so far, so fake

by oya_sumi

Summary:

I know you wanna distance yourself from me
The head is only a dangerous dead weight
I'm cauterizing the veins you lacerate
In the end, you took it all away from me.

 

After being killed by the one person he trusted most, Azure finds himself in an unfamiliar realm surrounded by likewise unfamiliar characters, all with blood on their hands. As he tries his best to grapple with the new normal, he befriends(?) an unlikely companion along the way: 1x1x1x1, the embodiment of hatred. Perhaps this reality is not so bad...
And yet, the ghost of the past lingers in the form of a dagger-wielding ex-confidant. The carnal desire for revenge is louder than Azure's own thoughts, although he feels something tugging on his heartstrings every time he sees Two Time, even as he rips them apart. Can this grudge ever be laid to rest, or will the circumstances not allow it?

Notes:

Chapters are emoji-coded by POV!
💜 = Azure POV
💚 = 1x1x1x1 POV
🖤 = Two Time POV
This fic will be primarily Azure POV, but the POV does shift on occasion.

Also I will go ahead and warn anyone reading this that I am very bad at keeping any sort of consistent update schedule. If this fic isn't updated for a long stretch of time, don't worry! I'll come back eventually... maybe... hopefully. Either way you've been warned

Chapter 1: The Owl And The Tanager [💜]

Summary:

"I'm weeding and raking until
I'm bleeding in spite of my love for you
It bruised, it bruised my will"
-The Owl And The Tanager, Sufjan Stevens

Chapter CWs: sacrifice, graphic depiction of stabbing, depiction of the afterlife/limbo

Azure had always found love to be a beautiful thing. He found meaning in life through love; a reason to get out of bed in the morning, a reason to strive for self-betterment, a reason to keep going at all. Every time the world began to seem dark, the warm, adoring face of his lover would pull him back. The sneaky glances during sermons, the nights spent sneaking into each other’s bedrooms, escapades out into the flower fields where they braided each other’s hair and laughed until it was too dark to make out the details of each other’s faces.

How cruel, then, must the world have been—to send it all crashing down upon him eventually, and to not have so much as the decency to laugh as the illusion fell.

Something had been off about Two Time for a few weeks before it happened, but Azure thought little of it, having known them previously to have strange sorts of episodes. They seemed less willing to sneak about with him, less physically affectionate, distant and preoccupied at every turn. Sometimes they stared off into the distance as if seeing a ghost; when Azure attempted to pry, he was met with stubborn deflection. His concern grew by the day, but his resolve did not. Perhaps that is what spelled his downfall, or perhaps it was coming either way.

As he stood awaiting Two Time in the field of nightshade flowers a ways away from the Spawnist church, he nervously fidgeted with the sleeve of his cloak, staring down at the blossoms surrounding him with apprehension swirling in his gut. There had been a sudden turn of events that day: instead of avoiding a late-night rendezvous as Azure's lover had been eager to do lately, Two Time had approached Azure and practically demanded one. Azure was in no place to say no, considering he’d been asking for quality time with Two Time all the while, but something about this gave him a bad feeling, slow and insidious like a snake writhing in the flower stems. He hoped it was nothing, told himself it was an overactive imagination casting undue doubt upon his lover… but he couldn’t shake the feeling.

Azure jolted to awareness, departing from his thoughts, as he heard soft footsteps on the grass behind him. When he looked over his shoulder, he saw them. His lover. Their hands were clasped behind their back, and their eyes were closed almost as if in prayer, underscored by dark circles. It was hard to see in the low light of night, even with the presence of a lantern, but Azure could’ve sworn Two Time was shaking.

“...Hello, beautiful flower,” Azure greeted sweetly. He turned to face them fully, and took slow, deliberate steps forward, intending to meet them where they stood. “Something ails you, I know it. Pray, speak…”

Two Time remained unmoving, and Azure started to believe they hadn’t heard him. He opened his mouth to repeat himself, gentler this time…

He gasped and flinched back as Two Time’s eyes suddenly shot wide open, their pupils contracting to tiny pinpoints before locking onto him like a wild animal about to pounce. Shock took hold of his body like sealing ice; he found himself helpless, powerless to flee, even as Two Time lunged toward him. A glint of silver, shining in the moonlight, caught his eye just before—

Squelch. 

The noise the dagger made as it was driven right between two of Azure’s ribs was terrible, wet and sickening as it pierced his chest cavity, skewered his lung on its dual blades. Then, Two Time gripped it with both hands and wrenched it, twisting it with enough force to tear a limb from a tree. A rib snapped. Azure let out a strangled, pitiful cry of agony at the flourish and promptly hit the ground like a sack of bricks, his vision swimming with dark splotches as crimson spilled from him. It slowly pooled on the ground around him, staining purple blossoms red.

The worst part? The stab had missed his heart. Nothing about this was going to be fast.

After twisting the dagger, Two Time released it, dropping to their knees next to Azure’s trembling form. Eyes still wide, they stared at him, as if in disbelief at the state of him. Azure could hardly stand to look at them, although in all fairness, he could hardly stand to move with the fiery pain radiating from his chest, searing through every nerve in his body. In his peripheral vision, he saw them squeeze their eyes shut tight and clasp their trembling hands together, splattered with blood. Tears ran down their sunken face. Azure only caught snippets of the prayer they uttered through the ringing in his ears.

“Oh, divine Spawn, see now the depth of my devotion to you… That I would give up that which is most precious to me second to you…”

Azure wheezed and sputtered as he tried and failed to take breaths. Blood welled up in his throat, pooled in his mouth, sprayed when he involuntarily coughed and convulsed. His head spun. He couldn’t breathe.

Why now? I have so much left to say, so much left to do with you…

The words had no way of reaching a mouth which was clogged with viscera.

Two Time’s eyes opened once more, glimmering with tears, and they set their gaze skyward, desperate and manic. “Do you hear me? I have done what you wanted! I have rid myself of this impurity—his blood is on my hands! Do you hear me??”

Azure followed their gaze, even the smallest movement of his eyes slow and labored. The night sky hung overhead, quiet and unresponsive.

Stars. So many stars. Azure had never noticed the sheer number of them before. There was so much out there that he had never noticed before.

The pain was ebbing away; everything was ebbing away. Azure could hardly feel his back against the ground anymore, or the blood tacking up onto his shirt. Faintly, as if observing it from afar rather than experiencing it, he felt Two Time’s cold, quaking hands grasp one of his own.

“Azure, can you still hear me? Are you there? Say something…”

Azure’s throat convulsed. No sound came out.

The last thing he saw was the stars. They flickered out, one by one, until the last one disappeared into the unending, unknowing cosmos, and Azure was left in the silence and the dark.

 

Death was cold. That was the first thing Azure had noticed.

The second thing he noticed was the unbearable quiet; no people talking, no birds chirping, no wind blowing. Not even the sound of white noise buzzing in his ears. Absolute silence. What better to amplify his stormy thoughts?

To say that he was floating would be somewhat inaccurate. He was suspended in sheer nothingness, formless and directionless. The world was gone, as was his body. All that was left was the consciousness, the soul.

All he could think about was Two Time. He wondered what they’d done after he was gone. Figured that they were praised as some sort of hero for making such a hefty sacrifice in the name of the Spawn. Wished that he’d been able to say something to them, before his heart stopped beating.

And now I will never get such a chance again.

Just as that notion occurred to him, Azure suddenly sensed something, some sort of foreign presence in the void of the afterlife. Having no eyes with which to see, Azure could not visualize this presence, but he could sense a message from it, invading his thoughts like some sort of psychic parasite.

You wish to see your Two Time again?

Azure hesitated before responding, a hesitation which, in this limbo, could have cost mere seconds or thousands of eons with Azure being none the wiser.

Can such a thing be?

Azure heard no noise, and yet seemed to be aware of laughter from the presence.

Anything can be if your desire is great enough. Do not answer; I know already what your answer will be.

As quickly as it had come, the presence in the void withdrew, leaving Azure with nothing but himself once more… except something had shifted. He no longer felt entirely featureless. The slightest hint of physical sensation was beginning to return to him, beginning at his still, unbeating heart and slowly drifting outward. Gradually, he felt arms, legs, hands, fingers, feet…

An anticipatory sort of feeling settled in Azure’s gut; he likened it to the awareness that one was about to awaken from a particularly lucid dream. Fleeting hope dashed across his consciousness, a passing wish that what had transpired had been nothing more than a nightmare. He clenched his fists, the sensation realer than it’d felt since that blade entered his chest. Whatever was happening, if Two Time would be there, he figured himself ready for it.

What a fool he was.

Chapter 2: All Gone [💜]

Summary:

"Now that you're all gone, all gone, all gone
I bet you don't feel lighter
No, I don't feel lighter
'Cause I did it wrong, did it wrong, did it wrong..."
-All Gone, Mother Mother

Chapter CWs: derealization, blood

Azure awoke to no warm greeting and no familiar faces as he rose from the oblivion of death, his consciousness feeling almost unwelcome in a mortal form. Instead, what greeted him was a musty, stale smell, accompanying the sight of a derelict and dark room, of which Azure was staring at the ceiling. The mattress he laid upon was old and hard, lumps in it digging into Azure’s back. With some difficulty, he pushed himself up into a sitting position, bones creaking and every inch of him aching. He felt as if he’d been laying in that spot for years with how much his body protested the movement.

After giving himself a few moments to adjust, Azure stood from the bed. His vision spun at the change in elevation, and he fought to keep his footing; he shambled unsteadily over to the nearest wall, and whilst steadying himself with a hand upon it, he felt around for a light switch. When he found and flipped one, a singular lightbulb flickered to life above the bed, illuminating the shoddy room in meager yellow light.

His gaze near-instantly caught on a mirror against the wall. Spiderweb cracks covered its surface… but it was definitely still usable. It had been so long since Azure had seen himself that he spared no hesitation before walking over to the mirror to check his appearance, bracing himself for ghost-like transparency or deathly pallor or something of that sort.

It was so much worse.

Azure could only stare in abject horror at the man awaiting him in the mirror—this man which could not be himself, for the simple fact of it not being a man at all. Disbelief persisting, Azure raised one hand in pitiful hope to prove himself wrong. He saw the reflection match his movement, and when his hand passed into his line of sight, it looked the same as it did in the mirror. Nausea slowly began to settle deep in Azure’s stomach.

Most of him had turned an inky black, save for his torso and his eyes, both a vibrant purple similar to nightshade blossoms (which Azure could now hardly stand to picture, having been given a new meaning). The sigil of the Spawn marked Azure’s torso like a brand, and no matter how Azure wiped and scratched at it, it didn’t come off, the reminder of his fate remaining steadfast even as Azure desperately attempted to push memories down. His robes were tattered and weathered, as if left in the wilderness for years and allowed to go to shreds. Darkness flickered in the corner of Azure’s vision, and he jumped, thinking a shadow of the room had shifted—but the truth was worse. He finally noticed tangled, dark tendrils twisting behind himself, some seeming to reach out toward nothing and some remaining coiled close to Azure’s back.

He hadn’t been feeling lumps in the bed; he’d been feeling his new appendages. Tentacles.

This cannot be me… this monster before me. Can death truly instill such a change?

Azure felt numb, the only sensation remaining being that of his twisting gut. He felt that he might faint. Part of him hoped that he would, just so he wouldn’t have to stare at his reflection any longer, since he found himself unable to look away of his own volition.

A voice spoke up behind him, pulling him from his haze and prompting him to spin around in alarm.

“Don’t forget your hat on the way out of the door.”

A pointed hat vaguely resembling that which Azure had worn before his death sat on a nearby bedside table, staring up at Azure with glowing, empty eyes above a likewise glowing, jagged mouth. Azure opened his mouth to ask a slew of questions, the first of which was Since when did my hat have a face and the ability to talk?— or… he tried to. His lips refused to part, as if sealed together by some sort of adhesive. Azure glanced over his shoulder and at the mirror once more, and he finally noticed it. A zipper.

His eyes widened, and he was very abruptly overcome with a feeling of being unable to breathe. He raised his hand to the slider of the zipper, hand shaking.

“I would advise against that—you would regret it, I assure you. For your own sake, pull yourself together. I will speak on your behalf… wretched beast.”

Azure wanted nothing more than to leave the thing behind, feeling sickened by its presence in a similar manner as he had been by his own reflection. It had no pupils, and yet Azure could sense it staring at him, a mocking undertone hiding behind its fabric features. He debated for several long moments whether the presence of the hat or being entirely unable to communicate would be worse. 

Hesitantly, he reached out to grab the hat, earning a hum of smug satisfaction in an ‘I knew it’ sort of tone from it. He stared at it in his hands for several long moments, and the hat stared back, expectant.

When he placed the garment upon his head, his psyche shifted. His train of thought grew muddier near-instantly, tainted by emotions and inclinations which did not feel like Azure’s own, but were almost more powerful. Azure’s expression shifted from doe-eyed shock and apprehension to a stone-set scowl, and he subconsciously clenched his fists.

“That’s right. Now, walk.”

Without a second thought, Azure walked over to the door leading out of the bedroom, turned the knob, and stepped out into the dark hall beyond.

No sooner than Azure had pulled the door shut behind him, Azure caught a flicker of movement in the corner of his vision—a flash of red. Azure didn’t have enough time to turn and look, nor run, before the red mass crashed into him, growling and yowling like some sort of wild animal as it and Azure tumbled over each other and down the hall. When Azure finally came to a stop, dizzy and aggravated and somehow still having his hat on his head, he was flat on his back and face-to-fact with a red beast with sharp teeth, horns, and claws, as well as big eyes and a lashing tail. The beast’s weight as well as Azure’s own pressed Azure’s tentacles into the floor painfully. It gasped in a boyish voice as it looked Azure over.

“Ohh, I knew it! I knew someone new was here!” he cooed, before digging his claws into Azure’s shoulders and prompting Azure to thrash around underneath him, annoyance growing by the second and causing his tentacles to whip, whacking the red monster in the side. This earned no reaction. “Are you on our side? Huhh?”

“Yes, we are. Get off, ” Azure’s hat snapped. The red beast-child gasped again, quickly rolling off as told and staggering to his feet, with Azure following soon after. “Talking hat! You’re so cool looking… What's your name?”

“We are Azurewrath.”

Azure found himself very thoroughly conflicted about this. One part of him felt that this new name suited him better in death—that he would never be the same person he was before he was betrayed, and a new name for a new man was only logical; the other part of him was confused when he’d decided he’d been betrayed at all.

I can’t even agree with my own thoughts. I’ve lost myself…

“I dare say you have,” the hat jeered.

“What?” the red child chirped cluelessly, tilting his head and nearly sticking a horn into the nearest wall on accident.

“I was not speaking to you,” the hat huffed, Azure quickly forgetting his conundrum in the wake of newfound annoyance at the young beast in front of him.

“Oh, okay,” the child laughed, glancing up and down the hall with a big grin on his face. “Well, since you’re new and stuff, I should probably show you around and introduce you to everyone, right? We’re all friends around here, you’re gonna have so much fun!”

Azure huffed loudly, looking away from the beast for a moment. “I sincerely doubt that, ” the hat sneered cynically, “But fine, perform your introductions.”

The child pumped his fist in the air in triumph and gave a singular joyful hop, the force of which shook the hallway and created a small new crack in the floorboards beneath him. “Yes, yes! Okay, so, my name is c00lkidd! I’m ten years old and I like tag and pizza! Do you have a favorite game or favorite food, mister Azurewrath?”

“No,” the hat responded curtly. C00lkidd frowned at this answer.

“That’s sad! It’s okay, you’ll probably figure that out soon, I think. Okay, c’mon, let’s go see everyone!” Azure growled in irritation and alarm as c00lkidd snatched his wrist, having no time to protest the contact before he was dragged along down the hall and toward the other rooms of the shoddy cabin.

The cast of characters which c00lkidd introduced Azure to was relatively small, but diverse nonetheless. First he pointed out of a window to a nearby body of water, barely visible through the darkness and trees, where a large, imposing man named Jason stood. C00lkidd told Azure that Jason was unable to talk (“Just like you! At least you have that hat?”), but he was really nice and would watch him when other people were busy. They also spotted Guest 666 outside, a massive behemoth of a beast who was currently tearing some poor unsuspecting tree to shreds, roaring all the while. C00lkidd whispered that Guest 666 was upset about someone he saw recently, as if afraid he might be overheard.

Within the cabin itself, their first stop was John Doe’s bedroom, the man occupying which was severely corruption-ridden and simply stared at Azure when c00lkidd introduced him. “Mister Doe doesn’t talk much either, but I promise he’s nice,” c00lkidd whispered. “Sometimes he wrestles with me. The corruption tickles!” (Azure’s hat scoffed at this.)

Next was Mafioso, who was in a small library nook upstairs which was notably filled with dozens of copies of the same book: Lord of the Flies. He sat in an uncomfortable-looking recliner with one leg crossed over his lap and a linked sword laying over it. He appeared to be cleaning blood from its surface, paying painstaking attention to every inch of the blade.

“Mister Mafioso, this is Azurewrath!” c00lkidd announced with a huge, boyish grin.

“That’s nice, bub,” Mafioso mumbled without so much as looking up.

Lastly, there was Noli, who c00lkidd and Azure found downstairs in the cabin’s kitchen, staring into the fridge and grumbling to himself about there not being anything in it. When he looked up and saw the pair approaching him, he looked less than pleased… particularly regarding the child.

“What do you want?” he asked c00lkidd slowly.

“Just to show you to the new person, Noli,” c00lkidd responded, almost sheepishly. “Um… Noli, this is Azurewrath. Azurewrath, this is Noli. You may have heard of him.”

“We have not,” Azure’s hat responded, both it and its host staring at Noli. Noli stared right back at them. 

“That’s… fairly surprising, actually,” Noli sighed, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “Don’t worry about it. Who any of us were before we got here isn’t important anymore.”

“Speaking of here, do you care to explain what’s going on? The child certainly hasn’t,” Azure’s hat grumbled. C00lkidd stomped his foot, shaking the contents of the kitchen cabinets and prompting Noli to bare his teeth and step back. “I was getting to it!” c00lkidd huffed; a scathing glare from Azure quickly quieted him.

“Yes, I can try,” Noli answered finally. “Come to the living room, you’ll probably want to sit down for this.”

 

Azure’s head spun with all of the new information. As Noli spoke, Azure struggled to keep track of the details underneath the weight of the bigger picture—eternal damnation, killing game, ever-repeating cycle… He wanted to cry, but found himself unable, his unwelcome anger overpowering the sorrow within. He’d been tricked into this, and there was no guarantee that Two Time was here at all. It wasn’t as if he could ask.

“You alright? You look dizzy,” Noli asked softly. “We are fine,” the hat replied far too quickly, far too snappily. Noli rolled his eyes. “Well… I think that’s all you need to know. Sorry it turned out like this.” He paused to glance back at c00lkidd, who stood behind the couch Noli sat on, repeatedly starting over as he tried to count on his fingers whilst muttering to himself. “What are you doing?”

“Um… I think I may have forgotten to introduce mister Azurewrath to someone, but I don’t know who,” c00lkidd muttered sheepishly. Noli squinted at him.

“You went to John’s room?” C00lkidd nodded in reply. “You visited Mafioso in the library?” Another nod. “Showed him the lake?”

“He saw Jason and Guest 666 when we looked outside,” c00lkidd responded. “And after he met Mafioso we came down and he met you.” Noli considered this for a moment, then gave a half-scoff, half-laugh when a realization seemed to strike him. “C00lkidd, only one of us isn’t here right now. Don’t you remember who’s in a match right now?”

“Oh! Mister 1x!” c00lkidd gasped. Azure squinted over at the child and Noli. “Who?” the hat sighed. Noli’s eyes widened at this question.

“You don’t know that one either? What kind of rock did you live under?” Noli chuckled. “...Eh, don’t answer that. 1x1x1x1… They call him the creation of hatred, the embodiment of malice—or just a giant pain in the ass.” C00lkidd gasped and punched Noli in the shoulder. “It’s true! Nothing good comes from that thing. All that follows him is destruction and death, and he doesn’t even have the decency to be fun to talk to!” Noli looked away from c00lkidd to make dead eye contact with Azure, leaning closer to him for emphasis. “Stay away from him. You’ll be sorry if you don’t, I promise you that.”

Then, the door creaked open. All three of the people sitting in the cabin’s living room immediately went rigid, their gazes snapping over to the source of the noise. A suffocating silence filled the room.

1x1x1x1 stood tall in the doorway, an almost regal air about it… even as blood dripped off of its thick, dark cloak, gauntlets, and greaves, pooling atop of old stains of similar nature which already adorned the floor. Streams of crimson followed the contours of his body, rolling over every pronounced muscle visible underneath the cloak. It stained his black skin and augmented the glow of his neon green torso, the translucent confines of which held a black ribcage. It held one sword in each hand, its grip steady and steely; each blade was adorned with nondescript pieces of flesh which made Azure’s stomach turn simply to look at, but seemed to have no effect on 1x1x1x1.

His long white hair swished hypnotically behind him, held in a high ponytail and cascading down his back, as he took one slow, deliberate step into the cabin and closed the door behind itself. The room was quickly flooded with the metallic scent, below which there was a hint of rot. 1x1x1x1’s sanguine gaze scanned the room slowly, locking on Azure for several long moments before settling finally upon Noli, still stiff as a board and having not moved an inch.

“You were saying?” 1x1x1x1 gibed lowly.

Notes:

Just wanted to note that I don't bite and I love receiving comments, so if you have something you'd like to say please don't be shy! Let's chat :) (if ya want)
Also, random side note: I found this hard to explain this in the tags, but Azure being unable to speak is going to be resolved somewhat quickly, so if that bothers you then rest assured that it won't be like that for long. I plan for it to be resolved by the next chapter lol

Upd 8/29: Sorry that I haven't been updating this, I'm very busy! School started and I'm directing a theater production so I don't have a lot of free time or willpower atm :') I do plan on continuing this though! Stay tuned...