Intoxicated

by anesotis

Summary:

Life inside the City is heaven, life Outside is hell. That's what he's been taught growing up.
Except to Mahiro, even in the City life has always been a nightmare. Unable to let anyone close due to the toxin running through his body, the toxin that has killed his mother, he's nothing more than a hazard to those around. Only his best friend Kaoru manages to make him feel normal, like he belongs somewhere. But this fleeting dream is about to end, as unlike other people with loving parents, all that awaits him after graduation is the military, his certain death.

At least that's what he thinks, until he is offered a different option. And he knows it's his only way forward.

Notes:

Ok so. I watched Arcane, years ago, and this AU started forming. Then Red Toxic got released and I had the idea of "what if Mahiro is toxic to others". Then I combined the two, let them brew in my head for way too long, discussed the mess with Ao (thank you SO much for listening to my rambles and giving me valuable advice), and here we are. I promise I'll finish this one. For now I'll just leave the first chapter as an appetiser while I wriggle myself through the rest of the story to hopefully update this regularly. Have fun (?)!

Chapter 1: Farewell

“Get up!” A voice, void of all emotions, cuts through the cool evening air. Mahiro pushes himself up as fast as he can. Not fast enough for the silver-haired, uniformed man in front of him however, it seems.

“Recruit Yuuki. If you keep up this performance, you won’t even last a day out in the real world. Try again.”

“Yes, Lieutenant Hinagi, Sir!”

It’s always the same. All he can do is silently endure until their training session is over. So, he grits his teeth and doesn’t give in. After all, training with Lieutenant Hinagi may be brutal, but he knows that the real hell is still waiting for him: The military. Or rather, the “self-defense unit” of their city, keeping them safe from whatever goes on behind the high wall surrounding it.

He merely has a couple of days left until he graduates high school, and then he will have to enlist full-time, under General Karasuma, known for his cold-bloodedness and the high success rate of his missions. He’s also known for taking no mercy on newcomers. Mahiro has seen him only a couple of times before, but even from a distance, he can tell that if there’s any person in this world he wants to avoid more than his father, it’s this man.

He wishes there was another option for him. The option of leading a normal life in the City, of being useful to their society without having to use violence.

Staying with those he cares about, his first and only friends in this place: Chise, a bright and fashionable young man who has graduated just a year ago; he hasn’t seen him ever since, but he dearly hopes he’s leading a happy life at university.

And Kaoru. The student who transferred in the middle of the year, always using formal language with him despite being older, with the brightest blue eyes and the gentlest of smiles. The boy who has always been there for him, who doesn’t buy into any of the rumours, who doesn’t judge. Who comforts him when he is drowning in doubts, and who Mahiro can comfort when he feels overwhelmed. His best friend. He will make a good doctor one day, Mahiro knows it. It’s a pity he will never get to see it himself. At least he still has those few days left with him, and he vows to treasure every second together. Like today, when Kaoru had proudly presented him his newest cookie-creation during lunch break and they had chatted about the most mundane things over meal, avoiding the topic of their upcoming graduation like a landmine.

But as much as he likes Kaoru, he knows that in the end, being away from him will be for the better. After all, Mahiro is a living hazard to those around him if he isn’t careful. A human with toxin running through his very body, who has killed his own mother. There is no place on earth he can and should exist, and his father makes sure to remind him of that by leaving him no other option than to find his certain death on the battlefield, sooner or later.

 

“How was school?”

Chihiro leans lazily against the counter, watching Mahiro chop vegetables.

“The same as always.”

“You were all alone again?”

“What else would you expect? Nobody can get close to me anyway. It’s better this way.”

Chihiro smiles pityingly and approaches his younger brother to wrap his arms around his shoulders. Mahiro tries to ignore the pressure and continues to slice onions into tiny cubes. The rhythmic sound of metal hitting the wood with every precise movement of his hand fills his entire body, leaving no room to care about the stinging pain in his eyes.

He never cries. He can’t.

Unlike his brother, who is able to charm anyone into acting as he wishes by just as much as placing a gallant kiss atop their hand, Mahiro is a living curse, a demon.

“Oh Mahiro, I can’t help but feel so sorry for you. You’re right, you can’t let anyone get close unless you want to hurt them, or even worse…” his brother's voice trails off for a second as he let his fingers play with Mahiro’s dishevelled hair.

The stinging in the redhead's eyes worsens, so he quickly finishes his work and tosses the cubes into the pan. He’s used too much force, because a few pieces slip out. He puts them back in with before walking over to the sink to wash his hands, his brother still trailing behind him, unbothered.

“But luckily, you have me~ Our toxins neutralise each other, so we can always stay together. Right, Mahiro?”

Mahiro doesn’t say anything, but his brother uses it as an invitation to continue.

“Even if no one will ever be there for you, I will~,” he says sweetly, before placing a kiss on Mahiro’s cheek. “Don’t forget that alright?”

 

Mahiro knows his brother had been right.

After all, he’s learnt his lesson, too many times.

His mother had been so young when she passed away after caring for him day in and out. He will never forget how hurt his brother had looked, how even if he hadn’t said it, his eyes had betrayed his feelings towards Mahiro. Like his father, he blamed him. Everyone did.

But unlike everyone else, Chihiro still decided to stay by his side.

He comforted him when he ran home from kindergarten because he’d hurt the nurse who tried to wipe his tears. That’s when he learnt that he couldn’t cry.

He helped him get through the experience of leaving a classmate in primary school in agony by simply holding his hand for too long. That’s when rumours started spreading, and he became an outcast among everyone.

And he was there for him when a girl surprisingly tried to kiss him in middle school, causing her so much pain he had to bring her to the infirmary. That’s when he started wearing facemasks frequently, and his peers decided he was a freak.

Chihiro had always been there for him. Until he disappeared, without so much as a word, leaving Mahiro all alone.

He often wishes Chihiro were still with him. So he can tell him that he’s gotten better at dealing with his condition. That finally, he’s made friends who don’t care about rumours. That for the first time, he feels less alone. But Chihiro is gone, and Mahiro is on his own.  

 

-

 

He can feel every muscle aching after the Lieutenant lets the recruits off his hook and drags himself back through the broad streets of the City, lined with white houses glowing in the light of the rising moon. It’s only half an hour to go until curfew, so he forces his sore body to speed up, not even having the energy to think anymore. He just wants to sleep. Forever, preferably.

Suddenly, he stumbles. As he musters his last strength to brace himself for the collision with the hard pavement, strong arms catch his fall. He can hardly look up to get a glimpse at whoever saved him from more pain before he is already being dragged away, a gloved hand covering his mouth.

His senses flare up at once, adrenaline pumping through his exhausted body. A kidnapping?! But before he can do anything, the person has already disappeared into a dark alleyway with him, and whispers very quietly:

“I know where Chihiro is.”

Mahiro freezes. He hasn’t heard this name in years. Not since his brother’s disappearance, and up to this very day, everyone around him believes he’s dead. Everyone except for Mahiro.

So who on earth is this guy and what does he know about his brother? 

The other releases him and he can finally turn to look at him properly. His green hair and a black facemask cover up everything except his left eye. Quite trustworthy, huh. Mahiro instantly gets his inner defences up again, just to be safe.

“What do you mean?” he then takes the risk, asking the most neutral question he can think of.

 “You’re his little brother, Mahiro, right? Hiro and I were classmates in high school,” the other man explains openly. He seems to want Mahiro to trust him. But Mahiro isn’t that easy to have, especially not in a situation like this.

“So? Chihiro is dead.”

“You don't really believe that, do you?… As I said, I know where he is. But I need your help, so that’s why I was hoping to find you here,” he keeps vaguely explaining.

“And you are?”

The man’s eyebrows furrow a little, then wrinkles start forming in the corners of his eyes and he pulls down his mask.

“Sorry, that was rude. I’m Kagekawa Ryoga. Used to be a normal guy, researcher, actually. Until Hiro disappeared. I know you’re a good person, been watching over you. He asked me to. So I know you’re the right one to help me find him.”

Mahiro stares at him for a good minute, trying to process everything. If he gets it right, and if this stranger isn’t lying, he has not only known Chihiro, but has been stalking Mahiro for what, the past two years? He doesn’t like this situation, but at the same time, he can feel something well up inside him. It’s hope. Hope to change something about his life, hope that maybe, just maybe there is another way. He quickly shakes off the feeling.

“So you’re a stalker.”

The older man’s eyes widen, then he scratches his head nervously.

“If you put it like that… I wasn’t planning to be, though. I just promised him to keep an eye on you, to make sure you’re well.”

Mahiro sighs.

“That aside, when you say you need my help, what exactly do you mean? And why did you have to kidnap me to ask me that?”

The green-haired man plays with his fringe, avoiding Mahiro's eyes.

“I would need you to… leave the city, with me. I know it’s sudden, but I can’t stay here for long. The government doesn't really, uhm, like me, so… if I don’t hide, they’ll lock me up. Or execute me. I didn't mean to kidnap you, I just saw no other way to talk to you without being caught.”

Mahiro swallows. A criminal, great. 

“Leave the City? You mean go to the Outside? When and why?”

“That’s where Hiro is. I know how it sounds, but I don't have much time, and I need you to come with me. Please...”

It’s too vague, and Mahiro’s tired brain fails to make sense of all the information, so he just asks the only question that feels important to him:

“Why should I trust you?”

Ryoga remains silent for a moment, before he lets his hand sink into his pocket, and pulls out his briefcase. He opens it to present a photograph to Mahiro, who in turn gasps quietly.

“This is all the proof I have.”

It’s a picture of the same guy standing in front of him, only younger and with a patch covering his right eye. Next to him, the nostalgic image of a slightly shorter man with features resembling those of Mahiro.

The redhead can’t help but reach out his hand and gently trace the features of his missing brother with his fingertips. This is the only hint he’s found since his disappearance. He doesn’t want to let go of it so easily, so he looks up at the green-haired man and says:

“One week. Please give me one week. I’ll think about it and come back here to give you my answer. Is that alright?”

The taller man seems to calculate something mentally, then nods in relief.

“Yes, that should work out. I’ll try my best to be here.”

 

The fatigue comes crashing down on him like a wave after the adrenaline kick wears off. Mahiro wants to mull over Ryoga’s offer in his mind, but the thoughts turn into mush. He barely makes it back to the student dormitory on time, not even changing his clothes before falling into bed and passing out instantly. He’ll think about all of this another day. Possibly after getting an energy-recharge from a pleasant conversation with his favourite person. 

 

-

 

As much as Mahiro wants to treasure the time, as quickly it passes, and merely a week later, their graduation day arrives.

He can’t get rid of the lump in his throat when they sing together for the last time, when he gets his certificate handed out, when Kaoru holds their final speech. It all seems so fleeting, passing like a whirlwind of colours and sounds and emotions that he can’t hold onto, can’t store away safely, slipping through his fingers like sand. He wants to cry, but his cursed condition has long forced him to forget how to, so he just stands there watching as the last moments of his youth fade away in front of his eyes.

Only when Kaoru comes over and asks him to accompany him for a while he manages to fight the lump in his throat and follows him quietly over the school grounds and into the backyard.

They just stand there in silence surrounded by tall, white buildings, listening as a breeze gently rustles through the treetops, together one last time, and the lump thickens, threatening to choke Mahiro.

“I… thank you for the time together,” he then manages to whisper, eyes fixed at the grass, averting Kaoru’s. “It was fun, and … I wish you the best for your future.”

The other doesn’t reply. Instead, he draws near, slowly, and only when his hand touches Mahiro’s he realises that this is the closest they’ve ever been. The closest anyone has ever been to him in years.

“Kaoru…?”

But when he looks up to finally meet the other’s eyes, instead of an answer he can feel soft lips grazing his, a touch so gentle and fleeting he might have just imagined it, but then the feeling returns and takes on more shape, and his heart stops for a second.

Kaoru is not simply close. He’s in direct contact with his toxin. 

Mahiro has hurt someone, again.

Panicking, he weakly pushes the taller boy away, who in turn stares at him with wide eyes. He looks alright, maybe the contact wasn’t long enough, and Mahiro can’t remember if he’s wetted his lips before, so there is a chance he wasn’t affected. Not affected yet. But he can’t risk anything, his past trauma threatening to overwhelm him with anxiety, so he takes a step back in fear, swallowing thickly.

Suddenly, a sharp pain takes form in his chest, and he realises what has actually just happened, his own condition aside.

Kaoru has kissed him. He likes him. As more than just a friend, probably.

He swallows again and tries to control his breath.

What is he supposed to say now? It must’ve looked like he doesn’t like Kaoru – which is not the case. Not at all. But he knows that acknowledging the feelings that have been quietly sprouting in his heart is no option. Not for him.

So he musters all his strength and manages to whisper “I’m sorry” before turning around and taking off. After all, there is no future for “them”, but he wants Kaoru to have one. One without pain. So maybe disappearing is the best he can do. It’ll spare Kaoru the news of his death.

 

Breathless, he returns to the dorm, hastily exchanges his uniform for more practical clothes, grabs his necessities and heads out to the place where he met Ryoga a week ago. He’s made his decision.

 

-

 

Kaoru stands there, paralysed. He can still feel the taste of the kiss lingering on his lips. A kiss he cannot remember initiating, yet he feels himself yearning to experience it again. As much as he likes the other, he has never dared wishing for him and Mahiro to be together, never gathered the courage to confess. And yet, he has just kissed him.

Then, the fluttering feeling in his stomach twists into a sickening nausea as he stares at his hand, the tip of a dagger peeking out of his sleeve. His legs give away under him and he collapses onto the floor. With the realisation settling in, he throws up.

Chapter 2: Outside

“Do you ever… wonder what’s behind the wall?” Mahiro asks lost in thought, staring outside the window and at the impenetrable white monument of the last war, towering in the distance like the end of the world. Of their world, at least.

He and Kaoru are on their way back from Social Studies, making their way through the immaculate, long hallways of the state-run school. The busy chattering of other students, all dressed in clean, bright uniforms, drowns out his voice, but Kaoru, who is walking right next to him, still hears him.

“What do you mean?” 

“Ah, just… Don’t you ever wonder if what they tell us about the Outside is all there is to it? That it’s dark and full of criminals…?”

“Do you think differently?”

Kaoru looks at him wide-eyed, head tilted in question, and Mahiro immediately regrets asking.

“Ah, it’s alright, forget about it! It was a stupid question.”

They keep walking wordlessly for a while, before Kaoru breaks the silence again.

“I don’t usually think much about it… I’m just glad I get to live….”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have started—”

“But I do wonder if I’m too selfish… If there’s people suffering because I’m doing well… I want this world to be fair, more than anything.”

Mahiro stares at his friend in surprise. Then, he nods.

“Me too.”

He can’t shake off the feeling that they’re living trapped in a cage, unable to see beyond the borders of their small world, taught to fear the Outside none of them has ever seen before. Trained to fight whoever lives there without even knowing anything about these people. It feels wrong, somewhere deep inside. As if the truth is hidden away from them, just waiting to be uncovered one day.

 

-

 

It seems that day has finally come.

Mahiro swallows, trying not to be overcome with fear when thinking about the Outside.

When he had arrived at the place he’d last seen Ryoga at, nobody had been there at first and he had already started worrying it might have been a trap, but then then he’d finally seen a green-haired head appear from behind a corner beckoning to follow him. He could see Ryoga's eyes reflecting his own relief.

They are making their way through small and empty alleys, hiding into the shadows of the tall buildings, neither of them speaking a word. Mahiro doesn’t know if the other man notices that he's not in a mood to talk and keeps quiet for his sake, or if he just doesn’t have anything to say. But when he notices him nervously fidgeting with his gloves, he knows it’s the former and relaxes a little. Still, he keeps his hand on the knife hidden in his pocket, as a precaution. Recruits aren’t allowed to carry weapons, so this is all he could bring to defend himself. He mentally thanks his brother for gifting it to him a few years ago, even though back then he’s hoped he’d never need to make use of it.

He’s decided to dress in dark colours just like Ryoga, hiding his bullet-proof vest underneath a jacket. Wearing his uniform seemed disadvantageous when going Outside, so he limited himself to bringing only this one piece of protective gear. Other than that, a ration of energy bars, a water flask and some small, important items were stowed away in the many pockets of his pants and jacket. He was surprised by how easy it had been to pick what to take with him, but then, he’s never owned much to begin with.

They’re slowly getting closer to the solid wall, marking the end of the City and the beginning of the Outside.

He knows that once behind this wall, there is no coming back, except for soldiers. Therefore, all the stories he’s heard about the Outside are tales spread by the military and government. That it’s a dark and dirty place of betrayal, robbery and murder, pollution and hostile living conditions. That people from the Outside should never get in, or the city’s safety will be in danger. He was smarter than to rely on this propaganda, but it was still hard to shake off the fear it caused when he’s never heard anything else.

Ryoga seems to feel his inner turmoil, because he turns to him and whispers:

“Don’t trust anything you hear. Neither about the City, nor the Outside.”

“You’ve been down there?” Mahiro asks in return. The taller man nods.

So there are ways back for someone from the City. Mahiro feels a tiny spark of relief but then remembers that even if he can go back physically, there is no place for him in this world anymore. There never has been to begin with. Yet, knowing that there could be an option to ever see Kaoru again alleviates some of the pain in his heart. Even if it’s just an empty delusion.

 “Also,” Ryoga then adds, “this goes for people too. Don’t trust anyone. Not even me.”

Mahiro snorts.

“Don’t you want me to trust you, though?”

Ryoga makes a pained face, then turns towards the wall.

“If you don’t wanna follow me, it’s fine. I’m not forcing you.”

“I have nowhere to go, anyway,” Mahiro mutters. “Let’s do it.”

Ryoga looks at him again, eyebrows raised in something akin to surprise.

“Can climb?” he then asks.

Mahiro looks at the wall, then at Ryoga in disbelief.

“Yeah, but not that high?! You know it’s higher than any building except the government tower—”

Ryoga laughs and shakes his head.

“Sorry, I was kidding. Well, you could climb it, but you’d get caught immediately. For us, the only way out is below, not above,” he then explains and crouches down. Only now Mahiro notices the small grating in the wall leading into a drainage and a feeling he knows all too well overcomes him. He’s used to crawling through the dirt, so he should get over it. It’s where he belongs.

He is amazed at the fact that Ryoga manages to squeeze himself through the opening despite his broad shoulders, but when he follows, he realises that it’s not as narrow as he thought. Still, the darkness in front of him and the walls to either side are uncomfortably close, and he hurries to follow the other man as hears the grating fall back into place.

He doesn’t know how much time passes as they are just crawling through the darkness on all fours, until suddenly, Ryoga whispers to turn left. When Mahiro reaches into the darkness, his empty hand tell him that there’s neither walls in front of him, to his left, nor his right anymore. It must be a maze, he realises. He can feel a cool draft hitting his nape, making him shiver, but he keeps following the other man.

After what feels like an eternity, he can hear the clinking of metal, and the sound of a key opening a lock, before a faint glow of light envelops them. After crawling out of the narrow tunnel, Mahiro stares at the scenery in amazement.

They’re in an underground area full of pipes and canals and ladders leading away from them and into the darkness, the cool and moist silence only being interrupted by the sound of water dripping. The only light source seems to be natural daylight falling in through other metal gratings and small openings in the ceiling.

It takes them another eternity to navigate through the seemingly endless labyrinth, descending further down into the darkness. Mahiro almost bumps into the other man when he suddenly stops in front of a door and pulls out another key.

“Behind this is the Outside,” he warns, and Mahiro swallows. Finally.

“Stick close to me and talk to nobody. Try to be as inconspicuous as possible.” he says. Mahiro nods, then pulls the hood of his jacket over his head.

The door opens with a creak, and they slip out into the darkness. Or rather, a dark backyard.

 

For a moment, Mahiro thinks they must have spent hours inside the weird canal-system, as the world outside is almost as dark as the tunnels. But then he looks up, and he can see an orange afternoon sky through the smog hanging over their surroundings.

He turns back to Ryoga, who’s disappeared into an old shack, rummaging through something until he returns with an elongated bag that he hides under his cloak. Mahiro doesn’t ask what’s inside, he can tell. Behind them, he can recognise the backside of the wall. It’s not as white as from the inside, and it seems even taller from down here, but it’s most definitely the border.

So they have really made it to the Outside.

Mahiro inhales deeply, but immediately regrets his decision as he coughs, his lungs not used to the amount of pollution. Now he knows why Ryoga is still wearing his facemask. The tales he’s had to learn for his many  exams keep ringing in his head, seemingly confirmed, but he tries to stifle those thoughts. Aside from the smog and darkness, nothing seems to be as scary as he’s imagined it to be. Not yet, at least.

As they step out of the backyard and into another alleyway, it gets a little brighter and Ryoga decisively leads them through empty, dusty streets. Or at least seemingly empty, because after Mahiro gets used to their surroundings a little, he notices movements in the shadows every now and then, too small and quick to be caused by a human. He shudders and hurries to catch up to the older man, pulling his sleeve.

“Where are we going?” 

Silence. Mahiro pulls again, stronger this time.

“Ryoga-san. Explain yourself.”

“I… don’t know yet.”

“You said you know where he is, right?” Mahiro asks, exasperated.

No answer.

“Don’t tell me you lied!”

Ryoga finally turns around and looks at him.

“I wasn’t— It wasn’t a lie. He’s alive, and he must be here, I’m sure. But getting you out of there was my priority.”

Mahiro’s eyes widen. But before he can collect his thoughts, Ryoga freezes and then signals him to be quiet.

When Mahiro looks in the same direction, he realises that their way is blocked by a shadow. No, a person, blending into the twilight.

“What do you want here?” a male voice asks, tone threatening.

Before Mahiro can say anything, Ryoga steps in front of him protectively.

“Chill man, we’re just passing through.”

“Upper city people. Passing through. Don’t make me laugh,” the other responds, and before Mahiro can even react, a knife blinks at the green-haired man’s throat.

“Get out. You’re in my way.”

The red-haired cannot judge the feelings of the older man looking down at the attacker who is a good head shorter than him.

Before anything can happen though, the stranger curses and takes off, leaving them as if nothing had happened. Mahiro turns around and can barely see a shimmer of white disappear behind a corner, followed by the shadow who attacked them just a moment earlier.

Without thinking twice, he chases after them.

“Wait!” he can still hear Ryoga’s voice, but he’s already made it into the next street, hand clenched around the handle of his knife.

Something about the attacker has felt familiar. It’s not like Mahiro knows him. But the desperation in his young voice is something he understands all too well.

He shoots around another two corners before he catches up to the stranger, but what he sees is unexpected.

The stranger who had just attacked them is merely a boy, green eyes gleaming furiously at another stranger who has him pinned to the ground, a gun pointed to his head. The second man’s hair and skin are eerily pale, contrasting the dark colour of his clothes. By now Mahiro feels like everyone in this place is wearing something dark, and considering their environment, it makes sense.

“Give him back!” the shorter man – or rather, boy, hisses, but the white man’s face shows no emotion.

“I don’t know… what you mean,” he then says, his voice as empty as his expression.

“Stop fucking with me! Give my brother—give Toki back!”

The gun clicks as the safety catch is released. Before Mahiro can even think, he jumps in between them, his heart beating wildly and knife pointed at the white-haired man.

To his surprise, his opponent just shrugs nonchalantly and puts his weapon away, then turns around and disappears into the shadows, leaving the two of them in confusion. Or, one of them at least.

“I’ll get him back!” the boy behind Mahiro yells trying to get up, but then the strength seems to leave his body, and he sinks down, head buried in his arms.

Mahiro kneels and quickly checks if the other, who raises his head again and looks at him defensively, seems to be injured.

“What do you want?!”

“I want to find my brother, too.”

There’s a short silence, before the other’s features soften a little and he snorts.

“And why are you telling me this? Rich boy,” he says, fixing the bandana holding back his fluffy, brown hair.

“Because I think maybe we could help each other. Or well, for now I could help you with this, at least?” he points to the other’s shoulder.

“How did you—”

“Know it was injured?” Mahiro smiles. “My best friend wants to be a doctor. I helped him study for his exams, so I know my fair share.”

The shorter boy looks at him, visibly dazzled, but then accepts the hand Mahiro is offering him to pull himself up.

“I’m Mahiro. From the City, but I’ve got nowhere to be anymore,” he explains truthfully.

“Haruta,” the boy just says, staring right into Mahiro with his piercing eyes.

“If this world has no place for you, you make yourself one. I’ll take you to mine, until you learn this,” he then says, before looking over Mahiro’s shoulder.

“What about this guy, though.”

Only now Mahiro remembers Ryoga, who’s been standing behind them just watching this whole time. His expression tells of his exasperation.

“I thought we talked about—”

“About what? Not trusting anyone? The same goes for you, then. Until you talk, I decide who I trust,” Mahiro snaps.

The green-haired man snorts, then looks at Haruta.

“If you do anything to him I will—”

“Yeah yeah, save yourself the breath. If you don’t come with me, you’ll die. I can tell you’re not used to this place,” he says, then starts walking away.

“It’s your choice.”

Mahiro hurries to catch up with him, shooting an intense glare at Ryoga. The older man gets his hint and follows them, sighing.

The redhead can feel something well up inside him, and it takes him a while to realise that it’s relief, mixed with satisfaction. So the Outside is different than they had been told all those years. There are people here, just like them. And maybe his brother is among them.

Notes:

I remember doodling Haruta with a bandana for my first ideas for this story way before the "Room" visual was released, so I was really excited about his outfit there! That's my boy!

Ryoga being awkward and keeping things to himself, causing Mahiro to think he's lying will never not bother me in canon. This is why I write MahiKao.

Thanks for reading and see you next week for the third chapter! (also, since we don't know if HorD will get a BD, make sure to watch the archive if you can!)

Chapter 3: Traces

Haruta’s place is a small camp inside an abandoned building. He seems to be living alone, but he tells them that he frequently offers shelter to friends from the neighbourhood.

“And you are sure you trust us to be here?” Mahiro asks again after he finishes treating Haruta’s shoulder with the items from the emergency kit he brought, but Haruta just snorts.

“I don’t trust the green guy, but I know you’re no threat. And he seems attached, so if I want him in check, I just have to threaten you,” he grins. Mahiro can’t help but smile.

“Is that so? I hardly know him, though.”

Now it’s Haruta’s turn to be surprised. “For reals?”

Mahiro nods.

“I can hear you,” Ryoga appears next to them, an annoyed frown on his face that quickly softens when he looks at Mahiro.

“His brother asked me to take care of him before he… disappeared. So don’t think about threatening him, unless you want to die, Haru.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Haruta snorts. “The only ones I can’t win against are… the Flowers.”

“Flowers?” Ryoga and Mahiro echo jointly.

“You remember the white-haired dude from earlier? That was Snowdrop, he’s one of them. Once they target you, your survival chances are about zero. We don’t know where they come from, or who gives them orders. They’re always just fixated on their missions like robots, so if you’re smart you just, stay outta their way or give them whatever they want. There’s at least three of them. Snowdrop, some guy I've only seen like, once, and Toki… or Sakura, as he’s now called. They only listen to those names, so we call them Flowers.”

Mahiro gently touches his arm.

“Toki-kun is… your brother?”

Haruta nods.

“Well, not really but… we’ve grown up together, after my dad abandoned me on the street. He was an orphan too, just a year younger than me. Couldn’t walk, so I always took care of him. Then one night, he disappeared. I was devastated, searched everywhere, but nothing. Years later I see him again, able to walk normally. I was happy at first but then I realised he has… changed. He didn’t seem to know me, was carrying a weapon… then the white guy appeared and took him. So I keep following him, even though I know it’s useless. I just… don’t know what else to do. How to save Toki.”

Mahiro squeezes his arm in sympathy.

“You’ll get him back. We will.”

Haruta looks at him in surprise, then smiles a little.

“You’re so naïve.”

“He’s right.” Ryoga looks at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“Remember, we’re here to find your brother, not his.”

“But Ryoga-san, you don’t even know where he is, do you? What if he got kidnapped by the same people who took Toki-kun? Haruta-kun says there’s at least four of them, so there might be more.”

 Ryoga looks at him, visibly torn. Then he sighs.

“You’re just like Chihiro, really,” he then mutters quietly.

“Chihiro?” Haruta looks at them, eyes wide.

“You know him?” Ryoga asks back, mirroring the brunette’s expression.

“Well, not exactly a Chihiro, but there’s been rumours about a person called ChiHERO… You haven’t heard?”

They both shake their heads, so Haruta elaborates.

“We don’t know much either, but he doesn’t seem to be siding. Works by himself, not with those who took Toki, so… I doubt you’ll find him by helping me, if he’s the one you’re looking for.”

Ryoga and Mahiro look at each other.

“Ryoga-san, you said you have a hint of his whereabouts. If you weren’t lying, can you tell us more?”

Ryoga furrows his brows a little, then drops himself onto the floor next to them.

“I wasn’t lying, but…,” he sighs, then continues: “You know him. He’s a good guy, really, but secretive. One night he vaguely asked me if I’d keep an eye on you in case something happened to him. The next day he disappeared without a trace. I started searching. For clues, anything. I just couldn’t accept his death. I mean, we worked together for so many years, and I knew just how smart he is. That he’d go as far as dying to the public just to follow through with his plans. It took me ages, but I found ways in and out of the city through my position at work. I’m not as … charming as him though, so getting my ways took time. Eventually the government got suspicious and blacklisted me, so I had to go undercover. I thought if I didn’t bring you with me, I’d break my promise with him. And I was sure he’d be down here. He has to be.”

Mahiro nods. Even if the reasoning is wishy-washy, he learns to understand the older man. And from how Ryoga talks about Chihiro, the redhead feels more certain than ever that the other knew his brother, maybe even better than Mahiro ever did.

“You don’t have to sugarcoat. I know he was manipulative,” he adds, prompting Ryoga to grimace.

“So this Chihiro… what do you think his goal is?” Haruta asks quietly.

“I don’t know,” Mahiro says, and Ryoga adds: “He’s hard to see through. But he’s always wanted to change the world, for the better, so I think that’s what he’s up to. Essentially.”

“Well, he hasn’t changed it yet, so it’s about time you two learn what it’s really like. You really won’t survive down here by yourselves.”

Ryoga huffs. “What makes you think so?”

“It’s everything. The way you walk, act, talk. You gotta learn lots.”

“It’s not like I’m new down he—” Ryoga tries to protest, but Haruta cuts him off.

“I know. Everyone knows. You thought you were sneaky? Rumours about a green-haired Upper-City guy clumsily sniffing around are everywhere. You can be lucky they haven’t caught you yet.”

Ryoga looks at the boy in visible exasperation, so before he can protest, Mahiro quickly jumps in:

“Is it… really this dangerous?”

Haruta snorts.

“The underground? Not so much if you know how to navigate. The common folks aren’t dangerous either, just wary of dealers. And spies. The real issue are the Flowers… and the military. Both are ruthless.”

Mahiro inhales sharply.

“Haruta-kun, I’m…”

“You were with them too, I know,” Haruta clarifies. “It’s in the way you move, use your knife. The same as him,” he looks at Ryoga who averts his eyes.

“But you’re different. The military doesn’t protect. They just kill. Like the Flowers but worse. The Flowers are after one, two people usually, and ignore others. The military just shoots everyone and everything. But you protected me, and he protects you,” Haruta then says, eyes narrowed like a cat. “So that’s why I think you’re no danger.”

Mahiro smiles at him warmly, then turns to the older man. “You were in the military too?”

“I was in training as a student, like you. But I got… sick, and couldn’t enlist, so I went to university. Unlike your brother.” Somehow Mahiro feels like he isn’t saying the truth again, or at least not all of it, but he chooses to stay quiet and give the older man time. He seems to need it.

“Right, Nii-san was a general too, before he… disappeared during a mission. That’s why you think he’s here?” he asks instead, and Ryoga nods.

“I’m sure we can find him, especially with this new ChiHERO-trace. But we need to be careful. The military will be after both of us now.”

He unties his jacket, then removes the holster he was hiding beneath from his waist, handing it Mahiro.

“You know how to use this model? It’s a bit outdated but works just fine.”

Mahiro stares, then accepts the weapon, nodding.

“You can’t defend yourself against them with just a knife, you know that.”

“What about you?”

“I was trained in long-range, so,” Ryoga nods to the package he’s picked up on their way here, “I’ll use that one.”

Haruta looks at the two of them with narrowed eyes.

“Keep those out of my sight, are we clear? I hate guns.”

They nod and Mahiro quickly fixes the holster to his belt, making sure it’s covered by his jacket.

“Now that that’s settled,” Haruta gets up and stretches, “we really needa get you used to this place. I’ll show you ‘round, so you won’t die as quickly.” He grins.

“Really? Thank you so much!” Mahiro beams at the younger one; Ryoga just smiles wryly.

“You can thank me by not dying.” Haruta laughs. “We’ll set out tomorrow morning. I won’t go easy on you.”

 

-

 

Mahiro quickly learns that Haruta wasn’t joking. The military training had been hard, sure, but trying to keep up with this cat-like seventeen-year-old while following instructions he’s never heard or thought of before proves to be a whole different challenge. Yet for some reason, the days spent inside the twilight of the Outside turn out to be more freeing than anything to Mahiro.

Only the painful sting of remorse when thinking about Kaoru makes him question his decision ever so often. He knows parting ways had been for the best. He hopes Kaoru is well. He wishes that he can find someone else to spend time with at university. Maybe someone he can become closer with than Mahiro, someone who can return his affection. And then he gently pushes the memories from his mind, buries the feelings deep inside his chest and focuses on adapting to his new reality. A reality without Kaoru.

The Outside really is nothing like Mahiro had expected it to be, and nothing like his first impression when he had arrived with Ryoga that day.

Once they leave the empty buildings and shacks near the wall behind, he finds himself overwhelmed by the colours and sounds of a whole other city, lying in the shadows deep beneath crumbling high-rise buildings. It’s like a jungle of pipes, power lines, neon signs and music, street vendors and children playing in artificial light. Music fills the air at every corner, and the scent of freshly prepared food wafts through the narrow alleyways, leaving no space for the smog that surrounds the Upper-City’s walls high above and filters out the sunrays.

Haruta helps out wherever he can and seems to know everyone, especially the young people who treat him like an older brother. Despite his initial wariness towards the newcomers, he soon introduces Ryoga and Mahiro to some of his friends, including two girls who are leading a resistance group to protect the neighbourhood from military aggression. And just as Haruta said, everyone can tell that they are from the Upper-City, even when they start helping him with his miscellaneous missions. Some treat them with suspicion, some watch them fearfully, but an overwhelming amount of people welcomes them with a warmth Mahiro has rarely encountered up in the City.

Instead of an organised crime scene, the Outside turns out to be a world full of life and warmheartedness, dark but beautiful.

“Say Haru, how come… how come you all live down here?” Mahiro finally dares to ask on their way back from another round of exploration, coupled with a mission to deliver vegetables to a sick woman. Haruta looks at him with furrowed eyebrows, then sighs.

“They don’t tell you a thing about us up there, huh?”

Mahiro shakes his head apologetically.

“You see, in the past everyone used to live here, in the Lower-City. It used to have a proper name, even, if you ask the grandmas they can tell you. But when the living conditions became tough, the rich built their own city up there and left the others to rot. Well, that was before our time, but things haven’t changed since. They keep threatening us, so we won’t start a revolution or something, dunno. All we’re doing is gathering food in the surrounding wasteland or doing odd jobs for Upper-City commissioners. Everyone here just wants to survive, trust me.”

“I see…” Mahiro mumbles, biting his lip.

Their world truly is unfair. He can’t believe how they had been lied to and kept away from the truth their entire lives. At least he feels better about running away from military conscription now. All those years he’s been trained to fight innocent people, innocent children, who want nothing more than to live. And now those very people trust him enough to let him stay, despite his former ties with the City and its military.

“Thank you… for offering someone like me a place to be, despite it all,” he says quietly, but Haruta takes his gloved hand and grins.

“You’re a good guy, Hiro-nii. I told you; you’ll just have to make somewhere for yourself. And I can help you gather some confidence for that.”

Mahiro smiles back warmly, still holding onto Haruta’s hand, when suddenly, a shadow emerges from an alleyway in front of them, and he stops dead in his tracks.

Ryoga, who has been checking the surroundings a few metres behind them finally catches up and looks at them questioningly.

“Hiro-nii?” Haruta asks using the nickname he’s given him a while ago, but Mahiro is frozen, eyes fixated on the slowly approaching person.

In front of them stands a slender, young man with black hair, parted in the middle, and slightly downturned eyes, glowing bright blue even in the dimly lit passage.

Kaoru.

Notes:

I'm taking some liberties with names and suffixes, in case you were wondering. I cannot possibly have Ryoga calling both brother's "Hiro", canon was INSANE for this. Ryoga was insane. Ryoga isn't that insane in MY story. Especially not on his birthday (happy birthday green-haired man!). I'm getting quite worried about writing him as too serious here, even though he's the friendly oniisan in canon. Sigh.
Another thing I feel like I should clarify is that I'm imagining they pronounce Chihiro in Japanese and ChiHERO in English, so they know that they might be talking about two different people here. Or are they?
I'm also terrible at writing timeskips in present tense so I don't know if it's clear, but they've spent several days together by now so Mahiro, Haruta and Ryoga are on a nickname-basis by the end of the chapter. Yippee!

Thank you for readingggg

Chapter 4: Reunion

Their situation is like an eerie replay of the scene from just a few days earlier.

Only this time, Mahiro is the one drawing closer. Just close enough to make sure he isn’t seeing things, and the person in front of him really is Kaoru.

And he is.

Even though it’s Mahiro’s first time seeing him not wearing their school’s uniform, he’s Kisaragi Kaoru, no mistaking.

The same deep blue eyes, the same silky-smooth hair, the same mature features.

The same expression as the last time he’s seen him.

Mahiro’s heart leaps. He thought he’d never get to meet him again. Yet here he is, unharmed, in the middle of the Outside.

“You know him? Hiro-nii,” Haruta’s voice asks behind him, suspicious. Mahiro nods, the shock still tingling through his body.

“He’s my… was my best friend,” he confesses, eyes not diverting from Kaoru’s face.

“Before I ran away and left him alone,” he then adds, voice cracking.

It’s only then that he realises that he has done the same thing to Kaoru that his brother has done to him. That he’s abandoned him without even trying to see another option for them, egoistically deciding that leaving would be the best. Yet all he’s done is run from his own feelings, from the very beginning. He’s kept lying and pretending until he’s finally found himself in a dead end, confronted with everything.

He swallows thickly, feeling a wave of self-loathe hit him full force.

If he had told Kaoru about everything, would he have accepted him, nonetheless?

If, instead of constantly avoiding the truth, he had been honest to both himself and Kaoru, what would have changed?

“Hiro-nii, I’m just saying but if he’s your friend… what’s he doing here?”

Haruta's voice interrupts his thoughts only momentarily. He doesn’t know. He doesn't know anything anymore. The memories and emotions he’s been suppressing all this time are flooding his mind as if a dam had collapsed, and he’s about to drown.

His vision starts blurring, and he barely registers his body acting by itself, pushing him toward the other, as if Kaoru were a beacon guiding him.

“MAHIRO, DON’T!”

Ryoga’s warning comes too late.

Before Mahiro can so much as blink, he feels himself pushed against the wall by a strong arm, a dull pain spreading throughout his back, and the sensation of something cold against his throat.

“Kaoru—” he whispers, but the pressure on his chest intensifies, forcing the air out of his lungs.

“So we meet again, Mahiro.” His voice is sweet and smooth, as always, the corners of his lips lifting into a thin smile as his eyes seem to pierce right into Mahiro.

The last time they’ve been this close – the memory he’s decided to push to the darkest corner of his mind replays in front of his inner eye, overlaps with the current Kaoru.

He kissed me. He kissed me and I ran away. I’ve hurt him, of course he’s hurt, I’ve hurt Kaoru. He must be so hurt.

In the background, the red-haired dully registers Ryoga trying to leap forward, but Haruta holds him back.

“It’s useless, Ryo-nii! He’s one of them, there’s no winning!”

One of them? Of whom?

The thoughts are still spinning in Mahiro’s head, refusing to become even the least bit coherent. All he can feel is the burning pain in his chest when thinking about what he’s done to Kaoru. It’s all his fault. It’s only natural that he hates him now.

But he can still apologise. He doesn’t need Kaoru to like him again, he can’t undo his mistakes, but he can at least apologise. And tell him the truth. He owes him that much, at least.

Mahiro gasps for air and locks eyes with the man in front of him.  

“I’m—I’m so sorry Kaoru. I was selfish so it’s—alright if you hate me now. But I—”

He can feel his heartrate slow down, strangely, as he finally understands.

His mind clears up. He registers that the cold object at his throat is a knife. He also understands what Haruta meant: Kaoru must be one of the Flowers. But none of that changes the answer that has formed inside himself, obvious and crystal-clear:

“I like you and I- I wanted to be with you. I’m sorry,”

There’s no change in Kaoru’s expression, but Mahiro feels strangely light. Suddenly, it all makes sense.

He likes Kaoru too. He’s liked him from the first time they met, probably, and yet he’s kept pushing the feeling away, pretending it doesn’t exist, because he knows they could have never been together—not in this life, not with Mahiro’s body being like this. And so he had tried to nip whatever he feels in the bud, only for it to keep growing in secret, making him selfishly wish they could stay together forever. Acknowledging all of this, even though he knows it's pointless, feels like the greatest freedom. 

Only when the stinging behind his eyes takes on shape and trails down his cheek, hot and moist, he realises that he’s crying.

He hasn’t done it in so long, he already forgot what it feels like. As if all the pent-up emotions, all the sadness and longing and regret are set free from his body, leaving him in the form of small droplets.

His vision starts swimming, so he closes his eyes for a moment.

That’s when he hears a gasp, and the pressure on his chest lessens instantly.

He snaps back to reality, staring into the same deep pools as before, yet something has changed, as if life has returned to them, and a second later the boy in front of him drops the knife onto the ground and stumbles backwards, a horrified expression on his face.

Then, he collapses and starts whimpering.

A terrible feeling creeps upon Mahiro. Unlike him, Kaoru isn’t wearing gloves.

The shock shoots through his body like lightning, almost knocking him off his feet.

He’s done it again. He’s hurt him, again.

He presses into the wall, trying to stop every muscle in his body from sprinting to the other’s side and holding him tight.

“Somebody… somebody help him…” he gasps, looking desperately at the others.

“I… my tears, they’re… they’re toxic, he needs to be treated…!”

Haruta just stares at them in utter shock, until Ryoga moves forward and kneels down beside the quietly sobbing Kaoru to check on him.

“Please… help him…” Mahiro whispers weakly.

He’s done it again, hurt the one he loves. If only he didn’t exist, if only—

 “Seems like you need some help?”

They all shoot around.

The person stepping out of the shadows looks eerily like an older version of Mahiro, sans the hair and eyes. Even his voice is similar.

Both Mahiro and Ryoga gasp in unison.

“Nii-san?!”

“Hiro?!”

The older man smiles.

“Follow me.”

 

-

 

They move quickly, shrouded in silence except for Kaoru’s pitiful sobbing.

“Stop… please stop… I can’t… take it, please…”

Mahiro’s heart clenches every time, but he keeps his distance, too scared of making things worse.

After a couple of minutes, they arrive at a run-down building with boarded up windows, and Chihiro beckons them to follow him inside before he closes and locks the door, then leads them up a staircase into a relatively large, dimly lit and sparsely furnished room.

Ryoga, who has been carrying the black-haired boy all the while, carefully puts him down onto a sofa and the others quietly encircle him. Mahiro can’t take his eyes off his peer, his chest tight with anxiety and sadness.

“It’s not your fault, Mahiro.” Chihiro’s quiet voice interrupts the silence.

The red-haired looks at his brother in surprise.

“What do you—”

“You didn’t hurt him. If anything, I assume you’re the one he might need most to get through this, so don’t hold yourself back. Please.” His older brother smiles pityingly, and after a moment of staring, Mahiro finally moves to sit next to Kaoru to take him into his arms and stroke his hair softly.

He has never seen his friend like this, nothing but a bundle shaking and sobbing against his chest. But with his touch, the whimpers gradually subside, and Kaoru’s breath slowly evens out. Mahiro takes all the time he needs, forgetting about everyone else in the room as he whispers reassuring words to his peer until he is sure the other has fallen asleep.

Only then he manages to take his eyes from him and looks at his brother again, for the first time realising that he really is standing there. He looks older, paler and much more tired than he remembers, but it’s Chihiro. He feels tears welling up for the second time today, but he quickly blinks them away.

“Nii-san… what is all of this about?”

“I’d like to know as well,” Haruta, who has been wordlessly tagging along the whole time, mutters.

“I’ll have some explaining to do, I guess,” Chihiro smiles, and indicates them to sit down on the leftover chairs.

“Now, where do I start…”

 

-

 

“You knew?!” Mahiro looks at Ryoga in disbelief.

“You really think a friendship with your brother would be something normal?” Ryoga huffs, then looks away.

“I helped him. With experiments.”

Chihiro laughs. “Avoiding the full story, as always. You know, he poisoned himself to be exempt from military conscription, then majored in science at university to help me figure out… well, a lot of things~,” he explains lightheartedly.

“So yes, he knew about your condition, and mine. That our body-fluids are toxic, because we were… uhm, how do I put it, test-tube babies? Living experiments?”

Haruta’s eyes are round as he follows the explanation of the infamous ChiHERO, darting from Mahiro to his brother and back.

“While I can get people to do whatever I want by just as much as kissing the top of their palm, people who come into such contact with Mahiro suffer from pain and illness,” Chihiro continues, “as both our bodies produce different types of neurotoxins. Apparently, we were supposed to be more like him,” he points at Kaoru, “but as we were the very first involuntary participants in the experiment, instead of having a switch that turns us into controllable, murderous puppets, we turned out like this. Dad never realised our potential and thought we were utter failures. He demoted the researcher who’d made us like this, and mom tried her best to keep him away from using us by never telling him the full effects of our conditions that she discovered. And I made sure to keep that act up, even after she… left us.”

Mahiro looks at his brother, trying to let the information sink in.

“So… mother was aware…?”

Chihiro nods, expression clouded.

“I know you think that it’s your fault she’s no longer with us. Back then I also never had the strength to convince you of the opposite, because her death hurt me just as much, and I blamed you, unfairly so. But you know, I’ve come to learn that she’d been ill even before you were born. It may have been the side-effects from all the experiments, who knows… But raising you never hurt her. I was with you two, after all. I only realised years later why that was,” the older man looks at Mahiro fondly, before continuing:

“It’s because she loved you, and you loved her.”

Mahiro stares.

“That’s why you can’t hurt Kaoru, either. After all, you both love each other, don’t you?”

Mahiro still stares. Then blinks, then stares again, mouth gaping open.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I don’t know if I…” he then whispers, looking down at the young man sleeping in his arms peacefully.

His head feels like a giant jumble of incomprehensible information, his chest tight with too many emotions to handle at once.  

“Take your time, it must be overwhelming for you,” Chihiro says softly. “After all, I had years and years’ worth of time to research and reflect on this.”

He comes over, kneeling beside his younger brother to gently wipe away the tears that have started flowing from his eyes after all.

“I just want you to know that you didn’t hurt him. Not a single time. I could tell from the way you looked at him back there… it reminded me a painful amount of the way someone has looked at me, before.”

Someone makes a strangled noise in the background.

“So you noticed…”

Chihiro looks at Ryoga apologetically, then lowers his gaze.

“It took me way too long, and when I realised, I ran away. I’m sorry.”

“You two really are alike,” Ryoga snorts, then laughs quietly.

“Never thought I’d hear you apologise.”

“Me neither.”

Mahiro catches a glimpse of Haruta rolling his eyes and can’t help but chuckle despite his tears. Then, he asks the only question that he can seize in the mess that is his mind:

“Can Kaoru… stay with us?”

Chihiro tilts his head in thought, then answers:

“Under normal circumstances, I would have to refuse. He’s a trained assassin, and neither us nor him can control when he enters and leaves that state” he starts, then quickly continues when he sees Mahiro’s expression faltering instantly, “but… I don’t know what, but I feel like something in your toxin made him snap out of his Flower-state, earlier. You noticed it too, right? You thought you hurt him, but it seemed more like he was having flashbacks, and painful ones at that. I know how it sounds, but I’d like to keep him here for… some tests, if I may put it like that. I feel like he could be the key to advancing the research I’ve been working on for years, and maybe we can help him too, in the process. We just have to make sure he’s somewhere he can be no danger to anyone…” his voice trails off.

In other words, they needed to lock him up, huh. Mahiro bites his lip, then squares his shoulders and looks at his brother determinedly.

“I would like to ask him to agree to that first, but I see your point. As long as he won’t be harmed, I trust you.”

“We’ll try our best, okay?” Chihiro smiles pityingly.

Mahiro gazes down at Kaoru’s relaxed face resting on his shoulder. He looks so innocent and fragile, the thought of him having to go through any more pain almost breaks his heart.

Hopefully his brother knows what he’s doing.

Notes:

The longer I read and edit the chapter the more I start to hate it and feel like it's the worst thing I've written in my life. I am very sorry if Mahiro's feelings sound shallow and messy, but thinking more about what to do makes my head ache. Unfortunately I've already written the entire story so I can't just give up on it, so please bare with my bad writing.