Work Text:
With more force than necessary, I slammed the van door shut behind me and hit the gas. Even though a tiny part of my soul begged me to turn around, to reconsider, I didn’t listen — instead I pushed my poor car to go even faster. And, as always, at the best possible moment, it decided to start raining.
My wipers couldn’t keep up with the drops that were now falling at an alarming rate, running down the glass like streams. I had to kill the loudly roaring engine and wait for the weather to calm down. That’s when I noticed I was crying.
It wasn’t the water falling from the clouds — it was my own tears that blurred my vision. I lowered my hands and buried my face in them.
“I–I have no idea what to do!” I sobbed to no one. “Jacob, Edward, I—” Another wave of tears choked off the words.
I’d known for a while that I had to do this, that I had to talk to Jake. I knew — but I never thought it would be this hard. I mean, letting him go. If it hurts this much for me, how much is he suffering? And all because of me.
Back then, just the thought that maybe he wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore, that he’d hate me, that he’d leave — it tore at my heart. Now I wish he would! I wish he’d throw it in my face, call me selfish, tell me I always was, for thinking I could keep both of them. I wish he’d call me every name he could think of and then actually walk away. I want him to do that — I want him to hurt me. To make me feel even a fraction of what he had to go through.
Or would that just be selfish too? I swore I’d never cause anyone pain again. That I wouldn’t be that monster who only thinks of herself anymore. But if Jacob really did what I wanted, the only reason I’d feel better would be because I’d get back what I gave. Which means I’d turn Jake into a monster too. My Jake — my sun — the one who always had a joke ready to make me laugh, who was always there when I needed him.
No. I can’t do that. There has to be some other way to ease this agony. If I left Edward — the very thought made me shudder; I gripped the steering wheel so tightly I thought it would crumble to dust in my hands, like the rose in Edward’s — without exaggeration, it would kill me. I’d be a masochistic suicide, choosing the longest, most torturous death possible. Because that’s what it would be. Not even Jacob could fix that.
Leaving Jake, which so far had been the plan, doesn’t sound very appealing now, thinking it over. Neither of them will leave of their own accord, though I deserve that more than anything in the world. So what other option is left?
Through the curtain of rain, I can see the trees bending, the dark, menacing clouds, with the moon glowing faintly between them. I’ve been carrying this awareness for a while now — the realization that there’s another way out, one I hadn’t accounted for. Like a virus, it infected my mind, working slowly, deliberately, so I wouldn’t recognize it too soon. Now I can pull a fully formed plan from my brain, even though I know full well I never gave it a single minute’s thought on purpose until now.
But maybe that was intentional too. I mean, the hiding of it. I’d kept it like a lifeline, my last resort. Because I knew that the moment I actually let the thought form, I’d have to face Alice, and I’d have to explain it to Edward… The first one I could maybe get through, write it off as some joke-born fantasy, but Edward — he’s not going to be so easy to fool.
There was a knock on the window. I jerked my head back so fast my neck twinged in protest.
“Sss, Bella,” Alice hushed me. “It’s just me.”
Without thinking, I reached over to unlock the door.
In a flash, she slid in, shutting it silently behind her.
“Oh my gosh, you’re shaking!” Her golden eyes widened as she took me in, worry etching every line of her delicate face. “I didn’t think it would be this bad…” Her gaze drifted into the night, her expression clouded. “I don’t know what happened between the two of you — I can only guess from your state. But I hope I don’t know what I saw.” Her eyes snapped back to mine, pinning me in place.
My brain, dulled by exhaustion, endless days, and gnawing worry, couldn’t piece her words together.
A frustrated sigh escaped her lips when she realized I wasn’t going to make this easy. She gripped my shoulders, forcing me to meet her eyes.
“Bella. I don’t know what you’re going through right now, or how desperate you feel. But whatever your explanation is, there’s no excuse for what I saw. Bella…” Her voice faltered — like a sob with no tears behind it. “After everything he’s done for you, you can’t—” She broke off mid-sentence, her gaze going hollow, sliding past my shoulder. “He’s almost here. You’ll explain later. Right now, you’re coming with us. I think you’re going to need more supervision than ever before…”
I blinked at her through a haze, trying to catch up.
“Charlie…” I mumbled. “I can’t just vanish. Not even for one night…”
She looked me over quickly. “Trust me — you don’t want him seeing you like this. And don’t worry. I already called. Told him you were spending the night with me. It wasn’t hard to convince him that a friend’s shoulder might be the right place to cry it out.”
She gave me one last disapproving glance before sliding back to make room for Edward.
His bronze hair stood in wild, damp tufts, each strand a defiant mess. Even in the washed-out light, his entire being gleamed with a kind of heartbreaking brilliance. Could I truly let go of him?
With uncharacteristic urgency, he yanked the door open and dropped into the seat beside me. My poor old truck groaned at the sudden shift, the dashboard shuddering in protest.
“My love…” he murmured, velvet and ragged all at once. He seemed on the verge of saying more, but didn’t. His face was drawn, anguished — yet he stayed silent, even when I restarted the engine to take us to the Cullen house.
The drive passed in heavy silence. Alice sat elsewhere — mentally distant, eerily composed at times, only to let brief flashes of horror cross her face before smoothing them away again, careful not to draw Edward’s attention.
It worked, for the most part. I felt his watchful gaze on me, protective and wordless, the whole way.
Slowly, I cut the engine and reached with a trembling hand for the door handle — and that’s when Alice broke the quiet.
“I think it’s best if you give us a moment,” she said with a faint smile. “There are a few things we need to discuss.”
Whatever she thought of didn’t rouse Edward’s suspicion. He helped me from the cab, pressed a swift kiss to my lips, and was gone in a blur.
Alice steered me toward the garage, pausing for a heartbeat to stare into the middle distance.
“Yes, here’s good. He won’t hear us here. And he respects your personal space too much to dig through my thoughts.”
Another day, I might have scoffed. But not now. I sat, arms wrapped tight around my knees, shame burning through the chill. I knew what she truly wanted to talk about.
“Bella. You have no idea how hard it was not to think about this outright! I’ve been playing Debussy’s Préludes in my head, picking the most fitting pieces for the occasion. Normally, that alone would’ve caught his attention — if he cared even a fraction right now about what I’m thinking. At this moment, you’re clinging so tightly to this single path that I can’t see any other future for you!” she scolded.
Cautiously, I lifted my head, meeting her gaze.
“And what if I don’t want another future?” I asked, barely above a whisper.
Her perfect brow furrowed as her pale fingers began to massage it.
“As I said, I don’t know what you’re going through. But I do know it can’t be that terrible,” she stressed the last words deliberately.
“You really don’t know,” I muttered, so softly I barely heard myself. But not even that escaped her ears.
“Bella.” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me closer. “I’ll give you one day, all right? I won’t say a word to Edward — provided that by tomorrow, those outrageous plans of yours aren’t still racing through your head.” Her mouth pulled into a wry smile. “Though, I have to admit, a few of them were impressively creative…”
“Alice!” I burst out. “Don’t you get it? I can’t do this. I can’t hide what I feel — not from either of them — and every time I fail, it just hurts them more. The guilt keeps piling up and then—”
Her finger pressed against my lips.
“Sss. If you’re this loud, he’ll hear you.”
“Sorry,” I whispered, barely audible. Her cold finger lingered against my mouth.
“Not everything is as awful as it looks at first,” she said, lowering her hand back to my shoulder. “I know you think there’s no way out, but trust me — it’ll work out. Because it will.” Her smile was gentle, almost soothing.
I forced the most honest smile I could manage.
“You know I’d never bet against you.”
A soft laugh escaped her, and she brushed a quick kiss against my hair.
“Time for bed. You should get some rest. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” She sprang lightly to her feet and helped me up as well.
I muttered a faint thank-you, all while trying to focus every ounce of strength on the next few minutes. One step at a time, I told myself. Nothing can slip. Not a single thought of what comes after.
I dragged myself up to Edward’s room and collapsed on the bed. No question — I was utterly spent. He didn’t move, standing frozen in the farthest corner. Like this — perfectly still — he looked even more like a god carved from marble.
I quickly scolded myself as those thoughts flickered through my head. Too late to change my mind now.
“Edward,” I began the act, letting my voice come out thick with exhaustion, my head still buried in the pillow. Just a little longer — I can’t fall apart yet.
Exactly as I expected, his head snapped toward me, and in an instant he was at my side.
He brushed a stray lock of hair from my face. His touch was like ice, and yet now I craved it more than anything. I wanted us to run — just the two of us. To leave everything behind. Forever. But of course, even that would change nothing. The consequences of my choices would follow me, no matter how far I ran. I should have thought ahead — but I hadn’t. So now, the least I could do was try to set things right in the best way I knew how.
“Yes, my love?” His voice was velvet, soft and smooth. I would give anything to never have to say goodbye to it.
I gave a slight shake of my head to clear it, then continued the performance.
“I’d rather be alone tonight, if you don’t mind. I don’t want you to see me — to watch me when I—” I cut off, searching his face.
I was fully aware this was yet another selfish move on my part. And a big one at that. I braced for the pain-laced fury in his eyes, but it never came. I waited for him to hesitate, to plead, but he didn’t. Silently, his gaze slid past me, and then he leaned in just close enough for me to feel his breath against my face.
And then he was gone.
He didn’t kiss me. He didn’t whisper anything into my ear. He simply left.
I buried my tears in the blanket, trying to muffle the sobs as best I could. I was so close to running out the door, screaming his name. To finding him— wherever he was— and throwing myself into his arms. To hold him as tightly as I could, begging him to take me away.
But somehow, I wrestled the tears back. I knew this was all I’d been given. This was our final goodbye. I had foolishly hoped it would be longer, more emotional, but I was glad it had happened this way. Beyond the fact that I deserved no more, a silent parting was the easiest.
I knew I had to hurry now. There wasn’t much time before Alice figured out what I was planning. I had meant to wait— tomorrow, maybe a few days later— so she couldn’t stop me. I’d only been toying with the idea of doing it today…
La Push was too far for me to get there before anyone noticed. And the chance of accidentally running into a stray wolf? Too much to even hope for. Just a walk, I told myself. Even she would allow that.
But then why wasn’t I using the door? Why did I want to slip out the window like I was sneaking away? I already knew the answer. If they blocked me at the door, I’d have no chance of convincing them. And after that, trying the window would look far too suspicious…
Best to act natural. Move slowly, but not too slowly. If I changed my mind too many times in a row, someone would feel it— something off, something wrong. So now my plan was to climb out the window… for a walk. They’d seen what state I was in. This little acrobatic stunt of mine shouldn’t surprise them after that.
And besides, I had nothing to worry about. If they found me outside, Alice would know there was no deeper plan. And Edward would have to believe it, too.
Edward… Just the sound of his name felt like a drug rushing through me. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to say goodbye properly! I cut the thought off quickly. There’s no need for goodbyes if I’m only going for a walk.
I trudged to the window and pushed it open. Below me lay the carport and the gravel drive, several meters down. Why not try it? I’d already decided… I gripped the frame carefully and stepped through. Why did his room have to be on the third floor?
A few times I lost my balance, slipped, and dropped the last few meters outright— but by some miracle, I landed in one piece. Although I didn’t dare hope that none of the seven vampires in the house had heard the dull thud of my landing.
The door creaked open. Someone stepped out.
“Bella! Bella, is that you?” I heard Carlisle’s voice nearby. I sprang up quickly and brushed the dust from my clothes.
“Who’s there?” I answered dully, as if I didn’t already know.
Instead of replying, he was suddenly standing in front of me.
“Bella…” he began wearily, his eyes darting between my face and my arms.
I looked down at my hands. More scrapes than I’d imagined marred the skin. Flustered, I folded my arms over my chest.
“I just thought I’d go for a walk,” I began carefully.
“And the window seemed like the safest exit for that purpose…” His head tilted slightly, a disapproving look flickering in his eyes.
Heat flooded my cheeks; I didn’t know what to say. It would’ve been so much easier if anyone else had come out! Even Esme I could’ve convinced— but Carlisle…
“Bella.” He placed his hands gently on my shoulders, guiding my gaze to meet his. “If there’s anything I can do to help, don’t hesitate to say so, all right? I understand you have no idea what to do right now, but please— don’t do anything foolish!” His voice softened another shade. “We’re a family. We’ll work through this together.”
I just stood there, dazed, trying not to listen— afraid he might talk me out of my plan.
“Uh-huh…” I mumbled.
For the briefest fraction of a second, it looked like he was fighting himself, but in the end, he gave up. His smile was gentle as he looked at me.
“Don’t go far. It’s best if you stay on the trail—that way you won’t get hurt.”
I nodded silently and turned away. I didn’t dare speak, afraid that the tremor in my voice would betray me. Even this goodbye hurt, but there was nothing I could do. I tried to avoid the others.
As if struck by a sudden idea, I began weighing my options—where could I go? I could stay on the path Carlisle considered safe, or I could venture deeper into the woods… But I made sure to pick a place I could actually find. The last thing I needed was to get lost and ruin everything.
My feet obeyed, carrying me farther and farther beneath the familiar canopy of trees. In my mind, the place I was headed stood vividly clear. Just a walk, nothing more. Just a loop, not far from the house… I could only hope they wouldn’t think I’d been gone too long and come looking for me.
I don’t know how long I’d been walking—it felt like hours. Branches cracked sharply under my shoes; startled birds took flight at my approach. Wandering aimlessly yet deliberately through the woods was harder than I’d expected… But my efforts seemed about to pay off. The outline of La Push’s first house emerged ahead of me. The realization hit like a tidal wave: I was so close.
Drawing a deep breath, I sat down exactly where I imagined the border to be. Now what? I asked myself. Everything was so calm, so quiet. I could hear the waves breaking on the shore, the leaves quivering in the wind. I wanted to see the ocean. The thought struck, sudden and sincere. I wanted to see it once more—maybe for the last time. I wanted to stand on the cliffs and look down into the deep, to feel the salty air lash against my face, to watch the black mass churning below.
I took a step. I knew the moment I crossed that invisible threshold, I’d vanish from Alice’s sight. I edged a little farther in. Something shifted—a strange, homelike warmth washed over me. As if those few inches had pulled me closer to where some quiet part of my heart belonged.
Now I ran. Breathless, I tore forward. I had only minutes, maybe less, before Edward found me. The moment he realized I was gone, he’d come after me. Of that, I was certain.
I didn’t need to hesitate or search. My feet found the familiar path, leading me all the way to the top of the cliff. The jagged-edged rocks rose like black teeth around me; the village was no more than a glowing speck in the dark of night.
This was as far as I could hold it together. The tears I’d been swallowing back finally broke free. They soaked the sleeves of my clothes, dampened my skin, while I silently counted all I was about to leave behind.
I thought of Emmett—my massive, lighthearted brother—and his many-times wife, the beautiful but cold Rosalie. My emotions no longer obeyed me. I saw Jasper and Carlisle—the impossibly restrained doctor, and the slightly terrifying yet unshakably confident Jasper.
I shed a tear for them, too.
I knew the hardest part was still ahead—that with every name I left behind, the weight would only grow heavier. But there was no turning back now.
Esme… In this cold, damp town, she had been like a mother to me. Her endless kindness had moved me time and again. And now I was planning to say goodbye to her memory as well.
The next name wouldn’t even form in my thoughts. My heart hammered. I fell to my knees as another wave of sobs wracked through me.
“Alice—” I finally choked out, broken. It took a while before I could gather myself enough to truly face what I was about to do to her.
Sometimes annoyingly overzealous, she always manages to get what she wants — but that’s insignificant compared to what I owe her. By the time Edward learns what’s happened, it will already be too late. Not even his venom will be able to restore a heart that’s already stopped beating. I could have at least left a letter, begging him not to blame his sister… Not that it would have helped much. It would only have betrayed what I’d done.
Still, I should have done something, though I have no idea what. I could have thanked her. I could have said a proper goodbye. I could have told her what I was about to do — given her a chance to stop me.
I can’t seem to act rightly. When I believed this was the only way to choose between them, I didn’t think about the avalanche of pain it would leave behind. About how many lives I’d sour with one selfish leap. I was born selfish. Unable to endure my heart being torn in two, I chose instead to shatter others. Charlie and Renée… next in line. My loving parents, who did everything they could to give me a beautiful life.
“What will happen to you now?” I whispered into the wind.
I only dared to hope they’d move past losing me — that somehow they’d heal, eventually move on. But even if they did, there was still Jacob. My own Jacob.
How devastated would he be? Would he see this as his — I wasn’t ready to even think the name — fault, breaking the fragile truce? Would it turn into something worse — a war, because of me?
I was sure he’d fall to his knees and beg to have his life taken. But would Jake do it? Would he send the love of my life after me?
No matter how desperately I wanted the answer to be no, no matter how much I wanted to scream, to warn him never to dare, I wasn’t sure. My quick-tempered love would not hesitate to snuff out his rival — especially if that rival offered himself up on a silver platter.
Rival… I lingered on the word. Did Jake ever really stand a chance? Was there ever an ending where I chose him?
Deep down I knew I wasn’t doing this because I couldn’t decide. Not because losing either of them would destroy me. But because I couldn’t live with the pain that would follow. Jake had carved out a larger piece of my heart than I’d ever admitted to myself.
No matter how hard I’d fought it, no matter how much I wanted to disappear into the crashing waves, I couldn’t leave him out. Everything good in my life — I owed to him. How could I leave without so much as a thank you?
Edward… my love. Pieces of another life, a joyless existence, flooded my mind as I buried his name as deep as I could in my heart. But now, as if the walls I’d built around it had crumbled, he swept away every other thought that dared to exist in my mind.
Edward.
Edward.
What is he doing now? Is he running toward me, trying to stop me? Has he already crossed the boundary? Would that spark a war?
How is it that I see myself as painfully ordinary, yet every move I make sends shockwaves through the lives of a dozen people I love?
“Edward… where are you now?” I breathed, as if I were waiting for him. As if I were hesitating, wanting him to be the last thing I ever saw. Where could he be? How is it that he still hasn’t reached me? Did Alice not see? Or has something happened to him?
I knew it was impossible, and still, I worried for his safety. How ironic… When the greatest pain of his existence was about to come from my own hand, I wasted my final thoughts on fearing for him.
A sob clawed at my throat, stealing my breath. I crumpled, powerless to stop the sounds escaping my chest.
“I-I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please forgive me! If there were any other way, I’d take it without hesitation. I’m begging you — don’t follow, don’t undo what I’m dying for.” I faltered on the thought. Was that even true? Was I really doing this for him?
“Yes…” I tried to justify what I’d done, squeezing my eyes shut, willing my trembling body to obey me. “So I wouldn’t poison his life forever. He can’t keep seeing me broken over the fact that I’m crying for another man.”
A faint rustle behind me. Was I imagining it? My head whipped around, but there was nothing there — nothing that suggested I’d been followed. The leaves in the brush behind me swayed evenly in the night breeze, their branches cracking softly as they brushed against one another, a strangely soothing sound in the quiet.
Though my eyes found no evidence, I knew what I’d heard. I struggled to my feet and stumbled toward it.
I opened my mouth, but before I could speak, someone beat me to it. A familiar voice filled my ears, and strong, safe arms wrapped tightly around me.
“Oh, Bella.” Relief poured from him like sunlight breaking through a storm. “You have no idea how worried I’ve been!”
✦ ★ ✦☽⋅⋅☾✦ ★ ✦
“Edward…” Alice began hesitantly. “What I just saw — it might not be what it looks like…” One arm wrapped around the other, her remorse softening something in me, if only by a fraction.
“Then what is it?” I asked, trying to catch her gaze as she stared at the ground.
'You know I can’t see when she’s there — no matter what happens. With how many of them there are, it’s more than likely she’s crossed paths with one.'
“I am fully aware of that,” I replied to her unspoken words. “What I would like explained is why she went there at all. She asked me to leave her alone — she didn’t want me watching while she cried over losing someone else. And then she climbed out the window, alone, and wandered off into the forest. Forgive me if I find it difficult to believe she simply had the sudden urge to walk for hours just to watch the sunrise by herself on the beach. Not to mention the fact that there was a reason she didn’t leave through the door — she didn’t want me to stop her…”
I knew it already, but putting the pieces together carved the pain anew, raw and sharp. Who exactly was I trying to convince? And why was I standing here, paralyzed? Was I waiting for Alice to tell me to go after her, to hand me a reason I didn’t have the courage to claim on my own?
The corner of her mouth trembled before she spoke. “You’re going to go anyway. There’s no point pretending otherwise—”
Now I saw it too, through Alice’s eyes — me, sprinting through the forest. But then… the vision flickered, gone, swallowed as soon as I crossed into the wolves’ territory. Uncertainty struck like a sudden gust of wind.
“I’m not pretending anything, Alice,” I said, forcing calm into my voice. “Yes, part of me wants nothing more than to go after her — to cross that distance in an instant, to see with my own eyes that she’s safe. But what good would it do if she’s already decided? Why tear her heart open again? I built the scaffolding for this myself. That’s precisely why I have no right to interfere anymore.”
She inhaled deeply, shaking her head, as if exhaustion were dragging her down. But how could she be so certain she was right? I’d seen the same images she had.
“We both know I’m not infallible,” she said at last, each word slow, deliberate, carefully chosen. “Especially when it comes to those wolves…”
She hesitated — I saw it, the flicker of panic she tried to bury under layers of thought.
'But I promised. I promised her I’d give her a day. To go now would be betrayal — I can’t—'
Before I knew it, I had her by the shoulders, shaking, demanding she tell me what she wasn’t saying.
“Alice. What is this supposed to mean?” My voice came out sharp, an edge of urgency cutting through as I searched her eyes. She turned her head away, eyes falling shut, her face drawn in weary defeat. She didn’t speak, not a single sound escaped her lips — yet she no longer fought to hide it from me.
This was what she’d kept from me all along. This was why she’d been so desperately trying to think of something else in the van. This was what she’d really meant to tell Bella.
Images flashed before me.
Bella. The vast ocean spread out beneath her. The wind tangled her hair. She was crying. Tears streamed down her face as she stepped closer to the edge.
“No—!” I rasped, my hands slipping from Alice’s shoulders, reaching out as if I could catch her. But my voice never reached her; with her hands folded against her chest, she leaned forward, taking her final farewell from everything.
I don’t know how long I stood there, frozen, silent — but when I finally tore myself free of the vivid vision, I lifted my gaze to my sister. She met my stare, wide-eyed, terrified.
That’s when I realized my mouth had fallen open. It took everything I had to swallow my fury and shape it into words.
“Alice…” I spat her name, not even knowing what I wanted to say, what accusation I’d hurl — had she not cut in first.
“It doesn’t change anything — she didn’t plan it for today.” She stepped back, almost unconsciously raising her hands in front of her. “She was absolutely sure she’d say goodbye to you first.” She paused, waiting, then, when my silence stretched, she shifted. “You’d better go after her…” she whispered, eyes closed now, her thoughts urging me on even when her lips stayed still.
She was right. It didn’t change a thing. We both knew how creative Bella could get when she wanted something. And I wasn’t about to waste time arguing with Alice for keeping this from me — not now. I didn’t need a push. I’d already lived through losing her once; I wasn’t about to let myself feel it again.
I turned my back on her and disappeared into the trees. For a moment, I still heard her soft apology, but soon the sound was devoured by distance.
I felt like I’d never run this fast in all my existence. The moon cast its lonely glow across the late-night forest, clouds promising rain. I had to stop it. I had to reach her before she did it.
The thought of a world without her made my whole body tremble, so violently I was forced to slow, or risk slamming into a tree.
“What would I do if she was gone?” I asked, hollow. But the answer didn’t take long. “I’d follow, of course. In a world where I can’t have her, why would I stay?”
Whatever fragile hope I’d clung to bled away, leaving only despair.
“But why did she do it? Is it my fault? If I’d noticed sooner — could I have stopped it?” I pushed harder through the underbrush. “It’s all because of me. If I hadn’t left her the way I did, she wouldn’t have to choose. Or if I’d paid closer attention, hadn’t brushed off her sadness — maybe I could’ve talked her through it.”
'But why suicide?' The word itself twisted my face into a grimace. 'There had to have been a better way.' But I knew the answer — I didn’t need to read Bella’s mind for this one. She couldn’t choose. Or if she could, she wouldn’t make either of us suffer for the other. Yes… that was so very her.
I exhaled sharply, trying to clear my head.
“What will I even do if I get there in time?” I asked myself — and found the answer far less simple than I’d hoped.
Would I take her into my arms and carry her home? But what then — what would guarantee she wouldn’t try again? Watch her more closely? If she set her mind on something, she’d see it through anyway.
“I don’t know,” I admitted after a beat.
If I let her go to the dog — that wouldn’t fix anything either. If I stepped out of her life— No. I wouldn’t. I’d promised her, no matter what, I wouldn’t leave — not unless she asked. But i will wait in vain for the dog to do it!
Only now did I truly feel the weight of her struggle, the torment she must’ve endured before making this decision — how much her heart must have hurt to cause so much pain to so many.
I steadied the storm in my mind, forcing my thoughts into calm.
“First, get there. Then we’ll find a way. Without death.”
I stopped, unthinking, as I reached the boundary. Was the truce still holding? Could I cross without breaking the law?
Honestly, I didn’t care for an answer. If I arrived too late, I’d simply ask them to finish me off quickly anyway. I hesitated for only a fraction of a second before quickening my steps again. From Alice’s vision, she had to be somewhere near the top of the mountain. I summoned the most harrowing images of my life once more. I knew where she was, where I needed to go — though I had never set foot there before.
I couldn’t be sure she hadn’t changed her mind about the place in the meantime, but I had no other choice. I ran up the winding path, turned at the fork— and then I saw them.
Two dark figures intertwined in the murk of the night. Even from hundreds of paces away, the wolf’s scent struck me as vividly as if I were standing right beside him. He raised his massive hand, brushed it through her hair, tucking a stray lock behind her ear. His other arm pulled her by the waist, as close as he possibly could.
The worst part of it all was that Bella didn’t resist. Her arms wound around his neck, her fingers stroking his hair. They stood locked like that for what felt like endless minutes, their lips playing with one another’s.
I couldn’t bear it any longer; I turned my head away. I could have laughed at my own misery — that I had, after all, been right — but I had no heart left for it. As I watched the two silhouettes on the faintly lit cliff edge, saw their fingers laced, their mouths meeting, every plan I’d made unraveled. Nothing appealed to me less than walking up to them, standing there, my face a ruin. Yet every other possibility pulled at me just as strongly. The most acceptable — the one I might even have enjoyed — was to smash the dog’s face in and run off with Bella.
A bitter smile tugged at my mouth. As if she’d want that…
I couldn’t go to them, nor could I run away. I stood frozen, watching. I don’t know how much time passed like that; every minute felt like an eternity. But leaving — that I couldn’t do. That would have been surrendering for good. Some rational fragment of myself screamed to listen, to understand: I had no place here anymore. She’d chosen, and rightly so. She'd chosen a life I could never have given her.
But the other part — the stronger part — would not let me leave them, would not let me flee. It clung to the hope that there was still a chance.
'If there truly were,' the smaller voice insisted, 'Jacob wouldn’t be standing there before her. She wouldn’t have leapt out the window for him, wouldn’t have run that far.' Perhaps it was right — perhaps she had never intended to leap from that cliff. Never wanted to.
At least I had enough presence of mind to know that nothing in this world could make me walk over there, forcing Bella to look me in the eye again. Forcing her to blame herself for something that wasn’t her fault. Because it wasn’t. From the very beginning, this had been the best choice she could make.
It was as if I’d forgotten how to walk; it took a monumental effort to move my legs and step back — because I knew, if I left them now, I could never return.
“Goodbye, Bella, my love.” Words once drenched in bliss now burned my tongue like the bitterest poison as I whispered them into the silence.
Though she never asked, I knew what she wanted. Sometimes actions are louder than words.
✦ ★ ✦☽⋅⋅☾✦ ★ ✦
This familiar touch, this warm — almost burning — embrace…
“Jake,” I breathed as he finally let me catch some air.
He leaned down, so we were on the same level. Sadness flickered in his deep-set eyes, yet his voice rang with confidence.
“I felt well enough to get up and move a bit, so Embry and I went out patrolling when we heard voices. It wasn’t entirely my idea that I’d recovered — more Sam’s — but let’s skip that part. Point is, we run our guts out even when there’s no reason to grind.” He was completely immersed in telling the story, though his hands still rested on my shoulders. “We were getting closer, could already make out the words clearly, when suddenly the monologue turned into sobbing. That’s when I recognized your voice, told Embry he’d better head home, leave this to me. And right then you mumbled something between two crying fits about dying. Embry agreed it’d be better if he stayed out of it, so he rushed off. And of course I ran to you — before you’d pull some stupid stunt again.” He put extra weight on that last word. His tone shifted, colder than before. “Good thing I got there just in time.” With a faraway, veiled look, he brushed his hand along my face.
I didn’t know what to say to that — I felt my cheeks flush; shame crept over me.
“Tell me, Bella…” he spoke after a brief hesitation. “What was your plan? You couldn’t decide, so death was the answer? If things are that bad, fine — pick him. Better that than having it on my conscience.” He tried to smile, but I saw the pain behind it.
Ridiculous, how easily he saw through me. Almost entirely. But no — this wasn’t about being unable to choose. I didn’t want to.
Still, I tried to keep the joking going, made an attempt to cut through the tension.
“I just thought I’d go for a swim,” I tried to grin, but it probably looked more like a grimace, so I gave up. “If I could have actually died, do you think Edward would’ve let me come?” I aimed for humor, but by the time I reached the end, the smile had slipped away. A sharp pain shot through my chest, and for a moment, I couldn’t place why.
“Already strange enough that bloodsucker let you come this far.” He took my hand between his huge palms, examining it carefully. “He really didn’t even try to stop you?”
I shut my eyes and freed my arm. “Truth is, I asked him not to.” Though it wasn’t exactly like that, he wasn’t here to defend himself. And there was some truth in it. I did ask to be left alone…
“Bella,” he leaned in so close I could feel his breath against my face, “give it up — you’re terrible at this!”
I don’t know why now of all times, but the tears I’d been holding back began to flow again. I’d tried to spare Jake from this, but what could I do — I wasn’t going to change.
“What? What am I supposed to give up, Jacob?” My voice came out too loud, edging toward hysterical.
“Easy, easy, no need to freak out like that.” He raised his hands defensively, stepping back without meaning to. Maybe, if my mood hadn’t been so dark, I might’ve laughed at how I’d just managed to startle a werewolf. “I just said you can’t lie. But you already knew that — I don’t get why it hit you so hard now.”
I wanted to scream at him, to throw every thought at his head, but I knew he was right. I knew—and that made me even angrier. Why do I freak out when I actually lie? Why do I deny reality?
“Bella. Bella! Are you okay?” His worried gaze snapped me back. I shook my head slightly to clear it. “Listen, I don’t want to be a buzzkill, I don’t want to make things worse, but it’s time to accept it—he left you alone.”
I don’t know what expression I made, but the sad look on his face was one I had never seen before.
“You’re still waiting for him, aren’t you?” His voice sounded distant, soft, fragile. “You still believe he’ll show up, that’s why you keep staring down the road.” Not a question—more a statement. He followed my gaze into the distance.
Until now I hadn’t noticed, but I had been glancing away every few seconds. I summoned my courage and met his eyes.
“Oh, Jake, come on… Nonsense.” I couldn’t make it sound convincing.
He exhaled loudly and gripped my shoulders. “Listen, Bella,” he began seriously, “I don’t know what was between you two, but what I see I don’t like. First, I hear voices, then you start sobbing. Before I get there, you threaten death. Luckily, I make it in time before you throw yourself off the cliff, but then you start defending your bloodsucker, who didn’t care about you, let you trample through half the forest, break yourself, and nearly end your life.” His voice trembled on the last words; it took a moment before he could regain control. “What do you expect me to think? Last time you were here, you slammed the door so loud I thought it’d come off its hinges! Back then it seemed you’d chosen. And now here you are, alone, your hands bloody. I don’t even want to imagine what happened in the forest.”
In the house… I clarified in my mind. But before I could argue, he went on.
“I can only imagine the state you were in when you met him—” Edward’s broken face flashed in my mind, how he’d watched the entire way. I’d never seen him so worn. “But I don’t think you were brimming with joy. If not then, in the house you surely had it all planned. Now.” His tone changed, like the detectives in movies deducing conclusions from a complicated case. “That little black…” He hesitated, trying to recall a name, then gave up. “…must have seen what you wanted, at least until you reached the boundary.” He clarified. “Why didn’t he stop you? I get that you told him to leave you alone, but he didn’t strike me as someone who cares much about your opinion when it comes to your safety.”
Then I felt it—no matter how much I denied it, everything I had been subconsciously fighting assembled into sense. He would never come. He had had enough of me crying over Jake. What I couldn’t do, he did. He left.
I saw nothing. I heard nothing. I felt nothing—just a searing tear slid down my cheek. I wanted to scream in my pain; I wanted, in that moment, to do what I had intended before Jacob appeared.
With uncertain steps, I moved toward the edge.
“Bella, you—?” His confused gaze turned to me. “What the… No!” I wasn’t fast enough; his long arms wrapped around me and lifted me to the other side. “You’re insane.” He shook his head, back and forth. “Look, I know it hurts, but this solves nothing. Think of Charlie!” Charlie… the name vaguely rang a bell. One of those I had left behind forever…
He pulled his hands away from my face a few times before letting go completely, started shaking me again. “Jumping won’t bring him back… You know that.” His eyes watched me; wether the simple words hurt me as much as he thought they would.
I exhaled loudly and met his eyes. “I know, Jake, I know! Of course I know! But if he’s not here, what’s the point of me—” He didn’t interrupt; I did. When he lifted that tormented gaze to mine, I had no strength to continue.
Why hurt anyone else? Why cause more pain if it’s unnecessary? The insoluble had solved itself. Though this option tormented me more than my own would have, I knew it was the best. It left the fewest broken hearts behind.
“Oh, Jake!” I began to cry again, the sobs so strong they startled him. I soaked my clothes; my tears glimmered on his chest, but I didn’t care. I clung to him, gripped him as if my life depended on it. In a way, it did. My smaller self rejoiced, while the other, the one with the reopened wound, felt that this was the right choice. Make the one who can still be happy… happy. Even if it costs me a lifetime of suffering, I had to do it. I had to, because I would no longer be selfish. Because my own interests would no longer come first. How could I destroy such pure devotion? How could I do this with Jake? If he is happy, I am happy. Even if only a fraction of it, still, I am happy. For the first time, I felt gratitude that he had left. That I could suffer, that I could make others happy. My guilt could be redeemed in no other way. I deserved the torment until death.
My chest throbbed, I felt dizzy, I couldn’t breathe, I swallowed everything inside me. I had never been someone worthy of him, so this was only right. I don’t know how long I will be able to pretend that I feel nothing, but I will do everything I can. If I have no life, I will help make someone else’s beautiful.
“…Bella.” I turned toward the sound of the voice.
“Hm? Something wrong?” I slipped out of the hands locked around my waist and turned away with my whole body. Yet I couldn’t see anything.
“It just felt like—” Like what? Like I heard voices? Like I heard his voice? Madness. He’s not coming back. “Like someone was calling me,” I continued with a soft smile, though inside I was breaking. “I think it was Billy. It’s late; he must be looking for you.” I promised myself I wouldn’t let this happen again. He would not see me shed a tear for him ever again.
Under his mustache, he muttered something like, ‘Always at the right time.’ And something about ‘He didn’t care if I disappeared for days, but now—’ Then he looked at me and quickly stopped. Instead, he wrapped his arms around my waist again and brought his mouth to my ear.
“Over all these years, he must have learned some patience. I don’t think we need to rush.”
Instead of replying, my lips answered his. Greedily, they clung to his, because they, too, wanted to forget. I played along with Jacob’s warm, soft mouth, carefully erasing the memories connected to it from my mind. No. There was no more room here.
Though I knew I would never forget, and didn’t want to, I had to do everything I could. Beneath the surface, I would be an empty shell, but not the same as when he first gave me up. Jacob had saved me. A small part, but he restored my happiness, my love. I had already given up on the pain ever disappearing, but in time it must ease, in time it must heal, like every wound.
No matter what I pretended, said, or thought, it was no easier than before. My heart felt ripped from my chest; I couldn’t find my lungs; I nearly fainted from the pain. But I could do no more, to break down in front of him. This was his life now, not mine.