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Toya woke up with the feeling of nothingness. It was just another day of having a chain around his neck. Everything inside his house was too much—so much that Toya thought he would throw up just from breathing. But there was nothing he could do. After all, he was just a fifteen-year-old boy who still needed his parents' permission for everything.
The silence was the only sound he heard. No “good morning,” no smile from anyone, not even the warmth of a human greeting him. But Toya was already used to it—the coldness from people. He didn’t really care about it anymore.
Toya came down from his room once he finished everything. His new uniform, bag, and everything else were new—except his family’s reaction.
His father reading the newspaper and talking with his brother was nothing new. His mother eating in silence was nothing new. Him joining them and being completely unnoticed was nothing new.
What’s a family, anyway? He didn’t know. But he was sure his father wanted him to have one someday—probably when he reached his brother’s age.
What did they expect from him? To have the same kind of family as his own?
He’d rather die.
“Toya, today’s your first day, but I can’t attend your meeting. And your mother is also busy. Your brother has a performance coming up, so—” His father didn’t even bother to look at him. The newspaper in his hands was more interesting than his own son.
“It’s fine. Thank you for the food. I’m going to school.” Toya stood up and walked out of the house. The car was already prepared, so he just jumped in and said nothing. The silence, once again, filled his space.
The ceremony is way too long. He doesn’t know anyone at the school who’s in the same grade as him. He just heard that the oldest son from the Tenma family is studying here, but he’s a year older. Everything feels unfamiliar, yet familiar—because nothing will change.
“Uh, sorry. I didn’t see you.” The ginger-haired man bumped into him from the opposite direction. From what Toya could see at first glance, he wasn’t the kind of friend his father would approve of. His style was... unique? The earrings, the colored hair, and the way he wore his uniform were all signs that Toya should never get close to him.
They were too different to be friend.
Toya must have been staring too long, because he saw the confusion on the ginger's face. “I-It’s fine! I’m not hurt or anything.”
“I’m glad, man! I thought you were on your phone and it got broken, or you were texting your girlfriend and hadn’t finished the message but it got sent because I bumped into you.” The ginger patted his shoulder and spoke way too friendly. Toya had never met this kind of person.
“I don’t have a girlfriend.” God, Toya now wondered—out of all the things he could’ve said, why that? That guy wouldn’t care anyway, and it was just embarrassing.
“Wow, that’s fine! I mean, the way you look—you’re attractive enough. I’d probably fall for you, I mean, if I were a girl.” The guy said it while observing Toya from head to toe. Then suddenly, his eyes widened.
“Oh my god! The mole under your eye is so pretty.” Toya felt a hand on his face. The guy’s hand wasn’t soft—but Toya’s were worse, since he played instruments daily. But the touch felt different. It was way too gentle. Like Toya was something easy to break—like he was precious.
Toya laughed at the thought.
“Sorry, I touched you without permission.” The ginger looked so apologetic, and it was kind of funny to see his expression. Toya laughed, and somehow, the awkwardness between them disappeared.
“No problem!” Toya found himself smiling—for once, without needing to fake it.
“By the way, my name is Shinonome Akito. But don’t call me Shinonome, because I don’t like the name. You can call me Akito! Way cooler, right?” Toya nodded. It was a cool name—for a cool boy like him.
“My name is Toya. Aoyagi Toya.” Toya didn’t like the name Aoyagi either, but he couldn’t say it out loud like Akito did. It always felt like his father’s eyes were watching him everywhere. He shouldn’t tarnish the family name, no matter where he went.
“Where are you going?”
“Class A.”
“Good! We're in the same class!”
The semester went by faster than Toya expected. There wasn’t much change in his life—still school, going home, practicing instruments. But it felt more lively than before, because he had met some new friends he didn’t need to pretend around anymore.
One of them was Shiraishi An. She was Akito’s childhood friend. Sometimes, she would whisper secrets about Akito from when they were young, and Toya would laugh them off—because it was somehow very different from the Akito he knew now.
But a part of him felt envious. He didn’t have that kind of childhood. His only friend had been a musical instrument—cold, silent, and dark. Akito, on the other hand, had the opposite.
“Hey, Toya!” An sat in front of him, her voice somehow quieter than usual. “It’s supposed to be a—how should I say... Do you want to join us? I mean, Akito and I are having dinner together after school.”
This is fun, Toya thought. He had never hung out with friends before. He had a schedule he was expected to follow. Skipping even one lesson meant harsh comments from his father for dinner.
“I shouldn’t say this, but... Akito has eyes on you! He wants to ask you out, but he’s such a loser—he doesn’t have the courage. So I took the initiative. How good of a friend am I?” An’s words made Toya blush.
It was the first time Toya had ever felt this. He and Akito had spent time together sometimes—during lunch, at school. Drawing each other’s faces, baking good cookies in economics class, even being partners in sports.
Knowing that it could be mutual—it hurt, but it was lovely at the same time. Akito, someone from a completely different world… loving him? A broken person like him?
Toya had never imagined it could happen. The image of him and Akito wasn’t just a dream. It could be a real moment—one where he could finally hold Akito’s hand, not just his shadow.
Toya nodded, and An took it as a great sign. She walked over to Akito’s table, and for a moment, Toya saw Akito glance his way. Their eyes met—but for some rereasons, both Akito and Toya felt too shy to hold the gaze.
And now, here he was, sitting in a café. Eating with Akito and An right in front of him. An was busy texting on her phone, and the silence between him and Akito felt painfully awkward—especially after An said, “Go on, you guys, talk. I’m not gonna interrupt anything. Just don’t go all wild and make out in public.”
But they were both too shy to say anything. This wasn’t like the Akito Toya had first met. That Akito had been bold, talkative, overflowing with energy. But this one... couldn’t even meet Toya’s eyes.
Not long after, a little girl approached their table. She was adorable, with twin-tail hair. She waved at An, and An ran to her with a hug and a kiss. Toya froze.
“Shit, An! I don’t wanna see you and your girlfriend kiss!” Akito grumbled, munching on his French fries with a sulky face.
“Why are you so disappointed?” An teased. “You can totally do what I do—with my cutest girlfriend in the world, right, Kohane?” She pinched her girlfriend’s cheeks, and the girl just buried her face, blushing.
“Shut up!” When Akito reached for more fries, his hand brushed against Toya’s. It was sudden—but it felt like lightning shot through Toya’s body. Not in a bad way. It felt like he wanted more. More than just a touch.
But he knew he couldn’t handle it. If Akito touched him the way An touched Kohane—Toya would break. Explode. Die. Goodbye, future.
“Toya... this weekend. Do you want to go with me? I mean... with An and his girlfriend. But since it’s a festival, they’ll probably want time alone. So... it’s more private. Just the two of us.” Toya said yes without thinking—because Akito’s eyes were practically begging him. And they were too cute to say no to. Toya would give him anything.
Toya stepped outside quietly, even though there was no one in the house.
Today, they were meeting at the station. He rarely took the train, so he was excited about a lot of things: riding the train, going to a festival for the first time with friends, and... the beginning of his first love story.
Akito had already left a few minutes ago, so that meant if Toya took the next train, they’d meet on board. Toya waited—nervous. The music playing through his earphones was the only thing calming him down.
It was time. He was about to meet Akito. It’s real.
“Toya, I’m glad you made it! We’ll meet up with An and Kohane at the next station—they were on a date earlier.”
For some reason, Akito looked shy when he said the word date. Toya just nodded and smiled. He looked out the train window. The view was beautiful—the sun setting, birds flying away. And beside him, the most beautiful thing of all.
Toya felt grateful. Today might be the best moment of his life. And he knew—he’d never forget it.
“Toya, marry me,” Akito said without hesitation—too loudly, in fact. Toya immediately panicked, afraid people might have heard them.
“Akito?” Toya looked at him, completely in disbelief.
“I mean, I know we’re still in high school, but I’m sure, Toya. You’re the one I’ve been looking for. The moment you sat here, I felt like I didn’t need anything else. Just you, Toya. Breathing beside me. And suddenly, my life felt complete.”
Akito reached for Toya’s hands—offering him strength. And somehow, it worked. Because now, Toya could finally see it—his future. With Akito.
“You’re so dumb,” Toya said, smiling softly. “But... I like the idea.”
Akito laughed—and the way the sunset lit up his face was too perfect. It felt magical. So magical, Toya thought heaven must be here.
“What do you think if we lived near the beach? So we could start every day watching the sunrise together. And in the afternoons, we’d go to the beach and watch the sunset. Then have a BBQ party every night!”
Toya was amazed—he wasn’t the only one thinking about a future.
“And also—I want Kiritani Haruka to sing at our wedding!”
“Huh? The idol?! That must be expensive, Akito!”
“Don’t worry, Toya. I have my ways!”
The festival went well. They took some pictures, ate delicious food, and played games together. And now, they were walking toward Toya’s house—since Akito had said, “I’m still missing you. Let me walk you home.”
Their hands were intertwined as they laughed at small, silly things—like when Akito found a frog and imitated its croaking, or when they said the stars looked like weird, funny shapes in the sky.
When they reached the park near Toya’s house, they stopped and sat for a while. They shared earphones, and Toya realized he loved Akito’s voice even more when he was singing.
It was so beautiful that Toya wanted more than just to look at him.
“Toya?” The earphones slipped from his ear. His hand rested on Akito’s knee as he leaned in—and kissed him.
It only lasted a few seconds, but Toya’s heart pounded like he’d been holding a note for hours. When he looked at Akito, he saw him smiling—like he’d been waiting for this moment too.
“I love you, Toya. God, I never thought you’d be the one to kiss me first.” Akito stood up and ruffled Toya’s hair. “Let’s go home?”
Akito reached out his hand—and Toya was more than happy to take it.
Toya should have realized it earlier—every future plan he shared with Akito never included his family. It was always just him, Akito, and Akito’s relatives. Because it was too good to be true in the first place.
“YOU’RE SO DISGUSTING!” Toya had only just reached his house, still smiling from waving goodbye to Akito a minute ago. But his father’s voice cut through the air like a blade. His older brother was sitting on the sofa, cold as always. That wasn’t surprising. But Toya couldn’t help but wonder—what happened now?
“Your brother saw you kissing a boy. At the park. Is that true, Toya?” His father’s voice was sharp—accusatory. It didn’t matter what Toya said. The outcome was already decided.
“I’m sorry, Father.” The slap landed hard across his cheek. He didn’t need to look—he already knew how disappointed his father was. His father only hit him when he thought Toya had done something unforgivable.
“What were you thinking, Toya?” His voice grew louder, angrier. “Our name will be tarnished if anyone sees you like that. When you were doing it, did you even think of your family?”
He shoved Toya—hard—until his back hit the wall. “Who was the boy? Is he your classmate?”
Toya’s brain screamed danger. His father was unpredictable when angry. And Akito... Toya couldn’t let him get hurt.
“No, Father! He’s just someone I met—when I was looking for a reference in the library.”
Another slap—sharper this time. “So you’re just going around selling yourself now?” His father’s grip tightened around Toya’s chin, forcing him to meet his gaze. It hurt. But there was no escape.
“Did your parents ever teach you to go kissing random boys, Toya?!”
“I’m sorry, Father,” Toya cried, the words falling out between sobs. “I won’t do it again, I swear. It was my mistake—not his. I kissed him first.”
His crying was so loud, his mother came down the stairs. She looked shocked—but said nothing. Toya already knew: she couldn’t go against his father.
“Know your place, Toya!”
The next morning, he had to wear a mask to hide his swollen cheeks. It still hurt, and Toya couldn't eat his breakfast. His father didn’t spare a single word. It was more painful than dying.
He met Akito when he entered the class. Akito looked shocked. “Toya, did you get the fever because we stayed outside too long?”
Akito tried to reach his forehead, but Toya slapped his hand away. Akito looked hurt, but he didn’t say anything and just let Toya go.
Akito still tried to talk to him. He knew it was too soon, but Toya couldn’t say anything. It felt like the chain was too tight to even explain. But Akito stayed the same, still trying.
“What happened? Did I do something wrong?” But Toya just walked away, without any explanation.
“Toya, I wrote a song about you!” Akito handed him a piece of paper with his full smile. “I don’t know what happened, but I want you to cheer up. I’ll sing this song at my next audition. Will you come?”
“Sorry, Akito. I have practice.”
“Then, how about the cinema this weekend? There’s a movie I want you to see because it’s so good that—”
“I HAVE PRACTICE, AKITO! CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”
Toya yelled. The emotion he’d been suppressing came out—to the wrong person. Akito didn’t deserve to be treated like that. He was too kind. And Toya? He was just nothing.
Toya walked out of the class, still holding the piece paper song that Akito wrote, and threw it in the trash can. He broke down inside the toilet. He wanted to bow to Akito. Say sorry. Say he couldn’t be with him anymore because everything in his life was broken. That if they kept going, it would only drag Akito down. But he never did.
The distance between them just naturally grew. There was nothing to end—because it never started in the first place. There was no explanation. Being in the same class with Akito felt so painful, but he was used to it. It wasn’t the first time.
“Oh, it’s Akito and his girlfriend,” An said when they came out from the library. Akito smiled at the girl, like how he used to smile at him. It was painful to see. But Toya understood. He was the one who ruined the relationship, so he had no right to be mad or feel anything.
Akito had moved on. He dated a guy once. Someone Toya knew Akito had met during an audition. They sang together once. Akito never sang the song about him. Of course he didn’t. Why would Akito hurt himself by singing something that only reminded him of someone like Toya?
“Good. After all, he deserves it,” Toya said in a calm voice. So calm it scared even himself.
An looked at him, disbelief in her eyes. “I don’t know what happened between you two. You just... drifted away. Akito cried to me for weeks, asking what happened to you. But you never called him back. You just let go, Toya. Akito deserves happiness too. There’s a limit to everything—you can’t expect him to stay forever when you gave him nothing.”
“I know, An. It’s my fault. But—” He couldn’t finish. There was nothing else to say. Nothing to defend.
It still hurt. Months had passed, and he thought talking about it would be easier. But it wasn’t. It would never be.
Seeing Toya in that state, An hugged him. “I’m sorry, Toya. I’m not taking sides. You’re my friend too. But when you’re ready... tell him. Not because you want to change the past, just because he deserves an explanation.”
Toya knew An was right. But he also knew—It was the hardest thing to meet Akito again.
Years passed like the seasons. It’s been ten years since that moment. Now, Toya had been working as a musician—just like what his father expected.
For the past years, he always said yes to everything his father told him. Because he felt bad. He made his father hit him. He wanted to make him happy.
And he was successful—because his father finally smiled when Toya told him he got accepted into a famous university to pursue music.
Toya basically just became his father’s doll now. Everything he asked, Toya would say yes—without questioning it. Love wasn’t his problem anymore. He had learned to keep distance from everyone who tried to get close to him.
It’s the life that Toya should have had from the beginning.
It’s so perfect.
The café bell rang. Toya saw a familiar face behind the bar. He waved and smiled. It had been a while since the last time he met with them.
“Aoyagi-kun! I'm truly sorry about your father. I couldn’t attend the ceremony—I was out of town.” Toya shook his head and sat on one of the chairs.
“That’s fine, Azusawa-san. We just finished everything a month ago. My father was an important person, so… we had a lot to take care of.”
An came over and gave him a coffee before he even ordered. He accepted it gratefully. “Thank you.”
“I don’t know if you noticed or not, but… Akito came to the funeral—with our classmates, of course.”
Hearing that name still hurt. Toya brought his hands to the cup, feeling its warmth. “I know. I saw him… but I didn’t say anything.”
This time, Kohane brought a cake. She said it was the best seller here and that Toya needed to try it at least once. She even saved another piece for him to take home.
“Toya,” An said, voice a little softer now, “I know it’s not my place to say this… but Akito has been asking about you. Last time we all hung out, he said he wanted to meet you again. He didn’t say it directly, but… we’ve been friends for a long time. I know what he actually means.”
Toya looked down, “I don’t have the face to meet him, An. Everything I did to him was awful. I can’t even forgive myself. I’ve told you everything I kept inside for years.”
An nodded. She didn’t force him. She just stayed, listening—like she did years ago when Toya first opened up to her.
“We were just immature back then, Toya. I said it before and I still mean it now: meeting him again doesn’t have to mean starting something new. It’s just… giving closure. Giving both of you a way to keep living your lives without that weight.”
She stepped out from behind the bar and hugged him. “Because I want you to live freely, Toya. Without regrets. And able to love someone else again. It doesn’t have to be Akito—it could be someone else. But right now… you can’t, because the regret you carry is dragging you down.”
Toya cried. He couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“You’re not broken, Toya. Hurting and being hurt… that’s what makes us human. Akito was just one character in your life. But if he knew your regret over him was keeping you from enjoying anything… that would only make him feel sad.”
“Aoyagi-kun…” Kohane’s voice was calm, serious, “If you’re ever ready, someday… we could try having lunch together. Like we used to. It doesn’t have to be today. Or tomorrow. We could try again. Even if it’s ten years from now.”
Toya smiled. He was glad to see them again. To feel something again.
So he just nodded.
“Thank you,” he said quietly.
“I’ll think about it.”
yoursand_only Mon 11 Aug 2025 12:30AM UTC
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