The Boy Of The Weeping Willow

by Milo_doing_things

Summary:

The day of his 10th birthday, Chuuya comes across a tree with a boy sitting under its branches.

They see each other year after year, growing up and learning to be human despite everything tearing them apart.

OR Dazai and Chuuya learn to know and love each other year after year.

Notes:

I've been writing this fic for months, the second chapter is already written and betaed so that's coming for sure.
I truly hope you enjoy it as I put my blood, sweat and tears into this monstrosity.

Chapter 1: Three candies for a birthday

It was raining that day, which was an accurate representation of Chuuya’s feelings. He was fleeing from the adults of his orphanage, running through the mud and the high weeds, it had been his birthday and aside from the gloomy rain he had been elated to finally be a big boy, 10 years old, his age was in the double digits now, Kouyou had told him he was finally a man! 

Though he had known from the start that they couldn’t afford to throw him a big birthday party, what with the new children that had come to the orphanage, which had been dubbed the “children of the sheep” since they had arrived with a dead sheep in the middle of winter and asked for shelter, saying they had nowhere to go, the nuns having barely hesitated before taking the children in, saying it was the word of god who had brought them to their home with an offering. 

 

It was spring now and they were still barely scraping by despite the first harvests of the year coming in so of course a cake was out of the question, a bigger piece of bread than usual would have already been an amazing gift, but when had woken up his older sister, Kouyou, had given him a basket made of big dried branches, something he had asked of her to be able to help the older children forage in the forest, it was the highlight of his day, as everything went downhill right after, one of the sheeps had thrown up in the night, so most of the nuns were busy praying at his bedside, none of them had even bothered to wish him a happy birthday, he had bitterly thought they probably didn’t even remember. 

 

So he had taken his basket and told the older children, busy cooking and doing whatever the big kids did, that he was going foraging to get them some mushrooms for dinner, he had received a few head ruffles and some happy birthdays, he bid farewell to the head priest, a feeble older man who looked about to crumble any second of the day, and went on his way, no one even wondered why he was going out in the heavy rain.

 

They had started looking for him when they realised he hadn’t returned by nightfall, some of the nuns were running after him trying to bring him back though he wasn’t all that hard to spot, what with his bright ginger hair he was faster and smaller though he could get through the branches a lot easier. 

It was after a few minutes of running, his breathing laboured and his sides hurting that he finally got stuck, he was at the edge of the forest, well not quite the edge but the edge of where they were allowed, marked by a high metal fence, the nuns had forbidden them going farther, said it was a private property full of non believers, he didn’t quite understand what they believed in but he understood there were people on the other side who would get scared if someone got into their property and they could hurt him, that was how Kouyou explained it at least. 

For a split second he considered turning around and giving up on the chase, but that would make him a coward, Kyuusaku, Q for short, who’s barely 6 and always criticizing him, had said so, 

 

“Will you leave us?” they had asked him

 

“Maybe someday, but i’ll always return with good food i’ll get in the city” he had promised them, and maybe he was lying but they were so young and they didn’t deserve the harsh truth, that if he left, he wouldn’t return. 

“I mean, escape the nuns, like the princesses escaping the dragons in my books”

he had played along that day

 

“if I do escape, I’ll probably just come back for you and Kouyou.” he had ruffled their hair and they had glared so hard he had snatched it back

 

“That would make you a coward, if you escape, don’t return unless they’re holding you screaming and kicking, like the princesses when they don’t want to marry a prince.”

Chuuya thought that perhaps, they should stop giving Q fantasy books. 

 

He might have underestimated how high up he was when he decided to jump off instead of climbing down because once the pain in his ankle subsided enough for him to focus on his surroundings he could already hear the yells of his tutors in the close distance, he had been sure he’d lost them. So up he went, ignoring the scathing pain in his ankle so he could get out of sight before they made it to the fence, so he ran, soaked and in pain, he ran.

 

He finally found a place to rest, in front of him there was a huge tree with falling leaves, he had seen one just like it in one of Kouyou’s books titled “Botany and Dendrology” though he wasn’t much of a reader and he couldn’t remember the name of the it, he had only been skiving through it to pretend he was studying, though he was quite sure there hadn’t been a whole boy under the tree in the pictures he had come across. He would have turned around right there if he didn’t think he’d catch his death if he didn’t dry up at least slightly, and so he ran the rest of the way up the hill until he couldn’t feel the rain trying to settle the cold in his bones any more than it already was. 

 

Once he got closer he could see that the boy barely looked older than him, maybe slightly younger if he looked carefully, a year older or younger give or take but not much more than that.

 

The boy hadn’t even acknowledged him yet and he still didn’t when he plopped himself down next to him, after around ten minutes of pouring rain, though it could be more, he was still struggling with the passage of time, there was still no exchange between the both of them and so he decided to chance a glance towards the other ; his hair was messy, falling over his eyes and of a brown from which he couldn’t see the beginning or end of, the sky too dark with clouds to tell properly. 

He was sickly pale, even more so than Chuuya who never ate his fill at the orphanage, he idly wondered if the rain wouldn’t just blow him over, were he to step out of the protection of the tree. He was clad in bandages dirtier than his skin was, he had been taught to keep bandages clean to avoid infections, but perhaps the boy hadn’t. 

The bandaged boy sneezed, the most movement Chuuya had seen of him yet, though he was still acting as if there was no one around.

He wondered if he should start a conversation, they were sharing a tree after all. 

 

“Hello?” the boy flinched at his voice and glared at him scathingly, he decided to ignore it, afterall if he wanted a different introduction he should have talked first.

“I’m Chuuya” he extended his hand but all he got in return was a blank stare.

“Do you not speak English? I can also speak a bit of French, je m’appelle Chuuya.” The bandaged child looked even more confused if that was even possible.

“I do speak English.” That was the crackiest voice he had ever heard paired with such an annoyed tone he felt like he had roused the dead from their slumber.

“If you can speak then give me your name.” the boy glared at him and Chuuya remembered Kouyou saying something about politeness. “please.” His tone wasn’t the most polite and he felt slightly bad, the boy looked torn between biting his face off and running away in the rain.

 

There was a long pause where Chuuya stared and bandage boy stared back, until he simply turned away and Chuuya realised he wasn’t getting a response, so he used a technique honed from years of living in a community : annoying people into reacting.

 

“It’s fine if you don’t have a name, I can give you one.” no response.

 

“What about tree or raindrop?” the boy twitched slightly, as if he was holding back a punch. 

 

“Too earthy? What about volcano? That's a very cool name.” This time he did get a response, the bandaged boy turned towards him so fast he might have gotten whiplash if the expression on his face and the slight wobble of his head was any indication. 

 

“My name is Dazai, Osamu Dazai.” The child- no Dazai, was red-faced and panting as if the slightly bothersome questions were a grave offense to his person.

“And who are you?” Chuuya opened his mouth to repeat his name at the offended looking boy, but as if sensing his response Dazai cut him off.

“Not your name, are you one of Mori’s boys?” 

 

He shook his head, and Dazai nodded seriously, apparently being one of Mori’s boys was a bad thing. 

 

“Ace? Rimbaud? Verlaine?”

 

He shook his head again and this time Dazai glared at him.

“Then where are you from?” Perhaps Kouyou had been right and the boy was going to freak out if he learned Chuuya had kind of broken into the property.

 

“Rimbaud, I’m one of Rimbaud’s” Apparently that was the right answer since Dazai nodded as if it made perfect sense.

 

“You’re way too soft to be anyone else’s.” It felt like an insult but since Chuuya didn’t know any of them it didn’t feel half as mean.

 

“Whose.. uh.. kid are you?” Maybe Dazai was also in an orphanage and he was referring to his caretakers, just like he was one of Kouyou’s protege and the sheeps were the nuns.

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say, because Dazai didn’t answer him, his blank look was back when he had just managed to coax small talk out of him. There was nothing said for several minutes until Chuuya started rambling again.

 

“So my older sister, Kouyou, she said I shouldn’t leave while it was raining but then I remembered Q- oh i should tell you who Q is-” It went on for longer than he would have hoped, for a long while he talked without getting any answer, Dazai’s eyes vacant as he stared at the floor but at some point between the story of Q’s arrival at their doorstep five years ago and the sheep’s weird arrival, Dazai started giving small responses.

 

“-And they bit me! The nuns said it was because they were growing their teeth but i’m sure they were lying because that little thing is a demon-”

 

He had gotten a comment for this specific story.

 

“Maybe they mistook you for a toothpick ?” He had said, and though his face was impassive Chuuya assumed he was joking.

 

“If i was a toothpick then you’d be a- a- an even smaller toothpick !” Maybe he should borrow one of the books Tanizaki reads on vocabulary. Dazai stopped talking again so he went back to his mindless chatter.

 

“And the nuns took them in, they’re good kids but we barely have enough food and sometimes I wish they hadn’t.”

 

That had gotten him the most emotion out of Dazai yet.

“Odasaku always took in everyone who needed help, I never understood why. He would have given his flesh to the kids if they were hungry.” He had curled farther into himself

Chuuya had waited, hopefully the boy would speak more, Chuuya’s throat was frankly hurting from the non stop talking.

 

“I guess I should be thankful for his awful habit.” That was the end of that specific discussion, when he thought back on it, he wouldn’t hear that much about Odasaku again for years to come. 

 

Dazai was shaking, and Chuuya would have offered him his coat, he had been raised in altruism afterall, but he hadn’t brought a coat, and really he should have realised that beforehand, his hands had a slightly blue hue and he was shaking almost as much as Dazai. He inched closer to a frowning Dazai until they were shoulder to shoulder, enough to share a bit of body heat but not too much as to make Dazai kick him off the hill, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t hesitate, if Chuuya tried to push his boundaries, not that he knew what they were, his very existence was probably pushing the boy’s boundaries.

 

He spent a few more minutes talking over the sound of the rain, he wasn’t even nearly dry but he wasn’t dripping wet anymore, his clothes hanging onto his body uncomfortably but not much more, his chatter steadily trickled into silence, thunder booming in the distance and the rain flooding the plants, taking away the ones whose roots were too weak to anchor them to the soil. 

 

“So did Kouyou tell the nuns?” If he was honest, Chuuya had already forgotten what he had been talking about and he hadn’t thought Dazai was actually listening so he had been getting into stories he couldn’t tell the nuns or other kids simply because it was either against the rules or against god. 

 

“Probably not, and if she did then she changed what happened when telling the story.” That was an honest answer, no matter what story he had been telling, Kouyou was often more bark than bite, when it regarded Chuuya at least. 

 

“How is it in your orphanage?” Dazai didn’t answer except with a blank stare, the one that meant he wouldn’t get an answer.

“Anyways, so there was that flood in autumn-”

 

“I don’t.” He had actually gotten an answer ? Without at least ten minutes of talking in between?

 

“You don’t what?” 

 

“I don’t live in an orphanage” Well that was just weird, he had talked about his guardians earlier.

 

“Then where do you live?” That blank stare again, that made his hair stand on end when even the cold of the rain hadn’t managed. 

“I live where they take me.” Way to be friendly, he was just so confusing it got Chuuya’s brain feeling frayed and mushy. 

 

“But you live here, don’t you?” Maybe they were both trying to escape the rain and Dazai lived somewhere else entirely, it would be awkward but it would explain why the other was so closed off, if he wasn’t meant to be here either. 

 

“No, I don’t.” Oh so Chuuya was right, they were both somewhere they weren’t meant to be.

 

“What place do you call home, then?” He was taking advantage of the sudden ability of Dazai to hold a conversation, well maybe not hold but his ability to give short confusing answers to simple questions was better than getting a stare and no answer.

 

“I don’t have a home.” Dazai’s eyebrows were pinched, as he stared ahead. “Like a circus troupe doesn’t have a home, they take me places but we never settle.” Chuuya nodded, because it felt like Dazai was trying really hard to explain the concept to him, even if he really didn’t get it, the orphanage was his home and if he went to live somewhere else even for a short time then it would also be his home. 

 

“So what brought you here then? Do you have tents nearby like a circus?” He looked around as if he could suddenly see tents appear from the trees despite the fact he had been looking around when he arrived. Dazai frowned again before pointing at the huge manor near the end of the fenced land; he had assumed that was where some rich people lived, though he had never seen them. 

 

“You’re so confusing, just tell me where you live!” He was usually calm with other people his age, he had to otherwise there could be dangerous tensions between himself and the other kids at the orphanage but that boy was just truly infuriating.

 

“I told you, I don’t live anywhere! Why do you even wanna know anyway, it’s none of your business, you’re on Mori’s property without permission, I should report you to him.” That was awkward. They stared at each other for a few seconds, Dazai panting heavily and Chuuya staring blankly, a true reversal of roles. 

 

“I’m sorry for trespassing?” He tried, which seemed to make the boy even angrier if the color of his face was any indication to his emotions, which honestly he wasn’t sure of, Dazai was a true mystery. 

 

“It doesn’t matter. You’ll be gone the second the rain ends after all.” It sounded less like a fact and more like a threat, so Chuuya nodded.

 

“The second it ends.” He confirmed, there was a long awkward silence where Dazai seemed to fumble with words and Chuuya hoped the wet soil would swallow him whole, plant life seemed better than whatever this was. 

 

Dazai finally closed his mouth and the silence without expectation of new conversation was even more awkward, he hadn’t thought it was possible. 

 

“Tell me about that flood in autumn?” Dazai asked quietly after a few minutes, Chuuya hadn’t known him for long but he could already tell that was Dazai’s version of a peace offering, the boy seemed just as unsocialised as Chuuya felt, it was comforting, in its own way. 

 

“Uh, yeah. So a few of the kids tried to make a new river when the autumn rains started and-” 

As he talked, he actually looked at Dazai. He wasn’t looking at him but at the rain falling so it looked like he wasn’t listening, but when he actually paid attention to the other boy, he noticed he bobbed his head once in a while, nodding along to his words. It felt comforting, being listened to so intensely, all the kids at the orphanage were much older or much younger than him, the older ones always looked uninterested as he talked but entertained him anyway while the younger ones didn’t understand much of what he said. Well, there was Q who understood him when he talked and didn’t seem to entertain him, but he would rather talk to the bandaged boy than them, his creepiness could never reach Q level. 

 

“What about your parents?” Dazai asked quietly after the end of the story, he looked awkward, Chuuya noticed, he had never really met kids with parents but he had been told that they were anomalies, that most children had parents. 

 

“I’ve never really had any, I don’t know what that’s like.” Dazai blinked at him like a frog, it looked weird, he wanted to laugh but the air felt heavy, like this was a heavy topic though he didn’t quite know why.

“I was told they found me in an abandoned hospital with (the thing they put in your veins for perfusions) in my arms, looking shell shocked. I don’t remember any of it but I trust their words.” He scratched his arms through his long shirt, the large scars he had no memory of underneath felt stark and itchy, Kouyou always said it was phantom pain.

 

“That's… sad?” It sounded like a question but Chuuya didn’t have an answer so he shrugged.

 

“Not really, Kouyou was taken in when she escaped from a brothel at 11.” She had explained to him it was a really bad place with really dirty men and that it was one of the most dangerous places to be. Dazai must have known about it because he froze when he heard the words and his face softened ever so slightly.

 

“A few of my colleagues are survivors of child trafficking too.” He said quietly.

 

“You have colleagues? But you’re around my age and I’m still in school!” The nuns had forced them to attend day school the old priest offered, even Kouyou was still learning and she was pretty much an adult.

 

“I’m too old for school, Mori said I had already finished the program of twelve grade and didn’t need school anymore.” Chuuya looked at Dazai with narrowed eyes, maybe there were wrinkles under his bandages.

 

“But I’m 10, you can’t be older than ten.” Dazai was like a snotty and haughty boy, he couldn’t be older than Chuuya. It would be an insult to his big age.

 

“I’m 9. Maybe it’s your fault if you’re not done with school yet.” He said with a smirk, a very annoying smirk. Chuuya wanted to punch him. 

 

“You’re just a meanie, a lying meanie.” Dazai’s smirk fell with a frown and his stare became blank again, he wished he could look into Dazai’s brain and understand all of his reactions.

 

“Those coworkers of yours, where are they?” Dazai looked around, as if just now realising his coworkers weren’t around and vaguely gestured towards the forest.

 

“Somewhere around..there.” He tilted his bust to look around the tree and shrugged when he didn’t find anyone.

 

“They’ll manage. They’re strong kids, Ryu would never let Gin get sick, they probably made it back inside already.” He looked over the trees again, as if a girl and a boy would pop out calling his name.

 

“They’re younger than us?” he questioned, he didn’t think he could leave the younger kids out in the rain and fully believe they would be fine. Three kids drowned two years ago because they were out playing in the heavy rain and fell into a river.

 

Dazai nodded “Ryu is 8 and Gin is 6, but they’re tough, I taught them to survive.” Chuuya frowned, these were his coworkers? the ones who were rescued from a brothel? Maybe they were as tough as Dazai said, if they survived that.

 

“Are they also done with school?” If he said they were, then he would know for sure that Dazai was lying, if that Gin girl was 6 then she was the same age as Q and they had only been reading for eight months, the nuns had called Q a prodigy so it would be impossible for that kid to be smarter than Kouyou. Checkmate Dazai.

 

“No, of course not.” He looked confused at the mere idea that they could be done with school. “Mori made me teach them but they’re just average, according to those books of cognitive studies Mori made me learn at least.”

 

“What are you, then? Some sort of genius?” He only knew of Einstein and Aristotle as geniuses and they’re already dead so Dazai can’t be a genius. 

 

“Yes.” Kouyou had told him city kids were egotistical but he hadn’t thought Dazai was one, considering all the forest around. 

 

“I think your Mori guy lied to you.” Dazai frowned. 

 

“Mori does lie a lot.” He looked at the grass and pulled some of it out of the ground. “Maybe I’m not a genius at all.” 

 

“Maybe you’re not.” Dazai seemed strangely hurt by the notion, he almost felt bad, but Dazai had been a brat and he didn’t feel like being nice to him. Maybe that was the corruption of the devil the nuns had talked about. 

 

“But I’m not a genius either so it’s alright.” He was way too kind to that boy, the nuns would be happy once they got over the whole running away and jumping a fence thing. 

 

“I know you’re not a genius.” Dazai gave him a once over, as if his lack of prowess in school were written all over him.

 

“What does that mean?!” He looked very smart, thank you very much.

 

“You didn’t bring a coat when breaking into someone’s house during a storm.” That was slightly fair.

 

“You didn’t wear a coat either.” Dazai raised an eyebrow and pointed behind him, a bundle of dark fabric laid there.

“That’s even worse, you brought a coat and you’re not wearing it.” Dazai glared at him.

 

“It’s Mori’s coat.” Chuuya had already gotten the fact that Mori meant ‘bad’ in Dazai language, so the fact he would rather suffer from hypothermia than wear something of his wasn’t all that surprising. 

 

 “It’s still stupid.” He decided that whatever Dazai did would be considered stupid. 

 

“You’re stupid.” 

 

“At least I’m not covered in bandages.”

 

“At least I’m not a ginger.” 

 

“That’s misogyny.” 

 

Dazai stopped dead in his tracks. “No, no it’s not.” He looked utterly confused and slightly offended by the notion. “Misogyny is against women, you’re not a woman.” 

 

“Kouyou always said that to end arguments.” Dazai mustn’t know about the definition, well, Chuuya didn’t either but that was fine, if Kouyou said it then he could too. 

 

“Kouyou is a woman, Chuuya.” That was the first time Dazai called him by his name but he decided not to mention it, otherwise he might just take it back. 

 

“And what does it have to do with anything?” Chuuya answered because Dazai was weird and stupid.

 

“What do you mean?! That’s like, the whole point!” Chuuya had decided earlier everything Dazai said was wrong and he would stand by that. 

 

“You’re so stupid! I’m leaving.” Dazai hadn’t even waited for an answer before getting up and marching out into the rain, he made it about fifteen steps down the hill before tripping on a root and falling face first into mud. 

 

“You alright?” Dazai didn’t move, he was probably dead. 

 

“Hey! You good?” He got up and walked to the edge of the protection the tree offered, Dazai had fallen about halfway through the hill, his face was still in the mud, his bandages were getting dirtier by the second. 

 

“Are you dead?” No mouvement, he turned around and grabbed the coat Dazai had left behind, threw it over his head and ventured into the rain towards the still boy. 

 

“Please don’t be dead, I’ll get in trouble if anyone finds out I was there when you died.” He crouched next to Dazai, using the root he had tripped on to stay steady.

 

“Hey, wake up.” He leaned forward and nudged Dazai with his finger.

 

He got even closer to try and check his breathing when a hand darted out of the mud and grabbed his arm, pulling him into the mud. 

 

“Hey! Wha-” Before he had any time to react he received a mouthful of mud, swallowing at least one worm in the process. 

“You big mea-” When he finally got enough grip on the soil to look at Dazai, he was faced with a dirty Dazai laughing wholeheartedly, eyes bright and mouth open wide as he gasped for air. He was wetter than a fish, chunks of mud falling from his hair periodically as he shook, alternating between giggles and full blown guffaws. 

 

He snapped his mouth shut as he watched the boy he had only known for a few hours and who he had assumed was a silent, angry and mouthy boy laugh his heart out just because he had managed to trick Chuuya into falling in mud. 

 

He couldn’t keep his own smile off of his face as he gripped Dazai’s collar and let himself fall backwards, bringing the other with him into a tumble down the hill.

“Let me go, you heathen!” He heard Dazai yell as he gripped his shirt tightly enough to rip.

 

“Never! Down with the revolution!” Dazai let out a high pitched screech and tried to kick him off, without managing at all.

 

“That’s not the right setting to say tha-ah!” They both hit the bottom of the hill with a loud thud and he finally released his grip, laying on the grass and gasping for air as he tried to hide his face from the raindrops.

 

“I hate you.” Dazai grumbled, hitting his face with the strength of a very weak boy, Q could hit with more strength than that. 

 

“You’re the one who tricked me.” He recalled with a smirk, he had finally won an argument, he realised when Dazai gaped at him and shut his mouth slowly with a glare. 

 

Dazai laid his head back down on the grass, laying atop it and not even disturbing the mud where Chuuya was already starting to sink into the thick goo. 

 

They didn’t move for a while, the rain seeping through their clothes, Chuuya was absolutely going to get sick. 

 

“You know, there aren’t any boys my age at my work.” Dazai started, it surprised him, that was something Chuuya would say, Dazai starting a conversation and voluntarily giving information about himself was strange. 

 

“None in my orphanage either.” He had already mentioned it but Dazai just hummed, as if he heard it for the first time ever. 

 

“The ones younger than me Mori makes me teach and the older ones I have to force to fear me.” He looked at the sky, Chuuya wondered if rain fell into his eyes. 

 

“I’m his apprentice, I’m gonna be the boss someday.” 

 

“But you’re so young.” Dazai turned his head towards him.

 

“Maybe.” Dazais eyes seemed to stare right through him.

“The only ones above me are the head of dormitories and Mori.” Chuuya had no clue who the ‘heads of dormitories’ were and it must have shown.

 

“I told you about them earlier, when you still acted like you had any right to be here.” Oh, those were the people Dazai had named earlier.

 

“I know the name of everyone who lives in any of the dormitories, Chuuya, and they all know my name and face.” So he must have known Chuuya had been lying from the very beginning, but still let him ramble on and on like an idiot. 

 

 “It sounds like your orphanage is huge.” 

 

“It’s not an- oh nevermind you’re not gonna learn anyway. It is huge, every kid they find or rescue, they keep.” 

 

“Did they rescue you from somewhere?” He had been very dodgy about the motels earlier, so perhaps he also came from one of those places.

 

“No, no they didn’t. And don’t you dare ask more questions about that.” The second sentence was said quickly and the second Chuuya opened his mouth to ask just that. 

 

Dazai seemed content to talk by himself with no feedback, so Chuuya let him.

“Sometimes I wish someone would treat me like I was just any other boy. Thank you, Chuuya, for making me realise I really don’t want that.” 

 

“You’re welcome?..” Dazai threw a pebble at him, Chuuya critically lacked swear words. 

 

“You’re special, Chuuya, like a very annoying and clingy but weirdly determined cat.” it sounded like a compliment and an awful insult at the same time to Chuuya’s ears. 

 

“I’d rather be a dog.” Cats were scared easily and ate mice, dogs were friendly and ate meat. He liked dogs better. 

 

“Of course you would.” 

 

“What does that mean?!” It sounded like an insult, so it must have been one.

 

“You’re always barking and whining, but I like cats better so that’s what you are.” 

 

“I don’t like cats.” 

 

“Too bad. You’re a cat.” Chuuya didn’t want to be a cat. 

 

“If I was a cat you’d be a rat, and I’d eat you.” Dazai threw another pebble at him, he never seemed to move to search for them so Chuuya raised his bust to look over him, to check for any more pebbles. Dazai had made a pile of pebbles next to his chest. 

 

“That’s my stupid Chuuya pile.” Chuuya took a pebble from the pile and threw it at Dazai.

“You used a stupid Chuuya rock so you’re still stupid.” Dazai said triumphantly. 

 

“Where did you even get so many pebbles?” 

 

“They got under my bandages when you violently threw me off the hill.” That was just dramatic, Chuuya had been careful not to let Dazai get truly hurt. 

 

“I didn’t throw you, I gently took you down.”

 

“You screamed ‘For the Revolution’.” 

 

“It was gentle.” 

 

“You’re crazy.”

 

“You wear more bandages than clothes, I’m not the crazy one.”

 

“Yeah? Well you’re sinking into the soil like a dirty slug.” 

 

“What the heck?! I’m not a slug!’ 

 

“Slugcat, you’re a slugcat.” 

 

“You’re just trying to annoy me on purpose.” He had to remember to regulate his emotions, even if Dazai was enraging to an impossible point, he had to surpass himself. 

 

Chuuya lowered himself to the ground again, feeling the wet grass transferring their water to his clothes, he felt the raindrops hitting his face, Dazai eyes were closed, but he didn’t seem bothered by the rain in the slightest, his face serene now that the argument had apparently ended. The calm of their surroundings slowly swept away Chuuya’s fury and he found himself feeling comfortable in the too cold rain with his too annoying companion. 

 

Dazai was a serene presence, when he thought of it, in between all the arguments he had nearly forgotten the reason he had run all the way here, he had been distracted from his awful birthday. 

 

“It’s my birthday, today.” He didn’t know why he said that, maybe because he had thought of it and wanted Dazai to be linked to his life outside of the rain and outside of the weeping willow, for him to know him outside of the fence he had jumped.

 

“Is it?” Dazai didn’t move his head, his eyebrows didn’t twitch in acknowledgment, only his words betraying Chuuya had been heard. 

 

“Yeah, I turned 10, I’m a big boy now.” He didn’t flex or brag like he usually did at the orphanage, he simply said it, maybe he sounded a bit sad, even to his own ears. 

 

“You said you were 10 earlier, but you’re really not much older than I am. I’m turning 10 in two months.” Dazai let out a small huff of laughter, the information seemed especially pleasing to him

 

Chuuya didn’t answer, he felt slightly offended, he had expected compassion that he was spending his birthday in the rain, nevermind that he had done that to himself, but Dazai only mocked him.

 

“Happy birthday, Chuuya.” It took him by surprise and he turned his head towards Dazai who had been looking back at him but turned the second he was looked at. He seemed as uncomfortable as Chuuya thought he would be when wishing him a happy birthday. 

 

“Thank you, Dazai.” Dazai finally got up from his spot on the grass, not even bothering to dust himself of the dirt on his clothes, he offered his hand to Chuuya, who looked at it in surprise, Dazai had looked like he would bite his head off when Chuuya had tried to warm him by squeezing their shoulders together.

 

Chuuya grabbed his hand and used it to haul himself up, though Dazai seemed to be struggling not to fall over, he would have felt offended about his weight if Dazai didn’t look like he’d struggle to lift a slightly heavier than average stick. 

When they were both up, he noticed Dazai’s fringe was plastered to the bandages covering his eye, he wanted to separate them, his fingers itched with it, but his hand was still held tightly in Dazai’s and he might just actually bite his head off if he tried to forgo the warnings Dazai had clearly displayed. 

 

When he thought Dazai would release his hand to do whatever he had gotten up for, he simply tugged him back up towards the hill. His eyes stayed trained on Chuuya, only when Chuuya got tired of being tugged and walked ahead did Dazai start looking forward as well, their hands still intertwined. 

 

They passed by the patch of soil they had slipped on, walking around it to avoid a renewal of the previous accident. Once they reached the tree, Dazai walked to the discarded coat, leaving Chuuya to do nothing at the top of the hill, he walked over to the tree, it was strong and robust, the wood felt rough against his calloused hands from physical labour at the orphanage, it was old but the leaves didn’t reach the grass, they reached to a point higher than Chuuya that he couldn’t reach even as he lifted his hand to attempt to grab at one of them. He didn’t get on his tippy toes, because Dazai was still there and despite his intense rummaging in the coat, he could be paying attention. 

 

“There it is!” Dazai exclaimed, holding something seemingly small in his closed hands. 

He walked back over to Chuuya, who had tucked his hands behind his back, attempting to disguise his miserable attempt at grabbing a leaf. 

 

“What do you have?” Dazai brought his hand forward and Chuuya briefly wondered if he was about to be handed a bug, but despite how strange Dazai was he didn’t think the boy would have pockets full of bugs. 

 

“Your birthday gift.” When he opened his hands a handful of candies, maybe ten, were in his grip.

“You mentioned your orphanage was poor, so I thought some candies would be nice.” He averted his gaze. “I usually have some candy for Ryuu and Gin, whenever they do something good.” Chuuya put his hands forward with a blank expression, Dazai deposited the candies inside. “I didn’t have any prior notice, considering you broke into this place, so that’s what you get.” He was trying very hard to seem nonchalant, Chuuya could tell, even through the tears clouding his eyes as he held the small sugary foods reverently. 

 

“Are you crying?” Dazai leaned back, looking confused as ever and not just a little uncomfortable.

 

“It’s just..I’ve never seen so many candies at once…” He stopped to wipe the tears from his eyes. “And you’re the second person today to wish me a happy birthday..”

 

“But.. the day is almost over and aren’t there a bunch of people in your orphanage?” Dazai looked miffed by his words, like he couldn’t imagine someone not having a birthday present or at least kind words.

“A boy threw up during the night so the nuns were busy and-” 

 

“But that’s just stupid!” Dazai frowned, staring with all the righteousness of a 9 year old. “It’s your birthday, you should at least receive presents… Even the worst kids receive presents where I live.” 

 

“Why do you think I left?” Chuuya kept the candies tightly held in his hands, just in case they would disappear into thin air if he didn’t. “I’m not going back, they forgot my birthday.”

 

“But aren’t they your family? Or whatever.” Chuuya stopped dead in the beginning of his rant. 

 

“They are..” 

 

“And your Kouyou?” Chuuya closed his mouth, he hadn’t thought past the fact he didn’t want to be around anyone today after being forgotten like that. 

 

The rain had slightly let up, now more of a trickle of rain than the heavy storm it had been, with a few clouds leaving place to the sky, he could see the sun was starting to set. 

 

“Do you think I should go back?” He looked back at Dazai, who shrugged.

 

“Well, I’m not bringing you to Mori, that’s for sure.” Chuuya nodded in agreement, from Dazai’s brief mention of the man, he wasn’t keen on meeting him. 

 

“I’ll go soon.” He decided, but before that.

 

“What are you doing?!” A high pitched screech came from the younger boy as Chuuya hugged him close.

 

“Thank you. For the gift and for wishing me a happy birthday.” 

“You’re welcome..” Dazai slowly brought his arms up, not really into a returned hug but more so to awkwardly pat Chuuya’s  back.

 

A high pitched whistling noise rang through the forest and Dazai’s head snapped up like he had been shocked, jumping away from Chuuya’s hold.

 

“I need to go, Mori is calling.” He frowned in the direction the noise had come from, like he knew exactly the face his guardian made while calling.

 

“I should return as well, the nuns must be scared out of their minds for me..” They would probably spank him when he returned but he wouldn't tell Dazai that, he liked the small amount of credibility he had. 

 

“I’ll see you soon, Dazai. We’ll meet here.” He smiled as Dazai stared at him blankly for a while before nodding.

He jogged down the hill, jumping over the mud where Dazai and him had tumbled down the grass until he could start running on solid ground to the fences. He didn’t turn around on the assumption that Dazai would be there whenever the nuns let him back out.

 

He had been right, the nuns had been more than upset, but they hadn’t smacked him, they were way too busy thanking the Lord for bringing him back safe and sound despite the heavy rains. 

 

He had taken the time to hide the candies under his mattress, it seemed too precious to eat just now. 

 

He returned two days later, after having slipped out of sight while everyone was collecting herbs after the rains, he had jumped the fence a lot more graciously only to find the tree void of Dazai. And then a day later to the same result and again and again for two weeks.
At the second week mark of waiting nearly all day for the other boy, he ventured towards the manor in the middle of the forest, but when he tried to get into a window to search for Dazai, a man with the blondest hair he had ever seen came out of the main door and started yelling at him, calling him things like ‘vermin’ ‘rat’ and so much more. He gave up on the mansion and continued going to the tree for two more weeks before giving up on Dazai. 

 

He wondered for a while if the boy of dark hair, even darker eyes and dirty bandages had just been a figment of his imagination, a way for his mind to cope with being left out on his birthday. Just like the people Q claimed to see constantly, even when Chuuya saw nothing there. 

He dropped that theory when he raised his mattress and found the candies intact if a bit mushed under it.

 

Despite his proven existence, he obviously wouldn’t be seeing him at the tree again, the other boy would have come to by himself if he ever wanted to meet again, he decided with anger at the boy who had thrown pebbles at him and gifted him candy with the darkest and blankest stare he had ever seen. 

Chapter 2: The Orphanage

Summary:

A year later, a meeting of faith and fate.

Notes:

It's me and the 0 kudos against the world. If you're reading this, thank you for giving this fic a change! <3

Dazai didn’t know where he was, not really at least. 

 

He knew he was in a forest and he knew there was a tree above him, if only because the sun wasn’t hurting his eyes like it usually did. 

 

He couldn’t see clearly, he didn’t remember the last time he distinguished leaves from one another or a bush from the grass. 

Mori had said it was to hone his instincts, to stop him from relying on his sight like common people. He didn’t care much whether he was common or not, but maybe he wouldn’t say that if he was common, he didn’t care to know. 

 

This place was familiar, the thin branches of the tree falling over the grass of the hill, was he on a hill? 

He sat on the grass, it felt wet on his pants. He hated the sensation. He didn’t move, maybe his pants would dry by themselves. No one would yell at him for coming back wet anyway, no one ever did. 

 

He waited. He didn’t know what for. He hadn’t been here for a year, the constant moving Mori made them undergo took that long to make a full rotation, or so he thought. Maybe he had never been here at all. 

 

He stared at the hill, towards where he knew the fence separating the mansion from the outside world stood. Huh, so he had been here before. 

 

It felt like something was meant to come. It might be death. He hoped it was and wished it wasn’t.
He didn’t want to die, but it simply felt like there was nothing else he could be waiting for. 

Nothing came for the longest time. The grass had dried from the morning dew he had sat on, and he could put his hand on it without wanting to cut it off at the cold feeling. 

His mind felt blurry, just like his vision, but he paid it no mind. Fighting it only gave him headaches.
His bandages itched, but not as much as the grass, so he let them be. 

As his head rested against the tree trunk, he felt tired, he wanted to sleep.

He woke up to the rustling of grass, his senses honed to hear the slightest shift around him no matter if he was awake or asleep, injured or healthy. His eyes opened warily, maybe this was what was meant to come. What he had been hopelessly waiting for. 

There was someone walking up the hill, walking was an understatement, they were sprinting.

 

The first glance he got of them felt like a breath of fresh air, orange hair, the most orange he had never seen. Even through the blur of his eyes the color sprang out next to the dull green of the forest. 

 

He knew that boy, it felt like he had seen him before. Like he was so important Dazai should feel shame for forgetting him, but Dazai didn’t feel shame, he never felt anything. 

 

As he stared at the boy, trying to figure him out, to understand who he was and what he did. The other seemed to be doing the same, or so he thought, until he was punched in the shoulder. 

 

His head hit the back of the tree out of shock, he had been trained to fight men five times bigger than the boy in front of him but he hadn’t expected to be hit like that by the other boy. The ginger fell to the side slightly, like he had been aiming for Dazai’s chest instead of his shoulder and wasn’t used to hitting someone, probably accentuated by the fact that Dazai was sitting and Chuuya was standing. 

His mouth was moving, words reaching Dazai’s ears uselessly as the boy righted himself, he was small, around the same height as Dazai. 

 

“-Are you listening, Dazai?!” Dazai wasn’t. He was trying to remember who this boy was, he knew everyone he lived with, and this wasn’t one of them. He knew Dazai, and Dazai knew him. As strange as that was. 

 

“You left last year! When you promised we would meet here again!” That’s when it clicked, Dazai’s brain kicked into action at the reminder, this was Chuuya. The idiot who had insulted him and played with him a year ago, the only one who had ever played with him. 

 

“Chuuya.” The boy in question was breathing heavily, just like he had all those years ago when he had been caught up in his stories, forgetting to breathe. 

 

“What.” Dazai wasn’t childish, that kind of behaviour had been forced out of him from his youngest age. Yet, he still couldn’t help himself feeling giddy at the orange shape he knew to be Chuuya’s head. 

 

“I never promised we would meet here again, you did.” He finally remembered, everything hitting him with the force of a whip. 

When Chuuya had told him they would meet again, he had felt too bad to tell him that he was leaving the next day. Even though Dazai should never feel bad and he had never felt bad enough to act on his remorse. That day he had. 

 

“Uh? What- It’s obvious I was expecting to see you again!” Chuuya stepped forward and Dazai didn’t stop him, even though he should have. Chuuya had thrown him in mud before, he might just do it again. 

 

“And stop looking at me like that!” Chuuya had been so hesitant around him when they had first met, where had that gone? 

 

“Chuuya should think about others more often. I never told Chuuya I would see him here again.” He couldn’t help himself from repeating the name over and over again, even if Chuuya froze slightly each and every time. 

 

How could he have forgotten the name of someone so expressive, Dazai could make out his feelings despite the blur in his eyes. He wanted to force himself to remember that name, to anchor it in his mind. 

 

“That’s just mean! I waited for you! Every day!” Did he? Dazai remembered to blink and his vision focused for a second before blurring again. Enough to see a red faced and teary eyed Chuuya staring back at him. 

 

“Why would you?” He didn’t actually mean it, he didn’t know why he asked. The words just left his mouth without his consent. 

 

“Because I thought you would be back. Eventually. But you never came back.” 

That was true enough, he hadn’t returned. Then why was Chuuya in front of him?

“I don’t even know why I came here today!” Chuuya seemed to have read his mind. “It’s my birthday and I came to this stupid tree because I hoped you’d be there and for some reason you are!” Chuuya really seemed to have matured a lot since last year, Dazai wondered where that had come from. 

 

“Happy birthday, Chuuya.” He didn’t have as many qualms about saying it as he had the previous year, maybe he had also matured. 

 

“Thank you.” Chuuya grumbled, like there was gravel in his mouth which he was chewing as he talked. Maybe he was. Chuuya wasn’t too smart, he remembered that too. 

 

“I’m still upset with you.” Of course he was.

“Why didn’t you come back last year?” 

 

“I told you Mori never let us stay at the same place for long.” At least he thought he did.

 

“No you didn’t.” 

 

“Yes, I did.” He probably didn’t, all things considered, but maybe Chuuya really had forgotten. It’s not like there was a book containing everything they had said that day so he could check. 

 

“No you didn’t!” It was no use arguing with an angry Chuuya, but he just couldn’t help himself from pushing his buttons. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten him, when he was so colorful and alive. 

 

“Chuuya just has a bad memory, it’s alright to be old.” He forced his mouth to pull up into a mocking grin. He probably looked so stupid, he had never really smiled but making a mess of himself was worth it to see the upset frown on Chuuya's face. So widely open and expressive. 

 

“I’m only eleven! You’re just two months younger!” Chuuya remembered that. Dazai could feel his eyebrows pull into a frown, much to Chuuya’s ignorance. Who was just fuming at him. If smoke came out of his ears, his hair would truly look like a fire. What had Dazai been thinking about?

 

He must have spent too long staring, because Chuuya was bouncing on his feet, just like he did a year ago when Dazai attempted to ignore him. He surprised himself at remembering this detail. 

 

“Do you wanna hear about what happened during the year?” Dazai nodded. At least it would distract Chuuya while Dazai got his mind in order. It always felt so jumbled lately. 

 

Chuuya talked on and on about things Dazai half listened to, like the fact a few of the sheep children were taken into the city to be adopted and numerous stories about the child he called Q, he couldn’t help himself but curse his eyes for refusing to focus, Chuuya had sat down after complaining about Dazai's looks. ‘You just look like those bugs with big eyes from up here!’ so Dazai should have been able to see him more precisely, but his eyes still refused to focus on the gazes full of emotion he thought he remembered him having, or on the blue of his eyes or were they brown? He didn’t remember.

 

“And then, Kouyou told me that the river didn’t have fish but I already knew that-” Dazai pulled his knees up to his chest as he watched Chuuya, it didn’t feel any different as it did a year ago, how could it? When only a day had passed of knowing one another. 

 

He liked listening to Chuuya’s voice, it felt like having a friend. It was nothing like how his subordinate addressed him or the strange tone Mori used that he would never be able to name. 

 

“...And then they burned the books which the nuns really weren’t happy about-” He wanted to fall asleep there, he hadn’t relaxed like that in a long time. The world could stop now and he would be alright with it, or it could have stopped yesterday, or the day before or any day and he would have been fine. He wasn’t complicated about these things. 

 

Dazai also read books, like the Q child, a lot of them. He never related to any, they were either too emotional or too stupid. 

Nothing ever felt human like he wanted it to. Back then, Mori had said he was too young to understand the grayscale of the human mind, Dazai had told him the human mind would forever be out of his comprehension, Mori had agreed. 

 

Chuuya had stopped talking, Dazai hadn’t been paying attention long enough to tell if he was catching his breath, thinking or upset at Dazai’s lack of listening skills. 

 

Dazai felt like he knew nothing in that moment, like being a genius was nothing when being faced with not knowing something so simple. 

 

Then Chuuya started talking again and he realised he had been stupid. 

 

Chuuya was brushing off on him. 

 

“-And I got an apple, even though I didn’t deserve one.” Dazai didn’t know what Chuuya was talking about, probably something stupid. 

 

“Apples aren’t something to earn, are they?” 

 

“Well at the orphanage, we don’t get fresh fruits often, mostly those dried up ones that taste weird, so when we go to the apple yard, everyone gets one apple.” 

 

“And you got one?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Then Chuuya is being stupid.” he decided arbitrarily, because Chuuya was and he should know it even if Dazai hadn’t listened to the entire story. 

 

“You’re being stupid.” Chuuya threw a handful of grass at him, Dazai watched as the grass fell to the ground between them, not getting even close to hitting him.

 

“That was very-” 

 

“I know.” Chuuya sounded ready to cry, maybe he was, Dazai couldn’t really see it. 

 

He wanted to tell him it was okay, maybe pat him on the back and comfort him like he had seen some of the kids do to one another as he looked out his window, absently wondering what they were doing down in the courtyard, but he couldn’t get himself to move, his fingers felt unnatural whenever he tried to use them to be gentle and he didn’t want Chuuya to see that. 

 

He stared at Chuuya, who was eyeing the grass in disdain. 

“You’re just lucky I only had grass at hand.” Chuuya puffed up his chest, and out of the goodness of his heart, Dazai ignored the gravel at Chuuya’s side. 

 

---

 

“How are Gin and Ryuu doing?” Dazai had been staring at the clouds moving for a few minutes now, Chuuya having told him he needed a minute to recall the story he was telling. 

 

It took him a few seconds to understand what Chuuya was asking, and when he did he shrugged, his bandages digging into his shoulders as he did so. 

 

“I haven’t seen them in a while, they’re training under someone else currently.” 

 

Chuuya nodded at him and Dazai nodded back awkwardly, he didn’t know what more Chuuya wanted from him. 

 

Chuuya sighed and kicked at the grass, his worn out shoes digging into the grass as he upheaved the dried up blades. 

 

Dazai always wondered how someone could switch emotions so quickly, maybe it was his fault, he didn’t understand Chuuya much and probably didn’t reach his expectations of what he wanted as a ‘friend’. 

It wasn’t like Dazai had a lot of experience in the social department, Ryuu and Gin had been taken from his custody and Mori had been keeping him locked up for a while now. 

 

He had only been allowed a stroll because Mori had told him he needed some alone time, which meant he was going to discuss Dazai with the other heads of dormitories. He always hated the time during their discussions, never knowing if they would extend his leash or shorten it so much he wouldn’t be able to walk around without feeling it digging into his neck. 

 

He turned to look at Chuuya, only to find him staring back, knees raised up to his chin and eyes as wide as always as he stared at Dazai. 

 

He expected him to turn away, or maybe to throw a jab at him but Chuuya just smiled at him slightly. 

Dazai tried to smile back, no one had smiled at him for a very long time and he wasn’t sure how to return it, it probably came out as a grimace. 

 

“You look stupid.” Chuuya said quietly, there was the jab he had been expecting. 

 

“I can’t look as stupid as Chuuya does.” The boy in question scrunched up his nose, dragging Dazai’s gaze to notice the freckles there. That’s when he realised Chuuya had inched considerably closer while he hadn’t been paying attention, the blur that had been Chuuya up until now looked more distinct than it had been. He could make out his iris from the blue and brown of his eyes and marveled at the realisation. 

 

“I don’t look stupid, Kouyou said I was a handsome boy.” Dazai blinked as Chuuya’s mouth moved to form words, refocusing on the conversation at hand. He could barely focus, too preoccupied by the realization that for the first time in quite a while, he could see a bit more clearly. Fresh air must really do wonders for the health like some of his books specified, it usually always felt cutting against his skin but he could suffer through that if it meant he could see the mix of ginger and blue in front of him. 

 

He couldn’t bring himself to tell Chuuya he was ugly when his hair rested so beautifully against his cheeks and his eyes were so sharp when he glared at him. Dazai’s eyes were always empty when he stared at them in the mirror, while Chuuya’s eyes were brilliant and full of life. 

 

“I guess not..” Dazai lowered his gaze to the grass again, he didn’t like how bright Chuuya looked. It made Dazai feel like those VHS tapes Mori loved so much in comparison. Dull and incomprehensible through incessant static. 

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Chuuya's had a little incredulous smile on his lips but Dazai couldn’t focus on it, his gaze traced the shape of Chuuya's miscoloured eyes as they stared curiously at him and the way his hair looked so much brighter in the sun than it had in the rain, framing his freckled face. Chuuya had freckles, and wasn’t that an amazing discovery? It had been too dark to tell the last time he had seen him. 

 

 

“Dazai?” Chuuya sounded all ruffled and when Dazai finally paid attention to the boy behind the freckled face, he was met with a brooding Chuuya, eyes accusating.

“Chuuya.” Perhaps he had been a bit too ignorant, Mori always told him he should never stoop so low as to care about others feelings. 

Chuuya was just so open with his feelings, Dazai wanted to disobey Mori for another reason than his usual contradictory nature. 

 

“Will you stop looking at me like that? I know my eyes are weird.” Chuuya was flushed, the color rising under his freckles, making them harder to notice against his skin. Dazai was peeved at the reaction, even more so at the insult. 

 

“I know what heterochromia is, Chuuya.” How dare Chuuya think Dazai was so uncultured as to not know what such a simple biological phenomenon as heterochromia was. He was very educated and learning more daily. 

 

“I know that you know!” Surprisingly enough. “It’s just.. the nuns always tell me it’s such a gift, because my eyes can ward off evil spirits but then when anything bad happens they look at me weird.” 

Chuuya stopped a few times while talking, Dazai didn’t know if it was because he was remembering a bad experience or if he was struggling with his words. 

 

Dazai looked closer, he had thought Chuuya’s eyes had one color in each eye, but on top of complete heterochromia he had noticed, he saw central heterochromia of each color. He didn’t know that was possible. 

 

“I thought people with heterochromia could see into the future, I mean in folklore.” Dazai didn’t want Chuuya to think he believed in these things, because he didn’t. They were stupid and childish. Dazai wouldn’t tell Chuuya that though, he probably still believed in things like father christmas and the tooth fairy.

 

“I never heard of that, the nuns always said that people with heterochromia were a gift from the lord to ward off the evil of the world because their eyes were half human, half heavenly.” 

Chuuya didn’t look proud of the fact, in fact he curled up into himself.

 

“How do they know it’s not half devilish? You don’t seem all that heavenly.” It was a lie, if he ever had to imagine a folklore angel, it would probably look like Chuuya. Sun kissed, bright and energetic. 

Chuuya flinched at his words, his teeth gritted, but he didn’t berate Dazai, or even insult him as he would have expected. 

 

“Sometimes I wonder. Maybe I’m cursed and the nuns don’t dare tell me.” Dazai wanted to laugh at the notion, Chuuya was as uncursed as they came.

 

“Or maybe I’m just.. not human.” Dazai made a face, Chuuya was so very human it was near painful to witness. 

 

“I mean, I don’t remember my life before the orphanage and they couldn’t find any information about me, the only reason I know my name is actually Chuuya is because the letters were written on the bracelet they found me with along with numbers.” Dazai wondered when Chuuya got so comfortable as to tell him such private information, it felt wrong, especially since Chuuya’s tone was getting wetter with every word. 

The very idea seemed distressing to the other boy, while Dazai had accepted he wasn’t human years ago. 

Chuuya looked paler than he had a minute ago. He wiped the tears that had accumulated on his lower eyelid. 

 

“I’m sure the nuns would have already thrown Chuuya out if he was cursed.” Chuuya sniffled and nodded. It wasn’t reassuring in the slightest, Dazai knew, but he didn’t know what else to say to alleviate the situation. 

 

“What if they’re waiting until my demonic side shows up?” 

 

“Have you been reading the books of that child you told me about?” Dazai had been moderately interested in those stories, if only because that child seemed similar to him in short mentions he had received through Chuuya’s eyes. 

 

“Q? I mean, yeah, it helps them sleep.” Dazai nodded, it made sense, Chuuya was easily impressionable after all. 

 

“Those sheeps sound much more like devils than Chuuya does, and your nuns like them well enough. Chuuya has nothing to worry about.” Dazai let the annoyance seep through his tone, no matter how much Chuuya seemed to try and paint them in a good light, the sheeps sounded like self centered assholes to him. 

 

Chuuya fiddled with the hem of his shirt, he had forgone a coat once more, while Dazai was fully bundled up, a heavy coat with a sweater underneath–he still felt cold nonetheless– Chuuya was wearing nearly nothing, thin shorts that looked like they could belong in any time period and a worn cotton shirt. 

 

“What does that have to do with Q’s books?”

Dazai sighed, Chuuya was evidently unable to keep up with his way of thinking. “Chuuya isn’t a devil, because devils are from fairytales.” He explained very slowly. “-even if you were, those kids you call the sheep would have already been brought back to hell by now.” Dazai surprised himself and probably the blades of grass as well by how talkative he was being, he would usually half heartedly listen to Chuuya talk while he thought about one thing or another. Today, though, he wanted to let Chuuya in on his inner thinking, if no one else could. It’s not like the boy could understand anything he was saying besides surface level thoughts. 

 

The thought made him realise how outward he was being, Mori would hate it if he saw him like that. 

 

“Are you saying I’m influ- influanceble- influencable?” 

 

“Yes, Chuuya, I am saying you’re influenceable by fantasy stories if you think you’re a devil because of some meagre coincidences.” 

 

“You’re wrong. I don’t even know why I told you about that, of course you wouldn’t get it.” Dazai felt deeply offended by the very idea that there was anything he couldn’t understand if he put his mind to it, which he did for once. 

 

“What does that mean?!” He sat up straight to glare at Chuuya, who must have grown since he last saw him–or maybe had a really tall bust since they were both sitting– because Chuuya was slightly taller than him, even when Dazai sat up straight instead of his usual slouched position. 

 

“It means you wouldn’t get it, mister finished school before everyone else.” Chuuya stuck his tongue out at him. Dazai wanted to cut it off. 

 

“I get it. Chuuya is just too stupid.’’

 

“To understand my own mind?” Chuuya questioned, turning slightly red, Dazai was winning, he could tell. 

 

“Yes.” Chuuya’s buttons felt bright and shiny under his fingertips, just begging to be pressed again and again until they were worn down and lost their color. 

 

Chuuya went off into a tirade Dazai didn’t bother tuning in to, it felt repetitive. 

Chuuya always went off in tangents whenever Dazai pushed him a little too hard, but he never regretted it, if only because eventually he would find a point in Chuuya’s dialogue to tease him about. 

 

It wasn’t like he was entirely ignoring him, he still listened half heartedly. He just couldn’t help his mind wandering off to future assignments despite his best efforts at staying focused. He wasn’t trying all that hard either.

 

---

 

“You know, I’m still upset with you.” Dazai refocused on Chuuya’s words, he had been listening, or so he thought until Chuuya stared at him accusingly. 

 

“For not listening to you talk?” He wasn’t the most focused person, Chuuya should have realised that by now. 

 

“For leaving me alone! You said you had no friends either and then you left!” He didn’t understand that, why should it matter whether or not he had friends. He left because he left. There’s nothing more to it. He would leave again. 

 

What was Chuuya even talking about? Had he been talking about his feelings just then? Dazai was glad he hadn’t been listening. 

 

“I already told you it was because of Mori and even then, you’re just a kid who keeps on invading private property, we’re not friends!” Dazai wasn’t nearly as upset as he made himself out to be but it felt like he was on the precipice of a dangerous edge he didn’t want to fall off of– Chuuya could talk about things like ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions’ all he wanted but Dazai would never stoop so low as to return the humanity Chuuya emanated at all times.

 

Chuuya opened his mouth a few times, no noise coming out before getting to his feet. 

“I know we’re not friends! I’d never be friends with a meanie like you.” And he stalked off, actually stalked off. Dazai watched him go numbly. He wasn’t upset over Chuuya leaving. He wasn’t. 

 

He wouldn’t apologize to someone as childish as Chuuya. He wouldn’t apologize to anyone. Ever.

..

….

……

He got up and followed after him. 

Only because Chuuya was emotional and he needed someone to regulate him. 

 

Chuuya was stomping away, but Dazai was fast and well trained. In barely a minute he was walking next to Chuuya who was looking straight ahead and probably ignoring him.

 

“Chuuya is being a bit dramatic.” Dazai muttered, which earned him an angry exhale, so Chuuya did know he was right there. He was surprised at himself for pushing Chuuya’s buttons, with anyone else he would have been more than happy to be left alone under the tree. Here he was now, following like a mutt. 

 

“Maybe I could have listened a bit more carefully.” He tried to extend a branch of apology towards Chuuya but was promptly ignored as the younger boy started walking faster, nearly sprinting. 

 

He felt like Chuuya was toying with him. He still followed. Because Chuuya was bright and loud and light, and Dazai wanted to feel that warmth against his skin if he couldn’t make his own. 

 

“Dazai is stupid!” He heard Chuuya yell as he hurried after him, he had a surprisingly good stamina. Dazai kept up only thanks to his lack of self preservation. His sickly body is capable of enduring more than it should thanks to his icy mind. 

 

“Chuuya is the one running away” He yelled back, hurrying his steps, he felt the grass give way under his feet as he stepped over it. His breath quickened but Chuuya didn’t slow down. 

 

Dazai felt his blood run cold when he was faced with the towering fence Mori had required to be installed around the property when he had bought it a few years back. His skin felt itchy and he wanted to run from it. Everything in him screamed to turn back, to return to Mori’s side like the perfect ward and forget he had ever seen Chuuya. 

 

Chuuya had already started climbing the fence with practiced ease, as he must have done many times while looking for Dazai. 

 

“Are you coming, you fish?” Chuuya was sitting on top of the fence, looking down at Dazai, frozen in his spot, feet anchored in the grass. He couldn’t follow. Not because Mori would murder him, that would never happen, he was too precious. Because he couldn’t leave the realm around the mansion. It was too close to escape, a wish that had been talked out of his mind years ago. 

 

“Chuuya should just come back down and return to the tree.” He tried, taking a few steps back towards safety, far far away from the great beyond. 

 

“Come on, Dazai! It’s my birthday and you were so mean to me!”

 

….Had Chuuya pretended to be upset to guilt Dazai into following him back here? 

No, Chuuya wasn’t smart enough for that. It must simply be a coincidence. 

 

“Why would I go with Chuuya? He is the one complaining about having no friends, and here he is, leaving me behind.” Dazai looked at him intensely, willing him to come back down but Chuuya just stuck his tongue out at him and started descending the fence. On the opposite side. 

 

“You could just follow me!” Chuuya grinned at him through the fence, seemingly devoid of any anger towards Dazai now that he had gotten him where he wanted. Dazai frowned at him, was he being manipulated? 

 

The sun was still pretty high in the sky, he probably had two or three hours until sunset.

He looked back towards the mansion; if he wandered out of the fence, there was little chance to hear Mori’s whistle if it rang through the forest. It was risky to follow Chuuya out. 

Mori would be livid if Dazai didn’t return within twenty minutes of his whistle.
But Mori had also told him he could stay out until sunset as long as he didn’t wander too far out. 

 

Dazai had never been one to follow orders. He looked at Chuuya through the wires of the fence. Mori didn’t have to know how far Dazai wandered that day. Because Dazai wasn’t Mori’s pawn. 

 

He started climbing the fence, Chuuya bounced on the ball of his feet.

“I’ll show you to Kouyou and Q!” He exclaimed excitedly. Dazai wanted to die at the idea of meeting new people. One exotic ball of energy was more than enough for him.

 

“I hope Q stabs you in your sleep.” He muttered– to which Chuuya gasped in offense– and continued his ascent. When he reached the top, he realised he didn’t really feel like climbing down, his hands were red and scuffed from the climb up.

“Catch me, Chuuya.” He said calmly, but Chuuya heard him through the calm of the forest and waved his arms in a no gesture as Dazai inched forward and let himself slip from the fence. 

 

“That hurts.” Chuuya didn’t catch him. He had simply opened his arms forward like it would do anything as Dazai hit the grass with a resounding thud. He didn’t hear a crack at least, Dazai raised his head to glare at an open mouthed Chuuya.

 

“Chuuya! Do you know what ‘catch’ means?!” Maybe he was too used to the obedience of his subordinates but Chuuya could have at least tried to catch him instead of standing there uselessly. He had even nicely given Chuuya a warning before falling. 

 

“I just-” Dazai got up on shaky legs, he wasn’t hurt except for a few bruises he could walk off easily. 

 

“Whatever, Chuuya is too stupid for simple instructions.” He dusted himself off, plucking the grass blades off of his pants. He had half expected not to be caught so he had braced for impact. It was worth it to avoid the climb down.

He stared at Chuuya. Chuuya stared back before turning on his heels and walking into what looked to be a random direction to Dazai. Every step he took felt like a pin stabbing into his back. He steadily ignored the sensation as he followed Chuuya through the foliage. He wouldn’t back down.

 

“So.. This is your orphanage?” Dazai questioned, it was still pretty far away but he could already discern children running around and teens hanging laundry on a thick rope. It made his stomach turn. 

 

“Yeah! I know it’s pretty small but it’s very nice, you’ll see.” It was small, at least ten times smaller than the smallest house he had ever resided in. And there were so many children.
He knew objectively there were a lot more back at the mansion, but they were all well trained and knew not to make too much noise. The children here looked near feral, kicking through the grass and running at one another. 

 

“I don’t think Chuuya knows what ‘nice’ is.” He muttered, keeping close to the other boy, glaring at the children as they walked the path to the decrepit house, it didn’t seem big enough to house all of the little things running around. 

 

There were whispers all around him and he hated it. “Can Chuuya tell them to stop prattling?” He questioned, glaring at all them, they withered slightly under his gaze but started up again the second they were out of his sight. 

 

“What?” Chuuya turned back to question him, causing Dazai to bump into his back, too preoccupied with avoiding the germs of the children around him to keep an eye on Chuuya. 

 

“Nevermind. Why am I here?” He jumped when a child bumped into him before just.. continuing to run around with her little friends. This was very weird and he decidedly did not like it.

 

“Right, right!” Chuuya led the way to the group of teens hanging clothing until they found themselves in front of a woman, probably around her early twenties, Dazai reckoned.

Chuuya smiled at her and she turned to him, putting a head on his head affectionately. Dazai bristled at the action, reminding him of Mori's condescending pats. 

 

“Chuuya,” her voice was a lower pitch than he had thought it would be, she nearly sounded rough and her gaze significantly hardened when it landed on Dazai looking at her defiantly. “Who is that boy? Did you find him in the woods?” She looked back at Chuuya, who stood proud and tall. Dazai thought he looked like a parading peacock. 

 

“Kouyou! No he’s from-” Dazai bumped into him and kicked his knee, which Kouyou obviously noticed as her gaze trailed down to where Chuuya was rubbing at his calf. 

 

“I live in the city. I simply happened to come by here and met Chuuya.” He extended his hand, which Kouyou grasped without hesitation. 

 

“I see.” She eyed Dazai warily, but in the end he was still a kid, which she seemed to accept as she released her hold and sighed. 

 

“Just don’t cause any trouble and be gone by dinner time, we don’t need an extra mouth to feed.” She turned back to her laundry, leaving the two boys to their own volition. 

“....” Chuuya was still glaring at Dazai, which he ignored in favour of looking around. “Where’s that child you told me about?” 

 

“Q? Probably in their room.” Chuuya straightened up from where he had been rubbing his calf, following Dazai into the building. 

 

“What do you think of this place, Dazai?” Dazai spared him a look, Chuuya looked around like he was seeing the orphanage for the first time as well. 

 

“I think it’s small and badly taken care of.” He answered honestly, for which Chuuya punched his shoulder.

 

“Chuuya is violent like a dog.” He exclaimed, stopping in his tracks dead, a few children running past them in the hallway Dazai assumed housed the rooms. 

 

“Dogs aren’t violent! They’re cute puppies!” Chuuya looked red, with his cheeks puffed. 

 

“Dogs are slobbery, aggressive and needy. Chuuya is the perfect fit.” Chuuya might be a slug for his intellect but he was a dog for his personality. Dazai hated dogs– too annoyingly loyal and awaiting praise at all times for his peace of mind– so it fit Chuuya even more. 

 

“Dogs are adorable!” Chuuya retorted with all the grace of an angry 11 years old. 

 

“Of course Chuuya would think that.” Dazai turned his back to him and continued heading in a random direction. 

 

Only to bump into a child, Dazai looked down and was met with black eyes mirroring his own and hair half white half brown. Well, it wasn’t half, more like a very big strip of white hair on the front, but it looked like half from how it was parted on their head. 

 

The little thing kept staring at him, to which Dazai turned to Chuuya, who had made his way next him when he had stopped walking. 

 

“Why is it staring at me?” He asked– loudly because he had no qualms about his questions– pointing at the little thing. 

 

“Hi Q.” Chuuya leaned closer to him, Dazai wanted to push him away for that. “You do know you look at me exactly like that, right?” Now Dazai just wanted to punch him.

“No, I do not.” Dazai looked back at the child, it was still looking at him. 

 

“So, Q?” He felt the absolute need to poke the child with a stick. The white haired little thing didn’t answer him. What a productive conversation. 

 

“Chuuya, it’s not speaking.” The child then turned and walked away. 

 

Chuuya followed after them, to Dazai’s great confusion. “What are you doing?” He questioned, following on behalf of not wanting to be left alone in a place filled with people.

 

“Come on!” Chuuya urged him, as if he wasn’t already following. Stupid slug. 

“What are we doing.” Dazai was standing in a doorway, Chuuya sitting on what he assumed was the little things bed while the thing in question pressed drawings into Dazai’s hands. 

He already had six ugly drawings in his hands, half looked like graphic depictions of violence while the other half looked weirdly like what a fantasy novel cover would look like if drawn by a 7 year old. 

 

“Stop giving me these.” He complained, and was handed another one for his trouble. 

Chuuya looked on with a bemused expression, ignoring Dazai's attempts to get out of the kids' weird actions.

 

“I’m sure Chuuya wants some drawings, kid.” The little thing ignored him and continued looking through a box. Dazai was tempted to drop the drawings.

 

“Q never let’s me have any of their drawings.” Chuuya explained, Dazai stepped up to Chuuya's seat on the bed and let the drawings fall onto his lap.

 

“Here you go, happy birthday Chuuya.” Chuuya glared at him with the power of a thousand suns and he truly felt fulfilled. 

 

“Give it back.” A little mop of brown and white air opened their arms towards Chuuya expectantly, to which Chuuya reluctantly handed the drawings he had been clutching in his palms.

 

He felt like he was intruding– already with Kouyou he had been under scrutiny–but now with Q as well, it was just like when he had gone to look at Ryuunosuke and Gin train and had felt the stares of fright on his back for the entire duration of his stay.

 

He was tempted to just walk out of the door and start making his way back, the sun was still a bit far from setting but the fear was clutching at his chest, begging him to return to Mori’s side. 

 

Chuuya was frowning at him after his stunt with the drawings and he felt anchored in place.
Q had gotten down on the floor to draw whatever little weird things drew, Dazai leaned over their shoulder only to see a drawing of a stick figure with bandages covering their face getting mauled by a stick bear. He leaned back into CHuuya’s space. 

He only now realised he was ever so slightly in Chuuya’s space, Dazai’s hips pressed to Chuuya’s side. He didn’t like it.

 

“Chuuya, you said Q was like me.” He complained, Chuuya only nodded in agreement.

 

“Yeah! You see it, right?” Dazai wanted to throttle him very badly, his hands just itched for it. He pushed his fingers into his bandages to settle the urge. 

 

“I do not.” He glared at the kid, who raised their head as if summoned to glare back at him. 

Chuuya looked back and forth between the both of them. 

 

“If I had one of those photo machines, I would take one.” Dazai was half tempted to tell him it was called a ‘camera’ and mock him for his lack of knowledge but he was very busy in a glaring contest with a small child. 

 

“That little thing has nothing in common with me.” He declared, turning his gaze away decisively. That child was not nearly smart enough to be compared to Dazai.

 

“Yeah!” He turned his head back when Q agreed with him, he knew he was about to be scorched by a 6 year old.  

 

“I have much better fashion sense than this wet looking fish.” Dazai stared at the child, the child stared back.

 

“Chuuya,” the boy in question nodded, hiding his mouth behind his hand in what Dazai knew was an attempt to stop himself from laughing. “I don’t like this child.” 

 

“I don’t like him either.” At least they were both on the same page about their feelings towards one another.

 

“Well, not many people like Dazai.” Dazai turned his head towards Chuuya, his eyes soft on the little demon. Dazai might not be liked by many people but even he knew it was rude of Chuuya to say. 

 

He continued looking at the side of Chuuya’s face as the other boy watched Q nod at his words and go back to their drawing. 

 

Once in a while Chuuya would try to sneakily glance in his direction before turning back, much to Dazai's increasing annoyance. Chuuya had been very rude, well he always had been, but Dazai had been very considerate by apologising after his words had offended Chuuya for some reason but now here they were. 

 

He went over to the bed and sat on the floor near Chuuya’s feet, his back resting against the thin mattress. Watching Q draw was especially boring, but Dazai used the time to rest his mind. 

He usually spent most, if not all of his days training on his own, the most company he ever got was Mori coming to check on him and the twins ducking behind furniture to sneak into his rooms. Chuuya was a lot more social it seemed, in the short time he had been here he had already experienced more social interactions than he would usually go through in more than a month. 

 

The orphanage was small, the rooms even smaller, he had thought it might look bigger inside but it looked even tinier. Q’s room was very crowded, one bed was tucked in the corner, touching a small wardrobe that extended to the other end of the room, the same set up mirrored on the other side. The floor was littered with pens and papers, the room was so small, he didn’t think a newborn could properly fit into it without the space being cramped, let alone a 6 year old and what he assumed was another child of around the same age. 

It made sense, though, there were so many children playing outside he was surprised they could all make it into the small building without it collapsing. 

 

He hadn’t seen a single one of the nuns Chuuya talked about during his tirades, he raised his head to look out the small window on top of the bed, only children were outside. Not a single adult in sight. 

 

“Chuuya.” Chuuya turned his head towards him, his ginger hair falling slightly over his face. 

 

“So you learned how to talk again.” Chuuya reached a finger towards him and Dazai tried to bite it off. The nerve this ginger had to dare try and touch him like that. 

 

“Where are the nuns? There shouldn’t be so many children here alone.” It seemed dangerous, but maybe they didn’t mind losing a few lives to the forest with the amount of kids they already had. 

 

“They’re in town with some of the older girls to get food.” There were more of them? That wasn’t the full amount of occupants? He didn’t even want to imagine the actual number if some of the children were in their rooms instead of parading outside in the sun. 

 

He nodded at his answer and went back to staring out the window. The sun had nearly disappeared behind the horizon, when he looked back at Chuuya the boy looked slightly tired, not close to nodding off but slightly drowsy. 

 

He had stayed longer than he had expected, Chuuya's bedtime must be nearing, even the little demon was yawning, their eyes closing and the pencil dropping from their grubby little hands. Even the children who had been excitedly running around were starting to trickle inside the building, he could hear their shrilly voices yelling through the hallways and wanted to put his hands over his ears. 

 

He refrained from doing it as his arms felt heavy, even he was a bit tired what with the exhaustion of going against Mori’s ord-

He got up in a flash, Chuuya jumped from his spot on the bed, his leg having migrated against his side unbeknownst to Dazai. 

He didn’t have time to acknowledge that as scenarios flashed through his mind, looking for his best option to make it back fast and discreetly. 

 

“Are you leaving?” Dazai couldn’t focus on Chuuya’s voice or anything for that matter except the running of his thoughts.

 

“Yes.” Is the only thing he managed to say before he booked it out of the door, running until he found himself at the high fence, he didn’t have time to struggle as he hefted himself up. The adrenaline carried him until he could see the mansion through the trees. He stopped himself behind a tree close to the back entrance, reigning his breathing in, he needed to be quiet and fast. Panting wouldn’t achieve that.

 

Dazai gently opened the door, closing it behind himself with as little noise as possible. It was much too late to see the children usually roaming the halls and he hoped Mori had gone to sleep after his meeting. 

 

He quietly walked over the floorboards, putting his training to good use and avoiding the creaky wood that could give him away had he not been careful. He looked left and right every time he entered one of the numerous hallways of the mansion. His room was one of the furthest away from both the main and the back door, right in the middle of the giant maze of rooms, on the second floor. 

 

He had always assumed he hadn’t been given a closer room to the exit to avoid his escape and a room away from the third floor as to stop him from jumping out a window, he didn’t want to be in pain if he ever decided to end his days and jumping from such a short height would hurt more than he wanted to think about. 

 

He was nearly at the stairs, halfway to his destination when a creak resonated behind him.
He froze, no one would be out at this time except the head of dormitories.
And none of the heads would ever let the floorboards creak if it wasn’t on purpose.

He turned around, his eyes immediately finding the source of the noise. 

“Mori.” He whispered as the man in question advanced until he was right in front of him. His cold hands trailing up his neck onto his chin as he stood rooted to the spot. 

 

Long fingers caressing his cheek as dark eyes rested upon him.

 

“You’re late. I was so worried when I called you and you didn’t show up.” Dazai didn’t move, if he had slightly less control over his body, he would have wrenched away from the touch and started running in a direction, any direction. But he didn’t. 

 

“I wondered what could have happened to delay your return.” The fingers on his cheek gripped him in a tight vice. He couldn’t feel it but he knew it would leave fingertips shaped marks come morning. 

 

“But you seem fine, no injuries, nothing. I’m glad.” The words were said with a sickeningly sweet tone, the sight of Mori's impassive face paired with the honey sweet words rang all the alarm bells inside his mind.

 
“Come on, I can give you something to help you sleep. Obviously you must have been so restless to wander far enough to not hear my calls, you won’t be able to sleep tonight without it.” Mori's touch left his cheek as he was faced with a white coat walking away from him.
He followed slowly and quietly. 

When he woke up the next morning in his own bed, his vision was blurry and he couldn’t get up without his legs giving out under him until he collapsed to the floor uselessly. He didn’t move for a very long time after that.

Notes:

Author is starting college again, which means I'm gonna post a lot more. I work a lot better when I'm procrastination writing law essays and studying.
Enjoy my dear boys! Kudos, comments and constructive cirticism might make the author cry of joy, be warned.

Notes:

Comments, Kudos and Constructive criticisms are cherished by the author and the reason author has the motivation to write more chapters.