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Bastard that he was he expected himself to run as soon as he woke up but ended up surprising even himself when not a single bone in his body ached for the relief of pulling away. Noel should push his brother off, should leave now like a fucking thief in the night but what would that really change? He had robbed the fucking cradle, him. Had taken something he couldn't give back and now it was his turn to pay for it, wasn't it?
Noel was a coward, yes. But he was also a selfish fucking prick, like. He wanted, he always wanted all of it—wanted money, wanted the attention of birds, the secret thrill of blokes, wanted the music, the drugs, wanted whatever Liam was willing to give him and then some. So why wouldn't he take it when Liam was offering it all so willingly, so desperately. Why wouldn't he feel smug when he got the prettiest boy in Manchester, in the whole of fucking Britain, wrapped around his pinky finger like a promise. Liam was obsessed with him, wanted to know every corner of Noel's being, wanted to be part of every moment, be every breath he took. How could Noel deny him that when it just bound them together more violently? Fuck a red thread when barbed wire would do the trick.
Noel got a few hours of sleep, a few hours of pondering and mind-self-mutilation that he discarded almost just as quickly as it came up before the birds outside their window woke up and wouldn't stop twittering.
A gentle, orange ray of sunshine made Liam look straight out of a film and Noel felt just a little ridiculous while marveling at him. How had that ugly little kid grown into such a face? He touched his cheek with the back of his knuckles, pressed a self-indulgent kiss to his temple in a moment of absolute weakness—he wouldn't be caught dead acting like this anywhere but their childhood bedroom. Liam sighed happily in his dream, nuzzling closer even though Noel's next plan had been to get up. He tried untangling from his brother with little success. Liam moaned, slurring "wha' ye doin'?"
"Gotta wash the sheets, don't want Mam to touch your fucking mess." he tugged at Liam's arm but he just clung to him tighter, shifting to wrap his legs around one of Noel's.
"'s ya mess, too, y'know." Noel groaned but gave up, at least for now. Liam rubbed his face into his chest, left to right, left to right, like a right dog before he detached to blink his eyes up at him, squinting from the invading sun. "Very rude way to wake me, rkid. Do ya treat ya birds like that, too?"
"Are ya me fucking bird?" snapped Noel but there was no real bite in it. He lay still when Liam craned his neck to kiss his jaw, he lay still when his head went back to his chest, he lay still when a finger traced the shape of his rip. Bloody hell, he was wrapped up in him, he was, unable to push him away. "This was wrong, Liam."
No shake in those hands, no hitch in his breath—Liam seemed as prepared as one could be when their brother confronted them about their fucking hook-up. Was it a hook-up? Could you call it that when it was with your little brother? Bloody Christ. Liam's fingers splayed over his ribs and Noel would let him rip the cage open to get to his heart if he wanted to. It belonged to him anyway.
"I love you," said Liam and Noel could hear the different tilt to the words, the unusual heaviness. It wasn't a monumental change, wasn't unfamiliar either, but it wasn't something that you said to your brother. He had heard it before when they were pressed together in one of their beds, or circling around each other on the playground, or leaning across the table in a dark corner at the pub—feet knocking together, knuckles bumping on the table, pink faces and cheeky whispers. Noel had pretended not to know what he meant, had said the words back in the way that a brother did say them. Liam never wilted under it but Noel saw the flash of disappointment in his eyes as clear as day, he did.
And right then, stuck together under the covers that they had spoiled, Noel heard it just as loud and clear—saw it spelt out right in his fucking mug. I love you, and how could he pretend not to know what his brother meant when he always, always knew what each word tumbling around in his pretty head meant? Who sorted out the words in his rants, in his teary arguments, in his heated shouts if not Noel?
"I love you, and I'm fucking sick of you pretending to be above it, mate." Liam scratched at his skin, dug his fingernails into his sides until Noel hissed and squirmed against him. His brother's half-hard prick twitched in interest and Noel could basically hear the moment in which all gears started clunking inside his head. Liam nosed along his chest, leaving a light trail of kisses that made him feel breathless, hot and cold at the same time. "Ya promise me shit, ya give me whatever I ask for, ya look at me like that—"
Liam nosed along his neck, his jaw, nibbling at a spot that made Noel gasp before he pressed his nose into his cheek. Hot breath fanning across his face and Noel was caught up in him just like he had been every day for the past eighteen years.
"Stop acting like a holy man, Noely. I know ya want me, I can see it, always felt ya eyes on me when I weren't looking, aye? I want ya, too. So—," Liam pressed a kiss to the corner of Noel's mouth. Firm, not a trace of shyness hidden in the cracks of it. "will ya be a man and finally fucking take what you want?"
And how could Noel deny him when he was a greedy fucking bastard at his core? He grabbed Liam's neck, rolled them over to force him onto his back before crashing their lips together. There was a split second where Liam was grinning so wide that Noel could only kiss his teeth before the pleasure of attention ran through the boy like a bolt of lightning. He kissed him until it hurt, sliding their tongues together and letting him suck on it like a reward for offering up his mouth. Liam did it gladly, almost too fucking cheery.
Roaming hands that Noel barely registered, too caught up in the way that Liam sounded underneath him. He tasted rank from sleep and unbrushed teeth but that was the essence of him, wasn't it? Dirty little brother, he always smelt a bit off putting like. Smelled fucking delicious to Noel, because that was completely him. No fucking chemistry deluding the entirety of his brother. Noel licked behind his ear, Liam squirming so much he was almost thrashing.
"Be quiet," he kissed against the shell of his ear. Liam mewled, needy and out of his head. "Mam and Bod could be awake already."
"Don't care, just—," Liam was panting like a dog, pawing at Noel's arms and shoulders, hands unsure or unable to land anywhere for longer than a few seconds. "Can I—?"
"No, no, no, it's my turn." he hid his grin against Liam's collarbone, sucked a bruise there. "Gonna give ya some more this time, aye? A reward for being a good lad."
"Please," Liam was too loud, too unruly. Noel wanted to hear every single sound, every gasp and exhale but he was painfully aware that the world was waking up and that the sun and the big old bastard in the sky could look right into their room through the open fucking window. That none of it was right but everything felt too good for him to stop now.
"Don't go scrounging for more, alright?" his hands slipped into Liam's kecks, rubbing a thumb into his hip bone. Liam squirmed against him, his arms coming around his neck and reeling him in so close that he couldn't even get where he was going. His brother was shaking—shaking so violently that Noel stopped trying to push out of his hold.
"Hey, hey, ya sound?" he asked. The hand that had slipped its way into his underpants ached from the way it was angled under him but he was held so tightly that he couldn't even wiggle it out. He let his free hand slide over Liam's skin, stroking his ribs, the side of his stomach. "Liam?"
"Dunno what's happening to me, Noely." gasped his brother and he sounded way too afraid, too young. His entire body was trembling as if he was stuck in an earthquake that only he was experiencing. Noel's face was squished against his neck so he could feel his rabbiting heartbeat, almost like it was trying to break free and jump over into Noel's body.
"Yare alright, kidda." he patted him, pressing his face closer to his skin and hoping that the closeness would bring his brother the usual comfort that he seemed to get from it. Liam's entire body was getting wracked by shakes and Noel had half a mind to be as equally worried as he was fond. His baby brother, all overwhelmed just from touching, just from the possibilities of it. He remembered how the kid used to buzz before his school plays, clinging to Noel's arm or cuddling into his front when it was just them. A shake to his frame that only calmed when he was near his big brother. He'd do well, course, he always did, like. But Noel still took these moments for himself, hated when Liam went to trail after Mam or talked to Bod when he showed up for once. He was Noel's kid, his stupid baby brother shining on stage like a little twinkling star and all of it should only ever belong to him. Noel was always first to clap, never noticing the silly looks he got from the parents around him when it was just him, Mam unable to come because of work. "Wanna let me go?"
"No," but his arms loosened, his heart had slowed even if it was just a little bit. Noel sat back and watched his brother reach for his wrist as if he was afraid that he'd leave him completely. "Noely?"
"'m 'ere," he leaned back in to say his next words into his mouth, tugging at the waistband of his underpants. "take these off for me, will ya?"
Liam positively scrambled to get out of them, head over heels while Noel took his off like a normal fucking person. Liam sat in front of him, out of breath and pouting. He scoffed, tugged at the kids ear. "What's that mug for, huh?"
"I wanted to take 'em off ya." mumbled his idiot of a brother.
Noel laughed, soft sod, couldn't help but throw himself into Liam's arms to knock his forehead into his temple. "Next time."
He kissed him, long and real, until he had him back on his back, arching into his hands like a cat. Noel crawled over his legs, settling just underneath the other's hips. Liam was mewling, pawing, whining in his grasp, mumbling occasionally when Noel went to bite along his shoulder or ear. Frantic hands and his heart against Noel's lips, he could eat him right up.
"Stop fucking teasing, ya bastard." gasped Liam when Noel just pressed kisses to his skin. One of his hands was fisted in Noel's hair, the other on the back of his neck, squeezing in random spurts. His prick lay hard between them, aching and wet with precum. Something inside Noel clicked into place and suddenly all his violent, obsessive thoughts seemed as reasonable as anything else in the world.
He took Liam into his hand, his brother freezing underneath him. Slid his thumb along the length of him before he ran the flat of his hand over his head, smearing the wetness along to make the slide smoother. Liam moaned broken and loud, right into Noel's mouth. His eyebrows were knitted together, his eyes screwed shut, his cheeks so pink that Noel almost ripped him open to find the centre of him and see the blood pump to his face.
"That feel good? Huh, kidda?" he murmured. Liam didn't move, just choked on another groan when Noel squeezed him on the way back up. A twist and the kid was shaking in his hands. No answer, though. He balanced himself on his elbow and smacked him across the face, not hard but just rough enough to get him to flinch back from wherever he had gone. Liam's eyes were huge, almost completely black, his mouth open and pink. Noel smoothed a hand over the cheek he had slapped then he grabbed him by the chin, shook him left to right gently. "Eyes on me, aye? Don't leave me here alone."
It was too vulnerable, all of it. Noel, too exposed in whatever they were doing but he couldn't stop. Locked inside their room, safe from the prying eyes and violent hands of everyone around them, he wanted to lay himself bare to his brother.
"Ain't leaving," breathed Liam underneath him. Liam, who had always been so shockingly honest, had held this secret from him. How long? How long, how long, how long hadn't Noel known him entirely? "you're the one leaving, ain'tcha?"
"Not like that." he dipped down to kiss him but Liam dodged. Something in Noel's chest shifted, clunking to a halt. He didn't want to know what kind of face he was making by Liam's pitiful reaction. Suddenly, his brother's hands were on his face, guiding them together to knock their foreheads against each other.
"Don't fight me, not now." when had he become so reasonable? When had Noel started to bent over backwards to satisfy him? He spoiled him, aye, always had—but not like this, surely? Noel would do just about anything, right then, he would. He nodded, slowly, before shaking his head clear of whatever was clouding it.
"Stop being a fucking brat and listen to me, then." For a moment they just stared at each other. Liam was either too stubborn to back down or thought about what Noel wanted more, a fight or his neck. Noel on the other hand was afraid, fucking hell—he was losing his grip on everything, was letting Liam call all the fucking shots and he needed to be back on top.
But then tension flowed out of his brother's body and into the mattress, leaving him pliant and warm in Noel's hands. Almost as if he had heard his thoughts. He nodded, slow, a glazed look to his baby blues. His voice was small when he said, "Okay, Noel."
"Aye?" he asked, tentatively despite himself. Liam nodded again, blinking so slowly that he reminded him of a sleepy kitten full of milk. He took Liam's hands from his face, sat back onto his brother's thighs to look at him. He looked young, fuck's sake, he looked so fucking young and God should strike him down because it moved everything inside Noel's body. He had known him for so long, all his life, had seen every stage, every phase and every scrap caused by a stumble. Noel had seen him pretend to be big, seen him pretend to be a princess, a doctor, a singer. Noel had dressed him, taken him to school, to the bakery down the road. A sweet sneaked here to make him smile, a lie told there to get him in trouble. Tears and years of fighting, of punching and kicking, of not caring how it might land. He'd seen him with blood down his face, had tasted a life being rid of him completely. And yet.
And yet he wished him back like a cancer patient might secretly mourn the attention the sickness got them. On stage, behind the scenes, in some rundown motels, in a bed with a bird or Clint, he wanted him and nobody else. Hands on his body and he wondered where his brother might be fucking about like the annoying bastard he was. Words whispered in his ear and he wondered what Liam had eaten, if Mam was there to cook for him or if he was sulkingly waiting for her, too fucking lazy to make something himself.
Self inflicted helplessness that Noel indulged and indulged, and indulged because it was his baby brother and who would take care of him if not Noel? It was in his blood like it might be in Mam's, as it should be in their Da's.
"Are you ever afraid, Noely?" had asked the baby one day. Not much baby anymore but he was Noel's as much as he could be, still round with fat, still gentle in his wild ways. Noel on his back, Liam on his lap with his tiny sausage fingers on his shoulders. A row that Noel had let him win because he loved him, because he had won the last eleven fights.
"Ain't afraid of nowt, me." said Noel, his hands coming to circle his chubby wrists. "Are ya? Want me to look under ya bed before a kip, laddie?"
"I'm only afraid when yare." shouting from downstairs, Liam not moving in his lap at all. Noel moved his hips, made him hop up and down like he was on a donkey in Ireland. Liam giggled, his whole face lightning up while pushing at his shoulders again.
"Just said I ain't afraid, ya muppet." scoffed Noel before tickling him. They rolled around on the bed, Liam shrieking and Noel making stupid monster sounds. He was Liam's jester, back then and now, too. Liam was out of breath on his back, Noel propped up on an elbow at his side to watch him take those deep swallows of air. Wondered how his lungs looked, working overtime from something Noel inflicted.
"Yare afraid, though." Noel flicked his nose, letting his hand come to rest on his shoulder. Ruckus downstairs, a smash or perhaps a bouncing mug that didn't immediately shatter into a thousand pieces. Liam looked over, pink cheeks and a little ugly—perfect in a way that the baby brother of Noel should be.
"Aye? And when is that?" he asked and he shouldn't have. Regretted it even now, years into the future.
"When he beats ya. When he takes ya." said his baby, only nine years old. Just a little Sprog yet, like. Liam looked over to him, shimmery but hard eyes. Baby blue just like his own. "I'm afraid then, too. When he takes ya away from me."
Noel swallowed, trembled. His voice shook when he spoke up, "He ain't taking me from ya. We's just down the hall, like."
"He does, though, don't he? When ya come back ya ain't really there, 's just... just ya body, like." that was when the real tears started to flow, when a mug or glass, or plate, or window finally broke downstairs. Liam trembled all over, his tiny hands reaching for his big brother. His big brother who was already reaching for him in turn. "I dinnae wan' 'im to have ya, Noely."
"He ain't got me, kidda." he pulled him close to his chest, stroked his hair. Curled around him when the shouting got louder and, bloody hell, he wished he could take him and just run away. "You got me, don'tcha? I'm right here, me. I'm right 'ere even when it don't seem like it."
Liam just cried, and cried. Sometimes Noel believed that the beatings hurt him less than when he saw the effects of them on his little brother. Sometimes, it felt easier to feel every single bone in his body instead of having to calm Liam from hands that hadn't even touched him.
"Yare alright, love." he meant it, too. Those moments weren't rare but they felt scarce anyway. Noel was closed off, even then, didn't like anyone in his business—especially if that business were his emotions, like. Liam prodded in everything, he didn't need to know that as well.
"Noel?" asked his brother in the now. Older but still his baby, still his annoying little brother that followed him around like a shadow.
"Yare alright," Noel blinked away whatever memory had played before his eyes. Brought the wrist he was still holding up to his mouth and kissed along the slant of his arm, up to his elbow and further towards his shoulder. "you're a good laddie for ya brother, ain'tcha?"
Liam nodded frantically, his mouth open and wet. Noel nodded, too, just because it felt good to be in sync with him for a moment.
"Ya were gone just then, weren't ya?" asked Liam quietly, his hands coming to grip at Noel's biceps. Strong but not bruising, almost like he was trying to keep him chained in the moment. "Ya was mad that I weren't 'ere just a moment ago."
"I'm here," said Noel, retaking his brother into his hand who gasped in turn, arching into him and connecting their ribs for just a moment. "we're both here now, ain't we?"
Liam nodded, trying to get Noel to move but his hand was locked around the base of him and he couldn't help but grin a little at Liam's desperation. He leaned forward to nose at the side of his head, whispering in his ear. "Yare a good boy, aye? Be quiet, now. Else I might needa stop."
"Please, don't—ah, Noel, please," but he could tell that Liam was trying to be quiet, a little more choked than before. "I'm good, I'm good, I'm so fucking good, please—,"
"I ain't even know that you knew that word, mate." he gave it up then, twisted his hand upwards, circling the head and dragging another choking noise out of his brother. "And look at ya now, saying it for me so many times. All proper, like."
Liam nodded, clawing into his skin and trying to pull him closer. "Wanna be good, Noely—,"
His brother sounded like a dying animal and Noel could do nothing but kiss along his cheek, planting another one at the corner of his mouth before catching his bottom lip between his teeth. Liam was back to panting like a dog, trying to thrust upwards into Noel's hand. He shushed him, a grin stretching his lips.
"Want a bit more, kidda?" Liam's eyes were heavy, almost completely closed while his mouth was wide open in a silent noise that Noel felt rumbling where their bodies touched. "Hey? Eyes on me, aye?"
Liam's eyes snapped back open, a hundred sorries falling from his brother's lips. His hands went back to being frantically searching his body, almost as if he were afraid that Noel would pull away simply because he had closed his eyes. "I'm good, I'm sorry—I wanna be good for you, Noely, please—,"
"Shh," Noel could feel the way he was glowing from it all, on fire with the gold inside him. Liam's entire attention was on him and all he wanted was more. His hand wrapped around his prick and he still wanted to please Noel more than anything, to be praised and patted like a well behaved dog. "yare doing good, ya are."
Liam preened against him, blushing and smiling, his eyes unfocused and entirely locked onto Noel at the same time. How could he not reward him for being a good lad?
He shifted upwards, took himself into the same hand. Pressed together but they fit well into the palm of his hand. Liam threw his head back against the pillow, twisting it to the right. Noel groaned, way too loud but he didn't care. Fucking whatever, let them hear, let them all hear.
He braced a hand next to Liam's head, started a slow but firm pace into his own hand and against Liam's cock at the same time. God, he wanted to touch him, wanted to rip him open and crawl inside, die in the empty spaces of him.
"That feel good? Huh?" grunted Noel when he could bring himself to unscrew his jaw without instantly coming. He could tell that Liam was forcing his eyes back open, all black and squinty from pleasure.
"Yeah, yeah, fuck, Noel—perfect, you're fucking perfect—shit," he sped up, fucking into his hand like his life depended on it. Liam's own hips twitched but Noel knew he couldn't focus on anything besides the feeling of it. That was alright, he'd take care of it. "Fuck, imma—,"
His brother choked himself off, a whine high in the back of his throat. His entire body started trembling against Noel and he should mourn that it would be over so soon but he couldn't help but feel flattered.
"Are ya—are ya close?" panted Liam.
"Gimme a moment, aye? Wait for me." a simple twitch of his thumb and the whole thing felt entirely different. Both of them shaking now, the arm that was holding Noel up wouldn't be stable for much longer. "Be good and wait, I'm close."
"Pleasepleaseplease, Noely—lemme kiss ya, please—," whined Liam and how could he deny him that? Noel let himself sink down, the pressure adding an entirely different layer to the pleasure. Bloody hell, this felt better than every coked up shag he had had on tour. He pressed his mouth to Liam's waiting one, the tongue was added so quickly that he would've laughed if it didn't feel as fucking good as it did. He let Liam trace his teeth, would let him engrave his name in his molars if he wanted. One, two, three more thrusts and he was there.
He detached his mouth from Liam's to knock their foreheads together, forcing a hand under his brother's back. "Crack on, then, let go."
Liam shook so violently that Noel thought he might shatter apart between his hands. A thousand pieces that he'd have to collect to rebuild his baby brother with. A kaleidoscope of all his versions.
"Tell me, Noely. Tell me, tellmetellme—," Liam sounded near tears, his arms coming to snake themselves around Noel's neck and pining him in place.
"I love ya," he muttered against the side of his face, slipping out of his hand to take care of Liam instead. He said it like he always did—it had always meant the same thing, after all. He was awfully predictable, his brother. Three words and he came all over Noel's hand and his own stomach. Gasping, shaking, whimpering. The arms around Noel's neck almost crushed him to death and, just maybe, he thought that that was the only place he should die in—his brother's arms.
He was breathing so hard that Noel wouldn't be surprised if the air wasn't entirely used up already—the only thing keeping them alive was the breath of the other.
Noel thought it was over but Liam steered just a minute after messing up both of them. He thrust up against him, making Noel's prick catch on his brother's sticky skin.
"Fuck, Liam—," he groaned into his neck. A hand in his hair, the other squeezing his shoulder. His heart was beating out of his fucking chest and now there was no turning back.
"I been good, Noely." hot whispers in his ear, a nuzzle to his cheek. "Give it to me, aye? I wan' it so bad—,"
He was tugging at himself so violently that it almost fucking hurt but nothing could feel better than this. Liam's words clunk around in his head, his hands all over him. Fuck, he had ruined him, had let himself be ruined. This was it, it was done and now there was no going back.
"I love ya, only you—," breathed his brother and a shock ran through him from the top to the very bottom of his body. "It's all yours."
And maybe Liam wasn't the only one that was predictable because Noel groaned, stars dancing behind his eyes and when he blinked them back open he was plastered to his brother's chest. A hand scratching behind his ear, and he felt weightless, absolutely empty of everything that usually dragged him down.
For a moment, just then, everything felt as it should. A cruel world that could be perfectly good if it were made up of just the two of them. He couldn't bring himself to roll away yet, Liam's breath was laboured and he wondered if it was because of the aftershocks running through him or because Noel's entire bodyweight resting on him.
"I love ya," said Liam again, bumping their noses together. Noel pushed up and away, rolled sideways right out of bed. Liam didn't try grabbing for him but he did make a hurt noise. Noel almost fell over trying to put on clothes. He ripped the sheets off, threw Liam's kecks at his head when they accidentally made eye contact. "can't ya do that shit later?"
"And have Mam walk into this? Would ya put some bloody clothes on, fuck sake." he snapped, his hands shaking where they gripped the dirty sheets. He hurried to the door and cursed himself when he risked a glance at his brother. Liam was sat in the middle of the stripped mattress, his head down between his shoulders and legs pulled up. He fucked up. He fucked up, he fucked up, fucked up fucked up fuckedfuckedfuckedfucked.
-----
One time, years back, Noel had picked up Liam from school. He himself had already been suspended but his little brother was only 10 years old and Mam still didn't want him walking all by himself so Noel was sent to be his fucking tour guide.
He walked briskly, already 15 years old and fed up with having to cater to Liam's every wish. Three, four, five steps separated them, a window catching Liam's attention and by the time that Noel noticed that Liam was not behind him he was already across the busy street. Cars whooshed passed and it was the exact street that Mam didn't want him to cross by himself—it was packed, especially at that time of day, and Liam was a bloody airhead. Noel understood her fear then because he watched Liam walk backwards from the window, right towards the street while pointing. He turned, to talk to Noel probably, before realising his brother wasn't there anymore.
Noel watched him turn left, then right, then then in a circle as if he might be hiding behind his back. Liam's hands were clutching the straps of his backpack and Noel could see his mouth open and close like a fish's all the way from across the street.
Noel moved forward but a wave of cars drowned him out, he sighed and hit the traffic light button. Through the blurry motions of cars he could see his little, panicked brother. Like a baby rabbit, thought Noel. He remembered that story his Mam used to read them, of the rabbit Mam and her baby, remembered how Liam used to bawl when it tried hopping away from home, remembered how he himself had marveled at the bunny's courage.
"I am running away" said the little bunny.
"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."
Noel wondered why he was thinking of that story, so many years later, while watching Liam pace up the street. Finally, he set into motion, putting a hand up to his mouth and calling out to him. But Liam was too frantic to see him so he waved, called again, followed him up the street on the other side.
Finally spotted, Liam hurried to the edge of the street but stopped, thank fuck. He crouched down before coming back up, holding onto the bike stand next to him; back then, Noel didn't understand why the fuck he had crumbled onto the pavement just to immediately get back up but now it seemed so clear that he felt stupid for not getting it. Liam was clearly devastated, his little face all red from incoming tears. Seeing Noel so close and yet so far, unreachable, must've been earth shattering to little Liam.
"Noely!" cried his brother, clutching and swaying next to the bike stand. Noel could almost see the tears rolling down his cheeks to his wobbling mouth. Like when Mam disappeared between shelves in a shop; that helplessness, that sinking feeling that you can't do anything but hope for her to come back.
"Yare sound, go down there, kidda." called Noel. The traffic light had turned green a while ago and Noel doubted that Liam would get there in time but what was one more moment apart? "Over the light ya go, yeah?"
"Noely, come get me!" Liam was in tears by then, screaming and whining. Embarrassing Noel to the core but there weren't many people out and about thanks to the bloody fucking weather. Liam kept at it like a scared dog.
"Shut up, will ya!? Just go down and wait!" he looked around for witnesses but there were none. He saw Liam take a step onto the street, the light for the cars flickered green. "Oi! Fucking stay there! Only cross by a light, aye? None of that shit."
Liam stumbled back, his hand wiping tears and snot but he was still full on blaring like a siren. Noel scratched his head, bloody Christ, why him? Why him, why not the neighbours, why did he get Liam of all the fucking people in the world?
"Stop crying, ya baby!" he walked a few steps back towards the crossing, Liam stumbling along on the other side. The street was clear of cars for the moment and he saw the thought form inside Liam's mind before his body even twitched to act on it. "Don't even try to run 'ere, Liam! Stay there."
"Come to me, then!" still full on crying as if it was an ocean keeping them apart and not a fucking street. Noel tried not to roll his eyes. "There ain't no cars, Noely, cross now!"
"I won't cross just cause there ain't no cars. Ya use the light, aye?" that was at a time where Noel was still trying to raise him proper, like. They stood on opposite sides of the street—Noel's hands stuffed so deep into his pockets that he wouldn't be surprised if he ripped through the fabric. Liam stood still, hands balled and eyes turning hateful in the way that they could even back then. All anger in that little body with nowhere to go. He looked at Noel through his fringe like a terrifying doll, him.
Just like he did, now. They were sat across the breakfast table, Mam and Paul between them, and Liam wouldn't fucking look away. Noel's hands trembled where they were stuffed between his thighs, his eggs going cold. He felt sick, his stomach turning and turning.
His fucking victim right in front of him. Glaring, as if his thoughts might kill him if he just wished it hard enough. Liam was pushing the last of his breakfast back and forth while Noel tried to regulate his breathing, tried not to snap at him over the table.
"Noelín? Ya eggs going well cold, love. Eat." said his mother. He sighed, scratched his thigh.
"Not really hungry, Mam, sorry... I, uh, feel kinda sick." mumbled Noel, glancing over at her. She hummed, tutting.
"Had a bad night, love?" she asked, still gentle. Paul was stuffing his face like a fucking pig and Noel hated him, sometimes more, sometimes less. With the fucking smacking and Liam's eyes boring holes into his skull he hated him a bit more.
"I—," he started but Liam's voice cut right through him.
"Aye, proper horrendous night." Noel glared at him but Liam just grinded the beans on his plate to a pulp, glaring right back at him. "Fucking horrifying, aye, Noely?"
"What ya do?" he called over to him, fingering something inside his pocket. His neck itched, his hands ached from the wind. Yeah, the wind, not the fucking distance.
"... Look left and right." replied his brother. Well, at least some things stuck. The light turned green, Liam looked left then right before running as fast as his legs could carry him. He crashed right into Noel, face pressed to his stomach and arms wrapped around him. He could feel his little heart beating wildly against him. Noel's hands were on him before he could really think about it, patting his sniffling brother's hair and shoulder.
"Brilliant, aye? Soon ya can come home all by yarself." soothed Noel. He pulled him further away from the street, turned them around so his own back was to the passing cars and crouched down to his brother's level. Liam's lips were wobbling, his tiny hands clutching at Noel's shoulders now. "Ya done so good, laddie. Waited and looked both ways. Got it down, ya do."
"Ya left." cried his brother. Noel wiped his tears away, patted his cheek.
"Ya didn't pay attention, kidda. Ain't left ya anyway, was right here, weren't I?" he shook him a little, smiled because a sad Liam was better than an angry one. Sad he could cure, could swaddle and fix up, but angry was something he had to flee. But it seemed like he couldn't stop crying so Noel took him into his arms, bundling him up and holding the whole of him. He forced a hand between the backpack and his back, patted his head and bum. "Remember that story Mam used to read us?"
Liam shook his head against his shoulder. Noel missed that, now. The way he was so small, so perfect to wrap around completely like a shield, like an eggshell protecting the chick.
"With the baby bunny? If ya run away, I will run after ya." said Noel, quietly. Liam rubbed his face into his shoulder.
"Cause yare me little bunny." said his brother. The wobble to his voice was gone and when he pulled back he wasn't all that red anymore. "Am I ya baby bunny?"
Noel scoffed, slapping his cheek lightly and wiping the last of his tears. He got up, ruffled his dumb fucking haircut. "Nah, yare me baby brother, ain'tcha? A bunny couldn't eat all the fucking weetsbix I'm gonna fix 'im up, right?"
Liam beamed up at him, grabbing for his hand. Noel loved him like that. He was a very special kind of behaved right after crying, a certain clinginess and love that he gave Noel after drying himself out.
He hated when he was whatever he was at the fucking table. Closed off and full of anger that Noel couldn't tame. He didn't want to tame it either, he just wanted to be far, far away from him and whatever the fuck he let happen last night. Christ, he was a fucking dickhead, he was.
"Oh, aye? A nightmare?" asked Mam. Poor Mam. The back of his neck started sweating and he hoped that they couldn't see his shoulders shake with the effort of keeping all the walls up.
"Yah, nightmarish." mocked his brother. Noel wanted to lung over the table and throttle him. He'd let it slip, all of it, gave Liam what he begged for even though it was wrong. Bloody hell, he could very well go to fucking jail for it. Fooling around with ya brother, the one that only just turned eighteen as well.
Paul kept on smacking to his right and Noel couldn't decide who he wanted to kill more: Liam, Bod or himself.
"Rkid might as well have screamed in terror, like." Noel dropped his head, couldn't look at him one more moment. His snarling rattled around inside his head like a fucked up melody.
"How ya know that, hey?" asked Mam, probably throwing Liam a raised eyebrow. Was she catching up?
"Crawled right into me bed, he did." Paul laughed, fat geezer. Mam snickered while Liam cooed, "Liam gimme a kiss and a cuddle, will ya? Ya big brother's scared—,"
"Will ya shut the fuck up?!" snapped Noel, the chair scraping the floor when he ripped out of his seat.
"Noelín, watch the bloody floors!" snapped Mam and he had half a mind to apologise but his eyes didn't leave his brother's snearing face, getting exactly what he wanted: Noel's attention.
"That's not what fucking happened, ya cunt! If anything you came crawling to me!"
"Ya boys are too big to be sleeping in the same bed anyways." said Mam, collecting dishes off the table.
"You should get us a bigger one, Mammy!" Liam turned to her, fluttering lashes and clasped hands. She laughed but Noel's heart sunk right into his fucking stomach. "Aye? Can share it 'nd all."
"Idiot." she said lovingly, swatting the towel at him. He grinned, but Noel saw the glint in his eyes when he looked back over at him. His face hurt from how far down his mouth was twisted.
"Yeah, cunt." he spat, turned and left the kitchen. He heard Liam complain that he was allowed to leave without helping while he sat himself in front of the telly. Going to their room would be too dangerous—either Liam would be on him in a moment's notice or Noel would jump and kill him. So he flipped through the channels and prayed that the hours would pass soon. He needed to get the fuck out of there.
-----
It turned out that you could only watch so much telly before wanting to blow your brains out. The shows were terrible but it was even worse when your little brother, who you had wanked off, was parked next to you half the time. Liam was in and out of the living room, running up the stairs, tumbling around on the floor, bothering Mam, hovering Noel. It would be a very normal day if Noel didn't remember the way that Liam's lips felt against his, how his breath tasted, how his skin felt when it was covered in a sheen of sweat that was Noel's doing.
"Will ya fuck off?" he asked him about four hours into horrible, absolutely terrible telly. Liam was as close as he had dared himself to be, at the other end of the couch. Noel remembered all the times they were pressed up against each other there. Especially during the winter when the heating was broken and they were too poor to repair it immediately. Liam tugged into his side, drooling away during a kip or sucking his thumb while Mam wasn't around—Noel tugging it out of his mouth when he heard her coming into the room.
"Can't even chill in me own telly room, that it?" scoffed Liam, stretching out and kicking Noel in the arm. He pushed his foot away, probably more violently than he had meant to.
"Do fuck off!" snapped Noel, shoving him again when Liam's legs came hurling at him. "You fucking—,"
"Liam! Watch the soup while I go to the loo, wouldya?" Mam walked into the room and raised an eyebrow at her ramrod-straight sitting sons. "Can I trust ya to do one bloody thing around 'ere?"
"'course ya can, Mam." grinned Liam, waving while she walked past.
They sat there silently, absolutely still until the door clicked shut, until the key turned in the lock. Both jumped into motion at once—Noel tried to fling himself away while Liam pounced. He was on him in a moment but panic gave Noel the strength he usually wouldn't bring up. A push, a scramble, a thump and Noel was on the floor between the couch and tea table, pushing himself backwards with his elbows.
His heart fucking stopped when Liam landed on him like a bloody harpy. All the air left his lungs, his shoulders and the back of his head banging against the floor while Liam sat himself into his lap, pushing his feet under Noel's legs and making it impossible to be thrown off.
His brother's face was red, an ugly kind of smirk stretching his mouth and Noel wouldn't even flinch if there was blood dripping from his teeth. A fucking predator on the hunt, him.
"Fucking get off—," Noel tried ripping his hands off but Liam just kept fighting him, holding him to the floor.
"I'm trying, cunt—," and he huffed like it was fucking funny.
"Mam will—," tried Noel.
"Don't fucking care. I—fuck, stop—fucking stop fighting me—," Noel was positively panicking. His ears were ringing which made everything worse because he was trying to hear if Mam was coming back or not. They fought like two cats but he always ended up being pressed back against the ground. "Noel, stop—just,"
"Stop it, man! Fucking leave me alone!" gasped Noel, close to fucking tears. He tried bucking out of his grasp to no avail. His heart felt close to bursting into a million pieces and it was all over, it was so fucking over with his life. Noel would die with Liam on the tip of his tongue and he wouldn't regret a fucking thing. Jesus, he wanted him all to himself.
"Noel, just—would ya calm down?!" Liam's thumbs pressed into Noel's collarbone so hard that they would surely leave bruises. Fucking hell. "Relax, man."
All the fight left him. He went slack in his brother's hands, under the weight he had known his entire life. Noel shook his head left to right, slowly. Everything fucking hurt.
"Noel?"
"I can't do this." he breathed and it was true, he couldn't fight it if Liam kept pushing back against it. He couldn't stop if Liam kept smearing it around his mouth. "I can't fucking do this, man."
"Do what? We always been fighting, mate, I always been stronger and that," said his brother, warm and sure in his lap. The weight of him pressing against Noel and keeping him from floating away into the sky before crashing right back through the floor straight to fucking hell. Christ, there were tears prickling at the back of his eyes and when had his walls all been torn down?
"Ain't that. It's—I... Liam, I can't, we fucking—it's mental." Liam let go of his wrists in favour of taking his face into his hands. Noel didn't struggle, just lay there and let it happen. "I ain't good."
"Stop fucking saying that, you cunt." Liam leaned in close and Noel only turned his face to avoid his lips. He couldn't push him away anymore. He'd do it that night, rip himself from the other and go back to the things he knew well enough. Things that didn't scare him, things that didn't know him back. "Don't ruin it for me just 'cause you're scared."
"Ain't scared." said Noel. He was weak, weak, weak, while he let his brother nuzzle into his cheek. Was weak when he let him turn his face to press their foreheads together, was weak when he heard the toilet flush but didn't do anything to push him off. "Just living in fucking reality. It ain't ever gonna happen."
"It's happening right now, ain't it?" pushed his brother and he couldn't ever deny him. The water turned on in the bathroom. "I gotcha, ya cunt. You made me a promise, aye? Noely?"
"Aye." he breathed. Liam leaned right, like he always did, and Noel let himself be kissed. Gentle but sure as if his brother knew that he would shatter under any more pressure. Well, what was a little reassurance?
The water was shut off and Liam leaned away.
"Just keep it. Imma handle the rest, yeah?" and he wouldn't, because Liam never handled anything at all without Noel's help. But he let himself believe it for now, let himself feel carried and protected.
"Yeah, alright." Liam stood up, held out a hand to help him up.
"William! You bloody idiot I told ya to watch the fucking stove!" called Mam. Noel scoffed, shoved his brother towards the kitchen. Liam dragged himself there for a beating around the ear. "Come 'ere! You boy, you was back on ya brother, weren't ya?! Unbelievable, one thing I ask of you—,"
"Mam..." whined his baby brother. Noel wiped the back of his hand over his mouth, held his palm there. Bloody fucking Christ. He crumbled onto the couch.
----
There was a day when they were kiddies. Two days after Noel's 13th birthday, his baby was only eight. It was a horrific night—Noel remembered none of it, all of it. Didn't remember the setting, remembered the way that the light slanted across Liam's face when the door opened. Didn't remember how he got out of bed, remembered the burn in his arm socket and legs.
Liam crying, Mam begging, the falling of his fists, the sound vibrating off Noel's bones and slamming into the walls around them. The light was on, he was sure. Liam was there, right at the edge of his vision.
Iron sliding from his mouth, the tiles against his cheeks. The warmth of hands on him, ripping him apart and burning his organs down into charcoals. He remembered that. The hate he was feeling, the fucking anger flaming up so bad that he kept getting back up just to be thrown down again. Always making it worse.
He fell, he remembered that alright. Remember the sick crunch that his head made with the counter. But most of all he remembered Liam's shrieking, remembered those tiny hands on him moments later then a body draped over his to protect him from any more. Remembered the tears his brother must've cried onto his chest.
Steps moving, a door slamming far, far away—taking all of Noel with him. Liam already frantically trying to piece him back together, cutting his soft hands on the shards of his big brother.
"'s okay, baby." he slurred, whined like a kicked fucking dog when his ribs pulled, when his soul spilled free through the cracks.
Liam was squeaking next to him. Sobbing, trying anything to catch whatever Noel was losing.
Mam was there, he was sure. She pulled his kid away from him, gave him over to someone else or locked him out. Liam shouted, screeching to stay with his brother. Noel couldn't see a thing, everything tumbling and falling into itself. But he could see him, like. Could see that halo of blonde, those ugly fucking pyjamas that used to be his own.
The door was slammed, Noel saw and heard no more.
Mam cleaned his cuts, soothed his bruises, washed the blood from his hair. She changed him, tugged him into bed without him so much as helping her. Everything ached and he felt nothing at all.
Mam sat on the edge of his bed. Her hand a weight on his chest that he ached to remove. He never wanted to be touched again, never wanted anyone close to him ever again.
Her head was bowed, blaming herself, he reckoned.
"If ya don't leave 'im," slurred Noel, each breath another punch that he couldn't live through. "Imma kill 'im."
Her head raised, looking at him in the dark. He couldn't do it anymore. She leaned over him, kissing his forehead and his entire body burned.
"I know." she murmured against him. She got up, Noel shook with the effort of staying alive. "Liam's with Paul, don't want 'im on ya tonight, aye?"
Silence. She glided towards the door, steps so light that they made the entire house tremble. It was like he could hear all her thoughts at once. He blinked and the door clicked shut. Thinking back now, he reckoned that he lay awake for an hour at least—shaky breaths, trying to hear every single sound in the house. But it felt like minutes before the door opened again.
Slowly, no light in the hallway. Noel's whole body froze and loosened so quickly that it punched another tragic sound out of him. The little head under the doorknob stopped. A moment before the door closed, the socked patter of feet towards his bed and stopping right beside him.
He could barely breathe but he turned his head anyways, would have given anything to see him in that moment. His kid. Liam stood there, hands bunching into the comforter and huge eyes right on Noel's face. His bottom lip trembled, crybaby, him.
Noel blinked, tried for a horrific smile before wincing. Liam climbed onto his bed, tense and scared. He wanted to reach for him, curl around him and make it all better but he couldn't move a muscle without it sending a white light across his vision.
But Liam scooted upwards, put his little arm across Noel's shoulders and pressed his forehead to the side of his bruised face. His body aligned with Noel's arm, his hiccups of breath fanning across his cheek. His kid.
"Paul?" asked Noel. Liam's hand tightened on his shoulder like the mention of their brother bothered him.
"Sneaked out, me." whispered Liam. "He's already asleep."
"You'll get in trouble, kidda." couldn't even shut up when he was dying, proper asshole, him.
"Wanted to be with you, Noely." his arms around Noel's neck, his face tugged into the side of his and everything felt alright. Everything was over but Liam was there so it didn't really matter at all. A warmth flowed through him that seemed to dim the sludge of death inside his veins. "I'll—I'll protect ya, I will."
A tiny sob left his brother, his arms shaking and his body following. Noel cooed, wanted to comfort him but couldn't bring himself to move. "It's alright, love."
"Don't leave me, Noely." cried the baby, clinging to him.
"Won't. Still here, ain't—ain't I? Liam?" there were tears rolling down his face and he couldn't remember the last time he allowed himself to cry like that. His breath was loud in the silence, small sounds leaving him that he would never admit to anyone else.
"You're here." said Liam over and over. Years later, Noel is sure that those words were the only thing keeping him alive that night. Shaky sounds more important than the air he breathed, more important than his beating heart. The world was caving in and the tears were choking him but he was in his brother's arms so none of it could kill him.
It was the worst night of his life, probably, that. But the worst morning followed. Noel woke from a hazy sleep, too deep and empty to be called resting. His body ached, his head pounding like a fucking drum, like.
He tried to shake himself free from the hands of sleep when he heard shouting downstairs. A chill ran down his back before he recognised the voice to be his little brother's. Liam was screeching, tears loud in his angry little voice. Mam must be lecturing him because Noel could hear her as well but Liam was much louder.
He sat up to go downstairs but his entire vision blacked out, his body in fire. A whine was all he could manage, doubled over himself. Tears sprung to his eyes, fucking hell.
Pounding up the stairs like the pounding against his bloody skull before the door flew open, smacking into the wall. Liam dove onto Noel's bed almost violently, sending Noel wobbling. He was in his school uniform, his tie half undone. Face red from anger and eyes puffy from crying. For all his rushed movements he climbed into Noel's lap as carefully as a cat. His arms slung around Noel's neck, his legs wrapping around his waist. He tried biting a hiss of pain in half unsuccessfully.
Liam was shaking, wetting Noel's skin with salt. He shushed him and pushed through the pain to hold him, too. Weak and not as tight as his brother liked him to but it was all he could muster without passing out from pain, like.
"What is it?" asked Noel, pushing his head against the others.
"I don't wanna leave ya, Noely." cried his brother. He could hear Mam coming up the stairs. "Wanna stay with you."
"Not today, kidda." which sent Liam right into another bount of hysteria. He wailed in his ear so loud that Noel might have gone well deaf from it. "Gotta go to school, yeah?"
He couldn't calm him like he wanted to because Mam stood right there in the doorway, a look of disgust or maybe pity on her face. Years later he still didn't know why she had made that face—if she hated him for how much Liam seemed to love him, or if she blamed him for ripping this family in two.
Liam cried. Mam shook her head. A moment between them and then she closed the door softly, leaving Noel to handle it, just the two of them. Four walls with no cracks and suddenly he could be something that resembled a person. His brother must feel it too because his loud crying turned into soft hiccups of tears. Noel scratched his hip, couldn't bring himself to reach any further up
"Ya gotta go, alright? I know you're scared—," tried Noel softly, turning his face into the side of Liam's.
"Am not!" Liam squeezed closer, a shiver running through him when Noel winced. "Am not, Noely. I can't leave ya here alone."
"Mam is with me, ain't she? You gotta be a big lad and go to school. Don't make Mam worry more than she already does." he felt bad trying to guilt him but he didn't know what else to say. "I'll be alright, love."
"You always say that and then you're gone for days!" squeaked Liam, pushing his little face so deep into Noel's shoulder that he ached. "Let me stay, Noel, pleasepleaseplease—,"
"Shh, listen, how 'bout ya go and ask the teacher to call home later, aye? During break?" Liam shook his head, Noel squeezed his side in response. "Look at me, kidda."
All pouty mouth and huge sad eyes. Noel knocked their foreheads together, pulled back again. Liam's little hands on his shoulders.
"You stay 'ere today. We go back to school tomorrow, day after, with me looking like this—," he could feel the cuts on his face sting, eye swollen. He gave a weak smile, a tear rolling down Liam's flushed cheek. "They gonna take ya away from home. Come to the gaff and snatch ya right away from Mam and me, they will."
It wasn't true. Flat out lie, that. Nobody cared what happened to kids like them. But he needed Liam to go because the possibility of it was real, and Mam needed at least one thing to be relieved about.
"So you gotta be big, aye? Ask your teacher to call home, 'nd we will watch whatever you want on the telly later." he said gently. Liam's mouth pulled, his eyes falling down before looking back at him.
"You'll answer?" he asked quietly.
"I'll answer." a promise. Fucking hell, Mam would have to help him downstairs later.
"And we'll watch whatever?" shy like it was something that Noel would take from him.
"Aye, whatever. Even sneak ya some sweets."
Liam nodded, slowly. Sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. Noel watched him, every movement.
"Good lad. Give us a kiss, yeah?" he smiled. Liam leaned forward, planting something soft on his cheek before wrapping himself back around his big brother. Noel sighed, hated that it was all worth it if it meant that those hands never reached for Liam instead. "Alright, oughta get ready."
"Can Noely do me tie?" asked his little brother and Noel agreed even though everything hurt and he didn't know if he could use his fingers properly.
The door opened slowly while he fastened the knot, pushing it up to Liam's throat. Mam leaned against the frame, her hand restless on the knob. He patted him down, slowly, said, "All done."
Liam crawled and dropped off the bed. Noel made a move with his head, Liam hung his own while turning and trudging towards the door. "I'm sorry, Mammy..."
She patted his head, gave Noel another glum look before herding him down the stairs and away. Noel felt himself splinter, let it go.
Later she said, "Ya don't even know how much of his mood belongs to you."
The exact same thing she said to him now, years into the future. He sat with his guitar in the living room. She had made them tea, sitting next to him and chatting about his life away from them. Liam was in the garden, kicking a ball against the wall and bothering the neighbour's dog, like.
"I know." he strummed a note, let it die out. Tipping his head against the back of the couch he could glimpse his brother out back.
"Ya don't, though." she sighed, rubbing the space between her eyes. "Ya dinnae know what he's been like since ya been gone, him. Like the bloody devil has entered him. Stormy, depressed for hours when the phone rings and it ain't you."
"Can't go blaming me for his antics." murmured Noel, hugging the instrument tighter to his chest, curling into himself.
"I ain't." Mam smiled at him, reached to squeeze his shoulder and run a hand over his cheek. "Just... used to be worried what would happen to 'im if ya ever left. And now you have, you are... Now, I'm worried about you, love."
"For what? I don't need no one." it should feel cruel cause it sounded heartless, but Mam just smiled at him. She knew him, of course, better than most people, not as well as Liam, 'course. It was true, though. Noel needed nobody while Liam always needed somebody. He felt every emotion twenty times as much as simple people while Noel couldn't bring himself to feel most of them.
"Aye but Liam ain't no one, innhe?" Noel couldn't bring himself to look at her. Was it written on his face? What he had done? "That boy loves nobody like he loves you. I been jealous of it, me, when ya were kiddies."
"Nah, ya weren't." laughed Noel, he couldn't help it. He squinted up at her. She laughed with him, warm and just like he knew her.
"I was!" she tugged at his earlobe, smiling. "But I'm glad that he has you. That I got you, as well, we make a good team, aye?"
She seemed to think before snorting, "Lord, he wouldn't shut his gob even as a baby, always wanted to be with his big brother."
"Ya did say he was for me when ya were pregnant." he pointed out. He felt warm all over while she shook his shoulder. Mam slid closer, pulled him into her side. She kissed his head, Noel closed his eyes and tried pushing away the fact that he was running all over again.
"Didn't know I was selling me first born with that." she laughed.
"Did ya fuck! Your first born is two babies late, Mam!"
"What the fuck is you lot giggling about?" asked Liam behind them. He hopped over and cuddled into their Mam's other side. She freed Noel to tickle him, sending him shrieking. Noel laughed at the girly sound, watching Mam attack Liam without mercy. Thank God it was him and not a sister, he thought again. Thank God it was Liam and not something he could break.
----
Liam took it harder than he expected him to. They were in their room and it was as silent as fucking church on a Sunday morning. Jesus, when had Liam ever been that fucking quiet?
The sad sod was sat on Noel's bed, pulling at a string of his sweats. His head balanced on the palm of his hand and teeth pulling his lips to shreds. Noel had tried to make conversation, talking either straight rubbish or running his mouth about their mates but nothing worked, Liam didn't jumpstart to any of his bait so he gave up completely.
He packed his things, made sure to store his heart away underneath his bed. Fucking hell, he wouldn't survive walking out of that gaff otherwise.
"Right, that's all." he muttered to himself, somewhat. Noel felt ridiculous trying to get his brother's attention. Never before had he worked for Liam's eyes or mind. How important it seemed when it was finally taken from him.
Noel picked up the bag and stood awkwardly in the space that seemed larger than it ever had before. Liam was still focused on the stupid fucking string and Noel tried not to throw a fit about it, like.
"You, uhm... coming downstairs?" he shifted from one foot to the other, worried at the door handle. Liam shrugged. "Well... I'll, uhm, see ya, yeah?"
He turned, walked down the stairs to the door. Mam stood next to the last step, worrying at the edge of her cardigan so similarly to Liam that Noel had to huff a laugh. He dropped his bag, bent to hug her. She shook against him, patting his back.
"Where's ya brother?" she asked quietly.
"Upstairs sulking, innhe." scoffed Noel, holding her a bit tighter. He sighed, tried to memorise all of her.
"That bloody cunt!" said like she would stamp her foot next. She pulled out of the hug, "Liam! Come 'ere right fucking now!"
Noel stood there awkwardly while they listened to Liam dragging himself along the hallway and down the stairs. There he stood, heavy eyed and slouching shoulders. The yellow light painted him into the image of their childhood and the hole in Noel's chest throbbed horribly.
Liam sat himself onto the stairs, looking away.
"Say bye to yar brother, ya brat!" said Mam. She was hurt, he could tell. Liam was too which was worse because he couldn't do anything to make it more bearable.
"Bye." sharp and cutting right into Noel. He cleared his throat, nodded and turned to put on his coat.
Mam started lecturing Liam who in turn said nothing. The ground under his feet shook, fell away. Everything tilting like he was pissed, his heart racing like he was coked up.
"Shit, fucking forgot me—," said Noel, not even following his own thoughts before they were already out of his fucking mouth. "me fucking, uhm, processor... where the fuck ya put that?"
Liam looked at him, scrunched faced and all. He spat, "Didn't touch your fucking shit."
"Yeah, ya fucking did, you dickhead! C'mon, finding it quicker if you bloody help." he pushed past him on the stairs and hurried up before he could get cold feet. Mam was still chattering in Liam's ear for being a cunt, served him right. "C'mon!"
His heart almost stopped when he heard the creak of the stairs, the familiar ache of the house. He opened their door, waited for Liam to come inside. "I didn't fucking touch—,"
Noel had him against the door before he could finish that sentence. 'course he didn't touch the fucking processor. Noel needed this, needed him close one more time. He needed to leave knowing that his heart was in it a last time. And how horrific was that? When had all his walls fallen down without his notice? When had he ever wanted to part ways in something resembling peace.
Liam was groaning into his mouth, arching his back off the door and into Noel's own. He separated to kiss at his throat and gasped when Liam turned them around, slamming him against the wood. His arms around the kid's shoulders, his breath on his face.
"How can you leave me?" asked Liam, huge hungry eyes locked onto Noel's mouth. He couldn't think of anything to say because Liam was right, how could he leave him, now, after everything they had done? Ruining themselves to fit the other.
He kissed him again, held his face just right. He let Liam into his mouth when his tongue asked for entrance, he let his hands slide under his jumper, let him press as close as he could manage. Liam held onto him desperately, his grip so tight as if he was trying to keep him from floating away.
There was another wetness mixing with their spit and it startled Noel so much that he pulled back, pushing at Liam's shaking shoulders. Those puppy dog eyes were wet, drowning the blue and black that he knew so well. Liam's lips were trembling, his whole face caving in.
Noel, in a moment of weakness, wiped the tears away with his thumbs. "What's wrong?"
"Don't leave me." his voice was breaking on every word and Noel's own eyes prickled dangerously. He pulled him in, then. Held him close around the shoulders and hoped that the sounds of his crying didn't make their way through the door and downstairs. This moment belonged to Noel and nobody else.
"I'll come back." he promised even though it felt heavy. But the room was theirs and it was dark, and everything felt easier when they were wrapped up in each other. "I'll come home to ya, aye?"
"You don't know what it's like. You don't care." Liam shuddered, his hands as restless against Noel's back as his tears were falling from his eyes. "You just wan' forget me, like."
"Do I fuck," huffed Noel but the waver in his voice was too harsh to be recognised as anything but a desperate attempt to calm his brother. A part of him was satisfied with this—Liam desperately trying to keep Noel stored away at home, crying like a bird because he was leaving him behind. Another part wanted him to not care, or at least act like he didn't. Just like before. A casual goodbye with an underlying shakiness that they could both ignore. "You're me brother. Can't forget ya, can I?"
"You want to!" it was always arguing, arguing, arguing with him. Noel pulled him away by the hair at the back of his head and crashed their mouths back together. He swallowed every sound, every purr of his body. He tried to memorise all of him, update the knowledge he had stored for the past eighteen years. Noel kissed him until he felt him go putty in his hands, soft and tamed, no wildness scratching up the edges of him.
"Part of me, innit. Can't forget when you've got all of it, yeah?" my heart, my soul, is what he meant. Liam blinked at him like he hung the moon, like he was waiting for Noel to write his name between the stars. He knocked their foreheads together, closed his eyes and just breathed it in.
"Don't shag any blokes behind me back, I'll fucking find out, I will." muttered Liam and Noel couldn't help but laugh. He opened his eyes to their twins, shining down at him.
"Acting like a proper bird, ya are." he snorted, tried to pull out of the embrace but the claws of his brother were still stuck in his side.
"I mean it, yeah. It's mine now, innit? You promised." and fucking hell, he wanted it all. Right that moment, he wanted all of him. Carve his name all over his brother so that nobody would ever think to touch him again.
"Can't remember promising that." too breathless to mean anything at all. Liam crushed him into a hug, squeezing the air from his lungs and replacing it with his smell, his touch. Noel wheezed a bit.
"You'll call?" asked his baby brother, all small and afraid like he did back when Noel lost himself in his head. Used to be scared of his moods, him. Those heated words when the baby just wanted a hug or a game of footy, that snap and snarl that Noel always regretted afterwards. The years he had been cruel just because he was hurt, afraid.
"'course." he rubbed a hand over Liam's back, squeezed him back just the right amount, knew the way his brother liked to be held by him. Liam sighed, rubbing his face into Noel's shoulder. "C'mon, they'll... fucking think we murdered each other up 'ere. I gotta go."
Liam whined but he let go, stepped back. His entire body was pulling downward like a bunch of bricks was tied to each of his limbs. Noel sighed, wouldn't have done this in a million years but he reached for his brother's face and placed a gentle kiss on his mouth. Just a brush of lips, kind and reassuring. Another one at the corner before he stepped away and opened the door. "C'mon."
Liam stood star struck, his eyes glimmering like fucking diamonds. But he followed Noel like a good dog.
"Took ya lot long enough, innit?" said Mam, arms crossed.
"Couldn't fucking find it. The twat must've trashed it or summat." scoffed Noel, trying he hardest not the shy away from her eyes.
"Didn't do nowt, Mam!" said Liam and thank God for him playing along. They did that well when it really meant something—like when Liam broke the window while they played footy in the garden. Noel had been riling him up, hurling insults and making fun of him until Liam snapped and kicked the ball so hard that it went flying right through the fucking window. For a moment they just stood there, gawking like dim cunts before they scrambled towards each other. They would fucking die, decided Noel, if they didn't hold together now.
So they came up with a lie, something about neighbours kids throwing stones to bother Liam while he was alone at home. Liam had called Mam at work, saying Noel weren't home and that he was scared. Noel left and waited around the corner so Liam would be by himself, crying and hysterical, when she came home from work early.
Noel came back a little later, opening to the door and still, somehow, being surprised when Liam came flying down the hallway to hurl himself at his brother. Still crying, the cunt, a good actor even back then. He struggled to the kitchen with Liam attached to his side, let Mam tell him what had happened, got fake mad and that was that, innit? Got away without a lecture and consequences, they did. Paul and Mam paid for the window, it was fixed within the week. Noel taunted Liam a little less after that.
That was what it felt like, now. Holding together to not get in trouble. Liam's eyes on the back of his neck, Mam upset at something that didn't really happen.
The gaff was too hot with his jacket on and his entire body tingled knowing that this was the last time they would stand together in the same space for ages. Bloody hell, he looked around, Mam to his right, Liam to the left and elevated on the stairs, and his heart ached for home.
"Alright, then." he said. Mam was on him in a moment, hugging and kissing him. Telling him to be good, to call, to be safe and not overdo it. He heard the worry in her voice and knew that it was valid, that the fear was real because the drugs could and would, sooner or later, take her son from her.
He kissed her cheek and pulled away. Mam wiped her cheeks, waved to Liam. "Say goodbye, you twat!"
Liam gave a half-hearted wave but Mam must've had enough because she pulled him off the stairs and pushed him towards Noel. "Ya don't know when you's gonna see 'im again."
Liam shuffled forward, head down and waiting. Noel took him around the shoulders with one arm, gripped Liam's biceps with the other. His brother pushed his face back against his neck, sniffed him, the fucking weirdo. "Be good."
"You'll call." said Liam against him. Not a question but more of an order, or maybe a desperate attempt to chain Noel to his promise. "I'll be good."
Too soon was Noel out on the road, in the fucking rain. Maybe the time apart would do him good, maybe it would screw his head on right and take that possessiveness out of him. A claim over your own brother, who wanted that? The windows of the gaff gave a yellow shine and Noel doubted that leaving his heart underneath his bed did anything for it to hurt less.