Chapter Text
He said the mind can play tricks on you. Have you wondering about a name. So smooth, it can roll off the tongue and ruin you.
So, think. Think very carefully about what you do before it gets away from you and it’s too late to call it back.
Too late to swallow it down your throat like that first sip of ice water you swore you only took because the sun was battering down you on that hot summer’s day when Theo, The Duke of Tintagel first looked at you…
Lizzy kept repeating this in her head. Hectors words. He said them so often these days. She knew logically they were right. Knew he had been so good to her. So forgiving. But no matter what she did, she couldn’t shake the image of Theo from out of her head, nor soothe the burn of his gaze. The things it awakened in her. It never did burn her, instead it inflamed her. Took down a path of indiscretion after indiscretion. And Hector, when he first had his suspicions of it, looked at her and said those words she kept repeating. A love like this, an affair like this, it could ruin her, ruin him, ruin them. Think on that.
So, if she loved Theo, then that love, it had better burn her, scorch her, punish her, turn her ash, the inconstant woman that she was, lying to herself over and over that she wanted peace. That she didn’t want the papers getting wind of it. That she deserved to suffer. Who was she fooling, there could be no peace from this. Not when Theo was haunting her every waking moment and stalking her dreams.
They sat across from her mother now, presenting a united front. And Hector, like they had discussed repeated the same speech he had told his father not even two hours earlier. His hands were warm and sweaty, gripping Lizzy’s tightly, hanging on for dear life, he stared at Mrs. Elmsworth, smiling in a way that did not at all reach his eyes.
“It’s the baby, I’m afraid. It takes a toll on our Lizzy. The doctors…well, they say she needs peace. And that it is best to get out of London for a while. Get away from all the noise of city life and take in the fresh air. Put in some distance…,” he glanced at Lizzy trying to make the next part appear as spontaneous or as spur of the moment as possible. That the distance was not at all about Theo. There was a moment the false smile faltered, but he quickly recovered. “So, we were thinking, why doesn’t Lizzy come back with you and Mr. Elmsworth…stay in Newport for summer. Of course, I would come for a bit and help her get settled, before duty calls me back of course. Lizzy can have the baby there and she’d loved to be near you, and I bet you’d love to have for your first grandchild born on American soil.”
Lizzy avoided her mother’s attempts at eye contact. But she looked at Hector. Hector, who offered her stability, security, loyalty and she was already starting to drown his words out and this agreed upon script. The agreement that he would forgive everything if she went to New York and had Theo’s baby and never ever saw him again or spoke of him. And she had agreed in the moment, because she truly believed that she wanted to save her marriage then. Had truly been contrite. And for her part, she promised she would, that she would be a repented wife for all her remaining days, if only Hector would agree to one condition, that she be allowed to see Theo one last time and end things in person.
And so, they rode away from her mother, and she looked at him in silence as he filled their space with noise, relieved at duping their parents. Asking, how they would do this next part? What would the logistics be? Would he wait for her as she told him? Could he trust her, that she really needed to tell him privately? That nothing would happen? And did he have to be there in the room, perhaps? Could a note not suffice? And she tried not to feel irritable or cry as they got closer to Tintagel. So, she swallowed that name Hector avoided saying to keep his sense of peace. The name she would soon not be allowed to speak if they were ever going to make this work. The name she promised to never mention again. Hector knew it was killing her. To give up Theo. That it would kill her to raise his child and be forced to forget that he existed. And Hector acted so noble that a part of her hated him. She was in precarious and changeable moods. Maybe it was the pregnancy. One moment, so grateful for his forgiveness, the next resenting him and believing his attempts at kindness and forgiveness only came out an effort to protect his reputation and career in politics. What did he want her to say? Did he want her to grovel? To punish herself and deny herself the only thing that brought her true joy? And why should she? How could love ever be wrong? She was indignant as she asked herself this question. Yes, she had agreed to give Theo up but as she got closer to the moment, it seemed this agreement was untenable.
“It is a good thing we’ve packed all your things. After this business, you will go straight to New York first thing in the morning. Your mother will be glad to have you travel with her. And what surprise it will be for Mabel!”
She looked away from him, hating how he had taken to speaking to her like a politician since he found out about the affair. Like one of the public or work colleague, always all cheerful while simultaneously warning her she was on the brink of destroying whatever morals and good character she had left. Lizzy focused on the landscapes outside her window. And her mind raced, floating and restless, until it settled on one thing she knew to be true. That in many ways, this marriage had been over for months in her head. And sure, she could not establish when her feelings started to sway completely away from all forms of caring, only that the moment she decided she no longer loved Hector Robinson, it was as though the whole world agreed with her and any pushback against this decision became oppressive. Her love for Theo was like a sickness, a beautiful sickness and she couldn’t stop. In fact, she would do anything not too. It was intoxicating. Like a drug. She couldn’t say what Hector wanted her to say in this moment as they sat across from one another. That, this was the last time. That Theo had just been a faze. An error in judgement. They both knew, deep down she could not make promises she could not keep. She was not so determined to end it after all. How could she, when it was the only thing that made her feel alive. Hector didn’t have to look into her eyes to read her thoughts. It had started raining by then, down pouring as their carriage pulled up to Tintagel and she reached for the door of the carriage, ready to jump out and away from him forever, free from this cage, this suffocation, but his hand stilled hers.
“Elizabeth…”
“What?” She supressed a sob. She felt awful. Disgusted with herself and what she was doing. He was a good man. Deep down she knew he did not deserve it. But she could not help who she loved. She was an imperfect human who tried for so long to be perfect. That changeable nature again.
“Look at me Lizzy.”
She averted her eyes, so he gently lifted her chin forcing her to look into his. And she saw a man defeated. A man in pain. A man who was angry but trying his best at one last attempt to make her see reason.
“This isn’t you Lizzy. This person…I don’t recognize her. She’s not the woman I married. He’s gotten in your head, twisted himself into you. Has this hold over you. It is not natural and one day you’ll break free of his spell.”
He was wrong. There was no spell. She wasn’t drunk. She was of sober mind and heart when she fell in love with Theo. She was tired of Hector framing it like Theo pressured her or wore her down. Maybe when she had tried to be faithful, his pursuit could have been framed as relentless. But they both knew perfectly well, it mutual decision.
“It isn’t his fault. He didn’t force me—”
“—No, you listen. I thought that after that business with Seadown…all rumors of what happened would have been lesson enough about men like that. Men of that class—”
“—I didn’t do anything with Seadown. Seadown hurt me—”
It was a low blow comparing Seadown to Theo. And Hector knew that. It made Lizzy angry.
“What you did or didn’t do does not matter. It is what people think you have done that matters now. I spent many nights asking myself, why you had to go and put me in this position. And I’ve been so patient. Haven’t I been patient?”
“Yes.”
“Then why, Lizzy?”
“I’m sorry,” Lizzy said truthfully, “I thought I could stay. But I don’t feel for you as I should. And if I do stay, I think I’ll die. Maybe not right away, but being away from him, it will kill me slowly. If I stay, I’m afraid I will wake up in twenty years and realize the wrong man is beside me. And I don’t know what I’ll do or how I could live with myself.”
“We could be so happy. We are happy. It’s a mindset, Lizzy. A destination.”
“I’m sorry. You always want to fix things. And I loved you for it once. But this time I’ve created a mess so big it wouldn’t be so beautiful or easy for you clean up. You don’t get to call one your pals in government this time and have them sweep it all up for us. I’m pregnant with his child, Hector! It will only be a ruin once the press finds out, an incomprehensible ruin because everyone will be wondering how I could do this to you. And I don’t have a good answer, I only know that if I stay, every day you look this child, you'll think about what I felt for Theo, what I still do. And you’ll resent it. You’ll resent me.”
“If you get out of this carriage and don’t come back, you know what they’ll say about me. About a man who cannot hold onto his own wife. It will ruin me. Personally. Publicly.Professionally. It will ruin you even worse. You will never be able to show your face in good society again. Where do think you guys could realistically go and be free together? New York? You think he’ll just leave his birthright behind? His life here? Think on that, Lizzy.”
She had done enough thinking. She was done thinking. She couldn’t stay. She didn’t care what happened anymore. So, ruin it was. She reached for the carriage handle and her hand trembled, but not with fear, instead with anticipation of finally truly choosing the thing she had longed for.
Lizzy was calm. Calmer than she had ever expected to be. With one last look at Hector, she momentarily, thought of the last moment she had ever kissed Hector passionately. The breathless whispering moan in his ear between those last few faltering kisses. Earlier, she had said to herself she could not recall the moment her feelings for him had started to sway, but she knew now it had been then. When she tried to push down those first exhilarating feelings rising in her chest for Theo. Tried to push them down with her caresses of Hectors cheek and fingertips in his dark brown hair, towing the line between possession and surrender. Closing her eyes, she only saw those clear blue eyes haunting her, almost taunting her to delude herself into thinking she felt nothing for him. There had been no mistaking it. His name had been as clear as day. Whispered it in Hector’s ear like reflex or word vomit. It rolled off the tongue so naturally. And it broke them apart then just as it was breaking apart now, and had been breaking them apart slowly over the past year. And if things were truly honest between them, Lizzy thinks Hector hated her right then. And every moment after that has been a fight for his life, to prove he does not. She could see now that he thinks this is the moment, the hatred truly starts. That he is wondering why she has to go dragging up things when they could be so happy if she just tried and kept her promise. And maybe they could have been. But she was evoking the only name she knew would ruin everything and undo this all ending the façade. So his final thought must be that he is fool. A fool for ever agreeing to bring her here.
Lizzy ripped her hand from Hector's and ran out into the rain, she didn’t look back, gathering her skirts, the hem already damp, Tintagel loomed tall and elegant and somewhat unforgiving, possibly ready to pass judgment on her as she entered its halls. She felt his eyes before she even saw him in the drizzle. High above, in the uppermost window, her lover had stood watching everything. Beautiful intoxicating Theo, stood in silhouette. She would recognize his shape anywhere. His hand rested against the window, as if he could reach though the pane, through the choices that had brought them here. Their eyes met across this impossible space and soon he was gone from there and she ran faster, because step was a declaration.
I’ll always think of you.
Always love you.
Always want, only you.
They collided in the foyer, embracing. Theo lifted his finger and touched her lips, looking her in wonder like he could hardly believe his eyes. Like she wasn’t real. Slowly he kissed her.
“Don’t stop,” Lizzy moaned.
“Is it you? Theo said. So breathless, “Is it really you come back to me?”
“Yes,” Lizzy said. Her voice was thick with longing, and she wondered what ever made her think she could have survived without this. Even for a moment. His lips burned a trail down her throat, each breath between them heavy with need. She clung to him like she couldn’t bear the distance, and he was just as desperate. Dragging her into another room, his fingers fumbled with the buttons of her dress, each second dragging and maddening. He needed her bare, needed to feel her with nothing between them.
Her breath caught as he exposed her, the dress falling open to reveal skin. She trembled under his touch but didn’t shy away. It was like a second nature. She leaned into it, into him, like he was the only thing anchoring her to this moment. When his mouth closed over her nipple, her gasp broke into a moan, and her body arched, begging. His hands gripped her hips, holding her steady as he tasted her, suckled her, slow at first. Reverent, then deeper, more demanding. Theo couldn’t help it. She tasted like everything he’d ever craved. He could never get enough of her. He worshipped her.
Lizzy could barely breathe. The heat of his mouth, the pull of it, sent fire racing through her veins. She wasn’t sure where she ended and he began. She held his head to her, fingers threading through his hair, grounding herself in the rhythm of his touch. He growled softly against her skin, not words, just want and the sound of it flooded her with more heat. Her body answered without thinking, hips rocking gently against him, seeking more, needing more.
His need for her wasn’t hidden. it was in every movement, every sound, every shudder that passed between them. And it made her feel wild and beautiful and wanted and seen, like every time was the first time they had truly seen one another.
He pulled back just enough to look at her, his eyes somehow both cloudy and clear as ice, like a dangerous storm, hungry, but wide with something softer too, something that nearly undid her. It wasn’t just desire. It was awe. It was her name whispered like a vow.
“Lizzy…” he breathed, as if saying her name was the only thing keeping him from falling apart. She cupped his cheek, and in that look, in that breathless, trembling heartbeat, she knew he was saying he could not go on if she ever left him again, not even for a moment.
“I’m having your baby, Theo,” Lizzy whispered. She’d never walk away from him again.
She couldn’t think, of anything else but the look on his face when she told him. She didn’t want to. Didn’t want to think of his Hector’s judgement or of Nan’s, of what Mabel would think. Of what Theo’s mother might do to keep them from apart. Her parent's shame. The vicious gossip from society. The newspaper articles that would be written. There was only the press of him, the taste of him, the desperate, beautiful ache between her thighs growing with every breath. Her fingers slid into his hair, pulling him closer, deeper, whispering his name like a prayer. Every touch, every sigh, every unspoken word between them burned with the same truth. They needed this, needed each other, like one needed to breathe the air. And now this baby would tie them together for eternity. A true and living testament of their unstoppable love. It was too late to think about consequences. About the laws of gods or the laws of men. If this was ruin, then give them ruin and everything and everyone else be damned.