daylight

by ap_nama

Chapter 1: I

Summary:

A story of love and loss. A story of hurt and comfort. A story of two boys who are so full of emotion, so full of light and love, that it overwhelms them. It overwhelms Katsuki. He must fight back his urges, his feelings for the boy he's known his whole life or else things might all fall apart...

They're going to fall apart.

Notes:

GUYSYSUYSYGS. omg im so excited to publish this story. I have so many high hopes for it and I really hope people like this one. read the tags to get an idea of the way this story is going to go down (and I will be editing the tags as I go along so if you care about that kinda stuff, make sure to keep an eye on them).

I don't have much to say here so read the end notes for more! and here is the playlist i've put together that I think matches the vibe. I hope you guys enjoy it and are prepared for this insane ride that im about to take you on <3

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4C9KNiTDdAGCQqanxb4rPj?si=9JJJdu3DSfSJk5ly8OO8tw

“We’re not quite lovers, so we tell everyone we’re just friends. It’s easier that way. We hang out alone. He’s met my friends. He calls me all the time...”

 

 

Katsuki Bakugo and Izuku Midoriya have always had a complicated relationship. At least that's what it seemed like to others. 

One moment they were the sweetest little boys you’d ever meet. Cuddling with each other, laughing at the stupid little games they created, sobbing when their parents said they couldn’t have yet another sleepover for the third night in a row. The next minute, they were arguing and shouting and shoving each other away. 

Katsuki has always been hot-headed. He was firm with having things go his way. He was a leader . He was here to show everyone that he was on top and that he would be able to do anything he put his mind to. 

Izuku was the same, in his own way. He was much quieter about it, that’s for sure. 

Perhaps that’s what made their relationship so complicated. They both wanted the same thing; to be strong and lead people to do great things, whatever that may be. But Izuku did it in a much simpler, nicer way. He wasn’t like Katsuki, shoving others around, making them do the things he wanted them to do. And most of the time, Izuku went along with whatever the blonde wanted. That way they could avoid arguments. 

Of course, it wasn’t always like this. The blonde had a soft spot for Izuku and he was sure that the other knew that. Katsuki could be quiet, sweet and loving. He decided he would only be that for Izuku, though. 

Why should he be all mushy and cuddly with anyone else when he had Izuku with him all the time? Izuku was perfect. Izuku was sweet, kind and soft. He deserved all the care in the world. 

But he was only a child. How was he supposed to control all of these feelings? This love and admiration for Izuku. This strength and power to be the greatest. 

He wanted both of them. He wanted to be the best, better than Izuku. But, at the same time, how was Izuku supposed to get any spotlight if Katsuki took it all? 

And that was why their relationship was so complicated for others. To look at their relationship on the outside, most people would think they were insane for sticking around each other. To have so many arguments throughout their life, to hate each other so much at certain points in time, to fight and insult each other as much as they did, and still end up coming back to each other in the end. It almost seemed fake .  

Of course, over the years as they aged and matured, they were able to stop fighting over dumb things all the time. They fought less and less until it was almost something that rarely happened.

When they were younger, it was easy to get mad about the smallest things, like a toy, for example. Being jealous that the other got something you wanted was normal for small children. 

It was almost inevitable for those types of things to happen. So, they learned to get past that. They learned that not everything was worth fighting over. This was another reason they were able to stick with each other for so long. Because as they continued to stay by each other's side, they grew together and learned how to be better for each other. That was the only way things could work out.  

Deep down inside, the two both knew that they cared deeply for the other. No matter what other people thought, they didn’t see the relationship for what it truly was. It was something they both relied on. They needed each other, it seemed. They cared for each other so deeply that all the hurt inflicted on each other throughout the years seemed like it would be okay.

It wasn’t. It was never okay. No matter how much you made up and apologized, no matter how much you promised you would never do it again and that you would be a better person from here, it was never right to hurt someone the way that they hurt each other. 

But that’s another story for another day. 

 

-

 

“Come on ‘Zuku!” Katsuki shouts as they make their way through the small patch of forest they were exploring. 

The blonde was a short distance ahead of the other, grinning wide as he took in the beautiful greenery around him. Almost as beautiful as the flush green forest that sat on Izuku’s head and the pretty emeralds that were stationed front and center in his eyes. 

“Wai… Wait… up…!” Izuku called, seemingly out of breath. “Kacchan, you’re going too– ACK!” Katsuki spins around, confused why the other suddenly stopped talking.

Izuku wasn’t there. 

Katsuki begins to panic. The boy was barely 10 feet behind him, what could’ve happened? And he was just speaking clearly to Katsuki, albeit out of breath. Sure, Katsuki could’ve slowed down and walked at a pace Izuku was more fit for, but the boy always ended up catching up to him in the end. 

“‘Zuku?!” He calls, tracing his steps back to where the boy just was. He heard rustling coming from somewhere in front of him so he decided to follow it. Whatever happened to Izuku, he couldn’t have gone far. 

Just as he was about to take another step, he stops himself, realizing he almost fell into a pit about 6 feet deep. 

The same pit that Izuku had clearly fallen into. 

Katsuki stands back as he rests his hands on his hips, staring disappointingly down at the small green-eyed boy. 

“Uh, Kacchan…?” Izuku calls, rubbing his hands together as he looks from Katsuki to around him in the small pit. “I… I fell…”

Katsuki face-palms. “Really?” He asks sarcastically. “And here I was thinking you magically floated down into this hole!” He waves his hands around at the forest and then down at the small, trapped Izuku. 

“ Kaaaachaaaannnn .” Izuku whines, placing his hands on the dirt wall in front of him, pouting. “I didn’t mean to!! You were just walking so fast… and then I couldn’t keep up with you so I tried to catch up but then out of nowhere the floor was all weird and stuff and then I realized it was because there was no floor! And then BAM! I was down here and then I was a little scared that you weren’t going to notice or…” His eyes began to tear up and Katsuki was not having it. “...Or that you wouldn’t care because I was being too slow or– or, hey– Wait! What are you– Kacchan –?!” 

Katsuki interrupted Izuku's nervous rambling by sliding down one of the dirt walls and into the pit with Izuku. If they planned on getting out of this pit and back to exploring, Katsuki couldn’t just let Izuku talk his ear off until dark. 

“Kacchan! Now how are we supposed to get out?!” 

“Come on, ‘Zuku. Climb on my back.” Katsuki replies, ignoring his question. He wanted to get out of here and continue exploring before Izuku became too nervous to do so. 

“W–What?? But what if–”

“Just do it!” Katsuki demanded, raising his voice. “Come on, I’ll throw you out of here.” 

Izuku bit his lip, unsure of whether he should trust the blonde, which, quite frankly, was rude because didn’t he know that Katsuki could do it? Didn’t he know that Katsuki could save Izuku from this little situation and they could continue having fun? That’s what he was here for! Katsuki was here to protect Izuku and make sure he had lots of fun. Izuku should know that. 

“Don’t you… trust me?” Katsuki asked, hating how vulnerable he sounded right now. 

He was supposed to stay strong for Izuku so that he could prove he would get them out of this. But he was just a kid, right? He was just a kid who cared for his best friend more than he cared for himself. He needed to know that Izuku trusted him. Because then, if Izuku didn’t trust Katsuki to be strong enough for them, then what was the point in being strong at all? What was the point in being strong if you couldn’t be strong for the one person that meant everything to you? The one person that needed you to be strong. 

Somehow seeing Katsuki’s hesitation and vulnerability, Izuku stood up straighter, closing his fists and trying to put on his strongest face for the blonde. 

“O–Okay… Kacchan. I trust you.” He gently put a hand on Katsuki’s shoulder as the blonde shook away his dumb thoughts and braced himself for the weight of Izuku. 

They were both small and didn’t weigh that much. But Katsuki was not much bigger than Izuku, meaning the weight was still a little hard to bear. They had to work together if they were going to pull this off. 

As soon as Izuku climbed onto his back, Katsuki bent his knees, getting close to the floor. “Okay, now as soon as I push up with my knees, you need to jump off my shoulders and grab onto the outside of the pit, okay?”

Izuku nodded, positioning himself on Katsuki’s back with his feet in Katsuki’s hands. This way, when Katsuki pushed himself up, he could launch Izuku off of his hands and out in one swift movement. 

“Alright, 3… 2…” Without getting to 1, Katsuki pushed up with his knees as hard as he could, hopefully sending Izuku high enough to where he could pull himself out. 

However, Izuku slipped on the leaves and dirt outside of the pit when he desperately tried to grab ahold of something and fell right back down. He landed with a heavy ‘ THUD’ onto the dirt in front of Katsuki. 

“ Owww .” Izuku whimpered, clutching his knee and squeezing his eyes shut. 

Katsuki’s heart almost stopped, his eyes open wide as a wave of concern swept through him. “‘Zuku!” He said, kneeling down to the boy in front of him. Katsuki pulled him into his arms, trying to get a look at Izuku’s face. “Are you okay? What hurts? Is it bad?” He gently shook him, trying to get Izuku to talk. 

Izuku buried his face into Katsuki’s chest, gripping onto the fabric of his shirt for dear life. He could tell the boy was crying from the way his shoulders shook and the way he sniffed silently into Katsuki’s arms. “I’m s–sorry, Kacchan…” He whimpered, his voice coming out in hiccups. “I c–couldn’t do i–it…”

Katsuki bit his lip, burying his face into the crook of Izuku’s neck. “H–Hey…! Come on now. It was my fault, yeah? I wasn’t… strong enough. I couldn’t give you a big enough push… ‘Zuku, it’s not your fault, I promise.” He squeezed the smaller boy in his arms, fighting back his own tears. “We’re going to try again, okay? This time I’ll… I’ll be better! I’ll get you up there, okay?” He pulled back, looking at Izuku's tear-streaked face. He wiped away those useless tears and put on his best grin.

Izuku swallowed a few more times, wiping his own face. He sniffled before nodding at Katsuki. His breathing was still a little ragged for a moment, but Izuku was always quick to pull himself together. 

Katsuki stood back up, ready for Izuku. “Come on, we got this.” He tried to hype up the boy, showing that he was completely confident they would get it this time. 

And they did. 

Katsuki pushed up with his knees, using all the strength he could muster and Izuku was able to get a hand onto the opening of the pit and pull himself out. Afterwards, Katsuki was able to climb his way out, digging small holes in the walls and using each side to shimmy his way out. The two continued on with their adventure of the forest that they’ve already explored at least a thousand times. Izuku made sure to stick close to Katsuki, watching the ground intently. He thought this was a little silly but decided it wasn't worth mentioning to Izuku. He wanted the boy to feel safe.

Katsuki would continue being strong for the both of them, getting them out of tough situations like that, always staying confident that they could get out of it together. Izuku would continue to try and act the same. Katsuki knew Izuku was strong and that he would do anything for the blonde if it came down to it. Although he may seem weak and shy most of the time, he was capable of so much. Katsuki could count on him. 

They could count on each other. 

 

-

 

Middle School:

Izuku and Katsuki were inseparable. No one could pull them apart. Except their parents of course, when it was finally time to return to their own homes. They were still able to find ways to communicate with each other, even if they weren’t in the same vicinity. Whether it was by calling, texting, video games, or even sneaking out (which they learned very early on was something super simple to do). 

The two boys had been sneaking out to be with each other since the beginning of middle school. 

It might seem unhealthy, the amount of time they spend together, but it wasn’t a problem for them. They’re parents thought it’d be good for them to find some sort of change in the relationship. They should go out with other people. Meet new friends. Do something, anything different than what they normally do. 

Apparently to other people, hanging out with the same person constantly for your whole life didn’t seem super eventful. It seemed draining and boring. Doing the same thing over and over again would cause you to get bored. Which was normally the case. If you went at something for long enough, it would start to wear out and you’d want to find something new to do. 

But not Katsuki and Izuku. Their relationship was all that mattered. If they were bored, they would be bored together. If they wanted to do something, they would do it together. If one of them found a cool new game or area that they could hang out, they would see it together. It was almost a routine, the relationship they had. It was like if they weren’t spending time with each other, their schedules would get all mixed up and things wouldn’t go smoothly. 

People were idiots for thinking they needed to do anything different. 

And his mother was one of those idiots. 

“Maybe it’s time you and Izuku learn to hang out with other people, yeah?” Mitsuki, Katsuki’s mother, had brought up the topic to him during their dinner one night. 

Katsuki stopped mid-bite to give his mother a confused frown. “And why would I do that?” 

It seemed like something other-worldly to the blonde. Hang out with someone else that wasn’t Izuku? But how was he supposed to have any fun with someone else? He already knew what Izuku liked to do and Izuku already knew what he liked to do. Why disrupt this perfect flow that they had going on just to socialize with some extras he could easily speak to for a little while during class?

“Well…” His mother began, poking through her meal. “It’s just that, you two are getting older… and hanging out with the same person non-stop isn’t really benefiting you much, is it?” 

This conversation really made no sense to the blonde. “ Not benefiting” him? How was that true? All Izuku did was make his day better. All he did was brighten up Katsuki’s mood in a way that not even food could. So what was his mother trying to get at? 

The fact that he only hung out with Izuku? Because if so, then that was just silly. He knew plenty of people who had one best friend that they hung out with more than they hung out with others. Why was Katsuki’s situation any different?

“I’m not saying completely stop talking to each other, but maybe… just give it some thought? Y’know I care about you, Kats, no matter how harsh I may act sometimes. I don’t want you getting hurt.” His mother refused to look up from her bowl, as if whatever was in it was more interesting than the conversation they were having right now. 

He looked back at his mother with a scornful expression. As if Izuku would ever hurt him. Katsuki was the one more likely to hurt the wide-eyed boy due to his explosive attitude, although he’d never admit to it. Izuku was the kindest, sweetest, most loving person he knew. Why the hell would he ever get hurt by someone as soft as Izuku? 

If she wasn’t willing to give him a good explanation as to why he should stop spending so much time with Izuku, then he wasn’t going to listen. “Izuku is my best friend.” Katsuki stated, plain and simple. “I don’t see why I have to stop hanging out with someone that makes me so happy.” He swished around the contents of his dinner for a minute before throwing his utensil in the bowl and getting up. “And he’d never hurt me.”

“Katsuki, wait–” His mother tried as the blonde walked away from the table, emptying his dish into the sink. 

“And before you even say anything else, I do have other friends, for fucks sake.” He scowled at her, not caring about cursing in front of his mother. He never did anyways.

He ignored whatever she said after that. Katsuki was done having this pointless conversation with his mother. The conversation that wouldn’t seem to leave him alone these days. All he could think about was how stupid and absurd it sounded. 

When he was done with the dishes, he walked up to his room, shutting the door with more force than necessary. He flopped onto his bed and opened his phone. His face brightened up at the sight of a new text from the boy his mother had just been talking about. 

Tch. Spend less time with him, my ass . 

 

Zuku :) : Did you ever ask your parents if we could have that sleepover this weekend?!

 

Katsuki swiped up on his phone and replied to the other boy’s text, smiling the whole time. 

 

Katsuki: nah, not yet. but you already know what theyll say. 

 

It took Izuku a moment to reply back, but Katsuki kept his phone on until he saw the icon that told him Izuku read his message. 

 

Zuku :) : Hmm, okay!

Zuku :) : Goodnight, Kacchan! I’ll see you at school tomorrow :p

 

Katsuki: night, nerd.

 

He waited a few moments before he debated on sending one last text. It always felt like he was doing more than he needed to please Izuku, but Katsuki also felt it was necessary. Although he wasn’t as gentle as he wished he could be around Izuku, he made up for most of his harsh attitude with other actions. Actions do speak louder than words, right? 

Over time, Katsuki grew familiar with this, learning from his mistakes. 

Normally he’d stay up a while longer after dinner and play video games with Izuku. However, since the other made it obvious he was going to sleep, Katsuki felt no need to stay up and play games that were only fun when he had the company of Izuku. 

He smiled up at his phone that he was holding above his head, typing in a few more words to show his appreciation of the boy he got to call his best friend. Placing his phone down near his head, he turned towards the wall and closed his eyes. 

Katsuki: Sleep good :)

 

At school they were no different. They clung to each other like skin on bone, literally. 

Katsuki and Izuku didn’t have many classes together but that didn’t stop the blonde from getting out of his a little earlier just so he could meet up with Izuku right when he was dismissed. 

Izuku would walk out of his class, hand gripping his high-lifted backpack like he was still in elementary school. Katsuki watched it all as he leaned against the stone walls, shaking his head every time he saw the amusing scene. He’d wrap his arm around Izuku’s shoulders as they walked down the hall. 

It was an instinct at this point. They’d gone to the same school their whole lives, and now as they were in 8th grade, they were growing and maturing. Katsuki had a couple good inches on Izuku which made it easy for the boy to comfortably rest his arm over the other’s shoulders. 

“Why do you always laugh at me like that when I come out of class?” Izuku asked one day, clearly noticing Katsuki’s amusement.

“‘Cause. You’re a sight to see, Izuku Midoriya.” 

Izuku scrunched up his face at this, clearly not satisfied with that answer. “And what’s that supposed to mean?! Do I look dumb or something??” Izuku flared his arms around in front of him. 

Katsuki couldn’t help but chuckle lightly to himself, enjoying the boy's half-hearted tantrum. Izuku looked far from dumb, but Katsuki was willing to play into his act for now. “I guess you could say that.” He leaned down and pinched Izuku’s nose, a smirk on his face

Izuku swatted his hand away, glaring at Katsuki. “Psh, whatever.” 

They both had the next period together so that was one of the main reasons Katsuki would wait for the boy outside of his class. 

As they were walking through the busy halls, someone accidentally bumped into Izuku, shoving them both since Katsuki still had his arm around the shorter one. It was expected seeing as the halls were quite busy when students were transferring to their next class. However, it still never ceased to piss him off.

“Ah– Sorry!” The girl said in a rush. Katsuki only saw her face for a moment as she quickly turned around to apologize before she rushed down the hall. 

He glared at the figure of the girl slowly fading behind all of the other students. “The fuck is she in such a hurry for. School is not that important.” Katsuki scoffed, adjusting his backpack with his free hand. 

“Hey, she said sorry.” Izuku offered, biting his lip. He knew the greenette always did that when he had more to say but wasn’t sure if he should verbalize it. “And she’s nice. Her name’s Ochako Uraraka. I have her in first period…” 

That was all Izuku had said but already he knew he didn’t like the girl. For some dumb reason he was sure, but that didn’t change how he felt. It wasn’t like he was jealous that someone else knew Izuku or that they got to spend time with him just like Katsuki did, but it was the fact that Izuku didn’t seem to care that she bumped into them. Like he was perfectly fine with it just because most of the time the girl was “nice” to him. 

And who the fuck cared if she was nice? No one was allowed to treat Izuku like that. No one but Katsuki. He could shove the nerd and apologize and it would be fine. Izuku knew he was truly sorry whenever he hurt him and that's what was okay. 

So why the hell did this extra think she could do the same? Why did she think that being all sweet and kind was going to get her out of everything? Shit, he didn’t even know the fucker and he wanted to bash her brains in just because she seemed nice to Izuku. His Izuku. 

Okay, maybe he was a little jealous. 

“Tch.” Katsuki let out an annoyed breath of air, choosing to not say anything further. He was just being a weird teenager. 

They walked down the halls to the next class and when they arrived, they took their seats. They sat on almost the opposite ends of the room but Katsuki was okay with it. Because from here in the back, he could see Izuku’s wild curls perfectly. He could make sure the boy was doing his work and not stressing himself out too much. 

Katsuki caught himself before he started smiling randomly like a fool. After all, Mina was the one sitting next to him and he knew that the girl never let anything go unnoticed. 

The bell rang, signalling class was starting. Katsuki took his time to get out his needed utensils for the time being. 

“So, Kats . You and Midoriya are pretty close.” Mina randomly brought up during the period. The class was mostly silent aside from the lecture their teacher was giving. She leaned into his personal space, whispering uncomfortably close to his face. 

Katsuki slowly lifted his eyes from his paper, he narrowed them as he scowled at the girl. “The fuck?” He whispered back, confused. “Uh, yeah kinda . The shit head has been my best friend since before I can remember. You literally see us all the time!” He whisper–shouted the last bit. 

“Mmmmm.” She said, nodding, her voice sounding like she didn’t believe him. 

“What?! You want a fuckin’ paper that says it or some shit?” He said, careful not to raise his voice too high. 

“ Just your best friend?” She pressed, seeming more bold with this question. Mina watched the blonde out of the corner of her eye, as if she was scared he would jump her for asking such a question. 

He looked back at the girl, almost fully turned towards her in his seat. “What. The fuck . Are you trying to get at, you fucking raccoon.”

“Ahem…” A voice called from the front of the room. “Is there something you two would like to share with the class?” 

Katsuki stiffened as he heard their teacher call out to them. He looked up at the older man and shook his head, quickly returning to his paper. He then began talking again about whatever the hell he’d written on the board while Mina had been chatting nonsense into Katsuki’s ear. 

“I’m just saying…” Mina added on, quieter. “You can tell me if you’re ever feeling… different about the situation. I’m all for it.” Katsuki glared at the girl from the side of his eye and saw her give him a quick wink before returning to her paper. 

She was definitely on something, and it wasn’t drugs. It was something stronger. Way stronger, if that was even possible. Shit, maybe it was just her brain. He’d have to look up her symptoms later when he got home. Maybe he could help cure whatever disease she had that made her spout all kinds of nonsense all the time.

He’d heard of it before, though. It was a pretty tough one to fight and Katsuki almost felt bad for the girl. It was a shame such a friendly soul could have caught this god awful disease most people call Delusion . 

Fucking maniac. 

Katsuki was no different himself, though. He tried his hardest to ignore her words. There was no use stressing himself over some little girl's fantasy . Mina was known for looking too deep into other people's business. She was awfully nosy and Katsuki sometimes wasn’t sure how he’d become friends with her. 

Then he remembered it was sort of a package deal when it came to her and Ejiro. 

The spiky red-head had become friends with Katsuki before he even knew about Mina. Then, once they started to hang out more during school, Ejiro introduced the girl. 

He never explicitly stated that they were dating but Katsuki got the feeling they were. Or at least almost there. 

Those thoughts aside, there was just something about Mina’s words that always stuck with Katsuki. Like she was still there, talking into his ear, whispering little truths that not even he was aware of. Little truths that he didn’t want to be aware of. 

However, this time, he was pretty fucking aware of the truth. The truth about Izuku Midoriya. His best friend. 

As the blonde aged and matured and truly started to understand what feelings were, Katsuki knew what his friends were getting at. He knew what Mina was implying earlier. He’d be an idiot to try and deny the things he felt, the things that she mentioned. 

Fuck ever admitting them out loud or to the girl herself, but it was there. The hard, unimaginable truth was there, eating away at Katsuki since the very day he realized what that stupid truth was. 

He wasn’t exactly sure why or how the fuck this ever came to be. He was beyond confused about how he fell for such an idiot. 

Izuku was sweet, charming, and fucking gorgeous , but he was Izuku , if that made any sense. Katsuki was Katsuki and Izuku was Izuku. They didn’t match. They were complete opposites. It seemed almost impossible for a hot-head like Katsuki to catch feelings for such a sweetheart like Izuku. And there was no way this sweetheart could fall for such a jackass like Katsuki. He’d tried to convince himself of that since the day he figured out what he was truly feeling. 

“Tried” is the key word. But shit, Delusion was a real bitch sometimes. 

He wasn’t sure if Izuku felt the same or if he ever even at least thought about things like this. He knew Izuku didn’t think about these things, because he would’ve told the blonde by now, right? But then again, Izuku thought a lot. He had millions of things flowing through his head all the time that surely the thought crossed the boy's mind at least once or twice and he just didn’t feel it was necessary to verbalize. 

Maybe that was just Katsuki’s wishful thinking. 

Izuku did things that made Katsuki question whether he was the only one feeling this way or not. But they were so subtle and unintentional that Katsuki just guessed he was being too hopeful again. Izuku was kind and affectionate to everyone. He was closer to Katsuki so of course that made him a little more affectionate towards the blonde. 

Whatever it was that lingered in the pit of Katsuki’s stomach, he never let it affect their friendship. Katsuki was fine their whole lives and he would continue to be fine. He was perfectly fine with the relationship that they had and would do anything to preserve it. Nothing needed to change and he didn’t want it to change. 

Change was scary. Change was so unpredictable that it frightened Katsuki. 

He’d never admit it out loud, but that day his mother spoke to him about needing distance from Izuku, his heart almost shattered. Because was she right? Was he being too clingy? Was he wearing their friendship out? It seems like anyone would get bored of something if they did it for so long. But Katsuki never got bored of Izuku. He never got bored of their little adventures or hangouts or calls. He looked forward to it more and more each time. 

But was that how Izuku felt? Is this what his mother meant by “ I don't want you getting hurt ”? Was Izuku getting tired of Katsuki but just didn’t say anything because he didn’t want the blonde to get hurt? 

Sure, Katsuki could be a pain in the ass and real stubborn sometimes, but he always made up for it. If he hurt Izuku, he made sure to do something good that was ten times larger than whatever pain he put the boy through. And Izuku seemed to always come through, no matter what Katsuki had done. 

One time, when they were in sixth grade, the two had their first big fight. Katsuki was being an asshole, he will admit, but he made up for it and Izuku forgave him. It was all okay after that. 

At least for Katsuki it was. 

 

“Kacchan, can you stop it? It’s really not funny this time.” Izuku said, frowning as he looked up at the blonde. 

The two were outside hanging out at the small park they usually go to. Today the two had been throwing around a basketball, trying to kill time. Well, Katsuki was mainly the one shooting. Izuku usually just liked to watch. 

“Come on, ‘Zuku. Y’know I’m just playing.” He scoffed, shooting the ball at the basket. “You’re always so sensitive. No wonder your dad bailed.” He smirked, feeling like he got a good joke out of Izuku this time. 

Suddenly, the ball hitting the floor and the metal net rocking around were the only sounds on the outdoor court. 

“What… did you just… say?” Izuku said slowly, his eyes looking up in disbelief. 

Katsuki let out a nervous laugh. “Oh come on, it was just a joke. Don’t take everything so seriously.” He walked over to go pick up his ball, trying to brush off the whole situation. 

“No, don’t ‘ Come on’ me. You know what you’re saying.” Izuku stood up out of the shady spot he sat in before. “You’ve been holding that one in this whole time, haven’t you? Waiting for the right moment to use it, just like you use everyone else.”

Katsuki turned to Izuku, shocked. What the hell was Izuku trying to say right now? “Hah?!” He shouted, slowly walking over to him with the ball in his hands. There was no way Izuku was actually trying to start a fight right now. They were totally fine moments ago. Katsuki didn’t even do anything to provoke this! He made a simple joke and Izuku was just too sensitive to handle it. 

“Y–You heard me.” Izuku said, lifting his head. Katsuki could tell he was getting nervous now, probably regretting his decision to talk back.

“No, say it again. What the hell did you just say to me?” Katsuki said, closing their distance even more. He was about three feet from a trembling Izuku. 

“I–I said…” Izuku started, trying to calm his shaking. “You use people. You take everyone for granted. You think that just because you’re so good at everything, people will b-bow down to you. And that if you apologize for the things you do, it will be okay.” He gulped and Katsuki could see he was trying his hardest to not cry right now. “A–And then as soon as they don’t, as soon as someone doesn’t put up with y–your… your shit , you leave them. And then suddenly they’re the bad guy.”

Katsuki was shocked. He was actually starting to believe he was hearing things. But if Izuku wanted to fight right here, there was no way Katsuki was going to let him get the final hit in. He needed to make it hurt . He needed Izuku to hurt . He was good at this. He was good at hurting people with his words. Although he knew he would regret it later on, he would find a way to apologize to Izuku. 

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Izuku.” He knew the use of the boy’s full name would surely do some damage. “And maybe if you just stopped acting like you were too good for everyone, people wouldn’t leave you. You’d have actual friends. You’d be able to talk to other people, you’d be able to talk to your father who didn’t give two shits about you before.”

Izuku’s trembling worsened and Katsuki knew he hurt him. However, Izuku didn’t give up and it pissed Katsuki off even more. Just where the hell was he getting all this confidence from? 

“ Me?! I’m the one who acts too good for people?”

“You heard what I said. You’re always helping people out and being super friendly even to the ones who don’t deserve it. And then whenever someone offers you help, suddenly you’re ‘too good’ for that or you ‘don’t need anyone's help’. You think you can do everything yourself, but in reality, you can’t. And y’know what? I can’t stand that.”

Izuku seemed at a loss for words. Katsuki figured this was finally the end of their useless argument until the smaller boy decided it wasn’t. “You know what, screw you Kacchan. At least I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. At least I don’t hide my feelings. At least I’m honest with myself about how I feel.”

“Shut up.” Katsuki interrupted him.

Izuku ignored him and continued. “You think that by hiding all of your emotions, everything will be fine? You think that by acting cold to everyone, things will go so much smoother?”

“Shut up!” Katsuki ordered again.

Izuku stepped forward once, looking up deep into Katsuki’s eyes. “At least I’m not afraid to truly act how I feel.”

“ Fuck you.” Katsuki said, glaring down at him. “You don’t know shit. I have feelings. And at least I’m not a loner like you. All you do is stick around me. You don’t make any new friends at school. You keep to yourself thinking you’re better than everyone. Like you don’t need anything.” 

This was all so pointless. What the hell were they even arguing about? And how did it come to this? All Katsuki did was make one small joke and suddenly Izuku flipped. It was like he missed something. Like maybe he skipped a page in a book and suddenly everything was all wrong and chaotic and out of place. 

There was no way he was going to let Izuku make him the bad guy. Katsuki truly believed he did nothing wrong. 

And maybe that was the problem.

“You know, I’d rather be alone and quiet than act fake like you. At least I’m true to myself, Kacchan.”

“Tch, yeah right.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Y’know, people used to feel sorry for you. Until they realized that you’re just full of shit. Now they think you’re weird and pathetic…” He leaned down, his lips right next to Izuku’s ear.

“And a loser.”

 

That was the first and last time he’d ever called Izuku a loser. After the blonde apologized, he realized what he did was fucked up. Although he’s still confused about why the dad joke hit so deep, he promised to never say something like that again. 

And from then, they never really got into large arguments. Katsuki had tried to keep his cool and not lash out at Izuku like that day. They’ve been doing pretty good since then. 

If anything, they’ve gotten closer . Izuku calls Katsuki more frequently these days. Sometimes it's about school work. Sometimes it's about when they’re going to hang out next, or if they’re going to sneak out. 

Other times, the boy is just calling to hear Katsuki’s voice. Which sounds weird, but Katsuki loved it. He thought of it as a way for Izuku to make sure that they were still doing okay. That their friendship wasn’t going to shit or something like that. 

Maybe Izuku regretted saying all those things that day, too. Maybe he knew that the things he said had also affected Katsuki in a way he didn’t know was possible. Perhaps Izuku was also sorry just like the blonde and wanted to make sure nothing changed. 

He hoped that was the truth. He wanted–no, needed that to be the truth. He couldn’t have Izuku getting tired of him. If that was what was happening, Katsuki was sure he wouldn't make it. If he had no Izuku, he had no life. If he had no loud, weird, curly green-haired idiot by his side for the rest of his life, whether that be as a best friend or something more, Katsuki wasn't sure what he’d do. 

And above all else, his mother was wrong. Izuku would never hurt Katsuki. He knew this for a fact.

Notes:

Okay guys, make sure you pay attention to a lot of the things that were mentioned in this first chapter!! A lot of this is going to be brought up later on and I think it’s very significant. I really want this story to be a big one so I’m going to put a lot of effort into it. I’m going to take my time to write and edit and go over it all so that I can really make sure things make sense (don’t want to have things all over the place lol). I’m back in school so it might take a minute to write stuff but I’ll always publish it as soon as I have it and its ready. I’m not going to give anyone a perfect time where things will be published because I don’t want to have people waiting on me even if I’m not ready.

Anyways, thanks for reading and I’ll see you all in the next chapter. <3 And don’t forget to follow my Tiktok!!:

TikTok: ap_nama

Chapter 2: Love

Notes:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4C9KNiTDdAGCQqanxb4rPj?si=GryfzUJCQQ-mlH12Vd42Ug

“And sometimes, for a moment, I'll catch him looking at me with a little too much love in his eyes.” 

 

 

Freshman Year:

Green.

Everything good in life is always green. Money, vegetables, grass, trees, emeralds, eyes, eyelashes, eyebrows, hair– Soft, soft lips that look like they were formed from pure cotton candy. Pink, plush lips. Not green, but their owner was. Izuku was green. And Izuku was perfect. 

Everything good in life is green. The only thing good in life is green; Katsuki learned this fact very quickly. 

It’s great to have money. You need money to survive. Money buys you food, and houses, and clothes, and laughter, and fun. It’s great to eat your vegetables so you can grow big and strong and healthy. It’s great to go outside, breathe in the fresh air. Occasionally, the soothing scent of fresh cut grass wisps through your nose. Or the sight of trees blowing in the wind, their big strong leaves flowing gracefully as if there was nothing wrong with the world. Emeralds were shiny and precious and expensive . You could buy a pretty little ring or necklace with a shiny little emerald on it and treasure that piece of jewelry for the rest of your life. 

But why would Katsuki need any of that when he had Izuku. Izuku helped Katsuki survive. He helped him throughout the years of their life, stuck by his side all the way up until now. Izuku brought Katsuki joy and laughter no matter what. He brought him a form of happiness no money could ever afford. Izuku stayed by Katsuki’s side and watched him grow, helped him grow into a healthy and strong person. He steered Katsuki on the right track to becoming less of an asshole (although sometimes it was hard). Every time Katsuki was around Izuku, it was like he was breathing in a new, fresh breath of air. He didn’t need a lush green forest or fresh-cut grass to feel like he was living the best life. Katsuki didn’t need to buy expensive emeralds to bedazzle his clothing, he had a pair of them that he could stare at and cherish without having to wear them on his clothes. 

The point is, Katsuki didn’t need the luxury of money or food or forest or gems to feel alive. He needed Izuku. He didn’t need the boy to go all out for him. He didn’t need Izuku to treat him like he was the best. He didn’t need Izuku to look at Katsuki like he was his whole world. Katsuki was fine the way he was. He was fine silently worshiping Izuku. He didn’t need to show how much he cared for the boy anymore than he already did. The way things are now were perfectly fine. 

But what if things were different? Could they be different? Was Katsuki looking past everything that could be possible just because he didn’t want things to change? Was he overlooking something important that could change the way he lived for better ?

He knew Izuku cared about him. He knew Izuku loved him, in whatever way that may be. As a brother, a friend, and soulmate, a lover. Anything. Izuku loved him in some type of way and Katsuki would be satisfied with whatever it was. 

Because he loved Izuku, too. He loved him in whatever way he could. But he wanted to know. He wanted to know which way Izuku loved him . 

He convinced himself he was fine with whatever Izuku wanted… For the most part. 

But when Izuku gave him those looks . The looks that you’d never see if you weren’t the one receiving them. Those looks that you wouldn’t understand or feel if you weren’t the one on the other end. The looks that said more than words ever could. The small glances during class, the full faced smiles when they hung out with their friends, the quiet stares when they were alone at night on the roof of Katsuki’s house with nothing other than the clothes on their body, the skin on their bones, and the cool breeze of the evening keeping them from being one. 

Those looks were the things that convinced him to not give up. That maybe there was a little something more between them than he always thought. Maybe Izuku felt more and wanted more. Maybe Katsuki wasn’t so selfish for feeling like he could have all of Izuku even though he treated him like shit sometimes. Maybe Izuku liked it. Maybe Izuku didn’t care how Katsuki acted as long as it was him. 

He held onto this stupid hope as long as he could, grasping onto the damn thing like his life depended on it. Like if he were to let go, everything would come crashing down and everything he ever knew would all go to waste. 

 

-

 

“You guys coming to my party on Friday?” Ejiro announces to the group one morning, his right arm slung around Mina’s shoulders as the girl stares down at her phone. She was probably used to the clingyness of Ejiro by now, seeing as they both clearly had something going on. 

“Oh jeez, of course, Shitty-Hair. Obviously I’m going to your party that you definitely told us about before and didn’t just randomly bring up right now as if it was something we’d already discussed. Why’d you even bother asking, haha?!” Katsuki replies sarcastically, glaring at the red-head. 

“Great!” Ejiro slaps him in the shoulder, causing Katsuki to stumble a little bit. He went to swat at the other’s head but Ejiro ducked away just in time. 

“Who’s gonna be there?” Izuku chimed in, eyeing Ejiro. Katsuki watched Izuku’s facial expression, wondering why the boy seemed a little nervous all of a sudden. 

Ejiro saw this and tilted his head, thinking. “Well, not much more than usual. You guys– hopefully you can come this time, Midoriya– a couple other friends from the football team, uhh…” He scratched the back of his head. “Oh, and this new chick that I’ve been getting to know recently. We went to middle school with her.” Katsuki’s head kept moving back and forth from Ejiro to Izuku, keeping up with the conversation but choosing not to say anything. “Brown hair, round face, big eyes, kinda like yours–” he gestured to Izuku, “–and pretty sweet. I invited her.” 

Izuku’s eyes widened and his cheeks reddened. Katsuki didn’t usually mind the boy’s tendency to get flustered so easily. It was something natural for him and Katsuki had even grown a liking to it. At least when the circumstances were in his favor. And right now, he wasn’t feeling like they were. 

“Y–You mean Ochako…!?” He said a little too quickly and a little too eagerly. 

Ejiro looked even more confused/concerned/shocked at his sudden statement but Katsuki was sure no one noticed but himself. He was able to tell people's facial expressions quite well most of the time and he was grateful for it. “Yeah… Her. You know her?” 

Izuku nodded frantically, the mob of green hair on top of his head bouncing along with him. “Yes! She is super sweet. And nice and funny. I do like her quite a bit. Ohhh, I hope my mom lets me go this time!!”

Katsuki couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “You like her?” He sounded almost offended but he couldn’t help it. He tried to ignore the burning rage inside of his stomach but it was too much to contain this time. 

Izuku looked at Katsuki with confusion etched across his face, like he wasn’t sure why the blonde would ever ask such a thing. His bright mood suddenly dimmed as he answered Katsuki. “Y–Yeah…? I mean…” His eyes widened. “Oh! No, no. Not like that!” Izuku waved his hands in front of him hurriedly at Katsuki, his cheeks growing even redder. “W–What I meant was… I really like her… her personality! Yeah. I don’t… I don’t mean it like that , Kacchan. I’m sorry…” Izuku scratched the back of his head nervously. Katsuki narrowed his eyes at the boy before a small smirk played on his face. He ruffled Izuku’s hair. 

“Tch. You’re so easy.” He tried to hide the relief in his shoulders as Izuku smiled up at him and half-heartedly tried to remove Katsuki’s hand from his head. 

Katsuki finally took the hand away and turned back to his friends, only to see Ejiro had taken his arm from around Mina’s neck and the two were staring back at Katsuki with knowing looks he felt like burning to the ground. 

“You fucking got something to say?” He growled, glaring at the two. 

Mina looked to the side, pursing her lips as she very obviously tried to hold back a laugh. Ejiro just looked at Katsuki, his eye brows raised and an incredulous smile holding his features together. He scoffed before running a hand through his spiky red hair and clearing his throat. 

“Well, I’m glad you know Ochako so she won’t be a complete loner at the party.” Kirishima nodded towards Izuku just as the bell rang. 

Katsuki chose to not say anything further, not wanting to make things even more obvious than they already were. He was glad Izuku was usually oblivious to these sorts of things, or else he was sure the boy would’ve figured out Katsuki a long time ago. 

The two walked to their class and Katsuki was thankful they had the next period together. When they walked inside, they got into their arranged seats and sat down. Izuku was quick to take out his supplies as usual as Katsuki took his time. When they were finally settled down, Izuku turned to look at the blonde. 

“So…” he began, waiting for Katsuki to look back at him. 

“So.” Katsuki repeated. 

“How do you think the party’s gonna go?” Izuku continued, not paying any mind to Katsuki’s copying. 

The blonde shrugged, not really sure what Izuku wanted to know. “It’s nothing special. You think your mom is gonna let you go this time?”

Izuku nodded. “Yeah. My mom said that since we’re in High School, she trusts me more now.”

Katsuki took that information in, figuring it would be a good time to tease the boy. “Well, that’s good then. You get more freedom now to hangout with us more, stay out all night, party, talk shit… drink .” He smirked, looking at Izuku from the corner of his eye as he turned back in his chair, taking out a notebook. 

When he came back up from reaching into his back pack, the look on Izuku’s face was exactly what he’d been expecting. Priceless. 

“W– What ?!” He whisper-shouted, noticing the teacher had finally walked into the room. 

Katsuki tried to play dumb. “What, what? Shall I repeat myself? I said you get to have more fun with us. Is something wrong?”

Izuku blinked at Katsuki like he’d grown a second head. “ Kacchan . You know what . What do you mean you drink ? Does your mom know this?!” 

Katsuki’s face drooped, his eyes scrunching closed slightly as he frowned at Izuku. “Seriously? ‘Zuku are you five ? We’re in High School now, like you said. I’m a little more mature and obviously fucking not my mother doesn’t know.”

“Sure, we’re in High School. Yes, very much I’m aware of that. But you’re only fifteen ! Kacchan that’s not good for you!” 

“Tell me something I don’t know, Einstein.” He rolled his eyes, shocked he’s even having this conversation with his best friend . It was more like talking to a fucking babysitter . 

“Well then why do you do it?!” Izuku asked, still oblivious. Sometimes it felt like Katsuki was Izuku’s child, more than he was his best friend. 

“Uh, because I want to? It’s fun. You should try sometime…” He thought for a moment. Smiled. “You will try it. This Friday in fact.”

Izuku jerked his head back, offended that Katsuki would ever suggest such a thing. “Um, no? No I will not! And neither will you. I thought we were just supposed to go over there, hangout with a few friends and have a good time? Why does there have to be alcohol involved??”

Katsuki dragged a hand slowly down his face, pulling down the skin under his eyes in the process. “Holy fuck, Izuku. We’re not doing this right now.” He was trying to make a joke. A joke , for fucks sake. It’s not like the blonde was mad , he was just absolutely flabbergasted. Izuku could be such a child sometimes. He was lucky Katsuki had enough patience to deal with it. 

Most of the time. 

“Kacc–” Katsuki reached out and pinched both of Izuku’s lips in his fingers. The boy's eyes widened, blinking. Katsuki held Izuku’s two plush lips in his fingers, watching as they turned slightly red from the force. 

“Shut the hell up and write.” He removed his fingers and turned to his paper. He heard Izuku huff as he turned in his chair, both of them finally looking at the board where their teacher had scribbled down some notes for them to copy. 

No matter what Izuku had wanted to say, he didn’t care. 

So what he drank? Lots of people his age drink. Hell, some people have been drinking since the day they were born . And it’s not like Katsuki was some addict. It was just another way he liked to let off some steam. And he was going to show Izuku exactly that. No matter what happened this Friday, no matter how much Izuku tried to fight back and protest about how “bad” and “unhealthy” drinking was for them, Katsuki was going to get him to down some of the liquid one way or another. The blonde wasn’t going to let anything happen to him so what was the pain in a little drink? 

Izuku was going to have a great time and Katsuki would make sure of it. 

 

-

 

Friday finally rolled around and Katsuki could tell that Izuku was getting more and more nervous by the day. Katsuki was almost worried the boy would come up with some random excuse to not go to the party. And even if he did, Katsuki wouldn’t let it happen. He needed to show Izuku how much fun they had. He’d always miss Izuku when he’d come over to Ejiro’s house and hangout with them. He resented the caring, protecting side of Izuku’s mother for as long as he could remember. 

She was a wonderful woman and cared so much for her child, but she needed to let loose sometimes. She needed to stop being so paranoid. You could still care and want the best for your child even if you let them have their freedom. 

Katsuki wished his parents were like that. 

They sure as hell gave him his freedom, but everything else was so different compared to Izuku. It’s not like his parents didn’t care about him, it was just that they weren’t very… affectionate , you could say. Katsuki’s father was a bit too soft, and his mother was a bit too harsh. They provided for him all his life and gave him almost anything he wanted. But as the blonde grew, so did his attitude. He was aggressive and hated when things didn’t go his way. He cursed at his parents and ignored them and hated them for so long that they seemed to accept it. 

His mother lashed out at him when he did the same. They would shout at each other about the dumbest things and it all seemed normal. 

He had moments with his parents that weren’t as loud and aggressive but they were short. An awkward rustle of his hair, a quiet comment about his outfit. It was all so little that it was easy to overlook. 

And Katsuki had been getting better. He made a promise to himself when he started his freshman year that he would be better. He didn’t want to be so angry all the time. It wasn’t fun. He didn’t want to be so rude and selfish over things that meant nothing. 

It would take time, he knew this. And he still made comments here and there around his parents. He was still closed off about his emotions as he hated opening up to his parents. But these days, whenever he called his mother an “old hag” or his dad “old man”, it felt half-hearted. Like something that he only did out of habit now, instead of out of anger. 

His parents seemed to notice this and tried to give him more space. He was thankful. And maybe that’s why he had so much time to reflect. Because after a while they just began to give up. They didn’t ask Katsuki how his day was or how he was feeling about the upcoming school year anymore. They just let him come to them, if he wanted to. 

He enjoyed it most of the time. He was thankful they left him the fuck alone. He was thankful they knew he wasn’t going to talk about his feelings or thoughts or ideas. 

But sometimes… sometimes he wonders what it would’ve been like if things were different. If his parents treated him a little softer, if they disciplined him a little more–a little harsher. He wonders what it would’ve been like if they didn’t give him so much freedom and didn’t let him talk to them like they were less than him. 

He wonders, just for a second, what it would be like to be in Izuku’s shoes. 

And then he doesn't. Because he doesn’t want to. He was fine how he was right now and didn’t need things to be any different. Katsuki was a pretty amazing person, if you asked him. He was capable of so much. He had so much potential, and that wasn’t just his ego talking. He could be an asshole sometimes but he was getting better. 

Again, he just needed time. 

 

“Open up, you shit head!” Katsuki banged on Ejiro's large wooden door, the music from inside audible from out here. 

Standing next to him, Izuku nervously fidgeted with his fingers and chewed on his lip. It was only now that Katsuki began to realize how dry and worn-out Izuku’s lips had gotten this week. They were still pink and plush and beautiful , but Katsuki could tell Izuku had been stressed. 

And fuck , he should’ve never mentioned anything about drinking. He should’ve just waited until they were here and Izuku couldn’t get out of it. He never meant to put the boy through so much stress over something so simple. 

Katsuki gently pushed Izuku’s shoulder, getting the boy’s attention. “Relax. We’re here to have fun, remember?” He spoke, his voice softer than usual. Katsuki realized he’d been doing that more often these days. 

Izuku nodded in his direction, weakly making eye contact. “Yes–Right. Of course. I know, Kacchan.” He took a deep breath, shaking himself. 

Katsuki was about to say more just as the door swung open. “Welcome, party people!” Denki announced from the doorway, his arms wide as he gestured inside. 

Katsuki scoffed, stuffing a hand in his pocket as he plastered another hand on the boy's face, shoving Denki out of the way. The boy mumbled something into Katsuki’s palm but the blonde ignored him, scanning through the small crowd of people inside the house. He wasn’t looking for anyone in particular. 

That’s what he told himself. 

But when he spotted the round-faced, short-haired, wide-eyed brunette in the small crowd, Katsuki’s sudden rush of anger was intensified. He knew she was going to be here. Ejiro told them he’d invited her. Katsuki was there, right in front of the boy when he announced it, however he did everything in his power to convince himself he was hearing things.

Whatever. It was fine. Right? It would be fine? He wasn’t going to let some girl ruin his night. And he didn’t even have any reason to hate her! It was just his stupid mind and his stupid feelings that made him act this way. He was overreacting and he needed to stop. 

He was here to have a good time with his friends–with Izuku. 

Izuku . 

The blonde quickly turned around, feeling bad he completely forgot about the boy for a short second. He spotted Izuku still standing in the doorway, his fingers mindlessly wringing together with each other. Denki kept the door open, watching Izuku with an empathetic expression on his face. 

Katsuki walked a couple steps back to the door to stand in front of Izuku. He told Denki that he would hold the door for Izuku and close it when the boy was inside. 

“Come on, what are you waiting for?” Katsuki started, leaning on the tall wooden door as he watched Izuku scan the interior of the house with his brows pinched together. 

“K–Kacchan… I’m nervous.” Izuku answered.

The blonde scoffed. “For what, nerd? These are your friends too, y’know.”

Izuku finally met the blonde’s eyes. “Yeah… I know that. B–But I’ve never been to one of your guy’s parties…” He looked down at his feet, swaying back and forth on them one time. “And… And I don’t wanna make myself look like… a loser.” He said the last words so quietly that Katsuki had to lean closer and strain his ears to catch them. When he was able to register what Izuku had said, Katsuki leaned back again, looking away as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

Of course. 

Of course Izuku would be nervous because of something like that. Because of something Katsuki had told him. 

It was always the blonde’s fault. He put those stupid ideas in Izuku’s head that everyone had thought he was a loser before they got to know him. He told Izuku that everyone thought he was weird and a loner. 

And just the other day, he’d scared the boy by telling him they would be drinking at the party. Katsuki was the dumbest person on the fucking planet. He never knew the right words to say or the right time to say them. He always fucking ruined things when it came to Izuku. 

Why couldn’t he ever just get one thing right with this goddamn boy? What was it about Izuku that made Katsuki mess up all the time and on the worst possible things? He needed to change that. He really needed to change that because he couldn’t have Izuku walking on eggshells for the rest of his life just because of something the blonde said. 

“Gosh, you’re a real piece of work.” He said, trying to joke. It probably wasn’t the best way to put it, which he only realized after the words had already slipped off his tongue. 

Change . He was trying to change . 

The blonde reached out and grabbed Izuku’s arm, pulling the boy inside. If anything, Izuku was making a bad impression just standing in the doorway. Katsuki closed the door behind Izuku and dragged the boy along with him as he made his way to the kitchen. 

“K–Kacchan…! Let go of me!” Izuku weakly tried to loosen Katsuki’s grip but the blonde ignored him. 

Thankfully, Ejiro was in the kitchen like he’d expected, chatting away with some people along with Mina right beside him. The girl was the first to spot the two coming up. 

“You guys made it!!” She exclaimed, bounding her way over. She hugged Izuku tight around the neck. 

Even though she knew how it would play out, she still tried to hug Katsuki. And when the blonde immediately ducked out of her way, all she did was giggle and ruffle his hair, ignoring the glare she received with the action. 

“I’m so happy you could finally come this time, Izuku!” Mina said, clutching Izuku’s cheeks in her palms. 

Izuku’s face flushed, letting out a nervous giggle. “M–Me too…!” He scratched the back of his head as the girl let go of his face. “Thank you guys for inviting me…” 

She huffed, placing her hands on her hips. “We invite you every time, silly. What made you think this time would be different?”

Katsuki could tell Izuku was going to say more, that he was going to doubt himself, but chose not to. Izuku looked up at Katsuki and the blonde just watched him closely, pretty much telling the boy he was waiting for him to say something else. 

“Right, yes. Of course! Thank you, again anyways.” He said, looking back at Mina and smiling. 

The girl ruffled his hair and made her way back around the counter to Ejiro who had stopped talking to whoever it was he was talking to. He clapped his hands together and said, “Alright, who’s ready to get this party started!!”

 

Katsuki had chosen to stick with his closest friends, not seeing the point in socializing with someone he would never talk to again after this party. He wasn’t even sure why Ejiro invited so many people. Sure, it was smaller than the other parties he’d had before, but still. Who needed this many friends? Wasn’t it just overwhelming? And how the hell do you remember all of them?

It was so absurd to the blonde that he chose not to dwell on the thoughts for too long. 

Izuku had stuck by his side the entire time, even though Katsuki had urged the smaller boy to go and talk to other people. He knew Izuku knew people. The boy was not unpopular. Sure, he kept to himself and only stuck around with Katsuki most of the time, but he knew the greenette was a talker. 

People knew him and he most definitely was the type of person that remembered everyone he’d ever talked to. 

However, something in the blonde was a bit happy that Izuku didn’t wander off. It was his first time coming to one of these parties and Katsuki wanted to make sure he was doing okay. He didn’t want the boy getting overwhelmed or even lost , for that matter. 

And he didn’t have to see Izuku chatting away with Ochako . He’d been pretty successful in keeping Izuku away from the girl, trying to ignore the small glances she was shooting their way. Thankfully Izuku hadn’t noticed them yet, or he was acting like he didn’t at least. 

Katsuki led Izuku to the table where Ejiro usually kept all of the food and drinks. It was packed with so many variations, he was unsure how the guy was able to even afford it all. Cookies, chips, mini hot-dogs, pizza, brownies, juice, water, soda, everything. 

He and Izuku settled for plain pepperoni pizza and a cup of sprite. He chose to ignore the alcohol at the end of the table, not wanting to make Izuku nervous. He was going to get the boy to drink, but he didn’t want to rush anything. It had to be when Izuku was ready and when he wanted to. 

“AGAIN? DUDE! You’re fucking–!” A loud shout drew Katsuki’s attention away from the food table and to the giant crowd in the center of the large living room. 

He looked at Izuku and the boy shrugged, shaking his head. Curious, Katsuki switched his plate to his left hand and grabbed Izuku’s wrist with his right, dragging the boy along with him. He pushed his way through the crowd, finally reaching the center and seeing what all the fuss was about. 

Currently, Ejiro and Denki were dueling in Beer-Pong. And of course, since Denki is the slowest person on this planet earth and can’t seem to do anything right, Ejiro was in the lead, with only four cups left, while Denki hadn’t made a single one in yet. 

The yellow-haired boy was clutching the side of the table, careful not to get in the way of the cups. He had his head down and it looked like he had the hiccups from the way his shoulders jumped up every once in a while. 

Denki was smashed . And this was the perfect opportunity to get Izuku to drink. 

Katsuki swung an arm around Izuku’s shoulder, pulling the boy closer to him. He walked over to Denki’s side and smacked the boy on the back a couple times. 

“Come on, dipshit. You can’t suck that bad.” 

Denki groaned, shoving off Katsuki’s hand with a shoulder shrug. The boy stood up straight–or as straight as he could right now–and lifted the Beer-Pong ball out of the cup Ejiro threw it into. He quickly down the drink, wiping his mouth. He held the ball in the air, in position to aim. He was a bit wobbly and unsteady but he was still trying. Katsuki watched closely as the boy gently popped the ball out of his grasp and bounced right off of Ejiro’s cup. 

He immediately deflated. 

Katsuki snorted in response, leaning closer to Izuku so he could talk into his ear. “Whatdya say, me and you next? It’s fun, I promise.” He kept his head low next to Izuku’s face, waiting for the boy's response as he watched his side-profile.

Izuku watched the game closely for a minute more until he finally looked up at Katsuki. The boy’s nose brushed against Katsuki’s. The blonde could feel Izuku’s breath on his chin. He could see the lines and waves in Izuku’s eyes. He could count every freckle on his damn face. 

He wondered if Izuku’s face was as soft as it looked. He wondered if the boy’s eyes made everything he looked at a little bit brighter and shinier, because that could only be the answer since he always saw everything in such a lovely light. He wondered if Izuku’s lips were as soft as they looked and if they tasted as sweet as they might feel. 

And then he wondered how they got so close so suddenly and why the blonde was so openly staring at every feature on Izuku’s face. 

“U-Um…” Izuku stammered, his eyes flicking down to Katsuki’s lips before back up again. 

Somehow he couldn’t look away. Somehow Katsuki’s eyes were glued to Izuku. He didn’t care about anything else but the boy and his response. Izuku gulped and finally looked back at the game. Katsuki couldn’t help but smile to himself as he did the same, enjoying how he made the boy so flustered. 

And then he wondered why he enjoyed it. 

Katsuki was doing a lot of wondering tonight. 

“A-Aren’t they drinking…?” Izuku finally asked. 

Katsuki nodded. “Yeah? Have you never heard of this game before?”

“I have… But why would you wanna play it if you’re gonna drink?”

Katsuki had to fight back the eye-roll begging to escape. “‘Zuku, come on. We talked about this. We’re at a party . We’re here to have fun , right? So let loose. Get a little drunk, yeah? Come on, you know I won’t let you do anything reckless. Aaaand , you’re staying at my house tonight, remember? You don’t have to worry about your mom or anything.” He looked down at Izuku, their faces a good distance from each other this time. He waited for the boy to look back at him. “Please?” Katsuki said, hoping his eyes displayed his true emotions. 

He really did just want Izuku to have a good time. He wasn’t trying to get the boy drunk so he could do something. Katsuki wasn’t a heartless monster . He wanted Izuku to finally feel a little extra freedom. He didn’t want the boy to be so locked away all the time. He knew Izuku was very open about his emotions and things like that, but when it came to this kinda stuff, real world stuff, he had a harder time. 

Katsuki was very open with doing anything he wanted. If he liked something and thought it was interesting, he was going to go after it. He wasn’t afraid of pursuing his dreams or his interests. 

And he wanted Izuku to be the same way. He wanted the boy to stop being so shy and timid all the time. Izuku often missed out on chances to do something he wanted just because he was shy and scared of making a fool out of himself. The boy had so much potential and Katsuki just wanted to show him that. 

Sure, a drinking game wasn’t really something that proved anyone's “ potential ”, but it was a way to get out of your comfort zone. It was a way to try something new and see if you liked it. He knew Izuku could have a good time if he just let go for a little bit and allowed Katsuki to show him how to have a real good time. 

Izuku bit his lip as he looked from Katsuki back to the game. The boy scratched his head, finally letting out a large sigh, looking defeated. “Okay, Kacchan.” The blonde's eyes widened and he was just about to say something when Izuku interrupted, “But! Under one condition.” He put up a finger in Katsuki’s face. “I only want to play against you.”

Katsuki scoffed. “Well duh . I ain’t letting anyone else here get your ass drunk.” He teased, shoving the boy a little.

Izuku rolled his eyes and Katsuki could tell he was fighting back a much larger smile than what was plastered on his face right now. 

“Oi, dickheads! Me and ‘Zuku are gonna go next, yeah?” 

“Oh gosh, please –” Denki begins, clutching his stomach and covering his mouth as he rushes away from the table and through the crowd of people. The blonde quickly jumped out of his way.

“Uh, well I guess you can go now then…” Ejiro says, laughing. 

They put the cups back and filled them with alcohol again, filling it to only about a shot size. Izuku walked to the other end of the table. They both set their trays of food down on the side, careful to not put them in the way of the game. Katsuki looked at the other, seeing how he was doing. Izuku looked nervous, but that was a given. Katsuki liked that the boy didn’t seem like he wanted to back down, though. He seemed like he was ready to come out of his shell a little bit and have some fun. 

“You ready? You know how to play right?” 

Izuku nodded, not looking at Katsuki. He eyed the cups and Katsuki could already tell he was studying the perfect way to throw the ball and get Katsuki to drink. “Mhm… Yeah I get the gist.”

Katsuki decided without saying it that he was going to go first. He brushed off the ball with his shirt and lifted his elbow, standing a bit sideways to get a good look. With a flick of his wrist, he let the ball go and watched it bounce off the rim of one cup, and into another. He smirked at Izuku, nodding his head to the cup. 

“Well?” 

Izuku mumbled a few words under his breath as he frowned down at the cup.  

The blonde watched as Izuku slowly took the ball out of the cup and raised the plastic container to his lips. He was hesitant at first but quickly just poured all of the contents into his mouth. Izuku scrunched his eyebrows together and squeezed his eyes shut, grasping onto the table as he swallowed the liquid. When he finally got it all down, he was gasping and sticking his tongue out. 

“ Gosh– What the hell ? You like drinking that?!” He looked up at Katsuki, his eyes wide and unbelieving. “Kacchan, that tasted like death !” 

Everyone around them was enjoying Izuku’s reaction, including the blonde himself. Katsuki tried to shrug it off, acting indifferent. “Eh, you don’t really do it for the taste, obviously . It’s the results you want.”

Izuku smacked his lips together a few more times, his face filled with disgust. He shivered once before shaking himself, trying to focus. He picked up the pong ball and copied Katsuki’s same movements. He narrowed his eyes and scanned the cups. And with a little too much force and a bit less accuracy, Izuku tossed the ball and it bounced right off the rim of the front cup. 

Izuku let his hand down, looking disappointed. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up about it. Not everyone’s a pro like me.” Katsuki smirked, trying to get a reaction out of the boy. 

Which he succeeded in doing. Izuku frowned at the blonde, rolling his eyes. He stepped back a little ways from the table and allowed Katsuki to throw again. 

The blonde tossed the ball and made another cup. Izuku looked like he was on the verge of tears, clearly not wanting to drink again. 

“I hate you.” 

The blonde only smiled in response, knowing Izuku was just joking. He was able to down the next cup easier than the first, knowing what was expected from it this time. He still shook his head, trying to rid the bitter taste. 

Izuku picked up the ball and just when he was about to toss it again, someone said, “You got this, Izuku!” 

Katsuki was going to ignore it because everyone else was saying things like that around them. Variations of “Come on man, make him drink!” and “Aw, Kats, go easy on the poor guy!” or “Drink! Drink! Drink!”

It was all very normal and Katsuki learned to zone it out by now. But this one particular voice threw him off. And when he looked around to see her standing right beside Izuku, and the boy’s cheeks just as flushed as the cups they were drinking out of, Katsuki couldn’t help the feeling of jealousy seeping into his body. 

Ochako was standing right next to Izuku, leaning close to him to try and see where he was aiming. Izuku’s shaky hand was unsteady in the air as he tried to focus on throwing the ball. He gulped and tossed it. Katsuki was barely paying attention, too busy eyeing the girl next to his best friend to even notice the people shouting around him. 

When he was finally able to focus again, he noticed Izuku getting rocked back and forth, a giant grin on his face. Katsuki looked down at the cups, only to realize one of them was filled with not only alcohol, but now a pong ball. Katsuki clicked his tongue, glaring down at the cup like it personally offended him before taking out the ball and easily drinking its contents in one go. 

He wiped his lips and locked eyes with Izuku. There was no way he was going easy on the boy now. Ochako could cheer him on as much as she wanted. She could try and encourage the boy as much as she liked, but it would do him no good. 

Izuku looked almost scared when he gazed into Katsuki’s eyes. It was like he knew . It was like he understood what was about to happen. 

But no, Izuku had no idea what was coming for him.

 

He was completely totaled. Izuku swayed on his feet, barely able to keep his eyes open. His arm raised in a wobbly way that Katsuki couldn’t help but chuckle at. 

Because he made him that way. He made Izuku unstable. He was the reason Izuku couldn’t think straight right now and it made the blonde feel fucking ecstatic . He accomplished his one goal for the night and it was to get Izuku out of his comfort zone and absolutely smashed. 

At this point, there was no point in even playing anymore. Katsuki had one more cup left and Izuku still had at least five. It was obvious who the winner was but the blonde wanted to keep going. He wanted to see how far he could push Izuku. 

And when the greenette tossed the ball and missed, again , Katsuki finally felt like he’d won. He effortlessly tossed the pong ball back onto Izuku’s side and into the last cup. Izuku eyed the plastic with a whiny expression. 

“Kaaachaaaan . I don’t think I can–” And suddenly it was like Izuku had woken up. His eyes widened, his cheeks puffed out. Katsuki mocked the boy's wide-eyes, his stomach dropping. 

“ Shit! ” He quickly rushed over to the other side of the table. 

Round Face began to reach for Izuku just as Katsuki got there. He wrapped his arms around the boy’s back, whipping his head quickly to the girl. “Back off. I got it.” He snapped, not caring for her shocked and offended expression as she pulled her hand back.

Katsuki quickly led Izuku to the bathroom. No one really cared what was happening, seeing as this was a usual thing for a drunk person. Izuku was just a little sick, things would be fine and it was nothing to worry about. 

They barely made it to the restroom before Izuku buckled over and hurled into the toilet. Katsuki grimaced as he looked away. He was about to get up and wait outside when Izuku suddenly grabbed his wrist, preventing the blonde from standing up. 

“Don' go…” Izuku said, his voice echoing inside the toilet bowl. 

“Izuku– Dude, I do not wanna hear you puking your guts out, alright? I’m just gonna wait out–”

“ Please .” Izuku begged, his grip on the blonde's wrist tightening. 

Katsuki’s eyes widened a bit before he quickly hid it. He looked to the side, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand. He sighed, turning back to Izuku. “Ugh, fine . But let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? Are you done here?” He gestured to the toilet just as Izuku lifted his head, wiping his mouth. He weakly nodded, scrunching his eyes shut. 

Katsuki stood up, reaching for a towel that was on the counter next to the sink. He turned on the water and held the towel under it for a brief moment. He leaned over and flushed the toilet, putting the seat down before he crouched back to the floor to sit next to Izuku. 

The other boy slowly turned towards Katsuki, his legs crossed underneath him as he rested his head on the cabinet drawers under the sink. His eyes were shut as Katsuki gently wiped his face. 

He wasn’t sure why he enjoyed this so much. Katsuki loved the quietness of the bathroom. He loved the calmness between the two of them. No tension, no shouting or mocking. Just them . 

He wished they had more moments like these. More moments where it was just the two of them, not having to worry about the eyes of anyone else, giving him weird looks as if they knew something he didn’t. And although his heart was beating out of his chest right now at just the sight of Izuku’s perfect, still face, Katsuki still wanted to live like this forever. 

When Izuku noticed the blonde had stopped moving for a bit, he slowly opened his eyes, lifting his head off the drawer. “Kacchan…?” He said, his voice quiet and his eyes droopy. 

Izuku looked at the blonde as if he wasn’t sure he was actually there. And to clearly test that theory, Izuku reached his hand out to touch Katsuki’s cheek. His palm made contact with Katsuki’s soft skin and it felt like a million fireworks just went off inside his chest. 

He wasn’t sure why he couldn’t move. He wasn’t sure why the touch of the boy he was so close to all of his life could stun him in such a way. Katsuki was unable to do anything in that moment except spill a few words off of his tongue. 

“Let me clean your hands.” He gently, and reluctantly, took Izuku’s hand away from his face, finishing wiping the boy's mouth before he helped him stand on his feet. 

Izuku leaned against Katsuki’s side as the blonde turned on the water. He held both of Izuku’s hands in his own, massaging them through the warm water. 

In his entire fifteen years of living, Katsuki had never once been this close to the boy. Hell, he’d wished he could. And yeah, he held Izuku around the shoulders as they walked with each other sometimes, but this was different. 

Izuku had almost his whole body pressed against the blonde. His head rested on Katsuki’s shoulder, his entire body weight was only able to stay up thanks to Katsuki’s firm build. The blonde made his way through each of Izuku’s individual fingers. He cupped both of Izuku’s smaller hands inside both of his. 

Izuku was so soft . He was so sweet and gentle that Katsuki convinced himself he was dreaming. He massaged Izuku’s hands under the water, squirting some soap onto their hands. He felt around Izuku’s thumbs, the bone on the outside of his wrists, the long, slender fingers and his perfectly cut fingernails. Katsuki rubbed his own thumb on the palm of Izuku’s hand, feeling the lines and calluses all around the surface. He felt in-between Izuku’s fingers, unsure of what came over him. 

Katsuki entwined their fingers, the water still running over their hands. And to his surprise, Izuku reciprocated the gesture. He squeezed Katsuki’s hand with his own, leaning more onto the blonde. Katsuki’s heart was doing back-flips in his chest. And he was sure that if Izuku wasn’t glued to his side right now, he’d be doing a few flips of his own. 

The way Izuku made Katsuki feel was something he couldn't even describe. He made the blonde feel so safe and so nervous and angry and frustrated and confused and so comfortable , that he was sure he was going insane. 

How was it that one person could make someone feel so many different kinds of emotions? Katsuki honestly wasn’t even sure if what he was feeling was real. He wasn’t sure if this moment was real. He wasn’t sure why or how anything was real right now. He wanted to believe it. He wanted to convince himself he wasn’t dreaming and finally live in this fantasy land he was walking through. He wanted so many things right now that it was just too overwhelming. 

Katsuki looked in the mirror he finally realized was there and noticed how tight Izuku’s eyes were. He was leaning his head against the blonde in a way that made it look like he was in pain. Katsuki quickly turned off the water and tore their fingers apart, suddenly feeling empty in a way that he knew wasn’t healthy. 

He grabbed a fresh towel from underneath the sink and gently held Izuku’s hands in it. He dried the boy’s hands off, trying to fight the light chuckle that wanted to escape his lips. The whole time, Izuku’s eyes had been completely shut, as if he was asleep but somehow standing up straight. 

It was adorable. 

Katsuki would never, ever say such things out loud, though. 

And he wasn’t sure how or why or when Izuku got closer, but he did. And suddenly Katsuki’s entire body burst into flames. His face, his chest, his waist, his arms, his legs, everything. It was all burning. Katsuki was on fire and he knew Izuku was responsible for it. 

The smaller boy had his arms wrapped tightly around Katsuki’s waist, his face buried in Katsuki’s chest. He clutched onto the fabric of Katsuki’s shirt like his life depended on it. 

“Mm, Kacchan…” Izuku mumbled, the vibration sending shivers throughout his whole body. “You’re so warm… So soft…”

And Katsuki just stood there. He stood there like an idiot and did nothing. He didn’t wrap his arms around the boy. He didn’t brush his hands through his hair. He didn’t push him off. He simply stood there, frozen in place. 

This seemed to bother the smaller boy. Like, actually bother him. Izuku moved a little against Katsuki, his hair tickling the blonde’s chin. “Kacchan…?” Izuku said quietly, lifting his head to look up. 

And he knew he shouldn’t have done it. He knew he should’ve kept his gaze locked on the glass shower that was suddenly so astounding. He knew he should’ve ignored the warmth of Izuku’s body pressed against his own but he couldn’t. He looked down and met Izuku’s sleepy eyes. 

He had no idea what to think or do or say. 

Izuku’s wide eyes stared up at Katsuki in a way he’d never seen before. He never saw Izuku so vulnerable and honest . Shit, maybe the blonde was imagining it. But from this view, and the way Izuku gripped onto him, Katsuki didn’t care what was real or what was fake. 

Izuku’s eyes blinked slowly and carefully, scanning over every part of Katsuki’s face. His eyes, eyebrows, nose, cheeks, lips, chin, neck…

Izuku's hand. His hand left its very special place on Katsuki’s body and rested on the blonde's shoulder instead. Izuku’s eyes were very fixated on a part of the blonde's neck, like he was admiring a piece of art. Izuku watched Katsuki’s neck like he was painting a picture in his head. All the blonde did was watch. All he did was feel as Izuku shuffled his body, stood on his toes, brushed his hand against Katsuki’s soft soft soft too hot skin and leaned closer. Closer and closer until Katsuki was practically breathing in the scent of his freshly washed hair. And then-

His lips. 

Izuku’s lips. 

Katsuki’s neck, Katsuki’s skin. 

Izuku’s lips on Katsuki’s neck on Katsuki’s skin . 

It was so gentle and so slow that when Izuku pulled back and looked into the blonde’s wide eyes, Katsuki was sure he’d imagined it. 

But no. Because it happened again. After Izuku looked up at the blonde, for confirmation he guessed, he did it again. And again. And again and again until Katsuki could feel the warmth of Izuku’s lips on every part of the left side of his neck. He could feel the ghost of the outline of those perfect soft lips on every spot they touched. He felt the skin around Izuku’s hand, which was placed on the right side of his neck, warm up even more. 

He could smell the fresh lavender of Izuku’s hair in his nostrils and the faint scent of alcohol that followed Izuku’s kisses. And he-

No. 

Alcohol. Izuku. 

Izuku and alcohol. 

Izuku was drunk . Katsuki was probably a little tipsy at this point, but not because of the drinks. 

And shit , what the hell was he doing? What the hell was he letting Izuku do? This was wrong. This was so so wrong. 

He was a terrible person. Izuku was drunk and he had no idea what he was doing and Katsuki just let him pretend this was okay. He let Izuku do whatever he wanted to his body without even thinking how the other might feel. 

Obviously right now Izuku didn’t care. Obviously right now Izuku was doing whatever the hell he wanted without the thought of consequence. 

And that little bit was almost enough to let Katsuki allow Izuku to keep going. But he shouldn’t. He couldn’t . He couldn’t take advantage of Izuku in this vulnerable state. If he did, if he allowed Izuku to continue, just what would the boy think of him later on? What would he think if he learned Katsuki allowed the boy to memorize his neck with his lips? What would he think of Katsuki if he learned this is all the boy had never wanted? What would he think if he learned Katsuki had gotten him drunk , took him to the bathroom, washed him up, and then proceeded to have his way with him?

Awful, terrible things is what. Izuku would probably never speak to him again. He would probably look at Katsuki with utter horror and disgust etched into his eyes. There was no way they could ever go back to being the same if this continued down the route Katsuki so desperately wished it would. 

But it couldn’t. He wouldn't let it. 

The blonde wrapped his arms around Izuku, finally choosing to move. It was the only answer and solution that would make this situation at least half better. 

Izuku didn’t mind the change. He was quick to remove his head away from Katsuki’s neck, as if what he was just doing never happened at all. He moved his hand back down to wrap around Katsuki’s waist, nuzzling his head into the blonde’s chest. Katsuki buried his head in Izuku’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut as tight as he could. 

He wanted to cry. 

He wanted to laugh and smile and break down and forget it ever happened. Because it would never happen again. Whatever that was, was a one-time thing. And that was okay. That was how it was supposed to be. He wasn’t going to complain. Things were better off this way and that was completely fine. 

Someone knocked on the door. 

Katsuki’s head shot up, eyeing the door and suddenly feeling embarrassed and nervous. He tried to pull away from Izuku to answer it but the boy was firm. He didn’t let go of Katsuki even as the boy practically dragged him along. When the blonde opened the door, he’d never wished more than right now that he didn’t. He wished he’d ignored them. He wished he shouted for them to go away and leave him alone. 

Because when he looked down and was met face-to-face with Ochako, he wanted to personally rip this door off of its hinges and lunge it at the girl's stupidly round face. 

“Oh– um…” She looked between Katsuki and the boy clinging desperately onto his torso. “S–Sorry… I don’t mean to interrupt–”

“Well you are.” Katsuki said, not minding the way he failed to fight back his jealousy. 

She flinched at his harsh words, taking a step back. “Right, well… I was just coming to check on Izuku.” She smiled nervously at the blonde as he narrowed his eyes, looking down at her. He’d hoped his face looked as intimidating as it felt. “Sorry, again…” She said before rushing off. 

He watched as the girl hurried back to the crowd of people. Then he was reminded of the human stuck to his side. “Kacchan…” Izuku mumbled, his entire body jumping in one quick motion. Hiccups. “...mm wanna go home…”

Katsuki looked back down at the boy, understanding what he meant. Katsuki kinda felt like it would be awkward to go back out there anyways. He wasn’t sure how long they’d been, but it was long enough for fucking Round-Face to come and check if they were alright. 

“Yeah, it’s probably time to head out.” He agreed, rubbing Izuku’s shoulders, trying to wake up the boy so he could walk more. 

Izuku was still wrapped around Katsuki as he made his way to the front door. He walked past the big crowd, ignoring the fact that they still left their food trays on the Beer Pong table. They could find something to eat at Katsuki’s house. 

Just as he was about to reach the exit without saying goodbye to anyone, someone stopped him, shouting out his name. “Bakugo! Where ya goin’ man?” The blonde turned around, half annoyed that he’d been stopped on his silent exit. 

“Where the fuck does it look like I’m going?” He asked, a skeptical frown playing on his face. “I’m leaving.”

Ejiro didn't seem to take the bait and leave him the fuck alone because the boy walked closer to them. And Katsuki was about to ignore the irritation that was boiling in his body until he realized that Ejiro was looking at something very specific on the blonde’s body. Some one . Katsuki looked down at Izuku, noticing how the boy still leaned a good deal of his weight on Katsuki, his grip around the blonde’s waist never ceasing and his eyes closed in a peaceful way. Izuku was completely unaware of anything right now. 

Katsuki wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. 

“So soon? Come on, you guys were having a great time!” Ejiro beamed, sounding disappointed. However, Katsuki didn’t miss the quick smirk that appeared on Ejiro’s face just as quick as it vanished. 

Katsuki narrowed his eyes at the other. “Thanks, but we’re going now. See you at school on Monday.” Katsuki stated, turning around and choosing to ignore whatever Ejiro said if he chose to speak. 

The red-head didn’t press the matter further and Katsuki wasn’t sure whether to feel thankful for that, or annoyed by the looks he received. 

None of it mattered right now anyways. He just needed to get Izuku to his place and get him some food and water. 

 

-

 

“Drink it, you stubborn ass dweeb.” Katsuki ordered, almost slapping Izuku in the face with the glass of water he was holding. 

Katsuki was able to successfully get Izuku back home. And thankfully his parents were out of town so he was able to drive them to and from Ejiro's party, although he was one, underage, and two, under the influence when driving back home. 

Izuku whined, dropping his head into his arms as he leaned against the marble counter in Katsuki’s kitchen. “My head hurtssss .” He said, mumbling into his arms. 

It was taking everything in Katsuki not to grab Izuku by the back of his hair and shove the water down the boy's throat. “Yeah, idiot . Drink some water and you’ll feel better!” He was holding his tongue, though. He knew Izuku was drunk and not here so he needed to have a little bit more patience with the boy. 

Finally, Izuku moved his head, still not lifting it off of his arms, though. He turned to the side and looked up at Katsuki, his eyes almost shut and practically his whole face flushed with a pink color that Katsuki had grown familiar with. The blonde waved the glass in front of Izuku’s face, his expression practically saying: “Come on, you know you wanna.”

“Mmm, too much work… don’t wanna move…” Izuku said quietly. 

Katsuki sighed, rubbing a hand through his blonde spikes before he made up his mind. Izuku was stubborn but Katsuki was even more so. He was going to get the idiot to drink water so he could feel better, no matter what. 

“Alright, you fucktard. I guess I gotta do everything for you, huh?” Izuku giggled at this for no apparent reason. He looked pleased with that response and it confused Katsuki. 

Did he want Katsuki to make him drink the water? Was he actually too tired or was he just trying to mess around? There was no way Izuku would ever let someone pour water into his mouth willingly. He’d have to have two broken arms and non-functioning brain to ever let that happen. 

But Katsuki played along. He reached out his free hand to lift Izuku’s head off of his arms. The greenette didn’t fight back, allowing Katsuki to tilt his head up by his chin. Katsuki then slowly brought the cup of water to Izuku’s lips, pouring in a small amount at first, not wanting to drown the guy. 

Izuku’s eyes were drooping and he was blinking slowly. He still held his gaze on the blonde’s face though. A drop of water spilt from the cup and onto Izuku’s chin so Katsuki gently moved his thumb up to wipe away the liquid. His finger brushed against Izuku’s bottom lip and his heart did a couple jumping-jacks at the encounter. 

It took exactly five seconds for Katsuki to realize how intimate the moment was. And it shouldn’t be. It shouldn’t be weird or sexual to help your friend drink some water when they were drunk and too out of it to do it themselves. It shouldn’t be intimate to wipe a stray drop of water off your friend's face when they didn’t realize it was there themselves. 

But it was. And Katsuki would be a fool to deny it. It was only because it was Izuku and because Katsuki felt more for him than just friendship. 

The way Izuku never took his eyes off of the blonde the whole time he helped him drink was making him lose focus. He was getting warm. His hands were beginning to shake. They were getting slippery from the sweat balling up in his palms. He began to itch a little, a normal sensation whenever he started to get hot randomly. He was breathing heavier. He bit his lip, trying to calm himself down, hoping Izuku didn’t realize or even see what he was doing to Katsuki. 

“Stop looking at me like that.” Katsuki blurted, not able to take it anymore. 

Izuku pulled away from the cup, wiping his mouth dry. He finally pushed off of the counter, a bit wobbly at first. “Like what…?” He asked, his voice slow. He looked at the blonde with his head a little bit tilted down and his eyes looking up. He hiccuped once before scratching the back of his head in one, slow motion. 

Katsuki wasn’t sure how to answer that. Because he knew that whatever he felt and wanted to say was going to sound wrong. 

“Stop looking at me like that because it makes me feel all weird and mushy inside.”

“Stop looking at me like that or I won’t be able to contain myself for much longer, you idiot.”

“Stop looking at me like that, like you want me. Like you know what you’re doing.”

“Stop looking at me like that, like you want to make me feel this way. Like you feel the same way. Like you know that you can do whatever you want to me. Like you know that with one slight slip-up, everything I’ve worked so hard to contain will come crashing down and ruin me. Ruin us .”

“Because your eyes are all red and ugly and shit.” Katsuki said, trying to scoff but the noise felt half-hearted. 

Izuku’s eyes were far from ugly. And they weren’t even red, they were just tired-looking. There was nothing ugly about Izuku. The redness that often painted his cheeks was far from ugly. It was one of Izuku’s cutest features that Katsuki would never admit out loud. 

All Izuku did was let out a low sigh, not seeming to be offended by Katsuki’s words at all. He stared down at the floor, standing on his feet as best he could. He looked almost… sad . Like he needed something. Like something was missing or something was empty. Like he was empty. And it might just be Katsuki’s mind playing tricks on him, or the alcohol from earlier finally doing something to his brain, but he almost wanted to reach out and pull Izuku back into another hug. 

It was strange. He had no urge to do anything other than hug him. He had no urge to go back to the moment when Izuku’s soft lips were pressed against the skin of his neck. He had no urge to go back to that moment and pull Izuku’s face away, only to bring it back and kiss him for real. He had no urge to do anything of that sort. 

He just… wanted to be close with Izuku. They were never really the affectionate type. Sure, Izuku would tug on his clothes sometimes or grab his wrist when he tried to drag the blonde somewhere. And Katsuki would casually wrap and arm around Izuku’s shoulder all the time. But nothing more than that. He can’t even remember the last time they’d hugged before this night. 

It’s not like he didn’t want to. Because he sure as hell wanted to wrap his body around Izuku. He sure as hell wanted to get warm from the slight touch of Izuku against him. He wanted Izuku to be his only source of warmth for the rest of his life. 

But he never found the courage to ask or say anything about it. Because wanting something like that made him look weak. Wanting to be cuddled and touched and hugged and kissed by someone would only make you weaker. And when the moments where you weren’t able to be touched or close to that person arrived, you’d feel even lonelier than before. So getting attached to Izuku in that sort of way, getting attached to his affection like that would only bring the blonde down. 

Or maybe he was just scared. 

Maybe there was nothing wrong with wanting a hug here and there. Maybe there was nothing wrong with wanting to have the type of relationship with someone where you could cuddle in the night and kiss each other gently to sleep. Perhaps those things could make a person stronger. Happier . 

Maybe the idea of that person being Izuku was the only thing that was going to make him weak. 

Gosh, he wanted to rip every follicle of hair out of his skull and shove it down his own throat. Things were so fucking confusing . Emotions and feelings and thoughts and actions were so. fucking. confusing. Life was so much better when he was a little kid and oblivious to things like this. Life was so much better when he was unaware of the consequences of liking someone, when he was able to feel safe and happy in the company of Izuku without worrying that he would make the wrong move or say the wrong thing. 

And he should’ve thought about all of this before he decided to go and get the guy drunk. He should’ve considered his own feelings before he went off and did something he couldn’t erase. Now he has to deal with Izuku in this drunken state and figure out how the hell he was going to forget about everything that happened tonight. 

If Izuku remembered the way he kissed Katsuki’s skin and the way he clung to him, it would be his choice to bring it up. Katsuki wouldn’t speak a thing about the events that happened tonight, if only to protect himself. 

Placing the glass cup down, Katsuki swallowed nothing before he rested a hand on Izuku’s shoulder. The boy looked up, waiting for Katsuki to move. And for a good second, he didn’t. He didn’t move, didn’t say anything, probably didn’t even breathe . He just took in the sight of Izuku’s face, ignoring the things it did to his heart. He looked away for one quick moment, pulling himself back together before looking back. 

“We should go to bed.” He broke the silence, although he felt a bit awkward saying it. It was like that wasn’t the right thing to say, or like that wasn’t what his mind was trying to get him to say. 

Izuku just blinked up at him for a short moment, his brain probably working slower than usual right now. Finally, he nodded, not saying a word. Katsuki pried his hand off of Izuku’s shoulder and chose to grab the boy's hand instead. He was too scared and too nervous to hug him to make any other kind of physical contact in the way he wanted, so he settled for holding his hand. 

Izuku didn’t complain and followed Katsuki out of the kitchen, up the stairs and into his room. The lights were out, thankfully, and he led Izuku to the bed. The boy immediately flopped down, curling himself into the sheets and snuggling with Katsuki’s pillow. 

He wanted to die a little. 

“G’night, Izuku.” He said, his voice quiet, sad. 

He was glad the lights were out so Izuku couldn't see the pained expression on Katsuki’s face. He would kill himself before he ever allowed the other to know just how much he affected the blonde. 

He was on his way to turn around and walk back downstairs to sleep on the couch when Izuku said, “Hm?” Katsuki’s hand was on the door, ready to shut it. 

“I said ‘goodnight’.” He repeated, his voice holding no venom or annoyance in it. 

“Where ya going…?” Izuku said and Katsuki could tell the reason his voice sounded a bit muffled was because he had his face buried in a pillow. 

“I’m gonna sleep on the couch. You should get some good rest.” The words spilling out of his mouth and into the world felt like tiny needles digging into his tongue.

He wanted nothing more than to lay in that bed with Izuku, hold him tight, and fall asleep. There was nothing wrong with cuddling with your friend. He knew that. But it was the fact that Katsuki knew it would never, could never, be anything more than that that pained him to an indescribable amount. 

“Okay.” Izuku said and Katsuki could hear some shuffling on the bed. He was about to close the door when he heard footsteps making their way closer to him. 

“What are you doing?” The blonde asked, his eyes widened just a bit, genuinely interested. 

“...couch.” Izuku replied, rubbing his face. He didn’t seem bothered or confused by Katsuki’s question. 

“Uh, why?” Katsuki said, now fully facing Izuku. 

“‘Cause, you’re going…” He yawned, stretching out his arms. Katsuki could hear the smacking of Izuku’s tongue on the top of his mouth as he tasted his breath. 

Izuku walked closer and Katsuki was now able to get a good glimpse of the boy's face again. He was really confused about why they were having this conversation right now. Why would Izuku want to come sleep on the couch when he had a perfectly functional bed to sleep on? 

“You need your rest, ‘Zuku. I’m gonna give you some space to do that.”

Izuku whined, lowering his head down to hit Katsuki’s chest. The blonde stared at exactly nothing in the distance beyond Izuku’s head. “But I don’t need any space…” He said, sounding hurt. “We can… have a sleepover… jus’ like before, hm Kacchan…?” His words came out a bit slurred and quiet, like the boy was fighting to stay awake. 

Katsuki was fighting a battle of his own at the moment. He wanted to give up. He wanted to surrender and wrap himself in Izuku's warmth once more. He wanted to ignore the way it would only bring him more pain in the morning. He wanted to be able to do this kind of thing without having to worry about that pain, too. He hated these battles. He hated this hate and frustration that never seemed to go away. He tried so, so hard to get over it. He tried to get over this stupid little crush and these years of yearning for something more from the boy. He tried and tried. He fought and fought and fought . 

And he was losing. He was giving in. He was surrendering. He was accepting the fact that he wasn’t going to win this one and was giving up now. Even if it was just for one night. Even if Izuku didn’t remember anything in the morning, that would be okay. It would be okay. Nothing was going to go wrong and no one was going to get hurt. 

Katsuki was used to this pain by now. 

Katsuki raised his hand to rub circles on Izuku’s back, the boy relaxing under his touch. “Alright…” He said quietly. “Alright, let's go to bed then.”

He led the boy back to his bed, laying down with him this time. Katsuki leaned his back against the wall as Izuku had his own back to the rest of the room. They just stayed like this for a minute, staring blindly at each other in the darkness.

Izuku suddenly shifted, his warmth getting closer to the blonde. 

“Kacchan…?” Izuku asked hesitantly. 

“Hm?” Katsuki replied, his eyes blinking slowly and shutting slightly. 

There was a beat of silence before Izuku reached out and grabbed onto a small piece of Katsuki's shirt. “Can you… hold me?”

Maybe it wasn’t going to be okay. Maybe Katsuki shouldn’t have surrendered so easily. Maybe he should’ve stuck with his gut and kept walking out of that room, telling Izuku to just go back to bed. Shit shit shit . He knew it. He should’ve kept fighting because even if you surrender and accept your loss, hoping it will save you, things were always bound to go South in war. It didn’t matter if you surrendered in battle. People still died. People still got hurt and lost others that they cared about. Surrendering wasn’t a way to take away the pain, it was just a way to prevent more from coming. 

This war he’d been fighting with himself wasn’t going to change anything if he continued to fight it or chose to finally give up. Either way, he was bound to get hurt. He was bound to find himself in situations where he was forced to make a decision that might cost him his life. And as much as he told himself that the pain was normal, that it didn’t hurt that much, that he was used to it, the shock of it all never quite faded.

But he was selfish. He was blind and deaf and couldn’t smell anything or think about anything other than himself. 

So, he accepted the fact that he did surrender and was going to have to live with it. If anything, the pain would disappear for only a little bit. He could put aside the feelings of tomorrow because that was another day. He could ignore the idea that this was only temporary and live in the moment. 

Without saying anything, Katsuki wrapped his left arm around Izuku’s side, pulling the boy to his chest. Izuku’s hold on Katsuki’s shirt loosened as the boy brought his arm up to wrap around Katsuki’s waist. 

Izuku’s arms seemed to have a thing for Katsuki’s waist tonight. 

But only tonight. 

Katsuki moved his other arm under Izuku’s neck, letting the boy use his arm for a pillow as he slowly dragged his fingers through Izuku’s soft curls. Izuku snuggled closer to his chest, his leg moving under Katsuki’s. 

His heart was running a marathon right now and Katsuki was struggling to keep up.

“Goodnight, Kacchan.” Izuku said, his voice and face and hair and skin and body so close to the blonde it drove him crazy. 

Finding the ability to put sound to words, Katsuki spoke, “‘Night, nerd.”

He closed his eyes, hoping the presence of Izuku’s warmth and the sudden exhaustion that spread throughout his body would be enough to make him pass out soon. 

And it was. 

He shut his eyes and saw Izuku. He fell asleep and dreamed of Izuku. And all the doubt and worry he had been previously feeling about everyone soon faded away. He was here now. He was living in the moment like he wanted to. He was going to enjoy every last drop of this as if he was a dehydrated child in desperate need for water. He would soak up every last sprinkle of it, in hopes he’d get just enough to fill him up.

Right now, Katsuki slept with Izuku in his arms, his pain tucked away in his pocket, and his brain filled with only happy thoughts as slept took over his body and led him into a world where nothing else mattered. 

Where things like this could actually last.

Notes:

So… This one was kind of a lot. I kinda just started writing and it all flowed together. Lots of tension and confusion and heartbreak, as you can tell. And trust me, there’s more to come! I hope you guys enjoyed this new chapter and can’t wait for the next one. Once again, my updating schedule will be a little odd but I will never give up on this work. These first two chapters are all I have right now so that's why I posted them on the same day loll.

If you feel like sharing your thoughts or ideas or even predictions for future chapters, feel free to leave and comment and even a kudo if you really enjoyed the chapter! Thank you guys so much for the love and support and I'll see you in the next chapter.

TikTok: ap_nama

Chapter 3: You

Notes:

about 30 pages of absolute chaos and sadness <3
(anyone notice what im doing with the title of the chapters??)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4C9KNiTDdAGCQqanxb4rPj?si=vGB-UtmITzOpzjc2KNZVIA

“But we’re just friends. He makes sure to tell me that regularly. He doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea.” 

Sophomore Year:

The days after the party at Ejiro’s house went by in a blur. Katsuki turned 16, they finished Freshman Year, and it was finally summer. 

It seemed like time flew by faster these days and Katsuki wasn’t sure if he was grateful for it, or sad because the years of his youth would soon come to an end. 

At least if time flew by, he wouldn't have to stand still and be forced to dwell on the millions of thoughts of Izuku he had each second of each minute of every hour in a day, non-stop. 

That would be hell. 

He was also unsure of how he should feel about the time after the party. Izuku never said anything. He never acted any differently towards the blonde. He didn’t distance himself nor stop talking to Katsuki as often. It was all the same. 

Katsuki knew there was a chance the boy wouldn’t remember a thing. He was drunk, after all. And it was his first time being in such a wrecked state, which could’ve had some sort of impact as well. And the next morning when Katsuki woke up with Izuku in his arms, he bathed in the soft embrace of Izuku for a little longer until he finally unwrapped his arms from the boy and got up, careful not to wake him. 

And the other didn’t even seem fazed about the fact that he woke up in Katsuki’s bed when he walked down into the kitchen. 

“Hmm, Kacchan…?” Izuku called out, rubbing his eyes and sleepily smacking his lips together. 

“‘Morning.” Katsuki replied, pouring some sugar and milk into a white glass cup. 

Izuku walked up beside him and leaned on the counter, watching as the blonde poured himself and Izuku a cup of tea. “Drink up.” Katsuki said, holding Izuku’s cup in front of the boy’s face. 

“Thank you!” Izuku said, taking the cup with a cheeky smile. “Gosh, my head is pounding…” He scrunched his eyes shut before he took a small sip, seeming to already feel more awake. 

“Yeah, well you had like, 10 shots last night. And pretty much refused to accept any water when we got back here. I had to pour the shit down your throat.” Katsuki scoffed, taking a seat at the marble island in the middle of his kitchen. 

He remembered the events of the night before like they’d just happened. And he was sure they’d stick with him until he died. Or until someone wiped his memory, at least. 

Katsuki had never seen Izuku in such a vulnerable state. He was so sluggish and clingy and touchy and soft and warm and gorgeous. He was so open with the blonde, even if he said nothing. He looked at Katsuki with a need in his eyes that the blonde couldn’t resist. And he was sure it was all because Izuku had been drunk. He was sure that the boy was just grabbing ahold of the nearest pole he could find and planting himself there. 

But it was different for Katsuki. He remembered the way Izuku had placed his lips on his neck. The way he held the blonde’s shoulders and pulled him closer so he could taste a little bit more of Katsuki’s scorching hot skin was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. 

Izuku hugged Katsuki so tightly after that, like he was afraid that if he let go, he might shatter into a million pieces. And Katsuki was grateful because he was almost positive that he would’ve shattered, had Izuku removed his arms. 

And when they made it back to Katsuki’s house and Izuku refused to drink any water until the blonde literally did it for him, he looked up into Katsuki's concentrated eyes so sleepily that the blonde wanted to choke himself right there with the very water he was getting Izuku to drink. 

“Stop looking at me like that.” Katsuki blurted, not able to take it anymore. 

He had to say something. He had to, because if he didn’t, he would’ve let go. He would’ve untied himself from this invisible rope that held him back from pouncing on Izuku every chance he got. He had to say something to break Izuku out of whatever state he was in so that Katsuki could breathe just a little bit better.

It worked for the most part. He was able to finish helping Izuku feel a little better and finally go to bed. 

He even allowed himself a little bit of space to roam free on that rope. He loosened the knot just a little bit so that he could go to sleep with Izuku in his arms. He took the opportunity and enjoyed every last second of it.

But now they were back in the real world. Katsuki had woken up an hour ago and was no longer sleeping in the fantasy land where things were only possible in his mind.

He had to get back on track and tighten that knot. There would be no room for roaming free anymore. Because if he kept letting himself have a little bit of freedom, he would get selfish. He would start to need that room. He wouldn’t be able to live without that little extra space. 

Izuku somehow found his comment about last night funny. “Aww, sorry about that Kacchan. I hope I wasn’t a super big burden for you…”

Katsuki chose to nod, stirring the liquid around as he stared down into his cup of tea.

No more freedom. No more space. No more loosening that knot. 

Katsuki would stay perfectly still for as long as he could. 

 

-

 

Summer…

Summer was always nice. It was a refreshing breath of air from school. The weekends and occasional week-long breaks from school that they would get during the year wasn’t enough time to really breathe. Because after a day or two, you realized that you’d be going back to school within the next week. 

But during summer, even with that sad thought of having to go back to school hanging in the back of your head all the time, you had a lot longer to enjoy yourself. Summer was the kind of freedom Katsuki was okay with allowing himself to have. 

He could hang out with his friends, sleep all day if he wanted to, stay at home and do nothing, play video games, read, anything. He was free to do whatever he wanted. And he was thankful his parents were very flexible when it came to the things he wanted to do. 

He never really asked for much. When he wanted to do something, he was able to provide for himself most of the time. When he wanted to go somewhere, he was able to get himself there. Whether that was by getting a ride from someone else, walking, biking, or even driving himself if his parents let him take one of their cars. 

He was a pretty independent person and he was thankful his parents allowed him to be. 

So when summer was soon coming to an end, with only about a month left of break, Katsuki and his friends all went out to the mall. 

Sure, a month seemed like a long time during some circumstances, but as you age, it almost feels like nothing. 

Izuku and Katsuki had hung out almost every week, like they normally did every summer. This week, they picked a day to have everyone in their friend group get together.

Katsuki left his house at around 12 so he would have time to pick up Izuku without being late. He knew he didn’t have to meet their friends right on time, but Katsuki hated being late. 

He got in the car and quickly shot over to Izuku’s house, then they made their way to the mall. 

It was going to be Ejiro, Mina, Denki, probably Jiro since the girl had started hanging around them since she met Denki, Ida, Shoto, and Sero. That was their general friend group most of the time so Katsuki had a good idea on who he should be expecting to see when they got there. No one said they were going to invite anyone new or even miss out on this little get-together. Again, summer was ending soon and they hadn’t gotten together—all of them—this whole summer. 

Normally the bunch of teens would plan to hang out but not everyone would make it. Katsuki was excited—although he’d never admit it out loud—to get to spend time with everyone before they had to go back and withstand another treacherous year of school again. 

However, his excitement quickly evaporated the moment he walked up to his bubbly friend group and was met face-to-face with the one person he never would’ve expected to see. The one person he didn’t want to see. 

“O—Ochako…!” Izuku was the first to speak when they arrived, stuttering for no apparent reason. 

The girl turned her head to look at the source of the voice that called her name and immediately turned 10 shades redder. 

“You’re here!” She replied, beaming at Izuku as she tried to control her redness. 

Katsuki stared. He didn’t even care. He stared at the girl, unsure of how he looked right now. He didn’t know if his expression was casual or harsh or anything. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. He was mad; he was jealous and upset, he knew this for sure. But he wasn’t sure if he was wearing the emotions he felt inside on his face, or if he was overlaying the true feelings with a different one. 

And then he pulled himself together. He looked up and found the only pair of eyes he felt like looking at right now. 

Crimson eyes almost the same shade as his own. 

“A—Ah…” Ejiro cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck. Mina seemed just as uncomfortable in the spot she stood right next to the red-head. “My bad, man. She showed up last minute.” Ejiro said and Ochako looked over at him, seeming hurt. “B—But there’s nothing wrong with that! I don’t mean—Uh… what I was trying to say—”

“She was a little addition to our group that I believed would be a perfect fit.” Ida spoke up, pushing his glasses up his nose with his index finger. 

“Y—Yeah.” Ejiro said, nodding. “She showed up with Ida.” The boy quickly glanced at Katsuki before giving a nervous smile to Ochako. “Sorry about how I worded that. It’s great that you’re here.” 

The girl easily forgave him, understanding what he meant. “No worries! I was worried you guys would feel like I was intruding.” She let out a nervous laugh, blushing. 

“Well you are—”

“You’re not intruding at all!” Izuku was quick to speak up, his voice drowning out Katsuki’s quiet complaint. 

The blonde clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

The group soon started moving, staying in the same relative area as each other while also not clumping together in one space. Izuku, surprisingly, stayed with Katsuki pretty much the whole time. The blonde had to try and ignore how the small glances Izuku kept shooting at Ochako were stabbing him in the gut.

He had to try and not physically react every time Izuku and Ochako made eye contact, Izuku quickly turning red and looking away. He had to ignore the way Ochako looked so pleased with herself every time she got this reaction out of the boy. Katsuki was holding himself together by a single thread. 

And he wanted to let it snap. He wanted to rip the girls eyes out of their fucking sockets so that she would have nothing to look at and Izuku wouldn’t feel the need to glance in that direction anymore. 

What the hell was so special about her anyways? Why her? Her face was so round, he eyes were so fucking big and creepy, her hair was cut in a short, bob-like way that made her look like literal shit. She was short as hell and probably weak as shit. 

Basically she was a basic bitch. There was absolutely nothing special or unique about her and it was pissing Katsuki off. 

But he held himself back. He did. He was sure he was acting a bit dryer than usual and even grumpier, but it was better than what he really wanted to do and say. He allowed that single string to hold him back and prevent him from ruining the whole day. 

Because the truth was he didn’t want to feel like this. He didn't want to hate the girl just because his best friend had some sort of crush. He should be happy. He should be encouraging Izuku to go over there and talk to her and stop being a fucking dumbass just gushing over her from a distance. 

Katsuki never really had any experience in this field but he was sure if he ever wanted to, he could be a pretty good wing-man. He’d know what to say. He’d know how to get the two people together and make them fall for each other. 

But there was something that was holding him back. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t encourage Izuku or try to give the boy some advice. Katsuki couldn’t tell the boy to leave him and that it would be fine. He couldn’t tell Izuku to spend some time with her because Katsuki would be able to hang out with Ejiro instead. 

He wouldn’t, if anything. It wasn’t so much that Katsuki couldn’t, it was just that he wouldn’t. 

He had to try at least something to put off whatever this was. He had to keep Izuku by his side just a little bit longer, if only until the end of summer. He didn't have to let Izuku go so quickly. They could have more time for just themselves. They could hang out with each other and be super close and not worry about girls just until the end of summer. Things didn’t have to end so soon, right?

So, he allowed himself to stay grumpy and ignore the two idiots' disgusting glances at each other. He went through the day with Izuku by his side, the two chatting like normal, only Katsuki was trying his hardest to get Izuku to have his eyes on him before they wandered onto something less important. 

 

After walking around for about an hour or two, the group decided it was time to get some food. Katsuki hadn’t bought anything so far. He normally just liked going out to places like this with people so he had something to do. He paid for food and rarely anything else. 

They gathered around in the middle of the food court and dispersed into separate groups of people who wanted to order the same foods. Izuku and Katsuki walked up to the Korean Barbecue stand and looked down at the menu. Izuku scanned through the lists for longer than necessary like he normally did while Katsuki stood off to the side as he waited his turn. 

“What are you thinking of getting?” Ochako pops up out of nowhere, suddenly at the greenettes' side. 

Izuku visibly jumps, his eyes wide as he stares at the girl like she’d just grown a second head. “W—What?”

She giggles. “I asked what you’re thinking of getting. Sorry if I startled you.” Izuku blinks a couple thousand times before he swallows nothing and straightens his back, trying to stand with more courage next to the girl. 

“Um… Well, I’m not sure yet… hah.” He laughs nervously, his fingers scrolling on the menu, scanning through the items in a way that told Katsuki he wasn’t actually looking anymore. 

The girl reaches over his arm, practically leaning on Izuku’s shoulder. “Oh! I wanted to try this one. I thought it looked pretty good last time I came.”

Izuku looked like he was having a heart attack. The sudden interaction of their skin, and the talking seemed like too much for him. The way he was almost completely frozen and had his eyes widened slightly larger than before easily gave him away. At least for the blonde. 

Katsuki had gotten good at reading Izuku over the years. 

And he continued to watch silently from the side at the interaction, unsure why he hadn’t butted in yet. 

“R—Really…?” Izuku asks, pausing his frantic scrolling to click on the item Ochako had pointed at. “I think I’ll try it then, t—too.” He pressed the button to add two things to their cart before proceeding to check out and send the order to the people in the back. 

“Oh! You don’t have to pay for mine, haha.” She said, looking only slightly guilty at Izuku’s generosity. She begins to reach into what Katsuki guesses was a wallet before Izuku stops her. 

“No, no! I insist. Don’t worry about it, really!” He’s waving his arms at her, his smile seeming less nervous and more genuine this time. 

Izuku always seemed to show his true colors when it came to helping someone out, whether he was nervous or not. It was like doing favors for people or making other people happy was something that he wasn’t scared of doing. Like it brought him some sort of joy and he just couldn’t help it. 

It was fucking dumb and Katsuki loved it. 

But he only loved it when it was directed towards him. No one else deserved Izuku’s kindness in this form except the blonde. No one else deserved to make Izuku nervous and smile like that beside Katsuki. Izuku wasn’t supposed to be offering to pay for Ochako's food. He wasn’t supposed to be trying out the same thing as the girl and completely forgetting about Katsuki at that moment. 

Katsuki finally buts in, shoving Izuku a little bit as he bumps him with his shoulder. The greenette looks up at Katsuki. “You little fucks done yet?” He asks, looking down at Izuku. 

Izuku looks stunned for a moment, his face becoming red again. “Sorry Kacchan! Here you go.” He shuffles over a little bit, gesturing to the menu. Katsuki grins at the boy, enjoying his cute reaction. He ruffles Izuku’s hair before turning to the menu. 

He felt a little better now. A little…

After they all got their food and found some tables, Katsuki sat down with Ejiro and Mina. He’d hoped Izuku would make his way over but of course he didn't. The boy was on the table next to them, chatting away with fucking Pink-Cheeks. He was smiling and giggling and laughing in a way that made Katsuki want to rip his own heart out. 

He thought it was bad when it was just the two pathetically sending glances towards each other. But no. This? This was much worse. So much worse. 

The two sat on opposite ends of the table they were at, facing each other. They were having a pretty back and forth conversation. Although, Izuku did seem to be talking most of the time. The girl just watched as the boy rambled on about whatever it was he was talking about. And she seemed so interested. Like she actually cared about what he had to say. Like she found it intriguing. 

The way Ochako looked back at Izuku when he was speaking so passionately about whatever it was made Katsuki feel weird. It was a bad weird, he knew that. But it was also something else. 

He wanted to call it jealousy. He wanted to call it anger or annoyance, but it was much, much deeper than that. He knew it. 

The more he watched them and watched their expressions change when the other spoke made him feel even worse. But he couldn’t look away. He observed, without making it too obvious, and tried to figure out what it was he was truly feeling. 

He had a feeling he knew what it was, but it still didn't feel like enough to describe exactly what this sensation was. 

Sadness. He was definitely sad. He was devastated beyond repair and it was no one else's fault but his own. Because he relied on the Izuku too much. He put their relationship before everything else and made it his priority. When in reality, he should’ve done everything but that. 

Of course, he knew he couldn’t have completely cut off Izuku, but he should’ve done something at least. He shouldn't have made his whole world form around a single person. He shouldn't have convinced himself that his whole purpose in life was to make Izuku happy and make sure they had a good relationship. 

Because it backfired. Everything backfired. All those promises to keep each other close and all those nights where Katsuki tried to convince himself he’d get over it and all the times he let himself a little loose to feel a little bit happier for just a second were all coming back to bite him in the ass. 

Slowly but surely, Izuku was going to fade away. Right? Everyone does. Izuku couldn’t be there for Katsuki all the time. Katsuki couldn’t be there for the boy all the time. They couldn’t spend every hour of every day of every week together for the rest of their lives. They had things to do, people to interact with, places they needed to go. And it was his selfishness that blinded his reality. 

And he tried. He tried and tired and never fucking stopped trying to convince himself it would be okay. That it was just for now. That when the time came for them to actually grow up and learn how to be apart, that it would be okay. Katsuki would be okay and Izuku would be okay and things would be fine. Because he’d be prepared. Katsuki would be prepared for that day when it inevitably came because he spent all this time making sure he was prepared. 

He couldn't control Izuku or be in every part of his life. He couldn’t keep the boy from dating someone else or becoming someone else's friend. 

Katsuki was weak. And he was scared. He was so scared that he was truly lost now. 

Because now that the day came for Izuku to spend time with someone else and smile at someone else and laugh and talk and blush at someone else, Katsuki felt like he’d been totally abandoned. He felt betrayed in the worst way possible. 

He was a selfish, cruel man and he couldn't help it. 

 

The chopsticks in his hand had made an indent in his fingers from the way he was gripping them so hard, completely lost in thought that he didn’t even realize it. 

Ejiro notices this and nudges the boy gently, giving him a sad smile. “You good? You haven’t looked in the greatest of moods the whole time we’ve been here.”

Thankfully/Sadly/Finally, Katsuki was brought out of his trance and back into the real world. He doesn’t look at Ejiro when he responds with:

“Great. I’m fucking great. Why do you ask?” He shoots an angry, strained smile at his food while he aggressively picks around it. 

Ejiro gave him a squeeze on the shoulder and didn't say anything more. Katsuki would never get over the fact that his two closest friends—other than Izuku—always knew how to read him. 

He’d been friends with the greenette for far longer than Mina or Ejiro, but they could always tell what he was thinking or feeling. 

And maybe Izuku could too. Maybe the boy was just as aware of the inner turmoil Katsuki was going through right now. Perhaps he didn’t care. Perhaps Izuku felt like Katsuki was always overreacting when he got jealous or mad. Maybe Izuku knew all of Katsuki’s thoughts and feelings but chose to keep quiet because he felt bad for the boy. 

Or maybe he knew and kept quiet because he was trying to make things worse. What were the chances that Izuku knew everything all along but chose to act oblivious just to mess with the blonde?

It seemed impossible. 

Katsuki knew Izuku wasn’t that kind of person. Izuku didn’t like hurting other people's feelings or making them feel bad. He was too sweet. He was too gentle and caring to intentionally fuck someone up in this sort of way. Katsuki was sure the boy probably couldn’t mess with Katsuki in this sort of way even if he tried to. 

Being toxic wasn’t in Izuku’s blood. And though they fought in the past and even up to this day, Izuku never said anything more hurtful than Katsuki. 

So the blonde hoped that Izuku was, truly, not aware of anything Katsuki faced on the inside. He hoped Izuku couldn’t sense how strong his love and care and need to please the other was. He hoped that Izuku couldn’t tell how badly Katsuki was hurting right now as he watched Izuku and Ochako interact with each other.

Oh how Katsuki loved to hope. 

 

After their lunch that left Katsuki feeling even hungrier after he chose to pick around the contents instead of actually eating it, they walked around for a little longer. And this time, Izuku was with Ochako the whole time. Katsuki walked along with Ejiro and Mina, although he didn’t play a part in any of their conversations. He watched his own feet drag him around the polished floors of the mall until it was time to leave. 

Katsuki and Izuku said their good-bye’s to everyone before walking out to the car. 

The blonde chose to stay silent on their short journey to the vehicle, keeping his emotions bottled inside as he turned on the car and let the radio play whatever was on. 

Izuku didn’t even seem to notice. He was too busy smiling down at his phone and pressing the screen in a rapid motion that told the blonde he was typing something. 

Texting someone. 

Mustering up all the courage and nonchalance as he could, Katsuki is the first one to speak. “So, you and Pink-Cheeks, huh?”

Izuku finally lifts his gorgeous emeralds from the screen in his hands to glance at Katsuki’s side-profile. The blonde had one elbow resting on the window while the other steered the car. He rests his head on the arm placed in the window, waiting for Izuku’s response. 

“What do you mean?” Izuku asks innocently, as if the question wasn’t fucking obvious about what the blonde meant. 

Perhaps Izuku did want to toy with his feelings. 

The blonde shrugs. He couldn't jump to random conclusions just because Izuku claimed he didn’t understand a single question. It was perfectly fine to be unsure of what Katsuki meant. The blonde could’ve met a couple different things when he asked that question. He could’ve been asking Izuku for more details or wondering what they talked about or literally anything else. 

Izuku had a right to be a little confused. Katsuki didn’t need to get frustrated. 

“I dunno. You two seemed to be having a good time all day.” He tries to play it off as if he didn’t really care. Typical. 

Perhaps this is why he suffered so much. 

Izuku smiles to himself a little bit, looking down at his hands. “Yeah. I did have a lot of fun. She’s super sweet.”

Nope. 

Maybe this was actually why he suffered. 

The blonde nods, rubbing a finger over his lips for no reason. He takes a few deep breaths, not trying to be obvious. “Right.”

Izuku fidgets for a moment before he adds, “But I’m sorry we couldn't hang out as much. I mean—I know we hung out in the beginning… Well, what I mean is sorry for leaving you—”

“S’fine. Stop overthinking shit.” Katsuki says, waving his hand without meeting the boy's eyes. 

“Ah—Sorry…” Izuku deflates in his seat, averting his eyes back to the road in front of him. 

Silence. 

More silence. 

Aaaaand, just a little bit of silence. 

It was like this until they made it to Izuku’s house. No sound besides the occasional clicking of the blinker signal from the car, Izuku’s tapping on his phone, or Katsuki’s random yawns because he was beginning to get sleepy for no reason. 

As soon as he got home, he was burying his face in his pillows and falling asleep until the end of time. 

Or maybe just until the end of summer break. 

He pulled in front of the boy’s house and watched as Izuku gathered his things and opened the door. “Thank you, Kacchan!” He beamed at the blonde and Katsuki shot him back a small grin, waving a short hand to Izuku’s mother who stood in the doorway of their house. 

He waited until Izuku was inside before driving off. 

Katsuki was surprisingly calm on the drive back to his own house. He didn’t feel angry or sad or frustrated with himself and his complicated feelings. He was oddly… calm. 

He felt exhausted, that’s for sure. The closer and closer he got to home and his room and his bed, the more tired he got. It was shocking he hadn’t fallen asleep driving yet. 

When he finally arrived at his own doorstep, it felt like he’d traveled a million miles to just get back here. It felt like an eternity since he’d left the mall. It felt like 20 years having to drive Izuku home, and an additional 20 having to drive himself to his own house. 

He trekked his way up the stairs into his room and flopped face first onto his bed. 

And sleep was not the first thing to drift into his mind. 

So many things have happened today that he was hoping to forget about it all for a little while as he drifted into slumber. However, his mind had other plans. 

It seems like all that drowsiness that was flooding his brain on the drive home had suddenly dissipated into nothing the minute he hit his mattress. Katsuki was no longer tired. He felt wide awake as he turned onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. 

Izuku and Ochako. 

There was no doubt in the blonde’s mind that Izuku liked her. And he’d be dumb to say the girl didn’t feel the same. 

Katsuki tried his hardest to try and prevent it from happening. 

Ever since the first day he heard about her in middle school when she bumped into Katsuki and Izuku in the halls. He tried to tell Izuku he didn't like her and that she seemed annoying, because who the hell runs through the halls like that just to get to class?

And then last year when they were talking about Ejiro’s party. Izuku seemed so excited to learn the girl would be there. Katsuki tried to make it sound like the boy was crazy for liking her. He asked Izuku. 

“You like her?” He sounded almost offended but he couldn’t help it. He tried to ignore the burning rage inside of his stomach but it was too much to contain this time. 

The blonde literally asked the question to the guy's face. He couldn’t keep in the question and he had to know. Izuku claimed he didn’t. He claimed that he only adored the girl—that he thought she was sweet or kind of whatever the fuck he’d said—and nothing more. 

It was only the blonde’s fault for trying to delay this fate for too long. He tried to delay Izuku’s feelings and hers from growing too much before they actually did something about it. 

“Aughhhh.” He grabbed a pillow from under his head and tried to suffocate himself with it. Katsuki groaned into the cotton until he felt it was hopeless. 

He was only driving himself insane at this point. Thinking about the matter was only going to make things worse, but that was all he could do at the moment. 

The saying, “Expect disappointment and you’ll never be disappointed,” was a big fat lie, if you asked Katsuki. Expecting something bad didn’t make the outcome any less difficult. Just because you believed that the worst was going to happen didn’t mean it was going to be okay when it actually did. 

If anything, it made things worse. 

Because even though you told yourself that you’d be okay with losing, that you’d be okay with getting disappointed, it’s only human nature to slightly hope that without hoping, the best will come. 

When we try to force ourselves to always look at the worst in something or someone, we’re always slightly hoping that there is the smallest chance we’re wrong. 

Humans are always hoping for the opposite of what they want, Katsuki realized.

We want to tell people we’re okay. We want to tell people we don’t care. We want to act indifferent and cold and blunt just so that we don’t get hurt. We think that by acting this way we won’t get hurt. 

Because how can you hurt something that doesn’t care? If they don’t care, if they don’t get affected by your words or actions, then what’s the point? It’s like trying to nudge an immovable force with the help of exactly no one. 

So not caring seemed like the way to go. Expecting disappointment and not being disappointed when it came true was the best option. 

For some people, perhaps. 

But not Katsuki. 

Because he cared. He cared so much. He cared so much while trying to act like he didn't, that it somehow made things even worse. The more he told himself he was okay, the more he told himself that he knew it was going to happen—that he would be fine when it did, the more he told himself that things were bound to play out this way, the more he only continued to dig his grave even deeper into the earth. 

Perhaps if he truly believed that things had to play out this way, then it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe if he really believed that Izuku was better off with Ochako and not the blonde himself, then he truly wouldn’t be very disappointed. If Katsuki really believed that the two of them, Katsuki and Izuku, could stay as just friends, and the blonde would be content with just that, then he would be able to fall asleep right now. 

He wouldn’t be staring up at his ceiling, clutching a pillow to his chest like it was another human being he wished so desperately would come to embrace him right now. 

But he was no different from any ordinary human. He had feelings and he had wishes and he had hope. He hoped that things might play out a little differently. He had hoped that maybe, just maybe he could have one thing he really wanted in his life. 

He hoped that maybe by acting indifferent things would play out the way he truly wanted them to. Maybe if he acted like he didn’t care around Izuku, the other boy would become desperate and itch for more of Katsuki’s attention. Perhaps he’d notice the blonde’s cold demeanor and wish for something different. Something warmer and friendlier. 

Of course that didn’t happen. 

Izuku took this as his opportunity to reach for something different, yes. But he chose to reach in the opposite direction. Instead of in Katsuki, Izuku chased after that warmer, friendlier person in someone else. He didn't ask the blonde to change. He didn’t ask Katsuki to tell him what was wrong or if he needed to talk or if something had changed. 

Izuku simply looked past it all and assumed that everything was fine.

Because that’s what Katsuki had basically told him. The blonde acted like he didn’t care, and sent so many of the wrong signals towards Izuku that nothing ever worked out in his favor. 

And it was his own fault. Katsuki never, ever had anyone to blame other than himself.

 

-

 

The rest of summer flew by in a blur. Katsuki mostly stayed to himself the rest of the weeks. Izuku kept canceling on their plans because he was busy with shit that Katsuki didn’t have the heart to ask about. He understood now that he wasn’t the only one that was allowed to occupy Izuku’s time. And he guessed that the boy had wanted to start working on things for school to prepare himself anyways. 

They hung out maybe 3 or 4 more times before going back to school and it was at least enough to calm the blonde down from his racing thoughts that overwhelmed his mind day-by-day. 

It never felt like summer was long enough. It was a much needed break from school that was more and a couple days, but it still wasn’t enough. It was always fun while it lasted, but he dreaded the end like nothing else. Katsuki and his friends had lots of fun every year, but he wished the fun could be infinite. 

Sometimes he couldn't wait to be an adult so he could go off and do whatever he wanted. He couldn’t wait for college, even if it meant more school, because it also meant freedom. It meant he would be able to live his days how he wanted to, with the exception of having to get to classes. 

It meant that he only had a few more years of schooling before he was actually free and could start living the life he really wanted. 

Perhaps then his aching heart could have some time to heal. 

 

The first day of school was as dreadful as it always was. Katsuki dragged himself out of bed, forcing his feet to place one in front of the other so he could make it to the bathroom and wash his face. 

He was quick to whip up some eggs for breakfast and then get his stuff together before he was out the door and on his way to school. 

Katsuki was about to walk in the direction of Izuku’s house when his phone suddenly buzzed.  

 

Zuku :) : Sorry, Kacchan. I can’t walk with you today. I’ve gotta do something. 

 

Katsuki looked down at the message for a minute, contemplating how he should reply.

It was fine. It was literally fine. They didn’t always walk to school together. Ever since getting into High School, the two would still walk together most days, but they had stopped doing it every day since one or the other would occasionally have something come up. 

It was fine. 

He texted Izuku a quick “alright” and shut off his phone, turning down the left side of his driveway instead. 

He walks to school at an uneven pace. Sometimes his feet move a bit quicker than usual, but then he reminds himself that he’s in no rush. He’s in no hurry to go back to that wretched location. He’s in no hurry to go back to school for any reason at all. 

And then he speeds up again because he realizes he likes to hang out with his friends before class and he hates being late and he also just likes to be early anywhere he goes, even if that place happens to be the least pleasurable building of all time. 

He really fucking hated his brain sometimes. 

Anyways, as usual, he was early, but not earlier than most of his friends. Ejiro, Mina, Denki, Jiro, Shoto, and Ida were all there. Anyone else would probably be here later. 

“Bakugo!” Ejiro calls out when he spots the blonde. Everyone waves and the blonde nods back, his hands in his pockets. “Where’s Midoriya?”

The question sends a wave of heat throughout his body with a meaning he isn’t able to decipher. Anger? Sadness? Nervousness by the mention of Izuku?

Whatever it was, he didn't want to answer the question. But he did because he didn’t want to seem pathetic. “...Said he had something going on.”

Ejiro nodded, watching the blonde for a moment before deciding it wasn’t important. 

“Oh! Speak of the devil.” Mina beamed, pointing in a direction behind Katsuki. 

The blonde was quick to turn at the location her finger was pointed to. When he saw the boy she had been pointing at, his heart wanted to explode. 

It was Izuku. 

He was smiling and looking down at something the blonde couldn’t see from this angle. The morning light cast a beautiful halo around his body, making it seem as if the boy was glowing. His green curls looked even more vibrant at this angle and his even greener eyes shined brighter as they teared from happiness at whatever he’d been smiling and laughing at. 

Izuku was pulling at something but Katsuki couldn’t care at the moment. He wanted to bask in this sight for eternity. Izuku was so gorgeous. He was perfect in every way shape and form. 

His cheeks were tinted with a pretty pink blush that Katsuki had only grown to adore over the years. His freckles popped out on his tan skin at just the right amount. Katsuki felt like he could count each individual eyelash on Izuku’s face from here.

Hypothetically speaking, of course. 

The blonde felt that wave of heat come back as he was gifted the answer to his earlier question. 

It was definitely nervousness. 

Who the hell wouldn't get nervous at the sight of the most beautiful person in their life, though? Izuku made Katsuki feel all types of ways he never thought possible. He made the blonde angry in a way he never wanted to be. He made the blonde sad in a way that he felt like his whole world might fall apart. Izuku made Katsuki happy in a way he’d never dreamed of. 

Katsuki was so helplessly in love with this boy that he had no idea what to do with it. 

It wasn’t like he could project that love onto the other. It wasn’t like he could just let some of that love go. He couldn’t just dump a portion of this emotion down the drain like he was emptying a cup of milk. 

It wasn’t that simple. 

But oh, how he wished it was. 

And Katsuki was about to make a comment about how the two could’ve still walked to school together if Izuku was arriving at basically the same time as the blonde, when he saw it.

When Katsuki saw what Izuku had been smiling at, when the figure Izuku had been pulling at was finally revealed and the cause for those tears of joy was finally open for everyone to see, Katsuki had never wished more in that moment that he could drain all of this hopeless love out of his body. 

He never thought that he could wish these feelings would go away more than he does right now. Because before, he’d really, really wished he could just be happy with what he had. He really wished he could be okay at this distance from Izuku. 

He thought that back then he was hurting. He thought the pain that he felt when Izuku smiled and walked about Ochako was bad. He thought that his want to no longer feel this way was large before. 

But no. 

No it was not. 

He was highly mistaken. 

Because the sight before his eyes felt like a meteor crashing down over his soul. Not even his heart. Katsuki’s whole being has just been completely obliterated into a million, tiny, un-fixable pieces. 

Izuku’s fingers hooked around Ochako’s smaller hand as the girl leaned against him, smiling down at the floor and chuckling at something the boy had said. Now, Katsuki could see that both of their faces had been tinted with blush, but the blonde no longer found the sight appealing. 

He no longer adored the light pink tint on Izuku’s tan skin. He no longer saw the halo of morning light shining behind the boy, casting a glow off of his darker skin in a way that made it seem like he was crafted out of pure gold. Katsuki no longer admired those emeralds that sat in the center of Izuku's face. He no longer looked into those perfect—no, not perfect—eyes and found comfort in the natural sparkle they had to them. The emeralds he once adored and wished he could hang around his own neck seemed dull and boring. There was no worth in them anymore.

A gem he once found priceless has finally been sold. 

Katsuki couldn’t pry his eyes away. He couldn’t stop staring at her. The way she smiled and leaned against Izuku like she was just the luckiest person in the fucking world. 

Because she was. 

Ochako had won. Katsuki lost. 

He knew he’d lost a long time ago when he felt these feelings. Katsuki knew the minute he started looking at Izuku in a different, brighter light, he had already lost. 

Because this… This is the game he’d been trying to play all along. He had been shaking the dice in his hands all these years, hoping and praying that he landed on that double. He’d been shaking his hands, the small cube rattling inside as he closed his eyes. 

It was a losing game. Katsuki shook and shook those dice in his fists for as long as he could, hoping the more time he wasted, the better chance at winning he would have. 

And when he finally let them spin on the table, the numbers that showed up weren’t the ones he was hoping for. The longer he waited to roll, the longer he held back, hoping that his hope was enough, the more he’d been setting himself up for failure. 

He was already behind. He was in last place. He had no time to catch up now that his turn was over. It was up to someone else to win now. 

And that person was Ochako. 

She rolled those doubles. She picked up those winning cards. She landed in the right spot, and all the gold was finally hers. 

Izuku was hers. 

It almost felt unreal. Izuku had looked so majestic earlier in the light that Katsuki felt like he was dreaming. And then when he pulled Ochako out next to him, things felt even more fake. He wanted to believe this was all a nightmare. He was still at home sleeping, dreading the moment he had to finally wake up and go to school. He was not at school, watching as his best friend, and love of his life, walked up to their group holding the hand of someone else. Smiling at someone else. Laughing with someone else. Touching someone else with the kindness Katsuki could only ever wish for. He was not—

“I knew it!” Denki shouted, running over to the new couple first. 

He wasn’t dreaming.

As Ochako and Izuku walked over to their group, they grew quieter, shyer. It was like they had suddenly become embarrassed at the sight of their entwined hands. And Denki, the idiot he was, ran up to them the first chance he got, shocked beyond belief. Katsuki almost wanted to scoff at the scene, knowing that the idiot was probably the only one of Katsuki's closest friends that didn’t know how much the blonde was in love with Izuku. Katsuki almost wanted to chuckle at the thought. 

Almost.

Katsuki wasn’t sure if he should be mad that Mina and Ejiro stayed by his side. The looks on their faces said everything. They were shocked. They couldn't believe what they were seeing. The expression on their faces matched that of a person who’d just witnessed someone getting hit by a car. 

Because they knew. They probably knew exactly what Katsuki was feeling right now, too. They knew everything. Even if the blonde had never explicitly told them how he felt, he knew they knew. 

And although he was internally disintegrating right now, he remained expressionless. He couldn’t let anyone know. He couldn't be obvious. Because it wasn’t like he could change anything. It wasn’t like he could just walk over there, confess his undying love for Izuku, rip his and Ochako’s hands apart, and run away forever, never looking back for second-thoughts. 

“W—Wow!” Mina was the first to speak up out of the three of them. She laughed nervously, taking a hesitant step forward as she snuck a glance at the blonde. “You guys…! Wow. Just… Wow, haha…” 

Izuku gave her a ridiculous, shy smile. “Thanks, Mina.” The girl gave him a short smile in return, trying to be as kind as she could. 

And when the rest of their friend group decided to circle around the couple, Izuku took his chance to slip out. He let Ochako deal with the excited questions of Shoto and Ida and Denki. 

“Hi, Kacchan!” Izuku beamed, making his way over to the blonde and Ejiro who stood beside him.

Katsuki felt like melting. He wished his insides would dissolve faster so that he wouldn’t have to be here right now. He wished internal exploding was a natural instinct someone could achieve whenever they pleased. He wished he could explode like a phoenix so that he’d be reborn in his little nest three days from now, removing himself from this situation. 

“Sup.” Opening his mouth to speak felt like trying to move a parked semi-truck with his bare hands. 

Izuku didn’t seem to notice Katsuki’s dryness as he tried to ramble on. “Sorry we couldn’t hang out as much at the end of summer… It’s just I—”

“You were with her the whole time…” His words felt like a question and a solid answer to that question at the same time. 

And it all made so much more sense now. Of course Izuku had been spending all his time with Ochako. There was no way they would randomly start dating after their one good time at the mall. Katsuki felt like an idiot. 

How could he have overlooked that? Sure, Izuku was one who liked to be prepared for school before it even started. Katsuki was so blind to what was really going on. Izuku couldn't have been studying that whole time. He had to have been doing other things, hanging out with other people when he wasn’t with Katsuki. 

And he had been using that spare time to hang out with Ochako.

They got closer over the summer. After the mall Katsuki should’ve guessed they would try and convene again sometime after. 

It really was shocking how dumb love can make a person—how absolutely unaware of things you get when you’re so focused on one person. 

It was almost amusing the more he thought about it all. It was almost laughable the more Katsuki realized how naive he’d been this whole time. Because he was sure that if he met someone as idiotic as himself, he would laugh in their face. 

“S—Sorry, Kacchan… I guess I could’ve told you that, it’s just—I was a little embarrassed, that's all…” He tried to give the blonde a shy smile but it did nothing to alter the blonde’s feelings. 

If anything, it only added more fuel to the flame. 

Katsuki nodded once, slowly, at Izuku. He needed time to ponder things over. He needed time. Time to himself. Time to think about what he needed to do—if anything at all. He needed time away from Izuku, although he had only been around the boy for exactly five minutes this morning. He needed time to let this internal fire burn out. 

He was overheating. He was on the verge of popping/exploding/bursting, whatever it was. He needed time. 

Time for, honestly, nothing specific if he really thought about it. Yes, time to think. Yes, time to be away from Izuku and everything else. Yes, time to calm down. 

But if he really thought about it, he didn't actually know what he needed. Time just sounded and felt like the right thing. Everyone gets better with time, he figured. 

Maybe things could feel slightly less painful with time. 

Katsuki kept trying to tell himself things would get better with this or that. He always believed that things could change and he’d heal. He hoped things would slowly fade away, whether they be the pain he was constantly in when he saw Izuku all the time or the feelings for the boy that Katsuki had. He hoped at least a portion of any of it could fade. No matter what he did, he tried and tried to imagine things would improve in any way, but they never did. 

It got worse. Everything always got worse no matter what. 

So maybe time wasn’t the right answer. Maybe it wouldn’t fix any of his problems. Maybe time would only make things worse, just like everything else. 

But he needed an excuse. He needed another excuse to push things off and live in his own fantasy where things did get better. 

He needed this excuse so he could stay just a little sane for just a little longer. 

 

-

 

The rest of the day was… something. Being away from Izuku and his new girlfriend definitely helped. He still had to live with the fact that it was all real, but it was a bit better not actually having to witness it. 

He couldn’t focus, though. He would read over an equation once, forget what he was even trying to do and then re-read it. The words seemed to all jumble together, or just simply disappear. It was like he was reading too much and nothing at all at the same time. 

A two sentence question took five whole minutes for him to understand when, normally, he’d be halfway down the paper and onto the next side by now. 

It was driving him insane. He needed to go home and sit in his desk chair for a couple of hours, doing the exact same thing he was doing right now. 

For some reason, being in the comfort of his own room, reading over a paper that he couldn’t understand for the hundredth time seemed so much more relaxing than doing the same thing but at school. 

And when the last bell finally rang, he’d never packed up his bags and shot out of the door as quickly as he did today. 

Katsuki didn’t even check his phone to see if Izuku had asked to walk. 

He probably didn't anyways. Too busy with her.

He scoffed at himself for even doubting it. There was probably no point in checking his phone anymore for a text like that from Izuku. Today was just the beginning. Izuku would “gotta do something” everyday for the rest of the year if he was with Ochako. 

Katsuki walked as fast as he could back home. He didn't greet his parents back when they called to him as he arrived. He ignored their questions about the first day of school—something they rarely did, by the way—and shot straight up the stairs. 

He flung his back-pack on the floor near his bed and flopped down in his chair. The paper he was unable to do at school was lingering in his mind, telling him he should probably get it out. And he knew he should. He said he’d rather stare at the words in his room than at school. 

But now that he was finally here, he felt like staring down at his wooden desk with his head in his hands instead of at the white sheet. 

Fucking hell.

His life was so fucked up. He was so fucked up. Everything was fucked up and he only kept fucking it up more and more. 

How does one even mange to fuck up this bad? How does one even manage to put themselves through so much agony and despair that it results in them actually losing their mind? 

It seemed impossible for the blonde to let things get this bad. He was so organized and focused on everything. It all needed to be perfect. He needed perfect grades, a perfectly clean room, a perfect face, style, routine, all of it. 

So why was it that this boy, one person, was so capable of ruining everything for Katsuki? Why was it that Izuku was able to go against all of these rules Katsuki had created for himself and make a mess of it all? The one thing he actually needed to be organized and focused on, he let get out of hand the most. 

What even was it about Izuku that affected Katsuki in this way? 

His eyes, his hair, his lips, his freckles, his laugh, his smile—What? What was it? Katsuki could look at another person with green eyes and feel absolutely nothing. He could look at another person with freckles and his heart rate would stay the same. He could laugh and smile with another person without feeling like his heart was going to explode from love and joy all at once. And Katsuki had his own lips that he looked at all the time without jumping at the thought of touching them to someone else's. 

Izuku knew Katsuki his whole life and they had been tied to each other by the hip the entire time. They were always together having a great time. And Katsuki was sure that if it was anyone else, he could’ve done the same thing and the outcome would be different. 

So why was Katsuki so drawn to Izuku? Why did it have to be the one person he couldn’t have? It was something he couldn’t figure out because it just made no sense. 

Being attracted to someone and wanting to be with that person was the weirdest thing ever. Because what do you mean that Katsuki could spend every waking hour of his day with the same person and never get bored? What do you mean that he could stare into their eyes for eternity, and yet it felt like he never truly knew what the other was thinking—like he was staring into an abyss he had yet explored? What do you mean that he could feel so much for one singular person, only to have those feelings ripped apart when you saw them with someone else?

It wasn’t fair. Nothing was ever fair enough for the blonde. And he didn't care if that was selfish. He didn't care about anything anymore. He just wanted to know. He wanted the answer to all of his questions. But most importantly:

Why?

If he could figure out why, then he was sure everything else would make perfect sense. 

Because he already knew what. 

What he was in love with was Izuku’s face and smile and laugh and personality and everything about the guy. 

He already knew when. 

Katsuki had been in love with Izuku since before he could remember. Perhaps when he was younger it wasn’t as strong as it is now because he wasn’t aware of what he was feeling, but he knew it was there. 

So why. That was the treasure chest he was desperately seeking for the key to open. 

And the answer only seemed farther and farther away from being discovered the more he let it sink it. 

 

Later that night, Katsuki was still perched at his desk. However, he somehow mustered up the energy to walk over to his backpack and pull out some work to keep his mind occupied. 

He was finally able to comprehend what he was reading when the sun was starting to go down. 

So, he sat here now, arm perched on its elbow as he leaned his head on the hand attached to it, writing with the other one. His small lamp was on, giving out just enough light he would need to see what he was doing. 

It was peacefully quiet in his room and his parents had thankfully not bothered him the whole time he’d been home. 

Katsuki was so tired and so awake. He wanted to go lay on his bed but knew that as soon as he flopped down onto his back, all of that drowsiness would fade away and his eyes would be wide open as he stared up at the ceiling. 

He sighed, blinking his drooping eyes and placing down his pencil. He ran his hands through his hair and held it in his hands for a little while. 

His brain felt dead. He’d thought about too much today and it fried him to a crisp. Trying to think about anything other than what he was writing a moment before seemed impossible. It was like everything in his mind had suddenly been wiped and he was left with nothing but emptiness. 

He was staring at a blank wall in his mind, searching helplessly for some sort of crack in the concrete. However, the wall was flat. It was smooth and covered in exactly nothing. No scratches or words or even some kind of reflection. Not a single drop of color on that wall

It was soon going to eat away at him. 

As soon as Katsuki was ready to give up and lay on his bed to stare at the ceiling, his phone buzzed at the edge of the desk. He glanced at the device, debating on whether he should just ignore it and give in to what his mind and body really wanted right now. But then, like he always did, his mind also knew that there was a chance that notification could be something important—something he would regret ignoring in the morning when he checked it. 

And there was always that bubbly feeling that rushed through his body every time his phone buzzed that reminded him of the real reason he wanted to check the notification.

What if it’s him…

It felt silly to even think about that right now, given the circumstances. But he was just a boy. He was just a boy with a fragile heart and delicate feelings just like everyone else. He was just a boy with urges like everyone else.

No matter how much he tried to convince himself he could get over something, he knew he couldn’t that quickly. 

He was so pathetic. 

So, like the sucker he was, Katsuki slowly raised his head from his hands and reached over to the phone, giving into his urges. 

Sure enough, Izuku had texted him. 

 

Zuku :) : You up?

 

When he read the words, he wasn’t sure if he should feel a certain rush of life flow into his exhausted limbs, or let the wave of sadness overcome him once again. 

He wanted to talk to Izuku. He wanted to text him and smile at his responses and hear his voice. But he also knew that at this point, none of it mattered anymore. Because now, he really was just some dumb school boy with a crush. 

 

Katsuki: no

 

It took Izuku exactly 7 seconds to reply back.

 

Zuku :) : Great! Watcha doin??

 

He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t fight back the smile that tugged at his lips. Katsuki bit at his thumb nail, thinking of how he should reply.

It was so easy to forget about how madly in love he was and how much it pained him to know things could never work out. It was just so easy to slip back into the routine he was so familiar with. It was so easy to forget about the things he would surely regret later on when he was with Izuku. 

It was so easy to ignore everything else when Izuku was involved. 

Whether that be the blonde's feelings, thoughts, emotions, anything. Katsuki almost couldn’t remember why he’d been so depressed earlier that day. 

 

Katsuki: uh, sleeping?

Zuku :) : Very funny, Kacchan.

Zuku :) : Wanna call?

 

His heart started thumping harder and faster inside his chest at the question. He had a feeling the only reason Izuku had texted him so late was for something like this. And no matter how often it happened, each time he was never prepared. 

But it didn’t matter because hell fucking yeah he wanted to call Izuku. He wanted to hear the nerd's voice—whether it was tired, excited, sad, or angry—Katsuki wanted to hear it. As long as Izuku was talking to him, it didn’t matter. As long as Izuku used his lips and knowledge of words to speak to Katsuki, it didn’t matter what the hell Izuku said. 

So, Katsuki was sure Izuku knew the answer to his question. And Katsuki knew that even if he was fighting a heartbreak right now, he wouldn’t be able to say no either. Perhaps the gentle sound of Izuku’s voice this late in the day would be enough to soothe the pain. 

It’s not going to help. It’s going to make things worse. Say no. Say you’re busy. You have to go to bed. You can’t talk to him right now.

 

Katsuki: you cant call a sleeping person, idiot

 

He was losing. Katsuki was slipping. He started losing his grip the moment he opened his phone and saw Izuku’s name in his un-read messages. Katsuki’s hands began to sweat, loosening his grip the moment he opened the message. 

Fuck. 

 

Zuku :) : Hmm, you’re actually so right!

Zuku :) : You can always wake up a sleeping person, though!

Zuku :) : Guess it’s good I’m outside your window ;p

 

Hah. 

Haha, yeah that was funny. 

This was all really funny, Katsuki thought. Real fuckin’ funny. 

Izuku had begun typing out his sentences so quickly that Katsuki barely had time to keep up. And it felt like his eyes were playing tricks on him. The situation had escalated so quickly that he was sure he’d fallen asleep and didn’t actually respond to Izuku at all.

He scrunched his eyebrows, bringing the device closer to his face. The blonde refused to look over his shoulder at the window directly above the head of his bed. There was something wrong with his phone. Perhaps this was Izuku-code for, “I’ll call you in a minute!”

Izuku was not outside his window, staring over at Katsuki’s dumbfounded expression. Izuku was not outside Katsuki’s window, kneeling down on the roof, rubbing the sides of his arms due to the cold temperature of the night with his phone in one hand. Izuku was not outside Katsuki’s window, waiting patiently for the blonde to turn around and see him there, a giant, wholesome smile plastered all over his face. 

Because if he was, Katsuki was sure to slip. He had been slipping before but he was still holding on. He was still gripping the edge like his life depended on it. He wasn’t planning on letting go. He was going to fight it no matter how close the ground looked from up here. 

But now. Now that he could feel the rubble of the earth on his toes as his legs swung hopelessly over the edge, letting go seemed so easy. It would be so easy to just hop off of the edge of this cliff when the ground was so close. 

 

Zuku :) : Hehe, you look so silly right now, Kacchan.

 

He continued to stare back at the screen, thumbs hovering over it. 

 

Zuku :) : You know, if you turned around, you’d see that I’m not lying, dummy. 

 

Silence from the blonde. 

 

Zuku :) : Kacchaaaaan. Come on. It’s freezing out here!

 

He slowly turned in his rotating chair, still clutching onto his phone, his knuckles becoming white.

And there he fucking was.

Izuku was outside his window, staring over at Katsuki’s dumbfounded expression. Izuku was outside Katsuki’s window, kneeling down on the roof, rubbing the sides of his arms due to the cold temperature of the night with his phone in one hand. Izuku was outside Katsuki’s window, waiting patiently as the blonde finally turned around, a giant, wholesome smile plastered all over his face. His mind was in fact not playing tricks on him.

Katsuki let go. 

As soon as he saw the reckless idiot with his very own eyes, Katsuki jumped out of his chair and ran over to the window. He climbed on his bed and opened it, the breeze from outside flowing into his room and causing the blonde to shiver. 

Katsuki blinked up at Izuku, his thoughts on vacation for the moment because he had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to say. 

And just looking up at Izuku, he was regretting his choices. 

Here Katsuki was. Hoisted perfectly straight up on the ground, both feet planted on the earth. His fall wasn’t hard at all. Letting go was so easy. It was so easy to forget what awaited him on the floor beneath.

“Uh, hi?” Izuku said, breaking the silence. “You seem to be sleeping well.” He teased, smiling at Katsuki. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Katsuki asks, his words coming out before he could think of something better to say. 

Izuku retreats only the slightest, noticing Katsuki’s sudden tension. He looked like he may be regretting his decision to pay the blonde a visit. “Oh—I… Um, s—sorry, I didn’t think you’d mind—”

Katsuki watched as Izuku stuttered over his words, quickly averting to his old ways. He remembered exactly who he was speaking to and suddenly it all came back to him. It was Izuku. His best friend. The boy he’s known his whole life. 

The boy he’s been in love with his whole life.

“Never mind. S’fine.” He interrupted Izuku before the boy could continue to nervously explain himself. Katsuki pushed himself off of his bed and out the window to be beside Izuku. The greenette moved to the side to make room for the blonde as they scooted up more on his roof. 

They moved in silence, Izuku seemingly not feeling as excited as he did before. Katsuki felt guilty. Katsuki hadn’t been in the greatest mood at all today. If anything, this was the worst fucking day of his life. But he didn’t want to make it obvious. He didn't want to hurt Izuku, no matter how badly he was hurting himself. 

Why’d he have to be such an ass all the time? Why did he have to let his feelings get in the way of everything? He always talked about how much he cared about Izuku and how much he loved the boy, but this was how he treated him. 

He always wished for a shot with Izuku, but he never did much to prove he deserved it. 

And now, they sat on his roof, a moment not unlike many others they’ve shared. But this time it was quiet. 

They would sit up here for hours before, minimal words exchanged, just enjoying the company of the other. 

But now… The quiet was different. This wasn’t the peaceful silence that they both longed for before. This wasn’t two boys sitting on a roof together, basking in the comfort of the other’s presence. 

No, this silence was too silent. It was too much. This silence was deafening and it sent shock waves through Katsuki’s brain that he didn’t appreciate very much. 

And he knew Izuku could sense it too. Although he may be feeling a bit awkward for all different reasons, Katsuki was sure the boy could tell something was off. 

And when Izuku shifted closer, his shoulder brushing against Katsuki’s as he rested his head on the blonde’s shoulder, everything seemed to come back to him. The chirps of crickets in the night, the rush of leaves on the trees outside, the occasional car passing by. 

It was like he’d finally been given hearing-aids after being deaf his entire life. It was like he’d been re-awaken from a deep slumber after many, many years of darkness. 

The rush of wind from the cool evening air seemed to stop and all the heat from the summer flooded into Katsuki’s body. He was heating up at an abnormal rate now and he couldn’t stop it. His heart burst in ways he knew weren't healthy. Nothing about Izuku was ever healthy for the blonde. 

It was small moments like these, small gestures from the other that did things to Katsuki, things he wished he could brush away. 

“Are you mad at me?”

Five words. 

It was only five words that Izuku had suddenly spoken to break the silence, and it was five words the blonde never expected to hear.

Katsuki frowns, turning his head slightly to get a glimpse of Izuku’s curls on his shoulder. “What?” The blonde asks. 

Izuku takes a moment to respond, perhaps wondering if he should continue. “At school earlier… You seemed upset when you found out I’d hung out with Ochako for the last little bit of summer.” He goes quiet for a moment and Katsuki feels like there’s more he’s going to say so the blonde stays quiet. “And… it didn’t seem like you wanted to hang out right now.” 

Katsuki looks back at the sky, guilt like never before washing over him. 

He felt guilty acting rude to Izuku when the boy suddenly appeared at his window tonight. And he was feeling even more guilty when he figured out that his dryness this morning was hurting Izuku too. 

He thought the boy wouldn't notice. He thought Izuku would brush it off as Katsuki just being Katsuki. The blonde was normally dry or trying to act indifferent about most things. 

He didn’t think Izuku would even care. 

But he couldn’t help it. Katsuki couldn’t help it if he was being extra dry today. He couldn’t help it if he was acting a bit petty, just like he couldn’t help these feelings. He couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard he tried. 

“You’re my best friend, you know that right?” Izuku says after Katsuki doesn’t respond or try to tell Izuku he was wrong. 

And after that, he doesn’t want to say anything. He doesn’t want to reply to Izuku. He doesn’t want to acknowledge the boy’s words. He doesn’t want to agree, he doesn’t want to pretend like he’s okay with that. He doesn’t want to pretend anymore that he’s okay with just being Izuku’s best friend. He doesn’t want to do anything. He wants to freeze up, fall off the roof, and die. 

Izuku was his best friend. He reminded himself that every day. Izuku was his best friend, his childhood friend. And clearly Izuku thought the same thing. 

Except he didn’t. 

He didn’t think the same thing as Katsuki. He didn't think the same way as Katsuki. 

Izuku had a girlfriend. 

The greenette lifts his head off of Katsuki's shoulder and the blonde feels like all the warmth in his body had suddenly been sucked out. He was perfectly aware now that the breeze outside was capable of making him shiver. Izuku turns to get a better look at the blonde, tilting his head so he’s in front of Katsuki’s face. 

“Kacchan?” He says, so, so innocently. He says it so wholesomely. Like he cares. Like he actually fucking cares about Katsuki and it’s the worst thing the blonde has ever heard. 

Maybe if Izuku was just a little bit harsher. Maybe if he was a bit ruder to the blonde when he was being rude too. Maybe if Izuku pushed him away when he was being mean and selfish instead of always forgiving him. Maybe that way, Katsuki wouldn’t suffer like this. 

He rips his eyes away from the stars, only to find himself glancing at a galaxy of freckles and two bright emeralds. Izuku’s eyebrows were pinched up just a little bit to show he was concerned with the way Katsuki was acting right now. 

He didn’t know how to feel looking at Izuku’s face again. He thought he hated those jewels. He thought he hated the pattern of dots scattered across Izuku’s face. He thought he could ignore the natural glow that the other boy had. 

He thought whatever spark he had had flickered out this morning when he saw Izuku and Ochako holding hands. 

So, Katsuki stared back. He wasn’t trying to hide the hurt in his eyes. Katsuki was hurt. And he hated bottling all of that shit up. He hated it. It was so unfair. 

Still, he said nothing. 

Then he started to cry. He cried and cried until he couldn't keep himself together. He cried until his entire body shook. He cried until he had to bury his face in his palms, his shoulders tensely moving up and down as he tried to figure out how to breathe correctly. He cried until his entire face was moist from the salty water escaping his eyes. He cried until he felt the warmth of Izuku wrap around him, sheltering him from this cruel, cruel world. 

The comfort made it worse, just like everything else Izuku had done. 

“Get the fuck off me!” He shouts, shoving Izuku back. He’s wiping at his face now, sniffing, trying to hide the evidence. 

The action was useless.

Izuku stumbled back only a little, catching himself on his hands. His eyes were wide with shock, his lips parted. 

“Kacchan…?” Izuku says, as if the word might punch him in the gut.

“Don't—! Don’t… touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again. Never…” He says, out of breath, clutching his shirt. He’s looking at Izuku in a way he hopes he’ll never be capable of seeing himself. “Ever…”

His eyes began to water again. He felt the sting in the back of his throat. The slickness from the water threatening to drip down his flustered cheeks. He tried to fight it. He tried to hold it back, because he knew that once he allowed the stream to flow, he wouldn't be able to hold it back. He wouldn't be able to rebuild the dam he’d spent so many years crafting. 

“Kacchan, what…? Why—” Izuku asked, his voice hurt. 

Katsuki was in pain. He was in so much pain. He was in so much pain that it dulled his senses. He couldn't think, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel. He was numb. He knew he was crying again. He knew he was shaking and sobbing and sniffing. He couldn't stop. 

And Izuku was there. Once again. His arms around the blonde. He encompassed Katsuki in a tight hug, resisting the weak blows the blonde threw at his chest. Izuku ignored the way Katsuki shoved at him, trying to remove his sturdy arms from around the boy's body. Izuku ignored the way Katsuki weakly shouted at him to go away, to not touch him, to just leave him alone. He was fine. He didn’t need your pity. 

“Please—” The blonde begged, his voice muffled in Izuku’s shirt. 

Izuku only held him tighter. And fuck, why did he have to be such a good person? Why did Katsuki have to fall for someone as kind and sweet and loving and gentle and handsome as Izuku? 

He eventually gave up. He was too exhausted to keep fighting, and crying only made him more weak. Katsuki gripped the front of Izuku’s shirt, the fabric already soaked through with tears that Katsuki couldn’t care to feel guilty about this time. 

He’d spent up all of his guilt for the day. 

“It’s okay…” Katsuki barely heard the other whisper, gently rubbing the blonde’s back. “I’m right here, okay? Please, Kacchan, don’t push me away. Okay? Never. I’m not going to leave you. Just talk to me.” 

One shot to the chest. 

“You’re my best friend. My best person.” 

Another shot. 

“I love you so much, Kacchan. So, so much. I care so much about you. Please don’t be like this. I want you to be okay. I’m always going to care for you.” 

A third shot and Katsuki was shocked he was still alive and breathing. 

Three shots to the heart by the one person he thought would never hurt him. Three shots to the chest he never thought he’d have to take this early on in life. 

 

“I love you so much, Kacchan. So, so much. I care so much about you.”

 

And shit. It was funny how this was all playing out, really. Because Katsuki truly believed his whole life that Izuku would never hurt him. He truly believed that the boy was incapable of such actions. He really thought his mother was insane for speaking such things all those years ago. 

 

“Y’know I care about you, Kats, no matter how harsh I may act sometimes. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

 

God, how he thought she was out of her mind. He thought she was spouting complete, utter nonsense. Because of course Izuku wouldn’t hurt him. Izuku was kind and caring and never wanted to hurt anyone. But he did. Whether Izuku knew it or not, he was causing Katsuki so much hurt and agony right now that it was unbearable. 

Each word that he spoke, each syllable, each enunciation, each sound was another bullet to Katsuki’s already bleeding out heart. 

It felt like a lie. It felt like he was dreaming. Like maybe none of this was real. Like maybe it wasn’t Izuku’s fault because the guy really just wanted Katsuki to be okay. Maybe Izuku did care about him and never meant to hurt him.

And he was probably right. Izuku probably was looking out for a friend who was hurting and didn’t want Katsuki to feel like that, no matter the source of the emotions. 

Katsuki was hurting himself. 

The only reason any of this was happening wasn’t because of what Izuku had done. It wasn’t because Izuku was a terrible person who was playing with the blonde’s feelings. It wasn’t Izuku’s fault at all. 

And Katsuki always knew this to be the truth. 

No matter what he tried to believe, it had always been his fault from the start.

Notes:

poor Kats :(. he's seriously making things worse for himself istg...

but guys did I cook with the "A gem he once found priceless has finally been sold"???? Like when I was writing that I cant even tell you how much I felt like freaking Shakespeare. anyways, maybe im glazing myself too much.

I hope this chapter was enough to fulfill your needs as you wait for the next chapter!!!!!! trust me, it only gets sadder from here...

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