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He laid in his arms as though his body was fitted for them. The taller man circled his waist and shoulder, kissing the top of his head as the brunette rested his cheek against the warm chest.
Will kept his eyes closed, enjoying the moment while it could still last. He was torn within, a dilemma ripping him to shreds as each day was another lie, every moment like these a betrayal to his friends. Will laid with the enemy, the man they were trying to defeat. And he never felt as good as he did when he was in his arms.
During the day, he was in Hawkins, living the lifestyle the military had forced upon Hawkins. He biked to school, came back before curfew, met at the radio station with his friends and his brother. A beat of life which he adapted to, that wouldn’t cause any problem if it wasn’t for the fact that Hawkins was quarantined because of the man now holding him.
The reason he came back to Hawkins, the reason the military invaded the streets, the reason he met with everyone at the radio station was to take down the man Will had grown to love.
By night, Will smothered down the guilt to allow himself, just for a moment, to really be understood by someone. It wasn’t as if he didn’t resist it at first. He thoroughly fought back Henry’s advances. Their first few nightly conversations were mostly arguing. But after a couple nights, Will opened his mind and listened to what Henry had to say. And then he opened his heart and listened to what it had to say.
Henry understood him like no one ever did before.
While Jonathan had welcomed Will with open arms, it wasn’t as if Will could simply accept and confess that easily. His sexuality had been a struggle from his earliest years. When he realized his father had been right about him, the whole world crumbled under his feet and he fell into a hole he never thought of getting out. He told himself he would keep on living his life while repressing it, all this shame. Sometimes he was tempted, when Jonathan told him he would always love him no matter what - it was like a tangible light he could cling on. But once more, the hatred that had been forced to the deepest part of himself yanked him back before he could ever think of admitting to it. No one could know, he refused it. He hated himself for it, how could anyone love him after that?
Henry did.
Henry showed it. Henry could understand. Henry was just like him. He knew what it was like to be different, to live as an anomaly, a mistake, a monster. And while the man once terrified him and inspired nothing but hatred, Will learnt to discover the human behind. A human that was way more similar than he could’ve ever thought.
Henry was helping him to, for a moment, not hate himself. While he laid in his arms and received his kisses, he couldn’t think about his shame, or his fathers words. He could only think about the fact that someone loved him, not in spite of - but because of who he was. Henry loved Will wholly and entirely. He was never afraid of showing it, or saying it.
So even if after the nights he spent with his enemy, he felt like a betrayer, at least he got a break of his own hatred for a moment. He knew he had to come back and face everyone else, pretending like he wanted to kill him as much as they did. He knew he was behaving like a filthy traitor, the shame of being the way he was doubled with the shame of, in a way, loving who he was while he was kissing the enemy.
He thought himself selfish, to have allowed himself to fall for him despite what he had done. He was selfish to put love before the well being of others. But he couldn’t help it. Perhaps that was the fiery passion people so often spoke about. The passion, he felt. With every kiss, every touch, every time he didn’t hate himself, every time he was valued. Within Henry’s eyes, he was the most important person in the world. Passion had robbed him from his mind, kept him from thinking, he was addicted to it.
So how could he say no to it, when it felt this good? Henry scented his hair, laid another kiss on his head. Will lifted his head up to smile, looking at the face of his secret lover.
Henry kissed his forehead, then the tip of his nose.
“My beautiful..”
Being gay had never been so good. It wasn’t a sin with Henry, it was beautiful. It was what allowed them to live this love.
A teasing hand made its way down Will’s back, squeezing lightly as it reached down the waist.
“Are you aware of how much I desire you” he said with a whisper, the hand now trying to slip past the fabric of Will’s pants.
Will tensed in his arms “wait..”
Henry stopped, inquisitive with his gaze.
“Not.. there” Will scrambled away. He stood up, wishing he could still have Henry’s arms around him in this instant.
Henry sat down, confusion on his face.
“Is there something wrong?” He reached for Will’s hand, holding his fingers with his own, caressing him with a soft gesture only Will was allowed to receive.
“I..” he frowned deeply, conflicted and mostly angry. At himself because, while he wanted to abandon himself to Henry, he refused to let himself just enjoy the good thing coming to him. He thought of himself as whimsy, fragile. But he also felt angry at Henry, because his fear of intimacy came from him.
It was he who once let the mind flayer assault him. The feeling of the monster invading his body never left, and while it was the sole reason why he could even have this connection with Henry and meet with him every night, it was also the source of his deepest scars. He feared going further, he feared the ache, he feared something touching, entering his body. Even the person he loved. Because the one he loved was partly responsible for it.
“I can’t forget, Henry. I can’t forget the.. the feeling of this thing.. in me”
“Will.. I would never hurt you”
“You did, though. I’m sorry Henry, but you did”
“The shadow has its own intentions..”
“Do you understand that it.. it entered me, Henry. I felt it everywhere. In every cell in my body. It hurt, it hurt so much” tears came easily to his eyes as he recalled the events. The assault had been brutal, invasive and unforgettable. His body still perceived the effects of it years later. His sexuality wasn’t the same as the other boy his age. While they each had sex with their girlfriends, Will was still dealing with the sensation that his body didn’t belong to him. He had been so - helpless. Like he was just an envelope, easy to fill and control. Not only had the penetration been brutal, what it forced him to do was even more. His own voice was used to kill, his own hand choked his mother. He was robbed of his autonomy and control. Surrendering it and allowing anyone else inside was the most terrifying thing he could ever think of doing.
Henry sat down, encircled his wrist and with a pull brought Will’s waist towards him. He hugged him, face in his stomach.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry it hurt you. I should’ve never let it happen” he said in his shirt. “I love you so much. I don’t want anything like this to happen again. Tell me what I have to do to make you feel better, I’ll do anything”
“I don’t know, Henry. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel better”
“I can help you. Let me”
“How?”
Henry didn’t say a word. He laid down, supporting his back on pillows as to uplift his upper body. He waited passively.
“I won’t touch you. You go, at your own pace”
Will looked at him, confused, but a smile teased the corner of his lips and a last tear escaped from his eye.
“What?” He said with a quiet sheepish laugh.
“You’re afraid of sexuality, intimacy. So I’m letting you go freely, go at your rhythm, explore, play”
“I.. I don’t know even- I mean how do I..”
“Just get up here” Henry tapped the bed under him softly, inviting Will. He obeyed hesitantly, climbing back beside Henry.
“Undress me”
Will swallowed, Henry stayed immobile. He was nervous but his hands reacted on their own. He wanted to see. He had never seen Henry shirtless before. And while he wasn’t ready to take the step further yet, he still wanted to admire his lover in his entirety.
He unbuttoned one button after the other, slowly revealing the pale skin underneath. Henry was rather skinny, rather pale like he had been starved and kept from the sun for a long time. He stared at his chest for a moment.
“You can touch” Henry said softly, prompting Will’s hands to lay on the skin. He was soft, a little cold, but Henry’s all too human reaction is what made Will smile. He jumped slightly as his hands ran across his ribs, ticklish under the gentle fingertips.
Will pushed each side of his shirt past his shoulders to see his collarbones and wide stature better. He wasn’t the most muscular man, but his arms were big enough and his shoulders broad. He did not take the shirt off completely, Henry’s chest was sufficiently revealed for Will to feel satisfied.
What made him the most nervous was the part below the waist, the lower part of his body which reacted to Will’s sensual caresses. Henry’s arousal had awoken the part yet unexplored by Will. He glanced at it, then looked away as blush spread like wildfire over his cheeks.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to touch there yet, you can take your time, there is no rush”
Will responded with a tight nod. He wasn’t as afraid as he thought he’d be. Perhaps it was Henry’s passivity and patience, all while knowing nothing could happen to him. Intimacy wasn’t what he was afraid of, it seemed. Touching Henry felt natural, it felt good. He could touch a man, another man - without shame. There was no breast to squeeze or soft skin, it was all muscles, angular and sharp, flat and rough, a male’s body. That’s what Will loved.
He licked his lips, mouth dry with nervousness and anticipation. He slowly dipped his hand past the waistband of Henry’s pants. He let his fingers explore, touching, palming. It throbbed softly between his fingertips, and there was no fear within him.
————
Henry had let Will play until he became comfortable with the notion of touching another man. The next step was for Will to allow himself to be touched, which was the trickiest part.
Henry made himself available for Will to explore his sexuality without fear or shame, as a way to help him reconnect after the trauma he had inflicted. He hadn’t sensed the repercussions of it while his fingers were interlaced around Henry’s intimacy, but what would it be like once the roles were reversed?
Will tried to give it a shot the next night. But after the first couple caresses he ended up backing away. It wasn’t so bad at all, he knew it could’ve gone further, he just didn’t want to rush too fast and end up regretting. Henry agreed, one step at a time he said.
Touching above clothes became without, it remained that way for a little while. Henry didn’t remind him of the mind flayer, it was very different. Nothing was brutal, he was all softness and delicacy, taking his time to run his hands across his body, kissing down his neck and chest. His tongue felt like velvet as opposed to the cold vine that had once been in there, followed by the aggressive swirls of the shadow monster.
They explored each other’s bodies in different ways, but never going beyond the line traced by Will. He accepted Henry fondling, then brushing over the sensitive entrance without penetrating within.
After a couple nights, progressively getting used to it, Will gave his accord to try it out. Henry promised that, the very moment he would feel uncomfortable, they’d stop everything.
———
His eyes were closed. He focused all of his senses on Henry, the way his hand brushed over his thigh, the sound of his breathing while he kissed his neck. He apprehended what they were about to do, but he finally felt ready to face the thing that scarred him after all those years.
Everything was within Henry’s control now, and Will trusted him fully. He let himself lay across the soft bed, uncovered and at his mercy. His body bare for Henry to see, reach, touch. Between them, all around; the thing that made them one. Connected by the entity who once inserted itself forcefully inside of him. The same entity was now under the sole control of Henry’s volition. It was like a cloud, insubstantial, just wispy cold threads dancing across his skin. A light breeze swirled around him, then it got inside slowly and gradually. He opened his eyes when it started entering, at first panicked, almost ordering Henry to stop it from going further. He didn’t want it to grow aggressive, to keep going until it became like the assault that day on the field. But nothing such happened. It was nothing more than flimsy black smoke surrounding him. His gaze stopped between his legs, where the thread of matter entered. He felt the stream in his stomach, like butterflies roaming around, a flood submerged him. It feels good.
“More” he heard himself mutter to Henry. He quivered as the smoke went towards his nose, his mouth, he inhaled and welcomed it, surrendering to the waves coming. It fluttered in his limbs, in his blood, at the depth of his stomach. He felt it in his throat and in every places that felt good. It was both nothing and everything at once. It was like being underwater, in the deepest parts of the ocean. Where he couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, couldn’t move. Every gesture was slow, time suspended all around him as the only thing that enwreathed his body was both cold and comforting. It ran deep, came in waves, but everything was still and peaceful. The multiple tendrils of smoke crept into his body and sent him in a state of quietude where nothing scared him. It was the most connected to his own body than he ever did before. He could finally understand it, feel it, feel the blood running through his veins, feel the heart pumping, the mind flayer didn’t rob him from himself, it didn’t forcefully take control over him; it helped Will feel the most at peace with his own envelope than he had ever been. He did not choke and stayed paralyzed, he clung to the sheets, his back lifting up, thighs spreading further apart. The sound of his panting filled the room, Henry ground him with his touch, and once he was sent to cloud nine, he caught him right back and embraced him. With a kiss on his forehead he asked how he felt.
Will, with a lazy smile said it was the best he had ever been.