I know what the caged bird feels

by Halevetica

Summary:

Neil gets Kevin out of the nest after he hurts his hand, and Kevin wants him to run with him, but Neil could never leave Jean. But when Neil gets hurt, Jean gets him out and makes a deal with Andrew to keep him safe.

Notes:

This is a super self indulgent fic. I just wanted to play with the idea that Jean and Neil were together in the nest and what would happen if they got out. Hope you enjoy it. I tried to keep them in character as much as possible, but obviously circumstances kind of change them a little.

Chapter 1: Come with me

 Sympathy

By Paul Laurence Dunbar

 

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!

    When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;   

When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,   

And the river flows like a stream of glass;

    When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,   

And the faint perfume from its chalice steals—

I know what the caged bird feels!

 

I know why the caged bird beats his wing

    Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;   

For he must fly back to his perch and cling   

When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;

    And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars   

And they pulse again with a keener sting—

I know why he beats his wing!

 

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,

    When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,—

When he beats his bars and he would be free;

It is not a carol of joy or glee,

    But a prayer that he sends from his heart’s deep core,   

But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings—

I know why the caged bird sings!

 

May—

Nathaniel was an anxious person. His mother had threaded paranoia into every suture, until he was made up of nothing but scars and distrust. But his father had instilled in him a calm that he wore like a Kevlar vest. He could be afraid so long as he didn’t show it on his face. His anger, however, was not as easy to hide. Anger was another thing he got from his father. The Wesninski temper, his mother had called it. But even that he wrapped in his calm. Kevin said it made him all the more terrifying.

Jean was the only one who saw through his calm. Saw his fear and distrust. Calmed his anger. He was the snuff to Nathaniel’s fire. His partner.

Kevin was something else. Not his partner. That spot had been claimed by Riko. But Nathaniel and Kevin had a unique relationship. One that stemmed from survival and understanding. Kevin had understood the pain of losing a mother. Kevin had been the one to put Nathaniel back together until Jean arrived. But even still, Kevin had been there. Teaching Jean to be Nathaniel’s partner.

Kevin was his brother. He couldn’t do anything about Riko’s wrath, but he would always be there, getting him back on his feet. Even now, he would come by their room and warn them when he knew Riko was in a foul mood. He’d slip them antiseptic ointment and help suture wounds when they were both in rough shape.

Which is why Nathaniel’s chest was a torrent of concern. His knee bounced anxiously against Jean’s. Their hands threaded together between them. Riko and Kevin’s game hadn’t gone well. Kevin had held back, and Nathaniel knew Riko had noticed. The tick of his jaw was telling. It had been just a tiny slip. A shifting of his foot that sent the ball careening two inches to the left of the goal. A shift that Kevin knew better than to make. Riko knew he knew better. He’d sent everyone to their rooms for the night. Everyone except Kevin. He had been smug on the outside. But Nathaniel knew how to spot even the slightest shift of someone’s mood. He’d been trained to read body language. If he could predict someone’s actions beforehand, he stood a better chance of survival.

“He will be okay,” Jean whispered in French. “Riko needs him.”

Nathaniel knew that. But Kevin had never felt the true extent of Riko’s wrath. He wasn’t the same as Neil and Jean. He wasn’t property. He was Kayliegh Day’s son. Not to say he was spared. No one was spared. Especially not the perfect court. Kevin had always been obedient, though. He never back-talked. He did whatever he was told. So, most of Riko’s anger toward Kevin was sharp words; rarely was it so physical. But Nathaniel knew that psychological and emotional damage left just as many scars as a knife.

“I need to see him, Jean,” Nathaniel clenched his hand. Kevin was left alone with Riko’s wrath, and it made Nathaniel’s skin prickle. Like it did when a blade got too close. He hated feeling helpless.

“We cannot. If Riko—“ his words were cut off by a knock at their door.

Jean braced. But Neil knew Riko wouldn’t knock. He pulled from Jean’s grip and opened the door, knowing it would be Kevin on the other side. That had to be a good sign, right?

Every muscle in his body locked at the sight in front of him. The first thing he noticed was blood. Too much blood. Then he saw the source. A hand with bone protruding through it, cradled against a heaving chest.

“Nathaniel,” Kevin’s voice broke around the name.

Nathaniel had only ever seen Kevin cry once, when he found a letter from his mom about who his father was. He remembered the night well. He remembered how green the tears made Kevin’s eyes. These tears were different. They didn’t turn Kevin’s eyes into emeralds. Instead, his eyes were like a forest blanketed with fog. Dark and clouded.

“Kev,” Nathaniel looked back down at his hand. His left hand. “No.”

Kevin let out a sob, and Nathaniel’s body went into action. He glanced down the hall to see that no one was around before pulling him into the room.

“No,” Jean gasped behind them. “He wouldn’t.”

“How?” Neil asked, gently taking his forearm to inspect the wound. The bones were shattered. His fingers hung limp. Blood coated almost every inch of skin.

“Racquet,” Kevin answered quietly.

“No. He wouldn’t.” Jean repeated.

Nathaniel ignored him. The injuries were extensive. And he could see the distant look in Kevin’s eyes. His hand was his future. Without it—

“You have to leave,” Nathaniel said.

Kevin met his eyes. “What?”

“You need to get help. The foxes are at their winter banquet tonight. It’s only a couple hours away. I’m taking you to them.”

“What are you saying?” Jean whispered in horror.

“Kevin, do you hear me?” Nathaniel snapped. He was wasting time. He needed help, and he wouldn’t get it here. But he had to wrap the hand at least.

With shaking hands, he dug into the bottom of his dresser and pulled out a roll of gauze. He gently took Kevin’s wrist.

“I can’t—“ Kevin glanced between Nathaniel and Jean.

“Wymack is your father. He is a good man. He will help you,” Nathaniel said as he slowly, gently wrapped Kevin’s hand. Kevin hissed in pain but didn’t object. Nathaniel used the whole roll. He could get more. This needed to stop bleeding.

“Hold it up best you can. Above your heart. It’ll help slow the bleeding. We have to go, now.”

Kevin’s eyes were wide and frantic as they bounced between Nathaniel and Jean before landing on Nathaniel. “Leave with me.”

“I’m gonna take you to them.”

“No,” Kevin gripped his wrist with his good hand. “Leave with me.”

He blinked at Kevin. The idea was absurd. He couldn’t escape this. And besides, he belonged here with Jean. But leaving was a dream of his. A promise he’d hoped would one day come true. He could never leave Kevin and Jean. But Kevin was leaving, and if Jean went too, then— He turned to look at his partner. He was ghastly pale, and his eyes owlish.

“Jean—“

“No.” Jean shook his head, making his dark hair fall across his eyes.

“Jean, if you stay, Riko will be unrelenting. If you and Nathaniel come with me—“

“No.”

Kevin’s brows furrowed. “You see what he did to me. Imagine what he’ll do to you. To Nathaniel.”

Jean’s eyes cut to Nathaniel. “I— I can’t.”

Nathaniel saw the terror in Jean's eyes. He wouldn’t leave. He had been conditioned to believe he belonged here, deserved this place. Riko had broken him in less than a year. Despite Nathaniel urging him to keep fighting, he didn’t. He hadn’t seen the point.

“Are you really so eager to die? To watch your partner die?” Kevin kept on.

Jean took a step back but said nothing.

Kevin’s grip tightened. “Leave with me, Nathaniel.”

He wanted nothing more. But he couldn’t leave Jean. Riko would kill him if both Kevin and Nathaniel left. Besides, he’d made a promise. He pulled from Kevin’s grip and pressed a kiss to Jean’s forehead. “I’ll be back.”

Kevin looked ready to argue, but Nathaniel spoke first, “We need to go.”

Kevin’s eyes cut to Jean, dark and unforgiving.

“If he dies, his blood is on your hands.” Kevin spat the French with so much vitriol it made Jean flinch.

Nathaniel pushed Kevin towards the door. He would have snapped at Kevin for a remark like that, but Kevin was hurt and scared; he wouldn’t blame him. He hoped Jean wouldn’t either.

Nathaniel and Kevin quietly slipped to the parking lot and climbed into Kevin’s car. He drove as fast as he could. The longer he was away, the better chance Riko had of discovering he was missing.

Kevin passed out from pain twenty minutes in. Nathaniel was glad for the silence. He wished Jean had agreed to go. It could be the three of them, escaping together. A dream he’d had many times. One that had kept him going. Kept him from breaking. Riko had hated that he couldn’t ever break Nathaniel. But how did you break someone who had been broken so many times they weren’t even whole? What was left to break? He was held together with scar tissue and spite.

When they arrived at the hotel he knew the Foxes were staying at, he helped Kevin out.

“Nath.” Kevin was shaking, still covered in his own blood. The gauze had turned pink at this point. It was an awful sight and not the last one he wanted to see of Kevin. But at least he would live. “Don’t go back.”

“I can’t leave Jean. You’ll be okay.” Neil pressed a hard kiss to his forehead.

Nathaniel closed his eyes as Kevin’s trembling right hand came up to cup his cheek, making him tense. “Stay alive.”

“Go,” Nathaniel ordered, before he did something stupid like follow Kevin inside.

He wanted to so bad. He wanted out of that hellhole more than anything. His flighty heart desperate to run. But he could never leave Jean.

The ride back was worse. He could go. Run. Disappear like his mother had taught him. If only. Jean’s grey eyes would haunt him if he tried. He’d never know true freedom. His heart would always be locked in the nest, bleeding in Jean’s hands.

When he got back to the nest, he had less than an hour before he had to be up for practice. His exhaustion would show in his performance, but at least Kevin was safe.

When he returned to his room, there were tears on Jean’s cheeks. “Jean?” Nathaniel rushed to his side, searching for injury. Had Riko come? No. There was no blood. Only there was, but it was from familiar wounds. Jean had clawed at his own throat.

“I am sorry. You should have gone.”

Nathaniel sighed, dragging a finger along Jean’s collarbone, just under the blood-crusted half moons. “I am where I want to be.” They both knew he didn’t mean in the nest, but with Jean.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not leaving me.”

Nathaniel pressed two fingers under Jean’s chin to raise his head. “I will never leave you, I promise.”

Jean surged forward, and the kiss was urgent, desperate. Not like their usual soft stolen kisses. Nathaniel never allowed himself to be rough with Jean, but this was nice. He gripped Jean’s hips tight, being sure not to leave marks.

“When Riko comes, let him come for me. I can take it,” Nathaniel said against Jean’s mouth. He knew Jean wouldn’t listen; he never did. But neither did Nathaniel. Jean only ever stepped in when Riko took things too far with Nathaniel. He never fought Riko otherwise. It was why Riko came for Nathaniel more often. He enjoyed Jean’s reactions. He just hoped that Jean had enough sense to not interfere this time.

Riko came an hour later. Neither Jean nor Nathaniel had slept.

“Where is he?” Riko’s face was red with fury, and Nathaniel scrambled from the bed before he could reach Jean.

“Who?” he asked, feigning ignorance.

“Day.”

“Haven’t seen him since the game,” Nathaniel answered in his most casual tone. It always pissed Riko off when he refused to cower. It was the only thing that kept Nathaniel going. Knowing that Riko wouldn’t break him, no matter how hard he tried. It was almost a challenge.

Riko swung, and Nathaniel stumbled into the side of Jean’s bed. “Where is he?”

He spat blood onto the floor and glared up at Riko. “I don’t know.”

Riko hit him again, and again, and again. Pain surged through the side of his face.

“He left,” Jean blurted, making Nathaniel’s whole body tense. Damn it, Jean. He put too much faith in Riko. Didn’t he know that their knowledge of Kevin leaving would make their punishment worse? Why did he think behaving or telling the truth ever made things better?

Riko went still. Too still. “What?”

“He left,” Jean repeated.

“Where?”

Nathaniel cut his eyes to Jean, pleading for him not to say anything.

“I— I— I don’t know.” Jean had never been a great liar.

“Jean.” Riko’s tone was warning.

“He didn’t say. He just said he had to leave. His hand was in bad shape.” Nathaniel needed Riko’s attention off Jean. Mentioning Kevin’s hand would surely do it. And Nathaniel was an excellent liar.

Nathaniel took the brunt of Riko’s hits, sending pleading looks at Jean whenever he tried to intervene. Neither would come out unscathed, but he needed Jean to be safe.

 

Chapter 2: My place is at Evermore

One year later—

Jean carded his fingers through Nathaniel’s hair, brushing his lips along his jaw. It was a rarity that they got these moments anymore. With Kevin gone, Riko had turned all his focus on Nathaniel and Jean. Mostly Nathaniel, but he preferred it. He wished for a moment that Jean’s touch was just a little harder. The gentle glide made his skin itch. He squeezed Jean’s hips, his fingers pressing in as if showing him it was okay. Instead, Jean pulled back, eyes searching Nathaniel’s face. “I’m sorry. Should I stop?”

Nathaniel closed his eyes and loosened his grip. “No,” He sighed. He knew Jean needed gentle. Lord knew they got enough non-gentle from the other Ravens. He had seen the need in Jean early on, and it was one of the few things he could offer him as a comfort. It started as fingers gliding through dark strands. Which turned into shared beds when nightmares came. Which turned into gentle brushes of lips across temples and knuckles. The first time Jean kissed Nathaniel two years ago, he’d frozen. Jean had apologized, refusing to look at him for three days, until Nathaniel couldn’t take it anymore. He’d pinned Jean to their door and kissed him breathless. After that, it just became a thing. They never talked about what it meant. And they never took it further.

Before Jean could lean in again, shouting came from the hall. He and Nathaniel pulled apart just as their door was flung open.

“Let’s go,” Riko ordered, before turning and stalking back out.

They exchanged unsure glances before following. All the ravens were gathering in the common room. They weren’t due for a meeting, especially this late. Everyone would be going to bed soon.

A gnawing feeling settled in Nathaniel’s stomach when they entered and saw the master was standing in the room, his hands clasped behind his back. The room was silent as he waited for everyone to take their seats.

“I have news regarding Kevin Day.”

Nathaniel tensed; the gnawing turned into a sharp shredding. He hadn’t heard from Kevin in months. It was too dangerous to talk to him regularly, but he checked in on occasion. Had something happened? Was he okay?

“He has decided to join the Palmetto State Foxes lineup this year.”

“What? How? His hand was busted.” Nathaniel blurted. He knew Kevin had had surgery and had gotten most its use back, but he wouldn’t be able to play. It couldn’t be true.

The master shot him a dark look, and he knew he’d pay for the outburst.

“Right-handed. We were informed when the paperwork was finalized.”

Nathaniel’s blood ran cold. His eyes found Riko’s. His dark eyes were somehow darker, a dangerous glint to them. He prayed Jean kept his mouth shut and let him take the brunt. He slid a pinky along Jean’s hand. A silent message to behave. Jean was trembling next to him. It took everything in Nathaniel not to pull him in close and shield him with his body.

When they were dismissed, Riko held out a hand to keep Nathaniel from stepping past. “You stay.”

Jean frowned. He looked ready to object, but Nathaniel poked him in the back. A desperate plea to listen. Jean hesitated for a moment before slowly leaving the room.

Riko waited for the door to close before asking, “Did you know this was his plan?”

Nathaniel scoffed. “Yeah, sure, he calls every weekend. No, I had no idea. How the fuck would I?” His mouth got him in trouble more than it didn’t, and he knew today wasn’t the day to push Riko, but if he was defiant enough, he’d use all his energy on him. He preferred it when they fought back. It was how he kept Jean safe, as much as he could anyway. Anytime Jean took a beating, Nathaniel would make some smart remark, and Riko’s attention would turn to him. With Jean not in the room, he could goad Riko enough to take all his frustration out on him, sparing Jean completely. It was wishful thinking. Jean would never be completely spared, but it would have to be enough.

He expected the hit, what he hadn’t expected was it to be with a raqcuet. One second, Riko was glaring at him, the next he had a racquet in hand. The breath knocked from him. He was sure he heard his ribs crack. Before he could gasp air into his starved lungs, the racquet came down again. And again. And again.

*

Jean paced the hallway outside the common room. His arms wrapped around his middle as if he were holding himself together. Perhaps he was. Hearing Kevin had signed with the Foxes was a shock. The anger on The Master's and Riko’s faces made him nauseous. How could Kevin do this? It had been bad enough he left. But now this?

His fingers dug into the fabric of his shirt as he stepped toward the door. He hadn’t been able to hear what was said, but he knew the conversation didn’t last long. And after the first crash, the silence scared him the most. There were no cries of pain. No defiant shouts. Silence. He shouldn’t have left the room. Why had Riko made him leave? He never made Jean leave. Why? Unless he didn’t want Jean interfering. What would he do to Nathaniel? Images of blood and bone almost made him wretch. Would he hurt Nathaniel the same way? Surely he’d learned his lesson with Kevin.

When the door swung open, Jean froze. Riko back-handed him so hard that he was thrust into the wall. “Clean him up.”

With that, Riko was gone.

Jean ignored the blood now dripping into his eye. His only thought was Nathaniel. When he entered the room, he dropped to his knees and dry heaved at the sight. Nathaniel was a crumpled heap on the floor, bloody and not moving.

“Nathaniel,” Jean whispered, crawling to his partner. He couldn’t lose Nathaniel. Not like this. Not because of Kevin.

He pressed shaking fingers to Nathaniel’s neck and nearly sobbed in relief. He was alive. He tried to assess the damage. He hadn’t been in here long. How had Riko knocked him out so quickly? Nathaniel was the strongest person Jean knew. He was defiant to his own body. Never dropping when he should have. Always pulling himself back to his feet long after his legs gave way.

Jean reached to scoop Nathaniel up when he saw the raqcuet lying a few feet away. “No.” More flashes of a broken hand had Jean dry heaving again.

He carefully pushed up the hem of Nathaniel’s shirt and bit the inside of his cheek so hard it bled. He could see the odd angle that his ribs pressed against his skin. Broken. At least three. The skin had already started to purple.

Jean cupped Nathaniel’s face and inspected the long split along his temple. A hit there could have killed him. If Nathaniel didn’t survive this attack—

Jean squeezed his eyes shut and remembered Kevin’s last words to him. “If he dies, his blood is on your hands.” It didn’t matter that Riko’s anger was due to Kevin’s actions. Jean had been the reason Nathaniel was still here.

He gently scooped Nathaniel’s limp body into his arms. He should have made Nathaniel leave. He should have been strong enough to go with him. But he belonged with the ravens.

“I am Jean Moreau. My place is at Evermore. I will endure,” He muttered to himself as he laid Nathaniel in his bed. With shaking hands, he grabbed Nathaniel’s phone. He had been too mad at Kevin to put his number into his phone when he’d reached out, but he knew that Nathaniel had it in his.

He scrolled to an unknown number and dialed out. He took in labored breaths as he tried to stay calm. Seeing Nathaniel hurt was never easy, but this was too much. This was worse than ever before.

“Nath,” Kevin answered on the third ring.

Jean was silent for a long moment. It had been so long since he had heard Kevin’s voice. He wanted to be angry, to hang up, but he remembered why he called when Kevin’s worried tone tried again. “Nathaniel?”

He stared down at the broken body of his partner. The man he loved. What was he hoping for Kevin to do? Kevin had left them.

“Jean?” Kevin’s voice was full of panic now.

“He’s—“ Jean choked on a sob.

“Jean, what happened? Where’s Nathaniel?”

*

Kevin was about to climb out of Andrew’s car when his phone rang. Everyone who would normally call knew he was about to start night practice. Irritation flared in his chest. If they wouldn’t practice with them, the least they could do was leave him alone.

Andrew cocked a brow when he saw Nathaniel’s name flash across Kevin’s screen.

All irritation drained from him. It had been weeks since he heard from Nathaniel.

Kevin ignored Andrew and answered the call. He would never ignore Nathaniel. He had gotten him out of the nest that night. He owed him everything. He didn’t care how much Andrew disapproved. “Nath,” he said, climbing out of the car, hoping to avoid Andrew’s glare.

He paused when he was met with silence, glancing at the phone to make sure the call was still connected.

“Nathaniel?” He tried again, a worried lilt to his tone.

The resounding silence sent a chill down Kevin’s spine. Nathaniel was the mouthiest person he knew. He would never be this quiet. Not like…

“Jean?”

Andrew was in front of him with a displeased look. Kevin shot him a glare, daring him to take the phone. He didn’t care what Andrew said; Nathaniel and Jean were his family, and something was wrong.

“He’s—“ Kevin’s face paled when Jean let out a sob. Jean hadn’t spoken to him since he left. Nathaniel said he just needed time. If he was calling, that could only mean one thing.

“Jean, what happened? Where’s Nathaniel?” His whole body was cold. Don’t be dead. Don’t be dead. He didn’t think he could handle it.

Andrew cocked his head curiously.

“Riko found out.”

Kevin clenched his jaw. Anger warring with his fear. He’d warned Jean and Nathaniel that their relationship would get them hurt. Told them it couldn’t go on. But they hadn’t listened.

“He found out about you.”

Kevin blinked, all anger morphing into confusion. “Me?”

“You signed with the Foxes.” Jean’s tone was venomous. Sharper than Kevin had ever heard it. “He took it out on Nathaniel and now… I don’t know if he’s okay.”

Kevin let out a shaky breath. He needed a drink.

“Is he conscious?” He guessed not, or Jean wouldn’t have been the one calling him.

“No. He used a racquet, Kevin.” Jean’s voice was a whisper.

“Shit,” Kevin ran a hand through his hair. The hand that had been on the receiving end of Riko’s racquet. Would he really risk another member of his perfect court?

“I— I don’t know what to do.”

“Jean, you have to get out of there, do you hear me? Take him and leave.”

“I can’t.”

“Jean, Nathaniel might be dying. You need to get him out of there.” Kevin shouldn’t have left them. He should have known that Jean couldn’t protect Nathaniel. No. That wasn’t fair. He should have known Nathaniel would do whatever he had to to protect Jean.

“Where would I go? Where would I take him?” Jean’s tone was harsh, like he was blaming Kevin. Perhaps he was. It was retaliation for his actions after all. No. He could feel guilty later. Right now, he needed to convince Jean to help Nathaniel.

“Bring him to me,” Kevin said.

Andrew crossed his arms, and Kevin expected him to object.

“I do not trust him with you,” Jean snapped into the phone.

“Then why did you call me?” Kevin couldn’t help but be hurt by that. But his voice was all anger. He’d been the one to look after Nathaniel before Jean. He’d been the one to teach Jean how to suture a wound. He’d taught him how to wrap bruised ribs. How to reset a dislocated joint, and how to prevent infection.

There was silence on the other end.

“Jean.” He had to be patient with Jean. There was no one more important to him than Nathaniel. He just needed him to listen.

The line went dead.

“Fuck,” Kevin swore, fighting the urge to throw his phone.

Andrew simply stared at him as if reading his every expression.

“I left him there. He made me leave, and he wanted to come with m,e and I left him.”

“He could have left, too.”

Kevin shook his head. “He would never leave Jean. We tried getting Jean to leave, too, but he wouldn’t and Nathaniel…”

Andrew was silent.

“Riko found out I signed with you. He hurt Nathaniel because of me.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “You’re guilt is exhausting. Are we going in or not?” he jabbed a thumb over his shoulder to the court.

Kevin shook his head. “No. I need… a drink.”

Andrew’s expression darkened. He snatched Kevin’s phone, and for a moment, he thought he would snap it in half. Instead, he pressed it to his ear.

*

Jean brushed the bloody strands of Nathaniel’s hair out of his face. “I’m sorry,” he whispered in French. He had failed him. And Kevin had been no help. He didn’t know what to do. If there was internal bleeding, only the nurse would be able to do anything. He couldn’t take him to Josiah until the morning.

Nathaniel’s phone rang, and Jean almost ignored it, but the unknown number sent a flare of rage through him.

“What?” Jean snapped.

“Jean,” An unfamiliar voice said his name. “Listen to me carefully because I’m not going to repeat myself. You’re going to get Nathaniel into a car and drive him to the airport.”

“What? No.”

“Jean,” the man’s voice was warning.

“You’re the goalie. The one who protects Kevin.” They knew all about Andrew.

“And he catches on.”

Jean was silent for a moment before asking. “You will protect Nathaniel?” The desperation in his tone had him clawing at his own throat. He should have protected him.

There was a pause before Andrew spoke again. “I will under one condition.”

Jean held his breath, waiting for an impossible price.

“You come with or let him and Kevin go. Never speak to them again.”

Jean let out a noise that closely resembled a whimper. Kevin, he had already let go, but Nathaniel? But he couldn’t go with. His place was here.

He heard Kevin in the background objecting.

“I cannot go.”

“Then you let them go.”

The idea brought tears to Jean’s eyes. He didn’t know if they were tears of sadness or anger or perhaps frustration.

“Do we have a deal?”

“He’s my partner,” Jean’s voice was a whisper. He didn’t say that he was more than that. Nathaniel was his rock. His life vest. His love. His everything.

“Tick tock, Jean, Nathaniel’s dying.”

The awful reminder snapped his attention back to the unconscious man in front of him. ‘If he dies, his blood is on your hands.’

“Deal,” Jean whispered.

-

He waited until he was sure everyone was asleep. Andrew told him he had two hours. One had passed. He had hoped Nathaniel would wake and tell Jean that he was fine. But he didn’t move. Jean had cleaned any cuts the best he could, but without knowing the extent of his injuries, there was only so much he could do.

He tried not to look at Nathaniel lying across his backseat as he drove to the airport. He was sure he could get back in time before anyone noticed he was gone. He knew Riko would be pissed. Just like he was when Kevin left. But Kevin had left willingly. Now he was the one sending Nathaniel away. Riko would never forgive that. But he was Jean Moreau; he would endure.

The blonde goalie showed up with two people in tow. Kevin and a woman he didn’t recognize.

Anger flared at the sight of Kevin. Nathaniel wouldn’t be in this position if it weren’t for him.

“Jean—“ Kevin’s words were cut off by Andrew’s hand on his chest.

Jean wanted to respond, but he’d made a deal. He averted his eyes from Kevin to Andrew.

“You promise you’ll keep him safe?”

“If you keep your end,” Andrew answered darkly.

Jean didn’t want to trust him, but Kevin trusted him, and that would have to be enough. Besides, he’d kept Kevin safe for the past year. He nodded and opened the back door.

Kevin took in a sharp breath.

“Curious. You look perfectly healthy.” Andrew cocked his head.

Kevin’s eyes scanned him for injury.

“He made me leave the room. I don’t— I don’t know why.”

Kevin swore under his breath. “He doesn’t want witnesses when word can back to the— coach Moriyama. He knew he would go too far.”

Jean clenched his jaw and forced himself not to look at Kevin.

Kevin went to reach for Nathaniel, and Jean snapped, “Not you.”

Kevin froze.

Jean cut his eyes to Andrew, waiting for him to take back his promise.

“Jean.” Kevin stepped toward him. He didn’t look away from Andrew’s eyes.

“Jean, look at me.”

He didn’t. He held Andrew’s stare. Hoping it was enough to prove he was willing to do what was necessary. Andrew only stared back, a dead look on his face. This is who he was trusting to look after Nathaniel. He hoped he wasn’t making a mistake.

“Damn it, Andrew,” Kevin snapped.

Andrew rolled his eyes. “You have five minutes,” he said, turning to where the woman had approached Nathaniel. Jean recognized her as their nurse.

He met Kevin’s eyes with as much hatred as he could muster.

“I would never hurt him—“

“You already did. Do you know what Riko did to him when he found out you left? Did he tell you how he took your place at Riko’s side?”

Kevin blanched.

“I do not trust you with him. He is my partner, my—“ the words died on his tongue. He wouldn’t be anymore.

“Jean, don’t go back. Come with us.”

“No. I cannot.”

Andrew grunted in response.

“Please, Andrew can protect you too.”

Jean shook his head. “I— I can’t. My place is at Evermore.”

“Damn it, Jean, listen to me. You can stay with him. Isn’t that what you want?”

Jean glared at him. He wanted nothing more than to stay with Nathaniel. But he could never leave. Nathaniel’s family was important to the Moriyamas. Jean was just a debt to be collected. Nathaniel had been bought, but there was respect for his name. Not Jean’s.

“You don’t deserve him,” Kevin snapped.

Jean recoiled as if he’d been struck. It would have hurt less if he had been. He knew he didn’t. Perhaps that was why he was so willing to let him go. Nathaniel deserved better. He deserved safety and freedom.

“He would do anything for you. He would have died for you. And you can’t even be bothered to live for him. You’re a coward.”

Jean swallowed. He hated hearing that from Kevin. “You’re the one who ran.”

“And I’m better off for it. You would be, too.”

Jean turned his head away. He didn’t want to hear anymore.

“Jean.”

“I am letting him go. Is that not enough?” he whispered in French. “I love him enough to do that. Please do not ask me for more.”

Kevin sighed. “He would want you by his side.”

Jean dug his nails into his palms. “As you have said, I do not deserve him.”

“Kevin, we need to go. He’s heavily concussed and has several broken ribs and a sprained wrist. I can only do so much here.”

“Say your goodbye’s Jean ValJean,” Andrew said from where he was propping Nathaniel up in the backseat of their rental car.

Jean slid into the car beside Nathaniel and brushed his fingers along the undamaged temple. He spoke in French despite knowing Kevin could hear. “I am sorry. I never wish to leave you, but I am not brave like you. I will carry you with me. I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me.” He pressed a kiss to Nathaniel’s forehead, carded his fingers through his auburn strands for the last time.

It took every ounce of self-control to step away. He turned to Andrew with tears in his eyes. “I am trusting you with him. I may not be someone who scares you, but if anything happens to him, I will be.” He wasn’t good at threats, usually being on the receiving end of them. But he needed Andrew to know he was serious. He already felt insane trusting Andrew. But he had kept Kevin safe this long. And he had no other option.

Andrew looked unamused. “Keep your end of the deal, and he’ll be fine.”

Jean nodded, shooting one last glance at Nathaniel before asking. “Can I ask one favor?”

“You’re pushing your luck, Frenchie.”

“Can you just tell me when he wakes? So I know he’s okay?”

Andrew seemed to consider for a moment. And Jean feared he wouldn’t agree.

“Yes,” Kevin answered.

Andrew didn’t agree, but he didn’t argue either, and that would have to be enough.

 

 

Chapter 3: He wouldn't leave me

Two Days Later—

 

A pounding in his head was the first thing Nathaniel noticed when he woke. The second was the sharp pain every time he inhaled. Broken ribs, he guessed. The last thing he remembered was a racquet swinging towards his face. He touched his temple and hissed at the sting.

“Nath.”

The name froze him. Only one person called him that. He blinked, trying to take in his surroundings. The room was dark, and his eyes were taking too long to focus.

“How are you feeling?” A hand grabbed his. It wasn’t a soft touch. It was rougher, but nice. But rough meant not Jean.

He blinked, and Kevin’s worried face came into focus. Was he dreaming?

“Jean,” he said. Riko would have gone after Jean next. Nathaniel had succumbed too quickly.

“Nath, it’s me, Kevin.”

Nathaniel blinked again. Why was Kevin there? He shouldn’t have been there. He scanned for Jean and froze again. He didn’t recognize the room. The floral bedding. The beige walls. He tried to sit up and gasped when pain rocketed through his chest.

“Easy, you’re okay. You’re safe.”

“Where am I? Where’s Jean?”

Kevin gripped his hand tighter. “You’re in South Carolina. Jean is… at Evermore.”

“No.” He couldn’t be. They would never leave each other.

“He called me when Riko—“

“He wouldn’t leave me,” Nathaniel cut in.

Kevin winced. “He wanted you safe.”

“You’re lying. How did I get here?” He wanted to get up, but each movement made his head swim and his chest constrict.

“Jean met us at the airport, and we drove you back.”

“We? Us?” Nathaniel frowned. Kevin was the only one in the room with him.

“Andrew and Abby.”

“Jean wouldn’t have left me.” He shook his head and nearly threw up as the room spun violently.

Kevin pressed his forehead to Nathaniel’s. “You don’t remember, but when he said goodbye, he—“

Nathaniel clenched his eyes closed. Jean wouldn’t say goodbye. He wouldn’t.

Kevin slipped into French before continuing. “He said he was sorry and that he never wished to leave you, but that he was not brave like you. He said he will carry you with him. And he hopes one day you will find it in your heart to forgive him.”

Nathaniel pulled away from Kevin. “You’re lying,” he snapped in English. “He wouldn’t leave me.”

“He didn’t leave you. He saved you.”

Nathaniel scoffed. “I’m fine.”

“Sure, if you think three broken ribs, a sprained wrist, and a nasty concussion are fine.” A man spoke from the door. Coach Wymack. Kevin’s father.

Seeing him made Nathaniel’s heart sink. He had hoped that Kevin was lying about his whereabouts.

“I can’t be here. Riko will—“

“Riko won’t do anything. I’ve already been in contact with your coach. With a little help, I’m working on getting you released from your contract. I’ve threatened to go to their president with not one but two accounts of brutal attacks on their players, with medical paperwork as proof.”

Nathaniel looked from Wymack to Kevin. “Jean is still there.”

Wymack gave him a sympathetic look. “From what I hear, Kevin tried to convince him to come with you, but he wouldn’t.”

“I want to speak with him.”

“He won’t answer,” Kevin said.

Nathaniel shot him a glare. “I want to speak with him.” He held his breath as Kevin fished his phone from his pocket.

“Calling him is dangerous. I’ll text him.”

Nathaniel reached out and snatched the phone from Kevin. He sucked in a sharp breath as pain coursed through him. He pulled up Jean’s number and hesitated. His wrist throbbed under the weight of the phone. A sprained wrist, Wymack had said.

“Are you safe?” was all he said. He typed it in French just in case. If Kevin was lying, he would know, if Jean didn’t respond.

“Is he awake?” The response made him frown.

Nathaniel dialed the number and waited. Jean picked up almost immediately. “Kevin, please tell me he is okay.”

“Jean,” Nathaniel’s voice was barely a whisper.

He was met with silence.

“Jean, what happened? Where are you?”

Kevin glanced anxiously over his shoulder down the hall.

He was met with silence.

“Jean.”

Whispered French reached his ears. “Stay safe.” Before the line went dead.

Nathaniel stared down at the phone.

“Riveting conversation?” A new voice asked from the doorway. Wymack was gone, and in his place was the blonde goalie, Andrew.

“He hung up,” Nathaniel said, looking at Kevin.

Kevin took the phone but said nothing.

“Probably for the best.” Andrew stepped into the room.

“For the best?” Nathaniel snapped. “None of this is for the best. He’s alone. He—“

“Made that choice,” Kevin shot back. “He should have agreed when I left, and maybe you would be—“

“Don’t,” Nathaniel growled. He would not listen to Kevin blame Jean. “It is my job to protect him. How can I do that from here?”

“It was his job to protect you, and he failed.” Kevin’s voice was raised.

“I made him a promise, Kevin. I don’t like to break them. You brought me here. You made me break that promise. Don’t think I’ll forgive you for that. Not ever.”

Andrew cocked his head. “Jean made you break that promise. Not Kevin. Jean called. He asked me to protect you. We tried to get him to come too. He wouldn’t. Kept saying his place was at Evermore.” He waved an annoyed hand.

Disbelief and confusion warred within Nathaniel. Would Jean really do that? “He asked you to protect me? Why?”

“Guess he thought I was doing a good enough job with him.” Andrew nodded to Kevin.

“So what, he just handed over my unconscious body and left?”

Andrew shrugged. “Pretty much.”

Nathaniel wanted to knock that bored expression off Andrew’s face.

“Nath—“

“He wouldn’t leave me.” The words didn’t even sound believable to his own ears. All signs pointed to that not being true.

“Denial. Boring.” Andrew waved two fingers dismissively.

“Leave.” Nathaniel didn’t want Andrew’s protection. He expected an argument or refusal, but Andrew turned and left the room without another word. He replayed all the information he’d been given and looked at Kevin.

“How long have I been here?”

“Two days.”

Nathaniel bit his bottom lip. Jean had been alone for two days.

“He just wanted you safe. He thought you were going to die.”

“I thought he loved me.” Nathaniel had never been able to say those words. They were empty words that people said and didn’t mean. Promises meant more to Nathaniel than words. His promise to never leave Jean had been as good as a love confession. He did love Jean. He meant the world to him. But Jean had passed him off like he was nothing. And he couldn’t even be bothered to say anything when he called. It didn’t make sense.

“He did.”

“Just not enough to keep me.”

Kevin sighed. “What you and Jean had wasn’t…“

Nathaniel shot him a look.

“It was born from fear and desperation. You only had each other to cling to. That’s not love.”

“But what you and Thea had was?” Nathaniel snapped.

Kevin tensed. But before Nathaniel could be proud of the hit, Kevin responded. “No. I realized it was like that for us, too. I haven’t spoken to her since I left.”

Nathaniel gaped at him.

“I don’t doubt that you two cared for each other, but you two both deserve different. You two fell into these roles. He needed someone to care for him, and you needed someone to care for.”

He scoffed. “Tell me, Kevin Day, what do I deserve? Who do I need?”

“You need someone to be by your side and help you take the hits. You need someone who can stand on their own two legs. Who isn’t afraid of your scars. Someone who doesn’t handle you with gentle hands. You think I didn’t see the way you flinched when he touched you too softly. The way your teeth would grit through it. It made you feel fragile. You’re not fragile.”

Nathaniel’s stomach knotted. He and Kevin had been friends since they were twelve. He shouldn’t have been surprised that he knew him. He knew Kevin just as well. It still grated on him.

“So what, I should have been with Riko? He didn’t handle me with gentle hands.” He gestured to himself.

Kevin’s shoulders dropped. “I’m just saying. Maybe him letting you go was for the best.”

“Letting me go. Like I’m some caged bird that needed to be released.” Nathaniel sneered.

“You were. So was I.”

“And Jean?”

“He’s clipping his own wings.”

Nathaniel had never allowed himself to be upset with Jean for not agreeing to go when Kevin left. But he couldn’t push down the anger he felt at being ‘let go’. He had stayed for Jean, endured by his side, and Jean couldn’t even do the same. He would rather stay caged than be free with him. The realization that Jean didn’t trust him to protect him outside the nest settled heavily in his gut.

“You should rest.”

“Send the goalie back in.”

Kevin nodded and left. After several minutes, Nathaniel thought Andrew wouldn’t come.

“I don’t like to be summoned.”

“Shut up.”

Andrew’s jaw clenched ever so slightly.

“I don’t know what you think you’re going to get out of this, but I’m not playing your games. I don’t want your protection.”

“Too bad. I made a promise.”

Nathaniel’s eyes darkened. Andrew had been standing there when he talked about what promises meant to him.

“I won’t play your game.”

“Exy’s not my game.”

“You know what I mean. Kevin told me you work in transactions. I won’t be giving you anything.” He had asked about why Andrew followed him so closely and had scoffed when Kevin told him they had an agreement.

“I don’t want anything from you.”

Nathaniel narrowed his eyes. “So what are you getting out of this?”

Andrew considered him for a moment. “I needed Kevin’s head clear. He hasn’t shut up about you since he left. Always fussing over you and checking in. I need him focused.”

“So you agreed to bring me under your wing.” his tone was doubtful.

“From what I hear, you do a pretty good job of looking after yourself, shouldn’t be too hard for me.”

Nathaniel scoffed and looked away. When he looked back, Andrew was gone.

 

 

Chapter 4: Swing

June—

 

Recovery was long, and Nathaniel was dying to get back onto the court. Coach Moriyama had agreed to sign Nathaniel over to the Foxes. He tried not to scoff at the downgrade. He was just thankful to be out from under Evermore’s thumb.

“How are you feeling?” Kevin asked. He was practically bouncing on his toes.

“I’m fine.”

The other members around him groaned, and he noticed money being passed around.

“I’m telling you it’s his catchphrase.” Nicky smiled, pocketing the money Dan and Aaron gave him.

“Seriously, how are you feeling?” Kevin asked again more pointedly.

“I’m f—“ he sighed. “I’ve been worse.”

“Not any better, Nath.”

He tensed at the nickname. Kevin didn’t always use it, but when he did, it rocked Nathaniel back a bit. He recalled the first time Riko heard him use it. He’d punished them both. It was only ever used in private after that, so it was strange that Kevin had taken to using it more.

“I was cleared enough to get on the court. So, can we go? I haven’t been on one in almost two months.”

“Junkie,” he heard Andrew mutter. Nathaniel hadn’t been subtle about ignoring him since he’d been there, but Andrew stuck to him like gum on the bottom of his shoe. It had, unfortunately, made the transition to having no partner a little more bearable. Because as much as he disliked Andrew, he at least knew how to be quiet. He was rarely left alone. And when he was, he found it easier than he imagined. The fresh air. The night sky. Things he’d missed while in the nest.

He whirled on Andrew and crossed his arms. “Are you actually gonna try, or are you just gonna take up space on the court?” That was one of the main reasons he didn’t like Andrew. He was wasted potential.

The room silenced around them. All eyes fell on Andrew.

“Nath,” Kevin’s tone was warning.

“Are you gonna give me a reason to try?” Andrew smiled. It was a smile that should have unsettled Nathaniel. It was so similar to his own smile. At least the threatening one that he’d adopted from his father.

“I’m not your answer.”

Andrew’s smile widened before a laugh slipped out. “Oh, I like you like this. You’re actually interesting.”

Nathaniel ignored him and went to the court door.

They practiced drills which would have been boring if each swing didn’t make Nathaniel’s chest pinch. They were currently swinging on the goal, where Andrew was actually blocking, when he winced a little too hard and chucked the ball directly into Andrew’s waiting net.

Andrew stalked toward Nathaniel, his eyes dark. “What are you doing?”

Nathaniel only stared at him.

Andrew’s eyes slid down to where Nathaniel hadn’t realized he was guarding his side. “You’re done. Get off the court.”

“I’m fine.”

“I wasn’t asking.”

“And neither was I.” Nathaniel turned and scooped up the next ball.

Andrew’s grip on Nathaniel’s arm made him tense. The grip instantly shifted from his arm to just his sleeve. “You want to continue to step onto this court? You need to take it slow. Be done. You’re no good to us if you’re hurt.”

“I’ve played full games in worse shape. I’m—“

“If you say you’re fine one more time, I will re-break your ribs.”

Nathaniel had half a mind to call him on his bluff, but he’d heard the rumors of Andrew’s violence.

The pair stared each other down, neither one willing to give in. Until Kevin ran over.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

Neither one answered.

“Nath?” Kevin’s nickname jolted him from Andrew’s piercing amber eyes.

“I’m feeling… winded. I’m gonna take a break.” He spoke through clenched teeth. He pushed past Kevin and stalked off the court.

Later, when practice was over, Kevin pulled him aside.

“What was that earlier with Andrew?”

The French made Nathaniel’s stomach vault, and he nearly vomited. He’d spent the past two months trying not to think about Jean.

“Don’t,” He whispered in English.

Kevin had the sense to look guilty before switching to Japanese. “Is this better?”

Nathaniel had resented learning Japanese when he joined Evermore. He used it as little as he could, but it didn’t hurt like French now did.

“Andrew was just being… protective. I hate him.”

Kevin huffed a laugh. “You get used to him.”

“I don’t want to.”

Nathaniel yanked off his shirt and tossed it aside. Nicky let out a long, low whistle.

“Please tell me you swing for my team.”

Nathaniel frowned. “Obviously?”

“Wait, really?” Nicky’s face lit up.

Nathaniel glanced at Kevin. How did Nicky not know that? “You all had to agree to sign me, I thought?”

Aaron snickered from his locker.

“Not what he meant,” Kevin explained. “He means, do you swing toward guys or girls?”

Nathaniel shrugged. “I swing towards the goal.”

“Junkie,” he heard Andrew mutter.

“Yeah, yeah, sure, but really though.”

Nathaniel sighed. “If my previous answer wasn’t good enough for you, then how about this one. I don’t swing.”

“Wait, what? Either way? It’s okay if you swing both ways. I had a friend in—“

“Drop it, Nicky,” Andrew’s voice was warning.

Nathaniel shot him a glare. He hated when he did that. Jumping to his defense. He didn’t need his protection.

“Right, dropping it.” Nicky put his hands up in mock surrender. But his eyes scanned over him. Nathaniel had not been allowed to hide his scars at Evermore, but he hated them being on display. He tried not to recoil under Nicky’s stare. He finished shedding his uniform and headed to the showers.

 

Chapter 5: Neil

July—

Nathaniel didn’t know how he got roped into a trip to Columbia with the monsters. He had not wanted to go, but he had let Kevin convince him. Andrew wouldn’t let them go without him. Now he was wearing an outfit that Andrew had picked for him, sitting between the blonde and Kevin, with a drink he refused to touch in front of him.

“Don’t like your drink?” Andrew asked in a bored tone. He was beginning to tell the difference between a medicated Andrew and a non-medicated Andrew.

“I don’t drink.”

“Neither did Kevin when he joined. He found Vodka to be the least offensive to his diet restrictions.” Andrew nodded to where Kevin had finished his drink and two shots already. He hadn’t realized Kevin had vanished onto the dancefloor.

He sighed. “I don’t drink for a very different reason than the raven’s diet restrictions.”

This seemed to pique Andrew’s interest, though his expression didn’t show it. “Oh?”

Nathaniel chewed his cheek. He didn’t know how much Kevin had told Andrew about him. And he wasn’t going to offer any information he didn’t already have.

“Fine. You don’t want to tell me? Let’s trade for it.”

“I told you I wasn’t going to play your game.”

“No promises. No deals. Just a truth for a truth.”

Nathaniel met Andrew’s bored stare and saw the interest still in his eyes. He was confusing, and it made Nathaniel curious. “Fine.” He conceded.

“Why don’t you drink?”

“Because then I can’t fight back.” He didn’t meet Andrew’s eyes as he said it.

“Did you ever fight back? Those scars are awfully deep.”

“They aren’t all from Riko.” He snapped his mouth shut. That had been too much information.

“Who are they from?”

“You already asked two questions. My turn. What did Kevin promise you in return for his protection?”

“You’ll have to ask him,” Andrew said.

Nathaniel hadn’t expected an answer, but it annoyed him anyway. “I’m asking you.”

“Ask something else.”

Nathaniel’s eyes cut to where Kevin was on the dance floor. It was strange to see him like that. So carefree. He wondered what it would look like for Jean to be so carefree.

“Did you offer Jean the same deal?”

He felt Andrew pause next to him. “He wouldn’t take it.”

Nathaniel tried not to flinch. No matter how many times he heard it, it still stung.

“How often do you have to use knives that you keep them on you?”

Andrew’s eyes snapped toward him.

“They’re sheaths, right?” He glanced down at the armbands.

Andrew slipped a dagger out of one to show it off. “I like to have them just in case.”

Nathaniel didn’t take his eyes off the blade. He could practically feel it sliding beneath his skin. He didn’t look away until Andrew had re-sheathed it.

“Who are the scars from?”

He swallowed. “My father.” Vague enough.

“Why are you here if you hate Exy so much?”

Andrew’s eyes flicked to the dance floor. Nathaniel hummed. It was as close to an answer as he was going to get, he guessed. He was learning a lot just from the answers and non-answers he was getting. Andrew gave away a lot if you knew how to look. And Nathaniel was learning how to look.

“One more round,” Andrew said. He waited for Nathaniel to agree before asking, “Why are promises so important to you?”

Nathaniel considered the answer for a moment. He remembered the promises his mother had made him. ‘I won’t let them take you, I promise.’ He hadn’t understood. She’d been packing a bag for him when she said it. It wasn’t until two years later that he understood. When his father had dragged them home and he’d been brought to the court to meet Riko and Kevin. He’d hated the nest immediately. He’d begged his mother not to make him go. She had whispered another promise in his ear. That she would rescue him. Two weeks later, he found out she was dead.

“Because no one ever kept the ones they promised me. And I won’t be like them.” Except he was. He had broken his promise to Jean.

Andrew snatched the tray of empty glasses, nearly sending them careening into the ground, and marched to the bar.

Nathaniel wondered how long they would be there. It was loud and there were too many people. He wanted to go home. Home. He didn’t have a home. Never had really. Evermore was the closest thing. No. Jean was the closest thing. His heart ached for him. Even his too-gentle touches. He had tried to reach out, but he never got a response.

“Hey, handsome, what are you doing over here all by yourself?” A guy took a seat next to him, far too close. He had a drink in one hand.

Nathaniel looked at him and waited. Was he supposed to know him? Brown hair, bright blue eyes. He didn’t recognize him.

The guy nudged his shoulder. “I’m Declan.”

“Is that name supposed to mean something to me?” He hadn’t met a Declan that he could recall.

“This is the part where you tell me your name.”

“Why would I do that?”

Declan laughed. “Playing hard to get, alright, I get it.”

Nathaniel frowned. Hard to get? What was he talking about? He glanced at the dance floor to see Kevin with Nicky and Aaron still. Was this man sent as a distraction? Why was he here?

“You wanna dance?”

“No.”

Declan shifted, and Nathaniel scanned him for any hidden weapons he might be about to pull. He appeared unarmed. No holster on his belt. No sheaths. His boots were too small to be hiding any.

“Like what you see?”

Nathaniel blinked at him. “What?”

Declan opened his mouth to respond, but another voice cut in.

“Move.”

Andrew stared down at Declan.

“There’s plenty of space, I’m sure you can find another seat to—“

“Leave.” Andrew slid a knife from its sheath.

“Whoa, okay. Chill out.” Declan jumped to his feet, his hands up as he backed away. But Nathaniel didn’t pay him any mind. His attention stayed on the gleam of metal in Andrew’s hand. Only when it was tucked away did he meet Andrew’s eyes.

“Don’t swing, huh?”

Nathaniel gave him a confused look.

“You checked him out. He was hitting on you.”

Nathaniel swung his head, looking for Declan, but he was gone. “Wait, no I didn’t.”

“The casual body scan, not so casual,” Andrew pointed out, taking the drinks off the tray.

“I was checking for weapons. I wasn’t looking at him like that.” Nathaniel sneered.

Andrew didn’t say anything.

“And all he did was ask my name and if I wanted to dance.”

“Who did?” Nicky asked, approaching the table, his fingers already wrapping around his new drink. Aaron and Kevin were in tow.

“That Declan guy.”

Kevin raised a brow. “Already getting hit on?”

Nathaniel frowned.

“I told you you’re oblivious.”

“Does that happen a lot?” Nicky asked eagerly.

“Every game. He left with like five phone numbers once.”

Nathaniel remembered that night. He had been so confused when two girls had shoved a piece of paper into his hand with two phone numbers on it. They’d disappeared before he could ask them why.

“Geez, Nathaniel’s got more game than I do. How many of them did you call?”

“None.” He scoffed.

“You didn’t even hook up with one or two?”

Nathaniel sneered. “What? No.”

“Ravens aren’t allowed to have relationships. The only interaction with others we’re allowed is within the nest,” Kevin explained.

“Wait, so did you two…?” Nicky gestured between Kevin and Nathaniel.

“Absolutely not.”

“God no.”

“I’ve never hooked up with anyone.” Nathaniel had learned from a young age that relationships were a distraction, and Riko didn’t tolerate distractions. Neither had his mother. Jean had been… a comfort. But they’d never slept together.

“Wait… never?” Nicky looked to Kevin like he would tell him something different.

“It’s hard to hide that kind of thing in the nest. I’ve only ever seen Nathaniel kiss someone. And it was only one person.” Kevin’s eyes were on him.

“Oh you are a tease.” Nicky laughed. “I bet you’re a good one too.”

“Nicky,” Andrew’s tone warned.

Nathaniel tensed. He hated that Andrew continued to do that. He wanted to escape his ever-watchful eyes.

When Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron disappeared back onto the dance floor, Andrew set his glass down. “Question.”

“I don’t have anything I want to ask you,” Nathaniel said.

“Think of something.”

He shot him a glare, but Andrew continued. “Was it Jean?”

Nathaniel knew what he was asking. He wasn’t sure he wanted to answer. He debated not answering for a minute, but he was sure his non-answer would be just as damning. At least this way, he could get something from Andrew. “Yes.”

He could see the satisfied look in Andrew’s eyes. He hated it.

“Why do you do that?”

Andrew raised a brow as if asking him to clarify.

“Every time Nicky says something to me, you warn him off with that stupid tone of yours.”

“Stupid tone?”

“The one that’s supposed to make you so scary.”

Andrew stared at him for a long moment.

“Well?”

“It’s my job to protect you, even if it’s from Nicky.”

Nathaniel’s jaw clenched. “I told you I don’t want your protection.”

“And I told you, too bad.”

Nathaniel scoffed and pushed from his seat. He needed air. A luxury he wasn’t soon to forgo. He had always fought against the rules of the nest. Disappearing to be alone. At least until Jean showed up. Jean never let Nathaniel out of his sight. So even when he snuck off to be alone, he was never alone. There was always Jean.

He pulled out his phone and, with shaking hands, dialed Jean’s number. It rang. And rang. And rang. He snapped it closed and shoved his hands into his hair, yanking hard as if he could rip Jean from his mind. Erase every memory of him. Was he even alive? He had no way of knowing. The idea that Jean could be dead because he’d saved Nathaniel had his chest constricting. He slammed his head back against the brick wall and tried to breathe. But he found each breath was harder and harder to take. He slid down the wall, his knees tucking into his chest. He clenched his hands so hard his nails dug into his palms. His vision wavered as his breathing grew faster and more shallow. He didn’t know what was happening to him.

Footsteps sounded and stopped in front of him. He looked up to see Andrew. His eyes were gold under the streetlights.

A pressure on the back of his neck forced his head forward toward Andrew.

“Breathe.” It wasn’t a gentle coaxing or a suggestion. It was an order. Nathaniel tried to oblige, but he couldn’t get the air in.

The grip on the back of his neck tightened, and it was like being anchored. He closed his eyes and focused on the pressure. He inhaled, and finally, air reached his lungs.

“Stop.” Andrew smacked his hands. Nathaniel looked down at his now unclasped hands and saw the small pricks of blood on his palms.

“Get up.” Andrew grabbed his elbow and hauled him to his feet. Each command was like a weight in his pocket, keeping him grounded.

“He won’t talk to me. How do I know he’s not dead?” The words slipped from his mouth before he could stop them.

“You don’t.”

Nathaniel couldn’t help the huffed laugh that bubbled out of him. Jean would have tried to reassure him. He would have lied, fed him some false hope he didn’t want.

“Thank you.” As if he’d been burned, Andrew released him.

“Don’t.” He held up a finger in warning.

“Don’t?”

“Thank me.”

“Fine, fuck you. Better?”

Andrew didn’t respond. He only stared Nathaniel down. He hated being under that stare. It did something to him. Perhaps it was the idea of being seen. For someone who lied as much as Nathaniel, it was an awful feeling. He wondered what Andrew saw when he looked at him.

“I want to make a deal.”

Andrew quirked a brow. “I thought you didn’t want to play my game.”

Nathaniel shrugged.

Andrew waved two fingers impatiently as if telling him to get on with it.

“I want you to stop protecting me.”

Andrew’s eyes narrowed. “No.” He turned to leave, but Nathaniel cut in front of him. He reached out to put a hand on his chest and stopped a few inches away.

Andrew’s eyes watched his hand the way Nathaniel watched knives. That was interesting. He knew Andrew didn’t like to be touched, but that was a fear response. He tucked that away for later.

“Hear me out at least?” He asked, dropping his hand.

Andrew’s eyes were back on his face. “No.”

“Come on. There has to be something you want.”

“I don’t want anything.” Andrew side-stepped him, and this time Nathaniel let him go. Instead, he trudged in behind him.

“There you are. I was worried when— What’s wrong?” Kevin’s eyes glanced between Andrew and Nathaniel.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Nath. I can see it on your face.”

There was a beat of silence before Nathaniel responded. “I tried to call Jean.”

Kevin cut his eyes to Andrew. “You need to stop tormenting yourself with this.”

Nathaniel let out a scoff. “I know you and Jean weren’t as close, but you can’t tell me you aren’t worried for him.

Another glance at Andrew. “Of course, but we gave him the option to come with us. He said no. We can’t keep bleeding for him.”

Nathaniel had always been quick to anger thanks to his inherited temper. But the sudden heat toward Kevin was a blazing inferno in record time. He stepped forward. “I would bleed for him until death came for me.”

“It almost did. Why do you think he let you go? He’d rather you live than die for him.”

“He let me go because your last words to him were that if I died, my blood was on his hands.”

“And I stand by that.”

“Fuck you, Kevin.” He went to step past, but Kevin caught his arm. A tight grip that held him in place.

“I get it. I felt similarly when I left Riko—“

“Do not compare Jean and Riko. They are not the same.” Nathaniel’s anger was searing hot. He yanked from Kevin’s grip.

“Maybe not. But their effect on us is.”

Nathaniel’s jaw clenched. He had never hit Kevin before. He wondered how Andrew would react if he did.

Kevin sighed and slid two fingers along the length of Nathaniel’s jaw. The touch made his skin crawl, and he found himself recoiling. The touch was a familiar one.

“What are you doing?”

“Jean used to do that when you were mad.” He hadn’t realized Kevin noticed.

Next, Kevin’s hand slid along the back of his neck, soft and gentle, curling the hair at the nape. Nathaniel gritted his teeth. And he caught Kevin’s wrist with a trembling hand.

“Let go, Kevin.” Andrew’s tone was tight, but he didn’t intervene.

“I’m just trying to comfort you the way he did.” Kevin’s lips quirked. And Nathaniel knew what he was doing. He was proving a point. The soft prickling, like a nearby blade, stayed on the back of his neck. He’d always hated how soft Jean’s touches were, but he hated Kevin’s more.

Kevin was shoved back, and the feeling vanished. He let out a slow breath.

Andrew stood between them now. “Don’t do it again.”

Kevin held his hands up. But his eyes were on Nathaniel. “See?”

“Fuck you, Day.”

Kevin laughed, and Nathaniel decided he didn’t like when Kevin drank.

Andrew turned to face him when Kevin headed back to the table. His eyes dropped to where Nathaniel’s hands were still trembling. He clenched them so they would stop. They didn’t.

“So what, you’re protecting me from Kevin now?” he snapped, trying to pull Andrew’s attention from his too obvious discomfort.

Andrew didn’t respond. He was doing it again. Looking. Seeing.

“So what happens when we threaten each other? You pick a favorite?” Nathaniel taunted. He needed Andrew to stop looking through him, like he could see every emotion laid out bare.

“Don’t make me have to.”

“What?”

Andrew wasn’t going to repeat himself. Instead, he turned to follow after Kevin.

“Andrew.”

He paused.

“Make me a promise.”

Andrew turned back to face him. “I’m not gonna stop protecting you.”

“Not that.”

He cocked his head and asked, “Why should I?”

“You like being trusted with them.” Nathaniel shrugged.

Andrew’s eyes darkened, but his expression remained vacant.

“I trust you to keep mine.”

For a moment, it looked like Andrew was going to snap. He saw an anger rise in his eyes before being immediately tamped out.

“What do you want?”

“If it ever comes down to me or him. Choose him.” Nathaniel had always assumed that of the three of them that Kevin would be the one to get out. If Riko ever came for them, Kevin needed to be the one to live.

“Nobody likes a martyr.”

“Promise me.”

“What do I get in return?”

Nathaniel braced. “What do you want?”

That darkness was back. “I don’t want.”

Nathaniel quirked a brow. That was interesting. “Okay fine, what will you take?”

Andrew paused a moment as if he were considering the answer. “Your cooperation.”

This gave him pause. Cooperation? For what?

“Stop fighting my protection. Let me keep my promise.”

Nathaniel’s shoulders dropped. He cut a glance to where Kevin was tipping back the last of his drink. He could see the scars on the back of his hand from here. Flashes of blood and bone churned his stomach.

“Deal.”

-

Nathaniel smirked to himself as he saw Kevin lying back on the couch. The Columbia house was nice but small. He offered to take the recliner so Kevin could keep the couch. But the opportunity was too good to pass up.

Kevin’s eyes went wide. “Nathaniel, no—“ But it was too late. Nathaniel had thrust himself over the end of the couch. Kevin let out a grunted laugh as Nathaniel’s weight landed on top of him.

“Damn it, Wesninski.”

Nathaniel smiled. He settled his head on Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin wrapped his arms around him tightly. The position was similar to nights with Jean. It made Nathaniel miss him. Kevin’s touch was different. Jean would trace gentle circles on his back and card his long fingers through his hair. Feather-light touches that made him grit his teeth. He would never deny Jean, though. His discomfort was a small price to pay for Jean.

“I’m sorry about earlier.”

He tensed.

“I know Jean and Riko aren’t the same. When I first got here, my every thought was Riko. Would Riko be mad? What would Riko say in this moment? It was exhausting. I still find myself wondering sometimes. But it’s better. I know you do the same. You wonder what Jean would say or think. I just want you to start living for you, Nath.” Kevin squeezed his shoulder.

Nathaniel bit his bottom lip. “I don’t know how to live without him.”

“Do you love him?”

Nathaniel scoffed and went to pull away, but Kevin held on. “It’s okay if you do.”

“We don’t know what love is, Kev. None of us do.” Nathaniel only knew fear and survival.

“There are different types of love, you know.”

“I know.”

“Jean loved you in a way you couldn’t love him. And that’s okay. You loved him in your own way.”

He hadn’t realized Kevin paid such close attention. He’d disapproved of their relationship. But he’d assumed it was because of what Riko would do if he found out. But perhaps he saw that it wasn’t good for them. Nathaniel needed someone solid, and Jean needed someone soft.

“I miss him,” Nathaniel whispered. Good for him or not, he couldn’t deny he wished it were Jean he was lying on top of.

“I do too. But Andrew was right. I can’t move forward if I’m still looking back. And I want to move forward. I want you to move forward.”

“But what about Jean?”

“He made his choice. Now we have to respect it.”

“I worry about him. He’ll be at Riko’s side now. He’ll take every hit.” The thought made Nathaniel ache.

“I tried to get him to leave. You know how he is.”

Nathaniel nodded. The pair lay in silence before Nathaniel spoke up again.

“I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be Nathaniel.”

“Then don’t be.” Kevin squeezed his shoulder again.

“I think I want to go by Neil.” That felt right. Pulling his father from his identity.

Kevin took a moment before he said, “Neil.”

Neil liked the weight of Kevin’s arms around him. It was like he was being held in place. They hadn’t been this close since they were kids. It was familiar. Much better than the feather-light touches Kevin gave him earlier.

-

Neil woke to the sound of hushed voices. He shifted and froze at the weight draped across him. He blinked open his eyes to see the back of a couch. Shit. He’d fallen asleep on Kevin last night.

“They’re cute together,” Nicky said in a hushed tone.

Neil scrambled out of Kevin’s grasp and onto his feet.

Kevin grunted at the sudden disturbance. “Nath?” He blinked and then looked to where Nicky, Aaron, and Andrew were watching.

“Sorry, Kev, I didn’t mean to.” Neil ran a hand along the back of his neck.

Kevin waved a hand before rolling over with a groan.

“So much for not swinging,” Nicky teased.

“I don’t. Kevin is like a brother to me.”

“I don’t sleep with my brother like that,” Aaron said, a grimace on his face.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep. We were talking.”

Nicky plastered a wide grin across his face. “Well, anytime you ever feel like talking, you just let me know. We can talk all night long.”

Andrew struck out and shoved Nicky up against the wall. “Nicky.” He wore that awful grin again. “How many times do I have to tell you?”

“I know. I’m sor— I won’t do it again.”

“Next time you do, I’ll cut out that loose tongue of yours.”

Neil was moving toward Andrew as soon as he saw him pull the knife. His eyes didn’t leave it as he put a hand between them. Forcing Andrew to look away from Nicky.

“It’s fine. Let him go.” He wanted to meet Andrew’s eyes, but he couldn’t drag his own away from the thin metal pressed to Nicky’s stomach.

“We had a deal,” Andrew said.

“I’m not objecting. I’m asking you to let him go.” He swallowed as Andrew shifted the blade. It disappeared back into its sheath, and Neil’s eyes lifted to Andrew’s finally.

Nicky deflated when Andrew released him. When he was out of the room, Aaron spoke. “Why do you instigate him?”

“I don’t mean to.”

“Nath?” Neil snapped his head toward Kevin.

“Neil.”

Nicky let out a squeak.

“Right, Neil. You good?”

He nodded. He knew Kevin had seen him move toward the knife, something he would never do. But he wasn’t going to let Andrew gut Nicky over a flirty comment.

“Wait, I thought you were telling Kevin to kneel.” Nicky let out a huffed laugh.

“Yeah, honestly, I was too,” Aaron looked between Kevin and Neil.

“No, I want to start going by Neil.”

 

Chapter 6: A knife

August—

 

It was the middle of the night, and Neil couldn’t sleep. He kept searching the room for Jean, despite knowing he wouldn’t be there. Nights like this were the hardest. Matt was there, and that helped. But it wasn’t enough. He slipped into the hall and tried to call Jean. He’d likely be asleep, but in the off chance he wasn’t… It didn’t matter how many times he called, his breath still held, and he let himself hope. And every time he snapped the phone shut when it went to voicemail. His legs bounced in place. He was feeling antsy. He had always loved to run. Perhaps it was from spending two years doing just that. But it made him feel better. Jean had loathed him for it. He ran lap after lap around the court in the nest, wishing it was anywhere else. Jean had tried to run with him for the first few months before deciding to watch from the bench. Now that he was free from Evermore, he took to running outside. He loved it. The fresh air. The weather on his face. It really felt like freedom.

He didn’t usually run so late, but he doubted he’d get back to sleep anytime soon. He started along his usual path and ran until he found himself coming up on the foxhole court. He noticed Andrew’s car in the parking lot. That was strange.

He headed inside and found Kevin on the court working Raven drills with his right hand. But he was alone.

“I told him you’d find out,” A voice spoke from behind him. He turned to see Andrew on the steps, a shiny blade spinning between his fingers.

Neil’s eyes locked on the blade. “He’s doing Raven drills.”

Andrew tucked the blade away.

Neil met his eyes. “How often does he do this?”

“Nightly.”

Neil scoffed. He watched Kevin attempt the same drills they spent hours on at the nest. He had a long way to go still. He shouldn’t be surprised that Kevin was working extra hard. The Ravens had switched districts specifically so they could play against the Foxes. Kevin had to be ready.

“Truth?”

He glanced at Andrew, who was watching him with that bored expression. His medicine must have been winding down.

“Okay.” He actually found he liked this back and forth with Andrew. Despite not being allowed to lie.

“Why do you hate knives so much?”

Neil took in a sharp breath and turned away from Andrew. “I can’t answer that one.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

He didn’t respond. He heard movement behind him but didn’t turn to look, instead keeping his eyes on Kevin. He moved with the same grace as he did back in the nest. Even if his aim wasn’t perfect with his right hand.

“You look like you’ve had run-ins with things way more interesting than a knife.”

“Why do you like them so much?” Neil asked, glancing to where he knew Andrew kept his.

“Answer my question first.”

He couldn’t. Not without telling him something he couldn’t know. He could lie. But he found he didn’t want to. That was a strange feeling. He would have to go for a vague truth. “They were a particular favorite of my father’s.”

“That all?”

Neil huffed a laugh. He watched Kevin aim the ball and actually hit one of the cones. But it didn’t topple. He was just focusing on aiming, it seemed.

When he noticed Andrew still watching him, he realized it wasn’t a rhetorical question. “Have you ever had a knife slide just under your skin? If you go slow enough, you can separate the skin from the muscle in one go. It’s a special kind of painful.”

Andrew’s eyes flicked down as if he could pinpoint the scar he was describing.

Neil lifted the hem of his shirt and showed a long six inch six-inch-wide scar that ran along his side.

Andrew reached out and paused, eyes flicking up almost in question, and then, when Neil didn’t pull away, pressed a finger to the top of the scar. The touch was gentle. A glide of skin that set his teeth on edge. Jean had traced that very scar with his own fingers. He clenched his hand. A gesture he expected to go unnoticed. But he should have known better. Andrew noticed everything.

He paused, glancing up at Neil. His finger pressed against his skin harder, dragging across the scar with a pressure that settled the trepidation in Neil’s chest.

“I like my knives because I spent too much of my life reaching for a weapon that wasn’t there.” Andrew’s finger stopped at the end of Neil’s scar.

That was a curious answer. It made Neil wonder who he needed a weapon against.

“You don’t like light touch, but you don’t mind firm.”

It wasn’t a question, but he nodded, letting the hem of his shirt fall back down when Andrew pulled away.

“Why?”

Neil looked back at the court. “My mom used to use light touch. A hand through my hair, gentle swirls on my back. It was always accompanied with false reassurances and lies. I guess I started to associate the two at some point.” He shrugged.

“So your father used a blade, and your mother was too gentle.”

Neil snorted. “My mother was anything but gentle. She just used those touches when she knew my father was coming to teach me a lesson. The rest of the time her touch was just as sharp as my father’s blades.” He didn’t know why he was telling Andrew all this. Something about the quiet goalie tore down Neil’s defenses. He’d have made a good striker.

Silence settled between them. It was comfortable, though. He watched Kevin practice for a few minutes when Andrew spoke again.

“It’s your turn.”

Neil tossed him a glance. “Do I have to take it now?”

Andrew only shrugged.

“I think I’ll save it.”

When Kevin finished practice, he saw Neil and Andrew, and his eyes narrowed at the blonde. “Did you tell him we were here?”

Andrew didn’t even bother to answer. He simply rolled his eyes and left.

“He didn’t. I saw his car when I was out running. You’re doing Raven drills?”

“Yeah, I am.” Kevin raised his chin like he was waiting for a fight.

“And you’ve been keeping it from me?”

“I knew you’d be pissed.”

“I’m not pissed. I’m surprised. I thought you wanted to move forward.”

Kevin walked toward the locker rooms, and Neil followed. “I am. But as shitty as the nest was, it made me a good player. So I’m implementing some of those skills during my own time.”

Neil couldn’t argue with that. “I want to join.”

Kevin sighed. “I’m not at my best. I can’t keep up with you.”

“I could see that,” Neil snickered, earning a glare.

“Come on. It’ll be like old times. Besides, maybe it’ll help.”

Neil couldn’t help but smile when Kevin agreed.

 

Chapter 7: Deal

September—

Neil spent most of his life nervous and jumpy. It’s what kept him alive. Vigilance. Right now, he was sitting on a hotel bed, his knee bouncing so fast and hard the bed squeaked in tandem. He would normally try to keep a better facade, but he couldn’t be bothered. Not when Andrew saw through him, and Kevin was just as bad, pacing in front of the window with a handle of vodka he’d sequestered from Coach.

“Stop,” Andrew said from his spot on the other bed. He was lying on his back, eyes closed.

Both Kevin and Neil stopped and looked at Andrew, unsure which one he was talking to. Time was passing too slowly. They still had five minutes before they were supposed to meet down in the lobby.

Kevin took another swig of the alcohol.

“You think that’s going to make this any easier, really?” Neil snapped, gesturing to the clear liquid.

“Yes. You should try it. Maybe you’ll loosen up for once.”

“I can’t afford to loosen up, you know that.”

“We’ve got Andrew, we’ll be fine.”

“Andrew can’t be in two places at once,” Neil snapped. “And if he has to choose then—“

“Stop.” Andrew got to his feet in one swift move. His tone was sharp, but his expression flat. His latest dose of his medicine had clearly not kicked in yet.

“Neither of you are to leave my sight.” It wasn’t posed as a question.

Neil rolled his eyes. He wanted to object, but he’d promised Andrew he’d stop fighting him about it.

Kevin glanced at Andrew and slipped into Japanese. “Jean will likely be here.”

Neil sighed. “I know.” It was all he’d thought about the entire ride here. He couldn’t give two shits about Riko. But Jean. What would he say?

“Are you ready for that?”

Neil only shrugged. He could feel Andrew’s eyes on them. He might not have been able to understand what they were saying, but he was reading them. Neil tried not to shudder under the weight of his stare.

“Maybe let him approach you.” Kevin dropped his eyes to the alcohol in his hand.

Neil narrowed his eyes. Why would he suggest that? Jean had been avoiding him for months. He was sure he’d have to be the one to approach Jean. Before he could question him, there was a banging on their door.

“Time to go,” Wymack shouted.

Kevin took another swig of the vodka before setting it on the small table as he passed.

-

The banquet was busy, and Neil found he hated the crowd. There were too many people to keep an eye on. His eyes fell to every exit, and scanned every security guard for weapons. They were unarmed.

Andrew led them to the table they were assigned. Neil sat ramrod straight in his seat when the Ravens walked in. His eyes found Riko at the front before immediately landing on Jean.

Neil had expected his heart to lurch. Or his chest to ache. What he did not expect was the anger that flooded his veins.

Jean’s grey eyes met his as they approached the table before casually falling away. Neil clenched his hands. How could he be so dismissive? After months of nothing. He wanted to be relieved to see him. He was alive and appeared unharmed, for the moment. But the anger drowned out any other emotion. Not that he should have been surprised. Wesninski temper and all.

Riko was the first to speak.

“Nathaniel.”

Neil’s eyes narrowed on him.

“You’ve been missed.” His smile was all teeth. “Isn’t that right, Jean?”

Jean said nothing. His eyes met Neil’s, and he saw the fear. Riko was goading him, and he knew that whatever Neil said, Jean would pay for.

“Why so quiet? You were always so mouthy before.” Riko pressed.

Neil swallowed. He could feel several sets of eyes on him. “I simply have nothing to say.” The words were pushed out through clenched teeth.

Grayson gave a derisive snort. “That’s a first. Your mouth ran so much, all I wanted to do was fill it.”

Neil cut him a sharp look. “It burns you to know you’ll never get the chance.”

“I should have shut you up a long time ago.”

“You could have tried.”

“Maybe when you come crawling back, I will.” Grayson grinned.

“Come crawling back? And why would I do that?”

“Didn’t you leave something behind?” Riko spoke now.

Neil’s eyes landed on Jean, who was staring straight ahead as if the conversation wasn’t happening.

Anger flared again. “No. I don’t think I did.” his tone was sharp.

Jean’s eyes snapped up to meet his, and Neil saw the pain in them. He wanted to feel bad, but he was too angry.

Dan spoke up then, taking Riko’s attention. Neil couldn’t look away from Jean, but he was already looking away. Was it self-preservation? Guilt? Why wouldn’t he even look at him?

Neil shot to his feet, but Andrew caught his wrist. A sharp squeeze.

“I’m getting a drink.” He yanked from Andrew's grip and pointed to the punch bowl that was well within sight.

He was glad when Andrew didn’t follow, choosing to stay with Kevin.

He leaned on the table where the cups were stacked and took in a deep breath. He didn’t want to feel this anger toward Jean. He wanted to hug him. He wanted to steal him away and never let go. He stayed at the table watching other team members talk before the rest of his team and the Ravens scattered. Andrew’s eyes flicked to him and then, satisfied he hadn’t left, turned back to Kevin.

Neil knew he’d hear about it later, but he needed to talk to Jean. Alone. He saw him standing by Zane and Colleen. He slipped behind and grabbed his arm, pulling him from the group.

Jean twisted and froze, but Neil kept tugging until they were alone in the hall. He wasn’t surprised Jean didn’t fight back. He never did.

“What are you doing?” Jean hissed, looking around as if they might get caught. His eyes refused to meet Neil’s, and god, he hated it.

“Look at me, Jean.” His tone was sharp, demanding. A tone he never used on Jean.

He tensed, but his eyes finally dropped to Neil’s.

Anger and sadness warred within him. He wanted to reach out, yank Jean into a sharp kiss, but he also wanted to shout at him. Demand answers.

Jean slid his eyes away again. “I should go.”

Neil’s hand shot out, bracing against the wall next to Jean, keeping him from walking away. “Did Riko threaten you?”

Jean frowned.

“Is that why you won’t even look at me?”

“Nathaniel, please. Don’t.”

Hearing his name on Jean’s lips should have brought him to his knees. Should have doused the inferno raging in his chest. But it was only gasoline to the fire.

“Don’t? Don’t what? Don’t reach for you at night? Don’t dream about you? Don’t think about you? Be specific, Jean.”

Jean winced. Neil hated how angry he was with him. He never wanted to feel this way toward his partner.

“Don’t do this. You were supposed to let me go—“

“Let you go? I’m sorry that it’s not as easy for me.” He’d heard it from Kevin and Andrew. But hearing Jean say it made something in his chest crack.

That seemed to stir something in Jean because his eyes snapped to Neil’s. “Easy. You think calling Kevin was easy? You think sneaking you out was easy? You think handing you over to them was easy? None of it was easy. It was necessary. You almost died. I left you alone in that room, and you almost didn’t come out.”

Jean reached out and drug two fingers along his jaw. Neil clenched the hand still at his side. The fingers of his other bit into the cement of the wall.

“I had to let you go to save your life.”

“You could have come with me.” He intended for his tone to remain angry, but the desperation bled through.

Jean shook his head, his hand cupped the side of Neil’s face, tracing his numbered tattoo with his thumb. It felt too much like a blade about to burrow into his skin.

“My place is at Evermore. You know that.”

“Your place is with me.” Again, too pleading.

Jean leaned forward, his forehead pressing to Neil’s. He tried not to tense as Jean ran a gentle hand down his arm. The other was still caressing his cheek.

The click of a door behind him had Jean yanking back. “Andrew,” he said, his eyes going wide. He tried to step away, but Neil caught his waist.

“Jean,” Neil pleaded.

Jean froze, but his eyes never left Andrew.

“What part of don’t leave my sight did you not get?” Andrew’s voice was tight. Neil would have thought for a minute it was worry if he didn’t know better.

Neil ignored him and slipped into French. “Jean, don’t throw me away.”

He didn’t respond. His eyes stayed on Andrew. Jean had never been afraid of Andrew before. Why now? He watched him the same way he watched Riko.

“I can’t leave you with them,” he tried again when Jean still refused to look at him.

“Neil.” Kevin grabbed the arm that held Jean’s waist. He let Kevin remove his hand. As soon as it was off of him, Jean was gone, disappearing back into the banquet without so much as a glance back.

That sharp anger burrowed into Neil’s chest again. It didn’t make sense. Jean wouldn’t even talk to him. Could barely look at him.

Neil turned to face Andrew, who had his arms crossed, looking unimpressed.

“He’s scared of you.”

Andrew quirked a brow. “Good.”

“No. He would have no reason to be.” Did Jean know about Andrew’s protection? Is that why he wouldn’t talk to him? But how would he have known?

Neil slid into German, not wanting Kevin to hear. “Which one did you promise?”

Andrew blinked. “What?”

“Which one did you promise when you agreed to protect me? Kevin or Jean?”

He was met with silence.

“You said you promised because you needed Kevin’s head clear. But Jean is still at Evermore. And Kevin worries for him. I know he does. You never promised Kevin, did you?”

More silence.

“So what did you really get from the deal?”

“I don’t lie.”

“Then tell me the truth. Did you promise Kevin or Jean?”

Andrew’s lips quirked into a grin before he wiped it off with his thumb. “Both.”

Neil took in a breath. “What did you get from Jean?”

Andrew turned to walk away. Neil wanted to slam him against the wall and demand answers. Instead, he slipped in front of him the same way he had at Eden’s.

“I’m taking my turn now. What did you get from Jean?”

Andrew cocked his head, another grin forming on his lips. “You sure you want the answer to this? You might not like it.”

“Tell me.”

“Either he came with you, or he had to let you go. No contact.”

Neil took a stumbled step back. Jean had chosen to let him go. He would rather never see him, never talk to him, than leave the nest. It explained why Jean refused to talk to him or look at him.

“Why? Why those options?” Why did Andrew care if he and Jean were in contact?

“I told you, I needed Kevin focused, and he couldn’t focus if he kept reaching for the bottle every time his phone rang. If Jean was boo hooing to you about Riko, Kevin wouldn’t be focused.”

Neil snapped his head to Kevin. “You let him make that deal?” he spoke in English now.

Kevin tensed and looked at Andrew. “You told him.” His tone was accusing.

Andrew shrugged.

“Why?” Neil demanded. The anger in him burned too hot.

“I told you, I want you to start living for you. He wouldn’t come. But he loves you so…”

Neil scoffed, taking another step back. He drug his fingers down his arm where Jean’s touch had been, he clawed at it as if he could erase the memory.

“Love makes people do stupid things,” Kevin continued.

“Stop.”

“Neil.”

“Love is a false sense of security. Jean only thinks he— He’s an idiot.” Neil refused to accept it. Jean was good. Neil wasn’t. He didn’t deserve Jean’s sacrifice.

“You don’t have to feel guilty for not feeling the same way.”

Neil glared at Kevin. His fingers dug harder into his arm.

A tight grip on his wrist made him let go. Andrew was looking up at him. His grip tightened. It was only then that he noticed he was trembling.

Andrew’s other hand landed on the back of his neck. He let out a breath. The weight was like gravity pulling him down, steadying him. Keeping him from floating away.

They stood like that for several minutes, Andrew’s eyes locked on his as he found his footing again.

Only when he stopped trembling did Andrew let him go.

“Neil,” Kevin took a step forward, but Andrew cut him a sharp look, making him stop.

“Do not leave my sight again.” Andrew pointed a finger at Neil.

He wasn’t going to respond, but Andrew’s gaze told him he was waiting on one.

“Okay.”

Neil and Kevin followed Andrew back inside. He spent the rest of the night tucked on the edges of the party, avoiding any of the ravens.

*

Jean waited until he saw the foxes leaving. He’d spent the rest of the party desperately watching Andrew. He never left Nathaniel’s side. That was promising. Did that mean their deal was still intact? He had to know. So when they started to file out, he slipped behind and whispered, “Minyard.”

Andrew paused, glancing over his shoulder.

Kevin and Nathaniel didn’t seem to notice as they filed into the hall with their team.

Andrew gave him a hard look, but he turned and crossed his arms over his chest.

“He cornered me. I—“

Andrew held up a hand. “Stay your hand and nothing changes.”

Jean’s shoulders slumped in relief. “You’ll still protect him even though I spoke with him?”

“He cornered you, right?”

Jean nodded. He wouldn’t admit that he’d been thrilled to be cornered by Nathaniel. Even if his words had shredded his heart to ribbons.

“Then nothing’s changed.” With that, Andrew turned and followed his team.

Jean caught up with the rest of the ravens before they could notice his absence.

 

 

Chapter 8: Why

October—

 

Neil hadn’t tried to contact Jean again. He wouldn’t answer. But he had decided that he would get answers. He just had to wait until the Ravens game.

He and Kevin had spent every night practicing together. It was familiar. It reminded him of before they had been officially signed with the team. They’d spent years practicing together, preparing to be worthy of their numbers.

It was the night before the game, and Kevin hadn’t come to his room to get him for practice. After thirty minutes, he decided to find out why. He knocked on their dorm room door.

Andrew answered, looking annoyed. “No practice tonight. Kevin’s drowning at the bottom of a vodka bottle.”

Neil shoved into the room and found Kevin sitting on the couch with a vodka bottle in his lap.

“Seriously, Kev?”

Kevin looked up, and his shoulders dropped.

“You talk about me wanting to live my life for me. What about you? Is this you living?”

Kevin’s eyes narrowed. “This is me coping.”

“No. This isn’t coping. This is hiding.”

“How’s that any different than running?”

This was a prime example of why Neil didn’t like when Kevin drank.

“I stopped running.”

“You were caught.”

Neil’s jaw clenched. Kevin had no idea. He didn’t know what it was like to want to run. His tone dropped, and he loomed over Kevin, who swallowed and leaned back. He recognized the fear in Kevin’s eyes. It was the look he got when he went ‘butcher’s son’ as Kevin called it. “I had two hours to disappear after I got you out. I could have gone anywhere. Become a ghost. But I didn’t. You don’t know what the nest was like for me. The need to run. To disappear. But I stayed.”

“Because of your precious Jean,” Kevin said, his tone quiet, like he was afraid Neil would hear him.

“Yes, because of Jean. Because of the three of us, someone had to give Riko hell, and it sure as hell wasn’t gonna be you.”

Kevin was on his feet, the vodka discarded on the table. “Don’t you dare accuse me of leaving you. You told me to go. You drove me.” His hands were shaking at his side, and Neil wasn’t sure if it was from fear or too much alcohol.

“Because he broke your hand. You were worthless to him. Instead of being the best, you threw the shot, and he saw it. You didn’t have the spine.”

Kevin laughed. “Yeah, and what did having a spine get you?”

“Dignity at least.”

Kevin deflated, slumping back on the couch. “Fighting back wasn’t worth it.”

“And throwing the point was?” he gestured to Kevin’s scarred hand. He would never understand why. Sure, Riko would have been pissed, but he would have gained The Masters respect. Riko couldn’t have done anything without serious repercussions.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It clearly does. You’re drunk.”

Kevin buried his head in his hands. “I don’t know how to be on a court with him,” he mumbled.

“By knowing that he can’t do anything to you. I know it’s Andrew’s job to protect you, but you know I’d never let him touch you.”

“If you defended me, he’d hurt Jean.”

Neil’s jaw clenched. Maybe that was true, but he couldn’t do anything about that. “I can’t protect you both. Jean chose to stay. Riko will…” he didn’t want to think of what Jean was enduring anyway. “I won’t let him hurt you.”

Kevin’s eyes met his in a disbelieving look. “You mean it.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “When have I ever not looked out for you?”

Kevin only nodded.

“On the court, I’m gonna be by your side, not Riko. If he gets too close, you find me or Andrew.” He hadn’t looked at the goalie once. He hoped he didn’t take any offense at the offer.

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Good, now go sleep it off.” Neil took the vodka bottle, half expecting Kevin to grab for it. Instead, he got up and wandered down the hall.

Andrew’s eyes were on him as he took the bottle to the kitchen. He had half a mind to pour out the rest, but Kevin would just get more, and he’d rather avoid the fight. He set it on the counter instead.

“What?” Neil asked when he met Andrew’s eyes.

“You’re not afraid of Riko.”

Neil had to laugh at that. “Just now realizing?”

“No. Just curious.”

“No I’m not.”

“Why?”

Neil sat in one of the beanbag chairs. “Because he’s a temperamental brat with daddy issues. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

“Sounds like you.”

Neil grinned. “I can be scarier than Riko.”

Andrew was looking at him in that way again. Like he was seeing through him. He wondered what it was he saw. Did he see Nathan’s anger? Mary’s fear?

“I want to make another deal, but I don’t have anything to offer you.”

Andrew’s brow quirked in interest.

“I want some time with Jean at the game. He won’t talk to me if you won’t allow it.”

He seemed to consider it for a moment before asking. “Why?”

Neil averted his eyes. Because he missed him? Because he needed closure? Because he wanted to understand? Because he loved him? He didn’t even know the answer.

“He let you go. Why can’t you do the same?”

“Because I made him a promise. And every day I feel…” Neil bit the inside of his cheek.

Andrew’s eyes darted away, and that was interesting. It almost looked like he understood.

“I just need to know why I wasn’t good enough.” And oh. That was a startling thing to say. But that’s what it was. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t enough for Jean. Between him and Jean’s loyalty to the Moriyama’s he chose them. And fuck, it hurt.

“Because he’s an idiot,” Andrew answered.

“What would you take?” Neil pressed. He needed this.

Andrew tilted his head. “I’ll take a truth.”

Neil frowned. “That’s all?”

“It’ll be one you don’t want to give.”

Neil didn’t care. He trusted Andrew. He’d tell him anything he wanted. That was also a startling revelation. “Okay.”

“Do you love him?”

Of all the things he expected Andrew to ask, that was not one of them. Why did he want to know? Why did he care? He had tried not to think about what he and Jean had. What it meant.

Andrew waited patiently for him to respond, but he didn’t know how.

“I… don’t think I’m capable of love. I’ve never wanted anyone before. Jean and I are— were partners. We were each other’s comfort.”

Andrew snorted, making Neil frown. “What?”

“From what I’ve seen, he doesn’t bring you comfort.”

Neil sighed, scrubbing a hand down his face. “We looked out for each other. Picked each other up and stitched each other's wounds. He became important to me. A friend. Someone who made every day a little more worth it. I needed him to live because I didn’t want to be alone. He needed a reason to live.”

“And he fell in love, and you didn’t.”

Neil didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure if what Jean felt for him was truly love. They’d never talked about it after all.

After a moment of silence, Andrew nodded. “I’ll make sure you get time with Jean.”

Neil’s relief was audible. He just hoped Jean would actually talk to him. He worried that even with Andrew’s permission, he wouldn’t.

—

Jean did his best to ignore Nathaniel and Kevin, praying they wouldn’t say anything to him to warrant Andrew’s wrath. He seemed to be in a mood tonight. He was thankful when neither tried talking to him. But it also hurt. He had been comforted by missed calls and texts from Nathaniel. Even if they tore him open. It was nice to know he still cared. But since the banquet, he hadn’t heard a peep. And now he might as well have been someone else, the way Nathaniel and Kevin looked at him.

The game was over. 13-6 Raven win. Riko would be pleased. So maybe Jean would have an easier night. As they were heading to the locker rooms, he was yanked to the side.

Andrew had his arm and was dragging him down a hall. “What are you doing?” he snarled. If Riko saw him, he was dead.

“Riko is on press duty, you have five minutes,” Andrew shoved Jean toward a waiting Nathaniel. Jean froze, turning a confused look on the goalie.

“Thank you,” Nathaniel gave Andrew a nod before the blonde disappeared down the hall. He was allowing this. Nathaniel had asked for this.

“Jean.” And oh, how he’d missed hearing his name fall from those lips. He couldn’t take it. He reached forward, catching Nathaniel’s face in his hands.

Nathaniel froze under his touch before relaxing.

“I know I do not deserve this. But can I kiss you?”

Nathaniel only nodded, and he was closing the gap. It was a bruising kiss, but he didn’t seem to mind because he was pushing against Jean until his back hit the other side of the hall.

“I’ve missed you,” Jean breathed into the space between them when they broke apart.

Nathaniel’s eyes were closed, and he pressed their foreheads together. “I need to know why,” he said.

Jean didn’t understand.

Nathaniel pulled back, but he kept his hands on Jean’s waist. Jean’s hands fell from Nathaniel’s face.

“Why did you choose them over me?”

The words didn’t make sense to Jean. But the tone did. Nathaniel was hurt.

“You kiss me like that, and say you missed me, but you chose to never speak to me again. Why?”

Jean’s muscles turned to ice. Andrew had told him about the deal. They hadn’t explicitly said it wasn’t allowed, but he’d hoped. “I’m sorry,” is all he said. Because what could he say?

That seemed to be the wrong answer because Nathaniel was pulling back, and he already missed his touch.

“That’s not an answer, Jean. You could have come with me. You chose your loyalty to them over me.”

Anger crashed over him. Is that what he thought? “I did no such thing. I protected you. Andrew told me to let you go and he would keep you safe.”

“He said you could have come with me.”

“That was never allowed. I am property.”

“So was I.”

Jean shook his head. “It is not the same. Your father has respect in the family. Mine owed a debt.”

“Why is it your job to pay it?”

“I am a Moreau—“

“Don’t. Don’t quote that bullshit to me.” Nathaniel’s eyes flared, and Jean found himself reaching out to drag two fingers along his jaw, but his wrist was caught.

“I want to be with you. More than anything. But it is not an option for me. I am sorry you don’t understand.”

Nathaniel released his wrist and took a step back. “You’re right. I don’t understand.” His expression was stone. It was an expression he wore when he refused to let Riko affect him. Jean didn’t ever want that look directed at him.

“Nathaniel,” he stepped forward, but Nathaniel stepped back, keeping the distance between them. “Please, I can’t stand the thought of you hating me.”

Nathaniel’s eyes closed. “I could never hate you, Jean. But that does not mean I can forgive you. You made me break my promise to you.”

Jean’s eyes stung with unshed tears. He hadn’t even considered that. “You didn’t break it. I released you from it.”

Nathaniel’s eyes snapped open. “You are not a burden to be released from, Jean. You are my partner.”

The words were a balm on his wounded heart. They would not heal it, but they would keep him going when the pain was too much.

A whistle from down the hall yanked their attention. Andrew. Their time was up.

Jean closed the distance between them, and this time Nathaniel let him. He cupped the sides of his face and pressed his lips to his forehead. He held for a long moment, savoring the touch. He couldn’t say goodbye. That would be too hard. So instead, he walked away without another word.

*

Neil stood numb in the middle of the hall as he watched Jean walk away.

“Did you get the answer you were looking for?” Andrew asked, coming to stand in front of him.

He had. Jean’s brainwashing was worse than he’d even realized. He wanted to be angry at him, but he couldn’t be. It wasn’t his fault. Instead, he would be angry at Riko.

He didn’t answer Andrew. He simply turned and headed to the locker room.

 

Chapter 9: Plane

December—

 

Kevin was a wreck. Neil and Andrew had made some sort of arrangement before being hauled off to Easthaven, though he didn’t know the details of it. He knew that Neil had sworn to look out for him. Which didn’t give him much faith. He could only protect Kevin if he could protect himself. And Riko knew how to hurt them both.
The Christmas banquet was the perfect opportunity to do so. And Riko didn’t miss his chance.

Neil had forced Kevin to find Matt and Dan while he faced Riko alone. He wished Andrew were there. He would never have allowed Neil to be alone with Riko.

“Kevin.” His name was hissed from behind him. He turned to see Jean.

“Don’t even think about it.” Matt glared at Jean, but Kevin put a hand on his arm. Jean was safe. Though he’d spent the entire night by Riko’s side, so that Neil couldn’t talk to him. Without Andrew around, it would have been the perfect time.

Jean glanced to where Riko and Neil were in hushed conversation. The French was like a hug wrapping around Kevin, despite the sharpness of Jean’s tone. “Where’s Andrew?”

Kevin winced. “Not here.”

“So Riko wasn’t lying. He got Andrew in trouble.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Riko pulled a couple of strings and said he got Andrew in contact with some old family.”

Kevin swore, running a hand through his hair. “Andrew’s in rehab. They took him off his meds because of that reunion.” He spat the last word. Of course Riko was responsible for Drake. His stomach rolled at the reminder.

“For how long?” Jean’s eyes were wide.

“A few more weeks at least.” Kevin shrugged.

Jean looked horrified. He glanced back at Riko and Neil before stepping in and grabbing his arm. Matt watched but didn’t react when Kevin didn’t pull away.

“Listen to me. Do not let Nathaniel get on that plane. If you care for me or him, you will make him stay.”

“What plane?”

“Do not abandon him again. Swear to me.”

“What plane, Jean?”

Jean’s eyes snagged on movement behind Kevin, and before he could say anything else, Jean slipped away.

Kevin whirled to see a haunted-looking Neil walking toward him. He half expected to see a knife protruding from his gut. But he was unharmed.

“Neil?” Matt asked.

He didn’t respond. He looked hollowed out. Kevin wondered if Riko had told him he was responsible for Drake.

“Neil?” Kevin reached out, and Neil stumbled into him.

“Andrew…” Neil breathed the name, and Kevin knew. He held Neil and watched the Ravens leave. Jean shot him a pleading look.

“Riko—“

“I know.” Kevin pressed his lips to Neil’s hair. He kept his touch firm, but he still trembled in his arms. Something had happened between Andrew and Neil. They were friends in a weird sense. Closer than he and Andrew, despite having spent longer together. He didn’t think anyone could handle or talk to Andrew the way Neil did. Not even Renee. “Jean just told me.”

Neil yanked back at the name. “Where is he?”

“He left with the rest,” Kevin answered, glancing at the door the Ravens had left through.

Neil slid his fingers into his hair and tugged before he started pacing.

“Whoa, what’s wrong?” Matt asked.

“Let’s go get Wymack, I can’t be here anymore,” Neil said.

Kevin sighed. Neil would talk when he was ready.

He didn’t talk the entire ride home, and by the time they reached Fox Tower, Neil looked like he was gonna hurl. He had no clue what could make Neil look like that.

Kevin followed Neil up the stairs to their dorms and caught his arm before he could disappear into his. “Talk to me, Nath.” He pulled out the nickname, hoping to snap some life back into Neil’s eyes. It seemed to work because he met Kevin’s with a haunted blue gaze.

“I don’t know what to do, Kev.”

“What do you mean?”

“Riko wants me to go back.”

Kevin recoiled at that. “No way.”

“If I don’t, then he has someone inside of Easthaven who can get to Andrew. And he has Jean.”

“No. You can’t go back. Jean got you out.”

“I can’t let them get hurt because of me.”

“You think going back will stop that? Riko will still hurt them both. You can’t go.” This was bad. This was worse than bad.

Neil clenched his fists, and Kevin saw that familiar fire in his eyes. A fire that he had watched Neil fight with repeatedly at the nest. “I’m the reason Jean is alone. I’m the reason Andrew is alone. I have to fix this.”

It hit him. “That’s what Jean meant by plane.”

“What?”

“Jean begged me not to let you get on the plane. I didn’t know what he was talking about.”

Neil’s eyes went glassy. It was something he did when he refused to let emotions in. When the pain got too much. When Riko used knives.

“Jean wants you safe. And I know Andrew does too.” Kevin didn’t know what Riko would do to Jean or Andrew if Neil didn’t go back. But he knew what he’d do to Neil if he did.

Neil’s eyes snapped up at Andrew’s name. “You need him, Kevin. You need Andrew. I promised I’d look out for you. We were all gonna go to New York for Christmas. You’ll be safe with the team. With Matt’s family.”

“Neil, no.” He was right, though. He needed Andrew. And Andrew would get Neil back. He’d made a promise to protect him.

“I’ll go, just long enough for Andrew to be released, and then I’ll get Jean and me out.”

“Are you crazy?” Kevin scoffed. “Riko will destroy you. And Jean will never leave.” There was no chance of Neil getting out again.

“He will.”

“Nath, please don’t do this. I can’t lose you—“

“Swear to me that you won’t say anything.”

Kevin grit his teeth. He wished Andrew were here. Andrew could always talk sense into Neil. But he wasn’t. And if he wanted him back, he had to let Neil get on that plane.

*

Jean stared at the people pouring from the gate that Nathaniel should be at. He scanned each one, glad for each person that got off who wasn’t his partner. Perhaps Kevin succeeded in keeping him off the plane. His hope was quickly dashed when auburn hair came into view.

“No.” The words slipped from between his lips.

Nathaniel’s eyes met his, and there was no warmth to them. They were distant and clouded. A common look after a bad nightmare had woken him. The look made sense. He was walking directly into a nightmare, after all.

Nathaniel reached Jean, and he couldn’t help himself. He grabbed his shoulders and squeezed. “Why did you come?”

“I had to.”

“No. No. You were safe.”

“But you aren’t. And neither is Andrew.”

Jean flinched. Riko had bragged about what he brought down on Andrew. He blamed himself. He had asked Andrew to protect Nathaniel, and it cost him. More than he was sure Andrew was willing to give.

“He will break you.” Didn’t Nathaniel understand that?

“He can try all he wants. It won’t work.”

“The Master is equally angry.” Why didn’t he get it?

“What is it you always say? I will endure?” The smirk on Nathaniel’s mouth made Jean yank away.

“This is not a joke. Do you know what it cost me to get you out? And now you throw yourself to the wolves without remorse?”

All humor vanished from Nathaniel’s expression. “You threw me away. I didn’t ask for that.”

Jean trailed two fingers along Nathaniel’s jaw. He flinched but didn’t pull away. “I did not throw you away. I could never.”

“You could have come with me. But you chose to let me go.” So he was still mad, well, Jean was too.

“And now you’ve come back.” his tone was tight. Bitter. He couldn’t help it.

“Riko threatened you and Andrew. I couldn’t let him—“ Nathaniel cut his eyes away.

Jean knew that what Riko had planned for Nathaniel was bad. He was angry with him for leaving. For being antagonistic. For changing his position on the court. He would pay dearly. Jean knew he shouldn’t, but he slid a hand along the back of Nathaniel’s neck. He stepped in close, almost pressed against the shorter man. He lifted Nathaniel’s chin and kissed him softly.

Nathaniel tensed under him before pulling back. He averted his eyes and shook his head.
“Don’t.”

Jean ignored the way his heart broke and took a step back. He should have expected that. Nathaniel was angry with him. He couldn’t expect things to go back to normal, especially after their conversation after the game.

The ride to the nest was silent, and despite Nathaniel being next to him, he never felt further away. His eyes were glassy, and he stared off into the distance.

Jean felt sick. He was delivering Nathaniel into the lion’s den. He wondered if Nathaniel would grow to hate him. Would he blame him for what happened to Andrew? Perhaps he already did. He had pulled away from Jean at the airport.

Nathaniel tensed when they pulled up to Evermore. Before they could get out, his hand snapped out, tugging on Jean’s sleeve. “Make me a promise.”

“You don’t trust promises,” Jean frowned.

“Can I trust yours?”

“What is it you would ask of me?” Jean wanted so badly to promise Nathaniel anything he wanted. Even if he was sure Nathaniel wouldn’t live long enough for him to keep it.

“If ever you get out, don’t come back.”

Jean swallowed. It was a futile wish. Riko would never let either of them leave again. He saw the pleading look in the sea blue of Nathaniel’s eyes, though, like waves crashing against the shores of Marseille. “I promise.” The words were whispered before he could stop them. Curse Nathaniel and his hold on Jean.

 

 

Chapter 10: Plan

January—

 

Andrew didn’t care that Neil hadn’t shown up with his family to pick him up from Easthaven. He didn’t care that Nicky flinched away from him. He didn’t care that Aaron hadn’t said a word to him. What he did care about was the way Kevin wouldn’t even look at him. Guilt was written all over his expression. He could ask, but that implied he cared. He didn’t want to care. So he pushed it down and enjoyed the silence.

They reached Abby’s house, and Andrew couldn’t push down the feeling that something was wrong. He glanced in the rearview at Nicky and Aaron in the back. Aaron looked disinterested, and Nicky looked tired. He cast a glance at Kevin next, who he noted was rubbing small circles on the back of his left hand with his right thumb. A nervous tick he’d developed.

“You two go. You stay,” he pointed at Nicky as they started for the front door. He listened as Nicky caught him up on what happened while he was gone. Not much by the sounds of it.

“Oh, and we all went to Matt’s for Christmas. New York was so cool. I think you would have liked it. Nei,l too.”

Andrew held up a hand, making Nicky pause. “What do you mean, Neil too?”

“I think Neil would have liked New York. Oh. Right. I forgot. He got a call from his uncle. He went to spend Christmas in oh, I don’t know if he actually said where...” Nicky’s nonchalant tone was wearing on Andrew’s patience. Neil had promised to make sure Kevin was safe. He wouldn’t have left.

Or maybe he’d expected too much from Neil. Just because he claimed promises meant something to him didn’t mean he would keep the ones he made to Andrew.

But something about Kevin’s avoidance. The nervous habit. He knew something.

“Send Kevin out.”

Nicky cut off in the middle of whatever he’d been rambling. “Oh. Sure.”

Andrew itched for a cigarette. But he didn’t have any. He’d have to remedy that soon.

Kevin stepped out of the house like there was a gun to his back.

“Where is he?” Andrew fought to keep his tone neutral. He was not worried. Worried meant caring, and he did not care.

“Andrew—“

“Where?” his tone was a little sharper this time. He hoped it came across as nothing more than impatience.

Kevin shifted his weight. “Evermore.”

Andrew didn’t allow himself to feel things. It was too dangerous. It made him vulnerable. And yet, he couldn’t ignore the sinking in his chest. He’d failed. He had promised to protect Neil, and in his absence, Neil was swept back into that hellhole.

“How?” he knew his anger was showing. But he couldn’t care about that. All he could think about was Neil. Was he okay? Was he alive?

“Riko made him. Said he’d hurt Jean and you.”

Andrew’s head snapped up. His hands clenched. Neil was a fucking idiot.

“He has a plan, though. I was supposed to let him know the moment you stepped back into Palmetto. I’m waiting to hear from him.” Kevin held up his phone to show a text message to Jean that simply said the word ‘safe’.

Andrew swallowed the bile in his throat. Neil was supposed to only be interesting because of his medication. How was it that he still intrigued Andrew despite not even being there?

“A plan?”

“Yeah, he needed to make sure you were safe before he went through with it. I don’t know what the plan is, but—“

Andrew snatched Kevin’s phone. He was going to murder Neil. He dialed Jean’s number and waited. No answer. He looked at the text thread to see when the last time he’d heard from him.

Mid-December. Jean sent a text saying. ‘You weren’t supposed to let him get on the plane.’

Kevin had responded. ‘You know how he is.’

That was the last time anything was said.

“Do you even know if they’re alive?” Andrew snapped, shoving the phone back into Kevin’s hands.

Green eyes went wide. “Riko can’t kill them—“

“Maybe not Jean. But he could kill Neil. Does anyone know that he’s there?”

Kevin shook his head. “Just me.”

“Just you. The one person Riko knows won’t say anything?”

Kevin shifted his weight, his eyes glancing down at his phone with a new fear.

Andrew shouldn’t care if Neil was dead. He made his choice. Now he had to live with it. Or maybe not live. The bile rose in his throat again. He pushed it down.

He needed a cigarette, or he was going to kill someone. He climbed back into his car, ignoring Kevin’s questions about where he was going. He was okay. He wasn’t worried. Or mad. He didn’t care.

*

Jean’s fingers ghosted over Nathaniel’s skin as he cleaned the most recent wounds. Nathaniel was barely conscious when he grabbed Jean’s wrist.

“You’re okay. I’ve got you. I’m right here.” He spoke soothingly. This wasn’t his worst beating. But he hadn’t recovered from the previous ones, so Nathaniel was a bruised, bloody mess. It hurt to see him like this. But he was the definition of endure. He didn’t let Riko break him. He took every hit and every slice of the knife, not giving Riko the satisfaction. Riko was determined to break him. Nathaniel wouldn’t let him. He’d sooner die. And that scared Jean more than anything. He almost wished Nathaniel would just break. He hated himself for it, but at least he’d be alive.

Nathaniel finally slept. Jean knew Riko would be back for another round soon. He only hoped Nathaniel’s body would last. His beatings were getting closer and closer together. Not letting him recover. Jean held his breath every time he went unconscious. Praying he would wake up again. He had missed Nathaniel. Had missed putting him back together. But he never wanted this.

Jean’s phone buzzed in his hand. He looked down to see Kevin’s number. He didn’t bother to open it. He was so angry at Kevin for allowing Nathaniel to get on that plane.

“What’s wrong?” Nathaniel mumbled, sitting up. He winced but steadied himself.

Jean set his phone down and went to his side. “Does anything pull? Do you feel your stitches straining?” It was the same question he asked every time.

Nathaniel shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Jean sighed. He hated that phrase.

“Who text?”

“Kevin.”

Nathaniel stood so fast he nearly toppled over as he grabbed for the phone.

“Careful.” Jean leapt after him to help steady him.

“Safe,” Nathaniel huffed. He clutched the phone to his chest like it was a gift.

“Safe? What does that mean?” Jean asked.

Footsteps had Nathaniel shoving the phone into his pocket just in time for the door to swing open.

“Oh, good, you’re up,” Riko smiled. He pulled a knife out, and Nathaniel’s eyes tracked the metal with that glassy look he got. He hated seeing that look on him. He couldn’t watch Nathaniel get sliced open again. Not when he’d just barely finished putting him back together.

“Riko,” he snapped the name, and instant regret rolled through him. But if he could take even one of the beatings. He’d been spared most of them since Nathaniel’s return, despite how much he objected to Riko’s treatment of his partner. Now, though, he supposed his sharp tone had caught Riko’s attention.

*

Nathaniel’s eyes followed the knife. His hands trembled at his sides. He hated how he still reacted so strongly, but if he could just separate his mind for a little bit, he could endure.

However, when Riko turned the knife on Jean and smiled, a new fear shot through him. Riko didn’t use knives on Jean. He used water. Riko had learned their least favorite punishments and rarely strayed. But Riko was stepping toward Jean with his knife, and Nathaniel couldn’t watch this. He couldn’t bear it.

“No.” He intended for the word to come out as a command, but it fell from his lips like a plea instead. That had been a mistake.

—

Nathaniel’s whole body trembled against his restraints. Riko had tied him to a chair and made him watch as he cut into Jean, who was restrained on the bed. It was too much like being forced to watch his father work. Riko was a surgeon compared to his father. He was methodical and quick. His knife sharp. Whereas his father liked to go slow. Toying with the blunter of his knives. It was just as awful to watch. And listening to Jean was hell.

Riko had his knife to Jean’s eye now, and that was too far.

“Please.” Nathaniel didn’t beg. Never. But this, this was too much. He hated himself for saying it immediately, but it got Riko to pause.

“Oh.” Riko smiled. “He begs, does he?”

Nathaniel winced. But the way Riko’s eyes danced and his hand stayed. This is how he could still win.

“I’ll do whatever you want, just stop.” The words were acid on his tongue, but he didn’t stop. “Don’t hurt him anymore.”

“All this time and all I needed to do to break you was slice open your little boy toy?”

Nathaniel didn’t respond.

“If I stop, will you obey me?”

“Yes.” He didn’t even hesitate.

“Yes?”

“Yes, King.” Nathaniel nearly vomited at the word. He’d refused to call Riko king. He wasn’t. He was just a scared boy desperate for daddy’s attention. Well, daddy’s attention wasn’t always best. Nathaniel knew that well.

Riko put the knife away and grabbed Nathaniel’s jaw tightly in his hand. “You will take back everything you’ve said about the Ravens and Evermore. You’ll tell everyone that your little blonde friend acted unnecessarily. That Drake was innocent.”

Nathaniel recoiled. Or he tried, but Riko’s grip was too tight.

“He was your favorite, right? The little psycho? You and Kevin both. Always glued to his side.”

Nathaniel bit back a smart retort. He couldn’t speak out. If this was going to work, he had to keep his mouth shut for once in his life. Andrew was safe. Jean wasn’t. He had to keep Jean safe.

“Well?”

Nathaniel’s eyes fell to where Jean was bleeding. His torso oozed from all the places Riko carved. “I’ll do it.”

The gleam in Riko’s eyes would haunt Nathaniel for years. He had finally broken him. He had the leverage he needed. He could puppet Nathaniel however he wanted. Or so he thought.

Nathaniel was still trembling as Riko untied Jean and then him.

“Just in case you consider changing your mind.” Riko grabbed the chair and swung. It slammed into Jean’s side.

Nathaniel couldn’t tell which cracking was wood and which was bone. Jean’s head slammed into the table, and he dropped like a bag of bricks.

“I can break him in an instant,” Riko sneered.

As soon as the door was closed, Nathaniel dropped to his knees next to Jean. He reached out to wake him, but maybe it was best he was unconscious for the next part.

*

“I’m sorry he’s where?” Wymack’s voice boomed across the room, making several people flinch.

Kevin stared down at his phone, which he hadn’t let go of. Waiting for a text or call from Jean. It had been over an hour since he’d sent the message.

A phone ringing made Kevin’s heart leap before he realized it wasn’t his.

“It’s Jean,” Renee said, holding up the phone. He hadn’t even realized she spoke to Jean.

“Speaker,” Wymack ordered.

“Jean?” Renee answered.

“Renee,” Neil’s voice responded. Kevin let out a noise and clamped a hand over his mouth.

“Neil,” Renee’s tone softened.

Andrew was across the room in an instant. He snatched the phone from Renee’s hand. She looked ready to object, but decided against it.

“Where are you?” Andrew demanded. His expression was dark.

“Andrew.” Kevin didn’t miss the relief in Neil’s tone.

“Where are you?” Andrew repeated.

“Evermore. I— I have a plan, but Jean is… I need your help.”

“My help?” Andrew scoffed. “You really should have thought of that before you—“

“Andrew,” Renee snatched the phone back. “What do you need, Neil?”

“I’m gonna text you the number of Edgar Allan’s president. He thinks he has the codes to get in. He doesn’t. I need you to send him here. Tell him you believe one of us is in critical condition.”

Kevin moved towards the phone. “Are you?” he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to that. He felt awful already.

There was a pause. “I’m fine. But Jean is… Kev, he used a knife.”

Kevin recoiled. “On Jean?” he breathed. There’s no way Neil had allowed that.

“He tied me up and made me watch. I couldn’t—“ Kevin heard the way Neil’s voice shook. He couldn’t imagine how he was feeling.

“You have to get out of there,” he said. He couldn’t stay. If Riko was going off script, then it was bad.

“I don’t think I can do it a second time. I made Riko think he broke me. If he catches us… You don’t know what I promised him I’d do. If I don’t do it, he’ll kill Jean. But I can’t choose between them.”

Kevin’s brows furrowed. “Between who?”

There was silence on the other end.

Kevin’s eyes fell on Andrew. French came through the phone next.

“I promised to speak against what happened at Thanksgiving.”

“Fuck,” Kevin swore, backing away from the phone. Why the hell would he agree to that? He knew why, though. Andrew was safe for the moment. Jean wasn’t.

“I’m coming to get you. Wymack’s voice was close.”

“You need leverage. Edgar Allan’s president. Use legal force. Threaten to out them. Tell them they made me come back.” Neil was speaking English again.

“I’m getting on a plane now,” Wymack pointed at Abby and gestured for the door. “Renee, you call the president. Tell him I’ll be there soon.”

The words drowned out around Kevin as he stumbled back. He should never have let Neil get on that plane.

*

Nathaniel was exhausted. He’d carefully stitched Jean up the best he could with shaking fingers. He couldn’t calm down. He hated it. He should be in better control. But he had agreed to be Riko’s puppet, and if he refused, Jean would pay the price. But he would never agree to speak against Aaron and side with Drake. Never. He’d sooner die. But he wouldn’t be the one to die. Riko had figured it out finally. Nathaniel would always protect Jean. How it took him this long, he didn’t know. Is this what love was? Being willing to sacrifice yourself for someone else?

Kevin’s words echoed in his head. ‘There’s different types of love.’

He wasn’t sure he even believed in love. But devotion. That he believed in. He was completely devoted to Jean. And Kevin. And now Andrew. No, it wasn’t the same as love. Love was what Dan and Matt had. What Erik and Nicky had. Soft words and softer touches.

Nathaniel didn’t do soft. Soft was false care that led to traps. Perhaps Kevin was right, though. Different types of love. Perhaps there was a love that was solid and unyielding. Perhaps there was a love where the words shared were truths and promises kept. Perhaps there was a love that didn’t shy away from scars. If it did exist, it wasn’t the kind of love Jean had for him. Jean’s love was soft touches and gentle kisses. Jean’s love was fragile. Something too easily smashed in Nathaniel’s rough hands.

Jean’s phone buzzed, yanking him from his thoughts. An unknown number that said ‘outside.’ And he dared to let himself hope. He text back the codes. Could he finally be getting Jean out of here?

“Jean,” he slid an arm around his waist, careful not to open any of the fresh stitches. He slowly led a barely conscious Jean to the door and up the stairs. There was no one in the halls, much to his relief. Riko had left them blissfully alone. He hoped it stayed that way at least a little longer. One more door and he was through. Nathaniel struggled under Jean’s weight and size. He would have struggled even without his own bruises and splitting stitches.

He pushed out into the yard only to be met with three figures. Wymack, Abby, and Andritch, Edgar Allen’s president.

“What the hell?” Andrtich swore when he saw the pair of them. “Why don’t my codes work? What happened to you two?”

“Punishment,” Nathaniel answered. His legs wobbled under Jean’s weight. His side warmed with blood, whether it was his or Jean’s, he didn’t know.

“Get them out of here. I’ll handle this.” Andritch ordered Wymack.

Nathaniel took a stumbled step before Wymack took Jean from him.

“Neil,” Abby reached for him, her eyes scanning for injury.

“I’m fine. Jean stitched me up earlier. He’s the more pressing one,” he said when they reached the car.

Abby glanced down at the obvious blood stains on his hands but didn’t object as she climbed into the backseat with Jean. She handed him a couple of pills for the pain, which he gladly took.

Nathaniel expected Wymack to demand answers, but instead they rode in silence until he fell asleep against the window.

—

When he woke, it was dark. Too dark. No. He got them out. They were supposed to be safe. He sat up, and his head spun. He tried to get out of bed, but a sharp pain lanced down his side. He stumbled forward, his feet weren’t fast enough, and his knees hit the ground with a hard thunk on the threadbare rug.

A shadow fell over him. Riko had caught them. He had dreamt their whole escape. He wouldn’t let him hurt Jean, and he would never hurt Andrew, no matter what he agreed to. He went to get up, but a hand came down on the back of his neck. That wasn’t Jean’s touch. But it wasn’t Riko’s either. The pressure made his head stop spinning. It was solid and grounding, making him stable.

“Andrew,” the name punched out of him. He wasn’t in the nest. He was safe. He hadn’t dreamt it. “Jean?”

Andrew’s hand tightened. “In the other room.” He helped Neil to his feet.

“Is everything okay? I heard a— Neil,” Abby’s tone went from worried to gentle. He turned to see her illuminated by the hall light.

“I’m fine. I just didn’t know where I was. It’s so dark I thought...” he trailed off.

Andrew released him, and he thought he would float away without his stability. Moonlight streamed into the room. Andrew had opened the curtains on the window. The light illuminated his blonde hair. It almost made him look like an angel. Andrew would punch him if he knew he’d thought that.

“You didn’t pull any stitches, did you? I re-sutured the ones that opened.”

Neil looked down at the shirt he was wearing. It was one of his. Not the assigned shirts from Evermore. Not Nathaniel’s shirt. Neil’s. “I’m fine.” He sat back on the edge of the bed and let Abby check him anyway.

“Do you need anything?”

“How’s Jean?”

“He’s resting. Kevin is with him.”

Neil didn’t want Jean to wake up alone. He was glad to know Kevin was with him. He settled back into bed, and Abby left to get him more medicine for the pain.

Andrew sat in the chair that had been pulled beside the bed.

“Have you just been sitting there?”

“Well, I clearly can’t leave you alone.”

Neil winced. He should have expected Andrew would be mad.

“Care to explain?”

“You won’t like the answer.”

“Tell me anyway.”

Neil sighed, looking up at the ceiling. He hadn’t planned for this part. He’d planned for everything else. Including Jean’s inevitable meltdown. But not this. Not explaining to Andrew why he went back.

Silence stretched for a long moment before Neil spoke. “I didn’t break my promise. I made sure Kevin was safe. He was with everyone in New York. With Matt’s family. And Riko couldn’t hurt him if he was hurting me.”

“So you made me break my promise,” Andrew snapped.

Neil jerked his head to meet Andrew’s tense gaze. “No. We agreed if it came to me or Kevin, you choose Kevin.”

“As I hear it, Riko didn’t threaten Kevin.”

Neil flinched. “No. He threatened you, though.”

“I don’t need your protection.” Andrew’s hands clenched.

“You look after everyone else. Who looks after you?”

Andrew’s eyes darkened.

“And how can you protect Kevin if you’re in trouble? It just made the most sense. He said if I didn’t get on that plane, that he still had Jean and that he had someone in Easthaven who—“
Andrew’s hand clamped over Neil’s mouth. The fury in Andrew’s face made Neil’s stomach drop.

When Andrew pulled away, Neil whispered. “You still got hurt.”

“Don’t.”

Neil turned away. He had failed to protect Andrew. He wanted to apologize, but he knew Andrew wouldn’t want to hear it. Instead, he continued to explain. “I decided if I could go long enough to… just until you were out. Then I could get Jean and me out after.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Maybe, but you’re both alive.” Neil shrugged.

“I hate you.”

Neil met Andrew’s eyes. He wasn’t sure if he believed him, but even if he did. It didn’t matter because it meant he wasn’t dead.

—

The next time Neil woke, it was to shouting from the other room.

“Move. I won’t ask again.”

“You need to calm down. He’s fine.”

“No thanks to you. You weren’t supposed to let him go.”

Jean and Kevin.

Neil pushed up in the bed and found he was less sore than last time. He carefully got to his feet and stumbled. Oh that was why. Whatever meds Abby had given him were still in his system.

Andrew was by his side in an instant, steadying him. Always steadying him. “You shouldn’t be up.”

“Jean is upset.”

Andrew grunted. Once he was sure Neil wasn’t going to fall over, he let him go.

The walk was slow, and he used the wall for support. But when he did stumble, Andrew was there to catch him.

“Jean, you can barely stand.”

“I need to see him.”

Neil stepped into the doorway of the room Jean was staying in.

“Nathaniel,” Jean’s eyes softened on him.

Neil gave a smile and wobbled forward.

“What’s wrong? You’re hurt.”

Neil waved a hand. “I’m fine. It’s mostly the drugs. I feel great, actually.”

Jean’s shoulders dropped with relief.

“How are you?” Neil brushed his thumb along the split on Jean’s cheekbone.

“A fractured rib and a concussion, mostly. I am okay, though.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t ever want you to go through that.”

Jean gave a weak smile. “I think I understand your dislike of knives.”

Neil winced.

“Nathaniel,” Jean’s tone dropped into a serious note. “We can’t be here. Riko will kill us. And you told him…” his eyes cut to Andrew, who stood with his arms crossed next to Neil.

“You think I would have truly agreed to that? I never had intentions of staying.”

Jean reeled back. “You tricked him. You made him think he broke you. I was sure he had truly done so. I had never heard you say please to him before. You’ve never begged him before.”

Andrew tensed next to him.

“I couldn’t watch anymore. When I saw how happy it made him to see me like that. I knew I could use it.”

Jean stepped forward and carded fingers through Neil’s hair. He shuddered and hoped Jean didn’t notice the way his hands clenched.

“You were always so strong.”

Neil’s muscles seized. Andrew shifted next to him. The tension in the room grew.

“You both scared the hell out of me,” Kevin said, making all eyes fall on him. “I text you that Andrew was out, and then I didn’t hear from you. I thought—“

“Wait.”

Jean yanked away from Neil. “You had this all planned out.”

“Of course I did.”

Jean’s face twisted. “You made me promise, knowing that you would make me leave.”

Neil wanted to feel guilty, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. “Would you have agreed if you’d known?”

“You tricked me.”

“No. I protected you.”

“This isn’t protection. You stole me from where I belong.”

“You did the same thing not but a handful of months ago. And you don’t belong there, Jean.”

“My name is Jean Moreau, and my place is at Evermore.”

“Your place is with me,” Neil cut in. He grabbed Jean’s face in his hands. It was not a gentle caress of love like Jean’s touches were. It was a demand of trust. A desperation that had no place.

“Riko will kill us. You wanted to protect me, but you have damned us both.” He pulled from Neil’s hands. “And you,” he spun to Andrew, who wore a murderous look on his face. “You were supposed to protect him.”

Neil stepped in front of Andrew, his balance wavered slightly. “Do not blame him for the choices I made. I chose to protect you both.”

“You think that’s what you’ve done. But Riko will come for us all. And your goalie will be someone else for him to hurt you with. He used him against you once; he will do it again.”

Neil winced. “Jean, Riko can’t hurt us. We got the president of Edgar Allan involved. He’s pissed to know his codes were no good.”

Jean pulled back like he’d been slapped. “You don’t know what you’re messing with.”

“Damn it, Jean. Can you stop tying the laces of the boot on your neck for five seconds? You deserve better.”

Silence permeated the room.

“I wish to be alone now.”

Neil sighed. He knew that wasn’t true. Jean hated being alone. “Jean,” he tried.

“Please.”

Neil winced and took an unsteady step back. Kevin took his arm and led him back down the hall to his own room.

 

 

Chapter 11: Love

Two days later—

 

Jean and Neil were at least on their feet two days later. Though Neil still struggled despite his insisting he was fine. Andrew saw it. He saw a lot of things people thought he didn’t. Like the longing looks Jean sent Neil over the dinner table at Abby’s. Or the clipped conversations between Kevin and Neil when they thought no one was looking. Right now, he was noticing the way Neil’s eyes kept glancing at the front door. Jean and he were on the couch, sitting as far from each other as they could get. Abby was out getting groceries. The others had gone back to Fox Tower, leaving Andrew with the ex-ravens.

He stared at the three men who refused to talk to each other and wondered how this had become his life. How was it that he had made promises to everyone of these people? How was it that he wanted to send Jean away so that Neil would stop looking so broken? How was it that he wanted to take Neil up onto the roof of Fox Tower and drag every truth from him? How was it that he wanted Kevin to stop reaching for the bottle of Vodka every chance he got? When had he started to want?

He knew. It was the moment Kevin made the deal with him. Andrew wanted him to keep it. It’s why he needed Kevin focused. It’s why he’d agreed to protect Neil.

“So I was looking at teams and I think—“ Kevin’s words were cut short by Jean’s glare.

“I do not care what you think,” He retorted. Andrew thought he might like Jean if given the chance.

“Fine. Neil thinks that—“

“Don’t.” Jean cut in again.

Neil’s fingers thrummed on the arm of the couch, his eyes darting to the door. A sure sign his patience was dwindling.

“Are you gonna sign with us then?” Kevin wasn’t giving up.

“Absolutely not. You and Nathaniel—“

“Neil.” It was Andrew’s turn to cut in. “He’s not Nathaniel here.”

Jean glared at him. It was a stark difference from the way he cowered before. He preferred the cowering version. Perhaps he should pull out a blade, just to remind him of what he was capable of.

“It’s fine, Andrew,” Neil said quietly.

And that Andrew hated. The way Neil put away all his sharp edges. Like he was afraid Jean would get cut. He vastly preferred the Neil that made him want to slice his hand on jagged skin. The Neil who didn’t back down from him, even with a blade in hand.

“Neil,” Jean said the name with a sneer. “You do not kneel.”

“No. I don’t. You shouldn’t either.”

Jean scoffed, turning away.

Neil’s hand clenched, and Andrew could see him starting to boil over. He didn’t do well with soft. How he withstood it at the nest so long, he didn’t know.

Andrew wasn’t an instigator typically, but he wanted Neil to break. Needed to know that he was the same person. “So if not here, then where?” he asked. He didn’t care where Jean went. Though he would prefer him elsewhere.

“I have to go back. My place is at—“

“Enough,” Neil said in a low tone.

And oh, that was new. That wasn’t a pot boiling over; it was a silent inferno that destroyed everything in its path. That was interesting.

Kevin shrank back in his seat. His eyes locked on Neil, like he knew what was coming.

Jean, however, didn’t seem to notice. “You may not like it, but it is true.”

Neil was on his feet in a second, and Kevin froze. Normally, such a reaction from Kevin would have Andrew’s knives out, but Neil wasn’t going for Kevin. He was going for Jean.

He bent over him, both hands pressed into the couch on either side of Jean’s head. “You’re going to listen to me, because I am not going to repeat myself. If you try to go back there, I will kill you myself and consider it a mercy. I will not allow Riko to place another bruise on you—“

Jean turned his head away, but Neil caught his chin, harshly forcing their eyes to meet again.

“Hey, I’m not finished. You will not throw me away and then get mad when I do the same to you. I’ve sent your stats to the Trojans, and Jeremy Knox has agreed to take you in. You promised.”

Neil’s tone was anything but gentle, and Jean looked like a deer caught in headlights, all fear and panic.

“You wouldn’t,” his voice broke around the words.

“Oh, Jean.” Neil pressed a kiss to Jean’s forehead.

Andrew’s chest gripped, like a hand squeezing the breath from him. He didn’t like that feeling.

Jean remained unmoving when Neil pulled away. His eyes were set on the far wall, his hands clenched at his sides.

“Jeremy is great. You’ll like the team,” Kevin offered, but Jean didn’t respond.

Neil’s hand clenched, and he snapped his fingers in front of Jean’s face, making their eyes meet.

“You are trying to make me hate you. It will not work.” Jean stood. The pair were less than a foot apart, both staring the other down.

Jean reached up and drug two fingers along Neil’s jaw. Andrew recalled Kevin saying he used to do it when Neil was mad. As expected, Neil tensed under the gentle touch, but his eyes fluttered closed. The fight was leaving him. There was only so much of this Andrew could take.

“Jean,” Andrew snapped the name, making every set of eyes fall on him.

He stood and marched out the front door, leaving it open. He heard Neil tell Jean to follow.

“What do you want?” Jean crossed his arms, stopping a few feet from him.

Andrew leaned against the hood of his car. He lit a cigarette and cocked his head, assessing him. “Are you stupid or do you just not care?”

Jean’s brows dipped.

“Stupid then. Neil is not the same as you. He does not want your reassurances or your soft care. You are a responsibility to him.”

Jean’s back straightened. “When I gave him to you, I did not expect you to take his heart as well. This is why he sends me away.” It wasn’t posed as a question.

Andrew crushed his cigarette, letting it fall to the ground. “You did not give him to me. He is not something to be given or taken. You smother him. He wouldn’t leave because of you. He went back because of you. Kevin says you love him…” he paused long enough for Jean to deny it. He didn’t. “Then live for him. That is what he wants.”

“He told me about you. He told me that you weren’t the monster everyone said you were.”

Andrew did his best not to tense. His eyes searched Jean, looking for any possibility that he was lying.

“He told me that you couldn’t keep such promises without caring at least a little. I don’t think he even realized he was saying it. Half the time, he was half-conscious. But I see now that he was wrong. He used to call himself a monster. He refused to smile until he could morph it into something that didn’t look like his father. Perhaps he simply sees himself as more of a monster than you. But he put me back together time and time again. He taught me to survive. How then can I live without him?”

Andrew raised an unimpressed brow, but the words seared something deep inside him. A truth he was not yet ready to face. Neil saw him. Saw past the apathetic expressions. Saw past his manic smiles. He hated it. No one was ever supposed to see him. He wanted to smother Neil until he no longer drew breath. But he knew that he would never be able to. That he would smother the whole world before he let Neil take his final breath. And that’s what this all came down to. That’s why he was out here, telling Jean these things.

“You wanted me to protect him. Now I’m protecting him from you. You will join the Trojans, and you will live. Not survive. Live.” And wasn’t that rich coming from him? Someone who had been only surviving for as long as he could remember. That was why he’d made the deal with Kevin. That was why his eyes always sought out blue ones. He wanted a reason to live.

“What is the difference?” Jean snapped.

“Find out.”

*

Neil watched Jean follow Andrew outside. He wondered if he should follow. Andrew had seemed irritated, but he trusted him not to hurt Jean. Was he going to make another deal? As soon as the door shut, Kevin snapped.

“What was that?”

Neil flinched.

“Since when do you go all butcher’s son on Jean?”

He hadn’t meant to. But they got out, and Jean was acting like Riko would step into the room at any moment. “I’ve been soft with him. Soft wasn’t working.”

“You lost patience with him. You never lose patience with him. Ever.”

Neil scrubbed a hand down his face. “I don’t know, Kev. I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to do what’s best for him. Maybe he’s right and I’m trying to make him hate me.”

“Why?”

“To make this easier. I dunno. Maybe I’m in love with him.”

Kevin gaped. “What?”

“I don’t know what love is. I keep thinking about it, and I would do anything for him. But then I think that I would do anything for you and for Andrew.”

“Andrew?”

“Yes. The idea of him hurt makes me…” he tugged at his auburn strands. “It’s like I’m being cut open with a knife. I feel insane.”

“Why Andrew?”

Neil shot him a glare.

“Okay, look. You probably do love Jean. But loving someone and being in love with someone is different.”

“What’s the difference? How do I know?” he felt stupid asking. But he needed to know. Needed to understand what he was feeling.

“Loving someone is caring for them. Wanting to keep them safe. Wanting them around. Wanting them to be happy. Being in love is… deeper. It’s knowing. Being known. It’s hearing what’s not being said. It’s trust and wanting them by your side. It’s understanding. Knowing what you need. It’s easy silences. It’s safety. It’s feeling like you belong.”

Neil thought of Jean. He knew Jean. Knew how he acted. What he was scared of. What he liked and disliked. They didn’t always understand each other. Jean didn’t understand why Neil never broke. Why he got Kevin out. Why he was upset for letting him go. He didn’t understand Jean’s loyalty to Riko. Why he refused to stand up for himself. He trusted Jean. Or he had, until he’d called Kevin. Made a deal with Andrew. Did Jean trust him after tricking him into promising to stay away? Their silences were necessary. But were they easy? He felt like he belonged with Jean, but only because he didn’t belong anywhere. He traced the outline of a key into his palm and froze.

Andrew had given him a place to belong. He saw Neil. Knew when he was uncomfortable. Knew when he was panicking. He understood Neil. Neil understood him and his reasons for doing things. For his promises. He trusted Andrew with everything. Andrew had trusted him when he left for Easthaven. Their silences weren’t just easy, they were a comfort. He had thought multiple times how he wished Andrew was with him over Christmas break. He’d felt guilty thinking that with Jean at his side.

“Neil?” Kevin was kneeling in front of him.

He hadn’t even realized he’d dropped to his knees. He fell forward, his hands gripping at the carpeted floor. His head spun. It wasn’t from the meds this time, though. They had worn off hours ago. His whole body ached, but his lungs especially.

“Talk to me, Nath.” Kevin’s voice was distant, like he was in a tunnel.

Neil shook his head. He couldn’t. No. It wasn’t possible. He didn’t know how to love. He was unlovable. He didn’t swing. He couldn’t be in love. And if he was, it should have been Jean. Jean deserved to be loved. But so did Andrew.

“Nathaniel.” That voice was not Kevin’s. A gentle touch on his shoulder had him reeling back. He scrambled to his feet.

“Jean, don’t.” Kevin’s voice was so far away.

Neil blinked until Kevin and Jean came into focus, and then Andrew was in front of him.

“Neil,” he said, placing a hand on the back of Neil’s neck, and it was like he’d been yanked back to reality. His name was garbled in his ears. The sound of his blood pounding was too loud.

He stared at Andrew’s eyes, which were molten gold under the bright lighting. Another weight trapped his wrist. His feet stumbled toward the solid weight, needing more. He leaned in, his head dropping onto Andrew’s unmoving shoulder. It was like he’d been flying blind and now he had landed. His feet firmly on the ground. The rushing thunder in his ears faded. He took in a shaky breath. And then reality came like a wave. Andrew’s hands on him. His head on Andrew’s shoulder. He wrenched himself away.

“Fuck, I’m sor— I didn’t mean—“ He stumbled back, and Andrew’s hands fell away. The grounded feeling was gone, and it was just too much. He needed to get out of there.

“Neil,” Andrew’s tone was sharp and warning. He knew what Neil was thinking. He knew because he knew him.

His feet were moving before anyone else could say anything. And he wasn’t the fastest Exy player for nothing. He was out the door, and his feet were pounding on pavement. Despite the exhaustion and pain, he ran. He had to. He couldn’t face this reality. The reality that he was going to lose Jean. That he was in love with Andrew.

His feet carried him a half a mile before he collapsed onto his hands and knees and wretched. Pain wracked his body. The beatings from Riko were still too fresh on his skin. He felt like a walking bruise. His body trembled from exertion.

Moments later, a car pulled up and Neil knew it was Andrew. He could feel the presence like he was part of him. And god, how had he not noticed before?

“Can you stand?” Andrew asked.

Neil nodded, and Andrew yanked him to his feet. He expected to get hauled back to the car, but Andrew only stood in front of him, his hand wrapped tightly around his forearm.

“Talk.”

Neil shook his head, and Andrew raised an unimpressed brow.

“Truth.”

Neil shook his head again. “I can’t. Not… not now.” He wouldn’t say please, but he didn’t have to. He knew Andrew heard the desperation in his voice.

Andrew didn’t push it. Instead, he opened the passenger side door of his car. And that, he thought, is why he loved him. Kevin and Jean would have demanded answers, begged him to talk to them. They would have dragged the truth from his bared teeth.

He climbed in. Andrew looked at him and for a moment he feared he might ask again, instead he asked, “Do you want me to take you somewhere else?”

Neil looked at Andrew. Really looked. What he saw wasn’t the monster or the psychopath. It was the man who had promised to keep him safe. The man who killed for his brother. The man who got locked up for his cousin. The man who cared so deeply that it scared people. The man who had endured so much pain and suffering and still put himself between harm and those he cared about.

“Staring,” Andrew said. And yeah, he was.

“We can go back.”

Andrew was looking at him like he did when he was seeing through him. And where it used to unnerve him, now he welcomed it. He’d never wanted to be seen before. He had too many secrets and sharp edges. But none of that mattered to Andrew.

Andrew put the car in drive and started down the road.

“I know you don’t like apologies, so I won’t give you one. But I promise it won’t happen again.” He wasn’t talking about the running. But he didn’t have to clarify.

Andrew was silent for a moment before he answered. “I would have stopped you if I wanted to.”

Neil wouldn’t think too hard about that. Instead, he asked, ”Do you want an explanation for why?”

“Do you want to give me one?”

He did. He wanted to be honest with Andrew. And that was the most terrifying thing. He never lied to Jean. But he omitted truths, which was bad enough. “Sometimes when that happens, I feel like I’m not on the ground. And your touch always grounds me. I just needed to land and you’re… safe.”

The steering wheel shifted under Andrew’s tightening grip.

“You gonna tell me what caused you to feel that way? You were fine when I left the room.”

Neil turned away, his eyes finding the tree line out his window.

“You can say no.”

“I know.”

Another moment of silence. More proof.

“I’m learning things. About being free from the nest. About how I feel. It’s too much sometimes.” He stared up at the stoplight, the red glaring into the car, like it was judging his truth.

“What did you learn?”

“That Kevin was right. I love Jean.”

He saw Andrew’s head snap toward him.

“But I’m not in love with Jean. And it’s not fair to him. He deserves to be loved.”

Andrew stared at him. The red light made his blonde hair glisten like fire that Neil would willingly burn himself on.

“So you ran?”

“No. I ran because…”

The light turned green, and Andrew was turning the car onto Abby’s road. They’d taken a large circle and come from the other direction. He wondered if Andrew had done that on purpose to give him time to calm down.

“Because,” Andrew prompted.

“Because I always said I don’t swing. But now I’m wondering if that’s true.”

Andrew parked the car and looked at him. There was a long pause, and he was sure Andrew was giving him time to explain. But he didn’t know if he could. Andrew would likely never be receptive to him. And that was fine. He had been an expert secret keeper. This secret wouldn’t hurt anyone to keep.

“You said you don’t feel the same about him,” Andrew prompted when it was clear Neil wasn’t going to say more.

He shook his head. “I don’t.” And before Andrew could see through him, he climbed out.

When he entered the house, Jean was pacing the living room. He stopped when Neil entered.

“Natha— Neil,” Jean corrected himself. “Are you alright?”

Neil nodded.

Jean’s eyes landed past him and narrowed into a glare. Andrew took his spot back on the chair, looking unimpressed as ever.

Kevin dropped his head into his hands. “I hate when you two fight.”

“We’re not fighting,” Jean and Neil answered at the same time.

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

Jean grabbed Neil’s arm and tugged him to the kitchen. “I would like to speak with you.”

Neil allowed himself to be dragged away. When he stopped, Jean’s eyes scanned him like he was looking for injury.

“Jean—“ he started, but Jean held up a hand.

“How long?”

Neil blinked, and he wasn’t sure if it was the sudden switch to French or the question that confused him.

“What?”

“You’re with him, no?”

Neil blinked again. And he wondered if he’d completely forgotten the French language. Because what even was Jean talking about?

“I did not intend to send you into his arms. I assumed Kevin would be the one to pick up the pieces, not him.” Jean spat the last word.

He swallowed. How did he know?

“You should have told me. Instead, I had to watch you pull from me. I had to watch you reach for him. This is why you are sending me to California.”

Neil didn’t feel guilt often. Most of the time, he was the one being wronged. But it settled heavily into his chest as he listened to Jean spill the truth of his feelings. Jean loved him, and he couldn’t even love him back. He’d known Jean for years. He’d known Andrew for what? Six or seven months?

“No. I’m not sending you to California because of him. I’m sending you to California because you are different than me. Kevin is here for his father. I am here because I am like them. You are not. You, Jean yves Moreau, are good. You deserve good. Kevin says Jeremy is good.”

Jean cupped his cheeks, and he tried not to tense under the gentle touch. Tried to hide his jagged edges from Jean, like he always did.

“You are good,” Jean insisted.

Neil grabbed Jean’s wrists and shook his head. “If I were good, I would have told you that I only allow myself to be good for you. But it feels like a blade under my skin.”

Jean froze before yanking from his grip. “I am a blade under your skin? How— why would—“ He turned away from him.

“No, Jean. That is not what I meant.” He was now cupping Jean’s face. “You are a balm. But I am not soft. I tried to be that for you. The soft kisses and gentle touches. That is not me.”

Jean frowned.

“I don’t know how to be that. I tried. I thought if anyone could make me soft, it was you. And I can only tolerate your soft touch. Anyone else, and I only want to get away. But I desire to tug and press and grip. You don’t deserve that.”

As if to prove him wrong, Jean surged forward and kissed him in such a desperate, bruising way. It was hard and eager, and Jean’s hands still carded through his hair too softly.

Movement from the living room had them breaking apart.

Andrew was on his feet.

“It’s fine, Andrew,” Neil said in German.

He stood in the archway of the kitchen, hands clenched at his sides.

“I’m sorry,” Jean apologized, taking a step back from him. His hands dragging from his hair and down his neck.

Neil caught them before they could pull completely away.

“You do not have to apologize.”

“You are his.” Jean’s voice broke around the words.

Neil shook his head. “No. I am not. I am yours still.”

Jean shook his head. “You have not been mine since I let you go. And perhaps it is best that way. When do I leave for California?”

This is what he’d wanted, and yet it hurt. His chest was heavy like a weight was crushing him. He did not want to leave Jean’s side ever again. How could he trust anyone to take care of his partner? He’d fought so hard for this, and now that he had it, he wanted to take it all back. He would endure a thousand light touches and soft kisses if it meant Jean stayed. But that was selfish, and he couldn’t allow himself to be selfish with Jean.

 

 

Chapter 12: Partner

Three days later—

 

Jean stood in the airport, his bag gripped tightly in one hand, and his partner pressed firmly against his side.

“I’m here,” Neil said in quiet French.

And perhaps that was true for the moment. But tomorrow, Neil would get back on a plane with Kevin and Andrew, and he would be left behind.

“Kevin,” a cheery voice called. A man with sun-kissed skin and unnatural blonde hair pulled Kevin into a hug.

“Jeremy, good to see you.”

“Neil, Andrew.” Jeremy nodded at the other two before chocolate eyes landed on him. “Jean.”

Jean ignored the little flip in his chest at the dimpled grin that grew when he took Jeremy’s outstretched hand.

“I’ve been excited for you to get here.”

Jean swallowed at the gentle scan Jeremy gave him as if appraising him. Was he wondering if the investment was worth it?

“Well, come on, you’ll be staying with Cat and Laila. They’re excited to meet you.” Jeremy led them to his car and opened the passenger side for Jean.

He glanced at Neil, who looked as torn as he did. Thankfully, Kevin shoved Neil into the backseat next to Andrew, leaving Jean to take the front seat. He supposed he should get used to this. There would be no Neil soon. The idea clenched around his throat like a fist.

Jeremy’s warm tone pulled him from his spiral before it took hold. He was rattling off facts about the team, which Jean did his best to remember.

Kevin and Jeremy did most of the talking on the ride. Jean hadn’t said a single word. He didn’t know what to make of Jeremy. He was kind, but he had seen Kevin’s press facade. Could this be similar? Was he just going from one cage to another? Before he could panic, Jeremy parked the car and turned to him.

“Cat and Laila aren’t home yet. They wanted to give you some space first. Let me ease you into things. I spoke with Kevin some, and I know you’re more used to a partner-based system.”

Jean couldn’t help but look back at Neil, who looked like he was wound to pounce. Andrew’s hand was tight around his wrist. He bit back a scathing remark at the sight. He hated how jealous he was of Andrew. How receptive Neil was to his touch. It sometimes had taken Jean hours to calm Neil down when he was upset. Especially at first.

“So if you need anything. Just let me know.”

Neil looked like he was about to murder Jeremy. But this had been his idea. Perhaps he was just as jealous. The thought warmed him.

“Thank you,” He said when he realized Jeremy was waiting on a response.

When they climbed out of the car, Jean turned to Neil and spoke in sharp French. “This was your idea.”

Neil’s hands were clenched at his sides. Andrew was close to him, watching. “You don’t think I know that? Doesn’t mean I like watching myself be replaced in real time.”

Jean wanted to drag the tension from his jaw like he always did. But he kept his hands to himself. “No one can ever replace you.”

Neil looked to Jeremy, who stood a few feet away with a kind smile. Patiently waiting to lead them inside.

Jean gestured. “Lead the way.”

Jeremy led them through the house. It was small but homey. Pictures of the team were stuck to the fridge with magnets. Silly doodles were drawn on scraps of paper left as notes. There was color everywhere. Blue pillows on the beige couch. Gold blankets with the team name. There were sloppily painted flowers framed on the wall.

“It’s a lot, but you get used to it.” Jeremy smiled. He showed them the office where multiple desks were lining the walls.

There were more personal photos in there. Pictures of teammates pinned to a corkboard. Two girls curled up on the couch on another.

“This is your desk.” Jeremy rubbed the back of his neck and smiled. “We each wrote you a little thing to make you feel more welcome.”

Jean blinked. Was Jeremy blushing? He went to the desk and saw three tiny slips of paper similar to the ones he’d seen in the kitchen. On one was a poorly drawn flower. ‘Welcome to our humble abode. Make yourself comfy. Can’t wait to meet you. -Laila.’ Next was a little stick figure with an exaggerated mustache and a beret. He rolled his eyes. ‘Jean, you’re gonna be an awesome addition to the team. Can’t wait to see what you can teach me. -Cat’ The last one was a poorly drawn Trojan helmet. ‘Jean, I hope you feel welcome here. I’ve always got your back. -J’

Jean’s fingers brushed over the papers, and he realized his hand was trembling. This was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. He looked up at Jeremy, who wore a sheepish smile.

“I do not look like this,” He snapped, pointing to Cat’s doodle.

Jeremy only laughed. “We also got you a corkboard. We each have one to pin reminders and pictures to. And umm…” he opened the top drawer of the desk and pulled out a tiny box. “We got you something to put on it.”

Jean stared down at the box for too long. No one had ever gotten him a gift before.

“You don’t have to open it now—“

Jean took it and carefully opened it to see a French flag pin and a team logo pin.

“You know, cause you’re one of us now,” Jeremy said.

“Just like that?” he narrowed his eyes. He didn’t trust it.

Jeremy looked taken aback. “Yeah. Of course.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I’m excited to.”

Jean turned away. He placed the two pins into the corkboard that hung above his desk. His desk. In his new home. With his new team. It was all too much. He found himself looking for Neil, but he had stayed in the living room with Kevin and Andrew. Instead, his eyes found Jeremy. And he supposed he’d have to get used to that. And maybe that wasn’t so bad.

*

“I hate him,” Neil snapped in French as he watched Jean follow Jeremy down the hallway.

“No, you’re just jealous,” Kevin snorted.

Neil blinked. Was that was this was? He was jealous? No. He wanted good things for Jean. Why would he be jealous? “I am not.”

“You only hate him because he is going to be Jean’s new partner.”

Neil’s stomach rolled. Jean’s new partner. He hated the idea. He was Jean’s partner.

“This is good for him.”

Neil stayed silent until the pair returned. His eyes landed on Jean, looking for any discomfort or hint that he wanted to leave. “Well?”

Jean shrugged. “It will take some getting used to. But I have a window in my room. I do not think I will ever close the curtain.”

All of Neil’s tension drained from him. Jean deserved a window. He deserved so much more than a window.

Jeremy offered drinks, and they all took a seat in the living room while Jeremy asked Jean a handful of questions. Nothing too personal. Just about Exy and his major. But then he asked a question that made both Jean and Neil freeze.

“What is your favorite color?”

Neil knew everything about Jean. But he did not know that.

Jean blinked and looked at Neil. “I do not have one,” he said finally.

“What?” Jeremy laughed. “Surely you have one.”

“What is yours?”

“Blue. I was gonna get you stuff for your room, but thought you might want to pick it out yourself. I didn’t know your favorite color, so I thought I’d wait and ask.”

Neil had been worried about leaving Jean with these people. Him being so far from him. But the smile on Jeremy’s face and the care and thought he put into something so small. Perhaps leaving Jean here wouldn’t be so bad.

Eventually, Cat and Laila showed up. They were nice. Just as much so as Jeremy. Jean seemed unsure around them, but he answered their questions. It wasn’t until the questions started to get more personal that the tension in the room grew. Neil had fought to keep quiet, letting Jean say what he wanted and didn’t. However, Cat suggested a beach trip, and Jean tensed.

“I do not go into water.”

“Oh, really? Why? I figured you’d love the beach. Aren’t you from Marseille?”

Jean’s back straightened. Neil went to go to his side, but Kevin put a hand on his arm to stop him. He shot Kevin a glare and then froze when Jean spoke again.

“I left when I was young. I have never been to the beach. I do not like water.”

He had not expected Jean to offer information about his past so easily, even if it was just small pieces.

“Why don’t you like the water?” Laila asked.

And that was too far.

“That’s none of your business,” Neil snapped. All eyes fell on him. Andrew’s hand wrapped around his wrist.

“Hey, it’s fine. If Jean doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t have to,” Jeremy said.

Jean blinked at Jeremy like he wasn’t real. And Neil knew what that was like. Being allowed the freedom to say no. To not answer something. He looked at Andrew, who was staring off like he’d rather be anywhere else. But the grip around his wrist told him he was paying attention.

“Thank you,” Jean’s tone was quiet.

The conversation remained light for the rest of the evening. Cat made dinner, and Neil couldn’t help but notice Jean watch her carefully from his seat at the island. She offered for him to help, and he nervously followed her instructions. To anyone else, Jean looked focused and intense. But Neil knew him. He saw the eagerness to learn something new. And when Cat praised him for doing well, he saw the immense joy in his partner’s eyes.

“Neil,” Jeremy pulled his attention, and he almost snapped at him. He wanted to absorb as much of this moment as he could. He rarely got to see Jean like this.

“I know that this isn’t going to be easy on either of you. Kevin has told me a little about how things work at Evermore. I can’t begin to understand it. But Jean is safe here. I can never take your place, but—“

“You will,” Neil cut in.

Jeremy blinked.

“He’ll seek you out at every turn. He’ll grab for you when the nightmares come. He’ll look to you for permission and comfort. He’ll be difficult, and only your words will sway him. You’ll become the rock he stands on. The wall he leans against. Are you prepared for that?”

Jeremy nodded without hesitation.

“You aren’t asking what you get in return.”

“I don’t require anything. Kindness shouldn’t cost.”

Neil couldn’t help but snort. Kindness cost everything. But he wouldn’t tell Jeremy that. “In return, Jean will give you everything. His loyalty, friendship, and protection. Anything you ask. To his own detriment.”

Jeremy frowned.

“He’ll put you first before everything, and you’ll do the same. That’s what being his partner means. Do you understand?” Neil knew that the look in his eye was bordering on dangerous. He saw the way Kevin shifted behind Jeremy.

“Yes.”

“Good. The,n when I leave here, know that I’m leaving the one thing that has mattered most to me in my life. I don’t trust you yet. And if he calls me once and says he feels unsafe, there is nothing and no one that can keep me from him. Are we clear?”

Jeremy swallowed, but to his credit, he didn’t back away. He only nodded.

Neil turned and continued watching Jean.

Dinner was filled with more chatter that Neil pretended to pay attention to. After dinner was the real test. He was going to leave Jean here while Kevin, Andrew, and Neil went to their hotel.

“If you need anything…” Neil swallowed back bile. “Jeremy is across the room.” He didn’t miss the disappointed look that crossed Jean’s face. The reality that he was no longer the person Jean was to reach for. His stomach rolled, and he hoped he didn’t puke.

Jean reached for his face but stopped. Neil caught his wrist before he could pull away and pressed his cheek into his palm.

“We’ll see you guys for breakfast before your flight, right?” Jeremy asked. A subtle encouragement that Neil appreciated. A reassurance for Jean that this was not goodbye. Not yet.

“Yes,” Neil said, pressing a kiss to Jean’s palm before stepping away.

Neil heard a muttered, “Are they dating?” between Cat and Laila. He didn’t respond. The answer to that was far too complicated.

-

Jean slept fitfully that night, and when he woke to a nightmare, Jeremy was there. A gentle hand on his shoulder as his breathing evened out. It was not the soft carding of fingers through his hair that he was used to. But it was better than waking alone. Something he had had to do when Neil had left. Jeremy was not Neil, and he never would be. But perhaps that was okay. Because, while Neil’s touch had always calmed him. It was Jeremy’s words that did it this time.

“You’re alright. You’re here with me. It was just a nightmare. Do you need anything?”

Neil. He thought. He needed Neil. But no. He would not ask for him. Instead, he said nothing, letting Jeremy continue to coax him back to sleep.

The next morning, Jeremy said nothing about the nightmare. He never asked what it was about either.

“You ready for breakfast?” Jeremy asked, cheery as ever. He had suspected it was a facade, but he thought that maybe Neil was right. Jeremy was just good.

“Why are you so happy?” Jean found himself asking.

Jeremy frowned. “It’s an effort. I have bad days, but I don’t let them consume me.”

“Neil says you are good.”

Jeremy huffed a laugh. “I’m gonna tell you a secret. I’m not. I just try to be. I wake up every day and decide I’m gonna be better. And that starts with a smile. People think smiles are only for others' benefit. My smile is just as much for me as it is for them.”

Jean tilted his head. Perhaps there was more to Jeremy than he knew. And that was interesting to him.

Cat and Laila did not go to breakfast with them. They wanted to give Jean time with his friends.

They were all sitting around a table at a local cafe when Neil asked. “How was your first night?”

“It was nice to wake up to something other than darkness in the middle of the night.”

Neil tensed. He knew what that meant. Jean knew he’d know.

“The window lets in the moonlight. And I sleep across from literal sunshine.” Jean’s tone was sharp, like he was insulting Jeremy, but the flush that filled Jeremy’s cheeks said it didn’t land.

“You didn’t call me.” It wasn’t an accusation.

“I had Jeremy.” And a heavy, sinking feeling landed deep in his gut as he watched Neil’s face fall. He wanted to reassure him. But he had let Neil go a long time ago. The reality of that would have to set in at some point.

“And you have Andrew,” he said in French.

Andrew looked up at his name, his eyes falling to Neil.

Neil said nothing. He only stared down at his plate.

“It’s not really my business, but I feel like I should ask… are you two…” Jeremy gestured between Neil and Jean.

Neil tensed.

“No. Not anymore.” Jean answered.

“Anymore,” Jeremy nodded. “Got it.”

Kevin changed the subject after that, much to Jean’s relief.

After breakfast is when the dread set in. Jeremy and Jean took them to the airport, and he found he didn’t know how to say goodbye. The last time he had done so, Neil had been unconscious and hanging onto life by a thread.

Kevin pulled Jean into a hug. “I’m a phone call away.”

Jean grit his teeth. He knew he would likely never call. But he appreciated the offer anyway, so he nodded.

Jean turned to Andrew, who raised a brow.

“I know our deal is null, but I hope that you will still look out for him.”

Andrew stared at him like he hadn’t said anything. Jean turned away when he heard Andrew’s low, “I will.”

Jean faced Neil while Kevin and Jeremy fell into conversation a few feet away. They stared at one another, and Jean couldn’t help but remember all their shared moments in the nest. All the hushed French conversations. The kisses. The nights tucked against each other in one bed. He would never experience that again, and it was relieving just as much as it was devastating.

“I will miss you, Jean Vyes Moreau,” Neil spoke first.

“You will always have a place in my heart, Nathaniel Abram Wesninski.”

Neil cupped the sides of Jean’s face and leaned forward. Jean closed his eyes, letting Neil pull him down so he could press a kiss to his forehead.

“Goodbye, Jean.” And with those words, something cracked in his chest. Tears danced in his eyes when he opened them.

“I do not know how to leave you again,” he whispered.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’ll see you again. I promise.”

That would be the thing that got him through the next few months. Neil never broke a promise.

 

 

Chapter 13: Yes

One week later—

 

Neil had not handled leaving Jean well. Last time, he had felt hope that they would be reunited. But now he had truly let him go. He felt empty. Like a piece of him had been left behind in California. And perhaps it had been. He refused to talk about it. And he did not reach out to Jean. He tried not to be upset that Jean had not reached out to him. He had clung to Kevin’s side, not allowing himself to be alone with Andrew.

However, Andrew had only tolerated that for a week before dragging Neil from his math homework to the roof.

He always loved it up there. It was wide open, and he felt like he could breathe.

Andrew was sitting next to him with a cigarette in hand. A familiar silence had settled between them. It was a silence that draped around him like a blanket. A comfort he had longed for his whole life.

Neil never imagined that his life would lead him here. On the run with his mother. Being caught and given over to the Moriyamas. Helping Kevin escape. All of it led him to this moment. On a rooftop, sitting next to Andrew Minyard. If he died tomorrow, he would he satisfied. Kevin was free. Jean was free. That was enough.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Neil shrugged. No sense in denying it. Andrew would know he was lying.

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t want to be alone with you.”

Andrew went still next to him.

“You didn’t do anything. I just… needed some time to get my head straight.” That wasn’t technically a lie. He could feel Andrew’s eyes on him. He didn’t meet his gaze.

When Andrew didn’t push. Neil spoke again. “It’s different this time. Before, he wouldn’t talk to me because you told him he couldn’t. Before, he was in the nest. Before, there was still hope that we’d be together again. I haven’t heard from him all week.” He tugged at the hem of his shirt, wrapping a stray thread around his finger.

Andrew didn’t say anything. Just watched him.

“I want to give him space. Let him… move on.” The idea made him sick. Jean was his partner. They were tied to each other. There shouldn’t be any moving on.

“What about you?”

Neil huffed a laugh. “It’s different for me. Our relationship, I mean. Kevin says he’s probably taking it harder. I don’t want to… make it worse. But I miss him. I want to know if he’s okay.”

“Have Kevin call Jeremy,” Andrew shrugged, taking a drag of his cigarette.

Neil perked up. “Oh. Yeah. They talk, so it wouldn’t be weird.” He nodded eagerly. Why hadn’t he thought of that sooner? He pulled out his phone and sent Kevin a message.

Kevin responded almost instantly, agreeing.

“What if he’s not happy. What will you do?” Andrew asked, though he seemed uninterested in his answer.

Neil tensed. He hadn’t considered that. It had only been a week. Was that enough time to be happy?

“You gonna fly to California and bring him back?” Andrew’s tone was almost derisive.

“No. I’ll find out why. If they’re… mistreating him, then yes. But if he’s just being stubborn, which I’m sure he is… he’ll need time.”

As if on cue, Neil’s phone pinged with several messages from Kevin. Screenshots of a conversation with Jeremy.

‘Hey Jeremy, how are things? Having regrets on signing Jean?’

Neil clenched his jaw at that first text but kept reading.

‘Not at all. He’s great with me. He’s still getting used to Cat and Laila. Waiting a bit to introduce him to the rest of the team.’

‘Any trouble?’

‘Nightmares mostly. But he’s slowly letting me in. I’m trying so hard to be there, but I feel a little like I’m stepping into shoes I can’t fill. I don’t know how to be Neil, you know?’

Neil’s heart gripped. He was glad that Jean was letting Jeremy in and that he was being there for Jean. But it was hard to know that he needed comfort, and Neil wasn’t there. He continued reading.

‘Neil and him had a… unique relationship. But we agreed that Jean needed someone who wasn’t Neil. And after a lot of talk, we agreed on you. Don’t overthink it. And don’t try to be Neil, trust me, I don’t think you could. Neil’s… Neil, ya know?’

Andrew snorted. He was reading over Neil’s shoulder.

The next few texts were pictures that made Neil’s chest tighten. Jean in the kitchen with Cat. He wore a scowl, but Neil saw the slight lift of his lips. He was enjoying himself. The picture came with the text, ‘he’s really enjoying learning to cook’

The next picture was a picture of the four on the beach. Neil zoomed in, examining Jean, looking for any discomfort. He didn’t seem thrilled, but he didn’t seem tense either. It was titled. ‘Jean’s first beach trip. Lots of sunscreen, don’t worry.’

The last two pictures were similar. One of Jean holding a motorcycle helmet with wide eyes and his lips down turned. In front of him was Cat mid-gesture. They looked to be in tense discussion. Followed immediately Jean holding the helmet, his eyes almost dazed and his hair messier, his lips were parted as if in awe. Cat stood with a wide grin on her face next to him. They were labeled. ‘Jean’s first motorcycle ride. Took some convincing, but I think he’s hooked.’

The words went blurry, and Neil blinked, realizing that tears were the culprit. Jean was doing things he had never gotten the chance to experience before. He found a hobby. He experienced the wide open view of the ocean. He rode a motorcycle. If there had been any regrets or hesitation in sending Jean to California, it was gone. Sure, there were still nightmares, and he would take a while to heal, but he was surrounded by people who were going to help him. That wanted him to be happy. He looked healthy, too. More color in his cheeks. More weight on his bones, even just over the course of a week. His wounds from Riko were likely almost healed by now.

Neil didn’t respond to Kevin. Instead, he pulled Jeremy’s number from the screenshots and sent him a message that said ‘Thank you.’

Jeremy instantly responded. ‘Neil?’

He debated ignoring it. He didn’t want to seem like he was checking up on Jean behind his back. But he sent back a ‘yeah.’ Anyway.

‘You’re welcome.’ The three smiley faces were overkill. And Neil shoved his phone back in his pocket before the conversation went further.

It was like a weight had lifted off his shoulders. Jean was gonna be okay. Maybe not today. And maybe not next month. But he’d get there.

He stared off into the distance, watching the birds flit across the sky and the students mill about the parking lot. He was content.

“Truth?” Andrew asked, breaking the silence.

Neil looked at him and tried not to think about the way the setting sun cast an ethereal glow across him. His amber eyes were piercing. “Go ahead,” he said, dragging his gaze away.

“You said that you didn’t know if it was true that you don’t swing.”

Neil froze. That was not what he’d expected him to ask. But he kept his tone casual. “That’s not a question.”

“Why do you think that’s not true?”

Neil stared up at the large expanse of sky. The clouds were painted in pinks and purples and oranges. What could he tell Andrew? The truth was too grand. He wasn’t ready for that. But lying broke the rules of their game.

“I wonder if it’s possible to swing for only one person.” He knew it was not quite an answer, but perhaps it would be enough.

Andrew raised a brow.

Neil hoped he didn’t ask for a clearer answer. He chewed on his bottom lip and asked, “Can I trade my question for a statement you might not want to hear?”

Andrew took a drag from his cigarette. After a moment, he gave a wave with two fingers, urging him to continue.

“Thank you for keeping your promises.”

Andrew tossed the last of the cigarette off the roof and snorted.

“And thank you for being… safe.”

Andrew’s eyes snapped to him, but Neil didn’t meet them.

“Safe for me, I mean.” Neil picked at the hem of his shirt, tugging on that thread again. The silence settled into something different. It wasn’t awkward, but it was charged now, and he wondered if he’d gone too far.

Andrew’s hand was suddenly fisted in his shirt. He didn’t flinch. Instead, he let himself be dragged forward. He was inches from Andrew now.

“Tell me no.” Andrew’s eyes dropped to Neil’s mouth, and hope coiled around his heart.

“What if I want to say yes?” Neil whispered, his own eyes falling to Andrew’s lips. He had only ever kissed Jean. How different would it be to kiss Andrew?

There was a pause, and Neil thought that if they waited another moment, Andrew would talk himself out of it. Would back away. Would let him go. He didn’t want that. “Yes, Andrew,” he said, leaning in a half inch, just enough to show he meant it.

And just like that, the gap was closed. Kissing Jean had never been unpleasant. It was comfortable, despite the softness. But kissing Andrew was like falling. A jolt through his nervous system, like it was coming alive for the first time. It wasn’t soft. It was hungry. Eager. And Neil found himself desperate for more. He opened his mouth, and where Jean’s tongue was a soft caress, Andrew’s was a crashing wave. It sent heat through him in a way he’d never felt before. Jean kissed like he was afraid Neil would disappear. Andrew kissed like he needed Neil’s mouth to live.

When they finally parted, Neil was almost dizzy. “You like me,” he said. As if he couldn’t wrap his head around it.

“I hate you,” Andrew corrected, and Neil couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips. He could live with that.