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Sungho thinks he's completely, utterly doomed.
Not in the normal idol-stress kind of way that he and his members usually deal with. Not in the usual schedule packed, hair falling out, running on 3 hours of sleep kind of doomed, because that was already happening to him. But this is something else entirely. A far more personal, almost targeted type of demise, like the cherry on top to all of his problems. He was doomed, condemned, ill-fated in every possible way: the type of doom the universe specifically writes for people who were a little too content with their repetitive lives.
This morning, Sungho woke up late. His hair refused to cooperate with him today. His dorm was in the state of a complete mess as soon as he woke up (like how it usually would be, but it was somehow worse today). The coffee he ordered was delivered incorrectly, and more than three people dragged him into an impromptu dance challenge before 9 AM. Unlike the song he was currently recording, he was not feeling good today.
But, of course, fate always strikes when things already aren’t going well.
And it all started when their precious, food loving maknae strolls in the dance practice room holding his phone up, with their producer trailing behind him and…Leehan (?). The rest of the group, who were stretching (or pretending to stretch), turned their eyes to look up at their producer expecting a big announcement. Maybe there would be a schedule change. Maybe there would be an unexpected comeback. Maybe, just maybe, there would be lunch.
“I WROTE A SONG!”
Sungho barely has any time to register what was going on. Nobody does. Jaehyun freezes and puts his water bottle down. Taesan looks at him with a dead expression. Riwoo, mid lunge, is the only member who actually looks curious (or interested at all, for that matter). Leehan…stares blankly into the distance.
“Again?” Taesan pretends to look annoyed, “Let us have one peaceful morning without your music,” but his teasing complaints are shut down. Woonhak is already pressing the play button.
Sungho braces himself, but surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad.
It was for their new album, No Genre, and the songs in that album were exactly like the name suggested: without a genre. But this song was unlike anything in there so far. It was unmistakably jazz, obviously jazz, but it wasn’t stiff or old-school. It felt fresh, new, like a serenade from the 1800s. There was something about the way the lyrics wrapped around the melody that painted the scene of a man longing and pining for his lover in a way where he starts counting seconds impatiently before his beloved would return. And it was good. Really good. Irritatingly good.
Taesan exchanges excited glances (ironic because he was complaining about Woonhak’s music just then). Riwoo taps his finger on his knee. Leehan hasn’t blinked in two minutes (possibly unrelated). Pretty much everyone seems impressed.
As they continue to listen, till the end, the beat shifts and instrumental fills in the room. Sungho guessed that would be where the dance break would be.
“Oh just so you guys know, that’s where the dance break is going to be,” Woonhak proudly declares, as if what he said wasn’t just about to destroy Sungho’s life.
“Obviously,” Riwoo whispers loudly under his breath, and Woonhak pretends to kick him.
Sungho laughs, but he’s confused. This album is called No Genre, because again, most of the songs there don’t really…have a genre. But this song is clearly jazz, and it felt different: playful, almost intimate. And jazz wasn’t really known for a hard-hitting dance break, especially not in kpop. What type of dance break would there be in this song?
And almost as if his thoughts were spoken out loud, the director adds on to Woonhak.
“Yes, Woonhak is right. This dance break will be partner choreography.”
Huh? What does that suppose mean?
Jaehyun looks at Sungho with a look Sungho knows all too well, already walking towards him like a predator who just spotted his next meal.
“Yeppi~~”
oh.
Sungho believes wholeheartedly he was going to die. Not because of the embarrassment (although that probably played a part). Not from the stress. But because Sungho knew that being this close to Jaehyun for a choreographed dance routine will absolutely make his brain melt into pudding.
You see, this wasn’t just doom in the general sense. This was romantic doom. And Sungho, out of all people, is definitely not built for it.
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1.
It wasn’t that Sungho had a problem with Jaehyun.
Jaehyun was fine. Well, not in that way of course. Definitely not in that way. But Jaehyun was funny, and he danced and sang well, and somehow always looked photogenic, even in the blurry photos (Sungho often wonders how).
But he definitely had a problem with the way Jaehyun kissed his neck hungrily in front of all of their fans, cameras pointing at him in every direction. He definitely had a problem with the way Jaehyun would call out “Yeppi~~!” loudly to him in a way that made Sungho go red. He definitely had a problem when Jaehyun would playfully act jealous when Sungho would get close with the other members.
And the worst part? Jaehyun did it without hesitation.
But it was okay. Most of his shown affection was probably only fanservice and nothing else. It wasn’t personal: just for the act. Their lingering touches were all calculated, Sungho reminded himself.
And you know what else was a problem? Jaehyun, standing inches away from him, one hand wrapped protectively around Sungho’s waist, the other clasping Sungho’s hand with such firmness yet gentleness it made Sungho’s head spin. But he did it like it was no big deal, as if it were all natural.
To Sungho, it was a pretty big deal.
Sungho’s brain already short-circuited multiple times from trying to remember the counts and steps, but when Jaehyun leaned in a little too close during the dip, warm breath on his and half-lidded eyes looking at Sungho as if he were the only person in the room, Sungho’s mind completely blanked. When Jaehyun’s hands traced the side of Sungho’s face ever so gently, Sungho could’ve sworn the dance room got three degrees hotter.
Jaehyun might look dramatic and immature on the outside, but when he danced, he was so focused, his usual expression replaced with one of soft concentration that made something twist in Sungho’s chest.
Wait what…
Sungho had known Jaehyun for multiple years before, and had seen him thousands of times: in dance rooms, before concerts, yet Sungho has never felt anything quite like this. Jaehyun’s touch was electrifying, terrifying , something Sungho didn’t recognize at all.
At that time, Sungho decided it was the song’s fault. Maybe the song had something to do with him seeing Jaehyun differently. Curse Woonhak and his lyric-making genius ass for that.
Sungho looked over at Leehan and Taesan to see if any of them were having trouble like him. They weren’t. Leehan was calm and composed as always, although he might have been zoning out again. Taesan’s left eye twitched a little bit when Leehan got close to him, but other than that, Sungho let himself believe that their duo was successful. Riwoo and Woonhak, on the other hand, seem to be extremely successful, doing their choreography so perfectly almost like they were already good enough to start performing.
And looking back at him and Jaehyun, Jaehyun seemed to be totally normal too. Maybe he added some things of his own to the choreo (like the purposeful eye contact and the flirty touches), but overall he was keeping track of their steps and counts, unlike Sungho.
Great. It was just him then.
Everything was already a mess: physically and metaphorically. Sungho hadn’t cleaned his dorm yet. His hair was still not cooperating with him. The coffee he received tasted sickeningly sweet. And now, Jaehyun was unintentionally making everything worse in the most unfair way possible.
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2.
Sungho knew Jaehyun was a bit clingy.
That was an understatement: Jaehyun was definitely not just “a bit” clingy. Pretty much everyone knew that. He rested his head on Woonhak’s shoulder all the time, hung off Leehan like his shoulder was Jaehyun’s personal armrest, and seemed to have absolutely no concept of personal space, especially not with Sungho.
If you asked, Riwoo wouldn’t bat an eye if he came through Sungho’s room and found Jaehyun curled up on the other side of Sungho’s bed, clinging onto Sungho’s arm. The first time Riwoo caught them, he froze in the hallway, wondering if he was interrupting anything. But after five or six more instances, Riwoo learned to just cautiously step over Jaehyun’s clothes scattered everywhere around Sungho’s room (Sungho definitely didn’t enjoy that) to retrieve his charger, as if the two were only a minor inconvenience.
But that wasn’t the point. When Sungho got assigned with Jaehyun to dance together, Sungho was pretty sure Jaehyun somehow got even more clingy, if that was even possible at that point.
“Sungho-hyung,” he would whine as they stood at opposite sides of the studio, “Let’s practice again.”
Woonhak whipped his head around to stare at his hyungs, an expression of mock disgust twisting on his face. Sungho wanted to do the same, but he couldn’t bring himself to.
“We just practiced the chorus like, five minutes ago.” Sungho replied, pushing his sweat-drenched bangs off his forehead, “Let me breathe for a moment.”
“But I want to dance with you yeppi~,” Jaehyun sang, bouncing across the room like a puppy let off a leash. He didn’t stop until he was right next to Sungho, of course, and he wrapped his arms around Sungho and leaned on his shoulder like a dead weight, and Sungho would momentarily lose circulation.
Woonhak fake gagged.
“Get off.”
“No :D”
Riwoo didn’t even look fazed, he was completely desensitized now and treated this like everyday behavior. Taesan muttered something under his breath ( of course this is happening again ). Leehan vanished five minutes ago, probably spacing out in front of the fish tank again. Sungho rolled his eyes, but he didn’t shake Jaehyun off. He only stood there, exhausted, chest still heaving from the choreography, with Jaehyun’s head weighing on his shoulder like it was just another day.
Secretly Sungho liked it, but he knew Jaehyun probably only did it in a teasing way or just for fanservice. It was just normal Jaehyun being clingy. And it didn’t mean anything, right?
Right?
In the midst of everything, Sungho found himself thinking hard about it. About the small kisses exchanged every night. The way Jaehyun called his name- no , the way he called “yeppi~” with a sweet tone in his voice that Sungho wanted to believe was sincerity. And when it was just them: no cameras, no staff, no fans, Jaehyun would still lean on Sungho and kiss his forehead gently like he belonged there.
Sungho swallowed, hard. Fuck . Maybe it did mean something. But it was easier to pretend like it didn’t.
“Fine, we can run it one more time.” Sungho finally relented.
Jaehyun beamed and bounced back to his place on the dance floor, as Sungho watched him a second longer than necessary, heart pounding loud enough to drown out the beats of the music.
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3.
It was only 15 seconds.
Fifteen seconds at the end of the song. Sungho didn’t know why his heart had been hammering faster than it should ever since they started rehearsing it. He’d usually run through hours of choreography without a second thought, but every time it came to those fifteen counts, it was like time had stopped.
And seriously, when did Sungho ever start caring if Jaehyun was genuine or not?
Jaehyun flirted with basically anyone that had a pulse. He clung onto every member like they were co-leads in the midst of some steamy drama. If he wanted, he could probably start dating scandals with his entire group by next week. He was truly shameless, loud, clingy, touchy. So, why did it really matter to Sungho if there was at least a grain of truth behind the way Jaehyung held him during the lift? Why did it matter to Sungho when Jaehyun’s hand lingered a second too long?
It didn’t. It couldn’t. Sungho didn’t care if Jaehyun was genuine, and especially to him too…
Except he kind of did
Sungho unfortunately didn’t realize that until thirteen minutes after their first time filming the actual choreography (just for practice, to pick out any syncing issues). It was supposed to be low-pressure. Just a rehearsal. After they did their first take, the producer connected their i-pad to the big monitor for everyone to watch. But apparently, even a simple run was enough to expose him.
“Sungho-ah, during the partner choreography with Jaehyun, you looked like you were going to faint.” The producer called out as the choreography advanced towards the dance break, “Make sure to fix that. Jaehyun doesn’t bite, you know,”
The room fell into chaos. Woonhak, in particular, doubled over laughing, as if he found Sungho’s demise entertaining. Taesan grinned with a kind of smile that said I’m definitely going to bring this up five more times this week. Or more. Riwoo jokingly grabbed Sungho’s shoulders and shook them. Leehan did his stupidly loud sarcastic laugh. And Jaehyun laughed too. “He always does that. Like I’m actually flirting with him or something,” Jaehyun giggled and leaned on Sungho’s shoulder.
Sungho, amidst the embarrassment, froze.
Like I’m actually flirting with him or something.
Sungho tried to move on by taking a sip of his water. Maybe the coldness of his water could stop the heat rising in his throat. But the weight of his words, no matter how lighthearted they were supposed to come out, still gutted Sungho. Jaehyun said it himself: he wasn’t actually flirting with him. It wasn’t real. It was a joke. Not real. Fanservice, whatever you could call it. Of course it wasn’t real, because he confirmed it himself.
Why do you even care, Sungho? he told himself. Jaehyun was still laughing, like none of it meant anything at all. The producer was moving on already, but Sungho only stayed seated.
Why do you even care, Sungho?
He knew the answer.
He just didn’t want to say it out loud.
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4.
Sungho decided to confide in his confusing feelings with Leehan.
It was an impulse decision, in Sungho’s defense, after late nights of being unable to sleep and Jaehyun’s voice echoing through his brain 24/7. He wasn’t sure why he picked Leehan, but Leehan wasn’t the type of person to pry or judge. Maybe he said weird things sometimes, but he (probably) meant well.
One day after another torturous dance practice, Sungho wandered into Leehan’s bedroom expecting him to be there. And he was. Already staring at his fish tank in a trance like he was trying to mind meld with his corydoras.
“Leehan, I should tell you something,” Sungho flopped next to Leehan on his bed like a dying prince in a tragic love story (not that he wasn’t). Leehan didn’t respond at first, his eyes following a particularly round fish swimming lazily in circles, but after a few seconds he slowly turned his head towards Sungho with a face unreadable, somewhere between curiosity and mental absence.
“Yeah?”
Sungho inhaled. “Okay, so-”
“Is it about Jaehyun?”
Sungho’s mouth opened and closed like one of Leehan’s fish. Maybe he was a bit brighter than Sungho thought. Actually, a lot brighter.
“W-What- huh?”
Leehan just shrugged and went back to staring at his fish. “I mean it’s pretty obvious. You know, that you guys like each other. Like the rest of us are doing our partner choreography pretty nicely, and you’re just gazing at Jaehyun like you saw a northern snakehead-”
“Okay stop stop stop,” Sungho mumbled as he buried his head into his pillow. He did not want Leehan to narrate his romantic crisis using quirky fish analogies.
“But it’s true,” Leehan protested, “Even the instructor senses your tension with him.”
“He did not,” Sungho complained loudly.
“I could tell he said that in his brain.” Leehan insisted.
They were quiet for a minute until Sungho spoke up again.
“But Jaehyun said his flirting wasn’t real though,” Sungho mumbled, curling up into a ball in the corner of Leehan’s bed like how Jaehyun always did, “And I act like he's actually flirting.”
Leehan bobbed his head slowly in deep thought. “Maybe he is flirting for real. I think he is.” He’s still transfixed with his fish, Sungho noticed. Sungho can see the reflection of the tank flicker on Leehan’s eyes.
“But he literally said it himself he wasn’t,” Sungho frowned and rolled over on the bed.
“Maybe like, he’s flirting for real, but you act like you don’t like him, so he pretends like it’s fake. To cover it up.” Leehan says halfheartedly, picking off a piece of lint off his sleeve.
Sungho just blinks. He rolls over again to stare at the flickering ceiling lights. In the background, he can barely make out the noise of Woonhak’s loud complaining and Jaehyun’s teasing. He can make out Riwoo’s voice, probably cracking another dumb joke that still makes Jaehyun double over with laughter. He can picture Taesan there, pretending not to smile but eventually giving up and laughing along with the others. If Sungho was there, he would be with them right now. And so he thinks to himself, hard, about what was real and what wasn’t.
“Wait, that's actually the first smart thing I’ve heard you say.”
Leehan narrows his eyes. “I say smart things all the time. You just ignore them because I say them weirdly.”
“True.” Despite everything, a small smile forms on Sungho’s lips.
The tank bubbles in the background, and the air between them is comfortingly silent. It’s like that for a bit before Leehan breaks the silence with another one of his “smart” monologues.
“You know, you and Jaehyun are kind of like fish- hey wait let me explain-”
“Leehan, I swear,” Sungho stuffs a pillow in Leehan’s face, and for however short that moment was, everything felt a little more normal.
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5.
Sungho knows he’s doomed.
And this time it isn’t about the stupid choreography. Sungho has gone to terms that the way Jaehyun’s hand supports his back and the fact that they're only inches apart isn’t anything serious. It isn’t anything real.
So Sungho does what he always does and just performs. His head croons towards Jaehyun’s, but only just enough to match the beat. He lets himself lean on Jaehyun, but only to prepare for when performing. Every move is calculated, precise. Every expression is rehearsed for a performance. Always a performance.
It was after a long session of actually recording the vocals for 123-78. Everyone was beyond exhausted, and Sungho was slumped against the mirror, chugging yet another bottle of water. Well he was, until Jaehyun came over, squeezed next to him, and made Sungho’s heart pound violently no matter how hard Sungho forced it not to.
“Good job today yeppi~~” Jaehyun said softly in Sungho’s ear with that sweet, melodic voice of his, close enough for Sungho to feel the heat of his breath and the rim of his lips. And then without even thinking, Jaehyun plants a kiss in Sungho’s hair. Then rests his head on Sungho’s shoulder like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Like he had done it a thousand times before. Like it actually meant something.
Sungho didn’t say anything, but he visibly tensed up. His heart was caught in his throat, and he slowly turned to look at Jaehyun beside him.
Jaehyun looked up with innocent eyes. “Hm?”
Sungho opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything.
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+1
When retreating to his room after a long day of singing, dancing, and trying not to get distracted by Jaehyun, Sungho somehow found him sitting on his bed, looking smaller than usual. The dorm was quiet at night, and the only lighting in Sungho’s room was the soft glow of the lamp and the moonlight peeking through his blinds.
Sungho cautiously approached Jaehyun. He wanted to ask Jaehyun what he was doing there. He wanted to stroke his hair softly, kiss his forehead, and fall asleep with him by Sungho's side. He wanted to do so many things: yet he couldn’t even bring himself to ask him what was wrong.
“Sungho-hyung,” Jaehyun finally spoke, voice quieter as he slowly looked at Sungho from his corner of the bed with eyes so big and wide.
“Why have you been avoiding me recently?” he pouted, hands fidgeting on his lap, and for a second Sungho thought he could see tears in his leader’s eyes. “Did I do something wrong? Do…you not like me anymore?”
“I-I wasn’t,” Sungho stuttered, clearly lying, and stepped back, but he was caught off guard when Jaehyun suddenly grabbed his wrist in surprising strength, stopping him from leaving.
Even at that moment, Sungho was still confused. He wanted to pull away, leaving the traces of Jaehyun behind, yet Sungho still craved the warmth of Jaehyun’s hand wrapped around his own. He even had the audacity to feel ashamed. How could Jaehyun be like this and still look so pretty? Why was Sungho focused so much on that and rather the situation itself?
“No. You have been. I want to know what I’m doing wrong,” Jaehyun’s voice trembled, and it sounded so sincere Sungho wanted to believe that Jaehyun really meant it. “Did I do something? Just tell me. Please, yeppi?”
Sungho’s throat went dry
Because Jaehyun was right. Sungho had been avoiding him a lot recently: ducking out of rooms, brushing off their hugs, looking away when Jaehyun smiled. Because every time Jaehyun called out “yeppi~” with that sweet voice, and every time he smiled at him, or kissed his head, Sungho’s chest tightened. He couldn’t deal with that anymore. And Sungho definitely couldn't deal with that tonight. Especially not tonight.
“I-I just…”
“You just what?”
Sungho paused, struggling to find the words. He could feel Jaehyun’s eyes on him, desperately waiting for an answer. It felt like time stopped once more as he spoke.
“I just didn’t want to mess up what we have.” Sungho’s eyes searched for Jaehyun’s face for any expression, but all he saw was confusion.
“W-what do you mean Sungho-hyung?”
“I didn’t want to mess it up by reading into stuff that’s probably just fanservice or something that isn’t real…or just you being clingy because that’s what you are-” Sungho rambled, heart pounding as he looked down briefly-
“Sungho. Look at me.”
Jaehyun’s eyes suddenly grew serious, his hand loosening around Sungho’s, and when he met Jaehyun’s gaze, there was something different in Jaehyun’s eyes.
“Do you really think I do all of this just for…fanservice?”
“I-It wasn’t?”
Jaehyun blinked at him like he didn’t believe what he was hearing. His soft lips parted for a small breath, and then he grabbed Sungho’s other hand, pulling him onto the bed with him.
“I call you yeppi when the fans aren’t around, right? I-I practice with you because I want to get better at the choreo…but also because I want to spend time with you Sungho,” Jaehyun seemed panicked, like he was trying to explain something. “It was real, Sungho.”
Sungho didn’t even know what to believe now. His mind was swirling with thoughts, and his heart was pounding harder and harder as he could feel Jaehyun’s thumb draw circles on his own hand.
“So this is what it’s about?” Jaehyun mumbled, “I thought you hated being my partner,” his bottom lip started to tremble as he looked down at their hands. "I thought I did something wrong."
“I don’t hate you,” Sungho said a little too fast.
“Then why do you actually keep avoiding me?”
Because I’m in love with you, and I shouldn’t be , Sungho thought
Sungho just stared at Jaehyun, the way he held onto Sungho so softly but so desperately like he was afraid Sungho would slip away if he let go, at the tears clinging to his lashes, at his big eyes searching for an answer in Sungho’s. And Sungho just couldn’t keep it in anymore.
“B-Because I think I’m falling for you. And I shouldn’t be.”
Jaehyun’s eyes softened.
Sungho exhaled like he had been holding his breath this whole time. “I avoided you because every time you call me yeppi, every time you kiss me, every time we danced together, I didn’t know what to do. I really thought it was all for fanservice and performance, and that it wasn’t real.”
Jaehyun didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry” Sungho added quickly, “I should leave now.”
His hand slowly retreated from Jaehyun’s as he began to stand up.
“Wait…you liked me?” Jaehyun cut in, like he needed to confirm that he heard correctly.
Sungho swallowed hard. “Yeah.”
Jaehyun’s bottom lip trembled again, but this time, he lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Sungho’s neck and enveloping him with kisses wherever he could reach. Sungho could still feel faint tear traces on Jaehyun's cheek.
“Oh yeppi~” Jaehyun sighed, cupping Sungho's face tightly and planting a kiss on his lower cheek, “That was sooo sweet :D I love you too,”
Sungho let out a breath of relief, half-laugh, half-sob, and his hands instinctively wrapped around Jaehyun’s waist, grounding them both
“You’re so dramatic,” he whispered, voice cracking despite the teasing.
“I am dramatic,” Jaehyun insisted, still peppering kisses across Sungho’s face like he was trying to make up for all the time they’d wasted. “Because you made me wait so long.”
“You never said anything,” Sungho mumbled into Jaehyun’s shoulder. “I thought you were just playing around.”
“I don’t play when it comes to things I love.” Jaehyun pulled back slightly, his voice sounding slightly offended. “And I love you. Sooo much.”
Sungho looked up, their foreheads almost touching. “Say it again.”
“You’re so greedy now, huh?” Jaehyun beamed mischievously.
“I love you, Park Sungho.”
And before Sungho could say anything back, Jaehyun leaned in softly and kissed him. It was something that Jaehyun had done multiple times before, but this time Sungho found it different: comforting and familiar, but tender in a way that still made his heart race, made every corner of his body feel warm, every beat of his heart whispering I love you, I love you, I love you.
It was the first time in a long time, Jaehyun called him by his name instead of the usual yeppi , Sungho noticed. And at that moment, the name "Park Sungho" had never sounded more beautiful.
Maybe being doomed didn't feel so bad after all.