Work Text:
Five Times Clint Waited for the Other Shoe to Drop and the One Time He Realized it Never Would
I.
To say that Clint was surprised when Phil asked him out would be putting it lightly. He was so surprised that he didn't even hesitate to say yes. He would never forget the way Phil grinned at him in that soft, sure way and said he'd pick him up at seven. He also wouldn't forget the panic that shot through him when Phil walked away. That panic was always tucked away in the back of his mind and was the reason that it had been four years since he had agreed to go on a date with anyone.
As he walked back to his quarters to shower and get ready, he thought about what he had just agreed to. He didn't know if he was ready for a relationship and all the pain, anger and violence that, in his experience, came with it. He had stood by and watched as his father beat his mother, Barney beat the girls that he managed to suck into the circus life and of course he would never forget his one and only relationship. His hand reflexively touch the scar on his ribs from where he'd been sliced open with one of his own arrows by his ex, James. That had been the final straw. At the hospital he got stitched up and when James left to get some food, he slipped away and didn't look back. He stopped at their old place just long enough to get some clothes and his bow and then hopped a bus to New York City.
He shook his head to clear his thoughts. This was Phil, sweet, funny Phil Coulson. He wouldn't hurt him...as long as Clint didn't give him a reason. He was older now and knew what to say to avoid conflict. The smile slipped back on his face and he went to get ready for his date.
The date went even better than he had expected. They went to a small Italian place that had the best pizza Clint had ever tasted and talked and laughed and ate until the place closed. Phil insisted on footing the bill and Clint felt his nerves flare up in spite of himself. He knew what would be expected of him when they got back to his place and for once he wasn't dreading it. Phil surprised him once again by gently rejecting his invitation to come inside. Instead he gave Clint a brief kiss on the lips and asked him out on a second date. Clint didn't even notice his panic when he agreed.
II.
They were six months into their relationship and things were progressing quickly. Clint hadn't messed up yet and he was actually happy for once. Of course, all good things must come to an end. Phil asked Clint to move into his apartment over dinner and against his better judgment, Clint said yes. He didn't have much as far as possessions go so he was packed up and into Phil's apartment within a day.
That night he barely slept. He was used to having his own space and even though he had stayed the night with Phil many times before, he knew that this was different. When he finally did manage to sleep, he was restless and he woke up feeling even more drained than he had when he went to sleep. He went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and Phil was already there, dressed and ready for the day, reading a newspaper and eating breakfast.
"I was wondering when you'd get up," Phil said, not looking up from his paper.
Clint felt himself tense up. "Sorry, I had a hard time sleeping last night," he replied carefully.
Phil put his paper down and looked at Clint. "I know, you woke me up more than once."
Clint felt the blood drain from his face. His first true mistake and he hadn't even realized he was making it. He fished around for the right words, the right excuse but all he managed to come up with was a choked "I'm sorry."
Phil frowned and Clint felt the bile rise in his throat. Everything in him screamed at him to leave, to run away again but Clint knew that wasn't an option. Phil was with SHIELD, he'd find him and things would be so much worse. Running always made things worse.
"Clint, are you okay? Was it a nightmare? Did you want to talk about it?" Phil asked softly.
"I'm fine, I'm sorry for waking you up. It won't happen again, I swear," Clint said. Phil didn't sound angry but that didn't necessarily mean he wasn't. Some of his worst beatings had happened when James seemed perfectly calm. Phil didn’t seem convinced but didn’t pursue it.
“I have to leave for work soon. Did you want to ride in with me or are you staying home today?” he asked.
“I need to shower and then I’ll be ready to come in with you,” Clint replied and Phil nodded.
“Go ahead, I’ll wait,” he said, picking his paper back up.
Clint slipped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He knew it wouldn't stop Phil if he decided to come in to punish him for last night but it was reassuring anyway. He turned the shower on as hot as he could stand it and showered as quickly as he could. He wasn't going to give Phil any more reasons to be angry with him.
Ten minutes later he was dressed and ready to go. The ride to SHIELD was quiet but not uncomfortably so and when they parted ways, he felt himself relax. Phil wouldn't beat him here, not when there were people everywhere who could see, even if he did deserve it. He knew he'd have to be more careful now that they were living together but he hadn't expected to mess up so badly on the first night. He resolved to do better so this never happened again.
III.
Clint's next mistake came just two weeks after the first. He had just gotten home from a four day long mission with Natasha. She had been discovered as a spy and they had barely made it out. He dropped his bow case on the ground next to the bed, sprawled out on top of the covers fully clothed and fell into a deep sleep. He woke up to a loud thump and a louder shout and was immediately up and turning on the light. Phil was standing next to Clint's bow case, clutching his foot tightly.
"Great place to keep your bow, Clint," Phil said through clenched teeth.
Clint felt panic creeping into every corner of his mind as he began to ramble, "I thought you'd be at work, I didn't mean to sleep as long as I did, I'm sorry, I should have put it up but I was so tired and-"
"Relax, I know you didn't mean to almost break one of my toes. Just get it out of the way please?" Phil asked, moving to the bed to take his sock off and survey the damage. Clint slipped to his knees and slid the case under the bed.
"I'm so sorry, Phil," he said, ashamed at the fear in his voice.
Phil frowned down at him. "Why are you acting like this?" he asked.
Clint felt sick. Phil was right of course, he had no right to fear this, not when it was his own fault for being so careless. "I'm sorry, I know I messed up," Clint said.
Phil sighed. "You were exhausted, it wasn't your fault. I read the report and I'm proud of you. You did really well to get yourself and Natasha out of there the way you did."
Clint nodded but didn't speak. There was no excuse for leaving his bow on the floor for Phil to trip over.
"Come up here with me," Phil said, moving to lean back against the headboard of the bed. Clint obeyed, sitting stiffly on the edge. Phil wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back to rest against his chest. "You didn't do anything wrong, you know. I should have been looking where I was going. Stop beating yourself up over it, I'm not even hurt," he said softly.
Clint nodded again, not really believing Phil but knowing better than to argue.
"Try to go back to sleep," Phil said as he rubbed Clint's back, "You missed out on a lot of it during the mission and it's late."
Clint reached out to turn off the light then settled back into Phil's arms. He didn't understand why Phil hadn't beaten him over the bow case. If that had happened with James...he shivered at the thought. Phil moved next to him and Clint tensed, waiting for the first blow to fall. He felt the mattress move as Phil climbed out and then the blankets under him shift as he got into bed properly.
"Get under the covers with me," he said, and Clint did. Phil held him close and touched his arms, his chest, his back, as he spoke. "When they told me that the mission had gone bad I was so scared. The thought of ever losing you makes me sick. I love you, Clint."
Clint had been drifting off despite his fears but when he heard Phil's last words, his eyes shot open.
"You what?" he asked.
"I love you," Phil said again.
Clint turned to face Phil. "I love you, too," he said softly. The smile that Phil gave him could have lit up a room.
"You have no idea how happy you make me," Phil whispered before pressing his lips to Clint's for a long, slow kiss. "Now sleep. We can talk more in the morning."
Clint cuddled up next to him, mind racing. He had been careless but nothing bad had happened. Of course, there was still the possibility that their "talk" would involve fists. Clint almost hoped it would. As much as he hated it, beatings and harsh words were what he understood. This new thing with Phil? This was all new territory. He heard Phil's heavy, even breathing as he slept and rolled on his side to try to get more comfortable. Even still, sleep was a long time coming.
IV.
They were nine months into their relationship, naked and well on their way to sex when Phil brought up the topic of topping.
"You want me to bottom?" Clint asked.
"Yeah, if you want to. I don't want you to feel pressured, I just thought it might be something to try," Phil replied.
Clint ignored the fear pooling in the pit of his stomach and said, "Sure."
Phil grinned at him and pushed him over onto his back. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this," he said.
He reached for the lube on the bedside table and coated two of his fingers. He pressed the tip of one finger against Clint's hole and rubbed some of the lube into it.
"Just relax, if it hurts, I'll stop," Phil said soothingly.
Clint nodded at him and took a deep breath as Phil eased the tip of his finger in. It didn't hurt, wasn't even uncomfortable but Clint felt himself begin to panic anyway. Phil added a second finger and began to work them in and out, scissoring them. Clint closed his eyes and swallowed around the lump in his throat.
Suddenly he wasn't with Phil anymore. He was back with James, spread on his back like the whore he was, praying that this didn't last long because he was still sore from the last time. He felt a third finger being added and whimpered softly in fear. He didn't want this, didn't want the pain. He tried to move away, to escape, even though he knew that would make things worse. He felt the fingers withdraw from inside him and he turned onto his side, trying to protect his stomach and ribs from the beating he knew was coming.
"Clint, what's wrong? Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, I should have gone slower," he heard a voice say. He frowned, that didn't sound like James. Had he been loaned out again? But none of them ever used his real name. He opened his eyes and looked up. It took him a minute before he realized where he was.
"Phil," he said hoarsely, uncurling slightly.
Phil looked so guilty, Clint could hardly stand it. "I'm so sorry for hurting you, Clint. I should have never asked you to do this," he said.
"You didn't hurt me. It was just a little overwhelming. You can keep going," Clint said. Phil asked so little of him and gave so much. There was no way he could deny him this one thing.
"I hurt you, Clint. You're crying, that's not okay," Phil said.
Clint reached up to touch his face and was surprised to see that Phil was right. "Phil, really, it's okay, you can fuck me. I don't mind," Clint said.
Phil shook his head and lay down next to Clint on the bed. "I can't, Clint. Not after this. Can you just tell me what I did wrong, though? When did it start to hurt? Was I too rough? Too fast?"
"No, nothing like that," Clint said.
"Well what was it then?" Phil asked.
"Do we have to talk about this?"
Phil frowned. "Not if you don't want to. I just want to know what I did wrong."
"You didn't do anything wrong. I just wasn't ready I guess. Did you want to try again?" Clint asked.
"No, not tonight, let's just go to sleep. I'm pretty tired," Phil said.
Clint reached to turn out the light and then curled up against Phil's side. It had been a long time since he'd had any sort of a flashback. He thought he'd gotten over it by now. More surprising than that was the fact that Phil wasn't even mad. He had actually been worried that he did something wrong. Clint didn't understand what was going on at all. In the nine months they had been together, he had done so many things that would have gotten him beaten by James or worse and Phil hadn't done anything. He was starting to wonder if he had everything all wrong, if this is what a normal relationship was like. Or if maybe Phil was just waiting for the right time to hurt him.
V.
On their one year anniversary, Phil made reservations to take Clint back to the Italian restaurant where they had their first date. They had planned to meet at the apartment at six so they had plenty of time to make their reservation at seven. It was seven twenty and Clint still wasn’t home. Phil had tried calling his cell several times but it was off. He was getting ready to call in a favor from a guy at SHIELD to have it traced when Clint walked in. He glanced up at the clock and saw that half an hour had passed since he last checked.
"Where were you?" Phil demanded.
Clint looked up, startled. "I was at work," he replied nervously, setting down his bag.
"I take it you forgot our anniversary plans tonight?" Phil asked.
Clint paled. "I did, I forgot. I'm so sorry, Phil. Fury asked me to train a few new recruits who have never used a bow and I said yes. Dinner completely slipped my
mind," he said.
Phil was angrier than Clint had ever seen him. He started towards Clint and Clint started slowly backing away.
"Damn it, Clint! Do you have any idea how worried I was? Your cell was off and I had no idea where you were! You're almost two hours late!" Phil yelled. Clint cringed.
"I messed up, I know. I'm so sorry, Phil. I swear I won't do it again. Please, just give me another chance. Let me make it up to you, please," Clint begged.
He started walking faster now, desperate to get away and tripped over his discarded bag.
"Clint, stop!" Phil said as he walked towards him but Clint didn't listen.
He couldn't do this now, not after all this time being safe. He couldn't just let Phil beat him, even though he deserved it. He scrambled back until he hit a wall and he turned around to see exactly where he was. The door to their room was right there. If he could just get in and lock the door, he could be out the window before Phil had time to pick the lock. He reached out to grab the handle but Phil was there first and grabbed his hand.
"What is going on, Clint?" he asked.
"I fucked up, I always fuck up. I try not to but I do and you're always so calm but not now. I fucked up so bad and I know I deserve it but I just don't know if I can do it," Clint said.
Phil frowned in confusion. "You deserve it? Deserve what?" he asked.
Clint felt bile rising in his throat as he choked out, "A beating."
Phil started at the words, unable to believe what he was hearing. "Why would you think that?" he asked.
"I keep doing things wrong. Waking you up and leaving my stuff out for you to trip on and not letting you fuck me even though I know you want to and now I ruined our plans. I just want to be good, Phil. I've been trying so hard and you've been so lenient but now I ruined everything," Clint said. He realized he was crying and quickly tried to wipe the tears away. Crying only ever made things worse.
"Jesus, Clint, no! I would never, ever hurt you. I love you. You've been worried about this the whole time? Thinking that I'd hurt you?"
Clint nodded.
Phil was going to be sick. All this time and Clint had been terrified that Phil was going to beat him.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Phil asked.
"What was I supposed to say?" Clint asked.
For that, Phil had no answer. Instead he sat down next to Clint and pulled him into his lap to hold him.
"We'll get through this. I love you and I would never hurt you. I know you probably don't believe me yet and you don't have to but I swear, Clint, I will prove it to you. I don't care how long it takes," Phil said.
Clint didn't say anything. He knew that Phil was telling the truth, even if it was hard for him to believe. If he could trust anyone, it was Phil Coulson.
+1
In the end, it took eight months for Clint to stop the automatic panic when he did something wrong. He didn't even realize he'd gotten so much better until he knocked Phil's cup off the table at breakfast one morning. He cursed softly and got a rag to wipe up the orange juice and when he came to sit back down, Phil was smiling widely at him.
"Why are you smiling at me like that?" Clint asked suspiciously.
"Because you spilled my drink," Phil replied happily.
"Okay...so what? You didn't like the new juice or something?" Clint asked, going back to his toast.
"So you're okay. You didn't even flinch," Phil said.
Clint froze and looked up at Phil.
"I'm fine," he said, eyes wide.
"Yes, you really are," Phil said.
Clint leaned in for a kiss and Phil returned it eagerly. "I'm so proud of you," he said as they separated for air. Clint grinned and pulled him in for another kiss.
“It’s because of you, you know,” Clint said when they pulled apart the second time.
“Because of me? What do you mean?” Phil asked.
“You’re so sweet and so patient. Anyone else would have given up but you didn’t,” Clint said.
Phil smiled. “Believe me, it was worth it.”