Reflection

by obsessed_with_bsd_and_pjsk

Summary:

"I am afraid because I can so clearly foresee my own life rotting away of itself, like a leaf that rots without falling, while I pursue my round of existence from day to day."
~ Osamu Dazai, The Setting Sun

Dazai's happens to be the chosen one for the transfer. His whole world crumbles before his eyes once he realises he couldn't fulfil Odasaku's last wish. His internal struggles and severe depression finally come to the surface, making everyday life in the Port Mafia unbelievablely hard.

Notes:

Please restrain from reading this fanfic if topics like depression, suicide, self-harm, abuse or violence trigger you. These might be disturbing, so please be mindful and reconsider digging into my work.
~ take care ♡

Chapter 1: Betrayal

I was never truly happy. The mere feeling of joy was never exactly familiar to me. All I did was fake smiles, joke around and act like I feel something else than nothingness. Since the very begining of my miserable life I've been told not to cry, not to let anyone in, to stay strong and not to complain. So that I did. I've gotten used to it overtime. I never let myself get attached to anyone. At least that's what I've thought. Because in fact, there was a person I cared for more than I should.

Sakunosuke Oda.

I should've known it was a mistake. I should've known it would hurt me. The memory of Odasaku, dying in my arms will haunt me to the end of times. The look in his eyes, the tone of his voice... Not in a million years I will forget.

To honor him, I tried to be a better person. And though I never had a sense of righteousness and virtuousness, I gave it a try. That was the least I could do. I left the Port Mafia and joined the Armed Detective Agency instead, hoping that I would change. I never thought that I would be capable of doing it. For me 'change' sounds fake, forced even. Perhaps in fairy tales the bad character gets to see how great it is to live in a World Of Light. However my life isn't a story for kids. If anything, it looks like a horror movie. The fact that I left the darkness doesn't mean that I managed to overcome the one within me. I know Odasaku wanted the best for me. I understand his reasoning and the desire to help me find the way out. But a person like me doesn't get to have a happy ending. In the world full of monsters, I've always considered myself a one. And monsters... They don't change.

I lived with such a mindset for 4 years. Sometimes I got a slight glimmer of hope and things went the tiniest bit easier. I wanted to believe that I am capable of fulfilling Odasaku's wish. That thought was somehow a pleasant one and I liked cherishing it. However, my subconscious always told me that hope is the mother of fools. And it turned out it was right.

Lately my main concern has been Fyodor and his ability. It's sent me over the edge each time I thought about it. Never in my calculations I considered that 'Crime and Punishment' was this powerful. My mind was working non-stop, trying to figure it all out. Little did I know that there was a thing I should worry about more than that.

The deal.

Port Mafia demanded a transfer of one Agency member as a form of payment for saving them. Fukuzawa wasn't in position to refuse. With all his might, he negociated a condition, which said that Mori couldn't request for Yosano. Quite understandable, if you ask me. Wherefore, Ougai chose to have his 'Demon Prodigy' back. That's right, me. He had been planning it since the moment I left, I'm sure of that. After all, I was a valuable tool and what's more... His favourite, precious child.

If I knew it all sooner, I might've came up with a solution. But nobody dared to tell me about this. I found out once Mori came to pick me up.

"Dazai-kun~. I missed that usefull mind of yours. How great it is to have you back in the Port Mafia, right where you belong." He radiently said. My eyes were wide as I, shocked and stunned, looked over the room. Kunikida for once didn't have his annoyed expression on. Tanizaki siblings were awfully calm. Ranpo wasn't eating any snacks. The President was loking at me with an apologetic, almost sad gaze. And Atsushi... He was on a verge of tears, squeezing Kyouka's hand. I couldn't believe it. They gave up on me, just like that? Did I really mean that little to them? Wasn't there anything they could do?

I took a deep breath, knowing that I had no choice but to cooporate. I was faced with duress, that was a fact as much as I didn't want to admit it. I forced a smile, one of those I often put on. That was it. I got betrayed. Nonetheless it wasn't that, that make my heart ache. It was the realisation that all the progress I've made was for nothing. The realisation that the promise I made to Odasaku was now unvalid. Yet I kept the grin on my face, acting like it didn't bother me in the slightest. After all I was in the Mafia before, wasn't I? I was the only Agency member who was able to survive there. I guess that was what everyone thought.

Mori, who knew me better than anyone, seemed to catch on. "Why are you so surprised, Dazai? Didn't I raise you not to trust anyone?" He mockingly stated out. I could feel the tension growing heavier and my colleagues' expressions darkening. "Spare me the speach." I scoffed. I wasn't in a mood to listen to the sick jokes of his. Not that I ever was.

The formalities didn't took long. Once we were leaving I glanced at Atsushi for the last time. And just like I thought, he couldn't bear it - he was crying. I cracked an almost reassuring smile, even though I was the one who needed to be comforted. I sighed and left the Agency building, letting Mori take me to his car.

"You look rather pale." Mori spoke up during the ride with a playful smirk. He was clearly enjoying watching me suffer.

"And you on the other hand look like an excited child."

"Your tongue is sharp as always, Dazai-kun. Of course I am delightfully pleased. I've just gotten my Right Hand back." He chuckled. "Welcome home, Osamu~."

Chapter 2: The Room

I entered my dorm, the exact same one I used to live in 4 years ago. Everything looked oddly familiar. It seemed like nobody touched my room since I left the Mafia. That's quite funny. They left everything in place, knowing well that someday I will return. The feeling of overwhelming melancholy washed through me as I took off my sand-coloured trench coat. I started to overthink everything through to the point when I lost track of time. In the mids of my transe-like state, someone barged in, yelling.

"After all you did, you still have the face to come back?! Who do you think you are?!" It was Chuuya Nakahara. I knew this would happen, I predicted that much. He punched me in the face a few times. I let him. I was planning on hurting myself either way. "Answer me, you shitty mackerel! Why?!"

I remained silent for a few more moments, before sighing and eventually speaking up. "You say this like I want to be here. Believe me, I am just as unhappy with that fact as you are." I scoffed. Oh if only he knew how much I was suffering. I betrayed everything I stood for for this past 4 years. I disapointed the person, who I cared for the most - Odasaku. However, I would never admit that aloud. I would rather die than speak my mind, especially if it was Chuuya who was listening.

After the banter between us, which honestly felt like an ethernity, he slammed the door, leaving me alone. Finally. At the same time I was relieved and upset. I didn't want to feel that lonliness again, although Chuuya's company was not the one I enjoyed. I absolutely hated that slug. He annoyed me to the very edge. He never understood me. I don't know why I even bothered to think that he could. Nonetheless, now I would appreciate if he stayed with me. Without the shouting, anger and hatred - in silence. But deep down I knew this was too much to ask for. After all, it is Chuuya we're talking about.

I went to the small bathroom which was connected to my room. I sat on the floor and leaned against the bathtub. I guess life really despised me. Well, that's no wonder, I despised myself too.

"Dazai." Some voice said, one that I recognised immediately. A tall figure walked through the door, slowly approaching me and kneeling down to my level. "Dazai," He repeated. "You shouldn't be here."

"I know..." I managed to let out, sounding rather pathetic. My voice shook.

"That's not what I wanted. I desired you to be happy. Why didn't you stand up for yourself? You're Osamu Dazai, you surely could do something." He said, almost accusing me. I couldn't bring myself to respond. "You had such a bright future ahead. You ought to do grow, not to regress."

"I know." I repeated, closing my eyes in attempt to hide the emotions within me.

The man reached out to pat my head as a single tear ran down my cheek. And when I wanted to look at him one more time, he was already gone. Odasaku vanished. Of course he did. He was dead.

It took me a greater while to regain my sanity. Before I realised, my arm was bleeding, covered in cuts. Some were shallow and some were deep. It didn't matter, the important thing was that they hurt. What a pathetic display, I thought. I, who was always considered a prodigy, a mastermind, was now crying my eyes out like it would change something. I wish I had better ways to cope. Perhaps I could go to a bar and drink until I collapse. But what was the point if I didn't have my drink buddies with me? That's why self-harm became my one and only solution. It was quick, easy, effective and didn't require others. A perfect solution for a person like me.

Notes:

"Addiction is perhaps a sickness of the spirit."
~ Osamu Dazai, The Setting Sun

Chapter 3: Mentorship

Akutagawa waited for me in a place we used to train. Patiently, almost like an obiedient dog. The thought alone was making me laugh. How pathetic. After all those years he hasn't changed one bit. No matter how much he tries to hate me, he still seeks for my approval. I could easly imagine what expression he had upon hearing that I'm back. He definitely wasn't expecting that. And honestly, neither did I.

I approached him with a casual smirk. "Ah, this place brings back memories, doesn't it?" I made a purposeful remark.

"It does." Ryuunosuke said with a distant and cool tone. I could almost see the trauma in his eyes. And for an unknown reason, I dare to say - a twisted one, I enjoyed it. It somehow stirred the sadistic and ruthless part of me. "Wait, is it-"

"Yes, indeed. It is Mori-san's coat. He gave it to me, because I burned the previous one." I explained, seeing Akutagawa's gaze. I bet my apperance was all too familiar for him. Well, black always suited me a bit too much. My current looks reminded me (and probably everyone else as well) of my past self. The only thing that remained after the last occupation of mine was the lack of bandages on my face. At first, I wanted to cover both of my eyes. Not only for the symbolics but also in order to blind myself and to never see this cruel, meaningless world again. Though when I tried it out, it felt wrong. So I let go of that idea and decided to continue exposing my face.

"I see." He quietly sighed.

"I cant't believe Boss told me to mentor you again. I guess you're out of luck~." I teased lightly in attempt to redirect my thoughts and make myself feel slightly better.

"Luck was never on my side." He simply said. For a brief moment, I felt slightly bad and wanted to pity him. I knew how much I hurt him in the past. I also know how much he hates Atsushi, only because I gave him the praise he himself never got. It was almost upsetting to think about. I guess I really am a heartless monster, aren't I? Nonetheless, I played it cool, letting my cruelty come out freely.

As we trained, I noticed how strong and weak my subordinate was at the same time. His ability was definitely more powerful, his attacks calculated and more purposeful. However, I as well realised that he coughed way more. It was almost concerning. As I nullified Rashomon and hit him in the stomach, he collapsed instantly. Blood was coming out of his mouth and he was clearly struggling to properly breathe. I saw this countless times before, yet now, it appered more serious. I kneeled beside him and asked in an unusally gentle tone: "What's wrong?"

It took him a moment or two to speak up. "I'm ill."

"What?" It took me by surprise.

"I have lungs disease." Well, that explained a lot. "I'm basically dying."

An immedient wave of something like guilt washed through me. I treated Akutagawa poorly, since he was a kid, caring only about his usefulness. I never considered that he might stuggled with his health. But now, when I think about it, it makes perfect sense.

"Who was this someone I reminded you of?" ... "Myself, of course~." These words rang in my ears. I was no different from Mori, really. Results, and results only. What a horrible man I am. I contributed to ruining someone's life just like that, calling it 'discipline' and 'training'. No wonder Akutagawa tried to hate me that bad. My awful behaviour not only crashed his self-esteem, but also made his disease worse. I could almost see the disapproving look on Odasaku's face. He would be disappointed.

"Akutagawa..." I muttered quietly.

"I'm sorry. I will never meet your expectations. I never could, to start with. I guess Weretiger really is superior to me." He spoke in between the coughs. "I am a coward. And I will die a one."

Normally, I would laugh straight into his face, brushing it all off. However now, I simply couldn't. The weight of my actions hit me so hard that I lifted his chin and... "I am proud of you." There, I said it.

Ryuunosuke was utterly shocked, his eyes widening in disbelief. "You... You are?"

"I am. The truth is, I never acknowledged you because if I did, you would no longer have a reason to live. And when we first met, I had promised to give you a one. I took it as a responsibility to keep you alive." I admitted. I didn't know where all that honesty came from. I guess my heart softened once I thought of Odasaku. It felt like the right thing to say. It also reminded me of the complexity of Mori. No matter how cold and manipulating he was, he tried to save me from suicide countless times. I suddenly began to understand it all a bit better.

Akutagawa remained silent. Both of us had now a different perspective on our relationship. Since then, we never saw each other the same way we did before.

Chapter 4: Guilt

Notes:

This chapter is a bit different - shorter than the other ones and written from different perspective, but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless!! I also want to say that I appreciate everyone who is reading my work, leaving kudos and supporting me. I am extremely grateful, even if the numbers aren't high. Thank you all for making me feel seen.
~ take care ♡

I hugged my knees and cried like a child. Dazai, the man who took me in, gave me a job and a place to stay, was now gone. I trembled almost violently on the floor, desperately gasping for air. Why him? Why the Port Mafia leader had to choose him of all people? I felt scared and extremely guilty. The look on his face when he realised what was going on, was hauting me to no end. That smile of his, which he offered me before he left... It was all too much for me to handle. He had the right to know about the deal yet we still hadn't told him. We abandoned him. We didn't even put on a fight for him. And neither did he himself, which made the situation even more heart-wrenching. I bet he's disappointed and feels betrayed. And I don't blame him, he has every right to.

"Brat, you've been sitting like this for hours. Get up already, we still have work to do." Kunikida called me out. It was true, I indeed was drowning in my own head for who knows how long. However, no matter how much time passed, I couldn't compose myself.

"I... I should've done something." I muttered quietly, still sobbing.

"Atsushi Nakajima." He said firmly, approaching me. "What happened is not your fault. The deal was made by the higher-ups. We are not responsible for their decisions. Besides, that Waste of Bandages was in the Port Mafia before. He knows how to deal in such an enviroment. He'll be just fine." Kunikida tried to soothe me.

"You can't be so sure. Dazai is strong and endured much, but that doesn't mean he is emotionless. Even though he always acts like nothing bothers him, he struggles. I can tell he does. And being back in the Mafia obviously will not do any good."

"I know but blaming yourself won't change anything. Believe me, I miss that idot of a partner just like you do. But there's nothing we can do about it. We just have to keep going and hope he will be alright." He have me a small pat on the shoulder and a faint smile. In return, I nodded and wiped my tears away.

Days passed and I kept catching myself on thinking about Dazai constantly. The Agency office seemed oddly empty and quiet. I missed the way he used to complain about work, even though I was the one who wrote half of his reports. I missed his stupid suicide jokes and that sly, teasing grin. And generally speaking, I missed his presence. He was my friend, guide, mentor and... My father figure. I wondered how he was doing. How his meeting with Mr. Fancy Hat looked like, how Akutagawa reacted... I was worried.

Chapter 5: Mission

Notes:

I wanted to give Dazai a small break from all the heavy things he is dealing with so I came up with an emotionally lighter chapter. Hope you enjoy!
~ have fun reading ♡

"You and Chuuya will be back to working together. I expect good results from your partnership, as always." Mori said. So here we are, sent on an undercover mission to gather some 'useful information' about a new enemy organisation. Apparently, it's working in a city next to Yokohama - Fujisawa.

The train ride took under half an hour. To be honest it felt oddly comforting. I don't remember the last time I took a train. So I cherished those minutes by glancing out of the window and giggling at Chuuya's outfit. Oh, I forgot to mention. Since it was an undercover mission, we had to dress different than usual in order to be less recognisable. That slug had to leave his precious hat at the Mafia as well as his elegant clothes. Now he was wearing a black Metalica t-shirt and baggy shorts with chains. I found it utterly amusing.

"Stop laughing at me, Dazai, damn it!" He snapped at me.

"You look emo." I teased, relishing in his annoyance.

"I DO NOT LOOK EMO! If anything, it's cool and punk-inspired."

"Punk-inspired?" I couldn't hold back the chuckles. "Seriously?"

"Oh just shut up already, will ya?!" Chuuya huffed. "It's not like you look any better." Of course he made it about my appearance. However unfortunately, I couldn't deny his words. In fact, I looked just as shitty. I was wearing beige shorts, white plain t-shirt and a stripped, light-blue button up. It looked rather silly, really, especially since the exposed parts of my body were covered in bandages. I sighed and mentally cursed Mori, who told us to dress like tourists and not to stand out. Though, I have to admit, it was something new, something I could get used to and even enjoy. It reminded me of when I first met that dickhead. What an unpleasant memory...

Once we arrived, we made our way to the destination the Boss indicated. It happened to be a small tunnel in the middle of nowhere. And then suddenly, when I was about to complain, a beautiful woman appeared. I let out a small gasp and almost clapped in my hands out of excitment. Chuuya immediately turned all grumpy and tugged my wrist. "Don't even think about it. You will look like a creep-" He began, but I cut him off.

"Oh come on, a small talk won't hurt."

He sighed and let me go, pinching the bridge of his nose, while I approached the woman with a soft smile on my lips. "Good morning, Miss. Me and my buddy got a bit lost. Could you walk us to the centrum?" I politely asked, hearing how Chuuya groaned behind my back.

"Ah, good morning. Centrum? That's... Quite far away."

"Is it? I guess we're out of luck then. How about the beach?" I tried to keep the conversation going. She didn't seem in hurry so I hoped she would agree.

"The beach... Sure. It's about 15 minutes from here." She returned the gentle smile.

"You... Hey, Mackerel. We were supposed to stay here and seek for-" Chuuya whispered to me, annoyed.

"I know, shut up." I responded as quietly, shifting my attention to our guide. "Sooo~... May I ask for your name, Miss?"

"Um... Hayashi Mei."

"What a beautiful name! Just as beautiful as you~."

"Thank you. May I ask for your name as well?"

"Of course. It's Ito Akimitsu." I lied with a smirk on my face. Despite everything, I couldn't afford exposing my true identity to her.

"That's a nice name too. Let's go this way, it should be quicker." She faintly blushed and led the way. I could feel the tension radiating from Chuuya, who was obviosly furious.

After a few minutes we came to a stop. "If you don't mind, I will just grab something from my house real quick." She excused herself. "Please, come along." We both were just as surprised but complied nonetheless.

"I don't like it. She's too calm and besides we should focus on the missi-"

"I know, Chibi. I am aware of that. I know what I am doing, trust me."

We followed her into the cozy apartment of hers. And before we knew it, we had guns pressed against our foreheads. Chuuya growled at me, while I smirked.

"On your knees, Osamu Dazai and Chuuya Nakahara, Port Mafia Executives." Her tone shifted to a firm and accusatory one.

"Whatever you say, Miss." I giggled and kneeled down, glancing at Chuuya, who reluctantly followed my suit. What a shame, I thought. I hoped she might be the one. Nevermind. It's not like I hadn't seen it coming. From the very begining I knew that she was the enemy we were looking for. It's not just the fact that she appeared out of nowhere, exactly where we were; her hair clip was the thing that gave her away. It was a subtle hint, yet it didn't go unnoticed by an eye of mine. The accessory was wooden and had carved flowers on it, which were resembling some signs or more specifically, letters. Letters that could form into a kanji 'Yamikou'. That was exactly the name of the organisation me and Chuuya were supposed to gather information about. They were also known as the 'Dark Ore' and specialised in smuggling valuable minerals as well as in traditional ways of assassination. Rather unique, if you ask me. I can totally see why Ougai was feeling threatened.

It took us just 2 hours in order to leave the house with all the information we needed. I have to admit, Mei was a woman of honour and intelligence, but even she didn't stood a chance against my deduction and Chuuya's ability. Not to mention the little act of tortue we commited. Ah, let's drop it. We did what was necessary.

Later, we unfortunately missed our train home. So instead of staying at the station, we decided to go to the beach and enjoy ourselves just a little. As we were sitting there, we talked about everything and nothing, admiring the view of the slowly setting sun.

"And what about your 'dog'? I noticed that he had changed. Did he finally bite you back?" Chuuya playfully stated out, refering to Akutagawa as he nudged me with an elbow.

"No. I stopped biting him." I responded, returning the gesture.

"Is that so?"

"Mhm."

"How strange of you." He said, now lightly hitting my arm. It wouldn't be painful if my arms were fine, but they were freshly cut. Most of the wounds I made a few days ago were still open and hurting. I tried not to show it, but before I knew, a small involuntary wince already escaped my lips. Chuuya caught that and instantly pulled away, mumbling a quiet apology. "You know you can always talk to me or something, right, dumbass?"

"Yeah, yeah. Cut the crap already." I brushed it off, like I usually did.

"I'm being serious for once, Dazai. That's sick and you know it. I just want to help. But don't misinterpret me. I still haven't forgiven you for coming back to the Mafia, nor for leaving it in the first place."

"I know, Chuu. Believe me, I know."

"Just stop doing it, Mackerel, will ya?"

"I will think about it."

"Pff... 'Think about it' my ass."

On our ride back to Yokohama, Chuuya fell asleep. It was understandable, since he used his ability quite a lot. I let him rest his head against my shoulder and drift off, while I began to overthink. I came to a simple yet meaningful conclusion - sometimes living in the Port Mafia wasn't that bad. Moments like these made me feel something, perhaps a small flicker of hope and happiness, I dare to say. In the slightest, they convinced me to stay alive just for a bit longer.

Chapter 6: Grave Of The Dearest Friend

Notes:

I'm really sorry that this chapter took me so long to post. Lately I have been working and the job takes most of my time. I also am feeling very discouraged and burnt out and I don't want to force myself to write just for the sake of it. Nonetheless, I will keep trying to at least stay somewhat consistent.
~ hope you've been doing better than me ♡

"I'm sorry." I said, leaning on Odasaku's gravestone. I rarely apologised, however now, I felt like it was necessary. "I didn't fulfil your wish. I was forced to return to the Port Mafia. Fukuzawa made a deal with Mori, which I didn't know about. It was quite a surprise, really." I bitterly chuckled. "I should've predicted that and never put my trust in the Agency. But on the other hand, are they really at fault? It was Ougai who wanted me back. And besides, I don't think that anyone, except me, could possibly survive here. I am kind of disapointed but it's not like it matters anyway." I sighed. "I'm sorry, Odasaku. I know you hoped to see my happy, living my best life and being a virtuous man, who helps others. But instead... My hands are all dirty and bloody once again. But hey, it's not that bad, right?" I smiled faintly. I didn't know if I actually tried to convince him or myself. "I feel like crap everyday. I want to cry each time I see my reflection in the mirror, feeling ashamed of myself and wishing I was dead already. I have paranoia and don't even distunguish what's real and what's happening inside my head. I have cut myself and passed out of pain. But it still could be worse, right? I think-" I suddenly heard some footsteps.

The sight of the round glasses caught me a bit off guard. I did not expect someone else to visit that specific grave, especially at such an hour. It was almost midnight. But it was even more surprising to realise that person was Ango.

"Dazai? What are doing here?" He asked, keeping his voice monotone and cool.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Well, I just finished work. I simply didn't have any time earlier and wanted to come here." Ah, I should've known. Ango and his stupid workaholism. I hated the bare thought of work, documents, reports... It made me sick to the very pit of my stomach. I could never understand how he was able to keep up with two jobs. Not to mention that he had a habit of staying over the hours. It all made me feel utterly awful.

"It's midnight and you just finished work?" I asked, though I already knew the answer.

"Yes. I had a few extra things to care about today."

"How can you-... Whatever." I gave up on even trying to understand.

"You are aware that I've heard almost everything you just said, right? It's very quiet here and you tent to raise your voice unintentionally." Ango stated out nonchalantly, almost like he was talking about some sort of statistics. He adjusted his glasses, while I remained silent. How was I even supposed to respond? Agree, laugh, brush it off, lie? None of the above seemed good enough. Before I could decide, he spoke again. "Dazai. That's extremely worrying."

In some weird way, it pissed me off. Now he suddenly cared? After all those years? I wanted to laugh straight into his face, but restrained myself. "I don't want to talk about it with you of all people." I muttered instead. I didn't mean to make it sound this dry and rude but I couldn't help it.

"Alright. You know I won't force you. Though I want you to realise that there are people who genuinely care about well-being." Yeah, as if. I bit my tongue to prevented myself from snapping at him. I didn't believe this bullshit one bit. I never did. Because after all, I have always been the hopeless child, a lost cause.

I don't know how much time passed before we parted ways. We had sat in silence at Odasaku's grave for at least a few hours. The sky started to brighten up and regain its colours once I reached the room of mine that I despised so much. I didn't even bother trying to fall asleep. I just had a feeling it was going to be yet another restless night.

Before I knew it, it was already 9 in the morning. Another boring day, more hours of torment. How lovely. To make the whole misery at least a bit more bearable I went to grab a coffee, an extra sweet one. Hopefully it was made the way I liked it. At least something went right in the that swamp called my life.

Notes:

"Tomorrow will probably be another day like today. Happiness will never come my way. I know that."
~ Osamu Dazai, Schoolgirl

Chapter 7: The Deal

Notes:

"I thought, 'I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There’s no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it’s sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame.'"
~ Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

Days passed by and I only became more convinced that I am not capable of recovery. Nothing and no one could help me get out of that stupid depression anymore, that much was clear. I hated it but at the same time, I accepted my fate. I believe I was never meant to live a long, happy life. Can you actually picture it? Me, joyful, slowly getting old in some cottage in the middle of a peaceful forest? Nah, me neither. It sounds more abstract than any fantasy book ever written. Although somewhat the thought of dying young was a comforting one. To be honest, that was my one and only wish. Not to be loved, understood, to have a cute kitten or the most exspensive car, but to be dead. That's what I hoped for every day - that Death would eventually find me. That it would finally see my poor soul and liberate it from the constant suffering.

The infuriating part was that no matter what I did and how hard I tried, Death simply didn't want me. It was almost like it turned a blind eye on me and decided to ignore my pathetic being. It was drawing me nuts.

So upon that I made a deal with it. I decided that I was going to try to kill myself one more time and if it didn't work, I would submit to its own timing. Perhaps it was delusional and stupid, but I didn't really care. I just hoped that I would succeed. As I already mentioned, to me living to the the point of being considered an eldery person sounded like a pure nightmare. So one more attempt was it. Hopefully it would end things forever this time. Hopefully...

I stared at my reflection, making sure I appeared presentable. If I wasn't going to die alongside a beautiful woman then at least I had to make sure I looked gorgeous myself.

"You're going to fail again. You can never actually do it. You're too weak. Or simply scared. I'm curious though... Of what exactly? Of the death itself or the pain? Or maybe of being forgotten?" The person who I saw in the mirror spoke. It happened several times before so I didn't find it weird. But maybe I should. It's whatever, my mind was always playing tricks on me anyway. Although it was intriguing and even a bit amusing how it could still find new ways to torment me.

"I'm going to reach freedom. My effords will surely bear fruit this time." I replied though my voice was shaky and uncertain. "I will. I will die. I will finally die, damn it. I will." I tried to convince myself (both the reflection and the real me).

"Mhm. Good luck." That stupid smirk, I swear-

A knock on the door.

Until that very moment, I didn't even realise I was crying and screaming in agony and despair. Whoever that was stood there for a moment and left once I went quiet. Crap. I definitely could be more careful. Whatever, it didn't matter anyway.

...

The cold breeze roughly hit me straight into the face. It was quite a windy night. Nonetheless, a perfect one.

I found the lights of Yokohama looking exceptionally beautiful. For once I took my sweet time to truly appreciate them. Something inside me tried to convince me to not to do it. To go back to my room, to sleep, to try living for at least a little bit longer-... I ignored it. My mind was already set. After all, my contract with Death was binding.

I stood up and turned around so my back could face the edge of the Port Mafia headquarters' rooftop. For a brief moment I was hesitating. No, no. Nobody would miss me anyway. I was nothing more than a burden. It was the right thing to do.

A step back.

Another.

Then the final one.

...

I eventually slipped off.

It took me a longer moment to realise why I was falling yet not reaching the ground beneath me.

Chapter 8: Upon the Tainted Sorrow

"One day I will tear out all my hair because of you, seriously." Chuuya and his stupid ability. "Don't you dare try anything like that ever again, Shitty Mackerel."

Was that a cruel joke? Of all times, he had to save me with his gravity manipulation power now? I was furious, my usual composure gone. "Let me go! I hate you, I hate you! Let me die! Just let me die!" I yelled at him, practically sobbing. Now that I think about it, it sounds pathetic. However back then I was mad beyond limits. I agreed with Death that that attempt would be my last one. And damn it, how I hated the thought of submitting to the pitiless fate.

Chuuya looked rather shocked by my sudden outburst. I couldn't blame him. I hadn't let myself be vulnerable around anyone, which meant he never saw me in such a state. Once he safely lowered me onto the ground, he spoke once again. "Dazai... Stop it. You're not killing yourself on my watch."

My shoulders involuntary slumped. He simply didn't get it. I had to... I needed to-

"Dazai. Just cry." Chuuya interrupted my train of thoughts. His voice was unusally soft and almost... Pleading. Wait, was he worried about me? Like genuinely? Before I knew it he was already embracing my tightly, squeezing my waist. I remained silent. "Cry, you Waste of Bandages. You have to let it out." To be completely honest I felt like it, but my pride didn't let me. I was still angry, frustrated and utterly drained. The last thing I wanted was to cry in front of Chuuya and let myself be humiliated even more. But I should've known Chuuya wasn't going to back down so easily.

"Agh-!" I whimpered once he hit me straight in the ribs. He purposefully did that to make my weep. It was against my will yet I couldn't help it. The pain was too sharp .

"There you go. Wasn't that hard, now was it?" Chuuya said as he began to stroke my messy hair. "Sorry, but you're too much of a stubborn idiot for your own good. You will feel better after, I promise." Was he kidding me? I wanted to beat the shit out of him for that and yet I stayed still. Something inside me broke. I let the tears run freely down my cheeks. They came from pain that annoying bastard just inflicted on me, however they also conveyed much more than any words ever could. I cracked.

"Dumbass. I'm here for you, alright?" I only managed to weakly nod in responce. "Wanna go somewhere more comfortable and quiet? Perhaps to your room?" I repeated the gesture. Yes, I hated my dorm but I still prefered it over the cold streets, so that's why I agreed.

Once we were sitting on my bed, Chuuya initiated the conversation cautiously once again. "Dazai, can you please talk to me?"

"Why are you suddenly so concerned about my well-being?" I began but he instantly cut me off.

"Don't even try to bullshit me. You know I care about you, I always have. I simply don't show it in the obvious ways. So get to the point already because we're talking it through no matter if you like it or not."

I sighed and covered my face with a pillow. I didn't want to have this conversation.

"Dazai." He called me out, hesitantly taking my hand in his. "I know you're stuggling but unfortunately I can't read your mind. In order for me to help you, we have to talk. I want to know how you're feeling, Asshole."

I wanted to suffocate myself with the pillow, to simply be left alone. Instead, all the rage I was holding back for so long finally came to the surface. "You don't understand! You ruined everything! Just like you always do! I wanted to do this! I wanted to be dead! Why did you save me?! Why did you force me to prolong enduring this suffering?!" My breath was shaky. I was sobbing again.

For a great while there was silence. Then I felt the warm arms embracing me for the second time that night. What a foregin yet familiar feeling.

"Dazai... I don't know what to say. I'm no good with this type of shit. But I'm still here, alright? You can yell at me all you want if it makes you feel lighter." He began, taking the pillow away from my grasp. "You're right. I do not understand. But I want to. Let me, Osamu. Let me understand you."

The night turned out to be a long, pained and difficult one. I rambled about things I don't even remember now. I told Chuuya more than he should've known, more than he probably could handle. I was too desparate. My soul for once wanted to taste something real. Something else than this numbness and suffering. And as much as I hate to admit it, Chuuya provided that. I am not sure what exactly that feeling was yet it felt good. I felt good. Safe. Yes, that's a good word. Safe in the mids of my dangerous thoughts and tricky mind.

Chuuya stayed with me for the whole time. He stroked my hair, whispered reassurances and cuddled me to sleep. I dare to say, it was the best and the worst night in my life.

Notes:

"In my case such an expression as 'to be fallen for' or even 'to be loved' is not in the least appropriate; perhaps it describes the situation more accurately to say that I was 'looked after.'"
~ Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

Chapter 9: The Call

Notes:

I am so sooooo sorry for not updating for so long. To be honest, lately my mental health was really fragile. Fortunately I at least quit my summer job and have more free time now. What's more, I've promised myself to do my best in finishing this fanfic before school starts. So in advance, I thank y'all for you patience and understanding.

About the chapter itself, we're back for a little glance into Atsushi's perspective! And some implied shin soukoku as well.
~ hope you enjoy and stay tuned for the next chapters ♡

"He-... What?!"

"Calm down, Weretiger. I know it's a lot to take but-"

"Is he alright?!" I cut Akutagawa off, panicking while some tears formed in my eyes.

"What a dumb question. Nobody's fine after attempting to take their life away. Even Dazai-san."

I knew that, of course I did. I simply couldn't help myself. A sudden wave of guilt washed over me. "Is he... Physically okay at least?" I decided to ask instead, my voice cracking.

A soft sigh could be heard over the line. "I don't know. I don't think anyone knows. Except Nakahara-san and Mori-san that is."

"I-I understand..." I managed to stutter out.

"...Weretiger?"

"What?"

"Don't be pathetic and blame yourself, alright?" It took me by surprise. "I know the situation is not ideal, hell, it's far from it... But... It's not your fault." Was that really Akutagawa or some prank call? I began to wonder. There was just no way he off all people, would try to console me, under any circumstances. Or at least that's what I thought. "Nobody could predict it. Nobody except me." My breath hitched.

"What do you mean?"

"That night... I wanted to talk to him. Casually, about some matter that could be called trivial. But when I reached his doorstep... I heard him screaming some incoherent things and sobbing. It was the most gut-wrenching thing that ever reached my ears. However back then, I didn't think it was actually Dazai's-san voice." He paused, while I remained silent and stunned. "I knocked regardless but there was no response. Now that I think about it, it's easy to put two and two together. First, he apologised and acknowledged me, which I believed would never happen, and then... This... I should've be more thoughtful and realise that something was very wrong. I am the one to blame for not taking any action and preventing this tragedy... I guess you can concider yourself lucky, or rather cursed, to be the one and only person who knows about it, Weretiger."

For a great moment I could not find my voice. Only some quiet cries and sniffles were leaving my mouth, which I bet Akutagawa heard. Then I mumbled. "It's not your fault either, Akutagawa."

Silence took over the call once again.

...

"Atsushi." Ryuunosuke suddenly spoke up and it felt like all the air in my lungs was momentairly knocked out. His voice was different, softer. It sounded almost vulnerable. And that word, my name, which he had never said before... It was all too much for me to handle.

"Y-Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Chapter 10: Comfort In The Midst Of Lingering Depression

"Shh~... It's okay." The soft voice rang in my ears, while the sun slowly rose. "It will be alright. And even if not, I am still here. I'm not leaving, moron." It was Chuuya who continued to gently rub my scalp in a soothing gesture. I simply nodded upon that. I was too exhausted to give him a more decent reply, and he seemed to notice that. "Tired, hm?"

"Drained."

"I understand. Go back to sleep, you need it." I hummed once again, knowing that was pretty much the truth. Though, I couldn't help but feel a little guilty and perhabs ashamed of myself. It was yet another morning like this, after another no different night. By now, the monotony and consistency of it all was almost awful.

...

Days passed and... It slowly but surely did get more peaceful. Chuuya never left my side, taking care of my troubled self. To my surprise, Mori allowed me to recover for as long as I needed, and even let Chuuya stay with me for the whole procces. To be completely honest, he was actually fond of the idea and approved it quickly. Kind of weird, if you ask me... But nontheless, it all actually felt quite nice, really, for once being seen and validated. I could rest to my contentement and work through everything that lately had happened.

That was when some, perhabs foolish, thoughts began to form in my mind; Maybe for once I could be happy, truly. Maybe for once I could be myself, without the composed facade, dumb atittude and faked smiles. Maybe for once I could get attached to someone and hope not to get hurt. And finally... Maybe for once I could change, for myself. My mind was oddly flooded with a sense of hope. I started to see life way different than I did before. I think that was so because I learned how to notice and appreciate things. For instance how my coffee now genuinely tasted sweet. How rainy mornings brought comfort. Or how Chuuya's eyes held an affectionate gaze each time he looked at me. It all made me wonder if I was actually in the wrong for my whole life. Living wasn't that difficult and scary as it always appeared. It started to be bearable and even... Pleasant. And I know, these are the words no one would ever expect to hear from a suicidal maniac like me.

...

"Hey, Mackerel..." Chuuya began once we were done with playing Nintendo.

"Hm? I warn in advance, if you wanna complain about your loss again, I'm not listening~"

"Oh just shut up already! I know you-" He bit his tongue and took a deep breath. "Nevermind. I actually wanted to ask you something. Your sly and shameless cheating can wait."

"I did not cheat. I am simply better than you." I chuckled, enjoying usual banter between us. "But go on. What is it?"

"Akutagawa called me." That was unexpected. "He asked if he could see you." It got even more surprising. But I guess it was sensible. Lately, I almost didn't leave my room at all. And I bet the gossip about my attempt spread quickly throughout the entire Port Mafia. I could understand why he would potentially request for such a thing. But before I could reply anything, Chuuya continued. "He... He wants to visit you with... That tiger boy. What was his name?"

"With Atsushi?!" I turned stunned.

"Yeah, with him. That brat is really worried for you, you know..."

"I can imagine."

"So... Do you think you're ready for seeing them? If not, it's completely understandable-"

"I am. I want them to come here." I replied, cutting Chuuya off, already feeling excited. Warm smiles made their ways on both of our lips.

...

Once Akutagawa and Atsushi finally came over, they were met with my messy room, dishelved hair and wrinkled clothes. I didn't have the strenght to take care of those. However, at least my skin wasn't that bad-looking anymore. It gohad gotten more radiant nowaydays and the bags under my eyes had significantly decreased. Well, luckily, the worst of my depressive episode had already passed.

As soon as I greeted the two, Atsushi threw himself at me and started to sob. "Dazai-san... I missed you so much. I am sorry, so sorry..." He attempted speaking. I returned the embrace and told him it was alright as well as that he was not the one to blame. In the heat of the moment, Akutagawa got a hug too, though he didn't dare to say anything just yet. Chuuya stayed at the side, only rolling his eyes exaggeratingly.

For the rest of the evening the four of us talked about various things, ate snacks and drank light alcohol. It was a totally different experience, considering the fact that in the small room of mine they were both Agency's and Mafia's members. Nonetheless, it felt incredibly nice. I believe that meeting made something inside me stir, or maybe even shift. I was no longer the same person I once had been. I began to feel real; human.

Notes:

"As long as I can make them laugh, it doesn’t matter how, I’ll be alright. If I succeed in that, the human beings probably won’t mind it too much if I remain outside their lives."
~ Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

I don't know why exactly but I feel really disapointed with how this fanfic turned out. Regardless, I hope it brought at least a little bit of understanding, comfort or entertainment to you guys. Thank you for support; all the kudos, subscribtions and bookmarks never failed to put a smile on my face. Thank you for appreaciating my work, even when it wasn't ideal. I would love to write more, longer and better in the future, however I am now a senior highschooler and I don't know how I'll handle all of it yet. Nevertheless, I wish for us to see each other soon enough!
~ take care and have a wonderful day (or night) ♡