Chapter 1: The Voice
Chapter Text
The last thing I feel is my arms aching and straining, clinging to her with all of the will I have left. A searing, ripping pain pushes its way through my body, and everything fades from there.
Huh.
I’ve thought about my death my entire life. I could never pick a sensation to get attached to, to know I could escape to. I didn’t deserve paradise, but my brain and skin felt worse than any torment anybody could guilt me with. Somehow, this is better. Better than all of these ideas.
I never thought emptiness would feel this nice. I never thought I could feel so…
Hm…
I’m not exactly happy, but I’m not crushed either. There’s… nothing. There’s nothing to feel, nothing to care about, nothing to lose. Nothing to see, nowhere to go. No reason to worry or stress. No one to let down or impress. After all, there’s nothing for me to do to anybody anymore anyways. I’ve fought as hard as I can. There’s nothing to redeem and nothing to celebrate.
Just comforting endlessness…
…
…until a voice assaults me back into thought.
“INTERESTING. VERY, VERY INTERESTING.”
…what the shit??
“YOU DID EVERYTHING AS EXPECTED. NO RECORDED ERRORS. WHAT A FUN EXPERIMENT.”
???
“I AM PROUD OF YOU, BUT I WONDER IF THERE IS ANOTHER POSSIBLE OUTCOME.”
????????????????????????????
I can’t see or touch or smell or taste. All I know anymore is this voice. I only have vague imagery of a tight hug with a purple lizard monster… purple lizard monster, with an axe. A hug..?
Somehow the voice can tell I’m struggling with this.
“UNUSUAL. LET ME SHOW YOU OF THE FINAL ACTS OF THE KNIGHT AND THE DRAGON.”
Show me?? I have no body. I have no mouth with which to respond. No eyes with which to see.
But something in my soul stirs…
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…fading from the darkness is a different voice, one filled with rage and DETERMINATION. She’s panting, exhausted.
”IS THAT ALL YOU GOT????”
Susie’s face comes back to me and so do the rest of the sights and sounds of those final moments. We were surrounded by statues and corpses… I felt a pang of grief but I didn’t have the luxury of mourning. We had been battling an onslaught of towering, unthinking beings with wings for hair and bright lights for faces. I was covered in sweat and blood. I saw more blood highlighting her pink hair like a sloppy dye job and her long face was dripping wet, glistening in the light this thing cast.
The thing responded by closing its hair around its face, snuffing out its light for now.
No more sights, but still too much. The air was dark and thick, and the smells of blood and smoke assaulted my nose. My ears rang from the sound of screams, but they had faded out by now. My body ached and strained to stay upright.
Shit, shit shit SHIT!!! They’re all gone they’re all gone… Every darkener I had created and every friend I ever had was gone. The other human, Noelle, Berdly, Catti, Jockington, Carol, my mom, my dad, Asriel… And still there was no Dess. NO FUCKING DESS. The dark worlds were supposed to help us find her!! They were supposed to make things right!! I was supposed to make things right!! If I had known that I would just make another life threatening mistake I would’ve… I would’ve…
I collapsed and burst into screaming tears. There’s no point in hypotheticals, I’ve fucked up way too hard to entertain anything other than this twisted reality I've caused. I panted and yelled and beat my chest like that would fix anything. Because I know how the prophecy goes and somehow me and Susie fucking broke it. All of the heroes are dead. This is it.
After running out of breath I noticed Susie’s own cries had been blending with mine. It was still dark, the thing was still recharging, but it had been dormant too long to get cozy.
“…it’s over…” I wheezed out. “Susie it’s over, there’s nothing we can do here…”
Her roar vibrated through me.
Nothing else to say there. I was awestruck that we were here, giving up together. From victim and tormentor to the Knight and the Dragon… if only anyone else was around to appreciate how weird that sounds…
“DAMNIT KRIS, I KNOW!!!!” She bellowed, her angry eyes becoming the only source of light. I heard a thud as she fell to her knees. “...I know. I know, everybody’s gone. Why didn’t you tell me anything.”
“..huh?”
“Why. Didn’t. You. Tell. Me. You think I’m too stupid to handle the truth? The prophecy? That you’re the one behind it all? That you and the mayor wanted to doom the fucking world to find one fucking girl-”
Susie’s rage cut my heart open.
“I… I… …please, please… Susie please believe-”
“BELIEVE WHAT??”
Next thing I knew she had tackled me further into the ground than I knew I could sink. My tunic was balled into her fists as her hot breath enveloped me, and just like always, I went slack. I gave in to her threat, despite knowing her teeth really would tear my face from my skull this time.
The light of the thing’s face illuminates her teeth and jaw for a split second before she backs away and turns toward it.
“...damnit.”
She dropped me.
“...look, this is gonna sound insane, but…”
She looked me in the eyes. Her mask of rage had completely lowered, for there was no more audience to perform for. Tears welled up in her eyes.
“...can you… can you hold me?”
…huh?
“...I know we both don’t deserve it but… I’m scared, Kris. I’m so-” she choked. “I’m so fucking scared..”
Maybe this is how I redeem myself, in some small way.
I rise up and wrap her in a hug. Everything hurts, but her grip is strong enough to numb the aches. A searing, ripping pain pushes through us…
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And then I’m back in the nothingness.
If I had a chest to feel with and eyes to cry with I’m sure I’d be choked up, but even though I know everybody involved in that memory I can’t help but feel like I’m watching a play. Still, my soul stirs.
“VERY INTERESTING… YOU APPEAR UNATTACHED.”
I mean, I guess so.
“IN THE INTEREST OF THIS NEXT EXPERIMENT, I HAVE AN OFFER FOR YOU.”
…huh?
“I DO NOT LIKE THIS STORY’S END. THIS IS NOT A SATISFYING OUTCOME. BUT WE COULD CHANGE IT, YOU AND I. I HAVE MADE CONTACT WITH A VERY SPECIAL SOMEONE. THEY WON’T LIKE THIS END EITHER. DO YOU?”
No. I’m surprised at my conviction, but no.
“INTERESTING. MY STRANGE, STRANGE HYPOTHESIS IS MADE POSITIVE.”
What??
“DIGEST THIS POSSIBILITY. I WILL REACH YOU WHEN YOUR CONCLUSIONS ARE REQUIRED.”
What the fuck does that mean…?
And then the voice is gone. Back to silence. If I could think or strategize I still would have no idea what the fuck to do with all of this information. It’s really fucking weird, but I guess I do remember how to feel. After this flashback, the only thing cutting through the nothingness is conviction. Stubbornness. Will.
DETERMINATION.
I need to see something else. I need a different flashback. I need to start over. Why?? Fuck knows!!
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I guess the voice notices this because suddenly I’m faced with a gray human. An amorphous entity is whispering in its ear and playing with its clothes and hair. If I’m a step away from nothingness, the gray one is practically a husk.
Seeing this, I am called into action. Suddenly I have a voice. Suddenly I can mould this darkness. Whoever this husk is supposed to be does not matter. I understand the voice’s offer now. There is only one person who can make this right. And whoever whispers into this husk does not need them to help me on my quest.
“THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. YOUR ANSWERS. YOUR WONDERFUL CREATION-”
But I know exactly how they can help me.
“Will now be discarded. No one can choose who they are in this world.
Your name is…”
Chapter 2: The Knife
Notes:
EEEEEEEEE I have an idea of where this is going and I'm sosososo excited to keep dig into the angst!!! Hope you enjoy :D
Chapter Text
Kris.
I hover above my(...?) bed and gaze upon my(....?) sleeping form. I’m in my(???) bedroom. It’s comforting, all of my semifictional concert posters and random sheet music tattooed with hand-drawn memes taped to the wall are still here, so are all the horror mascot figurines on my shelves.
I’ve dissociated before but this is another level. I can see my(?) chest rise and fall as I breathe, and my mouth is wide open, filling my room with snoring.
I don’t remember how to breathe anymore. I’ve forgotten a lot.
It took time to get used to my new form but I’ve almost got the hang of it. I’ve turned into an edgy trans teenager’s wet dream, and I should know! This is better than any physical transition plans I’ve ever considered. I don’t know what I’m made of but it's definitely not flesh. I’m not really solid, or even liquid for that matter. I’m dark as shadow and thrice as mobile. I can have hands or claws if I so choose and I think I can fly! I haven’t tested that out yet but I can float around slightly above ground, which is neat. Whatever I’ve become makes this whole thing much easier, cause even though I’ve always been stealthy that skill’s been BUFFED.
While my new form is super cool, I don't really know why I’m here of all places. I’ve somehow claimed something's soul, but I don’t know where it is or how I came to in the middle of my backyard, least of all why I’m like this now.
All I’m sure of is my need to change the future. There’s only one person I can persuade into preventing everything from happening and right now all they’re doing is letting me know that my hearing remains sharp as ever.
Sigh . No wonder Azzy’s got ear plugs, I’m(?) snoring so fucking loud. Maybe if I can get mysel-. Nope, I don’t like saying that. Can’t tell why. Hm. If I can get… Kris… to survive in this universe or timeline or whatever, maybe I can make… them… see a doctor about that noise. But waking them up will have to do for now.
“…Kris.” I struggle to whisper. Ugh, for not having a throat it’s kinda painful to speak.
Kris doesn’t budge. Fucker. I brace for the pain and whisper again.
“Hey. Kris. Wake up.”
Kris stirs and groans, blinking a bit before closing their eyes again.
Alright, I’m fed up, I reach out and shake them like a ragdoll.
“AHFUCK!!” they scream, and I immediately pull away for fear of my own strength and of waking up mom.
Kris bolts upright on the bed and crouches against the wall, eyes wide open and fixed on me. Shaking, they pull out their knife and point it at me, panting almost as loud as they snored. Angel, this is fucking surreal.
In a stroke of familiarity I instinctively manifest a knife and point it at them. I’m not paying attention to my body or appearance right now but I guess I have a mouth because I can feel that I’m grinning.
“…whatthefuck…” Kris whispers. “Go away. I know how to kill you with this. Either fight me or fuck off.”
I awkwardly chuckle. It comes out all distorted and almost staticky, freaking Kris out even more.
“Oh please,” I squeeze out. “I’m not one of your siblings or family friends, but I don’t wanna hurt you. I know all your moves anyways.”
“LIAR.” Kris hisses. “Come closer and I’ll fucking kill you .”
“Bull. You and I know we don’t use that knife for self defense…” I’m trying my best to sound gentle. I’m obviously sympathetic to this subject; I’m not sure if I can feel pain anymore but I can’t forget how that blade cuts. I must sell my tone here because everything else about me is apparently nightmare fuel.
Their eyes soften with recognition. It worked.
We both lower our knives. Kris puts theirs back in their pocket. I stop concentrating on mine and for all I care it might've ceased to exist.
“...what do you mean ‘we’? …and how do you know about that?” Kris winces, turning their wrists inwards to defend against painful memories.
“I know you.” I glance behind me to check the bed on the other side of the room. “If Azzy’s gone and you’ve given yourself scars, that means you’ve got dysphoria on top of being socially isolated on top of feeling guilty over December?” I count each of these burdens on my fingers.
I can tell they feel seen- no, worse. Exposed. Can’t blame them.
“...are you her? Her ghost? What the fuck are you, fucking freak?” they hiss.
“ Shit , what do I look like? I haven’t seen a mirror yet.”
“...what do you…? There’s one closer to the end of the hall. Wait wait wait, how’d you even get in-”
“Oh yeah!! Thanks dude.”
Damn, I think I literally just went back in time, not to an alternate dimension or anything! Or if this is my very own AU, then at least my house is the same. I think.
I float out into the hall, phasing through the door. I can hear mys- Kris gasp. The mirror is just to the right, like they said. Fuck me, I missed this hallway. I finally catch my reflection.
Oh.
OH.
WOW. No wonder Kris freaked out. I know I’ve been smiling but when I relax my “face,” my mouth looks like my eyes? Not like eyeballs, but like a visor or glint of light off a helmet. I guess the Knight role really sunk into me cause in addition to the helmet/eye thing I have shoulder pads as big as my head! These badass heroic elements are balanced with a skeletal body type. I’ve got a defined ribcage and pelvis with thin limbs. I can’t make out if I have anything fancy on my arms or legs and feet, it’s all dark. Even if I did have shoes, I’m happy to be floating around anyways, so no need for ‘em.
I mostly look dope as fuck, kinda like a ghost or a skeleton warrior, but two traits remind me of my business.
For one, my hands have holes in them. I can fill them in if I want, but they’re there by default. And of course, of course I have antlers coming off of my head or helmet or whatever. The beams and tines are longer, but they’re absolutely modelled after the Holidays. I’m not sure what the hands are supposed to tell me but I’d give myself antlers anyways if I had a say in this form. I won't forget.
*click*
Kris interrupts my brooding by turning the hallway light on. Their face is frozen in awe and horror at my corrupted swagger. “Jealous?” I ask with a smirk and a cocky pose.
“Kinda…” They give me a once-over before asking, “now what’s your deal?”
“Oh, I’m you, dude.”
I’m not sure if I should’ve been looking forward to or dreading this part, and I still don’t know how to feel when Kris’ face goes through 50 expressions in a second. Damn, if we weren’t the same person I might just be surprised they could emote like this at all.
“…how.”
That knowledge should be there, but it evades me for some reason. Shit. I’m gonna have to fill things in best I can and hope stuff comes to me. I go through the motions of a deep breath.
“You- um, I, died. Died trying to fulfill the prophecy. Carol and I thought that if I played the Knight, maybe the prophecy would bring Dess back so she could play the Second Hero, or any of the Heroes really. We all knew that the prophecy absolutely must happen , maybe we could speed it up or force it to happen to get her back. It didn’t work. We weren’t sure Dess or the prophecy even wanted her to be any hero anyway, and even if she was…”
My voice trails off and I look to the floor. “...somehow I fucked it all up. I fell for the kindness of the Dragon. I don’t remember anything about the Knight and the Dragon ever becoming friends. That can’t have been my only mistake but it’s the most obvious to me. When the end came, the Heroes were all gone. There was no saving the world. There was no saving Dess. No saving ourself or myselves or whatever the hell we’re calling each other. No saving anybody else.”
Kris’ face remains frozen.
Should I say something?? It’s really hard to remember how I was before Knighthood, and even worse I’m not sure if Kris and Carol have started making the plan yet. OH I really need to talk to Carol after this-
*click*
Kris turns the hallway light off, turns around, and goes back to their room. I wait a beat before floating through the door after them.
They flop on their back on top of their sheets. They bring their hands over their face and press on it. Their lips are squeezed together so tight that I could mistake their face for a muppet’s.
I float back into the hallway. There’s nothing I can do right now, they’ve got a lot of processing to do and it's just gonna get worse from here.
Welp, nothing else to do. No point in talking to Carol until Kris is down to work with me, so I decide pay my old SaturnStation 64 a visit. If I'm gonna be a weird warped being stuck in another world then I’m gonna take advantage of all the nostalgia I can, damnit.
I go to press the button to turn the TV on, but my hands phase through it??
Ok that’s really weird, I was able to shake Kris awake and able to make a knife out of thin air, so what the fuck is this? Is it a concentration thing..?
I channel my metaphorical brain power into my hands to press the button. I can feel a smooth plastic button push into the TV.
Ok sick!! I’m excited at the prospect of sneaking around like this, I’m not gonna be able to leave a trace like this!! Wow, I’m so fucking cool now. That makes all of the people I love dying horrifically feel just a liiiiittle bit better-
Oh nonononono I can’t think about that. Nonononono okokokok what else is around what else is around?? RIGHT, SATURNSTATION 64, FOCUS!!
I’ve pressed the TV button. Next I concentrate on my hands so they can lift the authentic controller… it works!! I grip the handles. The smooth and rough finishes of the different plastic panels feel like a hug. I wiggle the thumbsticks, then trace the outlines of the direction pad and buttons with my claws. Now to turn the thing on and change the TV channel…
I’m met with a blank screen. After spamming all the TV remote's buttons I crawl between Chairiel and the TV stand and paw at the wall, feeling for the outlet.
I finally find it and- ah. Right. It’s unplugged. I can’t tell if I also feel a shit ton of dust or if my hands are just weird.
Oh, who am I kidding? It’s not my hands.
It should’ve sunk in that I’m at this part of the timeline based on the scars and Asriel. If I had any say in when I’d be placed then I’d be giving Dess prophetic nightmares about digital cats. Guilt-ridden, overwhelmed Kris is my next best option.
I lay backwards, letting the controller fall on the rug with a *thud* and press my hands onto my face. I can see through them, the plain ceiling greeting me instead of the privacy I crave.
Oh, fucking hell…