Chapter 1: My Love, Your Ashes Are Living
Chapter Text
Halt didn’t know if he should curse or thank the sun for providing such a clear sky. On a day like this, it felt inherently wrong and simultaneously perfectly right for the light filtering through the treetops to warmly kiss his cheeks and paint the leaves on the ground a bright golden hue. The reminder that the world would always keep spinning, no matter how still his stood, felt both cruel and comforting.
Leaves crunched underneath his boots, birds sang their early morning song, and a soft wind danced between the trees. When he arrived at the clearing, it welcomed him with flowers in full bloom, insects buzzing happily from one to the next. Today, the forest lived, as if it wanted to make up for the ashes scattered on that little field. A few months ago, Halt would have hated the forest for living when his first friend, his best friend, the love of his life, didn’t.
Today, he greeted it like an old friend. It was one of Crowley’s favourite places, and he would have loved to see it so filled with life.
Halt had initially planned to sit down in the middle of the clearing, but it didn’t feel right to disturb the flowers thriving there. He chose an old tree on the side instead and relaxed against the trunk. Crowley’s golden oak leaf lied in the palm of his hand, the weight of his own resting comfortably on his chest. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the tree, memories of Crowley slowly seeping in like the sunlight through the leaves above.
They had held their wedding ceremony on this clearing. Not the official one that had bound Halt and Pauline together for the sake of satisfying the public, but the real one. The one only their closest friends and family were invited to. The one that would, could, never translate on paper, but was more real to them than any official document would ever be, and the one that Duncan had agreed to officiate anyway. The one that Halt would remember as the happiest day of his life. The one the three of them had dreamed of for so long, and had finally come true. It was here and then that they had promised it would always be them, during the good and the bad, when they were close by and far apart, with every step in life, always together. Even when they were separated across the living and the death.
It was on this clearing the three of them had danced as if morning would never come. Crowley, drunk on happiness and love, had spun Pauline around in the air at least seven times that night. Halt had shared more kissed with them than they could count. Both of his apprentices danced with him, even if they had insisted only a couple of hours before that they didn’t dance.
Crowley and Pauline both looked heavenly that day, and both so unbelievably happy. Pauline’s simple yet elegant blue dress complimented her sparkling grey eyes perfectly, and a crown of flowers made by Crowley adorned her sun-kissed hair. A matching one had graced Halt’s salt and pepper hair, which had for once been cut by an actual barber, and Crowley proudly wore one too. His bright red hair glowed in the sunlight, and his eyes were lit alight by a blazing fire, one that hadn’t dimmed since.
Halt couldn’t quite remember if he had braided Crowley’s hair for their wedding or not, but he found that he didn’t really minded that much. It had been a happy day and a happy memory, and that was all that mattered to him.
Pauline and Crowley had proposed to him on this very clearing. They had kept it simple, just the three of them, a picnic prepared by Jenny and Master Chubb, a sunny day like today, and three matching wedding bands. Halt had been hesitant at first, scared that Duncan wouldn’t approve since the law technically didn’t allow more than two people to marry each other, only to be relieved when Pauline told him she had already consulted the king and that he would be happy to officiate, even when the law told him he wasn’t allowed to.
Crowley made flower crowns that day, a little something he loved doing. It was then that Halt had asked him for the first time how he made them, and he carefully followed along with every step until he could proudly place the flowers on Crowley’s head. Halt couldn’t quite remember the colour of the flowers he had chosen, but it was such a small detail that he didn’t really mind. The only thing that mattered was the memory of the happiness he had felt.
Halt felt something land on his knee, and when he opened his eyes, he saw a small monarch butterfly peacefully resting on him. Its wings reminded him of Crowley’s hair, which had once blazed with that same bright orange colour. It stayed there for a little while, and then flew towards the clearing of flowers, unknowingly soaring over Crowley’s scattered ashes.
Chapter 2: My Love, I Shouldn't Have Kept You Locked Away
Chapter Text
Halt hadn’t opened the little wooden box in so long. He didn’t know why he had suddenly felt the urge to do so, nor why he had left it to catch dust underneath the bed for so many years. He couldn’t even recall exactly what he had put in there, apart from knowing that it had all belonged to Crowley. He struggled to fit the key in the lock, silently wishing he could control the way his muscles twitched and his hands were shaking, cursing them for being the reason he no longer could draw his bow, let alone shoot an arrow. At least he didn’t necessarily needed to hold the reins when he rode Abelard.
The box finally opened, revealing less contents than Halt had expected. The fletching of an arrow which he recognised as Crowley’s, a tiny book filled with dried flowers, a rather ordinary looking stone, and a letter, which he put aside to read later.
He took the stone between his finger and closely examined it, but there seemed to be nothing special about it. He couldn’t remember where it came from, or why he had put the stone in the box, and that frustrated him. He was certain there was something important about it, otherwise he wouldn’t have kept it with the rest of Crowley’s things. Hoping it might give him some hints, he picked up the letter while putting the stone back in the box. The date in the upper right corner read August 12, 668. The day before Crowley died.
Dear Gilan,
I hope this letter finds you well. Don’t you worry, I am not writing because something is wrong, but simply because I know how heavy the task of being commandant weighs on your shoulders, especially with how hectic everything has been the last days with this sudden uprising of groups of bandits wreaking havoc all around Araluen. Please know that if you need my help with anything, I’ll gladly take Cropper out for a ride and visit you at the castle. I assume Halt wouldn’t say no to visiting his former apprentice either. I think he misses you, to be honest. Maybe you should consider coming to Redmont more often, I think the change of environment and seeing your family more will do you good.
I am proud of you, Gil. Please remember that, no matter what happens, even if you make mistakes, I am proud of you. And I know Halt’s too.
With hopes to see you soon,
Crowley.
Halt didn’t even try to blink away the tears forming in his eyes. Crowley hadn’t even been able to send the letter. It had taken Halt a week to find the courage to show it to Gilan, who had then insisted Halt should keep it. ‘It’s his last letter after all,’ his former apprentice had said. ‘I think you should have it.’ So now it had been locked away in the box for so long that Halt had forgotten it was even in there. Now that he had read the letter again, he was happy Gilan had let him keep it.
One thing that did bug him was that the letter hadn’t given him an answer as to what that ordinary stone was doing between the other things in the box. The rest made sense to him. The letter was obvious. Each ranger had their own unique fletching, and the tiny book was filled with flowers preserved from flower crowns. But he didn’t have a single clue as to what that stone had to do with Crowley. He hoped he would get the memory back someday, but deep down he knew it was forever lost to him.
It wouldn’t have hurt so much if he hadn’t already lost so many of his memories of Crowley. The past few years, more and more had silently disappeared, and he only noticed they were gone when it was already far too late. Just like the story of the stone, they would never come back to him. The one he missed the most was the sound of Crowley’s laugh. He knew how that laugh had made him feel, how each and every time his chest would fill with warmth, and his day would get a little brighter. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember what it sounded like. He hated himself for daring to forget. How could he? How could he forget the man he had so deeply loved so easily?
Oh, how he wished he could hear that laugh one more time. If he could, he would never forget it anymore. But he shouldn’t have to. He shouldn’t have to hear it again, he should have it committed to memory, just like the feeling of Crowley’s hands in his, just like how it felt to brush his lips against Crowley’s, hold him in his arms, but it was all gone. Gone, forever, just like that, with no way to get it back and he hated it. Hated it more than anything else. He would tear the world apart just to get those memories back, to get his Crowley back.
‘Halt?’ Pauline entered the bedroom, and he immediately flung himself into her arms, tears streaming down his face. ‘What’s wrong my love?’
‘I keep forgetting him,’ he whispered. He didn’t need to explain, not to Pauline, who had known about the loss of his memories from the very start.
She hugged him tighter. ‘It’s not your fault.’
‘I know,’ he choked out. ‘But I just want to remember him.’
Pauline brushed a stray strand of hair out of his face. ‘Is there something I can help you with? A story you want me to recall?’ She eyed the wooden box and its contents on the bed.
After wiping the tears from his eyes, Halt nodded and picked up the stone he had discarded earlier, then gave it to Pauline. She looked at it confused. ‘Was that in the box?’
Halt frowned. ‘Yeah, it was.’ His newfound hope already started disappearing. ‘I couldn’t remember why it was in there, or what it meant to Crowley.’
Pauline rested her hand on his. ‘I’m sorry my love, but I don’t know either. It must be something you put in there, because I’ve never seen this stone before.’ She gently squeezed his hand. ‘I don’t think I can help you this time,’ she said, letting him lay his head on her shoulder. ‘I’m sorry.’
Chapter 3: My Love, I Want the Memories to Hurt
Chapter Text
They should be sleeping, but neither of them could, when Crowley’s absence was so painfully clear in the width of the bed, in the space they couldn’t occupy. Pauline’s eyes were filled with tears, but so were Halt’s. Interlocking their fingers on the pillow between them, they delivered a silent message. I’m here for you.
It’s strange, how grief works. Some days, remembering those who’ve been lost is a comforting thing. You’re laughing at something they used to do and think of how happy they were. Other days, you don’t want to remember. You’re haunted by what your life used to look like, when they were still a part of it. You’re wishing you couldn’t remember the sound of their laugh and the way they lit up a room so clearly, because you think it would hurt less if you didn’t, only to then realise how grateful you are you do have those memories, because at least you knew them, at least you had those years with them, at least you had the honour of knowing them. At least you can remember.
That’s what Pauline can’t help but think when she looks at Halt. The way his dark eyes cloud over is enough for her to tell that he’s thinking of Crowley, or at least trying to remember the parts of him he still can. It hurts her to see her love so utterly lost. Her heart aches for the way Halt doesn’t even have the possibility of going over his good memories with Crowley, because most of them are gone. It makes her all the more grateful for being able to remember him, as much as it can hurt sometimes. She’ll do everything she can to treasure her memories, not only for herself, but for Halt too. He relies on her remembering.
Halt used to take great pride in his good memory. The way he could remember names, dates and events after only hearing them once or twice had proven more than useful many times in the past. Now, those days were long gone, just like a lot of his memories. The ones he still had were often strangely clear, which didn’t make up for what he lost in the slightest, but he held on to them as tight as he could. He wouldn’t be able to handle forgetting what Crowley’s face looked like. Hair like fire, laugh lines around his eyes and mouth, a slightly hooked nose, hundreds of freckles all over his face, and eyes that twinkled harder than stars ever could. The rest of his body was long gone to Halt, the only thing left those two inches Crowley had on him.
When he tried to think of a happy moment he had once shared with Crowley, very little came up. He vaguely recalled a wedding filled with laughter and flower crowns, the sound of hooves clattering on the forest floor with Crowley’s presence lingering beside him, racing at a speed he and Abelard could no longer handle, and a picnic on the clearing with Pauline, but nothing else. Being awake for far longer than he should be definitely didn’t help, but he doubted he’d be able to recall much more in the morning without Pauline’s help.
He curled up closer to Pauline, letting her rub soothing circles on his back and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. He closed his eyes, hoping that he’d fall asleep to forget for a few hours that he couldn’t remember.
Chapter 4: My Love, Never Stop Haunting Me
Chapter Text
Someone knocked on the door. ‘Who’s that?’ Halt asked. ‘We’re not expecting any visitors today, are we?’
Pauline squeezed his shoulder as she got up from her chair to answer the door. ‘We are, honey. Gilan sent a letter earlier this week to say he was going to visit us today. You read it and then left it on the counter, I think.’
‘Oh.’ Halt’s face fell. ‘I must have forgotten I left it there. But don’t worry about it,’ he assured Pauline. ‘Let’s just open the door so Gilan can join us.’
Seeing his former apprentice brought the smile back to his face in no time. Gilan greeted him with a warm hug, and did the same for Pauline, who immediately asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee. ‘Is that even a question anymore?’ was his response, which earned a chuckle from Halt. Pauline smiled and retreated to the kitchen to give the two rangers some time alone.
Once he sat down on the couch, Gilan rested his head on his former mentor’s shoulder. ‘It’s good to see you,’ he whispered while taking Halt’s hand in his, trying not to notice the way it twitched harder than the last time he had seen him.
‘It’s good to see you too, Gil.’
‘How’re you doing?’
Halt shrugged slightly. ‘Not necessarily better or worse than the last time you saw me,’ he answered truthfully.
Gilan gently squeezed his hand. ‘If you want, I can ask Cassandra if she’ll allow me to stay here at Redmont, you know. I think she’ll understand.’
‘You don’t have to,’ Halt whispered back. ‘But I appreciate the offer.’
‘I know I don’t have to,’ Gilan said a little bit more insistent. ‘But that’s not the question I’m asking. Do you want me to?’
Halt sighed. ‘Yes, I— I want you to.’ He missed Gilan a lot. He didn’t regret moving to Redmont when Crowley retired, it was the fief where all three of them had felt most at home, but only being able to see his former apprentice every so often wasn’t easy. If Will wasn’t stationed at Redmont, Halt didn’t think he would have been able to stay here after Crowley’s death, but Will wasn’t his only apprentice.
Gilan smiled at him. ‘I’ll ask Cassandra as soon as I’m back. We’ll figure something out so that I can be at Redmont while also being available to her when she needs me.’
‘Thank you.’
‘No need to thank me.’ Gilan’s voice cracked a little. ‘I’m glad that I’ll be able to spend more time with you.’
‘Gil?’
Gilan set down his coffee to see a pained look in Halt’s eyes. ‘Halt?’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Halt’s voice shook a little. ‘But how old are you now?’ His hands were trembling, and Pauline took over his cup and set it down before it shattered on the floor. Gilan mustered a smile. ‘I’ll be turning forty-eight in a few weeks.’
‘Your birthday’s in a few weeks already?’ Halt’s voice was so unbelievably small, like he was scared he would be scolded for not being able to remember such simple things.
Gilan didn’t mind. He would rather have Halt ask the same question over and over again if it helped him remember, than being afraid to ask at all. ‘It’s on the second of October.’
Halt nodded, as if he told himself he would remember now. Gilan knew he wouldn’t be able to, but that’s what the calendar on the wall was for. ‘I’ll check on my way out if it’s marked on your calendar.’
It was time for Gilan to leave entirely too soon. ‘Why don’t you stay the night?’ Pauline asked him when he grabbed his cloak.
‘I would love to, but there’s a lot of work that needs to be done, and I really want to discuss moving fiefs with Cassandra as soon as possible. The earlier that’s done, the earlier I can move in next door,’ he smiled with a wink.
The way Gilan carried himself and joked around felt so familiar that Halt didn’t need to try at all to know who his apprentice reminded him of. Gilan hugged him goodbye and Halt thought to himself if this is what it had felt like to hug Crowley, to be held by him. He supposed that even if it hadn’t felt exactly the same, it would still compare. It was a comfort to know that he wasn’t alone in keeping Crowley’s memory alive. He was there in the way Gilan lit up a room, there in the way Pauline loved, and there in the way Halt tried his very best to remember him. He would continue to hold Crowley, with his blazing red hair and twinkling hazel eyes, as tightly as he could, even when his hands trembled and his muscles gave in, he would hold the love he held for him, and never let go. He might be losing his memories, but he wasn’t losing his love. That, he could never.
Chapter 5: My Love, Why You Too?
Chapter Text
Halt’s hands trembled while he scattered the ashes over the clearing, in the same place where he had scattered Crowley’s all those years ago. It comforted him to know that Pauline would finally be reunited with their love. Some part of Halt hoped he wouldn’t have to wait too long either.
It had come without a warning, Pauline’s sickness. They weren’t too worried at first, just a few days of rest and then she’d be fine. But she didn’t improve. The healers couldn’t quite figure out what was wrong, and none of their treatments seemed to have any effect. Pauline kept fighting, she wouldn’t give up so easily, but after several months of battling an invisible enemy, she had to sign defeat.
With Pauline laid to rest, Halt stood up, wiped the tears from his eyes, and joined Gilan and Will on the side of the clearing. Gilan hugged him, the usual spark in his eyes now extinguished. Will took his twitching hand, their fingers interlocking and passing a silent understanding. ‘Pauline will be happy to finally see Alyss again,’ Halt whispered.
A smile appeared on Will’s face. ‘Yeah, I think so too,’ he whispered back. ‘And she’ll see Crowley again.’
Halt nodded, a lump forming in his throat. He wished he could join them, wouldn’t have to try so hard to remember what Crowley looked like, because with them he’d never have to miss him anymore. He tries so hard to not forget, to hold on to his memories, but those of Crowley are almost completely gone. He could only remember loving him, and nothing more. He knew there was something special about his hair, and something special about his eyes, and something special about this clearing, but he couldn’t remember anymore.
He had tried so, so hard, but his hands were shaking, trembling, too much to bear, he couldn’t control them anymore, couldn’t hold on anymore, even Gilan and Will’s steadying hands on his shoulders didn’t stop his hands from failing him. He was failing him, Crowley was slipping out of reach, no matter how tight he held on. Pauline would soon follow, he could feel it in the way his hands trembled, in the way his mind blurred, in the way he couldn’t remember the sound of her laugh.
Chapter Text
Ranger Halt O’Carrick, legend to Araluen, hero to most, enemy to many, knew his time had come. Today, the corps would lose a highly respected ranger, Will a loving father, Gilan an older brother, Cassandra a beloved advisor and friend. Pritchard would finally be reunited with his son, and Crowley and Pauline with their love. In a way, today was both a day filled with grief and a day filled with joy.
Halt spend his final moments the way he always wished for. Surrounded by loved ones, in the cabin at Redmont, the one place where he felt most at home, and accepting of what was about to come. For someone who had lived a life constantly balancing on the line between life and death, he considered himself lucky to die in such a peaceful way. With Gilan holding his hand and Will the other, he closed his eyes and took his final breaths.
Two more presences lingered on the back of his mind. They came closer, their presence stronger. Pauline and Crowley stood before him, clearer than ever, Crowley’s hair like fire, his eyes twinkling, freckles dancing, Pauline’s elegant figure, stormy grey eyes, silk soft hair and warm smile. Their laugh in his ear, that sound he had missed so much, finally coming back to him.
His hands were no longer shaking, no longer trembling, his muscles strong. He held his lovers’ hands, their memories, and didn’t let go, even when he surrendered to the darkness, because in that darkness lay a promise. He had promised them he would never let go, and they had promised each other they would follow the others through life and through death, so he held on tight, his soul on his way home.
Halt died the same way Crowley did. His heart filled with love and a smile on his face.
Notes:
Thank you for reading! <3
caffeineinducedchild on Chapter 1 Wed 13 Aug 2025 03:30PM UTC
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YourShiningLight on Chapter 1 Wed 13 Aug 2025 08:03PM UTC
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YourShiningLight on Chapter 4 Wed 13 Aug 2025 08:10PM UTC
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YourShiningLight on Chapter 5 Wed 13 Aug 2025 08:13PM UTC
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