Chapter Text
Where did everything go wrong?
Cole threw back another shot, ignoring the suspicious and slightly terrified look the bartender sent him as he set another bottle of whiskey on his side of the bar. Dozens of empty glasses surrounded the ex-demon, because even when the bartender made an attempt to keep the space clear, he was never able to make a dent in the ever-growing stack. It had gotten to the point where Cole was asked to refill his own glasses so the bartender could tend to the other patrons.
Cole didn’t mind the neglect, and was instead grateful to the bartender for cutting out the middle man. Now he could down dozens of shots without having to wait to flag someone down.
What number was he on again?
Cole cynically wondered if he was in the thousands yet.
Maybe I’ll eventually drink myself to death…
Cole chuckled at the dark thought, and poured himself another shot with precise motions that any professional would've envied.
Did he even need to eat? Drink?
He didn’t know. In the past week that he'd spent camping out at this bar, he'd never once felt the pangs of hunger - and so he was working on the theory that he didn’t.
I’m not human anymore.
Cole threw back another shot, and blinked away the wetness in his eyes at the thought.
It was so easy to convince himself that he was still human. That he was Good.
Because he was - he knew that he was.
But he was cursed.
Cole had no other explanation for the bad luck that he'd been ‘blessed’ with since birth. As far as he was concerned, he had probably been cursed by God, or whoever else it was that controlled the Fate of this world. He was Fate’s fucking chew toy, and he was sick of it.
Wallowing in his depression would get him nowhere, but still… what else could Cole do?
He was forced to accept the fact that his family would never believe he was Good, because his body housed Evil Essences - but Cole refused to accept being labeled as ‘evil’ simply because of the powers that flowed through his veins. Because his human soul WAS Good. After everything that he had done... had sacrificed, had grown to learn and care about - how could he tolerate the idea that it all meant nothing?
Cole laughed without humor, a sour taste lingering at the back of his throat that had nothing to do with alcohol. He wished with all his might that he could deny what he knew was happening. Could pretend that one day things would be different; that he could prove himself to his family, and make the love of his life happy again.
But he knew better.
His soul had once suppressed Belthazor, the greatest demonic assassin of the last Century, and even the Source of all Evil to a certain extent. He knew the signs... he just didn't want to accept the fact that his powers were tainting him. That they were slowly driving him mad with evil temptations that he could barely resist.
The solution seemed simple enough; if he Stripped his powers, he could become an ordinary human again.
God, he missed it... missed how effortless it had been to embrace Phoebe, free of the guilt & the dark impulses that tempted his mind. But even in the past, he'd never been able to truly be content with being only human - because his wife was a Charmed One. She needed someone to stand by her side, someone who could watch her back and keep her and her family safe.
As a human he was powerless. He was useless. A Liability.
But nothing in life was free. If it meant that he could hold her, kiss her, see her smile again -
Cole would have done it again. Would have done it again in a heartbeat.
But after the incident with Barbas, he was forced to accept the damning truth.
He couldn’t get rid of his powers. By Stripping his powers, he would be releasing them into the world for other demons to absorb. Demons who wouldn’t think twice about killing Phoebe when they got the chance. Demons that he would no longer be able to fight once he was human.
One more bottle. One more shot.
He was in a well and truly fucked up situation, where there was no happy ending to be had.
Phoebe...
If only he could drink away these damning emotions... but nobody, not even the Source of all Evil, could hope to shift the love that bloomed everlasting inside his heart. That calamitous emotion would forever be a part of him, it was etched into his very bones.
Phoebe, I’m sorry...
Cole Turner was never meant to exist. His human soul was an unfortunate side-effect of breeding with humans, and while at times useful, it was still considered a weakness to be purged. His soul was tortured, shredded, and beaten until Cole numbly gave away control of his body and hid himself away in the darkest corners of his mind.
I’m so sorry.
Phoebe was the one who gave him a chance to experience what it meant to be alive. She was the one who gave him the strength to take back control of his body, and she was the one who taught him what truly mattered in this world.
Why...?
Cole Turner was born the day she chose to love him. The day that Phoebe saw who he truly was, what he truly was, and still reached out to pull him from the darkness that Fate cast him into.
Why can’t we be together? Why is Fate working so hard to keep us apart?!
“I do love you.”
She told me she loved me, but it wasn’t enough. I know why. I know it deep inside my heart, but I can’t accept it. I can’t accept a world where the only good thing in my life, the only reason why I fought so hard to stay alive, is gone.
She was with Miles again tonight.
She was probably sleeping with him.
She was making love to a man, who would never be able to comprehend just how beautiful, strong, and miraculous she was.
God…
Cole bowed his head, and finally let the tears in his eyes fall.
He had nothing left to live for, and yet he couldn’t die.
He was going to have to live with this pain for fucking eternity. Spend hundreds of birthdays without Phoebe by his side, and go through each day knowing that she was smiling for someone else, and that there was not a god-damn thing he could do about it.
Cole threw back another shot, and prayed for death - though he knew that he would never be granted such a mercy.