I am James bucky Barnes

by Buckbucky

Summary:

Bucky has no idea what he did to deserve what hydra did to him or is doing to him. Bucky didn't do anything wrong so why did he have to have a fate worse than death.

Notes:

Hey! I hope you know that I'm filling the parts that the movie left blank, like how did Bucky get the serum? How did he survive the fall..how was he brainwashed. Etc etc.
Pls don't look at it too critically..it will deviate from the actual comics.

Chapter 1: Bucky Barnes is captured.

Loud clangs and the sounds of boots hitting the ground echoed around the chambers as two soldiers dragged him across the hall.

The walls were muted in color, dirty and it smelled disgusting in here like sweat, blood and gunpowder.

There were voices growing as the boots, in his vision, were quickly marching towards their destination. He couldn't see much, his lifeless body just hung on the support from the rough arms that were on a mission that never seemed to end.

Bucky felt like it was a never ending nightmare, the feet won't stop, his knees kept getting scraped. His head lolled to one side and something wet dripped from his temple to his chin.

CLANG, the doors flew open and more men walked in. The prisoner was thrown on the ground before a group of people.

"Strap the prisoner and prep him.." the voice was wispy, raspy and bored. It wasn't something unique to zola to have prisoners of war dragged here and then discarded. He's seen countless men die on the table so this was routine to him.

The men grab Bucky by his arms again and brought him to the station, a hard leather seat with various buckles and straps attached to it.

Bucky groans as he was slammed on the hard surface, his body aching horribly. He finally managed to look around a little, his head falling to his side, all energy depleted. The room was small, with a lot of equipment, his eyes scanned the room slowly and stopped when they landed on a very specific instrument above him. It was sharp with various light bulbs surrounding its structures, steel, metal and the pointy needle-like design made him gulp.

 

His mouth was dry, extremely dry. Each gulp, any attempt to bring moisture to his mouth felt like swallowing sand in his already raw throat.

Bucky's body jolted when the men in white coats strapped him down, his chest, his arms, his legs, his feet.

"Sergeant Barnes..my name is Dr. Zola. It's a pleasure to meet you. I hope we can have much more success with you." Dr. Zola spoke. He was writing something down as he looked at Bucky.

The man on the table looked young, his features were handsome and he could tell that he was from a well settled family because of the way he was focused on Zola's words, an intelligent look to him.

"What are you going to do with me?" Bucky groaned as a wave of nausea and pain traveled all over his body. Being still made him focus a lot more on all the pain his body hadn't recognised yet.
"Whatever you want me to tell you, I won't!" Bucky gritted out and squeezed his jaw shut.

"Oh we won't be needing anything from you soldier..we just need to see if we managed to get it right this time. Sergeant." Zola spoke calmly and smiled. His smile held no hint of warmth but it was menacing and it made Bucky's skin crawl.

"What is it?" Bucky spat out.

"It's something Hydra has been working hard to perfect, a simple serum sergeant. There have been special attempts to make a super soldier, not just here at hydra...oh no. Your own colonel Phillips has been involved with the government Bucky Barnes."

Bucky frowned, confusion seeped across his face. This was news to him and he felt betrayed that something like that has been kept from them. But he knew it was for their safety, probably, he convinced himself so he wouldn't buckle to their lies.

"Lies!" Bucky hissed and strained against the bindings.

"Oh we shall see. Allow me to run you through the process. We will inject a version of that serum in your veins although we do not have the vita rays to stabilise the reaction it has with your blood.. I'm hoping we can see an improvement from the last test subject.."

Bucky's breathing quickened, last test subject, which means whoever it was...didn't survive. Bucky opened his mouth because suddenly he couldn't breathe.

"No..no.." Bucky mumbled.

The room seemed to be in a frenzy of some sort, the soldiers and the scientist stood nearby, Zola as Bucky recalled walked up to him, the bright lights above him blinding him.

He couldn't see his face, it was backlit by the surgical bulbs, like the ones in the operation wards but these was sharper, more threatening.

"It's going to hurt Barnes..." Bucky heard zola but he wasn't sure what he said, it all felt like it was coming from underwater. He strained against the straps and clenched his teeth, eyes watering with anticipation of what was to happen. He was scared, hell no, he was terrified.

The needle pierced his skin, the plunger slowly pushing the liquid inside his skin, mixing it with his blood.

The serum reacted quickly and it burned. Bucky's eyes shot open and he let out a piercing scream, if the straps weren't holding him in place he'd be doubled over on the floor thrashing and trying to claw the liquid out of his body.

Bucky choked as he felt something closing in on his throat. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, the sickly fluorescent light above him burned his eyes. Bucky let out a choked sob. Every part of his body was on fire. He knew if this kept going he'd lose his mind.

Zola stared at his subject, he wasn't screaming anymore, he was crying, his teeth and jaw clenched together, hands balled into tight fists.

"Who are you?" Zola spoke to Bucky, in a loud clear voice. He wanted to test if his subject was in his senses.

"Sergeant...bu-bucky..AH.." Bucky was cut off when another wave of molten fire traveled across his body making him scream louder than before. His body burned like he was suffering from a raging fever, his body shook. "Sergeant Barnes!!" Bucky screamed out in pain.

He bit down on his lip and bit down hard in order to ground himself, to keep some of his sanity.

"Who are you!" Bucky pushed his head back and felt the hard leather of the seat, straining his hands against the straps, feeling it cut his skin and burn.

"Sergeant...Barnes..3..2..." Bucky gasped, his head splitting open with pain and his eyes burning holes in his sockets. He felt like he'd be charred by now.
"3..2..55..7.." he choked out.

"Please..make..it stop.." Bucky begged. Zola looked at him, his eyes looked vacant like he wasn't really here.

Zola took off his coat and walked towards his office. He'll know if Bucky survives this. In a few minutes either he'll be dead or the serum will absorb its way into his DNA slowly.

"Sergeant...Barnes..3...2..55...7038.." Bucky muttered under his breath, his wrists bled where the straps had cut into them.

He had never been more aware of his body, how the blood traveled so fast inside the veins, the serum burned its way into his blood, binding itself with the components of his DNA, the serum pumping into his heart.

Bucky's body was still, too tired and exhausted to speak, he didn't have the energy to scream or ask for help..who was going to help. Bucky knew he's here. That's it. He's going to die as the fire consumes him from inside.

He's going to break his promise. His mind jumped towards Steve and a soft cry escaped his lips, a broken sob full of despair.

His Steve, poor Steve, he's going to get killed in the streets, he's going to be so sad when he hears that Bucky died. Bucky didn't realize that he was crying hysterically now, tears soaking his hair as they fell from his eyes.

"Sergeant ...bar..nes.." a sob broke out "3..I'm sorry Steve..I'm ..trying..3..2..55.." Bucky mumbled over and over and over until he lost count of how many times he said it, until that was the only thing he could hear.

Bucky didn't know what happened but as the fire raged on, his blood and body screamed for relief somewhere between gritting out his name and serial number he passed out. His words cut short and eyes shut down on their own.

Zola looked up from his papers as he heard the subject go quiet in the room next to his. He entered the room and was astonished to see his subject still breathing, frowning in their sleep, his skin sickly pale.

"Marvelous...truly marvelous.." Zola mumbles, his hands tracing Bucky's arms where the veins were prominent.

He took a small book out of his pocket and wrote:

"Trial 1.
The subject has responded positively to trial 1. Will proceed with trial 2 in 5 hours. The subject has a strong will power and a devotion to staying alive. There seems to be hope that it might actually work.

Signature: Zola.."

Chapter 2: "Steve"

Summary:

Steve and bucky reunite when Steve rescues him..

Notes:

I'll be skipping over the fights scenes with the red skull:]
I want to go at a slow pace so bear with me pls

"Hey, Steve..why do you do that? Why do you purposely get yourself in trouble?"

"I was not in trouble Bucky.."

"You got your ass whooped Steve..and if I don't make it in time one day, I'll find you dead.."

"No, you won't..I can handle it."

"Whatever you say buddy.. but I'll always be the one to save your ass.."

"Shut up punk.."

Bucky breathed out a small snort. Smartass. Steve thinks he's got it all together. Stupid. He's really stupid. Bucky shook his head very slowly.

That was a mistake, a dull throbbing pain sizzled all the way up from his temple to his brain. Like stabbing himself with a nail.

Bucky groaned, cracking his eyes open. The florescent burning holes in his eyes. That brought him back to reality and the horror that waited him. He was captured, held prisoner. Hell..no. He was being experimented on.

Bucky jolted and shook his arms, a useless attempt to get free but he tried nonetheless.

"Ahh-uckk!" Bucky gasped. The straps dug deeper into his wrists that were already caked with dried blood from earlier.

The surroundings were calm as if Bucky hadn't been screaming and thrashing here hours ago. The calm was dangerous, Zola was calm. But that didn't turn out so well.

Bucky looked up at the walls, the scattered papers, the quiet murmurs of the soldiers outside which was audible through the thick walls, consciously avoiding the lights because they were pure headache.

"The subject must be awake...check up on him." Bucky gritted his teeth and tried to move again only to helplessly let out a cry as the pain traveled all over his body from being held down by the straps. His back was screaming with pain.

His breathing quickened when two men, Zola and another guy in white, walked in. His memory was fresh, the pain, the scorching fire in his body, he could feel it tingle.

"No.." Bucky whispered, his eyes fixed on Zola.

"You have been phenomenal, sergeant. Your body is the only one that accepted the serum." Zola said. His breathing was loud and annoying, Bucky could hear him inhale noisily and it irked him.

Of all the places to be, he was captured by them, his whole unit and now here he was, strapped to the chair with a scientist breathing down his face.

"I'm not..letting you do that again. I'll rip your face off once I break free.." Bucky gritted out, a bravado, even though his forehead was suddenly very clammy, his hands shook a little and he felt his soul leave his body.

"I admire your courage but we have to make sure that it's working. We'll be conducting trial 2." Zola instructed, circling Bucky slowly and admiring whatever he saw there. "Oh it won't be as painful as it was before." Zola stated calmly as If they were having a conversation about the weather.

Bucky breathed through his nose in sharp bursts, his body anticipating the same treatment. The realization that there is a trial 2 hit him hard, so hard that it felt like it knocked the breath out of him.

There is no escape. Bucky will have to take it. Take whatever Zola gives. They aren't getting away from them. Bucky didn't have the time to think about his unit when Zola clicked his pen, bringing Bucky back to earth.

Zola barked some orders when the rest of the people gathered brought a set of syringes and small tubes.

Bucky hissed as the needles pierced his arms, this time drawing blood away from his body. He let out a shaky breath as he was anticipating the familiar burn of the serum.

The staff quickly and efficiently withdrew the needles, wrapping up cleanly. He thought it was over but he was definitely wrong because not long Zola brought a syringe with a much bigger container.

He didn't have time to think when this syringe buried itself inside his arm and the nightmare started.

Bucky's eyes, wide with panic, shot towards Zola who simply backed away, hoping the serum won't fail him this time.

Bucky groaned, his brain was spinning, his vision blurred and the first wave of nausea hit. He thought he was going to be sick but he wasn't spared much time to brood on nausea when his fingers erupted in fire.

Bucky clenched his teeth, it was burning him, burning him alive, his head hit the back of the rough leather seat. The fire made its way to his legs, his arms and his heart. He couldn't hold it anymore. He had to scream, he had to.

Bucky gasped and pulled his arms away from the straps but his wrists screamed and then Bucky screamed, he let out such a painful scream that the doctors all shared a look except zola. Whose eyes were fixed on Bucky.

He knew he'd be left here to scream until he descended into insanity. So he did what he did yesterday.

"Sergeant-- ser...barn-e..s.. 3...ahhhH." he muttered and gritted through his teeth, clenched so tightly he could break his jaw.

"3...2..55..." Bucky hissed, his head falling to his side..too tired to keep it upright. The pain was numbing him from all his senses.

Bucky mumbled again and again, related those words until he couldn't hear himself. His eyes looked up at the florescents, but they didn't burn him this time.

Zola had walked back into his office knowing it'll take the same course of action as it did yesterday.

Hours passed and Bucky mumbled, Zola had checked on him to see if he had lost it. He found Bucky staring at the ceiling, still as a log and mumbling his serial number and name. He'll just have to wait and see.

 

BOOM...ClanGG! Zola snapped his head towards the window. There were loud sounds of bombs going off and men screaming..something was wrong.

TrINgggg Zola jumped, he picked up his phone and someone screamed at him, something about running, the rest he couldn't catch.

Bucky mumbled, his mind empty of thoughts. He just looked ahead. His body has gone limp from exhaustion and defeat.

Bucky didn't care when he heard boots come into the room, he simply did what he had to do.

"James...barness.."

A jolt, someone shook his body or was it him thrashing again. He didn't know, he didn't care. His eyes stared at the ceiling.

"Bucky! Oh my God!!" And Bucky snapped awake. It's his voice. It's the voice that could bring Bucky to the ends of the world to greet him.

But wait..it couldn't be. He's lost it. Finally. And then he came into his view.

"Steve" Bucky smiled. Not believing his eyes.

Steve. Or was he? He was fuller. He looked healthier than he left him. He felt the buckles rip off of him.

"I thought you were dead!" Steve gasped and Bucky was pulled away from the bed into his arms. They were hard, solid and stable.

Bucky collapsed on them, unable to stand.

"I thought you were smaller.." Bucky retorted weakly. His heart was pounding against his chest, he couldn't believe it. It was Steve! It was his Steve! But then his heart sank. It was Steve but it wasn't. It was a sturdier Steve, a bulkier one.

"Come on Bucky, let's go! Can you walk?"

"Yea..I think so.." bucky mumbled and gave him a half smile. He's fine. Wasn't he. He can run..Bucky looked at Steve. How was he so different and then Zola's information about colonel Phillips letting the scientists do experiments in their chosen soldier popped into his mind.

"Steve ..did it hurt!??" Bucky groaned, concerned. He staggered behind Steve who walked confidently.

" A little!" His voice bright and cheerful.

Bucky guts twisted. Steve went through the same shit he did. He said it's painful but he didn't look like it.

"Is it permanent?" Bucky asked, this time hopeful.

"For now.." Steve smiled back at him over his shoulders. His extremely broad shoulders.

If Steve looked like that then Bucky won't be bad. He won't twist into some weird thing they were playing with. He might....look like Steve? Or not?

He stared at Steve run up the stairs, skipping to reach the top and Bucky, tripping and falling.

He felt stupid. Steve is doing better than him. He has to get ahead, every fibre of his being was screaming to go out and protect Steve.

He bumped into Steve and realised he had stopped. He had held out his hands to support himself and they slammed into Steve's back. He could hide behind Steve if he wanted and he'd barely be visible. He was big. Bucky blinked twice, his eyes deceiving him.

Then the red skull appeared and showed his face and Bucky felt like he'd vomit.

What the fuck was he injected with? Is he going to be Steve or is he going to be red thingy.

The surrounding had begun to creak and groan under the the weight of the carnage. The fire melted the support, the steel collapsing in on itself as things blew up.

Zola was cowering behind the red man. Bucky felt his eyes on him, his heart quickened, his breathing jagged. He hated Zola. He had done something to him and he didn't know what..Zola was looking at him curiously and he looked impressed.

Bucky gritted his teeth, he wasn't a test subject anymore to be stared at but he was brought out of his thoughts when Steve and the red thing fought.

Bucky gasped and gripped the reiling, grounding himself. His Steve was in danger..but Steve was ploughing down the red man, picking him up and shoving him to the ground like he weighed nothing.

It felt odd to him. That he wasn't running to save Steve. It was a relief for him but he felt useless standing there. His body was weak, his legs were struggling to stand yet he had a strange strength coursing through him that kept him standing. Must be the jitters, the adrenaline and the training.

They finally made it out with Steve jumping into Bucky's arms when the beam collapsed and separated the two. Steve collapsed into Bucky with a thud, his arms wrapping around him before he fell due the impact. They made it out and alive, in one piece.

 

The next day, they slept in a tent. They had been traveling back to their base camp.

"Steve..you know...we need rest cause unlike you we still have a normal body." Bucky mumbled, half asleep.

"I have to remind myself of that and I am a normal human too buck.." Steve sighed and glanced at Bucky, his features looked soft and relaxed. His hair was a mess, all tousled and wavy, face still grimy and dirty, dried blood decorated his temple, cheeks.

Steve felt his heart break. He has his best friend back and he was grateful but he's been through a lot. The soldiers, they go through extremely intensive training to survive anything but his heart still feels soft for Bucky.

"Nah..Steve. If you were normal, you'd be shivering right now.." Bucky laughed softly. "Want to cuddle in Steve?" Bucky mocked him but his smile was wide.

"Shut up buck..I'm glad I got you out buddy. I can't lose you.." Steve mumbled softly, starting into Bucky's eyes.

His steel blue eyes met the icy blue ones and Bucky smiled.

"Hmm" Bucky hummed. "Me neither.. you corny ass.."

"Well you shot me with the "end of the line" garbage. You almost broke it!" Steve complained.

Bucky laughed, and Steve was filled with warmth. Bucky's laughter was his medicine for all sorts of wounds.

Bucky looked at Steve. His fingers twitched before he brought them to Steve's face. Wordlessly he explored his strong jaw, traced his cheekbones which were once so sunken. He rested his fingers on Steve's lips.

"These haven't changed.." Bucky mumbled. His heart beat singing. He was so close to Steve. So close. He was safe.

"steve..." Bucky whispered.
"Hmm" Steve's eyes found Bucky's again. They couldn't look away from one another for longer than a few seconds.

Bucky shifted from his position and dragged himself closer to where Steve was. He propped himself on his elbow and looked down at him.

Steve looked so strong. Reliable. He wanted to hide in his arms. He wanted to bury himself in Steve's hug and disappear until his bones stabilised and stopped shaking at every single noise. He wanted the world to stop spinning, his blood to stop ringing in his ears.

Steve frowned, concerned. He slowly pushed himself in a sitting position.

"Bucky you alright?" Now he was looking down at Bucky. Slightly lower than him.

"Yea yea .. why wouldn't I be. How do you sleep in that though?" Bucky laughed, his eyes shiny. He couldn't worry Steve. He just can't.

And He's not sure how Steve would react if he told him what was bothering him, the thing that's running in his veins. Steve will only worry too much and he's not about to be the cause of that now, maybe later but not now.

"I sleep just fine.." Steve rolled his eyes. "Get some sleep buck..we have to walk a lot tomorrow." Steve spoke softly like whispering to a child. "I'm with you now. You can rest."

I'm with you, Bucky heard those words and his eyes instantly felt heavy.

"Yea..yea..I will.." he smiled at Steve, softly, explored his face for a second and then gently settled back into the hard floor.

Bucky closed his eyes, pretending to sleep so Steve could rest as well. He felt Steve sigh and lie down next to him.

His body was shaking, his fingers dug into his palm. He didn't know what to expect from himself at any given moment. He felt his wrists burn and his mind buzz. He squeezed his eyes shut hoping and praying that he wakes up as himself and not some twisted version of the red thing he saw.

He jolted when Steve placed a strong arm over him.
"Shh..it's me..sleep.."
Bucky gulped in a shaky breath and slowly grabbed Steve's arm, pulling it close. The night held its breath until Bucky fell asleep, tucked into Steve's arms.

Notes:

I hope you liked it! Lemme know what you think!

Chapter 3: 40s Bucky

Notes:

It's a little long, I know but I hope you like it <3

Bucky was walking slowly next to Steve, lost in his thoughts.
The men were grumbling and talking, hydra's tanks were rolling behind them. A sense of calm over them being freed from hydra's grasp.

Steve looked big, Bucky's eyes travelled over his form.

"Hey Steve.." Bucky jogged catching up to Steve who was quickly barking orders at the soldiers.

"Yea buck?" He looked over at Bucky and smiled, his face softened. It's his Bucky, he thought to himself and felt a bit of a pride when he had to look down, just a little, to meet Bucky's eyes.

"How does it feel?"
"I have to admit..good. I can help."
Bucky scoffed, giving a crooked toothy smile.

"Of course..so what's the plan?" Bucky glanced back at Steve. Leaves crunching under their feet.

"Well..I think I'll have to step down from my position.. Colonel won't be giving me any leverage. What I pulled was against the orders buck.." Steve spoke, his voice was extremely clear and commanding.

Bucky liked hearing the confidence in his voice. It was always there even when he was a scrawny little guy but the confidence never wavered.

"Do you regret it..?" Bucky said, his voice low. It was Steve so he already knew the answer.

"Hey.." Steve started, surprised but he knew Bucky would be consumed with thoughts. "You know I'd never regret it buck, if there is one thing I'm most certain of is that I'll follow and reach the depths of this earth to reach you. So don't think for a minute that I regret it." Steve's blue eyes searched his and he won't deny that his heart did a flip.

Both of them were locked in sort of an understanding warm gaze before Bucky broke eye contact. It was too much for him.

"Hey aren't you cold though? I can get you a jacket-" Steve started but Bucky cut him off.

"Nah..I'm good." He actually didn't feel cold and now that it was bought to his attention, he was surprised. It was snowy, the snow clung to the ground but he didn't feel cold at the moment.

"We are here. Now listen to. Be confident. You are survivors and do not argue or fight. Take whatever they say with a grain of salt because it's about me. Don't take it personal." Steve commaned loudly.

The base camp slowly came into view and they could see the sudden burst of energy that travelled throughout the camp.

People jumping up to see them, disbelief in their eyes when they walked right up to them.

Bucky stood right next to him hell he'll be there if they take him to a jail or whatever. But he stood right next to him.

Colonel Phillips stood right Infront of Steve and for a second Bucky thought he was going to get a piece of his mind.
"That's won't be necessary.." and Bucky felt relief wash over him.

He smiled at Steve's back and looked around, yea he was proud of Steve.

"Give it up for Captain America!!" Bucky shouted smiling when Steve caught his eye. The crowd burst into applause, everyone cheering the Captain's name when women walked right up to Steve.

Oh, so Steve has been busy. Bucky shook his head with a smile, he knew who she was. Who didn't. The famous Peggy carter.

Bucky gritted his teeth as a wave of pain travelled up his body, the burning reminder that there was something wrong with him. Fuck..it's still there and here he thought that maybe his body burned it off. His right arm grabbed at his left, grounding himself and he backed away slowly, the sight of Steve wasn't really helping him given the fact that he's busy with the girl.

Someone brushed his arm and he looked to his side, it was just a nurse, a smile broke out as the nurse looked for any signs of damage.

"I'm ok.." he mumbles over the rowdy crowd. No pain over the blunt force trauma to his head back then, the cut on his cheek was already scabbing, healed. Nah, it's just the cold. It's nothing. He's a soldier, he recovers quickly.

The nurse smiled already moving on to the next soldiers.

They were ushered to their tents before they had to be transferred back home.

Where was Steve, he looked back but Steve was already on his way to the colonel and his company.
_____________________________________

Colonel Phillips walked towards his office with purpose when he paused. Bucky stood outside his office.

"Can I help you sergeant?" He barked and continued to walk inside the office.
"yes sir, if I can have a minute of your time, sir." Bucky requested, standing still.

What he was about to do was something that has been weighing heavy on him for quite a while..

The Colonel beckoned him inside and closed the door behind him.

"What is it?"

"Sir.." Bucky took a deep breath to sound more confident. "I wanted to ask what happened to Steve. When I left him, he wasn't like this."

The man only stared at him. His eyes set in a defensive glare, daring him to challenge him.

"Did he agree to this or was he manipulated into it?" Bucky asked, clenching his jaw.

"Of course he agreed to it. We won't force anything on anyone." He said rigidly looking up at Bucky.

"You know Steve would have agreed to it because of his passion for the army and his stubborn urge to prove himself. You knew that and you gave him an option to change himself!" Bucky muttered, trying not to get loud.

"And is that bad? The man wanted to fight for his people. Is that bad?"

"No..you wanted him to serve you people..you didn't do it out of the goodness of your heart. You want him to be the most powerful soldier, feed him lies and throw him to whatever the higher ups ask for??" Bucky was shouting now. He didn't care. They didn't care for Steve. They wanted a machine something they can control for their benefit.

"Stand down sergeant! I will not have you dictate what our decisions are. If you have a problem take it to Steve. Ask him why he agreed to be a part of this."

"You experimented on STEVE!!! YOU DRUGGED him with your shit and YOU Left IT TO FAITH! HE COULD HAVE DIED IF IT HADN'T WORKED!" Bucky yelled his eyes tearing up. He left for a few months and this is what happens behind him.

Bucky was startled when the colonel got up from behind the desk and grabbed Bucky's chin, yanking him forward.

"You wouldn't know a thing about bravery. You were drafted, you didn't enlist, James Buchanan Barnes. You, who had to be rescued, whose whole unit got captured. You, who was rescued by the man who wouldn't have done that without the serum!" Bucky's insides coiled at the cursed word, serum.

The words stung. He and his men gave it their all. Drafted or not he was ready to give up his life for the sake of his country.

"We want people to have a fighting chance. And if there can be a symbol of hope and justice..then we will damn well make sure to have one, son." Colonel eyes softened, he realized he had said too much.

Bucky gasped, taking a deep breath in when he removed his hand from his jaw, his cheeks were stained with tears now.

"Steve..has a second chance in life, sergeant. He needs your support more than ever. Dismissed."

Bucky walked back towards his home wiping any tears that made their way out, the words weighing heavy on his chest. But he had a point. Steve has a chance to be what he always wanted and he didn't colonel words to tell him to support him, he'll always support him, regardless of anything.

 

The next few days were busy and Bucky found himself in his apartment.
"Hey, where's my captain busy at?" Bucky complained, rolling his eyes when he heard Steve laugh.

"Hey buck. I'm sorry, I'm trying to give an accurate intel to the majors otherwise I might forget that.."

"Don't you have a super brain now?" Bucky chuckled. Super brain, nah..some things might not change.

"Hahaaaa. Yea I guess. Hey buck, I might see you soon, can't really talk on the phone about it. Come at 8 pm sharp..boys will be there. Let's have a drink." Steve requested, his voice soft but demanding.

"Can't say no to cap.." Bucky smiled into the phone.

"It's Steve..Steve for you."

"Alright Stevie..see you."

And Steve hung up, Bucky was still smiling. He loved hearing Steve's voice, anytime, anywhere..just them.

 

8 pm sharp as Steve said, Bucky heard the men laugh when Steve gave them a round of drinks. Jeez. Always the good boy. Bucky scoffed, eyeing the table.

"Hey do you have to give in everytime?" Bucky laughed. He didn't have to look to know that Steve had just entered the room.

"Ha..no buck. They deserve it.." Steve drummed his fingers on the table softly. "Can I get you a drink.."

"No, I'm good..so what's the plan. I feel like that's all we talk about.."

"Nope.. we are moving along the western Europe, fishing out any and all hydra secret camps. Destroying everything that they are working on."

Bucky nodded. It wasn't pleasant talking about hydra and what they did to their prisoners of war. Speaking of which, he still hasn't told Steve what happened back there. Should he?

Talking to Steve about it meant getting Steve in trouble. Steve wouldn't know what's in him but he'd want to find out and save bucky if it's a risk to his health but that might lead to SSRs finding out about him and leading to more experiments to find out what's hydra doing.

What if colonel asked him to dispose of Bucky because whatever hydra cooked up ruined Schmidt and he could be unstable for all anyone knew.

"Hey..st-" Bucky started but paused when Peggy walked in. The whole bar silent in awe.
"Ma'am" Bucky stood up and raised his eyebrows, nodding. Steve followed him.

"Captain." She spoke, her voice clear and beautiful.

Bucky watched their exchange with an amused little smirk, oh that's gotta haunt Steve, getting asked out in front of his best friend who knew his luck in the past.

Both of them unaware that the gnawing crippling feeling pulling at Bucky's heartstrings was back. Bucky swallowed it back, ignoring it. Steve really did like her. Bucky thought, a fake smile plastered on his face.

 

"What?" Steve shook his head.

"I'm you Steve...I'm invisible.." Bucky fake pouted.

"Don't take it too hard maybe she's got a friend" Steve laughed winking at him, placing his hand on Bucky's shoulder. No way did he pull a Bucky on him, Bucky snorted. Wow this Steve has guts and he secretly liked it. "So you coming with us? Ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?"

It was a question to which both of them knew the answer. There was no Bucky without Steve and no Steve without Bucky and for all Bucky knew, he might not have long so all the time spent with Steve would be the best way to go.

Piercing blue eyes met steel blue ones, Bucky smiled and Steve watched his friend's features melt. They both stared at each other for what felt like an eternity before Bucky broke the silence.

"Hell, no. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight, I'm following him."

"To the end of the line..." Steve smiled.
"Always." Bucky spoke, voice almost a whisper.

And then Steve walked away, leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts.

Of course he'll always be with his Steve. He was there when his mother passed away, he was there when he almost died of asthma, pneumonia, heart palpitations. He was there when Steve was sick to the point of death so he wasn't about to leave now. Not anymore.

His heart clenched, he wanted to Steve to stay. They had all the time in the world for each other but now Steve was busy and Bucky had never felt lonelier and he hated being alone with his thoughts.

 

_______________________________________

 

BOOOMMM.
A loud bomb went off right next to them and Bucky heard dougan laugh. Crazy bastard Bucky chuckled as he ducked behind a bush, setting up his rifle, he was fluid in the way he yanks the bolt back, peering into the scope and taking a quick shot. His bullet never missed the target.
"That's my BUCKAAAYY" dougan yelled before firing at the men stationed, oblivious to the fact that they could be attacked any minute.

Steve looked up from where he was infiltrating the base camp and God, he actually gave him a salute. Corny bastard. Bucky laughed, yanking the bolt back again with ease.
"You ok buck!??" Steve yelled

"Jeez focus on not getting a scratch on your suit Steve! Or I'll be taking it from you!" Bucky yelled back
Steve gave a smile before running headfirst inside the building.

BANG..bang BANG the rest of the howling commandos covered fire, giving way for Steve to finish off the job.

It was done within a few hours, Steve with his super senses and power worked efficiently and quickly while the rest of the commandos and Bucky helped hold the hydra soldiers away from him.

 

"Where are we off to next.." Gabe asked, scarfing down his food.

"We received intel that Zola will be on his way to the Austrian Alps.. we'll catch him in action once we get there." Steve replied, a small frown on his otherwise friendly looking face..

Bucky was staring at the ceiling, slouched lazily on the chair, sleepy from all the adrenaline of the day.

"Hey buck." He heard Steve.
"Hmm." Bucky hummed turning his head towards Steve, but not lifting it from the backrest.

"You alright?" A pause, did Steve find out? Wait no that's wild. Why would he.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Bucky sat up straight and leaned forward to meet Steve's eyes.

Bucky looked like a mess, eyes puffy from sleep, his hair a little messy but still a vision.

"It's been tough, I have been dragging you and the commandos everywhere. I know you guys get tired.." Steve said, nodding towards the half asleep guys.

"Don't be cocky just because you got the juice Steve." Bucky teased, smiling. The joke, not really a joke for Bucky.
Steve laughed, such a wonderful sound.

"Jeez buck.."

"But na..I'm ok..." Bucky drawled, speaking in a low volume, his voice a little raspy.

Both of them were talking quietly, leaning closer to one another. Steve looked normal but Bucky's heart throbbed.
The pale orange light made Steve's face look really beautiful, handsome even and chiselled. He had always found Steve breathtaking well breath was a little far fetched since Steve hardly had any back then.

Bucky's eyes explored his face, his eyes, his lips and any place his eyes could fall on.

"You should get some rest." Steve smiled fondly. He was really grateful to be next to Bucky, a man he would go to hell for if he had to.

Bucky nodded but didn't move, his face still close and searching. Steve is so fucking dense, Bucky thought.

"Hmm Kay.." Bucky mumbled and leaned back against the chair.

Nah. Steve doesn't feel a thing for him. Oblivious to the fact that Steve's heart was going wild, it had been a while since he managed to stare at Bucky's face without interruptions and he wasn't too happy about Bucky moving away.

Both of them were stupid enough to believe that they can't really love each other when secretly the howling commandos had jokes about their relationship, even the military knew about these two. The inseparable duo.

It was way late at midnight when Bucky's eyes snapped open, sweat covered his body but he felt like he had been dunked in ice.
He couldn't move, where am I?? Bucky thought, his body still. For one horrible second Bucky thought he was back in the restraints.

Finally his eyes started to focus on the walls around him. Home. For now. Laboured breathing slowing down. Bucky clenched and unclenched his fists to convince his body that he was safe.

Bucky jumped, his hand almost grabbing the pistol when a knock on the door jolted him out of his thoughts.

Who would be crazy enough to come he- wait what if something happened to Steve, force of habit to think the worse case scenario must have happened to him.

Bucky ran to the door and threw it open. Oh. He blinked slowly. It was Steve, worry bled across his face at Bucky's reaction.

"You okay buck?"

"Yea..yea" oh god, that must have been a sight to see. Bucky rubbed his hand across his face.

"Steve you scared you me..I thought something stupid must have happened..what?" Bucky groaned softly.

"No, hey sorry.. I didn't mean to scare you..I just.." Steve paused. "I just wanted to talk to you."

Bucky sighed, embarrassed. "Yea no..come in."

Why was it so awkward, a certain something palpable in the air. It was Steve. It's just Steve. But he's different. He's strong. For the last few months he hasn't been saving his ass from someone or the police.

It's him who needed saving and Steve was the one to rescue him.

"Buck.." Bucky looked up at Steve, surprised by how soft his name poured from his lips.
"Look.. I want you to be able to talk to me and I know that there is something bothering you."

Well there goes all the effort he did to conceal any lingering pain he experienced.

"No steve. I'm alright." Bucky shifted his eyes away from Steve's icy blue ones, staring into them for too long would make him spill some secrets that are better buried within him..

"Are you though?" Steve questioned, his tone soft. Bucky raised his eyes from the ground to meet Steve's who was now standing awfully close to Bucky.

Both were quiet, listening to the sound of each other's breathing, the night was silent. Not a single sound.

"Bucky.." Steve mumbled, raising his hand to place it on Bucky's shoulder but it didn't stop there, it moved slowly, caressing, feeling and rested to cup the side of Bucky's neck.

Steve was tempted to let his thumb stroke Bucky's jaw, his fingers over Bucky's pulse. His hand felt so big and steady on Bucky's now delicate frame. Well delicate to him but not to anyone else.

Bucky automatically gravitated towards his hand, stupid. Fuck shit, Bucky's mind snapped when he realized that his hand moved on its own and gently pulled Steve's hand to his cheek.

His eyes snapped up to meet Steve who had a surprised look in his eyes.

Electricity buzzed between them. No one knew what pushed them but Bucky didn't have time to register anything when he was shoved to the wall, his back thudding against the cold surface, breath escaping his lungs due to the force.

Bucky gasped but before he could do anything, Steve grabbed his chin and lifted his head.

Bucky and Steve's breath mingled into one intoxicating scent that had Bucky scrambling to grab Steve's arms for support, knees weak.

Steve leaned forward, body pressing impossibly closer to Bucky's. Their lips met and Bucky let out a soft breath. God he wanted to have Bucky all for himself, he looked beautiful, in ways he had never imagined.

It lasted a second eliciting a needy whine from Bucky's throat.
What now? Bucky frowned, confused.
"Steve wha-" Bucky complained.

"I'm sorry..no I'm so sorry buck..I shouldn't have..God..what am I doing!?" Steve breathed out, letting go of his chin. He still haven't moved from his position though which was nice.

"What are you apologising for?? Steve are you dumb?" Bucky hissed, like he had mentioned before. Steve is still stupid. So what if he's all bulky and shit.

"I didn't ask!"

"Oh so you want my blessings? Here. Yes Steve you can use my mouth however you like to."

"Shut up.." Steve laughed, he moved, fucking finally Bucky thought, only to wrap his arms around Bucky's waist. "Never thought you'd be so delicate.."

Bucky rolled his eyes and smiled when Steve squeezed him closer.
"And I never thought you'd be so... different."

"Is that a bad different?"

"No.."
"Why did you pause..?"

"It's not a bad different Steve. I'm happy for you, I'm proud of you, you can have an arm or a leg missing and I'll still love you Stevie. I'm just not used to of the idea of you not needing me to rescue you..or to help you.." Bucky mumbled, his hands limp on Steve's chest.

Steve was giving him that soft smile that Bucky hated, it was too sweet, sickly sweet that people wore when they loved someone so deeply and their eyes could look at no one but them.

"Bucky..Bucky.." Steve whispered. "I'll always need you buck..even if I grow a third arm..or start flying, I'll always need my Bucky next to me." Steve lowered his head to press his forehead against Bucky's.

"Well I'm not leaving..." Bucky whispered back, he felt Steve shift and move his face to bury himself in Bucky's neck. Bucky moved, as if on cue, to wrap his arms around Steve's neck.

They just stood like that, Steve taking as much of Bucky's scent as he can and Bucky threading his fingers through Steve's soft hair, pressing him closer to himself until they were melting into each other, becoming one.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. They will finally close a chapter, get Zola, finish the red skull and come home where hopefully they can continue where they left off.

Chapter 4: Deep sleep.

Notes:

Pls remember. It captures scenes from the train so it does have violence.

It was a crisp morning, one of them still deep asleep, Bucky's soft snores carried across the tiny kitchen where Steve sat, riffling through some news.

Bucky woke up with a start, he always did these days. He groaned, placing his hand on his forehead.

Last night, Steve and bucky had stayed in each other's embrace for a long time, both soaking each other's scents, warmth, speaking unspoken thoughts that should have been said long ago but both of them dare not say anything in case something becomes too real for them to handle. Bucky was quiet because he knew Steve couldn't..and Steve was quiet because he was unsure.

Bucky sat up quietly, mind wandering back to their kiss. Well not much of a kiss, he snorted. A peck. But it was real and warm but nothing more.

Oh wait..Steve be here. His eyes roamed around the room before his ears registered the faint rustle of the newspaper.

His body stiffened, something that he had developed ever since he returned. Any noise or sound that felt off and Bucky's insides twisted horribly.

The surface felt cold under his feet when he peered at the source from behind the door.

Oh. It's Steve.

"Jeez Steve.. no calls?" Bucky teased, leaning against the door.

Steve looked up, smiling.

Both of them silent. Just like old times, Steve thought. It was always them at each other's apartments, mostly Bucky because he was either dragging Steve back from a fight or bringing him back from the hospital.

"Nothing for now."

"Good.."

"Did you sleep well." Steve looked at him, eyes searching his.

"Yea..why wouldn't I?" Bucky laughed, both of them knew that he was lying.

"You were mumbling a lot-"

"Yea I do that when someone decides to show up at night and show what a bad kisser they can be."

"Knock it off Buck." Steve said, eyes suddenly serious but the taunt didn't go unnoticed.

Bucky looked away, letting out a small groan when he noticed Steve getting up from where he sat and walked towards Bucky.

He didn't want to talk to him about it, not his nightmares eating his brain when he sleeps or anything remotely close to that. He won't let Steve know how scared he can get sometimes when he dreams of the blue flash of that damned weapons that evaporated soldiers from his unit, not when he thinks that he keeps feeling something burn him from inside, a disgusting reminder of whatever he had running in his veins.

"What?" Avoiding Steve's eyes.

"Bucky.." Steve mumbled, his voice low..he didn't have to say it out loud because he was right Infront of Bucky.

"Look I just had a dream, probably and I don't even remember it."

"We haven't had the chance to talk about it. We do now. Talk to me buck. What's bothering you?"

 

Steve raised his hands, placing them gently on Bucky's arms, stepping closer, extremely close. Why did Bucky look small, no..not small. Delicate. He looks soft. He never thought that Bucky could look soft. That's a first.

"Alright.. I'm just not fond of the weapons that hydra cooked up.." lies. Bucky muttered. Hoping it fools Steve. Because his nightmares go deeper than that.

"Yes, Howard thinks they are using something that's.. ancient actually..because what you described to colonel sounded like it's from a fairytale from long ago.." Steve said, Bucky didn't miss the way Steve pulled him closer.

"You'll be alright. We'll get Zola.." Steve paused when Bucky gulped tightly. "We'll get him buck..don't worry."

Sure. Yea sure we'll get him and when they do, he'll rip his brains out, he'll tear Zola to shreds for running his peace.

"Yea..we will.." Bucky smiled, finally. "Look at you.."

"What about me?" Steve smiled, his arms slipping down Bucky's arm and catching at his waist.

Oh lord. This. This is what scares Bucky more because this means admitting that he has feelings for Steve. Does Steve know what he's doing?

"You're big now Stevie. Look at you being protective. How does it feel to be so strong huh?" Bucky teased, squeezing Steve's arms trying to distract Steve who was now staring adoringly at Bucky.

"Come to think of it..I haven't really tested my strength you know.."

"Oh after all the hideouts you destroyed?? You still haven't?"

"We destroyed and no. What I meant..well." Steve raised his shoulders, thinking. "Well you know..like I know I'm extremely strong but my real strength when it comes to delicate things..how much can I hold back.." Steve breathed leaning closer, watching Bucky blink shyly before raising his eyes to finally meet his.

"Are you calling me delicate.. Cap-.." Bucky started, a hint of mockery but was cut off when steve brushed his lips gently against Bucky's.

"Quiet.." Steve murmured, so close.

Bucky's heart trying to beat its way out of his chest, why the fuck is Steve calm! Why is he doing that? Bucky's mind was a screaming mess. Fuccckkkkkk. Bucky screamed internally and suddenly it was quiet.

Because Steve was grabbing Bucky's chin, his free arm pushing Bucky against the door frame and their lips met.
Hot..his lips are hot and delicious, Bucky sighs into the kiss, his lips part and Steve finds the opening a golden chance to deepen his kiss. Steve tilted his head to get more of Bucky, the angle pressing Steve's tongue deeper into Bucky's mouth, exploring it, savoring it..

Steve moved his mouth against Bucky's, passionately, fiercely like they had been starving for each other. Bucky closed his eyes, all he could feel was how hot Steve's lips were and how softly they moved against his.

"Bucky.." Steve broke apart, muttering against his lips.

Bucky opened his eyes just for Steve to softly press his lips back again.
"Mmm" Bucky let out a soft noise

The air around them was warm. Soft, wet noises from their kiss filled the room which only added to the arousal both of them felt untlr that's all they could hear, bodies flush against one another, lips desperately latching back whenever Bucky needed to break apart to catch his breath.

KNOCK!

Bucky jumped so bad, his head almost hitting the frame he was pushed against.

Steve groaned angrily and pulled away from Bucky, both of them hating to be ripped apart. Whoever it was, he hopes their uniform stays uncomfortable the whole day, their undershirt moves out of the belt so that they have to open their whole goddamn uniform to fix that shit. Bucky cursed them in their head.

Steve rubbed his mouth once and opened the door.

"Peggy??" Steve exclaimed.

Bucky rolled his eyes into his skull, internally. Of course.

"Thought I'd find you here, Captain." She peeked around Steve to Bucky who smiled lazily and nodded. Still leaning against the frame.

"Yes yes..we uhh well..do they need me?"

"Yes. Briefing before you and your men leave for the mission." Peggy smiled and nodded at Bucky again before walking towards her car.

Did she have to come all the way, Bucky thought, walking towards his kitchen table.

"Bucky.."

"Yea yea.." he mumbled, looking up at Steve.

Steve looked at him apologetically, eyes lingering on Bucky before he nodded and walked out.

Well shit. This ended beautifully.

 

_____________________________

 

It was early and the wind was sharp, it gnawed at their cheeks, their nose and their hands. Bucky stood quietly, his hands on his belt, his fingers brushing over the trigger, unconsciously.

This mission wasn't going to be easy, if it was Zola travelling to whatever his destination was, he'd be heavily guarded. Zola means more weapons or experimental serums, Bucky shuddered a little at that thought.

"Hydra's got weapons, ammunition and gadgets that are powered by the tesseract. Avoid facing them head on, come from behind, aim from a distance and never engage if you are alone." Steve ordered.

The group stood near the edge of the cliff, the zip line ready.

Bucky peeked over the edge of the mountain, oh god. His heart skipped a beat and he raised his eyebrows, disgruntled at the distance.

It had to be that high and it had to be a train. He focused on Steve whose eyes were moving from one guy to the other.

"Hey Steve..." Bucky called.
Steve looked over and walked closer, standing next to him.

The gaping gap between them and the train track was screaming up at them.

"Remember the last time I made you ride the cyclone on coney island?"

"Yea...I threw up." Steve said, looking ahead.

Bucky smiled. "This isn't payback, is it?"

Steve smiled brighter and looked back at Bucky who was looking serious but amused.

"Now would I do that?"

Steve laughed. Cocky bastard. Bucky snickered.

"Let's go...we better get in position." Steve yelled, grabbing on to the cable. He glanced once at Bucky, nodded and pushed himself off of the cliff.

Bucky's heart was pounding. It had to be this!! it had to be this? Bucky shoved the thought back and quickly followed behind.

If Steve's going, he's going. The thought of Steve alone in the train kind of scared him even though he knew that Steve does not need help like that.

Landing with silent thumps, Bucky watched Steve push his way in.
He scanned the area, and jumped in after Steve, gun poised.

The shield flew and smacked two to three men down.

Fuck, Bucky thought, a very sane response for a situation like that when both of them saw the door slide shit between them.

Shit! Bullets flew over his head and he slammed against the wall, taking cover behind the boxes. Deep breaths and BANGGG BANGGG

Bucky shot once, twice, ducking behind, He took cover for a brief second, tightening his hold on his rifle. He took a deep breath when he rose and shot.

Clickkkk, out of ammo.

Shit!!! Cold sweat dampened his skin and his heart hammered against his chest, pounding so loud it almost shattered his ear drums. His lips trembled as he clutched his gun closer, even though it was just useless now that it was out of ammunition. Fuck this is it! Bucky braced for pain, for death. He knew this was it. His mind raced until he felt like puking.

"BUCK!"
His eyes snapped open and he saw Steve throw him a gun, his training made him catch it before he could process what was happening, muscle memory forcing him to get up and shoot the enemy in the chest.

"I had him..on the ropes."
Steve looked at him in disbelief like is that a time!?

Before Bucky could register what was happening, Steve jumped in front of him, pushing him behind his body.

Bucky caught sight of the heavy armour, blue light, two huge cannon-like guns pointed at them. Bucky's eyes widened as he grabbed Steve from behind before both were swept off of their feet by the impact from the explosive shot at them.

The train was blown apart from the shot and the guy was just getting ready to shoot again.

Bucky acted before he could think, he knew Steve was down having caught the brunt of it and he could give him time.

He grabbed the shield so his body won't be blown to bits from the next shot because there was no way he could dodge it. Does he stand a chance against that..creature? No. He knows. But Steve will.

TEEENNNBANGGG!!

Bucky's breath was knocked out of his chest, like being struck by a million bats at the same time and he fell back. His back hit the wall and it broke under him.

His hands grabbed desperately at anything because he could feel the ground, wall anything that was left, slip from beneath him.

No no no no. His mind screamed as the cold wind rushed out to meet his hands and face which means he's no longer in the train and it could only mean one thing
He groaned when his hand caught something cold.

Bucky closed his eyes as he felt the bar shudder and move under him, the centrifugal force almost ripping him in half.

"Bucky!!!!"

He opened his eyes, Steve. Steve is here. You'll fall! He wanted to warn but the bar groaned under his hands.

Steve's hand reached out to Bucky, desperation painting his face, eyes wild. Bucky reached out.. almost there..their fingertips brushing, I got him..I got him, Steve chanted to himself when his footing slipped.
It happened in seconds, Steve turned around to grab the handle, steadying himself when he heard his name.

"STEVE!" One last cry before it snapped and the bar gave in. Bucky's heart jumped to his throat before an ear splitting screaming ripped out of his mouth and he fell.

In what felt like only seconds, Bucky slammed into something hard, that knocked the wind out of his lungs, shattering his bones, which ones?.. that he didn't know. He screamed at the fire..no pain..or is it fire that engulfed his body before he rolled down on the snow, crashing on the rock below him.

His head hit something hard with a sickening crack and he felt it split open staining the snow crimson.

It was suddenly very quiet. Too quiet.

This is how I die..like my father..Bucky thought, his body unmoving, eyes towards the sky.
He couldn't move even if he tried to but right now his mind decided to shut down, give him one moment of peace before the pain takes his life.

Gratitude and regret washed over him, gratitude that Steve was safe and regret that he won't follow Steve to their next mission.

Bucky's eyelids flickered, his chest heaving desperately drawing in wet and bloody gasps of breath before he lost consciousness.

Chapter 5: The red star.

Notes:

Hey guys. Sorry for the late update
This chapter is long I knowww ;--; but I hope you like it.

It was cold, it was painful and it was unfamiliar, like an obscured dream watching from under muddy waters.

He heard a gurgled breath, a wet raspy intake of a gasp. Oh god! Steve's having an episodic cough, one of those where Steve almost drowned in the fluid that gathered in his chest suffocating him from inside because he could feel himself suffocating. He couldn't breathe as well mirroring Steve's pain. He needs to get up! Steve needs him!

"It's a soldier..he's lost his-" A pause before Bucky's bitter dark reality sank in. It's him. The raspy breathing, the suffocation in his chest, that's blood and he remembered suddenly that he'd fallen, a hundred feet below.

The men could see Bucky's eyes hooded, barely open but trying to find the source of the voice.

His arm had severed off from the force of the collision from various rocks, the blood from his head and body was seeping into the river next to him. How the soldier was still alive— was a surprise to the men on patrolling duty.

Bucky felt a drag, he was being yanked by his feet, the arms under his shoulders were rough when they picked him up.

About time, Bucky mumbled to himself, speech garbled. He knew it, Steve was going to come. He didn't want him to come but his body was yearning to be saved. If he was dying, it might as well be in the arms of the man he loves, to let death take him when he's forgotten all about the pain and is ready to leave, letting the icy blue eyes stare into him, lovingly for one last time.

Bucky was in and out of consciousness when his body was dropped with a heavy thud, a rumble of engine started somewhere. They're traveling somewhere. A hospital? Medical ward for soldiers?

Relief washed over his body when he heard some muted conversation about a colonel, sergeant and something about taking him to the chief. His adrenaline was either too high or his body felt frozen because at the moment he didn't feel anything. His arm numb..wait why is it numb? He did a quick recon, mentally.

Oh fuck- wow. That was a mistake..Bucky thought. His body had started aching now, a dull throb and the steadily growing pinpricks around his arms alarmingly sharp. If they were trying to save him, they should hurry because he could feel himself fade.

Steve must be worried, Bucky thought. Steve has always been watched over, protected, hugged, rescued and kept under Bucky's wings whenever he needed him, hell no, even when he didn't need Bucky, Bucky was there. So to watch Bucky in this state must be worrisome for his Steve.

Steve used to joke that Bucky had a tracker on him and he'd find him whenever he was in trouble. In the dirty corners of the street to random police stations. He'd always always come back for him. Always.

So he wasn't surprised when his mind kept convincing him that he'll meet Steve..he'll get him out of here. Anytime now and he'll see the worried face of his dumb friend who he probably scared to death.

The doors slide open with a grating screech, cold ice rusted their hinges. More noises, more men. The sounds were all muddled to Bucky's ears who couldn't actually understand or comprehend where he was.

Florescent lights came in and out of Bucky's view as his eyes shifted in and out of focus.

This seemed horribly familiar. It's the lights. Too bright. No... Bucky whispered. Noo. This is the same place.. it's him..this isn't Steve and it's not his base camp back in Brooklyn.

The men grunted before pushing Bucky roughly on the ground, he fell hard with a solid thud, scraping his hands and face against the rough cement.

Shit. This is different. Thud thud thuddd thuddd. His heartbeat picking up pace when the voices garbled into one and his mind grasped at the straws of the remaining bit of sanity.

"Ice him..until further notice.. doctor's orders. Trust in him. He'll make it here." A very slurred russian voice buzzed near his ear.

Bucky's head tilted to the right catching sight of thick heavy boots next to his face.

THWACK! Bucky's head snapped to the side, searing hot pain travelled up his cheek where he had been struck.

The men laughed. It was always a joke to them to treat prisoners like an object. They had heard whispers of Zola's experiment being a success, they were ordered to keep him safe and in one piece.

"This one isn't going to make it..the doctor must have been crazy.."
"Hey pretty...what happened to you?"

Heavy laughter filled the room, Bucky felt sick. Somebody grabbed his chin and yanked his face back forcing him to meet his eyes.

"St..isn't....." Steve isn't here...Steve isn't here...it's not him.

"What are you garbling about huh??"
"F.." Bucky tried but the pain was intolerable so he gave up but the message was clear enough.

The man roughly pulled him up earning a soft groan from Bucky, cheek split open from the metal coated boat.

"Come on love, save that mouth for later. Let's keep you warm and cozy until our doctor comes and makes the most of you..won't be cursing us then, will you?" laughter erupted around the room again. Bucky huffed, breath escaping in short gasps. His ribs were still pretty broken.

He was thrown in a small coffin-like container, steel and metal, his body collapsing on the floor once the support that held him up left. There wasn't much room for him to move, just crumple on the ground and feel the cylindrical walls push at his back and legs.

The door slammed shut.
He has to believe that Steve is coming, he has to or he'll go insane. He can't give up on him not when he went to so much trouble to bring him back. He'll stay alive just enough for Steve to bring him home. Please..just take me home.. Bucky pleaded.

He wheezed and coughed, something wet splattering across his hand. That's disgusting, Bucky thought, knowing it's pretty weird to be disgusted about the wet thing on his hand when he's been through hell already...and this is what bothered him?

Strange beeping and electron noises filled his chamber, echoing loudly. Bucky raised his head, just enough before he felt the knife like cold slice his body.

White frost filled the room, tiny icicles rapidly forming around the glass, covering the wall and coating the clothes with tiny ice particles.

Bucky's blood froze first, crystallizing at a speed faster than light, cutting his veins while freezing some. His skin hardened as his organs and flesh froze from inside out. He only had time to frown before his body froze brining him to a statue like stillness.

The room paused its breath when the crackling of dendrites collided, freezing all that breathed.

The man peered in and smiled. It's done. He's gone until thawed, a sick joke to these people.

____________________________________
After Operation paperclip

 

Zola walked around the the cell which held the frozen body of his subject.

Remarkable. He's survived the fall, it means it's been working. He hadn't doubted his skills but to see it work this well so silently swelled his chest with pride.
The men were busy punching buttons to turn off the cryofreeze process.

"Bring him out. Put him on the chair and bind him. Our soldier will be weary of his surroundings for now."

The door buzzed open and tons of the frost blew out of the door.

They grabbed the now soft body of their prisoner and strapped him to the chair. Everybody stared at him. This was entirely something new to them.

His breathing was low but nothing like that of a man who had just woken up from sleep. No, it was laboured and harsh. Short, quick shallow breaths like he was in pain.

It was quick, movement trained and professional. They strapped him in, right arm secured under heavy metal rings, legs and torso wrapped with the same cold material.

Bucky's eyes flickered, not really seeing anything however he could feel stuff and boy could he feel it. His mouth parted in a silent groan, he was still too weak to talk. His body felt like it was on fire, mouth dry .

Just two minutes ago he was being thrown into the room, why hasn't this ended?? Wasn't he supposed to die in that coffin well ironically the room had been a vertical grave for Bucky but why is he alive?

A very high pitched whir snapped his mind back into the present and his eyes followed the sound—

It's his arm. Bucky could only stare at his left arm which was strapped and held in place by his upper arm because the rest of his arm had been severed off, blood dripping down to the floor with a steady tap.

Before the horror could sink in, Bucky's body jolted, horribly. The sharp whirring wasn't just in his head.

The electric drill dug its way into Bucky's skin and he screamed.

Fuck it hurts, no that would be an understatement. It felt like being bitten by a million teeth at the same time.

"STO-" Bucky shrieked not recognising his own voice. The pain was growing and Bucky's screams intensified.

The straps kept him down otherwise he'd have fallen out of the chair. His body shook violently trying to escape the source of pain.

Please stop, pleasee stop! Please! Bucky's mind begged and begged. He didn't have it in him to speak, all he could do was scream and scream hoping they'd take pity and leave him. But now was also a good time to die so please let him die, Bucky thought.

What felt like hours was just a matter of seconds in reality when they sliced the rest of his arm off up to his shoulder. Time is truly relevant, when you need it to slow down, it runs all the faster, and when you want it to hurry, it drags. Time's a bitch.

Zola nodded, somewhere in the corner of the room watching Bucky scream and thrash.

"No sedatives.." he wrote down mercilessly. He wants to see how far his subject can take it. How far can he push him before he snaps.

Bucky gasped, his throat raw from screaming. The blood splashed down on the floor, he could hear it, smell it because the room was filled with the metallic scent of his blood. He was familiar with it, he's seen it a lot in a battle field so it wasn't new to him but being splashed, covered in his own blood was.

"Pl..ea..se.." Bucky choked. Please kill him..please he'd rather die. He might actually die soon enough because he could feel his body shut down.

His arm limp in his restraints, eyes flickering and trying to stay open, mouth parted open as his breath shuddered out of him. He's lost a lot of blood.
His eyes slid shut, head lolling to his side, no more energy to keep his head up.

"Vitals?"

"Steady sir."

"Good...he's doing better than I expected. Get some blood samples and hand the results to me in my office." Zola ordered.

The doors opened and closed as the men brought in the special order. Everyone in the room was holding their breath. They haven't ever done something like this. Their only experience was the experiment going horribly wrong for Schmidt.

"Sergeant Barnes.." Zola called.

Bucky heard him. What does he want now? He mumbled to himself something about fuck you and go to hell but it came out as a whisper. He opened his eyes which weighed a ton now

The smell of sterile gauze, disinfectant and something weird blew into his nose, scrunching his face. It's disgusting. It's like being back in the medical camp after a battle where the wounded were being treated, amputee's being taken care of.

A wave of nausea hit Bucky, groaning he opened his eyes trying to signal that he was about to throw up when his eyes met something extremely shiny.
For a second he thought it was another piece of equipment to rip him open for one of their sick experiments.

"You are going to be the new face of hydra and one of my most perfect experiments. A successful one. One which could change the history of war." Zola trailed off not finishing his sentence.

"Let's get to work."
"Sedatives sir?"
"No.."

Why?? Bucky let out a panicked whimper. Hasn't he had enough? The phantom pain of his arm being sliced off was still very very much alive. It rattled his bones still. He can't have more of that he'll die. It's a surprise he was still alive given all the horror he had to face.

"He can take it.." Zola ordered, smiling a sickening smile at Bucky.

"N..o-" Bucky shuddered as another wave of pain shook his body.
"It's going to be alright."

The men brought the surgical trolley near the bed where he was. Something cold, extremely cold touched his left shoulder and he jolted, a mixture of pain and a toxic smell burned his nose and throat.

They rubbed tons of disinfectant over his arm, Bucky's heart quickened when he saw the equipment that was going to be used on him. This can't be for him? He thought his eyes scanned the welding equipment that was now dangerously close to his wound.

Bucky's chest heaved, gasping when the machine whirred shooting sparks, it touched his skin as another man brought the metal arm, pressing it against his shoulder.

Bucky screamed a blood curdling scream, when his vision blacked out, he couldn't see but feel it. It burned his skin. He tried to reach out with his right hand to claw at his left arm but the restraints kept them from moving.

Bucky's body jolted, he couldn't move or chase the pain or scratch the source of all the pain away so he just cried out, a defeated cry. He sobbed, he screamed and in the middle of that he realized that he's been screaming someone's name over and over and over until he felt the name burn its imprint into his mind.

The soldiers were definitely disturbed but they stood ready, poised to attack if anything goes wrong.

Zola was watching intently curious about the name that fell out of his mouth, a method of keeping his sanity. He knew who he was screaming about. The infamous Captain..the inseparable duo..who didn't know about them. He wrote that down, and important note. This can be used in ways even Bucky wouldn't know.

The metal arm burned and melted its way into his skin, sizzling and searching its path hungrily into Bucky's skin until they became one and Bucky's screams ricocheted around the lab and into the dirty walls of the lab.

_______________________________________

 

"It's already working at a speed which we didn't expect."
"And what of his skills?"

"Oh don't worry. My serum has done all the work. It has targeted his most prized skills and multiplied them. Strength, speed, stealth..you name it."
"What of the fighting? Hand to hand combat?"
"Oh he'll be receiving the training soon. Leave that to us."

"He better be perfect. We can't have hydra underwater for so long. It's already faced enough damage from their piece of shit of a Captain."

"Of course.."

Zola walked inside the lab, the walls were well memorized by now. He's been working with s.h.i.e.l.d as a pardon giving them his ideas, working and contributing but also reviving hydra from under their nose. They forget how dangerous he can be.

"Is he awake?" Zola asked, looking around to see his masterpiece.

His said masterpiece was breathing slowly, a small frown plastered between his eyebrows. His eyes traveled to the new arm they had roughly burnt and attached to his skin.

"James.." Bucky's eyes flickered open, a dazed look on his face.

His head was pounding horribly. It's the same fucking room, Bucky hissed, his hands moved. They weren't held down this time.

Bucky paused, wait...hands? He raised his arms and stared, lazily, at his left arm, the one which was clearly not there before he passed out or wait it? Why can't he remember that? His eyes focused on his hand but he couldn't think. He shook his head to clear his mind but nothing. His brain was too foggy, pounding nauseatingly.

It's silver, extremely shiny. He flexed his fingers, testing. The doctor in a lab coat moved in Bucky's peripheral, Bucky's eyes snapped towards him.

Before any of them could register what happened, Bucky's metal hand whipped out and grabbed him by the neck. The man let out a pathetic squeak.

Bucky's hand tightened into a crushing grip, his frown deepened. He hissed as a sharp needle pierced his skin and his hand dropped to his side.

This is not right..none of it is. Bucky thinks. He doesn't understand why he only remembers things vaguely and why he keeps waking up to different scenes.

He prays silently, a whisper to anyone who is listening, he prays that Steve finds him and finds him soon because he doesn't know how long he can keep this up because he's so close to praying for death and he can't keep his promise to Steve. It's too much. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't.

Bucky's eyes flickered shut, tears betraying him as they fell, for what felt like the hundredth time to him.

Chapter 6: Memories.

Notes:

Double update!!! Yaaayy
Enjoy!!

Bucky woke up, falling forward on his knees. Where the fuck is he now, he seethed, his metal hand was on the ground while the other rested on his knee.

"Get up, soldier." Somebody grabbed him roughly and pulled him up.

Bucky glared at him. How long has he been asleep now?
"What are you looking at?" The man spat, pushing Bucky.
Bucky didn't say anything but followed. He didn't feel anything, nothing. His flexed his fingers, strange. They don't hurt. His body didn't hurt at all. He followed the guy quietly. He could attack him but that meant more torture. More pain who knew what they had in store for him so Bucky stayed quiet.

"Today is a new day soldier. Ready for more?" He could hear a menacing smile in his voice. He didn't say anything.

"Say something?" He growled, his hand grabbed Bucky's shirt from behind and pushed him, turning him around to face him.

"Smug huh? For someone who's getting their brain wiped today..don't have anything to say?"

"Fuck you." And he could visibly hear Steve curse at him for running his mouth at odd places.

Bucky could see the anger flash in the guards eye, before he could be satisfied, the man pushed him against the wall, hard and punched him in the guts.

Bucky coughed, doubling over, before another kick landed on his face. Bucky crashed against the wall, sliding down, his breathing heavy.

The russian walked up to Bucky, steps furious, boy did he get under his skin—bucky thought before he grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pulled him up.

"You run your mouth now pretty boy but the moment we get our hands on you, you won't be able to utter a single shit out of that mouth." He breathed angrily, his face close, Bucky could smell the disgusting breath.

It didn't escape his notice when the soldier pushed himself harshly against him, gluing him to the wall.
"Want to say something now?" The man whisperered.

Bucky was going to hit him when another man entered the hallway.

"Bring him in. What are you doing??"

"Just having fun sir.."

"We need him right now. Pull that crap later when they'll hand him over to us for training."

The men grabbed Bucky by the arm, Bucky felt sick, he could easily push them or hurt them but the thought of their intentions made him sick to the stomach.

They made their way into the room where the similar chair stood, quiet and daunting. It wasn't anything new to him. Not anymore.

"Alright soldier. Are you ready?" A man in the lab coat mumbled, pulling Bucky towards the chair, it was seated up today, Bucky noticed and two metal plates, held by huge machinery were attached next to where the head of the chair was.

Bucky gulped, frowning. Does he have to answer that.

They pushed him on the chair, quickly strapping his arms, legs, waist and securing his head with a strap over his forehead.

"Alright. I want you think of your most memorable moments..in a detail that seems real, like you are living in it."

"Why?" Bucky rasped. No way are they going to use his memories to hurt his loved ones not knowing what awaited him.

"Because this might be the last time you can think of these." The doctor stared at him, judging him.

"What..." Bucky looked back at the doctor, horror and fear evident in his eyes. They can't strip of the only thing that helped him keep his sanity. They can't do that. That's not possible, how can they do that it's just not something anyone can do?

"In order for you to be the first soldier for hydra. We'll be wiping you clean of everything that made you you before we train you and refine you into our finest asset."

Asset? Wiping? Is that what the guy threatened him of?

The brought the metal plates closer, attaching them to his face. His heart beat quickened, his chest heaving, he doesn't want to think of them. No. Noo.

The men turned a small valve, all eyes on Bucky when electricity zapped and flowed directly from the machine into his brain.

Bucky screamed, his body stiffening from the current that flowed across his body like molten lava, his brain was on fire, his neurons firing faster than the speed of light. The restraints held him down as his body shook by the force of the seizure that the current jump started.

And suddenly,

His mother's face flashed before his eyes, his mom, his sisters, laughter echoed in his mind, kids playing in the garden, his mother's voice calling him and his siblings for dinner, the smell of home cooked meal filled his mouth. Mom..he whispered crying....ma.. she brushed his hair back, tucking him in his warm blanket, I love James. She whispered.
Another burst of electricity jolted him, another memory flooded his vision like a movie being played over and over.

It's them. It's Steve and bucky in the playground, Bucky laughing at Steve who stumbled over a rock and fell. Steve and bucky in college laughing at a joke someone mumbled in hushed voices as the teacher gave the lecture. Bucky and Steve, Steve and bucky..

It's them. It was night. Bucky's arms wrapped around Steve as their lips moved in sync, tasting each other. Bucky breathing in Steve's mouth before Steve latched back and caught Bucky's lips in his, their bodies pressed close together, so close that Bucky could feel his heartbeat.

He needed Steve, he needs him now. Why haven't you come! He begged, all in his mind, his vision and consciousness flitting in and out of focus shifting from the reality to the dreams he was submerged in.

His memories played over his screams oblivious to the torture.

Bucky screamed and screamed until his throat felt raw, scratched and bloody.

He could see Steve now. His face. So close and all he wanted was to leap in and hold him, for him to pull him away from whatever fate had in store for him but God just pull me away from here, Steve. He's talking in his mind, if he wasn't strapped to the chair or in this situation, he'd call himself crazy.

Steve..he cried, and desperately tried to reach out, his hands curling and twisting under his straps.

More current flew through his brain and more and more of his memories resurfaced before they became all botched and blurry. He panics when he realizes he can't see them anymore, it's all black. Steve's face...he can't recall it. He could see him but like a distant foggy memory like a forgotten phone number..his mom..how many siblings did he have? Why did he leave? Why was he here? Why was Steve not here? Who was Steve??? What did he look like? What's happening! So loud! So loud! Bucky screams and it's gone.

Something snaps and Bucky's head slams back on the chair when the restraints on the straps hold him back from twitching and thrashing off of the chair onto the floor..

It's silent.

Zola and the other doctors looked at him, observing him. No one dared move.

Bucky's eyes snapped open. Mind still buzzing from the previous ordeal. But it's silent now. He's quiet. He was too confused to say anything much less feel anything.

He blinked slowly, frowning, trying to remember how he got here, what is he doing here? He scrunched his face.

"Soldier." Pure russian.

He looked up. His eyes weary. Who is he?

"Do you know who you are?" In English.

"..no.."

"You are our soldier.. you have been rescued by hydra. We gave you a new name, an identity. Do you understand?"

"...no.." he whispers softly.

"You are here for a reason. You are here to serve mankind, to free it from all sorts of oppression. You will give freedom to mankind in ways it has never been possible. You are the key to our success."

Bucky could only stare, his mind blank. He could only hope that's correct because if not then he doesn't know who he is. Because if that's not the case then he's disposable, a man with no name and no purpose is as good as dead.

"We will train you, you'll learn at a speed faster than any other human so you'll be able to move on quickly."

Bucky was quiet, taking in all the information. Something didn't sit right with him..if he was to serve mankind then why is he so heavily guarded and why is he strapped down so he just observes. His senses heightened as his brain was abnormally quiet.

"We'll begin soon soldier." Zola said his face remained unchanged as he jotted down notes on his red little notebook. Bucky saw a star, embossed on the cover.

"Nod for yes.." Zola commanded.

Bucky remained still.

"Soldier.." Zola repeated and something sharp hit Bucky across the face. Somebody had punched him. He looked up at Zola who was staring at him indifferently. "Please respond."

Bucky didn't, his breathing uneven as his cheekbone throbbed with pain.

Another punch hit him exactly where he was punched before, the soldier or whoever punched him grabbed him by his hair and pushed his head back baring his throat.

"RESPOND SOLDIER!" he placed a knife against his skin, pressing it enough that beads of blood appeared.

"No.." he gritted out through his teeth. Smack! Another hit.
"He needs disciplining. Leave him to us for a while and we'll handle him." The russian spat, tightening his grip on his hair.

Bucky hissed as he felt the harsh tug on his hair, his roots burning in protest.

"Keep him sedated and he's yours. Treat my soldier with respect.." Zola sneered at him, both knowing that respect was the last thing in their vocabulary. "Know well that his tolerance for pain exceeds all imagination. So be creative.."

The men agreed, unbuckling the straps around his body. Their hands made their way around Bucky, holding him up, Bucky became aware of the blood that dripped from his mouth, his teeth and now his cheek which was busted open by their fists.

They dragged him out of the room, Bucky dreaded whatever was on its way for him. He knows they'll have to break him apart for him to agree to anything they have to say because he won't. So he clenches his teeth and waits for the punishment that was coming for him.

Notes:

Thank you for leaving comments! It means the world to me and really boosts my morale! Love you to the moon and back!

Notes:

Pls let me know what you think about it! It's really encouraging..