Luna's SolarCard Addiction

by Ihavenoideaplshelp

Summary:

Earth decides to tease Luna by taking one of his SolarCards. Unfortunately, Luna is severely addicted to SolarCards to the point that he would do anything to get them back. Venus and Mars try to cure Luna's iPad-baby-level-tantrum behaviour, but will it work? Heh. Maybe you should read.

Notes:

Do not underestimate how crazy Luna is about SolarCards. He will go really fucking far over these things.

'Give me my SolarCard back, you fat bitch!'
Earth giggles playfully as he spins the SolarCard around his orbit.
'What are you gonna do? It's just a SolarCard, Lu–'
CHOMP.
'Luna, what the everliving FUCK?' Earth screeches before screaming uncontrollably and running around in circles, letting go of the SolarCard.
Luna smiles as he looks at the SolarCard. Thankfully, Earth did not damage this one but, honestly, as the writer, I'm gonna tell you now that he should've damaged it a lot sooner, way before this instance.
Luna spits out the pieces of Earth that he got in his mouth when he bit him. There are dozens of fragments of all shapes and sizes spewing in different directions. One almost lands in Earth's eye, close to where the asteroid that wiped the dinos landed.
'Earth, you taste like shit. Take a shower, you nasty Discord admin. This might even been worse than a Redditor.'
Earth is still screaming uncontrollably and running and spinning and wailing in circles, so he doesn't reply, and he somehow doesn't notice the fragments of himself that are crashing back into him.

A certain orange with a funky accent watches from the distance as he watches the entire thing go down. The orange is really regretting introducing Luna to SolarCards now, seeing how he acts like an iPad baby.
'Hey, Mars?'
The orange spins around. Jump-scare! 'Holy shit! Venus, man, what the fuck? Why are you here?'
This burnt-lasagna-looking planet shivers. 'I'm worried about Earth and his moon.'
SCREEEEAAAAMMM!!!!!
'Yeah. So am I.'
The lasagna looks at the screaming-crying Earth, then at Luna, who is lovingly hugging his SolarCard with his gravity, and then at Mars again. 'The fuck happened to those two? That stupid fucking moon is always doing something with those damn cards.'

Assdude stares into the empty void of space. When you're the only person alive after your planet goes insane and causes a massive extinction, it can get pretty lonely, but honestly I don't give a shit because it's Assdude. Sorry to the Assdude fans. He quickly begins mashing buttons across his space ship but he clearly has forgotten whatever the fuck he's doing because this just sends the ship flying in the wrong direction. 'Useless fucking ship!' Assdude calls out as his ship starts front-flipping in Luna's direction. 'Computer, get the shitty excuse for a ship away from the rabid moon!'
Computer does not reply.
'Computer?'
Computer does not reply.
'Oh, fuck me, dude. I guess this is it.'
Computer does not reply. Useless piece of junk. Stupid piece of rubbish. Assdude hates it.

As Earth calms down, he looks towards Luna, about to lecture him for acting like a rabid animal.
'Luna, you little shit, you can't just–'
CRASH!
Earth watches as Luna looks at his SolarCard which has a nasty tear going through it, thanks to Assdude's inability to fly his ship without a computer doing it for him. How disappointing.
'Assdude, you twat! You little shit, you just ruined my fucking SolarCard!' Luna shouts at the tiny space ship before charging right towards it at full force and crushing it with his gravity. 'That's what you get for destroying my SolarCard, you useless bitch.' Meanwhile, Earth gasps in horror, having seen his last life form get murdered by his rabid moon. He also really regrets waking up from his coma right now. Maybe being unconscious was a good thing.
'Luna, you fat bastard, what the fuck was that for?'
Luna growls like a rabid animal. 'He ruined my fucking SolarCard!'
'No one gives a fuck about you and your SolarShits, you fat bitch!' Earth screeches back. 'You're a fucking murderer!'
Luna growls again and starts spinning around on his axis.
'The fuck are you doing now?'
'Grrrrrrr!!!!!!!'
'Luna?'
'Arghrrrrrrr!!!!!'
'Luna, don't you pull this shit.'
'AaaaaaAAAARGHHHGRRRRR!!!!'
Luna charges towards Earth and thwacks him three times in the face with his damaged SolarCard. Earth shrieks and starts floating around in circles, to which Luna responds by saying, 'Stop that! You're not in danger, you fat bitch!' Earth, feeling highly offended by Luna's behaviour, pulls him with his gravity and swings the rabid moon along with him. All that can be heard for miles is screaming.

The orange and lasagna sigh as they watch the iPad baby and his dense planet dancing-fighting or whatever the fuck this is. Then, the orange begins to speak.
'I think we should vaccinate the moon. It must have rabies.'
'I think they're gonna collide if they keep up with this shit.'
'But we should vaccinate.'
'Oh, no. I agree.'
'I thought you didn't believe in vaccines.'
'I am an anti-vaxxer. I just want an excuse to stab that stupid fucking iPad baby in the face.'
'Oh?'
'Seeing entitled little kids act like nasty little shits makes me want to beat them uncontrollably.'
'Oh...!'
'I feel so angry watching this little shit. I need to violently hurt it right now.'
'Actually, I think I'll do the, um, rabies shot... You can hold it down...'
'Seriously, man?'
'I hate entitled brats too but I'm just a bit concerned is all.'
'Erm, okay.'
Venus pulls out a comically large needle with a mysterious mustard coloured liquid in it right from behind of him. Don't ask how. If you think that this is some shitty excuse to continue the plot, you'd sure as fuck better not excuse the SolarBalls episode where that nasty shit pulled out a chalkboard out of nowhere and wrote her plans to develop life. See? I am excused for lazy writing. Get on my LEVEL!!!!!
'Venus, is that used? Are you sure that that's a rabies vaccine?'
'No.'
'To which question?'
'Both.'
'Oh. Are you sure?'
'Yes. I would never use needles for anything because vaccines are bad.'
'Needles are used for a lot more than vaccines, Venus.'
'Well, I, um, definitely do not know about anything else like that. Trust me.'
'Okay, then. Let's go pull those two racoons away from one another.'
'Racoons?'
'Luna and Earth.'
'Oh. Yes. Okay. Good.'

The orange and lasagna sneakily creep up towards the two spinning bodies.
'Let me go, you severely unintelligent space rock!'
'You let go of your SolarCard! You're too obsessive! This is ridiculous!'
'No one damages my cards and gets away with it!'
'No one kills my last Earthling and gets away with it!'
Whilst the orange waits nervously, the lasagna charges towards the two and pulls the feral moon away from Earth, who is shaking uncontrollably from some kind of adrenaline rush. As the rabid moon keeps trying to escape the lasagna's gravity, the orange quickly stabs the rabid moon in the face ten times before actually injecting the 'vaccine'.
Immediately, the rabid Luna begins to calm down. The 'vaccine' appears to have soothed the little iPad baby or maybe the correct term is SolarShit baby. SolarPad baby? SolarMoon? Moon Shit? No. That's bad. Either way, Luna is quickly calm and looks unnaturally relaxed.
'Did you just drug my moon? What the fuck, guys?'
'No. We vaccinated him because he acts rabid.'
'That doesn't look like a vaccine. That doesn't act or look like a vaccine at all.'
'How do you know that?'
'Maybe I am the stupidest planet ever but I don't think I've ever seen someone relax like that immediately after vaccination unless there was something else in it.'
'Why would you see that?'
'Mars, are you fucking stupid? I used to have life, if your memory works.'
'Oh. I didn't think you actually paid attention to half of their shit.'
Earth rolls his eyes as he gently pries the SolarCard out of Luna's gravity. The little moon resists but ultimately fails as Earth's gravity overrules and he tosses it into the Sun. Tears form down Luna's face, but he's too relaxed to do anything, so the little moon just falls asleep in Venus's gravity.
'Ew! The little shit is asleep! Mars, quick! Wack it in the face ten times!' the lasagna spits out, only for Earth to instinctively pull Luna out of Venus's gravity and into his own.
'I'll admit that Luna has been a bit of a bitch ever since he got into SolarCards, but you will not be allowed to hurt my family, addicted or not!'
The orange and lasagna stare at Earth. Earth just glares back at them, angrily.
'Earth, he literally bit you.'
'You drugged my moon!'
'Personally, I would–'
'No! I don't care. I'll admit that Luna has a problem, and he's been a bit of an asshole–'
'He killed Assdude!'
'Let me rephrase: he's been a major asshole and a bit of a bitch, but obviously I still want him to be safe.'
'Then burn the stupid fucking cards before he wakes up, jackass!'
'I don't know where he keeps his SolarCards.'
'Doesn't he hug them whenever he sleeps? Surely you must know.'
'Wait,' Earth says, as he forces the sleepy little moon's mouth open. Quickly, dozens of cards are revealed.
'What the quintuple, sextuple, septuple shit? How does that work? Why the fuck would these fat ass cards that are twice the size of Luna actually fit in his mouth without us realising?'
'I actually don't know. I would suggest that Luna is a magician but I don't know what kinda magician could pull shit as preposterous as this.'
'How do we get them out of his mouth?'
The lasagna giggles. 'We should just burn Luna.'
Earth flinches at the suggestion, pulling Luna further away from the lasagna and more closely towards himself. 'No! You're not burning my moon, you twat! Why the fuck would you even think of doing that to him?'
'Because he's a menace! We need to kill it before it wakes up and eats us all for looking at its SolarCards for more than a second!'
'My moon is pretty insane, but he would never do that! You stay the fuck away from my moon, Venus!'
The lasagna growls. Both Earth and the orange back up and away from it.
'You got bitten, so we need to vaccinate you too. You probably also have rabies.'
Earth shivers and quickly bolts away from the lasagna, Luna still in his gravity's grasp. In response, the lasagna snatches the needle from the orange and starts chasing after Earth. Mars watches in complete shock before fainting.

A bald potato shuffles a deck of SolarCards intently. Luna would never suspect that the potato would steal them but, truth be told, Baldi probably doesn't love them as much as Luna anyway. The bald potato still values his friends: Luna would choose SolarCards over any celestial body any day, regardless of circumstances. Suddenly, his shuffling is interrupted by wooshing sounds. The potato quickly glances to look at where the noise is coming from, only to watch Earth charging towards the Sun again, this time dragging Luna and the burnt lasagna planet with him. The potato grunts in annoyance. 'Not another one of these stunts, for fuck's sake. It's not like that dense rock even tries to hide his desire for attention. I shouldn't even bother,' the potato thinks to itself, not realising that Earth has changed direction and is now charging towards him.

Still high on adrenaline, Earth glances around towards the burnt lasagna planet who is clearly absolutely off his rocker. Earth has gained distance, but he's feeling quite tired having to drag Luna's sleepy body around, so he looks forwards again to search for an escape only to see a bald potato planet hoarding a vast collection of SolarCards. Quickly, he charges towards the potato in hopes of deterring the lasagna and burning the SolarCards, because all SolarCards are bad SolarCards when your moon is suffering from a SolarCard addiction that turns him into a rabid iPad baby.

As soon as the bald potato looks back, its SolarCards are quickly snatched and tossed right into the Sun.
'Earth, what the fuck?!' it screams, but Earth only quickly hides behind the bald potato whilst the burnt lasagna stops at a halt.
'Earth, you need your vaccine.'
'That is not a fucking vaccine, shit hole!'
'Yes, it is.'
'No it's fucking not!'
Mercury interrupts the two by saying, 'Venus, you said the reason you couldn't give me my turn with the needle was because you lost it.'
Earth and the lasagna quickly freeze in shock.
'You... You used a dirty needle that you were sharing with others on my moon...?'
'What? Mercury has no idea what he's talking about!'
Earth looks back at his little moon, who is still snoozing like a baby. He must've been tired from all that aggressive fighting.
'Venus!'
'What?!'
'You are a piece of shit!'
'Excuse me?'
'If you've actually just given my moon some kind of horrible disease, I am going to brutally slaughter you in your sleep, you whore!'
'But it killed Assdude and probably gave you rabies! It did literally the same thing! Now you have no life all because of its stupid fucking SolarCard addiction!'
'I given't a shit! You're going to end up like my Earthlings if you've actually just infected my moon with your disgusting diseases, you nasty little roach!'
'You are not intimidating with a massive bite mark and a sticky iPad baby to the side of you.'
'Sticky SolarCard baby, actually.'
'Ew! Fuck you mean "sticky"? Does he lick them?'
'Sometimes he slobbers all over them in his sleep, but remember that he also has a bunch of them in his mouth.'
'Your moon is really fucking nasty. You really should just kill it now.'
'I'm not going to kill my moon: I'm going to kill you!' Earth screams as he pulls onto the potato and swings it into the lasagna planet, ultimately killing them both, which wakes up the sleepy moon from its nap.
'Huh? Where am I?'
'You fell asleep, you silly!' Earth smiles. The little moon is genuinely so adorable whenever it's not latching onto a SolarCard.
'Earth? Why are you here?'
'I saved you because Venus wanted to kill you.'
'I had a dream that I successfully got rid of you for good in exchange for all the SolarCards in the world,' Luna says before yawning and looking at Earth in the eye. Earth's face changes from hopeful to horrified.
'You want to get rid of me, for SolarCards?'
'No... Not yet. It was a good dream, but I think I'd rather have another shot instead,' Luna replies, still half-asleep. Earth bites his lip to stop himself from screaming. This is terrible. This is very very terrible. Oh no.
'Why is that, Luna?'
'I like being asleep.'
'Because of the dream?'
'Because I can dream about having all the SolarCards in the world.'
Earth sighs of relief. At least Luna isn't hooked on a mystery substance other than SolarCards. Earth doesn't like to think about what would happen then.
'Earth, what did you do to my SolarCards?'
'There are no more SolarCards. You will never be allowed SolarCards again.'
Hearing this information, Luna's eyes turn red as he starts screaming uncontrollably again. 'I need to play SolarCards! I need to play SolarCards right now! Fuck d'you mean I won't play ever again? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the FUCK?!!!!!!!!!' The little moon no longer looks cute as it starts spinning around in circles like a broken NPC. Maybe Luna is secretly an NPC. I haven't decided yet.
'Luna, you can last five minutes without playing SolarCards.'
'But I can't! I can't do that at all!'
'Luna, your SolarCard addiction isn't healthy!'
'SolarCards aren't unhealthy, you greedy little fuck! Give me the cards now, or else I will get rid of you!'
Earth has to use a lot of his will to stop himself from ramming himself into the Sun right here and now. Seeing Luna acting like such an ungrateful bitch after saving him from a killer lasagna planet who may have been a stoner is probably the worst feeling that Earth has had since Earth Alone or even Jupiter is Back?! – Part 2. Nothing will ever top the true despair and hopelessness he felt in those episodes though.
'Luna, you have a problem.'
'My problem is that I need to get rid of you right now! You need to die right now!'
'Luna, don't say that. That's very hurtful.'
'I will say what I want! You need to die right now unless you give me back my SolarCards, you greedy asteroid licker!'
'Luna, you don't mean that, so stop acting like an ungrateful little slag and shut up about SolarCards! You will never play SolarCards ever again if you keep pulling this shit!'
'I will get rid of you! I need to get rid of you! I will exchange you for SolarCards!'
'Luna, you stupid bitch, no one would want me in exchange for your stupid little cards.'
'No! I need you gone right now!'
'I'm not leaving you when you're acting like a spoilt brat!'
'You need to die!'
'You need to stop glazing your stupid fucking cards! What's so great about them anyway?!'
'Unlike you, SolarCards don't annoy me 24/7, plus they're really fun to play with.'
'And I'm not fun to play with? You'd rather slobber over dead trees than play with your own planet?'
'You are the worst planet ever! I hate dealing with you! I would rather die than be your moon, yet here I am!'
Unfortunately, this one hits a little bit too close to home for Earth, but he must do his best to ignore Luna's very cruel words. Luna is a little bitch right now.
'You don't mean that. You're just not thinking straight.'
'I mean every word of it! I hate you, and I hate being your moon, and I hate having to wake up next to you every day, and I hate how you can't look after yourself, and I hate how stupid and dense you are, and I hate–'
'Luna, stop it...'
'–How incapable you are, and I hate how ugly your water makes you look, and I hate how bad you are at being anything but an idiot, and I hate how you're too insane to talk to, and I hate how you're so grotesquely large! I hate you so so much, you fat bitch! I wish you were dead!'
Earth doesn't even say anything to this. Instead, he starts tearing up, but then it turns into quiet sobbing, and then it turns into loud sobbing, and then it turns into ugly bawling, and then eventually it turns into Earth full-on wailing at Luna's cruel words in the ugliest most-serious way possible. He is practically screaming with pure sadness, beginning to truly believe what Luna said. Earth looks like he's crying to compensate for aeons worth of misery. He even starts shaking uncontrollably to the point that Luna backs away a little before running off elsewhere. He can't even contain the spit in his mouth because he's crying so violently so it ends up spilling all over him as he continues weeping and screaming through the void of space.

Eventually, Luna does get rid of Earth in exchange for his stupid fucking useless obnoxious obsolete little SolarCards which he should've never been introduced to. However, he quickly regrets it upon realising that the only one willing to play with him is Mars, who is somehow less competent than Earth, which is probably because he's too traumatised to think or maybe because he's scared that Luna will get rid of him and tell him that he needs to die if he wins. Because of this, Luna does actually end up regretting what he said to Earth that day, but obviously he can't take it back because Earth is gone. He got rid of him. Earth is never coming back. Earth is dead and probably still burnt as fuck if his body remains after what he did to get rid of him.

He regrets it even more one day when he gets bored of SolarCards and has no friends. Luna actually got rid of his own planet and best friend over a card game. Now Luna will never have any friends because the entire Solar System is terrified of what Luna would do to them. In fact, the majority of celestial bodies run away in absolute terror upon seeing Luna, and Luna suspects that he's been the antagonist of a few others' horror stories. One of Jupiter's moons even tried to brutally murder Luna one day but he failed because Luna learnt to be agile from reading so many SolarCards and sneaking around with them. Uranus even tried to crush Luna but Luna managed to backflip his way out of it. Luna will never live a happy life ever again because he got rid of his planet for SolarCards. He deserves it. Luna deserves it. That was very mean. I actually felt really bad for Earth whilst I was writing what Luna said to him. You can imagine how terrible Luna must feel now. He regrets it a lot. He regrets it quite a fucking lot.

Also, if anyone's wondering what happened to the SolarCards in Luna's mouth, he completely forgot about them so they decayed and he's spent years with a really disgusting flavour of decaying card in his mouth. Luna is a fucking idiot.

Notes:

You can probably guess what happened to Earth. Luna will spend the rest of his life regretting what he did to Earth. He also has bad breath.