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“Do you believe in soulmates?”
The question came out of nowhere. Caroline was an expert when it came to unexpected questions and random subjects, so Stefan long ago stopped being surprised by her. Still, he would think before answering, would ponder his possibilities, would look into her eyes and try to understand what motivated the topic.
Her eyes were far away from where they were. She was looking at the horizon, to the point where the sea touched the sky. The sun was setting and the color of the sky was a merge of soft orange and pastel pink tones. The myriad of hues reflected on Caroline’s eyes, merging with her turquoise irises.
It was hard to tell the reason behind her question. Usually, Stefan was able to read her best friend's mind, but not now. It’s been a long time since both of them had a real relationship. Caroline broke up with her high school boyfriend in the middle of college due to humanitarian reasons—she believed it was impossible for two people with opposite world views to be together, to get married, to raise kids. She was devastated back then, though. After all, she did love Tyler, he was the one and only in her life, no matter how many affairs she had since then.
As for himself, it was a bit more complicated. Stefan remembered very well the Gilbert-Pierce twins, Katherine and Elena. Equal in nothing but appearance, they were different in personalities, choices, and tastes. But not when it came to man. Stefan met Katherine first at a party back in sophomore year. She was beautiful and wild, full of life, and he got mesmerized by her mere presence. They went out for a couple of months before realizing they were incompatible, and he only found out about her twin sister by accident (New York was a huge city, after all). He went through this girl in the movie line, thought she was Katherine, said a shy hi , and she asked “Do we know each other?” His brother Damon was with him and muttered something as ouch , but let Stefan lead the conversation.
Elena and him ran into each other a lot of times after that. In the public library, in the market, in the park. And then she went to his school for senior year. They shared lots of classes, she was a cheerleader, she became friends with Caroline and Bonnie—his best friends. They both wanted to be doctors, they dreamed about kids and a house in the suburbs. They were so similar, so intertwined in each other! It was inevitable, even with Katherine’s ghost hovering over them.
It was also doomed. Elena was his true first love, but she just couldn’t be with him knowing that her twin’s shadow was there all the time, even though Katherine was living her best life traveling with the Bulgarian ballet. They went to different colleges, they started to grow apart, and Damon was there when she most needed—she was a Columbia student, just like his brother. They were even more inevitable.
“If I’m being honest”, he starts, searching for Caroline’s eyes, “I did once. I used to think that a soulmate is someone that fits perfectly in your life, whose heart molds to yours. I thought I had it.”
“With Elena.” Her voice is muffled, her mouth pressed against her palm.
“With Elena, yes.”
Caroline was very judgmental about Elena’s choice back then. She couldn’t understand, no matter what role Katherine had in Stefan’s life, no matter how attractive and charismatic Damon was. She has always cheered for Stefan, after all.
He stops his mind from wandering and continues, “But now, after so many years, I don’t think soulmates exist. I used to think fate brought us together, me and Elena. And you know better than anyone that I was willing to accept her back if she wanted to, even after she fell for Damon. It took years for me to understand that, if fate does exist, it led her to Damon. Now, when I see them together, when I look at their daughter, I feel so distant from the version of myself that used to love her, you know?”
She remains silent for a moment, which is weird. Usually, Caroline is the chatter one, not Stefan. He has said more words in the last ten minutes than her.
“Yeah, you’re surely distant from that version of yourself.”
“What is your point, Caroline?”
She takes a deep breath and rests her hands on the deck behind her, shifting her weight. The last sun rays touch her skin, reflecting on her exposed collarbone.
Then, she turns her eyes at him before saying, “I’ve been thinking about what we’re doing.”
“You mean…?”
“This!” She looks around quickly. “Your family summer house? Only the two of us here since, I don’t know, graduation? We come here every year just to run away from the 4th of July in the city, then we stay for two weeks more. It’s the fifth year since we started this. Do you remember that stupid agreement we made in our first year after college?”
“That we would get married at forty if we didn't find a partner by then? Of course I do.”
When he says the words, the realisation hits him. He understands her intention.
Caroline’s eyes are desperate, she is almost panting when she asks, “What are you doing to find a partner, Stefan?”
“I, hum… I’m not.”
“ Exactly . Me neither.” She turns to him, her hands now clasped in front of her. “You should be here with someone you love, Stefan, not with me.”
Everything is happening too fast, he thinks. He knows how rapidly things can stagger when Caroline is overthinking, but he cannot intervene, he feels incapable of saying something.
“Stefan, I… I can’t do this anymore. We’re leaning into each other as if we were afraid of suffering, of being heartbroken again. If you don’t believe in a mysterious soulmate that will run into you someday with no efforts needed, then why are you so resigned?”
It’s complicated. He doesn’t know how to explain this. And it’s not because he hasn’t been thinking about it, because he has.
He still remembers, clear as day, when Bonnie asked him why he was so attached to Caroline, as if she were his lifeline. Because she is my best friend, of course, but his answer was not satisfying enough for Bonnie. He had Bonnie, he had Lexi (his childhood best friend), but why Caroline? The loudy, extremely optimistic, full of whims Caroline? She was so different from him, whereas Bonnie and Lexi had much more affinity with him. He couldn’t explain it to Bonnie, so he remained in silence.
He also couldn’t tell Damon why the only person to get Christmas gifts and Easter chocolates from him was Caroline—and his beloved niece, of course, but kids don’t count. He just enjoyed the view of Caroline’s bright eyes every time he came with a present, even though it wasn’t what she expected. Both of them knew he was the worst at giving presents, but she still acknowledged his efforts.
He also remembered something his mother told him two years ago, a few weeks before her death, something that stuck into his mind for good. Something that leads him to a real answer when it comes to Caroline.
“My mother said no one makes me smile like you do”, he told her without hesitation.
“What?” She scoffs as her cheeks grow into a cherry blossom kind of pink.
“It’s true. She said you’re the only one to erase my grumpy face . Her literal words.”
“When did she say that?”
“Do you remember the last time you saw her? On Easter dinner?” When Caroline nods, he goes on, “Well, I was obviously suffering, I knew that was our last family dinner. I had some minutes alone with her before going home, and she said I only truly smiled in your presence that day. She made me promise to never let you go.”
She is catatonic before him, eyes fixed on his. Stefan feels an awakening urge to caress her face, so he does. He raises his right hand and cups her cheek. He observes as her eyelids close slowly, her lips relaxing just for a moment. With his thumb, he traces her chin, mesmerized by the sight of her, by her soft-silk skin.
“Stefan…” His name comes out of her mouth as a whisper, he is close enough to feel her warm breath. She opens her eyes, pupils dilated, and asks him, “What are you doing?”
“Something I should’ve done a long time ago.”
Kissing her feels like the orbits of the planets are perfectly aligned. Stefan tastes the universe on Caroline’s lips—he tastes freedom and yearning and infinity all at the same time. The way she corresponds to him, as if she is consumed by him, makes him shiver and search for her warmth. Her hands hold his neck, her fingers digging into his hair; he wants her to hold him like this forever.
They stop kissing from a moment, breathing together in the same rhythm. Her gaze is heartwarming when she says, “You should have done it a long time ago.”
He laughs, the kind of laugh only Caroline can bring out in him.
“You need to know, Caroline, that I don’t believe in soulmates because I see love as a construction. It needs foundation, it needs reparings. Love is built in respect, adoration, friendship, and good humor. I learn all of this with you, day by day, since I met you. You ’re the reason I don’t believe in soulmates, and thank God I don’t, or I’d be wrecked forever.”
“It’s been three summers since I realised I’m in love with you”, she confesses, her voice followed by the sound of the waves.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because…” She frowns and rests her forehead on his. “Stefan, I was terrified by the idea of losing you.”
“You’d never lose me, honey. Never.”
He kisses her again, engulfed by this feeling of belonging that only Caroline can make him feel. He brings her close to his chest, fingers intertwined with her soft golden locks. Her vanilla scent is blended with the sea air, he can taste salt on her lips.
“You’ll have as many summers with me as you want”, he declares against her lips. “There’s no one I’d rather be here with. There’s only you.”
Her laughter echoes through his ears, compelling him to smile like a fool—a fool completely and incandescently in love.