Chapter Text
"There's things that I have done
You never should ever know
And without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone, forever now"
❦ This is How I Disappear- My Chemical Romance ❦
March 31st, 2024. 9:30 a.m.
Mikasa should have expected this. Everything he had done so far was leading up to it. His unread texts from the night before, his blank empty expression towards the end of his birthday party, she could tell something was off last night. Even before he said anything, especially then. Eren could never hide his emotions, no matter how hard he tried.
She had only been dating Eren for about a month, how could he get tired of her so easily? They’d been best friends this whole time, it didn’t make much sense. His reasoning for breaking up with her left her more confused than anything. It was all very off and very vague. Even for Eren. She could not come up with a plausible explanation. But ultimately she knew, it was always gonna end like this. She would never get the peace she truly wanted. She never did. And it’s not like she deserved any better.
That month had been one of the best in her life. She spent her birthday with him, and their best friends. He held her so tightly after she wished upon the candles of her birthday cake. For everything to stay as it is, with all of them. One month. He gave her one month. The span of time between her 19th birthday and his. That is all he was able to give to her, apparently. All she seemed to deserve. It couldn’t stop replaying in her head. The harsh and disorienting words he had said that morning before he left. How far away he seemed when he decided to break her heart. She’s surprised it’s even beating now.
Everything had been fine the previous morning. She had sent him a long heartfelt text wishing him a happy birthday. This one was different from ones she had sent previous years, he was finally hers. He had responded with similar enthusiasm. I can’t wait to see you later, Miki. He had always called her that, the only person who did. The only person she let herself be soft with. But even that seemed extra special now that they were in a relationship. Almost everything they did now seemed different. Better.
She spent that morning shuffling about in her room trying on different combinations of clothes. Eventually she settled on a black dress with beautiful lace detailing at the neckline. A few of her favorite necklaces and a couple of bracelets that went along with the cute dangly earrings she put on. Her gothic style hadn’t changed much since high school, she was just more sophisticated now. Something fit for a young woman like herself. Her cheeks were more rosy now, too. But nothing could take her away from her signature dark eye look. She absolutely loved it. And she wanted to look especially lovely today. Eren would only be turning 19 once, after all.
Eren was having a small gathering at his and Armin’s apartment. It was a nice place near the university. His half of the rent was being paid off by his dad, Grisha. Eren did not like that one bit. But he knew his dad was doing it as a way to push Eren towards his same footsteps. Go to Paradis University as a pre-med student and eventually become a surgeon like me. Eren hated his dad’s plan, he wasn’t even sure he’d follow through with it, but at the very least he got to be with Armin and Mikasa.
Armin was lucky they lived so near the ocean, it made being a marine biology major and doing a daily commute with Eren to the university a great choice. Mikasa was a little less lucky. Her parents would never let her room with her two male friends. They were very strict about that. She was lucky they even let her hang out with them growing up. But she was fortunate in the sense that she’d be able to go to the same university as them. Not very many childhood friends get to stay close in college, and Mikasa knew that. She knew how lucky she was that her two favorite people in the world were able to enter this next chapter with her. And she wouldn’t take that for granted.
She also knew not to take for granted that Paradis University had a great psychology program, her major of choice. She almost felt too lucky that the university in their hometown was prestigious enough for Grisha to encourage Eren to go to and great enough for both her and Armin. She felt too lucky recently.
Her first semester went swimmingly. Her classes were great, her peers were lovely, she could almost, almost forget that at the end of the school day, she had to commute back to her parents’ home. It wasn’t just the fact that Armin and Eren had the opportunity to spend more time together in their apartment. It was the fact that she felt she was missing out a bit on the learning experience of being independent of her parents. No matter how hard she tried, she could never let go of their iron grip.
Eren’s birthday party was nothing too big. He didn’t really like crowds or parties. He just wanted a day to spend with the people closest to him. His friends and his girl. That was all he needed. Birthdays and holidays were really the only times everyone could see each other without any obstacles as of late. They hadn’t really seen Ymir and Historia since high school graduation, since they had both moved abroad for university. Connie and Sasha went to Paradis University as well, but their schedules never seemed to align with the rest of them. Jean’s schedule aligned more with Armin’s, so Eren never really got to see him either. His birthday would be a great opportunity to finally catch up with all of them properly.
Armin had been helping him prep that morning. He was the one gathering all the foods and beverages, he was the main cook of the group. Mikasa was the first to show up, of course. She wanted to have some extra time with Eren before everyone else came over. And before Armin came back from his grocery shopping trip. She had Eren’s birthday gift in hand. When he opened the door to her he had seemed happy, genuinely happy. The smile on his face had immediately settled the nerves she felt about showing him the gift she had prepared for him.
They had gone to his room, it was her favorite place to be at this point. All his band posters, his comic book collection, his old tattered up baseball bat his older brother, Zeke, had gifted him a couple years prior. Everything that Eren loved and all the little things she appreciated about him could be found in this room. It was always their designated hang out spot when the others weren’t around. Their little hiding place away from the world, reserved for each other.
“I know you’re supposed to open up all your gifts later but I wanted you to open up mine first,” Mikasa rambled excitedly. Not being able to stop the smile etched on her flushed face. Her heart was racing again and her shaky hands were a little sweaty now.
Eren unwrapped the gift box brusquely but also with anticipation. He knew whatever she had gotten him would be something he would love. The first thing out of the box was a sketchbook. He looked up at her, her smile still radiant as always. He looked at the box again, picked out some graphite pencils. The best kind, he could tell.
“I wanted you to have something that would inspire you to keep working on your art.” She started shyly.
“I know how your parents are but I don’t think you should let them stop you from engaging in your passion…I should know, I’m very wise. I’ve been nineteen for a month, you know?” Mikasa joked. She only did that when she was nervous. She was a bit apprehensive about how Eren would react to her gift.
He hadn’t really picked up a sketchbook since they started college. Grisha would show up from time to time to make sure Eren was on track with his general classes and the pre-med stuff. It was blocking him from his true passion. Art. The only people who knew this about him were Mikasa and Armin. Armin knew what it was like to be afraid of taking action, so he never pushed Eren in pursuing it. But Mikasa did. She wasn’t trying to be coercive and pushy but she wanted him to be motivated to stay true to himself, hence this gift.
Eren smiled at her joke, “Thank you, Miki, these are good. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to get back into things if you don’t want to, but just… if you still want to… you should have the tools to.” She picked out one last thing from the gift box. It was a book, a large one.
“I bought this one because it has really cool drawing techniques and tips in it. It even has tips on how to draw anatomy so Grisha can’t be too mad at this one…”
Mikasa smiled awkwardly, “I just want you to do what you love, even if it can’t be your main thing, like a career, I just hope you don’t give up on it altogether, Eren.”
She put the book down and grabbed both of his hands in her own, he couldn’t stop smiling now. Eternally grateful for the girl sitting in front of him. The one person who always saw potential in him and never gave up on him or his dreams. Even when he had given up on himself.
“I’ll try to draw again. I’ve honestly missed it these few months. And you’re right, even if it isn’t the main thing, doesn’t mean I have to disregard it altogether.” He leaned in to kiss her, the way he seemed to do when he couldn’t quite put into words how much her presence meant to him.
“I love you, Mikasa, thank you for never giving up on me.”
“I love you, too. And I never will, I promise.”
Before they knew it, Armin was home with all the groceries.
“Did you guys even put up any of the decorations? We have to get everything together before everyone gets here!” Armin exclaimed as he set down the grocery bags on the dining room table.
Mikasa went up to him and put one hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Armin. I’ll put up all the decorations really fast. Eren will help me.” She hoped her reassurance would ease Armin’s nerves.
The three worked like a unit. The food was ready and set on the dining table in no time. The drinks were put away in the fridge and the cake in the freezer. The decorations were displayed beautifully around the living and dining room. Armin finally let out a breath of relief.
Sasha and Connie were the first few to arrive after everything was set. Surprisingly on time.
“Happy birthday, Eren! How does it feel to be nineteen? Feeling any older and wiser yet?” Sasha asked.
“I feel the same way I did yesterday, Sasha. But I’ll let you know if anything changes.” Eren replied. She couldn’t help but to burst out in laughter at the serious tone of voice he used in his reply.
“You’re gonna love the gift I got you, dude.” Connie held a mischievous grin on his face as he got closer to Eren and ruffled at his shaggy hair. Eren quickly tried to fix it with a slight frown. Just as he was about to ask Connie about the gift, he hears a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it!” says Mikasa as she heads to open the door. It’s Jean. She greets him with a polite smile. He does the same as he walks over to Eren.
Things had been awkward between Jean and Mikasa ever since she had officially started dating Eren. It was an unspoken fact that Jean had been in love with her since they had met freshman year of high school. Now he was trying his best to keep a respectful distance from her. It made little moments like this one a bit awkward between them. But ultimately Mikasa hoped Jean would get over his infatuation for her in time. She really didn’t like hurting him like this.
Jean had brought some extra drinks for the night. A couple of six packs of beer, a few bottles of vodka, and some mixers that Connie helped him get out of the trunk of his car. Armin and him quickly set out to prepare glasses for everyone.
Ymir and Historia got there shortly after. It was to be expected that they would arrive later in the night. They’d flown all the way from Marley. They looked a bit exhausted but also happy to see everyone.
After wishing Eren a happy birthday, Ymir poured herself a drink. “You guys have no idea how lucky you are over here. Seriously, who sets the drinking age to 21? One of the many reasons Paradis is better than Marley!” As much as Ymir liked the life she had made for herself with Historia in Marley, she couldn’t help but to miss all these little things about Paradis. Like how the drinking age there was 18 and not 21. But most of all, she missed having her friends around. And she could tell Historia had missed them too.
Historia quickly settled into the habit of gathering with her girls, updating Mikasa and Sasha on everything that had been happening this past semester. It was so good to finally see them and be able to talk to them in person.
A couple of drinks in, and Connie begging Eren to open his gift from him early, the group had settled on the floor and on the couch of the living room. The gift had been a video game that both Connie and Eren had been waiting and anticipating to come out for months. While it was technically a gift for Eren, Connie knew the expense was worth it since it gave him an excuse to come over and play it with him. Mikasa and Ymir were oddly enough fixated on the game as well, it had really cool horror elements which made them jump every so often at the jump scare scenes. Ymir would sometimes chime in and tell Connie to run from the monsters in the game faster.
“Come on, Connie! Let me play! I’ll actually get to the next level faster!” Ymir exclaimed.
“Actually, Ymir, can you cover for me? I gotta go pee real quick.” Eren asked as he paused the game and handed his console to Ymir.
He quickly headed down the hall to the bathroom but saw that it was closed, the light inside peering out from the hall. He knocked on the bathroom door, “Are you gonna take a while? I really need to go.”
Historia answered him, “I’ll be out in a sec! Sorry!” The next thing he heard was a bunch of shuffling and random noise, like she was trying to hurry up. As he heard the door unlock she got out as fast as she could, practically stumbling. She could be a bit of a lightweight at times. And because the hallway was the darkest part of the apartment, she tripped.
Eren rolled his eyes a bit at her clumsiness, as it still stalled him from the bathroom. But nonetheless, he held his arm out for her so she could get up.
But that is when it happened. He remembered it. Everything . Absolutely everything. A past life in Paradis. Titans, death, destruction. The major role he played in it all. Too struck to properly realize this memory recovery was triggered when he helped Historia up just now.
“Ow, you shocked me!” He could barely decipher the words he heard come out of Historia, too fixated on the mess and catastrophe that had just flooded into his mind. He didn’t even look back. Just went into the bathroom, locking the door shut. Letting more and more memories hit him all at once.
Mikasa was in the kitchen, preparing a coffee for Historia. The poor girl needed to sober up and Mikasa was prepared for the task. Eren had just gotten out of the restroom. He was attempting to pour himself a glass of water when Mikasa noticed his shaky hands.
“Hey, you okay?” she whispered it softly to him, so the others wouldn’t overhear.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” His eyes told a different story, though. He practically looked shell shocked, his pupils were blown, and his jaw was clenched.
Mikasa furrowed her brows at that. She was trying not to overthink it too much. Maybe he was just a little tired or overstimulated. It happens. She tried to convince herself. Bringing the coffee for Historia and sitting next to her on the couch of the living room, Mikasa absentmindedly let the rest of the night pass, catching glances at Eren, who still looked like he wasn’t all there. Guess they had that in common.
Mikasa was the last to leave, having helped Armin clean up. Eren helped too, but he still wasn’t saying anything. She was really worried now.
When it was time to say goodbye for the night, he gave her a quick peck on the lips and what could barely be considered a hug. His eyes hadn’t changed and his hands were still shaky, she could sense it.
Her goodnight texts to him back at home were left unread, making her super anxious. She was shaking now, too. Mikasa knew she sometimes did this, got fixated and paranoid that he would leave her. She had to calm herself down. Try to get some sleep and just talk it out with him in the morning. Maybe it was truly nothing.
Still groggy from sleep, Mikasa got up quickly from bed. The doorbell had woken her up and both of her parents weren’t home, so it was her job to answer it. On the other side of the door was Eren.
“Are you okay?” She asked, rubbing her eyes, trying to wake herself up. She still felt a bit anxious from the night before.
“We need to talk.” His tone is harsh as he walks into the house. His eyes are bloodshot. Almost like he’d been crying.
“What is it?” There’s a slight shake in her voice. Her heart is beating out of her chest now, knowing that whatever comes next, can’t be any good.
“I’m leaving. I’m gonna room with Zeke for a bit. I just– I can’t be here any longer.”
“What? You’re joking, right?”
“No. I thought about it all night. I can’t do this anymore. Be here. Do whatever my dad wants me to do. I just need to leave. Do my own thing for a while. I’m tired of being what everyone else wants me to be.”
“Everyone else? What are you talking about?” She was really worried now, doing a weak attempt to hold back the tears that welled up in her eyes. Did he truly believe she or their friends were forcing him to just follow them along in college? Had he been unhappy this whole time? Was she really that terrible of a person? She could tell that she was catastrophizing, but his vagueness and plans didn’t reassure her of being misguided in the slightest.
“I’m talking about how you expect me to just go along with this. Go to classes I don’t wanna be in. Go to a school I don’t wanna be at. I feel trapped, Mikasa.” Mikasa. He only called her by her full name when he was serious. Or angry. He felt trapped because of her? Her mind was practically spiraling now.
“But I always encourage you to follow your passions! We even talked about it yesterday. Plus, I thought you liked it at our school. Being with us, being with me .” She sounded so sad, with her tears properly falling now. All he could do was avert his gaze. He couldn’t even look at her when he broke her heart.
“I need to get away. Think about what I want in life, without any external noise getting in the way. Zeke gets it. He gets how my parents are. He’s my real family. And I just need to be with family right now, away from all of this.”
“But I’m your family…” Mikasa replies completely dejected. One of the first things she remembers ever bonding with Eren over were their similar issues with their parents. Their first promise when their relationship started was that they would never end up like either sets of their parents. If they ever did get married, their family would be good. Healthy. They would be each other’s family, starting from that moment. She even made him pinky promise her. He had happily obliged.
“No, Mikasa. You’re just my girlfriend.” This time he did look at her, pupils so dilated, his green eyes practically looked black.
“Am I? Because if you’re leaving, it doesn’t seem to leave much room for us, does it?” She challenged him, hoping deep down that this fact alone could get him to reconsider.
But he didn’t answer. He just looked at her, and maybe she was wrong, but something about the way he watched her filled almost filled with disdain. Maybe even disgust. She couldn’t take it anymore. Her worst fears were coming true.
“Do you even still love me?” Mikasa asked in a soft voice. The voice she only used in her most vulnerable moments. But Eren felt so far away in that moment, she thought that maybe if she broke for him, he could come back to her in that moment. But he didn’t. He remained persistent. Dead set on pushing her away, on leaving her.
“This isn’t about that, I just can’t focus on anything else when all I do constantly is hate myself and my life. I can’t do it anymore. Please, Mikasa. Just let me go.” For all his vagueness, the self hatred part she knew she could believe. She could always tell when he was either lying or covering something up, but that part she knew was true. Maybe he hated himself for choosing her instead of choosing himself. Maybe this really was all her fault. And even though she needed him, she needed him to be happy more.
“I haven’t been making you happy, have I?’ That was all she could muster up at this point, her salty tears sticking to her face.
“You shouldn’t blame yourself for my choices. But it’s best if we go on our own for now. Eventually, you’ll see this was the best decision for us.” Eren’s words almost sounded heartfelt then. Almost.
He got closer to her, using his thumbs to wipe at any remaining tears. Mikasa felt the way one of his arms had wrapped around her waist, while the other cradled at her head. All she could do was stand still and let it happen. She just wasn’t there anymore, mentally checked out. He kissed the top of her hair, muttered an I’m sorry. Or maybe she imagined it. She couldn't tell anymore.
As fast as he got close to her personal space, he had left, shutting the door behind him, leaving her alone.
All alone again. She’d held a close dance with loneliness her whole life. Mikasa just thought that this time around it would’ve taken longer. But it didn’t. One month being his was all she would ever have. He left. The logical side of her brain had been constantly duelling her paranoia. But what could she do now? Knowing that ultimately, her paranoia had won that battle.
Mikasa went back up to her bedroom. Her dad was at work and her mom was out running errands. So she did what she best knew to do when her relationship to loneliness got too much to handle. She curled into a ball under the covers of her bed and cried herself to exhaustion. Leaving her head pounding and her whole body hurting. At least the physical pain could be a reminder that she was still alive. Nothing else felt real enough at the moment. Not Eren leaving, not the way she just stayed frozen as he said his goodbyes. Nothing. All that felt present was the pain. So she let it lull her to sleep. There seemed to be nothing else to do.