Chapter Text
I am running through the forest. It must be within the bounds of District Twelve but I’ve never seen this part before. I have no idea if it is close to the meadow, or close to Victor’s village. The only thing I know is that I have to keep running. I have to keep running or he will catch up. Or he will grab me and I will not be able to escape.
The branches of the trees feel like thin fingers against my arms and legs as I desperately try to swat them away. I don’t want them to grab me. I need to get away.
Until I suddenly find myself falling. The forest floor hitting me in the face while a branch of a tree scratches my face.
I immediately feel him on top of me. His hands grabbing at my legs, trying to find a way through the fabric. I try to fight him but he is too strong. That is when I start screaming and thrashing. That is when the blankets start to feel like they are trapping me.
Suddenly I hear my fathers voice trying to calm me down.
“It’s okay, Daisy. You are safe.” He softly tells me, gently putting his hands on my arms which makes me sit up straight right away.
“Dad?” I ask, feeling a little lost.
“It was just a nightmare, Daisy.” Dad says with a kind smile. “A very loud one, but still a part of your imagination.”
“It felt so real.” I mutter.
“What was it about?” Dad asks.
“The usual.” I reply, knowing that it isn’t the first time he has woken me up from a nightmare since Peeta left for the Capitol.
It has only been a week but my mind has been all over the place. I can’t stop thinking about what he is going through. I can’t stop thinking about how he is living a nightmare that he can’t escape. A nightmare that is forced on him or it might even get worse for him and the people around him. I am not even worried about myself, I am more worried that it would destroy Peeta if something were to happen because of him.
I keep watching footage from the Capitol, endlessly watching news coverages and talk shows to catch every glimpse of him that is out there. So far there hasn’t been much. I do notice that Finnick and him are currently the only victors in the Capitol. They are already reporting on how Finnick is acting like a big brother to Peeta and how the two beautiful young men are a match made in heaven.
Some of the reports discuss how much Peeta reminds them of a young Finnick but in a more mannered and reserved way. Finnick apparently was very outgoing and eccentric when he first started working and Peeta is more subdued. They are seen at the same venues and around the same people, which in Peeta’s case only have been women, or so it seems. They are probably building up to the first time he has to be with a male client and every day I am afraid that I see a news report that confirms it happened.
For right now Peeta doesn’t seem too affected although he might be hiding it and it can change when he does have to face an appointment with a man. I only know that I am dreading the moment that I am going to notice it in him.
It also makes me aware that I am totally unprepared for when he returns. I hardly have a clue how to react to him and how to be around him. I should have talked to Finnick about it more. I should have pestered him into telling me how to prepare because now I feel so incredibly lost.
How am I going to be what he needs when he gets back? How does anyone expect me to know what to do? To know how to handle any of this? I have no fucking idea what I am supposed to do and I don’t think Haymitch does either. He hasn’t been seen outside of his house ever since Peeta left, not that I have been outside a lot.
Quite frankly I have been avoiding most people. My parents are still here, but I haven’t seen the outside of our house or any of my friends. If I was Delly I would probably be worried. Yeah, I am not doing well I think but it’s just - The district feels so empty without him. Like there is a part missing that belongs there, making me acutely aware that we are lucky he returned at all. This could have been the permanent state of District Twelve. This could have been our reality and it is the reality for the friends and families of 23 kids across the country.
“I’m fine, dad. You can go back to sleep.” I tell him softly.
“You are not fine, Daisy. But that is okay for now.” Dad replies, acting exactly like I expect him to. “Go back to sleep, but we need to talk soon. If there is anything you need, I want to help. Alright?”
“Yeah, dad. I love you.”
“I love you too, Daisy. Sleep well.”
He places a soft kiss on my forehead before he helps me settle in again. As he closes the door behind him I still feel uneasy. My mind keeps wandering. They keep thinking about Peeta in the Capitol. What is he doing right now? What hell are they putting him through?
“How are you so incredibly handsome?” Mirabella says in her dainty Capitol accent. Her bright purple wig is slightly askew and the terrifying tattoos that are all over her breasts are making me nauseous.
“I don’t think I am that handsome.” I tell her, trying to stay humble. We are on the bed together in some kind of fancy hotel on the city circle. She is still completely naked while I am sitting on the edge of the bed trying to get dressed again.
“Oh no, baby boy, you are absolutely gorgeous with your beautiful curls and those deep blue eyes. For a moment I thought they had enhanced them during the games, but they are as stunning in real life.” Maribella tells me. “They might be even more stunning, just like the rest of you.”
“Thanks.” I mutter, not really sure what else to say while I check the locking mechanism of my prosthetic leg. It has come loose a couple of times during appointments and the first time that it happened I fell flat on my face when I wanted to get up. I don’t want that to happen again so I check it everytime they want me to keep it on. Some of them want it on so they are not confronted by the missing leg while others are not so keen on feeling the cold of the prosthetic against their skin and want it gone.
“I will call Crassus and tell him how lovely you have been.” Maribella tells me. “I’ll let him add me to your permanent schedule because I would love to share this bed with you again.”
“Thank you, that is so kind.” I tell her with a small smile while I stand up to lift my pants and get out of there.
“Can I have one last kiss before you go?”
“Sure.” I reply, leaning in to give her a gentle peck on her lips that she deepens into a full out game of tongue wrestling. It lasts nearly two minutes before she finally allows me to pull back and turn towards the door. She smacks my ass in the process before I am far enough on my way to the door so she can no longer touch me.
“Good night, handsome. Dream of me!”
I don’t say another word as I walk through the door, making a beeline for the elevator to get out of this place as soon as possible. I feverishly slam the buttons to get the door to close so it can take me back to our floor. So it can take me back to my shower and hopefully, Finnick, if he isn’t too busy.
It has been only a week. Only a week of working in the Capitol and it feels both familiar and like I am in a permanent nightmare. It is slightly more bearable because they haven’t paired me with a male client yet, but it is not like I am enjoying the female ones. I usually have two, sometimes three, a day and that has me absolutely exhausted. Finnick tries to be home for me when I get back, but sometimes our appointments don’t align and I am met with the silence of the floor. None of the other victors have arrived yet so it is really just us.
I remain silent during the short car ride back to the floor. I could have walked, really, but I haven’t been allowed to leave the car at any other place than my clients and my apartment. Finnick believes they will allow me more freedom in the future, but right now it is still pretty tight because they don’t have an idea yet about how I will react to all of this. Besides, going out there would draw a whole lot of attention that I am not ready for.
When the car stops, I get out and do the same thing I did getting in. Walking as fast as I can towards the door and the elevator to find the floor that is already a safe haven in this new and unfamiliar place. I have seen so much more of the Capitol than I wanted and it feels overwhelming at times. During the games it was easy because every minute of every day the choices were made for us. Others decided where we were and that was mostly the tribute center. Now there is so much more, both ugly and painfully beautiful.
When I arrive at the floor, I immediately notice the lights that are on in the main apartment that officially belongs to Cashmere and Gloss which means one of two things. One of the others has arrived or Finnick is already back and waiting for me. In either case, I won’t be alone, which I think is a good thing. Someone needs to keep me from hiding in a corner in my bathroom or I might never get out of it.
So instead of walking to my own apartment, I walk into the big one right opposite the elevator. I don’t even knock on the door, I just step through it to see who is there.
Finnick is on the couch, a big pot of tea on the table in front of him with two mugs right next to it. The first time I returned he had a whole array of drinks ready. Most of them contained way too much alcohol. But he quickly figured out that I wasn’t going to try any of them. I wasn’t going to turn into a second Haymitch just so I could dull the pain. So instead he sits there with tea everytime I return and he is there.
Finnick turns around at the sound of the door and I immediately notice he is checking me out. He is eyeing me up and down to see if there is anything he needs to take care of immediately. I don’t think he expected it with this appointment, but he is still wary that his expectation can change. Some of his regulars are trying me out so he knows them reasonably well.
“I am okay.” I mutter immediately to put him to ease. “I am weirdly getting used to it already, but -”
“You still feel dirty?”
“Yeah.” I reply, sitting down beside him while he leans forward to get us some tea. I take it from him before we sit in silence for a little while.
There is some kind of tension in Finnick that I can’t place. It reminds me of the tension of when I had my first appointment. He was relieved to hear that Madge and I had fixed the virginity problem and that I had enjoyed it, but he was still tense about this first time with a client. It went reasonably well and after it the tension got less and less. But now it is back and it is back in full force.
“What is it, Finnick?” I ask him eventually when I notice the tension is in all of his body. His hands are restless and his foot is shaking although he tries to hide it.
“The others are coming tomorrow.” He mutters. “Cashmere called me a couple of hours ago.”
“That is a good thing, right?”
“In itself, it is.” Finnick replies. “They are looking forward to meeting you.”
“But it is not in itself.” I state, reading between the lines.
“No, it’s not.” Finnick sighs. “Because Crassus called me only a few minutes after Cashmere.”
Crassus is the person who arranges everything that has to do with all of the victors. Most of the victors never even meet him or only a couple of times in their lives. But for us he is the person that arranges our clients and makes sure we keep in line. He was here when I first arrived by train, telling us that if I fucked up it would not only be my family that would pay, but Finnick would bare the consequences as well.
If he has called Finnick, it can only be because of one thing. Neither one of us fucked up, at least not massively. And if the others are getting here, it means there can only be one reason.
“So it is tomorrow?” I ask him. “My first male is tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” Finnick sighs. “And it won’t be gentle.”
“How do you know?”
“Because they want me to be there in case you freak out. They might even want me to join.”
“Fuck.” I mutter. “They will do that right away?”
“Yeah. They can do whatever they want and they will expect us to bear it. They are getting the others here which makes me guess they want to pair you off with them right after. Maybe seeing you in love with another tribute makes them wish for seeing you with other victors.”
“Is that a good or a bad thing?” I whisper, sounding so much more scared than I did a few hours ago.
“That depends.” Finnick sighs again, feeling a little lost. “It is a good thing because all of them know what you are dealing with and are able to act accordingly. But most of the time pairings with other victors aren’t exactly calm. Most of the time they want one victor to brutalize the other in a show of strength and considering you are not known for you strength -”
“- I would be the one on the bottom.”
“Yeah.”
I let it sink in for a moment. Knowing that tomorrow I will have to face my worst nightmare. Tomorrow I have to face the thing I have been dreading the most. Dealing with female clients is one thing, but I am still not sure if I can face dealing with a male. I am so scared that I will get a flashback to what Silt did. To how it made me feel. I am so scared that I will start screaming and that everything I am trying to protect is going to fall apart.
“What do you want to do, Peeta?” Finnick asks.
“In what way?”
“Well.” He replies with a heavy sigh. “I offered to help you with this and that offer still stands. I waited until you would ask me about it, but it seems like we’ve run out of time to take this at our own pace. Do you want to have sex with me before tomorrow?”
A panic settles in my chest. I know the right choice. I know that it is wise to take him up on his offer. But it has me about as panicked as the appointment tomorrow. I don’t want to have sex with him tonight, but it seems like there once again is no other option.
“I am scared, Finn.” I whisper. “I know what we need to do, but I am so freaking scared.”
“I know, Peeta, and no one can blame you for that. Everyone understands how scared you are. Cashmere told me that she hates the reason they are coming here, but that she is glad all of us are here to support you especially since I am a part of your appointment.”
“Why does that matter?”
“Because they might force me to rape you.” Finnick replies. “Hell, it might even feel like I am forcing you if you decide to be with me tonight. It could be that you won’t want to see me for a little while. I am glad that the others will be here for you if that is the way you feel about all of this. And before you start, it would be totally fine if that is what you feel. We’ve all been there. It will get better again.”
I look at the gentle young man beside me. The young man that has been a rock to me ever since he took me under his wing. He has been honest and direct when I needed it, never hiding the ugly truth and never sugar coating anything. He has been doing this for eight years. Eight years of being forced to have sex with whomever wanted him. He has seen and done horrible things that I don’t even know about and yet he is still kind and caring.
“How are we going to do this?” I finally ask him softly. “How do we start?”
Finnick swallows heavily once before he looks at me intently.
“Does showering with a male have a negative memory attached to it?”
“We don’t have showers in Twelve.” I reply. “He did bathe me in a tub every week, but I think I am okay with a shower.”
“Good.” Finnick says with a small smile before he reaches out his hand and helps me up from the couch. “Then let's start there and go slow. We’ll figure out how this is going to go along the way. But I need you to promise me one thing.”
“Keep communicating.” I reply, because that is what he has been telling me for weeks now.
“Keep communicating.”