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It was raining.
That was the first thing James noticed after his son was born.
It seemed the gods above the clouds were crying, but not out of happiness.
Perhaps they were crying for the war, for the deaths, for the homeless, for the people without families.
Perhaps.
Just perhaps.
It was for a love that was gone, but even after it left, the heart didn't understand.
That rain didn't seem normal. The heavy clouds were shedding their sorrows.
The sound of heavy, strong drops hit the windows as if they were lightning bolts.
—James? Are you all right?— Remus asked, his gaze fixed on James. —You're quiet.—
—His eyes... They're not grey,—James said with a confused and slightly hesitant voice. —Why? Why aren't they grey?—
—Why would they be grey, James?— Lupin asked, confused and, perhaps, a little amused. —As far as I know, no one in the Potter or Evans family has grey eyes.—
—You're right,— James said with a frown. —Why would he have grey eyes, right, Moony?— A hesitant and confused laugh echoed through the yellow room.
Remus nodded, his gaze lingering on James's face for a bit longer, then lowering to Harry, who blinked slowly in the crib.
—James...—Remus's gaze lifted, but stopped at the golden necklace on James's chest.
—Yes, Moony?— James asked, still looking at the baby in the crib, who was now raising his tiny hands to his father.
But Lupin didn't hear; his gaze was fixed on the R.A.B., written in beautiful, delicate script, and just below the three letters was "Je t'aime," smaller and almost imperceptible if one didn't pay attention to that necklace.
—No, nothing. It's just that Harry looks a lot like you, even as a newborn. That's all,— Remus said, his gaze quickly returning to James's face and then lowering to the baby's, but his eyes weren't fixed on anything; they were lost.
Lost in thoughts, in moments that, perhaps, just perhaps, he had let slip by.
But James continued to look at his son, with a soft, small smile, and began to sing:
Je te laisserai des mots
En dessous de ta porte
En dessous de la lune qui chante
Tout près de la place où tes pieds passent
Cachés dans les trous, dans le temps d'hiver
Et quand tu es seule pendant un instant
Embrasse-moi
Quand tu voudras
Embrasse-moi
Quand tu voudras
Embrasse-moi
Quand tu voudras
Remus didn't know James spoke French. —James...—
—Boys? Is everything all right?— Lily asked, at the door.
Remus jumped. He hadn't even heard her footsteps. —Lily. Hi. Yes, everything's fine, right James?—
But James kept looking at Harry, lost in thoughts that Remus was sure belonged to the one who was gone.
Lily looked from Remus to James, from James to Harry, and back to Lupin.
—Are you sure everything's all right? James seems a bit lost,— Lily said, already entering the yellow room, her suspicious gaze fixed on Remus made him seriously wonder why Lily hadn't pursued a career as an Auror. —James? Love, are you all right?—
—Yes, la mia stella. Everything's fine,— James spoke softly and gently, his large fingers tracing Harry's small, reddish face, who was almost asleep.
Remus looked at James, his gaze fixed on the gold necklace on his chest.
—Lily. Shouldn't you be in bed? You gave birth just a few hours ago,— Remus tried to change the subject. He foolishly hoped that Lily hadn't heard or paid attention to James's words.
—Stella? James, why did you call me a star?—
—Well, love, why wouldn't I call you a star? You're...— James's voice trailed off as he turned to Lily. His soft, loving voice transformed into a hesitant, hoarse voice, as if he had just woken from a dream. A dream, Lupin was sure, James would rather not have woken from. —Brilliant! You gave birth to our baby, love. That's why 'star'.—
Lily, along with Remus, continued to look at James's face. Perhaps lost in thought, perhaps trying to find the lie.
The reason for James's hesitant voice when he turned to look at her.
Her gaze lowered from James's face to look at Harry. But stopped midway.
Remus looked.
The necklace.
That necklace that bore the signature of Sirius's younger brother.
The brother who died.
The brother who became a Death Eater.
The younger brother, who Remus was sure hated Sirius.
The brother who, now, Lupin was no longer so sure, perhaps not at all, had never looked at James with anything but hatred.
Now the necklace was turned to the other side. A side where the Leo constellation could be seen.
Remus might not like astronomy, but he was good at it. Good enough to know that the largest diamond was Regulus.
The Regulus star had a beautiful white diamond.
The constellation made of white gold. That diamond stood out.
James didn't notice their gaze, or perhaps he was just ignoring them.
But the other two people in the room were looking at the necklace.
James fidgeted. He turned it over and rubbed his thumb over the name.
Remus looked at Lily. His gaze fixed where James pressed his thumb. Her eyes, green as wet grass on a sunny spring day, were dark. Remus didn't know if it was from anger or sadness.
Anger at being mistaken for a ghost.
For a dead man.
For a man James shouldn't love.
For a man James shouldn't even have loved.
Or sadness.
Sadness at being mistaken for a ghost.
Sadness at knowing that if the ghost were still alive, she might lose the only man she ever loved.
James turned. —Lily? Are you all right?— James looked at Lily, his gaze drifting from Lily to Remus. From Remus to the necklace.
—Oh! Why are you looking at it like that? You've seen it before.—
—James.—
—Yes?—
—Why... why does it say R.A.B. on it?— Lily asked. Her voice now suspicious and threatening.
—What? Lily, what are you talking about? It says J.F.P. here, not R.A.B.— James said with a voice a little too loud for a man who shouldn't be hiding the ghost that so occupied his mind.
—James, don't lie to me!— Lily shouted. Her shout, though loud, hadn't woken Harry. —I see R.A.B., I saw the design on the other side of the necklace.—
James now stared at Lily, bewildered. His gaze going from Lily to the necklace and back to Lily, and then again to the necklace.
—Why? Why did the spell decide to break now?— James asked softly, his voice sounding confused. As if he didn't understand it. As if, instead of looking at a ghost's necklace, he was seeing him. His gaze returning to Lily. His breathing now heavy but slow. As if he had accepted his fate. —It was only supposed to show you the Aries constellation and my initials. Not this.—
— But that doesn't justify why you're wearing this. Why, James? Why do you have a necklace with the Leo constellation and the initials of Sirius's younger brother?— The redhead now asked with a broken voice. Faltering. Hesitant. As if she was afraid of the answer. Or what it would mean for her and for James.
—I got it,— James said now looking at Remus. Lupin's eyes alternated between Lily and James. —I got it in seventh year. Regulus gave it to me.—
—He gave it to you? Why? When?—Remus asked. His hoarse voice resonated like holy water in the room, while at the same time it felt like a thousand pounds had been placed and tied to his back. Remus was afraid of the answer.
The rain now fell harder. Its loud sound only muffled by the voices in the room.
The gods seemed sad. But relieved, since the rain, despite hitting hard, wasn't as heavy as before.
—Yes. He gave it to me. We were dating, I got it as a Valentine's Day gift,— James spoke softly, his low voice breaking the noise from outside. He still clutched the necklace. His hand closing around it. His finger resting comfortably on "Je t'aime". His gaze wasn't fixed on anything. It was lost. Perhaps in thoughts. Perhaps in memories.
Perhaps memories James had done everything to forget.
—You were dating? Since when? How?— Lily asked now with a tired voice, as if she had already seen that she had lost the battle.
—Did Sirius know?— Lupin asked.
—Yes. Since my sixth year. The first time I looked at him, without hatred. Without resentment for having left Sirius behind. It was in the library. After that, I never got him out of my head,— His gaze was fixed on Harry, as if he could only look at him. —We started dating a little after that, I think about 3 months later. No, Sirius never knew. He never suspected. Or at least, he never told me or showed that he knew or suspected.—
Remus and Lily were shocked.
Their faces showed various emotions.
Lily slowly sat in the armchair beside the crib, as if the weight of the revelations had broken something invisible inside her.
—And why did I never know?— she asked, not with anger, but with the voice of someone who has just crossed a burning bridge and looks to the other side, not knowing if there was more road.
James took a moment to reply.
—Because... I thought he would come back. That he would have time. That maybe one day... I could tell. But he died. And what I had, remained,— He held up the necklace, his fingers trembling now. —It stayed with me.—
Lupin moved away from the window, through which he had been watching the rain, and walked slowly to where Lily was. He placed a hand on her shoulder. She didn't react. She continued to look at James with hard eyes, but which were beginning to shine with something beyond pain: understanding.
James continued to speak, as if the words needed to come out, as if holding them back would drown him completely.
— I loved you both. In different ways. But I loved. Lily, you... you saved me. You gave me a home. You gave me Harry. But Regulus... he saw me when no one else did. He saw me in the dark. He listened to me when I didn't even know what to say. He was my comfortable silence.—
Lily was crying now, but in a silent way. Like the rain that was beginning to lose strength.
Harry stirred in the crib, and James bent down to adjust the blanket over the tiny body. The baby snuggled, and an almost imperceptible sound escaped his lips: a sigh, perhaps. Or an echo of dreams.
—I kept this as a memory. Not as a promise,— James said, now facing Lily. —But I never wanted to hurt you. Never. You are my star now. And always will be.—
She nodded slowly, her eyes still teary.
—I just wanted to... know. I wanted to understand who I married. And now I know. I don't know if it hurts more or less, but... I know.—
James smiled, a sad and sincere smile.
—Thank you for wanting to understand.
Remus took a deep breath.
—Regulus wasn't what we thought, was he?
James shook his head.
—No. He never was. And maybe the world didn't give him time to show it. But he loved. He loved deeply. And that... that stayed with me.—
Silence.
The rain stopped.
Lily slowly got up, walked to James and placed her hand over his, which was still holding the necklace. Their eyes met.
—We have a life to create now,— She said. —And I want you to come whole. With all the scars. With all the memories. With all the ghosts.—
James closed his eyes for a moment, as if he was thankful for something impossible. Then he opened them, and looked at Remus.
—Are you going to tell Sirius?—
Remus looked away to the window.
Outside, the world still seemed grey, but there was a golden glow breaking through the clouds.
—Not now. Someday. When he's ready to hear it,— he said, finally. —Or when you're ready to tell.—
James nodded.
The baby stirred again, letting out a joyful sound, as if he sensed that, even amidst the pain, something there fit.
That love, even broken into different pieces, was still love.
James leaned over Harry and whispered:
—Je te laisserai des mots...—
Remus looked at Lily, who looked back at him. Something had changed.
And then, slowly, as if the gods above the clouds had cried all they needed to cry, the sun appeared.