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Why did she try?
Why on earth did she try?
She was always the carer. Never the cared.
Thats what she always thought. Every Time she walked to her room. She was always so joyful.. Maybe she should just stop.
Maybe she should just abstract.
She messed up so bad today. She fucked up.
Pomni doesn't like her anymore.. Well at least she thinks. She hopes not. God, she hopes not..
Everyone must thinks shes weird.. She's breaking. Everyone must think she at her breaking point. That she'll be gone soon.
She can see it on their faces.
She'll end up like these doors shes walking past every night.
She'll end up just like Ribert..
She turned to Riberts door. She can't remember whether she misses him or not. He was always an ass. Just like Jax.
She snapped at Jax today.
She shouldn't have mentioned Ribert.
They're all lost members. Even if they were mean… no-one deserves this.
Her fingers grazed against Riberts crossed out face on his door. But instead of the solid wood, she was met with the door slightly pushing back.
Why isn't it locked..?
She hesitantly stepped inside, but at the familiar sight on the floor, she paused.
That purple foot.
Why in the hell was Jax…? Oh. Right.
She met Jax's eyes as he glanced up, a shocked and vulnerable look on his face.
A rare sight.
“.. Why the [#$!?] are you here?” His voice was rough. Stern. Angry.
She paused, still staring at him. She realised she was staring wide eyed before avoiding eye contact. “I was just.. mourning.. How.. How did you get in here?”
“Keys.”
Jeez.. He was rough. He obviously was just over it.
She wasn't used to him being this… this.. She didn't even know. She paused, before stepping inside the room, closing the door behind her.
She glanced at the once familiar room. The mass insanity all over each wall.
Exit. Exit. Exit.
The same word repeated in a mental panic before he was gone.
She couldn't imagine how Jax felt.
She was still mad at him…
Right?
She didn't even know.
She slid her back down the door, now sitting beside Jax. Who shuffled away.
“Can you [!?] off..”
Yeesh. ..He really doesn't like her.
“I'm sorry.”
She didn't even realise the words came from her mouth until after they did. Yet, she couldn't make out whether she regret it or not.
Did she like Jax?
As a person?
At all?
She.. She felt bad.. but she actually like him..?
She glanced to Jax, who just stared at ground angry.
“No you're not.”
“Yes I am.”
She immediately retaliated, as per usual.
“Why can't you just accept that?” She stated, her brows furrowing in annoyance.
“.. you never mean anything you say. Its all empty. We can all tell. We know you never mean it.”
What?
.. What?
“I do..? What.. What are you on?!”
She got defensive.
Did they all think she didn't care?
“I mean it! I- I won't just say I'm sorry without meaning it!?”
Jax then turned to her annoyance in his face. He was… he was so oddly silent.
“.. Then props to you. Just another thing I wish I had.”
Huh?
“Jax.. What do you mean?”
Silence.
She was met with silence.
“Jax. Answer me.”
“What don't you get?! I wish I was you. I want to be you.”
Why on earth…
Why in hell would he..?
He hated her?
“I want to be loved. You're so.. Nice!? I can't.. You make me physically sick! I want.. How…”
He couldn't get the words out.
And neither could she.
“I'm so [&$!?]ing jealous! I- i [&$!?]ing hate you for it! You make me so.. annoyed?! Feel so… hated yet loved.”
He's kidding right..?
Of course he is…
Surely…
He-
She's at a loss for words.
But yet, her mouth lets a few words slip.
“I.. always wanted to be you..”
Jax stopped his rant, glancing at Ragatha in confusion and rage.
“What in the hell do you mean?”
She glanced up at him, guilt in her eyes.
“I wanted to be able to lash out. I wanted to be able to be… just.. You! I want to be able to be as rude as I am and have friends! I want people to know there is something wrong and know that I'm not okay even if I act like I am all the time!”
Jax just only got angrier.
He wasn't shocked. He wasn't sorry. He didn't care.
He was mad.
“Me?! You think I have friends?!” He screamed, his teeth going jagged and sharp. “Nobody [&$!?]ing likes me, Rags! No-one! The only person who did is gone and I'm sitting in his empty room!”
She felt a sorrow. A guilt.
But a rage was simmering in the back.
She listened to him, she felt sorry. All he did was yell.
“No-one likes me either, Jax! You think I can't tell how they just think i'm being nice!? I know it!”
She yelled, yet her voice was more emotional. She sounded on the verge of tears, if they could cry.
“I'm just everyones [&$!?]ing therapist! I'm the mother for everyone else! I'm the mother I wish I had!”
Jax showed little to no sympathy. He just stayed mad. A flicker of guilt flashed for a minute, but Ragatha blinded by rage couldn't see that.
“Yeah, well.. fuck you too, I guess. We're stuck in this god forsaken place together. Just.. Deal with it.”
Deal with it?
DEAL WITH IT?!
“I WILL NOT JUST…. JUST DEAL WITH IT?!”
Jax paused again, looking at her now with shock. The first amount of shock in this entire interaction.
“GIVE ME SOME [&$!?]ING CLOSURE HERE?! I am trying my hardest! Please.. Just.. Just give me this…”
The stinging prick of tears hit her.
It didn't concern her.
Not at first.
She was finally able to cry.
It wasn't until she began to see black. When her hand turned into jagged glitchy parts, did she panic.
She shuffled back quickly, glancing up at Jax as he stared at her with shock and.. Somewhat fear..?
She tried to calm her breathing, but it failed miserably.
She needed help.
But Jax was frozen.
She gripped onto the wall. To stabilise herself.
She was… she couldn't..
Not yet…
Not…
She reached for Jax, needing someone.
Anyone.
And he only paused.
He was frozen.
Did he not care?
He would just let her die?
She sobbed again, before everything was almost black. Until she was almost dead.
Till she felt cold.
Motionless.
Yet she was still there.
A faint warmth.
Ever so faint.
She tried her hardest to stay.
Seeking the warmth.
Seeking what she so desperately needed.
Her hand..
The warmth.
Her numb body could only sense the warmth.
She used her remaining strength to grip as tight as she could.
Gripping.
… just…
A little more…
…
A sudden overwhelming warmth envolped her.
The warmth she yearned for, she had finally obtained.
Her vision faded back in, her body regaining its feel. The numbness from before finally returning.
The artificial warmth of something.
Someone..
And with a glance down, she spot the familiar sight on the floor.
That purple foot.