Chapter Text
Emily had thought about this several times through the years. The thought of entering a new environment and potentially endangering the people within it had plagued her thoughts for years. Until she was finally comfortable enough to slowly bring down the walls.
She only started three months ago. Now look at what had happened.
She is sitting in an apartment in Paris, all alone while her friends are mourning her. Well, she hopes they are. She hopes they consider, no - considered, her a friend. Because to the people she was closest to and the world she is dead.
Emily Prentiss is dead.
Yet, she had been hopeful. When JJ had given her several new identities she thought about all the new possibilities. About letting her guard down. But that’s not what happened; that’s not what is happening.
Even though she has several identities, she has never felt so hollow, so empty. All the hope of starting fresh fizzled out, leaving her a void of any feelings. The nightmares didn’t help either. Most nights she’d wake up in a cold sweat, turning to grab her gun off of the bedside table. Just for the realization to hit her. She’s in Paris alone and not in the warehouse facing her worst fear - well, maybe not her worst.
No, her worst fear is having to watch her friends be killed because of her. She would sacrifice herself and some to never watch her friends die. She would go through the most horrific death to protect them. Because in the end - they all have more to live for than her. People who love them, children, families who cared about them.
She didn’t. She had no one. Nothing.
Even the person who she loves doesn’t love her back; probably never will. And she can’t even tell her because it’s too late.
Emily doesn’t think about that because even though she’d rather feel something then feel nothing - this is something she’d rather not feel. So she continues to sit in her apartment, feeling nothing and with the walls up higher than they have ever been.
Because Emily is dead. To everyone. And to herself.
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JJ hadn’t expected to feel so much pain. So much grief - not since Ros died.
Will had tried to help, tried to get her to cope in a healthy way. But she just boxed up her feelings and pushed them to the back of her mind.
Her and Penelope had tried to do girl’s nights because in Pen’s words ‘we need something to look forward to’. But when JJ arrived at Penelope’s place, all she felt was an overwhelming sense of sadness and longing. JJ had poured two glasses of wine - not three - put on a rom-com and sat in her usual seat and tried not to think about the empty corner of the couch that would never be filled. She ignored the way that Penelope’s eyes kept drifting to that space. She ignored the silent tears that ran down her cheeks when she didn’t hear a sarcastic comment about how the rom-com is unrealistic. She ignored the sorrow that passed through her when Sergio curled up in her lap. And she ignored the void.
Because acknowledging the void meant that Emily was really gone and she wasn’t coming back.
After several more failed girl’s nights, they had given up. The nights hadn’t filled them with anything but more sadness over what - who - they had lost.
The team had also tried to go out for drinks one evening after a successful case. It didn’t work because everyone tried to drown their grief in the alcohol they were buying.
Round after round everyone got more and more quiet, the only sound you could hear was the sound of glass clinking on the wooden table when glasses were put down too forcefully and the other patrons in the bar.
After one hour, Penelope had started sobbing. All she kept saying was that it didn’t feel right, that she wasn’t here and that it was wrong. She never named Emily. JJ knew why. She still struggled with it too sometimes.
After Penelope said she was going home and picked up her purse, Derek stood up and decided to ride with her saying he was going to make sure she was ok. JJ didn’t hear the rest of it. She didn’t really listen to anything that Derek had to say these days. She’d heard what he had said about Emily when they were trying to find her and she was disgusted. Disgusted by the fact he had said it about Emily. Emily, who had stood by him when he was arrested when she didn’t properly know him. Emily, who had protected him in the field too many times. Emily, who was his partner.
Emily, who ran away to protect him and the team.
How could she respect him after that? How could she look him in the eye? So she stuck to ignoring him - not in the field - but in every other aspect of their lives. He had tried to apologise several times, but every single time she cut him off and said that he was not to talk to her about anything but work. He had stuck to that since.
After Penelope and Derek left, she decided to call it a night. Rossi then offered to drive her home. Every fibre in her wanted to say no, but she said yes. Not because she wanted him to, but because she could see the hope in his eyes after only seeing sadness in them for so long. So they said their goodbyes to Hotch and left the bar.
The drive to JJ’s house was silent. Not an uncomfortable silence, it was a silence that said they understood each other’s pain. They had both loved her, albeit in different ways. Rossi had loved her like a daughter and JJ had loved her like she was the sun. Although she would never admit it.
When they arrived at JJ’s house, Rossi turned off the engine and turned to face her. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, he just created an environment that allowed her to breathe and sit in her feelings rather than boxing them up. After those minutes were up, he wiped away her tears and told her to take care of herself. JJ hadn’t even realise she was crying, so she had just nodded and got out of the car and entered her house.
And for the first time in months, she felt a bit lighter. Even just for a second.
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The failed girls night and the bar had happened a month ago now. In that time she had left the State Department and had rejoined the BAU. At first she felt guilty for taking Emily’s spot, but Hotch had reassured her and said that this is what Emily would have wanted.
The grief was still overwhelming, but she had found ways to cope. Wether they are healthy ways, she wasn’t sure. But they take her mind off of the sadness she felt, so its good enough.
One of her coping mechanisms is hunting Doyle.
Everyday after work, she sits with Derek and Penelope (Pen being the buffer) and goes over the possible whereabouts of Doyle and they dig deeper into Emily’s time undercover. Although, some of the stuff the three of them uncover is painful, like finding out more about Declan.
They found out about who he is, where he lives, his current guardian and how Emily helped him. They put a pin in digging into Declan’s life though. They want to protect him like Emily did, so they make sure he stays hidden and isn’t talked about any further.
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When she gets in the office, there is a new tension in the air. She knows why, everyone does. Hotch had given them a heads up a week ago that he is going to sit everyone down individually for a ‘check-in’. She ignores the pointed look she gets from Rossi, and sits down at her desk and starts on some paperwork.
Rossi has been almost looking out for her after the time he dropped her off at her house and she cried in his car. He gets her coffee in the morning, offers to finish paperwork for her and pairs himself up with her in the field. He was even a confidant during her split with Will.
He was doing all the things Emily would usually do for her.
She shakes the thought as Hotch walks down the stairs and ushers Derek into his office. She can see the tension emanating off of Derek as he walks his way up to Hotch’s office. Even through her anger, she knows this is going to be difficult for him. He was the one to find Emily in the warehouse. She thinks about the guilt he must be feeling. Selfishly, she’s grateful that it wasn’t her because she knows that she wouldn’t be able to handle it as well as him.
As each of her team members are called into Hotch’s office, her anxiousness grows and she becomes more nervous. Nobody knows about her feelings, about how her feelings extended beyond platonic towards Emily because she hasn’t even fully accepted it herself. She only started accepting it after Emily’s death.
She then had to accept that she was too late. That Emily died not knowing.
She’s snapped out of her haze as Hotch calls her name. She slowly gets off her chair and makes her way up to his office. As she sits down on one of the couches in the far corner of the room, she looks expectantly at Hotch who takes a seat on the couch opposite her.
“I understand that you don’t want to be here.” He starts. “But I need to make sure that you are fit to be in the field.”
“I’m fine.” JJ says too quickly, the crack in her voice gave her away.
“JJ, I need you to understand that it’s okay not to be. And that it’s okay to talk to someone.” Hotch hesitates. “I know that your feelings regarding Emily are making it difficult for you.”
The way he says ‘feelings’ confuses JJ and the look he follows up with further confuses her. He can’t know, can he? She is sure she has kept her feelings hidden recently and considering she ignored them before, he can’t know.
“What do you mean?” JJ’s voice wavers slightly, but she keeps going. “Emily was my friend, nothing more.”
Hotch sighs. “Through the years, I’ve seen the way you and Emily have interacted. At first I thought you were being welcoming. Then after she settled in I thought it was a close friendship, but as time went on the way you two looked at each other exceeded friendship. As well as how protective you were of each other. I understand that on this team we are protective of each other, but the way you two behaved when the other was in danger exceeded other bonds in the team.”
JJ sat in silence as she processed what he just said. She hadn’t expected anyone to suspect anything, she didn’t think there was anything to suspect. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before finally coming up with the words to say.
“Maybe my feelings towards her went beyond platonic. But this isn’t what this meeting is about.” With that she crossed her arms over her chest.
Hotch nodded and continued asking her questions about how she’s doing, if she’s considered seeing a therapist. Each answer JJ gave ended with the same two words ‘I’m fine.’ Maybe she was to an extent. But in reality, every time she thought about Emily she could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Whenever she walked into the bullpen she kept hoping she’d see that smile she misses, or hoping that maybe she’d have a cup of coffee waiting for her on her desk that came from the place Emily stopped at every morning.
As Hotch asks for the tenth time a form of the question ‘are you okay’ JJ snaps. “No Hotch, I’m not fine! Every time I hear someone walk through those doors, for a split second I hope it’s her. Every time I walk past her picture on the wall I think about if maybe I’d known I could have talked her down from leaving. Every time Henry mentions his Auntie Emmy I can feel tears stream down my cheeks because I can’t bring myself to tell him that she’s gone. I keep thinking about how she died protecting us - me. So no, I’m not ok or even close to it because whenever I’m even remotely happy, I feel guilty. Because she’s not here to feel that.” She’s almost positive that people can hear her outside, but she continues anyway. “And every goddamn time someone knocks on my door, I open it hoping that it’s her. Even when I know it’s not. And you know what I don’t get? Is how you can sit here and ask me about how I am when I am almost positive you don’t even know how you are. I don’t get how you can walk past her picture on that wall and not even look at it.” She can feel tears streaming down her face. Has she been crying this entire time? She can’t be. She can’t cry in front of someone else.
With that, she exits Hotch’s office without looking at him. When she gets outside, heads turn towards her with looks of pity on their faces. She can’t bear those looks. Not when it won’t bring Emily back. So, she runs down the stairs towards the bathroom.
When she reaches the bathroom, she slides down onto the floor against the door. The tears are streaming freely now as she sobs. She buries her face in her hands as her emotions overflow. She tells herself that she can’t cry, not when the person who would usually comfort her isn’t here.
She’s alone, sobbing in a bathroom while the love of her life is lying in a coffin buried six feet in the ground (or so she thinks). And she can’t even tell her she loves her because it’s too late.
She doesn’t know how to do this, how to get through this. She wants Emily. She needs Emily.
But JJ can’t get what she wants or what she needs.
Because Emily Prentiss is dead.
Jennifer Jareau is dead as well - Just to herself.