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It went like this- first, Obito died.
A great hero sacrificed himself to save some trash like Kakashi. He didn't need to listen to others to know that this is what they were thinking. Hatake scum, finally after six years, cleared his war-mongering father’s name. Left a teammate behind to die but completed the mission. The minds of Kohona’s citizens were so fickle. One day someone was the loser and the other day hailed as a hero. Mob mentality. Kakashi was tired of it all.
Finally, when he felt like he should be punished for his sins, the citizens started smiling at him, letting him leave shops without curses muttering under their breaths. And when he had needed them to smile at his father they had spit at him, turned him away from their shops.
Back then, in his pettiness Kakashi had refused to ever patron shops that had turned away his father. After Obito’s death, he started frequenting them. But the sharp words, the cutting glances never came, and Kakashi left as he had come. Empty-handed.
Rin, for all the ways she claimed she had not loved Obito, sat with him near the memorial stone and wished for him to come back. Come back from the dead, leave the Pure Lands behind just to make their team whole again. Maybe if Obito could hear her right now, he would turn away from it all and return to her. Of course he would.
He knew Kushina-san had taken Obito’s death hardest. He was her and sensei’s favorite, always had been. Kakashi couldn't hold a candle to Obito’s charm. Every old lady needing help with her grocery was a direct affront. How dare the world go on.
For all Minato-sensei and Kushina-san pretend that nothing was wrong, that he just didn't let Obito die. The more Kakashi feels it. It wraps around them, in all the conversations they have, could be having, should most definitely have.
Kakashi blamed himself. How could he not? If he had not been so weak, it wouldn't have come to this. Fragmented team, losing their most important piece.
Then it turns out Obito was alive, kept captive by some old man.
That’s not how it went.
Again, first, Kakashi killed Rin. This time their team could be sure that she had died, since Kakashi had pierced straight through her heart, there was no coming back from that one. Obito saw Kakashi kill Rin, went ballistic and instead of killing Kakashi like the oath-breaking undeserving trash he was, Obito spared him.
Spared him from death, that is all.
There was no getting away from his own mind. Kakashi trundled along with Minato-sensei back to the village. Sensei personally looked overjoyed looking at Obito, and the next second there were tears in his eyes because he had lost another promising student.
He got one student back, just to lose another. Kakashi, being the worthless shinobi that he is, managed to stay alive through both tragedies. That was the true tragedy of their team, is all.
Obito is angry, to say the least. Only in his unconsciousness did he let Minato-sensei carry him on his back. Kakashi walked back on his own two feet, exhaustion making him stumble behind Minato-sensei every two minutes, and every concerned glance Minato-sensei gave him made him straighten up and hurry their pace.
Obito might look fine, but he was unsteady on his feet, looking half-dead and half-different. They needed to get him to hospital, Kakashi’s own wounds be damned.
Despite his hardest wish, somehow life went on.
Obito was confined to the hospital. Minato-sensei had gone and begged the legendary Tsunade-sama to return. And she had come. How his sensei had managed that, Kakashi would never know. Her aversion to continuing with iryo-ninjutsu and her addiction to gambling were quite well known throughout the Land of Fire.
But Minato-sensei had always been a genius. Especially when it comes to people. There was no one else who could wrap people around their fingers better than him. And he knew how to cut them down to their bones just as easily. A true prodigy, everywhere that counted.
Kakashi joined ANBU. Minato-sensei thought it would be better for him to work for the hokage, rather than skulk around Obito’s hospital room. It was all a thinly veiled disguise to keep an eye on Kakashi ofcourse. No one had forgotten about his father, least of all Minato-sensei. It might also have to do with the tanto he had taken to carry around recently. It just felt right.
Diametrically opposed to what his father had stood for. It was only his weapon and their shared appearance that tied them together. But, Kakashi had already done away with that, even looking in the mirror makes him sick on a good day. He started wearing it to reduce sensory overload on his nose, then his fangs started growing in and the mask stayed. Then his father died, and as he got older, it started feeling like looking back through time.
ANBU was not a good place. Not that anyone claimed it would be. But, Kakashi did not expect the crushing sense of loneliness to follow him even in these corridors. The things they whispered- had Kakashi curse his entire bloodline for giving him such a sharp hearing. Nothing else to do than bear it. They weren't saying anything wrong after all.
Friend-killer.
Kakashi had nothing to say to that. He had killed Rin. No matter how many times Minato-sensei tried to assure him. It was his hand that passed through her chest, electrocuting her body from inside out. Her blood that coated Kakashi’s hand, temporary relief to the constant dryness his hands experienced.
The edges of her wounds had cauterized in an instant, had he missed, aimed even three centimeters lower, she could have been saved. Minato-sensei arrived a few minutes later, subduing the three-tails. Obito had already taken care of the surrounding Kiri-nin. He was strong, Kakashi could tell. He could have held Sanbi from rampaging, or he could have carried Rin out to safety.
Everything would have been perfect. If. Only. Kakashi. Had. Not. Been. There.
There was no solace to be found in what-ifs. Kakashi knew that better than anyone, and yet, and yet. Every time he stood in front of her grave, he couldn't help but think.
Think, think, think. What else could have gone differently. How could this nightmare have been prevented? It was only in these few stolen moments that he allowed himself such indulgence. ANBU missions were a level of their own. They offered no respite to think of such extraneous thoughts. There was the start of the mission. Cramming all available information, positions, timings, everything.
Then came the middle of the mission, kunai here, doton there, dodge, parry, kill. Kill. Kill. It always ended in death. Then there was an after the mission. The blood on his hands, water and the bitter antiseptic scent of soap trying to cut through his thoughts. Sometimes, Gai helped, other times Kakashi pushed him away.
Months passed. Kakashi kept a close eye on Obito's chakra. Not that he had to go out his way to do that. Even now it seemed Obito had not learned to coil his chakra around himself to hide his presence. He seemed fine with letting everyone know where he was. Perhaps it came with the strength he had attained. Sharingan was strong, Mokuton was stronger.
The fateful day Obito and Kakashi finally came face to face, Obito had said nothing. Kakashi had envisioned thousands of ways their meeting might turn out- Obito screaming at him, slapping him, killing him. Some part of him yearned for it, it would feel like true absolution.
Yet Obito did nothing, simply looked at Kakashi, his eyes rimmed red. Perhaps he did not feel like breaking the peaceful silence around Rin’s grave, sacred as it was. Kakashi had taken the hint, tucked his tail and ran away.
Kakashi’s head was blank. It usually was these days. He didn't know how to exist when he wasn't on missions. A true tool. Six year old Kakashi would be so proud. This was ideal, he had turned into his ideal self. No purpose other than to serve Konoha, nothing other than the missions.
He was good. As a tool, he had purpose. As a tool he wanted, Sensei could talk to him without feeling guilty of the crime he didn't even commit when he wore the Hound mask and that was good. That was for the best.
Obito had started smiling more. Going to dinners at Kushina-san and Sensei’s place. His eyes had started to look at things, rather than looking past them. Kakashi was glad.
Nothing changed for Kakashi. Life in ANBU was alright. It kept him grounded, let him live without his thoughts constantly clamoring for attention. Listen to them too much, and he would go his fathers way. There was nothing Kakashi despised more than that. He would never.
He would never let anyone go through that. Find his body crumpled by the doorway, the metallic stench of blood reeking up the house. Stomach, intestines and viscera pooling around the body, slick with blood and it couldn't even be pushed back in. Kakashi knew. He had tried.
In the end it wasn't even the blood or the motionlessness of his father that finally made him realise. It was the startling coldness that emanated from him. All of Kakashi’s warmth kept getting leeched away, yet his father’s skin didn't retain the warmth, it grew colder. Until he realised his father wasn't coming back from this one. This was not a wound he could help his father bandage, place a small kiss on it and call it a day.
This was it.
When Kakashi reported the body, rigor mortis had already set in. His fathers body couldn't even be straightened properly to be put in the casket.
He would never let anyone be subject to that. If at all anyone came to check up on him that is. Perhaps Gai, if he didn't see Kakashi around for a few days. Or when he didn't report for his mission, some unsuspecting ANBU would have to find him. Though, even that would take days.
Kakashi hated the thought of committing suicide. But if during a mission, he was a bit slow to turn around, dodge an attack, then that would be fine. No one would know. He wouldn't drive the knife into himself. It could even be considered an honourable death. For Konoha, completing a mission. On some faraway soil. And it would all be over.
Years of instinct were hard to let go off, but there came a point when his head went eerily silent, the way it never was even when he was asleep. In that space, he could let go of his instincts, let the enemy blade close enough to nick him and not flinch back. Alas, his captain had the eyes of a hawk. Even if one moment he caught Kakashi slacking in the heat of battle, his side was immediately covered. After a stern glare through the ANBU mask, Kakashi had no choice but to straighten up and focus his mind on evading attacks. Gods know what Minato-sensei had told his squad.
He lets himself get dragged into these situations. There was Gai and the guilt coiled around his stomach about ignoring his comrade's friendly attempts to get him to open up. There were only so many times one could say no to that cheerful face and continue on with their lives thoughtlessly.
One thing turns to another and he and Obito are pressed side by side in a bar. Gai has a firm hand around his shoulder, since the moment he walked in and saw Obito. Gai knew him too well, had he removed his hand from Kakashi’s shoulder even for a moment, he would've bolted. Social conventions be damned.
They drink. As young people in their early twenties do, everyone had a frankly careless attitude towards health. Whatever may come tomorrow they can overcome it. The kind of hubris that only someone young and who has tasted blood in battle and survived to tell the tale can possess. They have a drink too many.
His thoughts run away from him. He exists between one moment and another. Desperation wrapped in skin and given form. Obito is there, beside him, they are sharing the same space. That's all he can think about.
Inside him, some part of him is always desperate. But this is different. Obito's eye was on him for the entire night, barely looking away, contemplating something, and the drinks he kept downing certainly hadn't helped in the grand scheme of things. There was something burning in the pit of his stomach. If he lost Obito’s attention, there wouldn't be a second chance. He was alive when Obito was looking at him. Even after all this time, Kakashi still blooms for Obito.
Kakashi, Kakashi, Kakashi. Friend-killer. Scum. He still is all those things, there is no running away from all that. But those voices dulled in his head. There was only the heedy gaze of Obito on him, and his own eye, hidden behind the Konoha protector, seeking its twin.
The line from the top of his shoulder to his elbow where he was pressed against Obito was burning with awareness. It didn't even belong to him.
Somehow they are kissing, Kakashi’s mask is down and Obito has his face framed and turned away from everyone. He hears vague gasps. Obito's mouth is hot on his, the spirituous rush better than the alcohol he downed. Obito tastes like something Kakashi has been waiting for all along. He tasted better than that. His teeth nip Kakashi’s bottom lip, drawing blood. Obito licks his mouth through it, tugging his head and positioning it better so he can suck Kakashi’s lips.
They stumble into his apartment. Kakashi doesn't even remember how they got here. Did they wish Obito’s friends goodnight? Did he pay his part? Did they see both of them leaving together?
Kakashi's hand is buried between Obito’s hair, and Obito’s mouth sucking on his neck with all the vengeance he could muster. His other hand holds onto Obito’s shoulder, like tenaciously- his tether to reality.
It hurt. But Kakashi had never felt so good. Obito’s leg shoved between his thighs, grinding dry and filthy. Then they are tipping over Kakashi’s bed, without any finesse. And how did they get here?
Obito is saying something. Kakashi needs to pay attention, he has to.
“Do you want this? Oi, do you really want this?” Obito keeps on repeating.
Kakashi nods. His mouth spilling a litany of whimpers. There is no one else he would let touch him so. Obito was the only one. He will always be the only one.
Obito slicks his fingers from the lube he took out from his pocket. If not for Kakashi he would have found someone else. Somebody else to keep warm, and Kakashi is desperate. Needs to keep Obito’s attention on him, he can't let Obito find anyone else. He can take whatever Obito can give.
Despite it all, Obito is gentle with him. Kakashi wants- he wants Obito to be rough, to pull on his hair and call him names, he can take it. Obito pushes inside. And it hurts. The stretch burns. Kakashi had never had anything inside himself. He was being shaped to fit around Obito.
Obito stops, pulls out halfway and Kakashi’s legs lock around Obito’s waist before he realises what he's doing, “I can't look at you when I do this, please,” Obito begs and repeats, his head is bowed and everything is underwater. It takes time for Kakashi to process the words, and when he does his legs fall limply.
And Kakashi suddenly remembers- The reality as it stood was, Obito loved Rin. And Kakashi killed Rin. Ergo Kakashi was-
Kakashi wants. He wants whatever Obito wants too. He is obedient. He will be good for Obito. Even if he really really wants to see Obito’s face. Watch as the new lines around his face wrinkle with effort. The sweat makes its way from his brow to jaw. Wants to curl up and run his tongue, halting its path. He can take whatever Obito decides to give him. He turns on his hands and knees. Obito’s fingers grip his hair, forcing him to hold his head up.
It's heavenly. Kakashi has never felt anything like this in life. It was like an elixir being offered to a sinner. It wasn't meant for him, yet in his covetousness he had managed to reach out his hand and snag a piece for himself. And it was drowning him in it.
Kakashi swallows the saliva pooling in his mouth. Manages to string together a coherent enough sentence, “You can say her name. You can call me by her name, I don't mind.” Obito stills, and a deep fear displaces all the pleasure and pain rushing through him. He doesn't want this to end. He can't ruin this too.
But Obito asks, his voice rough, “what the fuck are you saying?”
“I- you love-”
“Shut up.” Obito shuts him up with a thrust. “Do. Not. Talk. About her.”
“Yes, yes.” Kakashi nods furiously. When he comes, Obitos bows his head, knocking it firmly against his shoulder blades, the name he mouths is not Kakashi’s. He knew, he had always known. But like this, it takes root in his heart. He will never be Rin. He will never be someone Obito loves.
Despite it, Obito makes it good for Kakashi. Calling it good doesn't do it justice. But there are no words Kakashi can string together to explain it. Even when he tried to pleasure himself, he could only go through with it halfways, then get embarrassed over trying to get off. He hates the lines of his body writhing for pleasure, as if it could ever be that simple. Even when he came, it felt so underwhelming, and the guilt rushed in twice as hard. Obito makes it good, with him Kakashi could follow his lead and be glad, let Obito take control, pain-pleasure, Kakashi doesn't have to think about it.
The morning after, Obito is gone without a trace. Leaving behind only the rucked sheets, and the handprints on Kakashi’s body.
Days go by, and Kakashi keeps track of them by the bruises fading. The deep blue hue fades to a pale yellow and he wishes Obito were here again to darken them. He's not. Kakashi has not seen even a hair or hide of Obito’s chakra. It's simply as if he's not in Konoha. Could be that Minato-sensei has finally given in to his demands of giving him missions.
Instead, Kakashi satisfies himself by pressing down on the bruises, anything to keep them longer.
He continues his missions. World-altering experiences are hardly ever excuses to be tardy in the life of shinobi, especially an ANBU.
This time, when Gai tentatively asks him to go drinking with him, not even the bone deep tiredness that comes from a two-week mission can stop him. He follows along, and this time Gai doesn't hold his shoulder, to keep him from running. There is a far stronger tether, his leash is firmly held in Obito’s hand. He wouldn't even be able to run if he wanted to, under Obito’s eyes.
They keep leaving the bar early. Kakashi never knows whether they manage to wish Obito’s friends goodnight. The night always ends the same, Obito draped over Kakashi’s back, and their rhythmic rocking rustling the bed, lube and cum spilling messily between them, ruining the sheets and nothing else. It always ends too soon, the sun starts rising and Obito vanishes with it, like a fleeting dream. Temporary solace to keep the nightmares at bay, leaving him to fend through the horrors of the day alone.
Whenever Kakashi does manage to sleep, its always like some deeply fucked up part of his subconscious trying to take over.
In his dreams Obito always dies. His guts spilling out, his head crushed, his legs snapped, always within his reach. If his hands weren't already blood soaked by the time he reached Obito in those precious seconds he was alive, they soak it up. Obito’s blood, all around Kakashi, on his hand, in his hair, in his bones, in his heart. All Obito’s.
Sometimes Rin is there too. As a treat. ‘Why did you do this to me, Kakashi? I loved you,’ she keeps asking. And Kakashi wants to beg for- for everything they could offer. Their forgiveness, their sympathy, their pity. An empty vessel so full of selfishness, he dooms everyone he loves.
All shinobi lose something precious to them, that is how it is. But even among them, how is it that Kakashi manages to be an outlier? Killing people close to him.
How does he always manage to fail everyone he loves?
Obito really proved to be an exception. Coming back from the dead and all. But Kakashi can never have him, and doesn't deserve it. Afraid if he tries to takes to take something it will be snatched out of his hand. The mere act of wanting terrifies him. Fills him with dread, when he thinks of Obito- thinks of warm mornings with Obito staying when the sun rises. His pitch black hair, glinting blue under the soft rays of sun. Sweet scent of tea wafting through the house. Kakashi aches, and curses himself of thinking he could have it. When his hands are still drenched with the blood of their teammate.
It's not completely his fault, Obito does feed along his delusions. Waits softly for Kakashi to become coherent before he leaves. Makes him drink water, leaves more for him by the bed. Gentles his touch, looks into his eyes, and mouths his name like he cant believe he is here with Kakashi. Holds him through his pleasure, and never mentions Rin.
They don't talk. They never did even before things turned out like this. Petty arguments, childish competitions, foolish back and forth, that's what they did. Even though Kakashi knows it's not possible, he wishes they could go back to that time. When Kakashi hadn't ruined everything. When Obito could still smile, without the world weighing his lips down.
So Kakashi is surprised when he sees Obito loiter below his apartment. Obito had never needed to wait for him. He had never seeked out Kakashi when they were outside, it was only permitted until the dull lighting of the bar and under copious amounts of alcohol. Never sober, never like this- under the broad daylight.
Despite the growing concern, Kakashi feels vindicated. Obito’s hair, now past his shoulders, gleams midnight blue under the sun.
“Are you free right now?” Obito asks, rubbing the back of his neck. He's unsure? Kakashi can't comprehend what's going on. Could something have happened to Minatio-sensei? Kushina-san? But then they wouldn't be here, like this. He would have been summoned directly to the Hokage office. The entire Konoha would be in pandemonium.
“I am.” Kakashi decides. There is a mission report to be submitted, but it's secondary to anything that Obito might want. His captain would disagree, but he's not here right now, and he doesn't have Obito standing in front of him like something divine. So Kakashi would rather not care about that.
“Good, let's go grab lunch.” Obito backtracks. “Uh- I mean, unless you have eaten already.” Kakashi just shakes his head, his confusion growing. They would fuck outside? After eating? Kakashi would not be completely opposed to the idea. But as he follows Obito towards Ichiraku, he has a sinking feeling that it is not what Obito wants.
Maybe he wants to stop Kakashi from being so clingy? What if…. What if he wants to stop whatever they have going on? Maybe he found someone better? It could be a possibility. Even though he follows Obito, his pace is slow, his thoughts bouncing from one scenario to another.
Obito doesn't notice, lost in his own thoughts. His hand fiddled with the straps of his weapons pouch. Throughout the meal, they don't talk. Obito starts, building himself up for something, but stops partway, only Kakashi’s name left between them. Kakashi waits, and waits, and waits. He has never been patient, but with Obito he can be anything. So he waits for Obito.
In the end, Obito pays for their meal. When Kakashi tries to pay for his part at least, Obito shakes his head, his hand curling around Kakashi’s wrist. The touch is so gentle and warm, it sears into his skin right through the gloves. Kakashi wouldn't be surprised to find the imprint of Obito’s hand, bright red burned on him, when he goes home. He doesn't argue, scared to break the sacred silence enveloping them.
The thing is, this keeps happening. Obito keeps taking him out for lunches and dinner. There's no other way to describe it. They dont fuck, they dont talk about anything other than trivial things. Just yesterday, it was about the rising prices of onions? Kakashi doesn't even like those. They just sit and eat and it's weird. And Kakashi doesn't understand what went wrong.
During the last time did Kakashi fuck something up? Drive Obito away? So much so that he can't bear to touch Kakashi?
It all goes downhill from there. Kakashi can't stand this. This is like the world wants him to believe that he could have this soft and warm Obito, but he knows there's something missing. It can't be like this.
Kakashi misses their scheduled lunch. Then dinner. And isn't it weird? Obito, who can't even stand to touch him, has to eat with him? He wonders if Minato-sensei put him up to it. After listening to that fumble from his captain.
That time he wasn't even trying to do anything, his hand crackled with electricity. Already sucking up the moisture from his skin, and draining his chakra, his sharingan blazing. And there was a girl- she had brown hair. And Kakashi froze. The lightning died before he could lift his hand up. The girl didn't stop though, her kunai tilted upwards, aimed straight for his heart. He hadn't moved. She had brown hair, and it was dark all around. He couldn't move.
It was around that mission that Obito had started acting like this. It was shameful that it took him so long to put things together. He should have known Minato-sensei would try to meddle like this. He would force Obito to do things like these. No one wants a second Hatake Sakumo.
So he sits alone in his bathtub. The white tiles feel cool and clean. There is red staining his hands, but it always is. No matter how much he tries to wash it. The strongest scent of soap can't cut through the blood hanging around him.
So he misses lunch and dinner with Obito and hopes he knows Kakashi won't force him to go along with something he doesn't want.
Still it's no surprise when Obito lets himself into his apartment, an hour after they were supposed to be having dinner. Kakashi has no strength left to persuade Obito to leave, he can hear Obito searching around for him. His house is not big. Moderate sized apartment, a bedroom, kitchen and a living room connected to a space balcony outside. There is no view to be seen from there, only more buildings. But during the morning hours, sunlight falls into a perfect patch that his dogs can nap in and that's the only reason he bought it.
He knows how his apartment looks, the sparseness of it. There is nothing there. No sign of life. Like everything is pristine. Sofa and cupboards looking like they haven't even been touched. His dogs try, but Kakashi can't stand it. Hates when things are not in their place, it itches through him. The wrongness, signs that he is living there.
It doesn't take long for Obito to find him, curled as he is into the bathtub. His knees tucked close to his chest, his forehead protector has been digging into the side of his face for a long time now, yet adjusting it would mean moving. Kakashi would loath doing that. The side of his face is numb.
He stands still in the doorway. Perhaps contemplating whether it is worth it? Are Minato-sensei’s orders worth going through this? Apparently the decision is made, he moves back, then rethinking his decision, he comes to sit on the floor beside the bathtub. And sits with him.
They don't talk. Obito still doesn't touch him.
Kakashi is tired. He is covered in blood, he always is, his hair is matted with sweat, and there are tear tracks on his face, anchoring the grief permanently into his skin. He needs to know, why did it come to this?
“I’m tired, Obito.” He manages, as more tears slip. He doesn't want them to. So he buries his face deeper into his knees, muffling his voice. He feels Obito kneel behind him, the burn of his eye is enough to bring Kakashi to despair. He doesn't want to lose this. But he can't continue living in this half-dreamed up world- where he is allowed to think he is wanted.
“I know, Bakashi. May I touch you?” Obito asks and Kakashi curls around himself tighter.
“I can take whatever you dish out, Obito, but not this. Whatever humiliation, punishment, you want I’ll take it. Just not like this," Kakashi begs. There is no other way to put it. The careless touch Obito bestowed upon hurt, but Kakashi could take it. Find comfort in it, this gentle handling, the kind voice? Kakashi can't do it. His heart knocks in his chest, a discomfitted rhythm. He is not worthy, he is not worthy.
And, oh, believe it Kakashi knows.
No matter how many shades he paints upon his face. No matter the length of his hair or the colour of it. Obito doesn't want him. He never did. At the end of the day, Kakashi can't be Rin.
“What do you mean? I don't understand.” Obito’s hand hovers over his shoulder, but it doesn't touch. There are lifetimes lived and lost between them. The space that exists between them houses tragedy far too big to be held in their skins. It overflows, surrounds them.
“I’m not Rin.” Kakashi squeezes out, his eyes are clenched there. His head is pounding and his entire body has gone numb. Along with his heart.
“I know that. You are not her.” Obito retracts his hand, curls it around the edge of the bathtub and leeches its cool. Kakashi feels delirious.
Here in this bathroom, bathed in the dim white light that never falls on the corners. Kakashi feels pinned. Moth with his wings clipped, all his fuzzy vulnerable parts open for everyone to see. The light stabs his eyes, he can't move without being touched. And Obito just won't touch him. His skin crawls trying to escape the pins holding him in place. He struggles to turn around, one last flight towards the flame he knows is burning at his back.
It sustains him, empowers him and drags him down just the same. He wobbles around, opens his eyes and looks at his sun.
“Is that why you won't touch me?” Kakashi asks, there are more important questions. ‘Do I disgust you? Did you finally see the blood staining me? I'm rotten, sorry for dragging you along.’ He means to say.
But Obito reaches over, crossing over galaxies, through the rise and fall of everything and touches him. Cups his hand right over Kakashi’s cheek, his thumb settling perfectly into the divot behind Kakashi’s ear, as if it was carved for him.
He touches Kakashi. “I didn't- that's not why I-” Obito looks at him, lost, his eyes wide. “I thought I was hurting you, Kakashi. With all those bruises. I can't really control my strength well with this new arm, you see.”
Kakashi is cradled gently. “I don't mind those bruises,” he rushes to placate. He loves them, ghosts his fingers over them, imagining they were Obito’s instead. A kind of belonging writ over and over again on his skin. “They feel right.”
Obito stares at him, struck silent, his mouth parted.
“I need to ask you something. Promise you will answer honestly?” He finally asks.
“Anything you want, Obito. Take anything," Kakashi leans into the palm holding him up. A puppet held upright only upon Obito’s whim.
Obito takes a breath, and another. Time passes and the white light shining upon them stays steady. They are together under the moonlight, entomologist’s tools far far away from him. “All this time, what did you think I was doing with you?”
“I don't know,” Kakashi utters, helplessly honest.
Obito sighs, and Kakashi tilts his head more firmly into his hand. He has always been greedy. “Guess it was my fault, I should have been more direct with you.” Obito looks back at him helplessly.
Kakashi waits. He knows Obito has more to say. Anything to prolong this alternate universe he has fallen into.
“I was being very stupid about the way I was going about things with you.” Kakashi makes a sound of disagreement and Obito shushes him with a look. “I’m not done yet, Bakashi. Let me finish. I should've talked properly to you. I saw you suffering, and I didn't care. Back when I came, it was hard to care about anything.
If Kushina-nee and sensei hadn't been so determined on my behalf, I don't think I would have bothered with anything. I was angry at you too, about Rin. The first time we met I wanted to shove mokuton right into your heart, but after I got discharged properly from the hospital sensei let me read the mission report. And I didn't know what to do. How could Rin do that to you? She said she loved you, and then she used you-”
“I killed her.” Kakashi blurts out. “I did.”
“She jumped in front of you. I saw that and it didn't occur to me that it happened like. Not until I read the mission report. You didn't kill her, she sacrificed her life by using you. I don't understand what she was thinking.”
There is laboured breathing echoing through the bathroom, Kakashi’s mask is down and still- Obito’s other hand cards gently through his hair. “Breathe, Kakashi. Breathe. It wasn't your fault.” Kakashi looks pleadingly at Obito, begs with his tears to stop talking, yet Obito continues.
“Thats when we began fucking. And I didn't know how else to get to you. I’m angry, I'm still so angry. Sometimes I look at sensei and get angry at him for leaving you alone on that mission. I'm also angry at Rin, she knew about your father, we all did. Yet to choose that path. I don't understand why.”
“The sanbi-”
“I know, Kakashi. But our sensei is a prodigy with fuiinjutsu, if not him then there was Kushina-nee who is an Uzumaki, another prodigy with a bijuu sealed inside her. You had sensei’s kunai, we could've called him. He could've done something. Anything.
It doesn't make any sense, you know? I don't really understand what love is. I thought I loved Rin, and I think I really did. I liked when she smiled. I liked giving her things, I liked that. I killed for her. I would have done anything for her.
But if love is choosing to die from the hands of the person you love, knowing they would suffer for it. I don't understand. I just don't understand how someone can inflict this upon the person they love. Then is it really love?
Kushina-nee sat me down and did say love can be all those things. That desperation and love go hand in hand. Instead of seeing someone you love die, you would rather let yourself die, so they can go on living, that thing, I really understand.” Obito looked at him, waiting for Kakashi to put things together. But Kakashi’s thoughts were swimming through molasses, slow and incoherent.
“I don't know what I really feel is love or not. But know that, Kakashi. I don't think I can live without you. And I know I did a really shit job of showing that. But I don't think I can bear it if you left.
I like seeing you smile. I like your face, your mouth, the dimple on your left cheek and the mole below it. The lines of your body and the way they fit around me. I would kill for you, and live for you. So please accept everything I have to give, Kakashi.”
Kakashi breathes out, “you promise? Your everything?”
“My everything for anything you deem worthy you can spare for me,” Obito nods.
“Obito, obito, obito. I love you. Always have- I didnt-” Kakashi struggles to get to Obito, lands like a heap of trash in his lap and curls around his shoulder. “I love you, I love you. You, you, you, always you,” Kakashi buries his face into Obito’s hair, inhaling his scent.
“Kakashi-” Obito curls his arms around Kakashi’s waist, his grip solid. As he tucks his face in the crook of Kakashi’s neck.
The white light shone down on them, cradling both of them.