My Mortal

by ZebraGolf

Notes:

• Inspired by My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie

Vivamus atque amemus, rumoresque senum severiorum omnes unius aestimemus assis.

Chapter 1: You know you've got everypony fooled

I awoke the morning of the second day of school to the empty bed beside me, this means my dorm roommate has left early… again.
She avoids me because I have spikes on my black clothes, but mostly because I’m cooler than her.
I get out of bed and start getting ready for classes. My red and blonde hair is knotted. I keep it that way. As I do my mascara, I remember the compliments I always get on my evanescent eyes.. like the ocean during a sunset is what people say. I say I’m gonna drown them and brush it off. I’m not like other ponies.
I get my skull tank top and spiked leather skirt on over my fishnets. Principal Celestia can suck it. And we know she has, her sexual relationship with VP Luna has always been rumored in Equestria Academy. I forcefully slip on my combat boots and stalk out of my dorm.

And there she is, perfect. princess. sparkle. She’s talking to some rosette.
“Yeah, I’d love to go with you Fluttershy!” she says.
“Back off, Shutterspy!!” I snarl, “Some of us need to get breakfast!”
I shove Treelight Sparkle. “Outta my way!”
I march to the cafeteria where I know no one will be waiting for me. I have no friends at Equestria Academy, and that’s how I like it. All these nerd freaks. I don’t even want to be friends with them.

Suddenly, a short girl comes out of nowhere.
“Ah! Sorry about that, babe! These skates have a mind of their own!” the rainbowette chuckles and skates away just as quickly as she bumped into me.
Whatever, she can skate her way across the world, whatever she’s running from will catch up eventually.
I would know….

—

I get to first period and beeline for the back of the class. Not like anyone will notice..
Professor Kirk starts lecturing us about Vulcan culture and Sparkle pulls out her pen and notebook. Effing nerd. It’s only the first week of school! Stupid…
I pull out my Ipad and go on ao3.. i NEED to fujo out rn ts pmo.
Darren Criss fanfiction always brightens my day.. He is so cutie!! If I met darren criss in real life i’d tell him all about my life and he’d feel so bad for me he’d say “Sunset Shimmer.. You have to get out of there! Let me take you…” and then he’d take me.

A/N: has anyone thought about transgender joey richter? >~<” !! let me know !1

Suddenly I’m distracted from my Ipad because Captian Spock and Neil Armstrong bust through the door arguing, as usual, about space.
“I WAS ON THE MOON” Dr Neil says.
“NO ONE CARES” Captain Spock turns to Professor Kirk exasperated.
“Will you please tell neil legweak that we’ve been ON a rocket ship too!! We have PHOTOS of us on all these crazy planets!!” Sock says.
Professor Kirk turns to his lover, “Wait, What Was That About Me Turning To My Lover?”
KYAAA DONT WORRY ABOUT IT YET says the author.

Commander Spock huffs out of the room, “Why do I always fall for the crazies..”
I think Neil Armstrong won the argument, and a lot of people at Equestria are racist so Professor Pock never really had a chance.

Twilight turns to me, “Sorry did you say something?”
Did I say that outloud? SHIT.
“no.”
“Oh ok, sorry it just sounded like you said something” she says politely and turns back around.

Politely?? That’s not right. She says it patronizingly!! And she turns her back on me because she thinks she’s better than me! I can’t believe she would be so rude!! She only hates me because I wear black and spikes!! I really don’t deserve to be treated this way.

—

The bell rings and it’s time to go to gym class.
Great.

I arrive at the locker rooms and get changed, then I push through the double doors into the gym.
“Ouch!” a voice cries out.
One thought is in my mind: I hit someone with the door.
Do I play it cool? Pretend it wasn’t me? How do humans talk again?
“Oh sorry Sunset Shimmer, I was in your way” pretty little pilight says to me.

“That’s ok!” I yell too loudly and speed walk away.
Because I hate her so much.
It’s just hot because it’s mid august. That’s the only reason.

Everyone lines up on the track and Coach Spock tells us we have to run the mile.
“Ready, Set, …….. Go!”
We all bolt. Except me. I don’t want to.
I walk slowly, I can see Prettylight galloping in front of me. Her hooves seem to match the pace of my heart.
Stupid alicorn looking so majestic.. If I was an alicorn people would feel this way looking at me.

The palest mfer I’ve ever seen glides up next to me as I walk.
“Hey.. You’re Twilight’s roommate, right?” she says.
I think she might be british. I throw her an unnerved glance.

“Right. I’m Rarity, I'm friends with Twilight too. Of course, we’re the only sensible ponies here. I spent all morning on my hair and this blasted alien wants me to ruin my curls with sweat and grime? Unacceptable! Absolutely! I will be having a talk with Principal Celestia about changing my classes. You have to understand, I never signed up for this Physical Education, it is not a skill a proper pony ought to have, you understand…”
I haven’t spoken yet.

It’s not continuing to talk because she technically never stopped, “Well let’s see, I went to barbados, milan, paris, rome, honolulu, and the alps. But those were just the times I didn’t get black out drunk on rose. When I tell you champagne is for the riche, NO! It’s not! It tastes bad, it just looks so fancy with the bubbles. So, what I do is create my own dress, an outfit if you will, but never a costume! No. Not a costume. So, I create a dress that resembles champagne, and then no one makes me drink it, of course! I am the champagne, it would be cannibalistique. Perhaps Commandeer Spock would enjoy that, but not I! Yes, yes, I must have a word with Principal Celestis.”
“You talk like draco malfoy” and this is the first thing I’ve said to that girl.
“Who?” she tilts her head. Normie.

We’re done with the lap and I walk alone to the benches to drink some of my water.
Threelight Sparkie is there too. Drinking water too.
Some of it misses and flows down her neck onto her white shirt.
She looks ethereal in the midday sun.
Ha! I can see her breasts. Not so perfect after all, are we pony?

I look away for modesty purposes.
And because I’m hard.
Irrevelant.

The bell rings and it’s time for more classes.
Twilight’s wet shirt is in my mind all day long.
Because I hate her so much.

Chapter 2: When your heart begins to break, we are the ponies from yesterday

A/N: Apple Jack’s pronouns are she/he/they but he’s not a foggat or anyfing! She’s asexual! mlerp :3

It’s the middle of the night.
I woke up suddenly, in a jolt. I have to piss.

I don’t bother checking if Twiright is in her bed. Why would the princess be up at this hour?

I leave the dorm room and head towards the floor’s shared bathroom.
“Oi! Laddie!” a voice calls, I raise my head up to look.
“Yeah, you there, mate!” I recognize her as the pale girl from gym.
“It’s a bit spooky being up this late innit?” she walks backwards in front of me as I try to get to the bathroom, “I can walk you back to your dorm room safe and sound though if you want to go back now?”
“No thanks I’m trying to go to the bathroom” I say more kindly than she deserves.
“Reight! I toatally get that, but, do you think it’d be even cooler if you went back to your room!!” she keeps protesting and I push past her and she yelps, “Wait! Wait!”

I open the door, I don’t even know what I’m looking at.
Twilight Shiner and some other ponies are crouching on the bathroom floor in front of a red glowing portal.
“Ummm. What?” I said very smartly.
The portal sucks everypony in.

—

I awake to piss in my pajama pants. And yelling. Awesome.
“What the EFF is going on!?” I shout and struggle in somepony’s very muscular arms.

“Calm down, I’ve got you” a soothing southern voice tells me.
“My name’s Apple Jack, you’ve been sucked into a portal along with the rest of our squad, and for that I am deeply sorry.”

“Ok let me go what I don’t care you can put me down now I don’t even care” am I tweaking? Why am I talking in this way?
Apple doesn’t seem to notice and she puts me down.
Wait. At least… I think they’re a she? I would’ve asked but I think I’m attracted to them either way and we have bigger issues than that right now.
The sky is red and the clouds are black. Unusual….

“Where.. Where are we?” Spoinky speaks up.
“It looks like some sort of hotel?” the girl with rainbow hair points to a building behind us.
“What the hell is a ‘hazbin’?”

—

We decide to venture into the strange hotel building.
“Hi there! I’m Charlie Morningstar and this is my Hazbin Hotel!” a peppy freaking nerd gets in my face. I punch on instinct.
She dodges, “Woah! You’re going to like my girlfriend Vaggie!” she turns to the rest of the group, “So, sinners, you want to get to heaven, do you?”
Apple Jack is the first to reply, “Yes, ma’am, we’re looking for my little sister Apple Bloom, do you know where she might be?”

Woah woah woah. Hold on a second. His little sister has the same first name as them, but they have different last names? Erm! Peter Pan and Peter Pot are calling, they say there’s a fork in the kitchen! Author what in the world? DONT ASK ME I DIDNT WRITE THE SHOW!!! author scolds sunset shimmer !! for breaking the fourth wall only baby kirkie can do that… mwah !! mwah !! (kisses 4 kirk =9)

Mrs Morningstar starts talking “Apple Bloom.. Hmm.. Yeah I think I heard she went to heaven.. That’s perfect! We can help you get there!”
A new face walks through the door, it’s Stephanie Beatriz. “Hey babe, who are these kids?”
Charlie turns towards her “They’re trying to get to heavem! Oh yeah, kids, this is my wife Vaggie!”
I hear Fluttershit mumble something that sounds like vagina.

“Um! Who let this kid walk around with pissed pajama pants? Come with me kid, I have a change of clothes” Vaggie Beatriz is talking to me. I nod and follow her, as we leave I can hear Twilife Starkle and Mornings talking to each other about how to get to heaven.
She’s so smart and pretty.

Stephanie leads me to a bathroom where I can take a shower and she hands me a change of clothes.
I get into the shower and think about my day so far. I don’t know what time it is so I don’t even know if it is a new day… I was sucked into a portal huh. Princess Celestia would know about sucking. I heard her and Vice Principal Dubmlemore were caught 69ing during detention.
I get lost in my thoughts about my stupid school, then I hear the door opening.

“Hey Sunset Shimmer, it’s Twilight, sorry, hi, sorry” her meek voice is dampened by the loud shower, so I open the curtain. Now I’m naked in front of her. She blushes and backs away but I don’t care, “Hey Twi, wanna mack out?” I am confident for once in my life because I know my tight little chorse bawdy is irresistible.
We make out with tongue and I’m also naked and wet from the shower. Tiwlight comes because I always take care of my girls.

—

We get dressed and dry, but I’m never really dry around twifright.
We meet the others talking with Charlie and some stranger guy.
“Hey, who’re you?” I ask the stranger guy.
He explodes Apply Jack.
“What the heck, Adam!” Morning yells, “I thought we were cool about the heaven stuff now!”
Adam groans, he calls someone on his cell phone, “Hey, Neil, I did what you wanted, will you let me come inside tonight? Raw dog fr fr?”

Excited squealing that sounds like Proffessor Armstrong can be heard over the phone. Huh. I didn’t peg him for a bottom, but I guess other people are pegging him.
Twirile turns to me, “Why does this stranger man have a belt made a dildos? I’ve never seen anything like this in my books!” nerd.
“He pegs Neil Armstrong”
“Oh that makes more sense thanks”

Stephanie Beatriz looks upset, Charlie notices and walks over to her.
“Hey are you alright baby girk?”
“Not really… that young man girl kid just exploded…. because of an adam, an angel, like…. like me..”
Charlie looks sympathetic, and by that I mean simp plus pathetic, “Oh Vagina I love you all the times, if you exlode people I love you. You’re not adam he’s a guy with dildo belt. You’re Vagina Beaters, you’re the coolest baby in the world !”
“Thanks Charles.. You always know how to treat me up” Vaggy is happy now.

“Ok so can we leave or what I peed my literal ants It’s midnight of clock also” I remind everypony.
Twiwife agrees with me, “That’s a good point, Sunset Shimmer. Alright, everypony! Let’s get the ritual summoning circle back up and let’s leave!”
We head towards the exit of hazbin hotel and all the people ponies are saying bye to us as we go.

“Did Apple Jack just fucking die?” Fluttershy asks to the rainbow pony.
“Well, babe, instead of thinking about it like death, think of it as if she just did a sonic rainboom forever.”
Fluteshy starts crying

Chapter 3: As bit by bit, It starts the need, To just let go, My pony piece

I wake up in my dorm room, Twilight is in the bed next to me.
Was it all a dream? Did Apple Jacks fuckings dead?
I guess time will tell.

I hear a yawn, “Good morning, Sunset Shimmer! I need to take Spike out for a walk, but let’s meet in the cafeteria for breakfast, yeah?” she says, the sound of sleep still soft as she speaks.
“I DONT. CARE” I run to the door intending to leave. I’m still in my pajamas.
“THAT ANIMAL IS GOING TO HELL YOU KNOW”
She smiles at me, “Well, of course! Where else would animals go when they die? Haha!”
“I LOVE YOU” and then I run! out the door! shit fuckass balls

I keep running and I bump into the rainbow one again.
“Woah there pony! You going to breakfast in that? You can borrow my outer layer dress top, groovy mama” she says.
“Um Ok” I grab it and put it on and keep running. Dress shirt and teensy tinesy pajama bottoms, I might as well have toast in my mouth if I’m already Sailor Moon. I know Princessipal Celestia had some things in her mouth the other day, worse than toast. Penis.

I bump into the white one. She falls over and I fall on top of her. In a sex looking way.
She looks up at me with big crystal ball eyes, “Could you kindly get off please?” I know Principal Celestia was getting off, probably with students too.
I’m lost in thought, she tries again, “Bugger off, fat cunt?” her white camisole blends in with her skin and leaves nothing to the imagination, her crude british words seem innocent to my chorse ears because she’s white and we’re racist.

a/n: twilight is poc truthers stand up every1 else leaf right meow!!!1!!!!11!

I get off her, she looks me up and down, disgusted but intrigued.
“You look a bloody mess, bruva. You want I could fix you up a bit, hey?” she’s smikering.

I start running some more, I leave her in my effing dust, I’m the fastest fucking horse in the Academy, fuck I’m such a fast fucking horse I’m fucking running in these halls straight up.
I stop at a corner turn when I hear some muffled voices.
“moan groan mmm yum yummy i want it the sex of yours” the voices say.
Whore the voice? Probably. My demons? Most assuredly. My actual nightmares? They are now.

It’s Captain Shock and Mister Kirk. And I just want to be clear, let me me me! not kirk from star trek, no this is Cathy Spock from star trek x my parent’s friend mr kirk who's been married to a woman for 30 years and has two adult children. And they’re smacking down in the janitor closet! And they’re sex in the janitor closet!

Haha I’m lying haha it’s just kirk from star trek : ) pony i got you! i got you. i got you.

—

I’m in the cafeteria eating on my munchies, munching on my snackies, and yeah, you guessed it, snacking on my eaties.
Suddenly hands envelope my eyes.
“WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD SHIT YOU CAN HAVE MY WALLET OH MY GOD”
“What? No. What? No, guess who.” the hands say.
“Oh sorry I thought you were the rattle snake sorry” I apologize to the hands.
“No. What? Stop it. Guess who.”

I focus on the hands. Huh? So soft, so feminine, like a river rapid, or hair of the chinchilla,
“You pesky Dumbledore, I thought you weren’t allowed to go within 100 feet of a school zone anymore?” I call out.
“Nope.. Guess again…” the owner of the hands says.
“Is this Darren Criss finally coming to take me!!”
“Nooo…. One more tryyy…..” the playful captor says.
“Transgender Joey Richter! What are you doing here!”

“Sunset, What the Hell.” I turn around and it’s Twigap.
“Titmap! Hi!” I greet her.
She moves in between my legs to kiss me on my horse nose and I grab her waist.

“Sunset Shimmer” she says in my ear as she plays with my hair.
“Yeah what’s up yeah”
“Why are you wearing Rainbow Dash’s shirt?” she whispers anxiously.
“Cause we fucked” I reply.
Tears well up in her eyes.
“We fucked hard. All of the ways.”
She runs away crying really loud.
Frickin baby I’m gonna kiss that crying baby.

—

I find Twilight’s Sparkle in our dorm and she’s crying on MY bed. I think that’s a little rude.
“Hey Twilight, I was joshing you” I reach out to put my arm around her fetal positioned body.
“What?” she sniffles out.
“I was just joking earlier, I fucked Rainbow Dash easily, it wasn’t hard at all”
“You didn’t sex the rainbow?” a single tear jogs down her cheek and I lick it off.
“That was really gross Sunset Shimmer, don’t do that again”
“You interrupted my breakfast I’m still hungry”

“I didn’t sex Rainbow Dash baby you’re the pony that I can be vulnerables with baby”
“Ok.. That’s good. I already told Fluttershy and she tried to kill herself, sniffle, she went to the hospital though she’s there now.”
“What Oh My Days What The John”
“Bitches be crazy man I don’t know” she’s smiling now.

We fall asleep in each other’s arms like gay horses. Good nap.