Give & Take

by winter_angst

Summary:

It's been a few months in Canada and Levi and Erwin are still adjusting. Levi has questions about consent, concerns about his increased weight, hatred for a new popular book, and a determination to see things through with his Dominant turned partner. Erwin's compliance shifts but, ultimately, the Dom means well, struggling to cope in a society where his dynamic means nothing, coming from a country where it was everything. As they traverse the rocky waters of what an 'equal' relationship would be, Levi struggles to establish boundaries. But, in the end, they make some shocking progress.

Notes:

well well well. i'm back already? okay, listen - it's my birthday "week" and I wanted to write something I could post every day leading up to it to make myself feel better about it haha. (i stg after you turn 21 bdays just become depressing). and let's be real, i missed them. so forgive me for throwing more at you. it's a 7 chapter one-shot (does it even count as a one shot anymore?), that will be posted each morning until Friday! so if you're here reading this, omg, thank you??? and i hope you enjoy the first chapter~

tw: so it's not exactly non-con but levi is clearly very uninterested in having sex (but does anyway) so be aware of that going in. it might be an uncomfy read if you're sensitive to it but there will be no official non con in this fic!

Chapter 1: o n e

It was during a natural lull in conversation that she asked him. It was a mild question, no real inflection behind it, but he couldn’t help the flush that crept into his cheeks. He avoided the question, with a mumbled, “it’s fine,” and hastily changed the topic to something he felt more comfortable discussing. 

She let it go but not without addressing it briefly, telling him it was an equally important aspect of healing and being in a relationship based on equality rather than built upon inequality and that whenever he was ready to discuss it, she was happy to have the conversation. He never intended to. He really, really never did. 

In fact, months went by. He complained more often than he should, verbalizing things he had a hard time telling Erwin. Sometimes she helped him pick through his thoughts, to find the right and productive words to share them. But, sometimes, she validated his feelings and agreed that Erwin’s wishes were either too much or unrealistic for the kind of relationship they were aiming for. 

And it wasn’t that the topic didn’t come up between Erwin and Levi – they were back to normal intimacy at this point. But Levi, watching more television now that was much less censored (though he still flushed and looked away half the time), was coming to find their intimacy wasn’t quite as normal as he thought it to be. 

He wasn’t thinking about it while he finished tidying the kitchen after dinner. It had been a long day, most of it spent out and all his time home was spent cleaning up the apartment. Erwin was tired of apartment living but buying a home was a pipe dream in this country, he said. Too many regulations and there were size limitations in hopes of maximizing space for the growing population so he didn’t deem it worth it. Plus, he was towards the end of his classes and commuting would be expensive. 

He had taken on work as a TA which he found insulting, Levi could just tell, but he was polite and grateful and friendly with the professor who seemed more fascinated by him than he seemed to respect him. Levi knew that, too, was insulting. But he tolerated it because he came to find that Levi being the primary breadwinner didn’t sit right with him. It took a few couples therapy sessions, a separate therapist than the ones Erwin and Levi saw individually, for him to confess that it felt wrong to him and asked Levi, quite plainly, to stop working for now. 

“I’m supposed to take care of you,” he said, tone bitter. Levi felt defensive but let Erwin speak. “Instead you’re caring for me. It’s not right.” 

The therapist asked why it was wrong and Erwin didn’t answer immediately and he encouraged him to be candid. 

“Because I’m the… Dominant.” It was said like he knew it was wrong and Levi was somewhat pleased with that. But mostly he was hurt that he was willing to take away something that Levi wanted just because it made him feel less powerful, less in charge. As though Levi didn’t give Erwin full control of the finances that he made regardless, still uncomfortable with handling so much money. He was content with what Erwin gave him from his earnings to spend, knowing that he’d never give him more than they could afford. Though Erwin still received supportive benefits as a full time student on top of his TA stipend, so each month, religiously, he got money in his account too. 

The therapist reminded him that dynamic expectations were not biology, that they were a social structure that could be adapted to and from. Erwin didn’t like it, Levi knew. But the therapist suggested that instead of Levi stopping work, what if Erwin applied for a job somewhere? 

Erwin was defensive of the fact he was in school but the therapist pointed out Levi’s complaints about all the time he’d been spending writing rather than helping around the apartment with his free time, something he claimed he would start to help with but seemed reluctant to follow through on. Erwin said that remembering the history of his country was important to him. Levi wanted to know why – but the therapist just suggested trying a part time job and seeing which venture he found to be more rewarding. 

Erwin agreed and a week later he saw a posting looking for a TA to replace someone who had dropped out of the program. Erwin wasn’t going to go for it – he didn’t think he’d qualify as an American asylum seeker who was taking accelerated courses – but the class was North American history, something he had a doctorate in. But he was certain he’d be rejected for it or preference given to a younger student. But then he went to his weekly therapy appointment and came back deciding he would apply. He spent a good three hours writing a cover letter and unsurprisingly the diligence won out and he was given the role. 

Levi honestly thought the professor was taking advantage of him, giving him a significant amount of grading to do it, giving him the work of a co-teaching professor without the pay. But Erwin never complained about hard work and likely was pleased to have something familiar to do. But with the added work out went the free time to help around the apartment so Levi took over quietly and adjusted to added workload. 

He found the exhaustion at the day to be satisfying. But he was, in fact, exhausted at the end of each day. But he still had other duties to fulfill, even when he would rather not. And as he freshened up for bed, aware that Erwin would want him tonight, it was forefront in his mind. The Dom had come up behind him while he was doing dishes, resting his chin on the top of his head, hand sliding up his hips, whispering heated compliments that Levi would have appreciated far more if there wasn’t an expectation behind it. 

It wasn’t that he minded intimacy with Erwin – he’d come to terms with his role along with everything else when he moved into Pastor Smith’s home. He remembered his introduction to this world as he brushed his teeth, noting the dark circles that had formed under his eyes. They had been caught being too intimate a handful of times and Erwin was sick of being scolded by his father for his lack of control and supposed respect and eventually finagled a Contract signed his senior year of college rather than after college graduation. Pastor Smith must have tired of having to fight to keep Erwin away from what he’d come to deem as his and agreed. Mr. Weaver agreed as well, though he was barely part of Levi’s life at this point. Seeing him again felt strange, the years giving him gray but not taking away from his life force any. He was the same intimidating but mostly gentle figure he’d come to know him as. 

Levi wasn’t keen on doing such things in Erwin’s father’s house but Erwin was tired of waiting and Levi was too. Not that it was that enjoyable. It was awkward and painful and neither of them knew what they were doing, all their knowledge of the act coming from a very thin informational book they were given separately by a respectfully uncomfortable Pastor Smith before he sent them away and whatever material Erwin had watched in his free time secretly. He and Sharle were, conveniently, visiting family a lot that first week. Levi was grateful for the alone time even if he sort of dreaded what was to come each time. 

But they were old humiliations at this point, just a part of his past. His therapist was encouraging him not to label things as good or bad and giving events such power. Levi thought not thinking of those first few months as bad was discounting how humiliating those mornings afterwards were, moving and sitting awkwardly while everyone knew but no one would comment and Erwin was awfully apologetic but more than that embarrassed by him which made him feel worse. She seemed a bit surprised by that – perhaps because it was the most intimate thing he’d told about that part of his life. He hastily explained there was a Contract in place already – he was okay – and she said that it was okay even without a Contract – or a marriage certificate – so long as he consented. 

“I signed the Contact,” Levi reminded her. 

“That’s not the same thing as consent.” 

Levi found the idea, the implication, uncomfortable and changed the topic. She let him. But now he was thinking about it again. 

He could say no, surely. But he would feel guilty about it. Guilty enough to lose sleep probably and he wondered why he submitted his body so readily. Serving, cooperating with his partner was one thing but his consent, she suggested, could be taken away at any time. But, no. That wasn’t what they knew. What was right. 

He used mouthwash and spat it out, mouth tingling. They didn’t sell mouthwash with alcohol in it in America any longer so when they accidentally bought the wrong kind it was a startle each time. Levi didn’t mind the burn but Erwin complained about it – why would he want freshening his breath to hurt? But he couldn’t gripe too much because he’d picked it up, not Levi. He combed his hair, as the book had told him, to the last steps in a routine he’d never be able to forget and certainly never would grow to enjoy. 

He turned off the light and went to the bedroom. Erwin had just gotten a new ereader, since he couldn’t bring his old one. He was slowly rebuilding his library and Levi sometimes felt bad he’d lost so many books but he’d rather this reality than a wealthier past. Plus, he felt like they had more than they needed and enough income to keep them comfortable. 

Erwin lowered the ereader, leaning against the headboard in his boxers, ankles crossed as he waited. 

Levi wondered what he’d do if he just got into bed. He couldn’t shake the disrespect of doing such a thing and lowered his gaze. His submission was never more important than in these moments, he knew, thanks to the book. 

“How do you want me sir?”

“Hm,” Erwin considered, standing. 

He approached Levi, hand reaching out to lift his chin. Levi hadn’t been told to make eye contact yet, so he focused on the pleased smile on Erwin’s face. “Undress, then down to your knees, darling.” 

Levi took down his pajama pants, now it was fall shorts were no longer quite as comfortable, and then lowered his underwear. He folded each item and placed them on the dresser before lifting off his shirt, folding it and adding it to the pile before he lowered himself obediently, hands at his side. Not for the first time he wondered what Erwin would do if he reached out and gripped his length. Maybe he could have him release sooner, without going to work with that familiar, functional but annoying soreness chasing every movement. Erwin withdrew himself from his boxers, length imposing and hard already. He tapped it against his cheek and Levi opened his mouth. 

“Good boy,” he said, feeding himself into his mouth, gripping his cheeks to massage his length. 

Levi, in the moments when he was just as keen for this as Erwin was, could enjoy this just fine. It was, honestly, all he knew and why fix something that wasn’t broken? But it wasn’t feeling quite as functional as Erwin quite literally masturbated himself using his mouth. The head was invading his throat, suggesting he was seeking that tonight which Levi found he wouldn’t mind. Mandy wasn’t very chatty in the morning so he’d be able to rest his throat fine tomorrow. 

Erwin murmured encouragement softly and delved deeper and deeper into this throat. Levi tried not to gag, Erwin tutting whenever he did. Levi knew it wasn’t an appealing sound and even though it made his chest and stomach ache he forced the gags to freeze as just hitched little coughs that were quickly stifled and adjusted to as he pressed deeper. He would press deep and then withdraw until the head of his member rested on Levis’ bottom lip, a thin stream of pre-spend salting between his bottom teeth and the tip of his tongue before he invaded his throat again. 

Levi didn’t break eye contact but he was getting a headache from the pressure and his broken, uneven breathing and there was saliva running down his chin onto his chest, less bony now, a bit firmer from constantly scrubbing and moving furniture. It was a disgusting feeling but he wasn’t supposed to move. 

Erwin withdrew a final time, tapping his saliva soaked member against his cheek and Levi’s aching jaw closed. “Up,” he said, breathing heavily, the air warm between them. 

Levi rose with practiced form and Erwin gripped him back the back of the neck bringing him in to kiss his throat. Levi tilted his head obediently but he felt an increasingly familiar impatience towards it. He wondered when he got the idea in his head that it was his choice when they were intimate. It had been expected that, unless he was physically unable, he was to submit himself any time and in any way requested. It was what was right, what was proper in America.  

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Erwin breathed in his ear. “I think about you all day,” he seized his behind, rough, possessive. “God, how you overfill my hands now…” 

Maybe that struck a nerve because he shied back slightly, before catching himself and shifting close once more. But Erwin had noticed, humming. “What’s wrong, gorgeous?” He kissed the corner of his mouth. “Talk to me.”

“Nothing sir.” 

“Don’t lie to…” He paused, recalling therapy where he was told Levi had the right to private thoughts and being open didn’t mean exposing every single one to him, especially when it wasn’t reciprocated. “Is something wrong?” 

“No,” Levi shook his head and forced a smile. “No. Nothing.” 

Be honest. But now wasn’t the time. Maybe he’d bring up Erwin not commenting on him gaining weight during sex afterwards, the feeling gnawing at him. Erwin’s gaze burned into his own for a few long seconds and then he accepted it with a nod, readily because he wanted him tonight and he sought to have him regardless of his upsets. 

“On the edge of the bed.” 

Levi supposed not having to do it face to face was preferential tonight. His body was responding as it was meant to, as Erwin trained it to, tip damp and cool in the chilly autumn air. Erwin was mindful about the heat, though Levi wished it was higher. He got into position, unable to shake the lewdness of it when he wasn’t in the mood to feel debauched and filthy. It just felt… indecent and vulnerable. Erwin left him like that, presenting himself like an animal in heat as he fetched the lubricant. He didn’t know the humiliation of this position and never would because he was a Dominant and it was considered distasteful if not wrong. 

Levi thought it was stupid posturing. But it was what it was and he’d accepted it long ago. 

The cool substance ran down the cleft of his behind and Erwin’s thumb caught it, pressing into him. Erwin praised his tightness, how he was made for this which Levi knew, he knew was praise but it just felt debasing tonight. He thought again about the word. 

Consent. 

It was a gift, like virginity, given once and kept forever. 

But she suggested that wasn’t true despite that being what the book said. Levi had read it front to back multiple times, mostly out of disbelief of what would really be asked of him and partly because he got a thrill from the anatomy pictures even if they weren’t done with any real detail. Still, he got a juvenile thrill from seeing such material after growing up so modest. 

Levi’s pleasure was never his own. A submissive couldn’t manage such things. And any self-stimulation was against the rules on the grounds of decency. They spoke of it with enough disgust for Levi to understand it was dirty. Was he tempted at times? Surely. More than he could ever admit and more than once he tried brief exploration, stopping before anything could come of as there was no way to clean up until morning and in such a small space with such thin walls… It felt inappropriate. It was inappropriate. But he struggled with it all over again when Erwin started to come home from college with increasing hunger and braver hands. 

Levi almost preferred those months, as awkward as they were. The heavy petting was enjoyable and left his mind wandering places it typically dared never to go. 

Reality lost its rose-colored hue until they left Pastor Smith’s house. Then he started to enjoy things. But it felt like, since coming across the border, there had been a slight disconnect. A sense of discontent. And Levi was so lost in his thoughts he was surprised enough to hiss when he was breached, not quite stretched enough. 

“Oh, sweetheart, too soon?” Erwin didn’t back out instead he massaged his lower back and waited for Levi to adjust to him. “It’s okay, it’ll be just fine in a moment.” 

Levi breathed through the burn that lessened around the time Erwin grew impatient and started to shift slightly. 

“I’m ready sir,” he said and Erwin happily claimed his way inside him. 

The discontent lingered like the taste of spend and coppery stretched skin in his throat as he let his eyes drift shut and he went over his schedule for tomorrow. He would meet Mandy in front of her apartment and they would go to the first office building. Saturday cleans were busy mornings with three offices and then they would clean two apartments. But the apartments took very little time, both right-leaning traditionalist Doms workaholics who spent little time home and simply needed the bits and pieces they left behind during the short stints they visited tended to. Once, however, one left late and they ran into a rental submissive though they didn’t call themselves that. They were sex workers, an apparently acceptable line of work in Quebec, and she got to work for herself, not for her Dominant. The Dom was incredibly embarrassed about it and Levi hastily said it was none of his business. 

But chances of running into him again were slim – the man seemed to avoid Levi and Mandy like the plague when they saw him at the deli, an unfortunately frequent haunt of Erwin and Levi’s when Erwin got the itch to socialize with someone other than Moblit – though Erwin always invited him along. Levi never minded talking to Hange who was living a similar existence as him, just with a more cooperative partner though he had his own vices, having started drinking a bit more heavily. Over text messages (that Erwin saw and disapproved of) Hange said they thought he missed his family in America and this was him coping. Erwin refused to discuss it with him, claiming if his friend had an issue, he would come to him and it wasn’t Hange’s place to criticize what their Dom did. Levi disagreed but Erwin said, “what happened to not being a gossip?” in a very unimpressed tone that left Levi feeling ashamed for invading the Dominant’s privacy. 

Erwin gripped his hip, bringing him back to the moment. He had one hand splayed on the small of his back, arching slightly against the punishing thrusts, like his body wanted to squirm away but knew better. 

“Easy, easy,” Erwin soothed. 

Levi bowed his back, like he was taught, saying in a fucked away breath, “sorry sir,” as he assumed the proper position. 

Erwin slipped a hand between his splayed thighs, stroking his length, thumb sweeping over the tip and using the prespend to slick up the motion. 

“Sweet boy,” he murmured gently. “Oh, you feel so good.” 

Levi knew he should be grateful for the stimulation, but he was annoyed by it, bothered by his body reacting even though it was doing what it was supposed to. He didn’t want Erwin wasting time to bring him to an orgasm he genuinely didn’t think that he needed. But Erwin was certain he needed it to keep him regulated. Levi wanted to be lucid enough to discuss him mentioning his body’s changes during moments like this. And an orgasm mixed with his exhaustion from the day would mean that Levi would pass out immediately. 

“So hard for me,” Erwin said. “Are you going to release for me?” 

“I… I don’t need it,” Levi said. 

“Yes you do,” murmured Erwin. “You always sleep so much better.” 

He also struggled to get up the next morning and he didn’t want to deal with that. Not when Erwin was sleeping in and wouldn’t wake him up. 

“Really sir,” Levi insisted. “It’s for you.” 

“Yes,” Erwin agreed. “But I’m giving you pleasure, too.” 

He knew he should appreciate it and so he accepted it. Levi closed his eyes and focused on the pleasure that was creeping through his body. The invasion felt less like such when he let himself enjoy it. As he dripped pre-spend, Erwin gathered it, using it to smooth the stroke of his hand. Levi leaned back and angled himself against Erwin slightly hoping he would direct his punishing pace at the places he felt the best, not just to go as deep as possible. 

“Easy, you take what I give you,” Erwin said in that commanding tone of his he really only put on these days in the bedroom or when Levi was stubborn with him and wouldn’t see his ‘reason’. 

“Just-just,” he stammered, torn between wanting to tell him how to fuck him so he’d finish so Erwin could finish and they could go to bed, and wanting him to tell him to just get it over with and cum himself and leave him be. He tamed his tongue with a plea. “Please, sir.” 

“So greedy,” he tutted; wildly unfair but he bit his lip to quiet his objections. 

Levi felt embarrassed to be accused of such, furious with him. “Sorry sir,” he gritted out. 

Erwin didn’t notice his tone, too busy chasing friction. “C’mon, sweet boy – cum for me,” he encouraged. 

Levi tried to cram down his anger and finish and by some small act of God, he did and so did Erwin, feeling him milking his length. The sub remembered when feeling him releasing inside of him felt like something special, now it just felt inconvenient to him, especially because he felt boneless and wanted to curl up and go to bed. But he had to clean up. Erwin would grab a towel sometimes but not always. Erwin withdrew and patted Levi’s hip. 

“Let’s go clean up,” he panted. “C’mon.” 

Levi decided to just shower again but Erwin joined him which hindered the process, making it take longer and leaving the water colder than he would have liked because Erwin claimed he kept it too hot. He wrapped a towel around his waist, mirroring Erwin and the Dom gave him a stern look. Levi’s eyelids felt heavy, his body weak and feeling sore from Erwin’s punishing pace. There wasn’t the same satisfaction in the ache that there used to be he was forced to recognize. But begrudgingly he wrapped the towel under his arms with a sigh and shuffled to the bedroom, coping with the subtle discomfort that was familiar but still bothersome. 

He put on his pajamas, still expected to go to bed fully dressed whereas Erwin just slipped into a fresh pair of underwear and got under the covers. Levi hit the lights and then got into bed beside him. Erwin pulled him across his chest and Levi felt a touch annoyed at being so close to the Dom right now but knew it was just him being moody and difficult just because he was tired and sore. So he wasn’t going to take it out on Erwin. 

Instead he let himself fall asleep still wondering about consent and if giving it once was proper or not. 

** ** ** ** 

“I love you,” Erwin said, at the door, slightly twitchy as usual when Levi left. 

“I’ll text you as soon as I get there,” Levi reassured him. 

“Good boy,” said Erwin and Levi gave him a tight look that was ignored with a kiss. “I’ll be waiting.” 

“I know,” Levi said, a touch annoyed. He thought about last night. “Uhm… About last night…” 

“Yes?” Erwin’s eyes darkened, a touch lustfully at the memory. “You were perfect, sweetheart, as usual. Why – was something wrong?” 

Does it matter? He asked himself. Was the idea of giving him consent every time they were intimate that important? 

“No,” Levi said immediately. “It was… I just… Nothing. I have to go.” 

“Okay,” Erwin said, reaching out to tidy his clothes as though they wouldn’t be rumpled from cleaning all day. He was pleased Levi was back wearing pants although he’d made a little tch when Levi put a short sleeved shirt under the sweater. The fact he worked with a female sub didn’t matter to him apparently but Levi ignored him and pulled on his sweater. “Text me.” 

“Yes sir,” he said a touch tiredly but mostly playfully before dunking out the door. 

He met up Mandy who had her own duffle bag of cleaning supplies, a soft shade of pink so it wouldn’t stand out. Levi’s was bland as well, a dark shade of gray so he could see if there were leaks from any bottles. The chemicals weren’t nearly as dangerous here, a lot of them banned for causing cancer. Most of his cleaning supplies came in the form of dissolvable tablets. He didn’t mind it at all, the cleaning agents not drying out his hands as badly. 

“Hello,” greeted Levi. 

“Hi.” She had a tumbler of matcha latte that she sipped as they walked side by side down the not quite busy street. 

They boarded a bus and Mandy made some short idle conversation, eyes hazy with tiredness. It amused Levi – for a sub who aspired to live the life of an American’s submissive, this drowsiness wouldn’t cut it for a second. Levi used to have difficulty rising and he was made to wash his face with cold water until his body started to expect the shock every morning and would wake itself up prematurely in preparation for it. It was a miserable way to wake up however and no way to train a child to adjust waking up early and he felt bad for wishing such a thing upon her. 

“Tired?” he asked. 

“Mm. Well, Pryce likes to talk late on his nights off.” 

Levi frowned tightly. He was new around the deli, striking Levi as a Dom who felt he’d been wrong by the more liberal submissives and wanted one easier to keep in line. But that was the kind of partner Mandy wanted – someone to take control of her and provide for her. Except he wasn’t providing for her, Mandy still working a job, and his demands were hindering her ability to care and provide for herself. But many of these subs seemed to see this point in their lives as transitional, a taste of the ‘real world’ so they could appreciate the glory of the traditionalist lifestyle once their Doms were well established. People married later in this country, typically marrying in their late twenties and early thirties. Contracts were typically formed in the early twenties back in America for Dominants and as soon as possible legally for a submissive. 

In their circle, they tended to idolize the relationships between Moblit and Hange and Levi and Erwin. Or, rather, they idolized Moblit and Erwin for having real lived experience in a country with widespread ‘proper’ values and having tasted such power. They would bounce ideas off them – politics especially. They were always dying to know their opinion as though they had some higher knowledge that they couldn’t access. 

Moblit enjoyed the attention and Levi thought Erwin did too though he was a bit more reserved about it, sipping his Canadian beer while Levi sat and talked with the subs about much of nothing. Keeping tabs on their life, fretting about the health of their relationships and reminding himself constantly that it was different because it was consensual. 

But, there was that word again: consent. Levi mulled it over as he got off the bus and headed towards the building, pulling the provided key from his pocket. The office they were cleaning was a small consulting firm, catering to a certain crowd (their crowd) who didn’t turn their noses up at their small minded opinions and what others deemed to be extreme ideas. But the right had just as many affluent members and old names as the left and some of them gave this place business and it afforded Levi a generous salary. 

They took the elevator to the proper floor and split apart to clean individual offices. Levi unpacked his bag and then took out his cellphone, sending a message to Erwin confirming he’d made it safely. Erwin asked him to text him again at lunch, as usual. Levi agreed and then got to work, listening to the same MP3 player he’d had in America. It still worked, as it wasn’t connected with the internet but he knew that if it ever broke, it was lost to time along with the music on it. The artists that Levi knew from the machine didn’t sell their records in other countries so he’d never hear them again. 

It made him handle it with care. He wasn’t sure why he clung so tightly to those early days: maybe because he’d thought he was happy back then. Or he aspired enough towards it that he felt pseudo joy in its absence. But that feeling had run dry as the years ran on, as the oppression increased. And now here he was, not quite happy but happier.  

He cleaned halfway through lunch, caught up in the momentum he’d built and quickly finished emptying the shredder into the recycling bag that would go in the basement with the rest of the waste to be dealt with. He was knotting the bag, wondering if it was worth it to tackle the en-suite restroom in the corner office he was in. As unappetizing as it was before eating he was already in here… But his phone started to vibrate and Levi realized he’d forgotten to check in with Erwin who had bypassed texting and jumped straight to a call. 

He knew Mandy was on the other side of the floor, with her own earbuds in because there was this idea in Canada that traditionalists didn’t wear over the head earphones that drew attention, they wore ear buds. But, really, in a truly traditional place like America, a sub was denied such technology. He answered the call hastily. 

“I lost track of time.” It wasn’t an apology because he had no reason to apologize. He checked in with Erwin out of duty, not obligation. 

“I was worried about you,” Erwin fretted. “It’s almost twelve-thirty – sit down and eat.” 

“I…” Levi looked at the waiting bathroom. “There’s something I need to do first.” 

“Levi, you must take care of yourself.” 

“I know, I will – I just would like to finish this please.” 

“Don’t be difficult,” Erwin pleaded. “Besides, I thought we could talk while you ate.” 

“It’s hard to eat and talk,” Levi reminded him. 

“We do it over meals.” 

“Yes, but I’m not being paid to talk,” Levi reminded him. 

“Oh, please, he won’t care – it’s me,” Erwin said, dismissively. “Now go wash your hands.” 

Levi didn’t want to go home to an argument so he did so. He sat on the floor to eat a roast beef sandwich with cheddar cheese, an apple, and an energy tea. Erwin didn’t love that he drank them but he admitted that he might have needed the extra energy to get through his longer days. So they agreed on him having two a week. Levi didn’t comment on the fact that he’d been drinking energy drinks almost every day since he became a TA. 

Erwin chatted about his day, about the amount of grading he’d proudly accomplished already and how he intended on getting writing done this afternoon. “Do you think you could throw in a load of laundry?” Levi asked hopefully, carefully. 

Erwin sighed slightly. “I mean, I suppose I could,” he said. 

“Just do it before,” Levi said, biting his sandwich. There was lettuce on it, too, crisp and it made the sandwich feel more hearty. “Please, Erwin.” 

“Maybe you’ve taken too heavy of a workload?” Erwin suggested. “If things feel like they’re too much – ” 

“They don’t,” Levi interrupted. “They don’t, I promise. I just… I just thought it would save me time tonight. But don’t worry about it, okay? I’ll do the laundry when I get home.” 

“You’re certain?” Erwin inquired and Levi knew he wasn’t asking if he was sure about doing the laundry. 

“It’s not too much,” Levi confirmed. 

“Alright,” Erwin said with some hesitation. “I hate to see you looking so tired, sweet boy.” 

“I’m not that tired,” he lied. What he wanted to say was that he’d be less tired if he wasn’t the only one who kept the house together. And if he got more nights of reprieve from his duties as a sub – or, well a partner now. 

“Levi,” Erwin said with care, trying not to correct him but unable to help it. 

“Well I wouldn’t be so tired if you helped out more,” he said sourly around his sandwich. 

“Don’t speak with your mouth full,” he tutted. 

Levi wanted to hang up the phone. He really did. 

“Sorry,” he said instead, when he swallowed. 

He wasn’t sure why he was so irritated. But then as he leaned forward for his tea and felt the soreness, he remembered exactly why. He was tempted to bring up what he’d said but then Mandy appeared around the corner, one earbud in her hand. “Oh, you’re eating now, too,” she said brightly, more awake now. “Do you want to eat together?” 

“Go ahead,” Erwin granted. “Enjoy your lunch, sweetheart.” 

“Thank you,” he said. 

“I love you,” Erwin said. 

“I love you, too,” Levi said and it wasn’t hard to say because he did. 

He ended the call and had a slightly more enjoyable meal with the sub he had a hard time thinking of as his employee but that was what she was. It was hard to wrap his mind around, being in control of another person as a submissive, when he was raised to believe he was incapable of such. It felt like an achievement beyond what he thought was possible for him. 

They finished the office and together they lugged down trash and gathered recycling to the basement. It was creepy down there, especially in an almost empty building (there were a few weekend workers on other floors but they’d never run into anyone in the basement) so they always went together. 

Back on the street, they boarded the bus again, scanning their badges and sitting beside each other. 

“So things are going well with you and Pryce then?” Levi asked. 

“Oh, yes,” said Mandy, with a smile. “He’s wonderful, really. A true gentleman who has his priorities straight.” 

Levi wanted to inquire more what those priorities were, curious to see how they lined up the American ideal. “Oh?” he asked. “Like…” 

“Well, he wants to get married just as soon as possible,” she said, like that was the goal. And it was in this crowd. “And of course to have children. He wants five and I think that’s… That’s wonderful, yes, but I will be very busy.” 

Levi couldn’t imagine that many children. The big family ideals had fallen out of favor in America, given the rising cost of living, but he also knew that with multiple subs that might come back into popularity. 

“I bet,” he said. He also knew that it meant she wouldn’t work with him forever but he also knew this wasn’t unexpected given where they had met. “But you’re… happy then?” 

“Of course,” said Mandy. “Aren’t you?” 

Levi felt taken off guard by the question but hastened to say, “yes of course.” 

“Good,” Mandy said, settling back.

“Yeah,” said Levi. “Good.”

Chapter 2: t w o

Summary:

levi addresses what erwin said; erwin's solution doesn't work out too well.

Notes:

thank you thank you thank you for the comment and kudos so far! you're so wonderful <3 I hope you enjoy this kind of shorter chap (about ten pages). thank you againnnnn~

When Levi got home, Erwin met him at the door with a kiss. 

Levi had taken off his sweater at the final apartment, feeling too warm, but he’d put it back on before getting on the bus. And Erwin was pleased he still had it on, which made Levi feel guilty. “Good boy,” he praised. “Go put your things away.” 

Levi did so and then cleaned up the apartment. Erwin didn’t have an office so he still took over the dining room table. It drove Levi crazy how he couldn’t gather his writing things. He was good about picking up student work, however, still unwilling to break student confidentiality. 

Erwin parked himself on the couch, watching history documentaries on Canada and occasionally ones on America though he disliked the deviations from what he knew to what the rest of the world said happened. More than once he broke his own language expectations, calling facts that were given bullshit and once even flipping the channel muttering, “you can’t trust these fucking people,” to himself that seemed like a refusal to accept that he’d been taught some lies.  

Levi put in the laundry, picking up the pajamas that Erwin had shed but left on the floor despite promising to walk the five steps to put it in the hamper. He could hear Erwin’s mother all over again, telling him that intellects were simply messy and it was their job as submissives to keep their lives tidy. He’d believed that, he truly had. He’d trusted her like he trusted no other foster parent submissive. She’d taught him a lot, and had helped shape how he saw things because she was able to remind him of their shared love for Erwin. The love was different, of course, but they both cared deeply for the young Dominant who changed a lot during those years. 

He came from college slightly more confident each time and by the time senior year rolled around and Levi moved in, he was closer to this man than he was the boy that Levi fell in love with. But that was okay. There were plenty of things to love about the man he became, so sure of himself and confident. No longer did he avert his eyes in shame if he overheard comments about them when out and about. He was too good to call them out but he’d maintain an aloofness that earned him respect. It was as if he was above the criticism and others seemed to accept his truth somewhat. They were never comfortable around Levi but they grew to see Erwin as more human than they had in first interactions. 

Levi vacuumed the rugs and swept the floors. Then he washed the dishes and cleaned up after the lunch that Levi had prepared for Erwin before he left. But the Dom had left his plate on the table. He’d also left a few energy drink cans forgotten around the apartment that he gathered and put in with the cans. They didn’t do zero-sort recycling in this country. They had several small recycling bins they took out frequently to keep everything separated properly. They would fine violators and while the first few weren’t bad they compounded and required taking an online class to remind them of how recycling worked. Erwin only sat through it once before he followed the rules though he maintained that it was idiotic. 

Levi finished cleaning the apartment with a bit of time to spare between making dinner so he showered. He found himself lingering a bit today, most feeling taxed, but not nearly as long as his old showers used to be. He got out, getting dressed neatly because the sun was still up so Erwin didn’t like him being in pajamas. It made for more laundry but it kept the peace. 

“Come sit with me,” Erwin requested but he spread his legs like he wanted Levi to kneel. 

Levi ignored the subtle request, sitting beside him instead. Erwin’s smile was forlorn but not upset. “How was your day, sweet thing?” he asked. 

“Fine,” Levi said. 

Erwin trailed a finger along his jaw. “Good boy,” he murmured gently. “Working so hard.” 

Levi felt a flush creep in his cheeks. He wished the praise didn’t work with such ease with him. “Well,” he mumbled. 

“Well?” Erwin asked. “You don’t have to, you know. You could sit home and look pretty for me all day.” 

Levi gave him an unimpressed look and it made the Dominant chuckle. “No, you have higher aspirations, don’t you?” He didn’t say it like it was a bad thing. 

“Yes.” 

“Hm,” hummed Erwin, wrapping an arm around him. 

Levi, tired from the day, was happy to lean against him and close his eyes, enjoying the feeling of the man carding his fingers through his hair, lightly scratching his scalp. When his mental timer started to near dinner he suggested they order in. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Erwin. “It’s nearing the holidays. We should conserve our money.” 

“I’ll pay for it,” Levi offered. “Out of the money you give me, I mean.” 

“That’s for you to give your fancy little drinks with your friends,” Erwin reminded him. “But, I suppose we could go to the deli for dinner if you’re really not up to cooking.” 

Levi wasn’t interested in playing the role of the perfect sub, even if those expectations had slackened some in this country. He was still expected to use honorifics and to be polite and respectful to the other Doms who weren’t always respectful towards him. One, in particular, Levi found particularly grating. He always had something to say about Levi, never negative but more praise a Dom wouldn’t typically give another Dominant’s submissive. Levi could tell it bothered Erwin, too, possessive at the worst of times, but he was close with the owner so Erwin didn’t want to cause any ripples in the pool. 

“I’m not sure I feel up to it,” Levi said. 

“No?” Erwin frowned. “Well, why don’t you do something easy for dinner, hm?” 

Or why don’t you make dinner? But if Levi wanted something edible, something properly rounded, he would have to do it himself. 

“Yeah,” he said, but he’d taken out stuff to make stuffed peppers. It wasn’t quick whatsoever. “Maybe.” 

“Deli is still on the table,” Erwin reminded him when he stood with a stretch, trying to get blood circulating and awakening his body. 

“So is a calm dinner at home,” Levi answered cheekily. 

Erwin gave his behind a swat with a playful, “hey,” It wasn’t disciplinary, not quite. But it was on the edge and Levi chose to ignore it. Dinner was an affair to put together and he listened to the talks about the Native American settlements and the misappropriation of the Abenaki tribe as a tribe from the State of Vermont, in the United States. All the evidence proved, supposedly, that the Abenaki were a Quebec-based tribe and the state happened to have existed within their territory. Erwin scoffed at that and Levi rolled his eyes as he watched the meat brown. 

Erwin came in to fetch himself a drink while he was stuffing the peppers and commented on the meal, claiming it smelled great. “Thank you,” said Levi with a smile. 

Erwin cracked the lid off his beer and approached Levi, snaking an arm around him and burying his nose in his hair. “And that’s not the only thing,” he added hungrily. 

His hand slipped under his shirt, caressing the soft warm skin above the band of his underwear.

“Erwin, I’m trying to cook,” he said. 

“Mm, later,” Erwin agreed, not what Levi meant at all. 

“Okay,” Levi agreed but Erwin was already moving away. Like he didn’t need Levi to agree. Because, well, he didn’t. Or did he? 

Their customs said he didn’t but the customs here suggested that wasn’t healthy. Levi finished stuffing the peppers and put them in the oven. He washed his hands and started to clean up so after dinner clean up would be much faster. Plus, he’d been trained to keep moving until there was absolutely nothing of value he could be doing. He ended up with a bit of extra time so he hesitantly returned to Erwin who had flicked off the television and was on his new tablet. He’d gotten it through the school, a grant the professor he’d worked for had finagled him into getting. 

It was a much better model than the one that they were furnished with, it had more functions. Levi sat on the other end of the couch, drawing his legs to his chest as he stared at the photo of the two of them from the graduation on the wall. Levi’s smile was genuine in it and so was Erwin’s. They were happy and they were making a lot of progress even if it felt like it stalled out sometimes. 

Before, Erwin was deadset against Levi working Saturdays, claiming weekends were meant to be spent together. But through couples therapy – and it took a few sessions – he came to accept Levi’s wishes and gave his blessing which Levi didn’t need but felt a lot better having. So, he supposed, given they were apart all day, it was only normal that he would want to spend time together and what way was more enjoyable for a Dominant than doing so with intimacy? 

Levi didn’t have to get up early, it wasn’t a big deal. 

“What’s going through that pretty head of yours?” 

“Nothing really,” Levi said. “Just…” He thought about last night. “Can we talk about something?” 

“Hm? Of course.” Erwin set the technology aside, taking Levi’s ankles and drawing them into his lap, massaging his calves in a way that always made the sub feel boneless, especially after a lot of walking, something he was still adjusting to despite enjoying the freedom of doing it greatly. “What’s wrong?” 

“It’s not that something’s wrong just… Last night you said something and I… I wish you wouldn’t.” 

“What did I say?” Erwin asked, face worried. “When?” 

“When we were, uhm, being intimate.” 

“Oh.” Erwin seemed surprised. Levi had never raised a complaint about how he ran the bedroom and Levi felt embarrassed and finicky to even be bringing it up. “Uh, okay. What do you wish to discuss?” 

It felt very business-forward, not at all casual like Levi wanted. “I just… You mentioned that my…” He wasn’t able to say it. “That my body has changed.” 

“I like it,” Erwin said immediately and Levi winced, wrongfully. “I’m not… upset about it.” 

“I know. I know you were… I’d just rather we not talk about it during… during times like that.” Or at all. But that wasn’t fair and Levi was being overly sensitive, telling his Dom he couldn’t comment on his body. He couldn’t imagine the shame he’d feel if Erwin was upset about it so he was thankful that Erwin didn’t mind that toned muscle and fat he was accumulating. 

“Maybe it’s one of those things you need to experience more of to like,” Erwin said, trying to be helpful. “I can’t imagine touching you and not telling you how beautiful you are.” 

Levi chewed his bottom lip, trying to think of the best way to word his objection to that. Erwin used his thumb to pull his bottom lip free. Right, the only person to bite his lips was Erwin. But, no, it was his lip. He could chew it if he wanted. But he didn’t. He just said, “okay,” when what he wanted to say was no. 

A strict no to him mentioning his body in those heated moments because while Erwin thought it made him feel nice, it didn’t. It just made him think of all the horrible things that he’d heard growing up about submissives who put on weight and that was exactly what he was doing. It felt like every few months he had to buy something new because it got too tight and he wanted to buy a scale but his therapist suggested leaving weighing to his doctors who would tell him if they were ever concerned. She told him it was normal to put on weight and reminded him he’d been underweight. 

Levi almost missed it. He didn’t miss the scarce eating and the limited diet but he missed the certainty he had that he looked right. Not that there weren’t subs of all shapes and sizes on the streets and he didn't find any of them more beautiful or less beautiful than the others. They were all unique and there was so much to that. But Levi’s outside opinions didn’t reflect his inner expectations and he wondered how big of a hypocrite that made him. 

It didn’t help that Hange had kept their form just perfectly, perhaps a bit heavier around the bust and bottom than they were before but Hange was considering having surgery to remove their breasts. Moblit gave his blessing but Erwin thought that altering their body was a step ‘too far’ and Levi told him it was small minded of him. Erwin had just shrugged saying it was his opinion and he had a right to it but reassured Levi that he’d never say anything negative about their choice to them. Levi thought true support should extend in private, too, but Erwin didn’t really consider Hange a friend, so much as he considered them his friend’s sub. There was a distinct lapse there, Levi was finding. Melissa agreed and said that it would take time for Erwin to view outside submissives as equals and suggested bringing it up with couples therapy. He hadn’t yet – he thought they should focus on their inner problems, not issues with respecting Levi’s friends. 

“Tonight,” Erwin promised but it felt more like a threat. 

“Uhm, okay.” Levi looked at the photo on the wall. 

“By the time we’re done you’ll see just how beautiful you are like this,” Erwin praised, hand sliding up his thigh, thicker now than it had been in America. “Softer and fuller.” 

Levi wanted to pull his leg free, insulted with no reason to be. He tolerated it with a stiff smile. “I should check dinner,” he said, desperate for an excuse to get away. 

“There’s nothing more you want to talk about?” Erwin verified, fingers playing up the inseam of his inner thigh. 

Instead of tingles creeping between his thighs, filling him with blood, he wants to close his legs. He didn’t, he let Erwin stroke the increasingly soft, sensitive skin there as he shook his head and in a slightly flat voice, “no, that’s all.” 

Erwin slid his hand back down his leg and gave his knee a pat, releasing him and Levi stood, checking the peppers and adding cheese to Erwin’s. He planned to add it to his, too, but… He closed the oven and put the extra shredded cheese in a bag. They shred their own cheese out of habit from living in America where shredded cheese was more costly and coated in starch to keep it from sticking. The powder they used here didn’t hinder melting at all and didn’t stick to his fingers after taking pinches of it. But old habits died hard. 

He changed over the laundry while he waited for the cheese to melt and and fluffed the rice in the rice cooker. Erwin had bought it, unsurprisingly. He found making rice on the stove to take too long and far too messy. The machine was much handier, Levi had to admit, and Erwin never minded him using it because the rice turned out perfect each time and it didn’t affect the taste or texture at all. 

He set the recently cleaned off table. Erwin’s laptop on the stand beside it where he kept his school and work stuff. The bottom shelf had a collection of appliances that their limited counter space didn’t allow to be out at all times. But it was functional, neat and tidy. Levi asked what Erwin wanted to drink and he asked for milk. 

Milk came in bags in Canada but the bags fit perfectly into a special pitcher. Technically they had two of them from two separate households merging. But come Christmas second hand stores would open their doors for donated items and were even willing to buy things like dated but functional electronics at a discount. Erwin intended on selling the state given tablet so it wasn’t just sitting around. 

They had dinner, Erwin giving him sensual eyes the entire time, running his foot up his legs under the table which, when they lived under Pastor Smith’s roof, was as thrilling as thrills got, forbidden in its own sense. Levi just talked more about his upcoming week. It would be a busy one, doing a move out clean for one of Erwin’s friends at the deli. He was moving in with his submissive because she had been in a roommate situation beforehand but for some reason, the other sub had moved out leaving her in a two bedroom. Multiple bedrooms were in high demand, only given to the people with two people signing a lease or if it was a couple with children. He was eager to have an office and the sub was just pleased to start being a stay at home girlfriend while she waited for him to propose. 

Because, in this circle, it had to be the Dom to propose marriage though Levi was certain that the subs brought it up frequently to them. They brought it up too frequently at the table not to in their private time. 

“Let me know when you’re ready,” Erwin said, standing as Levi gathered their plates. He leaned it to kiss the side of his neck. 

“I will,” Levi promised. 

He cleaned up trying to mentally prepare himself for his body to be commented on. 

“This is what I mean about you bulldozing over my wants,” he thought about saying. “I tell you I don’t like you commenting on my body so you devote an entire evening to it. Rather than changing your behavior, you want to change me and it’s not fair.”  

But would Levi say it? No. 

He needed to be more assertive, he knew he did. That Erwin couldn’t help the Dominant need to take control of every situation. It was how he’d been raised, what he was told was his right. So he put his hands on the counter with a sigh. He scrubbed the counter tops, dragging it out longer than he should have, and swept the kitchen. Then he went through the same routine he did every time with no more joy than he had yesterday. 

It wasn’t often that Erwin wanted him twice in a row. Sometimes, if Levi was ornery, he would insist Levi drop even after a night of intimacy where he found release, but it felt like Erwin was bored and this was his idea of fun. And maybe it would have been fun if Levi didn’t feel so degraded by sex lately. 

Maybe it was just seeing how it worked for others on television, a careful dance between two people – not always a Dom and sub though that was that the classic pairing and anything else made Levi feel a touch devious and Erwin very uncomfortable. So they didn’t watch it often and Erwin always switched the channel if things on the screen got too explicit, muttering about the lack of decency. 

He told Erwin was ready and Erwin told him to go to the bedroom and undress. 

Levi didn’t want to be naked. He hadn’t minded it much in America, back when his body fit those beauty standards but he knew it wouldn’t now. And it wasn’t just the sheath of fat on his body, thin but there, it was the muscle mass he wasn’t supposed to have – that he thought he couldn’t have. He’d never look like a Dominant, thick and muscular, but he saw on television toned male submissives. Levi thought he wouldn’t mind having that look. He also thought he might be more comfortable with body if he wasn’t expected to hide it so much. 

But he did as he was told, folding his clothes and standing by the bed he’d made when he got home. Erwin had gone back to bed when he left so he left the bed unmade for him. 

Erwin sauntered in and Levi averted his eyes respectfully, feeling stressed. 

“Easy.” Erwin read the tension on his body. “Relax, Le.” 

“Sorry.” 

To be tense was like being resistant, he knew, something that wasn’t permitted for American subs. Canadian subs surely could – unless they were traditional, believing their Doms needs came before their comfort and their wants – but Levi didn’t feel like he belonged in that category, even with an ID and a Canadian certificate of citizenship. 

“Don’t be sorry, just relax. You’re with me, you’re safe.” And Levi knew that, so he wasn’t certain why he was so tense still. “Now deep breaths, hm?” 

“Yes sir.” Levi inhaled slowly and exhaled even slower. 

“Good boy,” he praised and the warmth helped lessen his tension somewhat. “I love you, Levi and I will love your body no matter what it looks like.” The tension was back and Erwin lifted his chin, forcing him to make eye contact with him. “Look at me – I love your body.” 

Levi felt the irrational urge to cry. “I know.” 

It’s not just about you. But Levi thought that would be a vain thing for him to say. Despite being told that he shouldn’t be satisfying the gazes of anyone but Erwin, he couldn't help it. He’d been told to believe that he should only seek to satisfy his Dominant, that what he wanted was what Levi should want. And he’d known it was wrong – and he still knew it. But the idea had impressed itself upon him and he couldn’t help it. 

“You are more than enough for me.” Erwin reassured him. It made sense that he would focus on that – it was what their society told them was a sub’s ultimate responsibility. “In fact, I think you’re more beautiful now than you’ve ever been. You look so much… healthier.” 

“Thank you sir.” Levi said with a thick swallow, dying to break eye contact. He could feel the pressure building behind his eyes and he didn't want to cry. 

“Your face looks properly filled,” he carried on, brushing his thumb over his cheek. There was a padding of flesh there that was thicker than it used to be. Enough for indent and not feel his thumb against his molars. His eyelids fluttered and he swallowed, fighting back the protests. 

“Thank you sir.” 

“No honorifics right now, sweetheart. I just want you to see yourself as I see you. Every time I see you get a snack, I’m so proud.” 

Levi jolted back, stomach tightening. “Wh-what you watch me eat?” he demanded, voice shaking unfairly, feeling angry as tears welled up in his eyes. 

Erwin seemed startled by the break in composure. “What? No, I mean – we’re practically on top of each other. Of course I notice but – ” 

“It’s not too much.” Levi’s voice shook, there was no reason for it, for such a reaction. “I don’t eat too much.” 

“I never said you did – calm down, Levi.” 

“Don’t.” Levi wrapped his arms around himself. His fingers sought the familiar outline of his ribs but he had to press to find them. “I-I can’t do this now.” 

He quickly got dressed and Erwin watched him, eyeing him like a caged dangerous animal. Levi slipped around him, going to the bathroom and closing the door. He leaned against it, shaking slightly, furious with himself but more than that confused on why this was bothering him so much. He knew that weight didn’t matter but… But it mattered to him because he’d been punished when it didn’t. And he knew those punishments were long gone but the control over his diet was far more recent. He wasn’t certain he was utilizing his free will properly and while his doctor claimed he was gaining needed weight, he functioned just fine without it so how needed was it really? Hange carried on just fine, barely gaining any weight whatsoever. Surely nothing that Moblit felt the need to comment on. 

Erwin knocked on the door almost immediately and Levi pressed the heel of his hand against his mouth to stop him from lashing out against Erwin. “I’m coming in,” he warned. 

Levi lowered his hand. “I need a minute.” He said in a shaky voice. 

“Honey, you’re so upset – I can’t just leave you alone right now. I’m opening the door.” 

“Please, Erwin.” It came out as a sob. 

“Hey, hey.” Erwin tried the door, feeling the resistance of his body leaned against him. “Levi, move, please.” 

“Please.” He repeated, voice a touch louder. “I need a minute.” 

Erwin sighed heavily and he muscled open the door, Levi sliding across the tile as he buried his face in his hands in frustration. Erwin slipped into the bathroom and Levi sensed him crouching down not long before he was being wrapped up in his arms and brought against the Dom’s chest. Levi squirmed for freedom but Erwin just held him tighter saying softly, “sweetheart, calm down. Tell me what’s going on.” 

Levi didn’t know how to explain and he didn’t want to unpack it tonight. “Not tonight,” he said, voice impressively even despite the tears. 

Erwin was quiet for a moment, just holding him tightly. “Maybe you need – ” 

“I don’t need to fu… I don’t need to Drop.” Levi grit out, staunching the tears by clenching his eyes shut tightly. “I just need a minute, okay?” 

Erwin clicked his tongue but stood. “Alright,” he said. “I’ll be waiting for bed.” 

At least he was excused from his duties tonight.

“It won’t be long.” Levi remained on the floor and Erwin shut the door behind him.

Chapter 3: t h r e e

Summary:

levi has therapy, moblit and hange visit, erwin has too much to drink

Notes:

five am upload~ thank you for the comments and kudos this fic has so far, it means the world to me! this is a more tame (but more emotional) chapter. hope you all enjoy~

tw: in-depth discussion of consent (no non con whatsoever but levi has an inaccurate idea of what consent is and that might be triggering for some)

“So, how was your week?”

Levi fidgeted with his fingers. He felt like all he did was come here and complain and wondered how long he had before his therapist tired of it. “Can we…” He almost asked to end the session, feeling too overwhelmed by things. “Can I think for a few minutes?” 

“Of course,” she said. “Do you mind if I check my email?” 

“Please.” She knew that Levi liked to feel like her attention wasn’t on him at these moments when Levi needed to think through everything going on to figure out what he wanted to tackle first. “Thank you.” 

“Absolutely,” she said. “Remember – this is your session, we can use that time however you want.” 

Levi mulled over his thoughts and tried to figure out what he could tackle without breaking down. “Uhm,” Levi said, no less than fifteen minutes later. “Can we talk about…” 

“Yes?” she prodded. “We can talk about anything you want. No topic is off the table, nothing is inappropriate or irrelevant.” 

“I guess…” His face burned and he looked at the decorative rug. “I guess I was wondering if you could tell me more about… Uhm… Consent?” 

“Yes, absolutely," she said immediately. “Consent is your permission for something to happen that can be given and taken at any point.” 

“How many times can you give consent?” 

“I’m sorry?” 

“I mean…” Levi took a deep breath. “You give your consent when you sign your Contract. You-you give it. Like a gift. It’s kept forever.” 

“No, that’s not accurate.” 

“In America,” Levi began, feeling and sounding just like Erwin. 

“But where are you, Levi?” 

“In Canada.” 

“Right, so it’s expected that as a citizen of this country, you follow its rules and accept its definitions. Especially when it comes to things that are as important as consent.” 

Levi swallowed and nodded. 

“Are you ready to discuss your intimate life?” she asked curiously. “It’s an important part of healing for our asylum seekers.” 

“We’re fine,” Levi squeaked, embarrassed by the topic. Erwin wouldn’t have approved of this conversation and Levi barely approved of it. Too much it felt like a violation of Erwin’s privacy to discuss it, even if Melissa would never tell anyone else, even Erwn’s therapist. 

“You say that but you asked about consent. Which, granted, could have been something unrelated but… I don’t think it is, Levi. You’re aware you have the right to say no to sex at any time, yes?” 

“Well…” 

“Levi, you can and should say no if you don’t wish to engage in any sex act whatsoever. And Erwin needs to respect that.” 

“I’m his sub.” 

“You’re his partner and entitled to respect.” 

“But what about respecting him?” Levi muttered. 

“Respecting someone doesn’t mean you have sex with someone because they want you to. You consider what you want above all and you should feel safe and comfortable enough to communicate that either, yes, you would like to be intimate with them or no, you do not give your consent.” 

It sounded so simple when she said it. But it disregarded the fact Levi had never been taught that and neither had Erwin. How could he expect him to just accept a new reality like that? To be told something he thought he had every right over wasn’t his to take as he pleased?

“I see,” Levi said quietly. 

“Do you feel like that’s something you can explain to Erwin? Maybe we can discuss how to best explain this boundary.” 

Boundary. Levi felt torn at using that term. It was fitting, somewhat, but also somehow not. “I just…” I don’t want him to leave me. “I know that he wants a certain… lifestyle.” 

“That has absolutely nothing to do with you giving your consent. No lifestyle justifies touching anyone without their permission.” 

“I gave it to him.” 

“It’s something you give more than once,” she reminded him. “It’s something that should be asked for each and every time. He should not tell you when you’re going to be intimate – it’s an agreed upon, consensual activity where both partners engage willingly and happily.” 

It sounded nice on paper. So they spent the session discussing how he would discuss it with Erwin. They didn’t have time to discuss his body image issues – not to mention he felt incredibly embarrassed by it. In the end, Levi felt more prepared for the conversation to come, but he worried that it would devolve and break down if he accused it being because of his issues with his body. So he decided to bring that up the next week and then tackle the conversation with Erwin then. Sure, it meant another week of Levi continuing to have sex even when he didn’t want to, but he’d tolerated years of it – what were seven more days? 

Her language haunted him the entire bus ride home. It felt much more intense than felt appropriate, calling intimacy he didn’t actively want to be an assault which certainly didn’t feel right. An assault was sex taken by force without a Contract. A Dominant couldn’t assault their own submissive in America. But here that wasn’t true. Even with a marriage certificate, there was no right over each other’s intimacy. 

“Contract or marriage certificate aside, rape is rape.” 

She said it like a fact, an ugly word for a horrible thing that Levi couldn’t imagine applying to what he and Erwin shared. Maybe she sensed his reproach to the word because she didn’t use it any further, choosing assault instead which was still hard to hear but not impossible. Erwin met him at the bus stop and they walked home together because it was evening and Erwin didn’t like him walking alone too close to dark. 

“How was it?” Erwin asked, holding his hand. 

“It was okay.” Levi knew he wouldn’t ask what they talked about, that he respected it was private. 

“You don’t have to tell me but – did you talk about what happened the other night?” Erwin sounded nervous, his first time addressing it. 

“Uhm, I don’t really…” He wasn’t supposed to answer that question. Well, it wasn’t that he wasn’t supposed to, he just wasn’t supposed to feel obligated to answer the questions, it was his own choice and therapy was allowed to be private if he wanted it to be. 

“Okay,” Erwin relented easily. “Moblit invited us over tomorrow night.” 

“Oh? That sounds nice.” 

“Good,” agreed Erwin. “We’ll go there, then.” 

At home Levi made dinner and Erwin wanted him but Levi wanted him too, delighted to come to home to find the laundry done and the apartment tidy, Erwin apparently bored enough to clean during a planned internet outage for some updating. They came bimonthly, a few hours at a time, by sections of the city. And usually Erwin would leave the apartment, go to the deli or a coffee shop. Once he surprised Levi at the bus stop unexpectedly. 

They were a ten minute walk away from Moblit and Hange’s apartment but Levi had found that connecting felt like a blast from the past. Levi was still expected to remove his shoes, Erwin still left his on. They had a separate mat for sub’s shoes. And, considering that space was limited in the city they had only a couch and an overstuffed chair so Levi and Hange ended up kneeling or sitting in the dining room if Hange had a lot of news from the salon to tell him. 

And today they welcomed him to the dining room table immediately after getting drinks for Moblit and Erwin. They both had Canadian whiskeys but Moblit gestured for a double. Hange obeyed without hesitation, unwilling to question their Dom in front of another. After they had their drinks Hange fixed Levi tea despite him insisting he could do so himself. 

Then they were sitting at the table and Hange launched into the salon drama of a new stylist who was renting a chair and causing trouble by trying to poach clients she covered for. 

“She’s not making any friends,” Hange told him in a heavy voice. “In fact, the owner doesn’t want to renew her lease at this rate. Unless she has a major attitude adjustment. And I want to warn her – she’s great at what she does – but I don’t want to keep someone in the salon no one wants there.” 

They chewed their bottom lip, seeking advice. 

“Oh.” Levi always felt underqualified to give them advice about what to do in the workforce. “It’s not your job to help her keep her job. You’re… independent stylists. It’s like… a workplace comfort thing, I guess? I’d imagine the good for the group comes before the group of a single person.” 

“Yeah,” Hange looked disappointed by the answer. 

“But, I suppose if she changed her behavior, she could be successful.” 

“That’s what I’m thinking,” Hange said, latching onto that. “But is that too optimistic?” 

Levi was tempted to ask if they thought Erwin or Moblit – or, by extent, they – had changed any to answer the question of how much change could be honestly expected of people. Levi was coming to find that change came often unwilling and painfully slow. But he didn’t want to rain on their parade and look down on their good intentions because that’s what they were – good intentions. 

“No,” Levi said, like he thought they wanted him to. 

Hange smiled, pleased. Levi felt like he was a bad friend and he wasn’t sure why he felt that way when his friend was happy. Maybe it was because it felt like he was lying to them and that wasn’t what friends did. And he was content to label them as such, even with the slight age gap. They stayed late, past Erwin’s alcohol tolerance and the walk home was slow and full of complaints about his new life peppered with compliments directed towards Levi. Erwin wasn’t often drunk but he tended to be a bit more emotional and less composed. When he was unhappy about something, he was going to express it. But, when he wanted something, he was keen to take it too, undressing Levi before he got the chance to break away to prepare himself for what he knew would be an evening of fumbling, Levi quickly redressing while Erwin impatiently waited for him to prepare. 

But alcohol wasn’t always Erwin’s friend when mixed with intimacy and Erwin first fucked Levi, chasing friction that might override the alcohol and then insisted that Levi finish him with his mouth while he threw an arm over his eyes to fight off the impending headache. Levi bit back his complaints at how unsanitary he found it to be and did it, even knowing it wouldn’t make a difference. And it didn’t. Levi apologized, taking the blame to spare Erwin the embarrassment. 

“It’s… fine,” Erwin muttered clumsily getting under the covers. 

Levi went to brush his teeth and by the time he got back, Erwin was snoring. Levi laid in bed, his persistent hardness nagging at him, not used to being ignored. His hand slipped down, almost touching himself – aware he had every right to do so – but he couldn’t. Guilt nagged at him, a feeling of indecency that he knew wasn’t right but was established far too soon and in place too long to ever comfortably override. And he certainly wasn’t going to bring up such a conversation with his therapist. It felt inappropriate and far too personal.

Despite his condition he was able to fall asleep and he woke up early to start a hot shower for Erwin. He laid out a cool glass cup of water on the bedside table as he started to stir, fetching pain pills. Erwin had drunk half the water and was sitting up looking absolutely miserable as Levi passed him the pills.4

“Can you – ” 

“It’s going,” Levi reassured him. He ran the back of his hand over Erwin’s forehead, the Dom’s face looking a bit pallid, ensuring it was a hangover and nothing more. 

Erwin said, “tch,” and caught his wrist, shying away. Levi knew he wasn’t sick if he wasn’t willing to be fussed over so he went to start breakfast while Erwin showered. It was Sunday, their day home and Levi suspected Erwin would do little but sit on the couch and watch TV and try to rehydrate all morning and then write in the afternoon if his headache was resolved. If not, he’d take a nap and Levi was hoping that was the case because he had a hankering for the strawberry oat milk latte down the street. He liked the person who worked there but Erwin wouldn’t want to make small talk with them if he wasn’t feeling well and insisted on coming. 

It was okay to want time apart, Levi coached himself as he felt needle stabs of guilt through his core at knowing he was interested in talking to going somewhere pointedly without Erwin. But it wasn’t that he had an issue with Erwin going, he just didn’t think it was right to make small talk with the barista because she was working. Ironic given he insisted they talk while he worked but Erwin was full of little contradictions that when pointed out he claimed weren’t but rather two very different situations. And maybe they were.  

Levi held a Secondary School Diploma officially but Erwin was forever more educated. Levi was proud of his education regardless and didn’t even argue when Erwin hung it on the wall. The only other certificate Levi had ever had hung on the wall with his name on it was his signed Contract and that was in the apartment – Levi had found it during a spring cleanout. Levi hadn’t noticed Erwin packing it and wondered why he never hung it up. Likely because it wasn’t recognized so it was nothing but a memento of the past. He still had the digitized list of rules for their arrangement but they hadn’t updated it. All of Erwin’s digital files had to be transferred onto a totally different system to be able to be accessed on computers outside of the United States but Erwin was relieved not to have lost his life’s work. And Levi was glad, too. 

Erwin joined him for breakfast and didn’t mention last night. Levi didn’t either. 

As expected Erwin laid on the couch all morning, a rather pathetic sight if Levi was to be honest but he kept his water glass full and made him a slightly more hearty lunch since he seemed to handle his light breakfast just fine. Erwin took a nap after lunch, claiming it “better take care of this damned headache,” as he shuffled off. 

Levi told him he was going to step out for a walk and Erwin muttered something that sounded close enough to acceptance that Levi looked no deeper and cleaned up before putting on his shoes and grabbing his wallet. Around him was a sea of colors, more than he remembered seeing on the streets in America, and so many different faces. Levi could honestly sit and just watch people happily for hours. He tried not to – he wouldn’t want to be observed. But his therapist said that it was perfectly normal to “people watch” and said she did so herself. As long as he wasn’t doing so in judgment, there was nothing wrong with noticing the people around you. 

And Levi was never judging the people he looked at, he just wondered about them. Sometimes he imagined the lives they lived. All the scenarios were very drab and boring and he liked that. 

He ended up ordering his latte, warm today because it was cool outside, but he ended up sitting at a table in the mostly empty cafe and texted Clarissa for a few hours. Surely, he could do this at home. But it felt nice to do it out. But he got a text from Erwin after time ran away from him. His latte was cold but there was only a bit left. Still, he drank it. He texted Erwin back hastily that he was ten minutes away. 

Erwin was twitchy when he got home, clearly not bouncing back from a late night of drinking like he used to and now paranoid as he asked where Levi was. Levi insisted he was just the coffee shop and even had Erwin look at the text messages between himself and Clarissa to prove he’d spoken to her the entire time. 

“If you’d let me track you, I’d know where you were,” he muttered as he passed back the phone. 

“That’s a bit obsessive,” Levi answered, the same thing that his therapist had said because it felt like the most accurate term. “You see I was texting all that time. I can’t walk and text, you know that. I was clearly in one place. Besides, where would I go? Who do I know that you don’t know?” 

“No one,” Erwin admitted. “Besides Clarissa, that is.” 

Levi almost thought he was going to ask for her number. He would say no, he knew. It wasn’t his to give and that was too far. He was allowed to know people outside of his Dominant. But Erwin didn’t, he went and sat heavily on the couch and complained about his head. 

Levi hung up his jacket and took off his shoes and curled up next to him, offering gentle words of support. 

A few days later they found them at the deli, no sex occurring since their failed coupling which had Levi feeling a touch worried but uncertain how to approach. It wasn’t quite at an unusual length typically but lately Erwin had been more demanding. Maybe his inability to reach orgasm had frustrated him enough to calm whatever he was going through to make him so hungry for it. But Levi couldn’t shake a feeling of personal failure on his part. 

Levi was sitting with Hange and Mandy and two other subs while Moblit, Erwin, and three other Doms discussed some new social program they were rolling out where the internet would be free for most everyone besides the highest earners. Moblit and Erwin surely would now have free internet, meaning Hange and Levi would, too, but the other two Doms were above the income bracket and sour about it because they were certain their taxes would increase to pay for it. 

Moblit was in agreement, despite it directly benefiting him, saying that he always thought the welfare system in this country was far too open-handed. “It’s how you keep the current party in charge,” Moblit said. “Keep the biggest part of the population voting for you and dependent on you, and you have a secured win.” 

“The dependency really is the goal,” mused Erwin. “Not to mention, it encourages stagnancy giving all these special programs to lower income individuals. Hands out make people complacent and content to do as little as possible.” 

“Exactly!” Pryce said. “You get it. I talk about this shit to anyone else and it’s just bleeding fucking hearts for people who just need to better themselves.” 

Levi wondered if he realized that Moblit and Erwin still depended heavily on welfare themselves while they awaited enough classroom hours for a degree. Levi turned it out, uninterested in hearing about the negativity directed towards something that had made their own success possible and paid attention to the book Mandy was reading. 

It was apparently incredibly controversial but in a good way for this crowd, supporting far right ideals. It was set in America, controversial within itself because there was discourse on whether what happened in the country was a human right violation or not. But not only was it set in America, but it romanticized what non-traditionalists regarded as abuse. 

“Where are you?” Mandy asked the other sub eagerly. 

“She just arrived at the salon. She’s going to surprise Beau.” 

Levi had seen the cover of the book and almost snorted to himself. The sub was wearing a flowy, three-fourth sleeved dress with a floral pattern, kneeling between standing legs. The premise was ridiculous, in Levi’s opinion, easily disproven as not at all the process for a Contract to form. But their protagonist was a Fourth of July blonde, quirky with a bad habit for interrupting that the two Doms both found endearing and not bothersome like they would have. The fact she’d get to choose between two Doms was ridiculous given her father was a Governor and Levi had heard Mandy describe the mother as tenacious which couldn’t have been further from how her demeanor would be. 

“Oh! Oh, it gets so good there – you learn more about Missy and Thompson’s Contract rules.” 

Such a thing would never be discussed at a stylist and especially because her Dominant would be right there the entire time. But Levi let them have this skewed image of what life was like across the border. Until Mandy sighed wistfully, “God, I was born in the wrong country.” 

“No you weren’t.” Levi’s tone was a touch cold and she drew back at it. “America is very different from fiction written by someone who has never been there.” 

“Oh. Oh, uhm, yeah, I just mean… The-the family ideals, the… structure. It sounds… nice.” 

Levi swallowed back his anger, forced to recognize it was an overreaction. “Yes,” he said, though it pained him. “Those are… good things, I suppose.” 

They changed the topic from the book and Levi knew it was because of him. He didn’t want to spoil the reading experience for them but to hear free subs want to live under such strict servitude was more than he could bear. Back at home, Levi borrowed the book from the online library, disturbed to find it in the top one hundred in popular picks, and tried to read it. He couldn’t make it past the first chapter where their protagonist kissed a Dominant she hoped to court her on the cheek in public. 

A submissive child of a politician would never do something like that. It was considered shameful. 

It was such a small but major oversight that told Levi she hadn’t a clue what living in America as a submissive was like whatsoever. 

He abandoned the tablet and went to the living room. Erwin had been at the table but he’d taken his laptop to the couch. “Hey, I thought you were reading,” he said. 

“Oh, uh, it wasn’t for me.” 

“Hm? What book was it? Was it too d– uhm, boring?” 

“No, it wasn’t too difficult,” Levi said, only a touch sourly because he appreciated Erwin catching himself but it still smarted that Erwin forgot about his education. “It was just stupid.” 

“Stupid?” Erwin looked amused. 

“It was that stupid fuc-stupid book that they keep talking about at the deli. The one set in America.” 

Erwin blinked. “I didn’t think you’d be interested in it.” 

“No,” Levi agreed. “They just kept talking about things that could never happen and – ” 

“It’s fiction, sweet boy.” Erwin cuddled him, soothing over his annoyance with a kiss on the crown of his head. 

“It’s giving people the wrong idea of America.” 

“So? It’s not like they can really emigrate there.” 

“It’s the fact that people want to – Mandy said she was born in the wrong country.” 

“Maybe she was.” Levi glared at him and Erwin smiled. “Just because you were miserable there doesn’t mean that those who want that lifestyle would be, too.” 

“They would be because they don’t really know what America is like. What it’s actually like to be a submissive there. They don’t know. They just know what this fucking… trite tells them about this place.” 

“You’re allowed to swear,” Erwin said, like it pained him. “But remember what we talked about in therapy? About… about respecting my comfort, too?” 

Levi sighed softly. “I’m sorry,” he said, leaving off the honorifics because it felt unnecessary. “But you have to see where I’m coming from.” 

“I do,” Erwin said softly, brushing his hair from his eyes. “Hm, it’s about time we pay a visit to Hange.” 

Because Erwin still went with him to appointments. Levi didn’t mind, often, but he knew that others found it odd. The dentist had an awkward conversation with Erwin, talking to Levi as well, which he didn’t understand because the dentist was actively working in his mouth, checking for cavities. His doctor was a bit less forgiving and had originally said that he didn’t allow partners in the exam room with him but Levi had quickly reassured him it was alright. But the doctor wasn’t keen on Erwin answering questions for Levi and these days he was there in presence alone, on his cellphone, a permanent fixture in Levi’s life. But when they visited Hange, Erwin always ran a point on what Levi did with his hair. Levi didn’t care even if his therapist thought that Erwin should be discouraged from taking such a huge role in his choices. 

“I’ll send her a text,” Levi promised. 

“Try to schedule it for next week. Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon so I can get some grading done after the morning classes.” 

“Okay.” 

“Maybe you could finish the book.” Levi was about to object. “See if you can figure out what it is that they’re so attracted to. Maybe you’ll change your opinion.” 

“On America?” 

“On the book. I doubt anything will change your opinion about our country.” 

“Our old country,” Levi corrected. “And it’s just… It’s stupid, what’s the point?” 

“Maybe to have something to talk about when we spend time with our friends?” Erwin gathered him in his arms, kissing his jawline with each point. “So you could share your opinions – your positive opinions – with them. So you can lend your knowledge.” 

Levi couldn’t help but laugh, a touch bitterly. “I doubt they want to hear my knowledge about life in America. By the time we’re done, they’ll be hightailing it from those Doms just as fast as possible.” 

“Don’t be so bitter,” Erwin chastised carefully. “What we have is perfect, is it not?” 

“Yes.” Levi said it automatically, without a thought. Then, he corrected himself. “Well, I don’t know about perfect but it’s… It’s good.” 

“Hm.” Erwin sounded a touch hurt. “I think we’re perfect.” 

Levi folded himself up in Erwin’s lap, enjoying the arms caged around him. “I suppose,” he said. 

That night, Erwin wanted his mouth only. Levi on his knees, eyes locked with Erwin’s even though he found eye contact increasingly difficult, especially as his cheeks were manipulated to massage the length. Erwin praised him the entire time which kept him from feeling too used. The pleasantness that had come with feeling like a toy had been steadily declining and now it felt increasingly demeaning. It made Levi worried about what the future would be like once he addressed this with Erwin. When consent was something he’d have to ask for and respect when Levi didn’t want to give it. 

There was no fear in Erwin taking what he felt he was owed, but he worried about being scolded, about cold shoulders, about Erwin leaving him for a sub who would give what was expected without complaint. 

Levi swallowed the spend and brushed his teeth, declining Erwin’s offer of his hand much to the Dom’s surprise. Levi promised to Drop tomorrow and Erwin agreed, reminding him about his busy Saturday approaching and how he wanted him to be ‘prepared’ for it. Levi often warred between what he was told about Drops and how he felt after Drops. 

His therapist told him that they believed it was the cause of why so many American subs ended up with early onset Alzheimer. Levi wasn’t sure he bought it. Sharle was very aware until she died and it was Pastor Smith who lost his awareness in his final days and he certainly wasn’t the one Dropping. But it made him a touch nervous, he would admit. He brought it up to Erwin who reminded him of his mother who was fine and that soothed him greatly. 

The next day, Friday, was his therapy appointment and he was full of anxieties as he sat in the waiting room. Erwin had walked him to the bus stop and had even rode the bus with him to the stop. It was a bit longer of a bus ride now that he’d moved but the difference was only about fifteen minutes. Erwin held his hand the entire time and suggested going to the deli after the appointment. Levi wasn’t certain he’d feel up to it, especially given the fact that Levi planned on kind of laying himself out. So he asked if he could think about it and Erwin responded just to text him to let him know when the appointment was over so he could warn Martin. 

Levi agreed they parted at the bus stop, Erwin planning on looking around the area for a stationary store, looking for new pens. Levi wished him luck and went into the building. He no longer waited in line when there was one, going right to the elevators and going up to the waiting room. The volunteer who did their community service hours there greeted him with familiarity. The same guy was there, a Dominant, Levi thought, though he was lanky and ropey and not very broad, was still there more often than not. He was a lot less twitchy and a few times he’d ever made small talk with Levi, a day when they were running late, pondering what could have been going on. As it turned out their system had gone down so they were on the phone with IT technicians trying to get everything rebooted so they could access patient information. 

Levi said very little to him but he didn’t seem to mind, content to fill up the silence on his own. He was spared from having to say anything in return by the tattooed guy fetching him and the guy gave him a wave before leaving. Levi was still wrapping his mind around the fact people talked to subs so casually in this country. 

“So, how did your conversation with Erwin go?” Melissa asked instead of asking him what he wanted to talk about today. 

“Oh.” Levi felt guilty for no reason whatsoever. “We haven’t really, um, discussed it yet.” 

“Oh? You haven’t really discussed it or you haven't discussed it at all?” She was asking if Erwin simply wouldn’t hear him so he’d given up. 

“I haven’t discussed it at all yet.” 

“Ah, okay. Well, I’m surprised. It seemed important to you.” 

“It is important.” Levi didn’t want her to think he’d wasted her time coming up with the right way to explain his feelings only to drop the concept. “I just… I hoped we could talk about something else first?” 

“Of course we can. What would you like to discuss?” 

Levi felt stupid. He felt vain. He was embarrassed. “My, um…” God, what was he doing? Was it worth this shame just to get out of his duties? 

“You’re in a safe place, Levi. I’m not judging you – I’ll never judge you.” 

But she would because he knew he was making a fuss about nothing, but it just didn’t feel like the nothing he knew it was and it was driving him insane. 

“Mybody.” He said it quickly, the words merging into one in his haste to get the words out and over with. 

“Okay.” She understood him regardless of the slurred word. Paranoid thoughts about his body shape changing so much it was on the top of her mind occurred to him but chances were, it was just easy to pick apart. He was trying to challenge irrational thoughts, like she’d taught him. But for some reason, challenging them didn’t shut them up any. They came with the same frequency. “What would you like to discuss about it?” 

“I…” He tried to swallow but his mouth was too dry. He picked up his water bottle and took a swallow. “I don’t feel… okay with it.”

“Hm,” she hummed. “That’s unfortunately a very common feeling.” 

“No, I know,” Levi said hastily. “I wasn’t okay with it before really, either but… I’m less okay with it now.” 

“Do you know why?” 

Levi thought it was cruel she was making him say it. But he probably would have been hurt if she’d come right out and addressed the weight gain. “Because I’ve gained weight.” His head fell forward, unjust shame filling him like he’d just admitted a crime. 

“It's recommended by your physician," she pointed out. “And even if it wasn’t, weight gain comes with getting older. And you’re young yet but you’re getting older and your body will change with you. It’s something that is hard to accept but it will bring a lot of peace once you come to terms with it.” 

So… It happens, get over it? Levi had expected more. “Okay,” he said. 

“What matters in life is health. If you ever reach a weight that you feel is unhealthy then there will be support to help you. But I assure you, you’re doing fine Levi. If anything, you could stand to gain a bit more weight.” Alarmed, Levi looked up. Though, at the same time, it felt inevitable. “Can I ask what scares you about it?” 

“I don’t know.” He thought about Erwin’s words, about his promise to love his body no matter what. It wasn’t like he could lose Erwin over it. “Erwin made comments – positive ones, not… negative and they upset me.” 

“It can be hard to hear things that you don’t believe,” she agreed. “It feels like they’re just telling you what you want to hear.” 

“Yes,” Levi agreed, relieved she understood. 

“But what reason do you have to believe that he’s doing that? Are you assuming his intentions and his thoughts?” It was asked playfully, back from when they first tackled Levi’s assumption of people being angry with him through assuming their line of thought. “Erwin has always been very direct with you, hasn’t he?” Levi nodded. “Do you think that would reasonably change over something like this?” 

Levi thought yes but knew the answer was probably no. “Probably not.” 

“Is that rational thinking?” 

“Probably not.” 

“So, do you really think that Erwin would not be honest with you over something as unimportant as your weight?” 

“It is important.” Levi hadn’t ever disagreed with her so directly. “You don’t… It was always important.” 

“I apologize, Levi. Can you explain more so I can understand why it’s so important to you?” 

“I’m a sub,” he reminded her. “I have to be… appealing. That’s, like, the base rule. My base purpose. And to be… appealing I need to be… I need to look right. And I don’t anymore. And I feel like…” 

“Yes?” 

“I feel like maybe I’ve lost control.”

“Do you think your eating is disordered?” She paused. “Actually, let me rephrase that – how has your eating changed since coming here?” 

“I eat… more. A lot more. But… the portions for me are bigger when we go out and… I guess it kind of bled over into home life because I started to give myself more food. I don’t know why, I wasn’t really thinking. And-and I snack, too. Sometimes more than once a day.” He felt better, confessing it. “Hange looks practically the same.” 

“You must remember that your calorie intake was almost half what it should have been,” she said in a very steady tone. “What you’re eating now is a normal amount from what you’ve told me. I eat three meals a day with two snacks. Sometimes I have dessert. Sometimes I snack all day with no meals whatsoever. Eating can be chaotic sometimes and that doesn’t mean you’re eating wrong.” 

“I don’t know how to feel better about it,” Levi admitted. “I know that my doctor says it’s good I’m gaining weight and Erwin… seems to agree but… I don’t agree.” 

“No, but your doctor and Erwin weren’t penalized for eating growing up,” she pointed out. “So it would be easier for them to accept than you. I know you’re not a fan of journaling but what if you wrote a few sentences about how you feel after each meal? I’d be curious to see your thoughts fresh so we can unpack them more.” 

Levi loathed the idea but he wasn’t going to be difficult. “Okay,” he said, though he fretted about the frequency of the entries. “Every time?” 

“That would be helpful,” she said. “You can keep track in a document if that’s easier and just email it to me a few days before our session next week?” 

“Yeah.” Levi supposed he could do that. Typing it on his phone or Erwin’s laptop would feel better. Levi had enjoyed his typing class and while he was still slow and janky at it, he liked the sound the keyboard made and the feeling of the smooth keys under his fingers. “I can do that.” 

“Thank you,” she said. 

The rest of the session, Levi talked about the book. She said she’d started it herself but was put off by the romanticism of an oppressive regime, having met too many victims of the country to ever see beauty in it. Levi was relieved that she agreed and said that Erwin wanted him to finish it. She told him that it was his choice what he read but that sure, it might be nice to have something in common to talk about to that crowd but his comfort came first and if it felt distressing – which, she felt, later chapters would be “triggering” (Erwin hated that word) – it was best he protected himself and said no, reminding him how good it felt when he put up and enforced his boundaries. He left out how bad it felt to disappoint Erwin. 

He texted Erwin at the bus stop, while he waited. He said he wasn’t feeling up to it and apologized. His Dom answered promptly offering to pick up a sandwich for him because he’d stopped in for a drink after he got his stationary. Levi thanked him and put in his headphones for the ride. 

Hange confirmed that he was on their schedule as he unwrapped the sandwich. He loathed to admit that the homemade bread was delicious knowing it came from someone with fascist ideals. He had to appreciate that they thought most of the diet aspects were bullshit and so Erwin could order him a ham and swiss without issue. Erwin sat with him despite eating at the deli, asking him if he wanted to go to the harvest market that would take place in the local park on Sunday. 

Levi agreed eagerly, he’d seen advertisements for it on the television and on the side of the local buses. It brought a huge artisan crowd of small businesses, apartment-canners, community gardeners and crafters to share their goods.  Erwin pondered their budget for it, reminding him again for the coming holidays, and Levi wondered if he was meant to ask for money for Christmas shopping or just transfer less money out of his personal account into Erwin’s. He would likely ask – he didn’t want to overspend, Erwin handling all the bills and taking responsibility for their combined income. 

Levi had left that detail out of therapy, uncertain on how Melissa would feel about that. He worried she’d fret about it, thinking Erwin was controlling his finances but really, he was managing them which was very different. Hange and Moblit did the same thing which made him feel even more secure about it. 

They settled on a budget, Levi flattered to be included even though he really knew nothing. He wasn’t even certain how much they paid for their bills and what was still paid for by the program. After Levi threw away the paper the sandwich had been wrapped in he cleaned where he ate and finished his tea. Then he sat on the couch beside Erwin and slowly typed out how he felt. 

He felt… Satisfied. Full. But seeing those words made him feel guilty because he wasn’t meant to eat for satisfaction but for sustenance. He was supposed to eat until he was filled not full. He wrote that, too, though he wasn’t certain if it would remain. He saved the note in his phone and leaned against Erwin who had his ereader in his palm, reading dense text. 

“Darling,” he murmured gently as Levi closed his eyes and enjoyed the closeness. “Are you ready?” 

“Not right now.” It wasn’t quite a statement, more of a plea. Not quite the tone that he wanted. 

“You’ll feel better for it,” he reminded him. “Go get ready.” 

Levi opened his eyes with a sigh and obediently got up, going through a routine he began to wonder if he could do with his eyes closed. Erwin met him in the bedroom, teasing him with his fingers pressed deep, rubbing in expert circles that overrode the typical peaks of pleasure while he stroked his length. Levi whimpered, stifling himself the best he could as he pleaded for release to be granted, the pressure mounting and mounting with no end in sight. But eventually Erwin gave him permission and he spent thrusting hungrily into Erwin’s fist as he chased his pleasure, teeth burrowing into the bedding to silence himself. 

And in those moments of slow syrupy sweetness, Levi felt more at home than ever in Erwin’s arms, cradled against his chest while he wiped his skin clean and told him how beautiful he was over and over again which felt nice in that state where he could barely string together a proper thought, hazy and so deep in ‘Space it was like nothing mattered. 

He slept deep and sound in Erwin’s arms and was, as usual, in a great mood the next day.

Notes:

next chapter will be posted tomorrow morning (or possibly afternoon bc i'm going to costco and since i'm, ahem, an executive member, i go early in the morning). (she says, like she pays for this membership and wasn't just given someone's extra card :P but sure, let's pretend i'm fancy) but the entire fic is finished and edited so it will absolutely be posted!

Chapter 4: f o u r

Summary:

levi gets a haircut, erwin feels judged; levi and erwin go to a harvest market in a park and couple's therapy; they come to a compromise.

Notes:

5am upload again~ my sleep schedule is fucked lol. this chapter has some more angst in it (the angst will be resolved soon haha). enjoy lovelies~

tw: controlling behaviors

Bringing it up was harder than expected, choosing to go passively along with Erwin’s wants was easier than voicing his complaints when Levi knew that he was lucky that Erwin still desired him now he no longer fulfilled the American ideals when the Dom cherished so much about the country. So he kept putting it off, even as things returned to normal, the failed attempt moved past without addressing it even though Levi wished he could have had the courage to make it clear that he didn’t like what was done. 

“So,” Hange said, glancing at Erwin at the salon. “The usual, sir?” 

“Yes, I think so.” 

There was one Dominant stylist, a woman, who was also the owner, there. She tended to always be there and Levi wondered if that was on purpose. 

“How are you today, Erwin?” she cut in, sidling over. 

“Oh, good, thank you.” Erwin was uncomfortable around her, it felt. But he seemed uncomfortable around anyone who might look down upon him which Levi supposed was fair. “The usual is fine, Hange. Right, Levi?” 

Levi, who was busy trying to finish writing how he felt eating the hard strawberry candy that Hange had pressed into his palm. He hadn’t wanted it but they said there was something ‘special’ in the middle that intrigued him. Now he felt like he was just eating for pleasure and surely that wasn’t right or normal? 

“Hm? Oh, yes.” 

“You don’t want to try something new?” she asked. “You could try short hair.” 

“No,” Erwin objected. “Levi prefers his hair long.” 

“Yes,” Levi agreed hastily, seeing the other Dom’s mouth set in a hard line. “I like this length. It’s perfect.” 

“Well, if you’re happy with it,” she said. “But remember – hair grows back. Sometimes a change can be fun.” 

“Certainly,” Levi agreed. “Maybe one day.” 

“Yes, maybe one day,” she agreed, going back to working on the computer, subtly overseeing the salon. 

The interaction was quiet, mostly unnoticed by the other chairs except the one beside them though the stylist tried to keep the woman talking. Levi was embarrassed and wished he’d spoken up in support earlier. He usually was quick to confirm, knowing she hovered and listened, and yet he’d let himself get distracted. Erwin was tense and Levi worried about him insisting they switch stylists. 

Hange made conversation with Levi, trying to lighten the mood, maybe aware they may lose two clients and Levi tried to be upbeat with them. But the walk home was tense, quiet, and Levi took Erwin’s hand, giving it a squeeze. 

“She just doesn’t understand us,” he said, trying to discourage him from doing something rash. 

“No, she does,” Erwin argued. “She just hates me.” 

“No,” Levi argues. “She just… worries.” 

“Yes and it’s insulting,” Erwin said plainly. “It’s as if though if you don’t subscribe to the same ideas as everyone else you’re some horrible… abusive person. She doesn’t recognize that we have an understanding, that you can – and will – speak up if you disagree with me.” 

“Exactly,” Levi said. “But you know that and isn’t that enough?” 

“Oh, how the tides have turned,” Erwin mused suddenly. “Suddenly it’s you telling me to go with what society deems right.” 

“No,” Levi said carefully. “I don’t think it’s a matter of right or wrong. It’s just… choices and preferences in our relationship.” 

Erwin sighed and let go of his hand in favor of wrapping it around his shoulders, drawing him close. “My wise little Levi,” he said, but he sounded amused. Levi wasn’t certain how to read it. 

“We can go back, can’t we?” Levi asked nervously. 

“I don’t know, sweet boy. I’ll think about it.” 

Levi started to chew his bottom lip but decided he wasn’t going to silence himself. “I want to go back.” 

“I know you do.” 

“I mean… I’m going to go back.” 

Erwin’s hand tightened incrementally on his shoulder then, remembering physical corrections, even passive ones, were no longer acceptable, loosened his grip. “Why would you want me to go somewhere I’m unwanted?” 

“We can work around it,” Levi said, tone pleading. “We’ll… we’ll agree beforehand and I’ll tell Hange myself. And then you’re still there making sure everything goes okay and it’s acceptable to you and it still sounds – is – my choice.” 

Erwin was quiet and Levi wondered if it was the slip up at the end that had him thinking or the idea itself. 

“I suppose,” he said with some reluctance. “But if she’s still aggressive we’re finding you a new stylist. Perhaps Tamantha.” 

Tamantha, from the deli. Levi was determined not to let the circle close in around them. Hange didn’t count – they came before the deli, even if they were part of the crowd. 

“It’ll be fine,” he insisted, more to himself than to Erwin. 

“Good, then we’re in agreement.” Erwin was pleased with that. 

“Yes,” Levi confirmed anyway. 

The night Levi wondered what he’d look like with short hair as he brushed his teeth. It wasn’t a style he’d ever considered. A submissive always wore their hair longer than their Dominant which, granted, had always felt feminine to him but he’d worn his hair a bit lengthier his entire life. It was something he had accepted early on with ease, telling himself it was a personal choice. That he liked his hair how it was. And he did. But he wondered what he’d look like with short hair, a conservative cut like Erwin’s perhaps. 

It made him smile, the idea seemingly so far fetched, and he cleaned out the sink after he was done before bed. Erwin hadn’t requested him, those needs satisfied last night so he cuddled against him, happily falling asleep. 

That Sunday they went to the harvest market in the park. Levi picked his own clothes, though Erwin did approve of them after he presented himself to the Dom who was scraping the bristles from his chin. Levi picked up the cloth and brushed away a dollop of cream from his collarbone, Erwin’s upper body bare. He could walk shirtless around the apartment but he didn’t like Levi to do the same but Levi also rarely tried. 

“Let’s head out,” Erwin invited. “I thought we’d walk there.” 

“Okay,” said Levi brightly. 

It was a sunny morning, cool but comfortable, and there were plenty of people out walking either getting coffee, to various bus stops in the area, or heading to other events in the area. They held hands without judgment and Levi enjoyed the fresh air. It was only about a twenty minute long walk and they stopped at the cafe to get drinks. Erwin got a tall black coffee, hot, and ordered a lavender matcha latte. 

The park was pretty busy, an even mixture of Doms and subs alike and Erwin held tight to Levi’s hand as they shifted from table to table. The table owners chatted with them but Erwin instinctively answered for Levi sometimes. He would notice when the table operators would eye him strangely, Erwin urging Levi into the conversation he’d backed out of so he didn’t speak over Erwin. 

“You can’t let me do that,” Erwin groaned after a stiff goodbye with a jar of raspberry preserves from raspberries grown over the summer in a rooftop garden in this part of the city. 

“It’s okay,” Levi reassured him, tucking the jar into his canvas bag. “You don’t mean anything by it.”

“Not to them it’s not,” Erwin reminded him. “I’m tired of being looked at like a jerk.” 

“I just didn’t want to interrupt.” 

“I know, sweet boy, but please – speak over me.” 

Levi, pleased, ultimately did so. At first it was awkward, Levi uncertain in cutting over Erwin when he responded to a question directed at Levi. “Yes he’s – ” 

“Yes, I really enjoy tea.” He swallowed, half expecting Erwin to correct him. The Dom had pressed his lips together for a second and then smiled encouragingly at him, recalling that this was what he’d asked for. 

“Well, are you familiar with the Yunnan leaf?” 

Levi glanced at Erwin who nodded his head, encouraging him. “I’m sorry, no I’m not.” 

“That’s alright – it’s a Chinese black tea. I just started growing it in the past few years and it’s quickly become a favorite.” It would be easier to speak to the man if he wasn’t a Dominant. Doing so alone was easier than doing so directly beside Erwin. He had expected more submissive vendors but there seemed to be no roles established between Doms and subs. It was alright for Dominants to want to grow plants and can and craft. 

“I’d suggest, if you’re interested in buying some – to go with the sampler vial here.” 

“Oh.” Levi had only been drawn over by the interesting balls of tea and herbs in glass jars. “I… I don’t know.” 

“No pressure of course,” he said. 

“Would you like to try it?” Erwin asked. “We can get it for you.” 

“If it’s okay with you,” Levi said quietly, still uncertain about asking for things beyond coffees or a sandwich from the deli. 

“Mmhm,” murmured Erwin and he paid for the tea in a glass vial that he thanked the Dominant for. 

“Thank you si-um, thank you.” The slip up was embarrassing and it wasn’t missed, the Dom’s eyes flickering between the two of them despite the smile on his face. 

“You’re welcome,” he said. 

Erwin took his hand and led his stiffened body away, his face burning with embarrassment. “God,” he groaned. “I’m so dumb.” 

“You were just trying to be respectful,” Erwin soothed. “It’s okay.” 

“No it’s not – it’s weird to other people.” 

“So? We were weird in America too.” 

“Yeah but… Not for the same reasons.” 

Erwin chuckled and tugged him close, kissing the top of his head which felt a touch infantilizing but he ignored the annoyance, pleased with the new tea he could try when he got home. “I suppose not. Oh, look, fresh baguettes. You could make bruschetta?” 

Levi agreed and Erwin took point in buying it, Levi content to pay mind to the stand of flowers beside them. Erwin didn’t often come home with flowers these days. It was a very unnecessary expense Levi knew but he missed it sometimes. 

“What have you got your eye on?” Erwin inquired, eyes following his quickly averted eyes. “Ah. I have neglected you, haven’t I?” 

“Hardly.” Levi couldn’t imagine Erwin being more attentive to him than he already was. 

“Pick a bouquet,” Erwin suggested. 

“No, no, I’d much rather you use our money more… wisely.” 

“And what’s unwise about making sure my sweet boy has something pretty?” Erwvin’s voice was low, personal, and inviting. 

Levi shivered, pulled into the blue abyss of his eyes. It was like everything else melted away and it was just them. “Go on,” Erwin urged. “Pick a bouquet for the apartment.” 

Feeling dazed and almost syrupy, like he was going to Drop but far, far from it, he clung to Erwin’s hand as he peered around the bodies of two women putting together their own custom bouquet. Levi wouldn’t want that. He’d want something pre-made, especially if he had to do the talking. Plus, he’d never really had much of an eye for flowers despite Sharle’s best intentions. She made him put together the arrangement every week with her so he could identify most of the flowers but he still hadn’t a clue what fit with what and what was gauche together. 

The women moved along and Erwin urged Levi forward. 

“Hello gentlemen.” It was an older lady, a submissive. “Looking for some flowers today?” 

Erwin gave Levi’s hand a squeeze, prompting him to speak. 

“Yes.” He tried to sound normal, not as nervous as he felt. He’d underestimated just how many people would turn out for this event and all the bodies so close together had him on edge and he wasn’t certain why. “Uhm, just a bouquet please.” 

“I can build you one or I’ve got a few premade ones over here but they’re pretty picked over.” 

“That’s fine,” Levi said, words a bit rushed. “The… the one with roses, I think. Erwin?” 

He looked up, ensuring he made the right choice. “If that’s what you like,” Erwin said simply. “Though I always thought you preferred lilies.” 

He didn’t really but he was okay with them. “Right,” he agreed. “The lilies please.” 

“Get the roses if that’s what you want.” It wasn’t an order but things felt tense for some reason. It was all in his head, he knew, his pattering heart making him hear a tone that wasn’t there, giving this moment more power than it should over him. 

Levi’s hand itched upward, like he was going to tug at his hair, an urge he hasn’t had in quite a while. Levi caught himself and dropped his hand. “Whatever you want sir, um, Erwin.” 

Fuck. Twice in one day? Erwin made a soft sound and took over, requesting the roses. The table owner was a little taken aback by the interaction, Levi could see the discomfort on her face. She was judging Erwin, thinking negatively of him. Erwin turned from the table with the flowers and an encouraging smile. Levi couldn’t quite look at him and said, “flowers for you, sweetheart.” 

Levi took the flowers and forced a smile in return. “Thank you,” he said. 

“Mmhm,” he said and he thanked the table owner who returned the thanks but there was an edge to it that Levi didn’t love. 

Things felt off the rest of the trip. Levi was twitchy, reactive, forced to stop himself from using honorifics more often than expected, struggling to speak when Erwin instinctively spoke over him. 

They took the bus home, Erwin accepting the burden of the bags but Levi clutched onto the flowers like a life raft, like evidence of Erwin loving him despite his mistakes and his many, many shortcomings. Sensing the upset, Erwin rubbed his back and Levi wasn’t certain if he wanted to shy away from the touch or lean into it. He did neither, just held onto his flowers and thought about how he’d failed Erwin. 

The second they walked through the door that instinct to lower himself to the floor hit him harder than it had in months and Levi almost did so. But he knew how much it debased him, how awful it made him feel, and he fought it off with a quiet apology. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I’m sorry I… I’m sorry.” 

It was a lousy apology, not listing exactly what he’d done wrong. Erwin set down the bags, lifting his downcast face. “Hey, it’s alright sweetheart,” he reassured him. “It was… It was a touch difficult of a trip, I’d say but… We had a good time, right? You got your tea.” 

“Yeah.” Levi’s voice was thick with impending tears and that annoyed him greatly. 

“Hey, no tears,” soothed Erwin, stroking his cheeks. “Calm down, okay? Go sit.” 

Levi felt powerless to disobey and did so. He sat on the couch, still clutching his flowers, and Erwin brought the bags to the kitchen for Levi to put away later, coming out and sitting on the couch beside him. He put a hand on his knee at first and Levi wanted to pull away, though he was uncertain why. He didn’t, even though his therapist told him to respect his body’s need for space, even if he thought that Erwin wouldn’t agree. It didn’t feel like that though, like he was overwhelmed or stifled. He was too well adjusted to Erwin’s touch for such feelings to surface often and when they did he was good at responding to them. Erwin’s reactions could vary but more often than not he waited until Levi initiated contact to start touching him freely again. 

“So… What happened?” 

“I don’t know.” Levi felt stupid admitting it, emotionally immature for not having words for his emotions, especially after so much time sitting on that couch in his therapist’s office. “I felt… Overwhelmed, I think. There were a lot of people and I guess… I guess it reminded me more of being in cities in America which is stupid because there’s a lot of people on the street too it’s just…” 

“Well, it was an organized event,” Erwin contributed when Levi trailed off. “It probably felt like you needed to be on your best behavior.” 

“Yeah, that was probably it.” 

“Hm. Well, did you enjoy any of your time there?” 

Levi glanced at him. “Some of it.” 

“Hm. Maybe we’ll try again next year,” he suggested, a frightening prospect for Levi whose heart was still racing, who still felt full of guilt for his improper behavior even knowing it was proper for where they were. “We’ll check in closer to it.” 

“Okay…” Levi could be okay with that. He didn’t really have a choice because Erwin gave his knee a pat that was a clear release. He needed to put things away. He stood up. “Do you want something to drink while I put things away?” 

“Some water would be great,” said Erwin with that smile that always made things better. “I think you did amazing today, Levi.” 

Levi flushed and looked down. “Thanks,” he muttered; he didn't believe him but knew it was an irrational reaction and he should accept the praise. 

That night Levi made bruschetta for dinner with soy-glazed chicken for Erwin. Levi just ate bruschetta and Erwin complained, as expected, but when he insisted he eat a few bites from Erwin’s plate he refused outright. Erwin didn’t love it but he didn’t argue, though he was a touch short with him all evening. Levi was writing how his evening tea and a cookie made him feel when Erwin settled in bed beside him. 

“What are you working on?” Erwin asked curiously, going so far as to reach for the phone. 

Levi knew it was just curiosity but this felt too personal to share with even Erwin as he pulled the phone closer to his chest. Erwin blinked in surprise – Levi had never hidden anything from him before. 

“Sorry,” Levi breathed, feeling like he’d just done something terrible. “I’m sorry, I just…” 

“Let me see.” It wasn’t a request and the back of Levi’s neck prickled. 

He swallowed hard, thickly. “I would rather… not.” 

“Why?” It was asked with a forced curiosity, like he was trying to humor Levi to the best of his abilities but was very upset with him. 

“It’s personal,” he said, maybe the wrong thing to say but the most accurate. 

Erwin’s jaw tightened a moment. “I see. Too personal for your Dominant?”  

“Too personal for my… partner.” Levi was trying to shed the term verbally even if they couldn’t shed it internally. It made it feel like more progress was being made to him. “It’s nothing, really. It’s just for therapy.” 

Erwin hummed and picked up his tablet from the nightstand. He didn’t say another word to Levi that night but Levi still slept in his arms. The silence on Erwin’s end felt intentional and Levi spent many hours awake, wondering how he could protect his privacy and still satisfy Erwin’s need to know what he was doing. Surely it looked strange, suddenly typing away multiple times a day when before he barely picked up his phone in the apartment unless it was Clarissa’s day off and they were chatting. 

They hadn’t gotten together in a while. Her days off had shifted to Saturday and Sunday, a delight for her, but Levi was so busy on Saturdays and Erwin wanted Sundays spent together. It just didn’t line up anymore. But they would still text frequently, at least once a day if not more. 

So he understood why Erwin might find it strange. Levi had already tried to talk to Erwin about this issue and he didn't listen. So he went to the next place that gave him direction and was following those instructions. Erwin was no longer, technically, part of the solution any longer. This had to do with his self image. Not to mention, he would be greatly embarrassed if Erwin thought he’d lost control of his eating. He wasn’t certain he had, it was up in the air, and he hoped that Melissa would shed some definitive light on that once she had all the evidence of his sometimes mindless consumption. More than once he wrote he didn’t even remember what he felt, he just ate because he felt hungry. So he did something he’d never done before but that Clarissa showed him the day she met Erwin (unjust, in Levi’s opinion, and why he swore he’d never use it) and put a password on his phone. 

He didn’t think Erwin would notice. He’d never seen the Dominant go through his phone and he couldn’t imagine why he’d want to. But he did leave it unattended a lot, often on the charger, and it wouldn’t be hard for Erwin to pick it up and go through its contents. And Levi wasn’t ready for exposure like that. And he supposed if Erwin did notice, he’d find it strange and maybe comment on it but likely respect Levi’s want for privacy. 

But Levi didn’t realize he’d find it suspicious until they were in couple’s therapy a few days later and Erwin quite plainly said Levi was hiding something on his phone and it concerned him. 

Levi was, firstly, confused. They hadn’t mentioned the night once and Levi had thought – hoped – Erwin had forgotten all about it with the end of the semester and the increase in grading he was doing. But it seemed, through his workload, it still bothered him. 

“I can understand how that can be concerning,” the therapist agreed. “But it’s important to remember that Levi has a right to privacy.” 

“He’s never hidden anything from me before,” Erwin pointed out, like that overrode the point. “And now he’s put a password on his phone.” 

The therapist hummed, like that was interesting and Levi’s stomach sank making him think that maybe he’d done something wrong. 

“Did Levi tell you that or did you discover that on your own?” he asked Erwin. There was no judgment in his voice, just mild curiosity. 

Erwin faltered, like he was admitting to some wrong doing. “I… Well, I went to just look and I couldn’t get into it anymore.” 

“Anymore?” 

“I – he’s my sub. I just like to make sure he’s… okay.” 

“You go through my phone?” Levi’s voice was quiet, not quite offended but not pleased. 

“Not like that, just to make sure…” Erwin seemed uncertain what he was ensuring when he was looking through Levi’s phone. 

The sub felt a flicker of undue anger inside of him. Surely it was within Erwin’s right but the way that the therapist was looking at Erwin, with disappointment, suggested it wasn’t. 

“I thought you were working on controlling behaviors, Erwin.” 

“I am.” Erwin sounded annoyed. “What is wrong with knowing who your submissive is talking to?” 

“I get the sense that you don’t feel like you can trust him.” 

“I can’t! He put a password on his phone.” 

“Hm,” murmured the therapist. “Has Levi ever been unfaithful to you?” 

“No – but he never really had the opportunity,” Erwin grouched, as if Levi would ever do such a thing. 

“I would never.” Levi was offended. “I would never, how dare you!” 

“Levi, take a breath,” suggested the therapist. 

Levi wanted to stand, to leave the room. But he knew he had to be mature, to sit through an uncomfortable situation. “Sorry,” he muttered. 

“No need for apologies,” the therapist reassured him. “Just try and explain how you feel, rather than shouting.” 

Levi knew he wasn’t being scolded but it felt close enough to it that he shrunk down slightly. 

“What are you hiding?” Erwin demanded. “If you just tell me I won’t have to wonder.” 

“I told you, it’s personal.” Levi kept his voice even but with no small amount of effort. 

“And that should be enough,” cut in the therapist. “If Levi has never given you a reason to distrust him, to me this seems like a bid for more control from you, Erwin. You want to control what he talks about and who he talks to on his own cellphone.” 

Erwin sighed heavily. “I know. I know. I just…” 

“Does Levi have permission to go through your phone?” The therapist continued to apply pressure to Erwin who seemed uninterested in talking about the topic any longer. 

“Well… I’m a TA. I have the professor of the class communicating with me about students. It’s an ethics issue.” 

“But what about the privacy rights of Levi? Or the people he’s talking to who aren’t aware there's a third party viewing their personal communications?” 

“You’re making me out to be the villain,” Erwin said hotly. “When all I’m doing is making sure Levi is okay.” 

“You have to trust him,” the therapist said casually. “You have to trust that he’s going to tell you if he needs to discuss something with you.” 

Erwin started to cross his arms, closing himself off from the conversation and the therapist hummed thoughtfully. “I’ll leave a note for James,” he said. “To discuss control issues resurfacing. I think it could use deeper, individual focus. But, for now – a hard truth: what you’re doing is controlling and while it doesn’t make you a villain, per say, it certainly doesn’t make you a good, supportive partner.” 

Levi expected to feel satisfied by the therapist taking his side but it just kind of felt like they were piling up on Erwin who was just trying his best. “He is,” Levi said quickly. “He… It’s just… I can show you. I’ll show you.” 

“I don’t think you should,” the therapist said as Levi fumbled in his haste to unlock the phone. “Take a breath, Levi. Remember what we said about fawning?” 

Fawning was supposedly Levi doing anything or agreeing to anything to remain agreeable and reduce the chances of conflict. Levi wasn’t certain it would apply given they were in the thralls of a conflict that it felt only he could solve. 

Erwin huffed. He didn't like the term at all because it implied he was an abusive partner. He maintained it wasn’t abuse but a difference in culture and customs. But their therapist would reply that he was expected to follow the laws of the country he was in which said that this kind of behavior wasn’t okay. And while the laws were shakier when it came to little things like this – being controlling – domestic discipline was strictly not tolerated. Erwin agreed to that, admitting that it had always felt a bit off and a struggle. He made it seem like he was relieved to no longer have to resort to turning physical to keep Levi in line. But he quickly found there was nothing to replace it with but scolding and disapproval that felt increasingly heavy. 

“I’m sorry.” Levi stilled the phone in his hands. “I just don’t want Erwin to be upset.” 

“Then why wouldn’t you just tell me right away? Why make me bring it here?”  

“You… You didn’t bring it back up,” Levi pointed out feebly. 

“I shouldn’t have to,” Erwin said sourly. “It should have been addressed immediately.” 

“No, it shouldn’t have.” The therapist was happy to interject. “Levi is not your possession any longer. He is a man with free will and every right to do what he pleases and keep what secrets he wants. Especially when he’s done nothing to make you believe you couldn’t trust him.” 

“This. This is why I can’t trust him!” 

“It sounds more like Levi should be wary of trusting you – you’re the one going through his personal technology without his consent.” 

That word again. 

“He gave me his consent when he signed our Contract.” Erwin said with certainty. 

“That’s not how it works, Erwin.” He looked at the clock on the wall. “We’re running low on time but we’re going to put a pin in this conversation. Levi, will you give Erwin and I a moment please?” 

It wasn’t often that one of them was held back individually – it defeated the purpose of couple therapy. But he nodded his head and fighting the urge to pass Erwin his phone, went out into the waiting room, the therapist swinging the door shut behind him. Levi sat in a waiting chair and thought about removing the password. It would solve this conflict that he hadn’t realized was such an issue. 

Erwin came out ten minutes later looking a bit irritated and Levi rose to fall to his heel. Erwin made the appointment, the receptionist verifying with Levi that the time worked for him, too. Levi nodded his head and Erwin took both appointment reminder cards and they went to the elevator. Levi stood quietly in the cube, listening to the tinkling music through the little speakers. 

“It’s just journal – ” 

“No.” Erwin interrupted him. “It’s… private. Keep it that way.” 

Levi felt scorned, Erwin’s tone one of unpleasantness and he looked down at his feet. The bus ride was silent, Erwin on his phone. Levi didn’t look at the screen but, the more he thought about it, the more he recalled Erwin looking at his screen rather openly. Levi hadn’t had an issue with it – maybe he should have spoken up more in his defense in therapy. Maybe that was why Erwin was upset. 

At home Erwin immediately got on his laptop in the kitchen. Levi wanted to make tea but he didn’t want Erwin to think he was forcing his presence upon him so he sat on the couch one arm wrapped around his legs as he looked at the setting in his phone, debating on if deleting the password was really fawning or not. He wished he could ask someone but he knew Clarissa would say yes and Hange would say no and probably be horrified that Levi had tried to hide his phone. They already couldn’t believe he wouldn’t allow his phone to be tracked. But Levi had hated that the car could be tracked wherever he went and going places without his location being followed by his Dominant felt like a new kind of freedom and one that he very much liked. 

He had a feeling his therapist would agree with Clarissa, that Levi simply didn’t like the discomfort so he was trying to appease Erwin. Because, deep down, even more badly than he wanted things to be calm and good, he also didn’t want to discuss his body image issues with Erwin who so clearly didn’t get it. And he’d given Erwin a chance to be part of this but he had, perhaps unknowingly, failed at that. It felt bad ousting him but it also felt right. His therapist said doing the right thing wasn’t always the same as doing the easy thing and it wouldn’t always feel as nice in the short term, but in the long term is better for him and he’d benefit from it. 

Levi knew that settling these boundaries would lead to more peace and security in the future for Levi. Where he could have his own private happenings and not involve Erwin in them. And Erwin would respect it. He wouldn’t be angry forever. And there were no real consequences anymore. No paddle, no plug, no tawse, and certainly no strap. 

Eventually Levi had to start dinner and Erwin ignored him almost religiously. Levi tolerated it. Dinner was almost silent, Erwin only speaking up when he needed something. But then, as Levi was cleaning up after dinner, Erwin came behind him, running a hand down back, letting it settle on the small of it. 

“I’m being terrible, I know I am,” he confessed and Levi looked at him, shaking his head. “You’re sweet to a fault, darling. It’s none of my concern, it’s not my… right anymore to know… But…” 

“My therapist wants me to write down how I feel after I eat.” He didn’t want to tell him, he really didn’t. But Erwin’s eyes were so quietly pleading, looking for reassurance that it wasn’t something ghastly or awful like Levi plotting to vanish on him. 

He frowned. “So you’re not… talking to someone you don’t want me to know about?” 

Levi almost rolled his eyes. “No, Erwin. Why would you think that?” 

“I don’t know.” Erwin had the audacity to look sheepish. “You’re just…” 

“I’m just?” Levi was a touch upset. He’d been accused of infidelity, something seriously punished back home. And he knew it was different here but to think he thought so lowly of him was almost unfathomable. But it was true, he did think that. He’d implied it with the therapist but had outright asked after being told the truth. Levi wanted to throttle him. He also wanted to cry. “I’m just… so wild and loose that I’d disrespect you and myself like that?” 

“No,” Erwin said hastily. “Just… I don’t know. It was stupid.” 

“Yes, it was.” Levi went back to the dishes, holding the biodegradable sponge so tightly his nails bit in the material. “Yes it was. I can’t believe you.” 

“Sweetheart.” Erwin ran his palms up his hips and Levi was reminded that they had more meat on them than they did before and it made him shift free, bumping against the counter, hurting his hip bones. “Don’t act like it came out of nowhere. The way you tried to dress all summer to go to work – I’m not supposed to worry you’re trying to appeal to some Canadian Dom who wants that?” 

“Shorts, Erwin! Long shorts! It’s hot.” 

“It was hot back home and you cleaned in pants.” Erwin said evenly and Levi turned to face him. 

“And do you think that was comfortable? It was so hot and – no. I’m not having this conversation with you right now.” Levi went back to the dishes before the water got too cool and he had to drain it prematurely and refill it. “Please give me space right now, Erwin.” 

“We don’t have to have it at all,” Erwin dismissed. “You’re right, I was overreacting. I’ll just ignore you showing off your body to others.” 

Levi ignored him and he sulked off. It felt like ten steps back but he told himself that came with progress as he took his time cleaning the kitchen, putting off facing Erwin and addressing the accusations. He wanted to be reassuring – he was certain that was what Erwin was looking for – but it felt like he’d been manipulated into telling him about what he was doing on his phone and the more he thought the phrase the more “his” stood out. It belonged to him. Sure, Erwin paid the bill but he paid the bill at least in part with money Levi earned. He had a right to privacy. And he had a right to trust too and it felt like he got neither. 

“Do you want to discuss it?” Levi brought tea with him, he had a feeling it would be a long conversation. 

“Not particularly, but sure.” Erwin turned off the TV and half spread his legs, like Levi was going to kneel there but caught himself and Levi sat on the couch beside him. “You have to see where I’m coming from” 

“I do.” Levi could, that was true. In America, subs didn’t walk around in shorts and a tee. They didn’t show their arms or their legs or their chests or their stomachs. That included male submissives. But that didn’t mean that it forced modesty was right. “But you have to see where I’m coming from, too.” 

“I’m trying.” Erwin took his hands. “But when I see you put yourself on display I just can't help but wonder who you want to look at you.” 

“No one.” Levi’s face burned in humiliation at the very thought of anyone looking at him like that. “And certainly not with how I dress.” 

“I beg to differ.” 

“Different cultures,” Levi reminded him. “What you deem inappropriate is more than appropriate here.” 

“And that makes it right?” 

Yes. “To them.” 

“But not to us.” 

“I… I guess I think that it’s right.” Levi started to chew his bottom lip, stifling further words but then forced himself to keep talking. “I do think it’s okay to show my legs and my arms. I think… I think I should be able to show my torso in the apartment too.” 

Erwin’s expression twisted. 

“You won’t even consider it.” 

“You won’t consider what I want.” 

“I have. I… I make little changes for you all the time. I still wear mostly neutral colors. I still wear pants and a long sleeved shirt or at the very least a sweater – especially this time of year.” 

“What’s under your sweater matters too.” 

“No it doesn’t.” Levi wanted to rip out his hair. “Erwin, listen to yourself. You’re acting like I’m dressing indecently. And, for what? Who am I putting on this show for, hm? I only clean for people you know who aren’t even there most of the time. And they’re all straight – I highly doubt they’re looking at a male sub. Or are you worried about the other subs that I work with? That I’ll be… That I’ll disrespect our Contract?” 

“You’re reminded constantly how it’s not legally binding,” Erwin pointed out. 

“So? It was binding for us. For me. Maybe they don’t recognize it – I do.”  

Erwin was quiet, pondering those words. “Compromise?” he suggested feebly. 

“What do you suggest?” Levi could hear him out. 

“You keep your pretty self for my eyes only and I… stay out of your phone.” 

“So I give up my freedom to dress as I please and in return you stop doing something you’re not supposed to do?” Levi’s tone was cool. He was put off by the suggestion. 

“Okay, okay,” relented Erwin. “Just… no legs, okay? And no sleeveless shirts, either.” 

Sleeveless shirts had been Levi’s saving grace during a heatwave. But he had also felt very exposed, feeling warm air against skin that should have been sheathed with fabric. He’d told himself to get over the discomfort by wearing the shirt more but he’d only worn it a handful of times during the wave. Was it really giving up that much? And the shorts were so long did they really make that much of a difference? 

“And you’ll do what, in return?” 

Erwin, not used to having to give in order to get, raised a thick brow for a moment looking unimpressed by the push back. Levi looked him boldly in the eye, holding it for as long as he could (which wasn’t as long as he would like) and then looked down with a muttered, “give me something, eyebrows.” 

“I’ll stay off your phone.” 

Levi sighed quietly. It wasn’t enough but it was something. “Fine.” 

“But no more passwords. If you want me to trust you, I need to know you’re not trying to hide something.” 

Levi was stressed. This opened up Levi to a betrayal like none other. But… he had to trust his Dominant. It was just harder to do since everything happened. 

“Fine,” he said, feeling like he was giving up more ground than initially planned. “Fine, I’ll remove the password. You know now anyway.” 

“Yeah – what was the big deal of hiding it anyway?” Erwin tried to shift the conversation and Levi sipped his tea, trying to enjoy as much of the new flavor before it grew tepid and the flavors muddled. 

It was slightly sweet and peppery. Unique and smooth and Levi enjoyed it greatly. He wished they’d gotten more than the sampler vial but he knew there was a Chinese market in the area so maybe this would be there. 

But he was putting off answering Erwin, uninterested in being so open. “Oh, uh,” Levi hedged nervously. “I don’t… Last time was such a wreck I thought maybe it’s best to pick it apart with a… professional.” 

“I see.” Erwin didn’t like that he was cutting him out. 

“I don’t want to worry you,” Levi reassured him. “Not that you should be. I just… I just think it’s best this way.” 

Erwin took his hand and kissed the back of it. “Whatever makes you happy, angel. It’s all for you.” 

Levi wished that didn’t sit so ill with him.

Notes:

next chapter will be updated tomorrow morning!

Chapter 5: f i v e

Summary:

levi has therapy, learns that the more things change the more they stay the same, has a hard conversation with erwin, and they come to a much needed understanding about consent.

Notes:

we're still on the 5am update schedule. my sleep schedule is cooked. pls enjoy this chapter where things finally start to turn around for levi~

“Well, I looked over your journal entries and I didn’t see anything in the patterns for concern. But your feelings towards eating are something else entirely but not at all unexpected given how you were raised.” 

Those weren’t the words that Levi wanted to hear but he’d expected them. Because he knew he shouldn’t feel the way he did, that it was toxic ideas from his youth that he’d known were wrong at the time but internalized as a way of coping, even with that underlying understanding of its wrongness. But those feelings were wired into him now and he didn’t know how to fix it. 

Logic told him that this was the right place to go but all he could do was think of his childhood counselor sighing saying they'd add his ‘food issues’ to the list. Not much really changed in life, did it? Situations could be drastically varied but at his core, he was the same flawed submissive. So, like the pathetic person he clearly was, he put his head in his hands and cried. 

He hated crying in her office. It felt like an overreaction to sob over something that wasn’t actively happening, like he was lingering on the past rather than trying to move forward. But he was given time to gather himself and a tissue he accepted, mortified, trying to gather the strength to address what she’d said. 

“It’s stupid,” he complained. 

“My opinion?” 

“No! No,” Levi said hastily. “Getting so upset about it.” 

“I don’t think so. I think it’s a burden you’ve carried alone for a very long time.” 

“I don’t know about that. It was… it was easy in America.” 

“Nothing about food deprivation and restriction is easy, Levi.” 

“I always ate enough.” 

“No, actually, you did not.” 

“But not… I wasn’t suffering. I wasn’t hungry.”  

“I doubt that,” she said simply. “I’ve had patients describe the same thing only to later realize – once they have a healthier relationship with food – that they simply learned to tune out those cues. And I think they’re coming back now. Your body is getting what it needs and it’s challenging what you were taught to consider enough and what truly is enough.” 

Levi’s eyes flashed to the clock, as though the session hadn’t just started. As such, only twenty minutes of the fifty had elapsed. He could end the conversation but he knew he shouldn’t. That this was… important and necessary. 

“So, what, it’s normal to feel this way? To… suddenly want to eat all the time?” 

“For asylum seekers, yes.” 

Levi wished America would just release the claws it had in him. But he feared that it wasn’t claws in him, it was a part of him. 

Exhaling a shaking breath he said, “oh.” 

“Yes – how are you feeling right now?” 

“I don’t know.” He felt like pulling his hair, but that wasn’t productive. “I think… I just need to think for a minute.” 

“Okay,” she said. “Take all the time you need.” 

She took a drink from her water bottle, as though Levi wasn’t there, giving him the feeling that he was almost invisible. Levi tried to take to heart that it was normal. That he was supposed to feel this way, to get hungry so fast and so frequently. But it wasn’t that frequent, she said. At least not unusually. That made him feel a bit better, though he was ashamed to admit it. For someone who loathed being compared to others, it was all he’d done since coming here. 

“How do I become okay with it?” 

“Well, firstly, you should try to be okay with the fact you’re not okay with it.” Confused, Levi thought that defeated the purpose. “It’s okay to grieve the loss of a body that you worked very hard to maintain, that you quite literally starved for, but keep in mind – it was an unhealthy body, even if it was what others wanted.” 

“It didn’t feel unhealthy.” 

“You never felt weak or tired or dizzy?” 

Levi had before, after longer days when he was cleaning two houses on top of his own. But he’d have tea and recover easily. He assumed it was normal. 

“I guess so,” he said with reluctance. 

“And after you’re done grieving you’ll realize all the freedoms that exist when you’re in a healthy body. Doing things will be immensely easier, your physical discomfort will be better.” He thought about his hip bones hitting the cabinet. He almost liked the pain, seeing sore bumped bones without enough padding as evidence of the ideal body type. Of the body type he was expected to have. But… not anymore. 

“It also helps to understand where your fear of weight gain comes from but I think we can deduce that it came from that society where you were expected to keep a very, very small form since your youth. No small feat, I’m sure.” 

“It was fine.” Levi hadn’t really struggled much with it. Those years when he learned control he was carefully watched. Even with his supposed ‘food issues’ he managed to keep the right body shape. He supposed he’d have to thank his foster Doms for that. “And it’s more than that. It’s… What if Erwin doesn’t want me any longer?” 

“I thought you said he was supportive?” 

“He is.” Levi swallowed. “But surely that has a limit.” 

“You’d be surprised,” she replied. “I’ll be honest, I’m proud of him being so accepting of it.” 

Because he shouldn’t be. But, no, that likely wasn’t why. It was because Erwin had been difficult about a lot of changes and this one he’d accepted rather easily. Partly, he assumed, because there was little Levi could do about it. Or maybe he wanted to see him destroy himself, become undesirable to anyone else because of some deep-seated fear of Levi leaving him. 

“Yeah,” he said, unwilling to unpack that when they were having an active conversation. 

“Typically I’d suggest looking at your familial body types – to give some sort of genetic blueprint of sorts, meaning to give you an idea of what your natural body would be like,” she said. “But I can see that being difficult, given you only knew your sub mother who would have maintained a similar body weight.” 

“She did until she didn’t.” Levi thought about her, wasting away. “She got too small.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that.”  

“Yeah.” 

“So,” she said. “I think the most important thing you can do is redefine your values.” 

“Redefine my values?” he echoed. 

“Yes. Realizing how much time and effort disordered eating takes out of a person is huge in recovery.” Levi hated that word. “Think of all you could do with that extra time you spend after meals obsessing over what you ate.”

Levi highly doubted he could ever shake it but… he’d try. “So I should just… eat and not think about it?” 

“There’s a blurred line between mindfulness and deprivation when it comes to asylum seekers I’ve found,” Melissa said. “So I suggest trying it.” 

Levi nodded his head. “I can do that.” He was uncertain but he was determined. He wanted to break free of this. Before they left, she gave him some very difficult assignments. Firstly, to ‘honor the body he was in now’ which he would have to ponder what that meant exactly, and to ‘stop negative weight talk’ which was much easier said than done. She asked if he wanted an extra session at the end of the week because she’d gotten a cancellation. He would have, had he not had plans to go to the deli. He doubted Erwin would appreciate showing up alone. That crowd seemed iffy about therapy so he doubted Erwin would give that as the reason and risk the questions that would arise. 

“That’s okay,” he said. “I have a lot to work on.” 

“You do,” she agreed with a smile. “But I think you can do it.” 

Levi appreciated the vote of confidence as he didn’t feel very confident right now. He went back home and Erwin, interestingly, wasn’t home. He hadn’t said he was going anywhere and Levi thought about texting him but decided that just as he wanted freedom to as he pleased, surely his partner wanted the same thing. Plus, he was hungry from the walk over and it felt easier to eat an empty apartment than to eat knowing that Erwin noticed. But why wouldn’t he – he always noticed beforehand. 

But he had just found another issue, not a solution to bringing up the idea of consent to Erwin. Though it felt less pressing, his temporary moodiness about submitting his body having passed, it was still important. He made himself tea and stood in the kitchen, eyes shifting from the cabinet where Erwin kept his sweet treats (though Levi was of course welcome to them, Erwin picked them out), the pantry closet, and the fridge. So many options. Guilt was nibbling at him, telling him that he didn’t need to eat. That the hunger was in his head. But it wasn’t. It was real, he was told it was and he had to trust her. She was a professional. And she said this was normal, that this was his body giving cues again that he’d long since tuned out. Though, honestly, he wished they hadn’t come back. 

He opened the cabinet, taking down the bag of shortbread cookies with a chocolate hazelnut filling. It was incredibly rich, he could only eat one or two at a time, and it felt like an easy way to ensure he didn’t overindulge. He brought his tea and his two silver dollar sized cookies to the table. Levi had seen a silver dollar once – Erwin showed it to him. He had a small collection of pre-war money, bills long out of circulation like a two dollar bill that he had in a binder. Levi wondered what would happen to all of his antique pieces. Likely seized and auctioned off, like everything else. 

Levi evened out the sweetness of the cookies with the tea and then wiped down the table and cleaned his mug, the infuser, and the saucer the infuser sat on. He sat on the couch, Erwin still gone and enjoyed the space. It felt strange, not writing down his emotions after he ate. It was even stranger pointedly not thinking about how the food sat in his stomach. Unwelcome and yet welcome at the same time. Out of place and yet satisfying. The sweetness lingered on his tongue. He told himself he felt good, that not being hungry was pleasant. 

Erwin came home shortly before dinner, slightly intoxicated but in a great mood as he swept Levi up in a hug and a passionate kiss. Levi smiled against his lips, surprised by the sudden intensity. 

“I love you,” Erwin murmured into the soft part of his throat. Levi had to work hard not to think that it used to be a hollow but was filling in slightly bit by bit. “My beautiful, sweet boy.” 

“I love you too,” Levi mused. “Should I get you some water?” 

“Tch,” Erwin tutted playfully. “Don’t rain on my parade.” 

“Of course not,” Levi agreed. “I just don’t want you to be miserable tomorrow.” 

“I’m not that drunk.” Erwin pulled free and sat on the couch, spreading his knees. “Kneel for me, sweetheart. Just for a moment, won’t you?” 

Levi didn’t want to but Erwin was in such a good mood… 

“Alright.” His body had changed somewhat and it made going to his knees a bit less graceful than it was once. Plus, he was well out of practice doing so clothed, which did make a difference. 

Erwin hummed, pleased and ran his fingers through his hair. “Thank you,” he said. “I missed this a bit.” 

“A bit?” Levi asked. 

“A lot,” he admitted. “But I know you hate it.” 

“I do.” 

“Thank you for doing it anyway.” 

“I suppose once in a while I can kneel for you,” Levi said with some heaviness. 

“Mm – was your appointment okay?” 

“Yes, it was fine.” Levi minded his tone. He didn’t need Erwin to fret about his eating again. They’d already dealt with it in high school and he’d accepted it when Levi claimed not to have an issue, though he kept a close eye on Levi regardless, though the sub pretended not to notice. He didn’t think Erwin would be as willing to trust him if this therapist agreed that he had food issues as well. Even if they were the opposite, they were still issues. It still implied he hadn’t been feeding himself properly. “Were you at the deli?” 

“Mmhm,” confirmed Erwin. “We were discussing the upcoming election. I was going to wait for you but… I didn’t think you’d enjoy it.” 

“Oh?” Levi didn’t feel left out exactly but he couldn’t help but notice that Erwin didn’t tell him where he was going – but expected Levi to tell him. But that was just the customs of America, the way society had been built. “Well, I’m glad you had a good time.” 

“I don’t know about that,” he complained. “They’re Canadians who think they can emulate a country that is independent. Martin is talking about sourcing from inside his country while he’s opening some Chinese soda for a customer.” 

“How terrible,” Levi said. 

“You wouldn’t think so,” Erwin said, amused. “Say – fetch my laptop for me, won’t you?” 

Levi was grateful to stand. His legs got sore quickly these days, what with the extra weight on his knees. He wondered if that was part of why American Doms insisted upon thin forms – it made subservience easier as well as making it much easier to overpower him. His knees cracked, a touch embarrassing but Erwin hardly noticed, leaning forward to pick up the remote and turning on the TV. Levi took the laptop off the charger and brought it to Erwin who gestured for him to kneel again. 

“I have to start dinner.” 

“Oh, I had a sandwich.” 

Levi had yet to eat but his needs had always come second so he knelt again, ignoring the pain in the knees and listened to Erwin type out whatever stroke of inspiration he’d gotten for his book. Levi wasn’t certain that he’d be able to publish anything educational until he had his degree. He wasn’t even certain the Dom had started looking for publishers for previously published books, either. Levi wanted to ask because he knew it was something that Erwin cared about a lot but he feared reminding him of a potential rejection that might have taken place behind the scenes. 

He knelt longer than he was comfortable with, Erwin typing away feverishly. Hunger nagged at him, something easier to ignore in the past. Levi almost asked if he could stand but he remembered he had free will and did so himself. His knees protested, his legs ached, and his stomach felt hollow. Erwin looked up at him, more sober than he’d been an hour ago. 

“Everything okay?” 

“Just, uhm…” God, it should be easy for him to say he was eating. “Dinner?” 

“Oh. Oh! Yes, go ahead.” 

Levi shook off the words, not taking them as permission, and ended up making himself a sandwich. Erwin didn’t join him at the table which he was fine with, focusing on eating and trying to really tap into the good parts of it. The flavor, the feeling of being full. And as he was cleaning up, Erwin put his laptop back on the charger. 

Levi recalled his cup of water on the table and went back into the living room. Erwin hastily folded his arms over his chest, like he was hiding something under his bicep. Levi’s brows furrowed as grabbed the cup and then went back to the dishes. He was halfway through washing it when it occurred to him that his phone was out there on the charger where it usually was. But he couldn’t understand why Erwin would be looking at it if he’d promised not to. 

Because he’s never betrayed you before? He’s never lied? 

But Levi was meant to give Erwin renewed trust. Erwin had sworn, in the therapist’s office, that he’d never lie to Levi again. That he’d never betray him. And he’d looked a bit misty eyed when he’d said it, some of the most emotion that Erwin had shown beyond annoyance on that couch. It meant something. And yet, when he was done cleaning up the kitchen, he went to where his phone was charging. It was still there and he felt bad for doubting Erwin. Surely he could have put it back but he wasn’t going to let his suspicions run away from him and turn it into something it wasn’t. 

The next day he left early to go clean, meeting up with Mandy who was quiet, sipping her matcha latte from home. They rode the bus, bags between their knees as Levi texted Clarissa. She worked in a call center for the city’s biggest hospital. Mostly she ended up doing instant messages rather than calls and it allowed her to multi-task during lulls in demand. It had lined up nicely this morning and Levi was catching up. Clarissa wasn’t much of a morning person, claiming to be a ‘night autistic’, but her day shift hours had given her the ability to be sociable even when tired. 

“Hey, Levi?” Levi looked up from the message he was slowly typing out, empty promises of finding a Sunday to get together. 

“Yes?” 

“I know you’re not a fan of the Beloved series but, uhm, I was reading part of it and I just… was wondering if it was true?” She seemed uneasy bringing it up and that, in turn, made Levi uneasy. 

He was certain he wasn’t meant to do anything to drive the subs off of this lifestyle. Erwin would be livid if one of the people he considered to be friends lost their partner because of Levi putting ideas in their head. “I can try,” he hedged, aware he could say no and she’d probably be understanding. But that felt dishonest. 

“Well… There’s this side character and she’s… Uh, they called her a rental sub.” 

Levi’s stomach clenched. “Yeah.” He tried to sound indifferent. 

“Well, she was talking about her… Contract and she said her Dominant added it. But she’d have to agree first, right? She’d have to want to… sell herself?” 

Levi wasn’t super familiar with the process but the short answer was that a sub did as their Dom told them. Once they signed the Contract, it could be amended by the Dominant at any time. Ideally, both parties agreed on it but that ideally was said lightly, with more flair than actual enforcement. 

“No.” Levi was going to be honest with her. “It could be added without her…” Consent. There it was again, a bad penny. “Permission.” 

“But that’s… That’s slavery. Where’s the love in that? Or is it like…” she lowered her voice slightly. “A kink thing?” 

Levi was deeply uncomfortable even though it seemed much of the world saw their oppression as such in their own circles. “It can be.” His voice was a touch strained. “But… It’s a money thing, too.” 

“Oh.” She sounded very put off by it and Levi was glad about that. “I couldn’t imagine…” 

Levi thought rental subs were the most unfortunate subs there were but they weren’t often found in Erwin’s circle. At least none of the events Levi went to would have entertained such things. “They’re more popular around younger crowds,” he said shortly. “I know – ” He paused, wondering if the story was perhaps more horrific than even he thought it was, adjusted to it. 

“Yes?” Mandy looked thrilled and frightened all at once. She wanted to know but she knew she wouldn’t like it. 

“Well, Erwin’s final roommate had a sub that he would rent out in exchange for favors.” She paled, thinking of Pryce passing her along for a deal. That wasn’t too far off from the truth. “He once gave her over for an entire week in exchange for a paper being written.” 

“To… Erwin?” 

“No,” Levi said quickly. “I don’t think… I don’t think Erwin’s ever, um…” Erwin wouldn’t be okay with this conversation. “Uh, no she wouldn’t need to give her permission to be made into a rental sub.” 

“Oh.” She shuddered, a delicate little shiver. “Okay. Thank you.” 

“Mmhm.” He said tightly and tried to go back to texting Clarissa but the conversation lingered. 

He knew she was put off by the legal sex work that happened in the city – most everyone who frequented the deli was. They wanted a return to traditional values, a higher standard of purity for everyone. And the women who sold their services, subs or Doms alike, were looked down upon by them. Levi couldn’t have cared less but he had a hard time understanding it. But he’d only known rental subs and that left a bad taste in his mouth that lingered towards all forms of sex work. He’d just add it to the exhaustive list that he had running in brain of all the things he needed to amend his thought process now he was here. 

They arrived and Levi sent the required text message that wasn’t replied to immediately because Erwin was in class, but was read immediately. He cleaned, thinking about his conversation with Mandy, wondering if it had woken her up any about the realities of living in America as a submissive. Maybe she’d realize that she wanted more from life than being a stay at home parent to five children of her fiance Dom. That was the go-to profession of the powerhouse Doms these days, emulating America where the businessman was right at the top with the doctors, lawyers, and intellectuals. 

As far as Levi understood, Pryce was doing very well and would be a great support. But Levi was a bit put off by the fact they weren’t married yet. He tried to keep in mind that customs were different here, that expectations were different here than they were back home where people married quickly. 

They had lunch together, Levi sending a text letting Erwin know he was free in case he wanted to call on his lunch, too. But Erwin often ate with his professor, grading as well as gaining more knowledge. But Erwin surprised him, texting back that he’d like to call if he was available. He didn’t like to take calls during lunch but Erwin was fond of them. He thought it made him bad company for Mandy but she was busy watching short videos on social media, inspirational trad wife content that Clarissa couldn’t stand but couldn’t get away from. She claimed whenever she opened the apps there was someone advertising oppression like it was unlocking some final ultimate form. 

Levi found that curious, wondering how someone could romanticize such an empty existence. Though children did take that away somewhat – it just didn’t feel like an option for them. No one had asked them about adopting, like it was an expectation, and Levi knew Erwin wouldn’t be interested in doing so until after he’d secured a job as a professor and had his doctorate’s back. At least, Levi thought it was still called a doctorate here. 

“Mandy?” 

“Hm?”

“Do you mind if I speak on the phone during lunch?” 

“What? God no – I’m sitting here on my phone, being terrible company – ” 

“No, no,” Levi said quickly. “You’ve worked so hard, you deserve to relax however you please. Erwin just asked me to call.” 

“Please,” Mandy said, gathering her things to move from the conference room to one of the offices. All she had left was half a sandwich and some trendy energy drink popular around the traditional crowd. “Go ahead. Just let me know when you’re done and we’ll finish up here, hm?” 

“Absolutely.” 

“Let’s hope Henry doesn’t have any more guests.” She tried to look disapproving but she seemed too bashful about it, perhaps recalling the conversation this morning. 

“Yes,” said Levi, picking his phone. “Let’s hope not.” 

He phoned Erwin who answered immediately. “Why the delay?” he questioned. It wasn’t exactly demanding, more of a concerned inquiry that made Levi roll his eyes, but fondly. 

“I was making sure Mandy didn’t mind.” 

“You are in charge of her,” Erwin reminded her.

“Perhaps.” Levi thought it was rude still, not quite adjusted to phone etiquette. “How’s your morning?” 

“Fine – say how about we hit the deli after I’m back tonight, hm?” 

“Okay.” 

“Good,” Erwin said, pleased. “So, how’s your morning been?” 

“Good,” Levi said, assuming that Erwin didn’t want to be bored with details. “How’s yours?” 

“Oh, great – I got approval that after this semester I’ll be transitioning to ‘graduate’ hours.” 

“Great!” Levi was glad, he couldn’t wait until he had a table clear. 

“Yes, great,” he agreed. “Mark – er, Professor Allin – says I’m a shoe-in for a position in the history department. It’s difficult to find professors with as much experience as I have.” 

“I bet.” Levi was thrilled for him, he was. It felt like things were falling into place for him. 

“You know, with a professor’s salary you won’t have to work,” he said with care. 

“I like having my business,” Levi said quietly. 

“I bet.” Erwin’s tone wasn’t thrilled for him. “Are you planning on eating at any point, sweet boy?” 

“Oh. Right.” Levi was hungry, he just hated him talking with his mouth full. 

Erwin provided plenty of conversation and soon Levi was hanging up, repacking his lunch box and meeting up with Mandy to finish the office clean (it was closed today and Levi couldn’t reasonably do it Saturday so he did mid-week cleans instead) before heading to the residential clean. The apartment was empty, not in too terrible shape from the Dominant popping in, staying a night or two given the amount of dishes, and then flying out to some other city for a few days before returning. Levi wasn’t sure he could handle constantly being on the move like that – and couldn’t help but think he’d make a terrible parent and partner being gone so often. 

But, American Doms did it, though typically they boarded their submissives rather than leaving them home to tend to the house like Henry would once he stopped finding satisfaction in paid affection and sought something genuine. 

Levi went home after that, cleaning up and preparing for the evening. He had a snack, only debating about it for about five minutes which was progress, and he evened out the heavy meal he would certainly have at the deli with some grapes and a cup of tea at the recently cleaned table. Erwin had left the scraps of his breakfast on his plate so it was a pain to wash off the dried egg yolks. He wasn’t certain how to get after the Dominant about cleaning up after himself more now Levi wasn’t picking up directly after him. If they got bugs, Levi would lose his mind and Erwin would never hear the end of it. 

He showered after his snack and met Erwin at the door who had stayed late to help tutor. He’d texted, at the very least, to let him know they were still on for the Deli – he’d just pop in, freshen up, and they would go. Moblit was meeting them and Levi was happy to see Hange. 

“That’s what you’re going to wear?” Erwin asked after he came out from washing his face, patting it dry with a towel that he passed to Levi to put in the hamper. 

“Yes.” Levi went to the bedroom to put it in the hamper, Erwin hot on his heels, going as far as to open Levi’s shirt drawer. “Erwin, please, you agreed.” 

“I did but it’s chilly,” he said, taking out a long sleeved shirt. “But it’s warm enough that you’ll be uncomfortable with a sweater. This is the most logical clothing option.” 

“Well I appreciate it.” Levi took the shirt and folded it back up. Erwin sighed heavily. “But let me learn on my own, okay?” 

Erwin’s lips pressed together as he rubbed his arms on Levi’s exposed arms. “Okay,” he relented. “Okay. I just… Seeing your…” 

“Arms?” Levi asked with a tight smile. “They’re arms, Erwin. You have them, too. And you show them off all you want.” 

“So you are showing them off.” 

“Erwin, don’t nitpick my words. You know I was just making a joke.” 

“Well, it’s not funny.” Erwin sighed, unhappy and tugged at the hem of the sleeve, as though he could extend it. “Alright then. If… this is how you want to present yourself… and represent me… I take it, you're ready?” 

Would it be a big deal to change my shirt? But, no. He needed to maintain his voice, his own personal choices. “I’m ready,” he said. 

Erwin sighed heavily and they left. Erwin offered his sweater multiple times on the walk over until Levi quite pointedly said, “I’m not cold – stop asking,” and Erwin half ignored him (while holding his hand). But he didn’t speak to him unnecessarily and Levi accepted this as him throwing a subtle fit at Levi holding him accountable to his promise. He wanted pants – that’s all he was getting. And he was lucky to have it. 

At the deli Martin’s eyes lingered on him and he wasn’t certain if it was interest or him judging him – and by extension, Erwin – for how he was dressed. 

“Cold one,” he commented. Judging him, then. 

“It is,” Erwin agreed, shaking the man’s hand and going to stand at the counter with him as he was bagging up a delivery order. 

Levi was used to Doms judging him negatively, but never for a lack of compliance (as an adult, at least). He went to sit with the subs, noticing none of them had their arms exposed. His stomach was starting to sink as he second-guessed his determination. Levi’s skin pulled tight into gooseflesh and he skated his palms against the bare skin. It wasn’t indecent but it felt that way. He felt underdressed, he felt… skimpy and that wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair. 

“Hi, Levi,” greeted Hange. 

They had dressed as Moblit had likely wanted them to, wearing a knit sweater that was rather shapeless but that was how Hange liked to dress regardless. They didn’t want to accentuate their chest and hips that they felt were too feminine for their tastes. 

“Hey,” he greeted. 

“Long day?” They questioned. 

“Oh boy,” Mandy jumped in. “They had an office party yesterday we suspect given the cake they left out.” 

“A birthday, maybe?” Levi wondered aloud. “Either way, they left everything out. Which is fine – he knew I was coming – but I just worry about bugs.” 

“Pest and insect control is the city is great,” reassured Mandy, what she’d told him when he brought it up. “You have to keep things nasty for a long time in, like, summer and even then, you’ll probably end up with flies.” 

Levi thought flies were revolting within themselves and shuddered delicately. “Cold?” Erwin asked, seeing him. 

Levi was torn. He could say no – because he wasn’t – or he could say yes and accept that he was improperly dressed. Coming to the deli modestly dressed wasn’t defeat, was it? It felt more like a compromise. 

“A bit.” 

Martin hummed, as if amused and Erwin shared a chuckle with him – at Levi’s expense – and he took off his sweater, bringing it to Levi. Now he was wearing a short sleeved shirt but that was fine because so was Moblit, Pryce, Martin, and a newer Dom, Sebastian. Levi’s face burned with unjust shame as he put on the too large sweater. He had to roll up his sleeves and he knew he’d look ridiculous on the walk home, like some teenage girl drowning in her boyfriend’s clothes. It wasn’t the look he wanted for himself, especially when he was starting to recognize faces on the street. The newspaper guy on the corner always said hello to him and marveled at him carrying his duffel bag every single time he saw him. Levi had told him that it was just cleaning supplies but he liked to tease it was other things each time. 

Erwin seemed rather smug when they left and it rubbed Levi the wrong way. “I told you,” was all he said when Levi took off the sweater at home, tossing it in the hamper. 

“No you didn’t.” The coldness was undermined by him accepting the sweater. “It’s stupid, Erwin. It’s… oppressive.” 

“It’s decency,” Erwin countered. “Didn’t you feel better? You weren’t shrinking down so much after you were wearing it. I think you were more comfortable covered up.” 

The worst part was that he was right. But it had nothing to do with covering up and everything to do with the crowd they were a part of. “It’s where we were.” 

“Imagine that,” Erwin mused. “Like I told you.” 

“You didn’t tell me they’d look down on me.” Levi was a touch hurt about that, that he’d let Levi be scorned. 

“I didn’t think you'd be receptive,” Erwin replied. “After all, you always tell me you don’t care what others have to say about you.” 

“It’s different when… It’s them.” 

“Our friends?” 

“Your friends.” 

“Don’t be like that, sweet boy. Come here.” Levi shuffled over and begrudgingly let himself be cuddled up in his Dominant’s arms. “I want what’s best for you – and that involves you showing your best self.” 

“And arms are indecent.” He hoped Erwin heard how it sounded. 

“They are.” He didn’t. “How about we make a deal – you can wear short sleeves in the summer – when you’re working. I get it, it gets hot.” He said it indulgently, like Levi was meant to tolerate the discomfort. Because of course he was – that’s what he’d been trained to do since he was a child. “But outside of work… You could dress properly. Deal?” 

Levi supposed he could work with that. “I guess.” 

“Ah ah ah, I want to hear you agree.” 

“It’s a deal,” he confirmed, almost adding sir but catching himself last minute. 

“Good boy.” Erwin kissed him on the forehead. “See, compromise can work just fine to please both parties.” 

“I guess.” Levi was still full from his sandwich so he made a night cup of tea while Erwin flicked through channels restlessly before he found a program that interested him. 

“Sweetheart?” 

“Hm?” 

“Warm me?” 

Levi hated warming. He thought it was demeaning to sit with a cock in his mouth. But he’d never declined before and he wasn’t sure he was ready to have the conversation. But, he had to. It was either that or kneeling with a dick in his mouth for an unknown amount of time. He was sure there was some closeness benefit for it, supposedly mixing with the natural benefits of kneeling making it mutually beneficial. But… Levi wasn’t sold. He hadn’t touched on the topic with his therapist – he’d barely started discussing his sex life, much less specific acts. 

“Oh, uhm,” Levi hedged and Erwin looked at him, seemingly confused. Though, typically, Levi readily agreed and went to his knees. Erwin didn’t ask often at all which made him feel even worse for declining. He crossed his arms across his chest. “No… thank you.” 

“No?” Erwin repeated, like he’d never heard the word before despite Levi saying it increasingly frequently.

“No,” Levi repeated. “I would rather… not.” 

“But – ” Erwin wanted to protest but he also seemed very uncertain. “Is there something wrong?” 

“No. I just… don’t want to.” 

“You don’t want to.” 

“Yes?” He needed to sound certain. “Uhm, yes. I don’t want to. I’m sorry.” 

He shouldn’t have apologized but he couldn’t fight the urge to do so. “Oh.” This felt awkward. “Uh, okay.” 

“But I’d love to sit with you?” Levi wouldn’t mind that. He’d happily curl up against Erwin’s side. 

“Okay,” said Erwin, the discomfort remaining between them. 

It felt like progress however as Levi settled and Erwin pressed him against his side. Erwin’s hand was resting on his waist, thumb brushing against his hipbone. Levi enjoyed the warmth and the closeness without feeling like he was being reduced to a sex object. 

They sat together all evening and Erwin didn’t ask again. Maybe he didn’t have to use that word. Maybe, if he could say no to this, he could say no to intimacy, too. It felt less impossible, a huge hurtle accomplished unexpectedly. 

“Ready for bed?” Erwin asked, giving his side a squeeze. 

“Mm.” Levi’s eyelids were going heavy. 

They’d both showered before the deli so they just had to wash their faces and brush their teeth before they got in bed. Levi laid across Erwin’s chest, listening to the comforting thud of his heart. 

“Is everything okay?” 

“Hm?” Levi was half asleep but roused by Erwn’s troubled tone. 

“You’re angry with me.” It wasn’t a question. 

“I’m not,” Levi insisted, waking up more to focus. He lifted his head and looked down through the shadowy gloom, not quite darkness because of the street lights outside the windows that even the black out curtains couldn’t quite muffle. 

“Then why did you refuse me?” He seemed genuinely confused and Levi’s stomach tightened. He’d hoped Erwin would simply accept it as a fact that Levi might refuse advances and move on. But that was too much to wish for, to hope for. 

“I just… didn’t want to.” It felt selfish, now he said it out loud. But his wants mattered too, something he was still wrapping his head around but steadfastly believed. “I will give my…” Just say the word. “Consent,” he paused, as if waiting for Erwin to interrupt and then carried on. “When I want to. Not when… Not just when you want me to.” 

Erwin laid there in silence. Maybe a furious silence, maybe a stunned one. But there was something there. 

“But you’re my submissive.” He sounded confused still. “I don’t… You submit to me.” 

“I do.” Levi agreed. “But… As a choice.” 

“Of course it’s a choice, you made the choice to sign the Contract giving me your consent.” 

“That’s… that’s not how consent works, I guess.” 

“You guess?” 

“Well,” Levi sat up slightly, thinking having this conversation while laying in the man’s arms was too hard. “I think that Americans kind of… skewed the idea. To further… To keep power over subs.” 

“Do I not make it enjoyable for you?” 

“You do,” Levi said, mentally tacking on usually, when thinking about certain nights. “It’s just… Sometimes I just don’t want to.” 

“We all do things we don’t want to do,” Erwin reminded him. 

“Yeah, but us… doing that is different. I want it to be, um, special. Not another chore.” He regretted the wording. 

“You think your service to me is a chore?” 

“No. Uh, sometimes.” Levi should be honest now. It was easier in the dark. 

“And this has nothing to do with you feeling insecure?” Erwin asked flatly. 

Levi was taken aback by the tone and the question. “Well it doesn’t help that you remind me.” His voice was a hiss but he caught himself with a deep breath. “Sorry. Maybe. Maybe that’s part of it. But either way, I should have a say in when we’re intimate. And… and I guess I wish it was different.” 

Erwin shifted into a sitting position, turning on the lamp, shedding light on the uncomfortable topic. Levi looked away from the look on Erwin’s face. He was both upset and hurt and Levi regretted adding the last bit even knowing the conversation needed to happen. 

“You never had any complaints before.” 

“Well… I… We didn’t know any differently. It’s not your fault.” Erwin gave a stiff nod, inviting him to continue. “I want things to be… more equal.” 

“And by that you mean…” 

“Maybe we can have… the kind of intimacy we’re familiar with some of the time but other times it could be a bit… looser.” 

“I don’t follow.” 

“I want to be able to touch you when I want to.” Levi forced out, pained. “I want to… not kneel and to… release when I want.” 

“Any other requests?” Erwin said, looking deeply disturbed. “I don’t know that I like you’ve thought so much about this.” 

“What? I’m allowed to think about whatever I want.” Levi closed his eyes and gathered all his patience. “Erwin, I’m telling you – from now on, it’s a mutual decision to have sex.” 

“You’re quite comfortable telling me what to do,” Erwin grouched. 

“It’s how normal relationships are,” Levi said, voice pleading. 

“Here. Not where we come from,” Erwin corrected. 

“But we’re here now, aren’t we?” Levi pressed and Erwin’s resolve trembled every so slightly, a waver in his gaze. Levi kept pressing. “We’re ready – and willing – to compromise on everything else. Can’t this be another thing?” 

“This is…” What separates us most, Levi wanted to finish for him but he didn’t. “This is asking a lot, Levi.” 

“Compromise,” he reminded him, parroting Erwin’s insistence. “Sometimes we’ll have intimacy the traditional way and sometimes we’ll try to equal things out.” 

Erwin groaned to himself. “Fine,” he said. “Fine. We’ll try it. But if I can’t stand it – this new stuff you want to try – we can remain doing it our way? With… with your consent, of course.” 

“And no comments about my body,” Levi threw in, feeling brave. 

“Hard,” Erwin said. “But not impossible.” 

“Then it’s a deal.” Levi felt a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. 

“I suppose it is,” sighed Erwin, seeming troubled by it but not put off by it. “I have to say it’s… shocking to have this conversation so abruptly. Though, I suppose you did warn me with your refusal earlier… So, why did you decline giving your… consent? So I know for next time.” 

“I think just knowing I needed to have this conversation was weighing on me,” Levi confessed, the late hour making him feel more open. “Things have felt weird for a while.” 

“I noticed you were in your head a lot.” Erwin frowned and brushed his hair behind his ear. “We’re… okay right? I never wanted you to feel like you had to do something you didn’t want to do. I just assumed since I wanted to, you’d want to. To…” 

“Please you?” Levi asked with a bitter little smile. Erwin looked disturbed by the realization. “It’s okay, eyebrows. I’ve never felt… forced. Maybe resigned a few times when I was tired but I always felt safe.” 

Erwin hugged him tightly. “Thank you for telling me,” he said, surprising him. “I know it wasn’t easy. And I know I’m far from a perfect Dom – and even further from a perfect partner. So thanks for hanging in there with me.” 

“We’re going to be okay,” Levi said, nuzzling muzzily into bare chest. 

“Did you have concerns about that?” Erwin sounded rightfully alarmed. 

“No,” Levi said. 

“Good. Because I can’t imagine life without you.” 

“You’ll never have to,” Levi promised.

Notes:

the next chapter will be posted tomorrow morning (hopefully at a normal time but let's not hold our breath)

Chapter 6: s i x

Summary:

levi and erwin have an unwelcome interaction at the cafe, levi explores leading things in the bedroom

Notes:

keepin up with 5am updates apparently lol. what is sleep? who needs it? not i.

thank you thank you thank you for the lovely supportive and kind comments and kudos i've gotten about this fic! you've all made posting this bday fic a whole lot of fun! so sad there's only one chapter left :( but pls enjoy this chapter and i'd love to hear your thoughts~

The next morning things felt immensely better, even with the lingering scorn from the deli. 

He made Erwin breakfast and prepared his lunch because had all online classwork today, no classroom hours. He’d be done by lunch and Levi would be home around two. Levi packed his own meal, dressed in a way that made Erwin hum his approval, smoothing his hair a bit obsessively when Levi had already combed it. 

“Text me, please?” Erwin requested at the door. 

“Of course,” confirmed Levi. 

He met up with Mandy and her matcha latte. She was vibrating with excitement, however and Levi quickly regretted asking her why. “The second Beloved book is coming out today,” she said. “I’m going right after work to pick up my reserved copy.” 

“Oh.” Levi forced a smile, feeling the vibration of the bus frame through his small body. “Well, I hope you enjoy it.” 

“You really don't like it?” she asked, a touch callous given the material. 

“Well… I – we did leave there for a reason,” Levi said lightly. 

“Right,” she said haughtily. “Right, of course. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Levi said quickly and he dug deep for something to say to smooth things over. Maybe it was fawning but he couldn’t help it. “I mean I’m sure there’s some things I would find… familiar about it.” 

God, he felt like such a sellout saying those words. “I think so too,” she agreed. “I have the first book if you want to read it?” 

“I can borrow it,” said Levi. “Thank you, though.” 

“Mmhm.” She sipped her latte, still looking tired but thrilled. 

Levi wished he could get as excited about oppression as this crowd did. Mandy watched short videos on social media speculating about the book’s plot through lunch while Levi alternated between texting Erwin and Clarissa. He got to hear that since she’d chosen Beau (as if the choice wouldn’t belong to her father and go to whomever would bid the highest sub-price), the other Dominant was trying to entice her and some people were creating replicas of the collar on the cover. Levi caught Mandy touching her throat a few times, a far off dreamy look in her eye. It made Levi angry, unnecessarily so, even though he told himself it was an overreaction, that it was just people who hadn’t a clue what true oppression tasted like lusting after something they didn’t understand. 

Levi had to shove up his long sleeves as he started overheating, deep cleaning a Dominant’s bathroom shower tiles. Mandy was tackling the deep clean of the kitchen. When he went home, Erwin met him at the door. Levi shied away from a kiss, feeling sticky and hot from the unusually warm day. It was in the eighties and made being in pants and a long sleeved shirt uncomfortable. Mandy had worn capris today and Levi wondered if Erwin would object to such a thing on himself. He knew, likely, he’d deem showing his ankles to ‘be too much’ and Levi was clinging desperately to the feeling of success and progress they’d made last night. 

“How was your day?” Erwin followed him to the bathroom where he started the shower. 

“Fine, I’m going to shower,” he said, a quiet request for Erwin to give him space. 

The Dom seemed slightly disappointed – still adjusting to sitting home alone apparently – but gave him the requested space. Levi showered, wrapped the towel under his arms and changed into presentable but technically lounge-wear. Soft sweatpants and a blessedly short sleeved shirt. Erwin was on the couch, on his laptop, and Levi made himself some tea and cut up an apple that he ate at the kitchen table before he started on apartment chores. 

He finished around four, when Erwin was getting truly restless, and he suggested they go to the cafe for some iced drinks. Levi wasn’t keen on going back into the heat but Erwin was looking cooped up and restless so he changed again, back into long sleeves and pants. The second they were back on the street Levi was tempted to shove the sleeves up to his elbows. But he didn’t. He held Erwin’s hand and accompanied him for the warm, fifteen minute walk to the cafe. 

It was rather busy, people getting their afternoon caffeine and iced drinks fixes, so they got in line and Erwin pulled out his phone, telling Levi to look at the menu. Levi wanted something iced today and his eyes roamed the chalkboard menu on the wall, with a large digital screen between it that had all the menu without the fun fonts and extra illustrations. It was meant to be more accessible, Levi thought, and he appreciated it a lot in his early days. All the colors and the squiggly cursive letters made it hard to understand before he adjusted. Plus, they often wrote the drinks in French as well under it and that cluttered up his vision. 

Someone bumped into Levi, a hand falling on his shoulder to steady him. 

“Easy there,” the person, a Dom, chuckled. 

“I’m sorry sir,” he said instantly, a gut reaction and Erwin tugged him closer to him in response to someone he didn’t know touching Levi. 

“Excuse us,” Erwin said shortly. 

“You’re excused,” the Dominant said, voice a touch playful. It put Levi on edge and he wasn’t certain why. “Hot one today, hm?” 

“Yes, it’s warm.” Erwin said shortly, a slightly impolite way to tell him to move along. 

“I wasn’t talking to you, bud,” the guy responded, unbothered. 

Erwin’s hold on his shoulder tightened punishingly though Levi knew it wasn’t directed at him. Levi’s tongue felt heavy as he stammered, “uhm, yes, it’s warm today,” because in America it was expected he would answer when a Dominant spoke to him.  

“You’re local around here?” he sipped his coffee, hot despite the weather. 

He was tall, broad, a painfully generic Dominant but dressed in pants that Erwin would find far too tight and far too gaudy, a shade of a maroon. He had sunglasses folded onto the collar of a well-fitted tee that accentuated his muscle mass. He’d be a formidable foe to Erwin and that was a heady feeling – he always thought they didn’t make Doms quite like they did in America. Of course, where Erwin was blue eyed and blond, this Dom was dark haired and even dark eyed as he seemed to feast on Levi with a hungry gaze. 

“Don’t talk to my sub,.” Erwin interjected. 

“Pfft – he can make his own choices, can’t you?” The man reached out and Levi shied away from him trying to lift his chin. “You can look at me – I’m not an asshole.” 

“I told you not to talk to him.” Erwin’s tone was harsh, cold, angrier than Levi had ever heard. 

“Erwin,” Levi said quietly, the feeling of his fingers pressing into his shoulder moving quickly towards bruising. He tried to shrug away but it made the Dom clamp down even tighter. Levi’s face pinched slightly in pain and he felt like things were careening out of control. 

The new Dom drew himself up. “I think you’re hurting him.” 

“He’s fine.” Levi was half pulled half dragged to the other side of Erwin and the Dominant snorted. 

“You’re not from around here, are you pal?” The Dominant prowled slightly closer to the other Dom, taking in Erwin who didn’t back down in the slightest. “American, I bet. Funny – I thought the Americans loved to share submissives.” 

“Get the fuck away from me and my sub,” Erwin demanded quite plainly and a Dom behind them said, “alright man, easy,” sounding nervous but more than that disapproving.  

Levi was nervous. He felt like he was on the verge of hyperventilation, feeling eyes on him – on them.  

The Dominant locked eyes with Erwin and Levi thought that he was challenging him, seeing how far he could push the volatile American Dominant. Levi peered through the fringe of his hair, horrified, pallid, trembling slightly with narrowly contained pain from the vice-like grip on his shoulder and nerves from Erwin being so openly unhappy. 

“Break it up,” the guy behind them said again, a touch more firmly. “Move on man, you’ve got your drink.” 

“But maybe I want more than that,” he said, tone mocking, aware it would do nothing but infuriate Erwin more. 

Erwin let out a warning sound of frustration, grip practically unbearable and Levi tried to slip out of it but Erwin held him too tightly, too securely. He shifted in place, in discomfort, in pain, in nervousness. This wasn’t what he’d wanted for this afternoon. And getting asked not to return would be humiliating. 

“Move. On.” Erwin echoed the man. 

“Or what?” The Dominant stepped forward. “I’ve never been afraid to put hands on fucking fascist. I bet your sub would love the liberation of a liberal cock for once.” Levi’s eyes widened at the crassness, at the insult towards both of them. “What do you say, sweetheart?” 

“I’ll give you one more warning,” Erwin gritted out. 

The couple in front of them was watching. A slightly too tall sub (by American standards) and a lanky bearded Dominant who looked like he wanted to intervene but was aware he wouldn’t stand a chance against either. Though Levi wasn’t certain who they deemed to be the aggressor. Fascist was quite the accusation in this country, bordering a country with such heinous crimes against its own population. 

Levi glanced towards the counter, aware the barista was a submissive and could do nothing, but the person who made the bagels was a Dominant. Young, but large, and he was watching as he cut open a bagel, looking uncertain if he needed to get involved or not. The barista was stiffly helping the person at the counter who seemed openly uncomfortable with the tension in the space. It didn’t match the bubbly music playing through invisible speakers in the cafe. 

“Funny – I thought Americans only put their hands on subs.” 

“You’d be surprised,” Erwin said, tone steely. “And I really don’t think you want to find out.” 

The Dominant lingered a moment, imposing his presence, daring Erwin to do something stupid. Levi knew he should speak up, should provide some support and remind Erwin that it wasn’t worth it. But Erwin was a full grown (mostly) rational man. He wouldn’t do something to spoil his chances at teaching again. 

“Fine,” the Dominant said, body going lax from its rigid stance, squaring up with Erwin who stood his ground with an unwavering look that would have struck fear in the hearts of any sane person. “Fine. Have a good day, fucking Yankee.” 

Erwin didn’t rise to the insult, simply turned his body as if ignoring him. The Dom left and Erwin didn’t let go immediately. Levi’s face burned in the silence, feeling like he was the center focus though eyes were mostly on Erwin with wariness, like they’d expected him to react violently. He easily could have – it was incredibly disrespectful to do what the Dom had done in America and this was Erwin’s first experience in such. Levi tried to shift out of his reach, the pain radiating into his collar bone and down his bicep. 

Erwin clued into his force all at once and quickly wrenched open his hand. Levi half lifted his arm to massage the area but thought better of it, letting his hand fall by his side, a carefully trimmed thumbnail pressed into the pad of his index finger and he stared at his feet, talking slowly starting up around them again. Erwin didn’t say a word and Levi worried he blamed him. 

“You good, man?” the Dom behind asked Erwin. 

“Fine.” Erwin didn’t sound fine but he didn’t sound like he wanted to be harassed about the situation either. 

The stranger gave him space and their turn came. Erwin didn’t give Levi a chance to say what he wanted, ordering him a pomegranate acai refresher with oatmilk and cold foam for him. The barista was polite but slightly stand offish, sensing something was wrong. Erwin paid with his phone, the process much faster than in America. He barely had to hover his phone by the tablet for the transaction to go through. Erwin gripped Levi’s wrist, guiding him off to the side to wait for their drinks with the small group of waiting patrons who eyed Erwin like a dangerous beast prowling free. 

Levi wondered if they thought he was a fascist, too, simply because he was from America. He thought he should say something but it felt inappropriate to. Like he’d caused enough trouble as it was so the best thing he could do was keep quiet. Their drinks came and Erwin gave a stiff, “thanks,” to the Dom who set down the cups, a new crowd formed around them at this point, everyone ahead of them escaping the uncomfortable atmosphere that Levi had created. 

Erwin held his wrist, not his hand, leading him from the cafe. Once they were on the street, Erwin let out a furious huff, long contained, and lacking his typical composure. 

“I’m sorry,” Levi squeaked. His shoulder ached and he didn’t blame Erwin for not minding his strength but it would make cleaning tomorrow and moving his arm today a pain. 

Erwin didn’t speak immediately, still taking deep measured breaths. “I’m very angry right now,” he said, Levi somewhat pleased he was expressing his emotions. “But not at you, sweet boy. Let’s just walk quietly home for now, okay?” 

He didn’t wait for him to agree, still leading him by his wrist. Levi didn’t get a chance to sample his drink until he was home. Erwin’s strides were long and hurried leaving Levi all but stumbling in his wake, trying to keep up. The cold foam was almost completely blended into the drink that was clumping up slightly when Erwin opened the door of the building and gestured for him to go in first. Levi did so, grateful not to be pulled any longer, and hurried back into the apartment. 

Erwin closed the door and heaved a deep breath. 

“I could have killed him,” he said simply as Levi hurriedly took off his shoes, like the sooner he was undressed from this outing, the further he was from it. 

“Don’t say that,” Levi said immediately. 

“You’re right – I should have killed him,” he corrected. 

“And what would happen to me while you were locked away?” Levi asked flatly, unimpressed by the posturing. Granted, he thought it was probably warranted if not an extreme reaction. “He was out of line.” 

“Out of line? He was disrespectful,” corrected Erwin, tone deep with displeasure. “Calling me a fascist?” He was muttering to himself as he went to the couch, sitting heavily and rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Do you see? Do you see why I was so reluctant to come here? There’s no respect. Not for me and not for you – what right did he have to speak to you like that?” 

“He didn’t have any right. But you don’t think subs get harassed in America?” But they didn’t, not quite like that. The control was more methodical, the insult deeper. “Don’t blame this place for – ” 

“The culture it breeds?” Erwin demanded. “The society it creates? Who else to blame but the location?” 

Levi didn’t know how to argue so he tried to soothe instead, laying a hesitant hand on Erwin’s chest that he brushed off, going deeper into the apartment. Levi swirled his drink into one cohesive mix once again, put off by the clumping grainy texture but pleased ultimately by how easily it smoothed back out. Erwin was pacing, looking like he wanted to go back out on the street and track the guy down. 

“Don’t you think this is kind of an overreaction?” Levi suggested. 

“You don’t understand,” Erwin said dismissively. “It wasn’t as insulting for you.” 

Levi disagreed with that. The Dominant had mentioned his genitalia and mentioned Levi liking it. The humiliation of it still lingered, feeling like he was reduced down to his dynamic and a sex object far more than he’d experienced thus far. But Levi didn’t argue, he let Erwin stew and seethe while he sampled his drink. He didn’t mind it, though it was a touch sweet for him, especially with the added cold foam. 

“Do you see now why you must cover up?” Erwin demanded, turning to look at him. Levi felt frozen, caught with a bit of cold foam on his lip. “The Dominants here don’t respect when a sub belongs to another. They will tempt you.” 

“You think that was tempting?” Levi asked, going to the kitchen to wipe away the cream. He wasn’t a fan of it for this reason alone. Clarissa used her sleeve or her tongue but his sleeve felt disgusting and his tongue felt lewd to Levi. Or it seemed to him, from a country where subs kept their tongues in their mouths. “Calm down, okay? It’s done. It’s over.” 

“Is it? Because now that establishment has heard slander against me.” Levi thought that was a bit extreme. “Being called a fascist is no small accusation in this country.” 

“No one was on his side,” Levi reminded him. At least, he didn’t think they were. No one had hastened to Erwin’s defense but that may have been just strangers being that – strangers. “He was just trying to make you angry. And you’re letting him win.” 

Levi rarely was the voice of reason in their relationship in America. In some ways, it felt like roles had reversed between them. Erwin sat heavily on the couch and Levi quickly took his place beside him. Erwin didn’t touch him immediately, kneading the bridge of his nose as he settled. 

“You’re right,” he said. “You’re right.” 

“I am,” Levi agreed, pressing closer, unconsciously seeking reassurance his Dom wasn’t angry with him.  

Erwin put his arm around him, hand on his waist. “You’re okay?” he verified. 

“Fine,” Levi reassured him. He was a touch shaken, surely, very embarrassed, yes. But certainly okay. “The drink is good.” 

Erwin snorted, a touch bitterly. “Mmhm,” he said. “Glad you’re enjoying it.” 

He turned on the television, settling on a daytime drama they watched with passive interest until, like all movies seemed to, there came an intimacy scene. As he started to unbutton her blouse – the top three buttons already undone as part of the style, showing her ample breasts, either very well-endowed or plastic surgery which wasn’t seen often in America for submissive actresses. Levi looked down at his drink, listening to sweet words and heavy breathing that wouldn’t have at all flown on cable television in America. 

Erwin shifted with discomfort then said, “is… this what you want?” 

Levi looked up instinctively, cheeks already aflame with color as he focused on the screen. In painfully high definition they were watching the female sub (Levi was slightly insulted to be labeled the female but he supposed she was the submissive partner in the relationship) as she kissed the Dom’s throat hungrily, somehow not leaving smears of her Scarlet A lipstick on the vaguely ethnic looking Dom’s bare best. She was taking the initiative and as her lips neared his nipple, Levi looked away, shocked that they would allow such a graphic thing on television. 

“Oh. Um.” His wire felt crossed. “I… I guess, maybe?” 

“Maybe?” Erwin said, tone full of his down discomfort. “And I’m to stand there and you… touch me?” 

“Oh, God, Erwin, I can’t talk about this with that on,” Levi groaned, turning his burning face from the screen completely, as though it would silence the open mouth kisses that seemed amplified with the hot and heavy pants the couple were making. What this had to do with her failing self-owned bakery because of corporate developments in the area, Levi couldn’t remember. 

“Well, you’re the one who wants to do something like this,” Erwin accused, turning off the television. 

Levi didn’t let himself get riled up, sipping his drink like it would cool the red in his cheeks. “Doing it yourself is different from watching strangers do it.” 

Levi knew they were prudes compared to the rest of the country, something very few could understand. He had flipped through a few chapters of the book, scanning a few paragraphs before moving on, and he’d been startled to find a rather graphic scene of the main character, Beloved, fantasizing gifting her Dominant her virginity. Levi knew it was fiction but the way she touched him in the book, even in her mind, felt off from how his own relationship was. It made him wonder if that was Erwin’s own preferences or if it was the standard in America. It wasn’t like subs discussed matters of intimacy. For Levi, it was part privacy and part shame, aware he was judged by the sex acts he engaged in. Erwin could be more than what he did in the bedroom but for Levi, that came first.  There was the chance that female submissives might gossip about such things but Levi could only imagine it being frowned upon and immensely personal. It wasn’t as though he could ask Hange – he’d be mortified to even mention the topic to them and invade their privacy like that. 

But he couldn’t imagine the proper and traditionalist subs at the deli reaching such… trite. The language was flowery but it was all very graphic. Levi may have read the whole thing, terrified of Erwin looking over and seeing but caught in some strange trance of shock and awe as he read such explicit material that was published and so widely available. Levi knew that there’d be plenty more of it in the coming book and while he was certain he didn’t want to read it, he might skim it. Just to see more discrepancies. He’d initially gone in to read more about the rental submissive but he never caught her name and actually reading it felt like too much. 

“So what are you after then?” Erwin asked. 

Levi assumed, worked up as he’d been, he was full of energy he wanted to expel. And lately extra energy has been funneled into sex. But now they’d discussed consent and made their deal, he was testing the waters. Levi was so pleased to make progress, he could excuse the frankly terribly timing and slightly icky feeling he still had from the stranger’s comments. 

“I’m not after anything. I just… Maybe I could initiate once in a while?” It was said like a question, a request, because he wanted Erwin’s consent too. 

“Hm,” considered Erwin, hands steepled, deep in thought. “I suppose we could try that.” He looked at Levi with a painfully familiar awkward smile. It was a smile of inexperience, of an apology before the fact because he thought he’d be bad at it. Levi thought it was awfully charming and more than that, human, which appreciated. “I’m open to any advances you might want to… make?” 

Levi laughed and Erwin’s smile widened slightly, finding amusement in himself. 

“Thank you,” Levi said and he leaned in and kissed his cheek bravely. “Um… Maybe I can surprise you? Later?” 

“Oh.” This was new for them, Erwin not being the one to make the choice first. “Alright. So I’ll just… Watch TV now, I guess.” 

“Maybe something else,” Levi suggested. 

“Yes,” agreed Erwin. “Something a bit less… shocking.” 

He turned on the TV, in the short time they’d been speaking the Dominant had taken control again and through the outline of the blanket Levi could see her legs hoisted up on her hip. The cries they made were all too real and Erwin hastily changed the channel muttering, “goodness, they put anything on TV here,” as he found something safer (read: educational) he could watch. 

Levi didn’t mind the focus on the Egyptian Pyramids. He’d always thought they were interesting but knew very little about them. He remembered someone saying it was aliens who built them but that was swiftly disproven by their teacher at the time who said that was nonsense. She’d corrected them but Levi was too busy daydreaming about being beamed up into a spaceship to listen. In space with an alien race, surely it wouldn’t matter if he was a submissive. 

Interestingly, they touched on that theory but as Levi was standing to start dinner. Apparently it was a common Western (American) myth with its bases in ages old (sometimes unintentional) racism. A belief that the Egyptian race was simply not smart enough to have engineered such stunning architecture. The truth was that it was built for very long periods of time, by a mixture of conscripted and well-paid workers. They were showing historical documents when Levi left the living room and started dinner. 

He made a meatloaf, tempted to use gloves but unwilling to go through the process of washing all the meat muck off of them for recycling so he just used his hands. He tried to think of how he might approach Erwin – what he might do – while he ignored the cold squishy meat in his hands as he combined the ground chuck, the ground pork, breadcrumbs, egg yolks (the whites he’d use in the morning), seasoning, worcester sauce, and grated onion together. 

He formed the sticky mass into a loaf pan, lined with biodegradable foil for an easier clean up, and washed his hands, then stuck it in the oven while he peeled and boiled potatoes and made the glaze. All the while, he thought of a thousand ways to approach Erwin. None of them felt right because of one little hang up: he was approaching Erwin, when all his previous experiences told him it was the other way around. 

Expecting a perfect coupling the first time they tried something new was surely asking for too much. But Levi feared it being a disaster. 

He had extra time so he made himself some tea, feeling shy to face Erwin with such time constraints, and sat at the table after fetching his phone. Erwin didn’t seem to notice, focused intently on the programming, learning for the sake of learning. It was remarkable really, how hungry his mind was. Levi wished he had such a drive but it had been stunted too soon. Now it no longer felt like his place, a feeling he’d hoped would go away when he came here. It hadn’t. 

One of his biggest desires, beyond freedom, was to feel normal. To finally have a mind aligned with the common public. But that hadn’t happened and he couldn’t help but feel slightly cheated by that. 

He mashed the potatoes, hesitating when it came time to add the milk and butter. He decided to compromise and, as he was taught by Mr. Weaver’s sub, an economical person, used the potato water. He mashed the potatoes, added the glaze to the meatloaf and then let it finish baking. When it was done, he set the table, plating meatloaf slices and filling a small serving bowl with potatoes. They didn’t have the same variety of serving dishes Levi had collected over the years, partly as well-meant gifts and things Levi saw while shopping he simply wanted for the rare times they entertained, aware it was tacky to use the same dishes over and over again. 

Levi fetched Erwin and got him a beer at his request, pouring himself a glass of water. They chatted about upcoming holiday plans, Erwin mentioning he’d have to see what they could afford to spend for the holidays. He suggested sharing a Thanksgiving meal with Moblit and Hange on the “real” (American) Thanksgiving date. Levi could understand a history buff like Erwin being attached to the holiday that was so ingrained in the history of his home country. He agreed happily and Erwin had apparently been banking on that as he’d already made the arrangements with Moblit. Levi and Hange would work together to prepare the meal. It was easier than doing it independently, surely, but Levi was tempted to ask what they would be doing. There would be no American Football to watch. But he didn’t want to spoil the mood he hoped to make tonight, feeling brave. 

But, brave as he was, he was anxious and could barely eat, only having half of his portion. Erwin tried to press him to eat more but he declined, blaming it on a late lunch. Erwin frowned but let up pressure and when Erwin was finished, Levi cleaned up the kitchen. Then he slipped off to prepare himself for approaching Erwin. He ended up uncertain on what he should do, standing in the bedroom wondering for a second if he was meant to dress in a way to entice the Dominant. 

The idea was thrilling, if not a bit forbidden, and a bit too soon, so he settled for putting on one of Erwin’s loose, well-worn sleeping shirts. It hung around his frame and Levi felt slightly dwarfed by it. And, in a daring turn of events, he left no pants beneath though he was wearing undergarments. He edged around the bedroom doorway, half expecting Erwin to be there, to know somehow. But he wasn’t there. He was on the couch, on his phone, looking rather bored. The program had concluded and now commercials played. 

Levi edged more into the living room. While he’d slept like this, he’d never stepped outside of the bedroom dressed this way. It felt almost indecent if Clarissa didn’t casually mention her neighbor accidentally seeing her walking around in her underwear while she was eating ice cream one afternoon. Levi thought he’d simply pass away of embarrassment but she seemed amused by it and apparently so was a tenant in the the neighboring building (a very old man but kind to a fault apparently) who made a theatrical show of covering his eyes, waving, and hobbling away while she hastily closed the curtains, waving apologetically in return. 

But Erwin didn’t notice and Levi was looking nervously at the window. Now, the shirt went almost to his knee so he was well covered and they wouldn’t know he wasn’t just wearing shorts on the shorter side. But Levi knew and that was enough. 

He couldn’t stand to stay there any longer standing like that and walked behind the couch. He wasn’t trying to be sneaky but he’d been trained to walk on silent feet so the Dominant didn’t notice. Levi carefully rested a light hand on Erwin’s shoulder. The Dom tilted his head up, looking uncertain. The touch was non-offensive enough, though his no touching without permission had bled somewhat into their daily life as well. Levi moved the hand down, over his chest. 

He’d gotten the chance to explore Erwin’s upper body somewhat when Erwin was in college, before Erwin decided that touching was a privilege, over his shirt but he knew his body like the back of his hand during those years. But he’d matured, filled out with muscle that felt nice under Levi’s hand. Erwin’s chest stilled slightly, like he wanted to stop him, but then he inhaled and waited for Levi’s paused hand to continue. For a few seconds, Levi just felt the man, a bit disheartened to know that this was the first time in a long time that he’d been free to do so. 

“Do you want to go to the bedroom?” Erwin requested quietly. 

Right, this certainly wasn’t the place for such things. Levi gave an unusually decisive sort of nod and rounded the couch, offering his hand in a way he hoped came off teasing and tempting, like he saw on television, like how he imagined was normal. Erwin’s eyes darkened, and not quite with lust but disapproval. 

“Levi, you cannot be dressed like that and out and about,” he warned. “To the bedroom, now.” 

Levi pouted but did feel a bit indecent as he scurried back to the safety of the bedroom. Erwin eyed him with reproach, like he may do something rash and unusual. Well, more unusual than he was prepared for which Levi had apparently surpassed in his admittedly poorly thought out surprise. 

“I thought…” His cheeks burned as he tried to defend himself. “I thought it would be like what we see on the television?” 

“That’s not the kind of submissive you are,” Erwin said haughtily. 

Levi was tempted to argue as he said, “I… I disagree,” he said. “I think I can be any kind of sub I want to be.” 

It was said weakly, with no conviction whatsoever and Erwin looked further uneasy about the attempt. Levi stepped forward, hands up and resting on his chest again, trying to soothe the ice from the Dominant. 

“I love you,” he murmured softly, feeling awkward speaking so much during intimacy. 

Typically all he did was confirm with honorifics and beg. A bit pathetic, now he thought about it. Or at least, unfulfilling. Though occasionally they would talk more but it was rare. 

“Mmhm,” Erwin said stiffly, looking like he was aching to order an end to him leading this. The tension suggested he was fighting the urge to grip his wrists. 

Levi dropped his hands to toy with the hem of Erwin’s shirt. He let his fingers brush under the fabric, perhaps a bit lower than intended, finger brushing through the soft hair that disappeared into this underwear band as Erwin stepped back, looking so uncomfortable Levi couldn’t continue. 

“I’m sorry.” It was embarrassing, failing. “We can… How do you want me, sir?” 

The tension faded of Erwin but he didn’t order him to his knees. He took his hand and brought him to sit on the bed. 

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, tone heavy. “I’m sorry I’m so… It’s just not something I’ve quite wrapped my head around yet, I don’t think. I thought I was ready to try things like this but I cannot quite yet. Forgive me, honey. Give me a bit more time.” 

Levi wanted to cry, feeling defeated. In his head it might have gone poorly but not so poorly it never happened. 

“Yes,” he said in a small voice, suddenly embarrassed beyond belief by how he was dressed in comparison to how Erwin was. “Uhm, excuse me.” 

Erwin watched him as he changed into proper clothing, feeling a bit better but not by much when he was covered and less vulnerable. Levi lingered by the dresser, aching to break free of the room and his failed intentions. 

“Come talk to me,” invited Erwin. 

Levi groaned, unable to stifle his embarrassment. “Don’t make me,” he groaned. 

Erwin smiled, seeming more at ease now he was symbolically back in his rightful place – in control. He stood and Levi drew back, wincing away from the Dom who took his wrist carefully, drawing Levi towards the bed where the sub reluctantly sat. 

“Maybe we’ll make a plan for next time?” he suggested. “We can talk about what I’m okay with.” 

“Ugh, okay.” Levi was dying to bury his face in his hands but Erwin still held them. “Fine. Fine.” 

“I’ll be honest, I don’t love not… being the one in control,” Erwin began with some slight discomfort but a whole lot of determination. “But I don’t mind you approaching me and… touching me as you want. Not always, of course but… occasionally I can be okay with it.” 

Levi nodded, mortified. 

“I liked you touching my chest,” he carried on, like it pained him but was important. Because it did but it was. “Maybe we can graduate to under my shirt at some point in the near future. I think you were a little bit, uhm, bold about where you touched under my shirt to start with. It makes me fear I’ve been neglecting your needs, seeing you so… hungry.” 

“I’m not hungry,” Levi wished he hadn’t used that word. “I just… I thought it would be right. I’m sorry. I don’t really know what I’m doing.” 

“That makes two of us,” teased Erwin, likely to take the edge off his embarrassment. “But we have to figure things out, right?” 

“Right.” His tone was one of misery and Erwin brushed his hair from his downcast eyes with tenderness that did make Levi feel incrementally better. 

“Right,” echoed Erwin. “So, I think we’ll start with you touching my chest as you please right now. Okay?” 

“Okay.” 

“And maybe no more… surprises based off of what you see on TV right now,” said Erwin with a playful smile. 

“Don’t worry,” Levi said, embarrassed by his boldness. “It won’t happen again.” 

 “Maybe later,” Erwin corrected. “But I don’t know that we’re ready for that.” 

Levi was inclined to agree. Erwin hugged him which made Levi feel a lot better, admittedly, and then Erwin said, “we have some time before bed – would you like to Drop?” 

“I don’t need it,” Levi swore, aware his ‘hungry’ sexual behavior might have suggested otherwise. 

“Really? Prancing around half dressed, touching me like that…” 

“I wasn’t prancing,” Levi objected, cheeks red once more. “And really, I’m okay. I was just… I was trying to please you.” 

“It would be my pleasure to help you Drop,” Erwin replied. 

He groaned quietly in objection but Erwin lifted his chin, kissing him briefly at first and then deeper. “Sweetheart, let yourself relax,” he coaxed. “Do I have your… consent?”

Levi groaned softly again as Erwin stroked along his bare throat, tracing the bit of exposed skin around his crew neck collar. He was pleased, however, that Erwin was asking. He could say no – he was tempted to say no. But he knew that it would please Erwin, his ultimate goal today, and he said, “yes.” 

Erwin told him to stand, taking control smoothly, without the slightest inflection of discomfort. Levi was told to undress which he did, folding up all his clothes and setting them on the dresser. He hated being naked when Erwin was fully dressed but he was used to it and while it felt indecent, it didn’t feel vulnerable. 

“Good boy,” said Erwin when Levi, instinctively, folded himself into a presentation kneel while he waited to be told how Erwin wanted him. “But… how about you tell me how you want your release?” 

That wasn’t altogether unusual – sometimes Erwin gave him options. But it felt more gratuitous given their previous conversation. “Sir?” 

“No honorifics, sweetheart,” Erwin said. “But do you want my mouth? My hand? My fingers?” 

Levi’s cheeks burned, still a bit embarrassed by having to ask. “I guess…” Levi swallowed thickly. “I guess your… fingers?” 

It was the easiest way to drop, his fingers grinding hard and deep inside of him while pleasure built up to truly tremendous levels, leaving him floating and syrupy. 

“Of course,” Erwin said, standing to fetch lubricant. 

But Erwin surprised him, taking him in hand even though his body was already partially responding, thickened slightly. The tip was growing damp with prespend as the Dom stroked his length with one hand, the other slipping between his taut thighs to toy with his glans. Erwin kissed his throat while he touched him, whispering sweet but non offensive things. He talked about how beautiful his eyes were, how he fits so perfectly in his palm (a touch insulting but Levi tried to hear the praise rather than the criticism of his length), how he was so reactive for him (again, bringing the sub embarrassment that was probably undue but inescapable). 

Levi was left a whimpering, pleading mess, annoyed to find how badly he wanted Erwin’s finger inside of him when he started out not wanting it at all. Somehow the Dom had the ability to peel back his defenses, to make him drown in desire and need. 

“Please,” he panted. “Please si-Erwin.” 

“Erwin,” agreed Erwin in a husky voice. “You can and should use my name sweet thing. You’re not in trouble, you’re not submitting yourself for my pleasure – this is for you.” 

Levi’s hips bucked, greedy in a way that he thought was uncharacteristic until it came to heated moments like this. Erwin took his hand back, a smear of pre-spend on his palm that he ignored as he gripped Levi’s behind, leaving a smear of his own excretions against his skin. It felt dirty but he didn’t mind as much as he would when his subdopamine levels were lowered. The Dom pulled the sub across his lap, Levi letting out a breathless squeak of surprise and eagerness as he exposed the most intimate part of Levi. The sub’s face darkened with humiliation as he felt the cool air pressed against that part of him. 

“Hm,” murmured Erwin praisingly, the plastic click of the lube opening sounding unbearably loud in the room. The Dom drizzled it over his entrance and quickly massaged it in before applying pressure, breaching him shallowly at first to let him adjust. 

But it wasn’t enough, a single thumb didn’t satisfy the seeming chasm inside of him. He wriggled with impatience and got a warning but not quite disciplinary sway to the inside of his thigh. It didn’t feel abusive and Levi stilled, cheeks still red partially from the correction and partially from his built up arousal. An irrational thought occurred to him – the roles reversed – and he almost giggled at the sheer thought of it, so taken off guard by the idea. Erwin would never allow himself to be touched where so happily touched Levi. Society had told him it was wrong, that it was improper, and Levi didn’t doubt that Erwin had internalized his role as the Dominant party in the relationship. Levi wasn’t going to complain about something that wouldn’t change but it was quite the image in his mind, his small body hunched over Erwin’s, seeing him squirm for once… 

But there were other ways to make the Dominant squirm and he would get there eventually. They just had to take the right steps first, ease into it like frigid, unfamiliar waters. 

Erwin traded his thumb for his index and middle finger, loosening him slowly, dragging it out unnecessarily as Levi stewed in his hormones and brain chemicals, things starting to feel blurry around the edges as ‘Space started to bloom in the back of his mind. His hips still shifted with slight impatience, chasing friction against the air because Erwin was mindful about a mess getting on his pants. Levi worried about prespend dripping on the rug but it wasn’t terribly difficult to spot clean, just greatly embarrassing. 

“There’s a good boy,” praised Erwin when he was able to sink three fingers into Levi who let out a choked moan of pleasure. “Yes, there you go.” 

“Mm,” he slurred throatily. “Erwin, please, I-I need it.” 

“You need what you’re given,” Erwin corrected him and Levi wasn’t deep enough not to tch in objection. Levi could hear the smile in Erwin’s voice when he corrected himself, “right now, you need what you’re given.” 

Levi draped bonelessly over the Dom’s lap enjoying the stimulation. Erwin’s rolled his wrist in expert, short tight circles that had felt absolutely heavenly. Enough so that Levi didn’t mind the position he was in, the state he was reduced to. His body clenched around Erwn’s fingers, a pseudo orgasm that had prespend streaming from his tip. 

“Close, baby?” Erwin asked in a soft, personal voice. Levi slurred his confirmation. “Are you ready to release for me?” 

Levi was and yet he wanted this sweet torture to continue. “Mmhm,” he confirmed, voice high and keening, desperate in a way he’d be ashamed about when the fog cleared but Erwin would make it better with gentle words and kisses. “Y-yes Erwin.” 

“Then release for me, baby,” rumbled Erwin, above him, free hand stroking his length with expert flicks of his wrist. 

The dual stimulation was more than enough to tip Levi over the edge. His vision whited out, his glans drawn tight and fast against his body and he spilled himself into Erwin’s hand. He didn't even mind that Erwin used the spend to stroke him through the waves of his orgasm. Levi would have been embarrassed by the amount of spend he expelled, suggesting it’d been longer than usual since he had completely emptying release, but he was too caught up in release and he gasped ragged as the syrupy sensation set in, slowing down everything around him but his racing heart as he floated in Erwin’s arms.

Notes:

next chapter update will be tomorrow. probably at 5am ngl lol

Chapter 7: s e v e n

Summary:

erwin comes home in an altered state, they make some progress

Notes:

the final chapter~ so sads it's over. but hopefully it lived up to expectations! we're ending on a happy note for once! so pls enjoy that too~ and thank you to those wonderful people who have left comments with their thoughts and kudos on this fic! it means the world to me! thank you for celebrating my bday week this! now to go cry (bc it's my bday and i'll cry if I want to :p)

Erwin fed Levi pieces of cut up orange. 

Levi was hungry for the sugar, feeling weak and sleepy as he curled up in Erwin’s arms. He’d carried him, nude, to the bathroom. They didn’t have a tub in the apartment so Erwin supported most of his weight while Levi drifted, words slurred, lost in a haze while Erwin cleaned, washing spend and lube from his skin before drying him carefully, lathering him lotion, and bringing him back to the bedroom, wrapped in a towel. 

“There’s a good boy,” Erwin praised as Levi curled into him on the bed once he was dressed for sleep. 

Now he was being fed by Erwin, eyelids heavy. Their silence was companionable, comfortable. Levi couldn’t overthink it. He could barely string together a thought at all and the emptying of his mind was relieving, not unnerving as it would become clarity. He finished the plate and Erwin helped him to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. Levi slapped on some moisturizer on his face, a habit at this point where his skin felt tight without it but bypassing the serums he had, and Erwin used his thumb to rub a bit of excess his clumsy hands had missed into his hairless jawline. 

From there, Erwin settled him in bed, got up to turn off the light, and then he got into bed and cradled Levi in his arms. The sub splayed across the Dom’s chest and groaned softly in relief and exhaustion. 

“I love you,” Erwin murmured softly. “I love you so much, Le.” 

Levi’s eyelids were heavy but he managed to slur, “love you,” before he fell asleep, face buried against Erwin’s bare chest, lulled to sleep by his Drop and the steady throbbing of Erwin’s heart. 

Erwin roused Levi, a hand on his back moving in comforting circles as he roused the drowsy sub who lifted his head, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he tried to perk up. He enjoyed the fact that he had something to do each day, that he had a job to go to, making a difference in his life and the lives of others. 

“How are you feeling?” Erwin asked carefully. 

Levi thought about yesterday, through the fog of his Drop, and the embarrassment was sharp enough to make him bury his face in Erwin’s chest once more with a groan of humiliation. “I don’t know,” he said with care. 

“You don’t know?” Erwin countered. “Try to think about it. I think it’s important.” 

“You do?” 

“The more I think about this… consent thing, the more I realize that it might not have been as fair to you as I thought it was.” Erwin seemed a bit anxious about it. “I never wanted to hurt you. Especially not like that.” 

“You never hurt me like that,” Levi said quickly, waking up from the sheer seriousness of the conversation. “Honestly. I was being truthful with you.” 

Erwin’s lips pressed together. “Okay, sweetheart,” he murmured. 

Levi kissed his cheek. “Really, eyebrows. I don’t think you have the right disposition.” 

“Some would say that makes me less of a Dom.” A dark but honest statement. 

“No, it makes you less of their version of one but that’s not the ultimate definition.” It was a twist on words his therapist said when he mentioned feeling as though he was failing as a submissive. “But we’re not there anymore. That isn’t who you have to be any longer.” 

Erwin’s smile was small. “I guess not, hm?” 

“Nope.” Levi squirmed closer, feeling a touch bad for bringing such turmoil to the Dominant. “I don’t think you’re a bad guy, Erwin.” 

“No?” 

“No.” 

“I love you, Levi.” 

“And I love you.” 

They laid there for a few minutes, calm quietness between them. Then it came time to begin the day and they got up. Erwin showered while Levi got dressed to make breakfast. They were still on time, Erwin and Levi chronically punctual as American culture demanded. They ate breakfast and Levi made lunch for himself. Erwin would be going into the classroom today to bank more physical hours and get more grading to do. He would eat on campus as his meals were free. 

Mandy was more exhausted than usual and she quickly explained herself. “I spent literally hours reading when I got home. Even after I got off the phone with Pryce, I went right back to reading. I’m almost done with it.”

“Oh.” Levi was a touch torn on inquiring more or not. He hadn’t gotten around to downloading it yet, to skim any of it. “Do you… like it so far?” 

“Like it? Like it?” She stared at him like he was stupid, but playfully so. “I love it. It’s so much better than the first book. That's so rare.” 

“Hm,” commented Levi.

She had brought the book with her and read through lunch with deep concentration, like she was studying the material. Levi made a mental note to skim the novel tomorrow, to have something to talk to her about. It was clearly an interest and he thought he could be a better friend or at the very least, improve himself as company. 

It was a short day of cleans, done just after one and Mandy hurried off to her community service position, which was folding church bulletins and other small tasks around her place of worship. Levi wished her luck as she got off the bus and put in headphones for the rest of the ride. It was a cool day, a perfect day for a hot drink but he was reluctant to return to the cafe. Instead he went home and made himself tea, telling himself it was just as good, and tidied up and cleaned the apartment. He changed sheets and had to bring the comforter to the laundromat on the corner. He texted Erwin to let him know, the Dom still on campus. 

Levi wondered what it must be like there as he sat in the hard backed plastic chair in the laundromat. There was a movie playing quietly on the TV and a few dead-eyed individuals were watching it but most were scrolling on their phones. Levi did neither. He’d sat directly in front of his washing comforter and just watched it until his phone trembled in his pocket, alerting him of a text message. 

Levi opened it, finding it was from Erwin. He was going to be home late, after dinner, but that he’d be eating with a few professors from the college. Levi was pleased for him, hopeful he might find new more open-minded friends and network a bit. Levi made himself dinner and enjoyed a quiet evening cup of tea, begrudgingly putting a request to download the book from the library. He thought it would take a few days but he got an alert just forty five minutes later that the book was downloading. He knew he couldn’t get into bed properly until after he attended to Erwin coming home, ensuring he had everything he needed and was ready for bed. 

So he opened the book, tucked on the couch with a glass of water (Erwin would fuss if he had two cups of tea before bed) and looked at the cover. His stomach tightened at the sight of a female submissive’s throat with a collar around it, a Dominant male’s hand with the hem of a suit’s sleeve, like the kind a politician would wear rather than a business man, more tightly tailored, with a gaudy watch on his wrist. The collar was clearly decorative, not something she’d wear daily, a band of sterling silver with loops of silver chain with tiny teardrop shaped diamonds, a large pendant in front that settled in the small of her throat. Her Fourth of July blonde hair was just barely in view, but there enough to make it known and to know it was the same character. Levi was doubtful that a submissive so low in government would wear such a trophy piece of a collar. It would be considered gauche, at best, and tasteless. 

Levi could feel his old collar around his throat, breathing tightening for a moment, chest growing heavy. He quickly flicked the screen, erasing the image and replacing it with publication information. Levi kept scrolling until he calmed and hit text and then scrolled a few pages in before he started scanning, skipping the recap that was surely happening. 

Levi had thought the original book was newer than it actually was. It seemed that she’d struggled to get this sequel published until it took off in the right circles. The news of the sequel’s release had spurred a lot more into reading the first one, especially at the deli. 

He read for a suspiciously long time. Long enough for him to text Erwin. A text that ultimately went unanswered as Erwin came home about twenty minutes later looking dazed and… off. Everything about him was off – Levi knew the Dominant like the back of his hand. He seemed suspicious of his steadiness, moving slowly as he closed the door, drawing in a deep breath like he was prepared to tell Levi something terrible. Fear filled him, wild unplaced fear that somehow everything was going to come crumbling down because… because… Levi waited, impatiently, heart racing, for Erwin to choose his words. 

“I apologize Levi.” His voice was steady but different. “I… Goodness, what have I done? Okay, uh, these professors are quite different from the ones that I know in America and – well, different? Not different, they’re… absurd, wildly unprofessional… I can’t believe I agreed…” 

A rental sub. That was all Levi could think of. Erwin turned to face him, face flushed with shame. “I, uhm, I partook in something I shouldn’t have and I believe my behavior may be… altered.” 

“What?” Levi was confused by the last part, hopeful it meant that the Dominant wasn’t about to shatter his heart into a million tiny pieces and send his world through a tailspin. “What did you do?” 

“I… tried, uhm, an electronic cigarette with THC in it.” Erwin said in disgust of himself, like he’d agreed to do something awful. “Stupid, I know. I just don’t know what I was thinking.”

Levi stood there, shocked for a second. He wasn’t angry. He’d learned it was very common in the country though their crowd was very much against it. But he was greatly relieved that Erwin hadn’t strayed. More than that, though, he was shocked. It felt wildly out of character for the Dominant though perhaps it was progress, him accepting local laws. Levi let out a laugh, startled and quickly folded a hand over his mouth. 

Erwin looked annoyed and more than that, embarrassed. “Oh, please,” he scolded. “Don’t… Don’t laugh at me.” 

“I’m not,” Levi reassured him, kicking into gear now that he realized that Dominant was simply high. Likely for the very first time. He wondered if it was like being drunk. “Did you enjoy it?” 

“No,” Erwin said sharply. “I feel… wildly uncomfortable. Very… loose.” 

“How terrible,” mused Levi as he, for the first time, knelt to untie Erwin’s shoes. The Dominant seemed lost on what to do. 

“Oh, you don’t have to,” Erwin said quickly, realizing. 

“I know,” said Levi. “I’m doing this as your partner, not as your submissive.” 

“Mm,” Erwin hummed, tone hard to read. “You know, traditionally, it’s an act of humility? It’s supposed to prove you are ready to serve hand and foot.” 

“How bleak,” Levi said, taking off the shoe. Erwin, unusually, used a hand to steady himself on the wall. “Do you feel off balance?” 

“No, just incredibly light on my feet,” Erwin said in a pondering tone. “This is much different.” 

“Than being drunk?” 

“Well… Yes, but…” Erwin sounded reluctant suddenly as Levi took off the other shoe, setting it on the mat. “I suppose it’s not a huge matter but I did… I have tried something like it before but it wasn’t… It didn’t feel like this though this is some New Age nonsense. The name for it was just vulgar. I mean, Sugartits?” 

Levi laughed again and Erwin looked annoyed for a moment but a reluctant smile broke through. “Stop it,” he ordered. “I’m not lowering myself to such crass humor.” 

“It’s not the name,” Levi said, though it was, in part. Mostly it was hearing the name come out of Erwin’s mouth at all. “Well, not completely. It’s just seeing you – you – like this. I mean, who would think Erwin Smith would ever get high?” 

“No one in their right mind,” Erwin muttered, sounding even more cross with himself. “I just… I don’t know, everyone else was partaking and it was offered and I thought it would be like back in college but no. No, no.” 

“Is it scary?” Levi asked, curiously. 

“Of course not,” Erwin said immediately, as Levi should have expected. Even if it was, he doubted the Dominant would admit it if it was. “Just strange. And certainly not a feeling you would enjoy.” 

Levi hadn’t even considered it. There were stores for it all around, dispensaries they called themselves. Clarissa had finally confessed to what they were and Levi had been shocked but not put off by it as she’d feared. The submissive explained that it was in fact just a plant and that it was legal in most countries at this point, save for America and some more traditional countries in the Netherlands. Levi felt no strong draw to it, having walked past one and been accosted with a terrible smell that had him hastening away, praying it wouldn’t stick to his clothes. He couldn’t imagine smoking something that smelled like that. He couldn’t imagine smoking at all. It wasn’t something subs were meant to do in America. It was an indulgence, a unique form of unflattering gluttony. 

“No?” Levi asked, standing. He made sure his pants still laid neatly afterwards, an old reaction from having them rolled up while he knelt on rice at his final foster home. It was unnecessary but muscle memory. Erwin watched him, a question burning in his slightly glazed eyes. “Is something wrong?” 

“No just… It’s funny. You try to shed so much of our past life but your mannerisms are the same. Your posture remains perfect – you haven’t forgotten a thing. If you were so unhappy, wouldn’t you drop it immediately?” 

“Not when it was drilled into you,” Levi replied. “I can’t help it. It’s just become part of me, I guess.” 

“But you’re still against the lifestyle?” 

“For the most part.” Levi’s tone was clipped. He didn’t want to have this conversation and certainly not when Erwin was in an altered state. 

“Hm.” Erwin read the tone and respected it. “Have you eaten?” 

They walked to the couch, just slightly slower than normal. “Yes,” Levi said. 

“Ah. I’m starving,” he complained. “It’s like I smoked that damn stick and my dinner disappeared.” 

“I’ll make you something.” 

Erwin frowned. “I want something different and quick. Do you suppose it’s too late to order in?” 

Levi knew Clarissa was a fan of three am Chinese food so he told him that. Erwin’s eyes lit up. “Yes, that’s a great idea,” he agreed, taking his phone from his pocket. “Do you want anything?” 

“I ate,” Levi reminded him. 

“Right. Right, you just told me that… Sorry.” Erwin was embarrassed by his lack of focus and Levi fetched him water, uncertain on if it would help. 

Erwin placed his order rather quickly, all but tossing his phone on the coffee table as he reached for the remote. Levi tucked himself beside the Dominant, ultimately amused by the evening even if it was getting a bit late and meant that getting up wouldn’t be as easy as usual tomorrow. But what was life without some variations? The food came, Erwin fetching it himself. When he had the food laid out he took a pause. 

“I… May have ordered a bit much,” he admitted. 

Levi had the heel of his hand pressed against his mouth to stifle the laughter threatening to burst from him. “Maybe,” he managed in a laughter-worbling voice. 

Erwin gave a side look, trying to look stern but too bashful about his over ordering. “It just… It all sounded like exactly what I wanted.” 

“I’ll make you a plate,” said Levi. 

“Oh, would you? Thank you,” Erwin looked relieved as Levi bagged up the food and brought it into the kitchen where he left lids off to cool (as there would surely be quite a lot of leftovers) and made Erwin a plate with a bit of everything. It left the plate looking a bit fuller than usual but Levi didn’t doubt the man could handle it. 

Erwin accepted the plate with a pleased hum, taking the fork and immediately starting to eat. He offered Levi bites and Levi ate a spring roll but nothing else. After Erwin was done he seemed more calmed, less full of nervous energy. Levi put the food in containers, pleased that he had an excuse not to cook tomorrow. But he heard Erwin approaching behind, plucking a piece of soy ginger glazed chicken from the container and popping it in his mouth. 

“God, I forgot how good take out is.” 

“Really? You always complain about this place.” Levi wondered if the drug made food taste better or if he was simply that hungry because of it. He, personally, found the spring roll underwhelming, very unsalted. But perhaps that was proper Chinese food, and not the American version that they were familiar with that was notoriously over salted. “Maybe your standards have been lowered.” 

“Perhaps.” Erwin ate another piece and Levi closed the container to save him from feeling ill in the morning. “Thank you. I needed that.” 

Levi laughed. He had to say, he appreciated the candor. “You’re very welcome,” he said. “Do you want to go to bed?” 

“Hm? Oh, I suppose I could read for a bit.” Not quite what Levi was after but he’d make do.

Levi showered while Erwin brushed his teeth and washed his face, Levi doing his evening skincare and brushing his teeth after he got out. It still felt a touch vain but mostly it felt nice. Erwin was in bed, on his ereader though he dropped it when Levi came in, smiling at him. 

“I love your face freshly washed, when it’s got that almost dry glow to it.” 

Levi found it to be an odd statement but he was flattered by it, mostly surprised that Erwin would notice such a subtle shift in his appearance. Clearly the Dominant paid as much attention to Levi as the sub paid to Erwin. 

“Thank you?” he said, feeling strange and uncertain about accepting the compliment. 

He hummed, content and calm and Levi dropped the towel. Erwin watched which Levi typically would have been annoyed by but it was a sort of vacant watching, like he was just looking to have something to watch but was thinking of something else entirely. It was a very odd feeling, being watched but not feeling seen. Levi dressed and approached the bed, Erwin blinking and breaking out his trance as Levi got close enough. 

“Bed?” he suggested. 

“Oh, um, shortly,” he said, lifting the ereader pointedly. 

Levi tried not to sigh and said, “okay,” getting into bed and assembling the gathered pillows behind him as he laid across Erwin’s chest. He closed his eyes, trying to doze. Erwin read for about an hour before saying, “oh,” seeming startled about something. 

Levi lifted his head with a sleepy, slurred, “what’s wrong?” 

“It’s just much later than I realized. Oh, Levi, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Here, move and I’ll turn off the light.” He sounded a bit more clear headed now, if not a bit slowed down with lethargy. 

Levi sat up and Erwin got up, turning off the light. Back in bed, he let Levi nestle close, closing his eyes and falling asleep almost immediately. 

The next morning Levi felt like he’d barely slept. Erwin didn’t seem quite as lethargic, surprisingly, stretching and saying, “wow, I haven’t slept that well in… Since I came here.” 

“That makes one of us,” Levi slurred sleepily, sitting up. He rubbed his eyes blearily and tried to wake up. 

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry I kept you up so late. And for such a… foolish reason.” His cheeks flushed slightly, embarrassed by his behavior last night. 

It made Levi crack a smile, despite how groggy he was. “You were in quite the state,” he teased. 

“No I wasn’t,” he objected and his eyes flashed playfully, getting up straddle over Levi’s smaller body, crushing half his pillows under his knee and shin. The larger man was sure to keep his weight off of him, mindful of his comfort. Levi’s face lit up in surprise at the sudden reaction. “How dare you tease your Dom like that?” 

“Well,” Levi stammered, still trying to wake up and taken off guard by the sudden… playfulness. “You did make your own choice last night.” 

“Still, not very respectful,” he tutted playfully. “But you were very patient with me last night.” 

“Was I?” Levi’s heart still raced despite his sleepy state. 

“You were,” Erwin agreed, pulling away the duvet Levi had clutched in surprise when Erwin loomed over him. The air felt cool, even through the fabric of his pajamas. But not for long, the Dominant skirted a hand down his side, settling on his hip. “And for that, I think you deserve to be rewarded.” 

“Oh.” Levi’s cheeks were pink and he felt much more awake – in many senses. He expected to feel wary of this behavior but he felt intrigued by it, curious. It felt different. Less formal. “Uhm, okay.” 

“Okay?” Erwin slipped his long fingers under his shirt, stroking his lower stomach. 

His abdomen twitched, tensed, and Erwin stroked until he settled and stopped reacting. Levi gave a nod and Erwin hooked his fingers in the waistband of his sleep pants, giving them a downward pull. His excitement was embarrassingly obvious but Erwin didn’t tease him, blessedly, running a finger along his turgid length through the spandex with just enough force to give feeling. 

Levi shivered with delight and Erwin shifted back just enough to lower the pants enough to access his groin. He couldn’t bring himself to watch, staring up at the ceiling as he felt Erwin touch him, gently at first through the fabric before peeling down the underwear. The cool air kissed the tip of his length and Levi whimpered softly, a touch impatiently. 

“Ah ah ah,” warned Erwin. “Patience, sweet boy.” 

Levi cracked open an eye. “Sorry,” he mumbled. 

But he wasn’t left wanting for much longer, feeling Erwin’s hot breath fanning against the tip, an erotic sensation that sent the shiver down his spine. He shuddered and was engulfed in wet heat. It was a reward that was given often but nearly as often as Levi did it and his hands clamped down on the bedding, toes curling. He fought hard to keep himself from his hips from jutting deeper into Erwin’s mouth. Erwin always scolded him if he made him gag on his length, going deeper than he should. It was understood that oral stimulation was gratuitous, an indulgent pleasure for submissives. But, on the television at the very least (as well in the Beloved book that Levi hated) Dominants would sometimes do it. That didn’t make Levi feel any less lucky to have Erwin’s mouth around his cock while he fisted the blankets, fighting not to bury them in Erwin’s hair. It was tempting, perhaps a way to surprise Erwin, but they’d agreed on no more surprises spurred on from what they saw on the television. So Levi didn’t do it, gripping onto the bedding instead. 

Erwin removed him from his mouth with a lewd wet sound that had Levi almost releasing without permission – and desiring to do so freely fiercely. It made him feel a touch ashamed to enjoy something so illicit. Levi cracked open his eyes, getting an eyeful of Erwin wiping excess saliva that gathered in the corners of his lips away with a massive palm. It seemed debauched in the best way. Levi let out a soft moan in objection to the delight ending. 

“Patience,” he said, handling his length with loving care as he shifted, sliding a hand between his thighs. 

Erwin took his glans in his hand, Levi gasping. He clutched onto the bedding again. He massaged the glans, proving how well he knew Levi’s body and what he enjoyed most.

“Mm,” murmured Levi. 

Levi’s hips jerked slightly, length cutting unsatisfying through empty air. The Dominant gave him a stern look. “Be still,” he said. 

Levi wanted to be frustrated but he sought the delight too much. “Please,” he moaned. “Please Erwin. Let me…” 

“Let you?” Erwin said, inviting him to continue. 

Levi was tempted to cover his face but he didn’t. “Let me release,” he mumbled, cheeks flushed. 

“Hmm,” murmured Erwin thoughtfully. “I suppose I should let you get about your morning…” 

Levi knew that they still had a bit more time before things would be too terribly tight but he was eager to release and nodded his head. “Alright,” said Erwin. “Release when you want.” 

Then he all but swallowed his length, its head nestled in the back of Erwin’s throat. But, the Dominant was prepared for it and he moved his tongue enticingly against the underside, smoothly swallowing the prespend oozing from him copiously now as he neared that peak. The pleasure of release crashed over him, glans drawn tight, toes curling, fingers clamped onto the bedding so hard his fingers cramped. 

Erwin swallowed it easily, an unreasonably erotic sight within itself, tongue ravishing him until he grew too sensitive and begged, “stop, stop, please,” in a desperate, breathless babble. 

Erwin pulled off and Levi was tempted to curl up, to enjoy the bliss of the moment. But Erwin was running his hands up and down his thighs, appraisingly almost. 

“How was that?” Erwin asked, a touch cheekily.

Levi managed a weak moan. Then, realizing how exposed he was, still softening, he quickly pulled up his underwear and pants. Erwin laughed but got off of him, standing and offering a hand. Levi took it, cheeks still flushed from his release, and walked on weak, rubbery legs to the bathroom where he cleaned up, feeling saliva tacky against his skin. He ended up showering quickly, which ate up about fifteen minutes from start to finish. But then Levi was dressed and in the kitchen, making Erwin his morning coffee. The Dominant sometimes had classroom hours today, depending on the professor’s needs, and Levi asked as he passed him his cup of coffee. 

“I’m going in for a few hours. I agreed to look over something,” Erwin said, looking at his phone. “Though, now I worry about my behavior last night. It’s very… It’s very hazy, I think.” 

“You think?” Levi smiled, amused, going back to making breakfast. 

“I could be reading into it too much,” he admitted. “But I just hope and pray I didn’t do – or say – something foolish.” 

“I can’t imagine you doing such a thing,” Levi said. “You were still pretty composed last night.” 

“The pretty concerns me,” said Erwin, but he sounded slightly amused by it. “But, I’ve certainly learned my lesson.” 

“It seemed mostly harmless,” Levi said with a laugh as he flipped the pancake. He’d added blueberries, having come to really appreciate the affordable year-round produce thanks to imports. “Maybe next time you’ll have more fun.” 

“Next time? No,” Erwin shook his head. “I’m… I’m certain it’s not for me. I don’t know what possessed me last night.” 

“Fleeting youth,” teased Levi. 

“Fleeting?” Erwin feigned offense. “Disrespectful.” 

Levi giggled. “Sorry sir.” 

He liked this. The ease in the air, the informality with an underlying, familiar current. They had breakfast together and then Levi got his lunch packed and ensured he had all his cleaning supplies. Erwin walked him to the door, not leaving quite yet, and kissed him goodbye. 

“I love you,” he said gently. “Text me when you get to work.” 

“I will,” Levi promised. 

He met up with Mandy who looked slightly more awake than yesterday. “Good morning,” Levi greeted, feeling wide awake. 

“Morning,” Mandy said. “I finished the book.” 

“Oh? Did you… like it?” 

“Oh my goodness, yes,” she groaned. “Knowing I’ll have to wait at least a year for the next one is painful but rumor has it, they’re thinking of making it into a short series!” 

Levi couldn’t imagine. “Oh.” But she was excited. “That’s… great.” 

“Isn’t it?” Mandy was clearly pleased. 

The bus ride was quiet, the submissive still waking up, and Levi texted as soon as they got to the first cleaning location. Erwin answered promptly, likely in the classroom or on the bus. He thought about the evening, long as it may have been. There had been something pleasant about its unexpectedness, not at all frustrated by the lingering exhaustion like he thought he would be. There was something fond about it, like late night spent in Erwin’s bedroom while Pastor Smith and his submissive were out, past when Levi knew he was meant to be in bed, aware he’d be exhausted come morning but not caring because he greatly enjoyed the time spent. 

He sent a text to Erwin at lunch that was read immediately, the messaging app open, Erwin waiting. He didn’t reply, likely busy, and Levi carried on with his day. It was a cool day and he was tempted to go to the cafe again but he was still nervous about doing so. He had therapy tomorrow and was anxious about it. He was reluctant to tell her about the cafe incident, wondering if she’d be upset if Levi hadn’t stood up for himself more. 

He doubted it but his old fears, his old assumption that anyone in ‘power’ would dislike him, lingered. 

He went home after he was done, the apartment empty but not for long, Erwin warning he was almost home shortly after Levi finished his apartment chores. Levi met him at the door, an old dance of unburdening Erwin from his bag. But instead of bringing it to his office, he brought it to the kitchen, putting them on the stand in the kitchen. Erwin called for a beer from the living room and Levi brought it to him. The lack of a please was made up for with a thank you that made Levi smile fondly at Erwin as he cracked it open and took a swallow. 

“Sit,” he invited, and he didn’t spread his thighs. Levi sat on the couch beside him. “How was your day?” 

“Good. Uhm, Pryce is taking Mandy out of the country.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yes, they’re going to the United Kingdom, apparently,” Levi said. 

“I forget we can travel,” Erwin mused, looking thoughtful. “Do you want to go somewhere else?” 

“What?” 

“Not… leaving the country. I worry about safety.” 

“We’re Canadians now.” 

“And yet we get pegged as Americans by strangers.” The first mention of the incident since it happened. “But maybe we could go somewhere else here? Canada is a huge country, much like America. What if we went to Nova Scotia?" 

The name was familiar but Levi, embarrassingly, knew little about it. All he knew was what he learned in the geography class he’d taken here and that was where it was located. He knew that there were buses that would take them out of the city where they’d have to use rural transportation that existed solely for tourism as people who lived in selectively rural areas could have private vehicles. 

“What would we do there?” 

“Well,” Erwin pondered. “I’d have to see what’s out there, honestly. I’m aware that there’s some gardens out there and forts we could tour.” Levi smiled, he couldn’t help it. Erwin was drawn to history, he couldn’t help it. “We don’t have to.” 

“No,” Levi said quickly. “That sounds like fun.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. I mean, I always find it interesting. The… stone walls and old plaques and stuff.” 

“Stone walls and old plaques and stuff?” Erwin smiled, amused by his underwhelming summary. 

“And-and the person in the bus who talks a lot,” said Levi, a guilty little smile on his face at admitting it. “Really, Erwin, I do enjoy it. Even if it’s just seeing the look on your face.” 

“What look?” 

“Your… learning face.” 

Erwin snorted. “I have a learning face?” 

“You do.” Levi nestled close, enjoying the presence. “And it’s… adorable.” 

“Adorable?” Erwin echoed. “Brave words coming from you.” 

Levi tilted his head up at him, making eye contact. It wasn’t an overwhelmingly common occurrence, typically feeling uncomfortable. But right now it didn’t. Not with the softness in his eyes, no glint of unhappiness or discomfort. 

“I’m the furthest thing from adorable,” he said with a playful huff. 

“I disagree.” Erwin tapped his nose and Levi wrinkled it in response. “That expression right there – adorable.” 

“Ugh,” Levi swatted the hand away and Erwin moved his hand, running his fingers through his hair. “How were things with your professor?” 

“Oh? Things were fine with Mark. I mustn’t have made too big of a fool of myself. Though, I suspect they had ill intentions.” Levi looked up, surprised. “Well, perhaps that’s a bit intense of a statement. Rather, I think they were fascinated to see how an American would handle the kind of stuff they sell here.” 

“And you handled it so well,” Levi praised with a laugh. 

“Yes, wasting an exorbitant amount of money on food is handling it well,” he mused. 

“Well, hey, it saves me from making dinner tonight.” 

“Getting lazy are we, Levi?” 

“Says the one who never cooks?” 

“I think that’s for both of our sakes,” teased Erwin, a fair point. 

They watched TV from there until Levi got up to reheat the food. He set the table, slightly displeased by the amount still in the fridge. He might have to take some to work tomorrow for lunch to get through it before it degraded further in flavor. Erwin sat down, looking less eager than the night before. 

“What?” Levi teased. “You wanted it so badly last night.” 

“My judgment was clouded.” Erwin picked up his fork, eating some chicken. “Huh.” 

“What?” 

“It’s… not as good as it was last night.” 

“Well, it is leftovers,” teased Levi, aware it wasn’t that but the fact he was under the influence of something. 

“I just don’t think it was as good as I was convinced it was,” Erwin admitted. 

“I can make you something else,” Levi said, though he’d rather not waste the food so he’d eat his plate. 

“No, no. We paid for it, we might as well eat it.” 

He ate out of duty, with no enjoyment, adding salt to the plate a few times before realizing that saltiness wouldn’t improve the flavor any further. 

“I can try and do something with the chicken,” Levi said when he cleared the table. “And… toss the rest.” 

“Oh, you don’t mind? It was a terrible choice on my end – I wish I hadn’t ordered from that place.” 

“I’ll do something with it,” Levi promised. “And I’ll eat the spring rolls for lunch.” 

“Don’t do that to yourself, they’re terrible.” 

“They’re not bad when I dip them in the plum sauce.” 

“You know what I miss?” 

“Hm?” 

“Duck sauce.” 

Levi had only tasted the incredibly sweet sauce a few times. It was a very American invention and they hadn’t come across it at any Chinese take away restaurants they’d come to. But all the Chinese food was different from what they were familiar with. Levi remembered Erwin asking for chicken fingers and being confused when they got a carton of chicken tenders. They simply didn’t make the battered chicken anywhere they’d gone and no one seemed to know what they were talking about. 

“It was good,” he agreed. It seemed to go with everything. The leftovers could be dumped over the copious amount of white rice that came with every order they’d place. “But plum sauce is similar, I think.” 

“No,” Erwin said, shaking his head. “I don’t think they compare.” 

Levi would have to take the food down to the basement composting machine so he stacked the two noodle dishes that Erwin had ordered as well as the beef and broccoli with a sauce that tasted unsalted to their American palate and didn’t reheat well, turning gelatinous and kind of slimy. Erwin offered to help and they scrapped it out into the machine. It, shockingly, didn’t smell terrible, fans were constantly running and the organic material rapidly turned into soil thanks to special mechanisms inside of the machine. It constantly churned the material, feeding in oxygen and it was temperature controlled for the quickest processing time. 

Back upstairs, they washed their hands and Levi showered for the second time, washing the day from his body. Erwin was in bed, on his ereader. Levi decided to read some on his tablet at his Dominant’s side. He skimmed more of the book and before bed, reminded Erwin of his appointment. Erwin suggested walking him to the bus stop and Levi happily agreed. 

The morning clean he did on his own, Mandy ill. It took a bit longer and left him hurrying to shower and get dressed. Erwin laid out clothes for him, to be helpful, surely, and Levi didn’t even care, pleased to save time. He went straight from the bathroom, fixing his hair, to the door, Erwin hot on his heels. 

“I hope you keep track of absences,” he commented as he pulled on his shoes. 

“She hardly ever calls out,” Levi reminded him. 

“I know but… Don’t let it become a habit.” 

“It’s not like she was out drinking all night, she sounded terrible on the phone.” 

“I suppose,” Erwin said. “But it pains me to see you so busy.” 

“Funny, I enjoy it,” Levi said cheekily. His days felt far more fulfilling than they used to, even if they left him taxed and tired. There was a sense of accomplishment that made it worth it. “C’mon, eyebrows. I can’t miss the bus.” 

“No you cannot,” agreed Erwin, opening the door for him. 

He didn’t miss the bus though they were only waiting for about five minutes before it pulled up. It made Levi nervous, thinking of how close they cut it. But he knew there was no reason for him to feel that way – there was no good to come of obsessing over what-ifs. He needed to focus on the moment and simply be grateful he was on time. Erwin had kissed him goodbye, a rare show of public affection but no one around them even cared which was strange and new. 

In the office, Levi happily told Melissa he thought they were really making some progress lately. She asked for some examples and he, sparing her the details, explained that he and Erwin discussed consent and even shifting some aspects of their sex life to allow them to explore equality a bit more. She was pleased about that, not pressing further for details Levi wasn’t comfortable yet giving. He also shared he’d gotten to see a familiar side of Erwin that he’d thought was long gone. His therapist was pleased about that, too, asking how it made him feel. Levi was honest: he felt relieved. He’d thought that it was a side of Erwin he’d never see again. He told her about him bringing up travelling and she said Nova Scotia was a great place to vacation, very accepting like the rest of the country. 

He may have left out what happened at the cafe but they ran out of time after they touched on how his eating was. Levi said that it was better, that eating was taking less effort. Not without effort, not with no stress, but better.  

And, sure, they hadn’t quite managed to try something super new yet, but the morning – and their candid conversation – suggested a profound shift in how Erwin viewed intimacy between them. Formality was slowly being peeled away and Levi was eager to see where things went and what further progress they would make. Individually and together.

Notes:

duck sauce guys :( how do people outside of the us survive without it? and i was shook when i realized that chicken fingers don't exist outside of like the american northeast. like the oblong round battered chicken? i wish i knew how to add a photo lol. i asked my canadian friend about them (if she liked them) and she had no clue what i was talking about. tragic. anyway, thank you again for reading this fic and i hope it was worth your time!

see you in december~

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 4 of AOT BDSM AU