Chapter Text
It was a typical Tuesday night for Elon as he parsed through tweet after tweet, looking at charts of birthrates in Europe with a terrified expression. “1.35 births per woman in Germany, 1.2 in Italy, 1.1 in Poland” he read aloud for what seemed like the thousandth time this week. “My God, this is worse than last year’s numbers, at this rate Europe will die within my lifetime”. He frantically typed out ancient sumerian symbols on his phone. It let out a ring, then another, and one more, until finally, on the other line, a lispy canadian voice answered :
“Hello? Elon?”
“Claire. You have to come to Texas, leave X Æ A-Xii , Exa Dark Sideræl and Techno Mechanicus with a nanny, this is urgent.”
“ I thold you Im noth intheresthed in being a baby vesthel for you anymore, I’m trying to liberathe Quebec”
“Forget Quebec. Ukraine’s birth rate is at 0.9, Claire. Don’t you understand what that means?”
“Well, maybe if they had fought it over in Fortnight, like I thold them to, their populations would have grown a bit more, buth nobody wants to lithen to ‘kooky old Grimes’, so gueth what, I’m noth going to try and fix this for you anymore, I’ve been ridiculed enough, call one of your other baby mamaths!”
“Claire, come on. You’re being irrational”
“Don’th call this number again or ill extend the restraining order!”
It had been a rude wake up call for Elon: women no longer wanted to reproduce. This would have been fine if it concerned the lesser races- the blacks, the a-rabs, the polynesians, the mexicans, the british…after all, what good had they ever contributed to the world? But this concerned Europe-the vanguard of science, art, philosophy, and other things he pretended to care about. Elon couldn’t let this once-great-continent die out due to a lack of willpower of these stupid women! With their stupid feminism! Their stupid college degrees and their stupid careers!
He figured men could no longer be at the mercy of the ridiculous standards set by modern women. They were the gatekeepers of sex by nature after all and therefore had too big of a say in who they let into their uterus. Put yourself in the sorry shoes of an average male of the 21st century, that poor soul was actually expected to listen to the constant cacophony of yap about this or that mindless celebrity his girlfriend was obsessed with at any given moment. He had to be caring like some sort of a gay, and no shorter than 6’2ft.
Enough was enough. Since women had clearly lost their minds and had abandoned their sacred duty of motherhood, there was only one solution left to save Europa: MPreg.