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The sky was grey, the pavement was wet and if you asked Harry he would tell you that it smelt a little bit like sadness and felt a whole lot like his mood.
Days like this dragged on, days where the blinding flashes of a camera weren’t there to numb you for a bit, where you didn’t have interviews and gigs to distract you from yourself, days that gave you time to think, days that you had to get out and move before you were crushed and paralyzed under the agonizing feeling of being alone.
Days like this were worse for Harry because his mind was his own worst enemy and anywhere he went magazine covers, and people that recognised him were there to feed the beast that was already always there telling him and reminding him of what he didn’t have.
Being a part of something so large had its benefits, he had made four amazing friends and he could treat his family to everything that they deserved, but it also had its downfalls.
He couldn’t sleep the day away if he felt like it without his phone alerting him that he was needed for something.
He couldn’t hang out with his friends without being papped and bothered about whether his friend was his latest shag.
Worst of all, he couldn’t mope around about his unrequited love and pining when the soul purpose of his pathetic love life was one room over fooling around with the tinkling keys on the piano, lounging on the couch watching footy in a jumper that swallowed him whole, failing to make an actual cup of tea in the kitchen, or nuzzling his way under Harry’s covers for a cuddle.
~
When Harry opened the door to his and Louis’ shared flat he could hear the soft sound of the Grande piano being played upstairs indicating that Louis was definitely home and Harry’s heart is definitely beating lighter and faster.
He set his keys down and made his way up their spiral staircase and down the hall to the room that was reserved specifically for their instruments. Harry himself had his guitars in there, sheet music, and there was even a recording booth in the corner furthest from the door. Louis had a grande piano that sat in the middle of the wide space that would usually be lit up by the tall windows. Today though as Harry opened the door and peaked his head in he found Louis with the drapes pulled shut and the space dimly lit with one of the lamps in the room.
The atmosphere could only be described as soft. The room had shadows cast where light didn’t quite reach. It was warm, the light only wrapped itself around what needed to be seen, the rest was hidden in the dark. Most importantly the soft sound of music drifted throughout the room. It was like art, Harry thought. Only the most important things were on display, nothing to take away from the music that Louis was creating. Nothing took away from Louis.
There was no harsh light to make his skin seem more pale, there were no fake smiles covering his face, there we no tense shoulders keeping himself in check. There was only eyelashes casting the softest shadows on his cheeks and a small serene smile on his lips as his fingers continued their delicate dance on the black and white keys that didn’t seem to contrast so harshly in the soft glow.
It felt like Louis, and Harry found himself getting lost in the moment as he watched the person he loved most so comfortable and happy to just be.
Harry didn’t notice the notes of whichever piece Louis had been playing come to a delicate close until he felt a light touch on his shoulder.
He opened his eyes to see Louis standing in front of him with a blinding smile that made his eyes lights of their own. Harry could pick out every gold fleck in his seemingly endless blue eyes and he smiled to himself because he was lucky enough to get to know the things that made up this Louis. The one that wasn’t played up or trying to impress anyone, but the one that was reserved for the people he was closest to, the one that didn’t have to have his walls up because Harry had already taken them down long ago, and yeah that’s something that makes Harry return Louis’ bright smile.
“Hey.” Louis said quietly since it was only for Harry’s ears.
“Hi.”
“So, did you like it?” Louis asked and he gestured over to the piano.
“Yeah, it was beautiful Lou. Was it that piece you’ve been trying to finish for a while now?” Harry walked across the room leaving Louis standing by the door. He took a seat on the plush couch that they kept in the room and curled up under a blanket.
“Yeah, did you want to hear it all? You don’t have to obviously it’s just I could use some criticism, yeah?”
Harry gave Louis a fond smile and nodded his head yes, because he would do anything for Louis, and Louis didn’t even have to ask but he did anyways and for some reason it made Harry happy to think that Louis needed him just as much sometimes.
Louis padded across the room in bare feet and took his place back on the piano bench. Harry watched as he tugged on his too large jumper and crinkled his nose when he put his hands on the keys and accidentally pressed one he hadn’t planned. He looked back and Harry gave him a sweet smile and he swore he saw a little blush on Louis’ golden cheekbones but he couldn’t blame Louis, he always got a bit nervous when he played an original for anyone too.
Harry sighed contentedly and rested his head on the couch’s arm rest and let the soft notes flow from the piano to his heart where they warmed him up from the inside out, helping him to forget about why he was even upset before.
Everything about Louis was beautiful, and in that moment Harry swore that the music he was creating was only an extension of Louis himself. It wrapped Harry up and even though it wasn’t Louis physically touching him he was radiant and Harry thought that maybe if he always had Louis like this then he could be happy forever.
~
“Haz?”
Harry looked up from where he had been reading in bed to see Louis standing in the doorway with two cups of tea. He was dressed in a t-shirt that was 2 sizes too big for him – probably one of Harry’s – and his plaid pajama bottoms. Harry wanted to hold him close, and he planned on doing just that. He closed his book and took off his reading glasses before moving over to the side of the bed and lifting up one of the corners as an invitation to Louis.
Louis smiled from the door way and shuffled across the room, he set the two cups down on the side table and got under the covers, relishing in the warmth Harry had left.
“Mm, I brought you a tea.”
“Thanks Lou, want me to put on a movie?” Louis got comfy under the massive king sized comforter, picked up his tea taking a long soothing sip and then nodded at Harry.
The bed was large enough that both of them could have easily sprawled out and taken their own sides but naturally they were curled up in the middle. It was warm they would both argue if someone questioned them, but no one was there with judgemental or prying eyes so instead they kept close and absorbed the fuzzy feeling crawling into their bones.
Louis nuzzles at Harry’s shoulder with his nose and Harry giggles a bit because it’s so Louis to not verbally ask for things. He never wants to seem needy and Harry remembers a time when he hadn’t pulled back all of Louis’ layers yet and Louis would tip toe lightly around Harry always making sure he wasn’t annoying or over bearing, what Louis didn’t know was that Harry wanted him around as much as Louis wanted to be around and it was through a silent agreement that they just fell into the sort of life they have now and their own secret language of soft touches and meaningful looks. So a little nuzzle to the shoulder and cold toes poking at Harry’s calf is Louis’ way of saying he wants a cuddle but doesn’t really know how to ask for it, and Harry setting Louis’ tea cup down on the side table along with his own and lifting his arm for Louis to crawl under is Harry’s way of saying that of course you can have a cuddle you insufferable twat.
“Soft.” Louis mumbles into Harry’s bear chest, his hot breath leaving goose bumps on Harry’s exposed skin.
“Wow Lou, you’re impressive vocabulary never fails to astound me.” Harry laughs and pokes Louis in the ribs getting a laugh out of Louis as well.
Harry likes this. He likes the way they melt together. He likes the way he can fold Louis up in his arms and keep him safe from the hatred in the world during times like these. He knows that life has been harsh on the both of them lately, what with modest not being so fond of their clinginess and forcing them a part so much. Harry knows that the judgments get to Louis more than he lets on, he knows that the smiles he puts on for work aren’t real.
So yeah, Harry likes this. He likes the twinkling noise of Louis’ laugh and he likes the creases that form around his eyes.
He likes the way Louis will scrunch up his nose and poke his tongue out at Harry when Harry tries to get a laugh out of him. He just really likes Louis and he likes that they fit together so seamlessly, because if they didn’t Harry doesn’t know what he would do.
“Shut up, pillows don’t talk.” Louis squeezes Harry harder around the waist and rubs his head on Harry’s chest like a kitten would.
Harry looks at Louis with the utmost adoration and runs his long fingers through his hair tugging every once in a while when he reaches a knot Louis must have missed after his shower earlier.
His hair is soft and it’s times like these that Harry loves how clingy Louis is because he loves being able to feel his silky hair fall through his fingers and he loves the way Louis absentmindedly draws on his skin while he watches the movie completely unaware of the way Harry’s heart is swelling at the moment.
“That piano piece really is beautiful Lou.” Harry says thinking back to earlier how Louis had seemed so sheepish after playing the full piece and wanting to assure Louis that he’s every bit as perfect as Harry thinks and so is everything he does.
Louis stops drawing on Harry’s skin for a brief moment before and continuing and looking up at Harry from where his head is on his chest.
“You really thought so?” he says searching Harry’s face, and it’s ridiculous really because Harry would never lie to him about something like that because he knows how important Louis’ music is to him.
“Really Lou, it was gorgeous. I loved it.” He holds back the, “and I love you” he’s thinking and twirls the hair at the nape of Louis’ neck.
“Thanks H, I uh wrote some lyrics too but I don’t know if they really do the set justice.” He moves his head back down so that he’s not looking at Harry’s face but his ear is resting over his heart and he can hear the steady rhythm he loves so much. A constant beat reminding him his favourite person is this close to him. That as long as that beat keeps steady so does his life. Louis has always thought that Harry was his beat and he was the melody. He’s always changing and weaving but Harry is constant and strong. Louis thinks maybe they’re like a really beautiful song.
“Well, I can always check it out but I’m sure you’ve created something great. You always do.”
Louis’ heart flutters a little at the praise. Harry is always so gentle with him and he loves the dynamics of their relationship. He loves how delicate they seem but how strong they really are.
“I’d like that, tomorrow morning after you make me a massive breakfast, okay?”
Harry’s chest moves under Louis from his laugh and Louis really likes that he can feel Harry’s laugh more than he can hear it.
“Okay, Lou. I’m tired though, so you are free to stay but no keeping me up, silly.”
“Deal, you’re much comfier than my pillows anyways.” Louis smiles and pulls Harry’s arm tighter around his shoulders then hugs Harry’s waist, attaching to his side like a koala, and it’s normal because it’s louisandharry and this is how they are, and Louis more than likes it. He loves it.
He loves Harry.
“H?” Louis looks owlishly up at Harry and Harry sighs sounding a little annoyed, but it doesn’t show in his eyes so Louis knows that Harry doesn’t mean anything by it.
“This isn’t being quiet Louis.” Harry tries to look sternly at his best friend but it’s a failed attempt.
“I know I just – you know I love you, right?”
“Oh.” Harry’s heart skips before picking up its normal rhythm again. He knows Louis loves him, they say it all the time, just not like this. Not with their bodies entwined before they fall asleep in each other’s arms and Harry doesn’t know how to feel about that because he wants for Louis to be able to be this close to him every night and say he loves him for the rest of their lives. He just wants it to mean more, and he wants forever to be just the two of them, and for nothing to dilute the meaning behind the ‘I love you’s’
“I know Lou, and I love you too. You know what, right?” He tries to lighten his tone to a mocking one but the question is there and he can’t help but really wonder if Louis knows how much he loves him, really. He wants Louis to know, he wants to kiss him and for that to be enough. He wants to be even more connected to Louis. He longs to whisper his deepest secrets into Louis’ ear and brand his love in every inch of Louis’ skin.
“Of course I know Haz. M’just makin’ sure.” His words slur together into a yawn and his eyelashes flutter closed as he slowly falls asleep.
Harry wishes he had the courage to kiss Louis, maybe wake him up and tell him he’s stupid for not seeing how deep his love for him runs. He wants to scream because he loves their relationship, this feels so good but hurts so much because he feels like he’s so close to what he wants, needs, but so far away. He wants to make Louis see that he makes him feel so close to whole and if Louis would just love him the same way in return he’d be complete.
Harry thinks that it’s time to take their song further. He thinks it’s time to build the bridge, it won’t change the chorus but it will make the song better it will give more meaning to all of the other versus and he really wants Louis to step a little out of their comfort zone and try for the sake of the final product with him.
~
The flat smells of pancakes and cinnamon anywhere you go because Louis had asked Harry for a big breakfast and Harry does anything Louis wants.
Louis is patronizing Harry for touching his piano with sticky fingers and Harry is giggling because Louis looks cute when he’s fighting to stay mad and the right side of his lip is trying really hard not to give into a smile but is quirking upwards anyways.
“I’m going to get my lyric book, go wash your hands you filthy Neanderthal before you ruin what I love most in this world.”
Harry gets up from the piano bench and bumps Louis’ hip with his arse and fakes hurt.
“Gasp Louis, I thought you loved me most? You’ve wounded me.”
“No, I love my music. Now scurry away and wash up.”
“Wow Lou, turn the knife a little, will you? Like that stab wasn’t enough.” Harry slumps his shoulders and walks away smirking to himself because he can feelLouis gaping at him for what he just said.
Harry can’t take it and ends up laughing heartily.
“You prat!” Louis calls at Harry’s back side causing Harry to laugh harder because Louis really bought the hurt act.
“But you still love me most anyway!” Harry calls behind his shoulder, he hears Louis’ defeated ‘humph’ and goes to wash his hands like a good boy.
~
When Harry gets back into the music room from washing his hands Louis is sitting at the piano with his glasses perched on his nose and his eyebrows furrowed while he scribbles furiously at his sheet music.
“Don’t think too hard.” Harry jokes, moving to lean against the piano and watch Louis as he scratches out a line and writes something above it.
“I think” Louis starts before erasing something and writing over the now empty space before setting his pencil down. “I think I figured the lyrics out.”
“Yeah?” Harry asks, moving around the piano to stand behind Louis.
“Yeah, I kind of had a shot of inspiration. It’s uh, it sounds how I want it to now.” Louis scratches the back of his head and looks over his shoulder at Harry.
“Well, let’s hear it then.”
Louis coughs awkwardly and Harry empathises because playing someone your music is one thing but singing your own lyrics is a lot more personal and it can be extremely nerve wracking.
“Oh, well okay. But go easy on me, yeah? I just finished it.”
Harry squeezes Louis’ shoulder reassuringly and smiles warmly at him. Louis takes that as him agreeing and shares his own smile with Harry before gently laying his fingers over the keys.
Soon enough the familiar tune is floating around the room again and Harry’s whole body goes on autopilot while his mind focuses solely on Louis.
“People say we shouldn’t be together, too young to know about forever.”
Harry’s heart flutters and his eyes shoot open. He looks down at Louis who has his eyes closed and is fully engrossed in the piano and in his lyrics.
“And I say they don’t know what they’re talk talk talkin’ about”
Louis’ face looks almost pained as he sings the lyrics and Harry wonders who they’re about, he doesn’t think Louis has ever been so in love with someone that he’s thought of them as his forever. A part of him really wishes that the song was about him but knows that what he and Louis have right now is only friendship.
“Cause this love is only getting stronger, and I don’t wanna wait any longer I just wanna tell the world that you’re –”
The shrill sound of their phone goes off.
Louis’ placement on the piano keys slip and he blushes furiously as a wretched noise is produced.
“Uh, you want to get that?” Harry blinks and shakes his head to rid himself of the trance Louis’ voice had put him in and picks up the phone.
“Hello?”
Louis listens as Harry sighs and makes little sound of acknowledgment. He wipes his clammy palms on his pants and wills his heart to stop racing, really hoping that Harry wasn’t weary about his lyric choice.
Not that he didn’t want Harry to be his, just that he wasn’t sure how he’d deal if Harry didn’t want to be Louis’.
“That was Li, he said they need us at HQ right now for a brief meeting to talk about songs for the album and stuff.”
“Sure, we better get going then, yeah?”
“Unfortunately.” Harry sighs and heads out the door.
“Oh, and Lou?” He turns back to where Louis is closing the lid of the piano.
“Yeah Haz?”
“You’re really good. I know I didn’t hear the whole song but it’s seriously amazing. You should talk about getting it recorded, maybe it could be on the album even.”
“Haz it’s not that good.” Louis tries to retaliate, because sure he dabbles and fools around but he doesn’t believe his music is good enough to be recorded at the studio.
“No, it’s amazing. Like I said, so don’t think any less of it.”
Harry smiles sincerely at Louis and walks over to wrap him up in a hug. Louis puts his arms around Harry’s waist and pushes his face into Harry’s collarbones since he’s not quite tall enough to rest his face on Harry’s neck since Harry’s grown again. Harry puts his arms around Louis’ shoulders and pulls him in as close as possible trying to convey everything he wants to say to Louis about everything in that one embrace. Louis squeezes tighter and noses at the wing peeking out from under Harry’s t-shirt smiling to himself because Harry was crazy enough to get a tattoo that gaudy because it meant something to him and Louis.
“Thanks Harry.”
~
London is still overcast and it smells like rain but Harry is in less of a sad mood than last time because at least right now Louis is by his side.
The meeting had been a lot of bickering and deciding which tracks would be used on the album and all the boys were glad that it was over.
Louis and Harry had decided to walk home together, not something they got to do often since they were always trying to hide and down play a relationship that wasn’t even really there, they savoured moments where they got to be in public with each other.
Louis was his bubbly self, he would bump into Harry with his shoulder every once in a while and smile up at him to make sure he was listening to whatever story he was telling at the time.
Every once in a while they would walk by a store and see their faces on a picture in the window and laugh because this was their life.
Harry stayed quiet just listening to Louis. If he was being honest he was listening to his voice more than anything, he loved how his voice was a bit higher and almost nasally. He loved how when he got really excited about something or really into his story he would almost get choked up over his words and it sounded like he couldn’t say enough at once, resulting in his voice coming out even higher.
Harry heard the fans before he saw them.
He looked down at Louis and Louis looked up at him. Harry could read what his eyes were asking, ‘should we run?’but Harry just sighed and shook his head because no, the fans got them this far and they deserve these kind of moments. Louis understood and they both braced themselves for the four girls running towards them.
“oh. my. god.” The one girl stopped in front of them first, out of breath. Her eyes were wide and she looked like she might explode. Harry was actually surprised at how well she was holding up, other girls get so hysterical that the pass out sometimes.
The other three come to a speedy halt behind their friend and also stand staring wide eyed.
“Hello babes, can we help you?” Louis put on his smile that was meant for the public and Harry’s gut twisted a little bit because that wasn’t the warm smile that brought him tea every day or pressed into his neck when they cuddled and it just didn’t look right.
“Bloody fucking fuck fuck.” One of the girls said.
“OW!” she screamed at her friend who punched her in the ribs. Harry just laughed because they reminded him a bit of Niall and Zayn and it was funny.
“What she’s trying to say is, it is lovely to meet you. We are massive fans.” She looks pointedly at the friend with the colourful vocabulary and Harry has to stop himself from having a right fit because yes, they are exactly like Niall and Zayn.
“Awwe, thanks love. Can we get you a picture or anything?” Louis asks them in his sickeningly sweet voice.
The four of them glance at each other, one nods, and another takes out her phone. Both Louis and Harry share a glance because it’s clear that they are really close. They don’t even have to talk to make a decision and that’s the same way the boys are.
“Yeah, that’d be great!” the girl stands in front of Harry and Louis and puts her phone up to take a picture. Louis looks confusedly at her.
“Don’t you bunch want to get in the frame?” Harry asks, knowing what Louis’ look was all about.
Three of them laughed and the one with the camera shook her head.
“No we’re good thanks! Just a picture of you two would be great!”
Louis and Harry look at each other and then both shrug their shoulders. Harry faces the girl with the phone and Louis makes a show of rising up on his tippy toes and grabbing Harry’s head pursing his lips and pretending to lean in to give Harry a kiss on the cheek. The fake shutter sound went off and so did a slash. Louis lowered himself to stand flatly and looked at the girls.
“Good?” He asked and two of them looked stunned for reasons Harry and Louis didn’t understand and the other two smiled triumphantly.
“Yes, that’s perfect! Thank you so much!”
Louis and Harry took the girls twitter names down and gave them hugs before they started to walk away.
“Louis! Harry!” they both turned to look at the girl who had called their names. She ran up to them and looked at them contemplatively for a second before saying anything.
“I just want you to know that whoever you are is up to you. Never limit yourself because you are scared of what other people might think. What they think is their own problem and as long as you’re happy that’s all that matters. You make a great couple so don’t let anyone get you down.”
Harry had caught on to what she was saying and felt his stomach drop because it really did mean the world to him that he could be accepted for whoever he was, but it hurt because he watched as realisation dawned upon Louis’ face and he almost made a disgusted expression.
“Erm, thanks love but we’re nothing more than friends. Harry here like the ladies, lots of them if you know what I mean.” He puts his hand on her shoulder and actually fucking winks.
Harry thinks he’s never felt so worthless.
~
“Harry! What is wrong with you?” Louis huffs as he throws his jacket down once they are inside the flat. Harry doesn’t bother as he goes to run up the stairs. The sooner he can throw himself under his covers the better because he really doesn’t want Louis to see him break, he doesn’t have the right to see Harry like that now.
Harry makes it up the first step before he’s being tugged down.
“Harry, what the hell man? Why are you running away from me? I thought we could watch some telly and cuddle.” Louis says, his grip strong on Harry’s wrist.
Harry pulls his arm away and stares at Louis with utter disbelief.
“Sorry Lou, I have to go get ready. I have a line up of shags for tonight, mate.” He spits out the sentence at Louis watching as Louis cowers back a little. Good. If he can make Harry feel worthless then he doesn’t deserve Harry’s friendship.
“Harry, seriously. What the fuck, that’s what this is about? You know, you’re ridiculous! I was just telling her that we aren’t together, which we aren’t so I don’t understand why you’re making such a big fucking deal of nothing!” Louis is trying to keep his voice in check but he can’t help but sound a bit desperate. Harry has never been cold with him.
“Oh, so it’s nothing for you to make me seem like some slag to a bunch of girls because you can’t stand the idea of us together. You would rather make me sound like a fucking hooker than for someone to voice that they would support us if we were in love! FUCK!” Harry turns his head away from Louis to wipe angrily at the tears that are betraying him and streaming down his cheeks.
“That’s really fucking classy Louis, don’t think about my feelings. Don’t think about how it could actually mean something to me for her to support me if I want to be with a guy. Don’t think about how much it fucking kills to hear you put me down when I am so fucking in love with you and you look like you’re going to throw up if someone even mentions that we could possibly be together! Don’t think about how much it hurts me to hear that my best fucking friend thinks so little of me. You’re an ass! Now stay the fuck away from me!”
Harry shoves Louis away from him and Louis stands still, not going after Harry like he should.
How could he though when he’s just destroyed any chances of ever being with Harry.
He heard Harry say that he was in love with him, but that only makes it hurt a thousand times more because if he did, he surely won’t after what Louis’ done to him.
Louis laughs bitterly at the thought of him and Harry. He laughs because earlier he had finished a song that was supposed to explain everything that their relationship was now and everything that it could be if they just gave it a chance.
He laughs bitterly because he really thought this was something that they would be able to write together. He thought that their song would have a happy ending.
He’s pretty sure it’s just another failed attempt now, another song thrown in the trash because he’s ruined it.
~
Louis is in the kitchen staring down at his cup of tea. He doesn’t even think he could stomach it right now if he tried.
He runs his hands through his hair and smacks his fist on the table because this isn’t right.
They don’t fight, they fit together perfectly and they don’t fight. If one is in a bad mood the other is there to comfort them and Louis can’t stand that they are both in bad moods because of him.
He looks at his tea, grimaces and then pushes away from his seat at the breakfast bar.
He gets to the top of the stairs when he hears his piano being played.
Louis knows Harry’s not big into piano, he usually sticks to his guitar. He also knows that when Harry’s upset he’ll sit by the piano and start playing because he says that a guitar shows off the singer, but a piano is meant to compliment the singer and to harmonize with them. He says a piano is better at conveying they emotion that he’s feeling so sometimes when he’s had a bad day Louis can find him sat at the piano playing a sad tune.
His heart sinks even more and he feels even worse when he opens the door to the room to see Harry hunched over the piano playing an all too familiar tune that sounds bitter in this situation. It’s not right, the song is supposed to represent love but it doesn’t feel that way as he watched Harry hunched over the keys, his shoulders shaking, a tell-tale sign that he’s crying.
Louis hates that he’s managed to turn so many beautiful things ugly in such a short amount of time.
It’s with that thought that Louis builds up the courage to go tell Harry everything that he should have a long time ago.
He waits first though, he knows the song inside and out. He knows that it’s coming to an end and he knows that Harry is reading the lyrics because he can see his puffy lips saying them under his breath, trying to put the lyrics to the melody, and he wants Harry to see the lyrics.
When the song comes to a close Harry leans forward and rests his head on his elbows. He lets out a shuddery breath and without looking up says, “I know you’re there Louis, I can feel you in the room.”
Louis shakes his head because of course Harry knows he’s there. Harry knows everything about Louis.
“I don’t know what to say either, if you came here to talk. I really haven’t a clue as to what to tell you.”
“I didn’t expect you to know what to say, but I do have some things I need to put out on the table and I just, I’d like if you’d at least listen to me.”
Harry lets out a bitter laugh, it sounds so off that Louis cringes at himself because he’s done that.
“When don’t I do what you say?” Harry looks up and his eyes are rimmed red, his lips are swollen from biting on them when he was trying to muffle his sobs and Louis can see his hands shaking.
“I know.” Louis sighs. “I know you always listen and you’re always there for me, and you are so kind to me and I really don’t deserve for you to listen right now, or ever. I don’t deserve you at all but –”
Louis walks over to the piano he sits down on the bench beside Harry and takes the sheet music in his hands. He stares down at it not really knowing how to look at Harry’s broken expression.
“It’s about us.”
Louis nods down at the paper to silently explain to Harry what he’s talking about because he’s pretty sure words would fail him if he tried speaking right now.
“The song.” He gets a burst of bravery and looks up at Harry. His eyebrows are furrowed and his lips are pinched in a straight line. So Louis continues.
“It started out as me just writing about how stupid we are together and the dynamics of our relationship and what I love about it but it became – well it stopped being what we are and started being what I want.” Louis blindly grabbed for Harry’s hands because now that he was looking at him he didn’t know if he could look away.
The room was lit with only one lamp, the way it had been last night when Harry had walked in on Louis playing.
He found Harry’s hands and twined their fingers together because he needed this. He needed Harry to be close to him right now because if he tried to push him away he might not know how to fix it ever again, and he couldn’t stand the thought of losing Harry forever when he was supposed to have him forever.
“You’re the stupid tickle fights, and the all nights watching movies and eating something you’ve baked, you’re everything. You’re what I have but you’re also what I don’t have and I’m so done with getting to kiss your cheeks but not getting to kiss your lips. I am so done with getting to cuddle with you, but not every night because you might be out with someone else. I’m so done with not waking up to your breath on my neck every morning, and I am absolutely one hundred percent done with being yours and you not being mine, because you’ve had me smitten since the first time I saw you smile and you had me in love the first time you smiled because of me.”
Louis holds Harry’s hands tighter because he really doesn’t want to let go if this is it. He looks down at their entwined fingers and thinks about how right it is. How everything about them is so beautifully made for the other. He can’t imagine Harry’s hands wrapped up in someone else’s, he doesn’t want to imagine that.
“Then we’re done.”
Louis looks up at Harry and chokes but a sob because no this can’t be it, this can’t be how it ends. Louis needs Harry in his life. Harry rips his hands from Louis’ and Louis is pretty sure that if you could know what it felt like to be dead, this is it.
And then Harry’s hands are on his face.
“We’re done pretending we don’t mean something else to each other, we’re done pretending that this isn’t always a touch away from being more. We’re done pretending that we aren’t in love, because god LouI love you so much and I don’t think I can stand not doing this for one more second.”
Harry pulls Louis’ face to his and smashes their lips together. Louis whimpers and puts his hands on Harry’s waist dragging his body closer to his so they’re chest to chest. Their hearts beating quickly against their chests.
Harry sucks Louis’ bottom lip into his mouth and pulls away slowly holding the back of Louis’ head so their foreheads stay together and Harry’s thumbs are rubbing circles into Louis’ jaw.
Louis opens his eyes, Harry still has his shut and his eyebrows furrowed together. Louis takes one hand off of Harry’s back and brushes his fingers through the hair at the nape of Harry’s neck.
“Please,” Harry chokes, “please don’t push me away Lou.”
Louis’ heart clenches and he has to hold back his own tears because why would Harry think that after everything?
“Fuck Harry, no I’m not going anywhere. I’m so in love with you.”
“Then show me.” Harry says, his voice is husky and all Louis can do is nod because Harry is always taking care of him and being gentle with him and now it’s time for Louis to show Harry everything he means to him.
“Yeah.” Louis breathes out.
“Yeah, okay.” And with that Louis seal their lips again.
He arches his back in to Harry and grabs Harry’s face with both hands to make himself taller and pushes on Harry’s lips with his own. He drags his teeth along Harry’s upper lip and runs his fingers lightly down the side of his neck and over his collarbones eliciting a gasp from Harry and using that moment to push his tongue into Harry’s mouth. He runs it over the back of his teeth sliding it next to Harry’s, loving the way that this is something else about them that fits together so perfectly.
Harry’s jaw slackens, taking whatever Louis is giving to him, he makes needy noises in the back of his throat and pulls Louis in by the waist because he wants me, needs more.
Louis gets the hint and stands up off the bench. Harry whimpers, chasing Louis’ lips with his own.
Without breaking contact Louis leads Harry over to the side of the piano and pushes him into it. Harry’s hard, he can feel him pressing up against his leg so he kicks Harry’s feet apart and stands between his thighs, his hands roaming up Harry’s sides and back into his hair.
Louis pulls back for a breath and looks at Harry’s dishevelled appearance. He has to bite on his lip from moaning at the sight of Harry when he’s so turned on and fucking needy.
“God, you’re beautiful.” He says and attaches his lips to Harry’s collarbones. He guides his head down by pulling on his hair a bit and then moves his lips to Harry’s neck kissing the skin there and pulling a long moan from Harry’s lips. Louis grins satisfied and bites down nipping at the skin and tugging back on it. Harry’s whole body trembles and Louis moves his hands to the back of Harry’s thighs to keep him up.
Harry pants hot and heavy in Louis’ ear as Louis licks over the abused skin.
“Up.” He growls and grabs Harry’s thighs harder.
Harry gasps into Louis’ neck and jumps up to wrap his long legs around Louis’ waist rolling his hips into Louis’ to find the friction that he’s craving most right not, and chasing it when Louis puts him down on top of the piano and stands between his spread legs.
“Tell me what you want.” Louis whispers hotly into Harry’s ear his teeth scraping at his earlobe and teasing the wrecked boy with his pointed tongue.
“Oh fu-fuck Lou, please, please anything I just, god I’ve waited so long, need you.” Harry pants helplessly into Louis’ collarbones and grabs at the front of Louis’ shirt.
“Jesus Harry, you look so good like this. Begging for me.”
Harry whines and nods frantically into Louis’ shoulder moving his hands down to the bottom of Louis’ shirt.
Louis bats Harry’s hands away and shakes his head at him.
“No, wanna make you feel good babe. Love you like this.”
Louis massages his hands up Harry’s jean clad legs teasingly, starting at his knees and running them smoothly up until he’s rubbing his groin, kneading at him through his jeans.
Harry gasps and falls forward biting at Louis’ clothed shoulder to stifle a moan.
“Don’t, wanna hear you babe, you sound so good.” Louis growls into Harry’s ear as he continues to rub at Harry with one hand and moves the other to the button on his jeans. He gets it undone quickly and pulls both hands away resting them on Harry’s exposed hips instead and rubbing his thumbs into the exposed skin there.
“Arms up baby.” Louis taps on Harry’s upper arm to get his attention and then makes quick work of pulling Harry’s shirt over his head.
He kisses the swallow on curly haired boys’ chest, the bird that’s supposed to be Harry and moves down to kiss over where his heart is. He pays extra attention there and makes sure to leave a mark, because Harry’s heart belongs to him now. He drags his lips over Harry’s pale skin and takes a nipple into his mouth, biting it gently and scraping his teeth over it to get a reaction out of Harry. Harry keens under his touch and Louis smiles into his skin before lapping over the area with his tongue.
Harry Leans back with his arms behind him holding himself up to give Louis more room.
“Love your stomach.” Louis says into Harry’s skin and kisses down until he’s at Harry’s belly button.
“So lucky to have you.” He runs his tongue around it and looks up at Harry as he nips at his happy trail. Harry moans obscenely, his back arching and Louis feels a little bit smug. Harry looks at Louis, his eyes completely glazed over, his cheeks flushed red and white and his lips swollen.
“Please Lou, need you so much.”
Louis grins at Harry and puts his hand on his very obvious bulge. He palms him through his jeans, fingers rubbing him all the right ways. Louis is sure he could make Harry come like this but he wants more too and he isn’t going to deny Harry either.
“Yeah?”
Harry nods and his hair falls down onto his face, some of it clinging there because he’s so hot.
Louis taps Harry’s hips and waits for him to lift up before he leans forward and takes the zipper of Harry’s jeans into his mouth. Once it’s all the way down he leaves his mouth on Harry, nipping and breathing hotly onto his clothed erection while pulling his pants down all the way, and fuck if this isn’t the hottest thing someone has ever done to Harry he’ll be damned.
Louis works his lips up Harry’s boxers to the waist band and teasingly he slips his tongue under. He can feel Harry’s stomach muscles clench underneath his tongue and takes pity on Harry when he whines squirms under his too gentle touch.
Louis pulls the younger boy’s boxers down and throws them somewhere across the room, not really caring because everything is Harry and his mind can only focus on the thin sheen of sweat covering Harry’s abs and the way his hips keep rolling up searching for friction and only meeting air.
“Lay down, babe.” Louis pushes Harry so that his legs stay hanging off the piano and the rest of his body is lying on top of it. He shuffles between Harry’s spread legs and rests his left forearm beside Harry’s thigh.
Taking Harry’s length into his hand he chances one last glance at Harry’s wrecked expression and then licks a long stripe up the side of his cock purposely avoiding the head. He does the same to the other side to get it slick and wraps his hand fully around Harry’s shaft, twisting. Harry moans brokenly, his head turned to the side and biting into his upper arm. Louis loves it.
He runs his thumb over the slit of Harry’s hot dick and collects the pre-come rubbing it back over Harry. Louis can tell Harry’s close, can feel his thighs shaking on either side of him and can see his abs clenching and unclenching so he wraps his lips around the head of his cock and pokes his tongue at the slit, moving his head down about half way before pulling up and twisting his mouth around. He pumps up and down a few times taking Harry in a bit more each time until his nose is nudging the base. He slides up agonizingly slow and Harry wants to throw his hands in Louis’ hair and fuck his mouth so much it hurts but stops himself and grips the edge of the piano behind his head with both hands as tight as he can.
Louis wraps his lips around the head as lightly as possible and at the same time he flicks the most sensitive part of Harry he brings his free hand to lightly brush his fingers under Harry’s balls. Harry comes with a cry and Louis sucks Harry down swallowing his come willingly and pumping his mouth over Harry’s cock through his orgasm.
“Fuck Louis, your mouth.” Harry gasps. Louis pulls off with an obscene noise, licks his lips and wipes them on the back of his hand. He leans over Harry’s body and grins down at him.
“Love you.” Louis whispers into Harry’s ear, taking in his blissed out expression.
Harry opens his eyes to see Louis above him and Harry doesn’t think anyone has ever made him feel as good as Louis does.
He grabs Louis’ head and pushes his tongue into his mouth, tasting himself and not caring because this is Louis, and Louis just sucked him off and he needs to be closer to him.
“Fuck.” Harry growls into his lover’s mouth.
“Bedroom, now.”
Harry sits up and slides off the piano, painfully aware of how clothed Louis is right now and how badly he needs that to change. He drags Louis to his bedroom making quick work of turning the lights on and slamming the door shut.
“Really, Harry?”
Harry tugs Louis into his chest stroking down his arm gently with one hand and using the other to push Louis’ hair back from where it had fallen.
“I’ve wanted you for so long, you’re so beautiful. I need to see you.”
Louis doesn’t object on blushes and pushes Harry back onto the bed and climbs up so he’s hovering above him.
“You are too you know. So beautiful. Love everything about you.” He kisses Harry’s lips gently and this time when Harry moves to take off his shirt he lets him. He lets Harry undo his jeans too while he kisses up his tattooed shoulder and across his chest admiring the bruises he had left earlier.
Louis shuffles off the bed quickly to pull his jeans and boxers down. When he straightens up Harry is lying down in the middle of the bed with his mouth hanging open, he locks eyes with Louis, his mouth opening and closing in an attempt to form words.
“What?” Louis says, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious.
“Fuck Louis, just c’mere. God you’re so perfect.”
Louis blushes but crawls back onto the massive bed none the less. Harry is lying in the middle with his head on the pillows and when Louis gets between his legs he pulls him down so their bodies are flushed together. He doesn’t even care that Louis is lying completely on top of him, he needs to feel him this close.
Harry runs his hands along Louis’ back and traces his fingers up his spine and into his hair, sealing their lips in the process.
They stay like that for a moment, just kissing gently, pulling back and switching sides. Sometimes Louis will slip his tongue into Harry’s mouth but he doesn’t keep it there for long before changing it up again.
The atmosphere has changed. They aren’t acting on want anymore but on need. The need to love and to be loved. Louis runs his hands up Harry’s sides shakily, nervous all of a sudden because this is real and he’s never been with a guy and he doesn’t really know what to do. He knows the basics but he doesn’t know what Harry wants and the thought of not being what Harry has hoped for scares him.
“What uh, what do you want?” He asks, his voice wavers and his breathing is shaky too.
Harry pulls back and rests his head on the pillows looking up at Louis, he tries to show all of his love in his eyes and in the way he brushes Louis’ fringe off his face and runs his thumb over the bow of Louis’ lip.
“I want this, I want you and uh I want you in me.” He kisses the tip of Louis’ nose and then strokes his back.
“Okay, um yeah. I’ve never uh – yeah.” Louis stutters, he hides his face in Harry’s neck embarrassed because he wants to be everything Harry wants but doesn’t know how.
“Hey babe, come on. I love you and I trust you.” Louis nods into Harry’s neck and bites down on the mark he had left there earlier. Harry moans deep and Louis works his way to Harry’s face. He kisses his temple, his nose, his cheek where his dimple appears when he’s genuinely smiling, the corner of his lips, and then he finally places his own lips on Harry’s.
Louis licks at Harry’s bottom lip asking for entrance, which Harry grants. He kisses into Harry’s mouth for a bit, getting comfortable. He strokes his tongue over the roof of Harry’s mouth making him gasp and buck his hips up into Louis’ instinctively.
Louis groans at how delicious the feeling is and lets his body take over for him. He rolls his hips into Harry’s, their erections rubbing up against each other perfectly.
“Fuck Lou, yeah. More babe. C’mon.”
Louis lifts himself up so he’s hovering over Harry and runs his fingers down Harry’s torso, over his hips and ghosting over his hard cock. Louis grabs it and starts pumping while mouthing hotly at Harry’s chest because he doesn’t think he’s in a right enough state to properly kiss him right now.
Harry thinks if Louis doesn’t get a move on he’ll come like this and he really wants to have this with Louis, he also thinks it’s ridiculous how he came not even ten minutes ago and he’s painfully hard again.
“Don’t wanna come like this, want you inside me.”
Louis leans in to Harry’s face and gives him a hot open-mouthed kiss.
“Yeah, do you - uh?”
“side table drawer.”
Louis leans over Harry’s body and opens up his drawer. He pulls out a small bottle of lube and a condom from the box in there.
He leans down to peck Harry’s lips one more time before kneeling back in between Harry’s legs. He pours some of the lube onto his fingers and rubs it between them warming it up so that he can make Harry as comfortable as possible.
“Have you ever?”
“To myself, but uh you’ll be my first.” Harry hides his head in his arm feeling Louis’ gaze on him, and wishing that he had more experience with this.
“Babe, baby. Look at me.” Louis holds Harry’s face in his clean hand and looks him in the eye.
“I like that, I like being this close to you, I like that this is something we get together, and we’ll just go at your pace okay?”
Harry nods and leans up to capture Louis’ lips with his own, “Trust you.” He says into the kiss.
Louis guides Harry back down on the bed and reaches beside him for a pillow to put under Harry’s lower back. Kissing his way down Harry’s stomach, hips, thighs, Louis guides his hand past Harry’s balls and lightly touches his hole, circling around to warm Harry up. Harry shivers and Louis feels him go pliant under his touches. Soon he has his middle finger nudged against Harry’s hole and he pushes just past the ring of muscle, he gasps at how tight Harry is and forces himself to keep the pace slow, not wanting to hurt Harry.
“This okay, love?” Louis asked into Harry’s skin distracting him from any pain by littering his thighs with gentle kisses and love bites.
“Y-yeah, just feels different with you doing it.”
Louis hummed into Harry’s skin and pushed his finger in knuckle deep, twisting inside Harry and pulling out before pressing back in.
“Another Lou.” Harry panted, wrapping up his long fingers in Louis’ hair.
Louis complied and slipped his finger out before pushing in with his index too, blissed out on how great it felt to be this close to Harry, wanting nothing more than for his love to be felt through every touch. He crooked his fingers as he pulled them out and Harry’s eyes snapped open as he sobbed brokenly. Louis pulled out and kissed his hips and stomach, rubbing smoothing circles into his skin.
“Mm, so good baby. So good for me, shh.” He murmured into Harry’s skin before lightly pressing back in.
“N-no Lou do what you did before, felt good. So good, need it Lou, please.” Harry’s hand tightened in Louis’ hair begging for more.
Louis knew enough to know that he had hit Harry’s prostate so he slowly pushed his fingers in again scissoring them and crooking them until Harry was writhing beneath him, his grip on Louis’ hair becoming almost painful.
Louis soothed him with kisses on his skin and encouraging words; he licked under Harry’s balls and kissed the side of his shaft before sliding his fingers out all the way and thrusting them in again. Harry let out a strangled cry as Louis’ fingers brushed against his prostate over and over sending waves of pleasure through his body. He writhed on the mattress and pushed down onto Louis’ fingers hard searching for more, needing.
“Fuck – Fuck Lou m’ready, c’mon need you in me now.” Harry’s sounded absolutely ruined his pleads slurring together as he tried to keep himself from coming. He pulled Louis up to seal their lips and fumble for the lube beside them, once he felt it in his hand he popped open the cap and poured some on his palm going to slick up Louis’ achingly hard cock.
“Haz, we need a condom.” Louis tried to bat Harry’s hand away but Harry beat him to it and started stoking Louis’ hot length, the head leaking with pre-come because he had been turned on since he had pushed Harry into the piano.
“I know you’re clean, need to feel you.”
Louis shook his head fondly and leaned down do mouth at Harry’s neck.
“Yeah, okay. Tell me if you need to stop, we can always stop.”
Harry shifted his hips and opened his legs wider; putting himself on display for Louis showing him that he was ready and he could take this, that he wantedthis.
Louis kissed Harry’s chest and grabbed his member with the arm that wasn’t holding him up. Slowly he lined himself up with Harry’s tight hole and moaned when the tip nudged against Harry’s arse. He wanted so badly to just push in and fuck Harry into the mattress but he loved him too much to hurt him so he slowly pushed until he was half way in.
Harry moaned and wrapped his legs around Louis’ back, pulling Louis in closer.
“M’good, more.”
His breathes were coming out shallow and his chest was rising and falling rapidly as Louis pushed in the last bit. His hips were snug against Harry’s arse and he was blinded with an overwhelming feeling of love for the boy beneath him.
“God you’re so tight. So good baby. Love you so much.” Louis breathed out onto Harry’s parted lips and brushed his thumb gently across his jaw, soothing any pain and waiting for Harry to adjust tell him to move.
Harry shifted a bit beneath Louis and then pushed up into him, Louis took that as his okay and pulled out half way before slamming back in.
Ngh, Harry groaned into Louis’ neck and pulled his body closer with his legs wrapped around Louis’ waist and arms around his shoulders.
“Louis, please, more. Fuckfuckfuck.”
The desperate noises coming from Harry’s sinful lips sent a shot of arousal through Louis’ body and he quickly changed his angle, thrusting into Harry with force, aiming for his prostate every time and hitting it.
Harry was a whining mess beneath him and Louis reached between their bodies to tug on Harry’s length making Harry moan, the sounds went straight through Louis and he could feel the heat coiling low in his stomach. Desperate for Harry to come with him he tugged on Harry’s member fast and twisted in a way he knew would drive Harry over the edge.
“Fuck Harry, you’re so amazing. Love you so much. Come for me, so beautiful wanna see you co-“
Louis was promptly cut off as Harry’s whole body shuddered with the most intense orgasm he’s ever had shooting his come all over his and Louis’ chest.
The sight of Harry had Louis coming completely undone and with a few more thrusts and Harry tightening around him he was releasing into Harry, his whole body shaking and then coming to a complete still.
He rode out his orgasm and collapsed on Harry, both of them completely spent and breathing heavily into each other’s ears.
Louis felt gentle fingers rubbing his back as he came down from his high and he slowly pulled out of Harry, causing him to wince and groan at the loss.
Louis leaned over to the side and picked up a flannel that Harry had clearly left there after his shower earlier and made work of wiping himself down and then gently cleaning up Harry.
He ran the cloth over Harry’s worn body and when Harry winced because he was still sensitive Louis kissed his thigh to show him how much he was loved. Louis threw the flannel to the side and moved up the bed and opened the covers, pulling Harry close to his body having Harry rest his head on his warm chest so he could run his fingers through his tangled curls. They just lay there for a bit, taking in the moment and enjoying being pressed up against each other.
“How do you feel?” Louis finally asked, running his fingers through Harry’s curls and kissing the top of his head.
Harry smiled and looked up at Louis, Louis’ eyes were bright blue, his skin was still a bit pink and Harry wishes he could stay in this moment forever, instead though he reaches up to tangle his fingers with Louis’ and pressing a kiss onto each knuckle before answering, “Amazing.”
Louis’ heart filled with more warmth and love if possible, Harry was staring at him like he was the only person in the world, which Louis didn’t blame him for because he was pretty sure in that moment Harry was the only person in his world too.
“You?” Harry asks and nuzzled into Louis’ neck to place a kiss behind his ear.
“In love.” Louis answers. Harry giggles into Louis’ neck and can’t stop the wide grin from taking over his face.
“You’re so corny!” Harry laughs and Louis just shrugs his shoulders because yeah, maybe that was corny but it’s Harry that makes him this way and it’s Harry in his arms right now, and it’s Harry that he loves enough to make him say and do stupid things, so he thinks that he’s quite alright with being called corny if that’s what he gets in turn for making Harry his.
“You love me.” Louis says back and nudges his nose into Harry’s temple because he can do that now and it’s the little touches like these that mean so much to him.
“I do. Forever.” Harry says seriously.
He seems to panic for a second though because Louis doesn’t say anything back but when he looks up Louis’ face is shining a thousand watts as he beams down at Harry and takes in that, yes this is reality and Harry loves him back, and it will stay that way for eternity.
“Forever.” Louis agrees.
They both fall asleep wrapped up in each other’s arms, breaths rising and falling in sync as they listen to the other’s heartbeat. Louis wrapping around himself around Harry’s body even though he was smaller and Harry staying solid and warm in Louis arms. Harry remaining Louis’ constant and Louis seeping into Harry’s bones and rooting himself in Harry’s heart.
~
The next morning the sun is shining and the birds are singing as plants come to life and Harry rolls over in the arms of his boyfriend, and if you asked Harry he would say it smells a little bit like a new beginning and feels a whole lot like home.