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I can't believe it. I cannot believe that he’s deliberately trying to cock this up. Who does he think he is, Ewan McGregor? He’s not even on the dole.
Mark grits his teeth and digs his nails into his palms as he watches Jeremy’s face contort in a fake spasm. He tries to glance over at Barbara’s clipboard, but he can’t really make out what she’s writing. He looks up at Jeremy again, who definitely winks at him.
After the interview is finished, they all stand up and shake hands, and then Jeremy saunters out of the office. Mark hangs back for a minute.
“So, uhm, do you think… do you think you’ll take him?”
Barbara sighs and then purses her lips. “To be honest, Mark, we haven’t had any other applications. The job is essentially just filing, and minimum wage filing at that. I’m happy to give him a chance since you’ve recommended him.”
“That’s fantastic, Barbara, thank you ever so much. I‘ll just go and tell him, shall I?”
Barbara nods and Mark dashes out of the room to catch up with Jeremy. Yes! Now he can’t turn it down without admitting he tried to throw the interview. Minimum wage… £50 a week rent, here I come! But it’s still not so much money that he’ll be able to actually afford his own place.
“Jez!” Mark calls down the corridor as he sees Jeremy approaching the lift. “Great news! You’ve got it!”
Jeremy turns back to face him, and for a split second he forgets to look pleased, before plastering an obviously fake grin across his face.
“Brilliant! Thanks a bunch, Mark!” He just about avoids sounding sarcastic. “Oh, this’ll be great. Living together, working together…we’re going to be together all the time!” He raises his eyebrows and looks intently into Mark’s eyes with a gleam that could only be described as devious.
Shit, I hadn ’t thought about that. Jeremy at home, Jeremy at work… he’s going to try and punish me for getting him this job, no doubt. At least I can order him around. File this, Jeremy, copy that, Jeremy, suck my - Christ, not that one again.
Mark presses the button for the lift. “You’re welcome, Jez. Now, I’ve got to stay here until five, so why don’t you head home and I’ll get your intake paperwork all ready for Monday, okay?”
Jeremy, to his credit, doesn’t even glare at Mark a little bit as he slinks into the lift and out of sight. Your work-shy freeloading days are over, mate.
***
Jeremy’s first few days at JLB go surprisingly well. Mark half expected him to do something ridiculous like put up one hundred photocopies of his cock all over the office, but much to Mark’s surprise, he actually seems to take to bustling around the building, fetching cups of tea and piles of documents hither and yon. He’s more cunning that I thought. He’s clearly going to ingratiate himself and then do something horrible to embarrass me into killing him and then I’ll have to resign and/or go to prison. The shithead.
Of course, Jeremy is constantly coming to visit Mark’s desk, hanging around to chat or aimlessly move Mark’s pens about, which is a little grating, but he almost always brings Mark a coffee (black with two sugars, unlike the milky shit Carol usually makes him), so he doesn’t mind. Mark takes great pleasure, after indulging him for a few minutes, in sending Jeremy away with some menial, time-wasting task, such as reverse-alphabetising his case files or organising the Kleanman project minutes chronologically by birth-date of the most senior manager present. He gets a perverse sense of elation whenever Jeremy resignedly takes his shitty assignment with a drawn-out “Yes, Mark, I’ll do that for you, whatever you say,” and slopes off.
The downside is that Jeremy’s weird charm has rubbed off on the other people in the office, and as such he’s become quite chummy with everybody. Mark often finds himself looking up from his work, just to check that Jeremy hasn’t decided to leave early, only to find him hob-nobbing with some sales rep or other. On the third day, this betrayal comes in the form of Jeff.
“Hey, Mark!” Jeremy calls as he dashes over to Mark’s desk at about ten to five, “Jeff and I are going for a drink with some of the sales team, do you want to come?”
Fucking Jeff. Mark’s blood nearly boils. “No, thanks, Jez, I’ve got some actual work to catch up on.”
“Oh. Right. Well, see you at home, then.”
I hope he makes you suck his cock in the loo. “Sure, Jez, see you at home.”
Jeremy skips off, and Mark rubs his eyes furiously, trying to dispel the image of Jeremy on his knees on the dirty tiled floor. Jesus, why do these thoughts keep popping into my head? This had better not become a problem.
Mark sits at his desk frowning at his blank computer screen until seven.