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Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko matches Commander Persephone Shepard’s 5’ 11” height putting them eye to eye when they speak. His brown eyes are a mixture of dark and medium brown with flecks of gold. He has short black hair and his cleft chin and jaw currently show quite a bit of dark stubble. His pistol and armor are smeared with viscera and Rachni venom and he can tell his body is bone tired. His mind, however, is still coming down from the adrenaline. Plus, there was that one moment…
The whole squad had just left Noveria. It was a long and grueling mission. First, there was the mind-numbing bureaucratic hurdles; then a long drive in the cold; Geth and Rachni and hostile human guards up to no good; and so many Asari commandos. Finally, they had to contend with the powerful biotics of Matriarch Benezia. Even after all that, Benezia returns to her right mind for a moment to volunteer the location of the Mu Relay before she perishes. The real kicker was that Shepard then had to decide the fate of the entire Rachni species.
Goddess, what a shitshow. Commander Perse Shepard blinked her lilac eyes slowly and undid her braid of matching hair.
The team had been awake a full 22 hours by the time they got back to the Normandy. Everyone had to be treated for the Rachni poison aftereffects, though Wrex grumbled loudly about how unnecessary it was for him. No one was at the top of their game by this point. The debrief took at least another 30 minutes with tense conversations all around. This mission was worse than Feros and much longer than Therum.
Of course, it was the most difficult for Dr. Liara T'Soni. She didn't even get to say goodbye to her mother, Matriarch Benezia. Liara had shut herself into the extranet lab behind the MedBay and was refusing to talk to anyone.
Shepard decided to give her another few hours before trying to talk about it again. The Commander fell into a deep sleep as soon as he laid down. Everyone from the mission: Wrex, Kaidan, and Shepard; had at least 48 hours dispensation to recover. Shepard had extended this to Dr. T'Soni as well for obvious reasons. The Commander tried to set a good example and keep that a hard limit but Perse had been finding it difficult to take the full time they should since they had been named a Spectre.
Spectre stood for Special Tactics and Reconnaissance. It was a position the Citadel Council leaned on to do special forces-type work (without a lot of oversight) to keep Galactic peace and stability. Persephone Shepard was the first ever human to be asked to join their ranks. Since joining, it had been several crises and countless side missions, putting out fires as he went. Things seemed to be accelerating towards a final confrontation with Saren and the Geth but they would probably need a support fleet for that when it came to it. His dreams were uneventful in spite of these grave concerns.
Lt. Kaidan Alenko had never been attracted to other species before, but he hadn't really been exposed to them so who knows? He considered himself bisexual: attracted to his own gender and other genders. However, he knew the Commander had a more expansive palate. They always seemed to treat any paramours with strength and grace but they always kept it casual. There was talk of this about the ship between the whole crew. It was hard to not have this kind of business known amongst crew members and that was especially true when more eyes were on you as the leader.
To combat this exposure as Staff Lieutenant, Kaidan kept his colleagues at a particular type of distance since joining the Normandy. He wasn't interested in one night stands, he was interested in community. He made friends amongst crew mates, of course, but when someone let their more carnal interest show Kaidan would try to bow out gracefully and retry the friendship after some time had passed. It was now a known fact among the crew that Kaidan wasn't interested in romantic or sexual entanglements. There was a lower-deck rumor he might be asexual but when people asked him about it, he would answer honestly that "No, that's no it. I'm just not open to that right now." No one quite knew why and he never explained any further.
The Lieutenant knew, of course. He was acutely aware that anything sexual for him turned serious. He hated that caring so deeply about someone would cause his amp to prime and usually trigger a headache. He didn't like to get into situations where he might lose control in a battle. However, since they started fighting Saren, and most-especially the Geth, his fighting had changed and he wasn't as scared anymore of losing control.
The last few battles provided evidence that when he allowed all-out no-holds-barred attacks to emerge from within himself it didn’t trigger the same level of headache as when he tried to hold back. This ability to finally unleash seemed to coincide, he was discomfited to admit, with his growing feelings towards the Commander. Was it loyalty? Was it their example of complete fearlessness? The sense of absolute freedom she had when she fought was viral. Maybe it was time to consider his instincts an asset rather than an annoyance to be repressed. Kaidan even managed some biotic throws one right after the other in the last fight with the Rachni in the hot lab that surprised even himself with their ferocity and quick cool-downs.
So here he was, rethinking that policy of keeping his friends from getting too close. The way he felt about Shepard, it seems like he had a more visceral reaction to them being in danger than he'd prepared for.
...
There was a moment when she was in a corner taking cover behind a box and an Asari commando was sneaking over from the side. Shepard had a bead on the Geth in front of her; there were several shooting right at her taking her full attention and his instincts took over. Kaidan kicked his barriers up and jumped out of cover, sprinting towards the commando, hitting the Asari right in the face with a full-powered biotic throw. The commando’s barrier kept it from being a one-hit kill but Kaidan didn't hesitate to unload a clip straight into the enemy’s torso as she flew.
"Alenko, cover!" he heard Shepard shout. Then she was right next to him, her purple eyes wide.
Shepard had dispatched the three Geth, charging the last one with a shotgun shell chambered just as Kaidan had unloaded his clip. She had charged back to him and yelled. As they both ducked behind a box they clearly saw a sniper shot lance through the exact spot he’d been standing in.
"Thanks, Lieutenant." “Thanks, Commander.” They spoke at the same time. They nodded and fought back to back through the next wave of commandos and Geth.
He had to admit that in fact Shepard had already crossed over from friend to paramour without him realizing it fully. I can deal with this now that I’m aware of it. Deep breath. No one has to know about this but me.
He tried to sound confident about it inside his own head.
He could fight knowing his new reality. The Commander may not care about him like he cared for them, but he couldn't pretend he was unattached. Shepard had made it inside his defenses. It had happened. And he still had a responsibility to his other squadmates and the Alliance. The Commander was a formidable opponent and they weren't going to need a savior. He could be loyal, he could be attentive. But he couldn't step into overprotective. No one would appreciate that.
He had no idea just how often this resolve would be tested.
Battles might actually be easier for him without as much pain and second-guessing. What really worried him was what to say to Shepard when the battle was over. He might go with nothing. They were good friends. He had become closer to him over the course of this very strange and intense experience hunting Saren. They'd talked informally about the past and aired concerns about the mission's future.
Now he was thinking of the Commander in this way that definitely broke regulations. He didn’t want to be just another one-night stand. Everyone knew that about him. He was sure the Commander knew it, too, because they'd asked and he'd volunteered the information.
Where do we go from here? He contemplated it in the Mako on the way back to the port. He thought about it while everyone got treated for their Rachni poisoning. And then he kept thinking about it after the briefing when everyone had gone to bed.
He slept fitfully, dreaming of Shepard cornered by too many enemies. He woke up with a start. In the next dream, Benezia had Shepard twisting inside a Singularity. The third time he woke up, he decided to get up for a run and a shower. He jogged a mile and still felt like he’d gotten nowhere, then he ran all out until he couldn’t anymore. He took as blistering of a shower as the taps would allow and got back in bed.
He just needed to accept that he didn’t know how to predict what would happen between them. Most likely it would be nothing at all. We haven’t crossed any lines yet, there is no indication Shepard would... His mind stuttered as he remembered a mischievous wink the Commander threw his way on the Citadel during their most recent visitAnd...and I definitely wouldn’t. Would I?
The thought floated around him in the darkness.
Finally, he seemed to draw a conclusion out of the uncomfortable silence. There’s no reason anything has to change between us and no reason she has to know how I feel. It might never even come up, right? This delusion allowed Kaidan to fall asleep. He didn’t wake for the next 10 hours.
When he got to the mess the next day, he sat across from Shepard as she ate her lunch and he his breakfast. “Hello, Commander.”
They beamed at him and he felt his resolve start to crumble. “Nice to see you, Lieutenant.”
Shepard turned to Lee, “The Lieutenant saved my life yesterday.” Lee was sitting next to Wrex one seat further down from Kaidan. “A commando tried to sneak up on my right flank and Alenko vaulted over a shipping container and threw her into the wall like 20 feet back and drilled her with his pistol to finish the job." Shepard tried to reenact the heroic maneuvers and he felt a blush spread across his cheeks and temples.
"Just doing my job, sir," he managed.
She attempted to alleviate Kaidan's embarrassment. Toward Wrex, Shepard said, "Everyone was in top form in that hot lab while we outran the neutron purge, don't you think?"
“Ha. Ha. Ha!” Wrex laughed slowly. “That was fun. The cryo ammo on my shotgun made the little ones explode into shards that stabbed into the other ones. It was glorious. I want to go again.”
“Of course you do, Wrex.” Shepard gave him a wry smile, amused. “What kind of ammo do you think is the most fun against the Geth?”
“I’ll think about it. Heh.”
“Let me know. That sounds like something I should try with the cryo ammo. Though who knows when we’ll run into Rachni again?” Shepard didn’t know it, but he would be seeing them again real soon.
Shepard let the table resume it’s normal conversational flow before leaning forward and catching Kaidan’s eye. “I saw you out there, unleashing a barrage of biotic carnage on those Rachni. It was like your cool-down time was almost nothing. I was impressed. And how many bullets did your barrier deflect when you stormed out of cover to help me? I saw at least three bounce right off you. On Eden Prime your barrier wasn't nearly that strong. Have you been training differently?”
This time Kaidan thought his whole face might catch fire. There is no way this isn’t noticeable!
*Ahem* He cleared his throat, “I always held back a little with organic enemies before, but then I saw what the Geth did to Eden Prime and…anyway, I’m not holding back anymore.” His eyes flashed.
“This is a fantastic development, Lieutenant. Keep it up.” As the Commander spoke a slow smile bloomed across their face. Shepard held his eyes and he didn’t look away.
His heart felt full and his amp tingled. “Thank you, Commander.”
He is so cute when he blushes, Shepard thought.
Letting loose might be directly at odds with bottling up his feelings about Shepard. Kaidan's plan to address nothing started to disintegrate around him.