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It was Devon’s first day as an intern and he was excited. His crisp perfect clothes were fitting him neatly and his record was perfect. He stood in front of the door of his shared apartment with Priya, his bestest friend and the only one with whom he could be himself. They have met a few years back in college and they hit it off pretty good, especially with their shared cultural backround and their dry, but wholesome humour. They quickly bonded and with time they realised they were much more alike, both career wise and personal wise, so they started seeing eachother more as siblings than anything else. When their colleagues started to ship them, he was quick to tell Priya that he was gay, since he didn’t want to send the wrong message. Actually she was the first one to know this outside his parents, for which the girl appreciated the trust. Since then, they were inseparable, so that is why they moved in together, as it is more profitable and they already shared almost everything. Sometimes they would go out clubbing or they would keep an eye out for eachother when they were out on first or second dates. But right now, he was nervous and was fiddling with his clothes, his anxiety getting the better of him, but the girl took his hands, squeezed them and neated his coat, telling him to enjoy himself and to have a nice day, cheering him on. His day was great, and everything was perfect. „Everything will be perfect” he said to himself.
Queue a day of chaos. The life in hospital was nothing like he ever imagined, and his resident was a handful, literarly, he was very hot, but he has an authority complex, which made him think he was superior. Conrad Hawkins was a man that was hard to understand and even harder to tolerate. He wondered all day if he could even resist this shift, but at the end of it, he made a good impression to his resident due to his thinking and thanks to Nic, he understood why Conrad was behaving like this. The girl seemed to know him pretty well, so he decided to trust her and to continue to ask her for advice in how to deal with the eccentric personality of his resident. As the day ended he went home and collapsed on his bed, Priya hugging him and pestering him with questions. He was confused, since he liked the thrill of being a doctor, and he made a pretty good team with Conrad, but man it was hard to bear his overbearing style of teaching. Plus he was intrigued by the whole Nic and Conrad situation since it seemed like they had an on and off relationship for a while.
With time, everything settled into place. Nic, Conrad and him started to get along greatly, especially after the whole unmasking Dr. Lane Hunter and how she exploited the system at the expense of her patients life, since trauma bonds people, and the fact that she put Nic in jail and threatened the others on multiple occasions wasn’t for the faint hearted. They would hang out in the bar sharing a drink or two when they needed, or would just simply go to one of their houses and drink or play card games, talking about the latest drama in the hospital, the latest decisions in healthcare or just telling simply telling stories from their past and cracking jokes. When they would hang out at Devon’s home, Priya would join them, and soon she started to be a part of this group, hanging out with them sometimes, when their schedules matched up, and they quickly integrated her since she helped them with the research on Lane’s patients. Somewhere along the lines Mina also got into this group, and she would hang out with them, especially when she needed a drink or when she felt like she needed to go out and socialise. Ok, maybe she hung out with them when she needed someone to speak to when the problems, be it personal or not, became too much, or when they were fighting against some stupid new rules or shady things, like the new QuoVadis devices. But she did not lose her sarcasm and her straightforward approach to things in general, and her jokes and humour would always cackle the others especially when it was not targeted at one of them. Irving and Jess also joined at some point, the couple being cute nerds, but also extremely capable in what they were doing and they were key components when any disaster was unfolding in the hospital, be it medical or illegal bullshit that was the business part of medicine. This group was like a found family, a group that cared about others, but also valued the relationships they have, be it platonic or romantic, although they really enjoyed telling jokes and just relaxing, unwinding, especailly when they had a long shift.
Speaking of relationships, Nic and Conrad are now dating and Devon found himself staring at them a lot, he was happy for them, but he couldn’t deny the fact that maybe, just maybe he wanted what they have, a boyfriend that would cuddle with him, that would share his feelings and that would be there for him, someone that would understand him, someone that wound be with him for who he is. He knew deep down that he wanted Conrad, his blonde, beautiful resident, because he was the best boyfriend someone could have, he was sweet, he was caring, and mostly, he understood you when no one did or even wanted. He met all criteria he had for a boyfriend and he liked how bossy yet genuine he was. But this was a conversation for later, he wasn’t ready to accept the fact that he liked him, much more the fact that he yearned for him, each touch they shared, would send tingles all over his body, but mostly they would calm him, each joke that made him augh, each time his eyes glimmered with hope and determination or his radiant smile. Slowly the man plagued his mind, and the fact that they shared most of their time together at work just added fuel to the fire, as he could not physically escape from him, the memories and moments they shared, and are still sharing, still hanging on between them, still lurking in his mind, playing over and over again in his head, but bringing him a wierd comfort, like they shared something intimate, something special. Although if you ask him, he will tell you that he isn’t jealous, because they are good friends and that’s it, just friends.
As time went on he and Conrad became closer and closer, and they would start to hang out outside their group, going on the so-called wake break, a time-out in which the pair would go out drinking or just relaxing, telling one another stories of the past, sharing intimate facts about one another, just being close overall. Their friendship was balanced, they were always comfortable with one another and they understood eachother on a level far greater than most of their other friends. Plus they were content with just drinking and looking at eachother in silence, or holding a hand on the shoulder. But the closer he got, the more he felt like he was slipping, the more he felt like he was falling in love, the more he felt like he was driving himself insane. He noticed that he started to stare a lot more at him, and that he sneaked glances at him when the man wasn’t looking, and he felt dumb, like a middle-aged child having a crush.
He didn’t notice when the transition from annoying resident to sweet and attractive good friend that made him black out for a couple of moments with each glance or with each touch that made his skin tingle happened, but he was sure it would break him at some point. A while ago he started dreaming about him, during his sleep and later on, with his eyes open, wondering how a life with the man would be, how amazing that would be and how interesting it would feel to have his lips on his’ or his hands cupping his face. He was day-dreaming and it felt amazing and horrible at the same time, because he would stare a lot at him or through him, and his friends would ask if he was ok, bringing him back from his mind and making him feel embarrassed. He sometimes felt pathetic that he was so eager to meet with him the next day, but he soon discovered that the man was his new favourite person. He enjoyed spending time with him, even if it was during long shifts or just hanging out after said shifts, or simply walking on the streets. Conrad was now more than a colleague, more than a friend, he was one of the closest one, the one that made him comfortable and safe, but took him out of his comfort zone all the time, and this made things much more complicated, since he truly valued the relationship that they have, and if keeping this a secret will continue it, he will take that to the grave, plus he isn’t a home-wrecker, and Conrad isn’t into guys, he said it himself during one of their deep talks.
After a long day at work he finally arrived at his home, where Priya was chilling on the couch, looking at her laptop and reading something intensely. He smiled at her and greeted her, making his way to the closet to get changed into something more comfortable. He looked completely depleted of any sort of energy, surviving on pure coffee and determination, but the torment in his mind didn’t make things easier. It made him seem like he aged a lot, and the fact that he didn’t tell anyone was eating slowly at him. Since he arrived he started to tell the girl everything that had happened at the hospital lately, their newest cases, and since he was so tired, he started to speak about his colleagues, and about Conrad in particular, and Priya started to side eye him a little.
"Dev, my dear, you know that you are in love with this man, right? You do realise he is in a relationship with a girl"
"Wha-" he looked at her like a deer in headlights.
"Don’t try to deny the fact that you love him." she said as she patted the space right next to her.
"Why would you say that?"
"Girl, be for real. Do you see the fact that you practically gushed about him for the last minutes"
"I did not!" he said with and shocked face.
"Honey, it’s useless to try and fake it, I already suspected something, but now I have my confirmation."
"Well, ok. I have to tell someone, otherwise I’m gonna explode. Yeah, I do like him, and I feel so stupid for this because I know he is straight, but he is so..."
"Awww, it’s ok Dev. I get why you would fall for him, he certainly is hot and he does seem sweet." she says as she sighs and pulls the boy into a hug.
"It’s just that, I know he is in a relationship, and he is straight, but I can’t help it. I can’t help feeling the way I feel, and I don’t know why I feel like this. I hated his guts the first few weeks."
"Maybe this is your enemies to lovers story." she said jokingly, ruffling his hair.
"Funny." So soothing. he pouted.
"Oh, don’t act like you didn’t imagine it. It’s ok Dev, it will be ok. Look at the bright side, you now have someone you can vent to. I won’t judge, especially for liking him."
"You’re the best Priya." he said as he closed his eyes and let himself relax in her arms.
"I know. And you are so hopelessly in love with him, it’s so cute. I am really rooting for you, but I will beat the fuck out of you if you dare to break them up."
"I’m not a home-wrecker girl."
"Good. Now tell me more about him."
So the boy started to tell her more about Conrad and his feelings and the story of how he started liking him, slowly transforming from the full of himself resident to the doctor who is fighting for his patients against every system and corrupt person. He told her how he realised slowly that he is falling in love with him and how happy he makes him and how he is his comfort person and a person he feels safe to be with. As he was talking, Priya stroked his hair and he slowly drifted to sleep as he was talking, the girl smiling at him and promising him that she would help him anytime he needs and that she will be there for him if he shall need it, especially if he wants to get over him since he knows that nothing is really possible with him. From then on, Devon had someone with whom he could talk about what he is feeling and what he wants, plus she would sometimes cover for him, and would bring him back to reality if he would start to stare.
As time went on, everything is unfolding normally, new cases, new fights with the system, new dangerous stunts to execute, nothing out of the usual. The group was always going out and hanging out to unwind from the stress of being a doctor in the current state of things and to just relax with friends. Devon continued to be like a love sick puppy, staring at Conrad or just trying to stay in his space, yearning for his touch, hugs, hands placed on the shoulder, and successfully keeping these feelings for himself somehow. Lately, Conrad and Nic didn’t kiss, or stay cuddled anymore, things that Devon picked up and made him curious. So obviously when he had a moment with the blonde one alone, he asked in a polite way what has been on his mind these last few days.
"Hey Con! How are you?"
"Meh, could be better. I had a long shift, and I have some tough cases, but nothing out of the ordinary."
"How long have you’ve been working on those cases? Maybe I can help you."
"Well, for about 3 days? Something like that. But I can’t seem to find those missing puzzle pieces and it’s driving me insane. Here, look at them, maybe you can see something different."
"How many coffees have you had today? I’ll buy you one, seems like you need it."
"Oh, thank you! I haven’t slept in 40 hours. You really are a great friend."
"Talking about friends, hoping I don’t cross the boundaries, but are you and Nic alright?"
"Yeah, we broke up 1 week ago, but we’re still friends. We came to realise we work better as friends rather than a couple since we had some issues with communicating and she was very patient, but I found it hard to open up to her, my then girlfriend and the woman I loved, about my past. It’s ok, we really work better as friends since I now feel much more comfortable to explain myself and open up to her."
"Oh, ok, Conrad. I’m here if you ever need something and I will be here if you ever want to talk to someone, ok?" he said as he let himself touch the man’s shoulders.
"Thank you." he said as he pulled Devon in a hug.
Since that talk, Conrad started to hang out with just Devon much more. He felt comfortable around his intern and when he had a tough time, which seemed like every other day he was there to land a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. As days went by, the resident started to lose weight and he was always drinking coffee and working on cases that were the most challenging, but the intern always knew when to step in and to offer him a break, a new perspective and a new coffee, while also checking up on him because something clearly wasn’t ok. The blonde would just brush it off as having a more tough period in the hospital as there were lots of things on his mind. The dark haired boy didn’t press the matter a lot, just enough so the other would know that he can talk to him, and surprisingly, he talked a lot. He opened up about his past, his personal life, even about his relationships, his struggles to communicate and open up in romantic relationships. But the thing that Devon appreciated the most was the fact that Conrad wasn’t hiding things from him, he would just say everything that was on his mind and that bothered him. He confessed once that he had body image issues when he was younger and still had some of them, but now it was better. He was even more happier that the resident was always looking forward to see him and spend time with him and just be with him. On numerous occasions he confessed to him that his support and his friendship was extremely important and meaningful to him, and that without him, his life would probably be very dull.
Devon didn’t knew why he was doing this to himself, why he was getting so close to him when he knew they couldn’t share a romantic relationship, why was he doing this when he knew that there was not going to be anything between them more than friendship. But he lived for those moments, for the flashy smile he would give him when he saw his intern on the hospital floor, for the tight hugs that he would give when they would meet in the morning, for the comfortable silence that would let itself linger between them after a confession or tough subject, or the comfortable hugs and shoulder leanings that are meant to offer some kind of reassurance that everything is going to be ok, that this friendship is going to last.
In turn Conrad would always take Devon when he had interesting cases, always knew how to guide Devon through his medical journey, he would always take care of Devon when he needed, be it on a mental plane or when he was hungry and didn’t had time, he would pass a sandwich to him, or when he needed something, Conrad would most of the time go to get it. Also, to show the fact that he really cares about this friendship, he would try and learn about his cultural backround, to try and impress him, to try and understand what the other half of Devon is like. Once they were all hanging out in a park, spending time drinking a beer and eating a picnic, when Conrad and Devon started to playfully argue about something petty and small, but the ever so observing Mina snickered that they should get a room because „You two act like an old married couple”. This made all of them laugh and the 2 would just look at the ground, slightly blushing, but they would still bump into eachother and flash one another smiles.
Conrad still did everything he did, taking the comment as a teasing that is very far away, because he saw Devon as a very good friend. A hot one at that and a kind one. He was there for him when he needed, he was there, at every step and even if he was fighting so bad with his demons. Devon was his person, the one that got him, the one that he learned how to care, the one that was there for him, the one that was so interesting that made him learn about a whole other culture just so he could understand him better. He sometimes found himself staring at Devon more intensely, and he found himself wanting to be hugged by the man, wanting to be in his presence, to feel his touch and to hear his kind words, so he would always be next to him, in his space. He was always trying to be next to him, always try to hug him, always bask in his compliments and touches because those moments made him happy, made his heart flutter, made him giddy.
After that comment, the blonde resident really spiraled on his obliviousness. Nic was looking at him and she could see how in love with Devon he is and how oblivious he is because she knew for a fact that they were not together. The girl was really confused because she did not know why was he acting like this and not pursue him since that was what he has done with her So the girl took him in a private room and thought of how it would be best to break it to you since he knew that it would be a hard pill to swallow.
"Hey Con! How are you? "
"Hi Nic, I’m good. What about you?"
"I’m fine. I was wondering about something and I thought that maybe you can help me with it."
"Yeah sure, tell me."
"Well, have you noticed yourself lately, acting goopie around someone?"
"No? Why?"
"Oh, dear how am I going to break this to you."
"Break what to me?"
"Well, you remember how you were acting when you liked me for the first time?"
"Yeah, all goopy, lovey dovey, especially, when we were horny and hooking up." he said jokingly.
"And didn’t you notice you started to act like this again?"
"What? What do you mean?"
"Well, with Devon... You are behaving exactly like you were when we were dating."
"No, I’m noo..."
"Yeah, the good thing is that he is just as obvious as you, the other thing is, do you wanna talk about it?"
"I mean, yeah why not. You are one of my best friends Nic, but uhmm, I don’t know what to do." he said as all the dots in head connected and he saw how lovesick he acted.
"Con, the only thing I can say to you is please follow your heart. I know things haven’t been great for you, but don’t throw this away."
"But what if he doesn’t like me back. Nic you don’t understand, he was the one that kept me from spiraling when you and I broke up. He was the only reason I still had the power to not drown myself in work. But now I need you to give me some good advice. How can I get over this?"
"Con, I don’t think you should, maybe it will be good for the both of you. I do know he likes men, so you do have a chance."
"No Nic, I don’t. His friendship means almost everything to me and if I ruin it, I will live with this regret all my life."
"Ok, then I’ll be here to help you, when you need to talk, when you need to discuss, when you just need to complain. I promise I’ll be here, ok?" she said as she pulled him into a hug.
"Thank you Nic. I don’t think I can see him anymore." he whispered heartbroken and on the verge of tears.
"Why, Con?"
"As much as I love to stay with him, to see his smile and his eyes, and just be near him, I don’t think I can, knowing what I feel for him. It is too painful to be next to him and act like nothing changed, when I know we can’t have more than this, when I know there won’t be more than yearning touches and missed chances of confessing my feelings."
"Oh Conrad... she said as she tighten the grip around him. I’ll be here, ok?" she added as she wiped tears from his eyes.
"Yeah, thank you." he said as he wrapped his arms around her again and hugged her tight.
As this reality check hit the resident like a train, its effects could be seen on the man. With time, he started to avoid Devon in every way he could. He would keep the conversation short and only work related, in rest avoiding him like the plague. He chose that it would be better to avoid him almost all together to escape having to deal with his feelings and with his stupid thoughts. This also dragged with it more issues, as now he would drown himself in work to try and keep the voices away, the doubts and the regrets. As he did this, he also started to forget to drink water, or to eat, or to even sleep. During this time, his body image issues also started to flare up again, and despite how much Nic tried to console him, to bring him food, and to literarly shove a water bottle in his mouth, she couldn’t make him better. Yes she was there for when he needed a shoulder to cry on and she was there to pull him from work and to make him give himself a break , she couldn’t tackle the problem because the problem was that a person was missing from his life, an important one at that.
For the next month, Nic tried everything she knew, offered every little bit of understanding, offered every little kindness she had, every word, every act, she tried nicely, she tried to force him to keep himself alive, but it was useless. Yes she kept him from forgetting all together that he needed to keep himself alive, but she couldn’t make him better. And it pained her to see him self-destruct over something that could be very easily solved if he would risk in the department of love, not only in healthcare. She was sure that if he opened up to Devon everything will be alright and that in the worst case scenario, he will be nicely rejected, but she had a hunch that that was not going to happen. Nic was desperate to have Conrad back as his nonchalant yet caring type instead of this self imploding mess that self-inflicts pain by refusing to try and be brave in confessions. She understood that because so many people refused to love him, or because few people loved him unconditioned he found it hard to confess, heck even with her, he needed a lot of time to actually make his mind and confess his love, but she never thought that he would outright refuse to confess them cause he feared the outcome. She didn’t know what to do anymore, so she called to the only one that could fix this.
"Devon, come here."
"Hey Nic! Any word from Conrad? I know he’s avoiding me, but I just want to know if he’s alright. I’m worried and I don’t want anything bad happening to him."
"Dev, I have to ask something. Do you like Conrad? "
"Wha-"
"Don’t lie, just please, tell me."
"Yeah, I do." he said as he looked down at his feet like a child that has been caught lying.
"Ok. Now I want to be blunt with you, I am desperate and I don’t know who else to call or ask for help."
"What happened Nic?"
"Everything is not fine. Conrad is spiraling and I don’t know how to help him. He refuses to eat more than a few bites and he drowns himself in work. I don’t know what I can do more, I tried everything and I am desperate. It has gotten so bad that I am what keeps him alive, because if I don’t make him eat or drink he would refuse to. I took a blood sample to run some tests and he has everything to a dangerous low."
"Oh, oh god..."
"I am desperate Dev, and the only one that can help him is you. "
"But he doesn’t want me there."
"He doesn’t know any better, just trust me, I know that he will not be angry if you will go and help him. Please just do it. I am extremely worried and don’t know who to ask for help."
"Are you sure he wants me there? Really really sure?"
"Yeah Devon, I know. Everything will be fine, I just feel it."
"Ok then. I am worried sick for him and because he avoids me like the plague I can only assume what is going on. He sure seems more tired and a lot skinnier. I am going to see him after my shift. "
"Ok, I’ll make sure he will be home for you two to, I don’t know, do your magic and help him. And thank you Dev. I really am grateful for this."
"It’s ok Nic, it’s ok." he said as he pulls the girl into a hug as she is about to start crying.
"Thank you Dev!" she hugged him tight.
The plan was set, and as stated, Nic made sure the resident was at least home, because she knew that nothing other than Devon could make him take his eyes from those documents. The intern knocked on the door with bags of groceries and some water and when Conrad opened he smiled shyly at him and placed his foot in front of the door. The resident was confused to see him, and almost refused to let him in, but when he started to close the door he saw the other’s foot and realised that he could not sway him to stay away. The dark-haired boy didn’t say anything, he just entered, went to the kitchen and started to tidy up the place a little. Conrad looked at him wierd, but tried to ignore him and go back to his work. Soon the intern started to work on some food, and before he knew it, the resident had a plate full of chicken tikka masala in his hands, with a smiley Devon. The man looked confused and placed the dish on the counter next to him.
"Nope, you WILL eat this. I don’t care, you will eat.
-Maybe I’m not hungry.
-I don’t care. You will eat. And if I catch you making yourself puke, I will admit you in the ER. I am not joking Conrad.
-Who are you to barge like this in my home and act like you own my life!
-Who are you to treat your best friend like trash for a month and then throw him out of his house when all I want is you to be ok. You fucking ignored me for the last month, and I don’t need to be next to you to know that you are barely scraping by. So you will eat this, without looking at those files. Please.
-... he stared blankly at him while taking a small bite of the food he had, and it was extremely good.
-Thank you. I’m sorry for yelling, but you leave me no choice. I am worried and I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t know what has happened with you, but at least let me take care of you. Please, Conrad.
-Ok....It’s good. The food. What is it?
-Chicken tikka masala. Mom’s recipe. he said smiling, and when Conrad caughed it, his stomach turned and his heart fluttered, he missed this so much, and he yearned for everything, for his touch, for his lips, for his kind words.
"I like it. Tell her I said it’s perfect."
"Maybe you could tell her when they visit me next time. I’ll tell her to prepare it herself, taste from the original hands. "
"I’ll be honoured to." he said, smiling for the first time in a long time.
"Here is some water too. And in 1 hour you will go to sleep, ok?"
"But there is this case that I can’t figure out and-"
"I don’t even want to hear it. You will crack it tomorrow, but you need to sleep. It will do you good."
"But-"
"Con, please." he looked at him with puppy eyes.
"Ugh, fine you are the worst." he said smiling.
"Yeah, sure." he said as he got the plates back and started to wash the dishes and tidy the room a little bit more.
He knew that if he didn’t made the man go to sleep he will try to finish the case, so he watched the clock like a hawk and when an hour passed, he placed his hands on Conrad’s shoulders and told him that the time is up.
"Dev, but please, I know I will crack it soon."
"Nope, give me the files. "
"Please, pretty please?"
"Nope, you will get them tomorrow, I promise, but right now, I want to make sure you go to bed. "
"Ughhh, you really are the worst. Fine, I’ll go." he said as he realised this is the first time he had seen Devon so determined.
"I’ll check on you to see if you are really sleeping. "
"You’re worse than a mom. "
"Well, you seem like you need one right now, so I’m happy to assume the role. Now please, go and sleep."
"Ok, mom!" he said laughing, while Devon was gathering his files and placing them neatly on the table.
Soon the blonde man changed and got under the covers, and Devon went to him to check if he is sleeping. As he looked at how peaceful the man was sleeping, he felt like this was just what he needed, to see his love smiling again, to feel his presence again. Now everything was good again, or as close to good as it could be. He ran his fingers through the other’s hair and whispered to him „Good night” along with a caress on his cheek and the side of his neck. What he didn’t knew was the fact that Conrad was still awake and he felt like he was burning, burning with the yearning of that touch, burning with the regret of distancing himself so much from the man and from these moments. He was aching and he felt like crying because it felt so nice to have him around again, even if he knew this will never go beyond mere touches and nice words.
Devon sat on the couch, leaning against the soft cushion and decided to wait there. He knew that sooner or later Conrad will come back and try to finish something that took a pick at his perfectionism. He pretended he had fallen asleep and quietly and patiently waited for the man that turned his world upside down, making his stomach flutter and making his blood boil with each cheeky look to appear and catch him in the act. Luckly he didn’t wait long, cause the blonde man entered the room, tip-toeing around. He could hear how he was shuffling around and soon he felt a warm blanket around him. This made Devon bubble inside and his mind started to wander, thinking at how thoughtful Conrad is, which seemed weird since he ignored him for the better part of the last 3 weeks. He could feel his hands, tucking the blanket around him and he could feel one soft hand that slowly patted his head. He felt warm and confused, but he mostly felt loved, cared for, content. The black haired boy continued to fake sleep, while Conrad was shuffling some papers around. Then he sat kind of loudly at the coffee table in the middle of the room and started to slowly turn every page. Devon waited another minute or so, just to be safe. He opened his eyes barely, and saw that the man he despised and loved was standing over the papers he left there before being forced to go to sleep. The intern slowly rose from his spot, and sneaked behind his victim, his resident. He remembered one interaction from when Nic and Conrad were together, and they were teasing eachother, and the girl shushed him easily by tickling his sides. So that he did. He shoved his hands in the man’s sides and started moving his fingers quickly. The blonde jumped and squeaked, then tried to escape, all while laughing.
"De-devon! Stoop! P-P-please!
"Nu uh. You kinda deserve this. Devon said, as the Conrad escaped his hands and ran at a safe distance from his hands.
"What did I do?"
"Seriously mister? Don’t try to play dumb with me."
"I’m not playing. "
"You know what, I’ll enter your game. It’s nice to know that at least now I can actually make you listen to me. "
"Devon don’t you dare do that again."
"Or what, you already laugh like a baby. It’s so refreshingly weird to see you like this, so innocent, so fragile, so happy. It’s cute."
"What did you just call me? "
"Let’s say your usually cocky attitude and flirty behavior and bossy way of telling others what to do will not work on me this time. I care too much about you to let you kill yourself."
"Wha-"
"And if I have to chase you all around the house to make you go to sleep, I will gladly do it." he said as he started moving in his direction.
"Dev, Dev, please, stay back, please." he told the brown boy, moving away from him, and then starting to run.
The intern started to chase him around the room, both of them laughing, with Conrad pleading for his life, until Devon basically tackled his crush onto the couch. There he started to tickle him mercilessly, and the blonde boy exploded with laughter, and failed attempts at escaping the grip and weight of his annoyingly hot crush. “Please! I beg you! I’ll do anything” e managed to finally say between laughs and deep breaths.
'Anything?
"A-any-thing! Pleeease! Stopppp!
"Fine. he said as he stopped moving his fingers, letting the man take some much needed breaths. Answer me this, why do you do this to yourself? If you don’t trust me it’s ok, but you need to talk with someone about this. I don’t want you to end up the next victim of the ER. Please let us help you. And why are you avoiding me for so long?
"These are 2 questions, not one." he said with a smirk on his face, but then quickly dropped it as soon as he saw Devon’s serious face.
"Conrad…"
"Fine, I’ll answer but I need you to move a little cause I can’t really breathe right now."
"Oh-" he said as his face turned a little darker.
"I’m…"
"If you don’t wanna talk about it I understand and I’ll forgive you this time. I’m really worried about you. You aren’t sleeping, eating or drinking properly. I just want to help you and I want to make sure that you’re not going to kill yourself. However I respect your boundaries so I won’t cross them ever again. But why did you ignore me? This day was basically the first one in weeks since we’ve hung out like this. Did I do something?"
"Noo…. It isn’t about you. I’m sorry for avoiding you. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, that is the last thing I wanted. I really didn’t know what to do and now that we’ve hung out like this, I realized how much I had missed this."
"Well then what it is? "
"It’s just that, you became my safety net, and I don’t want to lose you. he said as he pulled his knees up to his chest. I’m a perfectionist, but lately it has gotten worse. When I was with Nic, she grounded me, she made sure that I kept my body alive, but since she left me, I spiraled out, until she caught me again and managed to keep alive, sometimes forcefully. I let myself drown in my work and now I don’t know how to get myself up. I’m scared that I’ll fail everyone and I’m struggling a lot with my body image and with my sleeping since I’m having nightmares a lot of the times. "
"You’re not gonna lose me. I promise you-"
"No, don’t promise me. You can’t promise me this. "
"And why is that?"
"Because you’ll probably get scared and run away. And then I’ll be left here to struggle all by myself and I will get my heart broken for real this time, not only in scenarios. I don’t tell you this enough, but your friendship means a lot to me, and the fact that you left your soft and sappy personality aside, just so you could kick some sense into me means a lot to me. Thank you…"
"You’re welcome. And I really mean it when I say that I’ll be here for you no matter what."
"You won’t run? You won’t get scared? You won’t leave me alone? "
"No, not after I gained so much of your trust, and especially not after you confessed to me what you went through."
"I like you." he said in a muffled voice.
"What? I couldn’t hear you. "
"I like you." he said, this time speaking clear and a little louder. His heart started to beat faster, his breaths were shallow and he started to prepare himself for the worst, for Devon to get up and leave, to ignore him for the rest of the life and for him to slowly drown. He just waited in silence to see what will happen next, although he already started to tighten his grip on his knees and lean further into the couch. The anxiety of having blown one of the few bridges that kept him from losing his sanity was quickly eating him alive.
"Let’s say I like you too." Devon whispered into his ear, moving closer to him, and placing and arm around the blonde’s shoulders, tugging at him to get closer to him.
"Really?" he said, turning in an instant, his face mere inches from the other, his brown eyes gleaming with excitement and soft, tender actually. When he realized how close he was to the other, a pale blush spread across his face, a faint smile on his lips.
"Really." he said as he closed the space between them and pressed his lips on the other .
He could feel the smile and shyness of the man in front of him, and he loved every moment of it. The kiss was soft, and slow, taking in eachother as safely as they could, probing every inch of sensible skin. As they parted lips they looked eachother in the eyes and smiled softly at one another. Suddenly, Conrad’s eyes filled with tears, that started to run uncontrollably, yet his smile was still there. He didn’t even realised it until Devon pointed it out.
"Heeey, why are you crying?" the dark haired boy asked, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him closer.
"I don’t really know?"
"Am I such a bad kisser?"
"Far from it. he said as he leaned completely into the hug, tears still streaming down his face.
"You ok?
"Yeah, just, …, glad to be here, with you. Thank you…. I’m…
"Don’t thank me for liking you. I like you because you are you, bossy, sometimes a little full of yourself, kind, brave, but most of all honest and straight-forward. But I won’t deny it, you are very cute when you let yourself be more soft and vulnerable. You actually are a big softie on the inside."
"Oh shut up! I’m not a softie. You are the one that is a softie, not me." he said through a laugh, wiping his tears away.
"Mhm, sure, and I’m supposed to believe you? Yeah, wishful thinking." Devon said, lips pressed against Conrad’s hair.
"Well don’t get used to this cause this isn’t standard me. "
"I know, I like this you, but I actually fell for the bossy and demanding one. So, feeling a little better? Hydrated that skin of yours?"
"Really?" he looked up at Devon, a serious expression on his face.
"Shit, too soon. I’m sorry, I-" the boy started to panic, thinking he screwed it up.
"I got you so good. a laugh escaping his mouth and he made himself more comfortable in the embrace of his crush. I really don’t know why I started to cry, I guess all the anxiety that built up during the weeks finally went out, or I guess that I just realised, that I can finally have you. I can finally have you, with whom I can share my feelings much more freely than with my friends. I realised that you are here, you stuck here, and you chose me. You know me so well, and basically you forced my ass to take care of myself, and when you kissed me, it just became so real, so natural. You knew me when I was at my highest, and now you know me when I’m at my lowest, and you still chose me, chose to love me. … Wow, I really had a whole verbal dihareea about my feelings and I just realised how desperate I sound. "
"Nah, you sound like you finally placed your happiness before the happiness of others, and like you finally opened your heart for the first time in a long while. I just want to say, you don’t have to explain your feelings to me, yeah it’s nice, but I know that you aren’t very keen, or good for that matter, at expressing your emotions. But, but, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know how you feel. I’m content with just knowing that you feel certain things and that you feel comfortable enough to share them with me. Just, please don’t shut me out, no running form me, no avoiding me, not silent treatment. Just tell me exactly what happened ok?" he said as he tighten his grip around the man that made himself small.
"Ok. I really care about you and I don’t want to lose you. I will try my best. I will try and get better, but I… I will need your help, gosh, it’s so hard to ask this. I feel pathetic. But I will try to solve my problems if it means I can share my heart with you." he sighed and hid his face into his knees.
"It’s not pathetic, it’s a request for help, help that you need. You asked me about this, and I’m all in for this relationship. Plus I had a crush on you for a really long time, and the fact that you almost drove yourself to the ER made me realise that if I won’t do something, I will lose you, even if I didn’t had the chance to confess this to you. And I do not want to lose you, dickhead." he said as he pressed a kiss on top of Conrad’s head.
"You called this a relationship?" he looked up at Devon, with a dumb smile plastered on his face.
"I-I, I guess I did." he said, a small blush creeping on his face.
"Kiss me." he said boldy.
"Wh-what?"
"Just kiss me." his smile widened and his eyes got bigger, softer.
"Well then, it seems like your personality is showing again. Too bad, I liked emotional and vulnerable Conrad, but I won’t complain." he said as he pressed another kiss on the blonde man’s lips, moving his hands to lift up his chin and tilt his head back.
"I’m so lucky to have you. he said, closing his eyes and letting himself lean against the other’s body, letting his mind and muscles relax a little, leaning his head on the other’s shoulder, a content smile on his face.
"And I’m grateful you let me be here with you and I’m grateful to the universe for making you like me as much as I like you. But now, you need to go to sleep. You are free tomorrow so you need to sleep at least 7 hours. Or else…"
"Or else what?" he said smirking, his eyes still closed.
"I’ll let your mind imagine the rest." he whispered flirtingly in his ears.
"Devooon!" he said as his face turned a little pink, but not moving an inch. "But I don’t want to sleep. I’m comfortable here, with you."
"But your body needs some sleep, Con."
"Then sleep with me, here."
"Wow, so quick to get me naked. I didn’t know you wanted me THIS BAD."
"Oh, shut up, you know what I meant." the blonde one said, covering the redness of his face with his palms.
"Are you sure you want me here? "
"I think I know what I want. Plus it’ll help me a lot."
"Fine then. Devon said smiling wide. Then let’s get comfortable." he whispered pressing a kiss on the other’s temple.
"Can you lay on me?" Conrad said bluntly.
"What-"
"Can you lay on me, as in sleep on me?"
"I understood what you mean, but I didn’t read you as the type to like being laid upon."
"Let’s say that now I really need to feel like every part of my body is covered and weighted upon. It always made me calmer, more relaxed and it made me feel safe."
"Then I will do just that." he said as he grabbed a blanket and kissed his now boyfriend.
Conrad laid on the couch, arms crossed in front of him. When Devon came back, he smiled softly at him, and pressed a kiss on his forehead. He made himself comfortable on top of the blonde man, placing his head on the pillow next to the other, his arms circled his torso, and his legs tangling with the other’s. Devon placed kisses continuously on Conrad’s cheek and he tightens his grip on the other with each moment.
"Are you comfortable?"
"The most comfortable I’ve been in weeks. Thank you. I don’t know what I’ll be doing without you. I…"
"I know. I’ll be here for you anytime you need. But now you need sleep. I like a sassy Conrad, not a grumpy and irate one."
"And I like a soft Devon, not an upset one, so I’ll go to sleep. "
"I like this soft, clingy and needy Conrad, glad I’m able to unearth this side of you. Good night Con. Sleep well."
"Good night Dev, thank you for being here. Thank you for helping me, and if I can return it sometime, just tell me. Have nice dreams." he said as he pressed a kiss on his nose, and then his lips, his
arms comfortably swung across the other’s shoulders.
"My dreams have already come true when you kissed me and let me in your mind and heart. You were my dream and it became real." he whispered into the blonde man’s ear.
The 2 fell into a comfortable silence, the only action between them being the soft rubbings of skin or warm and moist exhales. They were comfortable, they were happy and the safety of their bubble made them feel like the world stopped and the only one that remains here is the one in their embrace. Slowly they drifted into a peaceful sleep, with smiles plastered on their face. The blanket that rested on top of them was surprisingly fluffy and the pillow was especially soft. Outside, soft droplets hit the window and the warm light of the room engulfed their bubble, their space, their connection.
As the morning came, Devon was the first to wake up. Thanks to the positioning of the sofa, the sun blessed the two with it’s rays and it just happened that Conrad looked like a sculpture from marble. The rays of sunshine made his face seem so warm and calm. He took one look at his face and decided that this is his favourite sight he had ever seen. He spend what felt like an eternity looking at his face, admiring it from afar. Then he decided to scoot closer, sticking his nose into his neck and brushing one of his cheeks with his thumb. This prompted a change in his newly acquired boyfriend, a small smile penetrating form the previous neutral expression. He didn’t wake up, just leaned into the touch a little and smiled. He stayed like that for a while, and just took in the view, sometimes pressing little kisses on his face. When he woke up the clock showed 8:00 AM, but when he looked again, he saw that it showed 9:00 AM.
"Good morning admirer."
"Good morning beauty sleeper."
"You know, I could report you for looking at me while sleeping. Kinda creepy."
"I don’t think they would take you seriously since you are kinda hugging the so called stalker. "
"Fair enough. How you doin baby?"
"I’m fine, how did you sleep, “baby”." he said as he blushed hard at the nickname.
"It was one of my best sleep in weeks. I really got a good night’s sleep with you here. I was so comfortable under you, with your breath on my skin, and your lips on my neck. You know you whine when you sleep? When I would move my hands along your back, you would sigh or lean into the touch, but there is a spot that made you lean hard into my touch and it is here." Conrad said as he started rubbing circles on a spot on the other’s lower back which made Devon immediately go slump and lean into the touch, a small sigh escaping his mouth as he closed his eyes.
"Stooop." Devon said as he regained his composure, burying his face into the blonde man’s neck.
"This would be very interesting. I didn’t know you are such a blushing mess. I love it."
"Ok, flirty asshole, it’s time for us to go and eat."
"Noo, I don’t want to. I wanna stay here with you, maybe tease you a little."
"Con, we need to eat. If you want to, I can prepare something then we can just eat. "
"Noo, I want you here with me. I don’t want anything, but be here with you." he said as he pressed a kiss on his nose, but then quickly slapping his ass and grabbing it.
"CON!" he whined into his skin. "Stoooop!"
"Well you said that you fell for me because of my flirting, honey."
"Conrad…"
"What baby, have something to say?" he said as he pressed a kiss on his neck, biting softly into it.
"Ok, that’s it. If you like to be this flirty, I only consider it fair to make you as red as me." he said as he braced himself, then started tickling the hell out of the boy that rested underneath him.
"N-no, stop pleaseee."
"How the tables have turned."
"Stooop!" he spoke through laughter, trying to escape the mischevious hands that made him laugh so loud.
"Nope."
"Anything, I’ll do anything." he wheezed out.
"Meh, this won’t work this time. Consider this payback."
"Nooot faiiir. "
"Oh but it is. You were very smug when you were making me a blushing mess. Now I’m making you a laughing mess."
"Please, please! Anything, I’ll stop it! We can go and eat!" he said trying to remove the hands and trying to escape from under the other.
"Fine, I’ll let you off this time." he said, smirking at the blonde man.
"You are ruthless." he said panting, body relaxed into the couch, face turned to his boyfriend.
"I knew you were ticklish, but not like this." he cupped Conrad’s face, rubbing his thumbs against the rough beard on the side of his face.
"How the fuck did you know that? he said through an exhale, the red color of his face draining slowly from his face.
"Well, let’s say Nic helped a friend in need. "
"Backstabber." he said in a fake-offended voice, a faint smile returning to his face, while he grabbed the hands that cupped his face and kissed them slowly, partly because of self protection in case he would be tickled again, partly because he liked to feel the constant touch of Devon, partly because he wanted to show him that he didn’t take this as an insult or as a thing to get upset, just some playful teasing.
"More like, I observed and just went to confirm my information. Also yes I like when you are flirty, I like when you make me blush, but not when you make me a blushing mess. I like it when it’s playful teasing, not a race to see how red I can get. he moved his hands into the other’s hair, pulling him in for a kiss. Plus she was the one that came to me all concerned about you. She told me that you need help and that I was the only one that could help you."
"Good to kno- wait did you just tell me that Nic went to you to ask for help to get me better?" he said as he looked at the dark haired boy, a nod clearly visible. "Well, I guess I should thank her because you really knew how to help me. I am a little hungry, what about you?"
"Oh, now you’re hungry?" he looked at him, rolling his eyes and scoffing.
"Yes, I’d like to eat with you, and maybe you." he whispered.
"Conrad!" he said, smiling shyly but then pressed a kiss on his lips, a deep red spreading across his cheeks. If you want to, I don’t see why not.
"Let’s prepare something to eat. Also I love you a lot and I just realised I actually love you, not only like you."
"Conrad Hawkins! You did not just confess your feelings for me right after you just told me that you’ll eat me."
"I guess I just did."
"God give me strenght." he says as he press another kiss on the man’s lips, circling his arms around the other’s waist and sneaking his fingers a little under his shirt.
"Skipping the main meal and getting straight to the dessert? So dirty."
"Let’s say that a certain someone knows how to hit the right spots. Also I love you too. "
"Copycat." he said as he started kissing the dark-haired man’s neck, biting it softly and obtaining some much yearned and melodious moans for his boyfriend.
As their relationship evolved, the 2 became closer and closer. At first they spent as much time as they could with one another, from dinner nights to lazy mornings, from quick kisses on the hallways to having rounds of sex at either one of their apartments. After some months of dating, they decided to move in, to get their own place, to have their own intimacy, their own space. This helped Conrad a lot, and this, along with Devon’s unconditional support and his friends’ good listening skills and a great psychologist, he managed to get over most of his troubles.
At first they’ve kept their relationship a secret, not wanting to make it public since they just made it official, but Nic quickly caught on since she was Conrad’s best friend and they all worked together. She didn’t say a thing, but let them know that she knew, through little comments and winks, but none of them caught up to this. At one point, in an empty room where the three were trying to figure out what to do with the case they were presented with. Devon was stretching and the lower side of his shirt lifted up, and that’s when Nic casually said “Nice hickeys, Connor always knows how and where to make them as to not be visible.” Devon looked at her like a deer in headlights and tried to blabber a little, while Conrad split his look between her and his boyfriend. He had a stupid smile on his face and then he grabbed Devon by the waist and pulled him in closer, kissing him on the forehead. At this gesture, Nic giggled and hugged them, congratulating them and wishing them good luck. The next one that found out was Priya since she was Devon’s best friend and the one that helped push his sorry ass to e brave enough to accept his feelings and maybe ask him out. Sure, things didn’t turn out exactly like that, but she was an essential pillar for the boy and she was the only one with whom he could talk freely and openly from the start. As the girl heard the news, she basically started to jump and giggle and squeezed Devon into a tight hug, making the boy jump with her. She sat him down and then made him tell her everything, which he gladly did and he told her everything, and at some point she went and made some chai for the story to go smoother. The next ones to find out were Mina and Irving, the first one always the observant, noticing how close the two were all the time and the little whispers and smiles and hand holdings, while the latter found out when the guys told him. Ultimately, the rest of their group found out when they hosted a movie night and they all congratulated the two, making them feel accepted and free from having to hide all the time.
When they decided to move in, they prepared themselves, they planned a lot of things, from their shifts to couple activities and social events, from annoying habits to planning how to live in harmony without killing eachother. But sometimes, things just happen, unexpected situations that unearth things that weren’t talked about, or planned before. And they managed to get by these types of hardships surprisingly well, always placing trust in eachother and always being there for the other no matter what. Even if they had different personalities and were doctors with different approaches to medical care, most of the time they seemed to share a connection that at times creeped their group of friends. Sometimes they were able to complete eachother’s sentences which stirred some reactions for sure. Mina and Irving would gag and make sounds while Nic, Raptor, Jude and Alec would laugh at them. When Priya was around, she would squeak and giggle telling them that they were so cute together and Jessica would smile at them and make hearts with her hands.
One time the two were tired from working a long shift that almost ended in tragedy, but luckly they found out what was the problem and solved it. The boys went to sleep, cuddled into one another, with Devon’s head buried into the other’s chest and with their arms hung around eachother. They kissed eachother good night, and then slowly drifted to sleep. The night was silent, and the warm lights of the lamp posts were glowing in the window, setting the quiet and calm atmosphere. Suddenly, Conrad shot up, breathing heavily and looking frantically in the room, trying to find something. He placed his hand on his chest to try and force some air in and out, while his head was leaning against the wall, tears threatening his eyes and panic taking over him. As he started to hyperventilate hard, he felt a hand on his back, and a pair of arms that tugged him into a hug. He let himself be engulfed in the arms that so gently circled him, placing his head against the warm chest, and the hand that hung against his chest slowly abandoned the fabric for the soft skin and tender fingers that intertwined with his. The hand that caressed his back slowly, moved in circles and pressed softly against it. Devon tightened the hug making him comfortable in his arms, and soon his breath started to even out, his eyes shutting comfortably and his arms hung around the arms that hugged him. The black-haired boy pressed kisses on top of the other's head, and then on his cheek and temple. He whispered in his ear calming thoughts and reassurances, things that would calm him.
"What happened baby?"
"I had a... nightmare." a shaky voice answered.
"You're ok now baby. But what was the nightmare about? Maybe it'll help."
"You were... I was... we-", but he couldn't manage to say more, as tears flooded his eyes and his throat started to close, leaving him breathing heavily for air.
Devon panicked a little seeing how Conrad has gone into another panic attack so he engulfed him in his arms one again, kissing his head and letting him cry. He started to press kisses on his head and to hug him tight, but this only made things worse, Conrad sobbing uncontrollably and clinging hard to his t-shirt. He said in a soft voice things that would ground him, he reminded him he is in their room, in their apartment, in their little house, with him pressed against his body, with his kisses against his head, with his arms circled around his waist and chest. When even this didn't work, he tried to think of other ways yo calm someone, while doing the same thing as before to at least try something to calm him. He tried everything, from different tactics learnt from his parents from books he read in the past. Out of nowhere he remembered a book he read when he was studying about babies and their development that holding them skin to skin helps calm them down and doing this constantly can help develop their cognitive functions. So he took out his shirt and placed it on the floor. He made some space for Conrad, then he slowly moved his hands under his shirt and started to lift it.
"Not the time for sex…" he murmured through sobs, even he didn’t know why he couldn’t control.
"Do you think I would fuck you while you are having a breakdown? What kind of person do you think I am? Just trust me." he said as he lifted his shirt without much resistance from his boyfriend.
Then he moved themselves a little, with him leaning against the bed board, and the blonde boy sitting on his lap sideways, with his head resting on the other’s chest, knees close to his own body, and cheeks pressed against the warm skin of his boyfriend. Devon circled his back with one arm, tightening it around the other’s body, hand resting on his abs, and the other arm going under his knees and resting on his thigh, slowly rubbing circles into it. The brown boy started to sing a song that he remembered from his childhood, a song that was everywhere he went when he was little and in his household old bollywood songs would play constantly. The song was “Yaadon ki baaraat”, song that he thought it fit their relationship. With a soft and low voice, he started to murmur it, while he rubbed circles on Conrad’s body and rocked him back and forth like a baby. This helped him, and soon he started to calm down. Devon continued to sing different hindi songs that reminded him of their relationship, and to make him as comfortable in his arms as humanly possible.
Connor was hyperventilating and was crying uncontrollably, but when his skin made contact with his boyfriend’s he immediately felt a wave of relief, of comfort. He let his body relax and tried to take control of his emotions but still to no avail. So he decided to focus on the warmth of his skin, the calm breaths and the constant heartbeats.This grounded him and managed to calm his sporadic ones, in an effort to match his. With time he regained composure and tears stopped falling from his eyes, all while his godsent of a boyfriend would sing soothing songs in a language he doesn’t understand, but can feel the emotions behind the words, and soft touches that went all along the body, touches that made his skin feel on fire, that made him feel protected and safe. But most of all, the heartbeats that he felt, made him feel appreciated, that this man did everything he could to make him safe, and in the process, proceeded to make himself vulnerable.
"You are an angel, not a person." Conrad whispered and pressed a kiss on his chest.
"Where did that come from?"
"You asked me what kind of person I think you are, and you aren’t a person, you are an angel."
"Wow, that is so nice of you to say. "
"Hey, are you saying that I’m not giving you enough compliments? Wow, ungrateful." a sarcastic voice responded.
"I’m kidding baby. I just love when you compliment me, and it’s rare when I get such a heartfelt and pure compliment."
"And now you say that my compliments are fake?"
"No,that’s not what I mean- oh just forget-"
"I’m joking Dev. I’ll try and be more heartfelt with my compliments."
"No, don’t do it. The fact that you tell me these compliments so rarely makes them mean a lot more. I love them because you give them to me in vulnerable and special moments, which makes me appreciate them more since I know that you actually mean them. How are you feeling?"
"Better thanks to you. I am glad to have you. I don’t know what would I do without you." he said as he pressed himself harder against the other’s body, hugging him loosely.
"Do you want to talk to me about the dream?"
"…yeah…"
"If you don’t want to-"
"I want to, but I am not used to share my deepest thoughts like these. But I really want to, cause it hurts too much to just hold it in and let myself be engulfed by them."
-Ok, baby. Tell me, what did you dream about?" he said as he engulfed him in a hug.
"Well, I was in the ER, and you had an accident. You were brought there and were in critical condition. I did CPR on you for 1 hour and you were dead. And I was left there, with your lifeless body. And it broke me. To see you like that, and to feel like that, it was horrible. And I realised how much I cared about you, and I thought I lost you forever." he told the black haired boy, 2 tears rolling on his cheeks.
"Baby, I’m here." he said cupping his face and wiping the tears off his face. I am here with you, and I am not going anywhere soon. "We are here and hugging, staying comfortable. I am here for you and with you, and I will be here for every step. I can’t imagine what you felt, and I don’t want to because it would hurt too much. I love you baby, and I promise I will be here till the end of my days, because I can’t imagine a life without you. There is no one that understands me better and there is no one I would choose to spend my life other than you. I would love to cradle you for the rest of my life."
"I love you too, thank you for saying that." he said smiling and pressed a kiss on his lips, then peppering his way down with kisses until he reached his chest, where he placed a big kiss and then laid his head.
"I’m happy to hear that baby. What do you want to do?"
"I’m tired, but I don’t really feel like sleeping. Maybe a cup of hot chocolate and some cuddling with my love?" he said with a sleepy voice and with big eyes.
"Ok Con. I love you, so, so much." he said as he pressed another kiss on his lips and one on his head, then grabbing him in princess style and laying him on a chair in the kitchen.
The two stayed in the kitchen and talked for a while, drinking some hot chocolate Devon made. They talked about their day, about their fears and about their love. Conrad at some point got up from his chair and sat on his lap, kissing his boyfriend and hugging him while they continued their conversation. He still was grateful that that was just a nightmare, and the fact that he could feel the warmth of his skin and his beating heart made him relax and be happy that he is there. They went to bed after an hour, cuddling and holding eachother, with Conrad on top of the dark haired boy, that had his hands around him protectively. The blonde one smiled at him and pressed a deep kiss on his lips, a smile forming against them, making the two giggle and looking comfortably into eachother’s eyes, a sense of love and care penetrated their gaze.
"Thank you for loving me and being patient with me."
"Thank you for letting me in and for not blocking me out."
"I love you!" he said grabbing the back of the blonde one’s neck.
"I love you too!" he said as he pressed another kiss on his lips, softly parting their lips and returning to rest his head on his chest.
They fell into a comfortable silence and after some time of just cuddling, they fell asleep once again, this time all smiles and happiness in eachother’s arms, with Conrad being the small spoon, their skin pressed against eachother, sharing the warmth and contact, their breathing synchronizing and their heartbeats slowing down. They were happy that now, they managed to tell eachother how they truly feel and they were glad that they had one another. It was times like this that proved to them how much one cared for the other. This made Conrad feel much more honest, and clingy to Devon, enjoying his flirty side in public a lot more and showing affection to him a lot more than usual, thorough little touches and words, even compliments that were much more frequent and very much appreciated.
Even with all the chaotic medic life, they still made time do to things together like cooking, cleaning, going for runs or just simply staying cuddled and watching a movie once in a blue moon. The two liked to run and found comfort in doing it, spending time talking and moving in nature, making them more relaxed and more energized for the rest of the day. Also they wouldn’t push themselves too much, even if Conrad would sometimes try and push, Devon was there to slow him down and make him take things easy since his tendency to overwork himself was still very much present.
Once they were starting their morning with a run, which went well for the most part, except for some moments where Devon went a little out of breath, but most of it was fine. They were almost back to their home, when Devon’s airways started to close, his chest aching and breathing hard. Conrad was still running, thinking that Devon was near him, but when he looked to his side and didn’t see his boyfriend he panicked and looked behind him. As he looked behind him, his mind started to overthink everything since he saw the brown boy grasping his chest and breathing heavily. He immediately ran to him and started to question him, panic and the medic instincts kicking in.
"Baby, what happened?"
"I can’t breathe. It’s hard."
"Do you have any prior medical condition? Or allergies? What triggered it?"
"I-I think I forgot to spray my inhaler."
"Inhaler? You’re asthmatic?
"Y-yes…"
"Where is it ? Do you have it on you?" he said in a harsh tone.
"No. It’s at home."
"Let’s get it. Lean against me and when it becomes to hard to breathe tell me. Please." he said, face full of concern and some traces of anger.
"Ok…"
The two walked slowly to their house that was close by, about 3 minutes of walking. The brown boy was hanging by his boyfriend, letting all his weight on him, and tried to breathe as deep and as calmly as possible since he knew that his airways could close anytime. As the building was now sitting proud in front of their view, Devon grasped his chest and told Conrad that he can’t move anymore since he could feel as his breath became more shallow with every step. The blonde boy picked him up bridal style and told him to let his head fall backwards, as to open up his airways a little and to make it easier to breathe. He carried hit to their house and when they entered it, the boy asked where the inhaler was. The other one said that it was inside his backpack and Conrad took it and gave it to Devon. After the neccesarry puffs, his breathing became normal, and he sighed, a wave of relief hitting him.
"When did you plan to tell me that you have asthma? Or let me guess, never? Wow, and to think that you of all people wouldn’t lie to me. This could’ve got you killed! You could’ve died, just because you didn’t tell about this. It’s a medical condition for fuck’s sake, and a dangerous one if you aren’t careful! he said almost yelling."
"…."
"Well, don’t just stare at me, say something! Or am I so unimportant to you that I don’t deserve to know that you have a condition that could get you killed if you are reckless! You always told me to tell you everything and to trust you! How can I trust you now? You lied to me the whole time, I was vulnerable around you and you know how I am usually, yet you couldn’t be with me, you couldn’t tell me, a medic, something so important." the anger in his voice changing into something worse, dissappointment.
"I was ashamed. I’m s-sorry. I didn’t think that it would mean this much to you and it’s something I don’t like to talk about. I’m sorry." a shaky voice answered.
"Well guess what it did mean a lot! You don’t like to talk about it? I talked about every problem I ever had with you, because I trusted you! Fuck! I still trust you! But you don’t trust me enough to even tell me this? Gosh…" he said as he left the hallway and went into the bedroom.
"I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it mattered so much. I’m sorry… I am ashamed by this, so, so ashamed… I…I hurt you, I didn’t want to. I’m sorry…" he said as he slid against the wall, knees pressed against his chest and tears forming in his eyes.
Devon stood in the hallway and sobbed silently, while Conrad was pacing in their room, trying to calm down. He took some deep breaths and looked around him, small tears forming into his eyes too. Looking through the room he found a photo of them and a t-shirt that was on the freshly made bed, Devon’s t-shirt. He changed his shirt with his boyfriend’s and stood on the bed, with the photo in his hand. It was a photo of the two of them, with the brown boy kissing his cheek and him smiling wide, both of them sitting in a park. They were so happy, and Conrad smiled when he remembered that time. He really loved this boy and he would place his life in his hands, especially after he had been there for him when he needed him most. He knows how hard it has been for him to open up about all his trauma and problems and he knows how patient and calm Devon was, how he made him feel comfortable and how he listened to him and waited for him to open up and didn’t force or rush him. So, he took a few deep breaths to calm what little anger remained in him, went to the kitchen and drank a cup of water to clear his mind, and then grabbed one for Devon aswell.
"Dev, here, have some water."
"I don’t want to…"
"Please, baby."
"Ok…Thank you…"
"No problem." he said as he took the empty glass back and placed it on a table while he sat next to Devon.
"So, you mentioned being ashamed." the blonde boy whispered, his arms circling his boyfriend’s body and pulling him into a hug. "Do you want to tell me about this or would you like some more time and space?"
"What? You are not angry anymore?" he said in a confused tone, wiping his tears away.
"Nope. And I’m sorry I got angry. It’s just, I was feeling betrayed and scared, scared that I could lose you, and betrayed because I felt like you didn’t trust me enough to tell me this. But I’m sorry I yelled at you and I’m sorry that I released all my anger on you, I shouldn’t have done it. Can you forgive me?"
"Of course dumbass. It’s still my fault that I lied to you still. I’m sorry." he said as he laid his head against his chest, eyes shut and a sad smile covering his lips.
"You don’t have to apologise, just that… . If it is a medical condition I need to know about because I need to know how can I help you, and I want you to know that you can tell me this. I know I’m not a great talker, but I’m a great listener and I really do hope that I make you comfortable enough for you to be honest with me. I love you and I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide from me." one arm rubbing the small of his back, and the other caressing his cheek softly, pulling him tighter to his body.
"I am sorry that I made you feel like that. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, it’s the fact that I never thought of it as a problem, or at least not a life endangering problem since I was always careful with my medication. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to change your view on me..."
"Why would I change my view on you, baby?"
"Well, when I was little I was always marginalised because I had asthma. I wasn’t allowed to run around too much, I was treated like I could break at any time and when I coughed, teachers would go crazy and enter bear mode. It always was a thing that made me weak and at one point I decided I wasn’t going to allow it to make me weak anymore. I simply just started to not tell anyone that I had asthma, I was extra careful with my medication and I simply did what everyone was doing. If I would go out of breath I would always carry an inhaler with me, but now I had forgotten it. I had enough of people coddling me and treating me like a vase that needed to stay in place to not start an asthmatic crisis. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to treat me like I was weak. Plus you needed a shoulder to lean on and I needed to be strong for you, and how could I’ve been strong when you viewed me as a constant source of stress that I could have an episode at any time. "
"Hey, look at me. he said as he pressed a finger to his forehead. You, are so stupid sometimes. he tapped his finger 3 times. You were there for me when I was at my lowest, helping me, being patient and you never ran off, you stayed with me. You were there for me all the time, and I learned to be more oped with my feelings and thoughts. You aren’t weak, you are strong, and patient, and calm, and beautiful. I wouldn’t have changed my mind if I knew before. I would simply carry one with me in case you forgot one and I would ask if you wanted to talk about it. I am here probably thanks to you, you are strong baby, don’t forget that. I love you, all of you, with everything that you represent. And don’t feel ashamed for hiding things from me or for being vulnerable around me please. I was vulnerable with you and you helped me with advice and a shoulder to cry, so I will do the same. You did so much for me, it’s fair that I do the same. "he ended with a kiss pressed on his lips.
"Thank you..." he whispered and turned to face him, jumping into a hug that sent them both flat on the ground.
"You really are an emotional smoothie right now aren’t you? "he said laughing as he caught his lips into another kiss.
"Well, how couldn’t I be after such a beautiful speech. I really mean it, thank you." he said as he smiled shyly burying his face into his chest.
"I was thinking..."
"You can actually do that?" Devon said sarcastically.
"Wow, such a nice way to treat you supportive boyfriend. "
"I was joking, and you know it too." he pressed a kiss on his forehead.
"Anyways, I was wondering if you would like to dance with me."
"Of course baby, anything but 80’ music please."
"Firstly, what do you have with the 80’ and secondly, I was thinking something more folk... bhangra?"
"You want to learn bhangra?"
"Yeah, I mean it’s a nice dance and it’s closer to your roots, and I was thinking it would be nice to get to know this part of you."
"Of course I would like to dance with you." he said as he hugged him tight. "But, I have something to give to you before."
"But what have I done to deserve this."
"You’ll see." he said smirking.
As the two got up, Conrad went and searched for some music to dance on and Devon went to their bedroom and searched for the surprise he made. When he found it he placed it behind his back and walked happily to his blonde boy and stood in the door smiling wide at his confused, yet smiling face. He got closer to the other one, smirking widely at him.
"So, I have something for you, but promise me you won’t laugh at it ok? "
"I promise I won’t. his lips still curved into a smile. Can I see it?"
"Be patient baby. You asked me why would you deserve it, so I might aswell tell you. First of all, I love you and that is reason enough, then it’s because you let me inside your mind and feelings, and now it’s a thank you for not treating me differently and listening to me. "
"Such a considerate boyfriend I have." he said as he got closer, circling his hands around his waist and pressed a kiss on his forehead, while also trying to grab the thing that the dark-haired boy was holding.
"So impatient."
"Or maybe you’re dragging it too much." he said as he pressed him against a wall, one hand circling his waist and cupping his ass, the other going on the side of his neck, peppering his face with kisses.
"Con…" he said as his cheeks turned pink. "Fine, here it is." he brought his hands between them, holding a teddy bear that had a heart stitched on his stomach, with their initials sown inside it and a little stethoscope that was inside his ears.
"It’s so cute!" he said through a laugh and grabbed it to analyse it better, noticing some EKG lines that represented tachycardia.
"Hey you said no laughing."
"It’s cute, and meaningful. Thank you for the gift." he pressed his lips against his, then holding the teddy bear in front of him, booping their noses.
"I think you’re having too much fun with this."
"You think?" a smile appearing on his face.
"Oh, I forgot to mention I made the little details, like the heart and EKG lines and the initials."
"What? You did them?!" he said shocked.
"Yeah, so hard to believe?" now him being the one circling his hands around his neck.
"Nope, just… unexpected. A pleasant surprise. This teddy bear just gained a whole new level of meaning for me, baby. Thank you!" he pressed his forehead against his, then grabbing him by the waist and spinning him into the air, gaining a laugh from him.
As he placed him down, the two started to dance and after some time, Conrad could do the basic steps and be on time with the moves. They continued to dance like this when they had some free time and as time went on the blonde boy continued to get better and better at this. Devon started to show more of his love through little gifts and trinkets, like a keychain that reminded him of Conrad, or a photo album with them throughout the year, or a bracelet with his favourite stones and a verse from their favourite song. He became much more open with the boy too, telling him more of his traumas and he received lots of hugs and sometimes, if things got bad, Conrad would make him a dessert that his mom used to do to him when he was small. With time, their relationship blossomed and their friends and colleagues were there for it, some of them cheering the 2, some of them jealous that they can’t have this, some of them gagging when the two started to flirt with one another. Sometimes they would host gatherings with their friends and one time they started to teach them this dance too, and as the rest got ready to go out, Conrad got down on one knee and asked Devon to be his husband. He said yes and the two embraced, while applauses were roaring in their little house. Even Mina was cheering for them, and ironically she was the most vocal. Somehow these two managed to become a couple that she appreciated a lot for their communication and skill to solve their issues. The next time they will dance bhangra in public will be at their wedding, where they, along with their friends will celebrate their love, that went through ups and down, that started in such a vulnerable space and that managed to thrive even with their chaotic lifestyles and personal traumas, that held much less power over them than they did before, thanks to being there for eachother.