Six Feet

by Lusse

Summary:

Post-KDC2.

How do Henry and Hans manage to navigate through their newly found relationship in the midst of all destruction and chaos? With Hans' marriage still impending, will Henry give in to his guilt and shame of his own feelings, or will they find a way to work around this?

Chapter 1: Whispers

The dust of the battle might have finally settled but the one in Henry’s head sure had not. It was still going on strong, making his body resist every time he even thought about relaxing. He was so tired. Just as much as he knew everyone else was, despite the merry mood. He was very aware of the feeling of loss underneath it all. It was difficult to feel that victorious when that had come with such a high price.

Henry took a sip of wine from his tankard, this at least helping him to quiet his racing thoughts a little. It was hard to shake off the feeling of this being a mere nightmare. A dream.

He was so out of it, trying to manage a smile at every burst of laughter even if this felt nothing like a happy ending for him. It never really ended. His mind was in a constant state of waiting for the next battle. And that if anything was draining him more than he could have ever imagined.

As his eyes wandered around the room, he locked eyes with Hans, hoping that he didn’t feel the same way as him. He took another gulp of his wine, knowing that he just had to hold it together. For that was the most important part of his job, anyway. Unfortunately it usually was the hardest, too.

Hans raised his own tankard to him from across the room, a small smile on his lips yet his eyes so worn it was hard to believe he actually meant it.

Maybe he was struggling to keep up the appearances as much as he was, after all.

The sound of the door locking behind them as they finally bid everyone goodnight was probably the first time he could let out a sigh of relief, even if that wasn’t entirely heartfelt. He was just entering another battlefield.
Against God, against himself and everything he believed in. Yet all of that felt so painfully insignificant as Hans made the first move and drew closer, pulling him into an embrace.

Neither said anything at all, Henry only thinking how much braver Hans was, seeking that comfort. He felt so small, caving into that. Just another thing to be left unspoken, a secret behind closed doors.

Despite all the bloodshed and loss, somehow this still had a way of being worse than that.

There just was nothing he could do to mask his feelings — how much he needed this, how lucky he was that they were both standing in the first place. How scared he had been that it was not the case.

The longer they embraced, the more aware he became of the fact that they both were holding back the tears.

Though instead of letting himself break down, he rather went for the bold move of catching the man’s lips instead, before either one of them had the chance to point it out.

There wasn’t much rush to it as there had been the first time, sliding his hands to Hans’ waist as he still let that desperation get through. It was like a cry for help, if anything. Yet he still couldn’t deny that it felt amazing.

As much as he wanted to.

Henry pulled back slowly, not quite being able to meet Hans’ eyes as he sat down on his bed, not even sure where to start to try to process everything.

“Are you still up for looking at my shoulder? It's starting to be really painful.“ Hans broke the silence, finally making him relax a bit. Duty first.

At least that was something he knew how to handle. The other was hurt and needed his help, there just couldn't be anything more simple than that. And that was just what he needed right now.

“Better to get it over with before it gets any worse.” Henry helped Hans strip down so he could actually take a proper look at the damage, subconsciously admiring his body, every flex of muscle as his grimy armour dropped to the floor. Thankfully, he was being forced to put those thoughts aside. That was something to worry about later.

He sat the man down on the bed, the gash thankfully not looking too bad, though he knew perfectly well even a scratch could end up being deadly. Not on his watch.

He excused the other for a moment so he could go and grab the supplies, there not being much to do but to try to keep the wound clean.

He refused to think about anything else but the task at hand, coming back with some water to rinse the wound with, as well as some honey to rub on it, probably feeling some sort of sense of peace for the first time that day. Or perhaps in a long, long time.

While Hans usually made a proper show for every small injury, this time he didn't even wince once as he tended to him, trying to bandage him up to the best of his ability once he was done with everything. Guess they both were done pretending like things were normal.

“Henry, I–” Hans started, though Henry quickly cut him off with a shake of his head.

“I'd rather not do this now, if you don't mind. We both need some rest. Proper rest. For there is more work to be done tomorrow than anyone's prepared for.” Henry sighed, not even wanting to think about all the bodies to bury, knowing it was going to be a long process to clean away every trace of the bloodshed. To start rebuilding again.

“I know what I need but that's not necessarily what I want. Not to mention that I don't know how I'm ever supposed to sleep again.” Once again Hans showed him that courage, opening up to him like this. Henry just didn't know what to do with that.

“With one eye open, for starters. But you out of all people really shouldn't worry about that. I will protect you. It's kind of a promise I made.”

“Yes, that's very comforting. But you need to sleep, too, Henry.”

“So we take turns.” He suggested, for this did feel the best that they could make out of the situation. Though the look on Hans’ face already told him he wasn't too pleased with this idea, either.

“I was… I was hoping that we would… you know. Like last time.” Suddenly that courage was replaced with a strange kind of nervousness, supposing even Hans had his limits.

It might have been a small thing yet they both could agree that it was a lot to ask. It felt a little different when they didn't have the chance of them both being dead the next day weighing on their minds. Even if given the circumstances, it was always a possibility.

Henry took Hans’ hand to his own, staring down where he was stroking along his fingers, trying to think of something to say. Something that didn't ruin this immediately.

“I just can't do this right now. You know people get hanged for less.” Henry frowned, feeling that lump in his throat from the mere thought of it. Was this all really worth the constant fear? The most frightening part was that it probably was. “It's not safe here. We will wait until we can find a place that's a bit more private.”

“I guess you're right." Despite the agreement, Henry could still pick up the disappointment in Hans’ voice. He absolutely hated the way that always made him feel like giving in, though he knew this was no time to get reckless with it. They were already playing with fire. "You don't… regret it, do you?”

“I… No, of course I don't. I just wish that things would be a little easier. It's hard not to feel guilty about it. What I wish is that I didn't feel this way to begin with. But I do. So there's that.”

“Yes.” Hans sighed. “I get what you mean." Hans gave the man's hand a squeeze, hesitating a little but still deciding to go in for a quick kiss, stroking his cheek. "We can sort this out later. Talk about everything. But right now, you need to go to sleep.”

“Since when do you give me orders?” Hans snorted.

“Since I found out how to make you whimper like a dog, my lord. ” It was the most genuine smile of the day, especially when that came with the instant shove from Hans. He never could grow tired of it, that look of disgust. That just meant that he knew a way under his skin.

They both settled into their beds, Henry feeling so restless that he almost felt like taking up on Hans’ offer after all. He could remember it so vividly, falling asleep in each other's arms. Yet he knew they had to be more careful than that.

The lock on the door didn't mean much with every single one of the gang being able to pick it. Maybe not too many to dare to do such a thing. Though while he might have trusted them with his life, he absolutely wouldn't with anything else.

Especially when he knew perfectly well that his life wouldn't mean a single thing anymore should anyone find out what was happening here.

He was putting everything at risk here, for something that shouldn't even be. Yet he could feel that burning in his chest all the same, just thinking about the feeling of those soft lips against his own for the first time. He didn't think he had ever felt quite as alive. Real.

There was nothing quite as beautiful as the moment when they both stopped pretending. Hans had taken a risk that had been anything but calculated, gambling it all for a maybe. And Henry couldn't be more thankful for that. For he sure didn't have guts like that.

Even if, deep down, he had always known. It was exactly what they had been building up to all this time.

Chapter 2: In The Dark

Despite all odds, Henry did manage to fall asleep. Though just as most days, he found himself wishing he had not. He just couldn't escape the horrors. The pain.

He blinked into the darkness and he was still there, clutching his sword as he fought for his life. The screams filled up his ears until he couldn't hear anything else anymore, trying to convince himself everything was okay once he realised where he was.

But his body failed to accept that, his heart pounding in his chest as he took in his surroundings, trying to remember that none of this was real yet he still found his hand reaching for his weapon.

Which was just when he finally snapped out of it, though it was for finally making out Hans’ face in the dark as he felt the shake on his shoulders.

His panicked mind still couldn't feel that comfort. He understood that everything was fine, yet in reality there never was any guarantee of that. He was afraid just as he should be. It wasn't really a dream when he had lived through this all. He just hoped that one day he could get actual rest.

“Henry.” Hans called out, though Henry needed a couple of more tries to fully register him. “It's okay. You're okay."

“I'm okay.” Henry echoed, though not much in agreement as much as in an effort to stop Hans fussing.

Once he was finally coming to, the only thing was the embarrassment from being so out of it. Even if having shared a room with Hans many times, he knew the other was no stranger to these nightmares himself, it still was humiliating nonetheless. Because usually he was the one waking the man up, taking care of him. He wasn't too sure how to feel about this.

"Just… the same thing. As always. Don't worry about it.”

“I know how it is. That doesn't make it any less awful."

Henry could feel his heart racing for a completely different reason as Hans snuck into his bed with him, not even touching him in any way yet that unease still settled in his stomach. It just mixed with something else that he never could quite put his finger on, when it simply felt so good to have the man beside him.

“I just… how do you cope with it? Everything?" Henry’s voice was quiet, just feeling some sense of safety here in the dark, both staring at the little light still dancing in the ceiling. Like he could almost pretend it was completely fine to let his guard down.

“I will let you know when I find a solution to that. I really don't know. I just try to forget, I guess.”

“It's… it's like I'm really there. I think I'm actually losing my mind. Like maybe one day I won't snap out of it.”

“I feel like that too, some days.”

“You do?”

“Ever since Trosky, it has become worse. I can still hear that damned bell. Then I wake up, convinced I'm still there. Thinking to myself just how much I don't want to die.”

“I’m sorry.” Henry frowned. “We never… really talked about that.”

“We don’t talk about a lot of things. Not sober, at least. Which doesn’t really matter when neither one of us can remember it in the morning.”

“I know. I’m just not… good with these sorts of things.”

“No, you’re afraid to open up to me.” Hans was quick to correct him, being absolutely right but there was no way he was going to admit that. “There’s a difference. Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I do.”

“You do have a funny way of showing that. Every time I think I’m getting through you, you just back down. Look at you, lying there stiff as a corpse even if we both know how you really feel about me.”

“Oh? Please, enlighten me, then.”

As Henry waited for a reply, what he found instead was the weight of the man on top of him and a pair of lips against his own, those of which he found absolutely impossible to resist even if he always hated to admit when Hans was right.

“If you think you’re losing your mind then perhaps this is what you should be worrying about.” Henry couldn’t help the shiver as he felt that mouth brushing against his neck, the touch so fleeting yet it only proved Hans’ words further.

“At least my nightmares don’t actually get me killed. You just might.”

“And just where do you realize that I’m here, too? There’s only so much my blood can protect me from. Do you even know why I kissed you in the first place? Because I do think that you’re worth dying for. But I see that the feeling is not as mutual as I had hoped.”

It only had taken those few wrong words for the moment to be over as Hans was just gone, listening to him shifting around in his own bed and leaving his own feeling so empty.

Henry turned to his side, letting out a sigh as he knew better than to even try to speak up. There was a fight brewing and he rather just let it cool down instead, even if that meant having to lie there with his racing thoughts once again. He just went through the man’s words, over and over again, cursing himself for not even having considered such a thing.
He had always assumed it to be an obvious thing, always looking out for the other, saving his skin even if his own was on the line. This shouldn’t have been any different. But unfortunately, it was.

There was a difference between dying an honorable death and burning in hell for an eternity just for these feelings. As strong as they were, he knew it was one wrong move and his name would be tainted forever. Even in death. The shame he would bring to his family. It just wasn’t as simple as Hans made it out to be.

Then again, for all that he had already done, he was heading south anyway.

It was an absolutely terrifying thought. Though at the same time, it didn’t exactly cause him as much pain as the thought of Hans putting an end to this did. He could pray to God for forgiveness all he wanted but that just didn’t change the fact of how much he needed Hans. How far gone he already was.

So perhaps it wasn’t God that he needed to ask that forgiveness from.

Chapter 3: Absence

When Henry woke up again, much to his surprise he found the second bed empty, with Hans nowhere to be seen. He never was the first to wake up from the two of them, though he supposed this time around he had his reasons to avoid him. Only that made his own life a little bit harder, not knowing when they could get a quiet moment for just the two of them. That is if Hans even chose to listen to him in the first place. He had so much making up to do and unfortunately the most pigheaded man to do it to.

Henry allowed himself a few more moments of contemplating his life choices in bed before finally getting himself up to join the others, already dreading the day ahead. Though at the same time, he never had been one to shy away from hard work. Even if this time around it felt mostly mentally so.

At least he was not the last to wake up, joining Godwin and Zizka at the table for a quick bite to eat, his eyes wandering around but he decided against asking after Hans even if his absence was rather loud to him. Knowing him, he was probably somewhere sulking by himself, which he knew better than to interrupt. He'd get to him, eventually. For now, there were more pressing matters at hand.

“So, what's the plan for today?" Henry asked as the pair seemed to be a little too quiet to his liking. "I know we have most of it covered but I still want to help out in any way I can.”

“I would say you have done more than enough for everyone, Henry.” Zizka shook his head, not even being able to take this as a compliment when it felt like the man was simply dismissing him. Like he couldn't handle it. “We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.”

“Arguable.” Henry pressed, biting into a sausage. "You might have been in trouble before I came with reinforcements but you held up better than most ever could have. You could have made it."

“Maybe for a while, yes. But we were completely outnumbered here.” Godwin stepped in, looking a bit lost in thought, perhaps trying just to forget this all. He couldn't blame him. "It was… chaos. I'm sure every single person here was certain that we were done for. You really did come at the nick of time."

“Exactly. Don't sell yourself too short, Henry. What you did was brave.” Zizka nodded.

“Right. That doesn't mean I still can't be of any use here. The quicker we get this mess cleaned up, the better.”

“If that's what you really want.”

Well, it maybe wasn't what he wanted but he still did feel obligated to help, heading outside to the courtyard once he was done with his food. He wanted to say he had never seen as much blood but then again, it probably was the same amount as it had been the last time. Something told him there would be a next time, too. There always was a next time.

Death. It was maybe something one could never get fully used to but he had learned a trick or two over the years being forced to face it. He knew how to just block it all out of his mind as he helped to carry out the corpses. No matter how many familiar faces he came to recognize, it was just a body now, waiting to get buried. The person became a thing in his mind and that was simply so much easier for him to handle, as much as some felt harder than others. Alas, his tricks didn't work perfectly every single time. But he was trying his best just so he could get this all over with.

He still couldn't help but look around in the hopes of catching sight of Hans, only to find that the man still was nowhere to be seen. It was hard not to get a little concerned, even if realistically he knew there was nothing to worry about. He just wasn't used to this, not knowing the man's whereabouts. Hans had only pulled this stunt once which was maybe just what he was afraid of the most, that he was as upset as he had been back then. While Hans could maybe handle himself just fine as he had proven to him time and time again, it was still unnerving when he was probably not in the best state of mind. That was just when he tended to get a little too careless.

The day stretched on, his body aching from all the carrying and digging, though at least it was nice to have something else to put his mind into. For as long as he was working, he didn't need to think, which was always the silver lining.
By the time the sun was starting to set, he was way too exhausted to even consider the mess he had gotten himself into, even if in the back of his mind there still was the nagging thought that Hans still wasn't back.

It was eventually too dark to even do much, which was the time that he could tell himself to stop and head inside after a quick wash. He could maybe get the worst of the blood and grime off himself but there was no amount of scrubbing he could do to make himself feel clean again. That smell of death was going to be stuck in his nose for weeks. The worst part was that he was rather starting to get used to it.

Henry joined everyone for supper, starting off with wine before he even thought about eating anything, his stomach still turning from the thought of it. He just needed his mind to calm down first. To get the image of all those twisted bodies and empty faces off his head, focus on the living instead.

“Have you seen Hans?" Henry turned to see Katherine joining him, her own tankard filled to the brim. Clearly he wasn't the only one struggling here. Of course he wasn't. The war had sympathy for no one. Especially those who deserved it the most.

“No, he was gone by the time I woke up." Henry shook his head, not helping the sigh that came with the fact that he was now forced to deal with this. “I don't know. You know him. Probably had some important business to take care of."

“So why aren't you with him, then?”

“When I say important business, that can also mean drinking and whoring. Probably doesn't need me to be there for that."

“No, probably not." Katherine snorted. "It's just that he promised to help me with something. I don't want to think badly of him. That he would ditch me for something like that.”

“I'm sure he had his reasons.”

“Well, just tell him to talk to me when he gets back.”

If Henry had been worried before, it was nothing compared to the chaos of his mind now. While he wouldn't have put it past Hans to do something like this in the past, he truly had grown a lot. For starters, Henry knew that he cared about these people. He had made true friends with people he wouldn't have looked at twice before. Something just wasn't sitting right. And that was just the feeling in his stomach it was hard to get rid of.

He just didn't have an appetite anymore, deciding to just retreat to their room instead, mostly just to look for any kind of clues.

His sword was obviously gone which gave him some sense of relief, though it was the absence of the man's bow that left his mind racing. Had he been hunting, he would have been here by now. That feeling of dread only grew stronger with that thought, not even caring about the way he was digging through the man's belongings in his quest to get at least some idea what he had been up to. Of course Henry knew it was not uncommon for the other to stay gone for days, if not only for the fact that he hardly had taken enough supplies with him for a trip like that.

Once again he was left with the feeling that he was going to have to save his sorry arse from trouble. Just as he had thought he could finally catch a break from that. If only he could be that lucky.

Chapter 4: Presence

The forest was eerily quiet, the distant echo of wolves howling not exactly making him feel much better. He just tried to make out where he was stepping but his torch gave him only so much light to guide his way. He felt so worn out, his body not exactly equipped for a search and rescue in the woods but it wasn't like he had much of a choice. For this was simply something that ran in his blood now, deeper than it ever had. He wouldn't rest until he was confident that the man was safe and sound.

He knew better than to call out for the other, not exactly wanting to get attacked, knowing no decent people were wandering outside at this hour. Which probably included himself, too.

He tried to look out for any source of light in the distance, careful with his steps as he could feel every root and stone under his feet, looking to make him trip and fall. Good thing he had had his fair share of practice in the wilderness, making him still walk with some level of confidence in the dark.

One could still never be too cautious for all things that could be lurking behind every bush, just hoping that none of which had gotten to Hans. Having been in more than enough close calls himself, he knew it only took one wrong move. He just had to try to stop thinking about that. He couldn't let these kinds of things cloud his judgement, when that would only leave him too desperate. And that was just when he started to make mistakes.

He approached this like any regular task, having hunted down enough people to know where to begin. Even if in Hans’ case, he didn't have a single clue where he had been heading, he did know a few deer hunting spots in the area. It was a place to start, at least.

For a good while, Henry was convinced he was going to stay there the whole night, with every potential spot turning out to be a bust. His damned body was starting to fail on him, legs weak and aching. Muscles sore and eyes growing heavy with each step. Though as per usual, he chose to ignore that. He just needed to push through.

At the first sight of a campfire, Henry considered the possibility of it belonging to a group of bandits at most. He took in a steady breath, his fingers hovering over his sword in his hip as he quietly approached the light. Everything always seemed so much louder in the quiet of the forest, every crack of a branch under his boots having him holding his breath.

Just for him to release that along with every bit of tension in his body as he recognized Hans on the ground, looking a bit worse for wear but the most important thing was that he was alive.

Though as he lurked behind a tree, somehow he would have preferred to deal with some bandits instead, having no clue how to even approach the other. He was clearly hurt which meant he was going to be in an even worse mood than usual. And there was that possibility of him being the last person he wanted to see anyway. A high possibility.

“Had a wrestle with a bear or what?" Henry finally spoke up as he came to sight, evidently startling Hans for how quickly he had his sword pointed at him. "I take it you're still mad.” Henry attempted a joke, which clearly didn't catch up to Hans at all. But he still did drop his sword unceremoniously back on the ground.

“Sort of. A bear trap.” Hans’ frowned, visibly ashamed of admitting that. "What are you doing here?"

“Just having my nightly stroll in the woods, picking flowers — why do you think?” Henry shook his head, crouching down next to Hans so he could take a look at his leg, somehow having turned into the man's personal healer over time. Not that he minded, per se. “I understand now why you haven't come back but I don't understand what you're doing here in the first place.”

“What does it look like? I was hunting. I just… needed to shoot something.”

“Haven't you had enough of killing already?” Henry snorted, the wound on the man's leg definitely not looking too good. The way he had managed to get out of the trap in the first place was a story he had to save for later. It just couldn't have been pleasant. “Can you walk?"

“Yes, I'm just sitting and bleeding here as bait for wolves just for the thrill of it. No, of course I can't walk."

“I was thinking more in the sense of can you walk if you had to? But I take it the answer is still no.”

“Well, I would crawl on all fours on bloody stumps if it was absolutely necessary.” Hans bit, though his face eventually softened a little. "But I would appreciate the help now. Nobody is chasing us now.”

“Of course.” Henry settled with, instead of teasing the man any further, for he rather stayed on his good side for as long as he was able to. That meant that the other was actually willing to cooperate. And that, if anything, was the one thing that made his life a little bit easier when it came to Hans.

He put out the fire, gathering all the man's supplies into the bag, the little game Hans had gotten unfortunately having to stay for the wild animals to eat. He just couldn't carry everything. Or perhaps they could check if they were still here in the morning, as pointless as that already felt to him.

“Alright, ready?” Henry asked, even if he didn't give Hans the time to even reply as he helped him off the ground, hauling him over his shoulder. Somehow even this was something he had grown used to, though this time around the weight on him was absolutely pushing him to his limits. Not that it ever had stopped him before, knowing that Hans needed help as soon as possible.

The trip back felt a whole lot longer, both quiet for different reasons. Henry because of the physical struggle, whereas Hans was probably licking up the wounds of his brittle dignity, being carried like this. Neither really had a choice here so they just had to push through it.

Just as well as he knew that he had to keep his thoughts to himself now, when this was not the time and place to try to hold any kind of a meaningful conversation. Which, then again, worked well in his favour. Henry wasn't too sure if he was ever going to be ready for it. He was quite sure he'd rather take on that bear instead of trying to explain his feelings to Hans.

The sun was almost starting to rise by the time they had made it back, calling out to the closest guard to go and wake up Musa, for this definitely went completely beyond his expertise. He definitely was going to need some sutures, which he didn't want to mess up when there was someone actually capable of handling it.

He brought Hans to the infirmary, letting out a heavy sigh when he was beyond exhausted at this point, though he still made sure to already get all the supplies ready. Including a bottle of the strongest spirit that he could find, helping himself to it as well, before handing it over to Hans so he could prepare himself for the pain that was about to come.

Waiting for Musa, Henry made the choice to cut through the man's hose instead of trying to work them off with all that sticky blood, feeling a little dizzy the longer he stared at the gnarly wound. As much as he had seen in his time, it was a little different when it was someone this dear to him.

“Lord Capon.” Came the worried voice, Musa somehow looking ready for action, sharp as ever, as if he hadn't gotten out of bed mere moments ago. Henry looked up, starting to relax a little again when he was finally feeling like everything was under control again. The situation was bad, for sure, but it was being dealt with. Hans wasn't out there on his own anymore. He was here. Safe.

“Got himself caught in a bear trap.” Henry explained as Hans evidently was in no state to do so himself, just holding onto the bottle like his life depended on it between his sips.

At least Musa didn't mind the fact that he was so keen on helping out, pressing on the wound to stop the bleeding first, giving Hans some more time to drink himself into oblivion. Though as it finally came to throw that spirit right into the wound, it was hard not to wince out of sympathy for the growl that Hans let out.

He felt so damned close to just grabbing his hand for support, but of course he decided against it, even as he watched Musa finally digging into the skin, slowly and very painfully starting to stitch him up together. There weren't even any words of encouragement that didn't make him feel nervous, which felt absolutely ridiculous, when this was just a normal thing to do.

Yet Henry only watched in his own agony as Hans struggled with every single puncture, taking proper gulps out of the bottle but nothing just seemed to work but the hope of passing out. The luxury of which Hans unfortunately didn't get. He was just getting a little delirious which Henry didn't take as a good sign, though Musa assured him that he would turn out just fine. It wasn't a fever, at least not yet. It was more due to the man's heavy self-medication that left him mumbling all kinds of nonsense. It was hard not to feel nervous about that, too. Even if Musa probably wouldn’t think twice about it, he sure as hell would.

Just thankfully enough Hans’ tongue didn’t become too loose, as much as he was asking after him a lot. He just wished he had the guts to be there for him in a way that he so clearly needed, yet he simply was too afraid. Too afraid of letting too much slip, knowing how easily that could get them into trouble. Well, him at least, getting so soft with the other.

Hans seemed to be at his breaking point by the time that Musa was finally done with him, after making sure he downed a handful of different potions. He looked absolutely awful, all colour drained from his face, making the arrow wound feel like nothing but a scratch in comparison.

Henry gladly took upon the task of carrying the other into bed, promising Musa to keep a proper eye on him, just hoping that nothing would take a turn for the worse. He didn’t know how he was supposed to handle that. It was like God didn’t want Henry to have him. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. But it truly was unfair to let Hans go through so much torment for it.

Hans seemed to be a bit more conscious now that the worst of the pain was gone, carefully setting him down on his bed, finally being able to show a little care as he gently brushed back the man’s hair. “Don’t ever take off like that again.” Henry murmured, getting back to the door to lock it. Finally. “I can’t do my job that I was put up to. For a good reason, might I add.”

“Right. That’s all this is for you.” Hans’ expression darkened again, making Henry wonder if he could ever manage to say the right words. Hans just enjoyed twisting every single thing he said.

“Back to this, are we?” Henry sighed, sitting down on the bed as he did his best not to let the man’s anger rub off on him. That was exactly what Hans was looking for. “No, it’s not. I would have done just the same even if I didn’t get paid to do it.” Henry pressed, stroking over the man’s arm. “I care about you. More than I have ever cared about anyone. Which is just why I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“And where was that when I needed it? You only ever speak up when you think you’re losing me. I’m not some damsel in distress you need to save to feel good about yourself. I need you at other times, too.”

“I’m… sorry.” Henry frowned, having to once again see how right Hans was, what a coward he was underneath all of it. “I just don’t know what to think, Hans. I don’t know what to do, either. About you. About us.”

“And you think I have a damn clue? Did you forget that I am the one that’s going to be married soon? All the while wanting nothing more but to spend eternity with you, instead.”

“Maybe we should just… quit while we are ahead.” Henry absolutely hated the words that came out of his mouth, though it was just what his common sense was telling him. Or maybe it was just his fear. “Before we make things even more complicated.”

“It’s your call.” Henry could tell just how feigned the man’s indifference was, for he could still hear the slight tremble in his voice despite the heavy slur of it.

“I know.” Henry sighed, looking away. “But I’m here now. For you.”

Chapter 5: Repentance

Henry listened to the heavy breaths of Hans who had finally dozed off, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest while his own mind refused to let him sleep. No matter how exhausted he was, the only thing he could manage was some rest for his body as he lay there next to the other. It wasn’t that he was taking Musa’s words that seriously, even if it was a part of it, checking Hans’ forehead from time to time.

It was more of the fact that Hans had put him into such a difficult position, in between two choices he didn’t want to make. While he maybe wanted to listen to his head and do the smart thing, his heart on the other hand didn’t want to agree with that. All he could think about was all that he was throwing away, the potential of something so amazing. He sure as hell had never felt this way before. And some part of him was convinced that he was never going to again. 

It wasn’t as much infatuation as it was something much deeper than that. After all that they had been through together, there wasn’t anyone that understood him quite like Hans. It had made taking that next step feel so natural, even if in reality it had been anything but. There was absolutely nothing natural about this. 

But he also couldn’t deny that it was real. His feelings were real. 

Henry had been the one to suggest it,  maybe, only that didn't make the decision any easier. While he maybe didn't know just what kind of a future they could ever have, especially with the man being married off soon. At the same time, no matter what the circumstances, they were always going to be sneaking around. So maybe it was worth giving it a shot, to make the best out of everything. Even if it wasn't much. At least they could still have each other in a way they both so desperately wanted. 

It would be anything but easy to walk away from this, having spent forever trying to put a finger on the way they had grown closer and closer. Admiring the other from afar yet having been so blind to it at the same time. Just how much closer he had really wanted to be.

It was like nothing had made any sense to him. But after the first kiss, everything had. 

And now he was right back to that feeling of uncertainty, which was a place that he rather didn't want to be in. He didn't know what to do. There was what he needed to do and then there was what he wanted. Unfortunately, there was no middle ground there. He needed to come up with some kind of a solution and he needed to do so fast, before he allowed his feelings to grow any stronger and make this all even more painful than it had to be. Either way, it was going to hurt. 

He sat up on the bed with a sigh, trying to move as quietly as he could not to wake up the other. Which was never an easy thing to do when he started to feel this restless. Let alone when sharing a damn bed. It was a good thing Hans had drank as much as he had, for he didn't at least seem to be bothering him at all. Usually, he was just as light of a sleeper as he was. 

Just how used to he was to the shared panicked breaths in the dark, the twisting and turning while neither ever said a thing at all. Even if it was starting to dawn on him now that they really should have. It was still nice to know he wasn't alone with his struggles. Not that he was too happy about finding out just how deep those were for the other as well, when all he could think about was that had he done a better job, the man could have been saved from a lot of terrors. He really had failed him, in so many ways. And now he was planning to do so again. Henry wasn't too sure if he could do this at all. 

He quietly got up from the bed for a drink of water, trying to stop himself from pacing around when that if anything tended to wake Hans up. Just as much as it was always grinding his gears. 

“Henry.” Came the quiet mumble from the bed, evidently his efforts to be considerate having been in vain. 

“Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you up.”

“I've listened to you think yourself to insanity for a while now. You know it wouldn't kill you to share sometimes." 

“Well, I thought you were asleep, didn't I? I didn't want to bother you." 

“Right. But I'm listening now. For the love of God, just tell me what's going on.”

“Oh, there's no love lost there. That's the problem." Henry snorted, as much as his face remained blank. He couldn't find much amusement in any of this, even if it would make it easier. “I'm just… thinking about what I said. And I don't know how I am supposed to make a decision like that.”

“Nobody is asking you to do that right now.”

“I know.” Henry frowned. “If only it was that easy. But I can't… It's so frustrating. If we continue like this, I'm just going to make this harder for myself. And you as well.”

“Continue like what, exactly? You running away every time I try to show you affection?”

“You know what I mean, Hans.”

“But just how are you going to know what you want if you don't allow yourself to explore this?”

“I don't want to explore anything.”

“Liar.”

“I'm a good Christian." 

“Liar." Hans pressed again, almost a little angry this time. “You kissed me. You touched me. You want me. Whatever you're telling yourself now doesn't matter when we both know the truth. You think you can fool God?”

“No, of course not. I just…” Hans sure didn't want to make this too easy on him, somehow always finding himself in this same place, feeling so cornered. 

“Don't talk to me about faith now, after all that you have done. Whoring, thieving, killing… Oh please.” Hans scoffed.  “You use it like a weapon whenever it suits you. You don't fear Him. You fear what you've become.”

“You have no idea what you're talking about." 

“Don't I? Or do you just not want to admit that I'm right?" 

“You can't question my faith." 

“But I just did." Hans shook his head. “Just admit it." 

“No. You're off your head." 

“I'm just not hiding from my sins. I’m only trying to help you." 

“This is so easy for you, huh? Abandoning God?" 

“But I'm not abandoning anything. I just know where I'm going so I might as well enjoy the ride while I'm still alive.”

“I can still repent." Henry tried, even if he already knew he was losing this fight. Just like always. 

“All you want. That still doesn't change anything." 

“Alright, just stop it." Henry couldn't help but raise his voice a little, when this was starting to get all too much for him. "Okay. Yes. I do want you. There. I said it. Congratulations for once again being right about me.” Henry sat down on the bed, defeated. "I just didn't understand how you can be so… calm? Doesn't hell scare you?" 

“Of course it does. A lot of things scare me. The difference between me and you is that I've already gone through this a long time ago. I prayed every night that I could be fixed and I didn't want to tear your clothes off every time I saw you but guess what? It didn't work.” 

“And just how long are we talking about?”

“I'd say around our… eventful night at the baths. Something changed. I'm still trying to figure out what that was.”

“A pitcher too many of Sylvan red, perhaps." Henry snorted. 

“Well, that helped." Hans reached out to pull him back on the bed, not even bothering to resist as he settled back down next to him, being careful as he could not to mess with his leg. “But then I wake up with a banging head and I still wanted to touch you in shameful places so there's that. I… didn't think there was a single chance you would feel the same way. Obviously.”

“Then why now?”

“Well, I was convinced you'd be dead so it wasn't like I had anything to lose. But also because I'm not blind. You and your wandering eyes.”

“That obvious, huh?”

“It was either that or I was just imagining everything. So I took that chance.”

“I'm glad you did." 

“Liar.” 

Henry couldn't even argue when he already felt the lips on his own, once again having to admit that Hans had a solid point. His life would have been a whole lot easier if he hadn't taken that first move. He could have lived with it. Only now everything was ruined. He was ruined. 

He closed his eyes, deepening the kiss as it simply felt too good just to give in, having been stripped down from every single excuse. That hunger just grew the more he got into it, deep down knowing this wasn't the place for this but for that brief moment, he didn't want to care. 

He didn't want to care about anything but that body pressing against his own, the movements a little awkward with Hans’ injury, but they made it work nonetheless. 

While he hadn't thought of going much further, once he got going it was impossible for him to stop, every little press of a tongue working up that arousal. He couldn't get enough of it, catching his breath just to go right in again, though this time letting his hand wander down between the man's legs. 

Henry couldn't help the pleased hum as he noted Hans being just as worked up as he was, not wasting any time as he slipped his hand inside his hose, taking him into his hand. Obviously Hans’ didn't put up any resistance, rather shifting a little so he could return the favour, leaving them panting into each other’s mouths in the bliss of it. 

It was absolutely disgusting but unfortunately just what got him going, working on the man's cock as he thrust his own into that sweet touch, completely losing himself in the process. 

Henry loved the way he felt in his hand, the way he could force out that whimper again as he picked up the pace, convinced it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. So pathetic, uncontrollable, like he couldn't quite believe how good he was feeling. 

That feeling was certainly a mutual one. 

Trying to keep his own voice down, even their breaths alone seemed so loud in the quiet room. Which just became even more quiet as he felt the teeth against his shoulder as the other came undone, evidently to silence himself, making such a mess between them. 

Which was all that Henry needed to follow right after, or perhaps it was just the throbbing pain on his shoulder, bringing him over the edge. Perhaps it was simply Hans being so irresistible, face all twisted in his pleasure as he finally broke the kiss, a sight that he wanted to see a hundred times more. 

And in that very moment he already knew he was going to, for there was no way he could ever give something as good as this up. They'd figure it out. Somehow. 

“Did I prove my point well?” Hans murmured, pressing lazy kisses along his neck, feeling his hot breath against it. "Or do you need some more convincing?”

“No, I think you got it all covered.” Henry snorted, resting his eyes. "So now what?”

“Hell if I know.” Hans murmured. "Aren't you the one with all the answers?”

“Once you've healed enough, we'll get away from here. We'll find a place where we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. Make use of all the time we got left.”

“See? You already got it all figured out.”

“That's just a dream, though. It might take a while before you're even fit enough to ride a horse again. We got to make that actually happen, you know.”

“My dear Henry, this is just enough of a dream that we're having right now.”

“Now who is a liar?”

“I mean it.” Hans bit, giving his nipple a sharp pinch, making him jerk for how sensitive he was. "I never thought I could have you like this.”

“Have me? A piece of meat is just what I am to you?”

“Mm, I can always trust you to ruin the moment." Hans shook his head, still getting a proper shove despite the laugh. 

“You're the one always picking a fight." 

“Yes. Because I know that I'll always win.”

Chapter 6: Solitude

There was a smell of a new beginning in the air as things finally seemed to settle down in Suchdol. Buildings were starting to get repaired, wounds were beginning to heal and therefore sending a lot of men on their way again.

Even if it was the mental scars that were going to last the longest anyway, for once Henry didn't feel like this was the ending. That there was some hope left. Even for him.

Hans still wasn't doing that great at all but thankfully nobody minded their stay. It was probably them both that had the most issue with it anyway. With Hans still stuck in bed, that was just where he spent most days, too. Right by his side, taking care of him and trying not to complain about his impossible request at times.

At least he knew he was getting better when he started complaining about the food and wine, at times feeling like he was only testing his limits rather than having a real problem with anything. It was getting on his nerves, that much was for sure, but that was just what tended to happen when the two of them were stuck together for too long.

Unfortunately both of them knew just how to get under each other's skin. And it was hard to resist taking the bait whenever Hans was being unnecessarily snappy at him.

There was a limit to his understanding, especially when with Hans that always had to be stretched out as thin as he could. He just had to have a little more patience. He knew things were going to be different once they finally got out of here.

“The soup’s cold.” Came the first complaint of the day, making Henry convinced that he really was just trying to mess with him.

“Well, it's your own fault for letting it cool down when it was too hot a moment ago.” Henry shook his head, setting out the freshly laundered clothes for him to help the other get into later. He was slowly but surely starting to feel like a housewife, which definitely wasn't a nice thought. He just needed a moment to himself. Somewhere far away from Hans’ ridiculous demands. "Stop being a child. Just eat.”

Much to his surprise, Hans actually did what he was told, though he certainly didn't look too happy while doing it. Maybe he was finally beginning to have an epiphany about what an arse he had been. Maybe he was too hungry for him to wait for the soup to be heated up again. Either way, a small victory was a victory nonetheless.

Henry announced the other to be in need of some air, which the other obviously protested to when he was just about the only source of entertainment for him. But he also knew that the bit of distance was going to do them both some good. Even if he was probably going to spend the entire time worrying about how Hans was holding up. Well, Henry reminded himself. He was back to being his own, infuriating himself. He could manage a day without him.

The castle felt so quiet now, even if he could almost still hear the sounds of a battle as he got to the courtyard, the ghost of it still haunting him more than he cared to admit. Which was all the more reason for him to ride out of town, knowing Pebbles was also looking forwards to a change of scenery.

He hadn't even realized just how long it had been when the first thought in his head was just how much he had missed riding, taking off without a single plan ahead, just going where the wind would take him.

And as per usual it always did take him off the main roads, rather preferring the quiet paths in through the thick woods that surrounded him, even if it always could get dangerous. It was a constant thought in the back of his mind but he wasn't going to let anything ruin his good mood.

He slowed Pebbles down to a gait so he could enjoy the nature even more, listening to the soft sound of the stream to his right. Henry knew he had it bad when he was already thinking how nice it would be to share this moment with Hans, how nice it would be to dip their feet into the water and enjoy the heat of the sun. Kiss him stupid under the cover of the trees and pretend that they could be happy for once.

Maybe they could. Even if just for a little while.

He passed a few traders along the way, buying some treats to take back to Hans as eating was just about the sole enjoyment for him at the moment. Well, if he excluded the bit of fooling around in between their constant arguments, which always did manage to lift his spirits for a while. He just couldn't wait for them to get enough privacy to take that a step further, having gotten close plenty of times but somehow he still always found himself chickening out. It just felt like the final nail to the coffin they had made. He was curious yet absolutely terrified at the same time, which then again could be said about all of this.

There was always that fear underneath every heat of the moment kiss, of getting caught, of falling in love. Of having to let go.

The man that drove him mad most days was still also the man he couldn't go without even this long without missing. He didn't think he had ever been this afraid before. Not for his life, not for his country. But for how bad he was going to feel, having to sit there watching as Hans was married off to someone who was never going to see for who he really was. He knew how Hans felt about it, too, making things all the more grim. Maybe they wouldn't be able to do these things anymore. He was going to look back and ache for this time, having so much of the other that he wanted go get away.

Henry hopped off his horse, not waiting for the perfect moment as he was more than capable of enjoying these things on his own, too. He took off his boots and rolled up his hose legs, stepping into the water and just taking in the coolness of it. He picked up a flat rock to toss it into the stream, taking a few more turns just to see how many times he could make it bounce. It wasn't quite as fun without competition, but sometimes it was nice to remind himself of the person he used to be. How carefree his life had set out to be. Just for everything to change in a blink of an eye.

He had gotten his revenge, served it colder than he ever could have imagined. It had felt so good in the moment, too. Butchering Toth like a pig, watching the light fade away in Von Aulitz’s eyes. Just as he had watched his parents fade away. How everything had faded away. And that was something he was never going to get back, either. No matter how badly he wanted to.

Just because something was justified didn't mean that he felt proud of it. Nor that it had been the right thing to do.

In the end, Toth’s words still rang in his ears when he felt bad about himself, how right he might have been. He had acted purely out of rage, hoping that it would bring an end to that. Yet he still found no peace in his heart, that anger for the world still persisting. That same world that was never going to allow him to have what he wanted.

The next stone that he tossed was done a lot harder than necessary, the splash of it even getting him wet in the process.

Maybe it was time to head back.

Chapter 7: Vindication

Henry took his time, even as the sun was setting, knowing he still was going to be back before it got too dark. While he might have been more than skilled to handle himself, sometimes staying out at night felt a little suicidal. Especially now when he did have a choice of a warm room and a soft bed. Maybe he just had to take the time to remember that. How good he had it.

He could get that rush of adrenaline of riding through the dangerous parts of the woods while still knowing he was going to sleep safe and sound. It was just plain stupid to take too many risks, especially for how unnecessary they were. Just perhaps he was always going to have a bit of a yearning for the adventure. It kept him on his toes, making him prepared for whatever was to come.

“Hans?” Henry called out as he came into the room, as if to find the man anywhere but in the same spot where he had left him, looking anything but happy. It really had been a good idea to leave when he actually had the capacity to feel sorry for him again. “I know I was out longer than I planned to. But I brought you some sweets. Some dried apple and honey.” He held out the bag in his hands, which at least the man was quick to grab from him.

“Where were you?" Hans sounded almost a little accusatory as he bit into the piece of apple.

“I just needed some air, like I told you. I can tell you my day was probably just as uneventful as yours. Just a bit more sunshine."

“Right. Did you see anyone?”

“Not… really. A few traders where I got you these from.” Henry frowned, not knowing why this would be important. "I was kind of looking a place I wouldn't bump into anyone.”

“Fine.” Hans somehow didn't look too pleased still, which went completely over his head, like for some reason he didn't believe him. "Thank you for the food.”

“Is something wrong?" Henry just had to ask, even if this was usually the question that got him into the most trouble.

“No.” So a definite yes, then.

“Tell me. Whatever it is that I did, I can't make it up to you if you don't tell me what it is.”

“So you do have something to make up for?” Of course. Hans’ favourite game.

“I wouldn't know. Besides leaving you here on your own. Which I am sorry for. But I was quite sure we would end up killing each other if I stayed any longer.”

“So where were you?" Hans asked again, making Henry furrow his brow until it finally dawned on him just what the other was fishing for here.

“Not up anyone's skirt, if that's what you're wondering. I just had a slow ride with Pebbles. Alone.”

“No, I wasn't wondering.” Hans frowned in turn, evidently feeling relieved yet so defensive at the same time. “I was just waiting for a bit more exciting of a story. I'm bored out of my skull here."

“I'm sorry but I've already exhausted you with all my escapades.” Henry snorted. “Though I did have a little daydream, if you're interested."

“Anything." Hans mused, digging into the honey in turn.

“I… I wondered how good it would feel to get inside you." It felt absolutely surreal, saying these things aloud, yet the stunned reaction he got from Hans made it more than worth the while. “Do it for real. Take you nice and slow and leave you dripping with my mess when I'm done.”

“You're filthy."

“Don't pretend you don't want it, too. Always rubbing yourself on me like you're just begging me to flip you over."

“Sodomy, really? You think God is going to turn a blind eye?" Maybe under different circumstances he would have taken offence, yet right now Hans’ teasing had a whole lot different kind of an effect on him.

“Let's just say you have the power to make my morals… very loose." Henry smiled, climbing into the bed with the other. He moved the man's hand right to his crotch. “You make me want to do all kinds of filthy things to you.”

Unfortunately, instead of getting to elaborate on that, his body was filled with nothing but terror instead as there was a sharp knock on the door. They locked eyes just for a second, Hans visibly just as startled as he was. But then he had already jumped out of the bed, his heart pounding wild in his chest, which he was doing everything in his power to get to calm down. He was afraid it was written all over him, just what they had been up to.

This was just a good reminder to not to get reckless like this, admittedly having grown a little too comfortable with these kinds of things. They were too comfortable. And that was a problem. The walls were thinner than what they pretended them to be, every single time the urge hit, making him feel like it was just the two of them left in this world.

Henry let out a breath, trying to get his panic to leave his body with it as he went to open the door, suddenly feeling like all the locks were starting to feel a little too suspicious on their own as he went to unlock them. It was just in his head, he tried to remind himself. Nobody knew.

“Ah, Henry. I'm sorry to disturb you two at this hour.” Godwin stood behind the door, peeking into the room to address Hans as well. “How are we holding up?"

“I tell him he could try walking already but he refuses to do it. I think we have more than outstayed our welcome here."

“Nonsense. Pisek would have kicked your arses out a long time ago if that was the case. Or me, for that matter.” Godwin let out a small laugh. "Which brings me to why I am here. I'm leaving in the morning. It's about time I'll leave this nightmare behind and continue with my work."

“It's hardly a goodbye, is it?"

“No, certainly not. But if you're interested, I was thinking a little celebration might be in order. For old time's sake." Of course. Leave it to Godwin to find every excuse for a drink. Then again, the offer was one that he could hardly refuse, not knowing when they would be able to meet again. Especially when he knew Hans and him had grown closer together despite all odds, something that he would never get to understand. But maybe he didn't have to.

“I see you already got a head start with the celebrations.” Hans called out from the bed, though making a point of properly sitting up. He knew his leg had to hurt still but he was still making a bit too much of a show of his struggle. “We're game. We'll send you off so well that you'll be hurling all the way there.”

“We just have to make sure to save some for the trip.” Godwin laughed again, making his way inside the room so Henry could close the door behind him, seeing that this affair seemed to be a very private one.

Godwin set the pitcher down after having filled up the tankards, Henry grabbing ones from them both, somehow feeling like this was going to be a very eventful night, after all. Perhaps not one that he had envisioned, to say the least, but when it came to drinking with Godwin, it was a guarantee of good memories made. And perhaps a few bad ones to regret in the morning.

“You two seem to be all too holed up in here.” Godwin noted as he took a swig. “You take your job a bit too seriously, Henry. I hear you refused all help in here, too.”

“Well, to be honest, it was mostly my own doing.” Hans butted in, much to Henry’s surprise. “I just got tired of people coming in and out of here when I was just trying to rest. Henry can manage to take care of me just fine. It's kind of what I pay him for.”

“Suit yourself." Godwin only settled with, shrugging. Henry couldn't help but feel a little nervous but at least the man didn't push it any further. Somewhere there just was that fear that he couldn't get rid of, that somehow he had caught on. "I suppose the next time we'll see each other is at your wedding. Given that I'll be invited, of course. Already getting the jitters?”

“Oh, God. Don't remind me.” Hans groaned as he took a long gulp of his wine, just to polish off the entire tankard. That was an answer on its own. “I wouldn't call them jitters. I'm physically sick at the thought.”

“Now, now. That's just how it is. You're not the first groom to want to run away before the big day.”

“You wouldn't get it. It's not a marriage of love rather than my damned uncle using me as a pawn for his own gain.”

“No, I do understand why you're reluctant. I haven't met a man that wasn't.” Godwin shook his head, his speech already starting to slur. "But you'll find out soon enough that there is absolutely nothing to worry about. You'll grow into it.”

“And if I don't?”

“Well. Take it from me, there's always more to life than whose cunt you'll be staring for the rest of eternity. You just got to learn to enjoy the little things.”

Hans didn't look like he could agree much, though it still didn't stop him from pouring himself more wine, which seemed to be at least one of those things he would always enjoy. Henry didn't care to point out that Godwin didn't exactly have a good track record with keeping in the marital bed himself.

Godwin seemed to have gathered quite the stash for himself, given how religiously the wine and spirits were poured down their throats.

Or maybe this all was just a ruse for the man to rob him clean in dice, giving up after a few rounds when Godwin seemed to be completely unbeatable. Hans on the other hand was a lot more persistent than that, even if he was losing even more than he was, of course he had a whole lot more groshen to throw away.

For how many times he had tried to get Hans to come and get some fresh air, it was absolutely infuriating that it only took one suggestion from Godwin for him to feel like it was the best plan ever.

While nobody seemed to even be able to walk straight anymore, they still managed to give Hans the support he needed to get down the stairs, even if a few tumbles here and there couldn't be avoided. He was probably going to have more than a few new bruises in the morning, though none that he could even feel in the state he was in.

Henry found himself in an empty field soon enough, for Hans had been so set on watching the stars, while he was seeing enough of them every time he blinked. Though it wasn't anything a quick vomit in the bushes couldn't cure, his body looking to get horizontal either way.

It was like gravity was pulling him, stumbling towards the men so he could settle down with them, the two deep into a conversation that at least sounded very meaningful. At least as meaningful as it could get when he was hardly able to make out the words that they were saying. Or maybe that was just his own problem.

Maybe they were making fun of him and started to speak Latin all of a sudden. God, he was wasted.

“Aren't they just so… beautiful?" Hans exclaimed, making Henry hum in agreement, having to use every willpower he got not to make a comment on the man, instead. He truly was beautiful. It was too bad he couldn't kiss him now. Especially when he was just lying there. Looking so… kissable.

“I don't know, Hans. The world is spinning. Or maybe I am.” Henry mumbled, Godwin's solution to that just being handing over the bottle of schnapps, which he absolutely shouldn't have taken yet he was beyond drunk to really care about these things. He had sworn to drink Hans under the table and he was going to keep to that promise. “I'm really going to miss having you around, Father."

“No, no. None of that sad stuff now. We're out here, celebrating.” Godwin still gave him a good slap on the shoulder. "A couple wenches could really perk up the party, huh?”

“Did you forget that I'm getting married?” Hans let out a laugh, albeit Henry could tell that it was a little nervous. Or maybe he just hoped that it was.

“Nonesense. You're still a free man under the eyes of God. Live a little.” Godwin sat himself up, not looking too confident about getting onto his feet, though. “Henry, you're with me, aren't you?”

“I… I don't think I can get it working.” It was actually the truth anyway, though Godwin just didn't seem to take any of it.

“A young man like you. Nothing a pair of perky breasts can't fix.” Godwin gave him a drunken smile, reminding him once again why he always got in trouble with him.

“Can't argue with that.” Henry agreed, slowly getting himself up just to give Hans a hand so he could help him do the same, which did take a few tries.

“Henry." Hans frowned at him.

“What?"

“Nevermind. Let's find me a pretty one.”

They made their way into town, trying to sober up enough to actually keep themselves presentable, though in all honesty he didn't have too high hopes for that.

They still found themselves in the nearest tavern, not wanting to have a drop more to drink but as Hans seemed to take their competition seriously and ordered everyone a round, he absolutely couldn't refuse it.

It was all a blur. Henry remembered having an eye on a woman that joined their table, talking to her about his love for poetry, still failing to recite any when asked, his brain was not working the way it should have. She was entertained, nonetheless. Which was all that mattered.

He remembered fighting with Hans over that said woman, running after him when in his drunken vigour and rage he decided to learn how to walk again. He remembered a bloody nose.

When he finally came to, he was balls deep in the woman, fucking her up a tree while having no clue where he was. Or what he was doing, really.

Only Hans was there too, recognizing those moans anywhere, his eyes wandering around the darkness to catch a glimpse of his bare arse. Nice.

He kept watching the movements of it as he thrust into her, completely transfixed, only then realizing that Hans had noticed his gawking. Not that he seemed to mind at all, if anything just making a proper show of it.

Which made him barely able to pull out in time as he was coming, much to his surprise, stumbling a little to cover himself up again.

They were back at the tavern, though even in his state he could feel the mood shift as Hans’ eyes just darkened as he met them, somehow feeling like there was going to be yet another fight.

Just thankfully Godwin chose to be the intermediator, giving them a proper speech about love and God and everything in between. While Henry couldn't quite grasp on any of it, at least the night was able to continue without any further arguments.

Though, as usual, Henry was convinced it wouldn't stay like that for too long.

Chapter 8: Resolution

Henry stirred in his sleep, still feeling the aftermath of the night, though it was his thirst that forced him up from his bed. He didn't know how he had managed to get there in the first place. His memory was all too hazy, and in his experience it was usually better to stay away from those in the first place. He already knew he had nothing to be proud of. Damn Godwin.

His legs were feeling a little too shaky as he got up for a drink of water, swearing to himself he was never going to do this again. He had quite outdone himself this time, for he couldn't even recall a time he had felt this awful. He felt sick and still drunk at the same time, the sunlight coming from the window making his vision blur. Guess the day was going to be a wasted one. Though maybe it was nothing a little hair of the dog wouldn't solve. Maybe when the thought of it didn't want to send the contents of his stomach to the floor.

He took a look into the other bed where Hans was all sprawled out in, the bruise on his face pushing him to remember some sort of a brawl, like a distant echo of Hans’ voice screaming at him,

He checked the lock on the door before he tried testing the waters a little as he made his way to the other's bed, the fact that he had not slept in it in the first place spoke volumes. But it was still worth the shot, for there was the chance drunk him simply had some sense left in his brain. Either way, he really needed the comfort of that body against him, the room still spinning all too much for his liking.

Of course he couldn't enjoy that physical support for too long as he managed to wake up Hans in the process of getting himself comfortable, the man jerking away from him with enough force to almost fall out of the bed.

“The hell do you think you're doing?" Hans bit, visibly upset. Evidently he remembered a lot more than he did, which was never a nice place to be in. He couldn't exactly feel remorse for something he didn't remember doing. Though it was becoming clear that he definitely should.

“I don't know. Same as I always do?"

“Godwin’s here, you buffoon." Oh. Right. Somehow he had completely missed the man dozing off on the floor, some rolled up linen under his head that looked like anything but comfortable. They'd been through worse.

“Christ.” Henry cursed, at least feeling a bit better that this was the source of the problem, even if he didn't really feel that great getting out of the bed when there was nothing more that he wanted to do than sleep off this damn hangover with him. "Just what happened last night?” He just had to ask, despite not necessarily wanting to know the answer. Maybe he was a little too self-destructive. Maybe he just wanted to make sense of what was going on between them.

“Just what do you remember?”

“Not much. We were at the field… At the tavern. We fought. I don't know why. There were some… women? I think that was Godwin’s bright idea.”

“Getting there.” Hans huffed, not exactly being able to get a read of his face, though he had known him for long enough to know when something was wrong. “Look… I'm not going to go through this with you now.”

“Why not?”

“Just forget about it. It's fine.” Henry couldn't help his sigh when those words always told him the exact opposite. But perhaps this was just a case of this not being a conversation for anyone else's ears. Which admittedly made him more than a little nervous.

Godwin slowly but surely woke up as well, cursing as he complained about his head, though evidently already looking for something to wet his throat with. Water was a good choice but not one that the man was ever going to make, not helping his amusement as he watched him downing some wine that was leftover from the previous night. He would truly never change. And strangely, that was such a comforting thought.

“Morning, boys. Mm, you two sure know how to celebrate.” His laugh was a bit painful even, though it always had been obvious to him that the man had absolutely no concept of shame. “I'll definitely be heading out in high spirits.”

“I don't know how you do this, Father. I feel like I'm dying.”

“Now, that's just the evidence of a night well spent. With practice, you'll get used to it, anyway. If one day I wake up without any pain in my body, then I'll know I'm dead.” Godwin chuckled, fixing himself another drink which he knew was simply the man getting ready for his day.

They all at least ate together, which was something they all struggled with more than a little, though it was something that made Henry feel a little better in the end. Or maybe that was just the beer that accompanied their meal. The first sip maybe made him more nauseous than ever but he pushed through when it was the only thing that was going to make him able to get through the day.

Saying goodbye was so bittersweet, even if he once again reassured himself that they would be seeing each other again. Still, one could never know when that time would be their last. Which admittedly made him feel a bit bad, how he had ignored just about everyone in favour of taking care of Hans. They were the only ones left. Just maybe it was about time they would do something about that, too. Especially now when Hans finally did realize that he had the ability to use his own damn two legs.

Maybe just another day or two. They could scope around, find themselves a proper place to stay. Somewhere where they could truly put all of this behind them. While it maybe wouldn't be forever, he absolutely wanted to make the most of what they got. For soon the day would come when he just couldn't have this anymore. That was just a thought that he tried to ignore.

They sent Godwin off his way with big hugs and a promise of another rendezvous. Despite promising every single time he wouldn't, Henry knew that somehow he always would let the man drag him into troublesome roads.

Hans and he finally made it back to their room, which absolutely made him feel nervous again when he had a good feeling the other still had a bone to pick with him.

And just how right he ended up being.

“I want to talk about yesterday.” Hans didn't waste any time once the door was closed. “You were a real arse, you know that?"

“Well, no. I wouldn't know.” Henry frowned, sitting down on the bed while Hans just reminded stood up, crossing his arms. “I told you, it's all a bit too hazy for me."

“So do you regularly fuck around then, with no memory of it?”

“What? Oh… So that did happen, then. I wasn't too sure if I had dreamt that or not.” It was all coming to him now, though he couldn't exactly understand why Hans would be mad. "So that's what you're upset over? You were there too!”

“Only because I was so fucking mad at you!” Hans shook his head, struggling to keep his voice down, though evidently knowing better than to air out all of their dirty laundry. "I told you not to do it. You told me to fuck off. So I… I don't know. Wanted to give a taste of your own medicine. But apparently you just don't give a damn where I shove my cock.”

“Hans, for God’s sake, I had no idea what I was doing. I just thought we were having fun, that's all.”

“Well, you most certainly were. Do you even really give a fuck about me?”

“What? Because of some bloody drunken escapade? I don't understand what you're on about. It doesn't matter what I say anyway when you're already convinced of your own version of the story.”

“All I'm saying I could use a little respect. Not go for every single woman who gives you the slightest bit of attention. It's pathetic.”

“So what, are you mad that you're not getting any?”

“I'm mad because I don't want any. Just like I don't want to get fucking married. Because it's you that I want. But thank you again for proving to me what I've known all along. You just don't see me that way, do you?”

“Hans.” Henry rubbed at his face, being way too hungover for this but it wasn't like the other ever gave him a single chance. Or a choice. “Could you just please not get it twisted for once?”

“Then why the hell would you do it?”

“So we're just completely going to ignore the fact that you were there, doing just the same damned thing I was?”

“That's… that's besides the point, Henry. I told you why I did it. You're still dodging the question.”

“No, I'm not. I just find it idiotic enough to deserve an answer.” Henry got himself up from the bed, trying to touch the other just for Hans to immediately back down instead. “Hans." He just tried again, even if he maybe should have left it at that. "You know how much I care about you. So don't play this game with me now.”

“Oh, do I?” Hans scoffed, despite looking like he was ready to cry, just having too much pride to do so. “I'm just done, Henry. I'm done with your bullshit. I thought you chose me. But clearly you're still not decided on that.”

Hans made the attempt to leave but Henry thankfully got to him first, grabbing his wrists to press him against the door he seemed so keen on walking out of. He was sick and tired too, of Hans running away like this. He just refused to see anything through, leaving the very moment things got too difficult for him. Just not this time.

“Now you listen to me for once.” Henry pressed, the man not exactly looking at him still but at least he wasn't squirming out of his grip as much as he was just accepting his fate. “You mean more to me than you'll ever know. One drunken mistake doesn't change that at all. Especially when it wasn't like we had talked about it. About… us. It's quite difficult to be committed anyway when I know this will all be over too soon.”

“It doesn't have to be over." Hans whispered, finally deciding to look at him. While he maybe was never going to admit his faults, the way his body relaxed in his grip still told him the fact that he was backing down.

“And just how we're going to manage that, huh? Run away?"

“Oh, I wish. But I can't."

“We don't have too many options. I'm sure you are aware of that.”

“We will think of something. We will make it work. Just… don't tell me that. I can't handle the thought.”

“So, what, I should just lie to you instead?" Henry looked at the other pointedly. “I want to make this work just as much as you do but let's just sit back and be realistic for once. There's no future for us. Not a one either one of us is going to be happy with."

“I know. I know that. But it's still something." Hans insisted.

“But I want more than that." Henry sighed, letting the grip loosen and let the man's hands drop, just so he could take them into his own. “And I'm not going to get that with you. So you're going to work on that jealousy because I think I'm doing a hell of a job with mine."

“I just… Promise to me we'll have this summer. Just the two of us. To at least make the most of what we got. We will talk when the time comes.”

“I promise.” Henry nodded, supposing this ultimately was what he wanted as well, even if he knew it was going to be anything but easy. It was hard to ignore the voice in the back of his mind, telling him he was just preparing to get his heart broken. But maybe it was going to be worth it.

Chapter 9: Desire

Getting out of Suchdol was probably the best decision they had made in a good while, for the way place constantly pushed memories he would have rather forgotten. Some good as well, perhaps. But it wasn't those that were constantly weighing down their minds, keeping that friction building between him and Hans when neither just knew how to deal with any of this. Then again, he supposed nobody really knew.

Having been stuck in that damned room for so long, it felt so amazing to finally be back on the saddle, with nothing but the thought of new beginnings in his mind. He felt a little less like a prisoner, with Pebbles under him and the sun on his skin, Hans riding just beside him. For once, he truly did feel like things were looking up. In so many different ways.

Henry could tell Hans was feeling just as good as he was, racing him on every other stretch of a road. While he maybe was always a sore loser, it was a kind of upset that didn't linger for too long. He just let Hans have his way of believing that it was sheer dumb luck. He wasn't here to let things blow up out of proportion as they had all too many times now. They didn't need to be butting heads when there was some sense of safety here, being so far away from everyone and everything.

It was just the kind of thing he had fantasized about, just the two of them and the blooming fields, the fresh air in his lungs like for the first time in a long time he could finally breathe again.

They chose to camp out the first few nights while they were scoping for a proper place to stay, Hans obviously not settling with just anything, even if he tried reminding him that their options were rather scarce. It wasn't like he minded this, either, if anything it was just reminiscent of their first hunting trip together. As badly as that had ended too. Maybe this time Henry could have some hope that their luck would finally turn for the better. That there wasn't anyone out to get them. As much as he knew better than to fully let his guard down, it simply felt so good, this simple existence.

Just spending ages talking over the campfire as Mutt munched on their leftover foods, until the fire had burned down to ambers. They enjoyed the last heat of it in the cooling nights before settling down for the night, finally getting that freedom to get as close as they wanted. He could hold the man in his arms for the whole night if he just so pleased, the only worry being a group of bandits getting to them. They wouldn't live long enough to tell the story anyway.

There was that ever growing feeling in his gut that he could never fully shake off, every time their lips met in the dark, leaving him with such yearning that it was actually causing him pain to think about the future. For how different that could have looked for them. It was absolutely no use crying about or when there just wasn't anything to be done, yet that still didn't make it any easier to deal with. Life just had a way of being so unkind to him. Taking everything and everyone he cared about away from him. This was not much different from that.

Every touch of wandering hands made him question his sanity, the way they clung to each other in every moment of pleasure, making him want to slow down time when there just couldn't be an end to this. He didn't want there to be.

Henry spent just about every night getting restless with each persistent thought that he couldn't himself out of. Just to wake up every morning in that bliss of being able to forget and pretend. It never lasted for too long but that didn't make it any less special to him. It was moments like this that he lived for, that tiniest bit of peace that was hard to come by these days.

They finally decided to head out again as Hans had an eye on a place that he deemed just perfect, which Henry didn't have any arguments about when the only thing he really needed was somewhere to rest his head. Hans of course was a lot more pickier than that.

They arranged a meeting with the landlord, who absolutely didn't have a problem with them for the amount of coin they had to offer, Hanush having been more than generous. If anything, the lord was just happy that someone had more to offer than labour in exchange for the house. It had been sitting there empty for quite some time after the previous tenants had passed on.

Henry couldn't exactly hide his excitement as they got back on their horses, though he knew he had to just contain himself for now. It was a long ride which Henry wouldn't have minded in any other case, except for this time when he knew he had so much to look forward to, that complete sense of freedom to do as they pleased. It was going to be a memory that was going to last a lifetime, even if everything else would not.

The house was a whole lot nicer than Henry even remembered it to be, perhaps not much compared to what Hans was used to but then again, a lot had changed ever since their first mission to Trosky. One could appreciate a lot less after all that they had been through.

While in the past he knew Hans would have been appalled by the state of it, right now there wasn't a single complaint to be heard. There was a small pond close by, knowing Hans was going to make good use of it. Perhaps even him, should he be daring enough. The summer heat was still strong during the day, so maybe it wasn't a bad thing to have something to cool themselves off with. At least it didn't look too deep.

They made their way inside after having walked through the garden, knowing they had quite a bit of exploring to do later when neither were too familiar with the area. But even that was something to look forward to.

They both shared a look as the door closed behind them, the air between them shifting almost in an instant as the quiet welcomed them. They were alone. Truly alone.

Of course, it was Hans again that made the first move but it was him that closed the distance this time, catching those lips as he pressed the other against the door. He couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth, feeling that purest form of joy as he felt the man's body against him, grabbing at his waist, everywhere he could get his hands on the sloppier the kiss got.

He finally moved his hands to the man's face as he pulled back, breathless. Though not enough to stop him going in for another, just keeping it brief this time.

“Can't believe we're actually here.” Henry murmured, pulling the man into an embrace instead, getting every second out of this closeness when he just couldn't get enough of it.

“Yeah." Hans agreed, his voice still quiet out of habit, which was probably something to get used to again. His mind still was struggling to grasp this as well. “Beats Devil's Den. Well, everyone is there. But also, everyone is there."

“It would be Suchdol all over again.” Henry shook his head, Zizka maybe having some potential work for him but none that he was interested in taking up now. Or anything else for that matter. “We'll catch up with them soon enough. For now, I do have a promise to fulfill.”

“Probably should head out to find a grocer at some point. Don't think we have all that much food left.” Hans pointed, definitely feeling a little peckish himself but it wasn't anything he couldn't postpone when they hardly had even gotten through the door yet. "Maybe some… oil, too."

“I see you've already planned ahead, huh?” Henry couldn't help his laugh, as excited as the thought made him. It was just going to be so much different without the constant threat of someone barging in through the door. “So… you want to try it?”

“We're already doomed as we are, Henry. What's another step to add to that?” Hans snorted.

“A life without God? It does sound absolutely terrifying. I can't deny that. But… Godwin is a good example of the things you can get away with if you just stop giving a fuck.”

“Yeah, I could say so.” Hans laughed. “But he's also not exactly a person you should look up to.”

“I kinda do. In some ways. He's a walking disaster for sure but I think he has the kind of energy I could use right now. Somehow he still has a relationship with God, you know. He hasn't lost that in the process.”

“Yeah, but he's also not doing the things we are doing.”

“Well, that is also true.” Henry sighed. "But don't take this great thought process away from me. It took me a long time to get there.”

“I'm sorry. I didn't think you were that serious about it. You just… Sorry for my amusement as well but you just try to find every loophole you can just to fuck me. You can't deny it's a little ridiculous.”

“So maybe it is. But it's just what I got to do.” Henry frowned, as much as he still could see Hans’ point. “I'm just trying to find a way to make peace with this. It's all too confusing for me still.”

“As it is for me as well. Maybe not so much anymore but I do understand what you're going through. Don't ever think that I don't. Because that means that you can talk to me about these things.”

That was perhaps where the trouble lied the most, finding it such a struggle to bring these things up in the first place, for how deeply humiliating they were. For how much he wasn't even that certain of his own thoughts anymore. It was absolutely terrifying. He thought and thought and thought until his brain felt fried yet he still couldn't come up with a single conclusion. To make this make sense. It just absolutely would not.

“I know that. It's just not exactly easy to even put to words what I'm feeling. Especially when most of the time I don't even understand what I'm feeling in the first place." Henry snorted a laugh.

“But you do know. You just don't want to say it." Hans pressed, immediately making him feel nervous again. It was just the thing to make him feel that lump in his throat again. The worst part was that he was probably right. "You can tell how much you care about me all you want but that's not what I'm hearing.”

“Oh? Then why aren't you saying it?"

“Because I'm afraid that when I do, that's when this becomes real." Hans didn't even look away, which was the most incredible part, the one that caused him the most confusion. How he was able to just be this honest. “There's no going back from that. And I don't know if I'm able to handle that.”

“This doesn't feel real enough for you yet?”

“You tell me.”

“I care about you.” Henry smiled, earning a shove from Hans, which admittedly was more than well deserved. "We don't need to complicate things.”

“Let's just settle with that, then.”

Chapter 10: Lust

Summary:

!!!! This chapter is a lot more explicit for those who do not wish to read such things. And for those who do, well. You may proceed.

Thank you for all the kudos and those just lurking there, reading <3

It took them both a couple of days to settle in properly, Hans against all odds agreeing to go for the trip to buy food. Maybe it was mostly because they finally ran out of the little rations they had left.

Maybe it was because he would have rather died than stay behind to clean up the place instead.

That was a task for Henry to handle instead, which suited him just fine, even if he maybe would have preferred to be out and about as well. He just had learned that some battles just weren't worth the fight.

It wasn't too bad anyway, having the house to himself for the day, even if it necessarily wasn't always fun to be alone with his thoughts. Sometimes they did get a little too overwhelming. To say the least.

There were days filled with nothing but terror, waking up to his own screams during the night, just for the horrors still following him through the day. Always in the back of his mind, waiting for the moment when he felt the lowest to darken his mind even further.

Maybe he was actually losing his mind and this was just a forewarning of that. It was a thought that he unfortunately obsessed with sometimes, especially on the days when it was the worst.

It was like every little thing was able to set him off, send him to a place where he thought he had finally escaped.

Being on his own usually didn't help with that, which admittedly made him a little nervous. But thankfully enough he had enough things to do to keep his mind preoccupied.

The sun was already setting when he finished up with everything, the house a whole lot more presentable than it had been without the layer of dust on everything.

He felt absolutely exhausted, though he did suppose all this work was worth it when it would mean that Hans would feel a lot more comfortable.

The complaining was inevitable, maybe, but at least there were things to be done to minimize that. He had to give the man some credit, anyway, putting up with so many things that he would have made him shudder not even that long ago.

They both had grown a lot, that much was for sure. But it wasn't all by choice.

Hans still wasn't back from his trip, which he chose against thinking too deep into when he knew he was just going to drive himself mad.

While it was the unfortunate truth that anything could happen, he really had to try to stop expecting the worst out of everything. Even if at the same time, that thinking had saved his skin as well as Hans’ plenty of times.

Just thankfully enough his worries didn't even get a chance to go that much further as he heard the noise outside, making Henry let out a breath of relief, even if he did go outside to confirm that it was indeed Hans and not an unwelcome guest.

The smile was on his lips as he watched the man hop off his horse, bags full of goods.

“I was beginning to wonder where you are."

“Well, I ran into some trouble on the way. None that I couldn't handle, obviously.”

“What kind of trouble?”

“Just a couple of losers who chose the wrong person to steal grochen from.”

While Henry wasn't too thrilled to hear this, the most important thing was that Hans was here in one piece.

And as a nice bonus, they finally had some proper food to eat. He couldn't deny that he was getting quite hungry, especially after all the work he had done. He grabbed one of the bags from the other, helping to get everything inside.

“The place looks nice. Just a few days and you already make a nice housewife.”

“Shut up.” Henry gave the other a little kick, just not strong enough to actually get him off his feet. “You're welcome, anyway. Though maybe you still had the hardest work, taking down bandits and all.”

“It was nothing, really. Hardly even broke a sweat.”

“Mm, ever so humble.” Henry snorted.

“Why should I think any less of myself when I know that I'm good?"

“Oh, yeah? Think you could still take me?"

“Easily." Hans scoffed, like he was offended by the question. "But for now, I just need something to eat.”

“Yeah, that's what I thought."

“Watch your mouth.” Hans took a loaf of bread from the bag, tearing out a piece to eat. “You really don't want to mess with me today. I'm on fire.”

“Do I hear a challenge?”

“Do I hear a death wish?"

Henry hadn't been all that serious as much as he had just wanted to push the man a little, though Hans on the other hand did seem all too eager to take up on the challenge.

Of course, this was something he could never say no to.

The food was quickly forgotten as they made their way to the garden, swords ready, his mind always following quickly the moment he felt that cool steel in his grip. It was like an extension to himself, the weight feeling less and less the more he focused on just doing what he needed to do.

While their sparring was always playful enough, Henry still meant business with every strike. For the sake of never wasting an opportunity to see that look of defeat on Hans’ face.

And he never made it too easy on him either, seeing that he truly had meant his words when he almost missed his first block. He took a step back, recollecting himself for a second before he could strike back. Failing miserably.

Henry blamed it all on all the housework, or the damned way he was getting distracted by Hans himself. He never was more attractive to him than when he was like this, brow furrowed in concentration and ready to pounce.

Hans on the other hand didn't seem to have any trouble, making him worry that this round just might have ended badly for him after all.

He tried to get it all out of his mind, reminding himself that Hans was never going to let him forget it if he lost now. It was the driving force behind every bit of sparring they did, the eternal glory of bragging rights.

He went in for a heavy strike, which turned out to be a big mistake with the way Hans blocked it perfectly enough to push him backwards, leaving him tripping on his feet.

He barely got the moment to register what was going on when his back had already hit the ground, a sharp blade pointed at his throat.

“Any last words?" Hans smiled at him, visibly thrilled about this turn of events.

“Kiss my arse." Henry replied, almost like a reflex.

“If that's what you're into."

“Help me up, will you?” Henry chose to ignore the man's words as he held up his hand, letting Hans pull him back onto his feet. "Alright. Forgive me, my lord. You were absolutely right.”

“No need to be such a sore loser. It's all in good fun, right?” Hans gave him a pat on the shoulder, which felt somewhat patronising.

“Let's just get something to eat. Hope you brought wine."

“Of course I did. Beer as well. What else do you think we're going to be doing here?” Hans let out a laugh.

“Mm, I suppose you're right. Although I kind of made a promise to myself not to touch that stuff again after our last night with Godwin."

“Nonsense. It’s your own fault that you're such a lightweight.”

Unfortunately, his brain refused to take these things as nothing more than yet another challenge.

While neither of them were much cooks, they still managed to make something edible out of the ingredients Hans had brought. It was warm and there was meat, which to him was more than enough, even though it didn't look all that appetising.

He was hungry enough to eat anything anyway. Which seemed to be the case for Hans as well as he wolfed his food down, all manners forgotten.

Guess they had grown a little too comfortable with each other. Not that it was necessarily a bad thing. It just made him feel a little bit strange.

A good meal was finished with a good drink or two, feeling like he could finally allow his body to relax, along with his mind. It was so quiet for once, all the background noise gone as he just tuned into the silence instead.

A few more beers and even more rounds of dice later, Henry was starting to feel almost a little too good. Maybe it was the winning strike he was on, finding it quite the shame they had decided against betting with any grochen.

Maybe it was for the way he finally felt like he could pause everything and simply savour the moment.

They were just making up a drinking game as they went along, making each other perform the most ridiculous acts. Most of which they were far too drunk to do but that didn't matter much when the point was to get the other to drink more in the first place.

It wasn't quite what they had planned but somehow things had a way of escalating whenever alcohol was involved.

“Alright, Henry.” Hans looked deep in his thoughts as he had finally beaten him, after having performed more than a few hilarious dances for him. “You got to strip for me. Just make it… you know. Sexy.”

“What? Getting me naked isn't sexy enough for you?” Henry laughed, albeit getting himself up anyway when he didn't actually mind the path that they were heading.

“Oh, but my dear Henry, that's not the point. Now strip." Hans ordered.

“How is stripping not… Whatever." Henry was way too out of it to give this too much thought as he just did the task that was given to him, not exactly knowing what was asked of him but he did his best nonetheless.

Hell if he knew what Hans would consider sexy, beyond having his hand on his cock.

He slowly got out of his tunic, trying not to get stuck in the process when that probably wouldn't help him at all. Getting out of his boots and hose turned out to be more than a little difficult but Hans seemed to be appreciating everything anyway, judging by the way that he was looking at him.

He couldn't deny that it felt a little awkward to stand there in the nude, dropping down his braies, feeling the man's eyes all over him. Not that he ever minded his staring but it never had been quite like this.

It felt so intense, knowing exactly what he was looking at and being able to do nothing but to stand there, exposing himself.

“Now what? Another round in the nude, perhaps?” Henry tried to break the tension a little, just for Hans to get himself up instead.

“Mm, game's over.” Hans walked up to him to pull him in for a kiss, gently holding his chin with his fingers, maybe to make sure he didn't break eye contact when he pulled back.

It wasn't like he could if he tried, anyway, admiring the glint in those eyes that told him he was up to no good.

“I have something a little more fun in mind.”

“Oh, I can't imagine what that could be." Henry smiled, even if in reality he had a pretty good idea what was in store. As nervous as he felt, he also hadn't encountered this level of excitement in a long while. If ever.

Hans replied by simply taking his hand to guide him over to the bed, pulling him into a kiss. His body responded almost immediately, in expectancy of what was to come. The problem was that Hans was still wearing way too many clothes to his liking.

He didn't even break the kiss as he started undressing him, having done this just about a million times, helping him out of his armour. There always was that satisfied groan as all the excess weight was dropped off that always had done things for him. Only now he wasn't scared to admit it to himself.

It was different now, when he could just give in and take what he wanted, smoothing his hands all over that naked back. Grabbing his ass once he finally got that exposed as well. He could remember it all too well, the temptation. The denial.

Maybe that was never going to transform into acceptance but he was still going to make the most of finally getting just what he needed.

It was a rare thing to enjoy each other fully nude like this, pushing the man on the bed so he could settle on top of him, pressing his lips to his throat.

He never quite indulged himself as much as this, slowly kissing his way along the man's body. The alcohol in his system definitely helped that as well, not feeling much shame about what he was doing and rather going for whatever his mind urged him to do.

Like taking the man's cock into his mouth, not really knowing what he was doing but he could get the idea from the few times he had gotten this done to himself. It just wasn't quite as easy as it had seemed to be.

Not that Hans seemed to mind that as he instantly let out a curse as he started moving his head, enjoying every single little sound he saw making.

While he would have felt the need to shush him in the past, now he could fully enjoy this as well, knowing there was absolutely nobody to hear this.

“You, uh…" Henry moved back up so he could properly face him. “You sure about this?”

“Fuck no.” Hans let out a quiet laugh, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. “But I'm as ready as I’ll ever be."

Henry couldn't say he had even been this nervous during his first time, this being so much more than that. Though he also couldn't say he had been quite this excited, either.

Henry pushed Hans’ legs apart, the other almost reflexively pulling his knees up, exposing himself. The sight made him feel both impossibly aroused and scared at the same time. Deep down he knew he shouldn't have been feeling the way he did.

Henry pressed a finger gently against the hole, just to test the waters a little.

Hans just didn't seem to be so happy about taking things too slow with the way he was rushing him, perhaps in order not to give him any time to change his mind.

Admittedly, that was a possibility. Because there was that part of him that reminded him of the hundreds of reasons why he shouldn't have been going through with this.

There just was no turning back by the time he rubbed the oil on himself, having been possessed by the thought for so long, it felt almost too good to finally make his dreams come true.

Only the reality turned out to be even better than any single fantasy he could have about this, slowly but determinedly working himself inside, pacing himself as much as he could when he noted the look of discomfort on Hans’ face.

It was almost enough to make him pull back, only then he could finally feel the other relaxing around him, staying still just to savour the moment of it.

“Are you okay?” He still asked, before making a single move.

“Yeah. Just… Yeah. Keep going."

Hans maybe sounded a bit undecided but he still did as he was told, just keeping it slow as he started to thrust into him, adding a bit more of the oil as he did. He could slowly feel that resistance becoming less and less, sliding smoothly in and out of him. He couldn't quite believe how good this felt, meeting Hans eyes that were staring back at him, evidently starting to relax.

Henry leaned in for a kiss, slowly moving his hips, already getting the feeling he couldn't enjoy this bliss for too long. It was simply too much of a rush, the thought of just finishing like this bringing him closer and closer to the edge whether he liked it or not.

“You feel so fucking good." Henry murmured against the other's lips, pressing another kiss against them.

“Yeah?” Hans caught his lips again even more eagerly, feeling his fingers digging into his back which definitely wasn't helping him in any way to keep it together. "You too.” Came the quiet admission, like he was embarrassed to do so. “It’s just so… deep.”

Henry was more than glad to show the other just how much deeper he could get as he bottomed out, forcing out a whine from the man.

He wrapped a hand around Hans’ cock to stroke along his length as he fucked into him, daring to go a little faster when he could feel him filling up under his fingers again. Guess he really was enjoying this, then.

Their bodies just slid so perfectly together, Hans pushing his hips down with each deep thrust, like chasing after the feeling. It gave him all the confidence to go a little harder, knowing now that the other could handle it.

Henry was so lost in the moment, still trying to keep the pace of his hand steady despite the tremble of his body, feeling himself getting so close it was starting to get impossible to resist the urge.

“Can I?” Henry managed, Hans giving him the most meaningful look as he clearly caught on what was up, just giving him a nod in reply.

The sheer torture was over as he could let himself fully go, letting out a deep groan as he filled him up, making Hans curse in response. He kept on slowly moving to stretch out that feeling of it.

His mind went completely blank as he collapsed against the other, needing a good moment to catch his breath before he could even think about fully taking care of the other.

It was a point of no return, that much was for sure. But in the moment Henry didn't even feel like he even wanted to return, being met with the utter bliss of his cock throbbing inside the other.

Henry let himself rest for just a moment before he slowly pulled out of the other, leaving a trail of his own mess behind, the sight of which he found to be the most obscene. Just God forbid if he didn't love it.

He pushed his fingers inside the other as he picked up the pace of his hand, just enjoying the feeling of him being so well used.

It didn't take much for Hans to follow suit and drip down his fingers, something he could watch for hours on end as the other squirmed in his pleasure as he could never resist the urge to still keep going for a little while.

“That was… “

“Yeah. “

Henry finally flopped down on the bed with the other, letting out a heavy sigh for the way the room was spinning, not too sure if he had just the alcohol to blame for that. He was still seeing stars.

They both just lied still, catching their breaths which turned out to be a much harder task than it should be.

He felt so out of it anyone could have burst in and killed him on the spot without him being able to do a single thing about it. It never was a good thing, leaving himself this vulnerable, naked both in literal and in the figurative sense.

But he just couldn't care about that now, when he hadn't felt safety like this since Skalitz. He hadn't felt happiness like this. Like somehow life wasn't just about trying to make it through to another day.

There was something more to it. So much more.

And if there was something crystal clear in his mind, it was the fact that he would die for this in a heartbeat.

Chapter 11: The Letter

The summer felt like it was passing way too quickly, maybe for the fact of what a hell of a time they were having. The days were still hot enough for them to mess around at the pond, dry off in the sun while they enjoyed the last few moments of letting go of all responsibility. Even if for just a while, his mind felt lighter. Everything did.

Only the nights were starting to grow all too cold, making Henry so aware of how quickly things were changing. He didn’t feel ready for it at all.

It wasn't the shift of the season that Henry was worried about, rather what it was going to bring with it. 

Everything that he had worried about happening was doing just that, his feelings for the man growing stronger with each passing day. 

He didn't think he had ever felt like this before, his very being yearning for the other even when he was at arm's reach. When he was deep inside him, he still found himself craving for more. Like he just couldn't get close enough. It hurt to even think about it. 

Henry didn't really know what was happening in the first place but it was happening fast, his mind not quite picking up on the pace of his heart. Like he didn't have a single bit of sense left in his brain, fantasizing about a future just like this. That they could just keep going until the end of time. Even if he knew this to be impossible. He had known all along what he had gotten himself into and this was simply him paying the high price for it.

In the end, the water was starting to get too cold for them to get into, despite them trying to deny it. 

The days were getting shorter, and with that, so was their time together.

The dreaded day still came a lot sooner than either one of them were expecting. The loud stomping of hooves woke them both up from the bed where they were lying so comfortably, all tangled up with each other. They shared a long look and he knew that they both were thinking the same thing. The peace was finally over. It was all over.

Reality hit them in an instant as they bolted out of the bed, throwing on some clothes quickly enough to at least pretend to be put together and not doing just what they had been doing as the knock came from the door. A messenger from Rattay, the man announced.

They both knew what was to come yet that still didn’t make it any easier to deal with. Hans took the letter that was handed to him, Henry seeing the sadness in his eyes despite how well he was trying to mask it. The despair. 

He could feel it, too.

The door shut closed as they bid the man farewell, leaving Hans with the most empty look on his face as the letter fell to the floor, forgotten.

Then he saw the tears, perhaps surprising them both when he had not seen the other quite like this. For a moment he was so taken aback that he didn’t quite know what to do. Though his body always knew how to act when his mind did not, taking the man’s hand to tug him forward, pulling him into a tight embrace.

“I don’t even want to read it.” Hans sobbed, his voice so pathetic it was hard to shake off his own emotions about this.

“Whatever it is, we don’t need to do anything today, okay?” Henry tried to calm the other down, despite the turmoil going through his own head. He could just look back and regret that he had not made the absolute most out of their days here. Just how did time go on so fast? Surely he hadn’t treasured it quite enough. Of course he hadn’t. “It was going to happen, sooner or later.”

“Yeah. I was just hoping it was going to be later.”

“Just… there’s nothing we can do. We knew that. There’s no running away from this.”

“We could try.” Hans sobbed, perhaps in the awareness of how unrealistic his own words were. Technically, it was true. But he also knew that deep down Hans wasn’t going to be throwing his entire future away for something like this. No matter how he felt. Hanush was going to hunt him down one way or another, anyway.

“But we won’t.” Henry drew the other in for a quick kiss, tasting the tears on the man’s lips. “It’s a waste. You know that.”

He felt that sinking feeling in his stomach as he finally pulled away to grab the letter off the floor, expecting the absolute worst yet still ending up getting disappointed. Hanush was urging them to get back to Rattay as soon as possible, as arrangements were already made. 

Those arrangements that worked for nobody’s favour but Hanush’ own. It was so unfair.

Hans took the letter from him to take a look himself, which he could see he immediately regretted. For how bad he was feeling, he could only imagine how it must have been for the other. There it was, his life all spelled out for him without there being anything he could do about it.

It was unsurprising how Hans practically hid away from him for the majority of the day, hardly getting a word out of him. He just sat alone in the garden, just to get up and pace around, an endless cycle Henry didn’t seem to have the power to stop. Having tried many times and only getting the man’s anger in return, at least he knew when it was better to just back down and let him handle it his own way.

Like with everything else, the answer usually was found in the bottom of a bottle. It maybe didn’t have the ability to take this all away but it sure helped to forget, to push down all that darkness lurking underneath.

They both were helping themselves to it, when at least that kept the peace between them. Even if they both knew fully well how that all was going to shatter.

Only this time they fucked instead of fighting, which they both could maybe enjoy but it just wasn’t the same anymore when it was simply used as another tool to take all those bad feelings away. It was desperate, rough, neither were even able to look at each other by the end of it. It didn’t use to be like this, feeling so disgusted by himself.

With that came all the dark thoughts he had been trying to move away from, wondering if there was a reason why he felt like he did about it. Maybe it was just easy to work towards that instead of admitting just how deep those feelings were for Hans. That was just a territory he didn’t care to explore now. Especially when it was all too late, anyway.

It didn’t matter. None of this mattered. 

But at the very least, he had lived up to his promise.

They were at war with both themselves and each other, trying to stay away from each other to build up that distance they needed, yet failing miserably. Even when Henry was aware they were only doing more harm than good, when the moment got tense he didn’t think he even had a choice in the matter.

It was something far more powerful than him, the way he just needed Hans.

Maybe the distance they created was a little different in nature, the way they were all over each other but not really talking. Much of anything, for that matter. But especially about the things that Henry knew they had to. It wasn’t just the water that was turning cold.

Definitely not on the day they finally did decide to pack up, knowing they had been avoiding it for far too long. Something shifted between them, that much was for sure, both so clearly having way too much on their minds yet they only monotonously went through their belongings, making sure nothing was left behind. 

It was simply a lot easier, keeping things so mundane instead of focusing on the mess they had left behind. Or the one that was going to be following them for good.

Henry didn’t know how he was supposed to deal with this. But he was just going to have to.

Chapter 12: Disintegration

Saying goodbye was never an easy thing, even if it was just to a house that was now filled with all too good memories. Even if that felt almost tainted now for how hard of a time they had been having, maybe there was going to be a time where he could look back at this and smile. For now, he felt nothing but pain as they got on their horses, taking a last good look at the place as he tried to forget just where they were heading.

They both fell quiet as they hit the road, usually this part being his absolute favourite, though it sure was quite a change of pace than it had been when they were first arriving here.

The laughter and the joy was long gone now, not even knowing just what was going through Hans’ head anymore when he just refused to let him in. As well as he could imagine just how terrified he was, there was that sick feeling in his stomach that this just shouldn’t have ended this way.

At least they still had a long ride ahead of them, which perhaps could offer them another chance to try to work things out between them. Maybe that was simply wishful thinking. A part of him wished that they had never gone through with this in the first place. Just how much easier things could have been. For starters, he could still look at Hans without feeling that immediate feeling of dread.

They found themselves the first inn of the trip as it was getting dark, knowing they’d be going through quite a lot of them. It used to be a fun thing, too, sharing meals and drinks together as they chatted with the locals. 

Only now it was simply lights out and both tossing and turning in their own beds, trying to will the sleep to come and regretting ever wishing that when it did.

The nightmares were back, stronger than ever, tormenting him every night and barely letting him get any proper rest. It sure didn't help with the way he was already feeling so on edge, his exhaustion starting to weigh down on him after a few days. But like always, there wasn't anything for him to do but to push through it. 

Hans wasn't holding up any better than him, that much he knew, having shared enough screams in the dark to know that he wasn't alone. If only he didn't feel like it. 

“Hans.” Henry finally had to budge as they were trotting through a large strip of a forest, feeling anything but confident but he knew something had to be done before he was going to lose his damned mind. "Let's just stop here for a while. I need a break.”

“But we barely just left.” Hans frowned, albeit surprisingly not putting up any further complaints as he brought his horse to a halt. Guess he was in need of one, too. He just didn't care to say it. 

Henry gulped down some water as he got off, feeling so good to be able to stretch out his legs a little, even if this hardly was the main purpose here. He handed over the waterskin to Hans, letting him finish what was left over. 

“We really need to talk." Henry started, earning a sigh from Hans, like he had fallen to a trap. Maybe it was one. 

“No, we actually don't. That's the point. There's nothing left to talk about." 

“Oh? How about we start with us riding to your fucking wedding?” Henry hardly wanted to lose his temper but unfortunately it wasn't always an easy thing. Especially when he was so tired. Of all of this. “You really don't have any feelings about that?”

“You're the one that told me there is nothing to be done. Just as there isn't. I'm doing my fair share of accepting that." 

“Right. Because you're doing such a great job at that." Henry shook his head. 

“Just what do you want from me?" 

“I want you to stop pretending like I'm not here. I… I don't want us to be like this.” He gestured between them, pointing out the coldness that almost felt touchable at this point. “At least try to be my friend again. " 

“Are you kidding me? You really think it's as easy as that?” Henry didn't dare to point out that it wasn't what he had implied at all. He didn't want all of this to blow up now when he was trying to do the exact opposite. “I can't. I can't be your friend right now. And maybe I can never be again.”

“Promise me you'll always be by my side. No matter what.” 

“How could I ever leave?” I love you. 

The memory of those soft touches and long nights made his chest ache the more attention he gave it, being met with this brick wall that almost made him question if any of this had been real to begin with. Maybe that would have been easier to handle rather than the reality which he knew to be the truth. It had been a little too real. 

Hans was just in the process of trying to undo all that. Henry didn't really know how to feel about it. 

“Just what do you mean? Whatever happened to us against the world?" 

“The fucking world happened, Henry. The real world. Not this fantasy land we created for ourselves.” Hans bit, of course knowing that he was right but it didn't make it hurt any less. Because there just had to be another way. "I can't even look at you for how much it hurts. Just how do you expect me to pretend that everything is okay?”

“We used to have so much fun together.”

“Well, the fun is over.”

“So there's really nothing I can do?" Henry frowned, meeting the man's eyes for a moment and almost regretting that he did. All the warmth was gone, the only thing left behind was that blank stare. It was an answer on its own. 

“Maybe we should just run away. Hole up somewhere nobody knows us and live as peasants." 

“Your pampered arse wouldn't survive a single day." 

“Henry, I would rather be knee deep in shit than go through with this marriage.”

“Save that for your vows.”

“Fuck you.” I love you. 

“No, there isn't.” Hans shook his head, taking a seat on a rock which made Henry follow suit. 

This was just the moment he had dreamed about, the stream flowing and the birds chirping, the quiet of the forest surrounding them with each breath. Only everything was ruined now. 

“I just can't… handle this, Hans.” Henry reached over to take the man's hand into his own, which he surprisingly didn't immediately pull back. Small victories. "I need you. Not the person you're pretending to be right now.”

“I'm not pretending anything. You were the one to tell me we needed to stop. Quit while we're ahead, right?” Hans let out a laugh, absolutely no amusement on his face. “Now it's a little too late but I'm trying to take up on that advice.”

“We could still think of something.”

“Oh, yes. Great. Let's add adultery to the list of my mortal sins. I still need a few to collect them all.”

“So now you want to talk about faith?”

“You're not the only one who's been thinking, Henry. Maybe if you took your  head out of your arse for once you could see that." 

“So that's it, then? This is it?” Henry shook his head, swallowing the lump in his throat. "Just why the hell are you even taking me to Rattay?”

“Because you still have a job to do." 

“Hans—”

“I'm sorry, okay? I'll talk to Hanush once we get there so you can be dismissed." 

That lump only grew bigger now, though he willed himself not to cry as he just gave the other a nod in reply. If Hans could pretend then he was going to have to man up and do the same. 

I love you. 

“Let's get going then.” Henry just shrugged as he got himself up and hopped back on Pebbles, knowing the  rest of the trip was going to be anything but pleasant but he was just going to have to power through it. Hans had clearly made up his mind and unfortunately he knew very well there was little he could do to change that. 

While he couldn't understand where this sudden change of heart came from, he could understand the struggle. Who knew, maybe this all would be for the better, anyway. Maybe it wasn't too late for both of them. Maybe all could be forgiven. 

If only it was that easy. 

Henry just tried his best to get back into the role he was meant to perform, which was so much easier said than done when there was still that constant nagging feeling in the back of his mind that this wasn't right. Things weren't meant to be like this. They weren't meant to end like this. He didn't know if he was ever going to learn to accept that. 

Perhaps getting away from the other was going to be a big help, the memory of Zizka offering him work crossing his mind, for how reluctant he had been to take up on it. It was definitely an option should all else fail. Nothing like a little blood, sweat and tears to get over his heartbreak. He just needed something else to focus on. 

The luxury of which was not offered to him now, still being forced to accompany Hans on this trip, making things so much more difficult. It was like he was getting right back to where he had started from, undressing the other in the dim light and knowing he couldn't touch a single sliver of that skin. 

He had a job to do. This was all that he was reduced to. 

No more kisses in the sun and grass under his fingernails where he gripped it in a moment of pleasure. No more nights listening to the steady beat of the other's heart. No more of anything that he hadn't even dared to dream about. All of those things that Hans still had made come true, finding out things about himself that he had never known. 

From having a favourite side of the bed to having a favourite scar on Han’s body, it was amazing how much the little things mattered without all of that background noise. 

Now there was nothing but that. 

He couldn't even be bothered with the scenery before every town they went through, just hoping that they would make it to Rattay as soon as possible. 

At least they were finally talking with Hans again. Not that it was anything but a cold comfort when he could practically feel him slipping from his fingers with every short and indifferent reply. He was fading away. 

Henry absolutely didn't know what to do with that, when he couldn't even begin to think about just what had happened. Everything had been so good. Perfect. And now the clouds were back over his head, making everything washed over with a dull shade of grey. 

While he had known that they couldn't keep doing this forever, he had hoped that at the very least he could have gotten some closure. That they still go back to what they used to be. Clearly, that had been him being delusional with his wishful thinking. 

They would be in Rattay before sundown, and then all of this would be over. It was a thought that felt almost a little too hard for him to bear, despite trying to convince himself that this was all for the best.

Maybe there still was a part of him that wished that Hans would come around and change his mind, to realise what an arse he was being to him. Even if he might have had his reasons, it was no excuse to be treating him this coldly. Like he meant absolutely nothing to him.

After all that he had sacrificed for him, after all that they had been through, it absolutely pained him that Hans had the ability to just shrug that off as nothing but a foolish mistake. One that could be forgiven. Like they both didn’t know that it was way too late for either of them to beg for that. God might have been gracious but He couldn’t work miracles. Like make him forget all of this. Make these damned feelings go away when he just couldn’t handle them anymore.

Henry wished those all too familiar gates would bring him a sense of comfort, only for them to do the exact opposite to him. It felt like the end. The end of the story that only had just begun. Hans gave him one final look before they parted their ways, Hans going with Hanush who had come to the gate to greet them. As for Henry, he could only hope that a visit to the tavern would wash away some of these sorrows.

The utter torture of having to resist the urge to call after the man and tell him just what he needed to know. 

But guess even that didn’t matter anymore.

Chapter 13: Jitka

Henry lost count just how many beers he had gone through, though his misery still persisted. Not that it was any surprise, when alcohol usually was a double edged sword. It helped in the moment but the feelings soon came back with revenge, the only thing left being to drink a little more and hope for the darkness to take him instead.

He was just so fully aware of how alone he was. Just how that was going to be a permanent feeling. He had surely come a long way down from the top of the world. This was rock bottom, there was no getting around it.

His mind just kept going back to Hans despite how hard he tried to force these thoughts down, still not being able to understand just what had been going through his head. For him to just opt out like this, like it was the easiest thing. Henry couldn't wrap his head around it no matter how hard he tried.

Still having a place to sleep here didn't mean that much to him when he knew that by dawn that was all going to change. The one place that had once been his solace was now one that he wasn't going to be welcome in. Not that he would even think of coming back, anyway.

There were simply way too many memories here. Nothing here was untouched by Hans. Soon it was going to be all his anyway and he was going to get just what he had been after all this time. Clearly that meant more to him.

Of course it did.

He couldn't even really blame the other when this was what he had wanted for so much longer. Longer than they even had known each other in the first place. A marriage was a small price to pay for that. Even if at the same time he just couldn't understand. How quickly all of that had changed.

From spending so many nights holding the other, comforting him over the dread of what was to come. Having done everything in his power to try to help him through this. Now he was shutting him out entirely. Evidently, all of that care had backfired on him.

The castle had never felt more uninviting as he went to his room, just sitting there on the bed and staring at his feet as he wondered what his next move was. The first step was to get the hell out of there, ideally first thing in the morning. He just didn't have a single clue where to go from there.

He had thought he had finally had it all figured out for him, that this was just the kind of a thing he didn't need to worry about anymore. How wrong he had been, after all. He was just going to have to find his own way again. Whatever that might have been.

A knock on his door startled him from his thoughts, Hans being just about the last person he had been expecting to see but here he was, standing by the doorway.

He couldn't quite get a read of his face but he could at least tell that he wasn't too happy at all, the mood quickly turning awkward as the other cleared his throat.

“I spoke with Hanush." He started, every bit of hope he might have sparked in his state being crushed in an instant. It was simply straight to business. "He… He doesn't want to let you go until after the wedding. It is going to be tough to find a replacement for you on such short notice.”

Hans on the other hand didn't seem to have problems with that at all.

“And? Did you tell him that's just not possible?”

“Look, I tried. I really tried. He just tells me he is stressed out enough without the weight of this on his shoulders.”

“I'm sure there's people lining up to do this job, just how hard can it be?”

“You'd be surprised.”

“I was kind of looking forward to getting out of here tomorrow." Henry sighed, this perhaps not being off the table completely. Even if, at the same time, he didn't want to go against Hanush. As much as it did feel like such a trivial matter to him. They'd live. "But great. I'll have the time to join in on the celebrations.” It was hard not to sound bitter.

“I know this isn't ideal but there's little we can do.”

“Is that all?” Henry settled with despite there being a lot more on his mind, just not feeling like it was going to be worth exploding now when there was little good it was going to do.

“I'm meeting her tomorrow. You're kind of… expected to be there, too.” Hans sighed, at least finding the struggle of his words a little comforting. A little crack of that mask that was stuck to his face ever since they had left for Rattay. “I'm sorry. It's not like I can tell him about what's going on.”

“To hell with your apologies. You're not sorry." Henry just couldn't bite his tongue anymore. "If it were that important to you, you would find a replacement yourself. But you don't give a fuck.”

“In case you failed to notice, I have a lot on my plate, too.”

“Yeah, sitting on your fucking arse while all the work is being done for you. All you have to do is show up.”

“That shows me you really don't know anything.”

“Now if you'd let me, I would like to hit the hay.” Henry was just trying to find a way out of this conversation, when he had a bad feeling things had the potential of escalating way too much. He could feel that anger, storming inside his chest, just waiting for the opportunity to come out. He just wasn't going to let it. For that if anything was going to show the other just how weak he was. How pathetic.

“Right. Okay.” Hans frowned, feeling his gaze on him but he didn't even dare to look up anymore. “Just try to be… presentable in the morning.” It was evidently a jab at the state he was in, only making him more irritated. He still didn't even bother replying, just waiting for the man to be on his way again.

Just for the tears to come out the moment he did, making Henry feel even worse about himself. It was absolutely no use. Nothing could make things right again and he didn't know just how he was supposed to live with that.

Henry lay down on the bed, sobbing in the darkness that felt like his only comfort now, thankful that there was nobody there to witness his shame.

The morning greeted him with an all too familiar banging of his head, the light creeping through the window and nearly blinding him as he dared to open his eyes. It was hard to forget just what was to come. As if his hangover couldn't get any worse, the thought of having to force through this meeting was more than enough to make his stomach turn even more.

Alas, Henry knew he couldn't do anything but get himself ready, to take a deep breath and wait for this nightmare to be finally over. That was just going to take a while.

He didn't really know what to expect, really, meeting Hans at the hall and keeping his mouth tightly shut as they made their way outside. It was a tactic that he was just going to have to live with until all of this was done. To pretend like he wasn't there at all, still following Hans like a damned dog as they met Hanush at the gate.

Henry could tell that Hans was nervous as Jitka and her father arrived, along with her entourage. Though as she stepped out of the carriage, Hans had even more to be nervous about.

He supposed neither one of them was expecting the looker of a woman that came to greet him. It didn't exactly make him feel any better, seeing how stunned the other was. Maybe everyone else missed it completely but Henry could see that look in his eyes.

It was that very moment that he got the confirmation that he hadn't necessarily wanted. It truly was over.

He still could be polite enough with Jitka as she came to greet him as well, when it wasn't like any of this was her fault. It was absolutely no reason to resent her in any way, when it was Hans that had screwed him up.

She had no part to play in this, apart from taking Hans away from him. She didn't even know the damage she was doing with that. So he needed to let this go before he made things even more difficult for himself. It wasn't worth it. None of this was.

Yet here he still found himself standing by the man's side like he had no self-respect at all. He should have personally talked with Hanush, made Hans do his due diligence and find that replacement himself.

He just didn't understand why Hans would even want to go through with this in the first place. Him leaving Rattay would be the easiest choice, even for him.

He didn't seem all that disheartened with the fact that he was going to be there for the wedding. He would have liked to think that he could see through his facade, only now he really didn't know anymore. Maybe it just was that easy for him to move on.

Henry on the other hand struggled with that more than he could even let on, finding himself accompanying them on their first date like some kind of a twisted joke. He felt like one for sure.

He gave them some privacy yet still having to remain close by enough to go through the torture of watching Hans have the time of his life. It wasn't like he could even stop himself from watching from time to time, all the laughs and smiles making his stomach turn, his mind simply refusing to believe any of this.

He followed behind them as they went on a stroll through the woods, keeping his distance yet unable to get as far enough from them as he would have liked to. The other side of the country would have been a good start.

Anywhere else would have been better than there, being forced to watch his worst nightmare take place right under his nose.

There were horrors that he could learn to live with but this felt something beyond that.

He had never given his heart away like this, put his absolutely everything into someone just to get that very heart shattered into pieces. He wasn't too sure how he was meant to pick them up again. None of this definitely was helping.

He just had to get through the wedding, Henry told himself. He'd find his peace again for as long as he got as far away from Hans as possible.

That was the only hope he had left.

Chapter 14: Last Call

It seemed that everyone in Rattay wanted a piece of the action, the word of the wedding having travelled fast. Much to Henry's misfortune. He couldn't even go as far as to buy a loaf of bread without someone asking him about it. It seemed like everyone's opinion of Hans had finally shifted when he was all that they were raving about. It was exhausting, to say the least. But he still knew that he just had to keep up the appearances until this whole mess was over.

Pirkstein was no better, when even being holed up in his room there just was no escaping the constant noise of the preparations. People coming in and out until he almost preferred to join in on the pair's outings instead. After all, he had a job to do. Which was to make sure that nobody tried to get rid of Hans before the big day. For often he got himself into trouble, he knew this wasn't even all that excessive.

Not that it meant that he liked to be doing it.

Especially when he took notice just how close the two were starting to get, evidently all of Hans’ fears having wasted away for how happy he seemed to be. If this was all for show, then he was doing a hell of a job at it. For whatever hope he might have had about Hans coming around and changing his mind was slowly but surely starting to fade.

It was a thought that had kept him going but now he did understand that he was only doing himself more harm with it, when he was supposed to put all of this energy to getting over this instead. Hans was getting married and it was going to happen whether he liked it or not. The man couldn't have him around anymore because of that. There simply was nothing left here. They had gone ahead and fucked everything up for good.

He had so desperately hoped for there to be at least some sort of solace in this, not having prepared himself to just lose the man altogether. But now that was just a thing for him to accept. Maybe in time he could even be happy for him, even if at the moment he couldn't even bear the thought. Deep down he still wanted what was best for the other and if it was this, then he was just going to have to respect that.

Unfortunately, it only took Henry a long night at the tavern just a day before the wedding for him to throw all that caution in the wind.

Maybe it was the panic that was starting to rise inside him, being close enough to really acknowledge that this was happening. How desperately he didn't want it to be so.

Henry could have waited just a few more days and he could have been free of this burden. Alas, he just wasn't as strong as he should have been.

He just had to know.

At least he didn't manage to wake Hans up as he knocked on the door, finding him still fully dressed, sitting on his bed. He almost looked like he was about to head out somewhere. Either way, he didn't seem too pleased to see him at all.

“What do you want?" He picked up instantly on the agitation, though this time around he could tell that it wasn't all because of him. It was a start, at least.

“I just want you to give me a reason why you're doing this to me.” Henry stood still, trying to find his confidence when this was the least that he deserved.

“I thought I did.”

“What you gave me was an excuse. And I'm so sick and tired of you continuing to make those.” Henry shook his head. “You… you have no fucking clue what I went through for you.”

“You were the one to tell me we shouldn't be doing this in the first place."

“And just who convinced me otherwise? Just for you to suddenly decide to pull back the moment things were actually becoming real.”

“None of this has been real. Not really.”

“And you dare call me a fucking liar.” Henry bit, still not getting a single answer from the other which was absolutely driving him up the wall. “Nice to see that you're a coward, too."

Hans almost reflexively stood up with that, giving him a shove though one hardly strong enough to make him budge. "I'm no coward. I just know a mistake when I see one.” Hans huffed. “I'm moments away from everything I've ever fucking dreamed of. Do you really think I'm going to put that all to risk? For this? Get over yourself.”

Henry could feel that anger sparking up, though as he knew actions spoke so much louder than words, he knew he had to act quick. Punching him was maybe an option here but one he knew better than to make.

He didn't even think about it as he grabbed the other and went in for a kiss, Hans only proving his point with the way he drew closer before the ultimate shove back came.

Coward.

Hans looked absolutely furious, his breaths heavy as he stared at Henry like he was ready to bite his head off. Though before he could even register anything else, he was already slammed against the wall. The lips came back just a moment later, hungrier this time.

All this sudden aggression had a way of making it straight to his groin, never having experienced anything quite like this. The rush of it as he kept chasing the man's lips, the man who was still looking like he was about to fight him.

Alas, the fight never came. Instead he was met with Hans slowly pulling back, looking defeated. Tired, even.

They both just stared at each other without saying a word, catching their breaths, feeling like a single word uttered was going to ruin this moment anyway.

Like to finish him off Hans came again, biting into his lip as he went in for another kiss, perhaps giving just the answer he had been hoping for.

The sad thing was that they both knew that it wouldn't matter anyway, when by this time tomorrow it would be a final nail to the coffin. There was no getting out of that no matter how hard he could prove that Hans still had those feelings for him. Just why Henry couldn't even say he felt all that much better, when absolutely nothing changed.

This all had been doomed, right from the start. They just weren't meant to have each other. Maybe Hans had just realised that before he had.

“Just please get out." Came the quiet plea, forcing Henry out of his thoughts as he looked at the other, almost ready to fight again.

Only he then realised just the turmoil that was going on in the man's head. He could find his sympathy. It was just as difficult for Hans as it was for him.

Instead of the closure that he so desperately has wanted, he just dove head first deeper into this mess they had created. And perhaps ruining the man's big day in the process, one that he actually had seemed to look forward to.

Henry didn't say a word as he simply did what he was told, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it already was.

He still played the scene in his head, over and over again as he retreated back to his room. He doubted he was going to get much sleep at all for the storm that was brewing inside his mind.

Henry felt so torn, when he knew he had done the right thing yet at the same time he just couldn't help but wonder. Had he stayed instead, just what would have happened. Maybe they could have resolved this.

Maybe he could have enjoyed a moment more of those lips against his. Anything.

It was like his fingers were burning with the urge to touch the other.

That just wasn't happening now and it wasn't going to happen later. Somehow he had to beat that to his head that refused to accept that.

He had his shot. He had decided not to use it.

Now all there was to do was to sit on his hands and hope that he had made the right choice.

Chapter 15: The Wedding

If the days leading up to the wedding had been hectic, it sure wasn’t anything compared to the big day itself. The whole castle was in chaos, matching up well to Henry’s own mood which had been down ever since he woke up. He tried catching himself some breakfast but finding himself without any kind of an appetite.

All he could think about was the previous night, those soft lips against his own and his deep regret of not having taken his chances and gone a lot further with that. For now he was faced with the fact it had been the last time. There was no getting around that, as much as a part of him still wanted to hope that he could convince Hans otherwise. The man had made his stand crystal clear, which was unfortunately hard to forget. One heat of the moment kiss wasn’t going to change that.

The task to get Hans ready fell obviously to Henry, much to his misfortune. Getting him dressed was the easy part, it was standing the silence between them that he was struggling with the most. While Hans brushed it all off to his wedding jitters, Henry couldn’t fully buy into that. Not that it still stopped him from trying to give him that reassurance that everything was going to be fine, despite in his heart knowing things were going to be anything but.

Henry knew this couldn’t have been easy for Hans, despite what seemed to be a very blooming romance between the two. It had all happened so fast Henry had a hard time even keeping up with it, or maybe even fully believing in it. If anything, he just felt like Hans was trying so hard to prove something to himself. Henry still couldn’t believe that this was what he truly wanted.

Jitka might have proven out to be so much more than either one of them could have expected, that just didn’t change the reality of the situation. Maybe Hans really had fallen for her. Any man would have. But he also wasn’t blind to the way the air felt heavy between them as he helped the man into his clothes, spinning him around so he could take a proper look that everything was in tip top shape.

Henry wanted to tell him just how good he looked but he decided against it, the expectant look Hans gave him being painful enough as it was. There was no need to twist the knife in that open wound when he wasn’t the one that got to undress him at the end of the day.

“All done.” Henry settled with, making Hans frown a little, though he still remained silent as ever. Even if for a second he looked like he was about to say something, the moment was gone in a blink of an eye.

Getting some fresh air seemed to be so much easier said than done when he still felt like he couldn’t breathe with the festivities going on at full force outside. All the forced conversations and smiles as he pretended to be just as excited as everyone else was.

He eventually retreated to a more quiet corner with a beer in hand as he waited for the ceremony to start, watching all the friendly faces and not having ever felt this unwilling to talk to any of them. They were all the same, expecting him to be over the moon for Hans.

He just couldn’t be. No matter how hard he tried.

While he only wanted what was best for Hans, there was a coldness settling in his body that he had a good feeling he was never going to get rid of. Not that it was necessarily a bad thing, for he could keep chasing after that feeling. Being numb was simply so much better than what he had been going through before, when he could almost feign his indifference.

The ceremony was starting.

Henry couldn’t feel a thing anymore.

He finally joined the others to watch as Hans made his way to the aisle, looking more than a little nervous as he fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt. He could meet his eyes for a moment as they went through the crowd, looking almost surprised that he was there to begin with.

The music covered most of the chatter, which eventually did go dead silent as Jitka finally appeared, arms linked with her father. He might have been going through the hardship of giving away his daughter but for Henry, it felt like he was giving away a piece of his soul.

Something inside him just broke as he watched the two, holding hands as they recited their vows, most of which Henry couldn’t even hear because of the heavy fog in his head, pulling him away. It wasn’t like it mattered anyway.

He snapped back for a moment as the crowd cheered on as they shared a kiss, all of it just fading into the background as he stared. Hans looked so relieved. Happy, even.

Henry on the other hand wasn’t too sure if he was ever to feel that again.

Maybe that didn’t matter, either.

As much as Henry didn’t want to do anything as much as just to leave, deep down he knew his job here wasn’t quite done. He still needed to keep up the appearances, to mingle with everyone at the party. He could at least find some solace in the free drinks, as the company just didn’t really do the trick anymore.

He greeted Katherine who was sitting by herself, who was the first to point out that he didn’t look quite as happy as he should have. She always had the ability to just look right through him. Not that he felt the urge to elaborate at all, rather just letting her know about his work being over. She was so damned caring and understanding that he almost could fantasise about letting her know just what was pressing on his mind, if only that wasn’t impossible.

He would lose this, too.

She just told him to look for Zizka as he would always have a use for him, which was perhaps the only good thing that he could get out of this party. He did need that escape, both literal and figurative.

The alcohol in his system at least helped him build up that confidence to go and find the man, inserting himself into the deep conversation he was having with Dry Devil. Not that it seemed important but things usually did get quite heated between the two, especially when they both were enjoying the beer and wine just as much as he was.

Zizka didn’t seem all that sad about his situation as he was just glad that he had finally changed his mind, letting him know that he was welcome to ride with them back to Devil’s Den. He already had some work cut out for him, which Henry was pleased about, knowing he was going to need something more concrete to get this hell out of his mind.

Hans maybe didn’t have a use for him, but there were still people that did.

The rest of the gang seemed to be just as happy with the turn of events, at least making Henry remember that he had made some good friends along the way. While that maybe couldn’t repair the hole in his heart, that was still something else to focus on. For love he was giving up for good.

There was none left for him to give, anyway.

“Henry.” He was pulled from his thoughts, turning around to see the touch on his shoulder had been from Hans. “May I speak with you for a moment? In private.”

“Of course.” Henry nodded, as much as he wanted to argue that he would have rather chewed off his own arm than be alone with Hans ever again. The man wouldn’t just give up. Maybe he simply loved to see him suffer. Or maybe he was just that oblivious to it in the first place.

He followed Hans all the way back up to Pirkstein, which was eerily quiet now with everyone out there celebrating. He could feel that weight on his chest growing heavier and heavier with each step he took. When Hans finally stopped, that didn’t make it any better.

It was at this moment that Henry realised. This was a goodbye.

“I, uh. Heard you’re heading off with Zizka.” Hans started, word evidently travelling fast. Or maybe the man had been snooping on him all day long.

“Yes. We’ll be heading out as soon as I am dismissed. Maybe I won’t get paid as much but it’s still something.”

“Nothing you can’t handle, I’m sure.”

“Right.” Henry frowned. “So you brought me all the way here for a chitchat?”

“I’m getting to it.” Hans pressed, evidently struggling. “I was just… thinking.”

“There’s a first to everything.”

“First of all, fuck you.” Hans huffed, crossing his arms. “Second of all, I might just take it all back.”

“Alright, alright. I’m listening.”

“Maybe you could still come to visit me in Rattay, when you have the time.” It was definitely the furthest from what he had been expecting, though Henry didn’t really know what to make of this at all. If this was simply a case of a guilty conscience. Pity. “We never went on that hunting trip that I promised you.”

Clearly not.

“Hunting trip?” Henry repeated, almost as if to confirm he wasn’t just imagining things.

“I thought you said you were listening.” Hans shook his head, something in his eyes shifting in a way he couldn’t quite put his finger on. “You. Me. A pile of dead hares. Maybe I’ll even finally get to avenge that boar.”

“Tempting.”

“And…” Hans walked closer to him, finally realising just what this was as he was met with his lips on his own, even if they were gone just as fast as they had come. “Maybe a little bit of this.”

“Couldn’t save that after your fucking wedding?” Henry touched his own lips, almost reflexively. He was genuinely shaken up by it.

“You might have been gone by then. Then I would never know.”

“Know what?”

“How good it’s going to feel when you say yes.”

Chapter 16: Goodbye

The party was slowly but surely starting to die out, many of the guests that had traveled far already having headed out. There were still plenty of people willing to brave the dark, just for the sake of staying a little longer. 

Thankfully he didn't have to worry about that himself, for he knew he couldn't get a proper word with Hanush until the morning. While he didn't seem to be too happy with his decision, at least there were no objections. 

Henry was in a much better mood now, even if the circumstances were anything but ideal. Maybe he even could have convinced Hans to let him stay instead. Though for all things considered, maybe this was for the best. 

At least this way he could give Hans the proper chance to live his married life, not having him getting in the way of everything. He was going to have more than enough to deal with. 

This also meant that he didn't have to endure the torture himself, of watching the man being with someone else day after day. Being so aware of how they could never be like that, with people celebrating them instead of shunning them for life. It was a dream he had, of better days, if only he didn't know fully well they were never going to happen. 

Henry maybe got the worst deal but he was going to take it, when even this was better than nothing. The nothing that he had been so convinced he was going to get. Any moment with Hans he could get was better than having nothing. As impossible as this whole thing felt, he still knew that he wouldn’t be able to live without the man.

The cold breeze hitting his face as he finally headed back to Pirkstein definitely confirmed that summer was far gone now, the nights being a lot colder, all that warmth and happiness feeling like a distant memory. Just one that he was never going to forget. All the beautiful colours might have started to fade into grey but inside his mind he was always going to have that summer. It was something he could always think back to when things felt all too grim, even if right now it did feel painful.

This pain would pass, just as it always did. Maybe not without a scar or two but then again, what was another few to deal with?

Henry made his way into his room, feeling exhausted but still deciding to start packing up his things when he knew it was going to be a pain to do in the morning. It sometimes did make him a little sad, gathering his things and seeing just how little he had. His whole life being able to fit into just a few bags.

The glint of a blade suddenly pulled Henry away from his thoughts, pulling out the beautiful dagger he had made for the sole purpose of the wedding. He had completely forgotten. He ran a finger along all the engravings, remembering just how long it had taken him to finish. Mostly because he always had to wait for Hans to head out.

Perhaps he still could manage to catch him in the morning. He knew all wasn’t lost here.

Henry made sure he had everything ready to go for the morning as he finally settled down on the bed, feeling so mentally drained that it hardly took him any time to fall asleep.

Only for him to get awakened with his head still heavy with sleep as he tried to figure out just what was going on, startling a little when he noted the figure standing in the darkness. His reflexes were making him reach for his sword, though the hand grabbing his to stop him suddenly made him realise there was no need for it at all.

He could recognise that touch anywhere.

“No, don’t get up.” Hans whispered as he was trying to do just that, the man climbing into the bed with him instead, the sudden touch of Hans’ lips against his own making him confused yet unwilling to resist. Clearly there had to be some insanity on Hans’ end as well, risking something like this when it was supposed to be his wedding night.

Though as he finally noted the state of the man’s undress, he realised that it might have already happened. Just clearly it hadn’t been enough for Hans to still get as desperate as this, catching his lips every time Henry even tried to get a word in.

Maybe that was for the better anyway, when talking was just what always led them to trouble. This was so much easier, just feeling the other’s body against his own as the kisses turned hungrier, finding it so amazing how such a little thing got his head spinning.

Everything was moving so fast the moment things started to heat up, neither being quite able to get their hands off each other as the last bits of clothing were finally removed. Which was just what it always took for Henry to get achingly hard, even in the dark being able to make out every contour of the man’s body. What he couldn’t see he could touch instead, running his hands along the other’s torso.

He was so preoccupied with that he didn’t even know what Hans was doing before he was met with the feeling of the tightness around his cock, never having witnessed anything quite this obscene as the man let his body sink down it. He surely had had his fair share of women sitting on his lap but none that looked this beautiful, Hans’ every movement letting him know just how much he needed it. Like he was just dying for it.

The kisses turned nice and sloppy the more they got going, Hans working overtime with the way he kept picking up the pace, leaving Henry shivering every time he let his weight settle down again.

It just made Henry lose all control of his body, wanting to tell the other to slow down but Hans simply wasn’t going to, continuing to rock his hips and letting out those irresistible little whines. He didn’t even have a chance to hold back when he was already filling the man up, earning a quiet curse from Hans that just decided against giving him any mercy as he just kept going.

He couldn’t even complain at first when it felt so amazing chasing after that sensation, just for the pleasure to turn overwhelming when the other still refused to let him go.

It was him cursing now as he felt the wetness against his stomach, grabbing the man’s ass as he finally slowed down his movements, almost collapsing right against him for how out of it he was.

A feeling Henry could share well, his breaths heavy in the quiet room, the blood pumping in his ears so loud he was convinced everyone else could hear it, too. Just as well as the beat of his heart, racing inside his chest as his cock still throbbed inside the other.

“Think I would let you go without a proper goodbye?” Hans murmured as he finally lifted himself up, settling beside him instead, feeling the weight on his chest as the man laid his head down.

“Well, it sure as hell wasn’t the goodbye that I was expecting.” Henry let out a tired laugh. “Though maybe one I was hoping for.”

“Mm, I bet.” Hans smiled, even if it did fade rather quickly. “I can’t stay for too long, though.”

“I hope you didn’t just abandon the poor woman.” Henry shook his head as he was very aware just why that was.

“No, she’s sleeping.” Hans murmured, gently biting into his chest. “Just couldn’t fucking do so myself. Spent all night thinking about this. I was sure I was going to lose my mind.”

“I’d say you already have.” Henry stroked his fingers through Hans’ hair. “Not a single bit of common sense in this head of yours. Just hours after your I do’s and you’re already craving for my cock.”

“In my defense—” Hans started, just to cut himself off with a sigh as if to abandon that thought. “No, you’re right. I’m a horrible human being.”

“You are.” Henry agreed, tilting the man’s head up just enough that he could go in for a quick kiss. “Thank you for that.”

“I guess I just have to learn to live with that.”

“If it’s any comfort, my opinion of you hasn’t changed a bit.”

“Right. So you still care about me a lot?”

“No.” Henry frowned a little, despite his initial hesitation he didn’t think anything had felt any easier than this. He had his chance now and he was going to take it. “I love you.”

Chapter 17: Return

The leaves were starting to all fall down from the previously lush trees, the coldness in the air making them crackle under Henry's feet. It was already starting to make the tips of his fingers and nose tingle. It couldn't be too long before it would finally start to snow,

Everything was just as grey and dull as his mind was, already exhausted to the core by the manhunt Zizka had sent him on. Another tedious town with just as tedious people. All of which were absolutely no use to him, making the trail turn colder and colder with each pointless conversation.

There were at least the welcoming taverns offering him some sense of an escape, though the one he needed the most seemed to be so unattainable.

It was moments just like this when he started to think about Hans. A quiet corner and a beer in his hand, it was difficult not to let his mind wander, especially when these dull moments would be anything but, had he been able to share them with the man.

Hans would have probably enjoyed this, too. He was never one to shy away from a little adventure, despite the reality of them usually not being that glamorous.

Hard times and even harder beds, making his every aching muscle long for the better times when he still had his own bed to sleep in. A soft one. On top of a very warm body next to him, as sweaty as it got during the summer heat. There was just nothing he wouldn’t give to go back to that.

If only he could turn back the time, do it all over again. Maybe then he would have been able to appreciate it all as much as he should have.

The summer was long gone, that much was for sure. The chill that went through his body as he finally left the tavern was a good reminder of that, along with just how long it had been since he had seen Hans. All he could really do was to hope that everything was working out for him. To hope that the man would still feel the same way when he finally was able to travel back to Rattay.

Henry didn’t really know how he was supposed to handle the alternative, getting there just to get crushed immediately. There was such sadness in the reality that it was a possibility. For how smitten he had been with Jitka, maybe he would find all that he needed from her. Maybe he had forgotten about him altogether.

He just tried to push these thoughts aside for as long as he could, when it was the thought of returning to him that was keeping him together in the first place.

That day which didn’t come a moment too soon, finally returning to Zizka with some good news after all too long of a play of cat and mouse. The thrill of the chase had maybe died down in the third town he came back from, empty handed. It was still always outweighed by the lightness in his chest, knowing he had gotten the job done. The groschen in his pocket sure didn’t hurt either, even if by now it hardly was about that anymore.

It still meant that he was once again one step closer to what he wanted. It was going to be quite the journey for something that wasn’t guaranteed. But if Henry had learned something by now, it was that it was still a risk worth taking.

While Zizka wasn’t all too pleased about his request for a short break, perhaps for the fact that it wasn’t going to be all that short, at least he didn’t outright deny it from him. For as long as he was the one paying him, he was simply going to do what he needed him to. And since the gang still needed a helping hand around the Den, his trip was just going to have to wait for a few more days.

At least Henry was in a much better mood for having that to look forward to, even if his excitement was mixed with a sense of uneasiness. He just wasn’t going to let that ruin this for him, when either way his break was a much deserved one. Even if he wouldn’t get anything beyond a slap on the shoulder and another goodbye, it was going to be worth it just to see Hans in one piece. Happy.

Finally having a proper lead thanks to Henry, it was all just a matter of listing out the gear they had and what they would need for their next move, not wanting to leave anything to chance. While Zizka had a bad habit of being impatient, Henry was there to help him remember that at times like this, he really had to sit down and actually think about what they were going to do. He was a man of action, that much was for sure. But he sure as hell didn’t want him to suffer the fate of so many others like him, when that would be underground.

Henry also wanted to be reassured that nobody was to make a single move until he got back. He maybe supported the cause with his life, only wanting to do what was just, that just wasn’t all there was to that very life. Not anymore.

There was something much more to it, something that he could never be able to explain. That nervousness in his body as he was back at the saddle. The fact that he was doing the same thing all over again yet this time absolutely nothing was able to break his spirit.

The first snow was already beginning to fall by the time he made through all the familiar forests, the memory of riding through them the previous time not being all that pleasant one. It was just nothing he couldn’t replace with the sheer joy he was feeling, not even the cold bothering him anymore the closer he got. He could actually look around and enjoy the nature again, something that he sure had not been able to do for a long while. The beauty of the snow starting to cover up the ground, adding that bit of sparkle over all that death underneath. The birds hopping around, chirping in their hunt for the last bits of food to hide away before the harshness of the winter came.

In a way it was just what he was doing, trying to make these good memories to help him get through the hard times that he knew were to come. He broke off a piece of bread to sprinkle the crumbs on the ground, hoping there was at least one poor soul that would be feeling the same.

After getting a few bites in himself, he finally was on his way again. His face was starting to feel a bit numb from the cold as he passed through the mill, making a mental note to stop by and say hello to Theresa as well. Perhaps even Peshek would have an odd job or two for him to do while he was there. It all just boiled down to how everything was to go. At least he still had something, should it all blow up in his face.

His nerves definitely started to fail him as he passed through the gate, the guards immediately recognizing him. Something that wasn't always a good thing, though now he could appreciate the greetings when that just meant that he could get through with minimal trouble. It was a nice change of pace from the last time, when now he could once again feel the warmth in his chest as he got off Pebbles. Rattay felt closer to being home than it ever had. A feeling that he didn't think he would ever be able to enjoy again. Not here or anywhere else for that matter.

He asked for Hans, who unfortunately was out for the day, though thankfully enough he would still be expected to be back in the evening. He might as well get settled a little while he waited.

There was that nervousness again that he couldn't quite shake off, though he worked through it for the sake of not letting it ruin his good mood.

The tavern was a good place to start, definitely needing something to warm his body up a little, having been out in the cold for so long.

Some spirits and wine never failed to hit the spot, feeling the blood rushing back to his cheeks, just trying not to overdo it despite how nice the feeling always was. A little extra kick of liquid courage sure never hurt anyone, though.

Especially after such a long journey, all he wanted to do was to enjoy his drinks as he played a game of dice or two. It was just the thing to empty his mind off everything that was waiting for him when he got back. It was just what he needed to put behind, even if only for a little while.

Since he had so much time on his hands, Henry decided to make the visit to the mill sooner than he had anticipated. He got practically jumped by Theresa once he did, suddenly having his arms full of her as he was pulled into a hug.

“Nice to see you, too.” Henry let out a laugh, taking a good look at her when it sure had been a while. His mind sure had been more than a little preoccupied the last time he was in town. Visiting yet was probably on the bottom of his list. Even if right now he did realise how wrong he had been about that. He still owed her his life, that much was for sure. And he really had missed this.

“I can't believe you're actually here. I was certain I would never see you again." Theresa shook her head, giving him a quick peck on his cheek. “I heard you're not Sir Hans’ page anymore. I can't believe you just left without at least saying goodbye to me.”

“I'm sorry. I really am. It's just been… rough. To say the least.” Henry sighed. "Which I know is not an excuse. But I'm here now, aren't I?”

“So what brings you to town anyway?"

“I just needed a bit of a break, I guess. I'm here to see if Hans will take me hunting. There's nothing like it to clear your head.” Henry mused, only realising his error immediately when he could catch that look of disappointment in Theresa's eyes. Sometimes he really was a bit too oblivious.

“Oh, I see." Theresa still did a good job with feigning her smile, albeit Henry already knew he had completely killed the moment. "Well, I do hope you'll have fun. Though isn't it a bit too cold for hunting anyway?”

“It's really not if you're well equipped.” Henry shrugged, even if perhaps Theresa did have a point. There was just nothing that could ruin the fantasy for him. Henry could manage a thousand nights shivering in the cold if that meant that he could spend them with Hans. “I'm sure we'll have the time to hang out as well, though.”

“Mm, you better keep that promise. Sounds to me like you're already planning to run off.” Theresa snorted a laugh, even if she did look rather displeased.

“No, you're right. I'm in no rush here. We can absolutely hang out right now.” Henry realised just how hasty he was, always rushing off even when there was no need for it. There was just something in his blood, unwilling to let him sit still for too long. Like he was always running away from someone. It was a hard feeling to shrug off. “If you're free, that is.”

“For you? I just might be.”

They settled on their usual stroll along the bank, despite the chilly weather, just making sure Theresa was having enough layers on not to have her complain the moment they were far away enough from the mill.

He couldn't say his heart was entirely in their conversations when he was just staring at the sun as it was going down, though he didn't want to feel that guilty about it. He was still giving the other what she needed, a small moment away from work and responsibilities. While he might have argued that there were plenty of better things to do than to waste her time with him, Theresa had always been fond of his company. And this time he wasn't there to deny it from her. Deep down, he could understand just how sick with worry she must have been, all this time.

He wondered if Hans had been, too.

Henry kept her well entertained with the stories of his adventures, when even the most tedious parts still felt all too wild for Theresa. He told her about his work with Zizka, not going into too many details for the sake of her own good. It still felt good to have that bit of an outlet, knowing she was there to listen. All the stress and worries he was going through, just getting that little bit out was already helping him out a lot.

They talked for hours, time passing so quickly he didn't even realise it until they were looking at the setting sun, knowing it was time to head back before it got dark. Which was just when that feeling in the pit of his stomach started again, all that excitement and nervousness as they finally said their goodbyes.

The kiss was brief and hardly even romantic at all, perhaps having completely blown his chances with her. Not that he could even really care at the moment, when even taking Hans out of the picture, the way he was currently living didn't really leave much room for anything serious. Especially when he wasn't too sure if he was able to get that serious with anyone. The lighter things were, the least guilty he had to feel that he wasn't all the way there.

Henry made his way to Pirkstein, the sight of the all too familiar horse standing outside making his heart race a little faster. Though it was absolutely nothing compared to the moment when Hans appeared from behind it, completely oblivious to his presence as he was going through the saddlebags.

“How about that hunting trip you promised me? Still feeling up to it?" Henry called out as he started to make his way towards Hans, finally making him look up. He swore he went a little pale, which he didn't know whether to take it as a good or a bad sign. The wide smile on his lips just a moment later still told him more than enough.

“Henry.” Hans quickly straightened himself out as he started to walk towards him as well, evidently trying to pace himself, though Henry absolutely wasn't blind to the excitement.

It was the moment of contact that was the problem, the only thought in his head being how desperately he needed to touch the man, to kiss him, to do every single thing he in reality had to stop himself from doing. The short hug he was pulled into already felt like playing with fire, his mind convinced it was just a moment too long.

Not that it really stopped the urges just to grab him and hold him, to never let him go again.

It maybe looked like nothing from the outside but that moment was absolutely everything to him, meeting Hans’ eyes and seeing just what he had been craving all this time.

The man still wanted him. Just as desperately as he did.

Chapter 18: Home

Henry joined everyone for dinner, even Hanush seeming to be pleased to see him despite the circumstances. Or maybe he was simply too polite to say anything, seeing how much Hans was enjoying his company. It was something that the man didn't even try hiding this time. Perhaps the wine that was flowing rather heavily could take some of the blame. It wasn't like Hans took it too far at all, though of course there was a part of him that always felt on the edge.

If only Hanush knew the half of it. He sure wouldn't be feeling so welcome anymore.

Henry couldn’t even remember the last time he had such a feast like this, helping himself to just about everything while still at least trying to have some manners. Especially with Jitka eventually joining their company, Henry wanted to leave a good impression on her. The last thing he needed was to cause any friction between her and Hans due to being bad company.

It felt so surreal nonetheless, sitting there and pretending that there was nothing going on, when each look exchanged with Hans just made him want to climb over the table and take what he needed. It was absolute torture. Though most of all, it was absolutely messing with his head.

Hans finally had what he had wanted, which he should have been more than happy for. Which he was, in a way. He didn't even want to cause any problems between Jitka and him, even if at the same time, he already knew what he was going to do. The feeling of it burned a hole inside his chest, his fingertips itching with the urge to get his hands on the man.

He was slowly but surely beginning to wonder if he was cut out for this, after all. If the easier choice would have been to completely deny himself.

“Slow down with the wine, Henry. We will ride out at the crack of dawn and I do expect you to meet me in time.”

Too bad he wasn't going to get far enough to even try that.

“With all due respect, sir, I think I can handle myself.” Henry gave the other a small smile, definitely wanting to tease him a lot more but for now he just had to bite his tongue.

“You two must be off your heads, going out in this weather.” Jitka stepped in, changing looks with Hans which told Henry that this had been a discussion between the two. She didn't necessarily look like she approved. But of course she wasn't to go against it. At least in public. “It looks like it's going to storm.”

“Nonsense. There's nothing wrong with the weather. It just makes it all the more easier to track down the game.” Hans shook his head.

“I can assure you, should things get too bad, I'll personally make sure that we make it back in one piece.” Henry snorted a laugh, just trying to give Jitka some reassurance.

“Mm, I hear you have a good track record with that. Just as good as Hans has with getting himself into trouble.” Jitka smiled.

“It's not my fault that trouble finds me. But you can count on Henry, even if you don't trust me.”

Henry couldn't deny that he deemed the conversation a little nauseating, when deep down they really didn't have much respect for Jitka at all. It just wasn't possible to have it, going behind her back as they did. It was a choice that he had made. And therefore it was something he was just going to have to learn to live with, knowing that he could never have an honest, real relationship with the woman.

And maybe that went with everyone else as well, having felt the weight of his secret on his shoulders for so long. It wasn't an easy thing, to know that he wouldn't have these friends in the first place should they discover the truth about him. It had tainted all the relationships he had, continuing to grow such distance between him and everyone.

Hans just seemed to be the only one able to heal those wounds, making it so easy to just forget. As much as it never lasted for too long, it was moments like this when he was convinced there was nobody else that he even needed.

Even if on all those lonely nights, Henry knew that wasn't the case. Missing Hans was another thing, but that torment of knowing that things would never feel the same was a pain much worse than that. And he couldn't take that away. Nothing could.

Henry finally turned in after his belly was more than full, at least being well fed before their trip. He knew it wasn't going to be quite as glamorous as this, especially if they didn’t manage to catch any meat in the first place. that Henry really cared. The most important thing was that they were going to be together. Alone.

He settled down in his bed, already half asleep when he suddenly heard a knock on his door, instantly making him sit up as he called out to the darkness.

“Yes?” Henry lit up a candle, which wasn't really doing much at all but at least the sight of Hans’ face told him that there was no cause for alarm. Which was good, for he sure didn't feel like getting out of bed. This was a time for him to rest and it would have been just his luck for someone to need his help. He was just so tired, being dragged into all directions without ever really having a moment to just himself.

“Thought we could have a little nightcap.” Hans smiled as he came over to the bed, already feeling the tension building up as innocuously he sat down on the mattress. “You know. For good luck.”

“Didn't you just try to cut me off?”

“This is different.” Hans let out a laugh. “It's tradition.”

“Since when?” Henry frowned, surely not remembering this having been a thing in the past.

“Since now. Drink up.” Hans handed the schnapps over to him, which he obviously wasn't going to refuse. Even if it meant having a bit of a harder time to get up in the morning, that warmth spreading in his body was well worth it. It just made it all the more easy to ignore what they were doing here, like all the shame and guilt was getting buried underneath that heavy blanket of rapture.

“I still can't believe you're actually here.” Hans mused, finishing his own cup with a bit of a grimace.

“Well, you did make an offer I couldn't really refuse.” Henry smiled, feeling the air between them grow a little heavier, like both wanted to make the first move but not quite daring to. Because they both knew they should have waited. Not do anything too risky right under everyone's noses. They had been playing with fire as much as it was. On the man's wedding night, at that. “I promised I'd be back.”

“Yeah, it's just… I don't know. It's been a long time.”

“I've had a lot of work to do, that's all. I've been on a manhunt all these past months. Finally got the bastard, though. That was just when I decided I needed a bit of a break.”

“So… you'll be here for a while?”

“Aye.” Henry nodded, daring to brush over the man's hand with his own, which immediately sent such a rush through his body. “We're pretty much at a standstill, anyway. But it's only a matter of time.”

“Right.” Hans sighed, Henry not really knowing what to make of the look on his face.

“We'll get through this. In victory. They got absolutely nothing on us anymore.” Henry assured the other. “Sigismund might have some supporters left but it's no fire we can't extinguish. He fled. That shows the people where his loyalties lie.”

“I just… sometimes I do wish you weren’t so involved.” Hans frowned a little. “Don’t get me wrong. I do understand where you’re coming from. It’s honourable. But I do worry.”

“I just want to do what I know to be right. I’m… I’m done with revenge. This is about something far bigger than that.”

“You got your revenge, didn’t you?”

“And how pointless that was. All that bloodshed and still, every night I’m tormented with the fact that nothing can bring my family back. My home.”

“I know there’s nothing I can do but I do hope I can at least make you feel like this is the closest thing to a home you got. You’re always welcome here.”

“You make me feel like that.” Henry admitted, perhaps with the help of the schnapps working through his system. “Wherever we are. I look at you and I think for that fleeting moment that everything is alright.”

“Yeah. I get that.” Hans smiled, even if it was a bit of a sad one. “You make me feel safe. It’s not been easy, not having you around. No matter how much security I have, it still feels like nobody is really having my back.”

“I’ll always have your back.”

“Yes. I know.”

Henry properly sat up on the bed, reaching for the man’s hand again, just for the tension between them growing far too overwhelming for him to handle. He finally gave in, going for his cheek to stroke instead before he drew Hans in for a kiss.

Which was just the moment where everything came undone — all the stress in his body and mind melting away as the only thing he could think about how good he felt. How desperately he had needed this. Him.

It was absolutely hopeless, everything moving so fast as he grabbed Han’s face as he deepened the kiss, simply not being able to get enough of him.

He was hungrier for it than he ever had been, his heart pounding in his chest as he felt the hands moving along his body, clutching at his waist. They slowly moved to his face as well, both holding each other in place like in fear of his coming to an end.

Which, unfortunately, it still did.

Both absolutely breathless as they stared at each other, almost in disbelief. Henry knew Hans had to feel it too, with the way he looked at him. He didn’t even need the words when he just knew.

“Is this a part of the tradition, too?” Henry broke the silence with a soft laugh.

“A kiss for good luck? You just might be onto something here.”

“We’ll be swimming in the hares, then.”

“Well. I can kiss you all I want but that still doesn’t make you a good shot.”

“Oh? Want to bet?”

“It’s only tradition, isn’t it? Just like my victory.”

“Careful.” Henry gave the other a warning, before going in for another quick kiss. “You just might end up tied up again.”

“Mm, that’s just the kind of big talk you get from a sore loser.”

Henry moved down to his neck, biting him. It was well deserved.

“We’ll see.”

Chapter 19: The Hunt

The morning started just as it usually did, a pounding head and an upset stomach that made him question whether he even wanted to get out of bed. It was just going to be one of those days. Again.

Though this time Henry couldn’t really care too deeply how he was feeling physically, when he was way too excited about what was to come.

The sun was barely out yet as he got out of the bed to get himself ready, cursing himself internally a little when he hadn't bothered packing beforehand. With his head still heavy with sleep, it was that much harder to go through everything that he needed.

They still hadn't discussed just how long they would be away but he knew it was going to be at least a few days. There still wasn't much needed but the essentials, knowing Hans had most of the equipment covered anyway.

He headed up for a quick bite to eat and a nice drink, trying not to loiter for too long despite how sluggish he still felt. There was nothing like some proper fresh air to help to combat that.

Hans was already waiting for him by the gate as he met up with him, certainly being able to sense the man's excitement as well, despite him looking just about as exhausted as he did. The morning felt a bit chilly but the weather was clear enough, only being able to hope that it was going to stay that way, too.

He at least made sure to have enough layers to feel comfortable as he hopped on Pebbles, after having gone through their bags with Hans, making sure nothing was forgotten. It was going to be a pain to come back for something.

There was just nothing like it, being on horseback with the man again, the mood definitely being a whole lot different than it had been the last time. The last time had felt like an ending, whereas this felt more like a new beginning. A beginning of something so amazing.

Even if he had spent months on a horse, this still felt nothing but relaxing as they hit the road. Perhaps it was for the fact that he knew he could finally put all of the stress of his life behind. Just get away from everything and everyone, enjoy the company of the one person that meant the most to him.

Things felt so light between them now, the laughter echoing the woods that they went through, everything feeling so much more peaceful the further away from civilization they were.

“Aren't we going this way?” Henry paused as he followed behind the other, who was clearly taking a wrong turn from their camp.

“Well, since you ask. I do have a little surprise for you.” Hans chuckled, so irritatingly nonchalant that only fuelled his curiosity even more. “Don't worry, we're going the exact right way.”

“Just promise me this isn’t a new way for you to get us into trouble.” Henry frowned, when the choices that he was going through his mind all lead up to just that. There was a real problem with Hans getting ideas, none of which usually were that bright. And now it was even worse when he didn't have a clue about them beforehand.

He still kept his mouth shut for now as he continued to follow the man, who seemed to be more than confident in where he was going, leaving Henry no choice but to trust him and take his lead.

Even if they went through parts that he wasn't all that familiar with, Hans didn't seem to share his uncertainty at all.

And it didn't take him too long to realise just why that was as the man finally stopped by a building, a proper hunting lodge. Henry could get the idea that they weren't there by chance. Especially for how new it looked. A definite upgrade to freezing his balls off in a tent, even if that had been what he had gladly signed up for.

“Welcome to our humble home for the time being.” Hans gestured towards the lodge, hopping off his horse. “I had it built just for us. Hanush of course didn't really agree with it but hey, what can he do now? It's hardly frivolous spending when it does serve a purpose.”

“Yeah. A purpose of leisure. I kinda get Hanush's point.” Henry let out a laugh. “Not that I'm complaining. It looks wonderful.”

“I knew you'd like it. I mean, since we're going to have to do this the hard way, at least we don’t have to be stuck exposed to the elements all year around.” Hans mused, which was something Henry could certainly agree on. It was only going to get colder from here. They'd be knees deep in snow the next time he would have the chance to come here again.

And for nothing being guaranteed anyway, it was about making the most of every single moment they had together. For he knew it all could be over so soon.

Henry followed the man inside, the place certainly looking comfortable enough, even if it did seem almost a little too modest for Hans’ standards. Maybe for once he had learned to be rational, when really a bed and a source of warmth was all that they really needed.

“Let's get the fire going.” Hans suggested, already going over to the fireplace to set it up. It was going to take a while to warm up but it wasn’t like they were in a rush at all, having still more than enough daylight left.

Henry sat down on the bed, taking in the surroundings as he let the other handle the fire. He took upon the task of a little unpacking himself, going through what they needed for the hunt and what could be left there. At least nothing was too valuable in case someone cared to break in, which perhaps had been Hans' thought with the lodge in the first place. In a place like this, it definitely was not a good idea to stand out in any way.

“It'll be a while until we need to add some wood to the fire. How about we head out right away? It'll be nice and toasty when we get back.”

“I can't say no to that. It's sure been a while.” Henry mused, his fingers already itching for his bow.

“Well, I hope you're not too rusty. We still have that competition, remember?”

“Alright, alright. Just not right now, okay? I just want to relax for a while.”

“You know what? I'm feeling very generous today. I'm not even going to tease you.” Hans surprised him, suddenly feeling a hand ruffling up his hair as the man walked up to him. “You've had a hard time. I don’t want to make that worse for you.”

“Thank you.” Henry gave him a small smile. He appreciated the gesture even if in all honesty, he didn't know just for how long this was to last. For now, he was going to take it.

“Shall we?” Hans picked up his bow, Henry following his suite as they finally headed out.

The sun was out, making the weather a bit nicer even if it still was cold. The little snow that powdered the ground was crunching under their boots. It wasn’t the weather for being too silent in their steps but it absolutely was the time to follow along the fresh tracks left on the snow.

It felt almost too easy.

Hans was the one to spot the first hare, therefore giving him the first shot as well, the soft thud of the arrow making every other critter flee the scene while the dead body of the hare remained on the ground.

The man never really failed to impress him with his skills. Not that it was something to mention to him when the wide grin was instantly on Hans’ lips, so pleased with himself. It wasn't that he was good but the fact that he was so infuriatingly aware of it.

Henry just wasn't going to let such a petty thing ruin his mood, rather focusing on the good time that they were having. The forest was full of game for them to kill, which meant that he also had more than enough time to show off his skills that he had been honing. As much as he had insisted on not making this into a competition, of course he still wasn't going to let Hans think he was the best shooter out of them.

They eventually parted ways, just as they were properly warming up. It was simply so much easier this way, not having to wait for his turn and simply go his own way.

He just made sure to keep Hans close by enough that he could still see him, some habits simply dying hard. Even if they were just having fun, he still felt the need to look out for the man. It was maybe a little taxing but unfortunately, it wasn't something he was able to help. He had gotten himself into trouble all too many times. And with that being in places that he would have never expected, Henry surely had learned his lesson.

It was just so nice to let his mind relax completely and focus on what his body was doing instead, the deep breath as he drew the bow, the steady exhale as he released it.

Gotcha.

Henry already felt a hundred times better than he had before by the time he met up with Hans again. Even if that was dampened a little with the fact that the other was holding five hares to his four, just reminding himself that this had not been a competition. Henry still couldn’t help but feel the loss a little. Especially when Hans seemed to be equally as joyous about it.

“We'll be eating well tonight.” Was all that Hans still came up with, perhaps to keep his promise. “Let's get inside. I'm freezing my arse off already.”

With a laugh, Henry could only agree to the man's statement, his finger having started to feel numb by the second hare already.

The lodge was at least nice and warm once they got there, the fire nearly having burned down to ambers which Henry took as his first task to fix. He threw in a couple of logs, extending his hands to the heat just to warm himself up a little more. He couldn't even remember the last time he had felt quite this content.

His worries were starting to just fade away the longer he kept gazing into the fire, which was why he was startled a little as he felt the sudden touch on his waist. Of course it was only Hans, having crept up to him, making that initial spook release with a sigh as he enjoyed the other's embrace.

“It's just us now.” Henry murmured, maybe stating the obvious but it still felt like a realisation to him. His mind just didn’t want to believe he could get to have this ever again. Somehow it never did.

Henry was slowly spun around, feeling so strangely intimidated by the closeness of the other as he looked into his eyes. It was hard not to wonder just what was going through Hans' head. He knew this couldn’t have been easy for him. In any way.

“For a good while I didn't think you would even come back.” Hans admitted, stroking his face which made Henry outright melt into his touch.

“I meant what I said, Hans.” Henry pressed, feeling a whole lot more confident than he had the last time. “I love you. Don't you ever go and forget that.”

“How could I?” Hans shook his head. Henry saw that familiar glint behind his eyes that told him he had hit just the right spot. “I fucking love you, too.”

The kiss may have been expected but it still took Henry completely by surprise, almost like he was still expecting someone to come and burst through the door.

It just took him a moment to remind himself that they really were alone now, making him lean further into the kiss. The kiss which was purely desperation now as they were able to fully let themselves go, a feeling that he sure as hell had been yearning for so long. No rushed touches and sloppy kisses in the dark.

In his heart, it was summer again.

It was almost like he could feel the sun on skin again as the clothes were piling up on the floor, the sight of the man's naked body making his mouth go a little dry. It was simply something he could never quite get used to, no matter how many times he let his hands wander on him, making a mental note of every edge and curve. Every stroke of hair along the way. He absolutely couldn't get enough.

The first squeeze of Hans' arse made Henry lose the game altogether, making his arousal all that immediate.

He moved them over to the bed so he could settle between his legs, eagerly kissing his way down the man's body just so he could swallow him down. Something that he was still trying to get the hang of but the appreciative moans told him that he was at least doing good enough of a job.

Henry didn't really know just what drove him to it, yet he didn't really even hesitate as he moved further down with his mouth as he let Hans' cock slip out from his lips.

The first tentative lick at the hole earned a gasp of near disbelief from the other, looking up to meet the man's eyes that he didn't really know what to make of.

He still took his chance as he kept on going, taking the man's cock into his hand instead as he kept rubbing his tongue against the entrance. The hips that had gone so deadly still slowly but surely started to push down against him, making Henry more than eager to keep exploring this now evident pleasure.

It was just thrilling, discovering these things together.

Henry picked up the pace of his hand a little, just as he did with his tongue that he was trying to prod his way inside, never fully succeeding but that not seeming to bother Hans at all with the way he kept squirming.

It didn't take the man that long at all to finish all over himself, making Henry grin as he moved back. To take things even further, he started to kiss his way up to the man's stomach just to start to lick up the mess pooling there.

“You're absolutely filthy.” Hans murmured, albeit he didn't exactly sound too mad about it. Especially when he didn't even resist still going for a kiss nonetheless. The taste of the man's come still on his tongue, making all of this feel all the more nice and perverted. It was perfect.

“Mm, it didn't look like you had any complaints.” Henry smiled, laying down by the other’s side with a sigh, willing to ignore his own needs for the time being when he knew the other was going to need a moment. “I'd even argue that it was rather the opposite.”

“Well, I didn't say it was a bad thing.” Hans let out a small laugh, just to grab his face and go in for another brief kiss. “It was… Nice. Different.”

“I don't even know. There must be something in the air.” Henry smiled, tracing lines across the man's chest as he simply took the moment to enjoy the closeness. “I had a lot to make up for. I guess I still do.”

“Don't worry, I'm quite sure we'll have just enough downtime to catch up properly.” Hans caught the hand on his chest, lacing their fingers. His poor heart was once again growing restless. “With other things as well. I for sure want to hear all about your little adventures.”

“I'm sorry, but I thought I made it clear that I came here to forget all about them.”

“I'd still like to hear. You can't even imagine how much I worry for you.” Hans' smile faltered a little, feeling the squeeze on his hand tightening.

“No, I think I have quite a good idea.” Henry sighed. “How about we focus on you for a while? I'm sure you have plenty of things to tell, as well.”

“I'm… I'd actually rather not talk about that, either.”

“I see. So there's that done.” Henry snorted, perhaps not helping his curiosity but for that very matter he knew exactly how Hans felt. Guess he wasn't the only one looking for an escape. “How about you just shut your pretty mouth and spread your legs for me, then?”

Now they finally seemed to be speaking the same language.

Delusion.

Chapter 20: The Storm

Summary:

Doubt that anyone is still reading but if you are, here we go :)

Henry woke up during the night to stir the fire a little, rubbing his eyes before throwing in a few more logs to ensure they wouldn’t be freezing to death. It was a good thing they both were such light sleepers, one of them always getting up to check up on it. Even if it wasn’t exactly pleasant, waking up to the noises Hans was making in his sleep when he knew just what he was being terrorised with.

He still needed the rest, which was why Henry still chose against waking him up.

He just wished he could help him somehow.

Stretching himself out a little, he made his way to the window, which turned out to be quite the mistake when all that he could see was white. It sure hadn’t been there the last time he had gotten up, which hadn’t even been that long ago. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he could hear Hanush’s voice, giving them both a lecture when he had known this to happen.

They were fully snowed in. Which, in regular terms, meant that they were absolutely fucked.

Cursing, Henry went for the door to fully assess the situation, barely being able to open it due to the heavy blanket of snow. The storm didn't really look like it was letting up, either. They certainly weren't going to be able to do much hunting today. Right now, Henry deemed it a miracle if they managed to step outside at all.

It was absolutely no use even trying to head back either, that feeling more like a deathwish more than anything. While Henry maybe found himself toying with the concept at times, in reality this wasn't the way he was going to go down.

They still had plenty of rations to handle a few days, even if those days were evidently going to be spent stuck inside the cabin. Not that he was entirely opposed to the idea, huddling together by the fire and just let his body rest for a while.

It might have been just what he needed, anyway.

Henry gently woke Hans up after a while after he had prepared a porridge for them to eat, just to bear him the bad news.

“You got to be fucking kidding me.” Hans groaned, just to head to the window to confirm that he indeed was not kidding. His turmoil mimicked that of his own when he had first seen the snow, though he tried not to look too amused by the fact.

“I'm sure we'll handle it.” Henry assured the other as he set the plates down on the table, gesturing for the other to sit down with him. Much to his surprise, there wasn’t even a single complaint about the food, as bland as it was. “We just got to save the hunting for another day.”

“Yes, I just… You don't know how long I've been looking forward to this.”

“I think I do have an idea, actually.” Henry snorted a laugh, not sure if he should have been offended by the comment. “But there's nothing we can do. At the end of the day, we are still here together. Which sure as hell means much more to me.”

He felt a gentle touch on his hand at that, taking it as a sign that the other agreed on that sentiment.

It didn't take them too long to find something to entertain themselves with as they waited for the storm to blow over. All it really took was that one look at each other and they both were so aware of their solitude, almost forgotten.

He could look. He could touch. He could kiss. He could do whatever he pleased.

The cold wind was howling outside but inside the cabin things were starting to heat up.

It was nothing but a kiss at first but as per usual, things always got way out of hand within seconds. It was like one moment they were sharing such a sweet moment and the second they were already tearing each other's clothes off.

There was that fire inside that Henry didn't think was ever going to be extinguished, chasing after the man's lips as he let his hands wander down his naked body. As much as he always wanted to savour these moments, unfortunately the urgency of his body didn't always allow that. Maybe that rush was simply learned behaviour or perhaps they simply couldn’t help themselves, knowing he simply was not going to be satisfied until he got inside the man.

It was a sensation he could never get enough of, slowly working himself in as he drew Hans in for another kiss. Not that he indulged in it for too long when he very much preferred to watch his face as he started thrusting, those parted lips not keeping a single sound silent anymore.

He could remember the high of this so well, listening to those sweet moans as he fucked into him, letting Henry know just how much the other needed this, too.

Just how his desires were never going to be able to be fulfilled by a woman when his ass was just begging to be filled up. He sure did his best to comply with that plea.

Hans deserved it.

The heat of the fireplace warmed up his skin, leaving Henry practically sweating as he picked up the pace, just to enjoy that look in Hans’ eyes that told him he was doing everything right. As if his whimpers weren't telling enough on their own, the way they were getting more and more high pitched the harder he went. When those eyes finally squeezed shut, Henry already knew it was all over for him.

Nothing could ever turn him on as much as watching Hans making a complete mess of himself, spilling all over his torso as those whimpers evolved into a last, deep moan.

It was just the thing to drive him right to the edge as well, not needing more than a few good thrusts to fill the man up just the way he wanted. Deep and hard, holding onto his hips as if to keep him in place as he stilled his own.

Henry enjoyed the faint throb of his cock inside the other for a good while before he slowly pulled himself out, mirroring the smile that was spread over Hans' face. He could never get enough of that damned smile.

“Bless me, father, for I have sinned.” Hans snorted a laugh, Henry not helping but to follow suit for how ridiculous it was. Somehow one of them always found a way to kill the moment before it got too intense. Not that Henry particularly minded that, much enjoying this lightness between them.

“That's all you got to say?”

“Mm, good job?”

Henry gave the man's thigh a playful slap in response, though going in for a quick nonetheless.

“Not exactly what I mean but it's a good start.” Henry shook his head, settling down on the rug next to the other, resting his head on his chest. The steady rhythm of the beat of Hans’ heart never failed to calm him down, this time being no different.

It was like he could finally let go off all of the weight on his shoulders and simply exist for a moment. In his own perfect fantasy, where there was nothing but the two of them. Even if he knew it was only bound to fall apart, he tried to ignore that fact and just make the most of what he was able to.

The moment could always be their last, and that was a cross that was hard to bear. It never felt like he was getting as much out of these moments as he should. It was simply impossible when there was that reckless side of him that believed that they were invincible. As much as after all that he had been through, he should have known better.

“So… how's life?” Henry finally broke the silence, stroking along the man's side. “I know you didn't exactly want to talk about it but I'm sure there's something you can fill me in on.”

“Well, it's… I don't know. Somehow the married life is anything but what I imagined it to be.” Hans sighed, Henry seeing that he wasn't too happy with the subject. Not that he could help his curiosity. He wasn't used to this at all, being so blacked out of the man's life, admittedly missing the times when he was so more involved.

“What? Is there already trouble in paradise?”

“Well, it wasn't exactly a paradise to begin with. But no, that's not my issue. We get along great, to be honest.” Henry could see the frown forming on the man's face. “I just… Jitka is with a child.”

“And you decided to wait until now to tell me?” Henry couldn't hide his shock as he sat up, looking at Hans as if he was expecting to announce it to be a joke. Of course, it wasn't. It was only expected.

“I didn't tell you because I'd rather not think about it at all.” Hans pressed. “I know I should be over the moon right now but I just… I feel nothing. Regret, at most. I just don't think I'm cut out to be a father, Henry.”

“I'd say it's a bit too late for that now.” Henry snorted, although considering his words for a moment when he didn't exactly want to make light of the situation. He could see the obvious struggle Hans was going through, and he had absolutely no clue how to handle that. “Look, I'm sure you're not the first person to get the jitters. I don't think anyone feels ready to become a parent. It's kind of a thing you'll grow into.”

“These are no fucking jitters, though.” Hans frowned. “I don't want to have this child. And I feel so damned guilty for even saying that. But there it is. I just grew tired of listening to the endless jokes about my inability to knock her up.”

“You got her pregnant out of pettiness?”

“I got her pregnant because that's what's expected of me. Just like this whole facade of a marriage in the first place. It was never about my choice. My choice doesn't matter.” Henry got himself up to fetch them some drinks as this was starting to feel like that kind of a conversation where it was going to come to good use. Hans gladly took the tankard from him, looking outright panicked just talking about this. “It feels like I'm living a life that is not even mine.”

“But you got what you wanted out of it, right? Nothing comes free, you know. But I'd say that it's worth it.”

“Yeah… Only I'm beginning to question that now. I'm not sure if it's worth feeling like this. I'm just… numb.”

“Hans.”

“This trip has been the sole source of joy I've had in a long while. Like the clouds had finally lifted. Just a little. Just enough that I could almost forget the sorry life I lead.”

“Well, I sure as hell can drink to that.” Henry shook his head before he took a long drink from his tankard, all of this just making him so aware of his own life and everything that was wrong with it. He could definitely share the man's sentiment, not knowing when had been the last time he had actually gotten to think for himself.

Go here, go there, do this, do that. And like a mindless sheep, he did. Just so he didn't need to think about these things. About the fact that he was never really going to get the kind of life he so desperately wanted to have. They both had to settle for something that had been decided for them.

“I don't know what I'm going to do, Henry.”

“Let's just not worry about that now, okay? This worry might be all pointless anyway when we'll starve to death in no time if this storm never ends.”

“If only we could be that lucky.”

“Well, we could just hide away here until the end of times.” Henry smiled at the thought, even if they both knew it was only going to remain as such. “We could still run away.”

“Yeah. We could.” Hans let out a laugh, as much as it did come out a little forced. They both knew this to be pointless, for there really wasn't an easy way out of this situation. If there was any, to begin with.

“Perhaps in another life.”

Chapter 21: Confinement

It didn’t take all that long for this romantic getaway to start mirroring the feeling of being trapped together in a room back in Suchdol. At least Hans was able to take care of himself now, though Henry could start to feel that distance growing between them again. It was just like it always seemed to go, finally sitting down and getting real with the man. Just for them to pretend like no conversation had been had.

Of course he couldn’t put it all on Hans when he was the biggest part to blame. He just didn’t know how to deal with anything. And now the man had hit him with something so big that it simply felt like the safest thing to ignore it. 

It was so much easier to focus on their plan of getting out of the cabin, now that the storm had finally subsided. Even if that came with a certain sense of sadness as well, knowing they would part ways again. Maybe they just needed that time apart to remember just how precious this was. How fragile.

Right now they were just mostly getting on each other’s nerves, which no amount of fucking was going to fix when he could tell just how bad Hans was always feeling after the deed.

It couldn’t have been easy for him. Despite all his teasing, all the reckless behaviour, deep down Henry knew that Hans still had a strong sense of morality. And this didn’t exactly have a proper place in that.

While Hans was convinced they should just wait around because someone was bound to come to the rescue, Henry wasn’t pleased with that thought at all. He knew they could get by on their own. A few more days and Hans maybe got what he wanted but that would have also meant putting more people at risk, knowing this wasn’t exactly an easy feat.

Then again, there was nothing like hard work to make Hans so deathly afraid.

Henry on the other hand, he still had his honour.

“It’s past knee fucking deep outside, Henry.” It was the same song and dance again as Henry was packing up their supplies again. “Maybe you’re feeling suicidal but I on the other hand would like to wait for the help of someone who actually knows what they’re doing.”

“Because I’m so incompetent.” Henry let out a huff. Typical. “Got it.”

“That’s not what I said.”

“Was it not? For it sure as hell sounded to me like you don’t trust me and my abilities to get out of here.”

“All I’m trying to say is that you’re taking this way too lightly. I know you like to play the hero but in this case, it’s not going to get us too far.”

“And just sitting on our arses? That’s going to help?”

“You’re going to kill Pebbles first by exhaustion. And then you’re slowly going to kill yourself when you realise there’s no chance you’re getting out of here without her.” 

“Maybe that’s a risk worth taking.” Henry pressed, not liking the way the man was looking at him like he was the idiot here.

“A risk for fucking what, Henry?” Hans rubbed at his face in frustration. Henry knew already that they were toying the line of really hurting each other. That little shift in the man’s posture when he couldn’t quite keep himself collected. It spoke volumes. “Freedom from a day or two more with me? Just what are you running away from? Because I thought that this was supposed to be the one solace to that.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what I thought, too.”

“So you’re really willing to put it all on the line just to get away from me?”

“Thats’ not…” Henry sighed, not even knowing why he bothered with this. “I just wish you would trust me.”

“With my fucking life, Henry. But that’s not the question here. This is about your pride.”

“Fuck off.”

While it never felt like victory, it sure always ended the fight. Maybe for they both agreed that it was not worth it. Unfortunately, it just didn’t solve the problem of them both still feeling like shit.

It was impossible to give each other space when there just was none, both staying in their own corners without so much as a glare in each other’s direction. But god forbid if Henry wasn’t so painfully aware of the man’s presence. Just the thing that gave him so much turmoil in the first place.

It was just another wasted day, another step into making Hans’ plan come to life. Henry knew he had to do something. Even if that meant leaving by himself.

Perhaps that was the easiest solution to this to begin with, both getting what they wanted. It wasn’t like he owed the man anything anymore. It wasn’t his duty to keep him safe. And either way, he was the safest here anyway. 

Maybe Hans didn’t have that faith in him but the only person who had to have it was himself. 

Henry waited until the night fell to sneak around the cabin to collect just the little supplies he needed to make the trip, making sure to leave Hans most of the food when he felt confident enough that he would prove the man so wrong.

 He had walked to hell and back a hundred times, a little snow was just going to slow him down but hardly defeat him. The moment he got out of the forest was when he could sigh out of relief, knowing it would get easier once he was on a proper road. Perhaps he would even be able to run into the rescue on the way, being able to direct them to the right way. 

Of course, he didn’t make it too far with his plan when he heard that shifting coming from the bed, evidently not having been as quiet as he thought he had. Or perhaps Hans had simply pretended to be asleep the whole time. That was the way he dealt with most things like this.

“Henry.” Came the groggy voice, though Hans was up on his feet quick enough when he realised just what Henry was doing. “Just… slow down, okay?”

“No. I’m out of here. With or without you.”

“Fine.” Hans replied, taking Henry by surprise when this seemed a little too easy. “Then I’m coming with you.”

Ah. So there was a catch.

“And just what happened to over my dead body?”

“You’re not really giving me a choice.” Hans frowned, making Henry shake his head when of course he was. He had the free will to do as he pleased. To stay here. “But I know I would rather die with you than live without you.”

“Bet it took you all day to come up with that.”

“Maybe. That doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

Chapter 22: Perception

It didn’t take too long for Henry to consider the possibility that Hans might have been right after all, the horses struggling to get through the deep snow. Though knowing that they would have even harder of a time on foot, he did what he could to keep Pebble’s spirits up, even if his own was slowly but surely starting to dissipate. 

The other important thing was to make sure that Hans didn’t catch up on that, either. Henry still didn’t think the man was here on his own volition, as much as he had claimed so. He was just looking out for Henry as much as he was for him. Which just meant that despite this starting to seem hopeless, he could not afford to give up.

The ride was quiet, as was only expected when they both were starting to grow tired. They weren’t covering much distance at all, making his hands feel numb as he held the reins, still mumbling words of encouragement to Pebbles. It was the one thing that was keeping him alert, beyond the cold that was seeping right into his bones.

At least the storm had settled down, though the further away from the woods they got to more open areas, the wind was definitely starting to pick up. 

It was almost a little concerning that he had not heard a single complaint from Hans. He was simply riding alongside him in the quiet that was only disturbed by the wind howling, looking almost a little lost. 

Henry didn’t like the look of it. 

“Let’s just make a stop here. Build a fire and warm up for a moment.” He suggested, more so that he could properly investigate just what it was that was wrong with Hans. At least ruling out anything physical. Unfortunately, there was little that he could do about matters of other kinds. 

They rode out a bit further until they came across rocks big enough to provide them some cover from the wind, making everything a little easier to handle. 

Of course some things didn’t change, like him doing all the work as Hans just sat down and watched as he gathered everything for the fire and got it going. He knew it had little to do with the fact that the other didn’t know how, rather than the fact that he just couldn’t be bothered with it. There was just something different about him this time, something that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“Still holding up okay?” Henry poked a little as he added some sticks into the fire, warming up his hands over it with the little heat it was able to provide for them. How he found himself missing the cabin.

“Yes.” Came the reply that left much to be desired. But at least it wasn’t a no. 

“I honestly think we can make it before sundown.” Henry maybe wasn’t all that confident but the key was to at least pretend that he was. “The main road is not that far from here. It’s going to be so much easier to get through.”

The way he was only acknowledged by a short nod left Henry feeling a little nervous. While he wanted to push the other further, he also knew there was no time for things like this now. Whatever it was, it had to wait. Now they just had to focus on surviving.

Not that he could still quite stop himself from grabbing Hans’ hand into his own, giving it a soft squeeze just to offer him at least a bit of comfort. Understanding. Because in a way, he did understand.

It was easy being indifferent when one was ready to die.

Henry just wasn’t willing to accept the chance of that death falling upon him because of him. He knew it couldn’t be easy, knowing that what was waiting for him was a life that he didn’t even want to live, the only solace being the thought of them maybe meeting again. 

It was just all coming together for Henry, that sudden change of mind. Or just why he had been so insistent on waiting for the help to come.

He didn’t want to go back.

“At least next time it’s probably spring already.” Henry mused, maybe just to make sure the man knew that he held onto the promises he had made. Despite how disastrous they could get, all it took for him was moments like this to remember just why he had fallen for him. “Mm, I can already feel the sun on my skin.”

“You seem so convinced there is going to be a next time.”

“Well, one of us has to be.” Henry snorted, trying not to think too deeply into Hans’ words when there was so many things he could mean by them. 

Warming up for a little while longer, they finally agreed to keep on going, at least not feeling like he was going to lose his fingers anymore. 

Henry almost didn’t want to believe it when they caught sight of the road, perhaps all covered in snow like everything else, but Henry found that glimpse of genuine hope again. 

He gave Pebbles a good pat for a job well done, knowing the poor thing must have been exhausted. But there was still a long way for them to go. 

It just was far less laborious for all of them, the horses lighter on their hooves again without that constant struggle of forcing their way through the heavy snow.

The further along they got, the more Henry was starting to believe in himself and his ability to get them out of this mess.

The scenery that had been so nice on their way to the cabin was now all just a blanket of white, the sky grey and dull and trying its hardest to ruin his faith. He just wasn’t going to let it. He still had such important matters to tend to and all of those just had to do with Hans. He needed to make sure that he was alright. 

While he could not change his future, he could at least help him navigate through the present. 

There was still so much good left for him, all that he just needed a good reminder of. Henry just didn’t feel comfortable with the thought of leaving without making absolutely sure that he didn’t have anything to worry about. Like the possibility of the other leaving, one way or another.

“But I know I would rather die with you than live without you.”

He really was an idiot. There was no denying that now.

But an idiot that made them get to the final stretch of road, much to Hans’ disbelief. Perhaps whatever he was going through at the moment was still overpowered by the need to get indoors and warm up again. It was only human, that primal need to keep existing no matter what your mind might have whispered to you.

“Rattay.” Henry sighed as he could see the gates in the distance.“Rattay.” Hans replied in an echo. Perhaps for the first time of the day, Henry heard some sense of joy in his voice.

“Want to race me?” 

“Thought you would never ask.”

The horses might have not agreed with this too much but they were going to get their well deserved rest, still not wanting to believe they had actually made it through this hell. 

Just once, Henry let Hans beat him, just for the sake of seeing that hint of a smile on his lips as he joined him by the gate. Not that they were able to enjoy that moment for too long when they were ambushed by everyone coming to help them, getting off his horse and perhaps only now realising just how awful he was feeling.

 All that rush of being alive and safe was fading away, leaving him and his body with just the reality of just what they had been through. 

Feeling good enough about himself, he didn’t even refuse the help this time as he collapsed, letting himself get picked up again. This time he felt like the help was earned. 

Or maybe he was getting a little delirious.

 

Chapter 23: Distance

Henry blinked slowly into the room as he was waking up, for a brief moment thinking that he was back at the cabin. That perhaps their venture had all been nothing but a dream. He just felt so out of it, his head as heavy as the rest of his body as he tried to push himself to sit up. 

Thankfully enough, he quickly learned that they had indeed made it back. Just how he had gotten into his room might have been another question, not remembering much at all beyond finally reaching the gates. The relief that settled inside him.

That feeling was just as strong now, slowly but surely becoming aware of the safety of his surroundings. It was not something he got to enjoy all that often. It made the moment all the more special to him, especially given the fact that he clearly had broken into a fever.

Duties still called, that much was for sure. Which meant that he couldn’t allow himself more than a few days to recover from all of this. But even those few days were going to be more than enough, getting that rest that he so desperately needed. He just wished they had never left Rattay to begin with. Perhaps then things could have ended differently.

It was just that hard to think back and treasure the time they had together, when unfortunately the fighting of him and Hans outweighed all the good moments.

There was still so much to talk about before he left. All Henry could do was to hope that he was going to be able to get that moment with Hans.

Henry couldn’t deny just how worried he was, finding the man’s behaviour nothing but disturbing. He could not even bring himself to think about the possibility of Hans doing something to himself. Yet unfortunately, he had grown all too skilled at reading between the lines when it came to him.

Henry just wanted to help. Only he knew that in this case, there was not much that he was able to do.

He knew how Hans felt about the pregnancy and that just was something that was not going to change. Wishing for something to go wrong just felt malicious in a way that Henry didn’t feel comfortable with. 

Henry tried to catch Hans for a proper talk once he was back up on his feet, only for the man to purposefully avoid him. If anything, he was practically attached at the hip with Jitka whenever he saw him. It didn’t feel like anything but a bad attempt to rub it in his face. 

Having Hans upset at him was nothing new. Only this time around, things did feel a lot more dire. Sooner or later Henry had to leave and he could not do that without making absolutely sure he could pull the man out of the depths he was going into.

He knew exactly how it was. The hopelessness. The constant nagging voice in the back of his mind, reminding him of everything wrong with the world and himself. Waking up to the sweat and terror and just hoping there was a way to make it all stop.

There had been a way.

Hans.

He had always been there for him. Showing just how beautiful the world could be if he just opened his eyes. Now it was time for him to do the same for Hans.

Henry finally caught the man leaving the gates the next morning, clearly not wanting to be followed but that was just exactly what Henry was going to do. Even having left his horse behind, Hans still walked with the amount of determination for Henry to know he wasn’t just out for a mindless little stroll.

Having barely escaped the hell of it, here he was back again with just the trees and the snow surrounding him.

Hans finally made a stop at a river bank that had already frozen over, evidently just having wanted a moment to himself. Which Henry was going to ruin, possibly making things even worse in consequence. But he still knew he had to give it a proper shot.

“Still didn’t get enough of the wilderness experience?” Henry called out, making the man almost jump, though his face twisted quickly into a frown after the first moment of surprise.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“Yes. Probably.” Henry shrugged. “But you are a hard man to catch.”

“Well, might it have occurred to you that I didn’t want to be caught?” Hans unceremoniously sat down in the snow, crossing his arms without so much as giving a glance at his direction. 

Sometimes he really could be such a child.

“Obviously. But do you think I was going to let you go that easy?”

“Clearly not.” Hans let out a sigh, still pointedly looking into the distance. “So what the fuck do you want?”

“I’m sure you already know. Which is just why you’ve been avoiding me.” Henry pressed, taking a seat next to the other even if he could instantly feel so unwelcome. “You can’t just go all weird on me and then expect me to ignore that. You’re going through something. I get it. I really do. I just… wish you would talk to me.”

“Oh, so now you want to talk?” Hans scoffed. “Maybe I have said enough.”

“You’re… fading away. And that terrifies me. I know that right now you don’t believe that even I can understand you. Hell, I probably don’t. But don’t shut down on me like this.” Henry frowned, feeling so desperate to touch Hans but he tried his best to resist the urge. “Everything can go to shit. But I still need you.”

“That’s not exactly what you told me.”

“I say a lot of things I don’t mean.”

“So how can I possibly know that this is not one of them?”

“I was angry. Losing my damn mind being stuck there. You’re here, dutifully avoiding me. And you still say you can’t understand how I needed a break from you?”

“Right.” Hans finally turned to look at him. It was a start. “Point taken.”

“All I want is to understand what is going on with you. Something changed.”

“Yeah, I did.” Hans replied. “Somehow this dream of mine didn’t turn out to be all that I cut out for.”

“Maybe that’s because you were expecting it to fix everything. I know. That’s just what I thought, too. Once I get my revenge, I’m going to feel good again.” Henry shook his head. “It did feel good. For that moment.”

“All my life, I’ve wanted nothing more than this. Hell, I went through the biggest sham of a marriage to get here. A child that I don’t even want. It was all going to be worth it. That’s just what I kept telling myself.”

“It still could be that.” 

“No…” Hans’ voice fell quiet. “Not without you here.”

“I’ll be back again before you even know it.”

“You just… don’t get it. Everything goes wrong and you’re not here. There’s nobody for me to talk to. So I’m stuck with myself. Going in circles. Losing it. Then you finally come here and we’re just fighting.” 

“So what are you saying?”

“I want you to be my squire again.”