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Shinobu usually comes to visit Kanae's grave with nothing particularly on her mind.
If she wasn't concocting poisons or diligently crafting antidotes for the reversal of Blood Demon Art responsible for biological alterations, Shinobu would come to visit her.
While walking to the graveyard where countless other demon slayers rested alongside Kanae, Shinobu often reminisces about how she couldn't even stand in front of the tombstone without breaking down in ugly sobs for the first year.
Kanae Kochou, the Flower Hashira, had died at the age of seventeen. Just a week after the funeral, Shinobu was bestowed the title of the head of the manor at the age of fourteen.
It was hard. God, it was even harder than anything she could've ever imagined. Kanae was supposed to be the head, always, not her. It never should have been her.
Time never stopped, never let her take a moment to process it all, the world kept moving on and on, and it made her furious. It made Shinobu want to scream and yell and shake and ask whenever she walked by civilians.
My sister is dead. Why do you not care? How could you not care?
Whenever Shinobu saw a young girl, just around the age Kanae was, whether the girl was talking to a friend of hers, or buying vegetables, or admiring ornaments, or with a boy and a small child, Shinobu caught a glimpse of another life.
Glimpse of a life Kanae could've had if she lived.
If she didn't become a Hashira.
If she didn't become a slayer.
If she hadn't joined the Corps.
If their parents hadn't been killed.
How different would your life have been, sister, if you had been given the chance?
But then Shinobu would remember that they had. They had that chance to live a normal life, to grow old with families of their own, but they didn't take that path. Because that path was laid as an illusion. Even if they tried too, they could never return to a normal life.
The day that demon crashed into their home marked the end of the life they knew it.
"I know you didn't regret taking this path, big sis." Shinobu softly muttered when she visited for the first time after the burial. "And I don't either."
"Shinobu, leave the Demon Slayer Corps. Live a normal life."
But Shinobu couldn't. She just couldn't because her sister's killer was still out on the loose. Their parents were killed, but Himejima finished the demon off before it could cause any more harm.
Their parents were avenged.
Kanae wasn't.
So Shinobu learned to endure.
For the sake of her girls, her remaining sisters, Shinobu put on a smile to ease their worry. To assure them, to let them know that they can rely on her to shoulder their problems.
It wasn't truly her, but it was the smile her sister loved to see.
Kanae's fellow Hashiras sometimes dropped by for a visit. Shinobu at first thought it was pity.
Then realized it was sympathy.
Because it wasn't just her mourning for her sister, they were also mourning for a friend.
Himejima would always offer words of wisdom while he talked about Kanae. "Kanae lived how she wanted, right till the very end."
Uzui was uncharacteristically quiet around her, but when he said something, it was always genuine. "Kochou wasn't the most flashiest, but she was flamboyant in her own gentle way."
Shinazugawa was bubbling with the same hatred Shinobu only wished she could show. "Kochou was too kind for her own good, but she was one of the strongest people I knew."
Tomioka seemed even more withdrawn, uncomfortable standing under Shinobu's gaze, but he was the one Shinobu could relate to the most. "Kochou never once thought ill of me for being too quiet. She was never offended even when I said nothing during our conversations. She could understand people just by looking at them, and that's the kind of gift not many people have."
Shinobu sewed Kanae's haori back together herself even when Aoi offered to do so. She did it whichever day she didn't have a mission, slowly and methodically, and when she stood in front of a mirror with it draped over her shoulders, it looked several times bigger than it did on Kanae.
Shinobu wore it regardless.
By the age of fifteen, the Kakashi looked forward to orders from her, and it was so weird being on the delivering end that it felt more like a fever dream she had to learn to accept.
Things started to go back into rhythm, but the pain never subsided. Remaining just as fresh as the day Kanae died, although it numbed enough for Shinobu to be able to sit near Kanae's grave the year after.
She turned sixteen.
That's the same year Shinobu rose to the prestigious and honorable rank of a Hashira. Insect Hashira. That's the title she had been given, and that became a reason for her to speak.
To end the suffocating silence that threatened to consume her every time Shinobu settled her eyes on the name engraved on the tombstone.
Kanae Kochou
A beloved daughter. A dear friend. A loving sister.
So Shinobu talked.
It was hard at first. She'd say a sentence, come to an awkward pause and think of something to link together with her previous words before speaking up again.
It was a selfish curiosity, but Shinobu slowly started to try to get her words to sound like Kanae's. Soft, gentle, kind. All the things she wasn't.
The Hashiras who were once Kanae's fellows were now her colleagues. They welcomed her warmly just after the Master announced it. Although none of them said anything out loud, Shinobu could detect a presence of pride emanating from them.
Along with an underlying hint of sorrow.
The responsibilities that Kanae once used to carry around with a carefree smile now weighed down on Shinobu. But she endured. Just like how Kanae did.
Only Himejima was the one who truly understood the changes Shinobu went through only two years after losing Kanae.
And Shinobu knew it too.
She acted like Kanae, she spoke like Kanae, and she dedicated her entire personality to that of Kanae. But that sometimes threatened to break under pressure, so Shinobu practiced wearing a smile even in her own home.
The first of her sisters to notice that change was Aoi.
Aoi reminded Shinobu so much of how she was before—short-tempered, straight to the point, and harsh with criticism and—Shinobu prayed. God, she prayed to whichever deity was out there that may Aoi never have to conceal her emotions like she does.
By the third year, Shinobu had gained enough strength to be able to talk to Kanae about how her everyday was passing.
There were often times Shinobu would zone out when the realization settled in that she was now the same age as Kanae once was.
Seventeen.
She felt so bitter about it that her mouth remained sour no matter how much she tried to wash the taste away.
One particular day, when she returned from a mission in another city, alarm bells started ringing in her head the moment she saw Aoi standing outside by the door.
It made irritation cross her mind when the girl told her that Kanao left for the Final Selection a few days prior, then a sense of pride filled her chest knowing that Kanao made a decision of her own, and then dread struck her still when she thought about how Kanao would have to be face-to-face with danger now.
"Flower Breathing, isn't it?" Shinobu said it as more of a statement than a question when Kanao came back home and to greet her. "Big sis never taught you that; you learned it just by keenly watching her."
When Shinobu turned to look at Kanao, her hands were folded in front of her and her gaze was on the floor. But when her eyes flickered to Shinobu's, she gives the girl a smile. A genuine smile.
"Welcome home, Kanao."
The corner of Kanao's lips twitched up.
A few months after declaring Kanao her Tsuguko, Shinobu often thought about the ones before her.
She lost three girls, three talented girls who had so much to look forward to and although early losses are not uncommon in this line of duty, their deaths wrecked Shinobu in the worst way possible.
And further fueled her growing anger.
Demons killed them. And Shinobu's hatred for them grew so much her fists would tremble in rage just thinking about it.
How dare they even exist.
How dare they think they have the right to tear families apart.
That's the same year that Shinobu had gotten the idea of a possible way to eliminate the demon who killed Kanae.
Upper Rank Two.
She's weak, much weaker compared to everyone in the Corps. But that's based on physical strength. Shinobu might not have the power to behead demons, but she does have the ability to defeat them.
Using poisons.
This is wrong.
Her plan is wrong in so, so many ways, both moral and ethical, and Shinobu knew for a fact if her sister could rise from her grave, she would've done so only to slap Shinobu right across the face.
Wisteria is lethal to demons, and if the dosage is high enough, it may as well kill an Upper Rank demon. But she can't deliver that amount through her sword; it'll be too tedious, and she might not have enough time.
So she injected it into her veins.
It burned before it hurt. Her nerves felt like they were on fire before they throbbed in agony. She trashed her office during the first few months of steady consumption of poison. Broke vials, flung paperwork, and knocked over furniture.
Shinobu always walked out with a tidy room and a smile on her face after that.
But it never hurt as much as it did losing her. So, she turned it into a routine the following year.
For the first time in a while, Shinobu woke up a little later than she usually would. She hastily put on her uniform, slid her sword in her belt, wore her haori, and clipped on her hairpin.
Shinobu felt the three girls, Kiyo, Sumi, and Naho, before she saw them. Yet when she opened the door, they managed to catch her off guard.
"Happy birthday, sister Shinobu!" The girls chimed together, and Shinobu smelled it before she saw it.
In Sumi's hand is a bowl of hot and spicy ginger tsukudani. The aroma was hot and spicy and delicious, enough to make Shinobu's mouth water. Naho held a bowl of perfectly cooked rice, while Kiyo had chopsticks and a glass of water.
"We helped big sis Aoi make this for you!" And they trickled into the room, placing it on her table before standing off to the side.
Something real and fragile and raw broke inside her heart, and Shinobu made her way to the table while giving them a soft smile and a small pat to the head, never giving away the true, heavy feeling in her chest as she sat down and started eating it after a small mutter of prayer.
"How is it?" They sound so hopeful, so full of energy, that Shinobu doesn't have it in her to let them see her.
The real her.
"It's delicious, thank you, girls." Even their "Yay!" was synchronized, and Shinobu let them stay.
The door was wide open when Kanao walked by, backtracked and then came into the to sit down quietly beside Naho on the bed while she excitedly told her about a book she read.
A little while later, Aoi had also joined them. A few couple of sheets neatly folded in her arms as she sat down after dragging a chair beside Kanao.
And the chopsticks halt right on her lips when it dawns upon her that they're kids. Kids who work, day and night, sometimes without break, just so they can help demon slayers who are off duty.
Shinobu wondered if there are times when they just want to play. To spend just one day without seeing gruesome injuries, without doing chores.
Shinobu wondered what they'll do when they find out about her plan.
So after everyone left, Shinobu closed the door, let her back rest against it before her body twitched and bent forward with choked sobs and overflowing feelings.
She was older than Kanae now.
Eighteen.
The first Hashira meeting of the year became a trial of a boy and his demon sister. It was quite hard to believe his words. She never ate a human after her transformation? Unheard of.
But as Shinobu watched the girl turn away from Shinazugawa's bleeding arm, the Master presented his verdict and declared the siblings allies. She was in such disbelief that she didn't even need to try to keep her smile from faltering.
It remained stuck to her face.
"One demon's action doesn't determine every single one's, just like how one bad person doesn't represent the whole of humanity. I believe Shinobu; I truly, truly believe that there might be a possibility of demons living in peace with us. Even one is a lot."
Shinobu always thought that Kanae was too kind for her own good, too soft for her own good, and tried to see good in whichever situation it was possible.
Shinobu sometimes thought that Kanae was unrealistic.
But when she watched the siblings be carried, an overwhelming ache consumed her every muscle, down to her very bones, as the miracles her sister believed in disappear out of her sight.
You never hoped for much, big sis, but when you did, it was always for something within reach, no matter how impossibly far away it seemed.
The second meeting was going to be held the following night, so Shinobu took it as a chance to go to a florist in town before she headed for the graveyard.
White carnations for purity.
Yellow peonies for happiness.
Pink camellias for longing.
Shinobu is snapped out of daydreaming when she instinctively recognizes the path, and sure enough, the familiar tombstone is in her field of sight.
"Big sis." She gently mutters, laying the bouquet of fresh flowers down. "I came to you bearing good news."
Shinobu sits down, her gaze softening. "You won't believe what I just witnessed today."
She pauses just for a second, enough for a breeze to pass. "But I guess you will; after all, it's what you believed in."
She lifts a hand, fingers brushing over the top of Kanae's tombstone before she lays her palm flat against the cool surface. Shinobu's eyes feel a tad bit misty.
"Your dream came true."