Quakes and Aftershocks

by vfl_Sarah

Summary:

Neil wakes up to the worst day of his life.
In the chaos of a city brought to its knees by an earthquake, Dr. Neil Melendez fights to save as many lives as possible — including his own.
But the brush with death forces him to reevaluate choices he thought were already behind him. Especially the ones tied to Claire.

Chapter 1: June fifth

Notes:

Welcome to my first very official multi chapter!
I never thought I would ever write these words, yet here we are.
The story is finished and I will post on Fridays.

Thank you, to every who keeps reading.
And to everyone who is still here and writing, of course!

Now, I will not say too much before.
Just this: don't judge this FF by the first chapter...

"New kicks won't help you outrun me."
He had just found her in the locker room, sitting alone on the bench, a shoebox in her lap.
Claire looked up at him, chuckling at his joke.

"They're recipes from Dash. Well, from Kayla. Kayla by way of Dash. It's complicated."
She looked at the box for a while. He didn't say anything, giving her the space she clearly needed to sort through her thoughts and emotions.

"He asked me out on a date."
It felt like an ice-cold shower to him. He didn't particularly like the idea of Claire going on a date with... anyone who wasn't him, if he was honest.
Claire closed the box and rested her arms on it. Then she turned to look at him.

He had just recently become aware that he wasn't thinking of Claire as a platonic friend anymore. But he hadn't realized just how much until Dash had come to the hospital. Seeing them together had sparked some jealousy inside him. He tried his best to hide it, but wasn't sure how successful he was.
A nervous laugh escaped him, unsure what to do.

Neil took a seat next to her, needing to sit down himself. He was much closer than he'd sit to most people, but still left a small gap between them.He figured it was best to do what any true friend should: talk to her.
"What did you say?" He asked carefully. He wasn't sure what to expect. Or what he wanted to hear.
He looked at her and her eyes looked with his.

"Nothing. I stammered and then I fled".
She was laughing about it herself now. He couldn't help but join her, able to picture the scene in his head.

"What did you wanna say?" It was a loaded question, in many ways, he was tense waiting for the answer. He couldn't look at her, focusing on the floor instead.
The question should've been easy to answer, but it clearly wasn't.

She rubbed her hands over her eyes, taking the time to think for a moment. She dropped them back on the box but kept her gaze fixed ahead, too.
"I don't know... Shaun was right. Coming home to an empty apartment really sucks."

He couldn't deny that it was true and nodded, still looking at the floor. Every night he came home to his apartment. No matter how nice the place was, how much it looked like it came out of one of those magazines. Oftentimes, it still felt dark and quiet. Without somebody to share it with it simply wasn't really a home.He had spent way too much time wondering what it'd be like to have Claire with him there. Bringing chaos into his organized and tidy apartment. Making it look like someone actually lived there. Since the thought came to his mind, he couldn't imagine anyone else there with him anymore.

Claire continued.
"I used men, to make me feel better. Most of them didn't mind. But..." He looked at her, making sure to really pay attention. She was opening up to him, and he knew how difficult that was for her. "I don't trust myself not to hurt someone I care about."
She looked up at him, meeting his gaze expectantly. He wasn't sure what she wanted to hear, maybe she didn't know either. He just knew he was not sure what he wanted to say.
He could see the storm of emotions in her eyes. The insecurity and fear of hurting someone. The longing for something meaningful, the vulnerability of being honest about these things — of trusting someone to be there for you and not judge; maybe even understand.

He plastered a smile on his face, trying his best to sound convincing with his next words.
"Claire, it's not that complicated. You lit up this morning, when you saw him." Claire looked away, but Neil continued. "He seems to make you happy."
He paused for a moment. Claire clearly struggled to find an answer. Her mouth opened but closed again without any words coming out.
"You deserve to be happy." He meant it.
He didn't know anyone who deserved that more than she did.
But the part of him that wished he could be the one to make her happy was still there. Still screaming inside.

She met his eyes again, then gave him a small smile. Neil wondered what would happen if he leaned in. He wanted to kiss her. He wished he could take his own advice, just take that step and see what it could be between them. What it felt like.
But he found it really was that complicated.
He dropped his gaze and didn't move, all the unspoken words running through his head. The last thing he wanted, was to scare her away or pressure her. She was vulnerable and telling her how he felt now, would feel like he took advantage of that. He'd never forgive himself.
On top of that, she was still his resident and he could never do anything that would potentially hurt her or her career. His mind skipped to a random point in the future, maybe once she finished her residency they could have that talk. He could tell her how he really felt and she might...

The sound of the alarm ripped him out of his dream and into consciousness.
A look at the offensive object on his nightstand told him it was exactly 6 am.
He slammed the button on the top to stop the noise before he sat up, resting against the headboard.

He wasn't surprised anymore. It kept coming back to him — the night she told him about Dash. He wasn't sure why, but he had a good guess.
He had come to realize how much Claire meant to him. Of course, she was his resident and making any moves was out of the question.
But still, when Dash entered the picture, it felt like she was slipping through his fingers. Like his chance at any possible future with Claire was taken from him. And not only couldn't he do anything about it, but as her friend he had no choice but to be supportive.

He grabbed his phone.
It was Friday, 5th June. He had the early shift at the hospital and the fundraiser in the evening. He checked his messages quickly, but nothing urgent had landed in his inbox overnight. Then he got out of bed and threw on his gym clothes.

He stopped by the kitchen to drink a tall glass of water, grabbed his bag and went out the door.
Claire was scheduled for the late shift, so he wouldn't run into her this morning. He looked over at the empty rowing machine where he sometimes saw her. One of these days he would have to challenge her for a race. She was able to keep up with him on their runs, maybe she would get the better of him at rowing. He smiled at the thought then started his warm-up.

After his workout, he showered, then headed to the hospital. When he arrived at St. Bonaventure, he bought a coffee from the canteen on the way up to his office, ready to tackle the day.

Firing up his laptop he checked his schedule. Nothing particularly exciting awaited him — a few consults, a surgery at noon.
Of course, he knew to always expect complications, but it was a routine surgery and he was optimistic that everything would go according to plan and he could leave on time.

He was really looking forward to the fundraiser his former patient Marta had invited him to. The brewery had just opened. Aaron, who had been on the case with him, would also attend.
While his former mentor was generally good company, he couldn't help but wish Claire could go with him.
They hadn't spent as much time together as he'd liked, being on different shifts for the week, and he missed her.

The thought that attending an event like that together would send the wrong signal, if anyone from the hospital saw them, crossed his mind. He wasn't worried about Aaron, but maybe nurses. Gossip spread fast — especially in a hospital — and they had just recovered from the favoritism rumors. He just missed spending time with his friend.

The day passed relatively uneventfully.
The surgery went well, just as he had suspected.
He stopped by his office to grab his bag and jacket when he saw Claire in the lounge. He hadn't seen her all day, so he went through the door connecting the two rooms.

Claire was obviously deep into some research or project. Papers were scattered around her, the tablet on the table had some article opened.
"Interesting case?" he asked her.

Claire jumped in her seat. But she smiled at him when she turned her head, following his movements as he came to stand across from the armchair she was in.

"You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that. Almost gave me a heart attack." She was laughing, obviously joking.
"But yes, interesting case. I'm waiting for test results, so I figured I'd use the time to do some research."

He had always admired how hard she worked. She went the extra mile for her patients and there was no doubt in his mind she would get far in her career.
He was proud that he got to be a part of that.

"Good. How about you tell me all about it tomorrow? You're also free, right? How about lunch?"
He was slightly nervous about asking her. As far as he knew Dash was still in the picture and part of him was worried he'd have to take a backseat to him more often in the future.

He couldn't blame her, but at the same time he didn't want their friendship to stop. Although that would be unlike Claire.

Her smile broadened and he instantly relaxed.
"Lunch sounds great," she said.

He smiled back at her and for a moment the world around him stopped.
"So, where are you off to? I don't think I've ever seen you actually leave on time," Claire eventually broke the silence, the easy smile replaced by a curious look.

"There's a fundraiser at the Bolt Statement Brewery. A former patient is hosting it, Aaron is also going."

"Well, that sounds fancy."
Again, he wished she could come with him.
"From the looks of it, you won't be bored here either."

"Hopefully not. Nothing worse than a boring late shift! Just, drink a beer for me?"

"I think that can be arranged," he said with a chuckle.
"Well, have a good night, Neil. I'll see you tomorrow for lunch." She smiled at him once more and he thought his knees might give in.

"I look forward to it. Good luck with the research." He nodded at her with a smile and turned to leave, glimpsing back at her once he had left the room.

---

He arrived at the brewery and headed straight to the bar. Aaron was already there, a tall glass in his hand.

He greeted Aaron before he ordered a beer for himself.

They chatted for a bit when he saw Lea.
He didn't know her well, but he had seen her around the hospital since she had started working at the clinic.
He had also heard bits and pieces about her when Shaun talked to the other residents about her.

He was a little surprised to see her, but went over to say hello, Aaron in tow.

"Lea?" The question was all over his face.
"Hey." She greeted him. She seemed to be in a good mood.
"Hey." He greeted back. They had been friendly enough; Neil stayed out of anything between her and Shaun as much as possible.
Only once they had really talked about it; a few weeks ago when Shaun wanted to go home.

Aaron joined them, and Lea turned back to Neil, launching into an explanation.
"I saw the invite at the clinic." She turned back to Aaron. "And I assumed you wouldn't be here."
There was a smirk on Aaron's face. He was neither mad nor surprised.
Before Aaron came up with a comment though, the bartender handed Lea two beers.

"You with a friend?" Neil wondered. He didn't know much about her social life, other than her connection to Shaun.
She stumbled a little.
"Uh... it's been a rough couple of weeks."
He assumed it was related to Shaun.
He couldn't help but sympathize. Shaun had definitely cost him some nerves and energy over the years.

"Hey! They're here!" He recognized the voice right away and turned to find Marta walking up to them.
"The guys who made this all possible!" She greeted him with open arms.
He hugged her, happy to see her doing so well.
"I don't know about all that." Contrary to popular belief, he could be modest. Marta was the one who put in all the work to get back on her feet after they had done their jobs. She was a fighter and he admired that about her.

"Yeah, well, you try opening a brewery or fundraising when you're dead," she joked. She may have had a point. Without him and Glassman she'd have died that day she was brought to the hospital.
Neil smiled at her, the good mood was contagious.

A small chuckle left the woman next to Marta. He hadn't noticed her before, but now vaguely recognized the face.
Marta continued: "Oh, honey, uh, you remember Dr. Melendez..."
"Hi." Neil shook her hand.
"And Dr. Glassman. This is my wife, Noreen."
"Aaron. Hi."

"This is Lea," Neil introduced.
"Your flavor profiles are epic," Lea gushed, a big smile on her face.

"Well, how about a tour?" Marta offered.
"Uh, yes." Lea agreed for the three of them.

"Okay, great," Noreen was also smiling from ear to ear.
"Come on," Marta spoke and lead the way.

However, she barely took 3 steps before she was greeted by another person she was clearly happy to see and went with a hug.

"She is in host mode. We could be here forever," Noreen explained. "I'll show you around."
She smiled at the three, clearly used to this kind of thing. With her hand she pointed out the way to go and let the guests lead the way.

They walked through a hallway, Lea ahead, but she turned around to ask a question.
"The, uh, hops on the Kölsch, is that the Citra?"
"In combination with the Noble German. Lady knows her stuff." Noreen was impressed.

A rumbling beneath them interrupted the conversation, followed a cracking noise.

"Do you feel that?" Noreen asked, looking slightly irritated.
The next second, everything started shaking.
"It's an earthquake." Neil had only experienced one in his life, a light one. But he would never forget that day.
As soon as he had said the words, the shaking became more violent and he was fighting to stay on his feet.
Glassman was sliding down the wall. The lamps above them moved like fairy lights in the wind.
Something above his head cracked. Sparks started raining down from the ceiling, glass shattered — it was pure chaos.

Neil saw Lea ahead of them in the next room.
"Get out of there!" he was shouting, as loud as he could over the noises around them.
He wasn't sure Lea had heard him.

One of the giant metallic tanks right next to her tumbled.
"Lea!" He tried again, this time it got her attention and she turned around to him, a panicked look on her face.
Before he could say anything else, the tank collapsed right next to her and she disappeared from his view.

Everything was still shaking, he heard more glass breaking, the lights above them were flickering.
He looked up at the ceiling just in time to see it giving way.
He covered his eyes with his arm as best as he could, no time or stability to move away.

He barely felt the impact as everything went black.

---

The ringing of his phone brought him back to consciousness.
He opened his eyes, his phone lay not too far away. He reached for it, he himself on the floor covered in debris. With a grunt he finally managed to answer the call on speaker, without looking at the caller ID. Then he pulled it closer to take it in his hand.

"Hello?"
He heard a relieved sigh on the other side quickly followed by questions.
"Thank God. Are you okay?"

It was Audrey, clearly worried.
"Uh, I'm fine, I think." He was too overwhelmed to tell whether he was seriously injured. But he figured nothing was broken or bleeding, as he was able to pull himself out from where he was covered underneath debris. "The ceiling caved in," he informed Audrey.

"Were you hit? Are you bleeding?"
He managed to get to his feet, panting, from the effort.
"Not as far as I can tell. Just... Just some bruises."
He would have a lot of those; could already feel the sting in his side and a slight pulsing on the left side of his forehead.

He kept looking around, telling Audrey what he saw.
Any information he could give would help them.
"The brewing tanks fell over. One went right through the floor."

"And Glassmann? Wasn't he with you?" Audrey's voice was cautious, like she was afraid of the answer.

"I was! I am!" Glassmann answered the question himself from somewhere behind him.
Neil turned around to find Aaron trying to get up as well.
He switched on his flashlight to get a better look.

"Your shoulder." He pointed at Aaron's left side.
"It's dislocated."

"Yeah." Aaron confirmed. With a loud crack and a painful exclamation he used the doorframe next to him to set it himself.
Neil had to look away for a second.

"I'm okay," Aaron confirmed once the pain of the impact had settled down a bit. "Noreen?"
They both turned to find the woman in question unharmed a few meters away.
She seemed a bit disturbed by the whole situation, Aaron fixing his own shoulder was probably not something she had expected. But she nodded, letting them know she was okay otherwise.

"We're okay here," Audrey said through the phone.
"I'm about to assemble a HURT team and head out."
In Neil's mind the image of Claire briefly flashed before Audrey continued.
"Any idea how many wounded?"
"No, let me check," he answered and removed himself from the wall he had leaned against for stability. His legs were still a little shaky but he started making his way back to the front.
"Come on," he said to Noreen, taking her with him.

Aaron, who had also pulled out his phone and turned on the flashlight, stayed behind. "Lea?"

Neil and Noreen made it around the corner of the hallway, back to the room they had come from.
They both stopped in their tracks.
It was complete chaos.
It looked like the ceiling and all beams had given in there, too. He could barely make out what anything was, or had been, anymore. People were lying on the floor all over the room, some trapped, some tried to get up. He saw a few more phone flashlights throughout the room.

It was just too much, too many who must be seriously injured, some likely beyond hope.
He had seen a lot of chaos and destruction in his days, mass casualties in the hospital that were overwhelming. But this was a special kind of hell.
"Get here as fast as you can."

After he hung up the phone, he switched into work mode, and examined people who were hurt as best as he could.
"It's just a cut. You'll be fine," he told the young man he had just taken a look at. No signs of concussion.

He got back on his feet, raising his voice.
"I need to focus on medical emergencies. Cuts and scrapes do not qualify."
He understood people were insecure, but he had to focus on the people with serious injuries, people where every minute would count. He was calm, needed to be, to think strategically and help as many people as possible.
"My colleague and I will be coming —"

Before he finished the sentence he heard steps from the hallway and saw Glassmann coming back to the front. Alone.
"Lea?"
"The door to the Brew Hall is totally blocked."

There was no time to think about it, as a worried voice he was called for him. "Dr. Melendez!"
"Noreen?" He turned to look for her and found her close by.
He made his way over and quickly found the reason for her concern.

"Marta." The woman was trapped underneath a beam. He ducked under it and came around to face her. "What hurts?"
"My back." Her voice was weak and breathless.

"Okay, I'm gonna need a towel and some tape, and Glassman and I need every first aid kit you've got," he said to Noreen.
It was clear the situation was serious. He would do what he could to prevent any further damage.

Noreen didn't move right away, wanting to stay by her wife's side. But with a simple "Go" Marta gave her permission to go and find everything Neil had told her he'd need.

Neil looked into Marta's eyes. She was clearly afraid.
"Hold still. You're gonna be okay." He rarely made promises he couldn't keep and he fully intended to keep this one.

He stabilized her head, making sure she couldn't cause any damage by sudden movements. Then did his best to keep her calm while they waited.

---

Finally he heard the sirens. His colleagues and the firefighters arrived.
The firefighters got to work quickly, stabilizing what was left of the brewery. Beams were put up in strategic places, lights set up to cut through the darkness. For the first time the full extant of the chaos was really visible.

"Alright, she's clear!" They had lifted the beam that had Marta trapped when he heard Claire behind him
"Melendez!"
"50-year-old woman, medical history includes spinal tumor resection, C1-through-3 fusion, complaining of severe back pain." He was glad to see her, but in that moment all his concern was about Marta.

Claire, however, seemed to be focused on something else. Him.
She stopped him with a hand on his upper arm and stepped in front of him. He saw the worry in her eyes.
"Hey, where were you hit? Are you dizzy? You okay?"
Her hands went to his face, her eyes scanning him carefully for any signs of injuries. The light on her helmet blinded him a little at first, his eyes needed a moment to adjust.

"I'm fine. A beam fell, hit me on my side, knocked me down."
He hadn't even finished before Claire had a flashlight in her hand, checking his pupils.
"Let me see," her voice was soft; she was definitely worried.

"I'm fine," he told her again, a smile for emphasis on his lips.
He was fine, barely any pain. He was standing while Marta was still lying on her side.
He was much more worried about her than about himself. He was a doctor, his job was to help. And especially with Marta in danger... He had to be there for her.

"Let me see," Claire insisted, lowering her gaze to his midsection.
He figured there was no fighting her, so he lifted his shirt a bit on the side that was hit.
"I'll lay off working my obliques at the gym for a bit."
He figured that would be good enough to calm her down.

He didn't expect Claire to put her hands on the bruise.
"Ow," he hissed.
"How much does that hurt?" she asked, looking up at him for a short moment.
"No more than it should."
Still, Claire took a closer look, not yet satisfied.
"You're gonna need a full evaluation."
He figured she was right. As usual. She was probably a bit too worried. Then again, his judgment was likely clouded by the adrenaline. It would be easier to just get the evaluation done so they could all focus on the actual patients.

"I'll go with Marta back to the hospital, get checked out." He'd rather stay and help, but there would be enough to do at St. Bonaventure once he was cleared.
Claire didn't seem too happy, but accepted the compromise.

The next moment, Shaun was with them.
"Where was Lea?"
"In the Brew Hall, and it's completely blocked in," Neil told him. "Glassman and I already tried."
He couldn't tell Shaun anything else, so he turned back to Marta and the first responders that had arrived.
"The danger of spinal fracture so let's get a real cervical collar on her and get her onto the board."

They were barely touching her, but Marta hissed in pain.
"Stop!" Shaun intervened.
For a moment everyone was quiet.
"Don't touch her," Shaun continued.
"You winced when they touched your neck. Did your right hand hurt?" he asked Marta.
"Yeah," she confirmed weakly. "Like it was on fire."
Shaun nodded. "It's not just a fracture. Something is pressing on her spinal cord. Even the move to the board could shift the object, leading to permanent paralysis."
Everyone was looking at him, expecting him to continue. But all he said was "I need to find Lea." With that he left.

Neil turned to Claire.
"Get the battery-powered X-ray."
"Okay."
Neil turned to find Noreen looking at him, worry all over her face.

---

Once Claire was back they took the X-ray of Marta's neck, the results shortly after showing up on the tablet.
"It's right against her spinal canal," Claire said out loud what he had already feared.
"It's the C2 screws we used to fuse the vertebrae once the tumor was out," he confirmed.

"That doctor was right? I could end up paralyzed?" Marta asked.
"I'm afraid so." Neil hated it. And he hated having to tell her even more. Worst of all, he wasn't sure if he could make sure she wouldn't.
It was a delicate situation.
There was a moment where none of them spoke before Marta dared to ask.
"So, what are we gonna do about that?"
Neil looked at her, thinking, trying to come up with anything. He had nothing. Or nothing he particularly liked.

It was Claire who spoke up, meeting his eyes.
"We could remove the screw here."
Her tone was cautious, the more he thought about it, the more he agreed. It was their best option.
She continued to impress him. Most doctors wouldn't even consider that an option.

"No. You can't operate on my wife's spine in the middle of all this," Noreen interfered.
Neil turned to her.
"It would have its risks, significantly more than most surgeries, but Dr. Browne is right." He looked at Claire for a moment, then back to Marta.
"If we don't remove the screw here, it's very likely that you'll be paralyzed from the neck down."
She didn't hesitate. "Take it out."

Neil and Claire made their way outside to pick up everything they'd need for the surgery from the vehicles outside.

"We need a central line, endotracheal tube, bag mask, portable oxygen, anesthesia..." Claire murmured while looking through the cabinets.
"We've got Midazolam."
"That combined with a morphine drip should work," he said.
"Okay. Noreen?" Claire had seen her first and he looked up, surprised to see the woman outside the ambulance, instead of staying at her wife's side.

She looked up at them, a pleading look in her eyes.
"Don't do the surgery. Please."
He and Claire looked at each other for a moment, not sure what to say, then turned back to Noreen.
"I can't lose her. Not this soon. M-Marta was with her husband. She was miserable. She didn't know —"
Neil could appreciate where Noreen's heart was at, but it didn't matter. This was Marta's decision.
"We're not the ones you need to persuade," he told Noreen, then left the ambulance with the supplies he had gathered. "Sorry," he added and made his way inside.

---

Noreen talked to Marta, so he and Claire waited, they needed the final decision before getting to work.
Finally, Noreen looked at them, nodding lightly.
They set everything up, getting ready for a surgery he never thought he would perform.

Claire and he had gotten into position, the side prepared as best as possible.
Noreen was still with them, they'd need her help, too.
"When I cut, brace this," he explained, pointing at the piece of wood Marta's head was taped to.
"Her neck cannot move at all."
Noreen stepped closer, using both her hands to make sure everything would stay in place.

He focused back on his task, taking the scalpel from Claire and blocking out everything beyond the surgery they had to perform.
"Making initial midline incision to posterior neck."

They were doing fairly well, given the circumstances, when a rapid beeping disturbed the concentrated silence. "We've got a bleed." Claire said it first, but he had noticed it, too.
"Clamp," he requested. Just a split second later Claire handed it to him — she always knew what he needed. In the OR and as his friend.

"The hardware tore a muscular branch of her right vertebral artery." He knew what had happened.
"I can't find the bleed without suction," he continued.
"I see it," Claire said. She put the clamp in the right spot, which stopped the bleed and the beeping.
He looked down, quite some blood had run down from Marta's neck.

"Her vitals are stable, but she's lost too much blood. We can't keep cutting till we give her a transfusion."
He didn't like it, but he couldn't risk it.
He looked up at the EMTs. "Check all local hospitals and blood banks. See who can get us O-negative, stat."

The paramedic was hardly gone when Claire spoke next to him. He turned to her.
"There might be another way to transfuse her." He wasn't sure what idea she had and before he could ask her, she had already left.

He was curious what she would come up with. Whatever it was, he was sure it'd work. She had once told him — when she was still new, and occasionally a little green — that she was brilliant. At the time, she had suggested using a 3D-printer to manufacture a femur for a patient.

He had since learned that more often than not she was beyond brilliant. How much she cared for everyone often made her think outside the box.
It was remarkable, really. She had a tough childhood but instead of being bitter about it, she had turned it into a strength. She chose to be the opposite of all she had grown up with. Some days, he couldn't believe how lucky he was to get to work with a doctor this remarkable or how he deserved her friendship. Claire Browne was too good for this world.

---

The silence while waiting for Claire to come back was tense. He kept looking in the direction she had left in, but was nowhere to be seen.
He saw Noreen stretching her neck, clearly stiff from standing next to her wife and holding still.

"Where did you two meet?" It was the only thing he could think of to start a conversation.
Noreen looked at him, surprised.
He wasn't sure what to say, thankfully she answered the question anyway.
"Church," she said, then added "I'm not a member anymore." He smiled sympathetically.

The reactions probably hadn't been kind to a relationship between the two women.
He could only imagine, knew that churches often preached about kindness and love until it went against their worldviews. Even in the 21st century.He had seen his share of disapproval about the friendship with Claire. If they were to cross that line... all hell would break loose.

He lowered his gaze to Marta but heard footsteps coming closer. He knew it was Claire before he even lifted his gaze. She was carrying something he couldn't quite identify yet.

"Okay," she said, and lifted the heavy object onto the beam they had lifted from Marta earlier.
A freaking beer engine. He was speechless, couldn't quite believe it. He was truly amazed. Genius.

"Place that in the surgical cavity."
She handed him one end of the tubes she had connected to the engine. He took it, still looking at her completely flabbergasted.

"You made a cell saver out of a..." He couldn't even say it.
"Beer engine." Marta sounded just as surprised.
A quiet laugh escaped Claire before she turned around to them.
"I ran alcohol through it to sterilize it."

Neil was left eyeing the beer engine, the tubes now attached to it.
The idea was so absurd, yet so clever and so... So incredibly Claire. There was no other way to say it. Her mind...

"Attach this to an IV" she handed the end of another tube to the EMT and adjusted the beer engine on the been a bit.
"We're gonna pump her own blood back into her." She said it to Noreen, but Neil needed to hear it himself to fully believe it.

A smile formed on his face. Still with some disbelief but mostly proud. Claire met his gaze and he could feel the spark lighting up in his eyes.

He continued the surgery, Claire steadily pumping on the beer engine.
It worked like a charm. Of course.
They were mostly quiet, concentrated, until Noreen spoke.
"That's... Incredible." He didn't have to look at her to know she looked as amazed as he had earlier. It was clear in her voice. "Thank you." It was directed at Claire.

"Spend enough time around Dr. Browne, you get used to incredible." He couldn't even say if the words slipped out or if he had chosen them carefully. It was on his mind often, of incredible she was. The beer engine... Just one more example.
He could feel her eyes on him so he looked up to meet her gaze.

It was short, but enough. He read her face, she couldn't quite believe he had just said it.
Almost overwhelmed, but she was probably wondering if there was a deeper meaning to his statement. Of course there was. These days with them, there always was. The corners of his mouth twitched up the slightest bit and he focused back on the surgery.

---

Not too long afterward he had removed the screws from Marta's back and closed the surgical site.

Noreen picked up the screw, looking at it.
"When will we know if she's gonna be okay?"
"When she wakes up," Claire answered.
"And there's still a risk of infection," Neil added. "Let's get her stabilized and out of here."

They worked together to get Marta onto a gurney and out of the building.
As they rolled Marta towards the ambulance, Noreen said her name.
All of them turned to find Marta's eyes open.

Claire, next to Neil, asked the question that would tell them if their efforts had been in vain.
"Can you squeeze Noreen's hand?"

Everyone looked to where their hands were linked.
Marta slowly but steadily closed her hand tighter around Noreen's.
Neil laughed, relieved. They had done this — he and Claire. Together. Against all odds.
Claire had the same smile on her face.
"Let's get you to the hospital."

They were already moving again, when Marta spoke.
"You two, free beer for life."
They both laughed at that. She was already thinking of rebuilding, although she still had a long recovery ahead.

Two thoughts crossed his mind.
First, she'd like Claire. They were both fighters and he was sure they'd get along well.
Second, he could see himself visiting her and the rebuilt brewery for many years. Claire by his side. As friends, for sure.But hopefully, at some point, as something more.

The thought hadn't left his head yet, when the earth shook once more.
Claire was the first to call it: "Aftershock!"

As soon as it was still again, Neil spoke to the EMTs.
"All right, get her out of here."
"Right," Claire agreed.

As soon as Marta was rolled away, Claire spoke up.
"That was a big one."
Neil barely noticed, suddenly not feeling well.
He threw up on the street.
"Oh! Are you okay?" Claire asked right away, the worried tone back in her voice.
"Yeah, just a little... A little motion —" He didn't get to finish the sentence, or the thought, as he stumbled against the ambulance behind him.Then everything went black.

---

He woke up, disoriented for a moment.
But it all came back quickly, the earthquake, the surgery, Claire and the beer engine.
They had finished the surgery, Marta would most likely be okay.
When he opened his eyes, he noticed the somewhat familiar surroundings.

He was in an ambulance, unmistakably. Even though the spot he occupied was not the one he was used to.

He quickly looked around, his eyes found Claire and his heart skipped a beat.

"This isn't my usual seat in a speeding ambulance," he commented. It was almost humorous, although he still felt a little dizzy.
He tried to sit up, uncomfortable with this position, but his attempt was stopped immediately, Claire's hand on his shoulder lightly pushed him back down.
A caring gesture, but determined.
Of course she was.

"You vomited and passed out," she explained.
He had figured he passed out, and now that she mentioned it, he recognized the taste in his mouth.
Still, he didn't really understand. Claire looked worried.
"You have a three-inch abdominal bruise and a big bump on your head, either of which could —"
He cut her off. "You can check it all out tomorrow. As soon as I'm back at the hospital, I'm going back to treating patients. They must be on overflow."
He had operated on Marta and there were more people who needed help. He felt fine, there were definitely people who needed more help than he did.

Claire wasn't having any of it.
"As soon as we're back at the hospital, you are getting a CT."
He heard the words she said, but didn't really understand why.
Claire kept talking, explaining. "You could have increasing intracranial pressure from contusions, edema, or a hematoma."

"I don't." He was a doctor, he knew the symptoms. He was sure he didn't have any of them. His mind was clear as day. He wouldn't have been able to focus on the operation otherwise. He was getting frustrated. All he wanted to do was help.
"I'm pretty sure I know my symptoms better than you do. No headache, no unilateral weakness." He stated, matter-of-fact. His tone was firm but with a certain softness that he reserved for Claire.

"The doctor without the head injury makes the call".
She gave him a tight lipped smile.
It was obvious she wasn't gonna take any form of disagreement from him. Still, in her voice was the same softness as in his.

Her eyes screamed how worried she was. It was directed at him.
It gave him a warm feeling in his stomach, his chest lifted at the thought. She cared about him.
He lay back, a light smile settled on his lips.
He wouldn't argue anymore, if it gave her peace of mind he'd do the CT.
He glanced at her in the seat next to the gurney.
He didn't dare to let his mind wander. It was decidedly not the time; with the earthquake they had enough to do and other things to worry about.
But the comforting feeling stayed with him — having someone look out for you was never a bad thing.
Especially not if that someone was Claire Browne.

--

Sure enough, back at the hospital she got him to change into one of the standard patient gowns and ushered him to the CT.

It was strange, being on the receiving end and not with her in the viewing room.

He waited for a while, but didn't hear anything from her. The scan should already be complete.
"I told you," he said, teasing her.
"What? Be quiet. Be still," she instructed.He couldn't help but grin. "The machine is already past the point where you would have seen any damage." He had done this many times, he knew exactly where she would have seen anything.
"The fact you haven't said anything means you're either trying to figure out how to tell me I'm going to die or you're trying to figure out how to apologize for wasting my time." There was no bite in his voice.
He would never admit it to anyone but he was grateful, that she wasn't settling.

"You're right. I'm glad your brain is fine. I'm not sorry at all."
"Appreciate the excessive concern. Now I can get out of here and to patients and you can get back to the winery to help."
Claire had just entered the room again and he looked at her. Really, he would rather keep her by his side, but she was needed there.

The expression on her face changed to confusion.
"Brewery."
"Oh, come on I misspoke. Been a bit of a rough day, you hear? There was an earthquake."
"I've seen you on a lot of rough days, but not once have I seen you confused," she said.

That much was true. He never had a problem keeping a clear head, even in the biggest chaos of the hospital.

"Move your gown." It was almost a question.
If it would ease her mind, he would.
He lifted it on the left side where the bruise was, but kept his gaze ahead.
Until he heard Claire's voice.
"You're bleeding internally." She was shocked, worried. Her voice lost some of its steadiness and gave way to raw emotion. She didn't want it to be true. Most people probably would've missed it, but he picked up on it.

He looked down, she was right.
He dropped his gown but looked back at her. All the teasing was gone from his face. Of course, she had been right to worry all along.It suddenly hit him that he was in serious danger. He wasn't stupid, deep down he had known that he might be injured. But he had been in denial — focused on Marta instead, and on Claire — pushing the thought away in order to help others. But now reality came back, full force.

---

They had done another scan of his abdomen, then assigned him a room. Claire had gone to find another attending. He suspected it didn't look good. So he was in his room, alone, trying to come to terms with the fact that this was his fault. Claire told him he needed a full evaluation. He was too stubborn, too focused on helping others, to admit it.

Claire came back with Audrey; neither of them looked particularly happy.
While Audrey came to his side with the tablet, Claire waited at the foot of his bed.

Lim handed him the tablet with scans so he could take a look himself then told him what they had concluded so far.
"Your hematocrits suggest you're still bleeding. Appears to be in the retroperitoneum."
"Probably from the pancreas," he agreed.

"If we open you up, it means major resections and reconstructions, and you could end up with ostomy or diabetes."
He couldn't help a small smile. They all knew that he knew this. "I'm well aware of the risks of abdominal surgery."
"The more conservative approach is an angio to embolization to stop the bleed. Less invasive—" Lim continued.
"Again, aware." He handed the tablet back to Lim. "Do the embolization."
Lim nodded once, and had started to leave.But Claire spoke up from where she stood at his feet.
"In this case, I don't think it's actually safer." She looked at Lim for a second and continued.
"If the bleed isn't from the pancreas, we'll have to keep poking around till we find it, and it might be too late."

It was something neither of them really wanted to hear, but Claire was brave enough to say it anyway. He could see it took a lot out of her, but she had the courage neither he nor Audrey had had.
He saw it, how difficult it was for her. It was always harder when it was personal — a friend, not simply a regular patient in the hospital bed.

He didn't really have to think about it, it was more a matter of accepting it.
He looked at Lim.
"You want to do the surgery instead?" she asked him.
"Not really. But Claire's right." His eyes went back to her. He wasn't smiling, but his face showed her he was grateful.
Claire nodded and she and Audrey left the room, to prepare for the surgery.

---

The first thing he noticed was the beeping of the monitor.
He opened his eyes and looked at the vitals. They were fine.
Then he turned his head down and lifted the gown. A large section of his torso was covered with a band-aid. He slowly peeled a part of it off to look at the scar.
They had cut open a huge part of his abdominal area.

He had barely looked at it when Claire and Audrey walked through the door.
"I think the scar will work with the tattoos." Joking was the only way he knew how to deal with the situation. He put the bandage back in place.
They both stood at his side this time, Lim spoke.
"The bleed wasn't from the pancreas." His eyes drifted to Claire's — she had made the right call.
"It was from the SMA," Lim continued.
He smiled at Claire, a thankful nod. The serious look on Claire's face told him there was more before Lim continued.

"But we found additional injuries all the way to the celiac trunk."
He didn't quite understand. "Ischemic bowel?" His eyes darted from Audrey to Claire.
"Early stages," she confirmed. "We have restored full blood flow and reperfused. I'm sure the bowel is gonna be just fine." She tried to sound confident, but her demeanor was telling a different truth.
Which worried him.
For the first time that day, he was really, seriously concerned.
A part of him felt bad that he had pushed back for so long. Against her concern and worry.

"How sure?" he asked. There was no immediate answer. "What's my lactate?"
Claire looked at Lim, which was enough. She couldn't say it.
"Four," Audrey said. Blunt, to the point; but it wasn't easy for her, either.

Nobody had to explain the significance to him.
"Means there's already been some failing to the bowel wall." They were all quiet for a moment.
"We're going to re-test your lactate. And I'm sure it'll have gone down." Claire was trying to convince herself. He could see it, he felt it, too. She was fighting with this, with the reality of what could be. All three of them did.

"But if it's gone up, it means ischemia is progressing, and there'll be more bacterial leakage. Which in turn will mean septic shock past the point of treatment"
He needed to say it. If he didn't it wasn't real. But he couldn't run from this. He had to face it.

"We're not there yet." Lim tried to sound optimistic, but her voice betrayed her too. This was weighing heavy in all of them.

---

The waiting was hell. He was in the bed, trying to come to terms with what was happening, what could be. The possibility he might not survive this.
All because he wanted to help.
He couldn't do anything, he just had to wait for the results.

He was looking out the window, it was still dark outside when he heard footsteps by the door.
He knew it was Claire. There was always a shift in the air, in him, when she was in the same room.
He just started talking.
"The year before med school, I took six months off, backpacked across Southeast Asia." He smiled at the memory. He was young and carefree back then. "Hotels were three bucks a night. Beer was 50 cents. And I found this little island in Thailand, Koh Lanta. Nothing but bamboo huts and palm trees. Stayed eight days. Read Moby Dick. Fell in love."

He paused. Claire hadn't said anything. Which told him everything. He could see her reflection in the window, she was standing by the door, her hands balled to fists at her side.
No good news.

"How high?" He finally asked.
"High," she said, her voice weak, sad.
Finally he turned his head to look at her.
"8.1"
For a moment they just looked at each other, a heavy silence between them. They both knew what it meant.
He looked away first, a shaky breath leaving his lungs. He couldn't handle it.

"Place is probably overrun with tourists now."
Tears were threatening to fall. He tried hard not to let them.

Claire took a seat next to his bed, just there. He looked at the wall, but felt her looking at him, like she was trying to figure something out. Solve a puzzle. Most likely trying to think of something — anything — they could do for him.She wasn't ready to let him go.

"I'm not afraid to die." He turned his head to look at her. "I was raised a good Catholic altar boy, First Communion... faithfully wore my silver crucifix that Tia Abebe gave me for Confirmation. I was a true believer." He remembered the time — his faith had meant so much to him.
"Then I went to college. And maybe it's just now that I'm staring into the yawning void, I'm hedging my bet, but... It's coming back to me." He inhaled, still shaking, then looked at Claire again, intently. She had listened to him, giving him her undivided attention. He was glad she was there for him. Much like his faith was now. "Like an old friend with a warm hug." He tried to smile at her.

They had become friends, close friends. And he cherished every moment of it. He knew she didn't trust lightly, but she had trusted him, let him in.
A single tear escaped her eye, it took her a while before her hand reached up to wipe the stain away. His words had moved her, moved something in her. Like the realization had finally sunken in. This was it.
They were forced into an early goodbye.

She was struggling — to find words, to come to terms with what was happening, maybe with everything. He saw it, the emotional chaos, could feel it.
Inside her, everything was working. She lowered her head for a moment.
Then, finally, she spoke the voice still weak, still struggling. He could hear tears, her throat was tight. She lifted her gaze to his as she spoke, her voice cracking slightly.
"I want you to know that I —"
"Don't."

He couldn't. He had more than an idea what she was going to say. He felt the same. Had felt it for a while. This thing between them, that had grown into more than just friendship. More than respect and admiration.
He clenched his jaw.
It hurt too much. He couldn't hear her say it. If she did, he would break — he wouldn't be able to let her go. But his was not the only fate decided that night. They were still in a hospital. He was in this position because he wanted to help others.
And there were still more in need of help.
It was the right thing to do.

"You should go." Tears came out of his eyes, he tried wiping them away, pressed his fingers against them for a moment. He needed couldn't fall apart. Not yet.
"This place still has a crisis going on."

She seemed to understand, but he could see the struggle in her. She didn't want to leave him.
She got up from her seat. They looked at each other, all the unsaid things hanging in the air between them.
He begged her, with his eyes, not to say it. Any of the things they both knew were true. Things that maybe shouldn't be true, but neither of them could deny. Not now, faced with a reality that had shifted in a way that forced them to reevaluate their choices.

"Goodbye, Claire." He didn't know what else to say. He wasn't ready, but he didn't have a choice.
They needed her.
"Goodbye," she said. A short moment later she turned and left his room.

---

Once more, he was alone for some time. He needed that — to really come to terms with his fate, face with the facts he could no longer deny.
Eventually, Audrey came to him.
She sat down on the bed by his legs, a somber expression on her face.
This wasn't easy on her, but she was holding up better than Claire. Or at least she pretended to hold it together better than Claire.

"I'm sorry. I should've been able to do more. Faster, better." It was so typically Audrey.
He had no doubt they had done all they possibly could. If Audrey and Claire couldn't save him, he had been a lost cause.
"I know you wanna find blame. If there's blame, there's a reason. Sometimes..." He took a deep breath, but his voice broke as he continued "...there just isn't."

Audrey looked at him, somewhat surprised.
"It pisses me off, too."

He thought back. They had been friends for many years. Knew each other even longer, since they first started in the program.
Late nights out, drinking whiskey, watching the new Spider-Man movies together. He valued her friendship.
It didn't matter that their relationship hadn't worked out. It had been a stupid idea, they knew that now. But he was glad they had been able to remain friends, once the dust had settled.

"I could've spent a lifetime drinking whiskey with you."
"I was even starting to like it neat," Audrey smiled sadly.

"What did we do?" she asked.He could see she was struggling. It made sense, here at the end, to question everything. But to him, there was no point.
"No blame." There was none. And in the end, everything had turned out the way it was supposed to. They had both moved on.

He reached out to take her hand, she took it and they just sat in silence for some time.

Eventually, Audrey left, to treat patients. Just like the others. She needed to do as much as she could. It wasn't just a job for any of them. It was who they were.More than anything, Neil wished he could be there with them. Bloody gloves in the ER, saving patients in the OR who only had a fighting chance because of them.

Not too long afterwards Aaron came to him.

"Hey," Aaron greeted him, voice low.
"Hey."
Glassman stopped at the end of the bed. "I heard the A's picked up another reliever."
"Yeah." They were quiet for a moment before Aaron spoke again. "I keep thinking what's gonna happen to the next Theresa Adams? Remember her?"

Neil did, of course. A faint smile appeared on his lips. "Gallbladder."
"Or so we thought. We get in there, it's completely healthy. I blame it on lousy imaging. You call a duodenal ulcer blocking the duct. Saved her life."
Neil smiled at the memory. It had been early in his residency, certainly not the first life he was part of saving. But the one he had had the greatest impact on, compared to the other cases.

"Just so you know... You're the best I ever worked with." Neil had heard that many times. But hearing it from someone like Glassman, who had made a name for himself and had seen him from the time he started the residency, all highs and lows... It meant more than from most people.

"A bottle of Macallan says they win the division." Neil didn't have it in him to talk about the past. He and Aaron had always connected through their love of baseball.
"Twenty-five or seventeen?"
Neil chuckled. "Twenty-five."
Aaron escaped a small chuckle, too. "It's a sucker bet."
"Hey, it's my funeral."

There were footsteps just outside, they both turned their heads. Claire was there, in the door cautiously walking in.
Neil wasn't sure how much Aaron knew, but suspected it was enough when he came around and took his hand.
"I look forward to that scotch." Neil closed his eyes and nodded.
Aaron let go of his hand and Neil turned his attention to Claire.She was still a few feet away, maybe waiting for Aaron to leave, maybe to gather the courage to start talking.

He was glad she was there, that she came back.
They still had things left to say.
"I got you something," she said. Neil couldn't help but smile. It was so Claire — loving, caring, comforting.

She walked up to him and he opened his palm.
Claire placed a silver necklace with a cross in it.
Looking at it, h saw a crucifix, just like he had told her earlier.
He smiled at her, grateful, not sure how he deserved her.

There was an unspoken agreement, between them. She came around to his left, lowered the side rail of the bed, and took a seat by his hip.

She helped him put the crucifix around his neck, resting it on his chest. It grounded him, he could never find the words to tell her how much it meant to him. Yet something told him she already knew.

For a long time, they just looked at each other. There were so many things between them they wouldn't get to say anymore, wouldn't get to do. He wished he could have talked her out to bowling more often. Teach her until she beat him. 'Cause if Claire Browne put her mind to something... world watch out.

"You saved me," she finally said.
"No," he almost laughed at the thought. But she nodded, tears welling in her eyes.
"I was just in the right place at the right time." She wiped a tear from her cheek, that had escaped. "That was all you."

He meant it. Claire was so much stronger than she realized. He wished she could see herself through his eyes, just once. How proud he was of her, how she turned her life around, no matter how many curveballs it threw.
"You're gonna be okay, Claire."
She would be. She had to be.

She didn't fight him.
"There is something I need to tell you," she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.
They had both known the moment would come when she had told him the results of the lactate. There was no more putting it off. Maybe this was the hardest part. Because they both knew that if the situation was different, they wouldn't talk about it. Not for a while. Probably not until she finished her residency, maybe some time after that.
But now, it was their last chance to say it.

"Me, too. I go first."
Claire was looking at him through her watery eyes, all attention on him like he was the only thing in her life that mattered. Like there was no earthquake and no hospital around them. All he wanted, was to see her smile. Just one more time.

His breath was shaky and uneven. He started speaking slowly, like this was the most important thing he ever said.
"You. Are..."
He pushed out the rest, a slight grimace on his face. "A terrible bowler."
He never understood how, of all the things in the world, she sucked at bowling.

The words had the desired effect and a smile spread on Claire's face followed by a little laugh.
It warmed him on the inside.
"Maybe the worst I've ever seen."

She took a deep breath, another laugh fought its way out.
"And I wanted to tell you that I hate your tattoo," she teased him back. "Way too much antler." Her voice was about to break.
He chuckled at her words.

It was quiet for a short moment, both of them catching their breaths.
Until Claire couldn't take it anymore, the words bursting out of her like she had kept them in a prison for too long, the pressure finally bursting open the door. Her voice broke. "And I love you."

She looked at him, maybe not sure how he took her confession. So he smiled at her, reassuring.
"I love you, too."
They smiled at each other, through the tears.
Somehow he had found her. Or maybe she had found him. It wasn't important.
Just that they had each other.

Claire lifted his left arm off his stomach, making space to rest her head on his chest. He found her hair with one hand, lightly stroking it, while the other found its place on her neck.
He looked at her and couldn't help thinking how right it felt. The thought made him smile down at her.

He still would've had dreams, things in his life he would have wanted to accomplish. But none of that mattered anymore. He was simply glad to have Claire by his side. Regret, that they wouldn't get more time together, filled him.
The same regret was evident all over Claire's face, tears running down from her eyes onto his hospital gown.

He didn't know what he hated more. The fact that they wouldn't get to find out what it could have been between them or that he would be just another one of the people who left her. Someone she cared about and put her faith in and he let her down.
Even if not by choice.

He thought about everything they could have built — pictures flashing through his mind's eye. A real date, not hiding from the colleagues at the hospital. Vacations, him down on one knee proposing, a wedding, kids...

It wouldn't have been easy, but he would have went to the ends of the earth and back for her. Nothing good or worthwhile was ever easy. The fact, that things between them would've been difficult, at first, made him certain: it'd have been worth every ounce of fight. He just knew it in his gut.

"When you know, you know," many people said.
Every couple he knew who had been married for many years — and were still happy — had all just known.
Well, now he knew. Too late, but he knew.

Notes:

Most of the scenes you probably recognize.
I hope you still enjoyed my take on Neils POV during these two episodes. And the scenes I made up, of course.

Would be happy to read some comments what you think will happen next, what you're expecting.
Chapter 2 will really dive into the story and where it's going.

Chapter 2: Déjà Vu

Notes:

Alright, chapter 2.
It's a short one, but it should tell you what is happening.

The alarm disturbed his dream, waking him up.
He punched it off and glanced at the time — 6:00 a.m. on the dot.
He felt a bit confused; pictures of a strange dream flickered in his mind. He couldn't quite remember all of it, but he remembered Claire.
She was a constant in his dreams lately.
Only after he had realized that his feelings for her weren't so platonic did it all make sense.

He sat up against the headboard, then grabbed his phone to check for anything interesting.
No missed calls or urgent messages, just a reminder for the fundraiser in the evening.
So he got up and changed into his gym clothes.
As he did every morning, he drank a tall glass of water, swung the gym bag over his shoulder and headed out.

He didn't expect to see Claire on the rowing machine, given she had the late shift, but he was slightly disappointed regardless.
A smile formed on his lips as an idea took root in his mind — he would challenge her to a race. He knew that, if he tickled her competitive side, she wouldn't be able to resist.

When he was done with his workout routine and had showered, he drove to the hospital.
A coffee in hand, he headed to his office, ready to start the day.

Nothing unusual was scheduled for the day, nothing that promised to be exciting or mysterious. He wished Claire was on his rotation this week. Even on less crazy cases, it was great to work with her and watch her connect with patients.
A surgery was scheduled for the afternoon — which would've been perfect to give her more responsibility... But she was not with him, so he tucked the thought away for another time.

---

The day passed by and he was on his way out, just grabbing his things, when he saw the familiar figure in the lounge, clearly deep in research.
He was supposed to leave on time, but couldn't resist going to say hello.
He had barely seen Claire all week since they were on different shifts and he had missed her.

Claire didn't hear him come in through the door to his office, so he snuck up behind her, then whispered in her ear.
"What's so interesting there?"

Claire flinched, putting her hand over her heart.
She turned around to look at him, a playful glare on her face.
"Did nobody ever tell you not to scare people like that?!"
He gave her a cheeky grin and walked around the armchair, taking a closer look at all the paperwork she had scattered around the table.

"I'm waiting for some test results to come back, hopefully that will help us with the diagnosis," she informed him.
"Certainly looks interesting. Good luck."
"Thank you." Claire smiled at him before checking her watch. "So where are you going, leaving the hospital on time?"

"Aaron and I are going to a fundraiser at the Bolt Statement Brewery. A former patient is hosting."
"Sounds great, you two have fun."

"Hey, you're free tomorrow right?" Neil asked.
"Yeah, I am."
"How about we meet for lunch? You can tell me all about this interesting case of yours. Or not, if you prefer not to talk about work on your day off." Neil wasn't sure why, but he felt a little nervous.

They had spent a lot of time outside the hospital together. But with Dash in Claire's life he wasn't as sure she'd agree to meet him as often anymore. At some point she may want to spend more time with Dash — and have less time for him, or other friends.

Thankfully, Claire smiled at him.
"Lunch sounds perfect."
He couldn't help the big smile that appeared on his face.
"Perfect, I'll see you tomorrow then."

He had been looking forward to the fundraiser all week and didn't want to be late. Otherwise he'd have loved to stay longer and talk about the case with Claire.

"Well, have a good night. Don't drink too much; you do have a lunch date tomorrow." There was a humor in her voice and he was sure his knees just turned to jelly.
"I do," he grinned happily. "Have a good night, Claire."
"You, too, Neil."
With a smile and a slight nod, he turned to leave.
Once he was out the door, he looked back at her through the glass one more time. She was already working on her case again, but he wished she could come with him.

---

Once he arrived at the brewery, he quickly found Aaron at the bar. Neil went over and ordered a beer for himself. They chatted for a bit when he spotted Lea.
They barely knew each other but he had seen her around the hospital since she started working for the clinic.

"Was Lea invited?" he asked Aaron.
"Not that I'm aware of," Aaron replied.
They both went over to say hello.
Before a proper conversation started, Marta and Noreen were next to them, greeting them with big smiles.

He had a strange sense of déjà vu walking through the brewery with Noreen — like he had dreamed this before, but couldn't recall what happened next.
He shook his head, trying to brush off the thought.
Before he could fully focus again, the earth shook beneath his feet. Earthquake.

More memories unlocked in his head.
The destruction, Marta, the operation, Claire...
And then he was buried, again, under the ceiling that had given way.

---

He came back to it, his phone ringing.
He spoke to Audrey. Aaron reset his own shoulder.
A few more details were now clear in his mind.
He found Marta, exactly where he knew she would be. It didn't make sense to him, how he could see all of this in his head before it happened. How the details could be so right.

Claire came to him, clearly worried about him. He reassured her he was okay, already focused on Marta.
"Claire, I'm fine. But Marta needs our help. The screw we used to stabilize her spine — we need to take it out or she'll be paralyzed."

Claire looked at him, questioningly.
"You're sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, don't worry about me. But I do need your help with the operation."

"Okay. What do we need?"
They gathered everything they needed and set up.

He made the incision and got to work, with Claire by his side. He wasn't sure what to expect next, so he was attentive. Working precisely and carefully.
Until a bleed interrupted the flow. Claire was quick to find it and put a clamp in place.

He requested blood for a transfusion, they couldn't continue without it.
"There might be another way to transfuse her..." Claire was gone before he could ask questions.
So he waited.
Soon Claire came back with a beer engine.
"I ran alcohol through it to sterilize it. We're gonna pump her own blood back into her."

He felt like this may have been in his dream, or wherever these pictures in his head had come from, too. There was a familiarity to the scene he could not explain otherwise. It didn't matter, he was impressed.
Claire gave him one end of a tube, the other to the EMT.

Noreen was speechless for quite some time and just watched — not Neil as he operated, but Claire who was pumping the blood.
"That's incredible."

Neil smiled. He was so proud of her and something fluttered in his chest. Other people saw it, too, how smart she was.
"Spend enough time around Dr. Browne you get used to incredible." He looked at her — for a brief moment only — but tried to put everything he couldn't say into his gaze.

They had long been used to it, communicating with their eyes; had often done that in the OR, with the masks on.
There were things he couldn't say, shouldn't say. Not now. Not while she was still his resident. How much she amazed him, how proud he was.All the things that went beyond professional. Things that blurred the lines of their friendship.
She understood him. He could see how it almost knocked the air out of her lungs. Hardly ever had he seen her speechless. Now she was.

He finished the operation without further complications, and once outside, Marta was able to squeeze Noreen's hand.
He smiled at Claire, happily. Chances were, Marta would be fine.
"You two — free beer for life." He would take Marta's word for it, hopefully, Claire would be with him many times.

He couldn't quite finish his train of thought as the aftershock hit. He sent the EMTs on their way with Marta — and with the next breath, he threw up, then passed out.

---

When he woke up, Claire was sitting next to him in the back of an ambulance.
He wanted to sit up, but she wouldn't let him.
He tried to remember if there had been anything in his dream about this, but he couldn't. Anything after the earthquake was hazy.
All he knew was he needed to help.

Claire got the final word, leaving no room to argue. "The doctor without the head injury makes the call."
They did the CT. It showed no signs of head injuries.
He wasn't surprised — he'd have recognized the symptoms.

But when he mixed up his words, Claire asked him to move the gown and they found he was bleeding internally.
Suddenly he was hit by another wave of déjà vu — Claire and Lim talking to him, deciding surgery was the better choice over embolization.
He didn't say anything. It made no sense.

Of course they came to him. Claire argued that if it wasn't the pancreas, they'd be left poking around -- hoping to find the source of the bleed in time.
He agreed to the surgery.
How on earth had he known that?

He woke up from the anesthesia in his room to steady beeping beside him.
"I think the scar will work with the tattoos."
They weren't laughing. Didn't have any comebacks.
Instead they told him what they had found — the lactate.
He wondered if that had not been in his dream or if he just couldn't remember. Had suppressed it, perhaps.

Later Claire told him the result of the retest. His lactate was 8.1.
"I want you to know that I —"
"Don't." He simply couldn't bear to hear her say it.
He was pretty sure he knew what she had to tell him. He was not ready to face it.
So he sent her back out, to do what she did best. Where she needed to be, where other people needed her help.

His mind kept playing all these déjà vus. It was strange. Confusing.

Audrey came to say goodbye.
He told her he could've spent a lifetime drinking whiskey with her. Another moment that felt familiar. Like he had said those words before.

Aaron walked in next. Neil tried to keep the conversation on baseball — bet a bottle of Macallan 25 that the A's would win the division.
And then Claire came back.

Aaron left, Neil wondered how much he knew — if he had heard about the favoritism complaint.
Then he remembered: it didn't matter anymore.

Claire gave him a crucifix she had gotten for him.
She was so thoughtful. Having her by his side somehow made it easier and harder at the same time.
There was nothing worse than dying alone.
But maybe dying and seeing everything you're missing out on was just as horrible.

Claire was the one who started the conversation they both knew they'd have before his final breath.
"I need to tell you something."
That was it, he thought.

But he made a joke, about what a terrible bowler she was. Just to hear her laugh one last time.
She teased him back about his tattoo.
He just thought she'd never see the whole thing — before the next words escaped Claire's lips.

"And I love you."
"I love you, too."
She rested her head on his chest. Neil looked down at her, smiling.
He wouldn't let the last thing she saw of him be a bitter face. He needed her to remember him smiling. And really — when she was in his arms — how could he not?

---

The alarm ripped through his sleep.
6:00 a.m. He punched it off.
Naturally, Claire had been in his dreams.
The details were a little hazy.
He recalled some moments from the day she told him about Dash that had resurfaced — they often did.
But other moments were mixed in between.
Her worrying about him. Something shook — an earthquake? And a... beer engine?
It felt like the wrong pieces of a puzzle. Nothing fit together, the picture unclear.

A look at his phone told him it was Friday, 5th June, the day of the fundraiser.
He got out of bed, went through his routine, and was out the door — on his way to the gym — within 15 minutes.

The rowing machine was empty. He'd challenge Claire to a race next time he ran into her there.

Once he arrived at the hospital and in his office he checked his schedule.
He wished Claire was on his rotation — the surgery he had scheduled for the afternoon would've been a perfect opportunity for her.
Besides that, he missed her. On opposite shifts, he had seen her very little throughout the week.

The day went by, and he didn't get a chance to see her until he collected his things to head to the brewery.
He saw her in the lounge working on something.

He went in, but she didn't hear him.
He softly placed a hand on her shoulder.
"What's got you so focused?"

Claire turned her head around to him.
The startled look on her face quickly made way for a smile.
"Hey, Neil." She greeted him, her voice soft.
"I'm waiting for some test results. Figured the best way to use the time was to dig a little deeper."

He had made his way around the armchair so she didn't have to keep looking over her shoulder to see him.
Her gaze landed on the bag in his hand.
"Where are you off to, leaving on time? Got a hot date?" He wasn't sure if he imagined it, but he thought there was something in her voice as she mentioned a possible date.

He chuckled. "Only if you consider Aaron hot."
Her face twisted into a playful grimace. "We're invited to a fundraiser at a brewery. Former patient of ours is hosting."

"Sounds nice. You have a good night then."
"How about lunch tomorrow? We're both free. Unless you got plans with Dash? I haven't really seen you all week."

He didn't know why he mentioned the last part, but it was out of his mouth before he could reconsider it.

"Dash and I aren't... It just wasn't right." She stumbled over the words, shaking her head.
He raised an eyebrow, his interest piqued. They had seemed a good match — something he hated to admit to himself.
He wondered what had happened. Suppressing a tiny spark of hope in his chest, he gave her a sympathetic look.
"Lunch sounds great." A genuine smile appeared on her face and caused a flutter in his chest.

"Well, if you want to talk about it, I'm here for you."
"Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow."
"I look forward to it." With a nod he turned to leave.
The door closed behind him, Claire was already lost in her research again.
But for a moment he stayed, looking at her.
He was one lucky guy to have her in his life.

As the thought crossed his mind, so did more images that could only be from a dream. Only, it felt more like they were memories.
Claire checking his pupils with a flashlight, worried about him.
Then she carried what looked like a beer engine.
Him in a CT, telling her she wasted his time.
Waking up in a hospital bed with a huge scar on his torso.
Lim and Claire talking about lactate.

He'd had lively dreams before.
Sure, some of them had featured Claire.
But this was very, very different.
He didn't know what to make of any of that.
But he wouldn't figure it out standing outside the lounge, staring at her.
So he left for the brewery.

With his mind still racing, he arrived.
He said hello to Aaron and Lea.
Marta and Noreen greeted them. When they started the tour his body tensed.
He saw the hallway, and it was like memories came crashing down in him.

"We should get out. Outside. We need to leave," he said to the group. They all turned to look at him.

"What? Why? Neil, are you okay? You look a little pale." It was Aaron who spoke up.
"Earthquake," was all he said. And just as the word left his mouth, the earth started shaking.

---

He could hear his phone ringing which brought him back to reality.
He was buried, part of the ceiling on him.
He picked up the phone. Audrey was on the other side.

He filled her in on the situation, feeling like he'd had this exact conversation before.
Afterward he went to find Marta, trapped below a beam. The firefighters lifted it off, but they couldn't move her. He'd already remembered, and confirmed, that she could end up paralyzed if the screw in her spine moved.

Just as he had seen it, Claire found him and, if he hadn't stopped her, she'd have done a full evaluation on the spot.
"I'll be fine. We need to help Marta," he told her. She looked at him skeptically but let it go.

They operated but a bleed forced them to stop.
Claire said something about another way to transfuse blood.
The fragment of her with the beer engine suddenly made sense.

He smiled to himself. A short moment later she returned, the beer engine in her hands.
Noreen mentioned how incredible that idea was.
Neil thought she had no idea how incredible Claire really was — beyond the amazing doctor, she was just as incredible as a person.
He looked up at her, pumping blood while he kept cutting.
"Spend enough time around Dr. Browne you get used to incredible."

Claire looked at him, maybe shocked at the compliment. He could see emotions flickering in her eyes but didn't have the time to think about it, as Marta was still open in front of him.

They had successfully removed the screw and were on the way to an ambulance when the aftershock hit.
Marta had just promised him and Claire free beer for life, something he suddenly recalled clearly, too.
And then, everything went black.

---

He came back to it in the ambulance. Claire insisted on a CT, and he didn't fight it.
Instead he lifted his shirt to reveal the bruise on his stomach. It had grown since before the surgery.
"You're bleeding internally," she stated.
"Yeah, I think so." He didn't think, he knew. His head was fine, but something was wrong. He still didn’t know how he had those answers — whether they were from dreams or memories — but he had them. Almost as if he was suddenly a psychic.

As soon as they were back at the hospital, they did a scan of his abdomen, which confirmed their suspicions.
Claire made sure everything was prepared for surgery as fast as possible while she went to look for another surgeon.

Unfortunately all attending surgeons were already with other patients, doing their best to save lives.
"We have nobody available at the moment. Andrews should be done soon, Lim is still at the brewery..." With tears in her eyes, her voice broke.

He didn't have to think about it, there was only one obvious answer to the problem.
"You start on your own. Do as much as you can."
Her eyes widened in surprise. "Are you sure? Neil this is —"
He nodded. "Yes, I'm sure. Claire you're a brilliant surgeon. I trust you. If anyone can do this, it's you."
He paused shortly. "I kinda need this to go well. I got a very important lunch date tomorrow."

She chuckled at his joke, shaking her head.
It only lasted a short moment, before she was serious again.
Her eyes met his. She took his hand and squeezed it tightly. "Okay."

---

He woke up, Claire and Lim were quickly by his side.
There was no doubt in his mind about what they were going to say, so before they could say anything, he asked.
"There was damage to the bowel, wasn't there?"
Claire nodded, fighting back tears.
"We're gonna retest your lactate."
He swallowed hard, but nodded.

He thought he knew how this would end. Another flash came over him. He heard Claire's voice in his head, the pictures now clear, like a movie he had seen before.
He didn't like the ending.

It all came true, just as he had seen it.
Claire told him his lactate was high.
He told her to go back to help others before she could speak the words he knew she wanted to say; words he knew they would say to each other before the end.

During the time he was alone he thought about everything that had happened. About how he seemed to have lived this before. All these flashes he had experienced, almost like visions. But they felt real, like he had lived those moments before.
It was strange, and made absolutely no sense. And yet...

Lim was coming to see him. It was no surprise, he had expected her. Not because they were friends, but because he remembered the conversation they would have.

Aaron came to see him. Neil could've written down exactly what Aaron would say before he even entered the room.
Of course, Claire came back.

She gave him the crucifix. He smiled at her. Grateful.

When he made a joke about her being a terrible bowler, that he definitely made before, she laughed like she heard it for the first time.
She told him she hated his tattoo. He thought he'd like to show her the part usually hidden beneath his shirts. Another time, under different circumstances. Maybe she'd like it.

Claire told him she loved him. He said it back.
It was insane — really. He was dying, but he wasn't sure it was the end. Maybe he was delusional, not ready to accept his fate, to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Yet there was something that told him his time wasn't up. He held Claire, her head resting on his chest and met her gaze as he slowly drifted into unconsciousness.
"Everything will be okay, Claire. I promise."
It was the last thing he said before everything went black. Again.

Notes:

Soooo Neil is stuck in a time loop - beats being dead!
Although, not a fun day to relive, for sure.

Sorry, if this chapter feels a bit repetitive - that's why I kept it shorter. I don't think Neil would wake up and instantly realize what's happening.
Chapter 3 will be longer again and things will begin to change.

Comments are always appreciated — let me know what I can improve in my writing. 😊

Chapter 3: Shaken To The Core

Notes:

This one is... Well, buckle up!

Fun fact: the chapter title was originally the title of the FF itself, but then I decided I liked it better for this chapter.

At 6 a.m. sharp, his alarm rang.
The first thing he noticed was the raging headache.
Then dizziness followed.
He silenced the alarm and, in the quiet that followed, tried to sort through the blur of snippets in his mind.

Slowly, he sat up, resting against the headboard.
A look at his phone told him it was Friday. Friday, 5th June. The fundraiser was scheduled for the evening.

That was the key — the fundraiser. It unlocked everything.

He remembered, clear as day, that this had happened before.
The gym, the empty rowing machine, Claire and her research, when she agreed to have lunch with him.
The brewery, the earthquake, the surgery on Marta. He recalled waking up in the ambulance, undergoing a head CT, and finding out about the internal bleeding. Having to say goodbye to everyone. And he remembered Claire, through teary eyes, looking up at him as her head rested on his chest. The guilt he felt that he could no longer be there for her.

And the regret — it was the heaviest; that he'd never get the chance to see what they could have had. Especially once Claire had told him she loved him. They had saved Marta but the price was high.

All those moments came back to him — not just once but three times.

The headache got worse as he tried to wrap his mind around it. Not just that it had happened, but also that, somehow, he was still there. A second, third and fourth chance.
Why, was beyond him.
He thought he might have lost his sanity, which was the only reasonable explanation.

Except he was mostly sure he hadn't.

Neil got up and went to the gym. It was the best way to clear his head, and get the blood flowing. Combined with stretching, it would help him feel better physically. He considered going for a run, but without Claire it wasn't the same anymore.

While the workout didn't help him make sense of anything, really, it helped with the headache. His shoulders and neck were also less tense.At least he had reached one conclusion: there was only one clear path-try to save everyone at the brewery.

A part of him wondered if that was the reason for all of this — that he had to save these people. He'd done his best, which had helped Marta but cost his own life.
Otherwise, why would he be back time and time again?
He needed to believe there was some higher power behind this.
If not, he had truly lost his mind. Which, he figured, was certainly a reasonable diagnosis.

If a patient came to him and told him what was now happening to Neil... he would order a psych consult. Probably check for a brain tumor, too.
They had done the CT, though, and Claire hadn't found anything — which could only mean one thing: there was nothing to find.

He drove to the hospital, grabbed a coffee, like every morning, and stopped by his office before he got to work. Without checking his schedule, he had it down by now.
The consults were easy enough, the test results confirmed each diagnosis. Even the surgery was uneventful, as it had been before.

The day dragged on just a bit, but finally it was time for him to leave. He grew slightly nervous, thinking about the brewery and the earthquake, remembering the damage it caused, those injuries.

He felt a heavy weight on his shoulders. If he didn't succeed, would he just wake up again on that same morning? Was there a limit, how many times he would be back to that morning? What if he survived and others died? Was the outcome relevant or was he stuck regardless?
There was no user manual for how this worked. Was there even a way out of it or was he stuck for all eternity? The headache was back, the thoughts overwhelming.

He grabbed his things from his office, then walked into the lounge — already knowing Claire would be sitting in the armchair, papers all around her. Too concentrated on her research to hear him. Sure enough, that's how he found her. His chest tightened at the sight.

For a moment he just looked at her, his heart skipped a beat. Another chance to save everyone also meant another chance for him. With her. For them. His mind replayed her telling him she loved him — tears falling.
It twisted his gut. If someone had asked them before, they probably wouldn't have chosen to fall in love with each other. It was too complicated.

But they had. And maybe, just maybe, it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. She truly made him better — as a surgeon, and as a person. Made him want to do better, be the best version of himself he could be. Hopefully, if he found a way out of the chaos he was in, they would get a chance. He didn't know what that would look like, not blind to the obstacles. But dying and only at the end confessing your love... It put everything into a new perspective.

He found a seat on the table, a small space that wasn't occupied by papers. Claire lifted her gaze from what she had been reading and smiled at him.
"Hey," she said softly.
"Hi." He smiled at her, he just couldn't help it.
His eyes lingered on hers. His mind was getting ahead of him, 5 steps ahead of reality. He thought about being there for her. Wrapping her in his arms. Kissing her, slow but sure. Just, telling her how much he loved her. Not in a hospital. Anywhere else. His pulse quickened slightly. He imagined a lazy Sunday morning with breakfast in bed, Claire in one of his shirts, while the morning sun shine through the window. Or on a random Wednesday night, when she beat him on their run and teased him about it — mercilessly; he didn't mind.

He hadn't realized he was staring until Claire cleared her throat and looked away. He noticed just a hint of a blush forming in her cheeks, and wondered what she had been thinking. If her thoughts ran down a similar path. Or maybe somewhere else entirely. He even considered if she, like him, had experienced this day before.

"You're leaving on time? That's new." More than once they had talked about the endless hours at the hospital and how it made having a private life so difficult.

"Yeah, there's a fundraiser at a brewery. Aaron and I are invited. A former patient is hosting it."

"Well, that sounds fun. Much more than waiting for test results and hoping the symptoms will make sense eventually." Her voice was low, almost sarcastic and the prospect.

"I thought you like the difficult cases." His eyebrows furrowed slightly.
"I do. But it's much more fun when I'm not trying to solve them alone." He knew Shaun was supposed to be with her, but wasn't surprised he was nowhere to be seen. He'd need to talk to him again.
Although the look she gave him made him think the comment was less about Shaun and more about him. He wished he could stay an help her.

"Hey, not sure if I asked you this before... but how about lunch tomorrow?"
Claire looked at him, questioningly.
"No, you haven't asked me that before." A smile replaced the confused look and lit up her face. "But lunch sounds great."

Her answer and initial confusion told him all he needed to know. He was stuck in whatever loop he was in alone. He had already figured that was the case, but now he was sure.

"Well... Shame on me." He was only half joking "But I'll see you tomorrow." A small smile tugged at his lips
"Have a good night, Neil."

He got up to leave. Before he was out the door, he turned around, only one thought on his mind.
Hopefully I'll make it to that lunch.
He hated the idea of letting Claire, and everyone else, down.

He opened the door and headed to the brewery.

---

As soon as he arrived, he found Aaron at the bar. Lea was in her usual spot, too.
"Neil, you okay?"
He assumed Aaron noticed his stiff posture and tense shoulders. The way he felt, stress was probably written all over him.
But he didn't have time for pleasantries.
"No, I'll explain later. We need to evacuate — there's gonna be an earthquake. The ceiling won't hold up."

Aaron tilted his head, a skeptical look on his face.
"What? How do you know?"
"I just do. I'll explain later."
Before he could say more, Marta was behind him, greeting them warmly.
"The guys who made this all possible!"

"Marta, we need to evacuate right now. There's gonna be an earthquake. Don't ask how I know. Just trust me."
He had to give Marta credit; she didn't doubt him for one second, just sprung into action.

"Everybody please leave the building and get out on the street." She shouted over the buzz in the room.
"Everybody out, now!" Neil added.
A few heads turned to them, confused, but people started moving towards the exit.

Neil and Aaron followed last. It made Neil a little nervous that people weren't moving faster, but he also knew that it was a good thing that there was no panic.
Relief washed over him when he saw that Marta and Noreen made it outside safely, just ahead of him.
Marta was already pointing and giving instructions — he heard her loud voice and saw her through the window. Probably to get people to safer spots, away from anything that could possibly fall down.

Neil and Aaron finally made it out of the building, too.
Neil sighed and his shoulders relaxed.
They went over to Marta and Noreen.
"Are you missing anyone who should be here?"
He saw their eyes flicker over all the guests, now standing in the street, a little lost. They didn't know why they had to leave just yet.
He followed her gaze.

"No, I think everyone is here," Marta confirmed.
"I think so, too. This should be everyone," Noreen agreed.
"Okay, good." Aaron said next to them.

But Neil remembered something. He scanned the crowd outside again, looking for someone who wasn't on the guest list per se.
"Aaron... Do you see Lea?"
"No. Was she here?" Aaron asked, confused.
"She was here, I saw her when I came in." Urgency was in Neil's voice. He tried to look inside the brewery through the large windows. But he couldn't see her.

Without a second thought, he made his way towards the door, the one he had just exited.
"Neil, what are you doing? Are you crazy? You said the ceiling won't hold!"
"Exactly. Once this earthquake hits, the whole thing is going to collapse. I need to get her. Otherwise her death is my fault."

He felt responsible for everyone and everything. It was a burden he carried, now that he knew what was going to happen. He couldn't stop the earthquake, but he would do whatever he could to make sure nobody else got hurt.

Neil vaguely noticed panic rising with the guests as soon as he said the word earthquake. But his focus was already on trying to find Lea.
He walked back inside, "LEA!"
There was still music playing, the lights were on, drinks on the tables.
It was strange to think that any any moment this place would just collapse like a house of cards.

He made his way over to the bar where he had last seen her and looked around. Where could she have gone?
He spotted the sign for the restrooms.
Maybe she was in there.

He rushed towards the door and opened it.
"Lea?!" The men's room was to the right, the ladies' on the left.
Neil opened the door and looked inside.
"Lea?!" She stood a few feet away, at the sink. She turned her head, surprised.

"Dr. Melen—"
"We need to go outside, there's gonna be an earthquake. Come on."

Her face twisted into shock, but she hurried through the door he held open and towards the exit.
They had just left through the door leading to the restrooms, when he heard the first quiet rumble.
"Run!" He hoped they would still make it out in time.

Neil had crossed the room halfway, Lea just ahead of him, the door in sight, when the earth started shaking violently.
He almost lost his footing, but managed to stay upright. He wasn't as fast anymore but tried to take one step at a time.
He saw Lea step through the door just as the ceiling caved.

He looked up shortly, but quickly focused back on his feet, taking another careful step.

He barely registered the beam coming down before it slammed onto his head. He didn't even feel the impact. The world had already gone dark around him.

---

He woke up with a headache, which didn't surprise him.
Slowly, he tried to open his eyes, but the dizziness quickly forced them shut again.
He blindly reached for his alarm to turn it off.

All the images of the brewery came back to him. An uneasy feeling spread through his stomach.
He hadn't made it. A hand reached up to his head where the beam had hit him.
He had barely felt it at the time, passed out too soon, but now he thought he could feel the pulsing of a wound.

Slowly, eyes only half open, he made his way out of the bed and to the bathroom to look in the mirror.
As far as he could tell, everything was fine. Physically, at least. Emotionally...

He was restless and nervous. At least a little desperate, probably a lot. Confused. The whole thing was insane and weird. He felt lost.
Waking up the same day over and over again was one thing. Dying each time wasn't exactly... Easy.
It was draining and he wasn't sure how long it would take for him to go insane if this kept happening.

He grabbed his phone and headed to the kitchen. With his glass of water he sat down at the kitchen island.

For a while he just stared into the glass, eyes unfocused, trying to sort his thoughts.
Everyone had made it safely out of the brewery. Except, obviously, for himself.
So he was back. He hadn't even checked his phone, didn't need to. He could feel it.

He gulped down his water, hoping it would bring some clarity to his mind. It didn't help.

He had to do more, try harder. Maybe find another way.
If he just got there sooner, maybe he'd have enough time to evacuate everybody, and make it outside himself, safely before the earthquake hit.

Even though it was later than usual, he decided to stop by the gym before work. He was already up and had about 2 hours before his shift started.
Hopefully, it would also help him with the stiffness he felt.

The day at the hospital had no surprises, as he had already anticipated. Everything was the same as it had been. Except this time he made sure to finish all he needed to do a little early.
He got to his office to get his things and then went to talk to Claire.

Seeing her grounded him. Asking her to lunch gave him something to look forward to the next day. It gave him hope — just being around her recharged his batteries.
And God knew, he needed every ounce of positive energy he could get.

He took a seat on the table again. He liked being eye to eye with her. "Find anything yet?"
She looked up at him, surprised but not startled.
"Maybe... I need to wait for the test results to come back, but... I have an idea."

He couldn't help but smile. She was always very smart. He had seen it early on. "Good. Glad to hear it."
She smiled back at him, almost a little shy.
All he wanted, was to stay around and help her. But he couldn't. He needed to get to the brewery.

"Hey, I need to get to this fundraiser with Aaron, but since we're both free tomorrow, why don't we meet for lunch? I haven't really seen you all week." He had so often been nervous when he asked her, but by now he already knew her answer.
However, the smile that lit up her face still caused a fuzzy feeling in his stomach.
She looked so beautiful.

"Yeah, sounds perfect."
"It's a date." It was not really a joke, but not serious either. He wanted it to be a date. For many reasons it couldn't be. But he really, really, wished it was.
As he got up from the table, he smiled at her. Although it was the last thing he wanted, he needed to leave. He couldn't let all those people at the brewery get hurt.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night, Neil." There was a twinkle in her eyes, an amusement.
"Good night, Claire."

He did his best to walk to the door like a normal person, not like he wasn't sure if his knees were going to give in any second.
Looking back at her, he opened the door. She was already reading something again.
"Oh, and Claire?" His voice came out soft.
Her gaze met his as soon as she lifted her head.

There were so many things he wanted to say. How much he loved her. That he wished he could stay and help her. How much he wanted her to be happy. And that he wanted to be the one to make her happy. That she deserved happiness.

The prospect that he might die again... It did something to him. Made him want to say all these things to her that she deserved to hear.
But none of it came out.
"I look forward to hearing all about this case tomorrow."

It was stupid. Not at all what he wanted to say. But all that he could. At least for now.

Claire's eyes seemingly tried to read his mind. As if she knew it was not at all what he truly wanted to say.
But she didn't press him on it. "Can't wait."
She smiled, and he figured she meant she couldn't wait to see him tomorrow, not to talk about work on her day off.

Even if they both loved their jobs, sometimes they needed a break. It was one of the reasons their friendship worked so well. They had connected far beyond the hospital and could fill their time together with chatter about other unimportant things. Or talk about the personal things; they had opened up to each other a lot.

And sometimes, comfortable silence was enough.
They could tease each other and be there for one another.

How he had managed to ignore the growing tension and attraction between them, he couldn't understand anymore.
Once he had admitted it to himself he realized that there had always been something between them. A buzzing in the background, just beneath the surface.
She had never been just another resident. She was... Claire. Smart, special, caring with her big heart.

He held her gaze another second, then let the door close and left to get to the brewery.
As soon as Claire was out of his sight, the uneasy feeling in his stomach returned.

---

He arrived at the brewery about 15 minutes earlier than he had previously. Looking like a man on a mission — shoulders squared, eyes focused, a no-nonsense expression on his face — he made his way to Aaron.

"Hi, Neil, you made it on time." For some reason he sounded surprised, but Neil didn't bother to explain that it was possible to finish a shift as scheduled. He had no time for that.

"Aaron, we have a problem. An earthquake is going to hit San José and this building will come down. We need to evacuate, right now."

"Neil, are you okay? How do you know that?"
"I just do, okay. Crawling under tables won't help; the ceiling is going to come down, we need to get out."

He looked around the brewery for any sign of Marta.
He found her on the other side of the bar. She was deep in a conversation with a happy smile on her face. Noreen was next to her.
Neil hated that she had built something so wonderful after the cancer, and it was about to be destroyed. He remembered how she had told him and Claire they'd get free beer for life after they removed the screw. She would rebuild — hopefully without another long recovery in the way.

"There's Marta. I'm going to talk to her. Can you make sure nobody is left in the restrooms or hallways?"
"Yeah, sure." Aaron didn't seem convinced, but probably figured it was better to be safe than sorry in case Neil was right. So he headed down the hallway.

Neil made his way through the crowd of people toward the hostesses.
As soon as Marta saw him, she smiled and excitedly opened her arms for a hug.
"Dr. Melendez, it's good to see you! Thank you for making this possible. Have you met my w—?".
"Marta, good to see you too. Yes, I remember your wife, Noreen." He spoke too fast, just getting the formalities over with before getting to the point.
"I need to talk to you both. It's urgent."
"Okay,?" Marta sounded worried, quickly looking over to her wife. "What is it?"

Neil took a deep breath, hopefully they would believe him.

"In a few minutes, an earthquake is going to hit. Don't ask me how I know — it's complicated. But I do know it's going to hit, and the ceiling is going to cave in."
"Oh my God." A horrified look spread across Marta's face as she scanned the room full of people she had invited — people who had come to raise money.
"We need to evacuate, right now." Marta said firmly, looking at her wife. Noreen just nodded slightly, still reeling from the shock of the information.

"Exactly. If we can get everyone out onto the street, maybe in the neighboring buildings, it should be fine."
Marta nodded, then turned to Noreen. "Can you turn off the music?"
Noreen didn't say anything, just made her way around the bar while Marta found a chair to stand on.

As soon as the music stopped, Marta's voice rang through the room.
"Everyone please leave the building slowly and go outside."
All eyes were on her, confusion among the guests was obvious.
"Please go outside. We will meet you on the street. It's important that we all leave the building."
Neil was glad she didn't say things like "Don't panic" which in his experience, tended to have the opposite effect.

The guests slowly filed out of the brewery and onto the street.
Neil nervously checked his watch. He didn't recall the exact time the earthquake hit, but he figured they should still have a few minutes. As long as nobody panicked, everyone should be okay.
He dared to hope that this time, they would all make it out without injuries.

Most of the people had made it outside when Neil spotted Aaron coming back, Lea following right behind him.
He was relieved to see them both.

"What's going on?" she asked Neil.
"I'll tell you later. For now, let's just get outside."
The five of them made their way toward the exit, and stepped outside just behind the guests.

"Is that everyone, or are we missing somebody?" Neil checked with Marta and Noreen.
They scanned the people scattered around the street. Some were looking at them, waiting for an explanation; others seemed unfazed and kept talking amongst themselves.

"No, that's everyone," Marta confirmed, and Noreen nodded.
"Good." Neil took a step forward and began speaking loudly and clearly so everyone could hear him.

"We are expecting an earthquake to hit any minute now. Please try to find cover. Do not stand near anything that could fall. Stay away from windows, anything that could break, and objects that could move and hurt you. The brewery is not a safe place for what's about to happen."

The people quickly broke up into smaller groups, heading in different directions. He could hear them talking; some were worried, some panicked. But everyone did as he said and tried to find safe spots.

"Come on, we need to find cover, too."
Marta pointed to an alley next to the building the brewery was located in. "We should be good over there."
They made their way over, staying close to the wall.
No windows, no signs on the walls. It was as good as they could find.

They didn't have to wait long.
They had barely found places they were comfortable with, as comfortable as possible in an earthquake, when the earth started shaking.

Being outside during the earthquake was different.
Every time Neil had been in the brewery, he could hear and see the interior being tossed around, and once everything came down it was too dusty to make out what anything was — or had been, for that matter. Plus, he had usually been knocked out.

Outside... He saw the houses on the other side of the street, three-story buildings, shaking like they were made out of thin paper.
Some windows were shattering, and he heard things crashing down to the ground.
The rumbling of the earth beneath him was loud; the sound a little disturbing.

They waited. It was all they could do — wait for it to be over.

It felt like an eternity. Neil's mind wandered. He thought of his sister, Gabby. He had never learned if her home was affected by the earthquake or not.

He thought of Claire. Hoped that she was alright, so far, she always had been. All he wanted was to see her smile at him again.
Neil remembered her telling him she loved him and just clung to that thought. All he wanted was to tell her how he felt without it being a deathbed confession or worrying that it might end her career before it began.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the shaking stopped. And suddenly everything was quiet.

He held his breath, then slowly let it out. "You guys injured?"
Aaron shook his head.
"We're okay," Marta answered.

Neil stepped out of the alley.
It looked like time stood still. He saw the other guests in their spots. Barely moving, just looking around. Nobody moved, just the dust that had been riled up, settling again.

And then time started moving again.
Like a school bell announcing the end of the day:
Doors of the buildings on the street flew open, people exiting them. Many of them on the phone, presumably to check in with their loved ones, others had called 911 and were telling the operators what had happened.

He looked around, trying to figure out where he could be most helpful.
He hadn't made a decision yet when his phone rang.
Without checking the caller ID, he answered. "Audrey, hi."
"Thank God. Are you okay?" She was worried. He couldn't blame her.

"Yeah, I'm good. Glassman, too."
"Good. The hospital is ok, we barely felt it here. I'm about to assemble a HURT team and head out. Any idea how many wounded?"

Neil looked around the chaos. He did see some people with smaller injuries, bleeding wounds. But he also knew the people with the serious injuries weren't able to walk outside themselves.

"Not really. Nothing too bad from what I can see, but not sure what's inside the buildings. We evacuated the brewery."For the first time since the earth started shaking he looked through a window into the brewery. It was dark inside, but he could make out enough of the damage to know what had happened. He remembered what it had been like -- after four times the pictures were burned into his mind.

"The ceiling caved in but we got everyone out safely."
"What? How did you manage that?"
"It's... Let's just say I had a feeling." He was still unsure how to explain it to anyone, so he decided to keep it vague. The details weren't that important, just the result. "We all got out before the earthquake started."
"Well, that's one hell of a hunch. Any other intuitions that will help us?

"I will start triage, try to get an idea where attention is needed the most. Just... Get here soon. If any of the other buildings look like the brewery, we'll need as many hands as we can asap."
"I'll see you soon."

They hung up and Neil slipped the phone back into his pocket.
He felt slightly hopeful that everything might work out.

He looked around, seeing that Glassman was already talking to people who had some bruises and open cuts.
Neil followed suit, asking people if they needed medical attention, if anyone was still inside who did.

He was talking to an elderly woman, who had been wandering around. She had already told him she wasn't hurt.
"Are you alone, or is anyone still inside? Someone who needs help?"
The woman shook her head, but someone spoke up next to them.

"Yes, my son is still inside. He's trapped. My husband is with him. I called 911 but they said it'd take time for the ambulance to arrive with the chaos in the streets. Please, can you help him?"
Neil looked at the woman. She was panic-stricken, worried about her son. She had spoken fast, he barely made out what she was saying.

He met her eyes, trying to radiate calmness. While he did understand she was scared, a panic attack would not lead him to her son.
"I'm Dr. Melendez. My colleagues will be here as soon as they can," he assured her. "Where is your son?"

"This way," she said and led him into a small apartment across the street from where the brewery was — or had been.
They walked up a flight of stairs. The hallway was dimly lit, some of the light-bulbs had burst and the shards were scattered on the stairs.
There were some cracks in the walls, but it felt like nothing to him, compared to what he'd seen at the brewery.
They entered an apartment on the first floor.

His breath caught as soon as he entered the room.
A lamp in the corner provided enough light to quickly assess the situation.

A boy, maybe 8 years old, was partly trapped beneath a toppled bookshelf on the side of the room. His legs disappeared beneath the shelf, most of his upper body free from the weight.
A man, presumably the father, was sitting on the ground next to him, stroking his hair. He only briefly looked at Neil, before turning his attention back to the boy.

The boy looked up at him through scared eyes, begging him to do something.

Neil's stomach twisted into an uncomfortable knot — he hated it. It was never easy to see someone badly injured, but it was always harder when it was a kid.
He had treated scared and helpless kids, and others who had been braver than life should ask of any child.

This boy, was afraid, even though he tried to hide it.
Neil could see it. It reminded him of Gabby's accident. She had looked at him with the same eyes. Back then, he couldn't save his sister — he had just been a child himself. But he would do his best to help this kid. Determination settled in him. He swallowed hard and let his professional mode take over. With a deep breath he calmed himself and got to work.

"What's your name?" Neil asked the boy while kneeling down next to him.
"Erik." His voice was quiet, breathing unevenly.
"Hi, Erik. I'm Dr. Neil Melendez. Can you tell me what hurts?"
"My legs."
"Okay. Anything else?"
The boy shook his head.

Regardless, Neil pulled out his phone and turned the flashlight on. It wasn't ideal, but he wanted to check the pupil reaction to make sure the boy hadn't suffered any head injuries when he hit the ground.
Thankfully, both eyes reacted as he had hoped.

"We kept telling him not to climb on the shelf..." The man's voice said, to no one in particular. Neil lifted his gaze to him. "It's not your fault. Kids climb on things all the time. You couldn't know this earthquake would hit."
"Thank you."

Neil knew all too well how easy it was to put the blame on oneself. But it wouldn't do their son any good right now.

Neil asked Erik a few more questions, partly to evaluate the situation, but mostly to distract him.
It seemed to work, as the breathing became more regular, but he could still see the clenched fists, eyes still traveling around the room like he was looking for a way out.

He figured the femur was most likely broken. It was also possible that the weight of the shelf was preventing any bleeding. Once they lifted it, it would be important that they could act quickly to stop it. Even if it wasn't an open wound, the boy could bleed out quickly, if either the iliac or femoral vein was damaged.

"Can you help him?" The woman asked, when Neil had stopped asking one question after another.

"We will have to wait for my colleagues and the firefighters to arrive. It's difficult to say how severe the injuries were. But I will do everything I can to make sure your son will be alright."

While she didn't seem satisfied with the answer, she gave him a thankful nod. Neil wanted to say more, but he didn't want to give them false hope that their son would be okay, if he wouldn't be. Nor did he want to worry them too much. It wouldn't help anymore in this situation.

So far, Erik appeared to be doing fine. Neil reached under the shelf as best as he could to check the boy's legs. They weren't cold, which was a good sign.
Still, Neil wasn't able to fully examine the boy under the circumstances. He could still have injuries he couldn't see.

Neil was nervous. If there were injuries to the blood vessels, lifting the shelf could possibly make everything worse. They needed to be able to react quickly in a worst case scenario. At the same time, as long as Erik was trapped there was no way of telling what the actual damage was and they might lose valuable time.
There was also the possibility that an aftershock would make everything worse. The movement, the shifted weight. There was no telling what would happen, if Erik's legs were still trapped when it hit.
Neil just hoped his colleagues would be there soon.

It took around 10 more minutes — although to Neil it felt much more like a hundred — before the sound of the sirens finally grew closer. Neil breathed a sigh of relief and got up from the floor.

"I'm going to get my colleagues and the firefighters to move this shelf off your son," Neil said to the parents. He was glad he could step out of the situation for a minute and get some fresh air.
They simply nodded.

As soon as he stepped outside, the fresh night air hit him. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs before slowly letting it out again. Then, he rushed to the nearest ambulance.
Halfway there, he already heard Claire's calling out to him.
"Melendez!" His eyes found hers, and he saw the worry in them. At least this time, he knew he was not injured and wouldn't collapse on her later.

They met each other halfway and Claire immediately started asking questions.
"Hey, were you hit? Are you hurt?"
Her hands went to his face, while her eyes scanned him carefully for any signs of injuries.
"No, we got out before the building collapsed. There's a little boy, Erik, his legs are trapped beneath a bookshelf." Neil filled her in, getting straight to the point. "I'm worried he'll bleed internally once we lift it off."

He saw relief in her eyes that he was fine, her hands slowly letting go of his face, brushing down his arms before they came to rest at her own side again.

"Okay. Any other injuries?"
"Not as far as I can tell. Maybe a broken femur, but it's hard to tell. We'll need to monitor him closely on the way to the hospital and do a CT and X-ray there."

"Alright, I'll grab the necessary equipment."
"I'll find some firefighters to lift the shelf. It's the building over there," Neil pointed to where he had just walked out, door still open. "Apartment on the first floor, can't miss it."

Claire nodded, and took off towards an ambulance.
Neil found a pair of firefighters that promptly collected their equipment, too, and followed him back into the apartment.

When he walked through the door, the air in the room had shifted notably.
The parents were looking at Claire for a moment and their faces had softened considerably.

While Erik was still trapped, it was obvious he was less scared than before. Claire had kneeled next to him. "You're doing great, Erik. You're a tough kid, aren't you?" Neil couldn't see her face, but he heard the smile in her voice. And he saw Erik's face. The boy nodded, smiling at Claire's words."Some of the adults out there are far more scarred," Claire whisper-shouted. A small laugh escaped the boy, as well as the parents.

Claire had always been good with children. And with scared patients.
He wasn't surprised that she'd managed to take control of the situation within the few minutes he hadn't been there. He was simply amazed.

It took them some time, but steadily they lifted the shelf off Erik. He seemed, the first exam didn't reveal any more injuries than Neil had expected.
His right leg was definitely broken, but it wasn't life threatening. Erik would have some bruises, however most likely no extensive internal bleeding.

They carefully placed him on a stretcher and the EMTs carried him out.
They would do a CT as well as an X-ray of the broken leg at the hospital. Neil trusted his colleagues to take good care of him.
Hopefully they wouldn't need to operate and with a cast, the boy could go home with his parents.

"Thank you both," the parents said, then got in the ambulance.

Neil and Claire swung the doors of the ambulance shut, then looked at each other. Neil could see she was as relieved, as he was himself, that the boy would be healthy.
"You're pretty amazing, you know that? Calming them down so quickly."
Claire pushed a hair that had fallen in her face back behind her ear.
"So I've been told. But it's good you now see it, too."

Neil grinned at her verbal jab, then looked at the chaos around them. "Let's get back to work."
Claire nodded and walked off, probably already knowing exactly where she would be most useful next.

Neil went to the other side of the street to talk to Glassman. He should be able to tell him where he should go. He was mid-sentence, when the aftershock hit.

Neil scanned the area for Claire — she stood across the street in front of a restaurant.

People were holding onto whatever they could.
Neil hoped that nobody else would get hurt.
Unlike before, everyone was scattered around and not in places that were safe. He hated the thought that everything he did could've been for nothing if someone got injured now.

Thankfully, the aftershock didn't last long.
He was relieved when the ground stopped shaking and people continued to help to the best of their abilities.

"Claire!" He looked across the street at her.
"You okay?" She turned around to him and their eyes met. Relieved, he took a deep breath; Claire appeared to be fine.

Then, a blast hit him, square in his chest.
He was knocked down by the wave and landed on his backside.
Pain from the clash shot up from his glutes and through his back.
The next thing he noticed was a sudden heat.
Still a little disoriented, he sat up and looked around.

His eyes fell on the restaurant across the street.
The windows had burst, flames were visible.
He had just realized what was happening when he heard the firefighters screaming to each other.
He realized his hearing was impaired; everything sounded like he was under water. But he could make out some words and phrases.

"Possible gas leak!"
"Explosion!"
"Get this under control!"

The bits and pieces he picked up were enough.
Only one thought took root in his brain.

Claire.

He stumbled to his feet, as fast as he was able to.
She had been there, right in front of the window when the aftershock hit.
His mind was racing, heart hammering loudly in his chest.
Neil crossed the street through the chaos rioting all around him. He had to sidestep firefighters who were running back and forth, trying not to stumble over anything the blast had scattered around.
He reached the spot where he had last seen her, but Claire wasn't there.

A cold chill ran down his body as his worst fears became a likely reality.
He hadn't really let himself consider the possibility that Claire could get hurt. She had always been unharmed. At the hospital during the earthquake, which had been stable.
And outside with him when the aftershock hit.

But he had changed that — when he evacuated the building, they were further down the street now, away from the brewery. And he had no idea what had happened there. Which meant he couldn't protect her from the explosion. Because he hadn't known about it; until now.

He looked around and finally he saw her. She was on her side, just a few feet from where he'd last seen her standing.

"Claire!" he screamed her name, his voice desperate and full of all the fear still rising in him. It got stronger the longer he looked at her, with each step he took towards her that brought him closer.
Her name on his lips was a prayer — that this didn't end with him surviving; but losing Claire. To whom he was praying he wasn't sure. Just to whatever higher power might listen — God, fate, destiny, karma — he didn't care.

He knelt down next to her — in the middle of all the remains, that once were a part of something, but were meaningless now, — and slowly turned her body around so he could look at her face.
What he saw horrified him.

Blood all over her clothes, soaked red. The sleeve on her right arm was torn, revealing a laceration on her upper arm. A similar tear was revealing a wound on her rib cage.
Some shards were still stuck in her flesh — some were clear, like from the window, others green and brown, likely from bottles. They were mixed like stained-glass windows.
In several places sharp objects had brushed her, leaving behind angry, open gashes only.

A large, splintered piece of wood was stuck in her side. He assumed it had been part of a beam before the explosion had torn apart.

The amount of blood that soaked her jacket around it was enough to show him how deep it had cut into her flesh.

Through the panic clouding his mind, it took him a moment to realize that it must've punctured her spleen. His chest felt tight as the realization settled in through the denial.

He looked around and found glass shards and other debris the explosion had catapulted out of the restaurant, around them — a pot lid, some cutlery, and fragments from wine glasses and beer bottles.

He focused back on Claire. The injuries he could see were overwhelming already. The battlefield they were surrounded by was enough for him to conclude that she was bleeding internally, too.

His entire world collapsed — nothing else mattered, only Claire in front of him.
He wanted to do something. He needed to save her. His mind scrambled, trying to recall everything he knew about medicine and treating trauma. But with Claire in front of him, it was impossible to form any kind of treatment plan. Usually, he thrived under pressure. But once again Claire was the exception.

"Claire! Claire, can you hear me? Please look at me!"
His hands cupped her cheeks, softly stroking with his thumbs — careful to avoid the wounds.
"I need help over here!" he shouted, to no one... to everyone. Just into the chaos around him.

He couldn't lose her.

"Claire, please."
Weakly, Claire opened her eyes, finding his.
It took her a moment to fully focus. But he saw the recognition in her eyes as she realized what had happened.

"Claire, it's okay. We can fix this. You'll be fine. You hear me? Don't you dare leave me."
He felt a teardrop roll down his cheek.

"I'm cold, Neil." Her voice was low, barely more than a whisper. He hardly heard the words, but he did. His heart sunk in his chest.
The doctor in him knew there was nothing to do. There were too many deep wounds. She'd already lost a considerable amount of blood. They'd need stitches, many of them. And that was only what was visible without imaging. The blast had knocked him down, and Claire had been much closer.

He took her hand in his, kissing her knuckles gently, tears flowing freely.
"Let me get a blanket for you."
But Claire weakly tightened her grip on his hand — almost no strength left in her body, but pure will making her hold on.
"No, don't leave, please."

So he stayed with her, on his knees.
"I won't. I'm here and not going anywhere."
"Neil..." He saw her swallowing. She was getting weaker by the second.
Before she could say anything else, Neil felt a hand on his shoulder.

Looking up he saw Glassman there, blanket in hand.
Reluctantly Neil let go of Claire's to take it and covered her body with it.
He wasn't sure if it would help much — the blood loss was the reason she felt cold. Still he hoped it did. Even just a bit.

Focused entirely on Claire, Neil barely noticed Aaron's hand slipping from his shoulder as he walked away.

He took her hand in his again.
"I'm sorry, Claire. I'm so sorry."
She shook her head lightly.
"It's not your fault".

Of course, she didn't know.
Maybe it wasn't technically his fault. It felt like it was, though. He had managed to save everyone at the brewery, and now he was losing Claire.
She of all people, deserved better.

So many things he had never said to her ran through his mind.

How much he loved dancing with her at the prom.
That she continued to amaze him every day — as a doctor and as a person.
That he wished they'd met sooner, under different circumstances, not as boss and resident.
How inspiring her strength was.
That he was not just grateful, but also proud to work with her.

She had told him he was the best she'd ever worked with.
He'd never gotten the chance to tell her he felt the same about her."He knew that once she had finished her residency, she would've given him and Lim a run for their money.

None of it came out when he opened his mouth.
"Claire, I love you. I love you so much."
When it came down to it, that was the one thing he would've regretted not telling her.

"Even though I suck at bowling?"
A smile, small and tired but genuine, formed on her lips as she looked at him.
He nodded. "Especially because you let me win at bowling."
They both knew she didn't let him win. For some inexplicable reason, Claire Browne, brilliant at so many things, was not capable of exactly two things: bowling — and as she had confessed — cooking.

"I love you, too."
He saw the tears welling up in her eyes and caught one that had escaped with his thumb.
"I wish we had admitted this to ourselves sooner."
Claire nodded. "It's okay. We couldn't know this would happen."

Neil thought about how she was right... and also wrong.
He should've known something was gonna happen.
But at the end of the day, was that really a good enough excuse?
He pushed the thought away for now. He could drown in guilt later. In their last moments together, he had with her, he needed to be present.

He remembered his thoughts when he died — the love they never had a chance to build, the missed opportunity to explore their relationship.

"What are you thinking?" he asked her.
"That your tattoo has way too much antler."
He chuckled slightly, but the glint in her eyes disappeared and she turned serious again.
"I'm wondering if it could've worked out. If we would have made it — a family. Dogs, chickens and all. Or if it would've ended badly and I'd have lost a friend. If I'd have broken your heart."

His heart did break. For him there had never been much doubt. His parents were married 45 years. He had always been in stable relationships. Even if ultimately they had ended, he remained optimistic.
But for Claire... She had dealt with loss and heartache her whole life. Of course it was different, just natural that she had doubts.

"I think we would've made it."
She smiled at him through the tears. "Ever the romantic."
He nodded. "Would've sent you flowers every week."
A weak laugh escaped her lips.
"I knew it. You're always acting so tough and confident, but you're actually pretty lame."
He couldn't help but smile.
"Maybe. But I'd be lame with an incredible wife to make up for it."

Claire's breathing caught for a moment.
"Wife?" she asked softly.

"If you'd have let me."
She squeezed his hand, weakly. A smile returning to her lips.
She didn't say anything else, it was all the answer he needed.

He kept his eyes on hers as her lids grew heavier, slowly beginning to close.
She fought it, but it was inevitable.
Her body gave in and too soon she took her last breath — eyes closed, hand still in his. He held on to it tightly. It seemed like their story was not supposed to have a happy ending — but he wished that it did.
If not for the blood and bruises, she would have looked peaceful.

Neil waited for a few more moments, then got up from the ground. It didn't take long until she was covered with a white sheet — a stark contrast to the dirt and blook around her — and wheeled away on a stretcher.
Only then did he return to the chaos.

The firefighters were still fighting the flames in the restaurant. EMTs were busy treating patients, rushing back and forth from the ambulances to where their help was urgently needed.
Somewhere above him, a streetlight flickered.

Aaron came to him, putting a hand on his arm.
"I'm sorry, Neil. I know you two were... closer than most of us."

Neil looked at him. There was no judgement in his voice, just gentle understanding.
"Go home. I don't think you'll be much help here. Most folks are fine, the others already in the hospital. Andrews said they're handling the patient flow well. I'll go back and help. We'll be fine."

Neil didn't say anything, just nodded — walked away.
He found his car and drove home on autopilot.
His head was spinning.
Why Claire?
Of everyone there, why did it have to be her standing right in front of that window.

At 12:13 a.m. he walked into his apartment, poured himself a whiskey and quickly drowned it. Still lost in thought, he went upstairs, changed out of his suit and got into bed.
He probably could've used a shower, but he simply didn't care.

Tears were falling. Whether he was crying again or had never stopped, he couldn't tell.
His thoughts spiraling so fast it was impossible for him to grasp any of them.

Guilt mixed with shock.
The regret, already familiar to him.

He didn't want to sleep, afraid of what he'd find there.Or what would find him, which dreams would haunt him, before he would wake up.
It was all too much.
But, many hours later, exhaustion took over and he fell into a restless sleep.

Notes:

I'll actually not ask for comments, I can't imagine them being kind. More like angry, pitchforks ready to hunt me down. Soooo... *runs and hides*
Hope to still see you next week.

Chapter 4: Gummibears

Notes:

Happy Friday!
I am at a camp this week but I did my best to do the final edit to this chapter in the few breaks I could find a few minutes (read: whenever I wasn't in program, organizing or sleeping) 🤣
But I really wanted to post this week, given how chapter 3 ended.

Hope you like this one — you will encounter a familiar face which, in my option, would have deserved more screentime. I think y'all will enjoy that bit.

Hope you enjoy!

The alarm woke him.
And everything in him felt heavy.

His bones, his muscles, his head.
Especially his head. He thought he could feel every single brain cell.

He punched out the alarm, eyes still closed, not ready to face the day.
Memories of the night before were still playing in his mind, like a movie on repeat.

Claire, on the ground before him, cold and bleeding. Her eyes looking up at him. Still joking. Until her time ran out, like an hourglass. Her eyes closing, and the grip of her hand in his getting weaker until it was limp.

 

His heart broke again. It had shattered into a million little pieces, as if it were made of glass.

The guilt crushed him even more. Not just his heart — but him. It enveloped him like a blanket made of metal.
His chest was too tight, pain taking up all the space. His stomach felt like someone had cut him open and placed stones in it.

Maybe he couldn't have known this was going to happen. But it didn't matter.
Survivor's guilt, he thought. Ironic, given he had died every other time he could remember. For a moment, he wondered if Claire had felt the same way when he was on his deathbed. Maybe she wished that she had pushed him harder, to go to the hospital right away, dragged him — kicking and screaming, if needed.

Blindly, he reached for his phone.
Most likely, Lim already knew what had happened. Aaron had told him he'd go back to the hospital. He must've told everyone about the events at the brewery and the tragedy it had reached. How they had lost one of their own.

But at the very least, he wanted to call her himself. Get an update on the situation. He was free today, and probably nobody expected him to come in, even with the earthquake crisis spiking the number of patients they had.

He unlocked the screen and opened the phone app.

Then he froze.

He looked at the phone again. His gaze was fixed on the lock screen.

5th June. 6:02 a.m.
Friday.

Friday.

Friday.
As in... the day of the earthquake?!

He got out of bed and rushed to the living room, turned on the TV, and found a news channel.
"It's Friday, 5th June. My name —"
He switched to another one. The news itself was not the least bit important to him.

"... Will meet today. If no compromise can be agreed on until end of day, tomorrow, Saturday —"
Switch.

"...after the disastrous results of the last game, the team parted ways with their head coach on Monday. Sources claim that a candidate was interviewed on Wednesday and could be signed today, Friday, or tomorrow. One name that keeps coming up is Ted Las-"

Confused, he turned the TV off.

He hadn't died, and yet, here he was again — Friday morning.

Quickly, he reached for his phone and hit number 3 on his speed dial.
His mind and body were tense.

Not just from the night and the day before. But also from trying not to get his hopes up.
He couldn't handle it if he lost her again. Merely hours after the first time he had to say goodbye to her. So, he told himself that this was probably not how it worked. That chances were, she was still gone.

It rang twice before the rhythmic sound was interrupted by a sleepy, if slightly annoyed, voice.
"What the hell do you need at 6 am, when you know damn well I am on the late shift?"

Cranky was an understatement. And usually he'd have teased her about it.

Not that he wanted to be ripped from sleep before dawn when he was on the late shift either.
In that moment... he couldn't bring himself to make a joke.

"Claire..." The rest of the words got stuck in his throat. Only a quiet sob escaped him as a tear rolled down his cheek. Relief flooded his body with warmth, the blanket that just crushed him lifted from his shoulders.

He had thought he had lost her forever. Had been sure he wouldn't get any more chances. But there she was — on the phone with him.

"Neil?" she had picked up on his tone, and now sounded worried. All bite was gone from her voice. "Are you okay?"

Neil almost laughed — the irony was unbelievable.
"I... was gonna ask you that."
There was silence on the other side of the line for a moment.

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
He wasn't sure how to explain it to her. Especially over the phone.
"No reason. I just... had this weird dream and woke up with an uneasy feeling. I wanted to make sure you're okay. I'm sorry for waking you."

He wasn't all that sorry, if he was honest. After all, he had thought Claire was dead when he woke up.

"It's okay." Her voice was soft now, understanding. Maybe she did understand better than most people. Claire had her fair share of nightmares, she had told him as much. Life had also thrown more curveballs at her than anyone, especially as kind-hearted and caring as her, deserved. "Do you want to talk about it?"

God, yes, he thought. But he wasn't sure how. Not yet.
"Maybe later. I will find you in the lounge before I leave the hospital. Get some sleep."

"Okay, I'll see you later."

"I'll see you then." There was a small pause as he took a deep breath. "And Claire...?"

It took a moment before she said anything. He assumed she had nearly hung up.
"Yeah?"

"I'm really glad you're okay."

He could tell she was a bit lost for words when she didn't say anything right away.
"I..." was all she stammered.

"I'll see you at the hospital."
He said and hung up, a heavy sigh leaving his lips, a breath he hadn't been aware he was holding.

Claire was okay. She was at home, in her bed.
His mind and emotions were all over the place. Of course, he was happy and relieved — but also worried.

He had to protect her. He couldn't lose her again.

Only, he was not sure how to do that. It seemed whatever he did was not good enough.

Granted, he had "only" lived this day 5 times. Which was not that much, considering the endless possibilities. But he could feel the fatigue setting in, wearing him thin — physically, mentally, and emotionally. It wasn't like this was a video game. It was his life. And he wasn't sure what to do, how to break out of the circle.

Or if that was even possible.

So, he packed a bag and headed to the gym. He changed up his workout routine; tired of what he had done before.
Then headed to the hospital and added vanilla to his usually black coffee, just to do something different. Maybe it was an illusion. But even just the illusion of control helped. He felt so helpless, lacking any control over his life at the moment whatsoever. Therefore, he changed what he could.
He was surprised to find that vanilla in coffee tasted amazing. Right away, he caught himself wanting to tell Claire about it. Which, in turn, didn't surprise him the least...

She was always on his mind. More now. Watching her die in the earthquake changed things. Of course it had. You can't lose someone you love and not reconsider everything. Dying himself and saying goodbye to her was hard enough. But watching the light leave her eyes as her body succumbed to the injuries had affected him differently.

When he had tossed and turned in his bed the night before, he'd had too much time to think about everything.
All he hadn't gotten a chance to say.
All the things they wouldn't have.
All the moments they had shared.

Memories had come up.
How they'd first met. She'd been a young, motivated resident. As green as all the others he'd taught before. But there had been something different about her. It hadn't taken long to find out it was her compassion.

When Claire had convinced him to replace a whole Femur. At the time, he'd called her brilliant. For the idea as much as the flattery she'd used to convince him.

The time she'd told him, finding someone you can't live without is hard.
It'd taken him too long to realize that she had become someone he couldn't live without. Not anymore.

He'd remembered her friend Kayla and how Claire had been so grateful to him. Even during the rough patch, they'd worked so well together. The moment in the OR when Claire had known exactly what he had needed before he'd had a chance to say it... Sometimes he thought it was symbolic of their relationship. The connection they had always shared, long before they were friends, or whatever they ended up being. They'd found each other's eyes more often than he had any of the others on his team.

Her first solo surgery. He'd been so proud of her. Fighting for her to be able to do it had been the right call.

Her breakdown.
The runs.
Their dance.
The night she'd found him in the bar and had held up a mirror for him. He thought that at that specific time she'd known him better than he'd known himself. She'd been right. He hadn't handled the situation particularly well and not how he'd wanted to at all.

Bowling.
He still wasn't sure at what point he'd stopped thinking of her as a platonic friend and started seeing her as someone he wanted by his side. It had snuck up on him. The realization had hit him like a hammer, way too late. He had already been in love with her.

He rushed through the day, trying to keep his mind occupied. Which was not as simple, given he had seen all the patients before and could diagnose them in his sleep.

He headed to his office much earlier than usual. He had seen Shaun running around alone and assumed Claire would already be researching.
He was right.

His heart skipped a beat, maybe two, and he stopped in his tracks. She was alone in the lounge, sitting in the armchair, like all the other times. Fewer papers were scattered around her, but she was just as focused.
He opened the door; no need to stop by his office first.

Claire looked up as he walked in, finding his eyes as instinctively as he found hers.
Walking over to her, he smiled at her, still unable to believe she was there. That she was okay.
He wouldn't have trusted his eyes, had he not woken up the same day after dying himself before.

"Hey, how are you doing? You sounded extremely stressed this morning."

He chuckled, unsure why, and sat on the table, across from her.
"You have no idea..." Without thinking, his hand reached out to take hers, which was resting on the armrest. "But, I'm okay. Now I am," he said, squeezing her hand firmly. Not too tight, just enough to assure himself she was real.

Claire's eyes wandered to where he kept holding her hand, not ready to let go yet. She seemed surprised, but not uncomfortable by the gesture. Still, her eyes flickered up, past him to the hallway. To her, it must've seemed reckless.

"Claire... I... Can we talk for a moment?" His voice sounded more insecure than intended. He wasn't sure how she'd react. It was Claire, so chances were she would try to understand him. But it was just as possible that her head would explode and she'd simply call him crazy.

Clearly, she wasn't sure what to expect, a confused expression on her face. But she nodded. "Okay. Talk to me." She put the article next to him on the table and turned her attention to him.

"This is... gonna sound a bit strange. At the very least." He figured a fair warning was appropriate. A cautious interest won over the mixed emotions he'd been reading on her face.

"Okay..."

"Honestly, I don't know how to say it. I've been... I have lived this Friday before." Even to his ears, that sounded wrong.
The eyebrows on Claire's face drew close together, her eyes scanning his face. Maybe for any signs that he was kidding — or that he'd gone insane.
"What?" She asked.
He didn't blame her.

"I keep waking up on the same day. Friday, 5th June 2020. Multiple times."

"Neil..." There was uncertainty in her voice. She shook her head. Maybe she didn't believe him. Or she needed some time to wrap her head around it. He had, when it had dawned on him what was happening.

"I know, it sounds crazy. But I promise you, I am of sound mind. I wake up, I go to the gym, and then come to work. Same cases, every time. I grab my things from the office, and you're here doing your research while waiting for the test results. So I stop by, ask if you wanna have lunch with me tomorrow, to which you agree. I go to the brewery, meet Aaron and Lea, the earthquake hits a—"

"Wow-wow-wow. Slow down." Disbelief gave way to overwhelmed. She wanted to believe him, which was a good thing.
"Okay, so you wake up and it's the same day. And the same things keep happening. Same patients, same diagnosis?" She was calm, but tried to make sense of the information he had just rattled off.

"Yes, correct."

"Okay. Then you're going to your office before leaving."
"Yeah. It was a bit later all the other times. But you're still here, lost in research. Usually, I sneak in from behind through the other door."

"Well, first of all, you shouldn't sneak up on people. I could have a heart attack.
He grinned at that. "Yeah, you... You did say that."
"And the conversation is always the same?"

"Only slightly different. But we always make plans for lunch tomorrow, since we're both free. I asked about Dash once. You told me that you're not seeing him anymore." He hoped it would help her believe him. That he knew something she hadn't technically told him before.

She stopped for a minute.
"I didn't tell you that. I know I didn't. Because I know wh..." She stopped mid-sentence. Her facial expression slipped. She thought she'd said too much. But that was a conversation for another time.

"You did, Claire. I asked if you were free or if you had plans with Dash, and you said that you weren't seeing each other anymore. I believe your exact words were 'It wasn't right.'" He shrugged. "It didn't seem like you wanted to talk about it."

Claire appeared lost in thought but nodded lightly.
He assumed the reason that she just mentioned, why she didn't tell him, had to do with her feelings for him. This thing between them that was bubbling just beneath the surface. Telling him she was no longer with Dash opened a door. One that might be difficult to close. He just wasn't sure it should stay closed anymore.

"You go to the brewery and... there's an earthquake?"
He nodded. The memories came back, once more. Still painful, but different now that he was talking about it.

"Yes... The whole building collapsed."
Shock was probably an understatement for her reaction — agape, her eyes running over him like trying to scan him for injuries.

He wondered if very deep down she remembered. Not consciously, not even subconsciously. But in her bones. If her body and soul on a monocular level knew what had happened, like it was encoded into their DNA now.

"What happened?" she finally asked.
"I thought I was fine. So I didn't listen when you told me I needed a full evaluation. We operated on Marta, the hostess, to keep her from ending up paralyzed."
"Hold on! We operated there? In the chaos."
"We did. Successfully so. But... after the aftershock hit, I passed out."

Claire looked at him, listening, well aware it wasn't getting easier.
Neil's throat tightened as he remembered the rest of the day.

"Turned out, I was bleeding internally. You and Lim operated, but... too late. There was too much damage to the ischemic bowel..." He took a deep breath. "Claire... we said our goodbyes."

"You died?" Her voice was quiet. Like she didn't actually want to know the answer. The idea alone already too hurtful.

"Yeah." He nodded.
There was a heavy silence between them before Neil broke it.
"Except, somehow, I woke up again. The same morning."

"How many times?"
"How many times I woke up aft—"
"How many times did I watch you die?"
He swallowed. Hard. Revealing that information to Claire was hard.

"Three... That I remember. Once I died on the spot, I think. I evacuated the brewery but didn't make it out myself. And..." He hated the images from the night before flooding his mind, crushing his soul like an avalanche.

Claire met his eyes.
"And what?" There was an uncertainty in her voice. The look on his face, the shadow over his eyes must've told her enough.

"... I didn't die the last time. But..." His hands were kneading each other, trying to take his mind off the words he was saying. The tension in his body had spread down to his toes and into his fingertips.
It was useless; the stiffness didn't go away, and everything in him wanted to fight the words forming on his lips.

"...there was an explosion. The aftershock must've caused it. You were hit. We..." He closed his eyes for a moment.
"There was so much blood. Shards of glass all over you... I'm so sorry, Claire..."

"I died?"
Neil nodded. "I couldn't do anything. Just hold your hand."

He wasn't sure what he expected how she'd react. But it wasn't that.
She scooted forward in her chair and wrapped him in her arms.
Instinctively, his arms found their way around her, too, his hands gripping the coat at her back.
His fingers bored into the fabric like he was hanging from a cliff, his knuckles turning as white as the piece of clothing.

All he wanted was to hold on to her, let her ground him back to earth and a normal reality. Even though he wasn't sure if he'd ever wake up in a normal reality again.
He closed his eyes and buried his face in her neck, inhaling her scent, an escape from all the chaos he had experienced.

For a while, they were just holding each other, no words needed. Just Claire comforting him as much as she probably found comfort in him. Making sure they were both still here, still alive.
Even though Claire couldn't remember anything, what he had told her had visibly shaken her.

Of course it had. He knew she felt the same way about him as he did about her. Maybe if he got out of the loop he was trapped in, he would finally get to tell her without either of them being on their deathbed.

"That's why you called this morning." It was barely more than a whisper.
The only response he could manage was a nod. But he knew she could feel it against her skin. She held him a little more tightly, if that was even possible.

With another deep breath, he released her, although he didn't move too far away, wanting to stay close to her.
"Thank you, Claire."

She seemed a bit confused. "What for?" she asked, eyebrows drawn together.

"For believing me. It must sound strange. It feels strange. I almost doubted my sanity."

"I figured something was wrong when you called me this morning. You sounded agitated. Lost."

"I've been trying to make sense of all this. It just doesn't. I don't understand why I keep coming back. Especially—"

"When you didn't even die?"

He just nodded.

"Neil, I wish I could help you. But I don't know how."

"I know... I just needed to tell someone."

"Hey, if anyone understands needing a friend, it's me."
She gave him a tight-lipped smile, no doubt thinking about the dark times she had been through.

He wondered how she could not see that she was so much more to him than a friend. How much it had pained him when he thought he had lost her And how much this second chance meant to him.
But he knew how she felt about him, so it didn't sting as much that she used, well, the f word.

Claire hugged him briefly again before sitting back.
"What if you don't go to the brewery? That is the place where everything seems to go wrong. Just... don't go."
"You think so? All those people — they will get hurt. What if I don't get the chance to fix that?"

"I don't know. But I see what it has done to you. Being there over and over again. I get that you want to save everyone, but... what if it is not even possible? Neil, how often will you go back and let it break you?"

"I have no idea... Maybe you're right... I just don't know if I could ever forgive myself if I wasn't there to help."

"Why don't you go see Gabby?"
"You think I should visit Gabby instead of going to the brewery?"

"Yes. Go, see her. You can come back to the hospital and help here."

"You really think so?"

He thought about how he'd prefer not to leave her side.
Claire must've read his mind. "I promise I'll be careful. I will do what I can at the brewery to make sure everyone will be fine."

He let out a heavy breath. "Maybe you have a point."
He wasn't sure he had the courage to go back. The last time had been hard.

Claire was right. He wanted to see Gabby; he had worried about her.
She wouldn't really understand, but she'd be happy to see him. She always was, and maybe he had at least as much responsibility as a brother as he did as a doctor.

"I thought you'd have learned that by now."

A quiet laugh escaped him — he had.

"Go."
He reached for her hands and squeezed them briefly.
"Thank you for listening. I'll see you later."
"Promise." She smiled at him, trying to look optimistic.
He beamed back at her, really not wanting to leave her, but knowing he needed to see Gabby.

Whenever his thoughts hadn't circled around Claire, he had felt guilty that he hadn't gone to see her. His sense of duty had kept him at the hospital and the brewery.

He stopped by his office to grab his jacket. On his way out, he opened the door to the lounge once more, sticking his head in.
"And Claire?"
"Yeah?" She looked up at him.

"Lunch tomorrow? If tomorrow is actually Saturday?"
Even if they'd see each other later, the chaos of the earthquake would keep them busy.
"I'd love to," her expression brightened.
He gave her a small laugh and left.

---

Gabby's home was just outside the city. The drive had been smooth, not much traffic. Within 30 minutes, he arrived. The way back to the hospital would likely take him longer if he hit rush hour.

He made his way inside and filled out the visitors' log. One of the caretakers told him that Gabby was in the main room with a new puzzle.

He walked into the room, and a smile formed on his lips when he saw her.
"Hey, Gabby," he greeted her with a kiss on the crown of her head.

"Neil!" Excitement was an understatement. She was always happy to see her brother. Neil often regretted that the shifts at the hospital didn't allow him to see his sister more often.

"I heard you got a new puzzle?" Gabby grinned, nodding her head vigorously.
"Mom and Dad got it for me."
Neil remembered that he had talked to his mom a few days before the earthquake. She had told him that they had visited Gabby earlier that day.

"And what is it?" he asked, turning his head to glance at the puzzle. The pieces were slightly smaller than what she usually had. For most people, it would've been considered easy. For his sister, it was just the right amount of challenging. She had already put a lot of it together.

"It's gummy bears." The genuine happiness his sister felt for these little things never failed to amaze him.
He knew she loved gummy bears and made a mental note to bring her a small bag to share next time he visited her.

He pulled up an empty chair and sat down next to her. Then he took a closer look at the two bears in the puzzle. One was in purple, with an orange heart in the middle. The eyelashes gave it a female touch.
The other one was orange, with a purple heart.

Like they were meant for each other. Kinda like Yin and yang.
They were at a beach, side by side, grinning.

It was a happy image, but in the moment, it just remind him of Claire.
He wondered if she'd be ok. It was impossible for him not to worry about her.

Gabby seemed to notice the change in his mood.
"Are you okay? You seem sad, Neil." She eyed him up, likely trying to read him.
He looked back at her.

Sometimes it surprised him how perceptive of his feelings she was. Especially when he was not in a good mood.
"I was just thinking of a friend."
"Why does that make you sad?" His sister was always curious. Not in a nosy way. Just in a way that let him know she cared about him.

"I'm not sad. Just a little worried if she's gonna be okay." He tried to explain it as simple as he could.
"Is she sick?"
"No, right now she's not."
Gabby didn't seem to understand. How could she? The reality he was living in was very different from what was considered normal. Especially for Gabby, who often lived in her own world.

"Then why are you worried about her?"
"I had a bad dream." It was the best he could think of. The easiest way to explain his chaos to his sister. A part of him felt like he should have been with Claire. But she had also been right. He needed this time away. And he also had to make sure Gabby was okay.

"I think I see an ear, over there."
Neil pointed to a piece of the puzzle on the table.
She picked up the piece and offered it to him.
Neil took it, easily putting it in the right spot.

"How are you doing, mija? Is everything okay?"
Gabby thought about it for a moment before a smile appeared on her face.
"We had a party here yesterday," she told him, her eyes sparkling.
"Did you?" He asked, curiously.
"In our PJs! We watched a movie together and ate popcorn."

Neil couldn't help but grin.
It often amazed him how easy it was to make his sister happy. A good movie with her friends at the home, a new puzzle... She was one of the most genuine people he knew. He could learn something from her.
Somewhat involuntarily, a thought crossed his mind.
They'd get along very well. Gabby and Claire.
Maybe one day, he'd get the chance to introduce them.
For now, he tucked the thought away for later. He just wanted to enjoy his time with Gabby.

They continued to work on the puzzle for a bit, letting each other put pieces down.
Neil asked her a few more questions about what they had recently done in the home, and Gabby told him about her favorite activities. Bingo night had apparently been a big hit.

Finally, it was time for him to leave, if he wanted to get back to the hospital before the earthquake.

He got up from his chair, placing a soft kiss on Gabby's head again.
"Neil, what is your friend's name? The friend you worry about?"
He hadn't thought that Gabby had given this any more thought, that the conversation held that much weight for her. Obviously, he had been wrong.
"Claire," it came out a lot softer than he intended. But he was used to that by now. When it came to Claire, he couldn't seem to help himself.

"That's a nice name. Is she your special friend?"
Neil was confused. "My special friend?"
Gabby looked up at him from the puzzle.
"Like Jessica was."

That took him by surprise. Gabby and Jessica had met, but she had only accompanied him once or twice.
She said she didn't want to interfere with their time together, but he was aware that they didn't have much in common to talk about. He hadn't held it against her, though.
When he told Gabby Jessica was no longer a part of his life, his sister had mostly shrugged her shoulders. She didn't really understand the concept of the breakup.

"No, she's... It's a little complicated."
Gabby studied him for a moment, her head slightly tilted.

"Would you like her to be?"
A smile tugged on the corner of his lips.
"Actually, yes. I do."
Gabby turned back to her puzzle, with only a few pieces left to place now.

He was about to leave when she spoke up again.
"I think you should tell her."

He thought of all the things that had happened to him. All the things they had said to each other when it was too late.
Suddenly, he couldn't remember why waiting for the "right time" was so damn important.

Especially now.

What if he were stuck in this loop forever?
Or one day the world would keep spinning, and one of them would actually be gone. Forever.
If all this stopped, he'd just have missed his chance.
If he woke up the same day again, he would tell her again. He had nothing to lose.

He glanced at Gabby again, who had just placed the last piece, completing the puzzle. The image complete before him, much like the one in his head now.
Pride rose in his chest, looking at her. He was incredibly grateful to have his sister.

"Maybe you're right..." he murmured, mostly to himself. "I'll see you soon, kid."
"See you soon," she beamed at him.

Neil left the building, saying goodnight to the caretakers on his way, and got in his car.
His mind racing, once more, this time with different thoughts. In a way, he had gotten used to the noise in his head over the past few days.
He was constantly thinking about the situation he was in, trying to make sense of it. Claire was always on his mind, of course. So were all the people at the brewery. He had worried about Gabby and his other colleagues.
He felt like he hadn't slept in days, just gotten more restless every time he woke up.

For a moment, he just sat in his car.

He knew how he felt about her and how she felt about him.
Maybe it was time to do something about it.
Being cautious had done them no good. They kept losing each other.

What the hell had he even been waiting for?
For her to finish her residency? Sure, that was something that played through his mind. But chances were, he'd find other ways to push it off once she did. Chicken out again and again.

They had told each other how they felt. Even if it was when one of them was dying. That only meant there was no reason to lie. Nothing to be afraid of, no consequences to consider - professionally or personally. No judgment from others, nothing to figure out.

Perhaps it was time he told Claire how he felt about her before it was too late.
Everything else they would figure out.

He started the car to head back to St. Bonaventure. Back to Claire. If the traffic wasn't too bad, he would be back with a little time to spare before the earthquake.

He was only halfway there, stopped at a red light, when he heard the rumbling, by now familiar.
He checked the time.
He should have at least a few more minutes.

Something was different — it was way too early.

His thoughts drifted back to all the other times. The destruction he had seen.

He was frozen in his car, looking outside.
The streets were relatively empty. Not many people were outside. After a few minutes, the shaking stopped and everything went quiet.

He looked around. It seemed this part of town was not affected nearly as badly as the brewery. For a moment, he considered getting out and helping. But he changed his mind quickly. He'd be of more help in the hospital.

So he shifted into drive and continued toward St. Bonaventure.

It took him a little longer than he'd liked, but he was almost there when his phone rang.
He quickly glanced at it — Audrey.
He picked up and put it on speaker.

"Audrey?"
"Neil, are you at the brewery already?"
"No, I'm just on my way back from seeing Gabby. I'm headed to the hospital."

"I'm assembling a HURT team to head out."
"Have you talked to Aaron yet?"
"No, he's not answering his phone."

The blood in his veins froze.
While he had intended to help at the hospital, he was now convinced he needed to be at the brewery instead. If Aaron was hurt, he'd never forgive himself if he wasn't there to at least try and help.

"I'm almost at the hospital. When are you heading out?"
"As soon as possible. I will brief the team now, get Browne, Murphy, and Park, and then head out. 10 minutes tops."
"I'm almost there. I'll meet you downstairs and come with you."
The thought that being there would also allow him to keep an eye on Claire and hopefully protect her crossed his mind.
He had to do better than last time.

"Alright, I'll see you soon. Drive safe."
Neil disconnected the line quickly, keeping his focus on the road.

He made it to the hospital within 5 minutes, quickly parked his car somewhere — making sure the ambulances could still pass — and jogged to the ER.
He tried to call Aaron on his way, but he still didn't answer.

In many ways, the buzz and chaos were familiar. He'd seen more than one night in which they had to handle an overflow. This felt different.

A nurse handed him a fresh set of scrubs along with a jacket. Lim must have informed them to expect him.
He didn't have time to go to a locker room to change, so he found a nearby supply closet to change.
Less than a minute later, he had changed into his work attire and rushed out of the room. Barely out the door, he bumped into Claire, avoiding a collision by inches.

She looked surprised to see him, but he also saw relief in her eyes. Both arms were carrying equipment they'd need on site. Her gaze landed on the jacket in his hands.
"You're heading out?"
"Glassman is not answering his phone. I... I need to be there."

For a moment, he thought she would to argue. They had discussed something else earlier, but the circumstances had changed.
"Claire, something is different than all the other times. I don't know why, but... It's different."

Understanding washed over her face, and she gave him a short nod. "Okay."

Together, they made their way down the hall, through the ER, and into one of the waiting ambulances.
Park followed soon after, Murphy and Lim just behind him.
"Alright, let's go," Audrey shouted over to the driver.

Neil's gaze kept drifting to Claire. She was focused, in work mode. He could see her running through the protocols in her head, repeating every piece of knowledge she had that could possibly be important once they arrived at the brewery.
She was bracing herself. Her eyes found his a few times. As focused as she was, he could tell she was also still worried about him — just as much as he worried about her.

"You still haven't been able to reach Glassman?" He asked Audrey, who sat next to Park and Claire across from him.
"No, it keeps ringing until voicemail answers."
"Yeah, me too."

The rest of the way, Audrey was giving instructions to the residents on what to focus on once they all arrived at the brewery.
Neil was listening, but only half-heartedly. It was not his first rodeo; he knew what to do. He still intended to listen, but his mind kept circling to the damage he had seen at the brewery before. And now Glassman wasn't answering his phone...

He checked on Claire. She was tense. These things never got easier. A lot of people were hurt, outside of the hospital, where they could only do so much. Often it was, at least, enough to get people to the hospital in the first place. Without the HURT teams, a lot of them wouldn't even make it to a hospital alive. Being there gave them a fighting chance.

Still, the conditions were less than ideal — it was dark and dirty. The chaos made keeping a clear head a challenge. Only with experience had he learned to navigate it efficiently. So would Claire and Park.

It would likely take Murphy more time. Still, he thought Audrey made the right call bringing him. He needed to learn, too. Plus, he had been the one to point out that Marta could end up being paralyzed. Even while his first objective had been to find Lea. Shaun still surprised him. Sometimes even positively.
A wave of gratefulness washed over him, and his face softened.
Sure, they sometimes annoyed him — a lot— but this class of residents was pretty amazing.

They were almost there, so Lim handed everyone a red helmet and instructed them to turn on the lights attached.

Finally, the ambulance slowed down and came to a stop.

Lim was first out the door. She really was that adrenaline junkie he once accused her of being. But she was also one of the best.

Neil was last out of the door, just after Claire.
His feet were barely on the ground when he heard a familiar voice.
"Shaun!" It was Aaron.
'Thank God.'
Neil stopped in his tracks, looking over at him.

Glasman seemed fine, Audrey stood next to him, and Shaun, too. They were both listening to what Aaron had to say. Neil's best guess was that he told them Lea had been there. Although Neil didn't know if she was hurt.

He went over to the small group. Aaron stopped talking for a brief moment and just glanced at Shaun, who seemed rattled. It was as much confirmation as Neil needed that Lea was there.
"Aaron, thank god you're okay."

"Sorry, Lim told me, she tried to reach me. I lost my phone somewhere inside."

Shaun took off while Aaron was still explaining himself. Neil gaze followed him.

"Lea was here, but I haven't seen her anymore."

Neil gave a short nod, understanding. He had never actually learned if Shaun had found Lea. And if she was still alive.

"Where do you need me?" Aaron asked Lim.
"Back at the hospital, we're short on surgeons," Lim instructed him.
Aaron agrees made his way over to the vehicles, likely to catch the first ambulance back to the hospital.

Lim turned to him and Claire, who was still beside him, but she was called away before she had the chance to say anything.
"Get to work," she said instead and left towards the voice that had called her.

Neil took a deep breath and then started walking towards the brewery.
Claire stayed by his side, which didn't surprise him at all.

"You okay?" she asked him. This time, referencing his mental state.
"It's weird, being back here. I just hope we can help everyone. And wondering — if we don't — whether I'll just wake up and get the chance to try again."

She didn't say anything else, but her hand brushed his as they kept walking.

He figured it was not so much accidental as it was a gesture. She was there for him.

As soon as he set foot inside the building, he noticed two things: the building had collapsed, just like before, only it seemed to be worse.
However, there were fewer people. The earthquake hit earlier, so not all guests must have arrived yet.

He scanned the scene, trying to work out where it was best to start. Where the people with the worst injuries would likely be. Who needed his help the most?

Walking a bit further into the room, with Claire right behind him — likely too stunned to say anything — his eyes fell on a beam that had fallen. Firefighters were already working to lift it.
He remembered that specific beam.
Marta had been stuck under it before.

It seemed she was again.

Noreen was standing on the other side of it.

Neil turned around to Claire.
"It looks like we have to operate. Stay with me."

Claire nodded and followed him to Noreen.
As expected, Marta was lying on the ground — stuck underneath the beam.

"Marta!" Neil knelt next to her.

"Dr. Melendez! Nice of you to show up!" she was grinning at him, as much as she was able.

At least she was still joking. It had always impressed him that she never lost that part. Even through the worst of her cancer, she had remained optimistic and chipper.

"Where does it hurt?" he asked her, although he had a good idea.
"My neck and back mostly."

"Okay. Your right arm?" he questioned her.
"A little, yes."

He got up to his feet.
The firefighters had already lifted the beam, so it was no longer pushing her down.

"Marta, I think there is a chance you might end up paralyzed if we move you. If I touch your neck, does it hurt in your right arm?"

He barely touched her neck, careful not to move her neck or her head.
Marta winced in pain.

"Claire, can you get the battery-powered x-ray?"
"Sure," she dipped her chin once and left to get it from the ambulance.

Neil turned to Marta and Noreen.

"The screw we inserted — after we removed the tumor — is pressing on the spinal cord. If we don't remove it, I am afraid you could end up paralyzed from the neck down."
For a moment, neither of them said anything.

Noreen spoke first. "You want to operate on her here?"
"It's not ideal, but I am confident we can do this."
Marta didn't hesitate. "Take it out. I trust you. You saved my life once before."

Neil nodded at her.
"Okay. Once Dr. Browne is back, we will take an X-ray of your neck. It will confirm my diagnosis and help us with the approach for the operation."

"Will Dr. Glasman be with you?" Marta asked.

Neil understood the question. The two of them had saved her before — together. Marta knew Aaron had come to the fundraiser, and she probably assumed he was still there, helping.

"No, he is on his way back to the hospital. But Dr. Browne will be assisting me."
He paused for a moment. "She's the best resident I've ever worked with. You're in good hands." He gave her a tight-lipped smile, trying to make her feel better about the situation. And it was true. Claire was his best resident.

He saw the corners of Marta's mouth twitch. She was about to say something, but before she could, Claire's voice was heard.
"I got the X-ray."

Neil turned around to her, X-ray in hand, and an EMT in tow, she walked toward them.

His breath caught for a beat. Even in all this chaos, she radiated calm. At the same time, he thought she looked like a superhero.

They took the X-ray. He was surprised — it looked the same as it had the last few times.
Many things had changed — except for Marta.

"It is the screw we used after we removed the tumor." He was mostly telling Claire, as she hadn't been around for his discussion with Marta and Noreen before.

"So we remove it?" she asked, although she knew the answer. He had told her they had operated in this mess before. She must've done the math.
"Exactly. Let's get the supplies we need."

Neil handed the tablet back to the EMT who was packing up the X-ray, then turned back to Marta and Noreen. "We'll be right back."

Taking Claire with him, he left the brewery to get the necessary things from the ambulance. Scalpel, clamps, anesthesia, or at least something they could use to put Marta under.

"Neil, talk to me. What's happening?" Claire was getting the supplies that the ambulance had on one side, so he couldn't see her face. But he could hear the concern in her voice.

"I'm not sure. Many things are different. There are fewer people hurt... The earthquake hit early. Marta seems to be the same, though. Trapped beneath a beam, in danger of being paralyzed..."

"We've got midazolam," Claire said out of nowhere.
"That combined with a morphine drip will work," he said, knowing she was thinking about the anesthesia they'd need.

"So we do the operation, same as before?" There was a hint of disbelief in Claire's voice.
"It worked all three times we did before. I don't think there's much of a choice. Unless you have another idea?"

Claire turned around to him.
Her arms were full of supplies they would need.
"Not really, no."
"You know, it was your idea before — to remove the screw here."

"Well, it is our best option to make sure she doesn't end up paralyzed."
"Exactly." He nodded, then turned to leave the ambulance.
Neil halfway expected Noreen to approach them again to talk them out of the surgery.
But she didn't.

They returned to Marta and set everything up. It wasn't easy; the instruments they used needed to be as sterile as possible.
At least the dust had settled.
They fixed Marta's head as much as they could with a small piece of wood and some tape.
Neil assigned Noreen to hold on to it, making sure that the neck wouldn't move.

One EMT was pumping the artificial manual breathing unit, keeping Marta breathing while she was under anesthesia.

There was one more thing Neil remembered.
"Check all local hospitals and blood banks. See who can get us O-negative. We'll need a transfusion to finish this." The EMT he had spoken to nodded and left to make the calls.

Neil took a deep breath, ready to start.
"Making initial midline incision to the posterior neck."

He focused, trying to avoid any complications. Previously, they only had to deal with the bleed. Thanks to Claire, it had never been a big issue. He wanted to keep it that way.
They had made good progress when the EMT came back. "I'm sorry, Dr. Melendez, we can't get any O-negative here anytime soon. All the hospitals are overrun and need it for their surgeries. Neil had expected as much. "Okay, thank you." Before he could say anything else, Claire cut in. "Maybe we don't need a transfusion for her, if..." Claire looked at Neil.

It was a question and a statement. She already knew that he knew what she was thinking of. Neil nodded, an encouraging smile dancing on his lips.

Even the fourth time, his chest swelled with pride. He didn't know why the affect hadn't faded. It didn't matter, either.

Claire got up from her place next to him. "I will be right back," she said, more to Noreen than him.
Claire left, and Noreen looked at him, not sure what to make of the situation and their exchange.

"She has an idea. It will work." He explained, his grin growing. He couldn't wait for Noreen to see Claire's idea come to fruition. For her, it was the first time she saw it.
"How do you know it will work?" Noreen asked him. She looked like Neil had just predicted the future from his seeing stone.
He thought about it for a second.

"Because I have known Dr. Browne for three years. One thing I learned early on: she is quite brilliant." Neil smiled warmly. "Even if she had to tell me that herself."
Noreen was clearly lost, not aware why the memory amused him so much. He felt the spark in his eyes. And for the first time, he didn't care to hide it, his affection for her.

"There was an accident on the highway, back when she was just a first-year resident. One of our patients was in danger of losing his leg. The bone was too shattered to reconstruct. Claire, Dr. Browne, convinced me to replace the whole femur with a titanium bone. Straight out of a 3D printer. It was bold — never been done before. But it worked. The patient left the hospital a few days after. A lot of physical therapy, but... He was able to dance with his wife at their wedding a year later. They sent a card from their honeymoon and a picture from their wedding day."
He figured Claire still had it in a box somewhere.

Noreen looked at him, a smile spreading across her face, like his had been contagious. "You must be very proud of her. I recognize the look on your face."
Neil raised an eyebrow in question.
"It's the same look I had on my face whenever I talked about Marta, when we first started dating. I was so proud of her for taking her life into her own hands. Being brave enough to leave her husband."

Neil looked down at Marta, who was still cut open in front of him. "Yeah, well, Dr. Browne and I aren't..." He broke off in the middle of the sentence. There was no point denying it. He wanted to be with her like that. Noreen had already seen it, and she wasn't his boss. She wouldn't judge him for his feelings.

"Maybe not yet." That was all Noreen said, smirking like she knew a big secret that nobody else did. An inside joke nobody else was privy to. He looked back down at her wife, worry mixing with the emotions.

"How did you two meet?" he asked. Even though he technically knew the answer. Somehow, he was unable to come up with a better small-talk topic.
Noreen didn't seem as surprised as she had before. In fact, he could hear a quiet chuckle before she spoke.

"Church. She was still married at the time. But we fell in love. It was difficult, a lot of challenges. All worth it in the end. I would do it all over again, if I had to." After a small pause, she added, "But I'm not a member of the church anymore."

Neil could imagine that the church had not looked too kindly on their story. Marta's divorce would be difficult enough. Sadly, many churches continued to have issues with same-sex couples.

"Good. I'm glad you found each other."
He was. Maybe one day he could tell people the story of how he and Claire met and had overcome their challenges, that it had all been worth it, for he then got to call her his wife. Maybe he would even get to tell their children. He could already see Claire rolling her eyes at him, trying to suppress a smirk as he sat them down to tell them their incredible story.

They were quiet for a moment, lost in their thoughts, memories, and wishes, when Claire came back.
With the beer engine in hand, like she had never done anything else. Neil's gaze flickered to Noreen for a split second. She was speechless at what she saw, but also amazed.

"You made a cell-saver out of a..." The admiring look on his face was audible in his voice. He remembered the other times he had been surprised, even speechless himself. Now, he was just proud.

"... beer engine." Noreen finished his sentence, like he knew she would. Once the beer engine was all set, she handed him one tube, no instructions needed.
"I ran alcohol through it to sterilize it," she explained to Noreen.
The other end, she handed to one of the EMTs. "Attach this to an IV. We're gonna pump her own blood back into her," Claire explained, obviously taking pride in having the idea.

He loved seeing her like that. It reminded him of her first surgery. She had tried bottling it up, at least in front of everyone else, at the time. But he could see it, bubbling inside her, needing an outlet.
He figured she had found a quiet place to let it. Maybe in a happy dance.
Seeing her openly beam with pride was nice. Not shy about it at all; hopefully, he'd get to see this side of her more often. He did not doubt that throughout her career, she would have many more great moments she could be proud of.

He just needed to get out of this stupid time loop.

Claire looked at the EMT who had tried to get them a transfusion, and was ready to assist further. "Can you take this? Just keep pumping slow and steady."
"Sure," he answered and stepped closer. He took the handpull in one hand, ready to start.
Claire found her spot next to him again.
Neil couldn't help but think that this was very different. She was usually pumping the blood herself. But before, they never had any extra hands to spare.

He liked this better, Claire next to him. Assisting with the surgery.
They picked their instruments up, continuing to work on Marta.
The blood was being pumped back into her; it worked perfectly.

"That's... incredible," Noreen said, amazed as always. "Thank you." In the corner of his eyes, he could see a whimsical smile forming on Claire's face.

"Spend enough time around Dr. Browne, you get used to incredible."
He felt her eyes on him and lifted his gaze to meet hers.
A grin lit up his face, open and honest. Dropping his guard, he showed her all he felt with a single look.

There was an intensity in the moment, a tingling sensation spread through his body, time stood still.
They were much closer than the other times he had spoken those words. If possible, it increased the gravity in the moment as their eyes looked.
His world shrank down to Claire, who looked a bit caught off guard, but not uncomfortable. Once she had processed his words, her lips twitched, and another proud but shy grin found its way to them.

God, she is so captivating, he thought, and wondered if she knew — how she made him feel. If she had any idea about the butterflies going crazy in his stomach, the flutter of his heart, or the way his breath caught in his throat.

The moment lasted barely a couple of seconds, but to him, it felt like an eternity.
If there had been any doubt left before, there wasn't now. Once they had everything under control, he would tell her how he felt. It simply couldn't wait longer than it had to.

He did his best to focus back on the surgery, which proved more difficult than he was used to. Every time they handed instruments back and forth, their hands brushed. Not unusual — their gloved hands often brushed during surgery.
This time, however, the tingling up his arm almost drove him insane.
Somehow, he managed to focus enough to work safely. Within the next 30 minutes, he found the screw and successfully removed it.

Efficiently, they closed Marta up. Claire handed the screw they removed to Noreen.
"When will we know if it worked, if she's gonna be okay?"
"As soon as she wakes up," Claire answered.
"There's a risk of infection, so let's get her stabilized and out of here," Neil added.

They moved Marta's unconscious body to a gurney to get her to an ambulance.
Neil could've predicted the exact moment Marta would wake up.
"Marta," Noreen's voice was soft.
The anesthesia and operation had taken a toll on the strong woman, her eyes barely opening.

"Can you squeeze Noreen's hand?" Claire asked.
All eyes turned to where their hands were linked.
Marta carefully tightened her grip on Noreen's hand.

It had worked. Again. Relief flooded through Neil, and Claire, next to him, let out a long breath.
He met Noreen's eye across Marta, a grateful smile on her face. Marta, too, was smiling — even if exhausted.

"You two, free beer for life," Marta declared.
"Oh, we'll definitely take you up on that." Neil grinned at her. An image took root in his mind — him and Claire, down the road. Holding her hand over the table while she told him about the latest surgery she had knocked out of the park.

"Alright, let's get her to the hospital," he said to the Team, pushing the stretcher.
He expected the aftershock to hit in that moment, but to his surprise, it didn't yet.
As soon as Marta and Noreen were in the ambulance, they closed the doors — Neil one, Claire the other — and sent them off.

The chaos in the streets had died down considerably since before the surgery.
Only a few ambulances were there, and the firefighters were clearing up a bunch of equipment they didn't need anymore.

Neil turned to Claire, who was looking after the red lights of the ambulance.
"You were brilliant. The beer engine was just... unbelievable."
She turned to him.
"But you already knew about it, didn't you?" There was no accusation in her voice, just curiosity. He thought he also detected a hint of amusement.
"I may have seen you come up with that before. But it still amazed me like it was the first time." He softly smiled at her, much like that night in the office when he told her she made him better.

This time, she didn't stammer a response and ran from what was so clearly crackling between them.
"Thank you," she said instead, grinning at him like he told her she won the Nobel Prize.

"Melendez, Browne!" Of course, it was Lim, interrupting what he thought could've been a moment between them. They both turned to see her walking towards them. "How did the surgery go?"

"Went well. Marta should be fine. We will need to monitor her for any signs of an infection; that's my only concern."
"Good job, you two." Lim looked at Claire, then nodded like she was satisfied with what Neil had reported to her.

"Now, I just spoke to Andrews; they're backed up at the hospital and need more surgeons."
Neil nodded.
"We'll take the next ambulance and head back," Claire said, before Lim had to ask them to.
"Please. I'll see you there later. This is gonna be a long night."

"Okay, see you there," Neil said, then turned to Claire. "Let's go find a ride."

It didn't take long for the next ambulance to be ready to leave, and they settled into it, next to each other.
The doors closed, and they were on the way.

"How are you holding up?" Neil asked Claire, who was fidgeting with her fingers in her lap.
She didn't look up at him, just kept staring at her hands. "I'm okay. It's just a bit overwhelming. All the chaos, operating in all of that... Knowing what you told me earlier."
"I'm sorry if that was —"
"No, I'm glad you told me. Just haven't wrapped my head around it yet."
Neil chuckled. "Tell me about it. I'm not sure I have quite understood this yet. Let alone having a clue what to do. I have no idea how it works or why this is happening."

Claire reached out and wrapped a hand around his, which was resting on his leg.
"We'll figure this out together. I'll help you." She smiled reassuringly at him. Of course, she'd be there for him. That's just who she is. She was overwhelmed, but was thinking of him.

He turned his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers. "Together."

For a moment, neither of them said anything; they were just there for each other. All the unspoken words — in the current loop, anyway — remained hanging between them. Neil wondered if Claire had a vague idea what had happened. He had told her they had said their goodbyes. It wasn't unreasonable that she had thought about it more, had figured out that she had told him how she felt about him before the end.

It was a conversation for later. They would be back at the hospital soon, where a lot of patients were waiting. And for all he knew, he would still be able to have the same talk with her the next day. He had to assume he woke up the same day. Again.

Their eyes met.
"Thank you, Claire."
She didn't say anything in response, but he felt her thumb draw lazy circles on his hand, their eyes still locked.

Of course, their moment was interrupted. This time by the ambulance coming to a stop. Instinctively, they pulled back, and the doors opened a split second later.

They stepped out of the ambulance and into the ER. Morgan was running around, barking orders at the nurses, her hands still wrapped in bandages from the operation not long ago.

Neil and Claire exchanged a look, eyebrows raised. Even if the circumstances were sad, they both knew Morgan certainly enjoyed having everyone following her orders. From the looks of it, she had done a good job, though. They both expected the ER to look a lot more like a crime scene. It was chaotic, but there was a clear structure.

They stepped closer to Reznik, currently telling a nurse to do something faster and better so they could discharge them.
"Bitch," nurse Floris muttered under her breath as she walked away.

Morgan's head turned to them as they approached. "Good, you're finally here. I need you two in OR 3. Ectopic pregnancy — fallopian tube ruptured. Everyone else is busy. Scrub in asap, the patient is on the way.
"We're on it," Neil said, and immediately went to change for surgery. He knew Claire was right behind him.

The procedure had gone well, much to Neil's relief. They had saved another life. Afterward, they had both headed back to the ER. The situation was mostly under control. They split up and helped to treat the remaining yellow tags. Morgan and the nurses took care of the green-tagged patients.

It was late by the time it had quieted down. He hadn't seen Claire in a while, but he headed out to the balcony, in desperate need of some fresh air. Neil wasn't at all surprised to find her there, already leaning against the railing. It had felt like their spot for a while.

"Crazy day, huh?" He heard her say. She knew it was him. Of course. She probably felt it, like he had felt her presence there before he had stepped through the door.

"That's... accurate." He found his place by her side, a little closer than usual. For a moment, they were quiet, forearms lightly touching. He was trying to find words. But he came up empty.

She turned around to face him, like she felt he was struggling. He did the same, their eyes meeting by magnetic pull.

"I..." He stopped, still unable to form words, much less a sentence, in his head.

"It's okay," Claire said. "We don't have to talk about this chaos."
But that was exactly the problem. Not talking. He thought he'd go insane if he didn't do something.

Looking into her eyes, he remembered how he had felt on his deathbed. Missing the opportunity to tell her how he felt when it mattered. Of losing her and being helpless, all light just disappearing out of his life in an instant.

He considered how he woke up in the morning, feeling her loss, and then discovering he got a second chance. Gabby's words rang in his ear.

What the hell was he waiting for? He knew how he felt.

Claire was still looking at him. Not expecting, but supportive and caring. She was there for him.
Right there in front of him.

He pushed out a long, frustrated sigh, like he was letting go of all remaining doubts. Quieting anything that told him to wait, and not complicate everything by crossing this line. Claire's eyes widened in surprise. She must've heard the frustration, seen the change in his eyes.

This was it, he thought, heart pounding in his chest. He wasn't nervous as such. He already knew she felt the same way about him. But there was anticipation — a tingling in his body. Everything in him was wide awake, aware of her presence.
He had wondered what it'd be like. But this... this had never occurred to him.

They were on the balcony of the hospital. Which was fitting, in many ways.
The city was dark below them, dimmed light from the residents' lounge illuminating their faces.
Claire looked so beautiful.
She always did, to him.
But there was a magic to it.
In a way, it was unexpectedly quite romantic.

Something flashed in Claire's eyes — somewhere between the exhaustion of the day and the tired euphoria of saving lives. Something soft and warm. The thing beneath the cover of their friendship he had known was there for a while. He'd seen it before, just briefly, quickly hidden behind a mask again.

This time, it stayed.
He was a lucky man.

He reached up, cupping her cheek to draw her closer. Neil had waited long enough for this moment. So, he closed his eyes just before he firmly placed his lips against hers — not harsh, but hungry and urgent. No fear or doubt.
Just certainty.
Gravity.
Finally.

Notes:

If you have a few minutes, I'm always happy for comments! Let me know what you think — what can be improved? Which sections did you enjoy?

Chapter 5: Comfort Food

Notes:

Happy weekend everyone!
I apologize in advance. 🫣🤣

Claire was certainly surprised either by the kiss itself or perhaps just by the urgency behind it.

Regardless, she caught up quickly.
Her lips pressed back against his, hands wrapping around his neck, fingers tangling in his short hair.

A low groan escaped her throat, driving him insane.
His lips moved against hers, setting a slow pace which she matched immediately.

Neil thought his chest would explode — from the feeling of Claire in his arms, her lips against his. It was heaven.

The air left his lungs; he was lightheaded. Claire took up all the space in his mind and his heart. His only thought, the kiss consuming him, his heart beating fast, the butterflies in his stomach wide awake.
A warm and fuzzy feeling ran through his veins.

He wished the moment could last forever.

Eventually, they had to pull back — the need for oxygen was greater than the need for each other.
Foreheads resting together, his eyes still closed.
He took a deep breath, letting the air out slowly, returning to earth.

"What was that all about?" Claire asked, quietly, carefully. He opened his eyes and pulled back just slightly, his hands still resting on her sides.

Her gaze was curious, not accusing — but like she didn't know what it meant, what his intentions were. The hint of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips, a spark in her eyes, along with uncertainty.
He couldn't blame her.
He had kissed her, no explanation, no nothing — on the hospital balcony, no less.

He had told her that he was reliving the same day. But had left out some details. Like that, they had said I love you.
For her, it must've been a little out of the blue.
The last thing Claire remembered must have been that they were friends — hellbent on NOT acting on their feelings. Not giving merit to that favoritism complaint.
And there he was, doing the exact opposite: acting on his feelings; basically showing open favoritism on hospital grounds.

"Claire... I know we never actually talked about this thing between us. But I don't want to keep waiting. We're wasting so much time fighting this. Too much energy."

Her eyes studied him while he spoke.
She was quick to reach the same page he was on.
"Is this about you reliving the same day?" Eyebrows furrowed, she waited for him to explain, attention focused on him.

"No. Yes. Kind of. Not really, but... I think it just opened my eyes. There is one thing I didn't tell you earlier."

Worry shadowed Claire's face now, but she didn't speak, just waited for him to continue. Her arms were on his biceps, squeezing lightly, encouraging him to keep talking and open up to her.

"I already told you that we had said our goodbyes."
Claire nodded, a somber expression taking over her features. The idea alone was hurting her.
"What I didn't tell you is that we also told each other how we feel. No masks, no pretend, no pressure. Just honesty."

He could see the realization settling in her head and her heart.
"And you don't want to risk that we'll never say it... unless either of us is dying?" There was understanding in her tone, but Neil shook his head.

"That's not quite it. When I was lying there, thinking it was the end, with you by my side... I wasn't sad, I never said it before. I wasn't afraid to die or thinking about my career. All I could think about was what we could have had. Together. Lazy mornings waking up together, nights out bowling. I think deep down I knew we would've kept fighting it all — until God only knows when... And I couldn't remember what was so important. What could be so challenging that we couldn't make it work, if we chose we wanted to?"

Claire was overwhelmed, and Neil saw it in the way her shoulders hung low, eyes darting around, mind in overdrive.
She let out a long breath. He gave her the time to sort through her thoughts and feelings, not pressuring her.
If it became too much, he'd step back. He would follow her lead.
He didn't want to, but he would.

"You're right," she finally said. "We lose people every day in our job, and most of them had hopes or dreams for the future. Things they wanted to do, things they hadn't said yet. Things that they pushed back, thinking they still had time."

It was very much Claire, he thought, that she saw all those stories, too. He had been so wrapped up in what he experienced that, for a minute, he had forgotten that they watched this happen to other people way too often.

"I don't want us to be like that," she finished, her eyes now fixed on his.
The storm in them had settled a bit, the chaos of emotions slightly calmed.
There was still a lot he could read. His words had obviously hit a nerve, had affected her.
The echo of regrets, lost moments, and missed opportunities was visible in her body language.

Her eyes, however, showed nothing but conviction. She made her choice, and she'd stand by it. Come what may, like the fighter she was.

What exactly it meant, they'd have to figure out. Neil was still assuming he might wake up the same awful Friday again.
But at least he had talked to her, taken that step.
It wouldn't matter when he woke up again, or how often. There was no going back, even if he needed to have this conversation with Claire many more times.

He just felt relieved. The weight lifted off his chest. Maybe for the first time since, he didn't even know how long, he could breathe freely.

Ever since he fell for Claire and thought he couldn't do anything about it, he had felt like he was wearing shackles. Not able to touch her, except for the more or less accidental brush of their hands in the OR.
He never dared to touch her outside the hospital, away from prying eyes. He had always been wary of what it could set in motion.

He had been one first-class idiot, denying both himself and Claire the chance to make a decision together. He realized it then.

Of course, Claire hadn't made any moves either. But he knew her well enough. She wouldn't have wanted to make him uncomfortable. Probably assuming she was imagining things. At least until he had gone and all but said he loved her not too long ago.

He couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face.
Claire smiled back, and he couldn't help himself, taking her hands in his.
Yes, they were still at the hospital. Maybe it was stupid and impulsive. They should discuss what to do, when to tell the others, and go to HR.
But it was late, and most people had left hours ago.
Right now, he couldn't bring himself to care about any of these things.

As much as he wanted to simply enjoy the moment, the exhaustion of the long day was weighing heavily on him. It wasn't difficult to see it had taken over Claire, too.
A couple of hours past midnight, even her shift had officially ended hours ago.
But when disaster struck, shift times didn't matter any longer.

"Come on. Let's get out of here. I'll drive you home." He offered Claire. She hesitated for a moment, a shy look on her face.

"Do you think I could stay at your place tonight? After everything..."
She trailed off, but he didn't need an excuse.
"Of course," he smiled softly at her. There was nothing he'd like more than having Claire with him.
She smiled back, tiredly, then followed him back inside.

They quickly stopped by the locker room so Claire could grab her things. Neil vaguely remembered that parts of his suits would still be in a storage room.
He just changed into the sweats he kept in his locker instead.

"You hungry?" he asked Claire once they had walked out the hospital doors. Neil was starving himself.
While they had been working, the adrenaline had been rushing through his veins. Now that he was slowly winding down, the exhaustion and hunger made themselves known harshly.

"Actually, yeah. The last time I ate was... before my shift started." Claire's stomach growled, as if to accentuate her point. Neil's followed suit.
"What do you want? I don't have much in the fridge. Should we pick something up?"
"It's 2 in the morning. I'm not sure there is anything we can pick up at this time."

He looked at his watch to find she was right.
"I might have some eggs; maybe we can find enough to whisk something up."

As they reached his car, he opened the door for Claire, closing it after she settled in her seat.
The fact that she didn't tease him about it told him exactly how tired she was.

He got in the driver's seat and started the car.
It was a short drive, mostly quiet — except for the occasional yawn from the passenger seat.

"I can't believe you just kissed me on the hospital balcony." Claire chuckled next to him as he stopped at a red light.
He glanced over at her, smiling at the memory himself.
"Emphasis on 'kissed me' or 'hospital balcony'?" he asked, mostly teasing her, but also curious.

"Both? Equally," Claire replied with a quiet, light-hearted laugh.
"Would you rather I come up with a long romantic speech?"
He knew the answer to that, and the way Claire's face twisted in exaggerated disgust just confirmed it.

"I wasn't complaining." She turned to look back at him. "It was just... a little unexpected."
"I guess it was a bit reckless. But reliving the same day and Gabby telling me I should talk to you... I finally stopped overthinking what could go wrong. Did what my heart told me to do — started thinking about what could go right."

The traffic light turned green, and he focused back on the mostly empty street.
"That's a good answer," Claire said next to him.
"Not too cheesy?"
"No, I expected worse." She was teasing him back.
"But seriously... What is it like? Waking up again on the same day?"

"At first, it was strange. I didn't really realize it at first. It took a while until I knew why everything was so familiar. Then I realized I had a chance to save people. But... it was also a little frustrating. Feeling like nothing I did was good enough. And then I thought I saved everyone but lost you..." He swallowed hard.
He could feel Claire next to him shift.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."
He moved his right arm to wrap it around her shoulder, which was resting in her lap.
"I'm just glad you believed me when I told you. Instead of calling me insane and escorting me to the psych ward." The humor he attempted almost fell flat; the gravity of the situation and the loss between them.

"I'm glad you told me."
They were silent for a moment as he pulled up his driveway. There was an unspoken question between them.

What if, come tomorrow, none of this has happened anymore?

What if he just woke up that same Friday again?

They got out of the car and went inside his apartment.
Claire hadn't been there before, so she looked around his place once she was through the door, and took her shoes off, leaving them by the door.
He mirrored her actions and left his shoes by the door. Usually, he'd put everything in its place, but the day had been long enough.

He followed Claire down the hallway to the open kitchen and living space.
"This is really you. All clean and tidy."
"It's not like I'm here enough to cause chaos."
She bobbed her head, then turned around to him.

Of course, there were the long hours at the hospital. In addition, he had spent a great amount of his free time with Claire recently. Since they stopped running, they just spent even more time together. Their runs had been limited to an hour or so before they went their separate ways.

But bowling, dinners, a movie on occasion... More often than not, their time together stretched over several hours. Almost like an unspoken agreement, every time they met, they spent a few more minutes together. Steadily.
Time flew by when they talked about everything and nothing. Slowly, two hours had turned into more than three.

"Come on, let's find you something edible."
He reached for her hand, gently pulling her with him to the open kitchen.
"Take a seat," he gestured to one of the chairs at the island.

Letting go of her, he went over to the shelf to get them two glasses of water. They had definitely not been hydrating enough, either.

"Thanks." Claire smiled when he placed the water in front of her and immediately drank more than half of it.
He did the same with his, not realizing how thirsty he was until he had filled the glass.

Neil put his glass back down and turned to open his fridge.
Mostly empty, as expected.
Some eggs, vegetables, but almost half past 2 a.m. was not exactly the time to start cooking something complicated. Although he certainly hoped to impress Claire with his skills in the kitchen sometime soon.

Checking his freezer, he found the same result.
Some ice-cubes, a half-empty bucket of his favorite ice cream, and a steak.

Being free on Saturday, he had left the grocery shopping for then.
And even the one time he had made it home on this day, eating hadn't even crossed his mind. It wasn't like he expected to come back with Claire this time. But when she had asked him, he couldn't turn her down. Even if the better part of him expected to wake up alone on Friday.

He turned to Claire, who read his body language and facial expression right away.
"No way. Neil Melendez, there's nothing edible in your fridge?" She wasn't accusing him; if anything, she was amused.
"What? I am free tomorrow, remember? Enough time to restock." He tried to defend himself, but couldn't suppress the amused, if slightly embarrassed, smile.

"Trust me, my fridge will be as empty tomorrow as it is today. I'm a terrible cook." Claire's words eased his guilt a little.
"I remember you told me about the last time you were in the kitchen."
She had, in fact, told him about her date with Dash that had ended in ordering pizza.

Claire's face twisted in disgust, most likely at the memory of the dish that Kayla had made so well, and she and Dash somehow managed to ruin it completely.
Neil made a decision that he'd need to take a run at that recipe with Claire, confident in his ability to do and teach her better. From Claire's story, there wasn't much room for it to turn out worse, anyway.

"I'm sorry, but the best I can offer is pancakes."
A smile lit up Claire's face. "Pancakes sound perfect."
"Pancakes it is." With a nod, he turned around to grab the ingredients and mix everything in a bowl.

Claire sat at the counter, sipping her water. He could feel her eyes following his every move.
"I'd offer to help, but I'm fairly certain you're faster without me."
"Don't worry about it. You're a guest. I can show you a few things another time, when it's not past two in the morning. If you like."

Neil turned to look at Claire over his shoulder.
An easy and relaxed expression on her face, comfortable where she was.
"Sounds great."
The softness in her voice caused that fuzzy feeling in his stomach to reappear. Hopefully, they'd actually get that chance. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this way.

A clear vision of the future formed in his head, much like it had on his deathbed before. They hadn't talked about all of that yet. And as long as he was stuck in the same day, it probably didn't matter.

A comfortable silence settled over them, both exhausted from the day, as Neil continued to mix ingredients, the pan preheating on the stove.

It didn't take long until he placed a plate in front of Claire, along with some syrup.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Sorry, this is the best I could do."
He grabbed his own plate and sat down next to her.
"No, THIS is perfect. It's comfort food. If there was ever a reason for comfort food..."
Claire was right. He had essentially dumped the whole time loop thing on her, followed by the earthquake and everything that came hand in hand with such a disaster.

They both dug into their food, a throaty sound of approval escaped Claire, filling his kitchen.
"Theesh are the besht pankesh I've ever had," she mumbled, mouth full.
Something stirred in Neil at the sight.
Claire, in his kitchen, eyes closed, as she savored the pancakes he'd made her. All the exhaustion of the day, the things they had seen at the brewery and in the OR were forgotten for a beat, as she enjoyed something so simple.

He was too far gone already; she had stolen all of his heart and left nothing behind.
"You got plans for tomorrow? Besides grocery shopping?" Claire asked once she had swallowed the pancakes.
"I hadn't really thought about it. I assumed our lunch would stretch out into the afternoon. But I haven't planned anything else — still not sure tomorrow is actually Saturday."

Claire reached out to grab his hand, squeezing it gently.
"Maybe this time it will. You did say some things were different than before."
He nodded once.

Things had changed. The earthquake hit early, and he had talked to Claire. She was there with him now. The thought that she might be gone when he woke up in the morning made him sad. But at least he would get to fall asleep beside her.
He shrugged. "I honestly don't know. But I hope so."
Claire's voice was warm as she spoke. "If it is, we can reschedule and switch lunch for breakfast." She said it with a simplicity that eased him.

There was nothing he'd like more.
He knew a great store close to his place where he could get fresh bagels and some of that... He stopped before he could go too far down that road.
He would cross the bridge when it came to it, rather than deal with the disappointment if it didn't.

They returned to their plates and, before long, both were scraped completely clean.
Neil grabbed them to put them in the dishwasher, then looked at Claire. He was sure she would fall asleep in the chair if he let her. She was looking at him, but her eyes were heavy, already half closed.

"Come on, let's go to bed."
With a nod, Claire got off the chair and followed him down the hall and through his bedroom into the adjacent bathroom. He found a new toothbrush for her and gave her a fresh towel.
"Thanks." He showed her where to find toothpaste as well, then left to look for something she could sleep in.

Neil found one of his old Stanford T-shirts and some shorts in his drawer that should do nicely.
He returned to the bathroom, meeting Claire's eyes in the mirror, and held up the clothes.
"Thought you might like something more comfortable to sleep in," he said. Claire dipped her head once, and he put the items on the edge of his tub.
He left the bathroom, closing the door behind him to give her some privacy to change once she finished brushing her teeth.

Neil used the time to switch his suit pants for some comfortable shorts and finally change out of his dress shirt.
While waiting for Claire, he checked his phone.
He had received a few texts, asking if he was okay, from friends outside San José, which he quickly replied to.

Claire emerged from the bathroom not long after he'd left her.
His shorts reached her knees, and the T-shirt hung loosely to her mid-thighs. Her hair was messy, tied into a ponytail to tame it.

He swore she never looked more gorgeous.
Her eyes quickly flickered to his bare torso, resting on the tattoo for a second before coming back to his eyes.
Usually, he'd have teased her about it, but he decided it could wait till the morning when they had gotten some rest.

"Pick a side," he said, gesturing to the bed.
Claire looked almost shy as she climbed into the left side of the bed — his bed.

These were not the circumstances he'd usually imagined when his mind jumped to a day where they'd share a bed. The atmosphere was heavy, the weight of the events pulling both of them down. Still, there was a lightheartedness between them, the easiness and simplicity of being with each other, and they had developed so seamlessly.

"You had to pick a Stanford shirt, didn't you?" Claire asked, clearly amused.
Neil just shrugged, overly innocent. "First one I found." The smirk on his face gave him away.

She had teased him about it on their first run. The fact that he even owned a shirt from the school he went to. That he still wore it so many years later, as a successful surgeon, he had become.
Neil had teased her back, saying that she was just jealous.

Claire had revealed to him that she had been too busy — working two jobs, in order to afford her education — to care about "silly things like school spirit."

He always knew he had been lucky with a partial scholarship.
His parents wouldn't have been able to afford his college tuition. Without the scholarship, he would have been in a similar situation.
He had still worked throughout, allowing him not to worry too much about his finances and save up some money to travel before starting med school.

Neil headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth, then returned and slipped into his bed.
He was surprised Claire was still up, even if she was fighting the sleep threatening to take her over.

They were both lying on their sides, facing each other.

"This is nice." Claire smiled.
"It is. I'm glad you're here." Neil reached out a hand to caress her cheek.

"How are you feeling?" Claire asked carefully.
"I'm not sure." He admitted with a sigh. "A little afraid you won't be here in the morning, and I have to go through all of that again. But at the same time, it's good to know you're here now, and that you believed me when I told you. Having your support."

Claire took his hand that was now resting between them. "Of course. Don't ever doubt that. I'll always be here for you, like you have been there for me."

He was caught off guard when Claire leaned in closer and kissed him. Short and sweet at first, but she quickly changed her mind, leaning back in. He met her halfway. Their lips found a natural rhythm, the familiar electricity between them humming as everything else faded away for a moment.

There was something addictive about kissing Claire.
He wondered if the rush would ever subside or feel different. If he would get used to this, or if it would always feel like something special. A part of him couldn't wait to find out.

For now, he was happy to focus on the present — the warmth spreading through him, as much as the one coming from her so close to him.

He slipped a hand underneath the shirt he had given her, drawing her a little closer still. Kissing her wasn't enough; he needed to feel her close.

Claire rested her hand on his chest, right above his heart.
He knew she could feel it beating against her fingertips, hard and slightly faster than his usual resting rate.
After what he told her, maybe she just needed to know he was there as much as he needed to feel her skin warm against his.

His hand was itching to travel higher under her shirt, remove the offensive thing entirely. But this was decidedly not the time.

For one, they were both exhausted.
And more so, when they took that step, he wanted to be sure that she'd still be there the next morning. That they would both be able to remember it. Not him remembering everything, while for Claire, it would be just another Friday morning when she hadn't even told him she and Dash had broken up.

As much as he wanted to be with Claire, it would have to wait.

Reluctantly, he pulled back, locking eyes with her — memorizing the way she looked at him in that moment.

Her smile faded as she studied him. "You're still worried I won't be here in the morning."
"I'm almost certain that will be the case, yes..."
She nodded, apparently not too happy with that idea, either.
The possibility settled into the silence between them.

It was a strange reality they found themselves in. Usually, there was only one reason to wake up alone after falling asleep next to someone: the other person didn't want to stay for breakfast. But now... they both knew it could be that Neil woke up alone, and it wouldn't be because Claire didn't want to be there.

"I get it, you know." There was a sadness in her voice that broke his heart.
"As long as I can remember, I was never really carelessly happy. Whenever something good happened to me, something terrible was just around the corner."

Neil had known that she'd carried the weight of the world on her shoulders for some time. But he couldn't help but hate the world — cold and cruel — a little more for what it had done to Claire.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Whenever I got a good grade in school... Best-case scenario, my mom was gone for a few days. Worst case, she would get mad, throw a tantrum, and then ignore me. If she had a good day, the next day would be twice as bad as her regular bad days."

Neil swallowed hard, but didn't say anything. He just gave her the space to say what she needed.

"My high-school crush asked me to go to prom, but..."
"You couldn't go because you need to pick up your drunk mother." He remembered that story.

"I was so relieved when I got into college. Partial scholarship. Until they pulled the funding for it.
And then, I get into a top residency program..."

For a very brief moment, her eyes sparkled at him.
Most likely because it was what had led them to this very moment. He had a quip on the tip of his tongue, how her boss turned out to be an arrogant douche.
But he kept it for another time, when the spark disappeared as quickly as it had come.

"But a day later, my best friend gets a cancer diagnosis." He could hear how bitter the words still tasted in her mouth. Losing someone as close to you as your best friend didn't get easier. Claire had learned to carry on with life, but she still missed her best friend every day. He could only imagine how painful it still was.

"Claire..." He didn't know what to say. What he wanted was to wrap her in his arms and tell her everything would turn out all right. That this time, it would be different. That something good could happen without another thing going wrong.
But he couldn't. At this moment, he didn't believe it. Even if she didn't already know it, he couldn't lie to her.

Not surprisingly, she was much stronger than he was.
She smiled at him, tight-lipped and sad, but like she was trying to tell him that everything would be okay.

"And of course, my boss is one of the best surgeons in the country and I learn a lot from him... until he boots me off his service." She rolled her eyes at the last part.
"Hey, that was your own fault!"
They both chuckled. Claire had only fake-apologized, and in a way, he thought in the end it had made them stronger.
It had built a new understanding between them. From what he heard, she would have left the hospital if she had kept missing out on the chance to learn from him. And he had come to realize how much he actually valued her input.

"I think... You're the first time something is different."
He raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"Because... You were pretty unbearable in the beginning. Arrogant, not interested in other opinions than your own." She was only partly teasing.

"Hold on a second, that's not true. I always listened when either of you had something to say," he defended himself.
"And then you did what you thought anyway. Remember the patient you wanted to operate on while he wasn't ready?"

"Oh, the signed consent that you couldn't get me? I remember."
They were both grinning now, thinking back to that time. Had anyone told them where they'd be here years later, they would not have believed it.

"Instead of giving him time, you asked Jared to go and get —"
"I vaguely remember being right. Because once we got in there... Well, you were there." He acted a little more smug about it than he usually was these days, the warmth still in his voice.
Claire laughed at him. "Not the point."
He joined in, before they both settled down again.

"We've come a long way since then, haven't we? Being here now?" Neil asked, serious.
"I certainly wouldn't have bet on us becoming friends back then. Let alone something more than that."
"Me neither."

"Promise me something?" she asked, quietly.
"Yeah, anything." He didn't even need to think about it.
"No matter how often this repeats, keep trusting me. Tell me everything. Lean on me, and we'll figure this out. I mean, how much harder can this be than cracking a medical mystery case? Really?"

A chuckle vibrated in his chest.

She was joking, and, if anything, it made him love her more. The words were on the tip of his tongue, ready to escape.
Claire had seen her share of dark and difficult times, and yet never lost her ability to see light at the end of the tunnel.

He met her eyes, and those three words were on the tip of his tongue again.
Sweet, simple, true — I love you.
It took him some effort, but he swallowed them for the time being.
He would tell her soon enough, not caught in chaos.
"Promise," he answered instead.

 

She smiled at him, but was interrupted by a yawn.
He quickly followed, not able to suppress it either.
The day had been long, his feet hurt, and his back was aching. They were used to those long and stressful days. But no matter how many times they fought through those extra tough ones, it never got easier. Once the adrenaline wore off, pure exhaustion always took over.

Neil could see her eyes drifting shut, slowly, against her will, and knew he wouldn't last much longer, either.

So he reached for the little lamp on his nightstand and switched it off.
"Good night, Claire," he whispered, softly.
Claire snuggled a little closer to him.
"Good night, Neil."

Almost as soon as she'd said it, he could hear her breathing slowing down.
It settled him more than he thought possible, and he let his eyes close.

He didn't want to fall asleep, wanted to fight the urge to stay awake and watch Claire sleeping beside him — although she'd probably find it creepy or overly romantic.

But the thought that kept circling his head was simple: he couldn't wake up on the same day if he never fell asleep.
Of course, the notion was plain irrational. Just because he fell asleep later, Saturday afternoon, maybe, he might still wake up Friday morning. And he couldn't just stop sleeping for the rest of his life.

At least now, Claire was with him, unlike the other times.
Maybe, if he held her tight enough, she wouldn't be gone in the morning. Perhaps she'd still be there, with him.

It was the last thought he had before falling into a restless sleep.

His dreams revolved around the last couple of days — or the one day. But in its different versions, he had lived it.

He saw himself dying from an outside perspective, reliving the earthquake numerous times, which had him tossing and turning in his bed. The night when Claire had died on the street... It had been too hard at the time; seeing it again wasn't any easier. How had she lived through that three times?

His talk with Claire resurfaced, how she had faith in him. There was the moment in his office when he told her she made him better, followed by that night he had almost walked away from her.
At last, his mind went back to that kiss. On the hospital balcony, with the city below them. It had been one hell of a first kiss.

No matter what happened, he would never give up on her. On them. Never again would he waste a second to show her what she meant to him; he would hold on to her as long as she let him. And he would kiss her for the first time again and again — as often as it took — until the loop he was trapped in finally broke. Claire was worth it.

He had always known she was, but he had reasoned his way out of acting on that knowledge — had chosen logic over his heart.
He had suppressed the impulse to be open with her about all he felt.

If he had learned one thing from this experience, it was that there was no point in wasting time.
His tomorrow wasn't guaranteed any more than Claire's was. They had been so stubborn about not admitting to their feelings...

Instead, they should have been stubborn together — should have fought for a chance to explore what could, pushed back against hospital rules that made no sense. It wasn't like either of them had decided to fall in love with the other. But he was sure it was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He just hated what had to happen for him to realize that.
Maybe he didn't deserve a second chance, but he still hoped he'd get one. If he did — if he ever woke up that Saturday after the earthquake — he wouldn't waste it, that he was sure of.

---

In the morning, Neil woke up. He kept his eyes closed, not ready to face the day.
The memories of the night vividly replayed in his mind — Claire in the dim light on the balcony, their first kiss, falling asleep next to her.

He reached out a hand to where she should be, where she fell asleep the previous night.
Even though he wasn't surprised, his heart sank that the side of the bed was empty now.

He opened his eyes, looking around the room.
Everything looked the same, but it felt different.
He felt different.
Slowly, he sat up against the headboard and rubbed his hands over his face.

Only then did it occur to him.
The alarm wasn't ringing. He had always woken up to the alarm so far.
Lifting his head, Neil reached for his phone when his eyes fell on the alarm clock.

8:05 a.m. That was the time on his alarm clock.
He was still wondering what that might mean when something else caught his attention.

"Good morning."
His head snapped around to the doorway of his bedroom.
Claire, still in his Stanford shirt, walked in — two mugs in hand.

For a brief moment, Neil's mind went blank.
He had absolutely not expected her to be still there.
Let alone awake early with coffee in hand.

His heart skipped a beat, and a big grin spread across his face. "You're here."
"Sorry, I wasn't when you woke up. I wanted to be back before you did... But I brought coffee." Claire smiled a little sheepishly at him and handed him one of the mugs, sitting back down next to him on the bed.
"Thank you."

Neil kept watching her as she settled in beside him, mirroring his posture against the headboard.
"I can't believe you're here. I really thought..."
"And when you found the other side empty..."
Neil nodded.

He reached out to her cheek, drawing her in for a soft peck on the lips.

"But you're here, that's all that matters."
Claire smiled softly at him.
If this were a dream, he never wanted to wake up from it.

Only then did he realize something else: no headache. No dizziness. No heavy muscles or aching bones.
Despite the lack of sleep and the exertion of the previous day, he felt surprisingly rested.

Not taking his eyes off Claire, he blindly reached for his phone.
A glance at the lock screen confirmed what he hoped, but couldn't quite believe yet.

Saturday, 6 March.

Notes:

I know this is all fluffy 🦙🧸and really unlike me. But in a way it felt like a bigger twist to just stick to this and NOT have him wake up again before the earthquake. Or kill someone else off.
Also, I didn't want to overdo it with the repetitiveness that a time loop has by nature. I suppose he could do something else entirely. I just can't picture Neil not showing up to work or try to save everyone in the earthquake.

Anyway, I hope this felt earned and light after all the stress and disaster of the weeks before.
Feel free to drop your thoughts in the comments, always happy for the feedback ☺️

Chapter 6: EPILOGUE

Neil woke up to the smell of coffee. He stirred before opening his eyes.
"Why are you up so early?"
"Couldn't sleep anymore."

They had spent many nights together — at his place or hers — and Claire had been up before him exactly once before.
Sitting up, he looked at her before taking the cup she offered him.

"Nervous about the event tonight?"
Claire shrugged. "Maybe a little. Last time I was there..."
"You saved a woman's life — by being the amazing doctor you are."

The corners of her lips twitched upward, easing the worry in her eyes.

"How are you doing? This must bring up a lot of memories for you, too. More than for me."
"Yeah. But you're with me, so I am not worried."
He smiled sweetly, already knowing what she'd say.

"You're such a sap," she teased him, rolling her eyes. He knew she secretly loved it.
"What do you wanna do today? We got some time before we need to get ready."

"I was thinking we put your theory to the test and go for a run," Claire suggested.
"My theory?" He didn't quite know what she was referring to.
"I got a new pair of running shoes."
"Ah, you're thinking you can outrun me now. I see how it is." Neil grinned.
"We both know, if you stopped cheating, I'd have outrun you a long time ago. That's why you can't keep up with me on the rowing machine."

She was right, but he wouldn't admit to it so easily.
So he shrugged and sipped his coffee instead.

After their run through the park and a shower, they ate breakfast and relaxed, enjoying their time together. Claire was reading an article about a new treatment she was interested in, while Neil lost himself in the newest Simon Beckett novel.

Finally, they had to get ready for the evening.

Neil put on a dark blue suit, the top two buttons of his shirt undone, as usual.

Claire had picked out a simple dress that, quite frankly, Neil couldn't wait to undress.
She entered the living room, and his breath caught at how stunning she looked.

She caught him staring, a slight blush coloring her cheeks pink.
"Wow," was all he managed.

A grin spread across her face.
"You look pretty handsome yourself."

Neil stepped closer to her, resting his hands on her hips. "I love you."
The words slipped out easily, no hesitation.
"I love you, too," Claire replied softly, but sure. Her hand found his cheek as she leaned in and placed a quick kiss on his lips. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. Mundane, yet as magical as it had been that night on the balcony.

Sometimes, it still felt like a miracle to him — that he got to say those words and hear them back.
No earthquake, no fatal injuries, no fear.
Just there.
After everything that had happened, this was now his life.

She tried to step back, ready to leave, but he tightened his grip, leaning down to press another kiss to her lips — tender but hungry.
Every kiss they shared still left him wanting more.
Claire was his sun, her light spreading through him.

If the event wasn't so important to them, he'd have seriously suggested they stay home.

Reluctantly they parted.
"Come on, before we can't bring ourselves to leave. Again," Claire said, tugging him towards the front door.
"Fine. But we'll make up for it later."
Claire didn't reply, but suggestively raised an eyebrow.

---

It was December, and the brewery had been rebuilt. Marta and Noreen had invited quite a few people for a get-together before the Christmas stress started for everyone.
Neil was excited to see her again. The fact that he and Claire were both invited and attended the event together was the cherry on top.

As soon as they walked into the brewery, Marta spotted them and rushed over.
"There you are! It's so good to see you, Dr. Melendez!" Marta hugged him right away.
"You too, Marta."
"And Dr. Browne." Claire had no choice and was pulled in for a hug, too.

"Noreen, it's good to see you." Neil greeted the quieter woman who had joined them a moment after Marta.
"Thank you, Dr. Melendez, for making this all possible."
"You're welcome." Neil returned the warm smile.
"And the incredible Dr. Browne, I remember."
"Hi, Noreen. How are you doing?" Claire shook her hand.

"So, what would you like to drink? On the house, as promised," Marta smiled at them.
Neil and Claire each ordered a beer with one of the unique flavors they offered and followed Marta to the bar.

Marta drew their beers herself and set them down on the counter.
They had arrived early, so the brewery was still mostly empty, and Marta actually had some time for them. They made use of it and chatted away, catching up.

Neil and Claire both made sure to compliment the two women on how incredible the place looked. Noreen filled them in on some of the work and upgrades that had been done.
Marta, of course, focused on telling them all about the plans they still had for the future.

A few hours later, Marta found Neil as Claire was off to use the restroom.
"So, I see we were right."
"Oh yeah? About what?" Neil was clueless.
Marta smirked at him before she answered.
"You and Dr. Incredible. Of course, I was under amnesia most of the time, but Noreen told me about the beer engine. And that she had detected some sparks between you two. Or... a lot."

Neil couldn't help but smile at her. He didn't mind the teasing at all. Especially not now that they had been happily dating for almost 6 months.
In many ways, they were like those teenagers they had organized the prom for: Ridiculously and happily in love. Idiots.
It wasn't always easy; they had disagreements, and the news — while not surprising — hadn't been met with congratulations from everyone at the hospital.
But they were sure how they felt and that the uncomfortable moments would be worth it in the end.

Claire stepped out of the bathroom across the hall, his eyes immediately drawn to her.
He must've looked like a lovesick fool, but he didn't care. With a woman like Claire Browne, who could blame him?

"If you need a location for a wedding..." Marta good-naturedly chuckled next to him.
He turned his attention back to her. He hadn't bought a ring yet, but he had practically picked one out. He just thought it was okay to wait for a little bit and ask Claire to move on first. But not too long. He was sure, and he had learned his lesson: there was no such thing as the right time. Waiting for it was a waste.

"We might get back to you on that."

Notes:

This officially marks the end of the story. Thanks to everyone who read this far. Either while I was still posting or afterwards!
I hope you all had a little bit of fun with this.
I know I did — at least when I wasn't loosing my mind over it. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

And big thanks to everyone who keeps reading, writing, commenting. This fandom feels so small, but I am thrilled we're still here 💪🏼

Happy weekend everyone!