didn’t want to grow old, Belly didn’t want things to change.

But they did anyway.

Things first changed when Jere kissed her. Then, when Conrad kissed her. Then, when Susannah’s cancer came back. And finally, when she died.

And to make matters worst, when Belly finally made her choice, choosing a new love over an old crush. If that’s how one could describe her story with Conrad.

Belly never wanted anything to change.

Yet they did.

In the worst way possible.

And when she finally thought things would finally go back to normal, November arrives and she realizes, she’s definitely not in Neverland.

It was Thanksgiving week. Most specifically, Wednesday night. Her house still smelled like the pumpkin pie she had helped her mother with. Preparations were at full speed at the Conklin’s household, a lot different from her last Thanksgiving, which her only concerns were her outfit and if Conrad would like it.

If she remembers correctly, he was the one helping Susannah with the pie a year ago.

Their Thanksgiving was definitely different this year.

Belly was laying at the couch, trying to watch some TV while trying to ignore the irritating noises Steven’s phone was producing. She loved having her brother back but it was incredibly annoying having to watch him sending text after text to Taylor.

After what it could’ve been the hundredth time she heard his phone vibrates, she gave up.

“Oh my God, Steven” she groans, giving up on the movie. “Why don’t you just go to her house? It would be a lot faster and I could finally finish this damn movie”

Ignoring her, Steven continues to text another message, and doesn’t look up from his place at the other couch until he’s done. “For your information, not that you’ve asked, I chose to be with family. That’s why I’m here with you and not with my hot girlfriend”

Belly rolls her eyes, moving them back to the TV. “Whatever. We both know you’re not at Taylor’s because mom said she wanted you home tonight”

“Maybe” he shrugs. “Or maybe I just missed my home and family so much that I decided to agree with mom”

“Right” she snorts.

Belly nods and holds her smile, remembering Laurel sending that look to Steven, the one who said “You’re not leaving to see your girlfriend when your family haven’t seen you in months, so sit your ass down and let’s have some bonding time” when he announced he was going to Taylor’s earlier that evening.

It always amused Belly watch Steven get scolded by their mom, but if she was being honest, she didn’t want to share her brother that evening too.

Belly would never admit to Steven, but not having him around drove her nuts. She missed her brother, the way he used to annoy her every morning whenever he saw her before leaving to school, his terrible voice singing in the shower and stealing all the hot water. He was everywhere and in every aspect of her day.

Him missing from the house that has always been theirs... it was weird, and Belly felt like something was wrong.

But not tonight. Laurel is at her office, talking to her publisher about a new book. Steven was sitting next her, being the irritating older brother that he is. Her world was finally at peace.

That’s why when the doorbell rang five minutes later, she raised her brows at Steven.

“You’re waiting for someone?” She questions, removing the soft blanket around her to go to the door.

“No” Steven shakes his head, dropping his phone at the coffee table. “And that’s not Taylor because she just went to shower”

Belly makes a grimace before opening the door. “Gross”

But the thoughts of her best friend sending texts to her brother are forgotten when she noticed their nightly visitor.

At the other side, one of Susannah’s little angels was waiting for her, with his big smile and golden curls.

Belly yells, going for a hug that she knows it’s crushing Jeremiah but she doesn’t care. “Oh my God, Jere! What are you doing here?”

“What? I can’t surprise my girlfriend one day before Thanksgiving?” he replies taking a step back to lay a soft kiss at her lips.

Girlfriend. The word still makes her feel butterflies at her stomach.

“Yes, you can” she says with a grin, returning his kiss, and takes his hand, pulling him inside the house and closing the door. “I just can’t believe that you drove almost six hours to see me the night before Thanksgiving”

Jere shrugs but his answer is forgotten when he sees Steven at the couch. They hug at the same weird way they always did and drags him to sit next to her at the couch, laying her head at his shoulder.

“I thought you were in Boston, with your father” Belly reveals, hugging his right arm and squeezing his hand.

Adam kept his word and sold their house in Boston in order to buy the beach house. But after getting a raise at his job and deciding he was not up to driving to Cousins every night after work, Adam decided to buy a small apartment in a very nice condo, next to his workplace. Belly had yet to visit the place but Jeremiah had sent her some pictures and from the look of it, she was sure Susannah would’ve hated it. Jere said he didn’t mind, it was a place he could crash at whenever he didn’t feel like driving to Cousins. Conrad never said a word about it after moving to California, but Belly was pretty certain that he wasn’t fond of the place either.

“I was, but then decided it would be a good idea to stop by and see you. Its been months since we’ve seen each other face to face” he shrugs. “I’ve missed you” he confess and Steven pretends to gag in the back.

He was right, it’s been months since she last saw him. They said their goodbyes at the end of the summer, with him going to Finch and her, back to school. Belly offered to help him move his stuff to campus but Jere declined admitting that his father had already offered and that seemed like something they should do alone.

Jeremiah often struggled in his relationship with his father, not like Conrad, but Adam was not Susannah. Adam had a favorite kid, and never bothered to try and hide it. It has always been Conrad and Belly was aware of Jeremiah’s attempts to gain his father’s attention.

She recalls nodding and accepting, reading in his eyes what he was really saying to her. Adam’s offer was his chance of finally creating that bond, the one he’d always wished to have but it had been destined for Conrad.

So Belly took a step back, allowing them to do the moving by themselves. In the end of the day, Jere called to say his father paid someone to do the heavy lifting and barely helped his son get settled. Conrad never showed up and Jeremiah barely acknowledged his brother lack of calls or texts to Belly.

Her heart got smaller inside her chest, hearing her boyfriend’s sad words but there was nothing she could do. Conrad was just like that, an introverted guy and if she had to guess, them breaking his heart would only make things worse. So Belly rapidly agreed when Jeremiah dismissed his brother’s behavior.

“You know, this is pretty standard to him, so I’m not worried. And if he’s still hurt... I guess he will have to get over it someday”

Belly hoped Jeremiah was right.

But for now, she didn’t want to focus in the future, only in the present. More specifically, in the hot guy sitting next to her. And that’s what she did, too absorbed in the moment to hear her mother’s footsteps.

“Jeremiah? What are you doing here?” Laurel inquiries, entering the room with a suspicious look at her face. She crosses her arms in front of her chest, watching her daughter and the youngest son of her best friend with narrowed eyes and Belly feels her face getting warmer.

“Jere drove by to see me, mom” Belly reveals sheepishly and Jeremiah raises one his hands, the one Belly wasn’t crushing right now to wave at her mother.

“Hey, Laurel”

“It’s almost eight and you decided to drive five and half hours to see Belly?” Laurel asks skeptical, not quite believing that Susannah’s sunny boy was there, at her couch.

“Yep, I just couldn’t live another hour without seeing this beautiful face” he replies turning to Belly and Steven rolls his eyes.

Belly swoons, pressing a kiss at his cheek. “This is so sweet. Right, mom?” She turns to her mother, not getting Laurel’s strange behavior towards Jere.

“Very” Laurel nods dryly, not dropping the attitude. “What I’m trying to understand is how Jeremiah’s supposed to drive another five and half hours back to Boston in order to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Because you are spending Thanksgiving with Adam and Conrad, right Jeremiah?” She asks in a accusatory tone and Belly glares at her. In her head, Laurel was trying to ruin the mood and she didn’t know why.

Jere scratches the back of his head, not answering her right away. “I am, I mean, kind of –“

“What do you mean by kind of?” Laurel interrupts him, not having it.

“I mean it will be just me and my dad. Conrad’s not coming” Jeremiah admits in a low voice and Belly’s heart misses a beat with his revelation.

“What?” she’s not able to hold her tongue, not giving her mom the chance to reply. “Why he’s not coming?”

“He said something like needing to study or some shit like that to our father” Jere shrugs, deflecting. “I don’t know, I found out that he wasn’t coming today when I offered my dad to pick him up from the airport”

“You’re saying he’s going to be alone at Thanksgiving?” Laurel asks the question everyone in the room was thinking and Belly can’t help but see the wheels turning inside her mother’s head.

Instantly, her grip on Jeremiah’s arm gets less tighter. Unconsciously, her grin disappears and Belly bites her lips, doing her best to swallow the guilt she’s now feeling.

It’s been months since Susannah’s death and her little family was already falling apart.

Belly remembers their last Thanksgiving together. They had the most amazing time together, and she recalls how her heart would swell everytime Conrad squeezed her hand under the table. She felt like the most special girl, like Susannah always said she was. She holds every aspect of that day close to her heart, one of the few days she saw Susannah happy and Belly didn’t feel any guilt of feeling perfectly content as well.

She recalls the perfect food. The nice conversation going at the table. Trying Susannah’s old clothes. And when Laurel tried to leave, saying they were going to spend the night at some hotel, Susannah’s insistence that they slept in one of her many guest rooms. Laurel said yes and Conrad sneaked in to her room in the middle of the night. A magical day and night, indeed.

And now, that magic was over.

Clearing her throat, Laurel brings Belly back to the present. “How are you, Jere, with everything?”

Jeremiah looks down, taking a deep breath before answering. “I’m good. Some days are better than others and some are pretty shitty. But I’m fine”

“And Conrad?” She presses, and suddenly there’s a tension in the room. When Steven’s phone vibrates again, signaling that Taylor’s shower was finally over, he doesn’t budge, too focused on Jeremiah’s answer to move.

“Have you been talking to him?” Laurel continues when she gets nothing but silence from Jeremiah.

“Actually, no. Things have been... pretty quiet between us lately”

Belly’s eyes crosses the room, finding her mother’s and she knows what she’s thinking. Conrad and Jeremiah were never best friends, but this? This situation was not normal.

And Laurel’s eyes didn’t say but Belly knew how much her mother’s heart was breaking at those words.

Laurel always had a special bond with Conrad, just like Susannah had with Belly. Laurel knew the oldest son of her best friend like the palm of her hand, what used to drive Belly mad. One day she finally admitted to her mom.

“You get him in a way that I don’t, and I’ve always envied that”

Laurel shrugged, hugging her daughter and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“Susannah gets you in a way that I don’t, and I’ve always envied that too” Laurel admits, making Belly blush. “I guess we are that special. And Conrad’s more like me, just like you’re more like Beck. We complete each other”

Belly still remembers those words, feeling pride at being compared to Susannah. And suddenly, the jealousy was gone.

Laurel’s mood is shifted when her eyes leave Belly’s. “But you are going to spend Thanksgiving with Adam, right? I know Beck wanted you guys together for your first holiday without her”

“Yeah, I’m going to head back to Boston in a few hours. I just wanted to see Belly first” he squeezes her hand, bringing a smile to Belly’s face. “Besides, the mood there... is not great. The Conklin’s house is much more familiar to me than that cold apartment”

Belly notices the moment a sympathetic look crosses her mother’s features, feeling for Jeremiah.

“I’m sorry, Jere” Laurel mumbles, moving next to them to squeeze his shoulder in an act of support. “I suppose it will get easier with time”

“I suppose” he agrees, shrugging.

They both know she was lying but no one says a word.

Laurel’s phone rings from the other room, so she drops her hand moving away from them. “Don’t leave too late, I’m already worried about you driving this late at night”

Jeremiah didn’t stay, following Laurel’s rules and Thanksgiving happened quite smoothly at Belly’s house with her mom inviting their father to join them – and Betty couldn’t be more thankful when she realized he didn’t bring his girlfriend with him.

Things were good, and for a moment, Belly pretended everything was like the way it was before. She could envision Susannah and her boys laughing while sitting at the couch, and her heart was filled with a warm feeling only thinking about Susannah could bring.

After having her stomach full, Belly goes brush her teeth and on the way back to her room, she stops at the door of her mother’s bedroom. Watching Laurel moving around, holding clothes with one arm and an open a suitcase at her bed.

Narrowing her eyes, Belly leans against the threshold. “You’re traveling somewhere? What’s with all the packing?”

Laurel stops mid way, surprised. “Hey, honey, I didn’t see you there”. After stopping to acknowledge her daughter, she goes back to her task, carefully putting her folded clothes in her bag, her steps now hesitant.

“I’ve noticed” Belly comments, finding everything weird. “So, where are you going? You didn’t say anything earlier”

Laurel sits next to her bag, directing her eyes to Belly. “I’m going to California”

That startles her. “What? What are you going to do in California? I mean, is this a book thing or –“

Belly stops in the middle of her sentence because suddenly she knows what her mother is going to do in California. Or more specifically, who she’s going to see.

Laurel nods, confirming Belly’s thoughts. “I called Conrad last night, right after Jeremiah left and... I don’t know, something sounded off about him and I hated the idea of him spending Thanksgiving all by himself. Anyway, we talked and I offered to visit him and he said yes”

After awhile, Belly found her voice. “So he did spend Thanksgiving alone?”

“He said some friend asked him stay with his family but I don’t believe him. I guess I just want to see him with my own eyes and check him out” Laurel shrugs.

The familiar feeling of guilt starts filling Belly’s heart again the second she hears her mother’s words. It’s not like Belly didn’t care that Conrad was all alone at the other side of the country, too busy about her new boyfriend – his brother – to think about him. The thought did cross her mind, but she didn’t allow herself to feel for him. She couldn’t do that anymore.

They were no longer in a relationship and no longer friends, apparently. After the last time she saw Conrad in the motel room, Belly tried remaining in contact with him. It took her three weeks, but she finally texted him, asking how he was and how were things at the beach house – Jeremiah let her know that he’d only came back to Boston to pack his things and was permanently living at Cousins now. She tried another few times, every single one of them went unanswered. Then, Belly tried calling but again, nothing.

And after being ignored, Belly finally gave up, allowing him the space he needed.

“So... you’re going to see Conrad” Belly states, let the thought of him sink in. “And you were not going to mention anything to us?”

Laurel shakes her head. “I would, but I just didn’t want Steven trying to tag along. I was going to tell everyone tomorrow morning, before leaving for the airport”

“Steven, hum...” Belly mumbles. “You never thought I wanted to see him too?” She asks a little hurt.

Her mother sighs, crossing her legs. “We both know this is not a good idea, Belly”

“Why not? He’s my friend and I haven’t seen him since the beginning of summer” she protests.

Belly didn’t go back to Cousins that summer, she didn’t want to disturb Conrad with her presence – something she knew she would do after realizing he didn’t want to talk to her. Volleyball camp was enough to keep her occupied, along with Jeremiah’s visits to Philly.

She misses her friend. Her old Conrad. The one that existed before that summer in Cousins, the one she found out about Susannah’s cancer. Belly has a feeling that old Conrad is gone, but he’s family, he’s her friend. That version of him might not exist anymore, but Belly loves him enough to want to discover how he is now.

That’s why the idea of her going with Laurel was not that absurd to her.

“Belly –“

“Come on, mom –“

“Belly, no” her mother says with a final tone and Belly actually has to bite her tongue to not reply. “I think you’ve done enough”

Laurel’s words have more impact than Belly imagined they would have. In the back of her mind, she’s aware of the mess she made, but having her mother throw it at her face definitely makes it more real.

“Thanks a lot, mom” Belly mutters, and Laurel takes a deep breath.

“You know that’s not what I mean” she defends herself. “I’m not saying you did anything wrong, you are allowed to pick whoever you want to date, I’m just saying that you have to know that in the minute you chose Jeremiah, you broke Conrad’s heart. He loved you and you decided to be with Jere. Just don’t expect him to welcome you with open arms just like he used to do every summer when we got to the beach house. At least, not for awhile”

Unfortunately Belly was aware of everything Laurel was saying. Knowing she had his heart at her hand and yet, she let him go, crushing it, it’s one of the reasons why she wanted to talk or see him one more time. It wasn’t closure. Belly just wanted proof of life, proof that she hasn’t destroyed his life.

“I get it” Belly agrees, curling her lips. Not feeling satisfied at all, she walks to the bed, plopping down next to her mother.

Laurel uses the proximity to grab one of Belly’s hands. “When I talk with him, he never asks about you, and you didn’t mention anything before... are you two still talking?”

Belly shakes her head, sadness all over her voice. “No. I haven’t heard from him since that day at the motel”

Her mother’s hums, drawing imaginary circles at the palm of her hand. “So there’s your answer. Give him the space he needs to heal. Allow me to see how he’s doing without you being there”

She nods, giving Laurel a fake and soft smile. “I hate that he’s not speaking to me but I’m glad he has you in his life”

“This is nothing. I’m just trying to look after Susannah’s boys, just like you once reminded me I should do” Laurel winks at her and this time, Belly’s smiles are true.

“And you have a soft spot for Conrad” Belly mocks and Laurel rolls her eyes.

“I don’t have a soft spot for him. We just have an understanding between us”

“Right” she snorts, laughing.

That is until she remembers the promise she’d made to Susannah.

“Promise to take care of him”

“Who?”

“You know who”

Belly knew why Susannah made her promise. Conrad has always been the older brother, the one who tries to solve things alone, the one who excludes himself from the narrative whenever he feels hurt. The one who never let anyone take care of him, anyone but his mother. But now she’s gone. And Belly knew she’d failed at the last thing Susannah had asked of her.

But at least he had Laurel.

Clearing her throat, Belly stands up, walking to the door. “When you’re going to be back?”

“By Sunday morning, I want to see your brother off”

“Okay. So... I’m going to let you finish your packing” she says, leaving the room when her mother’s voice stops her.

“Belly?”

“Hum?” She replies, a little distracted and focusing on her bed, where she was going to spend the rest of her night crying.

“Thank you, for being my amazing daughter” Laurel says with a smile, trying to comfort and soothe the storm she saw at Belly’s eyes seconds earlier. “Goodnight, honey. See you in the morning”

“Night, mom” Belly says back, closing the door behind her.

Her cry doesn’t wait until she’s at her bedroom, so when a sob escapes from her chest, Belly uses the hallway wall to support herself, holding her hand against her mouth so no one will listen her crying.

The house is quiet, unlike her head, and while trying to keep it to herself, she lets her mind wonder about Conrad, about her promise to Susannah and her failure.

She closes her eyes, her thoughts make her dizzy.

Conrad all alone.

Him and Jeremiah not speaking.

Him and her not speaking.

What a mess.

God, how she wished she could be forever young, forever in a world where nothing ever changed... how she wished she could be Peter Pan.

I think I’ve seen this film before

And I didn’t like the ending

I’m not your problem anymore

So who am I offending now?

You were my crown, now I’m in exile, seein’ you out

I think I’ve seen this film before

So I’m leaving out the side door

– exile, by Taylor Swift feat. Bom Iver

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2: I almost do

Notes:

Hello everyone
So, this chapter contains events that
don't happen in the books, but angst is
my favorite genre and I needed some
drama. Besides, we're finally going to
talk about Conrad's mental health -
something I believe was necessary in
the show.

 

This one is based on "I Almost Do" by
Taylor Swift.

And I just want to tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know

That everytime I don’t

I almost do, I almost do

– I almost do, by Taylor Swift

Good news, Belly decided, were made to be shared during daylight. There’s something about the sunlight hitting through the windows while listening something good being told through a telephone.

But bad news? They are the ones that usually comes at night, when the sun hasn’t still come out and the moon’s light is not enough to chase away the coldness that followed.

Belly still remembers when they got the call. The one that let them know that Susannah was gone. It was still dark outside and she felt paralyzed, lying at her bed, listening her mother talking to someone. Belly knew instantly what it meant. Phones ringing at night only meant bad things.

And her theory was about to be proven right once again.

It was Saturday night, beginning of February. Belly and Taylor were having a movie night, sharing a couch and a bowl of popcorn.

On Belly’s left, Taylor sighs for the hundredth time.

Losing her patience, Belly grabs the remote, pressing pause. “Okay, what is it now?”

Biting her lip, Taylor slips away from her to catch her face. “Do we really have to watch this depressing movie?”

Belly frowns. “Titanic is not depressing” she protests. “It’s a lovestory”

“No, it’s not. Thousands of people died on the real Titanic” Taylor counters. “This is depressing as shit, and we shouldn’t be watching this on a Saturday night”

“Come on, Tay” Belly pleads. “You promised I could pick whatever we were going to watch tonight. And I don’t think I can handle another Michael B. Jordan movie, two is enough for one night”

“Hey! Take that back!” Taylor orders pointing her finger at Belly, who doesn’t stop her eye rolling. “That man is a godsend and we should really appreciate the whole thing while we still can. Besides, I’m not the only one watching a damn movie because of guy. At least I’m being honest about it”

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about”

Taylor glares at her best friend, not holding her cynical look. “Really, Belly?”

“Is this about Leo Dicaprio? Because I still have a crush on the younger version of him?” Belly questions, filling her mouth with popcorn.

“This has nothing to do with Leo, but this is about who looks like the younger version of him” Taylor raises her brows, moving around the couch to seat facing Belly.

“I don’t think Jere looks like Leo” Belly narrows her eyes, glancing at the TV, frozen at the scene where Dicaprio is wearing a tux.

“Good, because I wasn’t talking about Jeremiah” she smirks nodding to the TV and Belly sighs, not giving in.

“Taylor...”

 “Come on, Belly, you have to admit, that even if you’ve never noticed before, Conrad has all the vibes of a younger Leo”

Curling her lips into a thin line, Belly remains staring at the screen, where DiCaprio’s tuxedoed figure was frozen mid-scene. “You’re imagining things”

Taylor snorts, leaning back smugly. “Right, I’m imagining things and your infatuation about Titanic didn’t start at the same time as your crush on Conrad did”

“Taylor...” Belly mumbles and Taylor realizes it’s time to stop her bantering.

“Sorry” she relents, raising her hands in surrender “I know you’re with Jeremiah now but I can’t but wonder if you still haven’t moved on from the older broody brother”

“Taylor” Belly repeats and there’s a warning tone at her voice.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop” Taylor reaches for the remote, pressing play again. The room felt quiet, neither of them spoke until Taylor broke the silence. “I’ll shut up, I promise, but you have to agree with me” she pleads and Belly rolls her eyes.

“About what now?” Belly was fully aware where this was heading.

“About Leo and Conrad?” She offers, not hiding her excitement at her voice, the one she got from her realization. “They could pass as brothers and no one would bat an eye”

Belly huffs, crossing her arms at her chest. “I mean, the hair is kinda similar”

“Belly...”

Without another word, Belly grabs a pillow and hurls it at her friend, who dissolves into laughter. “God, I hate you and your need to be right!”

“I don’t have a need to be right, I am right. I’m a very wise woman” Belly can’t help her childish attitude, poking her tongue out at her friend. “It’s my gift. Poor Steven doesn’t stand a chance in any argument with me”

Belly groans, rubbing her face. “Can we please enjoy one night without remembering that you’re dating my brother?”

Before Taylor could respond, the shrill ring of a phone broke the moment. Both girls froze, their eyes darting toward the hallway. From the ring tone, it was Laurel’s.

Automatically Belly’s eyes go to her own phone, unblocking the screen to check the time. 11:47pm.

Nothing good can happen at 11:47pm.

Taylor noticed Belly’s demeanor change immediately. Her friend’s easygoing posture stiffened as her gaze darted to the hallway, keeping quiet, trying to understand her mother’s muffed voice, coming through her bedroom.

“Hey, you okay?” Taylor whispers, reaching for Belly’s hands.

She shrugs, squeezing back. “Yeah. I guess I’m just traumatized. After Susannah’s ... I mean, no one calls at this hour unless it’s urgent, right?”

Taylor gets it, the call her mother got announcing her grandmother’s death came at an hour just like this. The kind of call it can’t wait to be done.

“I get it, but it could also be nothing, Cinderbelly” she sends Belly a warm smile which her friend tries to replicate but fails anyway.

Suddenly Laurel’s voice stop and Belly tries to relax. If it was indeed urgent, her mother would have come down and shared what that call was about. But she doesn’t, and Belly settles at the couch.

“See? Nothing to worry about” Taylor says in a positive tone.

But half an hour later, their peace is disturbed by her mother coming down, dragging a small traveling bag with her.

“Mom?” Belly asks pausing the movie again, watching her mother check her purse. The strange feeling invading her stomach, alarming Belly of what she already knew. Something was not right.

Distracted, Laurel jumps at her voice, realizing the teenagers at her living room watching her act like a mad woman.

“Hey, girls. I totally forgot you guys were down here” she starts with a forced casualness that immediately set Belly on edge. Belly knows that voice. Laurel is about to give them some bad news.

“Mom, what’s going on?” Belly asks, trying to prepare herself for the worst.

Laurel stops for a minute, biting her lips and Belly realizes her mother is nervous. She almost never sees Laurel in this state, which worries her even more.

“I got a call” Laurel hesitates. “From a hospital in California ” she blurts out and suddenly, Belly is aware of her heartbeat because she can listen to it clearly in her head.

“What?” Belly gasps, not noticing Taylor’s hand on her shoulder. Without a word, Belly know what this is about. Conrad.

“Apparently, there was a car accident... and Conrad was involved” she manages to say and now Belly’s chest is aching.

Her throat feels closed and the air was now too thick to breath. She thinks of his brooding smile he used to send her at Cousins and his sad eyes the last time she saw him at the motel. It all came rushing back, suffocating her.

Swallowing her fear, Belly finds her voice. “How is he? Is he alright?”

“They didn’t say anything, they’re only giving me more information after I get there. I guess it’s standard policy” Laurel shrugs and starts playing with her keys but Belly can see that her hands her shaking.

Her mother, the one who never loses control, the one who drove Conrad to the hospital to fix a broken arm when he was kid because Susannah was too shaken to do it... Belly can’t help but compare the irony of this.

“And they called you? I mean, not his father or Jeremiah?” Taylor asks from her place, her hand running up and down at Belly’s arm, trying to sooth her.

“I’m his emergency contact” Laurel replies, not really thinking much of it.

Belly is pretty sure this was not news to Laurel, in fact, she could bet on her mother already knowing and agreeing with it. Laurel never liked Adam much.

“Listen, I’ve gotta go now. I managed to find a flight that leaves in a couple of hours so as soon as I get there, I’ll be able to tell you more” Laurel says, her voice clipped as she adjusted the strap of her bag.

“Wait, what about Jere? Does he know?” Belly worries about her boyfriend and certainly doesn’t want to be the one to tell him.

“I’ll call him and Adam on my way to the airport. And your father, I don’t like the idea of you alone in here” Belly opens her mouth to protests but it’s too late, her mother is already at the door. “Talk to you later”

And like that, Laurel is gone and the house is silent. The irony of the sinking ship at the TV is not missed by her. A tragedy. Just like she’s living right now.

“Belly...” Taylor whispers, watching her friend’s eyes watering. “How are you feeling, honey?”

Biting her lips, and not avoiding the tears that start rolling down her face, she tries to speaks. “Like I can’t breathe”

Sinking deeper and deeper at the couch, Belly hugs her knees, her figure getting smaller and smaller.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Taylor offers and Belly shakes her head, burying it against her knees.

She doesn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t want to talk about the sweet and broody boy she grew up with, the one that taught her how to dance. The one that is possibly hurt right now, lying at the hospital bed.

She doesn’t want to talk about the man he has become, the one who whispered sweet nothings at her ear that December night at the beach house. The one that broke her heart and had his broken by her. Belly shudders at the thought of another part of him hurt.

She can’t talk about him.

She just can’t.

“What do you want me to do? What do you need? ” Taylor tries again, in a soft voice, scared by not knowing what to do.

Taking a deep breath, Belly uses the back of her hand to wipe her cheeks. “Right now, I need you to text Steven, tell him what happened. He’ll want to know”

Taylor reaches for her phone. “Got it. What else?”

“I want you to find me a flight to California as soon as possible while I pack” Belly continues, getting up from the couch.

“What? Belly, you can’t go” the blonde argues, frowning at her.

“Of course I can. It’s Conrad” Belly shrugs, like she’s saying the most obvious thing in the world.

“I’m aware it’s Conrad but still... Belly, you can’t catch a plane to the other side of the country. I mean, you have school on Monday and your mother said she was going to call your father to stay with you, which means she doesn’t want you there. She will kill you if –“

“Taylor!” Belly yells, interrupting her friend. “I don’t care about school or what my mother thinks right now. You asked about what I needed, and that’s what I need. I need to be in a plane to California. I need to be with Jere in this moment, but mostly, I need to be with Conrad... he’s... he’s family” Belly ends tiredly and Taylor gives a sympathetic look.

“Honey...”

“I can’t lose him, Tay... I mean, I already lost him but not like this. I can’t lose him for good”

Taylor understands what she’s saying. Belly can’t live in a world where Conrad Fisher doesn’t exist. She was telling the truth, he’s family to her, and Taylor knows he’s so much more.

Belly was aware that right now, the only thing she could be to him was family. They were no longer lovers or friends – he still hasn’t replied any of her texts and Belly just stopped trying. But he’s still the boy that spent every summer of her life with her. Right now, they could be family. And in the future, Belly hoped they could be friends again. If a future was still available for them.

Nodding her head, Taylor unblocks her phone. “You go pack. I’ll find you that flight, then I’ll tell Steven and probably look for a flight for him too. He’ll want to be there”

“Thanks” she breathes out “I’ll call my dad and ask him to help me out”

Taylor hesitates, her fingers hovering over her phone. “I just... I don’t want you to get hurt, Belly. Are you sure about this?”

With watered eyes, Belly gives her a knowing look. “It’s Conrad, Tay”

And that is enough explanation for Taylor.

“Okay, but what about your mom?”

“Hopefully she’s too busy trying to reach out to Adam and Jere and didn’t inform my dad. I’ll try my chances”

Sending her friend a thankful smile, Belly runs upstairs doing as she was told. An hour later she finds herself inside of her dad’s car, biting her nails the entire drive, too anxious to actually care about how mad her parents will be when they find out about how she tricked her dad into helping her travel to another state.

She didn’t have the luxury of second-guessing herself now.

 Her phone buzzed repeatedly in her bag, likely texts from Steven or Jeremiah. She glanced at the screen briefly, catching snippets of messages: Where are you? What’s going on? Call me. But her hands were too shaky to reply.

Her plane lands at 12pm and under the hot California’s sun, Belly starts to feel her body weighing in, after not sleeping during her flight. She’s so distracted that she doesn’t care about the high velocity speed of her cab driver, or that she hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday and her brain only returns to her body when the car stops in front of the hospital Jeremiah told her Conrad was admitted to.

Carrying her backpack, the same she brought with her when Jeremiah called her saying Conrad was missing, she enters the hospital, calling her mother.

“Hey, bean” Laurel greets with a tired voice and Belly knows she’s not the only one who managed to not close their eyes at night. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier”

“It’s okay” Belly dismisses looking around her. “What floor are you in? I asked about Conrad at the reception but they’re not telling me anything since I’m not family”

On the other side, Laurel gasps. “What? Belly, what are you – “ her mother stops talking and Belly knows she’s counting till ten inside her head. “Please, tell me you didn’t fly all the way to California all by yourself without checking with me first”

“Just tell me the floor, mom” Belly pleads and after another pause, an answer.

“The seventh”

Belly runs to the first elevator she finds, fidgeting while the doors close, and when they open again, it’s her mother’s angry face she sees.

Like finding water in the middle of the desert, Belly runs to her mom, hugging her hard and the sobs starts shaking her body. Her daughter crying crumbles her, making Laurel forget what she was mad about.

“Oh bean” she hums, her fingers running through Belly’s hair. She moves them to nearest couch she finds, not letting go of her youngest child. After awhile, Belly lifts her head and Laurel hates the sight of her red and puffy eyes.

“I’m sorry, mom” she sobs. “I’m really sorry but I needed to do this”

“I get it, bean” Laurel dries Belly’s tears with her hands. “I don’t approve it but I get it”

“How is he?” She asks sniffing, afraid of the answer.

“He’s fine now” Laurel says with a tired smile. “A drunk driver hit him last night, when he was driving back to campus. He has a few broken bones, an ugly cut at his chest so they had to stitch him up. But besides two broken ribs and a broken leg, he’s fine. The doctors are keeping him in here for a few more days but that’s it”

Belly releases a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. Suddenly her tears are back and this time, they were relieved kind of tears.

“Oh my God” Belly exhales, letting the air fill her lungs. She closes her eyes for a second. Conrad was alive. And he was going to be fine.

“It’s okay, bean. You can let it out now”

“He’s fine” she repeats. “He’s going to be fine”

“Yes, he is. And you’re still in big trouble, young lady” Laurek reprimands. She rubs her face, letting out a tired sigh. “God, you and your brother will give me a heart attack one of these days”

“Have you seen him?” Belly questions, watching the hallway filled with nurses and doctors and wonders which room was his.

“Yes, I had just left his room when you called. The doctor said he needed to do a few more tests and I wanted to give him privacy. And he will probably sleep through the rest of the day, he was complaining about the pain and the nurse was about to give him some medication that will knock him out for a few hours” Laurel notices Belly’s eyes wandering and sighs. “You don’t have to worry, he’s being taken good care of. He’s alright”

“Yeah, I guess” Belly replies not really paying attention, then shifts her body to her mother. “Do you think I can see him when the doctor’s done?”

“Belly...” Laurel starts, her eyes watching her agonizing face.

“Come on, mom” Belly pleads. This time her mother would not be able to say no to her. And chained to a hospital bed, Conrad would be forced to talk to her, or at least, listen to what she had to say. Not that she had a lot to say – most of it had been said that day at the motel. But she missed him, and hates that he hasn’t replied to any of her texts. The radio silence was slowly killing her.

She misses the nights when they were still together and he would call everyday before going to bed. Belly was aware of his distate of calling when it was so much easier sending a text, but he did anyway because Conrad wanted to hear her voice. And they would talk for hours, her telling him about her day, him telling her about his, until she would let a yawn out and they would say goodbye.

It was so easy talking to him.

She talks to Jeremiah. Not with the same frequency as she did with Conrad. But Belly understands, college is still a new thing for Jere and he was a social butterfly, he didn’t have time to speak with his girlfriend all the time.

But she still misses talking to Conrad. Her Connie. And this time, he would have to talk to her. For God’s sake, she took a plane to see him, it was the bare minimum he could do.

But her mother doesn’t seem to share her thoughts.

“Bean... I don’t think that’s a good idea” Laurel says apologetic, cringing at every word that comes out of her mouth.

“What? Why not?” her voice rises a few octaves without Belly even noticing.

“Tone it down, Belly, we’re in the middle of a hospital, for Christ’s sake” Laurel reprimands her but her daughter doesn’t even look embarrassed. “Listen... when I was in his room earlier, I mentioned how worried everyone was and when my phone rang, he made a joke about Steven driving me nuts for news about him but then, I said it was probably you, wanting to know about him. So he asked me if I had brought you with me” Laurel stops, fidgeting with her hands.

Narrowing her eyes, Belly starts fidgeting too. “Why do I have the feeling that you are stalling me?”

Exhaling, Laurel continues. “Conrad didn’t let me finish... He started getting agitated and when I tried to calm him down, saying that I’ve left you at home, he admitted that he was relieved that you weren’t here with me. That he wasn’t ready to see you here”

“What?” Belly manages, words barely whisper at her mouth. “He doesn’t want to see me?”

That hurts more than Belly imagined it would. A world where Conrad didn’t want to see her, was a place Belly didn’t want to live. And this time, Belly wonders how deeply she had hurt him, when she thought his love for her was not that strong.

His broken words at the beach echoes inside her head. “I thought you knew! From the moment we kissed on the beach I thought you knew!”

Maybe she didn’t.

Then, his face watching her kissing his brother, in front of his car, while waiting for him to finish the test she’d helped him study for.

Maybe she never knew how deeply she could hurt a person until she hurt him.

Seeing her daughter’s state, Laurel squeezes her upper arm. “It’s not that he doesn’t want to see you, bean. He’s just not ready for it”. Noticing her words didn’t have the effect she was expecting, Laurel tries to change subject. “Anyway, it was really nice of you, to come here. I’ll be sure to tell him that and how much you wanted to see him”

Belly doesn’t budge and Laurel can see a pout forming. And when her daughter decides to not to use her voice, Laurel decides to fill the silence with her own. “So, I haven’t managed to talk to Adam yet, I’m pretty sure that idiotic man is ignoring my calls on purpose, but I did talk to Jeremiah and he was on his way here. Did you let your brother know or do I have to call him too?”

Breaking her stupor, Belly clears her throat. “Yeah, Steven knows and he’s flying here too”

“What?” Laurel gasps again, shaking her head. “So another one of my kids flew around the country without consulting with me first. I’m going to win ‘The Mother of the Year’ award this time”

“Sorry” Belly repeats, aware that she wasn’t responsible for her brother’s actions but still wanted to be on her mother’s goodside. “His plane has probably landed now. I texted him the address and the floor we’re in. But dad knew where I was the entire time, he was the one who drove me to the airport”

“Unbelievable” Laurel mutters, but her attention is robbed by a door opening in the hallway, and a doctor leaving the room walking towards the nurse station. If Belly had to guess, that was probably where Conrad was staying. “Belly, will you give me a minute? I still wanted to talk to Conrad’s doctor about a few things. Will you be okay by yourself?” She asks eyeing the doctor and misses Belly nodding.

Being alone by herself was not easy as she thought. The sound of her mother talking helped keeping her mind occupied, but now, all Belly can thing is the white door, just a few meters from where she is and who is behind it.

And when she’s about to lose her fight and walk towards the door, she feels a presence in the seat next to her. Glacing at her side, Belly notices Steven panting.

“Dude, the traffic is insane. I had to walk an entire block here because I couldn’t stand being in that cab any longer” he complains, setling in. “So? Have you heard from him?”

Belly takes a deep breath, crossing her legs. “It was a drunk driver but he’s okay. Mom said he has some broken bones and they’re still keeping him for a few nights but he’s okay”

Steven exhales and Belly knows he’s as relieved as she was when she heard the news. “Thank God. So he’s good for now?”

“Yep. Alive and breathing” she mumbles, crossing her arms at her chest. “Alive, breathing and still not wanting anything to do with me”

Steven pauses his texting, hearing her words. “So you haven’t seen him yet?”

“He doesn’t know that I’m here but when mom mentioned me and that I was at home... apparently he said something like being relieved that he didn’t have to deal with me” the words left a sour taste at her mouth.

Uncomfortable at his seat, Steven seems to digest the news. “Those were his exact words?”

“I don’t know, Steven” Belly snaps. “All I know is that mom practically forbidden me of going inside that room because Conrad doesn’t want to see me. Which I’ll ignore and will do anyway” her mind was already set and the older Fisher boy would just have to deal with it.

With a sigh, Steven drops his phone at his leg, glaring at her. “If that’s what he wants, I don’t think you should go in”

She glares back, defying him. “And I think you should take care of your own life, which I don’t tell you how to live”

“Belly...”

“Not you too, Steven. Come on, this is getting ridiculous. You’re all acting like I’m a bad witch who is about to destroy his life with a poisoned apple” she vents, frustration implied in every word. “He’s a big boy, we grew up together and he can handle hold a conversation with me”

“That’s the thing, Bells, I don’t know if he can” Steven confesses. With a tired sigh, he glares at her inquisitive eyes. “Last summer... he wasn’t okay”

“I know that” Belly interrupts him but Steven shakes his head, stopping her.

“No, you don’t. Because all you saw of him last summer, shit, the last two summers, was all facade he put up with so no one would notice how bad he was”

“What are you talking about?”

Steven swallows before speaking. “Do you remember the first night at the beach house, when Taylor and I arrived and we decided to watch a movie? Conrad didn’t last five minutes before I saw him run to the beach. He was having a panic attack”

“What?” Belly’s heart crumbles imagining the scene inside her head.

“It was so scary... seeing him like that, the guy that I’ve always looked up to... completely wrecked. And when the whole thing stopped, we talked and he confessed that he was having those panic attacks ever since he found out about Susannah’s cancer coming back”

Belly vaguely remembers buying party supplies with Conrad and he mentioning that he had a panic attack on Susannah’s funeral and that’s why Aubrey was with him. At the time, Belly dismissed the information, her mind was already made and she was certain a relationship with him was not possible anymore.

“He said he had one at Susannah’s funeral but I thought it was an one time thing” she mumbles, feeling the guilt of not paying more attention to him sinking in.

“Unfortunately no. Do you remember when mom traveled to California, right after Thanksgiving? She figured something wasn’t right with him and finally convinced him to go to therapy” Steven admits and Belly tries to ignore the feeling of being left out. She should’ve known he was in to therapy. Someone should’ve told her but no one did.

“So he’s better now?”

“I guess” he shrugs and Belly wants to slap him for not sharing more information. “I know he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I guess it often led him to those panic attacks. And I know he’s on some medication to treat those things, but that’s it. I was planning to find out more next weekend, I told him I was coming to visit and he sounded excited about it”

“You were going to visit him and not say a word?”

“Yeah, I was” he confirms unapologetic and she scoffs. “Belly, from what I gathered, he’s finally getting better. So do him a favor, and respect his wishes. Damn, if not for him, at least think about the progress he has made. And I know you’re upset about the whole thing but this is not gonna last forever. But until that, let him be. He deserves that. ”

Not content with his plead, Belly nods but her face clearly shows how unsatisfied she is with the agreement. But then, two words from Steven’s speech that she had let it pass cross her mind. “Depression and anxiety, you said?”

“Yes. For two years now. All by himself” he mumbles “But it’s Conrad we’re talking about. If anyone can deal with this kind of shit for two years without asking or accepting anyone’s help, it’s him”

“And I’ve never noticed” she whispers to herself. “I mean, I knew there was something wrong with him but never this”

“He never wanted anyone to notice” he corrects her. “Don’t feel bad about it, Conrad’s specialties are pushing people away when he needs them most and taking care of his loved ones. He said he didn’t want to be a burden. My guess is that if I had never caught him at the beach that night and told mom afterwards, we would never know he was struggling”

“You think Jere doesn’t know either?” Belly sincerely hopes he doesn’t, because otherwise, she would be pissed at him knowing and not doing anything to help his brother.

Steven shakes his head. “As far as I know, me and mom are the only people he told about”

Her mother’s protectiveness of him made much more sense now. One of Susannah’s boys was suffering and Laurel felt the need to care for him, like she knew her best friend wanted her to.

Belly still remembers the promise she had made to Susannah. And boy, she was failing miserably at it.

Steven yawns next her, reaching for his phone again. “Have you talked to Jere? He has been texting me like crazy, saying you stopped answering him?”

Belly shakes her head, lost in thoughts. “No, I guess my phone died right after I got here. My battery was pretty low at the plane”

“Okay, just let me try call him, it will be better to explain everything and tell him Conrad is doing fine”

Steven stands, moving closer to one of the windows, his back facing her.

Being alone again is not good for Belly. This time, with the new information she’s just received, it’s like her mind can’t calm down. Like in a movie, she starts reminiscing every conversation she had with Conrad, every word, every move, wondering how she didn’t see it. Now that Steven had shared the truth, is like the puzzle is finally complete.

Instantly, Belly knows why this version of Conrad was so different from the one she grew up with. And now, she understands him a little bit better, the way he acted at prom, at the funeral, or even his lack of words during his last calls. She wants to slap herself for not noticing earlier, too focused on finally getting the guy to pay more attention to the signs he was giving her.

God, the funeral. She reminisces the part where she told him to go to hell with a cringe. How could she do that?

More than ever, all she wants to do is talk to him. Apologize and say that she wants to be there for him, help him get better, and promise to try her best to mend their broken friendship. All she needs is a chance, and Belly would say a prayer every night if Conrad gives her one.

Realizing how close she is to him at the moment, and how she might never have this opportunity again – at least not soon – Belly checks her right, seeing that her brother is still busy with Jeremiah, and at her left, her mother is still talking to the doctor. Leaving her backpack at the couch Steven was seated, Belly stands and walks rapidly to the door she remembered seeing Conrad’s doctor leaving and decides to take a chance.

Without knocking, she barges in, closing the door right after, and lets out a relieved sigh when she sees him lying at his bed. To her disappointment, Conrad is sleeping, just like Laurel told her he would, and Belly is sure the meds he’s on are pretty strong, at least strong enough to the sound of the door opening not be able to wake him.

Since he was sleeping and her plan would not work like this, Belly goes for the door, deciding it would be better to return later. But like an invisible string tying her to him, she stops at the door handle, glancing at him.

He’s still asleep, so she uses the opportunity to get closer to him, with soft and slow steps, afraid that he would wake up and throw her out of his room. Getting closer, Belly notices the cast at his right leg, and a few cuts at his arms and face.

The last time he had a broken limb with a cast, she left her name written with a pink pen and a heart on the side. She feels sour taste in her mouth when she realizes her name won’t be in this one.

Without noticing, her tears are back but she doesn’t bother drying them, not afraid of seeming weak. It’s been months since she last saw his face and the last memory she had of him, didn’t make him justice. Even injured, she still thinks he is one of the most good looking guy she has ever seen. She might be biased since he was her first love, but Belly doesn’t care. She just missed his face.

Swallowing, she gazes at his hair, noticing is longer now and chuckles lightly, remembering Taylor’s words. Last night seemed like a year ago to her.

Pushing her luck, Belly pushes his hair off his forehead carefully, aware that he always hates it falling at his face. Belly wonders why he let it grow in the first place but she knows that this kind of information doesn’t belong to her now.

When Conrad doesn’t move, still seemingly asleep, Belly brushes a soft kiss at one of his cheeks, deciding now is enough.

Walking back to her way out, she stops again at the door, whispering a “I’m really sorry, Con”, before opening and leaving him behind.

And this time, she would respect his wishes. No more calls or no more texts. The next time she would hear from him, it would be because he wanted it to.

And God, Belly sends a prayer up above, begging that doesn’t take too long.

 

I bet you think

I either moved on or hate you

‘Cause each time you reach out

There’s no reply

I bet it never, ever occurred to you

That I can’t say hello to you

And risk another goodbye

– I almost do, by Taylor Swift

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

So, the cat is finally out...
Tell me your thoughts about it and see
you all next chapter ❤️

Chapter 3: Hits different

Notes:

Hello, everyone!
I love reading your thoughts about Belly on your comments and I'm so glad we're on the same page 😂

This one is based on Hits different, by Taylor Swift

I find the artifacts, cried over a hat

Cursed the space that I needed

I trace the evidence, make it make some sense

Why the wound is still bleedin'

You were the one that I loved

Don't need another metaphor, it's simple enough

A wrinkle in time like the crease by your eyes

This is why they shouldn't kill off the main guy

 

– Hits different, by Taylor Swift 

 

Heartbreaks. Belly was kind of used to them now. 

She could practically write a book about it. Ten ways to mend your heart after having it broken by the first guy you’ve ever loved. 

It would be a best seller. 

At least all the pain she had endured wouldn’t have been for nothing. 

She could ask Laurel for tips, go to a writers retreat and maybe read some online reviews about how her story helped millions of people around the world. People that had their heart broken just like she did. 

It would be awesome.

But for now, while her book is still happening in her life, helping her best friend would have to be enough. 

Sighing, Belly enters her room, plopping herself down, lying at the floor next to Taylor. She opens the tub of ice cream she stole from the kitchen, passing her best friend one of the two spoons she brought with her. Placing the dessert in the middle of them, they start devouring it while Taylor Swift's songs plays in the background.

Out of the corner of her eye, she notices her friend staring at the ceiling, almost catatonic.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Belly whispers, watching her friend breathing in and out calmly. 

Taylor shakes her head, fidgeting with her spoon. “Not really. I mean, you’re his sister and I don’t to make it weird for you” 

“It’s not weird at all” Belly lies and Taylor glares at her. “Fine, it is kind of weird but you’re my best friend, your place at my ranking is definitely higher than his” 

Taylor chuckles, turning to her. “You’re not serious” 

“Oh no, I am completely serious” Belly shakes her head, facing Taylor. “You can say whatever you want about Steven, and I bet I can probably say things ten times worse. I’m your best ally in this fight” 

Taylor swallows, her smile fading out. “We didn’t break up because of the bad things... It was really stupid but I guess it was time” she shrugs.

Two hours ago, Taylor sent Belly one simple text.

Steven and I are over.

With a sigh, Belly told her to come over, and since Taylor had arrived at her place, the blonde hadn't said a word about the break up. But there was a lot of crying involved, which scared Belly a little. Taylor was not the type of girl who cries over a break up. She’s the kind of girl that texts Belly inviting her to the mall to buy cute dresses to a party she wants to go to, because she wants a new Instagram photo to make her ex jealous.

That’s Taylor. Not this version of her best friend Belly is having difficulty to recognize. 

“Do you think it’s permanent?” Belly asks carefully.

Taylor pouts and Belly is worried that the tears might come back. “Honestly? I don’t know” 

“I didn’t know you guys were having problems. You never said anything” 

“They were not big issues, you know? Just small things that usually come out in a relationship. And the long distance thing was finally something we were able to manage but...” 

Belly notices her hesitation. “What?” 

Taylor lets her eyes wander around the room, replaying the fight in her head.

“We started to talk about the future, and Steven has everything mapped out while I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. And I don’t know why, but I mentioned something about going to college single... God, I don’t even know what I was thinking when I said that but things escalated pretty quickly and then we were over” 

Belly frowns, confused about the whole thing. “Just like that?” 

“Just like that” Taylor nods. “We both said some horrible things, Belly. And I don’t know if we can come back from this” 

“It can’t be that bad” 

“It can. And I know that because of how shitty I’m feeling right now” Taylor whines, and Belly slips closer, hugging her best friend.

“Oh Tay” 

Taylor sniffs, letting her head rest at Belly’s shoulders. 

“God, I hate this” she groans, sniffing right after. “How did you manage to survive this? Because it feels like I can’t stop crying” 

“You mean how did I get over my break up with Conrad?” Belly asks, running her hand through Taylor’s hair. “Because that didn’t work very well for me” 

Her mother probably still had a word or two to say about how well Belly handled the break up at Susannah’s funeral. And they were not good words.

“You know, probably the one good thing about ending things is that I won’t have to keep listening to Steven rant about how he still is team Conrad” Taylor mumbles against Belly’s shirt. “The guy could be so annoying, thinking he knows about everything”

Belly but her tongue, avoiding the comment that Taylor also had the tendency of thinking she was always right. 

Pausing her hands, Belly ponders Taylor’s words. “Wait a minute, what did you just said? Steven thinks Conrad was the right guy for me?” 

“Oh yeah, he has a whole speech ready about it” Taylor rolls her eyes. “And not was, he’s still certain that you’ve made the wrong choice and can’t shut up about it with me” 

Noticing Belly’s silence, Taylor slips away, sitting against the bed and Belly follows her lead. “You know what? Forget I said anything and ignore Steven. You’re an adult and you know what’s best for you. In fact, I think you’ve made the right choice. You and Jere are perfect for each other” 

Sending her a soft smile, Belly hugs her knees. “I’m not worried about it. And I guess it makes sense that Steven would root for him. Growing up, Conrad was like Steven’s hero” 

“I know” Taylor nods, realizing Belly’s demeanor had changed. “It’s kind of annoying but I got used to it. I mean, I grew up listening to you describe lonely boy as a prince charming” 

Belly rolls her eyes at Taylor. “Steven never mentioned anything with me. And I thought he liked Jeremiah” 

“He does, he’s just sure Jeremiah isn’t what you need” 

Belly scoffs. “And what I need is Conrad?” 

“Steven said you needed someone who challenges you. And apparently Conrad is pretty good at it” Taylor mumbles, reading her friend’s face. “Come on, Belly. Just do it, we both know you’re dying to do it” 

Belly frowns, huffing. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” 

Taylor refrain rolling her eyes. “Please, distract me from my drama by talking about yours” she begs, wiping her face with her hands. “Ask me about him. We both know you’re dying to hear if I have any news about him and I’m pretty sure neither Steven or Laurel tells you anything” 

Belly deflects her eyes, embarrassed. “It’s ridiculous. I already promised I wouldn’t try to talk to him again but they’re still keeping me in the dark” Belly complains, crossing her arms at her chest. 

“What about Jeremiah? He never mentions his brother?” 

“Not really,” she shrugs. “They weren’t close when they were little and me dating both of them didn’t exactly helped bringing them together” 

“Hey, that’s not your fault” Taylor soothes her, laying her hand on Belly's arm. “They are big boys, they should be able to work things out between and still be able to coexist in the same room” 

“I’m not completely innocent in this too, Tay. I should’ve guessed this would happen, choosing Conrad or Jeremiah” Belly admits, looking down. “The truth is that I made matters worse” 

“What do you mean?”

“Growing up, Conrad was always Adam’s favorite, his pride and joy, you know? He wouldn’t even care to pretend that he loved Jere in the same way, always putting more and more pressure to turn Conrad into his perfect son” Belly recalls, analyzing every move of Adam’s whenever he showed up at the beach house. “His kids would worship the ground he walked on but he never had nice words for them. Jeremiah was almost invisible to him while Conrad was the target of his speeches, always saying that he could do better, that he should be better at everything. And in the end, he turned one against the other” 

“What a jerk,” Taylor comments with a grimace. 

“Agreed. But his control over Conrad stopped when he found out about the affair and finally started noticing how Adam treated Susannah. But he never said anything to Jere because he didn’t want him to hate his only living parent, so Jeremiah is still oblivious to everything. And I guess this is why Jere never told me anything about Conrad, because he doesn’t know” 

“You think Conrad kept him in the dark too” Taylor guesses and Belly nods. 

“I do. He probably doesn’t want Jere to worry. It’s Conrad’s nature. Or his father’s shadow crippling over him, still trying to make him perfect” she breathes out. “So, how is he?” she asks carefully, but anxious to hear the answer.

Sending her friend a condescending smile, Taylor sighs. “He’s good, I guess, at least that’s what I gathered from Steven’s words” 

“He still doesn't want to see me?” Belly asks, quietly. Conrad avoiding her is still a delicate topic for her. 

Taylor looks down and Belly already knows the answer. “To be honest, I don't know. Steven never brought it up again” 

Belly huffs. “This is punishment. He's acting like I'm the bad guy just because I chose his brother” 

When Taylor doesn't agree with her immediately, which was usually her pattern, she narrows her eyes at her. 

Sensing the scrutiny, Taylor shrugs. “What?” 

“Well, I don't know if it's the break up or there's something wrong with you. By now, you should've been trashing Conrad, calling him names and everything just like you always do” she comments, finding her behavior peculiar.

“Hey, you're making me sound like a villain” she protests. 

“You called him Prince Asshole and Emo Gatsby in our last sleepover” Belly recalls and Taylor huffs.

“Listen, I regret that now, okay? And I'm not his biggest fan but from what I heard from Steven, he wasn't okay. So if he needs some space, let him be” 

Belly gasps, not recognizing Taylor. “There’s definitely something wrong. You're on his side” 

“I'm on your side, which is why I'm telling you, let Conrad be” Taylor pleads. “He had some issues even before things went to shit, and I guess they only got worse. He lost the girl he loves to his brother and watched you two make out in front of his car, let him take a beat, Belly, that is, if you still want him in your life in the future” 

Letting Taylor’s words sink in, Belly feels her throat tight. Yes, she was aware that her choices had hurt him, but she also got bruised in the process. 

All of the sudden, that gut-wrenching feeling, the one had clung to her since California, rushes back in. How bad had things really gotten for Conrad? Did she make things worse? And the guilt gnawing at her, how could she not notice anything?

“Please don't shut me out” 

“I feel like it just keep disappointing you” 

His words from prom night echoes painfully in her mind again.

“Then just stop acting like this and come back inside with me” 

“I can't. I just can't” 

Snapping back to the present, she asks. “And therapy? He’s still going?” 

“Yep. Taking his meds too. He’s at a good place I guess. Steven even thinks he has a girlfriend now” Taylor comments the last part on purpose, watching how Belly’s face changes at her words.

Shifting uncomfortably at her place, Belly swallows hard. “A girlfriend, huh?” 

“Steven is not sure because Conrad keeps denying it, but apparently he saw some girl wandering at Conrad’s bedroom during FaceTime and he says he heard her laughing at the back the last time they talked through the phone” she stops, tapping her finger against her chin. “I think I remember her name... Agnes. Steven said something like Agnes, I guess” 

Belly tries to bite her tongue strong enough so she wouldn’t care about the weird feeling at her stomach at the moment. This shouldn’t bother her. She’s dating his brother and she doesn’t love him anymore, at least not like this. Things were over between them. 

So why she has this strange urge to run to the toilet and throw up? Why her hands suddenly got colder and her heart racing inside her chest?

Watching Belly, Taylor wonders if her best friend had indeed made the right choice. Wanting to test her a little more, she makes an offer. “We can stalk her on Instagram if you want. It would be a nice distraction for me” 

Belly shakes her head, putting a fake smile at her face. “No, this has nothing to do with me anymore. Conrad’s personal life or who he dates... that’s his business, not mine” 

Shrugging, Taylor lays her head at the bed. “Suit yourself. But If you change your mind just keep an eye on Steven's stories this weekend. He’s flying to California to celebrate Conrad’s birthday. I’m pretty sure the girl will show up at any point” 

Conrad’s birthday. Belly froze, she had totally forgotten and Jeremiah never said a word about it. 

For the first time since they were little, Belly didn’t call or leave Conrad a message at his birthday. The weird feeling at her stomach is replaced by guilt, realizing how many traditions they had been breaking since Susannah died. 

Belly forgot about his birthday but can only hope other people remembered it and gave him a nice day. The first one after Susannah’s death. He deserved an amazing birthday. If they were still friends, she would have tried her best, aiming to put a smile at that broody face. Steven at least remembered his birthday, and she’s certain he tried to do that, and if Belly had to guess, that Agnes girl did too. 

God, she was a horrible friend. If she could still be considered his friend.

Taylor snaps her fingers in front of Belly’s face bringing her back to reality. “Where did you go, Cinderbelly?” 

“I just realized I missed Conrad’s birthday... for the first time in my life, I forgot about it” 

Taylor raises her head, studying Belly. “You know, I never told you but Steven was my first crush. It was not something intense like you had with Conrad but still, he was my first crush, my first love” 

“I didn’t know” 

“It’s okay, I never told you and made sure to keep this to myself. But my point is, if you can forget about Conrad for a day, it means there’s still hope for me. It means that this pain I’m feeling right now won’t last forever, right?” 

Belly wants to say she was wrong. She wants to yell at her of how much pain she felt just now, thinking about her first love with another girl. Belly wants to grab Taylor by the shoulders and say that the sadness she’s feeling now is nothing compared to what she felt at Susannah’s funeral, watching the man she loved lying at some other girl’s lap. 

But she won’t. Taylor doesn’t deserve to have this kind of frustration today. So Belly puts a soft smile on her face, and rubs her friend's knee. 

“In a way, I know I’ll always love Conrad. He was my first love so he will always have a place in my heart. But yes, it will get easier. It will be an ordinary day, you will wake up in the morning and realize your heart doesn’t hurt anymore, not like it used to. And you will go on with your life, and find someone awesome who will help mend every little piece of your heart that was still broken and you didn’t notice before” Belly winks.

“Thanks, honey,” Taylor says with a pout. Belly rubs her upper arm, trying to comfort her friend when Taylor’s phone startles them both, buzzing at the floor. Leaning her neck, Taylor gasps. “Oh my God. Oh my God. That’s Steven”

Chuckling and marveling at this new version of her friend Belly is just finding out. “Come on, check it. End this torture, please” 

Biting her nails, Taylor reaches for iPhone, widening her eyes at every word she reads. “He says he’s sorry and asks if I want to talk” 

At her silence, Belly nudges her. “And? What are you waiting for?” 

Swallowing, Taylor’s eyes leave the screen, allowing Belly to see fear at them. “I mean, I don’t know. Do I want to talk to him?” 

“I think you do,” Belly suggests, nodding to the phone.

“I think I do too” Taylor confesses and Belly laughs. “God, what happened to me?” She groans.

“You’re in love, Tay” Belly sing-songs and her friend rolls her eyes. 

“Ugh, stop” 

“Welcome to the land of the people that allows themselves to feel vulnerable enough to care for someone else. It sucks but it's fun. Sometimes. Now, go talk to my brother” she bosses and Taylor huffs.

“Fine. But just for the record, he was the first to cave in” Taylor says, trying to hide a smile. Standing and bringing the phone with her, she winks at Belly. “I’m going to call him, do you think Laurel will mind if I use Steven’s room for this?” 

“Of course not. But you can call him from here, I can give you space to talk” 

Hesitating at the door, Taylor bites her lip. “Umm, I think it’s better if I use Steven’s room” 

Finally understanding her friend’s innuendo, Belly groans. “That’s just... so gross. You two are gross” 

Giggling, Taylor blows her a kiss. Almost leaving, she stops at the threshold. “Hey, Cinderbelly? Thanks for being here for me” 

Dismissing it with her hand, Belly sends her a smile. “Just go. Steven is not exactly Mr. Patience” 

Finally alone, Belly can hear Taylor’s voice echoing in the hallway before it fades. She reaches for the now almost melted chocolate ice cream, ending it since her friend wouldn’t be needing it anymore apparently. 

Sighing, her eyes drift to her own phone, Taylor’s words repeating inside her head.

She hesitates on what she should do. Belly knows better than check Conrad’s profile every once and a while, and it’s not like it’s a sacrifice or a noble attitude, he’s just that kind of guy that never posts anything in social media. In fact, if Belly still remembers correctly, his last pic was posted when Susannah was still alive and they were still dating. A photo of him and his mother, standing side by side at the deb ball. Susannah had a proud smile on her face, and if Belly had to guess, seconds before it was taken, she was bragging about how handsome her boy looked. And she was right, for Belly, Conrad was the definition of charming and painfully beautiful.

She still has beautiful memories of that night. It was magical, until it wasn’t. 

Belly was sure Conrad hadn’t updated his feed, but if she was wrong and he had posted anything, she knows this girl won’t be in any picture. He’s not the type to kiss and tell. 

Feeling her cheeks turning pink, embarrassed at her own lack of control, Belly opens her Instagram app. She searches for his name, an easy thing since she was still following him, and her eyes confirm what she already knew, no new photos. 

Wanting to slap herself, she checks for any new pics he was tagged at and finds four, every single one containing a smiling Conrad, holding a red cup at different parties. This warms her heart, it felt like so long she saw that look at his face, a relaxing one. And even though Belly is aware of how good at pretending Conrad was, she has the feeling that this time, his face was telling the truth, he was indeed happy at those moments.

Checking the most recent photo, Belly notices a girl a little too close to him. Her arm was hugging his neck, standing at his back while laying a kiss at his cheek. His hair was shorter than the last time Belly saw his sleeping form at the hospital bed, and he doesn’t seem bothered at how close the girl is. Without noticing, Belly’s eyes go to the username, and her heart drops reading it. 

Agnes. 

So this beautiful girl wrapping her arm around him was Agnes. Gorgeous, confident, perfectly-composed Agnes was the one that was now tagging Conrad in her posts.

Looking back, Belly noticed she’d been in the other photos too, always near him. 

This shouldn’t be news to her, before their relationship, Conrad always had a girl following him like a lost puppy, even if most times, he never showed any interest in them. He was like a magnet, a beautiful brooding and mysterious boy, girls would feel lucky if he ever gave them seconds of his attention. The worst part is that Belly was almost sure he never realized the power he had over them. Over her. 

And apparently, over this girl. 

Swallowing hard the rising nausea that made its comeback, her eyes glare at Agnes’s beautiful smile, the way her hair falls perfectly at her shoulders with no effort, and how in another pic, he had his arms around her waist. 

God, she shouldn’t feel like this. 

Of course he was going to move on from her at some point, he deserved to. And a part of her feels genuinely happy for him, seeing how good he is and how he’s improving, even if he’s doing all of it away from her and without her presence in any form. 

And she has a boyfriend. His brother, for God’s sake! She should be thinking about Jeremiah and be excited that he’s coming over this weekend, she had so many plans for them.

Things like this should be normal for her. This was the standard, the expected. 

So why is she feeling like she’s about to pass out? Why does it feel different this time? She was used to this, Conrad with other girls, wasn’t she? 

So why did it feel like her chest was caving in?

Belly wonders if this is how Conrad felt, watching her kissing his brother, using his hoodie while leaning against his car. She still remembers his face, his heartbreaking eyes staring at them and the angry words he said. Groaning, she asks herself how she manages to make such a mess of things.

Closing the app, careful not to accidentally like anything. Belly drops her phone on the floor next to her legs like it’s about to burn her. Picking up the spoon, she finishes the last bite of ice cream, not that she could actually taste it. 

Feeling her eyes watering, Belly stands, running to the bathroom she used to share with Steven. Closing the door behind her, muffling the sound of Taylor’s laughter in the background, proof that her friend wasn’t paying attention.

Good.

Belly stares at her reflection in the mirror, not recognizing the girl she sees in it as an older version of the one that used to spend her summer in Cousins, but one that doesn’t really know what’s going on in her life. She looks uncertain. Lost.

She turns and throws up into the toilet.

With a tired sigh, she sinks to the cool tile floor, leaning against the wall, blaming the ice cream she just had and not the heartbreak she had considered to be in the past. 

Heartbreaks. In her defense, she did say she was used to them. But she never mentioned how bad she still is at handling them.

 

I washed my hands of us at the club

You made a mess of me

I pictured you with other girls in love

Then threw up on the street

Like waiting for a bus that never shows

You just start walkin' on

They say that if it's right, you know

Each bar plays our song

Nothing has ever felt so wrong

 

– Hits different, by Taylor Swift 

 

 

 

Notes:

We didn't get to see it on the third book, but I definitely think Taylor would become team bonrad after the cheating episode. I'm not sure that will happen in the show but I'm still hoping for the best.

Tell me your thoughts about this chapter and which songs you think will make an appearance in the next chapters!

See you soon!

Chapter 4: Is it over now?

Summary:

Was it over when she laid down on your couch?
Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse?
Come here, I whispered in your ear
In your dream as you passed out
Baby, was it over then?
And is it over now?

– Is it over now? by Taylor Swift

Notes:

Hello, everyone!

I just have a few notes before you start reading this chapter.

Though in the show hydrangea are Susannah’s favorite flowers, I'm sticking to the book, so in this chapter, pink peonies will be her favorite.

Also, I wanted to thank you all for your comments and kudos. I always do that while responding to you but I felt the need to this here too.

This chapter is based on Is it over now? by Taylor Swift.

Oh, lord, I think about jumpin'

Off of very tall somethings

Just to see you come running

And say the one thing I've been wanting, but no

– Is it over now? by Taylor Swift 

 

Clearing her throat, Belly stops at her mother’s door, making her presence known. When Laurel’s gaze finds Belly, she smiles proudly, putting her shoes while seated at the end of the bed. 

“Oh my God, Bean. You look beautiful” she praises, standing up and unconsciously, straights her black dress. 

Belly turns around, giving her the full look of the dress they both chose earlier that week for Belly’s graduation. When she stops, her hands go automatically to her neck, where Susannah’s pearls rest quietly.

“Do you like it?” She asks a little insecure and nervous about the day.

“I do. You looked amazing a week ago, and it still makes you look like the most beautiful girl” Laurel compliments, and Belly notices her tearing up a little.

“What about the necklace? Do you think it’s too much?” 

Laurel slowly steps to her and runs her hand through the jewelry. She shakes her head and this time Belly is sure of her mother’s eyes watering. “No, they look perfect in you. Beck would’ve loved it” 

“I miss her,” Belly admits, holding herself, trying not to cry. “At these big events, like graduation, it seems like the absence of her becomes bigger, especially because I know she won’t be there” 

“I get it. I know exactly what you’re saying, Belly” Laurel forces a smile to her face. “But the necklace was a nice touch, this way you know she will always be with you” 

“That’s what I thought” she shrugs and doesn’t miss the way her mother pretends to look at the other side so she can wipe her face. 

“If she was here, she would be crying and annoying me, saying I should have bought you a more expensive dress” Laurel chuckles and Belly follows. 

“I like this one” 

“I know you do, but Beck always wanted the best for you” Laurel counters, rubbing her daughters arms and moving to the bedside table, where she starts checking her purse. “The best for our special girl, she used to say” 

It was almost like she could hear Susannah’s voice repeating those same words. Sometimes, Belly likes to pretend that she was still alive and in a few days, they would leave for Cousins where she would welcome them with fresh flowers and warm smiles. 

It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be further from it. But it would lessen the pain when it was too hard to breathe. 

Reaching for her lipstick, Laurel sighs, seeming contemplative. “Besides, in a way she will be there with all of us today. Beck always loved parties, and being surrounded by her loved ones. And that’s exactly what is going to happen today. We are going to celebrate you graduating and all the people you love will be celebrating with you” 

Belly bites her tongue, trying to keep her mouth shut but it’s stronger than her. “I guess not everyone” she mumbles and Laurel looks up from her purse with a knowing glare. “He’s not coming, isn’t he?”

Laurel knows exactly who Belly is referring to. With a sigh, she deflects her eyes before finding Belly’s again. “I’m sorry, Bean” 

Belly shrugs, trying to dismiss it. It’s not like she was expecting him to show up at her door with flowers in one hand and a side smile at his face, opening his arms, just waiting for her to cross the door and hug him tight. She was no longer innocent and those fantasies are long gone. 

But she still had hope. Hope that is now dead. 

“It’s okay, mom. I guess I knew, i just wanted confirmation”

Aware of her daughter’s disappointment, Laurel tries to send her an encouraging smile. “Honey, I know that my actions these past months might look a little too harsh or a little too protective of him, by not saying anything about him to you or not letting you see him at the hospital... But the truth is... Conrad... He was going through some things” 

“I know, mom” Belly interrupts her, noticing how difficult it was for Laurel to say those words, to finally come clean to her daughter and maybe, break Conrad’s confidence by sharing his secret. 

Widening her eyes, Laurel looks surprised. “You do?” 

“Steven told me about… everything at the hospital. About Conrad’s panic attacks, being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, about you helping him, getting him into therapy... I know about the whole thing” she confesses, fidgeting. Talking about her first love's mental state was not something she felt comfortable doing. 

Humming, Laurel forgets her purse, crossing her arms at her chest. “I’m sorry that we kept you in the dark. I guess I just felt lost. I didn’t know what to do so I just acted in the most mechanical way possible” 

“In the most maternal way possible” Belly corrects her, aware of her mother’s connection with Conrad. He was her special boy, just like Belly was Susannah’s beautiful girl. “You did what you thought it was right at the time” 

“I acted on instinct because I was afraid of losing him... he didn’t seem like the boy I knew” Laurel whispers in the last part. 

Belly knew her mother still thought of Conrad as the little boy that would run around the house, asking for ‘his Laura’. He was like her son and Belly knows Laurel loves him as much as she loves her own kids. 

Clearing her throat, Laurel continues. “It was like a dark cloud was looming over his head but I got there in time. And he’s finally better. In fact, he asked about you the last time we spoke on the phone and this didn’t happen before” 

“He did?” Belly asks a little hopeful. If he wanted to know about her, maybe there was still a future for their friendship.

Maybe, hope was not dead at all. 

“He did. And he wanted to come but he had an important test so he couldn’t miss it” Laurel tries to justify his absence and Belly doesn’t have the strength to try and find out if Conrad’s test was real or not. But she knows her mother, and was an expert at detecting Laurel’s lies. For this time, Belly would take the win at knowing her mother was speaking the truth and Conrad actually wanted to know about her, instead of avoiding her like the plague. 

Crossing the room in a flash, Belly hugs Laurel, taking her by surprise. “Thanks, mom. For being here for me and Steven, for Conrad... for everything” she says with a muffled voice, getting emotional. 

Running her hand through Belly’s hair, Laurel sighs. “It’s my job. And I promised Beck I would take care of her family” 

“I know, but still...thank you” Belly shrugs, squeezing her mom one more time before letting her go. “So, he’s better now?” 

Laurel nods, a small smile appearing at her face. “He is much better now. He’s still busy but he will probably show up at Cousins at some point this summer. I think he’s finally ready to come back so you will see him with your own eyes” 

“That’s really good news,” Belly says, relieved. 

“It is,” Laurel agrees. “So, when you and Jere are driving to Cousins? I might drop by at some point to make sure the house is still up and standing”

Biting her lip, Belly tries to conceal her disappointment. “I don’t know. I guess we won’t be going this summer. Jere has this internship with his dad that he’s really excited about. His schedule is kind of crazy right now” 

“Oh” Laurel manages to say. “You guys fought so hard to keep the property I thought you kids would be dying to go back this summer” 

“Yeah, me too” Belly mumbles, feeling the sour taste in her mouth. She understands how stressed Jere was about this internship and how anxious he was about having his father’s attention focused entirely on him, but she couldn’t help but feel a little left out. Discarded was the word living inside her head ever since Jeremiah told her he wouldn’t be accompanying her to the beach house this summer. 

But Belly put a fake smile at her face, accepting that she couldn’t compete with Adam, not when Jeremiah was concerned. 

The tiny little voice inside her head made her question if Conrad would ever trade his time with her, alone at the beach house, for anything else that wasn’t related to her. She knows the answer and sometimes, when she wasn’t careful enough and the question parades in her thoughts, Belly shakes her head as if the movement is enough to make the topic go away.

“Anyway, that will probably be for the best,” Laurel comments, reaching for her earrings at her bedside table. “Conrad is better but he’s still not like the Conrad we all knew from before. I still don’t know how it will feel for him to see you and his brother together at the beach house. That’s why I made the suggestion for him to bring a friend with him” 

Belly furrows her brows. “You did?” 

“Yes. What was her name again?” Laurel mumbles to herself.

“Wait, you told him to bring a girl with him?” Belly asks with her voice raising without her noticing.

“Yes, I did,” Laurel replies, narrowing her eyes. “I didn’t think it would matter to you the gender of his guest. You chose to be with Jeremiah after all and you’re happy with your decision, right?” 

Belly breathes out, biting her tongue. “I am, of course I am. But you never thought how awkward it would be? Him bringing a girl with him while I’m at the beach house?” 

Laurel crosses her arms against her chest, and suddenly Belly feels like a little child about to get scolded. “You do realize that at some point in your life you will have to be around Conrad and some girlfriend of his. No, let me go further, the person he will choose to be with for the rest of his life. This will happen sooner or later but it will, Belly. You can’t expect him to be single for the rest of his life just because you chose his brother. You didn’t choose him but someone else will” 

Like a nightmare happening in front of her eyes, Belly can imagine Conrad dropping to one knee and asking some random girl to marry him while she stands at the corner, watching the scene like she’s part of the scenery and not the protagonist of the movie. The girl is beautiful and she has unshed tears in her eyes and a beautiful smile on her face. She can almost hear a “yes” coming out of her mouth and Conrad’s happy laugh while sliding the ring at the girl’s finger. 

Belly always thought she would be the girl, not possibly his sister in law. That if her relationship with Jeremiah continues strong until that fateful day.

The selfish part of her wants to keep Conrad to herself. 

No other girl loved him ever since he was little. No other girl got to hug him while he cried, terrified of losing his mother. And in her delusional mind, Belly likes to think that even if she wasn’t his first, she would be his last love, his last woman. No one else had the right to hold him, to feel his fingers drawing imaginary circles while leaving goosebumps at their skin, to kiss his freckles and feel his desire. That belonged to her. That was hers, in her ugly and selfish part of her mind.

But if she’s honest to herself, Belly also wants Conrad to be happy and she knows that won’t happen with her anymore. 

So with a sigh, Belly manages a smile. “I’m aware of everything you said, mom. I’m just worried it would be weird and the girl might not like it to find me there, at the beach house. I know I wouldn’t” 

“She would have to get used to it, just like Jeremiah will. This internship sounds like an excuse to not deal with his brother in my opinion” Belly looks down, trying to escape her mother’s eyes. The exact thought crossed her mind when her boyfriend told her his plans for the summer but she decided to keep it quiet. “Besides, the girl was really nice to me and I’m pretty sure she knows who I am and how I’m connected to you” 

Widening her eyes, Belly blurts out. “You met her?” 

“I did, Conrad introduced me to her on my last trip to California. What was her name again?” 

“Agnes” the name escapes from her mouth before Belly can realize what she had done. 

“You know about her?” Laurel asks skeptically and Belly rubs her eyes, forgetting about the make up she had put there. 

“Taylor mentioned her to me a while ago. But she sounded like it wasn’t something serious” Belly ends in a suggestive tone, hoping to fish for information. 

“Well, Conrad says they’re just friends but I don’t know, it felt like there was something more” Laurel says contemplative, not missing how her daughter starts fidgeting with her dress. “She seemed like a sweet girl and like the type of person Conrad needs right now. I guess we can all agree he needs some good in his life at this moment, don’t you think?”

Belly nods, looking down at her shoes. Distracted, she misses Laurel getting closer. 

Delicate, she pulls Belly’s chin up, staring at her face. “Sometimes I think I’m too hard on you and your brother, but I want you to know that I only want the best for you two” 

“I know, mom,” she whispers. 

“I have a feeling that you do, but I also know that sometimes the obvious needs to be said. And with that in mind, I want you to be honest with me. Are you happy with your choices?” Laurel asks with a serious face and Belly swallows hard. “Last summer you chose Jeremiah. To be frank, I was a little confused but I understood. You kids were going through so much, mourning Susannah and now that I know about Conrad’s struggles, I get why your relationship didn’t work. You two had so much against you and were so young, so naive. But Beck always had a feeling Conrad was it for you, and to be honest, I always thought that too” 

With a deep breath, a quick flashback goes through Belly’s mind, reminding her of all the good times and heartbreaks. “I get it, mom. I used to think that too but a lot has happened... he hurt me and I hurt him. Sometimes things don’t go the way we planned. And Jere is good for me” she shrugs, swallowing her tears. “I am happy”

“I know. Life happens” Laurel gives her a soft smile. “You're with Jeremiah now, and I know he’s a good boy and makes you happy. But, one of the most beautiful things about life is knowing you can end things, and start them all over again if necessary, do you get me, Bean?” 

Belly shakes her head, sensing what her mother wasn’t saying. “Except, things are not easy like that” 

Laurel hums, letting go of Belly’s face. “You’re right, but when there’s love involved, they tend to work either way. Beck would say something like this” she sings and Belly bites her lips. Laurel uses one of her hands to push her daughter’s hair behind her ears. “You’re too young, and sometimes I worry about the burden you’re carrying, dealing with that kind of love so early in life. And I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did” 

Belly frowns. “You mean your marriage with dad? You guys didn’t work but are still friends” 

Laurel gives her a condescending smile. “You remember when you asked me about the divorce? What did I say to you?” 

“You meant the fireworks?” 

“Yes, the fireworks” 

“You meant to say you had someone in your life that gave you fireworks but you chose dad?” Belly asks, confused. 

“What I meant, Belly, is that I settled for easy because I was too scared to look for that someone for me. And eventually, I realized that good is not always enough to keep a relationship” Laurel sighs and Belly gets what she's hitting at. “Beck always told me that, but it only sinked when I woke up one morning and looked at your father and only felt friendship towards him. And that was pure heartbreak, something I don’t wish for you” 

For a moment, Belly tries to vision her future with Jere. They seem happy in her imagination, and she wonders if one day she will look at him and feel nothing. It was already a tragedy inside her head.

“I’m sorry for ruining the mood, Bean” Laurel apologizes, noticing the look on her daughter’s face.

“It’s okay, mom” Belly dismisses putting a trying smile on.

“I just needed to have this conversation with you before you left for college and this seemed like the time for it” she squeezes her shoulder. “Anyway, we should get going or we’re going to be late” 

Swallowing the weird feeling and finding odd how tight her throat was, Belly nods, following her mom out of the room.

The ceremony is beautiful, and while one of her classmates is doing her speech, Belly keeps glancing at the door, hoping for a certain broody boy to walk through it. And when it doesn’t happen, she glances back to her family and the other smiley boy who keeps sending her thumbs catches her eye. 

It’s a happy day, but the sinking feeling that some people are missing from her moment is there. 

They go to lunch, laugh and make plans for the future. It’s almost like Belly always imagined this day would be. 

Taylor tags along with them in the car, returning to the Conklin’s house where they will get ready for the party they will be attending in a few hours. Jeremiah gives her a soft kiss, going back to his hotel, saying he will meet them there. 

Later, when Belly and Taylor are about to leave the house, Laurel calls for her daughter, asking her to go to the kitchen.

At the threshold, Belly stops, watching the bouquet of pink peonies lying at the kitchen counter. Laurel gives her a knowing look, with a side smile. 

“What is this?” Belly asks, cautious of letting herself have hope.

“Flowers,” Laurel says snorting. “Those arrived for you while you were getting ready with Taylor”

“For me?” she questions, still not believing her own eyes.

“Yes, Bean. They came with a card, I thought you would want to see this before leaving for your party” Laurel comments like it’s the most casual thing, but with a knowing smile that alerts Belly of her intentions. Her mother walks past through her, squeezing her shoulder and leaving a kiss at her cheek. “I don’t care that you graduated high school, I still want you home by eleven, okay? Have fun, Bean” 

Finally alone, and aware she had to be fast or Taylor would show up at the kitchen to see what was taking her so long, Belly rushes to the flowers. The smile on her face is spontaneous and she can’t hold her excitement while she looks for the card her mother told her about. 

When she finds it, her heart skips a beat. Belly knew, deep inside, he would never forget about her special day. Holding her breath, she reads the words until she has them memorized by heart.

I know pink peonies are not your favorite, but they were my mom’s and I know you’re upset she couldn’t be with you at your graduation. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there too, not that I’m sure I would be invited to come. But I wanted to give you something to remind you, that even if you can’t have someone you love physically, you can still carry them in your heart. She was the first to notice how special you are and since then, we are still following her lead. Congratulations on your graduation, Conklin. I can’t wait to hear the amazing things you will accomplish.

Conrad

 

Biting her lips, Belly dries her cheeks with the back of her hand when she listens footsteps getting closer to her.

“Hey” Taylor sings, watching the flowers with interest. “I got tired of waiting for you and Steven already threatened to leave without us. Are you okay?” 

Belly is sure Taylor can see how shaken she is, but enjoying the space her friend was giving her, she nods and smiles truthfully at her. “I am. Let me just put those in a jar and we can go” 

“Those are so pretty. Who sent them?” Taylor casually asks, while Belly moves around the kitchen.

“Uhmm, my dad” she mumbles with a grimace.

“Nice. But pink peonies? He knows those are not your favorite, right?” 

Belly laughs forcefully. “I don’t think my dad is familiar with every single one of my tastes. Anyway, shall we go?”

Taylor shakes her head, pretending she didn’t see the card that Belly discreetly put inside her jeans pocket. The blonde already had an idea of who sent those flowers but kept to herself. Tonight was about celebrating them, her friend’s love life could wait till another day. But she doesn’t miss how Belly’s mood seemed to have changed in a better way. 

Shaking her head and laughing to herself, Taylor wonders how she could’ve missed those signs, and how pissed she would get hearing Steven bragging he was right the entire time. 

Maybe, Belly chose wrong.

Maybe, the moody brother was perfect for her.

And maybe, things could still change in the future.

 

Was it over when she laid down on your couch?

Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse?

Come here, I whispered in your ear

In your dream as you passed out

Baby, was it over then?

And is it over now?

 

– Is it over now? by Taylor Swift 

 

Notes:

So Laurel is also Bonrad and I really hope we get to see it at this season!

Tell me your thoughts about it and see you next chapter ❤️

Chapter 5: Right where you left me

Notes:

So, dear readers, I present you Anika.
And a walk down the memory lane.

This chapter is based on Right where you left me by Taylor Swift.

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?

Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it

She's still twenty-three inside her fantasy

How it was supposed to be

 

– Right where you left me by Taylor Swift 

 

 

Belly hated meeting new people.

Maybe hate is a strong word for it, but she definitely wasn't a fan of it. 

She loved familiarity, things and people she already knew by heart. It wasn't that she feared change entirely, she was just afraid things wouldn't change for the better.

That is why she was dreading college. Move away from everything and everyone she knew was one of the scariest things she had ever done. 

But to her surprise, things have been quite well.

There was something amazing about being in a place where nobody knew you or could judge you for your actions, like falling for one brother and then falling for another. College had its perks. She got to explore, try new things and just be.

She loved the campus, classes were pretty good, and after three weeks living together her roommate was already one of her best friends. They clicked instantly, much to Taylor’s despair since her oldest best friend didn't enjoy having to share Belly's attention. 

But Belly didn't mind, she just wanted everyone in her life getting along, that is why she suggested á nigh out - Anika, Taylor, Jeremiah and two of his friends - it was the perfect opportunity to blend her worlds. 

It was fun and Belly was finally at peace, especially watching Taylor and Anika warming up to each other.

Back in their dorm room, Belly lay in bed, nestled in her pillows, sending a goodnight text to Jeremiah and replying to Taylor's. 

“So… tonight was fun” Anika comments walking in to their room wearing her blue pajamas. “Thank you for inviting me” she says with a smile.

“Are you kidding me? I wanted you there and I'm glad you could finally meet everyone” Belly replies excited, blocking her phone.

“It was nice putting faces to the names” Anika sits on her bed, crossing her legs facing Belly. “You're so lucky, you've known these people since you were a kid. That is definitely special” 

“I know” Belly squeaks. “Taylor and I have been friends since forever. We were so happy when we found out we were going to the same school” 

“I bet she was not that happy when she realized you two weren't going to be roommates” Anika suggests teasing.

“Not really. But it had more to do with her roommate not being the girl she had imagined her to be.” Taylor didn't have the same luck Belly did, and they were not compatible like Anika and Belly were. “Anyway, I'm not worried about that, she will join a fraternity soon enough” 

“That sounds like it” Anika laughs. “And Jeremiah? How you two met?” 

“Umm, we grew up together. Our moms met at college and became best friends. We lived at different states but every summer we would go to Cousins and every major holiday we would spend it together” Belly says, reminiscing those special days. They seemed like a decade ago, and not two years. 

“Awn, you two were childhood sweethearts?” 

Feeling uncomfortable, Belly shifts at her place. “Not exactly. We just got together last year” 

Sensing something wasn't right, Anika decides to change topics. “He seems like a cool guy. And a handsome one too, and I say that respectfully” 

Chuckling, Belly nods. “I know what you mean. It's definitely the hair and the eyes. That combination is deadly” 

“I could use some eye candy like him. Does he have a brother?” 

This time Belly doesn't bother trying to disguise her tension. “Yes, Conrad, but he lives at California” she grits out.

“Too bad” Anika comments, missing Belly's mood. “Is he at least single? A girl can dream” 

Belly shrugs, curling her lips. “I don't know, he probably has a girlfriend now” 

“Of course, all the good ones are taken” she jokes but finally realizes something wasn’t right. “Hey, did I say something wrong?” 

Trying to put a smile at her face, Belly shakes her head. “No, you didn't” 

“This is about what I said about Jeremiah? I'm sorry, I never meant to be disrespectful to you or your relationship” 

“It's not about Jere” Belly dismisses, cursing her inability to hide her emotions.

“So it's about Conrad?” Anika guesses. “You don't like the guy?” 

“I think that's my problem, I can't un-like him” she mumbles to herself but the other girl hears. “Me and Conrad… we were a thing a once” 

That's not how Belly would like to describe it. If she was being honest to herself, the words ‘epic romance’ or ‘tragic love story’ would be more fitting. Taylor would say she was being dramatic but Belly is sure she earned the right to be dramatic.

Anika gasps. “Wait a minute, you dated your boyfriend's brother? I never thought these kind of things happened in real life” 

Curling her lips, Belly nods, bashfully.

Moving from her bed, Anika rushes to Belly's, sitting at the end. “I don't want to intrude… but how did that happen exactly?” 

Tilting her head to the side, Belly let her mind travel elsewhere, to a time where things were more easy and colorful like the summers at Cousins. “It was perfect. We were perfect, for a while, but life happened and we broke up. Jeremiah came after, kind of”

“That was pretty vague” 

Narrowing her eyes, Belly watches her friend. “You want the full story? I'm warning you, it's not nice and simple” 

Anika nods. “Good, because I don't like nice and simple. Come on, Conklin, give me the dirty” 

The nickname made her think of him and Belly sighs. “It was just like I told you, our moms became best friends at college and we grew up together. We would see each other often, except at summers, when Cousins became our home” 

“Sounds dreamy” Anika comments.

“It was” Belly agrees with a smile.

“So, you fell for him all of a sudden or it was already there?”

“I guess it happened slowly, without me even noticing” she shrugs. Falling for Conrad was never a difficult thing for her. “Growing up it used to be Conrad and Jeremiah, and me and my brother. I used to hate it because they would always stay in their little group because it was only for boys, but not Conrad… I don’t know if it was because he was the older one, but he always made sure to include me” 

“That's sweet” 

“I guess when I think of it, I have so many memories of him trying to force them to let me in… helping me when they would make fun of whatever difficulties I was having at the time. He taught me how to dance” Belly reminisces with a soft laugh. She still remembers her clumsy steps and how every time she stepped at his foot, he made sure to mask his pain. “Conrad was always so patient with me, teaching me, helping me… he always there for me” 

“And you fell” Anika adds softly.

“I did. Hard. And with no strength to fight it, to be honest” Belly admits. “It was impossible to resist and I didn't want to” 

“He corresponded your feelings?” 

Belly takes a moment, thinking to herself. “At the time, I didn't think so. Our mothers used to joke around about it, saying how we would get married someday, how we both loved each other, but I didn't take it seriously. I mean, he was older and was seeing older girls. I was just a child to him” 

“And when that changed?” 

“He said something about liking me before but I guess if I can pin out when, it would be two years ago” She remembers walking out of the car, smelling the salt air and feeling her heart racing at her chest when she looked at him. “We were at Cousins and I started dating this guy, he was a local” 

“Conrad got jealous?” 

Belly ponders. “Yes and no. I guess I just couldn't figure him out. He was strange, acting out, smoking… he was this different person and walked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders”

“He was having problems?” 

“His mother's cancer was back, and he found that out all by himself. Susannah didn't want her kids to know before summer ended. Besides, he had a complicated relationship with his dad and found out he was cheating. Again” 

“That's harsh” Anika says, frowning. “And lonely, to be the only one to know all these deep secrets about your family and not be able to share with anyone” 

Feeling a little bothered, Belly lowers her eyes. That should've been her thoughts at the time, but her only concern was why Conrad was not paying attention to her. 

“Yeah, but that's Conrad for you. He never wants to be a burden, always trying to be the perfect son his father wanted him to be” she mutters to herself. “He always pushes people away when he needs them most” 

“So he pushed you away?” Anika guesses.

“Yes, but not for long. Anyway, at the same time when we were starting to get close again, Jeremiah came in, saying he had feelings for me and asked for a chance” 

“And you gave him?” 

“Yes, I mean, I thought Conrad didn't love me back, so why wait for something that could never happen?” 

“Just… I don't get it. Jeremiah went after you, even knowing his brother liked you?” 

Belly startles, frowning. “I… I don’t know, I guess Jere didn't knew at the time”

“Belly, all I've known from this guy is what you've told me and I already figured him out. God, if even your mother's would say something about it, are you telling me Jeremiah never had any idea about his brother's feelings?” Anika inquiries. “I mean, it's quite obvious”

That leaves Belly speechless. “I never thought about it, to be honest” 

Shaking her head, Anika pats Belly's knees. “You know what? I'm sorry, don't let it go to your heart. Just continue, how you and Conrad got together if you were with Jeremiah?” 

“We had this debutant thing going on, Jere was my date but he disappeared and Conrad had to step in and dance with me” 

“Now that's romantic” 

They both chuckles. “Anyway, what happened later was not romantic at all. They fought and everyone found out about Susannah’s cancer. But later that night, we talked and kept talking till the sun came out… He said he loved me and I said I loved him back” 

“And Jeremiah?” 

“That's the thing. We agreed to stay separated because of him, even after I broke things up with Jere” 

“That didn't last, did it?” 

“No” Belly admits with a smile. “He left Brown in the middle of the night and drove to my house. Said he had already talked to Jeremiah and he could never get over me” 

Anika groans, rubbing her face. “God, this is so good. How did you manage to find a guy this perfect?” 

Belly looks down, fidgeting with her blanket. “Perfect was not the word I would use to describe our relationship… We were trying long distance and Susannah got worse every single day. We had a lot going against us. And he was falling apart in front of my eyes and I didn’t see it” 

“I can imagine. A new relationship mixed with grief, being scared all the time of losing someone you love… it was probably hard on him” Anika contemplates, sighing.

Belly laughs humorlessly, and when her friend raises a brow at her, she decides to share her thoughts. “You know, I was so in love, so happy that we were finally together that it made me blind to what was happening to him” 

“You didn't realize he was struggling?” 

“No. I've known this guy for my whole life and I didn't notice that” she snaps, startling Anika. Groaning, Belly pinches the bridge of her nose. “God, how could've I missed that? The signs were all there and I was worried he didn't love me enough” 

“Hey, don't blame yourself now. It's like crying over spilled milk” Anika leans over to squeeze Belly's hand. “Maybe you were feeling a little insecure and that made you miss the signs? I mean, he was your first love and suddenly he was loving you back. That would've been distracting enough” 

“Definitely” she blurts out. “But still, I knew him like the palm of my hands. He was having panic attacks, dealing with depression and anxiety, while I was worried about him being my date to prom” 

“Some people are really good at masking their feelings, Belly. And he sounds like a guy that wouldn't want you to worry about him” 

“He is” she nods. “But I missed that, so prom night I broke up with him. He was sad all night, looked like he didn't want to be there so I just assumed that meant he didn't want me anymore. So I ended things” 

“Belly” Anike cries. “Can't believe you did that” 

“I did. Now wait for the worst part” Belly says, already feeling embarrassed for herself. “At his mom's funeral I went looking for him and found him lying at his ex lap. I ran across the house yelling at him to go to hell. Later he told me that moments before I walked into his room, he had a panic attack and she was helping him get through it” 

“Oh God” 

“I told you it got worse” 

“So, that's when you and Jeremiah happened?” 

“Kind of” Belly replies, reminiscing about that summer. “One day Jere reached me and said Conrad was missing. We went looking for him, found him at the beach house. Their father was trying to sell it and we fought back. Conrad was treating me like I wasn't there, Jeremiah was hurt because of… you know, everything. But we got closer, and near the end, Conrad and I were getting along again” 

“God, this is not good for my blood pressure” Anika comments and Belly chuckles. “So, what happened?” 

Belly's laugh dies when she replays that fateful day in her head. “Conrad had to take this test and we helped him study. Everything was going well, we drove to Brown, he took the test…” 

“And?” 

“And he saw me and Jeremiah kissing at the hood of his car” 

“Oh my” Anika gasps.

“Yeah, I know” Belly cringes, sighing. “It went as bad as you can imagine. We fought, the drive back was horrible and we had to stop at this disgusting motel to sleep. They had only one room, I slept at the bed, they took the floor” 

“This keeps getting better and better” her friends mumbles, in awe. 

“So, in the middle of the night, Conrad says he was still in love with me” 

If Belly closes her eyes hard enough, she can still the strange smell of the hotel room, the sheets stinging her skin, and how hard her heart was racing inside her chest. How she wanted to hear those words before, how she desperately needed that months ago. But at that moment, it only meant heartbreak.

Biting her lips, Anika notices how shaken her friend was. “But that wasn't enough anymore, right?” 

Belly shakes her head, looking away. “I needed that from him before everything went to shit… We went through so much, I was scared and I don't know… Jeremiah was there, and with him things were easy, always black and white. With Conrad I just never knew for sure” 

 

“I thought you knew! From the moment we kissed on the beach, I thought you knew!” 

 

“He wasn't very good at communicating, huh?” 

“Conrad excelled at many things, letting you know what was going inside his heart was not one of them” Belly comments regretfully. “Believe me, I've tried” 

“So you choseJeremiah” Anika states. “I can imagine how fun holidays must be” 

Belly hesitates before speaking. “That's the thing… They weren't close before and I guess I made matters worse” 

“Why?” 

“They are not on speaking terms” she shrugs, the guilt eating her away. “Conrad is now at Stanford, and I don't think he ever came back home. Jere never mentions him” 

“What about you two? You never talked again?” 

Belly shakes her head. “I've tried, felt bad about everything and tried messaging few weeks later but he never responded. Later, my mom and my brother mentioned he wasn't in a good place and thought talking to me it would only make it worse” 

“Belly…” Anika tries to comfort her friend, squeezing her knee. 

“He's better now… so I've heard” Belly sends her a tentative smile. 

“That's good” she replies, returning Belly's smile. “He sounds like someone that needs something good in his life” 

After taking a minute for herself, Belly let's the weight of her shoulders be lifted. “This was nice. It's so different, talking about Conrad with you and Taylor” 

“I take she's not a fan of his” 

“Definitely not,” she grimaces, laughing. “With her, Conrad will always be the bad guy” 

“I don't think she's wrong, she probably saw what happened with you, and how you felt through everything. I guess I just have a different perspective, since I wasn't there from the beginning” 

Fidgeting, Belly glances at her. “And what do you think of it? Am I the bad guy in your point of view?” 

Sighing, Anika pats Belly's hands. “You do realize this situation is not black and white, right? I don't believe in that and I don't think you should too” 

“But?” Belly instigates her to talk more. 

“There is no ‘but's. Listen, I guess you two were too young to be dealing with that kind of feeling. You hurt each other, but I think Conrad took it harder” 

“You think?” Belly frowns. All she can remember was weeping at her bed, not eating and wishing all that pain could go away. From her point of view, she was definitely worse than Conrad.

“Come on, Belly, you can't actually think things were easy for him” 

“I didn't, and I don't… I just…” the words die inside her mouth, and Belly feels lost. 

“You were focused on your own pain, I get it, it's the human reaction to it” Anika shrugs. “I guess I'm just picturing myself in his shoes, dealing with all that shit… the fear of losing my mother then actually losing her, my dad cheating on her, everything changing and seeing the person I loved choosing my sibling instead of me… I would've lost it too, I definitely don't judge him for it” 

Belly recoils like an ambushed animal, getting smaller by the second. “I hurt him badly, didn't I?” she whispers, curling her lips so she doesn't cry.

“I guess,” Anika shrugs. “But in my opinion, he was already broken. No one deals with that kind of burden and leaves unscathed, it definitely leaves marks. And Belly, from where I stand, you two were doomed from the start” 

“You really think that?” she frowns, thinking about that morning at the beach. 

 

“Being with you is all I've ever wanted” 

“That's great, be with me then” 

 

“I'm not saying you didn't love each other or that were not meant to be together, actually, I was kind of rooting for you two for a few minutes here” Anika reveals and Belly laughs at her spontaneous comment. “I guess you were not ready for it, both of you. Ever heard about that saying, right love, wrong time? I think it defines your relationship with Conrad” 

“So what you're saying is that I didn't mess it up too bad?” 

“Oh no, girl, that you definitely did” Belly groans, rubbing her face hard. “I mean, do you need a list? I can do it alphabetically you want me to” 

“No, thank you” she replies too fast and Anika laughs and Belly joins her later. 

When the laughter dies, Anika sobers up. “Hey, for what is worth, I'm really sorry about everything. Even if you did choose Jeremiah and you're happy, you still lost someone who was important in your life in the process” 

At the moment, Belly tears up. It was the first time someone acknowledged her relationship with Conrad, not only their romantic one, but the existence of it. It wasn't only the butterflies in her stomach, it was the long conversations, the inside jokes, memories of their short time together growing up. He has always been a part of her life, a constant presence that assured her everything was going to be alright.

“I miss him. I miss him too much” Belly confesses, blinking fast so the tears won't fall. “And it has been terrible because I can't talk about it with anyone. I mean, Taylor would judge me, Jere would probably get jealous and act weird because that's his pattern everytime Conrad is concerned, and my mom and brother would tell me to back off because I'm bad for him” 

Anika reaches for her hands, holding them tightly. “You can talk to me, I won't hold it against you” 

“He was, I mean, he is, someone special to me. And I know I've hurt him, but even if we never got together, I would still want him in my life. And it hurts that his absence only gets bigger by the day and he's better off without me” she sniffs, trying to hold it together. “He was my friend before, and I feel like I lost so much” 

“I think he feels the same way” Anika counters and Belly scoffs.

“I doubt it” 

“I really do, Belly, otherwise it wouldn't be so hard for him to be around you” she reasons. 

“I wish he could just talk to me, that things could go back to normal” 

“Oh honey, that will never happen. But you could find some new normal and go with it. Just give it time” 

“You really think that?” Belly asks hopeful.

“Yes, even if he still loves you, he will probably find a way to deal with it. I don't think you two can survive without each other for so long. That kind of connection never goes away” 

Belly uses her free hand to dry some rebellious tears that escaped her eyes. “Thank you, for the talk, for being patient with me” 

“Don't worry, I live for that kind of drama, especially when it doesn’t involve me” she winks and Belly chuckles. 

“That is the best kind of drama”. They both nod to it, agreeing. “But really, it felt amazing being able to talk to someone that didn't live the whole story with me. Definitely refreshing” 

“Any time, Conklin” she winks at Belly, standing and heading to her own bed. “Now, let's get some sleep and pray I don't dream about your complicated love story” 

Chuckling, Belly settles at her bed, hugging her extra pillow. 

The night didn't end the way she expected, crying wasn't definitely in her plans. But it felt good, actually almost like a good therapy session should be. 

Maybe, meeting new people could mean something good to her. And Belly just knew, that start fresh was just what she needed at the time.

 

 

I cause no harm

Mind my business, if our love died young

I can't bear witness, and it's been so long

But if you ever think you got it wrong

I'm right where you left me

 

– Right where you left me by Taylor Swift 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

I don't think we're going to see Anika in this new season but I loved her character in the last book. A reasonable voice for Belly, I think.

Tell me your thoughts about this chapter and see you in next one!

Chapter 6: Guilty as Sin?

Notes:

So, I watched those episodes and I just have one word for it: MANCHILD

Also, Anika is definitely the better friend.

So this chapter is not following the show, I chose to stay with the books in this one.

This chapter is based on Guilty as Sin? by Taylor Swift.

I keep these longings locked in lowercase inside a vault

Someone told me: There's no such thing as bad thoughts, only your actions talk

These fatal fantasies giving way to labored breath

Taking all of me, we've already done it in my head

If it's make believe, why does it feel like a vow

We'll both uphold somehow?

 

– Guilty as sin? by Taylor Swift 

 

 

The Vampire Diaries. 

Belly was obsessed with the show. 

She still remembered when Taylor introduced it to her three years ago and how Belly couldn’t give a damn about it at the time. Belly just couldn’t understand how a girl could get between two brothers and not decide which one she loved. It was ridiculous to her. How could one person not know who she wanted to be with? The fireworks, the butterflies, they could not happen with two people at the same time, it was not possible. At least, that’s what Belly used to think. 

But after these two years, and recent Christmas, the show suddenly had a different appeal to her. Now, Belly could imagine herself in Elena’s position, and how hard it must be to someone to make that choice. She gets it now, she was in that place months ago. And she didn’t have to live with the results of her own choices, since Conrad never answered her calls or texts. Out of sight, out of mind. It was easier to live like that. 

Belly had an inside voice lately, one that got louder when her mother asked her if she was happy on graduation day, and now was screaming all day after her drive to Cousins. 

What would happen after she saw him again? 

Even after going back, she still can’t answer that question. 

As a plan to distract her own mind, Belly invited Taylor to spend the night, ignoring Steven’s complaints about how his girlfriend should be with him. Belly felt relieved when Taylot chose her, and excited when her friend agreed to a marathon of season 3 of her new favorite show.

Lying on the couch, Belly tries to focus her eyes on the TV while her mind is elsewhere. Noticing her friend distracted, Taylor throws popcorn at her. 

“Hey, Cinderbelly” the blonde whispers, startling Belly. “Where did you go?” 

“Sorry” she apologizes, rubbing her face. “I just can’t seem to concentrate these days”

“I noticed. Something on your mind?”

Taylor suggests and Belly takes a deep breath, gathering all the courage she can.

“Can I ask you something without making it weird?” 

Taylor frowns, watching her friend. “Why would it be weird?” 

“Because... it's something... personal” Belly says like it’s the most obvious thing and Taylor gets more confused.

“You’re starting to worry me, Belly. What is this about?” 

Belly closes her eyes before speaking. With a sigh, she blurts out. “Have you ever had a sex dream about someone who isn’t your boyfriend?” 

Her friend gasps and she opens her eyes in time to see her shocked face. “Isabel, you little minx. You’re having sex dreams about someone who is not Jeremiah?”

“Shh. Keep it down, okay? I don’t need my mother or brother hearing about this” Belly begs and Taylor tries to contain her laugh. 

“Oh my God. Oh my God. This is gold. Who would’ve thought? Okay, you need to tell me everything. Is it about Charlie, from class? Or Henry, your new teacher? I bet it’s Charlie” Taylor says smugly.

Belly makes a disgusted face. “First, gross. Second, it’s not about any of them” she says, feeling her face getting warmer. “Okay, I need you to not be judgy about it”

“I never judge,” she protests.

“You literally do. All the time. And it's annoying” 

“You’re wrong again but I don’t care. Just tell me who the mystery guy is” 

After counting till five, Belly replies. “It’s Conrad” 

Taylor doesn’t look surprised after hearing the name, but resigned. And when she doesn’t speak, Belly gets agitated.

“Say something, Tay. I know you’re dying to” 

Taylor sighs. “I’m not surprised. I knew broody boy was still on your mind, I was just guessing when you were going to bring him up to the conversation” 

“You’re not surprised?” Belly questions, finding her behavior weird. 

“No, Belly, I’m not” Taylor answers, leaving her comfy position to sit straight, feeling a heavier dialogue was coming. “I know you still think about him, even though you stopped asking if I had any info of his life. I get it, you're over him but he's still important to you. So, what triggered the dream? You stalked his Instagram again? Or read some smut about Leo Dicaprio again?” 

“Hey, that was a one time thing” Belly counters, fidgeting. 

“The fanfic or the stalking?” 

“Both. So do you remember when I decided to drive to Cousins after Christmas?” 

“Yes, and? You think being in that house triggered it?” 

“I think being in that same house with him triggered it” she says embarrassed of her own situation.

“Wait – What?” Taylor interrupts, lifting her hand to pause Belly. “He was there? Conrad was there? And you never said a word about it to me?” 

“It’s not like it was a big thing. It’s his house after all” she tries to dismiss the information.

“Except it is,” Taylor answers back. “Oh my God, Belly. How was it?”

“Weird. But good at the same time, I guess” she shrugs.

“Did you talk?”

“We had conversations, but nothing meaningful” 

“So you didn’t ask him about therapy or any potential girlfriends?” 

“Of course I didn’t, Tay. It felt too personal and I didn’t want him to feel like my mother or my brother went behind his back and betrayed his trust. I didn’t want to make him fall back to a dark place again. Besides, that kind of information doesn’t belong to me, not anymore” Belly sighs. 

Watching her friend, Taylor feels for Belly. “Was he rude to you?” 

“No, he was the same old Conrad I grew up with,” she says with a soft smile. “He put my room back together without me knowing. But I didn’t get a chance to thank him, he left early” 

Humming, Taylor slides closer to Belly. “And you think that just seeing him again made you dream about getting hot and heavy with Connie?” 

Groaning, Belly lays her head at her friend’s shoulder. “You’re impossible. But no... I guess, there were moments when I could feel my head working harder than it should” 

“Care to elaborate more?” Taylor asks, using her free hand to hug her best friend.

“Watching him, healthy and good with himself made me remember the old times, before everything went to shit. And I hated myself for not noticing something wasn’t right with him when we were together” 

“Honey, it was not your fault. It was not your obligation to take fix him, especially when he didn’t want you to” 

“I know, but at the same time, it kind of was, right? I was his girlfriend and knew him all my life, and yet, I missed all the signs he was giving me. Being with someone means caring for them, and I guess I failed miserably in that part” Belly wanders. “I thought he never loved me enough, that I wasn’t enough for him. It was too complicated, too messy and I thought our relationship was hurting us both” 

“That’s why you chose Jeremiah, correct?” Taylor guesses. 

“Jere loved me, I knew that. And it was never complicated or messy with him. It was easier and I needed that” 

Taylor pauses, narrowing her eyes even though Belly couldn’t see them. “Belly, are you having second thoughts about your relationship with Jere?” 

The brunette moves abruptly, removing her head from Taylor’s to stare at her. “I’m not, we're happy... but I just wonder...” she says contemplative but doesn’t finish.

“Wonder? You’re wondering about what, Belly?” Taylor inquiries.

“About all the things that went wrong, and if one thing had happened differently” Belly rolls her eyes, laughing without humor. “If I had known the things I know now, or acted in another way... I’m just trying to reason with the voice inside my head that keeps telling me that maybe, me and Conrad would still be together” 

Taylor raises her eyebrow. “Don’t you think this voice might be a little bit out of touch? I mean, Belly, Jere is the one for you and you have no way to know that. In fact, I think you two breaking up was kind of inevitable” 

“You think?” Belly asks, tossing a look at her. 

“I have an educated guess,” she shrugs.

Belly curls her lips. “Can I ask why?” 

With a sigh, Taylor flips her hair. “Honestly? You used to put Conrad on a pedestal, all the time. For you, he was prince charming, for me, he was just a cute guy. Then, when he didn’t correspond to your expectations, we all saw one version of you that I’m not sure I liked it” 

“Hey” Belly snaps. “You’re not being fair right now” 

“Fine, then correct me. Am I wrong?” Taylor challenges her and Belly shakes her head. 

“Of course you are. I never thought he was perfect, I just know him in a way you don’t” 

“Whatever, I didn’t grow up with the guy” she dismisses. “But even from a distance I could see the cracks in your fantasy, Belly. No one is that perfect, and you’re only realizing it now. Yes, he was struggling with something when you got together but you can’t possibly think that when he’s finally in a good place you two will live happily ever after. There’s also life, and shit, and even if he’s the right guy for you, it doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other again” 

Absorbing every word, Belly takes a moment to herself, and when she’s finally able to speak, it’s not very elaborated. “Ouch” 

Rubbing her forehead, Taylor sighs. “Sorry, that was very judgy of me” 

“It was definitely unexpected,” Belly mutters.

“I’m sorry, honey” Taylor apologizes, leaning forward to hold her hands. “I’ve been in the backstage for years, watching you fall in love with Conrad, then Jeremiah. And a part of me always wondered what would happen if someday the older brother broke your heart in a way you could never put it back again” 

“That didn’t happen” 

“It almost did, Belly” Taylor whines. “Jeremiah helped you and you’re good again. But Conrad, not that he even realizes it, had a great power over you. It scares me a little” 

“That’s how love goes” Belly whispers, her throat a little tight. “When you love someone, they have that influence over you” 

“I know,” she nods, agreeing with her. “My problem was your blurred vision, which can make things harder in a relationship” Taylor sighs, picking her words carefully. “Let’s imagine a different scenario. Say you end things with Jeremiah and rekindle your romance with Conrad, that little voice in your head still speaking?” 

“Tay –“ 

“And I’ll make it easier for you, in this reality, people don’t have mental issues so no more depression, anxiety or anything that can affect you or your new boy toy. You think you two would still be together?” 

“You’re talking like Conrad’s diagnosis is an obstacle” Belly protests. 

Taylor shakes her head. “No, I’m not. I’m just trying to make you see the bigger picture here, because Conrad’s diagnosis was not a problem for me while it was for you” 

“I didn’t know at the time” Belly defends herself. “I thought he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore so I reacted badly. But I can help him now, I just need him to be open with me”

“Newsflash, Belly, that’s not his pattern. I didn’t grow up with the guy and still know how he works better than you” Belly rolls her eyes, curling her lips at her friends innuendo. “Now let’s go back, in this different reality, are you ready to face the consequences of your choices, including your insecurities about him?” 

Frowning, the brunette starts fidgeting. “What kind of consequences?” 

“The kind you faced when you chose Jeremiah” Taylor clarifies. “But now you’re older and you know better what to expect. What will your reaction be when he pushes you away again? Because that’s a plausible possibility. Or you think your relationship will be stronger now? You think you two can survive this? And by this I mean everything that was a problem for you two before, and a lot of things that will be now” 

Deep down, that little voice was screaming a big ‘yes’ inside her head. This time, Belly actually thought they could survive and overcome everything.

Simultaneously, her heart hurts for Jeremiah. She still remembers the look on Conrad’s face when he caught them kissing in his car. Using her imagination, Belly can picture it happening with Jeremiah, and a piece of her broke. How selfish of her, trying to put another Fisher boy in pain just so she could be happy with the other one. 

Besides, Belly doesn’t know if Conrad still wants her. Love her. Or wants anything to do with her after everything. He was nice enough at Cousins but it doesn’t mean he wants to be with her, let alone be friends again. 

And this time, if things didn’t work out, Belly didn’t know how shitty things would become. Taylor was right. They were not ready. She wasn't ready.

With a sigh, Belly shakes her head. “You’re right. Me and Conrad... I don’t think... It’s just better this way. We can be friends while I'm with Jere. It’s easier now” 

Taylor crosses her arms against her chest. “You know, this is not the first time I hear you speak about your relationship with Jere as easy” 

“There’s something wrong with it?” 

“No, it’s healthy to want uncomplicated things and I get it, Jere is perfect. It’s just something Steven told me awhile ago, about you needing someone who challenges you... I guess I mentioned something about it to you” Taylor rambles to herself. Swallowing her thoughts, she decides to change topics. “Okay, I'm gonna hate myself for it but I need to ask this, you still haven’t talked about the dream” 

“Taylor –“ Belly groans.

“Was it hot? Or was it sweeter?” the blonde guesses with a grin. “You never mentioned anything about your sex life with Conrad, I need some material to work with” 

“I never said anything because it was not like it happened with frequency” 

Taylor scoffs. “Come on, Belly, are you really trying to make me believe you only had sex once at the beach house? I’m not stupid, honey” 

Belly blushes at her friend's suggestion. And she was right, that night wasn’t their only time. Belly still recalls some other hot encounters they had, one more at Cousins when morning came, a few escapades at her house when he came to visit her and a couple at the backseat of his car. They were fast, too fast for Belly’s liking considering how hot Conrad looked every time she saw him and all the lost time they had to catch up to. 

“It was not once” Belly admits and Taylor shrieks. 

“I knew it,” Taylor chuckles. “So, how is he? Dominant, soft, sexy?” 

Belly bites her lip. “He’s definitely assertive” 

Taylor hums. “Okay, what else? I need some more details” 

Belly lets herself dream about a few moments in their little past together. “He’s very considerate, always making sure I’m comfortable with what we’re doing, especially on those first times” 

“I definitely like that” Taylor comments with a grin. “Finally some green points for him”

“And consent? I never thought consent could be so hot during...” Belly pauses, feeling embarrassed with her own words.

“Sex, Belly. You can say the word because you’re already describing it” her friend completes her sentence with a smug face. “And I agree with you, consent is hot. So he was not sweet? I always thought he would be the sweet kind” 

“There was sweet” Belly admits. “But there wasn’t too”

Taylor shrieks. “You little slut, Isabel. Who would’ve guessed” 

“There were times when we had to be fast, there wasn’t much to work with” 

“Okay, okay, so what about the dream? What was it like?” 

Belly lies against the couch, reminiscing the dream vividly. “We were at the beach house, alone and it was like nothing else existed, only the two of us... And it was sweet and calm at the beginning and then...” 

“And then it got hot and heavy because that house is like an aphrodisiac for you two” Taylor guesses and Belly’s blushing it’s her confirmation. “That sounds good, I would definitely read that fanfic” 

Belly shakes her head, laughing to herself. “You’re the worst” 

“Maybe” she shrugs. “Now be honest with me, did that dream cross your mind when you were in bed with Jeremiah? Because that could be weird” 

Belly looks down, letting her gaze fixed at her hands. “Not exactly” 

“What do you mean?” 

With a sigh, Belly lifts her eyes to stare at her friend. “It means Jere and I haven’t done it yet” 

“What?” Taylor asks exasperated.

“Please don’t judge” Belly pleads and Taylor shakes her head.

“I’m not, I’m just trying to understand what is going on here” she defends herself. “You’re with the guy for over a year now, almost two, longer than you’ve been with Conrad. What’s stopping you?” 

“Honestly? I don’t know” she shrugs, feeling lost.

“Come on, Belly, there has to be something. Jeremiah is like a walking dream, why are you not jumping his bones?” 

“It’s not that I don’t want him, I do. But it feels like I’m not ready yet” 

“I swear I don’t get it... You are not ready to have sex with Jeremiah but you were ready to do it with Conrad?” 

“It’s not like that” Belly protests. “With Conrad... it seemed right, like we were both exactly where we should be” 

“Okay, and it doesn’t feel that way with Jere?” Taylor inquiries, not believing her friend.

“I don’t know how to explain it, okay? It's just...” 

In the absence of Belly’s words, Taylor leans forward, grabbing Belly’s hand and smiling condescendingly at her. “I get it, Cinderbelly. Sometimes things are just the way they are”

Frowning, Belly curls her lips. “So you won’t tell me that I should just forget it and go ahead with Jere?” 

Shaking her head, Taylor sighs. “No, I won’t” 

“Are you feeling alright? Because that’s not something you would say” 

With a deep breath, Taylor stares at the ceiling before speaking. “I don’t like admitting it, but I think I was wrong” 

“About what?” 

“I don’t know, but I guess I was wrong about you and Jere and maybe I had some influence in your actions” 

“Wait a minute” Belly interrupts her. “I didn’t choose him because you liked him better, I chose him because I loved him” 

“I know that. I’m just saying that maybe things happened a little too fast. Maybe you should have waited a little more before you two got together, but I feel like I got into your head about Jeremiah and things escalated pretty quickly after that” 

“Hey, that was not what happened” Belly tries to soothe Taylor, but the blonde was not having it. “Maybe we got together fast but that was not you. That decision belonged to me and Jere” 

Taylor nods, but Belly notices her uncertainty. “Tay, you would tell me if you’re thinking I’m making the wrong choice here, right? With Jeremiah” 

“Of course I would, honey. You’re my best friend, I would never stay quiet if I had anything to say to you” Taylor sighs, feeling a little lost. “I just worry about you, so no more rushing things like having sex or any more important steps in your relationship, okay?” 

Chuckling, Belly hugs her friend. “You sound like he’s proposing to me” 

Hugging her back, Taylor laughs along. “You mock me but these kinds of things give me nightmares”. She lets Belly go, gazing at the TV, where Damon Salvatore was in the middle of a heroic act to save Elena. “You made me miss my favorite episode with this, and now we will have to put this one again so I can watch my TV husband kicking asses and being hot while doing it” 

“Ugh, I don’t get why you like him,” Belly says, teasing her. At her second rewatch, Damon became her favorite too. 

“I don’t know. I guess older brothers are always the better choice” Taylor says shrugging, not putting much thought in her words. 

But her sentence doesn’t go unnoticed by Belly, who stares at the TV without paying attention. She wonders if that wasn’t Taylor’s subconscious speaking.

Did Taylor still think Jeremiah was the better choice? 

She knows what happens at the end of season 3. But she also knows how dynamics change at the beginning of the fourth season. 

How can one be so sure about love, and suddenly not so sure anymore? 

 

What if he's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze, oh, what a way to die

I keep recalling things we never did

Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?

 

– Guilty as sin? by Taylor Swift 

 

Notes:

So, I just need to know... team Delena or team Stelena?

Chapter 7: That's the way I loved you

Notes:

Hello there!
It took me too long to post this one, life got in the way and I have strong feelings about this season.

This one is based on That's the way I loved you by Taylor Swift.

He can't see the smile I'm faking

And my heart's not breaking

'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all

And you were wild and crazy

Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated

Got away by some mistake and now

 

– That's the way I loved you by Taylor Swift 

 

Home. What a strange concept, Belly thought.

Usually, her home used to be in Philly, sharing a house with her mother and brother.

Home was banging at the bathroom door in the mornings so Steven would let her in. Home was pancakes waiting for her at the kitchen counter, along with a cup of orange juice.

This was home for so long, almost her whole life.

Then dynamics changed and suddenly her home had free bathrooms and no longer Steven’s loud music coming out of his room. Her pancakes were still part of her routine and driving to school made her feel more like a grown up.

Years passed and now Belly called her dorm at Finch home. A new friend was now part of the concept which luckily included her boyfriend. They saw each other everyday and college was finally everything Belly ever dreamed of.

Her grades were good, not spectacular but still reasonable. Taylor and Anika were essential parts of her days and at weekends her whole world belonged to Jeremiah.

So, when she was home – and by that she means her original home at Philly – Belly felt weird, especially after the fight. The fight she had with Jeremiah, and the one that ended their relationship. Or didn’t. Of course that wasn’t the end of it, they were just on a break, for God’s sake.

Spring Break sucks, Belly thinks to herself, wrapped at her blue blanket, lying at her bed.

At least she had the house to herself. She could pretend nothing was wrong and that maybe-ex-boyfriend-but-definitely-still-her-boyfriend wasn’t having fun at Cabo by himself, drinking with his friends while she was feeling sorry for herself.

Thinking her daughter would spend the break with her boyfriend, Laurel canceled the ballet they were going to watch and went to some writer’s retreat, or at least that’s what she wanted her children to think – Belly read a text at her phone confirming a trip she didn’t want anyone to know to Cousins to her dad, asking him to keep an eye on Belly – and Steven mentioned he was staying in Boston last time they talked, but nothing was certain.

Content to be alone, Belly groans when she hears the front door opening and Steven’s voice right after. He definitely saw her car in the driveway.

“Belly?” she can hear him shout, then his footsteps at the stairs. “Belly? What are you doing here?” he asks, showing up in the doorway.

Steven drops his bags next to her bed, taking a seat at the end of it. She pushes her blanket higher, but she’s aware that it won’t hide her red eyes. “What? This is my house too”

“I’m not stupid, dumbass. I know this is still your house” he shows back, sliding onto the bed to lean his back to the wall behind it. “I thought you were with Jeremiah in Cabo. I watched his stories when I stopped to grab something to eat”

Belly sighs, looking away. “Good for him,” she mutters. “What are you doing here? You were supposed to be with your Mia in Boston”

“Whoa, now that’s some aggressive behavior we have here. I needed some things from home”. Stevens frowns, finding her behavior odd. “What’s up with you today? You and Jere fought?” he guesses.

Belly nods, biting her lip, trying to hold her tears.

“That’s normal. Mia and I fight all the time. It will be alright” he dismisses, taking his phone out of his trousers pocket.

Feeling defeated, Belly drops her blanket, moving to a seating position. “This is not the same. We broke up this time” she says, almost whispering.

Steven froze mid text at his phone, putting it down to watch his sister. “Hey, that’s pretty normal. I mean, Taylor and I broke up a few times too when we were together” he tries to cheer her up.

Belly lets out a humorless laugh. “We are not like you and Taylor, okay? And you two are weird as shit, being broken up means nothing to you two. Just don’t patronize me”.

“I’m not patronizing you” he raízes his hands “I’m just saying all relationships have ups and downs. You’re just in a bad phase at the moment”

She shakes her head, fidgeting. “Can you be honest with me, for like two minutes?” She asks, irritated. “I know you didn’t like that I chose Jeremiah. You’re probably jumping right now”

“What?” he gasps. “What are you talking about? Jere is like my best friend” he counters.

“I know you don’t think I made the right choice when I chose him over Conrad”

Steven closes his eyes. “Taylor and her goddamn mouth” he mutters, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “What you do with your life has nothing to do with mine. That being said, I still like Jere, okay?”

“But you don’t think he’s right for me” Belly argues back.

“God, I just wanted a calm Spring Break” he groans, rubbing his eyes. “Belly, why this now? You didn’t ask for my opinion back then”

“Well, I’m asking it now” she pouts, crossing her arms against her chest.

Steven watches his sister for a minute. “I’m seconds away from calling Taylor here to help with this situation because I’m definitely not made for this. So, care to tell me what happened exactly?”

“We had a fight and broke up” Belly summarizes, not feeling up to tell him the specifics.

“And you think this is permanent?”

“I don’t know, I guess it’s temporary” she shrugs. “We didn’t break up before and this is like my first time doing it”

“You and Conrad never broke up before?” he asks, frowning. “I mean, not before the final one”

Belly shakes her head, curling her lips while reminiscing about that fateful prom night.

“I guess it’s understandable. Your relationship was a fast one” he sighs. “And you think it’s temporary, so this is a pointless conversation”

Belly slips closer to him, mimicking his position sitting against the wall. “You think we can come back from this?”

“Probably? I don’t know, but I guess Jere loves you, and he will probably call you soon telling he’s sorry about everything” Steven guesses tiredly. Contrary to his usual self, this break was meant to rest, not confused conversations with little sisters.

Fidgeting, Belly stares down at her fingers. “Can I ask you a question? Have you ever had second thoughts about Taylor?”

Steven drops his head to the side, narrowing his eyes. “Did Taylor put you up to this? Is she having doubts about us? Because she was the one who broke things up this time”

“What? No” Belly denies frowning. “She didn’t say anything and I guess I made things weird. Never mind what I said”

With a deep breath, Steven sobers his facial expression. “I know I’m gonna regret this, but Belly, are you questioning your relationship with Jeremiah?”

Biting her lip, Belly takes her time before answering. “I don’t know… I don’t have much to compare to but I just have this feeling that with Conrad things were different. Like, at this moment, we wouldn’t have the same fight Jere and I had and we wouldn’t have broken up like Jere and I did. At least not for this particular reason”

Steven nods, choosing his words. “That’s understandable. You knew how different they were before you started dating them, you grew up with these guys. Obviously, dating them would be different”

“I know that, I’m not stupid” Belly snaps, throwing her hands in the air. “What I’m saying is that me and Conrad… we wanted the same things, and I don’t know if it was the long distance but we were perfectly fine talking hours on the phone, with an ordinary conversation” she sighs, pushing her hair behind her ears with her hands. “It was easy, and before everything went to shit, it was so good”

“And with Jeremiah?”

“He’s a social butterfly” she shrugs with a humorless laugh. “It’s always some party, or if we wanna hang out together it has to be at his frat along with his friends, and they all smoke so much weed... And we have to eat what he wants because of his allergies, so this means his favorite restaurants which are always so expensive and it makes me feel bad because he’s always paying - ”

“You’re upset because he’s paying for your meals?” Steven interrupts her, confused.

“I’m upset because we always have to do things his way” she huffs, crossing her arms at her chest. “God, it’s so annoying having to deal with his need to be sociable all the time when all I want is just to be in my room, watching a movie. Or just have to bend or else he pouts like a child until I do his way”

Steven shakes his head, curling his lips. “This sounds like his normal self, pretty Jeremiah standard to me”

Belly gives him a side eye, with a grimace. “Say it, Steven. We both know you’re dying to say how wrong we are for each other and you knew it all the time”

“That’s what you think?” he inquired, trying not to say what was going inside his head. “You think you two are incompatible?”

“I don’t know” she says exasperated. “Two people can be different, have different tastes and still be together, right? Look at you and Taylor”

He shakes his head. “Okay, you have to stop mentioning me and your best friend. Our relationship had nothing to do with yours” Steven retorts. “And you haven’t answered my question”

Sheepishly, Belly stares down at her lap. “Sometimes this idea crosses my mind, that we are too different, and we will always want different things at life… and honestly, it scares me”

“Why is it scary?” Steven indulges her rumbling carefully. “You think this is something you won’t be able to handle long term?”

She shrugs. “I can see a future with him. I honestly do. But I also pictured the same thing with Conrad and look at us now” she ends with a humorless laugh.

“From my point of view, seeing a future with Con or Jere was more related to the fact that we considered each other family, so yes, either way you will have both of them with you”

Belly rolls her eyes. “You know what I meant”

“I do, but I’m not trying to mess with your head more than already is” he mocks and she slaps his chest.

“Very funny”

“Now, seriously, what’s with talking about having second doubts? The fight was so bad?”

She shrugs. “We made plans, he changed them in a blink of an eye. Obviously I got upset about it, but he picked a fight out of nowhere”

“You mean Cabo?”

“It’s just… we got so busy and never had time to go back to Cousins, so we thought it would be nice to spend some time there. And he’s always complaining about how his father never has time for him and they had plans together, and suddenly it doesn’t bother him anymore because his friends invited him to travel to Cabo”

“If Cabo was a thing, why didn't you go with him?”

“Because I’m not filthy rich and I can’t just throw my credit card on the line every time I feel like it, just like he does” she snaps. “Besides, he first told me that was going to be only the guys, then I found out some other girls were invited too”

Steven hums to himself. “Now I get it”

“You get what?”

“You’re having second doubts because Conrad would never do something like that, am I right?”

Belly sighs, biting her lip. “It's not just a dumb trip but the whole picture, I guess?” she mumbles. “Besides, we never had this conversation”

He frowns. “About your love life? I rather not to, I think I’ll leave this to Taylor”

“Steven” she calls, sobering up. “Why did you never say anything?”

“Because it’s not my business” he replies. “And to be honest, you never asked”

“Well, I’m asking now”

“You think I’m going to answer this now? And risk you changing your mind again? No way” he chuckles to himself.

“Stop being an ass, you make me sound like a spoiled little girl” she slaps his arm. “I’m being serious, why did you think Conrad was the best choice back then?”

With a deep breath, he turns to her. “Honestly, I don’t think there was ever a choice to be made”

“What?” she gasps, frowning. “Of course there was, and I did”

“You were hurt and were ignorant to most of the things that were happening at the moment” he counters.

“So you think that if I knew then what I know now, I would choose differently?”

“I think that from where I stand, if things hadn’t gone bad, Jeremiah would never have a chance against Conrad”

“Now I think you might be a little delusional,” Belly laughs, not believing his words.

He shrugs. “Say what you want, but it was me who stood in the back, watching you fall more in love with Conrad every summer we went to Cousins”

“It’s not news that I’ve pinned over him since forever, that doesn’t change anything”

“No, it doesn’t” he agrees with her. “But I also watched him fall for you. And every time he was in the picture, it was like nothing else existed for you”

She gulps down hard. “It was a childish thing, Steven, let it go. I know I did”

“But that’s the thing, Belly” he insists. “You two grew up together, and while Jere was always concerned about having fun and excluding you because we were a boys group, Conrad made sure you were there with us, making you feel included. Am I wrong?” he questions and Belly stays quiet, drowning in her memories. Steven was correct, Conrad was integrated in every memory she has of Cousins. And while the boys always made fun of her, Conrad was always the one protecting her from their bully.

“So you think he’s right for me because he wasn’t an ass growing up?” she guesses tiredly. This was more exhausting than she initially thought.

“I think he’s the one for you because he saw you when we didn’t want to. And for more reasons, he was always there to make sure you were okay, challenging you to your best” he chuckles, breaking the tension. “God, it was so annoying. We wanted to have fun and he was always staying behind to help you out”

With a light smile to herself, she daydreams about the past. “It was not annoying for me”

Steven nods. “I know it wasn’t. I’m just saying, he saw you, from the beginning, and was always there helping you reach the next level”

Shaking her head, Belly steps back into reality. “Well, that changed fast enough when me and Jere started dating”

Pondering his words, Steven stares down at his jeans. “He loves you, distancing himself from you should come as a surprise”

“Loved” she corrects him. “I don’t think he still feels the same way about me”

Curling his lips, Steven stands up. “I don’t think a day will pass and he won’t feel anything but love towards you. And in my opinion, that goes for you too”

“What? No, I love Jere” she protests vehemently. She fails to mention that deep down, he was telling the truth. Christmas was proof of it. 

“I never said you didn’t love Jere, I’m just saying you could never stop loving Conrad. Am I wrong?” he inquires and her silence is all he needs. He starts walking to the door, stopping at the threshold. “Stop fretting over your relationship, you and Jeremiah will be alright”

She nods to herself. “What about Conrad?” she can't help but ask, in a lower tone.

“What about him?” 

“Do you think it will ever be normal between us again?” 

“Define normal” 

“Steven” she warns. 

“Everything in it’s time, Bells” he sings and she huffs. “Meanwhile, the next time you wanna have meaningful conversations like this, call Taylor and leave me out of it, okay?”

She throws a pillow over him, missing him for seconds. And in a moment of weakness, she opens her Instagram checking Jeremiah’s stories, watching him having the time of his life in Mexico. Already questioning her sanity, she does the same with Conrad, groaning in frustration when she sees no new stories of him.

A bad voice inside her head questions if Conrad would ever leave her to go to Mexico with his friends. Belly slams her head at her pillow because she already knows the answers.

 

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain

And It's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name

You're so in love that you act insane

And that's the way I loved you

Breaking down and coming undone

It's a roller coaster kind of rush

And I never knew I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you

 

– That's the way I loved you by Taylor Swift

 

Notes:

So, I don't like Steven in this season and I just don't get it how could they make him do dense about Conrad and his feelings. I wrote this chapter months ago and wondered if it would be a good idea to post it all things considered, but decided to follow through with season 2 Steven.

So this is the last chapter, tell me your thoughts about it and let's pray the next episode bring us some good.

Notes:

So, I'm a little rusty but tell me your thoughts about this and see you next chapter ❤️