Chapter 1: He was empty.
Chapter Text
“Oka-san?”
“No, no, don't leave me here. Come back, please, come back, I'll do anything. I'm begging you, come back for me, please.”
Warm droplets of fear gathered together in the corner of his eye, congregating, uniting as one to watch his suffering, to relish in his anguish, to play in his misery, sliding down his face in a soft caress. They taunted him, teased him, yet he was unable to stop them.
Unable to control the despair that gathered in his throat, growing and growing until it overwhelmed him, consuming him until it burst upwards and outwards. Hiccups accompanied his cries, his pleas, his begging.
All he could do was watch the distance between him and his mother grow, and could only listen as she spoke, “It's for the best, little one, you'll understand later.” Then she disappeared through the door, shutting behind.
Yet he didn't, he didn't understand. How could he? Created for a purpose, only to have that purpose torn away from him, to be left with nothing. His existence lacked purpose, and all he could do was sob. He was built to be discarded, his sobs quieted as he watched his Creator's back grow smaller and smaller.
He was empty.
—
Kazuki nearly jumped out of the bed. He sat up in a rush, if he had actual blood he was sure his vision would have gone blurry. He brought his hand to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. That, of course, did not get rid of the tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over. Pathetic. Crying over something that never even happened. Had he truly been reduced to this? He let himself get complacent, but it was hard not to, at least, around Buer.
She had knocked him off his pedestal, and now she was helping him back up. Of course, it didn't make sense to him, but he had no reason to not go with it. So he did. He has played this game with her. Had “taken care” of himself, even slept, despite it being unnecessary. That was what had reduced him to the state he is now. A pathetic sobbing mess.
The once mighty Balladeer, if only they could see him now, they'd laugh at his deplorable state. Not that anyone remembered, and that was his own fault. A blessing and a curse.
Kazuki threw back the covers, sliding his legs over the edge of the bed, sitting for a moment. Running his hands through his hair, he sighed. As much as he wished too, he couldn't pretend he wasn't affected by his dream. He was shaky, his hands jittering. Not to mention the tears he kept blinking away, he had gotten worked up over a dream. He hated it.
He felt vulnerable, exposed even, even though there was no one else occupying the house. He knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, he didn't bother. There was no reason to waste his time on attempting to.
Bare feet were met with cold brick as he slid out of the bed. It was unpleasant, not helping to rid his mind of the nightmare. He pressed his hands into his face, sliding them through his hair after a few moments.
“This is going to be rough.” Annoyance and disappointment, used to hide fear.
You were the one that chose this, don't be a coward now.
A grating voice, what was once something he never thought about, now tormented him every time he heard it. The voice which had once belonged to him, now taunted him, but it was right. He chose this, he chose to live alone.
He could have stayed with Kusanali, she had offered, yet he declined. That was his own fault. He didn't get to complain about being left alone , but the cold brick and dark room didn't help to bring himself to a safe mindspace. All it did was remind him of that place. His hands fell from his face, as the sound of padding feet followed quickly behind.
A numbing cold enveloped his palm as he turned the doorknob, biting, yet he forced himself to open the door rather than flinching away. The house was dark, the hallway haunting. He felt as if he couldn't breathe, ironic considering he never needed to. This must be pain, his head felt tight―his eyes too―nothing felt right.
Out. I need out.
One step, then another. One foot, in front of the other. There should have been more to it, otherwise he wouldn't have collided with the wall, or dashed through the hallway and bounded past the living room, nor would he have shoved past the door into the silent street barefooted and having abandoned his keys in the house.
Then he was gasping for the air he didn’t need, ushering the unwelcome breath into his lungs, stealing inhales that weren’t meant for him. All it ended up doing was make his insides colder, he couldn’t calm his breathing if there was no breathing to calm. Kazuki was certain, if he were able to cry, he would. The gritty feel of stone beneath his feet irked him, the small particles of dirt and rocks made his skin crawl, he regretted not bothering to put shoes on. The regret was enough to snap him out of his panic.
His shoes weren’t the only thing he forgot in his panic. Despite his rapid jiggling of his doorknob, it didn’t magically unlock. He had left his keys inside, and while he could easily break in, he really didn’t want to deal with the Matra a few hours before sunrise. Kazuki would just have to tough it out, even if the sensation of his bare feet touching the ground only irritated him more with each passing minute.
The tavern was an option, they would likely have a pair of shoes in the lost and found, plus they were open all night. The crowd and noise was a major turn-off for said option, however. Kazuki gripped his arms, letting his forehead lean against his door. Standing out there all night wouldn’t fix the problem, and probably end up drawing attention, so he had no other choice but to walk away.
Even at these late hours, there were a good number of people out and about, albeit they were either drunk, adventurers, or Matra. They were people nonetheless. Merchants who would normally attempt to talk to him, didn’t even notice him. Likely due to his dishevelment and lack of the signature hat. They didn’t call him “Hat Guy” for nothing. He was grateful for the change, it allowed him to aimlessly wander, though the gratefulness turned to regret when he found himself on the path towards the Akademiya.
No, he couldn’t go talk to Kusanali, that was just asking to be babied. Kazuki was the one who insisted he’d be fine on his own, letting her see that he was wrong… He’d rather try and erase himself once more before allowing that. Yet he was already in front of the closed doors, already staring with eyes full of terror, not even certain if he was begging them to open or stay closed. There was no need for him to make a decision.
“I thought I sensed you out here,” Kusanali emerged through the doors, nothing but compassion looked up at him, as if she understood without even prying into the depths of his mind. “Here, let’s get you inside.”
He only nodded, not trusting his voice to respond properly. The smooth tile felt much calmer on his feet, Kazuki no longer felt on edge with each step. He shouldn’t have come in, he should have turned around and walked away. Like this, he was only asking to be abandoned again, just like every other time. Just as the god before her who had discarded him like trash. Even as the two sat silently on the steps by the fountain, he didn’t trust the sense of safety he felt.
He was empty.
Chapter 2: Then leave.
Summary:
Kazuki and Nahida talk, she encourages him to find his own answers, which he reluctantly complies.
Kazuki would much rather travel alone, but Sethos had other plans, ones that wouldn't let Kazuki have what he wanted.
Notes:
I doubled last chapters word count, whoops!
I had fun writing this chapter, and I *really* wanted to have a typical there's only one bed scene but Kazuki does NOT like Sethos at this point in the story. Maybe next time, *sigh*.
Otherwise, enjoy! ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Would you like to talk about it?” Finally breaking the silence, Kusanali’s words were soft, gentle, as if she believed he could shatter from her voice alone.
Kazuki remained unmoving, knees curled to his chest, head buried. His toes clenched, gripping the edge of the step. Her eyes burned into his synthetic flesh, he could feel it melting, searing through the layers all the way down to his core, exposing his inner workings and picking them apart. His fingers clenched his arms, squeezing the skin too tightly, yet not tight enough for him to care. Kazuki did not, in fact, want to talk about it. Nor did he want to even be there in the first place, still unsure as to why he came.
“I’ll take that as a no.” After a few minutes of silence she spoke again, attempting to fill the void, while he’d rather rot in it.
“Don’t you already know? Haven’t you pried into my mind?” Kazuki’s words came out far harsher than they needed to, far harder than he wanted, but the words had already hit the air. The impact was already shown as Buer’s face looked… hurt.
“I would never do that without your permission.” It was almost as if she took offense to even the notion of her spying on his thoughts. “Is that what you want for me to do, rather than talking about it?”
No, no he would not. Even if it would be nice to have someone who understands, he couldn’t bear the thought of her knowing everything. He’d sooner claw into his own grave. Maybe if he prayed hard enough, the gods would take mercy on him and let him turn invisible, ignoring the fact that Buer herself was a god and would find out if that scenario were to work.
“Kazuki, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what you need.” Scolding, motherly, her words haunted him, far more than the nightmare from earlier.
He stayed silent, trying to curl further in on himself despite there being no further to go. Something she definitely noticed. He heard her stand up next to him, the quiet pat-pat of her feet on the ground gave it away. Small hands cupping his face brushed the hair from his eyes as she forced him to look at her.
“Kazuki.”
“I can’t.” Barely a whisper.
“Why?”
“I don’t deserve it.” Words he had to force out, afraid of being given to the silence.
Buer was silent after that, she remained looking at him, taking him in, studying him. It was unbearable, but she kept her grip, kept him grounded. Then she let go, and walked away, rather, walked away with the clear intention that he was to follow her. Follow her is what he did, not even because he wanted to, he just… did. Just the same way he ended up at the Akademiya in the first place, it was a matter of where his bare feet took him.
Outside the Akademiya, Buer stopped walking, staring off the edge. Kazuki stared at her, unsure why she chose here as her destination, yet a moment later she turned to the left and pointed up to the sky.
“Have they done more good or bad?” A simple question, but it didn't seem so to Kazuki.
“The sky is fake what are you talking ab-”
“No, Celestia.” She interrupted him, he couldn’t find it within himself to care.
“You already know this, why are you asking me?”
“Kazuki, just answer.” She let out an exasperated sigh, yet she lacked no patience.
“Bad, what’s your point here?”
“Celestia has done far more harm than help, yet they are still heralded as the pinnacle of good, of purity.” She paused for a moment, letting it sink in. “If they can cause so much harm and destruction, while still being held in high standing, who’s to say you don’t deserve help?”
He didn’t know what to say to that, being compared to Celestia wasn’t something he would have expected. Maybe she had a point. No, no, just because they are held in good faith doesn’t mean they should be. Neither I nor them deserve forgiveness.
“I don’t deserve it, and neither do they.” His voice was firm, yet his gaze cast down, a facade of certainty. “Just because they can get away with it doesn’t mean they should.”
“Then go seek out answers, and learn to forgive yourself first.”
“What?”
“Go find the answers your heart desires, and when you get back I’ll ask you a question, you should be able to answer it by then.” Buer was sending him away? Was he even interpreting that correctly?
That stung, quite a bit actually. He was being kicked out, she should’ve just said outright that she didn’t want him there, shouldn’t have bothered to tell him to come back. The punishment for his sins had to finally have caught up to him, he could find no other reason for this sudden abandonment.
“I can see it on your face, Kazuki. If you truly do not wish to leave you don’t have to, but I can’t bear to watch you rot because you don’t think you deserve help.” Her tone was far softer than earlier, a semblance of reassurance.
His own relief was obvious, he felt his shoulders relax, though he hadn’t realized they were tense in the first place. “...When should I leave?”
“When do you want to leave?”
“I… locked myself out of my house.” The statement he had been dreading to mention, but he was without his shoes and hat, as well as other traveling supplies, so there was nothing to do but tell her that.
Buer giggled, “I’ll ask the Mahamatra to open your door for you, he should be awake still. The little one he took in recently has a poor habit of refusing to sleep.”
—
He definitely had an eventful night, though he wasn’t quite sure eventful was the right word. By the time he had gathered all his things, the sun had broken from the horizon. The streets were far more crowded than the previous night, the usual hustle and bustle of merchants and those who recognized him. Kazuki ignored all attempts to wave him over, various cries and shouts calling out to “hat guy” weren’t something he was interested in responding to.
Buer advised him to stop by the Adventurer’s Guild first, claiming they should have information, or even a simple commission he could take. The only reason he was listening was because the Traveler was a part of the Guild, meaning they could be trusted to not leak information about himself out to whoever asked, or so he thought. He’d have to ask the Traveler himself for total confirmation, but he decided it wasn’t worth the bother.
Kazuki didn’t actually know what he wanted to know, so he ended up asking Katheryne for some commissions out in the desert, not too far, but far enough where he could regain his bearings of traveling alone. It hadn’t been that long since Scaramouche stopped existing, but leaving again felt like he was being dropped from the safety net which he had been caught in.
“The desert? You don’t look like you’ve ever stepped foot there before, and yet you’re taking commissions for it?” Probably one of the last voices Kazuki wanted to hear right now, not to mention he was way too close.
Scowling, taking a step forward―away―before turning to face him, “I don't see how that's any of your concern.” Cold, callous.
“So cold, I'm hurt.” Oh, how Kazuki wished he could wipe that smug look off the “busy bee's” face, “However, I would rather you don't go off and get yourself lost, and I doubt you want to either.”
“You're not coming with me.”
Sethos gave no reply, just that horridly smug look on his face, a certain gleam in his eyes.
“No, you are absolutely not coming with- Don't look at me like that-!”
—
Kazuki only scowled at the annoyance seated across from him in the wagon, no conversation was struck between the two, the only noises coming from the wagon itself and the sounds of the forest, yet Sethos only grinned in return. Oh, how I could just beat that look off his stupid face. This was already a nightmare, and it hadn't even been a day. In truth, despite his elaborate attempt to get Sethos off his trail and leave peacefully, the brunette inevitably caught up to him and he conceded, allowing the boy to travel with him. That was it though, Kazuki wasn't going to get friendly with him at all.
“So, Hat Guy-”
“No.”
“Aww, so mean.” Sethos feigned a pout, “You didn't even let me finish my sentence.”
Kazuki rolled his eyes, “I don't need to.” His eyes narrowed.
“Says who?”
“Me.”
The conversation ended after that, Sethos’ fake pout left, and soon the short-lived silence followed.
BANG!
Then they were both lurching sideways, hurtled towards the front of the wagon as it abruptly stopped, the two boys ending up on the floor of the wagon. One, wincing in mild pain, the other muttering profanities in irritation. Kazuki stood up―more like crouching as the wagon wasn't that high―and went to stick his head through the fabric to determine what had happened.
Kazuki toppled backwards, landing in arms he did not want to be in. His mouth was covered by a hand before he could even open his mouth to yell at the boy.
“Shh, don’t let them see you.” It was barely a whisper, near inaudible, only making his scowl deepen.
The “them” in question were made clear, voices spoken to the wagon driver, it was clear they were treasure hoarders of sorts, possibly Fatui but was unlikely this deep into the forest. He easily could have taken them out, but it was clear that was far from Sethos’ intentions. He tried to adjust his positioning, squirming in the grip that only tightened, forbidding his movement. He really wanted to punch this guy, Sethos had to think he was too weak to handle himself, that or he was trying to make a fool of him. Either way, Kazuki wasn’t having it.
The wagon began to move again before Kazuki could activate his vision, Sethos didn’t let him go for a few minutes after that.
“What the FUCK!?” Kazuki shoved away from him, Sethos fell backwards.
“A “thank you” would have been nice.”
“For what? Acting like I can’t handle myself?”
“If you went out and attacked them, every other checkpoint would be impossible for us to get through. We’d be dead before we even hit the desert.”
Kazuki paused for a moment, “What are you talking about?” His tone was a bit more demanding than he intended, but it had the same result.
“The Fatui set up a bunch of checkpoints on the roads leading in and out of the desert. Only reason the Matra haven’t done anything is because people have been getting robbed less since they got put up.” Sethos rubbed the back of his head, presumably hitting it when he was shoved back, “At least, that’s what Cyno told me.”
Kazuki let out a grumpy hmmph before getting off the floor and sitting back on the bench he had been on previously. Checkpoints were news to him, Buer had told him nothing of the sort, and there was no way she didn’t know about them. It didn’t make sense as to why she wouldn’t say anything about it, could she have not expected him to go to the desert? Or maybe she thought he would avoid the roads and take his own way, that seemed more likely. The only reason he was hitching a ride on a wagon was the fault of the problem sitting across him.
“Your skin’s really soft.” That insufferable smirk.
“Shut up.”
—
It was well past nightfall when they finally reached Caravan Ribat, the merchant they had hitched a ride with, dropped off his goods and left, leaving the boys to wander the settlement alone. I should be completely alone. Sethos walked beside him, clearly enjoying himself, not a notice nor a care to Kazuki’s annoyance. Though, despite the fact that he didn’t want the traveling partner, he did wait for him when he stopped to talk to some mercenary or read some sign, and he was doing plenty of each. It seemed as if Sethos knew everybody here, he was tempted to leave him by himself, or stop waiting but he never did.
“Would you rather get a room at the inn or try and set up a camp? I recommend the room. I've heard multiple people say they think a sandstorm is coming in tonight.” The first time Sethos had spoken to him since they had gotten to Caravan Ribat—thankfully—but the question was one he hadn’t thought about. He was originally planning to not sleep at all, but Sethos needed sleep considering he was human.
“I don’t care.”
“Inn it is!” He was far too giddy about it.
Kazuki didn’t pay much attention when Sethos got them the room, he only snapped back into reality when Sethos grabbed his wrist and dragged him up the stairs and presumably towards his room, which received a scowl once again. To his relief, he was let go once they reached the room, and Sethos opened the door, Kazuki following but slamming into him as he stopped abruptly.
“You’re not gonna like this one.”
Kazuki groaned, fully knowing where this was going, “You take the bed, I’ll sleep on the floor.”
“I swear they had rooms with multiple beds last time I was here…” Sethos muttered to himself, Kazuki rolled his eyes, “You really shouldn’t sleep on the floor, it’s not good for your back since you’re not used to it-”
“I don’t need to sleep, let alone worry about some “back pain” so spare me the concern.” Kazuki interrupted the boy, not interested in having a back and forth over it.
“The bed is big enough to share-”
“Not interested.”
“Fine, have it your way. Don’t complain to me that the floor’s cold.” Sethos dropped his bag on the bed, before beginning to take his clothes off.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m taking a bath first.”
“Then go to the bathroom, nobody wants to watch you strip.”
Sethos gave him a look that said, that’s odd but still, he complied. Kazuki wondered if that was just a habit he had from wherever he grew up, if that sort of closeness was normal. He hadn’t had any smug expression, just confusion when Kazuki told him he didn’t want to see it. It was probably some weird desert-dweller thing. Kazuki just sat on the floor, after setting his hat on the ground next to him, and closed his eyes, drifting asleep. He vaguely heard Sethos exit the bathroom and go to bed as well, but didn’t even open his eyes to check. He was far more tired than he thought, mental fatigue was the answer that came to him. Something Buer would have said.
—
Sobbing, a child’s.
“Please! Come back!”
Wails that only got louder to no avail. No one came for the child. Days bled into weeks, into months. Not a soul answered this cries, only the silence was left to soothe his tears.
“She… left me. She didn't want me.”
The child stood up, unsure of how much time had passed. The wind was his only friend as he left behind the hut where he had been left behind in turn.
“I'm worthless, that's why she left me.”
Steps slowed, pausing movement. Turning to face nothing, dead eyes stared into the soul of someone who wasn't there, a mere spectator.
“It's your fault. If you weren't so useless, there would have been no suffering.”
―
When Kazuki woke to sunlight pouring in through the window, it was not from the floor where he sat up, rather, he was tucked into the bed. Kazuki looked around the room, eyes still wide, panic from the dream setting in. His eyes landed on Sethos asleep still, on the floor. Confusion hit quickly, he was certain that wasn't the arrangement last night.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Sethos stared at him from the ground, “You looked like you were having a nightmare so I moved you.”
“...Thanks.” Kazuki could only pray to whatever gods hadn't turned their backs on him that Sethos wouldn't pry.
Every god had abandoned him, “Who's ‘Oka-san’?”
“That's enough.” Sharp, callous, way too cold for the normal annoyance.
Kazuki slipped out of bed, shoved his shoes on, grabbed his bag, and left the room within a minute. The door slammed behind him as Sethos was left to wonder what he did wrong. Kazuki found a quiet corner of the settlement to plop himself on a bench. Top ten reasons to not sleep in front of people… Kazuki really regretted sleeping last night, he didn't even have a proper reason to, he was a puppet, sleep wasn't something meant for him. Though, sitting and thinking about it for a moment he realized he should have been nicer to Sethos, but he wasn't going to go back and apologized.
Kazuki rested his head in his hands, “Gods, this is so annoying…” He muttered to himself, “Fuck.”
Notes:
Woo-hoo! Angst!
Seriously though, this chapter started and ended with it, my bad gangsters, but don't fret this series won't be all angst, there's fluff too! Trust...
I think this is the quickest I've ever written this amount, don't hold me to it, see you next time though! Hopefully within a week as well (=^･ｪ･^=)
gaybrielthearchangle on Chapter 2 Wed 23 Jul 2025 05:10AM UTC
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ElioOfTheAbyss on Chapter 2 Wed 23 Jul 2025 05:52AM UTC
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