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"Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetie?"
"Does daddy not like me?"
You paused in hanging the laundry out to dry, looking over at your young daughter. She was almost an exact replica of her father, if he had been female, those big lilac eyes framed with long lashes and snowy white hair that tumbled in loose, messy waves past her shoulders. You turned and crouched to be eye level with her.
"Shizuya, why do you think Daddy doesn't like you?" You asked her gently. You knew for a fact that Sanemi adored his little girl, had seen the tears of joy that rolled down his cheeks the first time he held her in his arms, that soft smile that had caused you to fall in love with him in the first place. But he was, admittedly, kind of emotionally stunted. Years of battles and misery as a Demon Slayer had hardened him, made him cold and aloof to those that didn't know him. It was a wall to protect himself, one he let very few see past.
"It's just..." Shizuya hesitated a moment. "Sometimes... He looks at me and he gets teary-eyed... And I never hear him say 'I love you' back when I say it to him. He doesn't like to play with me, and he never smiles when I try to cheer him up... He won't give hugs or kisses...Did I do something wrong?" The little girl looked so lost and sad, it made your heart clench.
"Oh, honey... " You pull her into your arms, kissing the top of her head. "No, Shizuya, you've done nothing wrong. Your daddy does love you, very much so. He just...has trouble letting himself show how he feels."
"But why? I'm his daughter, right?" Shizuya asked worriedly.
"I can promise you; you're his daughter alright. You look just like him," you said, trying not to chuckle at that. "Shizuya, why haven't you talked with daddy about this? You know he'll listen to anything you have to say."
Shizu looked embarrassed and uncomfortable. "... he's scary..." She said quietly. You blink.
"Why is he scary?"
"...he looks mad all the time...and he gets so loud when he is mad..." Shizuya looked away. "...and he's got so many scars..."
"Shizuya--" you frowned, before feeling eyes on you and looking up. Your eyes briefly met dark lilac ones before they turned away and your husband's figure disappeared down the hall. Your heart broke--Sanemi had heard everything. There had been so much pain in his eyes, it made your heart break. That had been one of his biggest fears while you were pregnant. Sanemi had worried that his scars would scare his children, that they would think poorly of him because he was battered and worn. It had taken so much reassurance from you to get him to believe that that wouldn't be the case, and it made you feel guilty realizing that you may have been wrong.
"Shizuya, why do daddy's scars scare you?"
"Well...they don't scare me... But my friends say they make him look like a monster.... And their mommas say he shouldn't be around kids cuz he scares them..." She mumbled. A flare of anger hit you--not at your daughter, but at those other mothers who dared to speak so cruelly about your beloved husband. Those scars were a show of his bravery and will to survive. They didn't know how soft and loving your husband was, how happy he had been when he learned six years ago that he was going to be a father, how he had wept when he told you he wished his little brother was there to celebrate with him, that he would have been a wonderful uncle to your child. You would definitely be having some words with those women later. Right now, though, you had damage control; you needed to find your husband and keep him from spiraling.
You sighed softly and kissed the top of Shizuya's head. "Sweetheart, there is no reason to be scared of your daddy. He would never, ever hurt you, or me, or any brothers or sisters you end up having. He loves you, so, so much. You are his Little Spark. I promise, he doesn't ever intend to scare you or make you feel nervous. If you talk to him about how you feel, I'm sure he'd appreciate knowing what's making you feel this way."
Shizuya looked unsure. "...you sure he won't be mad at me?"
"I promise. He won't be mad at you," you reassured her. "How about I talk to daddy first? That way he knows what's going on, okay?" Shizuya hesitated for a moment, then nodded, she'd be okay with that. You smiled and kissed her forehead. "You keep playing, okay? I'll be right back."
"Okay, momma."
You stood up and untied your apron, tossing it into the laundry basket before you hurried inside the estate to find your husband. You found him in your shared bedroom, on the porch that led out to the private inner gardens, staring out at the koi fishpond. You padded over and knelt beside him. " Sanemi? Talk to me, love..."
He said nothing at first, just staring blankly ahead, but his throat was working, like he was swallowing painfully. "... she's scared of me." It came out as a whisper, cracking halfway through. " My own daughter is scared of me...she doesn't think I love her...what happened? Did I do something wrong?" His voice broke on the last word, and you quickly wrapped your arms around him tightly, letting him bury his face into your neck.
"Oh baby... You've done nothing wrong, Sanemi. You're a wonderful father. Shizuya is young, she doesn't understand that you just show your love differently. She loves you and looks up to you."
"I scare my own daughter, (Y/n). How many fathers scare their own child just by existing?!"
You soothed him, tears starting to well up in your own eyes feeling the warm dampness on your shoulder. He had wrapped his arms around you so tightly, like he was afraid that if he didn't, you'd just disappear and leave him all alone.
"I'm pretty sure there's an outside influence for that and I plan on rectifying that soon. But right now, I need you to listen to me, and listen carefully, okay?" You spoke gently, but firmly. "Our little girl is a bright and opinionated little girl who is learning how the world works. She's never had a reason to understand why you guard yourself because she is safe and loved and has never known the same hardships you have."
Sanemi drew a shuddering breath, but you knew he was listening to you. He always did. "She's too young to understand the full extent of what that means, but your daughter is so, so smart. If you talk to her, let her ask her questions and worries, you can answer some of the unspoken questions she has. I know you love her, probably more than you love me if we’re being fair here--" a cracked chuckle left him at that. "--and you're doing your best. But you can open up a little around her. Let her see the sweet and caring man I fell in love with. Let her see how much you love her. Teach her that just because you don't or can't do what typical fathers do with their kids, it doesn't mean you love her any less."
Sanemi sniffled a little and he turned his head a little to press a soft kiss against the side of your neck. "...You're too good for me."
"I'm not. I'm just exactly what you need," you replied with a small smile. "I do need to have a talk with some of the women around here though and give them a lesson on keeping their fat mouths shut about my husband." Yeah, you were still incensed about that. "So, while I deal with that, why don't you and Shizuya have a talk. Okay? You can be vulnerable to her, Sanemi. She's half you, after all."
Sanemi nodded and you pulled back just enough to kiss him on the lips sweetly. "I love you. Sit tight." You pushed to your feet and went to retrieve Shizuya, ushering the little girl to where her father was waiting and promising she could talk with him, he wasn't going to get mad at her. Then you went hunting.
~
Shizuya stood in the doorway of her parents' room, hesitant on entering and approaching the white-haired man that shared so many of her characteristics. He was sitting on the porch by the fishpond, silent with his back to her. When he spoke, his rough, raspy growl of a voice quietly called her name and beckoned her over. She hesitated, then shuffled over to him. Her father was not a small man--he stood over most men at 5'10 and was pretty much pure muscle, with a neutral face that looked more like a scowl and an intimidating aura. As she approached, he turned his head slightly towards her, the scarred side facing her. She had never really been scared of his scars, they were just a part of him, but neither of her parents had told her where he had gotten them or why he had so many. Just that she'd learn one day when she was older. But her friends often were frightened by her father's appearance, and older kids picked on her for having a 'monster' for a dad.
"Come sit by me, Shizuya." His voice was softer than usual, the normal growl tamed, like he was trying to avoid frightening her. She walked over to carefully sit beside her father, looking up at him. He was watching her from the corner of his eye, identical pools of deep lilac taking in everything, before looking back out towards the pond.
They were quiet for a while, just sitting there and staring unseeingly at the koi pond. Then he spoke again.
"...Shizuya, why do you think I don't like you?"
She fidgeted, twisting her fingers. "...it just feels like I bug you sometimes. You don't smile or tell me that you love me or even give me a hug... I'm sorry if I do bug you. Yagi says I'm too loud and act like a boy, so that's why you don't like me..."
"Really now? How would he know anything about me?" Sanemi asked. "He doesn't live here, does he?"
"Well, no, but he said his dad knows about you and that he doesn't understand why momma would want to be married to some thug..."
"Really now." Seemed he would be having a talk with Yagi's dad later. He sighed and shifted his position, reaching over and picking his daughter up with ease, sitting her on his lap. "I'm sorry that I made you feel like I don't like you. That's not the case at all. I love you very much."
Shizuya tilted her head back to look up at her father. He was looking out at the pond again. "Then...why don't you treat me like the other kids’ dads treat them?" She asked unsurely. "Their dads play with them and hug them all the time...they go out and do stuff together. But we don't do any of that..."
Sanemi was quiet as he mulled this over. He knew he could be emotionally stunted at times, hell the first few times his wife had cried in front of him, he had frozen and internally panicked because he had no idea how to handle emotions from other people. He had been very involved when Shizuya was a baby, almost as paranoid and careful with her as (Y/n) had been. But as Shizuya gained more independence, he had pulled back.
"...I guess...I didn't want you to feel like I was suffocating you. Your momma is very good at making sure you are safe and taken care of, I didn't want you to feel like having two people doing that was too much," he said quietly, glancing down at his daughter. " You're a very smart and independent little girl. I didn't think you needed me as much."
"Well momma is smart and independent, and she still needs you for things," Shizuya said, and he couldn't help smiling a bit at that, chuckling quietly.
"She does. But she's my wife. Just like how she needs me for certain things, I'll always need her for other things. You're my daughter, and you're not a baby anymore. I didn't think you needed me as much as you need your mom," he said.
"But... You're my daddy. Why wouldn't I need you?" Shizuya asked.
"That's a very good question. And it's not one I really know the answer to, " he admitted.
"So....I don't bug you?"
"Of course not."
"So why don't we do things together like other kids and their dads?"
Sanemi considered that question. She wasn't going to understand how much old wounds and scars ached and stung at times, or that there were days he was exhausted because of his nights being full of nightmares and flashbacks. That sometimes even the slightest brush of a touch against his skin was too much and overstimulated him.
Little hands holding his right hand brought him back out of his thoughts. Shizuya was inspecting the nubs that had once been his index and middle fingers, little fingers touching the gnarled scars. It had been a bit of an adjustment at first, but now he barely even noticed the missing digits.
"...sometimes," he finally spoke again, voice soft. "It's difficult to act like a normal person. That includes being a normal dad, too. Those are the days that momma has to help."
"Momma says that those days you need to meditate a lot and rest, because your body and your brain hurts," she said.
"That's right. And it would be unfair to take that pain out on you or anyone else around us. Sometimes, even on good days, going out into the crowd is uncomfortable. It's easier to not leave the house unless I need to, " Sanemi explained carefully. "It's not because I don't want to do the normal stuff dads do. It's that sometimes, I just can't."
"... Even giving hugs?"
Sanemi nodded. "Even hugs to your momma."
"Oh... that's pretty bad, then." Sanemi had to keep from chuckling, she had said that so matter-of-factly. Made sense, she had never seen him turn away an embrace from (Y/n) and sometimes just pulled his wife into a hug without prompting. He'd never turned Shizuya away either when she initiated the contact, he just didn't give her hugs unprompted.
"Shizuya, I don't ever want you to think I don't like or love you. You and your momma are my world. You mean everything to me. I don't always show that. I know I can be cold at times. But don't ever doubt for a minute that I don't still love you two," Sanemi said gently. "I'm not used to being open with my feelings. It's something I'm trying to fix. But you can always come to me, no matter what. If you need help, or comfort, or just want a hug. Even on my bad days, you can always come to me. And I'll try to remember that even as smart and independent as you are now, you still need me too."
Shizuya gave him that sweet smile he adored that made the dimples in her chubby cheeks stand out, something that hadn't changed since the day she was born. It was a smile that still made his heart melt. "Okay, daddy. I love you!"
Sanemi smiled in return, and he kissed her forehead. "I love you, too, Little Spark."
~
It had been almost two hours before you returned home, a little scuffed and breathless, but looking quite pleased with yourself. You found your husband and daughter sitting at the table with a puzzle, Shizuya carefully explaining how the toy worked while Sanemi watched with a faint smile and look of contentment. It made you smile, and you caught his eye as you slipped past to head to the bedroom. He raised his brows at your state of disarray, and you just gave him a smile and a wink before disappearing down the hall. It wasn't until Shizuya was down for the night that Sanemi finally addressed it. "Spill it. What did you do?"
You were horrible about keeping a straight face or looking innocent. "No idea what you mean, love."
"Don't try that shit with me, it's never worked and you're a horrible liar," Sanemi's tone was amused.
"Rude," you sniffle in feigned haughtiness, even though you were grinning. "But if you must know, I had a good talk with the moms of some of Shizuya's friends."
"Just a talk, huh."
"Yup. Just. A. Talk," you said, grin growing wicked.
"You did something mean."
"No, I just made sure that karma got what she was owed," you said with a slightly evil chuckle. Sanemi wondered how the hell his sweet, gentle wife had such a mean streak. "They were talking shit about my gorgeous, amazing husband and that had to be rectified."
Sanemi rolled his eyes at your praise, even though it still made him blush. You had never been shy about how attractive you thought he was, had never shied away from his scars and bad attitude, and even now after ten years together, you still looked at him like he was the sun in your sky. "Flattery will get you nowhere. Rectify how?"
"Flattery got me pregnant, so better try that again," you said slyly, and he blushed hard, shooting you a half-hearted glower. "I basically told them that if I ever hear them or their little brats call you a monster again, I'd make sure every dirty little secret, every affair, every lie they had ever uttered was public knowledge and they'd be down a mouthful of teeth."
'Vindictive and mean as ever,' he thought to himself, shaking his head in amusement. It wasn't often that you lost your temper, but involving those you loved was a surefire way to rile it up.
"Well...I guess I have no room to talk. It seems I need to have a talk with the father of one of Shizuya's little friends," he drawled with a chuckle.
"It's Yagi, isn't it?" You chuckled. He gave you a look. "Yeah, his dad's an absolute tool. Told me I should leave you for a real man instead of staying with some thug. Told him at least my thug knew how to please a woman. "
Sanemi nearly choked on his tea from the snort of laughter that made him inhale it up his nose. "You didn't."
"Oh, I absolutely did. And it was glorious," you cackled.
"You're a menace, you know that?"
"I do! And you love it."
Sanemi smiled and laughed a little. "Every part of it."