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Buck opened his eyes. That wasn’t his ceiling. He wasn’t in his bed. He tried to lift his head but his vision swam and he closed his eyes for a moment to try and get it under control. He swallowed and it hurt. Everything hurt. His head ached, his arm throbbed, his lungs were burning, and his injured leg screamed. His whole body felt broken. Like he’d been hit by a car and set on fire.
No. Like he’d been hit by a car then drowned.
He tried to open his eyes again. Things were steadier this time. He was lying on some sort of camp bed or cot, covered in a scratchy blanket. He tried to move to sit up, but he felt a painful tug on his arm. Slowly, so slowly, he turned his head and realised he was hooked up to an IV. He didn’t remember that. Then, as if his ears suddenly started working, a wave of sound washed over him. A mix of jumbled voices, people crying, beeping machines.
Where was he? What had happened?
Buck gently raised himself onto the arm that hurt slightly less and looked around. He was on a low camp bed. One of many. All around him people were sleeping, or lying on beds talking with others pressed close by them. There was very little space. Some people were being checked by medical staff. Others were crying, either in the arms of loved ones or curled in on themselves, alone.
He was alone.
Buck shrugged out from under the blanket and took in the state of his clothes, his body. Everything he was wearing was ruined. Torn, stained, stiff with dirt. His skin felt stiff, too, encrusted with god only knew what.
But it wasn’t just his clothes that were ruined. His body was too. He could see a bandage on his forearm, white and clean against the grime on his skin. He could see bruising over his arms and, lifting what was left of his shirt, he saw it continued across his entire torso. It looked like he’d been painted in dark shades of green, purple and black. There were cuts in places, shallow scrapes mostly, some seemingly deeper and covered by steri-strips to keep the edges of the wound together. As he moved, he felt a flash of pain and a familiar tugging across his back. Another wound there, too, he thought. That one had been stitched. He realised that was probably what was under the bandage on his arm too.
Something had happened. Something bad. But not just to him. To lots of people. What the hell was going on?
Buck felt exhausted in both his body and his mind. Like at the end of a hard 48hour shift. He felt almost like he was floating. Then he wondered if there was pain medication in the IV. That might explain why his head was so cloudy. And why, despite everything hurting, it didn’t feel anywhere near as bad as it should, looking at the wrecked state he was in.
He ran a tired hand across his face, and winced the at new pain this caused. He had scratches across his face, from his forehead to his cheek. It struck him, just in passing, that he was lucky his eye was Ok.
What had happened? He surely should remember. Buck sighed in frustration.
What did he remember? What was the last thing in his tired brain?
Eddie. He’d brought Chris over that morning. Pretending to need a sitter but Buck has seen through that and knew his friend was doing it to help him, without making it awkward. Buck had loved that about Eddie. It was just one of the many things Buck loved about his best friend. His beautiful and wonderful best friend.
Buck knew he was in love with Eddie Diaz. He’d had feelings for guys before, but they had been more nebulous, easier to ignore. But this was like a laser, burning into Buck’s soul.
He loved Eddie, and he also loved Chris. Spending the day with him was just what Buck needed, and he loved Eddie knew that and had trusted him with his son.
They’d gone to the pier. Him and Christopher.
Christopher
“Where did all the water go?”
Buck’s memory hit him like, well, a tsunami. The wave, the ladder truck, all those people in the water- some he could save, some already gone. I-spy. Losing Chris to the water as it hit again on its return to the ocean.
Walking. Searching. Helping as he went.
Calling Maddie. Seeing Eddie across the chaos.
Then nothing. Waking up here.
He hadn’t found him. Hadn’t found Chris.
He’d lost Christopher.
And he’d wasted time lying here in a makeshift hospital bed instead of being out there looking for him.
Buck reached up to touch Chris’s glasses round his neck. They’d at least been a connection, a comfort. But they were gone. He’d lost them too.
Another flash of memory. Giving the glasses to Eddie. He’d told Eddie. Seen the horror he felt reflected on the face of the man he adored.
Eddie must hate him.
Buck felt the tears come, stinging as they touched the cuts to his face. He needed to find Chris. Bring him home safe.
The field hospital was a mess. No one was paying him any attention. He unhooked himself from the IV and forced himself up into a sitting position, ignoring the screaming from his battered body. He could do this.
He took a moment, waiting for the world to stop spinning. Then he pushed himself to his feet.
He almost fell, immediately. A flash of white-hot pain flowed through his injured leg as he put pressure on it. The world tilted dangerously and swam out of focus for a beat.
A hand steadied him. A stranger, voice filled with concern.
“You OK, man? Should you be going anywhere?”
Buck’s vision settled and he turned to see a man in an LAFD uniform. Not more than a boy really, younger even than him. He could see from the kid’s uniform he was still at the academy. They must have called everyone in, all hands…
He tried to smile. “Need the bathroom. Be right back”.
The young guy relaxed. “They’re over by the triage point” he said, gesturing. “You want me to come with you?”
Buck was trying to think of a reason why not, but luckily someone nearby called for help.
“You go help them, man” Buck told him. “I’ll be fine. I’ll take it easy and come straight back.”
The kid flashed a grateful smile. “I’ll make sure they don’t reassign your bed” he called back as he hurried away.
Buck took a couple of deep breaths. Then he set off, knowing he had to find Chris. It was more important than anything else. It was still dark outside, but the first fingers of dawn were touching the sky. It would be light soon. It hurt Buck’s heart to think that Chris had been lost and probably alone in the dark. He must be so scared.
Buck was scared. Scared he wouldn’t find Chris. Scared he would, but that it would be too late.
He still had to try. For Chris. For Eddie.
Buck set off, back out into the chaos.
————————————————————
Eddie Diaz held his son protectively as the doctor checked him out. Clung to him was more accurate. The moment of terror, seeing Buck, his body paying witness to everything he’d been through. Buck standing there without Christopher. Buck handing him Chris’s glasses, trying to find the words to say the impossible, that Chris was gone.
But then, the instant miracle. Chris was there. He was safe, in Eddie’s arms.
Then he saw Buck collapse, surrendering to everything he’d been through. Eddie had wanted to reach for him, to hold him, but he had Chris. The rest of the 118 had Buck. Bobby, Hen and Chim. Buck was safe and in good hands.
There would be time.
Eddie took Chris to get him checked. His own training told him Chris was fine, but he needed confirmation. Because how was that possible? How had Chris survived a tsunami with barely a scratch and a couple of bruises?
As they waited to be seen, Chris told his dad about the day. Eddie heard about pancakes, about the fairground, about winning a giant teddy bear that was lost and would need to be replaced. About cotton candy. About talking to Buck about growing up to be an astronaut, or a pirate. Or a fire fighter.
About the water disappearing.
About the wave.
Chris told Eddie about Buck saving him, swimming them to the ladder truck. About Buck saving countless others. With Chris’s help, because they were a team. Eddie heard how Buck played I-spy with Chris. How they talked. How Buck had hugged Chris to keep him warm.
He heard how Buck had made sure someone had eyes on Chris every time he had to go help someone else.
Chris told him how he’d fallen back into the water, and he’d seen Buck jump straight in after him. How Chris had grabbed onto a street sign but lost his glasses and so couldn’t see Buck even though he could hear him calling.
Eddie heard how the water had separated his son from his best friend, and he knew what that would have done to Buck. The fear Eddie had felt for just a moment earlier would have lived in Buck’s head for hours.
Chris finished his story, explaining how a lady called Maria had found him and brought him to the field hospital. They looked for Buck as they walked but never found him.
Eddie knew the rest. He’d seen the state Buck was in. He’d never stopped. Never stopped looking, never stopped trying. It had broken him.
Buck. He needed to see Buck. To see he was OK. Eddie held half his world, Chris, tightly in his arms. The other half was somewhere in the field hospital in who knew what condition.
Buck was the other half of Eddie’s world. Half his heart. Eddie had had feelings for his best friend for a while. They’d exploded into something more in the aftermath of nearly losing Buck to the ladder truck and then the embolism. What Eddie felt was more than you felt for even the closest friend. He wasn’t sure what that meant for his sexuality, and he wasn’t sure that Buck would feel the same. So he’d kept a lid on things while he tried to process everything.
While he worked out how to tell Buck.
But Eddie knew Buck was hurting and he couldn’t see him suffer, so he’d arranged things so Chris would spend the day with Buck and hopefully cheer him up.
And Eddie had nearly lost them both. He felt his eyes fill, but he blinked the tears away. He should be grateful, happy even, that Chris and Buck were safe.
The doctor was just finishing the checks on Chris when Bobby found them.
“How‘s Chris doing?” Bobby asked, eyes full of concern.
The doctor answered before Eddie could. “He’s absolutely fine. Scratches we’ve cleaned. Nothing that needs to be treated. Bruises, but very minor. Talking to him, he doesn’t even seem to be traumatised. He was scared at times, yes, but he had someone with him that he trusted and made him feel safe.” The doctor paused for a beat, then added “I don’t know who Buck is, but you and your son owe him a very great deal.”
Eddie knew that already. He thanked the doctor, who was already moving onto their next patient.
“I want to see Buck” Chris said in a tired but determined voice. “I want to see he’s Ok too, and then we can take him home with us. That’s Ok, isn’t it Daddy?”
Eddie looked at Bobby. He already knew Buck hadn’t come out of this as well as Christopher. “How is Buck, Bobby? Where is he?” Eddie couldn’t hide the urgency in his voice.
Bobby smiled at that. He suspected that Eddie held the same feelings for Buck that Buck had for Eddie. Neither had said anything, and he didn’t know Eddie well enough yet to be sure, but Buck was an open book. He wore his heart on his sleeve and Bobby could see that that heart now belonged to Eddie. It had for a while.
“He’s Ok, Eddie. Hurt but Ok. He’d lost a lot of blood…” Bobby heard Eddie mumble darkly about blood thinners… “and he’s dehydrated and exhausted. Hen and Chim checked him out and patched what they could and we found him a bed. The doctors stitched and dressed some of his worse cuts, and he’s hooked up to an IV for fluids and antibiotics. Probably pain meds too. He’s covered in bruises and scrapes, and he really needs an MRI scan to rule out any internal bleeding. He’s on the waiting list to be transferred to Cedars as soon as that’s possible. He’s being monitored for now though. He’s sleeping, and probably won’t wake up for hours”.
Eddie sighed. So Buck wasn’t doing great, but it could have been a whole lot worse. He just needed to see him.
“Can you show us where, Bobby? What about it mijo, shall we go check on Buck?”
Chris cheered tiredly and they followed Bobby through the maze of cots, back to Buck’s bed.
Buck’s empty bed, abandoned IV next to it.
Eddie looked at Bobby with frightened eyes, but asked his question in a calm voice, so as not to alarm Christopher.
“Where is he Bobby? Where’s Buck?”
Buck was gone.
Bobby looked worried. This made no sense. Buck had been there just minutes ago. He had been asleep. It was like he’d just disappeared. Someone was supposed to be monitoring him. What the hell had happened?
Had he taken a turn for the worse and been taken away? Surely not in the few minutes Bobby was with Eddie.
Bobby stepped away a few paces and checked in with Chim and Hen on the radio. They didn’t know anything either. He could hear the worry in their voices too. Hen said she’d be over to help look for Buck as soon as she could.
Eddie sat Christopher on Buck’s empty cot.
“Daddy, where’s Buck?” Christopher’s tired voice was edging towards tears. “You said we’d go see him.”
“I know, mijo. This is his bed. Bobby thought he’d be here. Maybe he’s nearby and is gonna be back any minute”. Chris sniffed, looking round to see if he could spot his missing friend.
Eddie looked at the abandoned IV. Buck had taken in less than half of it. He shouldn’t be going anywhere, and obviously still desperately needed help. Buck should know better than to leave in the state he must be in. But this was Buck. Eddie could feel his panic building. He just needed to see for himself that Buck was Ok. But he had terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach that he might not be.
His thoughts were interrupted by a young kid wearing LAFD fire academy uniform. He looked uncomfortable but he approached them anyway. He took in Eddie’s uniform and that seemed to make things worse.
“I’m sorry sir” the young man said, and he really did seem apologetic. “That bed is in use. The occupant just stepped away, but they should be back soon. I-I can help find a different bed for you and your boy”.
Eddie suddenly felt hope. Maybe this was all worry over nothing.
“That’s great, but we don’t need a bed. We’re actually looking for the guy who should be on this one. Evan Buckley. 6’ 2”, well-built, birthmark over his left eye?”
The cadet looked relieved. “That’s him. Said he needed a bathroom break. That was maybe 20 minutes ago, so he should be back any time. He… wasn’t moving too well, and he was unsteady, so he might take longer than you’d think.”
Not moving well. Unsteady. Eddie started to worry again.
“You didn’t think to go with him?” he asked sharply.
The cadet looked unhappy. “I offered, Sir, but then someone else called for help and he told me to go to them. I looked for him as soon as I could, but he’d already gone.”
Eddie sighed. That sounded like Buck.
Bobby came back over just then, Hen at his side.
“Still no sign?” Bobby asked.
Eddie gestured at the kid hovering nearby. “This guy says Buck is in the bathroom. Hen, would you sit with Chris while I go find him?”
Hen nodded. Bobby went over to talk to the academy kid, who looked even more terrified of this grim looking fire captain than he had of Eddie.
Eddie jogged to the restrooms. He half expected to find Buck collapsed and unconscious in one of the stalls. That would have been on brand for his friend. All Eddie wanted to do was hold Buck in his arms, to feel him breathe, to know he was alive.
And kiss him. Eddie wanted to kiss Buck so badly.
He didn’t know what he was going to say to Buck to explain this. He wasn’t sure it mattered, to be honest. All that was important was finding his friend and making sure he was Ok.
So of course, Eddie didn’t find him.
Not in the restrooms or nearby, catching his breath. He began to think Buck hadn’t been heading for the restroom at all.
He saw the triage station close by, the same harassed young woman with a clipboard as when Chris and Buck had arrived and been checked in. He went over.
“Excuse me, I’m hoping you might be able to help me. I’m looking for someone.”
“You and everyone else” came the stressed response. “Name?”
“I’m looking for Evan Buckley, but I know he checked it. I was there. He came in the same time as my son. But we can’t find him.
Someone said he was in the restroom, but I’ve checked. I know how busy you are, and that it’s a long shot, but I wondered if you’d seen him.”
“Tall? Birthmark? Almost unable to stand on his own?”
Eddie blanched at the last comment.
“That sounds like him.”
“He left. Signed himself out. Against advice, I might add.”
“Dammit, Buckley. What the hell?” Eddie was getting angry now. He loved Buck, but why would he put himself at risk like that.
“He said he had someone he needed to find.” She checked her clipboard. “That was about 10 minutes ago. He really can’t have got that far. He looked ready to collapse”.
Eddie thanked her. He ran back to where Bobby and Hen were waiting with Chris. Eddie motioned casually for Bobby to join where his son wouldn’t hear.
“He’s gone, Bobby. Back out there.”
There were tears in Eddie’s eyes.
“He’s in a bad way, Bobby. Really bad. He’s hurting himself and I don’t know why. And I just…” the tears fell. “I’m in love with him. He saved Chris. He saved all those people. And he was here, he was safe. And now he’s gone. All I need is for him to be safe and he’s putting himself in danger. Again.”
Eddie felt strong arms around him.
“Eddie, it’s OK. We’ll find him. I’m going to call in back up.”
Before Eddie could ask, Bobby was in on the radio.
“Dispatch, this is Captain Nash, firehouse 118. I need to be patched through to Sergeant Athena Grant. Thank you.”
Bobby paused. Then “Thena, is Bobby. Buck is missing again. He left the field hospital on foot, 20-30 minutes ago. We’re going to look for him, but we need help. Is there anyone you can send?”
He smiled as he heard her reply. “Oh, I can send someone, Bobby. Me. We’ll find him and bring him home.”
—————————————————————
Buck was lost. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t really know what he was doing anymore, his mind so clouded by exhaustion and pain. He only knew he needed to find someone.
Christopher.
Buck staggered slightly as a wave of dizziness hit. He wanted to sit, to rest, but he was fairly sure that if he stopped he would never move again. So he pushed on, his hoarse voice shouting into the cold morning air.
He stopped to help people whenever he could. His strength was nearly gone now. But he was still a firefighter and he used all his knowledge and experience, working out ways to lift what he would normally just move with his bare hands, and helping patch people up with his EMT training.
Those he helped gave him increasingly worried looks. They offered to help him in return, help him look for Chris or help him back to the field hospital. He’d opened up the wound on his arm again, he could see the blood soaking through the bandage that was no longer white against his skin. He wasn’t sure if his back was bleeding again, or if it was just sweat he could feel. He thought he was better not knowing.
Buck gently declined all help. He didn’t need anyone else to worry about or to watch out for. He’d find Chris and then it would be Ok. Chris would be back with Eddie and then Buck would be able to stop, to sleep.
He was coordinating a group trying to free someone from their car when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see a police officer with a very worried look on her face, half hidden beneath an angry frown.
It took his muddled brain a beat to realise he knew her.
“Athena” he managed. “Help us”.
She gave him a long look for a moment. “What do you need, Buckaroo?”
“Can you get the people round there to lift their side of the car? I should be able to get in and pull the driver out.”
“Evan Buckley, you can hardly stand up. You are going nowhere near that car on my watch.”
He started to complain but she held up a hand to stop him. She looked around and her eyes rested on a guy helping to move rubble and clear access to the damaged vehicle.
“You there” she called. The guy came over.
“This man” she indicated Buck “is a firefighter. He’s coordinating this rescue, but he’s too injured to do the extraction himself. You will be his hands. Do exactly what he tells you. But do not let him hurt himself more, or you will answer to me”. The guy swallowed nervously then looked at Buck.
“What d’ya need me to do?”
After they extracted the driver and sent them on their way to the field hospital, the group dispersed.
Buck had taken the chance to rest, slumped against a wall. He could feel himself shutting down. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t done. He had to push on. Had to find Chris.
He managed to get himself upright and back on to his feet. He almost couldn’t feel the pain in his leg anymore and, even in his current state, he knew that was a bad sign. He couldn’t last much longer.
Buck realised Athena was taking to him. He just wasn’t taking anything in. He tried to focus but it didn’t help. He could see her face change. She went from Sergeant Grant, all business and control, to Athena, worried about someone she loved. About him, he realised.
God, his brain was running slowly. He felt the world fade, his eyes and ears filling with static. Everything was grey.
He felt Athena put an arm around his waist, trying to keep him steady. He could hear her talking urgently on her radio, but he didn’t know what she was saying. He felt her lower him to the ground, her strong arms around him, keeping him safe. He knew he was saying something now, telling her he needed to find Chris. It was hard to get the words out. He realised he was crying.
Then the dark waters of unconsciousness claimed him.
—————————————————————
Buck opened his eyes. Not his ceiling, not his bed. Everything hurt. His head ached. He felt the pinch of an IV when he moved.
Again. It was all the same.
Except it wasn’t. This was a proper hospital bed, and he was hooked up to machines as well, beeping in a rhythm he found comforting. He moved and felt a weight against him on the bed. Warm. A small relaxed body, resting against his. He looked down and saw a mass of curls resting against his chest. A sob escaped him, and he leant down and pressed a shaky kiss to Chris’s head.
Chris was there. Chris was safe. Buck could breathe. He felt tension drain away and the wave of relief that hit him was overwhelming. He had to fight to stay awake. He was so tired. But he needed to stay conscious. Needed to be there for Chris, to check he was Ok.
As he came back fully into his body, he realised that someone was holding his hand. He looked up and found Eddie looking back at him. His dark eyes were filled with worry.
Eddie. Was holding his hand.
That didn’t make sense. Eddie must hate him. Why would he be here? Why would Eddie let Chris be here? He should never get to see Christopher again. Another sob escaped, and he felt Eddie’s grip on his hand tighten.
“Buck” he heard Eddie whisper. “I’m here. We’re here. Chris is safe. You kept him safe. I can never thank you enough, cariño. I can never repay what you did for him. For me. Thank you, Evan. Thank you.”
Eddie’s eyes were filled with tears. Buck hated to see that. He didn’t want Eddie to be sad, to be hurt. And he knew he didn’t deserve Eddie’s thanks. He’d lost Chris. Hadn’t found him.
He also didn’t want Eddie to stop holding his hand. Ever. But that was fantasy, not the real world. Eddie did not feel the same way he did. But Buck would fight to keep Eddie’s friendship. He loved him too much to let that go.
“Buck?” Eddie was looking at him, concerned. Buck realised he was just staring at Eddie. He hadn’t said anything yet.
“Eddie” he breathed. He looked down at Chris, sleeping against him. “Is he really Ok? I-I tried, Eddie. I really tried.”
“I know you did, I know. He’s fine. He’s perfect. Thanks to you. You saved so many people, querido. So many. You did so good.”
Buck huffed a laugh. Then he winced in pain. Every muscle ached. He realised he needed to know what the damage was.
“What about me, Eds? What have the doctors said?”
Eddie turned serious.
“You, it turns out, did not look after yourself like you did Chris. Not at all, in fact. No internal bleeding, which is the only high point. Severe dehydration. Physical exhaustion, pushing well beyond the limits of a healthy adult, let alone one on blood thinners. You may need another surgery on your leg given what you put yourself through today. They won’t know till the swelling goes down. You have cracked ribs, and significant bruising across most of your body. You’ve had multiple transfusions to counter significant blood loss and several wounds needed stitches. A couple of them, you’d opened up when you went for your little walk so they had to be done again”.
Buck winced at the hard tone of Eddie’s voice. He sounded angry, suddenly.
“Why did you do that, Buck? You were safe, we had you both. Chris was with me, getting checked, while Hen, Chim and Bobby had you. I don’t understand what happened?”
Buck looked at him, confused. “I-I had to find Chris. I lost him. The last thing I remember is telling you he was missing. Giving you his glasses. The-the look on your face. When I woke up in the field hospital I-I knew I had to go, to find Chris. To save him. To bring him back to you.”
Eddie’s expression softened. “Evan, sweetheart, Chris was already safe. He got to the field hospital just as I saw you. You saw him.”
“I-I don’t remember that.”
Eddie moved closer, kneeling by Buck’s bed. He kissed his forehead.
“You were pretty out of it, mi amor. But I swear I thought you knew he was safe”.
Buck was struggling to focus. Eddie had kissed him. That was new. And Buck hadn’t missed the terms of endearment, whether in English or Spanish. What the hell was happening?
Eddie was still talking to him, his voice soft.
“You scared me, mi Vida. You disappeared. You were there, then you vanished. I didn’t know where you were, and it nearly killed me. You can’t do that, baby.”
Now Eddie was crying properly. He reached his other hand out and cupped Buck’s chin.
“You have to be where I can find you. So I can see you are safe. I nearly lost you today. Thought I had lost you. Evan, you cannot do that to me.”
And then Eddie leant in and pressed a soft kiss to Buck’s lips. Buck froze for a moment, before leaning into the kiss. He wasn’t sure what was happening. Maybe he was still out, dreaming. Because he was kissing Eddie Diaz, and it was everything he’d ever wanted, everything he’d hoped.
The kiss ended and Buck realised his head was spinning. He needed to breathe.
“Eddie” he managed. “You kissed me”.
“I did, Evan. I love you. I’m really mad at you right now for getting hurt, but I love you so very much. You and Chris are my world. I could have lost you both today so I don’t plan to waste any more time. I love you, and I’d like to be with you.”
Eddie took a breath and looked uncertain.
“If you’ll have me, that is”.
“Eddie, of course I’ll have you. I love you so much too. You’re it for me. I look at you and it feels like coming home. I just never dared to dream I could have this.”
Eddie leaned in for another kiss. His heart felt like it could burst. Chris was safe. Evan Buckley loved him. They would be a family.
They had time.