A Thousand Plant-Children

by Yemi Hikari (Yemi_Hikari)

Summary:

Thanks to Kakashi, Tenzo thinks he's in a polygamous relationship with his plants. Thanks to Tenzo, Kakashi has a plant-daughter named Rin-chan. Thanks to both of them, a strange trend of plant-children takes hold over Konoha, with certain individuals unsure of whether this is a good thing, or a bad thing.

Notes:

Disclaimer - I don't know Naruto. Next word in the thirty-day challenge is thousand, with the piece being entirely written and needs a once over before posting the parts, but something I felt needed to be broken up into multiple chapters and posted over numerous days, but it also it fits writing something outside of my comfort zone for the monthly Froday challenge for August 2025, as it's shorter chapters and leans towards the crackfic genre which I don't do very often as it's definitely outside of my comfort zone for writing.

Chapter 1: Drunk Depressed

Notes:

Note - chapters have jumped from 15 to 16 to be posted because the last chapter reminded me of a part I hadn't written (two parts), that I wrote into one part that will be posted later.

“There’s a thousand ways to say I love you,” Kakashi opined, his voice sounding terrible, his breath smelling of liquor the vendor shouldn’t have been selling to them, but did because they were shinobi, and thus adults even though they wouldn't be considered adults if they otherwise weren't. “And I could never tell her I loved her.”

—thud—

Tenzo frowned, looking over, and—

“Senpai!”

Kakashi ’s young kohai stiffened, seeing Kakashi’s head hit the counter, drool coming through his mask onto said counter, while his eyes glazed over.

“Here!” Tenzo quickly turned, paying their tab before pulling Kakashi’s arm over his shoulder so they could escape back to Tenzo’s apartment.

 

Chapter 2: Plant Polygamy

Kakashi’s eyes, or eye, came into focus, looking at the ceiling, letting out a groan. A hand reached up to his head, regretting the decision to get drunk simply because there were no back-to-back missions to rely on to numb the emotional pain, particularly since if they found out, it would result in the Yamanaka head throwing a fit over underage drinking. At the same time, the Hokage would lecture him about an ANBU making himself unfit for duty.

Or so he thought.

“Sempai.”

“Wait. Was Tenzo drinking with me? When did he even show up? Had I known…”

“You were babbling,” Tenzo said, his voice straining.

“Oh? You drunk too?”

—pause—

“Tenzo?”

“I kinda had a drink,” Tenzo admitted, which in the back of Kakashi’s head was enough reason to curb that bit of delinquency until he was actually old enough to drink, which was unfortunately two more years. Not that he did it often, but teaching Tenzo bad habits—

“Not a good sempai, am I?”

“But you were babbling!”

Kakashi groaned. “What did I say this time that I can’t take back?”

“That there’s a thousand ways to say I love you!”

“Well, I do love you, Tenzo,” Kakashi chuckled, now finding himself amused.

“Not me. Her.”

Kakashi stiffened.

“How do you tell her that you love her?”

“Eh?” Kakashi looked at the ceiling, regretting that he let something regarding Rin slip, but, “So, girlfriend troubles?”

—pause—

Kakashi continued looking at the ceiling.

“How do I tell any of them?” Tenzo said. “If you’re so worried about telling her.”

“Hold on,” Kakashi lifted his head, becoming slightly concerned. “You’re in a polygamous relationship?”

—pause—

Then—

“I guess?” Tenzo muttered.

“You’ve got to pick one, Tenzo,” Kakashi said, trying to give the most sage-like advice he could give. “Couldn’t even…”

He stopped speaking, and Tenzo ’s voice strained. “I have to pick one?”

“Well, yes?” Kakashi said.

“How did you pick her?”

“Pick her?” Kakashi said, voice straining. “I think you missed the fact that I can’t tell her that I love her because I killed her.”

“You killed your plant?”

And then Kakashi sat up despite his head feeling woozy. “Wait a sec. Plants?”

“Yeah,” Tenzo said, who then proceeded to introduce Kakashi to his plants, who were his friends and girls, because Tenzo heard some of the older people around Konoha refer to their plants in a feminine way, to which—

Tenzo had named every single one, apparently, and wanted to get more girlfriends, but Kakashi—

He ’d put a damper on that unintentionally.

“It’s fine. It’s fine, really!” Kakashi said, “Just, the name Rin is off limits, okay?”

“What? Why?”

“Rin is mine,” Kakashi said, thinking he couldn’t bear the thought of Tenzo naming one of his plants after her while still being partially drunk. “None of your plants get to be called Rin, got it?”

“Got it.”

Chapter 3: Plant-Daughter

Kakashi stared. He stared at the plant sitting in his ANBU locker with a note attached, the hound mask in his hand as he prepared to put it into the locker.

Tenzo had been a very sneaky little bugger.

Kakashi ’s fingers reached out for the note attached and—

He let out an amused huff.

“Hello. My name is Rin. I am a very easy plant to take care of, Hound-san, so this time you won’t kill me. Attached are the instructions.”

And there were the instructions on another piece of paper titled, “How to care for Rin-chan.”

Kakashi bit his bottom lip, trying not to laugh or even cry uncontrollably, before placing the plant on his hip. “So, shall we be going home, Rin-chan?”

The answer was yes, and it certainly served as a nice distraction, as he would be stuck without a mission for a while again. Some days, he wished ANBU work wasn ’t so sporadic, because missions meant grind your nose to the dirt and blood to tire you out kind, not the ones guarding the Hokage’s office.

He arrived home and set the plant where Tenzo said he should, so it would get the recommended lighting. But one of the instructions—

One of the instructions said he should talk to Rin-chan, which he hadn ’t noticed when he scooped everything up and came home.

“Ah. Let’s see.” Kakashi looked at the ceiling, frowning. “About your mother?” His fingers tightened around his legs, where he sat cross-legged in front of the plant, feeling somewhat nervous, and then, “I loved her. I really did love her.”

And then he looked down, down at his and Rin ’s plant daughter—

In his mind, it worked.

—and he started babbling at Rin-chan about her mother, which was actually quite calming at the end of the day, something he'd not expected, a kind of happy circumstance.

Chapter 4: Therapy Session

Inoichi stared.

He stared at ANBU operative Hound, aka one Hatake Kakashi.

He stared because Kakashi willingly came to therapy.

Kakashi even rescheduled so he could have an earlier time.

And he brought a plant.

That—

“This is my plant daughter,” the nineteen-year-old crooned, being overly affectionate towards said plant as if it were a real daughter.

“What is its name?” Inoichi finally got the courage to ask.

“Rin-chan!”

“Of course.”

“She’s named after her mother.”

To which—

Inoichi froze.

Because he wasn’t looking forward to explaining this one to Lord Third, the feared mental instability of one Hound might have actually manifested itself.

Only, Kakashi babbled about the conversations he had with Rin-chan about her mother and—

Kakashi was actually talking.

Talking about Rin, her death, everything, seemed so much more—

—relaxed.

“Kind of a scary thing.”

Except, it got a bit scarier when his next patient arrived, bringing not one , but multiple plants and—

“Hatake?”

“Yes?”

“You didn’t purposefully reschedule so that your therapy sessions would be right before Tenzo’s?”

“Now why would I do that?” and Kakashi was gone, and—

Inouchi was stuck with a fifteen-year-old shinobi who was convinced he was in a polygamous relationship with his plants, thanks to a certain someone. The fifteen-year-old talked the entire session about figuring out which girlfriend, plural, he needed to give up, because his plants were girls and his friends, and he really didn’t want just one.

Inouchi felt a headache coming on.

Chapter 5: Third Hokage

“Do you want the bad news or the good news first?”

Hiruzen stared at him, but Inoichi couldn ’t blame him, as reports from Inoichi either involved interrogations or the mental health of his shinobi.

“Let’s start with the good, so I don’t have a headache while listening to it?”

“On the positive side of things, ANBU Hound is actually attending therapy as requested.”

“That’s good.”

“And he’s talking about Nohara Rin.”

“That’s very good,” Hiruzen said, relaxing, then he stiffened, hearing the pause. “Wait. What is the bad news?”

“He’s adopted a plant-daughter.”

“A what?” Hiruzen looked at him as if—

“And he insists it’s the love child of his and Nohara Rin, though not exactly in those words.”

“He what?” Hiruzen let out a sigh, sliding down in his chair slightly, because from the sounds of things, Hatake Kakashi sounded as if he were going mad in the head.

“It gets worse.”

“How? How can it get worse?”

“He’s convinced poor ANBU Cat that ANBU Cat is in a polygamous relationship with his plants, and it took me forever to convince ANBU Cat that he doesn’t need to give up one of his friends who is a girl, thus girlfriend.”

Hiruzen groaned, pinching his nose. “So what you mean to say is that Hatake Kakashi is finally going through a rebellious teenager phase that most teens go through, and he ’s enjoying teasing his kohai?”

“That…”

“I admit, it’s not what I want to hear, as for all intents and purposes, it does sound like both are going insane, but given their ages?” Hiruzen sighed, then, “I don’t think it can get any worse than this, do you?”

“No. I guess not?”

Chapter 6: Plant-Siblings

Except it did.

Uchiha Fugaku dragged Uchiha Shisui and Uchiha Itachi out of uniform, telling them, “This madness has to stop.”

Hiruzen looked at two more members of Team Ro who had adopted plants. Shisui held his to his chest, while Itachi balanced his plant on his head. “So? The plants?”

“This is my little brother,” Shisui said, holding his plant close.

Itachi remained silent, frowning. Hiruzen lifted an eyebrow, and then he sighed. “This is Sasuke and my little sister.”

Which meant Team Ro was bringing an outsider in on their little game, resulting in Hiruzen sighing and leaning back. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”

“Overreacting?” Fugaku said. “This strange behavior, this insanity…”

Itachi looked at his father, then Shisui. “Isn’t it a tactic to stay sane by shoving all the insanity onto the plant?”

“Yup,” Shinsui said.

Fugaku didn ’t look pleased with this answer. Hiruzen let out a puff of smoke and looked at the ceiling. “I don’t know about you, but whatever is keeping the ANBU sane must be harmless at the end of the day.”

And that was his answer.

Chapter 7: Genma Too

“Wait? You too?”

Shiranui Genma was the last person Inoichi thought would adopt a plant, but there he was, in the therapy even he, Hokage ’s elite guard, had to partake in.

Inouchi watched Genma shrug his shoulders.

“I haven’t decided whether it’s a mother, grandmother, brother, sister, kind of thing.”

“I see.”

“I’m thinking of naming it Shi-chan.”

“Why?”

“So a certain someone doesn’t find out I named it Kakashi.”

Inouchi stared, then, “And why would you name your plant Kakashi?”

“Because when you try to rant to Kakashi about taking care of himself, you end up talking to air. A plant? A plant-child can’t run away like a Hatake-child can.”

“I see.”

“But at least he’s talking to his plant-daughter,” Genma said. “That’s a start, and a major relief, don’t you think?”

“Yes.”

Because at the end of the day, one of the major stress inducers for the shinobi of Kakashi ’s generation, at least the publically well known ones, was Kakashi not taking care of themselves, because they cared.

Everyone cared about the boy, now a young man, even though he didn ’t think himself worth being cared about.

Chapter 8: Big-Sister

“Sasuke?”

Mikoto ’s attention was drawn to her youngest at the sound of something scraping across the floor.

Sasuke looked up, giving her the most innocent look as he dragged a rather large pot with a rather large plant into the house.

And Fugaku stared in horror, because—

Well, at the end of the day, he thought the whole plant business was still madness despite the Hokage saying it was fine.

And there was Sasuke, finding a big plant-child to take care of, because, well, it was Sasuke.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” Sasuke continued giving her a look of innocence.

“It looks like you have a plant,” Mikoto said. “Care to explain?”

“If Itachi can have a plant as a little sister, then I can have a plant as a big sister.”

—snap—

“Sasuke.”

Mikoto winced as Sasuke flinched at his father ’s words. “Do you need help?”

“I got this!” Sasuke said, going back to being her warm, affectionate child with a flip of a switch.

“Don’t encourage him.”

“There’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing,” Mikoto said.

Fugaku opened his mouth.

“There’s nothing wrong, right Fugaku?” Mikoto said, keeping her tone firm.

Fugaku shut up, and Sasuke continued dragging his big sister-plant to his room, whispering to the plant the entire way.

But when Sasuke was out of earshot—

“This is insane. This is utter insanity.”

Chapter 9: Ino Says

“It’s a plant-child!” Ino declared ecstatically as she shoved a plant with pink colored leaves into Sakura’s arm as she held her own.

“It’s a what?” Sakura said, looking at the pretty pink plant.

“A plant-child,” Ino said, fishing a paper from her pocket and handing it over to Sakura before sitting next to her at the wooden desk. “There are the instructions for caring for her!”

“What’s it for?” Sakura asked, reading over the instructions. “I mean, what’s the purpose?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Ino said, holding up a finger. “I overheard my dad saying some of the super genius, super elite ANBU are using it to keep their sanity.”

She ’d not heard names, because her dad couldn’t give names even to her mother. Still, he did come home flabbergasted at what seemed like the coolest thing ever to Ino, particularly since there must be something to it given their flower shop was tied to the clan and the fact her clan took care of the mental well-being of all shinobi, or something like that.

“Oh,” Sakura said. “Cool!”

“I’m thinking mine is mine and Sasuke-kun’s child.”

“Me too!” Sakura chimed in.

And at first, they stared, looking as if—

But it didn ’t.

Ino lowered her voice. “We can have as many plant-children as we want! ”

“Yeah!” Sakura said in child-like innocence.

Chapter 10: Plant-Girlfriend

“What is this?”

Iruka held the hideous plant Naruto had given him as the boy grinned ear to ear.

Of course, he didn ’t need to ask, because plant-children had become a fad in the classroom he wanted to ban, only to get stuck on the fact that Ino insisted plant-children were definitely a shinobi tool because her father said so, which meant speaking to the man the first chance he got.

“A girlfriend!” Naruto chirped.

“A what?” Iruka looked at the child, becoming confused.

“Everybody!” And Naruto motioned big. “Is saying Iruka Sensei isn’t able to get a girlfriend, so I got you one, Sensei!”

“Uh, thank you?”

Iruka said, holding his now plant-girlfriend, thinking part of the reason he couldn ’t get a girlfriend was because he had his hands full with Naruto, and also because word got around about his reaction to Naruto’s special technique that, at the end of the day, left him honestly too mortified to speak to a girl out of fear they might have heard.

And Naruto was beaming at him as if he wasn ’t the reason.

“Because Iruka Sensei deserves a girlfriend. And isn’t she pretty?”

Which—

Iruka couldn ’t argue with the sentiment and spoke more softly. “Really, Naruto. Thank you. You didn’t have to, but thank you. ”

And thus, Iruka ended up stuck with a plant-child of his own, one that was his plant-girlfriend.

“I really need to speak with the Yamanaka clan head about this.”

Chapter 11: Ramen Plant-Soldiers

A plant-child appeared on the roof of Ichiraku Ramen.

And then another—

And another.

To which Teuchi said offhandedly in front of Naruto, “I wonder if there are any impostors among the plants up there?”

“No. The plant-soldiers wouldn’t let any among their ranks.”

“Do you think their ranks have grown large enough?” Ayame asked.

Naruto pondered, then, “I think so!”

Then—

Later—

Iruka whispered. “Don’t tell Naruto, but I replaced the plants on your roof.”

“Oh?” Teuchi asked.

“He doesn’t seem to have noticed.

Teuchi had noticed.

“But I didn’t think poison ivy was a good fit near a food place, or the poisonous ones,” Iruka said. “And it’s no good if the plant-children he left you are not suited for so much sunlight.”

“Plant-soldiers,” Ayame said.

“Plant-children that are plant-soldiers,” Iruka said. “How ironic.”

It wasn ’t lost on Teuchi. “It’s the thought that counts.”

“Oh, definitely,” Iruka said. “Thank you for putting up with my student’s antics. He means well.”

Chapter 12: Weird Girls

“Girls are weird.”

Fugaku paused, having caught the sound of Sasuke ’s voice as he passed by the boy’s room, but—

Sasuke shouldn ’t be interested in girls at that age.

Although, on the other hand, Itachi seemed far too interested in his little plant-sister while having absolutely no interest at an age he should be showing an interest.

And then—

Fugaku ’s eye twitched, hearing Sasuke relate to how the girls in his class all adopted Uchiha plant-children, because all the girls were crushing on Sasuke, not that Sasuke understood the issue beyond the fact that it made him uncomfortable.

“But Haruna-san’s plant is pretty,” Sasuke muttered. “Like her. Sakura-chan is very pretty. Like momma's pretty?”

Fugaku sighed. “ An heir that isn ’t interested in looking for a marriage partner at all, and the next in line is interested in a girl who isn’t a Uchiha. ”

But—

“At least he’s interested,” Mikoto said. “And do we have to follow that tradition? I mean, I’d like Izumi-chan for a daughter-in-law, if only Itachi would notice her, status be damned.”

Which—

“That would be nice,” Fugaku admitted.

Chapter 13: Plant-Boyfriend

Notes:

This is the "part" I forgot to write and combined into a single part because there's a reason why it's a part of the chaos that is plant-children.

Iruka paused, staring, then—

“You seem in a perfect mood today,” Iruka said.

“I’ve a plant-boyfriend!” she explained, turning to him with her—

Iruka flinched, looking at the plant-child the woman held, wanting to run to the hills.

“The girls got him for me!”

“Did they now,” Iruka said, looking on.

“Ino-chan and Sakura-chan even made sure it was an artificial one, so I don’t have to worry about dirt and germs!”

“That’s nice,” Iruka said, then turned to see—

A blond and pink head disappeared.

“I’ve got to finish my grading,” Iruka said, then headed out of the room, finding the two girls giggling. He snuck over, whispering, “Sakura-chan? Ino-chan?” He watched the girls jump. “You aren’t picking on Suzume Sensei, are you?”

“Of course not!” Sakura protested.

“I made sure it was an artificial one. No germs, and she can’t kill it!” Ino said, holding up a finger.

“Though,” Sakura giggled.

And then the two looked at each other, giggling. Iruka sighed. “What is it? What’s so funny?”

“Suzume Sensei?” Sakura blurted out.

“She wouldn’t need a plant-boyfriend if…” Ino said, giving him a look that didn’t seem at all innocent.

“If what?” Iruka asked.

“If you ask her out!” Sakura blurted out.

“Oh,” Iruka said. And then. “Oh.” The girl looked at him and said, “You two do understand she’s way older than me?”

“Sensei!” Sakura said, looking at him as if he’d done something scandalous.

“You shouldn’t talk about a girl’s age like that!”

“Wait,” Iruka said, only for the Suzume was like that sister or aunt who was old enough to be your babysitter, old, only to realize—

He sighed, the girls having slipped away before he finished.

“Well, that’s just my luck, isn’t it?”

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 23 of Rin's Idiot Hatake (Larger Challenge)
• Part 9 of Froday Flash Fiction - Summer 2025
• Part 21 of 2025 Froday Fills (Larger Challenge)