The Weight of a Whisper

by Leiria

Summary:

For months, Sirius has been opening the door whenever Snivellus has knocked, and he doesn't know why. He hates it. Hates him. He tells himself that any warm body in his bed is better than a night alone, even if there's really only one person he's ever wanted to spend the nights with. Determined to end it, he tells Snape to stop coming around. Determined to keep it going, Snape offers secrets from the other side to "pay" for Sirius's services.
Some moments just aren't making sense to Sirius. Most notably, why is it that he's incapable of saying no? And what happens when he ends up on Remus's doorstep one evening after a particularly brutal encounter?
And can Regulus really help them end the war?

Notes:

Obligatory I don't own the characters, world, or anything related. JKR's a c*nt. We don't stand for bigotry here. :)

Chapter 1

Summary:

"Just agree already," Snape said. "Agree to selling yourself to me for information. You have nothing else you can offer the Order."
Sirius stood and grabbed both his coffee mug and Snape's cup of tea. He carried them both to the sink and dumped them out. He turned to look at Snape again, his bathrobe swishing with his movement. "Get the fuck out," he said. "And this time? Don't fucking come back."

Notes:

Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
Choking/Strangulation
Referenced/Implied Rape/Non-con
Non-Con Relationship Dynamics
Emotional Manipulation
Self-loathing/Internalized Shame
Panic Attack/Severe Anxiety
Verbal Abuse/Degradation
Physical Abuse/Violence

Sirius gasped for breath as he clawed at the hands around his neck. His eyes locked on the man holding him down, on his eyes that were black as pitch. The hands around his neck were tight, completely cutting off his ability to breathe. His head felt immensely full, pressing against his skull. His vision started to turn gray and staticky. His lungs desperately screamed for the air he could not breathe, no matter how hard he tried. There was no life in those black eyes. They were empty, devoid, terrifying….

Sirius's vision narrowed as the blackness began to take over. The ringing in his ears became so loud that he almost couldn't hear anything else. His heavy eyelids closed. He felt the hands fall away as he gave into the blackness, letting it take him away from the pain.

Remus….

 

* * * * *

 

Love and hate. They're two sides of the same coin, really. In a lot of ways, they're the same thing. They're both strong emotions. Hate is fueled by anger. Love is fueled by empathy. In a million lifetimes, Sirius would have never believed he'd be capable of willingly doing the things he'd been doing with his greatest enemy. They still absolutely hated each other; there was no doubt about that. Sirius felt disgusted with himself every time Snape left his flat. He'd spend more than an hour in the shower after each visit, just trying to scrub himself clean enough. He never felt clean enough. They argued more than they spoke to each other, almost as if it had become their twisted version of foreplay.

Sirius hated that he knew Snape smelled like herbs. He hated that he knew Snape had more than just the Dark Mark tattooed on his skin. He hated that he knew that Snape's hair only looked that greasy, but was actually incredibly soft.

It made him sick to know what Snape liked in the bedroom.

All of these things he knew about his greatest enemy, but he didn't know them about the only person he wanted to know them from. The person he'd been in love with since at least the age of thirteen. Not that he ever would. Remus was a world away, and Sirius would never be able to get that close to him. Getting that close would require a confession, and Sirius wasn't willing to put their friendship on the line and make things awkward between them. He'd rather be a fly on the wall of Remus's life than risk being pushed out of it.

After all, he didn't even know if Remus preferred men or women in his bed. Sirius could tell anyone almost anything else about his best friend, but not that. Remus had never given any indication. Sirius had never caught him looking at guys or girls when they were in school, though he had desperately tried. At one point, he had even tried pointing a few people out to Remus, only to receive a shrug in return. Sirius recalled one embarrassing memory where he had once asked Remus what the werewolf thought about his looks, and Remus had simply stared at him for a moment before rushing out of the library, muttering something about needing to get a different book from the dormitory.

Golden Remus was far more appealing to look at than the sallow man in Sirius's bedroom right now. Still, Sirius resigned himself to being okay with the current arrangement. For now.

Nope. Never mind. Sirius couldn't do it. He couldn't resign himself to this fate. It had reached a point where Snape's visits to Sirius's flat were no longer gratifying. There were too many times when things got out of hand. Too many times where Sirius pushed Snape too far, made him too angry. Too many times, Sirius had been physically hurt by Snape's actions.

Like that night Sirius had told Snape that Lily was getting married. Snape had acted crazy, talking about how he knew she loved him because they'd had sex once the summer before their seventh year. That didn't make any sense to Sirius because he knew Lily had been dating Mary MacDonald by then. Lily was a lot of things, but she wasn't a cheater, and she wasn't known for casual sex. Yet, Snape insisted it had happened. Sirius hadn't confronted Lily about it because it was none of his business, but, more importantly, Lily had come back to Hogwarts in their seventh year a very different girl than she had left the summer before. Sirius knew a lot could change in a very short time, but the fact that she and Mary were still together after all these years made Sirius doubt the validity of Snape's story.

In retaliation for Sirius telling Snape that Lily was getting married, and subsequently calling him a liar when he'd said they'd slept together, Snape had forced himself on Sirius, as if to prove a point. Sirius had wanted to fight back, but he'd been so frozen in the wake of Snape's anger that he sort of just… let it happen.

He'd needed a healing potion after that visit.

And he knew that he should report Snape to the authorities. Snape was a Death Eater. Death Eaters were being hunted by the Aurors all over the country. Hell, Sirius even knew he should take Snape out himself, seeing as he was in the Order and it was their duty and mission to stop the war Voldemort had started.

Every time he tried, he froze. He couldn't do it.

After all, Snape was currently the only one visiting Sirius's bed. Any warm body was better than a night alone with his demons, wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

 

Sirius sat in the kitchen of his ramshackle flat, sipping a cup of coffee. The kitchen and living room were one large room with a wooden floor in need of resurfacing, peeling linoleum in the kitchen area, and outdated appliances. Sirius sat at a circular table on a chair that had seen far better days in its glory. He had two matching yellow padded chairs and one mismatched one that he'd found by the dumpster one day. The Formica tabletop and countertops had burns, gouges, and wear marks. One cupboard door, next to the fridge, hung by one hinge.

There was a bookshelf Sirius had put up to separate the living room and kitchen from each other. It was filled mostly with Sirius's books from school that he still had. There were a few others. He had a couch in the living room that had a spring sticking out of it, and no feet. Another thing Sirius had found by the dumpster. He had an overstuffed armchair in the living room as well. It was his favorite place to sit when he was sketching. The coffee table had peeling varnish and more scuffs than Sirius could be bothered to try to get out. There was an old rug covering the rough wood floor that was so thin and worn that it was almost see-through.

What mattered most to Sirius, though, were the framed photographs on the walls that covered most of the peeling wallpaper and wood lath.

A lit cigarette burned in the brown glass ashtray next to Sirius, the smoke curling through the stale air. Sirius, sitting on one of the yellow padded chairs, looked through the small window above the sink to the gray city beyond. The rain hadn't let up for days. He watched the rivulets slide down the grungy glass. With a sigh, he set down his coffee and picked up his cigarette to take a long drag from it.

As he tapped the ashes into the ashtray, he looked at the tattoos on his left hand. Most of his tattoos were celestial, but the four on the back of his hand were not. On the webbing between his thumb and forefinger was the symbol they'd given to Remus as fifth-years. Next to it was Sirius's. Then, under his ring finger was James's. Next to that was Peter's. Their symbols were only obvious to those who knew the truth about them. Peter and James both had downward triangles, but James's had antlers where Peter's had whiskers. Sirius's was obviously a star, because what other symbol would you give someone who was named after a star? Remus's was a crescent moon for two reasons. One, because he wasn't himself on full moons when the wolf took over. Two, because circles were boring anyway.

Sirius stared at the crescent moon on his hand, absently noticing his black nail polish was chipping, wondering yet again if he would ever have the courage to make a move. Not knowing Remus's preferences gave Sirius a lot of hesitation, though. If Remus wasn't so inclined, he'd ruin their friendship. If Remus was, in fact, attracted to men but not attracted to Sirius, that could also ruin their friendship. But… what if… What if Remus felt the same way about him?

He needed to do something. Make a move? Confess? Anything would be better than nothing because nothing kept him wanting and waiting like an abandoned puppy. Wanting and waiting made it feel like a knife was piercing his chest every time Sirius gave in to Snape. Wanting and waiting made Sirius feel like he was cheating on his greatest and only love.

Was it possible to cheat on someone you weren't actually in a relationship with?

Sirius took another hit from his cigarette and tapped the ashes off again. As he blew the smoke out of his lungs, he resigned himself to ending things with Snape. It wasn't fair to either of them to keep the farce going any longer. They hated each other; there was no future on this path. This… whatever it was… needed to end before they found themselves on the opposite sides of the battlefield.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Sirius heard the sound of his bedroom door open from down the short hallway. He closed his gray eyes and rubbed at the spot where three stars decorated his right temple. He took one last drag from his cigarette before he snuffed it out in the brown glass ashtray. As he did, he hoped that Snape would just leave without a word. He did that sometimes. Other times, he'd make a cup of tea before leaving. Sirius had started drinking coffee, just so the tea wouldn't be made by the time Snape woke up. The inconvenience of having to brew the tea before he could drink it was often a deterrent for Snape, driving him from the flat sooner.

Not today, Sirius realized as Snape walked into the kitchen. Sirius refused to look at him; instead, he chose to gaze at the cupboard door that hung by a single hinge next to the fridge. Sirius had been meaning to fix it for a while now, but just hadn't had the motivation to do it. He heard Snape mutter something about the stench of coffee before he decided to help himself to some tea. Sirius finally looked at Snape as he filled the kettle with water and set it on the stove. Once set to heat up, Snape crossed his arms in front of him and leaned against the counter, black robes cascading around him.

"Is it possible for you to not look like a textbook villain?" Sirius asked.

Snape rolled his inky black eyes and pushed back the curtain of chin-length, straight black hair that framed his face. "Morning to you, too," he drawled.

Sirius shook his head as he reached for his coffee. He took a drink of the cooling liquid before he set it back down on the table. He then reached for his cigarettes, tapped one out of the soft pack, and put it between his lips. He saw the way Snape scrunched his nose from the corner of his eye as he lit the cigarette, and deeply inhaled the satisfaction of making the room more uncomfortable.

Sirius exhaled the smoke with a sigh and started absently tapping his cigarette on the edge of the ashtray.

Snape studied Sirius for a moment, taking in his gray sweatpants, bare tattooed chest, and his threadbare gray bathrobe. "What's on your mind, Black?" Snape asked.

Sirius looked directly at his hated enemy. "Just every mistake I've ever made," he replied, not taking his eyes off the other man.

"Right," Snape scoffed. "Just keep in mind that this is a mistake that could get us both killed." He pulled at the sleeves of his robes, ensuring they were covering his arms completely. "If any of them found out I was in the same room as you without trying to kill you, let alone doing the things we do, they'd take me out in an instant."

"So stop coming around," Sirius said as simply as he could. "We both hate it, and we both know it. Hate each other. There's no fucking point in keeping this bullshit up any longer."

"Fucking is the point," Snape countered. He tapped on his chin with a long, slender finger. "I rather enjoy our escapades," he said thoughtfully. "I don't think I'm quite ready for them to end just yet."

Sirius stared at Snape for a moment, wondering what gratification he actually got from their 'escapades'. For Sirius, it was nausea, disgust, and an overwhelming need to shower. It certainly wasn't something he enjoyed.

"This doesn't exhaust you?" Sirius asked. "I mean, I'm so over this that I don't think I'll answer the door the next time you knock."

Snape smirked. "Like you have a choice?" he asked. Sirius felt something cold in his stomach at the words. Even he knew that he'd still answer the door the next time Snape knocked, even if he hated it. He couldn't figure out what it was about Snape that kept him opening that door. Snape shrugged. "Like I said, I enjoy it. I don't want it to end." He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Here's a proposition for you, Black," he said with a smirk. "To keep you opening that door, I'll provide you with information from our side. Missions here and there that you and your little buddies can stop before we get away with it. Nothing crucial, of course. Nothing that will get me found out and killed. But enough that you can actually benefit Dumbledore's precious Order."

Sirius's gaze narrowed on Snape. "You're offering to be a spy, just for the chance to fuck me?" he asked, unable to believe the sentence that had just come out of his mouth.

Snape lazily shrugged his shoulders. "You have a great ass," he said simply. The kettle on the stove began to whistle, causing Snape to move. He turned off the stove and poured the water into a teacup, then grabbed a bag and dunked it into the cup before he sat down on the other padded yellow chair across the table from Sirius.

"My ass is not worth you risking your life," Sirius muttered.

"You assume my loyalty," Snape replied before he took a sip of the tea.

Sirius frowned. "If you're not loyal, why be a Death Eater?" he asked.

Snape shrugged once more. "Why not?" he asked in return. "I don't disagree with his ideology. Right now, he's just the one who's leading the fight. I like what he had to offer, so I joined up. Loyalty isn't a requirement. If you look at the lot of us, you'll find that most of us aren't the sort who get described as 'loyal'."

Sirius scoffed. "So you're all just stupid?" he asked.

Snape's nostrils flared as he glared at Sirius. "Perhaps we should just keep politics out of our relationship," he sneered.

"There's no fucking relationship!" Sirius cried. He took a final drag from his cigarette and snuffed it out. "You come over, knock on my door until I let you in, we fuck, and you try to convince me that there's something between us when I can't fucking stand you, and then you leave!" he snapped. "You're the one who's apparently fighting for a cause you don't actually give a shit about while innocent people are being tortured and murdered by your fucking friends. So, yes, you're stupid."

"Others have joined for less," Snape countered. "One joined us because his friends were mean to him, and he wanted them to suffer for it." Sirius briefly wondered who would do something like that. "And the thing you should think about," Snape continued, "is that you keep opening that door," he said, pointing his long, bony finger at Sirius's front door. "So yes, I do think I'll keep coming back, and if offering you some bullshit information about what we're doing will help me get that door open, I'll offer it."

Sirius shook his head. "No," he insisted. "You can't buy me, Snape. I'm not for fucking sale."

Snape scoffed into his tea before he took a sip. "Yes, you are," he said as he set it back on the table. "You're a bloody whore, Black. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. You're a whore with a pretty face. The only reason anyone actually crawls into your bed is because you're so easy."

Sirius felt his face get hot as he buried it in his coffee mug. He took a sip to hide his shame. He believed Snape's words, of course. Sirius had been rejected at every major point in his life by his parents and the world. He knew that he was just a whore with a pretty face. It didn't matter that he didn't want that life for himself anymore. It didn't matter that he didn't want this life anymore. He wanted more. He wanted a relationship with someone that went beyond one-night stands and the unrealistic expectation that none of his partners could possibly meet. He wanted something he wouldn't be ashamed to tell his friends about.

He had to end it.

"Just agree already," Snape said. "Agree to selling yourself to me for information. You have nothing else you can offer the Order."

Sirius stood and grabbed both his coffee mug and Snape's cup of tea. He carried them both to the sink and dumped them out. He turned to look at Snape again, his bathrobe swishing with his movement. "Get the fuck out," he said. "And this time? Don't fucking come back."

Snape's face changed to look as though he'd swallowed something bitter. He stood. "I'll prepay you for next time," he said. "You can decide if the information is worth it or not when I come back. Next Tuesday, there's going to be an attack on the head of the Department of Secrecy," he said. "Do something with that or not, I don't care. I'll be back on Wednesday. Maybe a few nights of that cold bed will help you realize that you like this as much as I do."
Sirius glared at him. "I said, 'don't come back'," he insisted.

Snape smirked. "Make me," he said before he Disapparated.

Sirius took a shaky breath. He felt his entire body start to tremble and slowly sank to the floor, sliding down the cabinet door. His entire body trembled, his heart pounded in his chest, and tears burned in his eyes. His breaths started coming quicker. He started to rock back and forth on the floor. A sob pushed its way through his throat and escaped. He tried to slow down his breathing, but all he could think about was Snape's return in a week and how much he didn't want it to happen.

"FUCK!" he shouted as he slammed the side of his fist into the cabinet next to him. The pain helped him focus, and he did it three more times before he broke down in tears, desperate for help. He drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, burying his face in the circle of his arms, and screamed again.

 

Hours later, Sirius walked through the streets of Hogsmeade. He had recovered from his earlier panic attack, taken a shower, and decided that the information, even if potentially fake, was worth passing on. He wore tight black jeans with a hole in the knee, a studded belt, a t-shirt with the name of a Muggle metal band on it, and, of course, his leather jacket. His biker boots crunched on the cobblestones as he walked through the town. The wind played with his loose curls as he walked, blowing them in front of his face. Sirius reached up and brushed his hair over to the other side of his head. 

He looked up at the gray sky. At least it isn't raining here, he thought to himself as he approached the street he wanted. He walked up to the space between two houses and thought about the Order's headquarters. It sprang up between the houses, pushing them apart as it formed. Sirius pulled out his wand as he walked up to the door and tapped it twice, paused, and then three times. He heard the door unlock and grasped the handle to turn the knob. As he opened the door, he found himself in Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts.

It hadn't changed since his days at school. Sirius vividly remembered the last time he'd been in the office – the night of that awful prank he'd tried to pull over on Snape. James had saved all three of them that day, and he didn't even know how severe the situation could have become.

The walls were still lined with numerous shelves and countless books. There were four narrow and tall portraits at the back, each one decorated with colors from each of the four Houses. Sirius always assumed that they were the Founders' portraits. Behind him, framing the door, were the portraits of the previous headmasters. All of them were empty. Near the large bay windows was an astrological mechanism that Sirius had always been curious about.

In the center of the room was Dumbledore's desk, cluttered as it always was. Behind it, Dumbledore looked at him over his half-moon glasses, his long beard tucked into his colorful robes. He smiled at Sirius as he closed the door behind him.

"Ah, what can I do for you, Sirius?" the headmaster asked.

Sirius sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Sir, I… I think I have a tip about an attack planned for next Tuesday," he said, sounding as uncertain as he felt. Dumbledore gave him a curious look, so Sirius rushed to provide the only information he knew: the target and the time. "I- I don't know if it's genuine," he said. "It might be a trap or a trick or something else. I got the information directly from a Death Eater who's trying to extort me, so it could honestly be fake, but I think it's worth checking out either way."

Dumbledore nodded at him. "I agree," he said. "I'll make sure to let you know how it goes."

Sirius's heart skipped a beat. "Sir – I don't mind being there," he said. "Really."

"I do," Dumbledore replied. Sirius felt his heart plummet into his stomach. Did Dumbledore not trust him now? Sirius frowned at him, feeling tears in his eyes again. "Sirius, you just came in here and told me that a Death Eater has provided you with information and you're not sure if their intentions are genuine," Dumbledore explained. "There is not a single scenario I can think of where I would put you in a position where you could become potential bait or trophy."

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but he was shaking too much to get a clear word out. He swallowed the sob that threatened to escape him. He took a breath to calm himself down, but his heart was pounding. "Sir, please," he whispered. "I need –" Tears blurred his vision. He rubbed his eyes and nodded. "I understand, Sir," he whispered.

"Sirius?" Dumbledore asked. "Is there something else you need to tell me?"

Sirius immediately shook his head, knowing he couldn't bear to say the words out loud. "No," he gasped.

Dumbledore stood and walked around his desk. He reached out and put a hand on Sirius's shoulder, and it was everything the younger man could do to not break down. Dumbledore met Sirius's eyes. "I urge you to reconsider any sort of relationship you and this Death Eater may have," he said softly. Sirius nodded as tears fell from his eyes. "Whatever situation you're in, it's clearly painful for you. I would rather not lose you because of whatever you've found yourself mixed up in. We have spies in their ranks already. It is not worth your dignity."

Sirius let out another sob. "I'm trying," he whispered.

Dumbledore looked at him with sadness in his eyes. "May I suggest making yourself less available?" he asked. Sirius nodded. He could try that. "And," Dumbledore continued, "perhaps, if you know his identity, you might consider alerting the Aurors so that they can also look for him."

Sirius nodded again. "Yeah," he agreed. 

Dumbledore smiled and patted Sirius's shoulder. "Remember, help is always available at Hogwarts to those who deserve it," he said.

Sirius's stomach sank. He didn't deserve it. He swallowed the lump in his throat and wiped away his tears. "I know, Sir," he said before he pulled away and rushed back through the door and onto the Hogsmeade street once more, slamming the door shut behind him. He started running without caring what direction he was going. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of the Shrieking Shack.

Moony, what would you think of what I've become? he wondered as he looked up at the most "haunted" house in the country. All roads lead to you, don't they?

Chapter 2

Summary:

Opalescent sparkles spewed from her wand and landed on every part of Sirius. After a moment, the sparkles began to glow red and rise up off him, forming symbols in the air. Lily dutifully copied them down in her notebook before she let out a gasp. She looked at Sirius, heartbroken, and brought her hand up to her mouth.
"How bad is it?" Sirius asked.
Lily took in a breath as tears welled up in her eyes. "Very," she whispered.

Notes:

Trigger Warnings:

Brief depiction of blood
Depictions of vomit
Mentions of physical violence
Discussions of sexual assault/rape
Panic Attacks/Severe Anxiety
Coercion/Non-Consensual Control
Magical Assault/Control
Character in distress

Tuesday rolled around, just as dreary as it had been the previous week. There had been a single day where the sun had come out, for just a single afternoon, before the storms rolled back in. Sirius sat, curled up in his overstuffed armchair, sketchbook in his hand and pencil feverishly scratching across the page as he drew Remus's wolf. He'd needed to distract himself from the day, so the loud music playing on his record player and his sketchbook were as good as he was going to get. Freddie Mercury's melodic voice filled the air around Sirius and was loud enough that he didn't hear the owl at his window until it screeched at him.

Sirius jumped, instinctively pulling his pencil away from the paper as he did. He looked up at the window with his heart racing. He took a couple of breaths to steady himself before he set the sketchbook down on the coffee table and unfolded himself from the chair. He stood on bare feet for a moment before he stepped up to the couch. He knelt on one knee as he stretched over the back of the couch to open the window.

The barn owl pecked at his fingers as he reached for the note it carried for him. Sirius jerked his hand back and glared at the owl with icy eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," he snapped at it. "If you'd like to be on your way, let me get it."

The owl screeched at him again. Sirius moved more slowly this time to reach for the note. This time, the owl let him have it before it screeched one last time and flew off. Sirius closed the window and noticed that the owl had injured his finger and that he was now bleeding between his first and second knuckles on his index finger. Sirius put his finger in his mouth, sucking on the injury. He twisted to sit down on the couch, one leg folded under him and the other bent in front of him. He pulled his hand away from his mouth and looked at the cut. It was still bleeding, so Sirius wiped it on his black band t-shirt. He pinched some of the fabric over the wound and pressed down on it, wincing from the sharp pain. After a moment, he pulled his finger away again to see if the bleeding had stopped. It hadn't, so Sirius got up and walked into his bathroom, tossing the unopened note on the coffee table.

He opened the medicine cupboard and grabbed a small jar of salve that would take care of his finger in an instant. He opened it and saw that it was virtually empty. He cursed himself for not getting more and scooped up the tiny amount inside to rub on his finger. As he rubbed it in, the injury healed and soon was nothing more than a memory. Sirius tossed the jar into the trash in his bathroom before he walked back into the living room.

Sirius flopped back into his overstuffed armchair and reached for the note. He broke the seal on it and instantly recognized Marlene McKinnon's chaotic handwriting on the paper, which was both a mix of lower and uppercase letters that somehow also blended print and cursive. Seeing her handwriting, Sirius knew what the note contained before he even read it.

 

S-

Hey, Took caRe of that thing for You. It was LeGit.

-MM

 

Sirius's hand clenched around the note as tears burned in his eyes. He tossed it into the fireplace before he grabbed one of the throw pillows. He curled up around it, clutching it tightly to him. He bowed his head, his hair falling around his face and curtaining him off from the rest of the world. He grabbed his wand from the coffee table and waved it at his record player, stopping the music. The sound of the storm outside cascaded around him as thunder crashed in the sky.

Sirius felt burning bile rise up in his throat, which he swallowed down. His stomach twisted into painful knots. While he was glad that his fellow Order members had been able to thwart the attack, the fact that there was one meant that Snape's tip was genuine. The information was good, which was not good for Sirius, as he still hadn't figured out how to keep the cycle from repeating. He felt he now owed Snape, which was not a feeling he was comfortable with.

The bile rose in his throat again. Sirius, knowing that he wouldn't be able to swallow it down again, promptly sprang up from the comfortable chair and darted around the bookcase to get to the sink just in time to retch the contents of his empty stomach, holding his hair out of his face instinctually.

When he finished, Sirius rinsed his mouth and the sink with a shaky hand. He dried his hands off before running them through his hair to fluff it back out. He dropped onto the mismatched kitchen chair and reached for his cigarettes. He tapped one out of the pack and lit it. He leaned back in the chair as he exhaled the smoke toward the ceiling, which he stared at blankly for a few minutes.

On one hand, Snape's information was good. Sirius reasoned that he would ultimately be willing to sacrifice his body to keep it coming, but that wouldn't end the situation he was desperate to end. And, to counter the point, he also reasoned that it was good this time. What if it was only good this time, and future tips would be less valid? Also, suppose he continued down that line of thinking. What if the information Snape fed him was only enough for the Order to be a minor irritating gnat in Voldemort's life and not enough to actually make any headway? Snape had said that he'd only provide information that wouldn't get him caught or killed, so there was reason to believe that he would never offer anything substantial. Plus, Sirius realized, there was no way for Snape to continue this because eventually it would lead to them figuring out that he was giving information to the other side, which could actually lead to a trap. And what if they tracked him to Sirius's flat? That would only amplify the danger, rather than mitigate it.

Sirius picked himself up and took a hit from his cigarette before he tapped the ashes into the brown glass ashtray. He absently started to rub his crescent moon tattoo on his hand. He thought about the past few months. Meeting by chance at the pub. Sirius had been sure Snape was going to hit him that night, but instead he'd kissed him. Sirius still couldn't figure out why. Nor could he figure out why he hadn't pushed Snape off like he'd wanted and hit him instead. He remembered feeling frozen from the shock of it all. And then, for some unfathomable reason, they'd gotten a room and gone upstairs. Then, two weeks later, they'd happened on each other again. That time, Sirius had brought Snape back to his flat, even though he'd never wanted to repeat the experience. Yet, when Snape had asked him to, Sirius had brought him home.

He took another drag and sighed as he let it out.

On the other hand, to drag him back to his previous line of thinking, Dumbledore had explicitly told him to put distance between them. Dumbledore was confident that they had more than enough spies within Voldemort's ranks, but not nearly enough fighters. Sirius was putting himself at risk just by his proximity to Snape, which was also calling into question not just his loyalties, but his judgment.

And then there was his visceral reaction to the news that the tip had been good. Shouldn't he take into consideration that he had become physically ill at the thought that Snape would be back for more? His heart and mind screamed at him to bring an end to this, to keep Snape from coming back in any way possible…

To never open the door to Snape again.

Tears burned in Sirius's eyes and started to fall. His vision swam in front of him. He buried his head in his arms, folding them over his head, keeping his burning cigarette away from his hair. He let out a sob. While the Order had a victory today, Sirius felt one step closer to losing his own personal war. He knew he couldn't go to James and Remus for help. They were the only two people on the planet he would dare trust with this information, but they would never understand, and he couldn't bear the sight of their disappointed faces.

But… were they the only two he could talk to?

Sirius thought of Lily. If she had been a willing participant that one night Snape decreed was his personal crowning glory, she'd be able to relate to what Sirius was going through. If she hadn't been a willing participant, as Sirius strongly suspected, she might be able to advise him on how to get away.

The problem was that it was a Tuesday, late in the afternoon, and he had no idea where she could be.

Sirius took a final drag from his cigarette and snuffed it out. He thought for just a moment longer before he stood up and opened a drawer. He grabbed a spare bit of parchment and a pen – one of the greatest things Lily and Remus had introduced him to was Muggle clicky pens. He returned to his table and lit another cigarette as he put the tip of the pen to the page.

 

Lily–

Need to talk to you about something Sirius.

Loves ★

 

With that, Sirius tapped the parchment with his wand. The parchment folded itself up into a small square before it disappeared, heading directly to wherever Lily was. Sirius sat for a moment longer. He thought about everything he had learned at Hogwarts, from his parents, and even his extra-curricular activities. There had to be something up his sleeve that would work to keep Snape away from him. Some way of making it so Snape couldn't enter the apartment. He lit another cigarette, needing something to take the edge off.

Sirius's skills were in Charms, Transfiguration, and Potions. He was a fairly decent duelist. But then, Sirius knew Snape was good at those things as well. And, Sirius remembered vividly, there was that spell that Snape had created. Sectum-something. Sirius didn't know what the incantation was, but he knew he didn't want to get hit with it again. He'd almost died at Hogwarts because Snape had used it on him. He would have, had Lily not found him and immediately started healing him while Mary ran off to get a professor.

A knock on the door jolted Sirius out of his thoughts, and he jumped to his feet, his chair clattering on the floor behind him. His chest heaved, and his heart started pounding. Snape had said he was coming tomorrow – had he come a day early just to torment Sirius?

"Sirius?" he heard Lily's voice ask. "You okay?"

Relief flooded him. Sirius swiftly walked to the door and opened it, smiling at the young woman on the other side. "Lily," he said with a smile.

She smiled at him and kissed his cheek as he let her in. Her vivid green eyes scanned the room, and she saw the chair toppled over on the floor. "I got your note," she said thoughtfully. "Didn't have anything going on, so I figured I'd come over and see what's up."

Sirius cleared his throat before he rushed into the kitchen to pick up the chair. Lily followed him, looking around the apartment as she did. "Do you like living like this?" she asked.

Sirius glanced at the cupboard door and the other broken things in his home. "Uh… no, just… haven't wanted to fix anything in a while," he confessed. "I've been… dealing with something." He cleared his throat. "Drink?"

Lily smiled. "Sure," she said. "Tea?"

Sirius nodded and busied himself with getting the kettle on the stove to heat up. Lily sat down at the kitchen table on one of the padded yellow chairs. She looked at the overflowing ashtray, the broken cupboard door, and the mismatched, worn furniture. "You know, I think I expected Remus's place to look like this, not yours," she confessed.

Sirius let out a short laugh. "Right?" he asked. He shrugged his shoulders. "I just don't care about this place enough," he said. "Too many bad memories here. I need to move."

"And yet you're not?" Lily asked. Her eyes fell on the rubbish bin, so she grabbed the ashtray and emptied it. When she sat down again, she studied Sirius. His head hung, his curls weren't as bouncy as they usually were, and there were dark circles under his eyes. She could tell that he'd been losing weight as well, because his normally tight pants were looking too loose around the waist. The neck of his shirt fell over one shoulder, exposing a line of tattooed foot and paw prints. He bit at his painted fingernails, causing them to chip. He wore two necklaces, a silver star and a golden moon. She also noticed that the permanent grin on his face was oddly absent. "What's going on, Sirius?" she asked.

Sirius took a drag from his cigarette before he turned to knock the ashes off into the sink. He stared at Lily for a moment, taking in her smoothed hair, her concerned eyes, the way her eyebrows came together in worry, and her mouth was thin. He noticed, for the first time, that she was dressed in robes, which was unusual for her. He realized she must have come from work. He bit his lip, feeling tears in his eyes that he swiftly blinked away. "I need an answer to a question I think is going to be extremely uncomfortable for you, but I'm mixed up in something I can't seem to find a way out of," he confessed. 

Lily blinked at him, unable to fathom what it could have to do with her. "Okay," she said. "You're free to ask me anything, just understand that there are some things that I might be able or willing to talk about."

Sirius nodded. "And you're free to tell me to fuck off, because this is…." Sirius sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He sucked in another drag from his cigarette before he dropped it in the sink and turned the water on to put it out. He blew the smoke out through his nose as he chewed his bottom lip, feeling nervous and not sure how to deal with that because he's really never nervous unless he's with Remus. 

"Just ask me, Sirius," Lily said, her worry mounting with every moment.

He met her eyes, looking helpless. He sighed again. "Did Snape… rape you?" he asked, his voice high and scared.

Lily froze. For a moment, the only movement in her body was the rapid rise and fall of her chest with each breath. She swallowed. "How the fuck do you know about that?" she whispered.

Sirius cleared his throat and started pacing between his stove and fridge. "Because it's not the way he talks about it," he explained. "And given my experience with him, his forcefulness, his need to be dominant, and his inability to take no for an answer, I just… didn't believe his version of events."

Lily made a fist with her hand on the table. She cleared her throat again. The kettle whistled, and Sirius pulled it off to fill the teapot. He put it, along with a couple of cups, on the table. Sirius kept pacing, pinching his lip between his thumb and forefinger. His heart hammered in his chest. He expertly pulled his hair up and cinched it into a bun on the top of his head. A few hairs hung in front of his face, but he didn't seem to notice them.

Lily watched him, recognizing the nervous energy coming off him in waves. "What are you doing getting mixed up with him?" she asked. "You know he's a Death Eater."

Sirius nodded as he pivoted on his bare foot. "I know," he said. "I-I-" he let out a breathy sob. Tears welled up in his eyes. "I don't know how it happened," he said, his voice still tight. His chin quivered as his tears started to fall. "One minute, we were fighting," he explained. "The next, we were fucking, and I have no idea how we got from A to B. Now he keeps coming back, no matter how many times I've told him to stop."

Lily looked down at her hands. "Yeah," she said softly. "He's like that."

Sirius reached for his cigarettes on the table and pulled one out. Lily held her hand out before he could light it. He hesitated. "Thought you quit," he said.

"You just brought up the reason I started in the first place, so give me a fucking cigarette," she demanded.

Sirius didn't need her to elaborate. Instead, he pulled out another cigarette and handed it to her. She grabbed his lighter before he could and lit her cigarette before handing it to him so that he could light his own.

"How'd you get him to leave you alone?" Sirius asked as he sat down.

Lily exhaled the smoke from her lungs as she shook her head. "Threatened to cut off his dick if I ever saw him again," she said as she poured herself some tea. Sirius reached for the teapot as she set it down and poured himself a cup. He curled up on his chair, drawing his knees up. He took a sip from his tea before he set it back down and tapped his ashes off into the ashtray.

"I might try that," Sirius said. "That's not a bad idea."

Lily stared at him, her eyes shimmering with tears. "He–" her voice cracked. She cleared her throat. "He told you I was willing?" she asked.

Sirius nodded. He took a drag from his cigarette. "He claims it was this whole romantic thing at the park by your house," he said. He blew the rest of the smoke out. "Says he doesn't understand why you suddenly decided after that you didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Maintains that he did nothing wrong and that he was always there for you. Which, I know, is all bullshit because I was fucking there too and I saw the way he treated you. It's one of the reasons we were dicks to him."

A bitter laugh burst out of Lily. "That's fucking rich," she muttered. She stood up and started pacing the kitchen, following the same path Sirius had walked. She had one arm tucked under her chest. In her other hand, she held her cigarette and tapped her lips with her fingers. "Romantic?" she asked. She shook her head. "No, you wanna know what happened?" she asked, her eyes locked on Sirius. He nodded, encouraging her to continue. "It was six days before we went back to Hogwarts for our seventh year," she explained. "I'd just had an all-out row with Tunia because she was jealous, yet again, that I got all this power and she was just a perfectly average girl. So I walked out of the house because I was genuinely about to hit her. I got to the park, I sat down by the bank of the stream that flows through it, and I started crying. She's my big sister, you know? It hurt that she couldn't just be happy for me for fuck's sake!" She sighed and ran her empty hand through her hair before she took a hit from her cigarette. She quickly tapped the ashes off into the sink. "I was sitting in the grass, it was late at night, and I was thinking about the next year because it was the last one, and how I was ending my last summer fighting with my sister over genetics."

Lily turned and took another drag from her cigarette. "And then that fucker shows up," she spat. She exhaled. "He sat next to me, apologized for everything he'd ever said that hurt me. Confessed that he was in love with me and that he wanted to do whatever it took to convince me that we were meant to be together."

She looked at Sirius. "Know what I told him?" she asked.

Sirius exhaled the smoke from his cigarette. "That you're a lesbian," he said simply, tapping his ashes into the tray. 

Lily nodded. "Exactly," she whispered. She let out a bitter chuckle. "Mary and I were already dating; we were just trying to keep it as out of the gossip pool as we could," she said. Sirius nodded, remembering that he'd known that they were already together by that point. "Of course, he didn't believe me. Lily Evans, a lesbian?" she asked. "The audacity!" Lily shook her head and took another drag from her cigarette.

"And that's when he attacked me," she whispered through the smoke, tears falling from her brilliant green eyes. She mimed a hand on her neck. "He held me down, with his hand on my neck," she said, her voice cracking again. Her lips started to shake as she took an even shakier breath. "I was wearing a skirt that night," she continued. "Big mistake, apparently." Her face wrenched with emotion as she shook her head. "Bastard stole my fucking knickers that night," she whispered. She let out a sob and furiously wiped the tears from her eyes. She took another hit from her cigarette before she tossed the butt into the sink. She met Sirius's eyes again. "Get away from him," she begged. "Before it's too late and he hurts you."

Sirius took a final drag from his cigarette before he snuffed it out. He uncurled from the chair and stood up, holding his hand out to her, offering her comfort but not daring to touch her if she didn't want him to. Lily stared at his hand for a moment before she took it, and Sirius drew her in for a hug. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and closed his eyes.

"Bit too late for that," he confessed, his voice rough. 

Lily pulled away from him and reached for the tissues on the table. She cleaned up her face and blew her nose before tossing the tissue in the rubbish bin. She looked at him again before she sat down. "No one knows, do they?" she asked. "Remus? Potter? You haven't told them."

Sirius shook his head as he sat back down in his chair. He immediately pulled his legs up again and wrapped his arms around his legs. "I can't," he said softly. "Even if I wanted to, they'd think I've gone mad." He sighed as he closed his eyes. "Maybe they'd be right," he said softly. He looked at the tattoo on his hand again, wishing he could reach out to them for help. "The worst part is, I have feelings for someone, and every time he comes over, I feel like another part of me dies." He shook his head and bowed it for a moment before he reached for his cigarettes again. He tossed the soft pack on the table after pulling one out. He lit it, inhaled deeply, and exhaled slowly. Lily reached out and grabbed another one as well. "I keep starting fights with him," he said. "Keep pissing him off. The night I told him you were getting married and he'd never have a shot with you… told him he was worth nothing more than the shit on the bottom of a shoe…. That was the most aggressive he's ever been with me. Forced me, that night." he shook his head. "I was so fucking scared." he closed his eyes, causing tears to fall from the edges. "I don't know what to do, Lil," he whispered.

Lily cleared her throat. "It doesn't sound like you're very willing to be with him," she observed, blowing out her smoke. "Why does it keep happening?"

Sirius shook his head. He drew off his cigarette again before he met her eyes, tears falling from them again. "I don't know," he whispered. "I've told him countless times to stop coming back. Told him no so many times. And yet, when he knocks on that door, I answer it, and I don't fucking understand why," he said in a soft, trembling voice.

"Are you spelled?" Lily asked.

Sirius blinked. "I… I don't know," he said, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. He shook his head. "I honestly don't know. I might be," he whispered.

"Sirius… if you are, that means none of it was consensual, you realize that, right?" she asked.

Sirius's breath started coming faster. His heart pounded in his chest again. More tears fell from his eyes. "I–" he couldn't finish speaking because the sob forced its way out of him. Lily put down her cigarette and stepped around the table. She knelt in front of him, careful not to touch him yet. Sirius stared at her through blurry vision and sobs that shook him. She held out her hand and Sirius gripped it tightly. She straightened before she hugged him, and he clung to her, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Breathe," she whispered to him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. "Need you to breathe."

Sirius sucked in a shaking breath and started to cough. Lily took his cigarette from him as he stood and rushed to the sink to retch again. Coughing, he dropped to his knees in front of the sink, holding on to the counter. Lily sat on the floor next to him and grabbed his hand again.

"I'm here," she said. "Just breathe for me."

Sirius nodded to her and tried to focus on his breathing, but the only thing playing through his head was her words: none of it was consensual.

After a few long, agonizing minutes, Sirius finally stopped hyperventilating. He sat on the floor, his back to the stove. "I'm sorry," he said as Lily stood to grab the tissues for him. Sirius cleaned his face and blew his nose.

"Don't be sorry; you've done nothing wrong," Lily said softly. "We need to figure out if you're cursed or not," she said. She sat back down on the floor with Sirius. "I need to get a couple of things together before I can do it," she said. "Is tomorrow a good day for you?" she asked.

Sirius shook his head. "He's coming tomorrow," he said.

"Then we need to do it tomorrow," Lily insisted. "And you should find somewhere else to be." She shook her head. "I'll try and get everything together to do it tonight, but it'd be late, and I don't know how much of this you want Mary to know. If she sees you come over, she'll have questions."

"Tomorrow then," Sirius thickly replied. He sniffled.

"Okay," Lily agreed. "Come by my house first thing," she said. "And please, don't let him find you tomorrow," she begged. "He's dangerous, Sirius. I know you know that, but I promise you, he will kill you if you don't get out."

Sirius sighed. "He gives me information that can help the Order," he whispered.

Lily shook her head. "It's not worth it!" she urgently said. "Even Dumbledore would tell you that!"

Sirius let out a bitter chuckle. "He has," he said.

"But you're still going to be here?" she asked.

Sirius nodded, looking at her. "I don't have a choice," he whispered.

Lily shook her head. "I'll be back here in a few hours," she said. "I'll get the stuff and then come here. We're going to find out, tonight, if you're cursed."

Sirius nodded. "Okay," he whispered.

"And then, if you are, I'm calling Remus."

Sirius shook his head violently. "No!" he cried. "No, you can't tell him," he begged. He reached for her and held her by her shoulders. "You swear to me you won't tell him!" he said, shaking her slightly. "Swear it!" he demanded. 

"Okay, I swear!" Lily said, her eyes wide.

Sirius instantly relaxed. "Thank you," he said.

"Oh my god," she whispered. "It's him, isn't it?" she asked. "The someone else?"

Sirius's eyes widened with fear again.

"You've never told him…."

Sirius shook his head again. "I can't," he said, his voice cracking again. "He'd never speak to me again."

Lily sighed, wanting to tell him the truth but knowing he couldn't handle it yet. "Oh, Sirius," she whispered. She sighed. "Okay, um…." She ran her hand through her hair again. "Give me a couple of hours. I'll be back as soon as I can," she said.

Sirius nodded. "I'll be here," he whispered.

 

True to her word, Lily returned a few hours later. When she knocked, she announced herself, and Sirius didn't panic this time. He uncurled from the chair and walked over to the door, opening it and wordlessly letting her in. She had a bag over her shoulder, and she walked directly into the kitchen. She pointed to the chair. "Sit," she said.

She dug through her bag and started pulling things out and setting them on the table. Sirius, numb, sat on the chair next to her, waiting for further instructions. He pulled his knees up and folded his arms over his knees, resting his head on them. After a moment, she tapped his hand. Sirius looked up to see her holding a stone out to him. He took it and looked at it once it was in his palm. It was a polished stone that almost looked like motor oil in water. There were lines criss-crossing the stone, and it shimmered in the light, giving it an almost opalescent hue. He looked back at Lily. "Labradorite?" he asked.

Lily nodded. "Great for helping reveal hidden truths," she said. Next, she handed him a potion. "This will also help. Drink up."

Sirius accepted the vial in his other hand. He pulled the stopper out and put it to his lips before he tipped his head back and swallowed it in one gulp. It had a strong, unique flavor that he couldn't decide if he liked or not, but it kind of reminded him of rosemary.

Finally, Lily grabbed her wand. She waved it in a circle above Sirius's head. "Occulta carmina revelare," she said.

Opalescent sparkles spewed from her wand and landed on every part of Sirius. After a moment, the sparkles began to glow red and rise up off him, forming symbols in the air. Lily dutifully copied them down in her notebook before she let out a gasp. She looked at Sirius, heartbroken, and brought her hand up to her mouth.

"How bad is it?" Sirius asked.

Lily took in a breath as tears welled up in her eyes. "Very," she whispered.

Sirius bowed his head again. "What did he do?" he asked.

Lily cleared her throat. "It's…. He's made another curse," she explained. "It, uh…." She took a deep breath and let it out in a huff. "He modified the Imperius Curse," she explained. Sirius's head snapped up in her direction, his jaw slack. "That's–" her voice cracked. She bit her lip and blinked away tears. "That's why you keep answering the door," she whispered. Sirius's ears started to ring. "It's low-level control," she continued. "Enough that you're still able to get angry about what he's doing to you, you can argue with him, you can hate everything, but you still do it. You still do exactly what he wants. And it doesn't give you that drugged feeling that Imperius usually gives people. It's almost undetectable."

Sirius felt like he'd been dunked in ice water. "You're–" his voice broke. Tears burst from his eyes and blurred his vision. "You're telling me, for sure, that none of what I've done in the past few months has actually been my decision?" he whispered.

Lily shook her head. "No, not when it comes to him," she whispered. "We need to break this," she said. "I don't even know where to start, though. I have to study the components of the spell, but I don't even know the incantation."

Sirius shook his head. "Probably some variation of the actual curse," he suggested.

Nodding, Lily started to pack her bag back up. Sirius held the stone out to her, and Lily shook her head. "Keep it," she said. "It might help you."

Sirius looked at it in his hand. "It's too small to bludgeon him with," he said.

Lily let out a surprised chuckle. "You may find other uses," she said. She bit her lip. "I'm going to try just a standard dispel," she said. "I mean, I doubt it'll work, but it's worth a shot."

Sirius nodded.

Lily raised her wand and cast the spell. "Anything?" she asked after a moment.

Sirius shook his head. "I don't feel any different," he said.

"You still feel compelled to be here with him tomorrow?" she asked. He nodded. She sighed. "Okay," she said. "I'm going to have to do a lot of research on this spell," she said. She looked at him apologetically. "I have to call Remus," she said. Sirius's eyes widened. "I won't tell him," she promised. "But I need his help with this. He's the best researcher I know. I need him."

Sirius sighed. He rubbed the crescent moon tattoo on his hand. "You promise?" he asked. She nodded. He sighed again. "Yeah, call him," he said.

Lily shoved her notebook into her bag. "I'm going to get on this right away, Sirius," she promised. "I just can't… I can't guarantee that I'll have an answer before he comes."

Sirius nodded. "I know," he said softly.

She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "Thanks," he said.

 

Notes:

So Snape's tip turned out to be legit. And we find out he's downright nasty by creating a new curse that modifies Imperius? So rude. Oh, and Sirius isn't his first victim? Our girl Lily is on his list, too? Ugh. Piece of work.

As a word of warning, the next chapter is really rough.

Chapter 3

Summary:

"Reggie?" Sirius asked, looking into the mirror. "Reggie, can you hear me?"
To his relief, his brother appeared in the mirror a moment later. "Sirius?" he asked in disbelief. He frowned. "What do you want?"

Notes:

🛑THIS CHAPTER IS HEAVY, YALL. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THESE ARE TRIGGERING FOR YOU.🛑
Trigger warnings for this chapter:
On Screen! Rape/Sexual Violence
On Screen! Sexual Assault/Non-Con Sexual Content
On Screen! Physical Abuse/Violence
Choking/Strangulation (minor/non-fatal)
Suicidal Ideation
Graphic Descriptions of Injury
Blood
Implied Trauma/PTSD
Mental Health Issues
Depictions of Anxiety/Depression/Distress
Forced Submission/Forced Action
Improper Use of Medical Care
Depictions of Disassociation
Implied Vomiting/Malnourishment/Eating Issues

The hours ticked on. Sirius watched the clock as it slowly ticked, the only sound in the room. He chain-smoked his way through an entire pack as he sat on the overstuffed chair in his living room. He promised himself that, whether Lily was able to lift the curse in time or not, he would fight it. He would push back against Snape's demands. He would refuse to let him in. He would do it. After all, he had a strong personality and a strong will was the only way to counter the Imperius Curse once it had taken hold. Sirius could do this.

His heart raced in his chest. His stomach refused food and drink, sending him to the toilet or sink to retch for even attempting to drink a sip of water. He felt clammy. He didn't even bother getting dressed. Gray sweatpants and a gray bathrobe hung on him. He noticed he'd started to lose weight. He felt thin and frail. He didn't have much he could afford to lose, but with his stomach rejecting everything… he didn't have much say in it either.

He'd tried to draw to take his mind off things and pass the time, but even that was a wasted effort. He'd stared at the page, unable to even add the slightest detail. He'd put the sketchbook away hours ago. He felt frozen. His brain begged for him to do something – anything – to take his mind off of what was coming, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't get up. He couldn't move. It had been two days now since he'd last taken a shower. His hair hung in ropes around his face. He hadn't even brushed his teeth. What was the point?

He could end it before Snape even arrived. Just take his own life. Stop the torture. Stop the violence. Only Lily would know the real reason why. 

But the thought of Remus grieving him made his chest hurt. The thought of James never understanding…. Hell, even the thought of Regulus, his brother he hadn't spoken to in over a year, finding out he was dead was enough to stay Sirius's hand.

All of them before he even allowed himself to touch on Lily and her hard work at finding a countercurse.

No, he'd live. He'd endured worse torture at the hands of his mother. Those nights she'd withheld food from him had prepared him for days like this. The beatings, the curses, the evil things she'd said to him… She'd prepared him for this.

As broken as Sirius might be, he still had a little life left in him. He wasn't ready to snuff that out just yet.

Knock. Knock.

Sirius stared at the door, his heart pounding in his chest. He told himself not to move. Not to get up. He told himself to stay– SIT DOWN! he begged himself. He felt tears burn at his eyes as his body moved despite his mental protests. His face contorted as his hand moved toward the doorknob on its own. He looked away as he opened the door and stepped away from it.

Snape stepped in with a sneer on his face. He snapped the door shut behind him. Snape reached out and grabbed Sirius by the throat. He struggled to breathe. Snape pulled him in close. "On your fucking knees," he said.

Slowly, Sirius lowered himself to his knees. Snape let him go, and he sucked in a breath. Sirius screamed in his head, but his body was numb to him. He felt like he was beating on the bars of a cage he couldn't open.

Snape grabbed a fistful of Sirius's hair at the top of his head. "Open your mouth," he ordered.

Sirius struggled against the spell. He was furious that he was so powerless once again. He'd thought those days were behind him once he'd left Grimmauld. He clenched his jaw and felt himself shake with the effort.

His reward was Snape's fist to the side of his face. Sirius crumpled to the floor, the pain exploding through his head. He cried out. He looked up at Snape through blurry eyes. "Why?" he croaked.

Snape shrugged his shoulders. "Because I fucking can, Black," he snapped before he reached down and grabbed another fistful of Sirius's hair and pulled him up to his knees again. "Now open your mouth." 

Sirius wanted to vomit. This time, his mouth opened, even though he struggled against it.

Snape smirked as he unbuckled his pants. He didn't even have to tell Sirius what he wanted; Sirius just automatically did it, even though tears were streaming from his eyes. And while he couldn't keep his mouth closed, he could keep from being an active participant. If he had to be an unwilling participant in Snape's pleasure, he would at least try to do what he could to discourage him from wanting it again.

Snape made a frustrated sound, and the next thing Sirius knew, he had been hit again. The pain was just as intense as the first time, if not more so, because it was in the same spot as the first one. Sirius saw tiny pinpricks of light in his vision as the room spun around him. He collapsed again, hitting his head on the floor as he crumpled. He could no longer see out of his left eye; there were so many spots. The rest of his vision had started to go gray.

Before he could react, Snape picked him up by his hair again. This time, it was all the way to his feet before he shoved Sirius toward the couch. Sirius stumbled and fell over the coffee table. He tried to get up, but Snape had him again, pulling him to his feet and shoving him the rest of the way. Sirius tried to pick himself up, but Snape was there again. He grabbed Sirius by the hair and pulled his head up. He put his mouth close to Sirius's ear. "If you're not going to make this worth my time, I won't give you anything," he said. "You can participate, or I can just take what I want and walk away. Your choice, Black."

Sirius felt more tears on his cheeks. Choice? He didn't have choices.

"I'm not here for a wet hole," Snape sneered.

Sirius felt the laughter bubble up in his throat before he let it out. "Yes, you are," he replied, his voice rough. "So get it fucking over with and leave me alone."

Snape roared before he slammed Sirius's head into the arm of the sofa. The same side of his face that had already been abused hit the wood in the arm, and he bit back a cry of pain. Snape forced him into position and then knelt behind him, yanking his sweatpants down. Sirius saw his wand on the table in front of him. He willed himself to reach for the wand, but his hands didn't move. "Act like you're enjoying this," Snape sneered before forcefully thrusting into Sirius.

Sirius screamed. The pain seared through him. He was desperate to get away, to stop what was happening to him, to call for help… He cursed himself for even putting his wand down on the table to begin with, when this was the day he should never have let it out of his grasp. He stared at his hand, at the crescent tattoo, and willed his mind to be anywhere but here. Back in the dormitory with his friends, perhaps? Christmas morning their first year, Mrs. Potter had sent a mountain of gifts for all four of the boys because James had told her that he refused to go home when they revealed they weren't. Peter had decided to stay behind because he couldn't stand his older cousin, who constantly bullied him. Remus had stayed because it was the first time his parents were taking a much-needed holiday for the first time ever, and he wanted them to enjoy their time together. Sirius stayed behind for obvious reasons, though his mother had sent a howler to show him just how much she disapproved of the decision.

He wanted to go back to that day. To that moment. To the time he opened his very first Christmas present – a box of homemade cookies, charmed to stay fresh and warm.

Snape's grunt as he finished brought Sirius back to the present. Snape pulled out of him and fixed his pants before he dropped a bit of folded parchment next to Sirius, turned, and left without another word, slamming the door behind him.

Sirius, finally in control of himself again, reached for the paper and crumpled it up before he tossed it onto the coffee table. A whore with a pretty face. That's what Snape had called him. Sirius doubted his face was all that pretty right now.

He felt like he was watching himself as he picked himself up off the sofa after what felt like more than an hour later. He grabbed his wand as he moved, stumbling. He stepped out of his pants and left them on the floor before shuffling his way to the bathroom, every inch filled with agony. He flipped on the light as he entered the bathroom and almost collapsed when he finally saw his face. Breathing heavily, he turned away from the mirror, unable to process that sight. He decided to check how badly he was bleeding, so he grabbed a wad of toilet paper and nearly screamed as he checked himself. There was a fair amount of blood on the toilet paper as he looked at it, but experience told him that it wasn't actually as bad as it could have been.

Automatically, he turned on the shower and shrugged out of his robe, letting it drop to the floor. Gingerly, he stepped into the tub. He let the hot water fall on him, soothing him. He stood there for a few minutes before he finally reached for the soap and began to scrub his body. Then, once his skin was angry and red, he sat down in the water and started to cry. He told himself that he had tried. That this wasn't his fault. That it was the curse. Thinking back, he realized Snape must have cursed him the very first time they were together. In fact, it may have been why there was a first time to begin with.

When Sirius finally got out of the shower, he stood in front of the mirror again. This time, he actually looked at his face. The bruise was already dark and covered his left cheek and eye. His left eye was swollen shut, and his right was bloodshot. His lips were swollen on the left side. He reached for his toothbrush and started brushing his teeth, wincing every time his lip and cheek protested the action. He was already puffy, already in so much pain that he almost couldn't think past it. His head throbbed.

He was terrible at healing spells, so he didn't even bother to try. He opened his medicine cupboard and grabbed the only potion he saw in it. It may have been a healing potion, but Sirius was certain that it was actually only for pain. It also may or may not have expired, but he didn't care. He opened the bottle and drank some of the potion. He closed his eyes and sighed as the pain instantly vanished. He put the stopper back in it and put it back in the cupboard.

Sirius grabbed his wand from where it had landed after he'd dropped it when he took his robe off. He closed the cupboard to look in the mirror again, pointed his wand at himself, and cast a charm to hide the bruising. Sirius watched his face in the mirror as his reflection rippled for a moment before solidifying in his normal face. It looked like both of his eyes were open, even though he knew better.

His blue eyes, normally pale and bright, were hollow, dull, and dark. Haunted. His wet hair hung in loose waves around his face, but the curls would tighten as it dried. The tattoos across his body made it easy for him to hide his feelings in plain sight. The crescent moon and star at the base of his neck, in the divot between his collar bones, was the real reason for the line of other cosmic symbols that stretched across them. 

From that central crescent moon and star were pawprints that walked up his neck, eventually turning into footprints that curled along beneath his jaw. 

On the left side of his rib cage were the constellations Canis Major and Orion. On the other side was Leo. Sirius stared at the star his brother was named for and wondered…. Could Regulus help?

Sirius turned and left the bathroom behind. He hurried to get dressed, today wearing baggy black jeans with holes in them, his leather studded belt, and another band t-shirt. He pulled on his leather jacket because it was almost like a comforting blanket. Then, he turned to his dresser and opened a box that sat atop it. He pulled out the small square mirror and held it in his hands for a moment before he went back into the living room to retrieve the crumpled message Snape had left behind.

Sirius sat down on the overstuffed chair as he unfolded the parchment.

Dorothy Woodmarsh - Redcar - Two weeks Saturday

Sirius looked at the mirror in his hands. Regulus had the other half. They were close once, before House loyalties and parents got in the way of it. He knew that Regulus had joined the Death Eaters before he'd even finished school. Despite their falling out, Sirius had always had an unwavering sense of loyalty to his little brother, and he had sworn to always protect him. The mirror had been their way to talk to each other without anyone, even their parents, knowing about it. It had been at least a year since they'd communicated this way. Sirius had no way of knowing if Regulus even still had his half, or if he would even answer if he did. Still, Sirius had to try.

"Reggie?" Sirius asked, looking into the mirror. "Reggie, can you hear me?"

To his relief, his brother appeared in the mirror a moment later. "Sirius?" he asked in disbelief. He frowned. "What do you want?"

Sirius cleared his throat and decided not to bring up Snape's curse to him. Not yet. Maybe later, if Lily couldn't find the answer. "I wanted to ask you about something," he said. "It's about some Death Eater plans I found out about."

Regulus's eyes narrowed. "Okay," he slowly replied.

"I got a tip that there's a woman–" Sirius looked down at the piece of paper. "Dorothy Woodmarsh. She's in Redcar. Supposed to go down two weeks from Saturday?"

Regulus's gray eyes widened. "How the fuck do you know about her?" he demanded. 

Sirius shook his head. "Wouldn't be very good if I revealed sources, would it?" he asked. "I mean, I haven't turned you in, so why would I give this one up?"

Regulus sighed. "Right," he said. He cleared his throat. "That's fair, actually." He sighed again and rubbed his forehead. "Yeah, she's a target. Your information is accurate. I shouldn't even be confirming this right now, but…." He bit his lip for a moment. "Look, there's something I need to talk to you about," he said, his eyes bright with something Sirius didn't recognize. "You're the only one I can think of to go to. Your side needs this info, but I can't do it here. I can't do it like this. I need to see you in person."

Sirius momentarily forgot everything that had happened that day. Regulus switching sides? "Come over," he said. "It's safe here."

Regulus nodded. "You haven't moved, have you?" he asked. Sirius shook his head. "I'll be there in five minutes."

 

True to his word, Regulus knocked five minutes later. Sirius opened the door, having used those few minutes to clean things up. He opened the door and saw his brother, face-to-face, for the first time in years. Sirius couldn't help but notice how similar they looked as Regulus stepped into the apartment. His curly black hair had been pulled back into a small ponytail, telling Sirius that it wasn't nearly as long, but still had some length. They were both lean, both pale. The only real difference beyond a few subtle facial differences and tattoos was that Regulus was an inch or so shorter than Sirius, who was already short himself. Well, and their style. Regulus may have also been wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but it was perfectly tailored to him, and his t-shirt was plain and black, and long-sleeved.

"Hey, Reggie," Sirius said as he shut the door behind his brother.

"Hey," Regulus echoed as he looked around the flat. He scrunched his nose as he shook his head. "Anything to not be like the parents, huh?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged as he looked around. "It's not that different," he said. "Still dark."

Regulus nodded. "There is that," he agreed. Sirius gestured for him to sit down. Regulus moved to the sofa and sat down. "So, there's something I really need to talk to you about," he said.

"Is this a drink-worthy conversation?" Sirius asked.

"Got a beer?" Regulus asked.

"Comin' up."

Sirius pivoted to the kitchen and pulled two beer bottles out of the fridge. He returned to the living room and passed one to Regulus before he hesitated. He wanted to sit, but knew the pain was likely to follow, even with the potion. He inwardly sighed and decided to take his chances, sitting on his overstuffed chair, and tried not to wince. "So," he said. "What's going on?"

Regulus opened his beer and took a long drink before he set it down on the table. Sirius followed his lead, opening his own beer and taking a drink before setting it down. He pulled his cigarettes from his pocket and lit one. Regulus held out his hand. "Can I get one of those?" he asked.

"You smoke?" Sirius asked.

"Not at home," Regulus replied.

Sirius chuckled and pulled a second cigarette out for his brother, who took it and his lighter. Regulus tossed the lighter back at Sirius as he leaned back on the couch and blew the smoke up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes for a moment before he sat back up and met Sirius's gaze. "I recently came into some information about the Dark Lord," he explained. Sirius raised his eyebrows in interest. "He's making Horcruxes," Regulus continued. Sirius felt his heart skip a beat before pounding in his chest. The Horcrux wasn't a topic taught in Hogwarts, but it was something that he and Regulus knew far too much about because of the family's affinity for dark magic.

"I'm sorry, you said Horcruxes?" Sirius asked. "As in more than one?"

Regulus nodded. "As far as I can tell, he has three," he confirmed, staring at the beer bottle in front of him. He picked it up and took another drink before he hit his cigarette again. He tapped the ashes off into the clear glass ashtray on the coffee table. "You see, the Dark Lord? He's completely obsessed with becoming immortal," he explained. "I know where one is right now. Or, at least, Kreature knows. I'm working out how to get to it and destroy it. The problem is, if I go after it, I'm not going to be able to come back. I'll die. I know I'll die because of what Kreature told me about the cave it's in. But I'm going to take him with me, make sure he gets the locket out if I can't destroy it. If I can't, he'll have to."

"I'll go with you," Sirius volunteered without a second thought. His little brother in danger? Not on his watch. "Between the two of us, we can get the locket and get out before he ever knows it's missing. Or, better yet, let's tell Dumbledore. If anyone knows how to destroy something like that, he does."

Regulus looked at him with uncertainty in his eyes. "He won't turn me in?" he asked. "Or even just kill me on the spot?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, not if I'm with you and vouching for you," Sirius promised. "I've got to tell him about the Redcar thing anyway, so just come with me."

With a heavy sigh, Regulus rubbed his forehead again. He took another drag from his cigarette before he spun the bottle on the table. "Can he protect me?" he asked. "I mean, as soon as all this goes down, the Dark Lord's going to know that I betrayed him, and he's going to come after me. I mean, even before then, he'd be able to figure it out because he's an expert Legilimens."

"We have safehouses," Sirius promised. "If it comes down to it, you can even stay with me. We'll protect you, Reggie."

Regulus nodded. "Okay," he whispered. "Let's go see Dumbledore."

Notes:

So... this is a HEAVY one, and we get to see how evil Snape really is here. Please tell me you read the trigger warnings? Poor Sirius really needs a hug. I need one too. This was so hard for me to write, and I actually wrote this chapter three times. 😭

But Reggie! Baby Black coming in with the Horcrux secret! And, in this fic, Voldie's only made three of them (just like Reggie says) at this point, so that'll be a fun hunt.

Also, don't worry, Remus is coming.

Chapter 4

Summary:

As Remus sat down, he reached for the chocolate bar he'd previously set on the table and held it out to Sirius. "Eat it," he said. "You'll feel better."

Notes:

CONTENT WARNING: This chapter contains detailed discussion of Rape/Sexual Abuse, long-term non-consensual sexual content (NCSC), past child abuse, discussions regarding the death of a parent, and a severe emotional breakdown/panic attack.

Sirius and Regulus stood inside of Dumbledore's office. Sirius watched as Regulus looked around as if he'd never been there before, which didn't actually surprise Sirius because Regulus had done everything in his power to stay under the radar. Sirius, on the other hand, had caused quite enough mischief for the two of them and had spent many hours in the Headmaster's office, being chastised for whatever impromptu fun he'd had that day. Until that last time, in fifth year. After that, their pranks had mellowed significantly, and Sirius hadn't been called back up.

Sirius quickly explained to Dumbledore that he had brought Regulus with him, letting him know that the same source from before – whom he had been unable to distance himself from – had given him another tip, and Sirius had reached out to Regulus to confirm the information, which was on the paper that he passed on to Dumbledore.

At that point, Dumbledore turned to Regulus, gazing at him suspiciously over his half-moon glasses, and asked him to speak. Regulus nodded and nervously provided the Headmaster with all of the information he had on the Horcruxes that Voldemort was creating, hiding, and protecting. He explained Voldemort's obsession with immortality. Lastly, he told Dumbledore that if Voldemort ever saw him again, he'd immediately be killed because he would know that Regulus had turned traitor.

Dumbledore was silent for a while after Regulus finished speaking. The silence stretched on for so long that Regulus looked nervously at Sirius, and one of the portraits of old Headmasters cleared his throat. Sirius turned to look over his shoulder and chuckled at the sight of his great-grandfather, which made Regulus turn to look as well. "Oh," he said softly as he turned back around.

Dumbledore pressed his fingertips together and held them up to his chin. He nodded to himself before he looked at the brothers. He informed them that Regulus would, in fact, be protected and that he would stay with James Potter because he understood that Sirius would trust no one else with his brother's care and would be easily accessible to Sirius this way. Sirius had a moment of panic, having had hope that Regulus could stay with him; however, James had three bedrooms in his house and only used one of them. Sirius couldn't argue the logic, even though it meant he would still live in fear of the next time Snape deigned to darken his doorway.

With that decided, Dumbledore and Sirius escorted Regulus to James's house in Godric's Hollow, where they explained the situation. The Headmaster insisted that James allow Regulus to stay with him. James seemed reluctant at first. He continued to look at Sirius, as if he was waiting for the punchline. When Dumbledore finished explaining the situation, James asked to speak to Sirius alone.

They stepped into James's father's library. The library had two walls of bookcases that were packed with books. The third wall had the house's second fireplace, and the fourth had windows. The carpet was still plush, even after decades. The red was a throwback to Gryffindor, the House every Potter had been in for generations. There were two wingback, dark brown leather chairs with a small, richly colored, wood circular table and a lamp with a green shade in the middle of the room.

James shut the door of James's father's library behind them. "What the fuck is this, Sirius?" he asked.

Sirius sighed. He scratched at the right side of his forehead, just above the stars tattooed on his face. "I reached out to Reggie to confirm some new information I'd gotten," he explained. "Reggie confirmed that the info was good, but then said he really needed to tell our side something important and he wanted to discuss it in person. I invited him over, and he told me about the Horcruxes. Honestly, if we don't protect him, he's dead."

"Did he say why he defected?" James asked.

Sirius shook his head. "I think it might have something to do with Kreature," he replied. "But even before telling me about this, he was willing to give his life to destroy part of You Know Who's soul. Or, at the very least, steal it. And, honestly, Prongs, we knew that he was in far deeper than he ever thought he'd be years ago. I doubt he ever actually wanted to be one of them. I think he just fell for the temptation. Bella had a lot of influence on him."

James nodded. "I remember," he sighed. He ran his hands through his messy black hair and pushed his glasses back up his nose by the bridge. He crossed his arms over his chest, his blue t-shirt wrinkling around his shoulders as he did. James was only an inch shorter than Sirius, making him the same height as Regulus. He also wore jeans, but his were a faded blue denim, as opposed to Sirius's faded black and Regulus's crisp black. He had a leather strap on his wrist as well. "Do you think he's genuine?" he asked. "I don't want him here if he's just going to turn on me, too."

"I get that," Sirius said. "I offered my place, but Dumbledore said it's too small and having him in the heart of London is a bad idea. Godric's Hollow is Order territory. He's far safer here than he would be with me, and you're the only other person I trust to take care of him."

James sighed as he ran his hand through his hair again. "Yeah, I know," he said. He looked thoughtful for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip. "Alright, he can stay here," he said. "But if, for one second, he gives me the impression that he's going to put one of his knives in my back, I'm kicking him out."

Sirius nodded. "I get it," he said.

With that, James and Sirius stepped back into the sitting room, where Regulus looked so uncomfortable that he was about to jump out of his skin. The sitting room had two floral sofas facing each other. Sheer white curtains hung over the windows on the far side of the room. The first of the two fireplaces in the house was in here, though there was currently no fire burning. There was a coffee table in the center of the room that had a doily on it that Sirius recalled Mrs. Potter tatting. The plush carpet in here was a soft yellow, as were the drapes on the far wall. Family photographs covered the walls, and next to one of the corners of the far sofa was Mrs. Potter's old knitting bag. James hadn't changed anything.

Regulus jumped up as Sirius and James walked in, whereas Dumbledore smiled at James and Sirius, looking as peaceful as he could be. James looked at Regulus.

"You can stay here, but if I think that you're not being genuine, you're out," he said.

Regulus nodded, understanding the implications of the boundary James set. "Trust me," he said, "I'm not going to betray you. I just can't do what they want me to anymore. What he did to Kreature, the things they've made me do, the punishment for failure… I can't do it anymore," he said. "I always knew what Cruciatus could do because I watched Mother do it to Sirius more than enough times, but I'd never felt it myself…." Regulus met Sirius's eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't do more to help you," he said, his voice soft as his eyes turned down to the floor.

Sirius reached for his brother and pulled him into a tight hug. "You couldn't have helped me," he whispered. "Nothing that I went through in that house was your fault. She's a cunt and that's the way she is."

Regulus pulled away and cleared his throat. "Was," he said. Sirius cocked his head to the side, confused. "She… died."

Sirius's good eye widened, and his eyebrow rose. "She what?" he asked.

Regulus nodded. "Last month," he explained. "I wanted to reach out to you and tell you, but I know how much you always hated her, so I wasn't sure if you wanted to know. I didn't know how to tell you about it."

"H-how?" Sirius asked.

"Either a dark spirit or a heart attack," Regulus replied. "My money's on the heart attack. One day, she was totally fine. Next, she was dead. Her head nearly exploded when I was gone for three days without a word, so that was likely a contributing factor."

"Wow," Sirius whispered. He couldn't think. "Um… okay. I… uh… yeah." He forced himself to smile for his brother. "Always knew the old bat was going to take herself out," he said. "Always thought it'd be me, though, not you."

Regulus chuckled. "Right?" he asked.

"Sirius?" James asked. Sirius looked at him and saw the concern in his face. "Are you okay?"

Sirius nodded his head too quickly and suddenly felt the throbbing headache return with a wave of nausea. "Great," he said, sounding too cheerful. He forced another smile. "She's dead!" he said, forcibly happy. He looked at everyone gathered before his eyes settled on Dumbledore. "Let me know when you need me," he said. "I'm… I need… I need to go," he said before he turned on his heel and rushed out of the house without waiting for another word.

 

Sirius walked for a long time, so lost in his thoughts that he didn't pay attention to where his feet were taking him. He hated the woman, so why was it such a shock to him that she was dead? The torture she'd put him through was more than enough reason to be grateful that she was gone, so why did he want to cry? Why was there an ache in his chest that wouldn't go away? Why was his throat tightening like that?

Sirius didn't realize where his feet had brought him until he looked up at the small cabin. He let out a breathy chuckle. All roads lead to Remus, he thought again.

The cabin was made of wood. The shingles needed repairing. Sirius wondered if James knew. The two of them had purchased it for Remus to have a place to live that was both close to civilization (and specifically James, because Sirius lived in London), and far enough away that he could deal with his werewolf transformations without terrifying the village. It had a large front porch, complete with a swing. Sirius and Remus had spent more than a few quiet mornings on that swing after full moons. In the fading light, Sirius couldn't see the details of the house, but he knew Remus had taken care of the surrounding land, making sure that it didn't grow too wild around him, and that he was home because the lights were on inside. 

Acutely aware of the pain he was in now that he was back in the present – he should have brought that pain potion with him for another dose; each step to the front door felt like parts of him were shattering. Sirius limped and ached with each step up the stairs of the porch. He limped to the door and raised his hand to knock. He hesitated, thought about just turning around and not burdening Remus with more of his bullshit….

But then the door opened. Remus stood on the other side of the threshold, bathed in the golden glow of his home. Sirius felt incredibly guilty and relieved all at the same time. The weight of the day crashed over him, and he couldn't stop the tears. At first, they just spilled from his eyes, but then his shoulders shook and heart-wrenching sobs escaped him.

He started to collapse, and Remus caught him before he hit the floor. Remus lowered them to the floor gently because it was easier than trying to keep them on their feet. They knelt across the threshold, Sirius sobbing into Remus's shoulder, and Remus just holding on to weather the storm.

After a few minutes, Sirius's tears slowed, and he started to pull away. Remus stood to help Sirius to his feet. "Come in," he said gently. "Come in." He guided Sirius into the cabin before he closed the door behind them. Remus then helped Sirius hobble to the couch, where he sat down and continued to cry without understanding why.

Before Remus sat down with Sirius on the couch, he grabbed a box of tissues and a chocolate bar. He set them aside, within Sirius's reach, before he gathered Sirius in his arms and held him close. Sirius curled up, half in Remus's lap. He hugged himself tightly as the sobs continued to wrack him. Remus softly rocked him, soothing him. "It's okay," he whispered. "I've got you."

It was a long time before the tears finally quieted. When they did, Sirius reached for the tissues to blow his nose, gasping from the pain of touching his face. 

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, his voice thick and rough. "I didn't mean to lose it on you. I don't even know how I ended up here, other than I just started walking. I was at James's. Reggie's going to be staying with him for a while under protection. He… He told me my mother died," he whispered, staring at his hands and the tissues balled up in them. His head rested on Remus's shoulder, and his legs stretched over Remus's lap. He cleared his throat. "I… I didn't think it would hit me like this," he whispered.

Remus hesitated for a moment. "I'm sorry to say this, but I'm going to need you to back up a bit and start from the beginning," he confessed.

Sirius tilted his head to look at Remus, who was staring at him intently. His golden-brown eyes seemed to shimmer in the golden light from the lamps. This close, Sirius could see that it had been a few days since Remus last shaved, and the stubble on his cheeks and chin was longer than he usually let it get. His dark eyebrows were drawn together, concerned. His light brown hair hung like a shaggy halo around his head. He needed a haircut.

Sirius shook himself and started to untangle himself from Remus, stifling a grunt from the pain, because it was the only thing he could do to keep himself from touching the werewolf.

Sirius cleared his throat, trying to look anywhere but at his best friend. Remus kept drawing his attention, though. He could see his muscled arms, biceps thick and strong. Remus's torn and faded shirt had a band logo on it. One that Sirius recognized as Muggle. One he liked. His blue jeans were faded and torn at the knees.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment. "I… came into some information from another Death Eater about an attack," he started to explain. "This one is planned for a couple of weeks from now." He couldn't tell Remus how he got the information, but telling him that he had it was not the same. At least… for now. "I wanted to confirm it because the source isn't trustworthy, and the target is someone I've never heard of before in a town I haven't heard of either," he continued. He reached into his jacket and pulled out his cigarettes. He offered one to Remus, who accepted and lit it as Sirius pulled out his own. He put the pack back in his pocket and fished out his lighter. Once the cigarette was lit, he inhaled the smoke. He pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. "So I reached out to Reggie," he said, his voice rough. "He told me that the intel was good. Then he asked me if we could meet in person because he needed to tell me something that could get him killed. He came over, told me You Know Who was making Horcruxes, and we decided that information was crucial and needed to get to Dumbledore immediately. Dumbledore offered him protection and has him staying with James. Walburga came up in conversation, and Reggie told me that she's dead now. Last month. He didn't tell me because he didn't know if I'd want to know. And I just…." He looked back into Remus's eyes. "My mother's dead, Moony," he whispered. "And I didn't even know it." He finished speaking and took another hit from his cigarette before he reached over for the ashtray and tapped his ashes into it.

Remus also took a drag from his cigarette before knocking the ashes into the tray. The sadness in his eyes was pronounced as he reached up to brush a tear away from Sirius's left cheek. Sirius winced as Remus's fingers brushed his swollen face. The werewolf's eyes narrowed. "Take off the charm," he said.

Sirius swallowed. "I'd rather not," he whispered.

"Sirius."

Sirius hung his head for a moment. When he looked up, fresh tears fell from his eyes. "I'm mixed up in something bad, Moony," he whispered. "And I'm powerless to stop it."

Remus took another drag from his cigarette. "The curse Lily asked me for help with," he said. "That's on you, isn't it?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. He took a drag from his cigarette before he looked up at the yellowing ceiling. He blinked, more tears falling, and blew the smoke up at the ceiling. "Yeah," he finally confirmed in a whisper.

"What's going on?" Remus asked, reaching for Sirius's free hand and holding it tightly.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Ever have someone suckerpunch you while you're sucking them off?" he whispered, his eyes on the ashtray as he rubbed his cigarette on the edge. He let out a bitter chuckle. "Of course not, right?" he asked. He didn't even know if Remus could relate to giving another man head, let alone the abuse. "That's not typically how that goes."

Remus's eyebrows furrowed. "No," he said slowly. "It's not. And, typically, if I'm going down on a guy, he's enjoying it, not hitting me," Remus said.

Sirius's heart raced. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Today's been a really bad day," he whispered, choosing not to give in to the butterflies in his stomach now that he finally knew that Remus liked men, too. He took a deep breath to steady himself before he looked back into Remus's intense golden eyes. "I was raped today," he whispered. Remus's face fell, and he paled. "Technically," Sirius continued, "because of that curse, I've been getting raped regularly for the last three or so months. But today, I tried like hell to fight it, and I couldn't do anything."

"What?" Remus asked, his voice breaking. Sirius saw the tears well up in his eyes.

"He… uh… He–" Sirius's voice cracked. He covered his face in his hands, careful not to put too much pressure on his bruises. He reached over to the ashtray and snuffed out his cigarette just before a sob forced its way out of him. "Fuck, Remus, I don't know what to do!" he sobbed.

Remus, unable to think through the shock, put out his cigarette and gathered Sirius in his arms again, pulling him close. Sirius curled up against him, feeling like a child. Remus pressed his forehead to the uninjured side of Sirius's head, burying his face in the black curls. He closed his eyes as he listened to the heartbreaking sobs Sirius let out. "Breathe," he whispered. His nose next to Sirius's ear made it easy for him to hear Remus's shaky but slow breaths. "I need you to breathe for me."

Sirius tried, through the hiccups and the sobs. Remus held onto him tightly, an arm around his legs and the other around his back. He rocked Sirius and kept breathing in his ear until Sirius finally slowly calmed down again.

After a few minutes, Remus pulled away. "Stay here," he said, his voice rough. He untangled himself from Sirius and stood. He walked into the kitchen, which, much like Sirius's flat, was part of the same room as the living room. Sirius settled himself on the couch and grabbed his half-burnt cigarette from the ashtray. He re-lit it and reached for the tissues again. He wiped his face clean as Remus busied himself with pouring a cup of tea from the pot he'd already made. He brought the tea back and held it out to Sirius, who accepted it and took a sip of the soothing, hot liquid, noticing how it instantly made his throat feel better. He could taste the honey, lemon, and the blend of plants used to make it.

Sirius set the tea on the table. As Remus sat down, he reached for the chocolate bar he'd previously set on the table and held it out to Sirius. "Eat it," he said. "You'll feel better."

Sirius took a drag from his cigarette as he took the chocolate from Remus. He snuffed it out again, this time fully burned. He opened the bar to take a bite, hoping he wouldn't just get sick again. They all knew the benefits of chocolate, having been friends with Remus for more than a decade now. He always had it on hand and never had any qualms about sharing it. Sirius took a small bite, just to test that he'd hold it and the tea down, and felt the warmth start to spread through him. He closed his eyes, focusing on that feeling, and took a deep, steadying breath.

Remus reached up to brush the hair out of Sirius's face, careful to avoid the injured side of his face because he still hadn't seen how bad it was. Sirius looked up at him, meeting his eyes. The intensity behind Remus's gaze almost made Sirius feel like he was under an examination.

Sirius cleared his throat and looked away. "Thank you," he said. "For not judging me, for comforting me… for just being here. I'm sorry to drop my bullshit at your door again."

Remus gave him a small smile. "You're welcome to drop your bullshit at my door anytime, Sirius, you should know that by now," he said softly. "And you don't need to thank me. I'm always going to be here for you, through the happy and the hard. Nothing will change that."

"I haven't told anyone else," Sirius said. "Didn't tell James. Can't tell James."

"You could," Remus countered. "You'd just have to explain a lot more."

Sirius chuckled. "Like you're not waiting for that?" he asked. "I can see the questions in your eyes."

"Of course I have questions," Remus agreed. "But this isn't about me right now. You can tell me what you want me to know. I'm not going to push you."

Sirius gave Remus a watery smile. "Thanks," he said. "Honestly, I'm not sure how much I should say or not. Lily already knows everything…." Sirius sighed. "Maybe… maybe if I tell you… Maybe that will stop it from happening again. I know he's not done with me. He's made that quite clear."

Remus studied Sirius's face for a moment. "Who's doing this to you?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head as more tears began to fall. He bowed his head. "That's the part I'm most ashamed about," he confessed, his voice tight.

Remus turned on the couch to face Sirius, tucking one leg under him. His arm draped over the back of the couch, and his hand stroked Sirius's hair. After a moment, he spoke again. "Sirius, I'm going to tell you something that no one really knows about me," he said. Sirius looked up at him through watery eyes, lifting his head again. "I'm a whore," he said. Sirius let out a surprised laugh. Remus nodded. "I've been in some bad situations myself, and there have been more than my fair share of strange men that I've taken to bed. Some of them were the ones you looked at in the morning, when your arm is pinched under them and tingling, and you'd rather it just fall off than risk waking them up by moving. I'm not going to judge you for who has graced your bed, especially when you've been cursed and are unable to refuse."

Sirius sighed. He reached for his tea and took another soothing sip before he set it back down. He closed his eyes for a moment before he looked back into Remus's intense gaze. "It's Snape," he whispered.

Notes:

Four chapters in and we FINALLY have Remus! And he's thrown right in to taking care of Sirius, who really just needs a freaking hug. Me too, babes. Me too. And I love how this whole time Sirius has been telling himself that he can't tell anyone about what's going on, but the second he's sitting in front of Remus, he just spits everything out. That's me too. I will always be like, nope not telling bestie about this, and then wordvomit it out the first chance I get because I can't keep shit like that from them.

Anyway, you all know that authors survive on comments and kudos, right? Don't make me starve. 😏

Chapter 5

Summary:

Remus's eyes drifted to the tattoo at the base of Sirius's neck. The crescent moon and star that Sirius had put on his body to declare his feelings covertly. He reached up and traced it with his finger. Sirius felt his heart start to race and his breath caught in his throat.
Remus looked back up into Sirius's stormy gray eyes. "You think I don't know what this means?" he asked, his voice soft.

Notes:

CONTENT WARNING: This chapter contains detailed discussions of: Sexual Violence/Trauma, Recounting of Physical Abuse (Sirius is going to tell Remus basically everything), Graphic Injury Description (Sirius is still injured), Pain... all the pain, Explicit Suicidal Ideation (Sirius explicitly discusses that he thought about taking his own life), Emotional Distress (do I need to explain?), Depression/Anxiety/Anger (we're getting all the emotions in this chapter), Threats of Vengeance/Discussions of Murder (Remus is ANGRY, okay?), and Discussions of Malnourishment/Eating issues/Unwanted weight loss (due to Sirius not being able to eat because of everything that's been happening to him).

I *think*(?) that's everything? Let me know if I missed anything.

Remus stared at Sirius, his eyes wide, mouth slightly agape, his breathing shallow. The words Sirius had just whispered hung in the air like an ominous cloud. He was certain that one more revelation like the bombs Sirius had dropped on him already this evening would send him into an early grave. First, Sirius had shown up at his door and started sobbing the moment Remus opened it. Then, he'd delivered the news of his mother's passing. Then, he confessed that he'd been cursed and repeatedly assaulted… by Severus Snape.

"Snivellus?" Remus demanded. "How the fuck–" Remus cut himself off because this was not Sirius's fault. He had been cursed. He had been raped. And Remus had literally just finished telling him that he wouldn't judge him, and that question would have come out as rather judgmental. He cleared his throat and shook his head.

"I don't know," Sirius confessed. He cleared his throat. "One day, we were at the Hog's Head," he said, his head bowed, his eyes on his hands, on that crescent moon that was always a representation of Remus. He absently rubbed the tattoo. "We started arguing – I was telling him he needed to find somewhere else to drink. Aberforth said to keep the fighting outside because he was tired of cleaning up after Order members and Death Eaters." Sirius shook his head. "I tried to walk away, go to one of the tables, and he followed me. I stood back up, told him to leave me alone, and he grabbed me. I thought he was going to punch me, but he didn't. Instead, he shoved me into the wall, and then he kissed me." Sirius closed his eyes, remembering in vivid detail the feeling of that moment. The shock, the confusion, the disgust…. "Was I cursed then?" he wondered. "I wanted to push him off me, but I didn't. I don't know when he cursed me. I don't even know how much of it was me, Moony, and I don't really think any of it was because I always felt so sickened by it," he whispered, finally looking up at Remus, his gray eyes begging for understanding. "I used to think that a dick was just a dick and it didn't matter who it was attached to, you know?" he asked. "But Snape?" Sirius shook his head. "I'd have never touched him willingly. And I don't think I ever did. I think he managed to curse me that night, before he kissed me, and that none of it was me."

Remus swallowed the lump in his throat as his hands clenched and unclenched in his lap. He stood and started to pace the room, running his hand through his chestnut hair. "And today?" he asked.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Last week, I told him I was done," he said, his voice rough. "I said I didn't want to do this anymore, that I wasn't getting anything out of it, and that I was exhausted by all of the fighting with him. I told him that we both hated each other and what we were doing – because that's always been true for me. I told him not to come back. So he called me a whore with a pretty face and told me that he'd pay me for my services with secrets from their side." He took a shaky breath and looked up at Remus again, who was still pacing. "He's the one who told me about yesterday's attack. And I was dreading today because he said he'd come back today. Dumbledore told me to put some distance between us – I never told him who the source was – because it was just a bad idea overall. And because I always keep opening the fucking door, I reached out to Lily for help to figure out how to do that. She has had her own shit with him in the past, so I'm not going to say too much about that, but it's the reason I reached out to her instead of anyone else. She wanted to tell you everything immediately." Sirius shook his head. "I made her promise not to… She said that the best way to keep me safe was by not being home, but I…" Sirius sighed. "I can't explain it, but I knew I couldn't leave," he explained. Remus shook his head as he stopped pacing to stare at Sirius. "She had to leave to get some stuff so that she could do the spell to see if I was cursed," Sirius continued. "It revealed that I had one of Snape's handcrafted spells on me. She said she was going to reach out to you for help in dismantling it, but that she couldn't guarantee it'd be done in time. I've never been that lucky. I knew it wouldn't be done in time."

Sirius reached for his tea and took a drink. He sighed before he continued. "I was a mess all morning," he said. "Throwing up even just a sip of water, sitting in my chair, just staring at the clock, unable to do anything to take my mind off things. Then he knocked, and I tried not to get up, but my body literally moved on its own. I opened the door, and he pushed his way in. He forced me to my knees–" Sirius gasped for breath, his face contorting as tears threatened him again. He shook his head. "Told me to open my mouth. He hit me when I didn't… And then…" he let out a sob. "I was less than enthusiastic, so he hit me again," he whispered. He cleared his throat. "He pushed me to the couch. I tripped over the table, so he picked me up and tossed me on the couch again. He slammed my head into the arm… and he just…" Sirius's voice was high, tight, and cracked. "Just, bam!" he smacked his fist into his palm. "Dropped some new information and left without a word…."

Remus resumed his pacing. Sirius saw that his fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were white. He shook his head before he turned and pointed at Sirius. "You're not fucking going back there," he said. "You're staying here." He pointed to the floor of the cabin. "Here–" he said, his voice cracking.

Sirius looked at the cabin. It wasn't much bigger than his own flat. The kitchen and living room were roughly the same size as Sirius's. Upstairs was a bedroom and a bathroom. The bedroom was larger, but not much. "Remus, your cottage is too–"

"No, don't," Remus said, cutting him off. "Your flat is the same fucking size, and we did just fine when you first got the place." He walked over to Sirius and knelt down in front of him, taking his hand. Sirius stared at the face, seeing the fear, the panic, the rage. "You can't open the door if he doesn't know where to knock," he whispered.

Sirius's heart raced. The logic was good. He felt his entire body start to shake. "What if he can find me wherever I go?" he whispered. "What if this curse has a tracker?"

Anger flared in Remus's eyes, turning them more yellow for a moment before he swallowed and they faded back to their normal golden-brown. He took in a deep, steadying breath and slowly let it out, leaving Sirius to wonder why he was so angry. "I'll protect you," he said in a voice that was deeper than usual. 

Remus's eyes drifted to the tattoo at the base of Sirius's neck. The crescent moon and star that Sirius had put on his body to declare his feelings covertly. He reached up and traced it with his finger. Sirius felt his heart start to race and his breath caught in his throat.

Remus looked back up into Sirius's stormy gray eyes. "You think I don't know what this means?" he asked, his voice soft. Sirius swallowed. Remus's finger tracing the tattoo was doing things to Sirius's stomach that made him almost feel like he was floating. "You think I don't notice how you treat me differently from Prongs?" Remus dropped his hand and moved to sit on the couch, facing Sirius, their knees pressed together. He reached up and pulled on the collar of his own t-shirt, exposing his own star and moon in the same spot.

Sirius's mouth dropped open. His eyes darted from the tattoo to Remus's eyes. He knew, in that moment, finally, where they stood. He finally understood that everything he had been feeling for almost eight years was mutual. "Remus," he whispered before he reached up and pulled Remus to him, their lips meeting in a kiss they both had waited years for. Sirius lost himself in the scent of musk and chocolate. He could taste the cigarettes Remus had smoked earlier and the tea they were drinking.

Sirius had to pull away because the pain became too much. He let out a cry and held his hand over his mouth. Remus kissed the uninjured side of Sirius's face. "Are you okay?" he whispered.

Sirius shook his head. "No," he cried. "I don't want to stop, but it hurts too much," he confessed. "Everything hurts," Sirius explained. "My entire body."

Remus looked sad as he reached up and brushed the hair from Sirius's face. "How bad is it?" he asked.

Sirius let out a bitter chuckle. "Let's just say, right now, I'm not a whore with a pretty face," he whispered. He pulled away to pull up the leg of his pants to show Remus the bruising on his leg from when he fell over the table. It was dark and large. Remus held Sirius's leg in his hand and lightly kissed the bruise.

He looked back up at Sirius. "Take the charm off, please," he whispered.

Sirius closed his eyes. "I don't want you to see me like this," he whispered.

"Look at me," Remus gently said. Sirius opened his eyes again. Remus reached up and cupped the uninjured side of his face with his palm. "First of all, you will always be beautiful to me," he said, his voice soft and gentle. "Second, I'm rather decent with healing spells. I might be able to help, but I can't if I can't see how bad it is."

Sirius's hands twisted in his lap before he reached into his jacket for his wand. Shaky, because the thought of Remus seeing how bad it was made him sick to his stomach, he took off the charm that hid the damage.

Remus gasped, and Sirius saw the horror on his face. His chin trembled and his breath was shaky as he reached up to turn Sirius's face so that he could see more of the damage. Sirius's left eye was still swollen shut. He'd gone through most of the day without being able to see out of it. He tilted Sirius's chin up and saw the bruising on his neck before he looked away and clenched his eyes shut. "Fuck," he gasped. He looked back at Sirius with tears on his face. "Pads–" he whispered, his voice breaking.

Sirius felt more tears fall. "Fuck you, I'm still gorgeous," he said through his tears.

Remus let out a chuckle as he nodded. "You are," he agreed. He leaned in to kiss Sirius's forehead before he pulled away and grabbed his wand. He cast a healing spell, and Sirius instantly felt relief from the pain. The swelling in his face went down, and he blinked rapidly as his left eye became usable again.

He felt his entire body heal itself. Bruises faded, the tears in his skin, all over his body, knit back together. The swelling diminished. Sirius closed his eyes in relief. He opened his eyes again as Remus put his wand down.

Remus reached for Sirius again, cupping his face in his hands. "There you are," he said.

Sirius smiled. "Thank you," he said.

"Come here," Remus said. Sirius leaned in and they kissed again. This time, without the pain of Sirius's injuries to come between them, Sirius leaned into the kiss, opening his mouth so that their tongues could dance. They explored each other in a way that sent electric jolts to Sirius's stomach. His fingers threaded through Remus's hair, which was just as silky as Sirius had wondered. Remus's arms, strong and secure, wrapped around his body, pulling him closer until Sirius moved to sit on his lap, straddling him. Their kiss deepened, and Sirius could no longer tell which sounds came from who.

This time, it was the need for air that made them slow down and separate. Sirius pressed his forehead against Remus's, panting, eyes closed, ready to cry again for an entirely different reason. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Fuck, Moony, when did you get so good at that?" he whispered.

Remus's arms tightened around him. "Years of practice with the wrong people," he confessed.

Sirius opened his eyes with a chuckle. Remus's eyes were more golden once again. It was something that Sirius noticed happened whenever he was feeling strong emotions. "So that," he said. He swallowed. "We're going to keep doing that, right?"

Remus's eyebrows rose as Sirius sat back on his lap. "I fucking hope so," he said. "You've been holding out on me."

Sirius made a face. "I've had that tattoo for four years now," he said. "My feelings have literally been on display. You're the one who didn't say anything."

"Well," Remus sighed. He reached for his cigarettes and pulled one out to offer to Sirius, who accepted it. Remus pulled out a second one and put it to his own lips. He lit both of their cigarettes before setting the smokes and lighter aside. He took a long drag before he spoke again. "I could never find the right time to tell you I was interested," he explained. "I'm sure that tonight wasn't the right time either, but…" Remus took another drag and let the smoke out with a sigh. He reached up with his free hand and brushed his fingers against Sirius's cheek. Sirius closed his eyes for a moment before he opened them again. "I needed you to understand what you mean to me and why I can't live with myself if I let you go back to your flat," he said.

Sirius smiled. "If this were yesterday, I'd drag you upstairs and have my way with you," Sirius said, leaning in to kiss Remus again. He sighed as he pulled back. "But after today…" he shook his head.

"Not tonight," Remus agreed, shaking his head. "You've been through too much today. We've waited years for this. We can wait until you're ready."

Sirius nodded. He reached up and cupped Remus's cheek with his free hand. "Thank you," he whispered.

Remus nodded. He took another drag from his cigarette before he reached for the ashtray to bring it closer to them. He tapped his ashes off into the tray. "I am going to kill him, though," he said.

Fear froze Sirius for a moment before his heart started hammering in his chest. "No," he said urgently. "No, Remus, you're fucking not." Remus glared at him. "I'm serious!" Sirius continued. "Moony, you know you'd be put to death for killing a wizard, no matter who he is or why," he said. Remus's face softened as he sighed. "I just got you," Sirius continued. "Literally. Please don't make me lose you."

Remus was quiet for a moment before he closed his eyes and sighed again. He pulled Sirius in close, holding him to his chest. "I'll almost kill him then," he said. "Leave him alive just enough to not condemn myself."

Sirius nodded. "I think we can work with that compromise," he agreed. "Maybe we can force him to undo this fucking curse."

"I think Lily and I can break it," Remus said as Sirius pulled away to knock the ashes off his cigarette and take another drag from it. "Typically, Imperius needs the resistance of a strong mind to break it, but I know you have one, and you weren't able to. There're more layers here that we need to peel back. And because it's a variation, it works differently. Likely needs something else to break it."

Remus reached up and held Sirius's chin between his thumb and forefinger. "We will break this curse, Pads," he promised, his eyes filled with determination and resolve, locked on Sirius's.

Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus again, this one soft, without the urgency they felt before.

"Have you thought about reporting him?" Remus asked as Sirius pulled away.

Sirius sighed. He took a drag from his cigarette and let the smoke out before he responded. "I don't have any proof," he said. "Anyone looking at the situation without the facts would never believe what he's done." He shrugged his shoulders. "I can't just tell them he cursed me because there's no proof that it was him without doing Lily's spell, which isn't typical practice. And that doesn't even take into account how ashamed of this whole situation I am." He took another drag. "Like… I feel so disgusted with myself for even being in this situation that I just…." He shook his head. "I don't know what to do," he finally confessed.

Remus nodded. "I'm sure anyone would have a hard time with what you're going through," he agreed. He sighed and leaned back against the couch, taking a final drag from his cigarette before he put it out. Sirius echoed his motions. He looked back at Sirius and studied his face. "Why didn't you go to St. Mungo's or something?" he asked. "With your injuries…."

Sirius let out a chuckle. "Well, after he left, I hobbled my ass into the shower, got dressed, talked to my brother, took him to Dumbledore, took him to Prongs's, and then came here," he explained. "There wasn't really a moment where I could say, 'Hang on, I need a healer'."

"Right," Remus sighed. 

"I took a pain potion after I got out of the shower," Sirius said. "I ran out of the healing balm I had yesterday because an owl pecked my finger, but even that wouldn't have been enough to heal what happened today. Healing spells are like the one thing I suck at, so I didn't even try."

Remus nodded. "I know," he said. "We need to fix that."

Sirius chuckled. "You think I haven't been trying?" he asked. He shifted his position so he was no longer on Remus's lap, causing him to shift as well. When they were settled again, with Sirius's legs over Remus's and the werewolf's arms around him, Sirius traced one of the scars on Remus's arm. "I've always hated that I can't heal you," he said, resting his head on Remus's shoulder. Remus's arms tightened around him for a moment. Sirius's hand drifted up to the collar of his shirt, and he pulled it back to see their shared tattoo again. His finger traced the moon. "I've waited a long time for you," he whispered.

Remus nodded. "I know," he said, his voice rough. "I've always known. I've just always been too afraid of ruining what we have to let you know that I felt the same."

"When did you know?" Sirius asked, picking up his head to look at Remus again. "That I had feelings for you."

Remus smiled. "When you said, 'Check this out!' and turned into a dog," he said.

Sirius chuckled. "So almost from the beginning," he said.

Remus let out a chuckle of his own. "I think I suspected it before then, but that was when I knew for sure. You always treated me differently from Prongs and Wormtail."

"We all treated Wormtail differently," Sirius cut in.

Remus nodded. "I never really understood why he hung around us," he confessed. "Not really surprised he hasn't been around these last few years. Have you heard from him?"

Sirius shook his head. "Sent him a card last Christmas. Then a letter on his birthday. He never replied to either."

Remus sighed. "Well, it's probably safe to say that he's done with us," he said. "But, back to the point, I knew when you transformed because, typically, your Animagus form and your Patronus are tied together, and when you became a dog, I realized that the reason you treated me so differently from them was because you had feelings for me. Like, yes, the dog suits your personality – you're loyal and protective – but you didn't want to be like me, you wanted to be with me."

Sirius smiled. "Yeah," he said. His eyes drifted closed. "So do you have more tattoos or just that one?" he asked.

Remus smirked. "That's for you to find out," he said with a flirtatious note to his voice.

Sirius picked his head back up from Remus's shoulder. "That's literally what I'm trying to do," he said.

Remus smiled. "When you show me yours, I'll show you mine," he replied. Sirius bit his bottom lip, and Remus interrupted the action by kissing him again. "I promise, you'll love it," he whispered against Sirius's lips. That electric feeling coursed through Sirius again, flipping his stomach. His hand reached up to the back of Remus's neck, tangling in his hair, as they kissed again. Sirius's heart raced as he lost himself in the sensation of their kiss and the scent of musk and chocolate.

Remus's hand slipped under Sirius's shirt, and Sirius gasped at the feeling of Remus's hand on his skin. His back arched as he moaned into the werewolf's kiss.

Remus pulled away with a frown. Sirius's head tilted to the side.

"When was the last time you ate?" Remus asked. He shook his head slightly. "I didn't realize it until now, but you're losing weight."

Sirius sighed. "It's been a few days," he admitted. "I've been too sick to eat."

"Are you hungry?" Remus asked. "I have plenty of food."

Sirius bit his lip again before he nodded. "Yeah, I think I could eat," he said.

Remus nodded. "I'll get you something," he said before he slipped out from under Sirius and made his way to the kitchen. Sirius stood to follow him, but suddenly felt dizzy, so he sat back down and decided to just wait. After a couple of minutes, Remus returned with a sandwich for Sirius. "Start small," he said, holding it out for him. Sirius accepted the sandwich with a smile as Remus sat back down. Sirius took a bite of the ham and cheese sandwich and suddenly realized how hungry he actually was. He devoured it before he reached for his tea to wash it down. Remus smiled at him. "More?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "No, not yet," he said as he set his tea back down. "Gotta make sure it stays in there," he said with a chuckle. "How'd you know?" he asked.

"I could feel your ribs," Remus replied.

"Oh," Sirius whispered. "Yeah, I guess I haven't been eating much since all this business with Snape started. Depression, you know?" he asked. He shook his head. "I… actually thought about taking my own life this morning, just to make it stop," he confessed. "But I thought about you, and…." He shook his head. He looked back up at Remus, who watched him patiently and without judgment in his eyes. "I couldn't," he said. "I just… I'm glad I didn't," he said softly. "Because I wouldn't be here right now if I had."

Remus reached out to pull Sirius back into his arms. He kissed Sirius's forehead. "I'm glad you didn't, too," he whispered.

Notes:

So YAY they kissed! And I love when Remus gets protective and caring.

Chapter 6

Notes:

Okay, so this one is another heavy one. Today's list of triggers includes:
Physical Violence, Attempted Murder, Strangulation, Severe Physical Assault, Graphic Depiction of Injuries, Depictions of Blood, Emotional Distress, and a tiny bit of Suicidal Ideation (from both Sirius and Remus, but it's almost a blink-and-you-miss-it sort of thing and not anything that either of them focuses on). Basically, shit gets real for a minute. If in doubt, remember our story tags. Snape is evil.

Sirius approached the door of his apartment, his hand tightly gripping Remus's. The weak morning sunlight filtered in through the dingy window high in the stairwell. Garbage littered the floor around them, mostly papers, but some food as well. Remus's nose wrinkled as he smelled the stairwell. Sirius noticed a garbage bag sitting outside his neighbor's apartment.

His heart raced as he stepped in front of his door. He inserted his key into the deadbolt and turned the lock before switching keys to the one for the knob. He turned it as well, turning the knob as he did. He took a deep breath to steady himself and closed his eyes briefly before he pushed the door open with a creak of the hinges.

As the living room came into view, Sirius stared at it in dismay.

Books, papers, photographs, even the stuffing from the cushions on the couch and chair had been strewn across the room. Shelves had been emptied. The lamps overturned. Photos in frames had been smashed. Sirius's hand clenched involuntarily around Remus's.

Sirius traded his keys in his hand for his wand as he and Remus stepped into the apartment. Remus insisted on going first, without even saying a word. He held Sirius behind him, looking at the damage. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say you didn't leave it like this," he said, his voice deeper than its usual timbre.

"No," Sirius gasped, shaking his head as he looked around. His eyes fell on the smashed coffee maker. "I really did not."

The chairs and table in the kitchen had been overturned. The bookcase that Sirius had put up to be a divider between the two spaces had been knocked over. Sirius took a step and looked down at the feeling of something under his foot. He picked his foot up and saw his sketchbook. He let go of Remus as he knelt to pick it up. He flipped it open to see that most of his drawings had been torn out of it, specifically the ones he'd drawn that related to Remus in some way. Sirius let out a sob as Remus turned to look at him.

"What?" Remus asked.

"My sketchbook," Sirius said thickly as he stood up. He flipped through the pages, hoping to find something that hadn't been ruined and still had meaning. The only one still untouched that related to Remus was a drawing of the forest until a full moon with the wolf and Sirius's dog form running. Sirius clutched the sketchbook to his heart and bowed his head before he let it fall to the floor again. He'd just have to get a new one, he decided. They were just graphite and paper, after all.

He picked it back up and tucked it under his arm, knowing it was far more than graphite and paper.

Remus reached for him and kissed his forehead. "Come on," he said. "Let's see how bad the rest of it is."

Sirius nodded. Remus kept Sirius behind him as they carefully stepped through the chaos. In the short hallway, Sirius looked at the bathroom through the open door. The mirror had been shattered. The shower curtain shredded. The sink cracked.

Sirius craned his neck to look over Remus's shoulder. The bedroom door was closed. Sirius never closed it, but realized he may have yesterday because he wouldn't have wanted Regulus to see the bloody clothes. Remus had his wand in one hand, at the ready, just in case someone was behind the only closed door. Instead of lowering his wand, Remus let go of Sirius's hand to reach for the doorknob. Sirius clutched at the back of Remus's shirt, his heart hammering in his throat.

Remus turned the knob on the door, which moved with ease. He pushed the door open, pushing it all the way to the wall, without stepping into the room. Remus leaned his head into the room and scanned it. It was the only room that hadn't been touched. The only room that hadn't been utterly destroyed and violated. Sirius could see his bed in the corner, still unmade because he just couldn't be bothered to fuss with it yesterday.

Remus sniffed the air before he finally lowered his wand. "It should be safe," he said.

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay," he said. "I'll get some clothes together and we can shove off, yeah?" he asked.

Remus nodded as he turned around. "You need to report him," he said. "First yesterday and now this?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "I know I do," he said. "Let me just get my bag together and then we can call, okay?"

Remus pressed his forehead against Sirius's. "Promise?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Get Lily over here," he said. "She might want to throw her stuff in, too." Remus frowned, and Sirius could tell that he was curious to know more. He shook his head. "It's not my story to tell," he said. "Just… get her here first."

Remus nodded. "Will you be alright while I call her?" he asked.

Sirius looked into his bedroom, which was where most of the assaults had occurred, even if those weren't the violent ones. "Yeah," he said, sounding unconvincing. Even he could hear the hesitation and fear in his voice. He gave Remus an unsteady smile. "You're just in the next room, right?" he asked.

Remus nodded. "Plus, I have super hearing, so I'll be able to hear you no matter where I am," he promised. "It'll be like I'm right there with you."

Sirius nodded. "Okay," he said. "I'll be fine, though," he said. "You said he's not in there, so he's not in there, right?" he asked. "Can't hide from your nose."

Remus gave Sirius a reassuring smile. "Not without some very obscure magic," he said. "I'd know if he was in there."

Sirius nodded again before he kissed Remus quickly. "Go call her," he said. "I'll be fine."

Remus kissed Sirius one more time before he slipped past him to go into the kitchen. Sirius's hand clenched around his wand as he looked into the room. "Okay," he whispered to himself. "You can do this, Pads. You're just packing, and then you never have to come back. Simple. Quick. In and out."

He took a deep, steadying breath, then stepped into the room. 

The moment he entered the room, an oppressive, gravitational force dropped him to his hands and knees, dropping his wand in the process. Sirius's arms shook with the effort to keep himself up, and he knew that if he tried to grab his wand, he would fall the rest of the way. His breath caught in his throat before his chest started heaving with each rapid breath. "Fuck!" he cried out. "Moony!" he called. Somehow, he knew the sound didn't leave the room.

Blinding pain erupted on the side of his face. Sirius cried out as he was knocked into the wall. He felt himself being dragged further into the room, but the stars in his eyes kept him from seeing anything else. The next thing he knew, he was forcibly rolled onto his back. Then, the foot that had kicked his face kicked him in the ribs repeatedly.

Sirius screamed as he felt one rib snap. He coughed, sending white-hot pain searing through him. He gasped for breath, but felt like he was drowning instead. "Rem–" he tried to call out, but was cut off by another kick to the face.

The room spun around him. He saw a flurry of bright spots in his vision, almost like snow. 

Then, finally, his attacker came into view with a flourish of black robes, hair, and eyes. He knelt over Sirius, who attempted to bring his knee up to hit Snape between the legs, but he couldn't lift his limbs that far.

Snape's hands descended and wrapped around Sirius's neck. Sirius struggled to breathe, opening and closing his mouth. No sounds escaped him. The pressure in his head skyrocketed, blinding him with pain. Snape took one hand off Sirius's neck and punched him in the face. His limbs felt heavier by the moment, but Sirius was able to reach up and try to claw weakly at Snape's hands on his throat. His vision started to go gray as his hands fell limply at his sides, still under the Slytherin's control.

Snape's eyes were blacker than they had ever been. Sirius looked into them and felt as if he were looking into an endless abyss. There was no soul, no ounce of goodness in him. Sirius knew, in that moment, that the man strangling him was more evil than Voldemort.

Just let go, his mind whispered. You've suffered enough. Just let go. Let it end. You've had a taste of happiness. You didn't even deserve that much.

No! another part of his mind protested. This pain is nothing! Remus is coming! Hold on!

The pain was nothing, not compared to the curses his mother would put him under. And he should have been back to Remus by now, so there was no doubt in Sirius that he knew that something was wrong. Sirius wasn't going to give in that easily. His lungs were burning for air, and the pain in his ribs and head was just a reminder that he was still alive.

But the blackness at the edges of his vision was growing rapidly.

Remus…

The last thought to go through Sirius's mind was the werewolf's name. Sirius succumbed to the blackness and felt the hands fall away. And… was that a snarl?

 

Sirius gasped as he opened his eyes, grateful for the chance to breathe again. His throat hurt so bad that it brought tears to his eyes when he swallowed. It took him a moment to register that he was, in fact, still alive. The sound of fists pounding flesh made him look over, his neck protesting the movement. He saw Remus kneeling over Snape, punching him repeatedly. Remus's face was contorted in viscous rage, and all Sirius could think was that his own tormented knight was incredibly beautiful.

Sirius then registered that Snape was no longer moving, struggling, or reacting to the punches. He lay limply at Remus's bloodied hands, yet the werewolf still attacked him. Sirius called out to him twice, his voice barely audible. "Remus!" he hoarsely called out, his voice barely above a whisper despite the force he put behind it.

Remus finally looked at him, one fist poised to punch again.

"Stop," Sirius said, without volume or sound.

Remus scrambled over to Sirius and gathered him up in his arms, kissing every part of him he could reach. He let out a sob as he folded himself over Sirius, who was too weak to do more than breathe. Remus let out a sob as he pressed his lips to Sirius's forehead. After a moment, he pulled out his wand and cast a full-body bind curse on Snape, then sent a signal for the Aurors to come.

A shadow in the doorway made them both look up. Lily appeared at the doorway. She shook her head and then reached out to grab Snape by the foot and drag him from the room. His head hit the doorframe as she pulled him through. "Oops," Sirius heard her say.

Sirius, gaining some strength now that he could breathe, reached up and held Remus to him, his fingers threading through Remus's hair.

"I'm okay," Sirius struggled to say.

Remus shook his head as tears fell onto Sirius's face. "No, you're not," he gasped, his voice thick with tears. He let out another sob. "I thought I lost you."

Obviously, Remus was right. Sirius was far from okay. "I'm alive," he whispered instead.

Remus shook his head. "Don't speak," he said. He reached up with a shaking hand to brush some of the hair out of Sirius's face. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I looked and I didn't see him. I didn't smell him. I went out there to call Lily, and I realized I couldn't hear you. I couldn't hear you at all." He let out a sob. "I came back here," he continued, gasping for air. "I saw him on top of you and you weren't moving and I just fucking snapped." He broke down sobbing, clutching Sirius to him as he buried his face in Sirius's neck and shoulder. Sirius reached up and stroked his hair. Remus pulled away, sucking in a breath. He coughed, turning his head away from Sirius as he did. He looked back down at Sirius, more tears falling from his eyes and onto Sirius's face. Remus's hand shook as he reached up to gently wipe them away, the bruises already blooming on Sirius's face and neck. His face contorted before he leaned in and kissed Sirius again. "I just got you," he whispered. "I just got you, and he was taking you away from me. So I started hitting him, and I was going to keep hitting him until he was dead, and then I was going to call the Aurors to come and take me out because this world isn't worth being in without you."

Sirius brushed the tears away from Remus's face. 'I love you,' he mouthed.

Remus let out another sob. "I love you," he whispered through his tears before he kissed Sirius again.

A knock at the door made them look up. Lily stood in the doorway. "The Aurors are here," she said.

Remus nodded. "Be right there," he said.

Lily nodded and turned to give them a moment.

Remus gathered Sirius securely in his arms and stood up, cradling him. He carefully stepped through the doorway of the bedroom in time to see Lily showing one of the two Aurors where she had dragged Snape. He waited until the Auror, who nodded at them, walked into the bathroom before they followed Lily back to the living room, where the other Auror was pulling out a camera and enchanting it to take photographs of everything.

The Auror looked at the three of them and the disarray of the room. "What happened?" she asked.

Remus cleared his throat. "He needs healing before he can tell you his version of what happened," he said. "The man who did this, he's a Death Eater. I beat him to save Sirius's life and put a body bind on him."

The Auror nodded. "Do you know his name?" she asked.

"Severus Snape," Lily said, her voice rough.

The Auror nodded again and pulled out an enchanted quill and notepad. The quill started writing down everything they'd already said. She then pulled a potion out of a pouch on her belt. "Wiggenweld Potion," she said.

Sirius reached for the potion, but his arm was sluggish and his fingers didn't work right. Lily jumped in and took the potion from the Auror. She uncorked it and brought it to Sirius's lips. Sirius drank it and started to feel it begin to work. The dose was so small, though, that Sirius knew that it was for stability, not healing.

"Think you can stand?" Remus asked.

Sirius shook his head. Remus nodded. He sat down on the arm of the overstuffed chair and adjusted Sirius in his arms. Sirius draped over him, resting his head on Remus's shoulder.

"Any better?" the Auror asked him.

Sirius cleared his throat, which didn't hurt as badly as before. "A little," he whispered. He still felt like he had broken glass in his throat.

The Auror nodded. "You'll need to go get treatment when we're done here," she said.

"I'll take him to St. Mungo's," Remus said.

"Make sure they write an injury report," she said. "Most of these guys go straight to Azkaban, but, in case there's a trial, the injury report will help."

Remus nodded. "I'll make sure," he said.

The Auror looked at his hands. "For both of you," she said. Remus nodded again. "So," she sighed. "What happened?"

Sirius started from the beginning. It took him several minutes to explain the events, the curse, the manipulation, and Snape's loyalties through his battered voice. The quill at her side dutifully wrote down everything he said as the camera started photographing his injuries. He had to lift his shirt for the camera to get photos of his bruised ribs as well, which made Remus tear up again.

"Bloody hell," the Auror whispered as her partner came out with Snape hovering behind him, still unconscious but now with magical ropes around him. She looked up at him.

"I'm gonna take this one in for processing," he said. He nodded to the others.

"Oh, did you confirm he's a Death Eater?" she asked.

Her partner nodded. "Got the mark and everything," he said.

She nodded. "See you back at the Ministry when you're done," she said.

He nodded to her, smiled, and then walked through the front door before disappearing.

"Right," the Auror sighed. She looked at Remus and Lily. "I'm betting you two have details to add," she said.

They spoke. Lily told Remus to give his statement first, as what she needed to report happened years ago. Remus told the Auror his version of the events at the flat, which didn't take nearly as long because he was ultimately just a witness to things that happened there rather than anything else, though he did mention the injuries Sirius had sustained the day before and how he had been the one to heal them.

When he finished, the Auror turned to Lily. Sirius felt Remus stiffen as Lily described what happened to her the summer before their seventh year, as well as her discovery of the curse Snape had used on Sirius. She stated that she recognized Snape's signature in the spell because she'd known it from years ago, which was also how they knew that Sirius had been cursed, but not when it happened.

"And this curse, you say it's like a modification of the Imperius Curse?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, it uses the same principles as Imperius; however, the effects of it are somewhat different, especially given that a strong will doesn't overcome it, and Sirius didn't even know he had been cursed. It appears to have a few other spells mixed into it as well. I'm still working on deciphering that."

"And how are you able to see that Snape is the one who created it?"

"I work in the Department of Mysteries," Lily explained. "We use a lot of magic there that isn't taught in Hogwarts. I used a combination of spell and potion to force the curse to reveal itself and explain its properties to me. Part of that is that it also provides the signatures of the caster and the creator. In this specific case, those symbols were the same, meaning that Snape not only cast it on Sirius, he also created it. The only thing I can't gain from the information I get is how long the spell has been in effect."

Right," the Auror said with a nod. "Anything else to add here?" she asked.

The three of them shook their heads.

"Okay," she said. She looked at Sirius and Remus. "Get to St. Mungo's," she said. "Get patched up, and make sure that you get those injury reports."

Remus nodded. "I will," he promised as Sirius gave the Auror a thumbs-up. She turned and left.

Lily looked at Sirius and Remus. "I'd love to stay and help, but you need medical attention beyond my abilities," she said. "Mary's also going to get very worried if I'm not home soon."

"Thanks, Lily," Remus said. "Come on over to the cabin sometime, yeah?" he asked. "Be lovely to catch up."

Lily nodded. "Absolutely," she promised. "I've got news to share, but now's not the time." She stepped in to give Remus a hug. She reached out to Sirius, who caught her hand and kissed the back of it. "I love you both," she said before she left.

Remus looked at Sirius. "Let's get you to the clinic," he said.

 

Once at St. Mungo's, Sirius was taken back almost immediately for treatment. Remus was still carrying him, as Sirius still didn't feel steady enough to walk. He had tried, when they'd gotten up to leave the flat, but Sirius had nearly fallen, and Remus had just scooped him up like he weighed nothing. Sirius wasn't sure if it was because of his recent weight loss or if it was just that Remus was that strong. When they got to the room, the healer advised them to sit down. Remus didn't want to let Sirius go, so he sat down on the cot with Sirius still in his arms.

The healer watched them closely. Watched how Sirius rested his head on Remus's shoulder and closed his eyes, watched how Remus gently kissed him and held him close, watched Sirius's hand as he absently rubbed Remus's arm… "You two have been through it, haven't you?" she asked.

Remus cleared his throat. "Yes," he confirmed.

The healer tilted Sirius's head up so that she could see his neck. She looked at Remus's bloodied, bruised, and swollen hands as well. "Any other injuries?" she asked. 

Remus helped Sirius pull his shirt up so the healer could see his ribs. She sucked the air through her teeth at the sight of all the bruising. She looked at Sirius. "Can you speak?" she asked.

"Barely," Sirius replied with a gravely whisper. He winced at the pain.

"The Auror gave him a Wiggenweld Potion while they were with us," Remus explained. "Gave him a minimal bit of healing so that he could make his statement."

The healer nodded. "So it's injury reports, is it?" she asked. Remus nodded. "Right. They take pictures?" she asked. Remus nodded again. "What happened?" she asked.

Remus sighed. "Long story, but the short version is that someone tried to kill him, so I beat the daylights out of him," he explained. 

The healer nodded. "It certainly looks like that," she said. "Thank Merlin you were there," she said. Remus smiled at her, but his eyes were haunted. She took a minute to write down a few notes before she pulled her wand out and started muttering healing spells over them. Sirius took a deep breath, letting his lungs fully expand, grateful that there was no pain. The healer then had them do a series of flexes and stretches impacting the various places they'd been injured. Remus spread his hands out and then clenched them three times, confirming he felt no more pain or stiffness, before she declared them healed. She had Sirius do a number of neck rolls, facial expressions, and side stretches, confirming that he also felt no pain. She wouldn't declare him healed, though, until he walked across the room a couple of times without help to prove he was no longer dizzy. Once she declared him also healed, she let them go, wishing them luck. She promised she'd get the injury reports written and sent both to the Auror's department and to them as well. "Just in case," she said. "Never know what they might lose."

Sirius thanked her for helping them before he took Remus's hand in his again. With that, they were dismissed and eager to leave.

 

Notes:

Remember how our story opened up back in Chapter One? Well, we're there. We made it back to that. This was the part of the story that was the hardest for me to write. I mentioned that writing this was a therapy project for me, and this chapter is why. I'm also actually going to therapy now, so there's that too, but I wrote this before I started that. Are you aware that if your partner attempts to strangle you, they are more than 700 times likely to end your life the next time there's an event? That's a scary thought, isn't it? That's the thought that repeated itself over and over in my head when it happened to me. Here's some DV resources in case you need them (I'm in the US, so these are mostly US-based):

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Offers confidential support, crisis intervention, information, and referrals 24/7.
Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY: 1-800-787-3224
Text: START to 88788
Chat: Available on their website
StrongHearts Native Helpline: A confidential, 24/7 culturally-appropriate domestic violence and dating violence helpline for Native Americans and Alaska Natives.
Call or Text: 1-844-7NATIVE (1-844-762-8483)
Chat: Available on their website
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: Provides information and resources for young people experiencing abuse or curious about healthy relationships.
Call: 1-866-331-9474
TTY: 1-866-331-8453
Text: LOVEIS to 22522
Chat: Available on their website
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): The largest anti-sexual violence organization in the U.S.
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Online Chat: hotline.rainn.org/online
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV): Advocates for victims and survivors. More information at
National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV): A social change organization dedicated to ending violence against women. Provides information and resources, including a directory for state and territorial coalitions.
Learn more and find state-specific resources at Information & Resources for Survivors – NNEDV.
DomesticShelters.org: Provides the largest searchable database of domestic violence programs and shelters in the U.S. and Canada, along with an extensive library of resources.
U.S. Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women (OVW): Provides federal leadership in developing national capacity to reduce violence against women. Offers resources for survivors, including state-by-state coalitions.

Chapter 7

Summary:

Sirius stared down at Remus for a moment before he reached out to touch one of the jagged scars that cut across Remus's face. 

"What's on your mind?" Remus asked.

Sirius stared for a moment more. "You have so many scars," he said, his voice soft. "But, fuck, you're beautiful."

Notes:

Your warnings for this chapter include: Explicit sexual content (this time it's consensual!), and some feelings of unworthiness (it's Remus, y'all. 'Nuff said).

Overall, it's a very... *ahem*... light(?) chapter compared to previous ones, but it's also... spicy.

Hours later, Sirius and Remus returned to the cottage. Remus set down the bag packed with Sirius's clothes and a few other items from his flat before he pulled Sirius into his arms. His mind flashed back to the image of Sirius lying limp beneath Snape's hands, and a shiver passed through him. "You scared the fuck out of me today," he whispered.

Sirius nodded. "I know," he said. "Scared the fuck out of me too. I had my wand out and everything, terrified that there was actually something in there even though you checked. I trusted that you said it was clear, I was just so afraid to go in there," he whispered.

Remus nodded. "I know," he said. "I heard you talking to yourself."

Sirius smiled. "Can't keep anything from you, can I?" he asked.

Remus shook his head. "My nose and ears usually tell me everything I need to know," he said.

Sirius smiled wider as he reached up to touch Remus's cheek. Remus leaned into his hand. "You fascinate me," Sirius whispered. He let out a breathy chuckle before he shook his head. "Anyway, the moment I was in the room, there was just this oppressive energy, and I dropped. Dropped my wand. Couldn’t grab it. Couldn't do anything. He started hitting me. I tried to call out for you, but I don't think you could hear me."

Remus shook his head. "No, once you were in the room, I couldn't hear you at all," he said. "I think he had it charmed."

Sirius nodded. "I got that sense too," he agreed. "In the middle of it, I knew you couldn't hear anything happening, so I just trusted that you'd realize something was wrong and make it to me in time."

"I almost didn't," Remus said, his voice breaking.

"But you did," Sirius said softly, stroking Remus's cheek. "You saved my life."

Remus nodded. He sighed. "Hopefully, he goes straight to Azkaban," he said.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed.

He met Remus's eyes, which were still more yellow than normal. He pulled him in for a kiss. Their mouths parted as they met. Remus's arms tightened around Sirius, pulling him in closer, though not nearly close enough. Remus pressed Sirius against the door they'd just walked through. Sirius let out a moan and slipped his hands under Remus's t-shirt, running them across his hard, muscled flesh. Remus let out a sound somewhere between a moan and a whimper as Sirius's hands explored his body. It was a sound he was desperate to hear again. He kissed his way down Remus's neck. When he reached the tattoo they shared, he nipped at it, causing Remus to make the sound once more. Sirius grinned as the werewolf's hands threaded through his hair. Remus grabbed fistfuls of the black curls and pulled Sirius's face back up to his, and they kissed once more. He let go of Sirius's hair, his hands sliding down Sirius's body, until he picked Sirius up. Sirius let out a gasp before he wrapped his legs around Remus's waist, his arms circling around Remus's broad shoulders.

"Mmm, bed," Sirius demanded between kisses. "Now."

Remus nodded before he turned and carried Sirius up the stairs and to his bedroom. They tumbled into Remus's bed, the werewolf landing on top. Sirius pawed at Remus's shirt again, desperate to remove the garment. Remus obliged by untangling himself from Sirius only long enough to pull his shirt up and over his head. Sirius took advantage of the moment and removed his own shirt as well.

Remus kissed Sirius's neck and worked his way down Sirius's body to the constellations on his side. He recognized them, found Sirius's star, and nipped at it the way Sirius had done earlier. Sirius gasped and squirmed under Remus's hot mouth, desperate for more. Remus kissed his way back up Sirius's body and captured his mouth again. Sirius felt every nerve become alive as their bodies touched like this for the first time. He felt Remus's hand trail down his chest and stomach, leaving a trail of tingling nerves behind. Remus's hand slipped into the waist of Sirius's loose pants, reaching for what he desperately wanted to touch.

Sirius cried out as his head dropped and his back arched when Remus's hand wrapped around his shaft. His hips moved on their own, responding to his touch. Remus continued stroking him as he kissed Sirius's neck and nibbled on his ear. Sirius cried out again, his voice rough with emotion and the feeling of what Remus was doing to his entire body.

It didn't take long for Sirius to feel the pressure start to build. He reached down to unfasten his pants and shove them down past his hips to give Remus better access. The werewolf kissed his way down Sirius's body again, nipping here and there, before his mouth descended on Sirius's cock.

"Oh, fuck!" Sirius cried out. He held Remus's head in his hands, almost screaming into the void, as Remus made him see stars. Remus reached up and grabbed Sirius's wrists, then pinned them to the bed at his sides, pulling his hands away from his head so that he could freely move. Sirius swore again, throwing his head back. Remus's legs had his pinned down as well, and Sirius knew he was at the werewolf's mercy, which only excited him more. "I'm gonna–" he gasped.

Shaking, he released, and Remus swallowed everything he had to give. Tingling everywhere, Sirius felt his body relax as his chest heaved with the effort it took to breathe. Remus crawled back up Sirius's body, kissing him as he moved.

Remus nuzzled Sirius's neck and ear. "Top or bottom?" he asked.

"Uh…" Sirius needed a moment to remember how to think and speak. "Switch," he said.

Remus's hand trailed along his body again. "Preference?" he asked.

Sirius bit his lip. "Bottom," he confessed.

Remus grinned. "Good boy," he whispered, his mouth next to Sirius's ear. Sirius let out a moan. Remus chuckled before he nibbled at Sirius's ear, eliciting another moan. Sirius reached a hand up, threading his fingers through Remus's chestnut hair again.

"Oh, fuck, Moony, please?" he begged.

"Please, what?" Remus purred in his ear.

Sirius whined again. He turned his head and kissed Remus. "Fuck me already," he begged.

"Oh, I plan to," Remus said, sending a shiver through Sirius's entire body. He pulled away, leaving cold air to replace his warmth. Sirius was about to protest when he realized Remus was reaching into his nightstand to pull out a potion bottle. Sirius recognized it as a lubrication potion. Remus, potion in hand, kicked off his shoes and pants. Sirius did the same as Remus rubbed the potion on his cock. Sirius repositioned himself as Remus joined him on the bed once more. Remus added a couple of drops of the potion to his finger before he set it aside. Remus lay next to Sirius again, kissing him, as he reached between Sirius's legs to rub the potion on his hole. Sirius gasped as Remus pressed his finger inside, helping him stretch first. Sirius moaned as Remus's finger worked into him.

Sirius writhed beneath him, almost fucking himself on Remus’s finger. His breath shuddered as Remus kissed his neck. “More,” he whimpered, his voice pleading.

Remus added the second finger to the all-consuming heat that was Sirius’s body, which brought more sounds out of him that delighted the werewolf’s ears. “So good,” Remus whispered in Sirius’s ear, causing him to moan. He nipped at the soft flesh just under Sirius’s ear. “So gorgeous,” Remus said, his voice low and husky. “Always knew you would be.”

“Fuck, Moons,” Sirius moaned as he turned his head toward Remus’s, demanding a kiss that was messy and desperate. Remus’s fingers grazed the bundle of nerves inside of Sirius, causing his hips to buck and the kiss to break as Sirius shuddered beneath him and cried out.

Remus nodded. “Yes,” he said. “Open up for me. Just like that. So good for me.”

Sirius was covered in a sheen of slick sweat now. His curls plastered to his forehead. “Please, Remus,” he begged. “Need you. Need more.” He whined like a man being tortured with silk, and Remus knew he was ready. “Inside me, please,” Sirius begged.

Planning to never deny Sirius again for as long as he lived, Remus rose up over him and slowly started to guide himself in.

Sirius cried out again. Remus kissed his cheek. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Oh fuck yes," he whispered.

Remus pushed in a little further, determined to go slow and ensure that Sirius never hurt again.

Sirius gasped and moaned, and Remus had to hold his hips in place to make sure that he didn’t go too fast. “Wait,” Remus said.

Sirius whined. “I c-can take it,” he stuttered.

Remus nodded. “I know,” he said. “But we both need a little restraint because otherwise I will accidentally hurt you.”

Sirius bit his lip. “Fuck, Moony,” he groaned. He nodded. “More,” he begged. He groaned as Remus slipped the rest of the way inside, eyes wide, pupils blown, face flushed, and mouth parted. Remus lost himself in the heat of Sirius’s body.

“Fuck, Pads, you feel–” Remus groaned as he moved in to kiss Sirius again. “So good,” he said against Sirius’s lips. “So hot.” He kissed Sirius again. “So perfect.”

Sirius stared at Remus as if he personally hung the stars and moon in the sky. “Yeah?” he whispered.

Remus nodded. “Yeah,” he whispered before he started moving his hips, letting the instinct to fuck Sirius into the mattress start to take over. Sirius stared up at Remus's face as he thrust into him. He wore an expression of pure bliss as their breaths, moans, and grunts filled the room around them. Remus reached between them to start stroking Sirius again, causing him to cry out once more. Moments later, they were both breathing erratically and shaking. Their movements getting faster with every thrust. 

“Fuck, Sirius, you’re taking me so well,” Remus hoarsely said.

Sirius hooked his ankles behind Remus, locking them together. “So big,” Sirius moaned. “Feels so good.”

“Be a good boy and cum for me,” Remus begged.

Sirius whimpered as he nodded.

Remus dipped his head to kiss Sirius again before he buried himself deep inside of Sirius's body. They spilled over together, Sirius breaking the kiss to cry out again as he felt both the heat from Remus's orgasm and his own body releasing once more, this time into Remus's hand. His body tightened around Remus, making him gasp.

Remus gently pulled out of Sirius and collapsed on the bed next to him before he reached for his wand to magic away the mess. He put his wand back down before he gathered Sirius up in his arms again. "I've wanted to do that for years," he said with a slight laugh.

"Me too," Sirius said, feeling dumb for his lack of eloquence. He lifted his head and kissed Remus again. He reached up and stroked the side of Remus's face, brushing the hair out of it as he did. He looked down at Remus and smiled. "I love you," he said.

Remus closed his eyes to the words. He let out a sound Sirius couldn't identify, but thought sounded a lot like Remus was about to cry.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, his fingers tracing Remus's jaw.

Remus opened his eyes, and Sirius saw he had tears in them. "The first time you said that to me, you were almost dead," he whispered, thinking back to Sirius's bedroom earlier that day. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Part of me wasn't sure if you were just saying them or if you really meant it." Sirius frowned. "There's a lot people say when they're almost dead that isn't true," he whispered. "I didn't know if it was because I saved you or not."

Sirius kissed Remus again. He met Remus's eyes. "I love you," he said. "I have since I was twelve fucking years old. I mean it."

The tears spilled from Remus's eyes. "I love you," he said thickly.

Sirius smiled at him. "Then why are you crying?" he asked, reaching up to brush Remus's tears away.

Remus sniffled. "Because the only other people in my life who have ever said that to me are dead," he whispered. Sirius realized he was talking about his parents. "And," Remus continued, "I've spent most of my life believing I'm unlovable," he confessed.

Sirius blinked. "Because you're a werewolf?" he asked. Remus nodded. He let out a sob. "Oh, Remus," Sirius said, stroking his face. "Oh, I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What?" Remus said through his tears. "Why are you sorry?"

Sirius shook his head, his hair falling around his face. He reached up and brushed it behind his head. "Because I didn't make sure you knew, years ago, that you were loved."

Remus let out a slight laugh before he pulled Sirius in for a kiss. "I knew," he said as they separated. "I just didn't know," he said. "You don't have to be sorry for that. I made sure you didn't even know which direction I swung because I was determined not to ruin us."

Sirius nodded. "I thought I was clever at keeping my secret," he said.

Remus reached up and ran his finger over the star and moon at the base of Sirius's neck. "No, you weren't keeping it a secret," he said softly. "You told the world every day," he continued. "You were as afraid as I was to tell me." He looked back up into Sirius's eyes. "I'm still terrified," he confessed. Sirius nodded. "I don't want to lose us."

Sirius shook his head. "You won't," he promised.

Remus sighed. "You don't know that," he replied. "You haven't seen how I can get. There's a lot I hid from you guys."

Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus again. "You won't lose me," he vowed. He reached for Remus's hand and laced their fingers together. "I'm not going anywhere."

Remus nodded. "Okay," he whispered. Sirius could tell that he wouldn't believe it until he saw it happen, so he let the subject drop. He kissed Remus one more time before he sat up and started looking at every part of Remus he could see. Remus frowned at him. "What are you looking for?" he asked.

"More tattoos," Sirius said.

Remus laughed. "It's on my back," he said.

"Roll over then," Sirius ordered. "I want to see it."

Remus sniffled and wiped his tears away before he flipped over onto his stomach. He looked over his shoulder at Sirius, wanting to see his face as he saw the tattoo.

Sirius's mouth hung slightly open as he stared at the tattoo in amazement. It was large, taking up most of Remus's back. On the right side was Padfoot, of that, Sirius had no doubt. The large black dog's head started just to the side of Remus's shoulder blade and curved down the right side of his back, the tail coming up the left. The left side of the tattoo was Moony, Remus's gray wolf. Its head started in the small of Remus's back, just to the left of his spine, and curved up the left side of his body, the tail wrapping around Padfoot's head. The canines were wreathed in forget-me-nots and string of hearts. Sirius leaned down and kissed the wolf, feeling Remus stiffen beneath his touch. When he pulled away, Remus flipped back over and reached up to cup Sirius's cheek in his palm.

Sirius stared down at Remus for a moment before he reached out to touch one of the jagged scars that cut across Remus's face. 

"What's on your mind?" Remus asked.

Sirius stared for a moment more. "You have so many scars," he said, his voice soft. "But, fuck, you're beautiful."

Remus smiled as the blush crept into his cheeks. He pulled Sirius back down for a long kiss. After a moment, Sirius pulled away with a sparkle in his eyes. "Oh, hey, can you do something for me?" he asked.

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Hmm?" he asked.

"That part where you called me 'good boy'?" he asked. Remus nodded. "Do that again. I have a hell of a praise kink."

Remus laughed and pulled Sirius in for another kiss. "Good boy," he whispered against Sirius's lips, causing him to whimper. Remus sucked Sirius's bottom lip between his teeth and bit slightly, eliciting another exciting sound out of Sirius.

Remus rolled them over so that he was above Sirius again. Their gazes met, and Sirius saw a hunger in Remus's golden eyes that sent something fluttering in the pit of his stomach. Remus's hand glided across Sirius's body, touching every part of him within reach. He looked away to gaze at the pale man beneath him and smiled. Sirius was lean, almost too lean. The tattoos on his skin were a stark contrast to his milky skin. Remus dipped his head to kiss their symbol at the base of Sirius's neck. Sirius leaned into it, arching his back.

Remus picked his head back up and reached up to run his hand through Sirius's soft curls. Sirius noticed that he looked more thoughtful than playful now, so he reached up to touch Remus's cheek. "What?" he asked.

"Me holding you down," Remus said softly. "Was that okay?" he asked. "I'm realizing now that it may not have been the best choice, given what you've been through."

Sirius smiled at him. "Oh, you can do that again," he said with a nod. "You wanna try ropes next time?" There was a glimmer in his eyes. "Because I'm absolutely thrilled to be restrained by you."

Remus chuckled. "When did you get so submissive?" he asked.

"Oh, it's literally only in the bedroom," Sirius replied. "The rest of my life, people who want to control me can fuck right off, but in here?" he asked. "Fucking please." 

Remus grinned before he kissed Sirius again.

As he pulled back, Sirius ran his hand through his shaggy, chestnut hair. He held Remus's eyes for a moment, searching for something. "What's our future look like?" he asked softly.

Remus sighed and lowered himself back down on the bed, wrapping his arms around Sirius and tucking a leg between his. Sirius pulled the knee that wasn't pinned down up, bending his leg. "Like this," Remus said. "You, me, a nice, quiet home. Once the war is over, I'll try and get a job. We'll find a home we both adore. We'll even make sure you have a place for your motorbike. Or maybe three, if you're so inclined." Sirius chuckled. "I'll have a room for all of my books. It'll be warm, inviting, cozy. There may or may not be questionable art on the walls that is abstract enough that no one really notices what they are until they look at it closely." Another chuckle. "We'll have photos everywhere, you and me, our friends, chronicling our lives as we get older."

"Kids?" Sirius asked.

Remus lifted his head and studied Sirius for a moment. "Do you want them?" he asked.

"Maybe?" Sirius asked. "I'm not sure. What about you?"

"Only if they're safe," Remus said, his voice barely more than a whisper. He lowered his head back down onto Sirius's shoulder. "If we can find people to take care of them during the full moons so they're not with us, not hearing me, and I'm not a danger to them."

Sirius nodded. "We'll make sure it's safe," he said. "If we decide we want them. Build you a secure room for your transformations. Get that potion people are talking about."

Remus lifted his head again. "The Wolfsbane Potion?" he asked. Sirius nodded. "Do you know how expensive the ingredients are, let alone the whole potion?" he asked.

Sirius nodded again. "Of course I do," he said. Remus sat up. Sirius followed him, and they sat facing each other. "I looked into it the second I heard about it. I know what the ingredients are, but I haven't been able to get my hands on the recipe yet. I need to get it so that we can start making it for you."

Remus shook his head. "It's too much," he protested. "I'll never be able to afford–"

Sirius cut Remus off with a finger to his lips. "I'm not sure if you realize this, but I'm disgustingly rich," he said. Remus blinked as Sirius lowered his hand. "Uncle Alphard left me his entire fortune, which is actually more substantial than my parents'." Remus swallowed the lump in his throat. "If I have to go through every galleon in that vault to make sure that you're taken care of, I'll do it in a heartbeat."

Remus started to shake his head. "No," he protested.

"Shut up," Sirius said. Remus's mouth snapped closed. "It's my fucking money and I'll do what I want with it. And, one of the first things I'm going to do is I'm going to get those ingredients, get a couple of new cauldrons, and I'm going to start brewing it for you because I know that it's probably too complicated for you." Remus frowned. "Hey, Potions was the one class that I beat you in," he said. Remus nodded with a sigh.

"Out of curiosity… how much do you actually have?" he asked, hating that he was asking the question.

Sirius shrugged. "I think… a couple million?" he guessed. Remus's eyes widened as he stared at Sirius in shock. "Uncle Alphie was an investor," Sirius explained. "He and his partner lived a pretty humble life. They didn't squander their money. When his partner died, like a decade before he did, he sold off the house they lived in, moved into the flat I have now, and lived so minimally that he almost spent no money for like eight years. He didn't have any kids. I was the only person in the family who cared about him, so he left everything to me. I'm set for life, Remus," Sirius said. "So are my kids and theirs. More generations to follow if they're smart about it."

"Holy shit," Remus whispered.

Sirius reached for his hand. "Let me take care of you, okay?" he asked. "If you want a job, great, it's something to do. But you don't have to stress about it. You don't have to worry about making sure you can eat if they fire you because you're a werewolf. And you can have that potion. I just need to get off my ass and get going on it. We've got, what, a couple of weeks to the full moon?" he asked. Remus nodded. "I'll try to get it together for this full moon, but if I don't, we'll deal with it the way we always do, and we'll have it for next month."

Remus let out a breathy chuckle of disbelief. "Okay," he said softly.

Notes:

So... Wolfstar spice. Was it good for you? I feel like they enjoyed themselves. I hope they did. And see? This story isn't entirely doom and gloom! We have talk of a future filled with hope, and Sirius has been planning on getting the Wolfsbane Potion for Remus for a while; he just hasn't been able to yet because he doesn't have the recipe. That'll come. Remus will learn to love it. Much love! Kudos and comments are very welcome! They keep us authors fed.

Chapter 8

Summary:

Regulus sighed in frustration. "Whatever. Just get your boyfriend off my ass."
Sirius looked at Remus. "What are you doing with his ass instead of mine?" he asked to break the tension.
Remus laughed as Regulus stared at them with wide eyes. "Nothing," he promised. "I think he means your other boyfriend."

Notes:

Alright, our triggers for this chapter include: References to past child abuse - which include a reference to a panic attack that Sirius describes to Regulus; there is also a reference to weight loss due to depression; and we have a conversation about whether a person is broken because they don't experience sexual attraction (Spoiler: You're not!). There's also some kink talk and discussions of sexual preferences. (These are NOT in order, btw. I'm sorry.)

The next day, Sirius sat in the living room at Remus's house, a fresh sketchbook (he always kept extras, after all) in his lap. He sat sideways on the couch, his back to the armrest. His legs were bent to brace the book. His hand was covered in pencil dust from rubbing on the page. He felt relaxed, for the first time in months, enjoying the quiet moment while Remus washed their breakfast dishes, having insisted on doing the chore alone while Sirius relaxed.

That morning, he had chosen to wear yet another pair of his tattered, tight black jeans, this one with a couple of chains sewn into them, his studded leather belt, and a cut-up t-shirt that hung off his shoulder because it was too big. Sirius wore his star and moon necklaces, as well as a few rings. He had refreshed the polish on his fingernails, so they were no longer chipped. Sirius had even, for the first time in months, put eyeliner on.

Remus (who had commented that his clothes had holes because they were old, so why would Sirius want holes in his?) had put on blue jeans and a white t-shirt that morning, saying that he needed to do laundry soon. Sirius's stomach had tied itself in knots at the thought that they'd be doing their laundry together. He'd never had anyone to do laundry with before and was excited at the thought.

And that was what Sirius drew. A scene at a laundromat, with a basket of laundry waiting to be folded. The basket was the focal point of the sketch, and it forced Sirius to look at perspectives and the sizes of objects as they moved into the background.

So, when Sirius heard his name coming from his pocket, it took him a few seconds to both realize what he was hearing and dig the mirror out of his pocket, which he had decided to start carrying with him, just in case. He set his sketchbook aside and had to lift his hips off the couch before he could get the mirror. He looked into it to see Regulus instead of his reflection. He could only see his brother's face, but saw that he looked annoyed. Sirius noticed how Regulus's hair was pulled up again. "What's up?" Sirius asked.

"I need you to get over here and get your boyfriend off my back," Regulus said.

Sirius glanced at Remus, who had frozen while rinsing a plate. "My boyfriend is here with me," Sirius said slowly.

"Don't be a smartass, Sirius, you know who I'm talking about. And what the fuck do you mean? You have a boyfriend?" Regulus frowned. "Since when?"

"Two days ago," Sirius replied. "You'll have to give me a bit to get there," he said. "It's a long walk. Couple miles out."

"Ugh, can't you just Apparate?" Regulus demanded.

Sirius smiled at him. "And miss the walk?" he asked. He shook his head. "Not a chance."

"Okay, rude," Regulus muttered. He sighed. "Just get here," he said.

Sirius nodded. "I solemnly swear I'll get there as soon as I can," he said. He shoved the mirror back in his pocket and sighed as he stood up. "Wanna go with me?" he asked Remus.

Remus nodded as he put the last dish on a towel to dry. "Yeah, it'll be good to see James," he said. He frowned. "And get to know your brother a bit, I guess." He looked at Sirius. "He's really turned over a new leaf?" he asked. Sirius nodded. Remus bit his lip as he leaned against the counter. He nodded. "Yeah," he said. "I should get to know him better."

Sirius smiled. "Reggie's not a bad guy, I promise," he said. "He's done bad things, but he's not a bad guy."

Remus shook his head. "It's just weird to realize that you have a relationship with him," he confessed. "Back in school, you two hardly spoke to each other, and you haven't even spoken about him in a year."
"That's because we got into a fight and told each other that we never wanted to speak to each other again," Sirius explained as he hunted down his boots. It took him a moment to realize they were up in the bedroom. He glanced at Remus and saw he wasn't wearing shoes or socks yet either.

"What did you fight about?" Remus asked as they started up the stairs to finish getting ready.

Sirius thought back. "I think it was about him being a Death Eater," Sirius said. "I was trying to get him to see how bad You Know Who is and how what he's doing is wrong, but he wouldn't hear me. He was so indoctrinated that it was impossible to talk to him. So we agreed not to talk to each other anymore, yet we both kept the mirrors and we both kept them available in case the other one reached out. When I called him a couple days ago, he answered pretty much immediately."

Sirius grabbed a pair of socks from the drawer Remus had cleared out for him and retrieved his boots from under the bed. Remus grabbed a pair of socks as well and started looking for his runners as Sirius sat down on the bed. 

"How do you know for sure he's changed?" he asked.

Sirius sighed as he pulled his sock on. "His face and his voice?" he said. He shrugged his shoulders. "I mean, he’s my brother. I’ve known him all his life. No one knows him like I do. Besides, you don't drop a bomb like 'hey, the enemy's secret to eternal life is that he's making Horcruxes!' without being sincere about switching sides. I'm not totally sure what got him to turn, but I'm not pushing for the answers either."

Remus sat down and started putting on his socks and shoes. "I suppose," he said. "What is a Horcrux anyway?" he asked. "I've never heard of them."

Sirius glanced at him as he zipped up his boots. "Short version: they're basically vessels for holding a piece of a person's soul so they can't die," he explained. "Very dark magic."

"Huh," Remus said thoughtfully. "Why have I never heard of them?"

"They're not spoken about in Hogwarts?" Sirius guessed.

"Then how do you know about them?"

"Uh…" Sirius sighed. "My parents' obsession with dark magic and all things evil," he confessed. "They wanted us to be the same way. Knew more curses and jinxes before I got to Hogwarts than most seventh years. Reggie did too."

"That's morbid," Remus said as they stood up.

Sirius chuckled. "Very," he agreed. "Shall we?" he asked.

Remus nodded and held his hand out to Sirius. "So what are we going to tell them?" he asked. "About us?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I literally just told Reggie, so there's no reason not to just let it come out naturally," he said. "I don't necessarily want to make a big announcement and make James feel awkward, but I don't have any doubts that it won't just come out. We have a habit of touching each other when we're within reach."

Remus smiled as he pulled Sirius in close for a kiss. "There is that," he said. "And, to be clear, you told your brother that you have a boyfriend, not that it's me."

Sirius grinned. "True," he said. 

Remus smiled. "What's that look?" he asked.

"You called yourself my boyfriend," Sirius said with a giggle. He kissed Remus again.

"You said it first," Remus grumbled.

Sirius laughed. "I like it," he said, causing Remus to laugh as well.

"Let's go," Remus chuckled before he spanked Sirius, ushering him through the door. Sirius yelped and looked indignantly at Remus.

"Excuse me, I'm a lady," he said. "You only get to spank me when my clothes are off."

Remus laughed as he and Sirius walked toward the door and out of the cabin.

"Question," Sirius said as Remus shut the front door behind them. He turned on the porch to look at Remus. "How shocked is James going to be?" he asked.

Remus shrugged. "He knows I'm gay," he said.

Sirius gaped at Remus. "You're telling me that he knew and I didn't?" he demanded. "Rude!"

Remus chuckled as he reached for Sirius's hand and started walking down the steps. "To be fair, he's caught me at the pub a few times," he explained. "There was a lot I was hiding from you, specifically, because I was so afraid of changing our relationship and destroying it," he explained. "I'm sorry for keeping it from you for so long. I knew years ago that I wanted to be with you, I just… was afraid of losing you. I was afraid of being rejected."

Sirius sighed as he hugged Remus's arm as they walked. "Can't fault you for that one," he said. "I was afraid of the same things." He kissed Remus's shoulder. "And, in a way, it's kind of a good thing," he added.

"How so?" Remus asked. "There's a lot of time we missed out on with each other."

"Well, we both know what we like in the bedroom, so we can just communicate more easily. For instance, you know I'm submissive, like being tied up, and have a praise kink. I know you're very much the take-the-lead type and a top."

Remus chuckled. "True," he said. "My turn to ask a question," he said.

"What's that?" Sirius asked.

"Why Leo?" Remus asked. "I completely understand the other two, but I haven't figured out Leo."

"Do you know any of the stars in Leo?" Sirius asked.

Remus thought for a moment but shook his head. "Can't say I do," he confessed. "I dropped Astronomy as soon as I could because I thought it'd be too easy to be exposed there."

Sirius nodded. "I remember," he said. "Regulus is in Leo," he explained. "Also known as 'The Lion's Heart'." Remus nodded his understanding. "Even when he and I hate each other, he's still important to me. He's still my little brother, and I'd protect him with my life. I mean, if anyone's going to kill him, it's going to be me," he said with a chuckle. "I added Leo so that he's always with me."

"Does he know?" Remus asked.

Sirius shook his head. "I got it after we told each other that we never wanted to speak to each other again," he explained. "So, about a year ago."

"When did you get the others?" 

Sirius sighed. "The other constellations I got three years ago," he said. He held out his arm to look at the tattoos covering his skin. "Got all of our symbols right out of Hogwarts," he said. "The foot and paw prints were about a month after that. The stars on my face were like six months after that, the planets on my collar bones were four years ago, too, and the random bits on my arm were three years ago?" Sirius shrugged. "I lose track," he said. "I want more."

Remus chuckled. "I'm not surprised," he said.

"What about you?" he asked. "When did you get yours?"

Remus sighed. "Uh… I got the crescent and star after I saw yours," he said. "Probably three and a half years ago? I had to save up for it."

"And your back?"

Remus smiled. "That was actually a graduation present from my dad right before he died," he said. "He didn't know what it meant. Just thought it was really cool."

"And why did you choose the forget-me-nots and the string of hearts?" he asked.

Remus smirked at Sirius. "Unlike some uncultured swine in the world, I do actually know my flower languages," he said.

Sirius laughed. "You think I don't?" he asked.

Remus shook his head. "No, actually, I assume you do," he said.

"Oh," Sirius said as he stopped walking. "That's why you didn't want me to see it until…"

Remus turned to face him. "Yeah," he confirmed. "I knew if you saw it too soon, it might scare you off."

"Why did you choose it?" Sirius asked. "There are a lot of ways to express that, but you chose such a large and detailed piece."

Remus sighed. "There's something I realized after having been in love with you for years by the time we finished Hogwarts,” he said. He shrugged his shoulders. “I always will be.” He said the words so simply, as if they were just a matter of fact that could never be changed.

Sirius stared at him for a moment before he cleared his throat and shook his head, a grin forming on his lips. "So, you're saying that, no matter what, you're never going to leave me?" he asked.

"I'll never stop loving you," Remus said, correcting him. "There's a difference there. You become an abusive prick, and I'll be out the door, but I'll still love you even when I shouldn't," he explained. "Can't tell you how many times you've broken my heart, but I'm still in this."

Sirius stared at him, mouth agape, stricken at the thought that he'd broken Remus's heart. "I– what?" he asked. "What did I do?"

Remus sighed. "For starters, all this shit with Snape," he replied. "I can't even begin to tell you how much it kills me to know what you've suffered at his hands."

Sirius hung his head. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No," Remus said, reaching up to cup Sirius's cheek in his hand. Sirius looked up at him again. "I'm sorry," Remus gently said. "I'm sorry that I didn't prevent it. I'm sorry that I didn't say something to you years ago. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you. I could have kept all of this from happening if I'd just opened my fucking mouth when we were younger. That's what hurts the most, Sirius," he whispered. "I knew you were gay. I knew I was. I knew there was an attraction between us. I was just so afraid of the potential heartbreak that I let it hold me back."

Sirius reached up and pulled Remus in for a kiss. "It's not your fault," he said softly as they separated. "None of this is. I didn't say anything either, and I could have spoken up, too. I didn't want to risk losing your friendship. I figured that as long as I could be a part of your life in some way, it was all worth it. I kept telling myself that I didn't need this. Need us. So I went looking in the wrong places to fill that hole. It's not on you, Remus."

Remus leaned in to kiss Sirius again before he straightened back up. "I'll work on not holding myself accountable for things I didn't do," he promised.

They started walking again and soon found themselves in the village. After a few more minutes, they were walking up to James's house. The door flew open as they approached. "Took you long enough," Regulus snapped. He ushered them inside and shut the door behind them.

"Sorry, I told you, it's a bit of a walk."

Regulus stared at Sirius for a moment. "Yeah, why?" he asked. "Your flat's in London."

Sirius sighed. "It's been a rough few days, and I'm not staying there anymore," he explained.

Regulus sighed in frustration. "Whatever. Just get your boyfriend off my ass."

Sirius looked at Remus. "What are you doing with his ass instead of mine?" he asked to break the tension.

Remus laughed as Regulus stared at them with wide eyes. "Nothing," he promised. "I think he means your other boyfriend."

"Oh, right," Sirius said with a grin. "Forgot about that one."

"You're not funny," Regulus grumbled.

"No, you're right, I'm actually quite–"

"Don't fucking say it!" Regulus snapped, pointing his finger in Sirius's face. Sirius snapped his mouth shut. Regulus pointed to the kitchen. "He's in there."

"Okay," Sirius said, his attitude sobering. "Before I go talk to him, tell me what he's doing that's bothering you."

"Everything!" Regulus cried. "He's always offering me food, making sure I have everything I need, and telling me when he's made dinner. He tells me when he's going to bed, and when he's taking a shower!"

"Well, given that there's only one bathroom here, it's quite inconsiderate of him to make sure you don't need to use it before he occupies it for an extended time," Sirius said. "And feeding you?" he asked, his eyebrows raising. He shook his head. "The absolute audacity. Someone should do something."

"Yes!" Regulus agreed, missing the sarcasm. "Thank you!"

"So what would you like me to do?" Sirius asked. He noticed Remus looking anywhere but at the two of them, holding in his laughter. "Would you like me to tell him to stop being so hospitable? Should I remind him that he's only supposed to house you and not actually speak to you?"

"Well, no," Regulus muttered, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "It's just that he's– he's–" He let out a sound of frustration. "Sirius, he's too nice!" he complained.

Sirius nodded. "I know," he said. He let go of Remus's hand to drape his arm over his brother's shoulder and guide him into the den. He looked over his shoulder at Remus, who pointed toward the kitchen. Sirius nodded. Remus waved at him before walking away. Sirius, in turn, sat down with Regulus on one of the two sofas. "I felt the same way when I started living here," he explained, facing Regulus and tucking one leg up under him. Regulus, in contrast, sat stiffly on the cushions, facing the table instead of his brother. "These Potters," he continued, "they're built differently from us. They have something our family just doesn't have as a whole." Regulus looked at him with his eyebrows raised in question. Sirius noticed the way his hands fidgeted with the cuffs of his long-sleeved t-shirt. "It's called empathy," he explained. "You may have heard of it. They also have compassion. You see, they take us in, and then they take it a step further by taking care of us." Regulus's eyes widened. "And, really, that's all James is doing. He's making sure that you're taken care of. He doesn't want you to be miserable. When he cooks and offers you some?" Regulus nodded. "It's because he wants to make sure you're fed. When he tells you he's going to bed? It's him asking if you need anything before he does. And when he tells you when he showers?" Sirius asked. Regulus nodded again. "Like I said, there's only one bathroom here. He's making sure you don't need it first."

Regulus stared at Sirius with a look on his face that was both confused and worried. "Oh," he said softly. "That's weird."

Sirius nodded. "I know," he said. "I thought so too when I first started living here. I mean, when I moved here, it was the weirdest feeling in the world."

"How so?" Regulus asked.

"There was no yelling," Sirius replied. Regulus's eyes widened again. "No one screamed. At one point, I accidentally broke a vase because I bumped into the table in the hallway to get out of Mum's way. I'd been in such a hurry to move that my hip clipped the table. The vase fell. I was ready for her to start hitting me, scream at me, any of that usual shit, you know?" Regulus nodded. "I had a complete panic attack, waiting for the anger to come. Instead, she cleaned it up, and then she realized I was melting down. So she did something I really didn't expect."

"What?" Regulus asked, leaning toward Sirius and hanging on to his every word.

"She hugged me."

Regulus shook his head. "What?" he asked again.

Sirius nodded. "I think I actually got worse after she hugged me because I'd never had a parent do that before," he explained. "Our family was not the place to go for hugs." Regulus nodded. "I freaked out, she backed off, helped me breathe through the panic attack, and got me calm again, and then she hugged me again, and I started bawling," Sirius said with a laugh. "Just ugly crying and clutching her and just… lost it. Ever had a really good hug?" he asked. Regulus shook his head. "Best thing in the world, I'm telling you," he said. "Try it sometime. You'll feel better."

"Okay," Regulus thoughtfully replied. "But, why is he being like this with me?" he asked. "I'm not you. We're not even friends."

Sirius smiled. "Two things come to mind immediately," he said. "One: You're my brother, and since you're important to me, that makes you important to him. He's trying to look out for you since I can't right now. Second: James thinks that everyone in this world is his friend until they prove otherwise," he explained. "You cannot convince that man that he shouldn't make friends with someone. And once he decides he's going to try?" Sirius shook his head. "It's too late. He's decided you're his friend and that's all that matters." Sirius sighed. "So, do you still want me to talk to him about what he's doing?"

Remus looked thoughtful for a moment. Sirius noticed that Regulus's cheeks were fuller than his were, meaning that his brother probably had more meat on his bones than Sirius did. Which made sense to Sirius, because of how little he'd been eating in the last few months. Sirius looked down at his own bony wrists, noticing how his bracelets weren't even tight anymore. He twisted one around, waiting for Regulus to speak.

Regulus finally shook his head. "Maybe just ask him to back off a little bit?" he asked. He looked at Sirius for a moment. "Why aren't you going back to London?" he asked.

Sirius stared at his hands. "I…" He fell silent, not sure how to be weak and vulnerable in front of his little brother.

Regulus studied Sirius more closely, noticing how thin he was. He frowned. "You had a charm on your face the other day," he said. "It looks different today." Sirius nodded. "What were you hiding?"

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat. "Bruises," he said, looking back at Regulus, whose eyebrows rose in shock. "Lots of really ugly bruises that I didn't want anyone to know about." Sirius cleared his throat. "I, uh… I need to talk to James about it too, so I'd rather not say everything twice, if that's okay?" he asked. Regulus frowned. Sirius swallowed again. He looked back at his hands. "I've always wanted to be strong in front of you," he confessed. He shrugged his bare shoulder. "You're my little brother. I didn't want you to ever see me weak or vulnerable, and I'm not sure how to be that when it's just us."

Regulus's eyes narrowed. "Okay," he said after a moment. He bit his lip. "Would it help if I…. Do you need me to be vulnerable first?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "No, not if you're not comfortable with it," he assured his brother. "You and I have a very complicated history," he acknowledged. "There's a lot of hurt and anger between us. And, while things are different now, we just need some time to build up the trust, you know?" he asked. 

Regulus nodded. "Okay, new subject then," he agreed. "You and Lupin?" he asked.

Sirius grinned as he looked back up at Regulus. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry that man someday," he said.

"Well, you've been in love with him since you were twelve," Regulus said with a chuckle.

Sirius laughed. "That obvious?" he asked.

"The first summer you came back from Hogwarts, he and Potter were the only things you could talk about, and it was usually Lupin. Not to mention that whole business the night you left."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah," he said, thinking back to that first summer because it was preferable to the last one at Grimmauld Place. The only thing Sirius wanted to do was go back to school to see them again. "What about you?" Sirius asked. "Anyone of interest in your life?"

Regulus shook his head. "I don't do the relationship thing," he confessed. "Honestly, I've never done anything with anyone."

Sirius blinked, unable to fully comprehend what his brother was telling him. "Wait," he said. "You've never even had your first kiss?" he asked.

Regulus shook his head. "I mean, Barty tried once, but I shut him down. I dunno," he sighed. "I thought there might be something once, but..." he shook his head. "I think I just really need to have an established foundation first. Like, there has to be complete trust. I can't be bothered with anything casual."

"And you don't trust anyone," Sirius said softly.

Regulus shook his head. "Not completely," he confirmed. "Not the way I need to."

"I get it," Sirius said. Regulus raised an eyebrow at him. "I said I understand, not that I'm the same way," he said. Regulus chuckled. "Open yourself up, though," he advised. "Let someone in."

Regulus frowned. "I have a very limited pool of one here," he said. "You're my brother, Lupin is so obviously in love with you that he would never even look anywhere else, and that leaves me with Potter."

"Who is also single," Sirius informed him. "So, if you're inclined in that direction, think he's cute, or anything like that, there's no reason you can't."

Regulus tilted his head to the side thoughtfully. "Well, he's not… unpleasant to look at," he said. "And, I guess it is kind of nice that he cares. And, if I was going to give someone a chance, I suppose I would rather that person be a man?" he said. He sighed and looked at Sirius. "Am I broken?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Not at all," he said. "Honestly, with our family, it's not surprising that we ended up on opposite sides of the spectrum. I'm all for a good one-night stand. Don't even tell me your name, I don't care. Except with Remus. You, on the other hand, need full trust and to be comfortable before you even consider a kiss. We lived in a house where we couldn't trust our parents. We grew up being treated like possessions. Even the relationship between our parents was terrible."

Regulus nodded. "Thanks," he said. "It helps to have a perspective."

Sirius nodded. "I'm here for you," he said. "Always have been, always will be. Even when we hate each other. You tell me you need me, and I'll drop everything to be there."

"Why?" Regulus asked. "Not that I'm not grateful," he gushed. "But… I've given you no reason to even want to care about me. A year ago, we told each other we didn't even want to speak to each other again."

Sirius reached out and took Regulus's hand in his. "You're my brother," he said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "You were with me in that house. You saw what they did. You experienced some of it yourself. No one will ever know me the way you do."

"Not even Lupin?"

Sirius chuckled and felt his cheeks go warm. "There are things that he knows about me that you will never want to know," Sirius said. Regulus made a disgusted face. "Exactly," Sirius said with a chuckle. "And he knows about what happened with our parents, but he wasn't there. He didn't see it. He didn't experience it. His parents actually loved him, so it's hard for him to actually understand what it's like to grow up with parents who are, at the best of times, indifferent to you, let alone actually abusive. You knew me for eleven years before they did. And I don't care what we said to each other a year ago, Reggie. That was then. This is now. You will always be my brother. I don't think they even know about Cerbie."

Regulus's eyes widened. "You never told them about Cerbie?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "I don't think so," he confessed.

"Shit," Regulus whispered. "Barty knows about Cerbie."

"Childhood pets never really came up," Sirius said thoughtfully. He sighed. "Anyway, like I said, I need to talk to James and let him know what's been going on. Let's go?"

Regulus nodded. "Okay," he said.

Notes:

So flower languages! For those who would like to know, String of Hearts symbolizes love, connection, and unbreakable bonds. Forget-Me-Nots symbolize true love, remembrance, and faithfulness. So, literally, Remus was professing his undying love for Sirius with the tattoo on his back. d'aww! ❤️

Also, if you're not picking up what Reggie is putting down here, he's Demi, which means he needs an emotional connection with someone before he even considers anything more. He thinks James is aesthetically pleasing at this point, but he doesn't want to jump anyone's bones and never has, which is why he's asking Sirius if he's broken. Been there, babes. I asked that question too. 😭 Being on the Ace spectrum is HARD y'all.

Chapter 9

Notes:

This one is heavy, y'all. Trigger warnings for this chapter: Sirius is going to be detailing what he's been going through with Snape (so, obvious discussions of SA and assault warnings). This also opens up to Womtail's betrayal. The conversation also leads into discussions of Sirius's severe childhood abuse he suffered at the hands of Walburga, which include starvation, physical violence, dark magic, and neglect. Along with this, we get some emotional distress and feelings of shame.

The kitchen at the Potters' house was the same as Sirius remembered it from years ago. The curtains over the window above the sink were yellow. The countertops were covered in tiles with little sunflowers. The cabinet doors were painted white with green ivy around the borders. The cupboards were the same. The handles on the drawers were brass sunflowers. The refrigerator was yellow with photos spellotaped to the front of it. The kitchen was u-shaped, with barstools on the other side of the counter not up against a wall. James stood at that counter, cutting tomatoes on an old wooden cutting board, across from Remus, who sat on one of the barstools. Beyond Remus was the dining room with the large table covered with a mint tablecloth, six matching wood chairs with mint-colored pads tied to the seats. The floor was wood, like the entryway, and there was a large area rug under the table and chairs. The windows on the far wall had mint sheer curtains hanging from them, and there was a China cabinet in the corner of the room. To the left of Remus was the door that led to the back garden.

Sirius knew that James hadn't changed anything. He wanted to keep his mother's personality in the kitchen, where she loved bright colors and painting. It was one of the only two rooms James had no plans on changing any time soon, the other being his father's library. 

James looked up as the Black brothers entered the room. He grinned. "Hey," he said. "Lunch is almost done. Just a salad. Hungry?"

Sirius sighed, then caught the look on Remus's face. Without a word between them, Sirius knew that he was going to eat. "Sure," he said with a smile. Remus smiled back. "I, uh… I need to talk to you," he said.

James raised an eyebrow over his glasses. "Am I in trouble?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Nah, I took care of that," he said. "Reggie's going to try not to hate your caring so much. Your job is to tone it down a hair."

James nodded. "Okay," he said. "What did you want to talk about then?" he asked.

Remus gave Sirius a concerned look. "You want to tell him about it?" he asked.

"I want to tell them about it," Sirius replied, indicating his brother as well. "I just don't want to say it twice."

"Sounds pretty serious," James said.

"Quite, actually."

James put down the knife and stared at his best friend, noticing the severity of the situation because Sirius hadn't risen to the occasion and made the standard joke."Well, that has my attention," James said softly. He reached for a towel and wiped off his hands. "Anyone need a drink?" he asked.

"Stiffest you have," Sirius sighed.

"Uh… butterbeer," James replied. "Fresh out of anything stronger."

Sirius knew he was lying, but also knew that James likely didn't want Sirius to drink, given the situation. Sirius and alcohol around James and Remus usually ended up with antics that didn't suit the situation. He nodded. "Sounds good," he said.

Once everyone had a drink, they moved to the dining table. James sat at the head of the table with Sirius to his left and Regulus to his right. On Sirius's other side sat Remus. Remus sat back in his chair, rubbing soothing circles on Sirius's back. Sirius sat forward in his chair, his hands on his butterbeer. He looked at his brother and his best friend, both of whom were alert and waiting.

Sirius cleared his throat. "So, I'm just going to rip off the bandage and then I'll explain more," he told them. "The quick and dirty version is that I was raped and almost killed recently."

Regulus stood up, pushing his chair back so forcefully that it almost hit the windows behind him. "Who?" he demanded.

Sirius held his hand up. "Sit down," he said. "It's a long story. I'll explain."

Regulus stared at him, stone-faced for a moment. Sirius could feel the rage coming off of him in waves. His hands were balled into fists so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"Please," Sirius said. "Sit."

After another moment and a deep breath, Regulus pulled his chair back in and sat down, crossing his arms in front of him as he slouched. Sirius thought it was possibly the first time he'd ever seen Regulus slouch. He looked at James and noticed that his hands were also balled into fists and his ears were pink with his anger.

"Thank you," Sirius said to Regulus, who gave him a curt nod. 

James flexed his fingers. Sirius could see the little crescent moon indents in his palm. He cleared his throat. "Sirius, are you okay to talk about this?" he asked. "This is big."

Sirius nodded. "I want you guys to know," he explained. "You're my brothers, and I don't feel right keeping you out of the loop."

James's eyes flickered to Remus before quickly looking back at Sirius. "Moony knows?" he asked.

Remus nodded. "I was there for part of it," he explained.

Sirius nodded. "He's the reason I'm not dead and you guys aren't planning my funeral," he added.

James let out a heavy sigh before he ran his hands through his permanently messy hair. "Yeah, okay, this is serious."

Sirius gave him a sad smile. "Quite," he said again. He cleared his throat, staring at the butterbeer in front of him. He picked at the label as he started to speak. "It started a few months ago," he began. "Found myself at the Hog's Head one night after a mission, and he was there. We argued, Aberforth told us to knock it off, and I walked away to separate myself from him. He didn't let it go. Followed me to my table a few seconds later and started picking a fight again. I stood up, and he grabbed me by the shirt. I thought he was going to punch me, but instead he pushed me into the wall and kissed me. We ended up in bed together. I told him never again. Few days later, he tracked me down again, convinced me to take him to my place, and it happened again. Every time he showed up, I opened the door. I hated myself for it. I hated that I couldn't tell him no. Hated that he kept coming back. Even after the first time he forced himself on me, I kept opening the door. Couldn't understand why. Eventually, I told him I was done. Told him not to come back anymore. So…" Sirius sighed, closing his eyes. "He offered to buy my body with secrets from the other side." Regulus's eyes widened. "Next time he came over, he roughed me up pretty good. That was the day I brought Reggie here," he whispered. James and Regulus exchanged glances. "Next day, Remus and I went back to my flat to get some of my things, and he'd destroyed my place. Remus checked every room, said it was clear, but he was hiding in my room. Strangled me. Remus came in and nearly killed him. Had to go get patched up by the healers. I was in really bad shape."

There was a moment of silence as James and Regulus processed what Sirius had told them. They both looked pale. They both sat perfectly still. The air in the room felt heavy with the weight of Sirius's words.

"What–" Regulus's voice cracked. He cleared his throat. He swallowed and blinked rapidly. "Your source?" he asked. Sirius nodded. "What leads did he give you?" he asked.

Sirius shifted in his chair. Remus moved his hand to the back of Sirius's neck. "Well, you know the Redcar one," he said. Regulus nodded. "The other was the, uh…" Sirius sighed, knowing that Regulus would know exactly who it was in just a couple of words. "The Department of Secrecy head."

Sirius watched the dots connect, just as he knew they would. "There were only three Death Eaters involved in both of those," Regulus said. "Me, Wormtail, and Snape."

"Wormtail?" James, Sirius, and Remus demanded.

Regulus tilted his head. "You guys know who that is?" he slowly asked.

James stood and started pacing. "We gave him that name!" he snapped. "He's our fucking friend!"

Regulus shook his head. "No, he's really not," he said, looking between the three of them. "He joined up like six months ago. The department head was like his second mission, and he got blamed for it going sour. The Dark Lord thinks he's a rat."

"He is," Remus growled.

Regulus gave him a confused look.

"He's an Animagus," Sirius said softly. "Like James and I are."

"What?" Regulus asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Later," he said, still bewildered that their friend had turned on them. "Did he say why?" he asked.

Regulus shrugged. "He said he hated his friends and wanted to see them suffer for looking down on him. I figured you guys had a falling out or something."

"I need to tell Dumbledore," James said before he rushed out of the room.

Regulus watched James leave. "I'm sorry," he said, looking back at Sirius and Remus. "If I'd known that you guys still thought he was your friend, I'd have said something sooner. The way he talks, you guys haven't been friends in years."

Sirius realized that the story sounded too familiar to him and wondered why. For a moment, he thought about it, then he remembered.

One joined us because his friends were mean to him, and he wanted them to suffer for it.

"Son of a bitch," Sirius whispered.

"What?" Remus and Regulus asked.

"He fucking told me," Sirius whispered. He looked at Remus, sitting back in his chair. "When I tried to break it off, he fucking told me, but he didn't tell me who he was talking about. He fucking knew."

"Yeah, well, he's a cunt," Remus muttered. "Figures he'd be like that." He looked at Regulus. "Has Wormtail given them any information about us?" he asked.

Regulus shrugged. "I mean, he likely had to give some information about the Order just to prove his loyalty," he said, "but I don't know any specifics. I was a lot deeper in than he was by the time I got out," he explained. "I didn't interact with him. Saw him at a couple of meetings, recognized his voice behind the mask. To be sure it was him, I said his name, and he looked at me. Wondered what happened between you guys. Now I know that nothing did."

"And You Know Who thinks he's a traitor?" Remus asked.

Regulus chuckled. "No, the Dark Lord knows he's a traitor because he turned on you guys. He thinks he's a double traitor. Or joined up to be a spy. Literally no one trusts him because he hasn't proven himself yet. Now that you guys know about the Redcar mission, I'd bet he gets flayed once it goes south, too."

James returned to the table, looking ashen.

Remus stared at him for a moment. "What did Dumbledore say?" he asked.

James cleared his throat. "He was stunned, just like we are," he replied. "Said he'll take care of it and not to let him know that we know if we talk to him. He specifically wants us to stay out of it." James pointed to Sirius. "You need to tell him about your attack," he said. "He should know about Snape."

"Ah, you caught that," Sirius said.

"Well, it obviously wasn't Reg, and none of us knew about Peter, so the only person left who fits the bill was him."

"The jock does have brains," Regulus said with a smirk. Sirius glared at him, and Regulus held up his hands. "I don't mean it like that," he said quickly. "Besides, it's not my fault it's a stereotype."

James chuckled. "It's fine," he said. "And yes," he said, looking at Regulus with a grin. "I do have brains. I'm not as dumb as I like people to think I am."

"Right," Regulus said, sarcasm in his voice and a smirk playing on his lips. He looked back at Sirius, the smirk fading away. "So, do you know why he attacked you?"

"I'm assuming it's revenge," Sirius said softly. "I almost killed him once, so why not repay the favor? He's just chosen to play the long game."

"Meaning?"

Sirius sighed. "Like I said, the first time was after he kissed me at the pub," he explained. "I woke up the next morning wishing I could chew my own arm off and obliviate myself. What I didn't know was that, at some point that night – at least, I think it was that night because I'd have never touched him willingly – he cursed me."

"What?" Regulus said, his voice low and dangerous.

Sirius nodded. Remus shifted in his seat to take his hand and hold it. Sirius's grip on Remus's hand was tight. "He cursed me," he repeated. "A whole new curse, based on the Imperius Curse," he explained. James's jaw went slack as Regulus went pale. "Basically, I'm incapable of refusing him. Period. What he wants from me, he gets. I physically can't refuse." Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat. "Reggie, the day I called you was the day after I found out about the curse," he explained. "That day, he'd come over, he forced himself on me, and then he left. I reached out to you after I'd put a charm on myself to hide the bruises. Potion for the pain."

"What the fuck?" James whispered. "You gave no indication."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I'm good at that, remember?" he asked. James's hazel eyes darkened behind his glasses as he remembered other times in their lives when Sirius had hidden significant injuries. "After I left here, I found myself at Remus's place," Sirius continued. "He dragged the truth out of me and decided that I wasn't going back to the flat again."

"I wasn't about to let it continue once I knew," Remus added.

Sirius nodded. "Yesterday, we went back just to get some stuff. Like I said, he was waiting in my bedroom. Roughed me up really badly. Remus saved my life."
"I thought you were dead," Remus sighed, rubbing his face with his free hand. "Never been that terrified before."

"Where is he now?" Regulus asked.

"Aurors took him in," Remus answered. "We aren't sure yet if he's going to get a trial or if he'll go straight to Azkaban. Between Sirius's statement, Lily's statement, and mine, he's not going to be released."

"Lily?" James asked, brow furrowing. "Why was she there?"

"She's the one who discovered the curse," Sirius explained, telling them only enough to explain her presence without revealing her secret. "She explained the different aspects of it to the Auror. Did a hell of a lot better than I could have."

"Did she make a statement about what he did to her?"

Sirius stared at his brother. He blinked. "How do you know about that?" he asked.

"Know about what?" James asked.

"Snape told everyone," Regulus explained. "No one believed him, but after what you've told us about him, I now believe that, while what he said happened isn't the truth, something did, in fact, happen."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, she reported that, too."

The understanding dawned on James's face. "He did it to her, too?" he asked.

Sirius sighed. "It's really not my story to tell," he explained. "And not the curse, but yes," he confirmed. "That's all I'll say."

"I'll kill him," Regulus said.

"Get in line," Remus muttered.

Regulus's sharp eyes turned to him. "No," he argued. "Sirius is my brother. If anyone's going to hurt him for what he did, it's going to be me. I don't care who the fuck you think you are, whether or not you're fucking my brother, or how you feel about him, he's my brother. I was here first."

"You may have been first, but I'm the one marrying him, so it's my job to protect him now."

"Wait–" James cried. "What? When the fuck did that happen? Two days ago, you two were just friends! Now you're engaged?"

Sirius chuckled. "We've talked about it," he said. "Nothing official yet. And yes, two days ago we were just friends. Two days ago is when it changed."

"Are you fucking serious?" James demanded.

"Yes, actually," Remus replied with a grin. Sirius burst out with laughter before he leaned over and kissed Remus's cheek. Remus looked at him as he straightened back up and wiggled his eyebrows. "I get to use that now," he said.

James laughed as he shook his head. "Right, well, first of all: it took you two long enough. Second: maybe slow it down a little bit," he recommended. "Going from an abusive situation and into another relationship that fast isn't the best of ideas."

Regulus crossed his arms. "No," he said.

Remus blinked at him. "Excuse me?" he asked.

"If you're going to marry him, do it proper," Regulus demanded.

Sirius smiled. "You want him to ask permission?" he asked.

Regulus gave a small nod.

Remus laughed. "I am not asking your father," he said.

Regulus stuck his chin out. "I didn't mean him."

"Oh," Remus said. "I understand. How long do you want me to wait before we make it official?" he asked.

Regulus looked thoughtful for a moment. "A year," he said. "You guys are only twenty. You've known each other since you were eleven. Give it a year to make sure you're compatible."

"Oh, we are," Sirius said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"Ew," Regulus said, making a disgusted face. He looked back at Remus. "You hurt him, I kill you. Got it?" he demanded.

Remus gave him a patient smile. "I have no intentions of hurting him," he promised. He looked at Sirius. "Your brother's been through quite enough already."

Regulus's nostrils flared. "I doubt any of you know half of what he's actually been through," he said. "Knowing him, he's downplayed everything."

James and Remus both looked at Sirius. "Is that true?" James asked. "Have you made it seem like less than what it was?"

Sirius sighed. "Yes, it's true," he confessed. He nodded to his brother. "Reggie was there. Saw all of it. Tried to intervene a few times."

"Sirius…" James whispered.

Sirius sighed again. He took a drink of his butterbeer, the label mostly in tiny pieces around the bottle. "You know she used Cruciatus on me," he said. "You know she beat me. You know she verbally assaulted me. You know that she absolutely hated me. You know how that impacted me…." Sirius closed his eyes. He bit the inside of his lip.

"Sirius?" Remus asked. Sirius opened his eyes and turned his head to look at him. "How much worse was it?" he gently asked.

Sirius felt tears burn in his eyes and spill over. He could separate himself from what he'd been through when talking to James and Regulus, become almost mechanical in a way, even make jokes about things that should never be joked about. But telling Remus? Sirius didn't know if he could speak about it.

"So much worse," Sirius whispered. He blinked and looked up at the ceiling. He took a shaky breath and swallowed the lump in his throat. Remus leaned in to him and reached for his hand again, offering him strength and support. Sirius cleared his throat. "When I was thirteen, she broke my arm, healed it, and broke it again… for two days straight." Remus's hand tightened around Sirius's. Sirius saw the color drain from James's face, leaving him ashen once more. "She starved me during the summer breaks. Pretty sure she was trying to kill me. She'd leave me moldy bread and water." Sirius closed his eyes as the memories played out in horrific detail in his mind. "She'd refuse to let me out of my room to even use the toilet or shower for weeks at a time. I had a bucket in my room. Going home was torture," he whispered. "From the moment I got there until the day before we went back." Sirius looked across the table at his brother. "I survived that house because Reggie would sneak me food and unlock the door when she wasn't paying attention."

Remus let out a heartbreaking sound before he stood and walked through the back door to the garden, slamming it shut behind him. Sirius hung his head. After a moment, he stood and followed Remus outside.

Remus stood at the edge of the patio, looking out at the garden. Sirius could see that he was stiff, that his hands were balled into fists, and that his eyes were yellow.

"Moony?" he said softly.

Remus looked at him, and Sirius wasn’t surprised to see the tears on his face. "You never–" His voice cracked. He gasped for breath. "You never told us how bad it really was," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "You kept it all to yourself. You–" His face contorted in a grimace as fresh tears fell. "We would have helped you," he said. "We would have been there for you, and for as much as you trusted us, you didn't."

Sirius shook his head. "It wasn't about trust," he explained softly. "I trust you and Prongs with my life. Until today, I thought the same for Worm– Peter." Sirius felt that the name they'd given him had been tainted now that Peter was using it with the Death Eaters. He didn't want to say it anymore. "I just… I was ashamed," he whispered. "I mean, look at me," he said, holding his arms out. "I'm the cool kid. The tough kid. The everything-rolls-off-my-back kid. Telling you guys what I went through in that house would have shattered the illusion for me. When we were younger, the second I got on that train at King's Cross, Walburga was no longer a thought in my head. I was safe. Hogwarts was where I was safe, and I just wanted to leave my mother in London and not think about her." Sirius closed his eyes for a moment. "I couldn't tell anyone what was really going on in that house because if they didn't do it to me, they'd have done it to Reggie, and I promised that kid the day he was born that I'd protect him."

Remus blinked as more tears fell. "But you didn't tell me," he whispered.

"Especially you, Moony," Sirius replied. He stepped closer to Remus and reached out to him. Remus stood stiffly in front of him. Sirius let his hands drop. "I couldn't handle the thought of you looking at me with pity." Sirius shook his head. "Not you." His chin quivered as tears started to fall. "You were the one person I was trying so fucking hard to impress. I couldn't let you know about the hell that was my life."

Remus shook his head. Sirius took another step closer to him and reached up to brush away his tears. Remus closed his eyes and leaned into Sirius's touch.

"I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius said through his own tears. "I'm so fucking sorry. But, at that point, it wasn't your job to protect me. It was my job to protect you and Reggie. My job to keep your secret. My job to make the full moons pass with a little less pain. My job to comfort you when you were laid up in the hospital wing. Like hell was I going to tell you what happened when I was in London."

Remus pulled Sirius into his arms, wrapping them tightly around the smaller man. He buried his face in Sirius's hair.

"I'm okay," Sirius said, hugging Remus tightly. "It sucked, but I got out."

Remus shook his head. He turned his face toward Sirius's and kissed the stars tattooed on his face. "No one will ever hurt you again," he promised, his voice shaking and rough. "I won't let them."

Notes:

This was a hard chapter to write. I kinda love bringing Effie and Monty's personalities out through the rooms in James's house because they're already gone in this fic, and he just... can't be bothered to change the house yet. Totally know how that goes. But having Sirius sitting in that room, surrounded by those pieces of Effie, telling his brothers what he's been going through, and then turning around and telling James and Remus the truth about the abuse he went through as a child, just... Like, in that moment, the thing he needed the most was Effie to freakin hug him, but she's gone, but she's literally all around him. And in the end, he ends up comforting Remus instead. Which... classic abused kid dynamic, honestly. brb... I need a hug now, too.

Chapter 10

Notes:

Alright, so for this chapter, we're continuing to discuss Sirius and Regulus's past in Grimmauld Place, so there are more references to past child abuse. There's also a VERY brief implied reference to animal cruelty/death - it's pretty blink-and-you-miss it with absolutely no details. RIP Cerbie. Sirius and Remus also have a discussion about his mental health struggles, and there's a direct reference to eating disorders.

When Sirius and Remus stepped inside again, Regulus and James were still sitting at the dining table. They looked up as the couple entered, and Regulus looked back at James. "Yeah," he said, answering a question Sirius and Remus hadn't heard.

James looked back at him. "Really?" he asked with a smile. He pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Who named him?" James asked.

"Who named who?" Sirius asked as he pulled out his chair to sit back down. Remus sat down next to him and pulled Sirius and his chair closer. He rested his head on Sirius's shoulder and hugged his arm.

"Oh," James said. "I was just asking Reg if you really had a dog named Cerberus."

Sirius chuckled. "Oh," he said. "Yeah. I named him. He was technically mine. I had to feed him, take him out, and do all that stuff. Walburga was willing to pay for his food, but that was really it."

"What kind of dog?" Remus softly asked.

"Big black one," Sirius said, turning to look toward Remus. "Irish Wolfhound. Looked an awful lot like Padfoot."

"Who's Padfoot?" Regulus asked.

Sirius smiled as James said, "Sirius is Padfoot."

Regulus shook his head. "Wait," he said, holding up his hand. He looked at Sirius. "You're actually an Animagus?" he asked.

Sirius chuckled. "Did you think I was joking?" he asked.

"I didn't think you were serious!" Regulus cried. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Shut up," Regulus said, pointing at his brother. Sirius grinned. "You know what I meant."

"When the opportunity presents itself, I rarely don't take it," Sirius replied.

Regulus chuckled and shook his head. "You're an ass," he said with a grin.

Sirius grinned again. "Thank you," he said.

Regulus shook his head. "Okay, so I'm assuming you turn into a dog?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Biiiiig black one," he said. "Almost wolf-sized. Just like Cerbie."

"Aww, you called him Cerbie?" James asked. Sirius nodded to him.

Regulus looked at James. "So what do you turn into?" he asked.

"A stag," James replied with a smile. "My antlers are glorious."

"They really are," Sirius cut in.

Regulus chuckled before he turned to Remus, looking thoughtful. "Not you, though," he said softly.

Remus shook his head. "They're Animagi because of me," he said.

Sirius looked at Remus. "You're actually going to tell him?" he asked.

Remus nodded. "I'm sure he already knows," he said. "Between the scars and Snape also being a Slytherin, I can't imagine he doesn't."

"You really are a werewolf," Regulus whispered.

Remus nodded. "I am," he said, his voice still soft. Sirius reached up and covered Remus's hand with his for a moment before he ran his fingers through the little bit of Remus's hair that he could reach. "Snape told everyone, huh?" he asked. "Even after Dumbledore threatened to expel him?"

"No one believed him," Regulus said. "As usual. Probably the only thing that kept him from being expelled, actually." He tilted his head to the side. "Everyone said that there was no way you could be a werewolf because, for one, you were so young, and, secondly, there's never been a werewolf student before."

"I am the first, according to Dumbledore," Remus confirmed.

Regulus studied Sirius and Remus, noticing how comfortable Sirius was with him. He noticed that James had no issues either. He could tell that they felt perfectly safe around Remus, without question. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it before he said anything. He sighed, then met Sirius's eyes. "You're not worried," he said. "Not in the slightest."

Sirius shook his head. "Why would I be?" he asked. "Remus can't turn me."

"Bullshit," Regulus said.

Sirius shook his head again. "No, he really can't," he said. "I'm immune so long as I'm in my Animagus form on the full moon." Regulus frowned. Sirius sighed. "Werewolves can't turn animals," he said. "When I'm Padfoot, I'm genetically a dog. There's no difference between me and any other Irish Wolfhound," he explained. "Werewolves are also drawn to attack humans, not animals. That's how the curse spreads. Without humans nearby, Remus is rather docile. I help him through the transformations so that he doesn't hurt himself too badly and can be with him through the night so he doesn't destroy everything because he's restless."

"How long have you been doing this?" he asked.

Sirius and James exchanged a look. "Eight or nine years?" James guessed. Remus nodded. "Since third year," James said.

"Hold on," Regulus said. "You two, and Wormtail, were able to successfully become Animagi in your third year at Hogwarts?" he demanded. "Do you guys understand how complicated that magic is?" Sirius and James nodded. "How the fuck did Wormtail manage it?" he demanded.

"Looots of help," James said, his eyes widening for emphasis. He glanced at Sirius. "We basically did all the hard work for him, collecting the dew and all that. Hardest part was waiting for the right storm."

Regulus shook his head. "Fuck you guys," he said with a chuckle. His head snapped in Sirius's direction. "You did it at home," he said softly.

Sirius nodded. "As a dog, I needed less food," he said. "It's undetectable by the Ministry, so it never set off the Trace. And the transformation's quick enough that by the time I heard Walburga coming up the stairs to my room, I could quickly switch back."

"You would whine in your sleep," Regulus said. "Mum would hear it. She'd go crazy looking for Cerbie. Drove her absolutely bonkers."

Sirius smiled sadly. "She deserved it," he said softly. "Especially after what she did to him."

"Do we want to know?" James asked.

Both of the brothers shook their heads. "No," they said in unison.

Sirius sighed. "She blast my name off the wall?" he asked.

"Literally the second the door closed behind you," Regulus confirmed. "And then Uncle Alphie, once he died and left everything to you. She said she was supposed to get it, being the oldest sibling. She wanted to write you out of their will, but Dad wouldn't let her."

"Really?" Sirius asked, surprised that his father had stood up to Walburga, for starters, but mostly because he had actually cared about something enough to stand up to his wife. "Why?"

Regulus shrugged his shoulders. "Something about you being the 'first son of the first son' or some nonsense," he replied. "I guess it's a tradition in the family." Sirius nodded, having heard far too many times how it was so imperative that he uphold the Black Family Values because he was the first son of the first son. The last time Orion had thrown that at him, Sirius had given him the finger and slammed the door in his face. "He said that, no matter what you did, you were still entitled to at least half of whatever they left behind, and he wasn't going to change that for anyone or anything."

"Well, I'm surprised they're leaving me with that much," Sirius said.

"I guess, technically, you're supposed to get two-thirds?" Regulus said. Sirius nodded. "Mum made a stink about me not getting as much because you'd have Uncle Alphie's estate, plus half of theirs. She said it wasn't fair to me and wanted you written off."

Sirius laughed. "Why don't you and I figure that out together when the time comes," he suggested. "No matter what they leave behind, I'll have more than you because Uncle Alphie's fortune was at least twice what theirs was."

Regulus shrugged. "I guess that works," he said. "Kind of morbid to discuss it now, though."

Sirius shook his head. "Better to do it now than it is after they're both gone," he said. Regulus nodded, understanding his point. "I have to say, though, I'm actually kind of touched."

Regulus chuckled. "I bet," he said. "Honestly, I think Dad thinks he owes you for the way she treated you. Lately, he's been muttering about how terrible they both were to you."

Sirius shrugged the shoulder that Remus wasn't resting his head on. "I mean, he was really the silent partner in all of that," he said. "She was the cunt."

Regulus looked down, feeling a wave of guilt wash over him. "I mean, I wasn't any better," he said softly. He looked back at Sirius. "I mostly pretended it wasn't happening too."

Sirius shook his head. He leaned forward, causing Remus to sit up with a frown. "Reggie, you were a fucking child," he said. "You had no more power in that house than I did. You were already sticking your neck out for me enough. If she'd caught you sneaking me food or even opening the door for me to shit and shower, she'd have done to you what she did to me."

Regulus nodded. "Yeah," he said softly. A moment later, he stood and left the room. Sirius listened to his footsteps retreat up the stairs and knew he needed some time to calm himself and dissect his feelings alone, so he made the conscious decision not to go after him. Sirius sat back in his chair, and Remus immediately hugged his arm again, resting his head on Sirius's shoulder once more.

"Moony, you okay?" James asked.

Remus shook his head. "No," he said softly.

Sirius reached up and stroked Remus's cheek. "Do you need to step outside and talk more about it?" he softly asked.

Remus sighed. "No," he said as he picked up his head. "I just need to unpack it, you know?" he asked. Sirius nodded. "Like, I know you're okay now, but you weren't when it mattered, and you let yourself be in danger to protect Regulus. And that…" Remus sighed. "I guess I'm just coming to terms with how much you've been hurt in your life. Not just recently, but for all of it."

Sirius nodded. "Pretty much since I was four," Sirius said softly.

"Four, huh?" Remus asked.

Sirius nodded. "I still very vividly remember the first time she hit me," he said softly. "And the last. Most of the rest of them are like blurry memories, except for the times she did something different. But, yeah, I was four. Like you. Bad year for both of us."

Remus nodded. He kissed Sirius's shoulder.

"I want to know, but I don't want to ask," James said.

Sirius looked at him. "About the first time she hit me?" he asked. James nodded. Sirius huffed. "Uh…" he scratched at his forehead with his thumb. "We were at the dinner table," he said. "Walburga was already in a foul mood. Something about one of her friends. Think they married a half-blood or something. She started spouting off about blood purity. The usual prissy bullshit. I, meanwhile, was just pushing my food around my plate because I wasn't hungry. I'd gotten into the cookies shortly before dinner and ate a few too many. She knew about it, of course, and had screamed at me and sent me to time-out. So, she was already mad at me. Reggie laughed at my mashed potato volcano, and she looked over to see what he was laughing at. She started screaming at me, stood up, shoved my face into my food, and demanded that I eat because she didn't spend money on food just to throw it in the bin. I started crying, and she pulled that charming idiom about giving me something to cry about, and just started hitting me. Orion stopped her before she got too many licks in. First and only time he put his foot down about it."

"That's horrifying," James whispered.

"Merlin, no wonder you don't eat," Remus whispered, staring at Sirius with eyes that shimmered with tears.

Sirius sighed. "Pretty sure I have an eating disorder because of her," he confessed, saying the words out loud for the first time. "If given the option, I'd just rather not eat."

"You ate fine when you lived here," James said with a frown.

Sirius nodded. "Your mother noticed," he said.

James gaped at Sirius. "She did?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "She pulled me aside one day, said she noticed how little I ate, and told me that it was quite bad for me to do that. Told me that she didn't expect me to go for large plates or seconds, but she wanted me to eat at least three bites of every meal she made for us. I promised her I would, and I did. After a while, I started eating a bit more. I was doing fine until Snape came along and ruined me again."

"He didn't let you eat?" James asked.

Sirius chuckled. "No, not that," he clarified. "Just the whole situation amplified my already quite cheerful depression, which suppressed my appetite again."

"Oh," James said softly.

Remus's arms tightened around Sirius's. "Please eat three bites for me," he whispered.

Sirius smiled at him. "I'll do my best," he said.

"You'll be a good boy," Remus whispered so that only Sirius could hear.

"Well, in that case," Sirius said with a smirk as Remus laid his head on Sirius's shoulder again.

"What else did my mum know that I didn't?" James asked.

Sirius sighed. "She knew Walburga starved me," he said. "Aside from that, I don't think there was anything she knew that you didn't. And I only told her that much because I had to give her a reason as to why I didn't eat, especially when compared to your appetite at sixteen. She said it wasn't natural for a boy to hardly eat."

"It's not," James agreed.

Sirius nodded. "I'm aware of that," he said. "It's likely I would have been taller if I'd had the proper nutrients growing up."
"But Regulus is shorter than you," James said with a frown. He looked at Sirius, his face crestfallen. "Him too?" he asked.

"Not as often, nor as severely," Sirius said. "He was the golden boy between the two of us, so they usually left him alone. But every so often, he'd set her off, and I'd be there to pick up the pieces. I remember the first time she hit him, too. By then, the abuse was so common that Orion didn't even stop it."

James shook his head. He sighed. "Question, about your brother," James said.

Sirius felt himself fighting a smirk. "What?" he asked.

"Do you think he'd – You know what? Never mind." He shook his head. “Now's really not the time.”

Sirius saw the pink tinge on James's cheeks. "James Potter," he said, "you have a crush."

James's eyes widened in horror. "I-I-" he stammered. "No, I – I mean he's – I'm just saying –" He let out a heavy sigh. "Is it that obvious?" he asked.

"No," Remus said, lifting his head off Sirius's shoulder again. Remus stared at him for a moment. "How did you know?" he asked.

Sirius grinned. "You tell him when you're going to bed," he said. James's mouth snapped shut. "When I lived here, you never did that," he explained. "You'd tell me when food was ready. You'd tell me when you were taking a shower, but you never told me when you were going to bed. Half of the time I was here, I'd try to get into your room after you'd gone to bed without realizing that's why your door was shut. I've literally never seen Reggie that flustered," he explained.

"So… do I?" James asked.

"Honestly, it depends on whether you play your cards right," Sirius explained, recalling his earlier conversation with Regulus. "He's never done the relationship thing, and he doesn't do the casual thing. You're going to have to build a strong foundation with him before you can even think of taking it to the next level."

James frowned. "How strong?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged. "That's up to Reggie," he said. "Just understand that if you do get there, he's not in it for the short bit, yeah?" he asked. James nodded. "He's going to want genuine commitment, and it's going to be something he's sure of going into the relationship. Oh," he added, pointing a finger at James. "You hurt my brother, and I'll end you," he said.

"I'm your brother, too!" James protested. 

Sirius shrugged. "I don't make the rules," he said.

James let out a dignified huff. "Fine," he sighed.

Sirius sighed and looked toward Remus again. "I need a smoke," he said. "Join me?"

Remus nodded, and the pair stood up again to walk through the door to the back garden. Remus kept Sirius's hand in his, holding tightly. They shut the door behind them and walked a few feet away from it before Sirius turned toward Remus and pulled him into his arms. Remus sighed into Sirius's hair, wrapping his arms around him. "Talk to me," Sirius said.

Remus pulled away as he and Sirius pulled out their cigarettes and lit one. The werewolf exhaled a plume of smoke before he spoke. "I just…" he sighed and shook his head, closing his yellow eyes. When he opened them again, Sirius noticed they were more golden than yellow again. "There's so much," he said softly. "You're twenty," he continued. "Twenty. Yet you've suffered almost two full decades of horror. And you make light of it. I don't… I don't understand that."

Sirius nodded, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. "To be fair, neither do I," he confessed. "Not really, anyway. The way I see it is this: Either I can become a catatonic zombie, or I can find humor in the small bits to keep myself from going absolutely bonkers. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely have mental health issues because of what I've been through. I latch onto people I feel are safe, I have nightmares regularly, and I've nearly killed myself more than once. There are days when I am a catatonic zombie. I've gone weeks without getting out of bed for more than the toilet and a drink, maybe some food. I'm absolutely not…." Sirius sighed before he took a drag from his cigarette again. He stared at Remus for a moment, tears blurring his vision. "I'm not okay," he confessed. "Most days, I don't think I ever will be. And… everything that I've been through, it's taught me that I don't deserve happiness," he said softly. Remus's face softened as he let out a strangled sound. Sirius shook his head. "I'm broken, Remus, and I try to hide it every day. Figure if I fake being okay long enough, eventually, I will be."

Remus pulled Sirius into his arms again. "You're not broken," he whispered. "Just damaged. Like me."

Sirius pulled back and looked up at him. "Yesterday, you started crying when I told you that I love you," he said. "You said that the only other people who had told you that were dead." Sirius shook his head. "No one's ever said it to me before you," he whispered. Sirius could see the heartbreak in Remus's face. "James and his parents, they implied it, all the time. Mum, when she helped me through panic attacks and encouraged me to eat. Dad, when he'd realized that I was getting overwhelmed, so he told me to use his library when I needed a quiet place to go that wasn't my room, because he didn't want me to lock myself away. James, every time he calls me his brother. None of them has actually said the words, 'I love you.' Reggie even implies it but never says it. I know these people in my life love and have loved me, but they've never said it. You're literally the first."

Remus reached up and brushed the hair out of Sirius's face. Sirius closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. "I love you," Remus whispered before he kissed Sirius. Sirius kissed him back, trying to pour every ounce of love he had for the werewolf into the kiss. After a moment, they separated, and Sirius's cheeks were wet with tears. Remus reached up again to brush them away.

Sirius cleared his throat. "So… now that you know I'm absolutely shattered, is this marriage thing still on the table?" he asked.

Remus nodded. He smiled at Sirius. "I'd choose you in every lifetime," he whispered. Sirius smiled. "Are there any more revelations you'd like to share?" he asked.

Sirius let out a breathy chuckle. "Ask me anything," he said. "For you, I am now an open book."

"Is there anything I don't know at this point?" Remus asked before he took a hit from his cigarette.

Sirius took a drag as he thought through everything he knew that Remus knew about him. He nodded. "I lost my virginity to Mary before she was Mary," he said. "That's literally the only thing I can think of right now."

"Really?" Remus asked, intrigued by the information. 

Sirius nodded. "Yep," he confirmed. "We were very flirty with each other for a bit in fifth year. I jumped at the chance because she was right there. Mostly, I wanted to see if I could do the guy thing back then because I was already infatuated with you, but I didn't actually know yet if I was gay or just curious. I enjoyed myself. She told me it was nice, but being with me, she realized that she didn't want to be with men. Six months later, she came out as trans. Only woman I've ever fucked."

Remus chuckled. "You and Lily need to stop sharing partners."

Sirius laughed. "Right?" he agreed. He squinted at Remus. "You never slept with her, right?" he asked.

Remus laughed as he shook his head. "No, I never slept with Lily," he promised. "Never slept with a woman, period," he explained. Sirius chuckled. They both took a drag from their cigarettes. "My first was a bloke in the town we were living in when we were in sixth year," Remus continued. "Kid was probably the only one in the neighborhood to even consider me as a friend, let alone anything more. The rest were all terrified by my scars. He and I fooled around a bit. Finally did it about a week before school started up again." Remus shrugged his shoulders. "Next summer, we'd moved again, and I never saw him again. Tried writing him, but I never heard back."

"Damn," Sirius said with a chuckle. "I turned Mary into a lesbian, and you got blown off."

Remus nodded. "And if that's the only thing about you that I didn't know about until now, then yes, I'm still on board with getting married," he said, answering Sirius's original question. "Fuck, I'd take you down to the Ministry tomorrow and elope if I didn't think Regulus would plant a knife in my back for doing it. And, of course, if you wanted to."

Sirius's eyebrows rose. "And miss the chance to wear a princess dress?" he asked. "I'm sorry, but have you met me?" he asked. "I want the fucking fairytale."

Remus laughed before he reached for Sirius again, pulling him into his arms. "You're right," Remus said, staring down at him with eyes that were very golden. "I can't take away your chance at being fabulous."

"Damn right you can't," Sirius said before they kissed. He stepped back and took another drag from his cigarette. Remus stared at him as he exhaled, thinking about their wedding.

"Are you really going to wear a dress?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "I look fabulous in a dress," he said. "You haven't seen it yet, but trust me. I'm fun-sized, but I have legs for days."

Remus grinned. "Fuck yes, you do," he said, pulling Sirius in close again. He lowered his mouth to Sirius's, and they kissed again. "Turn around," he whispered as he pulled away. Sirius obliged without comment. "Bend over."

Sirius laughed as he did. Remus settled himself behind him, their hips meeting perfectly. Sirius's breath hitched as he felt that familiar jolt of electricity course through him, realizing that the conversation had excited Remus, whose hand slipped under Sirius's shirt and rubbed his back firmly. Sirius felt himself harden. He stood back up and adjusted himself in his pants as he turned around. "Keeping that in mind for later," he said.

Remus nodded. "Agreed," he said. "Definitely fun-sized." They kissed deeply and only pulled apart when they heard the door open.

"Get a room," Regulus muttered. Sirius took a final drag from his cigarette before he tossed the butt into the old rusty coffee can at the edge of the patio. As he exhaled, he pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket and offered one to Regulus, who accepted it while Remus tossed his butt into the can. Regulus looked at the two of them as he lit his cigarette. "I'm your best man," Regulus said, his eyes on his brother.

"Does that mean you approve?" Sirius asked.

"Six months, at least," Regulus said. "But I'd rather a year. And, no matter who you marry, I'm your best man. I don't care how close you and James are, I was fucking first."

Sirius grinned. "You got it," he said.

Regulus looked at Remus. "Thank you for saving my brother's life yesterday," he said softly.

Remus nodded. "I wasn't about to lose him, not after waiting for so long for him."

Regulus nodded. "What happened?" he asked. "Like, actual details this time, not just what you said earlier."

Remus sighed and pulled out a fresh cigarette before he answered. "We went back to the flat yesterday," he said as he lit it. Regulus nodded, already having that information. Remus exhaled. "When we got there, it'd been completely ransacked. The couch and chair were cut up, shelves were emptied, photos torn off the walls and thrown around, and even the bathroom mirror was broken." Regulus's eyes widened as Remus took another hit. "I walked with him to the bedroom, checked it, didn't see or smell anything, so I told him the coast was clear. We decided that he'd get a bag together and I'd call Lily over to be there when we made the report. He wanted to make sure she had a chance to tell her story, too. I went back to the living room to call her. He went into the bedroom a few seconds later, and I couldn't hear him anymore." Regulus gave him a confused look, not understanding the implication. Remus took another hit from his cigarette and pointed to his ear. "Super hearing," he explained.

"Huh," Regulus said, thoughtfully. "Didn't know that about werewolves."

Remus smiled at him. "We have lots of neat tricks," he said offhandedly. He cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'd lived there for about a year right out of Hogwarts," he explained. "I knew that I should be able to hear him, no matter what he was doing. So, I got worried that I couldn't. Went back there to check things out, found Snape on top of him, strangling him, and he wasn't moving." Regulus's eyes widened again. "I almost killed him," Remus admitted. "Would have, had Sirius not stopped me."

Regulus squinted at them. "Because if he hadn't, you'd have been executed," he said after a moment.

Remus nodded. "Exactly," he confirmed.

Regulus took a long drag from his cigarette and exhaled through his nose. "So if you two have been dancing around each other this long, why did it take so long?"

Remus chuckled. "We were both terrified of fucking it up," he explained.

"So what changed?"

Remus shook his head. "Nothing," he said. "Just decided it was worth taking the chance. What about you?" he asked. "Anyone strike your fancy?"

Regulus glanced at Sirius, who kept his mouth firmly closed. "Nah, that's too much drama," he said. "I have enough going on now, just hiding from the Dark Lord. If I did things right, he'll think I've been captured or something. Once those Horcruxes start getting found and destroyed, it'll weaken him."

Remus tilted his head to the side. "I asked Sirius earlier, and he gave me a bit of an explanation, but what is a Horcrux, exactly?" he asked.

Sirius sighed. "Like I said earlier, it's a vessel that holds a piece of a person's soul," he said. "Created through cold-blooded murder."

Remus shook his head. "Why?" he asked.

"Because the theory is that if your soul is housed in an object, you can't really be killed," Regulus explained. "Your body can be destroyed, but your soul is still tethered to that object. It can be used to bring you back from the dead."

"Really dark magic," Sirius added.

Disturbed, Remus shivered. He took a hit from his cigarette. Sirius reached for it and took a hit before handing it back to him. "Why?" Remus asked again.

"He's obsessed with being immortal," Regulus explained. "None of the other Death Eaters know what he's done. I figured it out based on a few things he's said here and there. Put it all together, and it paints an interesting picture about the lengths he's willing to go to stay alive. In order to defeat him, those Horcruxes need to be found and destroyed first. No chance, otherwise."

"So what's the plan?" Remus asked.

"Our house elf knows where one is," Regulus informed him. "Once Dumbledore comes up with a plan, we'll go get it. Theoretically, once someone touches the first Horcrux, we'll know about any others and get clues as to where they are."

"You mean, he can do this more than once?" Remus demanded.

Regulus hesitated. "No one ever has before, but I think he's done it three times so far. Theoretically, it is possible. There could be more that I don't know about. Knowing him, he wants at least six. He's obsessed with the number seven."

Sirius shivered. "Merlin, I hope he hasn't gotten that far," he said softly. "Could take ages to track down that many."

Regulus nodded. "I know," he agreed. "Until Dumbledore figures out what the plan is, it's a waiting game, and I'm in protective custody."

James opened the window, causing the three of them to turn. "Lunch!" he called out.

Notes:

I'm with Remus on this one. Sirius has been THROUGH it. Poor babes. Genuinely, that man needs a hug and all the love in the whole world. I love them both so much, which you really wouldn't think considering I'm the one who wrote all this and this is what I put them through, but I'm one of those writers who writes without a plan and my fingers just seem to do whatever they want to on the keyboard, so really I have no control over what happens in the word documents. I solemnly swear. I am trying to upload three days a week right now because I have no life (I'm a spoonie), and this is fully written except for edits. Figure ramping it up just before we all have holidays to deal with is perfect, so there are distractions for everyone who has family they don't want to deal with. 😁

Anywhoooooo, much love to all of you. Hugs all around.

Chapter 11

Summary:

"It's always there, isn't it?" he asked. "The wolf? Like, even on the new moon, you still feel it."

Remus nodded. "Yeah," he confirmed.

Sirius, in that moment, realized he'd been wrong about everything he thought he knew. He'd always assumed that Remus was a human when he wasn't a wolf, but suddenly understood that neither of those assumptions was true. Remus was always a werewolf, even on the days when the moon wasn't full.

"What's it like?" Sirius asked, his voice soft and filled with curiosity.

Notes:

Trigger warnings for this chapter include: Mental health crises all over the board, pretty much all from Sirius. He has a panic attack in the first section of the chapter and deals with a PTSD trigger in the second half; there's a discussion of unhealthy co-dependency between Sirius and Remus; and there is a discussion on how Remus's wolf side impacts him as the full moon approaches. This chapter is a sexually explicit chapter that does not have a happy ending for anyone. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

That evening, back at the cabin, Sirius and Remus washed the dinner dishes together. Sirius stood at the sink, washing the plates, flatware, and cookware while Remus dried the dishes and put them away. Sirius had a small smile playing on his lips, lost in the joy of the small, mundane moments together. He looked up at Remus as he set a freshly rinsed plate on the counter for Remus to dry as soon as he was ready for it, and noticed the tension in his lover's body as he put a couple of cups in the cupboard.

"Still thinking about earlier?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head. "No, but I do have something I need to discuss with you," Remus confessed.

"Of course," Sirius said as he pulled the stopper out of the sink before he rinsed his hands of the soapy bubbles. He reached for the towel Remus held out to him and dried his hands. "What about?" he asked as he handed the towel back to Remus to continue drying with.

Remus picked up the plate Sirius had set on the counter. "The full moons," he said softly.

Sirius looked at the calendar on the wall. They were two weeks out from the next full moon, and Sirius hadn't had time to get the ingredients he needed for the Wolfsbane Potion as they'd spent most of the day with James and Regulus. "What about it?" Sirius asked before he started putting his bracelets and rings back on. 

Remus hesitated. He chewed on his lip for a moment, twisting the ring he wore on his thumb. "I get…" He sighed as he struggled to find the right word. He set the towel down on the counter. "Forceful?" he said, sounding uncertain. "Maybe?" He shook his head. "Anyway, in the days leading up to the full moon, about three days or so before, my libido skyrockets and I get a bit… dominant."

Sirius smirked. "You already are," he said.

Remus shook his head. "No, not like that," he said. He ran his hand through his hair, and Sirius could tell that he was nervous about what he was trying to explain. "I mean, aggressively dominant," he tried to explain. He sighed, meeting Sirius's eyes, pleading for him to understand. Sirius nodded, urging him to continue. "In the past, this obviously hasn't been an issue," he continued. "I've never had a partner for more than a single night. Never been this close to anyone before in the way that we now are. I don't know how I'll be moving forward because you're here now and you're… well, you're my mate," he confessed. "When we were at school and when we lived together before, things were wildly different. I could lock myself away, isolate myself, hide, if I had to. I don't want to do that anymore, not with you." Sirius nodded. "However," Remus sighed, "given your very recent past, I'm not sure what the best course of action is. Obviously, I want you close by because I can't protect you if you're not here with me, but I also don't want to harm or traumatize you even more."

Sirius leaned against the counter and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Realizing that what Remus was trying to tell him was that he had the potential to take things too far, Sirius thought about how to respond to the revelation. He bit his lip. "Right," he said. "That puts a bit of a snag in there, doesn't it?" he asked. Remus nodded. "Are you able to stop yourself?" he asked. "How much control do you have?"

Remus sighed. "It depends," he confessed. He scratched the back of his neck. "Days when I feel like I'm barely hanging on, I'll still isolate myself," he explained. "For the most part, I'm able to keep enough control to keep myself from going too far. I'm…" He sighed. "I'm worried that it'll be different with you. We've established that I never had feelings for my previous visitors," he said. Sirius nodded. "You're in an entirely different category from everyone else."

Sirius's eyebrows knit together as he tilted his head to the side. "Are you saying Moony loves me, too?" he asked.

Remus nodded. He pointed to his head. "You're 'mate'," he said again. He shook his head. "I'm not sure how else to explain it. Everyone else was just a body in the bed. Since there's now a physical as well as an emotional connection between us, I don't know if I'll be able to control myself with you."

Sirius studied Remus for a moment, taking into account the way Remus's eyes were almost a mood ring, his heightened senses of hearing and smell, the way he growled, his strength, and even the way he could move without a sound. "It's always there, isn't it?" he asked. "The wolf? Like, even on the new moon, you still feel it."

Remus nodded. "Yeah," he confirmed.

Sirius, in that moment, realized he'd been wrong about everything he thought he knew. He'd always assumed that Remus was a human when he wasn't a wolf, but suddenly understood that neither of those assumptions was true. Remus was always a werewolf, even on the days when the moon wasn't full.

"What's it like?" Sirius asked, his voice soft and filled with curiosity.

Remus let out a chuckle. "Feral," he said. "Hungry." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Not for food," he explained. "It's like, no matter what I eat or drink, I'm never full. There's always something missing, but it isn't consumable. And there's an instinct that I can't explain. The moment I walk into a room, I know right away where every exit is, I know who's a threat and who's not, and I always put my back to a corner so no one can come up behind me unless I know I'm safe," he explained.

"Huh," Sirius said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. The stubble was rough under his fingers, and he knew he'd need to shave in the morning. Just like he'd need to get started on getting the ingredients and recipe for the potion. "I'll get everything I need to start brewing the potion tomorrow," he said. He ran his hand through his hair. "This month, depending on my luck with it, we'll see how well you can control things. If it gets too much for me, I can head over to James's and stay there for a couple of days." He tapped his bottom lip with his finger a few times before he shrugged. "I'll just meet up with you again for the full moon like we always have."

Remus looked down at the floor. "I don't want you afraid of me," he said softly.

Sirius shook his head as he pushed himself away from the counter. "Oh, I'm not afraid of you," he said. He stepped up to Remus and reached up to tilt his face so they could look at each other. Remus's eyes were amber, their normal color. "I've never been afraid of you," he said softly. "This is just another part of you, and we'll handle it. Together."

Remus pulled away from Sirius and walked to the dining table, where his cigarettes sat. Sirius watched him as he grabbed one from the pack and tossed it down again. "You should just go stay with James," Remus said as he lit it. He shook his head as Sirius opened his mouth to protest, then exhaled a cloud of smoke between them. "I'm stronger than you, Pads," he said. "Faster. If I…." Tears burned in his eyes. "If I attacked you, you wouldn't be able to stop me, and the last thing I want is to hurt you in any way."

Sirius walked up to Remus and pulled him in for a kiss, his hand on Remus's cheek. "You let me decide how much hurt I can handle," he said. "I've been through enough to know my limits. I'm not made of porcelain," he said, shaking his head. "I won't break that easily."

Remus pressed his forehead against Sirius's, his eyes closing. Sirius stroked the werewolf's face. "But you already are," he whispered, remembering their conversation earlier at James's house, where Sirius had confessed to being broken already.

Sirius lightly kissed Remus's lips before turning Remus's chin up so their eyes met again. "Then help me glue myself back together," he said softly. Remus noticed how Sirius had made himself responsible for fixing himself, and not put it on the werewolf. He wasn't asking for Remus to heal him, just to help him heal himself. "The only thing I need from you is for you to love me," he continued. "And I know you do. You know the darkest parts of me, and you're still here," he whispered. "Let me love the darkest parts of you, too."

Remus stared at him for a moment, trying to decide how dark would be too dark for them. When he decided that nothing ever would be, that he could not conceive of a single thing that would make him stop loving Sirius, he kissed him. "I don't deserve you," he whispered.

Sirius smirked at him. "That's my line," he said.

Remus gave Sirius a sad smile, remembering a time when they were in their fifth year and Sirius, sobbing, had told Remus that he didn't deserve the werewolf's friendship after what he'd done.

Sirius kissed Remus once more before he pulled away for his own cigarettes. Remus knocked the ashes into the plastic ashtray on the table as Sirius grabbed his pack. As he lit his cigarette, a large barn owl swooped in from the open kitchen window, dropped a letter on the table, and flew back out. Sirius saw his name on the letter, so he picked it up and flipped it over. Seeing the Ministry seal on the back left him with a pit of dread in his stomach. His fingers trembled as he broke the seal and opened the envelope, acutely aware that Remus was watching over his shoulder.

Shimmery black ink covered the parchment. Sirius stared at the words through tears blurring his vision. It took him a moment before he could actually read the words.

 

Mr. Sirius O. Black,

This letter is to inform you that you are required to appear in court on 7 August, 1980, at 0900 to testify against Mr. Severus Snape, who has been accused of the following:

• Breaking and Entering
• Destruction of Property
• Aggravated Assault
• Aggravated Sexual Assault (multiple counts)
• Crimes Against Wizard Kind and the Ministry for Magic
• Creation and Use of a Spell to Control Another Wizard

Your urgent attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Trudy Edwards

Secretary of the Wizengamot Council

 

Sirius set the letter down on the table. "That was fucking fast," he whispered. "They took him in yesterday."

Remus picked it up. "The seventh?" he asked. "How far out is that?"

Sirius walked up to the calendar. It wasn't August yet, so he flipped the page up and counted the days. "Three and a half weeks," he said.

"Well, that gives me a week and a half to recover," Remus said. "Should be plenty of time." He set the letter down as a second owl swooped in and dropped another letter before it flew back out. This one had Remus's name on it. He picked it up and opened it.

"Same?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. "Yes," he confirmed. He set the letter down and looked at the folded Daily Prophet that neither of them had looked at that morning. He slowly picked it up, his eyes focused on one of the front-page notices. "Oh," he said softly.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, stepping away from the calendar to tap the ashes of his cigarette into the ashtray.

Remus glanced up at him. "The, uh… next full moon," he said, thoughtful. "It's an eclipse."

"Oh," Sirius echoed with mixed feelings. "So…"

Remus sighed. "Well, the good news is that I won't need the potion for this one," he said with a terse smile. "I'll keep my mind. The bad news is that I'll be more aggressive than usual and have even fewer inhibitions."

Sirius thought for a moment. The last lunar eclipse was nearly a year ago. He tried to remember how different Remus was during them, but couldn't recall having noticed a difference before. "What do you want to do?" he asked.

Remus let out a bitter chuckle. "Fucking hide," he muttered. He sighed and rubbed his forehead before he took a drag from his cigarette.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders and took a hit from his own smoke. "Well, it's not our first eclipse," he said.

Remus met his gaze. "No, but it is our first as a couple," he reiterated. "I already don't know how this is going to impact things for a normal full moon. I've never been in a relationship before, Sirius," he said. "Let alone had a partner living with me. This is new territory."

"And the reason it wasn't like this when you were living with me is because we weren't actually a couple yet?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. Sirius bit at his thumbnail. After a moment, he shrugged, dropping his hand. "I don't think there's a reason to change the plan," he said. "I'll stay here until Thursday, at the earliest. If I can't handle what happens, I'll go stay with James until Sunday and then come back here for the full moon."

Remus stared at Sirius for a moment before he sighed and rubbed his forehead. He tapped the ashes from his cigarette before he took a final drag from it and snuffed it out. "I'd rather you just go to James's Wednesday night," he confessed. "Avoid there even being a question."

Sirius shook his head, reaching for Remus again. His heart started pounding in his ears. "Please don't make me go," he whispered, clutching Remus tightly as his entire body started to tremble.

Remus, bewildered by Sirius's reaction, tilted Sirius's chin up to look at him. "Why are you suddenly so scared?" he asked.

Sirius had tears in his eyes and blinked them away. "Please," he whispered. "Don't make me go."

Remus pulled out a chair and sat down, bringing Sirius with him. "Talk to me," he said. "What's going through your head?"

Sirius let out a sob. He snuffed out his cigarette before he wrapped his arms around Remus's neck and pulled his legs up. Remus held him securely. Remus turned his head and kissed Sirius's forehead. "Just breathe," he whispered. "I'm not making you leave."

Sirius hiccoped. "Promise?" he asked.

Remus nodded. "I promise," he said softly. Remus knew he'd promise the world if it would keep Sirius from being hurt again. "You can make that decision," he continued. "I'll let you decide how much you can take."

Sirius nodded as his tears slowed. Soon, he was breathing normally again, breathing in the smell of musk and chocolate, letting it comfort him.

"Do me a favor?" Remus asked.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"Name five things you can see for me."

"Um…" Sirius picked his head up. "Fridge," he said. "Sink. Counter. Cupboards." He turned to look at Remus. "You," he said softly.

Remus nodded. "Four things you can feel?" he asked.

Sirius let out a breathy chuckle. "You," he said again. Remus smiled. Sirius pulled one arm away from Remus's neck. "My rings," he said. "My clothes." He ran his hand through his hair to get it out of his face. "My hair," he finished.

Remus nodded again. "Three things you can hear?" he asked.

Sirius listened for a moment. "Crickets," he said softly. "Your voice. My voice."

Remus smiled at him and kissed his nose. "Two things you can smell?"

"Dinner and you," Sirius said without hesitation.

"And what can you taste?"

"My cigarette I was just smoking."

Remus kissed him. "Feel better?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "How did you do that?" he asked.

Remus smiled. "Trick my mum used to use with me," he said. "She was a Muggle therapist before she got sick."

"Why did I never know that?" Sirius asked.

Remus smiled sadly. "I was too young when she died," he said. "Didn't like to talk about her because it always brought up all the feelings associated with it."

Sirius nodded. "That makes sense," he said softly.

"So," Remus sighed. "Would you be so kind as to explain to me why the thought of me not wanting you here for your safety triggered a panic attack?" he asked.

Sirius sighed. "You're safe," he whispered. "You protected and defended me when I nearly died." He shrugged his shoulders. "Honestly, I'm aware that this is bordering on a really unhealthy co-dependency on my part, but the thought of you not being nearby terrifies me," he confessed. Sirius swallowed as he reached up to wipe the tears from his face. "Honestly, until I know for sure that Snape is rotting away in Azkaban and can never touch me again, I can't do it," he whispered. "Please."

Remus sighed. He pressed his forehead into Sirius's. "We're going to need to work on that," he said softly. "Not that I don't want to, but physically, I can't be with you twenty-four-seven." Sirius's eyes blurred with more tears. "And you're right, it is unhealthy," he confirmed.

"I know," Sirius said softly, his voice high and tight. "But it's only been a day."

Remus nodded. "And that's why I'm not pushing the matter," he replied. "But it is something to work on."

Sirius nodded. "Okay," he whispered.

 

The Thursday morning before the full moon dawned far too early for Sirius's liking. Sirius had spent most of the last two weeks helping James and Regulus get the spare bedroom ready for Rigel's arrival. Thoughts of the Wolfsbane Potion had gone out the window, especially with the knowledge that the pending full moon was going to be an eclipse. Next month would be different. Remus, alternatively, was still working with Lily to find a way to break the curse. Thus far, they had been completely unsuccessful. The sun managed to stream in through a gap in the curtains and blinded him for a moment. He felt Remus still wrapped around his body, heard the steady breathing in his ear, and felt his heart beating against his back. Sirius tugged the blanket over his head, not ready to face the day yet.

Remus responded to Sirius's stirring. He held him more tightly and started kissing his neck and back. Sirius's heart started hammering in his chest as Remus's hand caressed him, rubbing and squeezing all of the best spots. Sirius couldn't help the small moan that escaped him as he burrowed in further, closer to Remus and the bulge the morning had given him.

Sirius reached back and rubbed Remus's hip for a moment before the werewolf moved his leg to give Sirius access to what he really wanted. They slept naked, so there was nothing to move out of the way. Sirius's hand wrapped around the hardened flesh he found. Remus let out a small moan as his hips instantly started to move with Sirius's hand. Remus, in turn, reached around the front of Sirius, between his legs, and started playing with his hole, teasing him open. Sirius gasped as his fingers tightened around Remus.

After a few minutes, Remus pulled away to reach into the nightstand. Once he'd applied the lubricant, he guided himself in and settled inside Sirius. Both of them took a moment. Sirius leaned his head back, resting it on top of Remus's, as the werewolf started thrusting. He groped at Sirius, causing him to cry out, before his hand trailed lower and started stroking him.

"Oh, fuck," Sirius gasped.

He reached back and grabbed a fistful of Remus's hair, causing the other man to growl a warning. Sirius instantly let go, but it was too late. Remus masterfully moved both of them so that Sirius was face down in the pillows, his ass in the air. Remus reached out and pulled Sirius up with a hand around his neck before he started to nip at his neck and ear.

Sirius's heart beat furiously in his chest. He gasped and reached up to move Remus's hand away from his neck, tears burning in his eyes. His breaths were shallow and too fast. Remus growled again, the moment Sirius touched his hand, but this time, Sirius didn't stop. He pulled on Remus's hand, but his arm was locked in place, and Sirius couldn't move it. His breathing became erratic as he struggled. He couldn't stop reliving the moment when Snape's hands were around his throat. All the while, Remus still thrust into him.

"Remus!" Sirius gasped, his voice shaking with terror. "Moony, please," he begged. "Stop!"

Remus froze for a moment before he completely let go of Sirius, who tumbled forward onto his hands and started to cry as he curled up in a fetal position on the edge of their bed.

"Sirius, I'm so sorry," Remus said, his voice rough. He reached out to touch Sirius's shoulder, but he flinched away from the contact, causing Remus to recoil as if he'd been burned.

"I– I just n– need a m– minute," Sirius gasped, his voice thick.

Remus withdrew further, moving to the far corner of the bed, where he sat with his head hanging. Sirius shivered, so Remus pulled the covers over him, careful not to touch him.

Sirius focused on his breathing, willing himself to calm down. He told himself that it wasn't Remus's intention to hurt or scare him. Just a first-thing-in-the-morning thing. A too-close-to-the-full-moon thing. He felt the tremors run through his body. Calm down, he told himself.

"Sirius?" Remus asked. Remus scooted a little closer to Sirius, but still kept distance just in case Sirius wasn't ready.

Sirius took a deep breath and wiped his tears away. "I'm okay," he whispered. He rolled over to face Remus, who stared down at him, looking utterly heartbroken. Sirius reached out to him, but Remus drew back, not trusting himself. Sirius insisted, grabbing Remus's hand and pulling him close. Remus allowed himself to be drawn in and enveloped Sirius as he let out a sob. Sirius held him tightly, reassuring him that he was okay. After a couple of minutes, Remus pulled away, wiping away his own tears.

They stared at each other for a moment. Sirius noticed that Remus's eyes had gone from yellow back to their normal amber. "I'm sorry–" they said in unison. Sirius chuckled. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I should have known better. It's Thursday."

Remus shook his head. "I should have had better control," he replied. "It was my hand on your neck, wasn't it?" he asked. Sirius nodded. Remus reached up and stroked Sirius's cheek. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. He leaned in close to Sirius's face, wanting a kiss but refusing to take more than he already had. Sirius closed the gap between them and kissed Remus, thankful that they were able to talk about it and understand each other.

After a moment, Remus pulled away. "I'm going to take a shower," he said. "If you feel comfortable, you're welcome to join me."

Sirius nodded, needing the closeness after dealing with the panic. Once in the water, under the shower, Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's neck. He let the heat from both the werewolf and the water soothe him. Remus's arms wrapped around him, holding him close. Sirius closed his eyes to the sound of Remus's steady heartbeat.

"I'm sorry," Remus said again, his voice rough. "I didn't want that to happen. That's why I wanted you to stay with James."

Sirius shook his head. "We agreed to let me figure out how much I can take," he said softly. "Now we know that I'm not okay with a hand on my neck."

Remus nodded and kissed Sirius's forehead. They stood under the water for a bit longer before they started to shower.

Notes:

Bit of a rough one for our boys. PTSD just kills the mood, doesn't it? Little bit of insight on the wolf, though, that's fun.

Chapter 12

Summary:

"And what's one thing you can taste?" Sirius asked.
Remus pulled Sirius in for a kiss that would have made his mother clutch her pearls. "You," he whispered.
Sirius smiled. "Oh, I wish I'd pulled that one when you showed me that trick," he said with a chuckle. 
Remus smiled at him as Sirius wiped away the last of his tears.
"Better?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. "Thanks for teaching me that one," he said.
"Comes in handy," Remus agreed.

Notes:

Trigger warnings for this chapter include: Remus being Remus and blaming himself for werewolf things (intense guilt and self-blame), some panic, discussions of the curse and some touching on the upcoming trial, and discussions/implied references to homophobia (nothing specific).

An hour later, Sirius and Remus sat at the kitchen table. Sirius had a cup of coffee in front of him, and Remus had tea. Cigarette smoke filled the air around them. Sirius looked at Remus and could see that he was still struggling with what had happened earlier that morning. Remus's head was bowed; he stared at the tip of his burning cigarette unblinking. His hands were together, and he kept twisting the gold band on his thumb. His hair hung in his face without notice. Sirius noticed that he'd put on his favorite sweater, even though there was no need for one.

Sirius himself sat curled up on his chair, an arm wrapped around his knees. He pulled at the strings from his torn jeans, trying to figure out what to say to make things better. He looked back at Remus. "I'm okay, Moony," he said softly.

Remus brought his cigarette to his mouth and took a drag before he responded. "Yes, you said." He tapped the ashes into the plastic ashtray.

Sirius inwardly sighed, realizing that there was more than just Remus's worry over his reaction to the morning's events. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Remus shook his head. "No," he said, his voice rough.

Sirius took a drag from his own cigarette before he tapped the ashes off. "Can we talk about it?" he asked.

Remus hit his cigarette again before snuffing it out. He exhaled before he spoke, his eyes still on his hands, twisting his ring. "This morning was exactly what I was afraid of happening," he said. "It's exactly the reason why I wanted you far away from me."

Sirius's heart started to pound in his chest. He tried to swallow the fear that crept into his throat as he wondered if this was the end. Was he about to lose the only person he trusted so implicitly? Was Remus about to tell him to get out and go away – for his own safety, of course? His breathing started to become shallower. His hand shook as he took another drag from his cigarette. Tears started to burn in his eyes.

"This is what I was trying to explain to you the other day. The part about being aggressive and dominant. I can control myself to a point, Sirius, but not completely. I get lost in it, you know?" he asked. He finally glanced up and met Sirius's watery eyes. "I don't have perfect control," he nearly whispered.

Sirius cleared his throat before he took a final drag from his cigarette and snuffed it out. "I'm–" He took a breath to steady himself. "I'm not asking you to have perfect control, Remus. That's not possible," he said, his voice slightly trembling. "No one has perfect control. I lose myself sometimes, too – I know it's not the same," he quickly added at Remus's look. "It will never be the same. Your situation is primal. Animalistic. I understand that. We both made mistakes this morning, but it isn't the end of the world."

Remus stared at Sirius for a moment before a tear fell from his yellow eyes. "Isn't it?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Sirius could feel his heart shatter. He realized just how much fear Remus had. How much this meant to him.

Sirius shook his head. "No," he whispered.

"How–" Remus's voice cracked. He blinked as more tears fell. He gasped for breath. "How can you trust me now?" he asked. "How could you possibly allow yourself to be in this situation, given what you've already been through?"

"Because I've wanted this for far too long to go running away at the first sign of trouble," Sirius insisted. He felt tears burn his eyes and blinked them away. He cleared his throat. "Because I've loved you for far too long for this to stop me. You are more than the wolf, Remus," he continued, his own voice shaking with raw emotion. "You're a man, too. And, fuck, before I started freaking out this morning – for no reason, I might add, seeing as I could breathe just fucking fine – it was really good. If we have to set a rule about no morning sex near the full moon, then we do that, but, for fuck's sake, Remus, I'm not going anywhere."

The tears that fell from Remus's eyes broke Sirius's heart. "I can't protect you from me," he whispered.

Sirius took a sip from his coffee before he stood and walked around the table. He took Remus's face in his hands as the werewolf turned to face him. He met Remus's yellow eyes for just a moment before kissing him deeply, feeling that familiar stirring deep within. "I turned myself into a dog so that you don't have to," he said, his voice rough with unshed tears and emotion. "I will brew that fucking potion for you so that you don't have to. And, I will not rest until I can find out what else I can do so that you. don't. have. to."

Remus let out a sob and pulled Sirius in close to him, burying his face in Sirius's chest. "I don't deserve you," he said through his tears, his voice thick.

Sirius looked up at the ceiling and blinked back tears. "I already told you, that's my line," he whispered. He kissed the top of Remus's head and closed his eyes to his own tears, holding them in because, right now, Remus needed the comfort. He swallowed the painful lump in his throat as another sob came from Remus, his entire body shaking with the weight of his tears. Sirius felt like he was the one who didn't deserve this. Deserve him. He was the broken one, after all. The used toy, discarded like garbage. He was the one who should be cast aside, not his beautiful, golden moon.

Remus continued to sob, clutching Sirius tightly to him, his face buried in Sirius's t-shirt. Sirius stroked Remus's hair. "Breathe, my love," he said softly. "Breathe."

Remus gasped for breath and coughed. Sirius knelt in front of him, his hands wiping away Remus's tears. "Breathe," he said again. "Five things you can see?" he asked.

Remus struggled to breathe as he looked around. "Ashtray," he said. "Table. Chairs. You. Stars."

Sirius nodded with a smile. "Four things you can feel?" 

Remus took a shaky breath. "The chair," he said. "My sweater. Your hands," He let out a sob, clenching his eyes shut. "Jeans," he whispered.

"Good," Sirius said. "That's good. What are three things you can hear?" he asked.

Remus held his breath for a moment. "Your heart," he said. "Birds. The fridge."

Sirius's thumb stroked Remus's cheek. "Two things you can smell?" he asked.

Remus opened his eyes and looked at Sirius. "Leather and books," he said softly.

"And what's one thing you can taste?" Sirius asked.

Remus pulled Sirius in for a kiss that would have made his mother clutch her pearls. "You," he whispered.

Sirius smiled. "Oh, I wish I'd pulled that one when you showed me that trick," he said with a chuckle. 

Remus smiled at him as Sirius wiped away the last of his tears.

"Better?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. "Thanks for teaching me that one," he said.

"Comes in handy," Remus agreed.

"How far away can you hear my heart?" Sirius asked, genuinely curious.

Remus cleared his throat. "Um… meter or so?" he guessed. "Haven't exactly measured it. Any further than that, and I have to concentrate pretty hard to pick it up."

"That's actually very cool," Sirius said. Remus let out a laugh before he leaned in and kissed Sirius again, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him up into Remus's lap. Sirius lost himself in the scent of musk and chocolate. Remus drowned in the scent of leather, graphite, and the potions Sirius always used in his hair to keep the curls from going crazy.

Sirius's hand was still on Remus's cheek and jaw. Remus's hand slipped under his shirt and started to inch up Sirius's spine. Sirius moaned into Remus's mouth.

Suddenly, Remus pulled away and looked at the front door, going perfectly still as Sirius was left wondering what had changed. "What?" he whispered, breathless.

"Door," Remus said just before a knock sounded.

"The fuck?" Sirius whispered.

"I heard them coming," Remus said.

"Oh," Sirius replied before he stood. He took another drink of his coffee before he walked to the door to answer it. He blinked in surprise to see who was standing on the other side of the doorway.

Dumbledore smiled at Sirius, his eyes twinkling behind his half-moon glasses. He wore periwinkle robes that morning with his long white beard tucked into his belt. "Ah, Sirius," he said. "I thought I might find you here."

"You–you did?" Sirius stammered as he stepped back to let the Headmaster into the cabin. Dumbledore smiled at him as he entered. Sirius closed the door behind him before he looked at Remus, who appeared just as confused as Sirius was. "Tea?" Sirius asked.

"Oh, please," Dumbledore said with a smile.

Sirius gestured to the couch as Remus stood to get a cup poured for the Headmaster. He took a moment to compose himself as he faced away from the room while Sirius walked to the table to pick up his coffee and Remus's tea, which he then carried over to the sofa. He set them both down as he sat. "Remus will have that for you in just a moment, Sir," he said.

Dumbledore nodded. "I'm glad that I caught you both at home," he said as Remus set down a cup of tea and some sugar on the coffee table for him. "Thank you," Dumbledore said before he added sugar to his tea.

"Do you need any milk?" Remus asked.

Dumbledore shook his head. "No, just the sugar," he said, stirring it before taking a sip. He let out a happy hum before he set it back down.

"May I ask how you knew I'd be here?" Sirius asked.

"Ah," Dumbledore said. "That would be the question, wouldn't it?" he asked. "It was your statement."

"My… statement?" Sirius asked.

Dumbledore nodded at him. "Yes, you see, I serve on the Wizengamot Council," he explained. Sirius let out a silent "oh" as he understood what the headmaster meant. "In your statement to the Auror, you said that you'd returned to London to pack some of your belongings, meaning that you were no longer staying there. As you were with Remus, I took that to mean that you would be staying here with him."

"Logical," Remus said. He and Dumbledore reached for their teas and took a sip before putting them back down. Sirius, in a need to be different, chose not to drink his coffee, even though he wanted to. Remus cleared his throat. "So you'll be at the trial then?" he asked.

Dumbledore nodded. "Indeed, I will be," he confirmed. "I've taken the liberty of reading the witness statements," he reiterated. Sirius felt his stomach drop as Dumbledore met his eyes. "I assume this was your source?" he asked. Sirius nodded. Dumbledore sighed. "You were not able to create distance, I see," he said.

Sirius shook his head. "Not with his curse, no," he confirmed.

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, the details in your statement were quite horrific," he said softly. "Given the trauma you've experienced, I wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing. Do you feel the curse will prevent you from testifying?"

Sirius sighed. "I don't know," he confessed. He glanced at Remus. "Remus would probably be able to answer that better than I can. He's helping Lily develop a counter for it. He knows more about the curse than I do."

Dumbledore looked at Remus expectantly.

Remus cleared his throat and shifted in the chair he was sitting in. "I honestly think it's highly likely," he explained. "Imperius impacts people even when they aren't in the proximity of the person who cast it, so there's a very real chance that Snape could keep him from being able to testify. Or even lie."

Dumbledore nodded. "I admit, I was afraid that would be the answer," he confessed. "How close are you to the countercurse?" Dumbledore asked. "Will you be able to have it completed by the trial?"

Remus sighed. "We're still struggling with identifying all of the basic components," he confessed. "There seems to be elements of several curses and jinxes wrapped up into one spell. Once we can fully identify every curse that went into the creation of this one, we'll be able to start developing the counters, but… with the full on Sunday, I can’t do much right now to help, so Lily’s on her own until I recover. Honestly, unless we have a breakthrough or the trial is postponed, there’s no chance of a countercurse in time."

"Might I suggest using Regulus as a resource?" Dumbledore suggested. "His experience with the Death Eaters may lend some outside thoughts that you and Lily haven't come to yourselves."

Remus nodded. "I'll ask him," he said. 

Dumbledore looked back at Sirius. "And how are you coping?" he asked.

Sirius sighed. He reached for his coffee and took a long drink, setting it down before he answered. "To be honest, Sir, I had a panic attack this morning," he confessed. "I think I'm mostly dealing with things by not dealing with them."

Dumbledore nodded as he reached into his robes. "I feared as much," he said as he held out a small card to Sirius. Sirius took the card from him and looked at it. "Give her a call," he said. "She's a brilliant therapist. She specializes in the type of trauma you've experienced."

"Oh," Sirius said, glancing at Dumbledore before looking at the card again. He tucked it into his back pocket. His heart raced. Therapy? He would be the first to admit that he likely needed it, especially when the trauma of his youth was added to the trauma of what Snape had put him through. The card, its very existence, made him want to throw up. He knew that calling the woman on the card would mean not only facing his experiences, but also discussing them, which was something he was an expert in not doing. "Thank you, Sir," he said softly.

Remus, hearing Sirius's heart rate skyrocket, reached over and took his hand. Sirius clenched it tightly, his knuckles turning white. He took a steadying breath before he reached for his coffee again, noticing that both Dumbledore and Remus decided to use the same moment to reach for their teas. 

Dumbledore looked at their hands and smiled with sadness in his eyes. "You know," he softly began, "there was a time when what the two of you have was considered quite scandalous," he said.

Sirius let out a breathy chuckle. "To be fair, Sir, in the Muggle world it still is," he said.

Dumbledore nodded. "It is," he agreed. "However, in my day, I had to keep it a secret from the wizards, too," he explained. Sirius frowned at him. "Oh yes," Dumbledore said, looking forlorn. He clasped his hands in front of him. "You see, Sirius, you're not the only one to get entangled by dark wizards," he said softly.

Sirius gaped at his former Headmaster. "You?" he asked.

Dumbledore nodded again. "Me," he confirmed. "It ended quite disastrously, in fact. Yet most call it one of my crowning achievements."

"Grindlewald," Sirius whispered.

"Grindlewald," Dumbledore echoed.

"I'm so sorry," Remus said softly. "I had no idea."

Dumbledore gave them a sad smile. "No, you wouldn't, would you?" he asked. "The history books leave out that part. I'm sure that you two may understand that someday."

Sirius looked at Remus and suddenly hoped that, if they were to ever end up in the history books, their love wouldn't be edited out of them. He looked back at Dumbledore. "How did you know?" he asked.

Dumbledore smiled; this time it reached his eyes. "The two of you have always been two sides of the same coin," he said. "While Mr. Potter has always been your counterpart as your best friend, where you were wild, Remus was wise, and you always respected him. That does not happen without a great deal of love. Besides," Dumbledore said with the twinkle in his eye sparkling, "my dear young man, one does not simply decide to attempt the exceedingly difficult task of becoming an Animagus for just a friend," he said.

Sirius froze, staring at Dumbledore in shock. His breath caught in his throat. "Wait–" he said. If Dumbledore knew that he had become an illegal, unregistered Animagus, who else did? And what else did the old Headmaster know? "You knew?" he asked.

Dumbledore winked at him. "You'll find that there is very little that happens within the walls of Hogwarts that I don't know about," he said. "You and Mr. Potter, but you most especially, proved at quite a young age that you were very adept. I have high hopes for you, Sirius," he said.

Sirius realized that he knew that both James and Peter had needed help with the spell, but that Sirius had been able to do it without any. While James and Sirius had to help Peter with every step along the path to becoming Animagi, James had only needed the occasional instruction. It had all been Sirius's idea, and he had spent weeks memorizing the process before he'd even brought it to them, thinking that they'd have more fun as the four of them than just as Sirius and Remus.

"Now that you have only the best in your circle, I do hope you'll go far."

"Speaking of," Remus said. "Any news on Peter?"

Dumbledore sighed. "Ah, yes, Mr. Pettigrew," he said. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "The proper authorities have been notified of his loyalties, and there is a warrant for his arrest. Whether they find him or not is their concern. Should he contact either of you, I trust you'll do the right thing and turn him in."

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look before they nodded. "Of course, Sir," Sirius said. "We wouldn't dream of harboring him."

Dumbledore stared at Sirius for a moment. "I assume that part of the curse you're under means you're unable to act against his will?" he asked.

Sirius looked to Remus for the answer. Remus sighed. "It's a bit more complicated than that," he said. "For instance, I don't think Sirius was capable of alerting the authorities, but when they were there because I had called them, he was able to speak to them."

"What gives you this impression?" Dumbledore asked.

"I tried to encourage Sirius to report him, and he wouldn't," Remus explained. "Even when we saw that the flat had been trashed, he still didn't want to. I don't think that was him, I think that was an aspect of the curse."

Sirius stared at Remus for a moment. "Anything else I should know about it?" he asked.

Remus gave him a patient smile. "We're still learning," he said. "I realized this last night. Hadn't had a chance to talk to you about it yet."

"Oh," Sirius said. He sat thoughtfully for a moment before he nodded. "I think you're right," he said softly.

"Why do you believe that?" Dumbledore asked.

Sirius sighed. "It's hard to explain," he admitted. "You see, before I knew about the curse, I would just do things involving him that weren't… what I would want to do," he explained. "There was one time when he shouted at me to not walk away from him, and I just froze. Now, I know that was the curse that stopped me, but then, I'd rationalized it, convincing myself that he'd startled me. Now that I think about it, I was frozen for a bit longer than I would have been otherwise."

Dumbledore nodded. "That's very insightful, of both of you," he said. "I'll make arrangements for the testimony, just in case it's necessary," he said.

"That's for the best," Remus agreed.

Sirius looked at Dumbledore again. "Sir, how did you know?" he asked. "About us being Animagi?"

Dumbledore smiled at him. "Well, I don't want to give away all of the mystery, but when the students closest to the one I'm keeping a very close watch on suddenly start disappearing from their dormitories every full moon, it leads to very few conclusions. Either Remus had managed to turn all of you, and we didn't need to intervene to save your lives, something we'd done everything in our power to prevent, or you'd found a way to join him safely. As the only way for you to do that is to be an animal yourself, that leaves one option."

"Oh," Sirius whispered.

"I must say, I wasn't at all surprised to see you and Mr. Potter had been successful; however, I was quite surprised that Mr. Pettigrew had been."

"That took a lot of work," Sirius said with a chuckle. "He swallowed the mandrake leaf several times. If we weren't doing it for him, we were dragging him along to do it with us. In retrospect, I feel like we should have just let him fail."

"Many would have," Dumbledore agreed. He reached for his tea and drained the cup before putting it back down. "The Ministry is aware that he is an Animagus, but I have yet to be able to determine what his animal is."

"A rat," Remus said. "Brown, with beady black eyes."

"Identifying markings?" Dumbledore asked.

"Dark Mark, I'd wager," Sirius replied. "Aside from that… no?"

Dumbledore nodded. "I'll pass that along," he said. He smiled at the couple. "I shall see both of you again on the seventh," he said. He stood, causing both Remus and Sirius to stand with him. "Call her," Dumbledore said.

Sirius nodded. He walked Dumbledore to the front door and held it open for him. Dumbledore smiled. "Thank you for the tea," he said to the couple before he left.

Sirius closed the door behind the Headmaster and stared at Remus. "That was…"

"Enlightening?" Remus said, unsure of how he felt about the encounter as well.

Sirius nodded. "Dumbledore's gay," he said softly. 

Remus nodded. "That's what I understood," he confirmed. He gathered up the cups and took them to the sink. Sirius returned to the kitchen table and picked up his cigarettes. He lit one as Remus joined him to also have one. They both sat down at the kitchen table.

"You should call the therapist," Remus said.

"Yeah," Sirius sighed.

"But you're not going to," Remus said slowly.

Sirius spun the ring through his eyebrow. "I need to," he said softly.

"Please do," Remus said softly. "If not for you, then for me."

Sirius studied Remus for a moment, thinking back on their morning. He nodded. "I'll call," he promised.

Notes:

Poor Remus. He's really not okay at the beginning of this chapter. I mean, can't say I blame him really. I think I'd probably be in the same boat. And, really, who can blame him? And being Mr. Smooth over there with that pulling Sirius in for a kiss on that grounding method? Love that. And then Dumbledore coming in dropping a bomb on the boys they didn't expect?

Also, sorry for uploading so late in the day. I got busy doing life things.

Chapter 13

Summary:

Remus gave Sirius a wolfish grin. "Okay," he said. "Hold on tight," he said. Sirius secured his arms around Remus's neck as he locked his hands under Sirius. He stood, effortlessly, causing Sirius to gasp in delight.

Sirius looked down at the floor. "Now see that?" he asked. "That's fucking hot."

"Like that, huh?" Remus asked with a chuckle before he kissed Sirius again.

Notes:

Not really any trigger warnings for this chapter. Sirius reaches out to the therapist to schedule an appointment, Remus gets self-depricating, and then things get spicy. There's some bondage, so if that's not your thing, I totally understand.

Later that morning, Sirius stepped outside and sat down on the front steps. He tilted his head up to the sun as it shone down on him, closing his eyes to the warmth. The cacophony of the forest around them was like music. The different birds, all singing their melodies; the low trill of the bugs, the backdrop of the song; even the breeze through the trees added layers. Sirius let the music of the forest calm him, quiet his racing mind, and slow his quickening heart. The smells of the forest, the dirt, the flowers, the different trees, all of it washed over him.

After a few minutes, Sirius reached into his back pocket and pulled out the card Dumbledore had given him. He looked at it. The ink on the blue card was purple, the letters flourishing.

 

Edith Mars

Trauma Therapist

Tap Three Times for Consultation

 

Sirius pulled out his wand, hesitated only a moment, then tapped the card three times. The card hovered above his hand as the image of an older woman materialized, drawing the blue from the paper, in front of him as a pale, blue, misty cloud. Sirius could still see the forest through her, as it never solidified. She had large glasses with a beaded strap to keep them around her neck when she wasn't wearing them. Her hair appeared to be light and was pulled up in a knot on the top of her head, with ringlets of curls by her ears. Sirius could see a pearl necklace at the base of her neck, but the manifestation ended there.

She opened her eyes and smiled at him. "Ah, hello!" she said brightly. "Dumbledore said you'd be calling. Sirius Black, correct?" she asked.

Sirius nodded. "Yes," he confirmed.

"Right, so he sent me your case file yesterday to give me an idea of what we're going to be working with. I also have a copy of your Hogwarts records. From what I've seen so far, you need to be here yesterday. Can I pencil you in for Monday?" she asked.

Monday would be the day after the full moon. Sirius never scheduled anything for either the full moon or the day after because his focus was always entirely on Remus. Remus was weakest after the full moon. The transformation always took so much out of him. Typically, by the end of the day, he was much better.

Sirius shook his head. "Monday's no good," he said. "Can we do Tuesday or Wednesday instead?" he asked. "Tomorrow also works for me."

He saw Edith look down at something on her side. She tapped a finger to her lips. "I have Tuesday at three," she said. She looked back up at Sirius. "Does that work for you?"

Sirius nodded. "I'll be there," he agreed.

Edith smiled at him. "Great!" she said. "I'll see you then. I'm going to send you an owl with the details."

Before Sirius could respond, a breeze blew the mist away. Sirius put the card, which was now white, back in his pocket. He sat on the stair for a moment longer before he stood up and walked back inside. Remus looked up from his book as Sirius entered.

"How did it go?" the werewolf asked, setting his bookmark in place and closing his book.

Sirius closed the door behind him. "I have an appointment on Tuesday," he said. "In the afternoon."

Remus gave him a sad smile. "I'm glad," he said. "I hope it helps."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah," he said. He shuffled his bare feet and let out a sigh. "Look, I feel like we're not okay right now, and I'm not sure what to do or say to make it better."

Remus sighed. He set his book on the table next to him and gestured for Sirius to join him on the couch. "Come here," he said.

Sirius curled up against Remus on the couch, nestling himself under Remus's arm and resting his head on the werewolf's shoulder. "I love you," he said softly. "I want to make sure you know that. I'm not upset with you or angry or any of that." His fingers absently played with the hem of Remus's sweater. "I feel incredibly guilty about what happened this morning, and I just… I want to make it better."

Remus kissed the top of Sirius's head, holding him there. Sirius could feel the warmth of his breath through his hair. "I'm upset with myself," he said, his voice soft and sad. He closed his eyes. "A lot of this has to go into things that I'm afraid to think about, much less discuss." He paused before he continued. "I think it really started when I put you into the pillows." Sirius nodded. "I…" Remus sighed. He closed his eyes and kissed the top of Sirius's head, silently wishing that this revelation wouldn't push him away. "I can smell that," he confessed.

Sirius lifted his head to meet Remus's golden eyes. "You smell… emotions?" he asked.

Remus nodded. "Certain strong emotions, like fear, desire, sometimes sadness…" Remus ran his fingers through Sirius's hair, trying to figure out the words. "They all have different pheromones," he explained. "When you started to panic, I knew it, and the wolf inside of me really liked it," he confessed. "Liked the struggle of you trying to move my hand away from your neck. I wanted to keep going and make it worse because then it would smell better."

"Oh," Sirius whispered. These new pieces of Remus, pieces he'd never known existed before their relationship reached a higher level, were fascinating to him. They were pieces about werewolves that he'd never known existed, despite the research he'd done in learning everything he possibly could.

Remus closed his eyes for a moment, turning his head away. "And when you spoke… your voice… it broke the… the spell, so to say," he continued to explain. "And I realized what I was doing, what I was feeling, and what was really happening, all in that one moment, and it…." He sighed and looked back at Sirius with yellow eyes. "It scared the shit out of me, Sirius," he whispered. Sirius saw the tears in his eyes and reached up to stroke Remus's cheek. "It disgusted me," the werewolf continued. "How could I do that to anyone, but most especially, how could I do that to you?" he asked. His face contorted with the weight of his fear. Sirius smoothed back his hair. "What kind of monster does that make me?" he whispered.

"Oh, no," Sirius said, shaking his head. "No, Remus, it doesn't," he continued, shifting to kneel on the couch facing Remus. "Look at me," he said, holding Remus's face in his hands. Remus opened his eyes, which were still very yellow. "You're human, but you're also a wolf. You were dealt a shitty hand–"

"That's not an excuse, Sirius!" Remus protested as tears fell from his eyes.

Sirius shook his head. "I didn't say it was," he agreed. Remus sniffled and rubbed his face. "What I am saying is that it's understandable that the wolf part of you gets excited by the things that the human side is appalled by," Sirius continued. "You're not human, Remus, you're a werewolf. You are not a monster. You were turned when you were four. You hadn't grown up, you hadn't been through puberty, you hadn't even had a life yet when Greyback attacked you. There are things about you that only you know about that you probably don't even realize aren't human!" he cried. "You may as well have been born a fucking werewolf for all the humanity you got to experience before you were cursed."

Remus let out a sob as his head bowed. Sirius lifted his face and kissed his forehead. Remus opened and closed his mouth as Sirius pulled away. "But–"

Sirius put a painted finger on Remus's lips, silencing him. "I'm not finished," he said softly. Remus nodded as Sirius lowered his hand. "I know that I'm not with a normal guy," he continued. "I didn't sign up for normal. I signed up for sleepless nights, for amazing adventures, for the happy and the hard. I'm fully aware of what your condition means," he said softly. "I'm fully aware of the risks in just being in the same house with you. If I get a cut, you can't kiss it better. If I'm cooking dinner, your meat needs to be quite a bit more rare than I could even stomach – sometimes even straight up raw. You can't rake your nails down my back. You can't bite me the way I know you'd love to. Your condition means that there are certain things we just can't do. Period. And I know that. But I'll be damned if it's not what I fucking signed up for when I fell in love with you at twelve – after I already knew the truth about you."

Remus cleared his throat. He swallowed the tears. "Shut up and kiss me," he whispered.

Sirius grinned and did just that, his mouth opening to let Remus in. He climbed into Remus's lap, his fingers tangling in Remus's hair, breathing in the overwhelming scent of musk and chocolate. Sirius felt a shiver pass through him as their tongues brushed against each other. He moaned when Remus's hot hands rubbed across his body under his shirt. His own hands seemed to take on a mind of their own as they started to roam across the werewolf's body. He slipped his hand under Remus's shirt and ran along the smooth, hardened skin. Remus let out that whimper that drove Sirius crazy. He pulled away, and Remus looked at him with dark, almost chocolate eyes. Sirius, breathing heavy, kissed Remus once more. "You wanna go upstairs, or is it time to show the couch a few new tricks?" he asked, his voice breathy.

Remus, panting, blinked at Sirius. "It's not too soon?" he asked.

Sirius grinned. "I'm going to be very assertive in letting you know when I want you," he said. "You're free to tell me no at any time. I won't hold it against you. Might have to go take care of things myself, might get a bit pouty and moody when I haven't been dicked enough, but you're allowed to tell me no. Just understand that when I make it crystal clear that when I want your dick, I want it. Tie me down, make me beg, do whatever you want – except touch my neck – just please give it to me."

Remus gave Sirius a wolfish grin. "Okay," he said. "Hold on tight," he said. Sirius secured his arms around Remus's neck as he locked his hands under Sirius. He stood, effortlessly, causing Sirius to gasp in delight.

Sirius looked down at the floor. "Now see that?" he asked. "That's fucking hot."

"Like that, huh?" Remus asked with a chuckle before he kissed Sirius again.

Sirius nodded, still breathless. "When did you get so strong?" he asked.

Remus smirked. "I always have been," he said. "Takes a lot to control it though."

"More on that later," Sirius said, shaking his head. "Take me."

Remus chuckled before he started making his way up the stairs to their bedroom. He grinned again in the doorway and met Sirius's eyes. "Would you like to see how strong?" he asked.

Intrigued, Sirius felt that electric jolt in the pit of his belly. "What are you going to do?" he asked with a smile on his lips.

His breath hitched in his throat as Remus glanced over his shoulder. He looked back at Sirius. "Brace yourself," he said. He adjusted his hands around Sirius before lifting him into the air and literally tossing him across the room. Sirius squeaked as he felt himself go weightless for a moment before he landed on their bed.

"Holy shit!" he cried as he looked around himself. Remus had quite literally thrown him across the room, and he'd landed with perfect precision in the middle of the bed. He looked back at Remus, who still stood in the doorway with a smirk on his face. Sirius shook his head. "Get your ass over here, now," he said, his eyes sparkling with delight.

Remus chuckled as he stepped into the room. Sirius got to his knees and crawled to the edge of the bed as Remus approached and immediately reached out to grab the waistband of his jeans, pulling him in close. He unbuckled Remus's pants and looked up at him as he slowly pulled the zipper down. Remus let out a low rumbling growl. He was already erect as Sirius pulled his pants down. Remus tugged his sweater over his head and tossed it aside as Sirius's hot mouth sucked him in. Remus let out that whine again, causing Sirius to moan happily as he took in as much of Remus as he could. Remus grabbed fistfuls of Sirius's hair as his head tipped back. "Fuck," he cried as Sirius's hand and mouth worked their magic on him.

Sirius swirled his tongue around the tip before he ran it along the underside of the shaft. Remus cried out again when Sirius lightly grazed his teeth along as he took Remus back into his mouth. Remus, unable to control himself, thrust into Sirius's mouth, eliciting a surprised sound from Sirius, who immediately adjusted himself to take it as Remus held his head in place. Remus's head tipped back again as Sirius's painted nails raked his back. Trembling, he buried himself deep in Sirius's throat and unleashed with a long moan. Sirius's throat convulsed around him as he swallowed. Remus pulled out, and Sirius gasped for air.

Sirius grinned up at him. "You're lucky I can take that," he said with a rough voice.

Remus let out a breathy chuckle before he leaned in to kiss Sirius deeply. "Sorry," he whispered. "Hard to stay in control."

"Mmm, no complaints on this end," Sirius replied with a smile. He glanced down at Remus's cock. "Ready for more, huh?" he asked.

Remus shyly chuckled. "It takes more than one when it's this close to the full moon," he confessed.

Sirius wiggled his eyebrows. "That's fun," he said with a grin. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside before he scooted back to take off his pants. Remus stepped out of his jeans and opened the nightstand drawer to get the potion out. Once he'd applied it and looked back at Sirius, he hesitated.

Sirius was on his hands and knees, facing away from him. Remus flashed back to that morning and the similar position they'd used. "Are you sure about this one?" he asked.

Sirius smirked at Remus over his shoulder. "Very," he promised. "Just keep your hands off my neck, and it's totally fine."

Remus nodded before he stepped into position. Slowly, he eased himself into Sirius's body, who gasped and moaned. Remus was larger than most of the men in Sirius's past. Larger than Sirius himself. Once Remus was fully sheathed inside of him, they both took a moment for Sirius to adjust. Remus pulled almost all the way out before he thrust back into Sirius with more force, causing him to cry out. "Good?" Remus asked.

Sirius nodded. "Uh-huh," he breathily replied.

Remus thrust into Sirius a few more times, closing his eyes and losing himself to the sound of Sirius's moans. "Harder!" Sirius cried out. Remus was happy to oblige, and Sirius cried out as Remus hit a deep spot within him that drove him crazy. Sirius reached up to start stroking himself, desperate for that climax denied to them that morning. He straightened up, and Remus supported him with an arm across his chest. Sirius tipped his head back, resting it on Remus's shoulder. Remus turned his head, panting, and nipped Sirius's ear before he kissed his neck. He brought his other arm up, hugging Sirius tightly, letting out that whimper once again. He gave one last, hard thrust, letting loose his load. He held on, burying his face in Sirius's hair, gasping with shaking breaths as his body trembled.

After a moment, he kissed the side of Sirius's head. "Lie down," he said with a rough voice, seeing that Sirius had been working on his own climax. He and Sirius carefully separated so that Sirius could do as he was told.

Remus grabbed his wand and grinned at Sirius. "Tie you up, right?" he asked. "That's what you said.

Sirius hadn't thought he could get harder, but it happened. He nodded. "Oh, fuck yes, please," he begged.

"What's your safe word?"

Sirius swallowed. "Uh… bananas," he said.

Remus nodded. He waved his wand, and ropes tied Sirius's wrists and feet to the posts on the bed. Sirius looked up at one of them and tried to pull his hand, testing them, and found that he couldn't move his arm at all. The knots were secure. That electric feeling hit him in the pit of his stomach again as Remus crawled over the top of him. He nuzzled Sirius's neck before he started kissing and biting, not hard enough to break the skin or cause harm, but hard enough that Sirius cried out. Remus growled in his ear, and Sirius thought he might just cum from the sound. Remus threaded his fingers into Sirius's hair from the base of the back of his neck. His touch was firm. He grabbed a handful of Sirius's hair and pulled his head back, exposing his neck. Sirius whimpered.

Remus kissed his way down Sirius's neck, stopping for a moment when he reached their symbol. He continued to kiss, lick, and bite his way down Sirius's body. Sirius's moans were the only sounds in the room. When he reached the constellation on Sirius's ribs, he gently kissed Sirius's star before moving further down his body.

When he reached Sirius's pelvis, he licked, kissed, and nipped around it. He breathed along the shaft, the hot air making Sirius cry out. "Please!" he begged.

Remus glanced up at him, his mouth just a centimeter away from Sirius's cock. "Please, what?" he asked, his lips brushing against it and causing Sirius to whimper again.

"Your mouth," Sirius begged. "Please. I need it."

Remus rewarded Sirius by taking him into his mouth, his nose coming to a stop at Sirius's pelvis. Sirius cried out and nearly came again. Remus reached up to massage Sirius's balls as he bobbed his head. Sirius felt himself tense.

"Close," he breathed. "Oh, fuck, Moony!" he gasped.

Remus pulled away and started kissing Sirius's hips again. "Oh, fuck," Sirius cried again. "Please, let me cum," he begged. "Please, Moony!"

Remus grinned and bit Sirius's hip, causing him to yelp and buck again. Then, Remus rewarded Sirius for asking for what he wanted by taking him back into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the tip before taking it into his throat as far as it could go. Remus growled again, and Sirius practically screamed as he finally got the delicious release he'd begged for.

Sirius felt like an overcooked noodle as Remus released the ropes and crawled up his body. He kissed Sirius's jaw and nuzzled his ear. "Wanna know the great part about being a werewolf?" he whispered in Sirius's ear.

Sirius made a sound. His words were not available.

Remus reached up and grabbed one of Sirius's hands before putting it on his still-hard cock. "I can keep going," he whispered. He nuzzled Sirius's ear again. "And I really want to."

Sirius blinked at the ceiling. "Can't move," he said. "Too tingly."

Remus chuckled in Sirius's ear, sending a shiver down his spine. "Two choices," he said. "I either take care of it myself, or you just lie on your side for me."

Sirius nodded. He mustered up enough strength to roll onto his side. "Me," he said. "Please."

Remus ran his hand down Sirius's back, sending another shiver through Sirius. "You're sure?" he asked. "I don't mind either way."

Sirius closed his eyes as Remus kissed the back of his neck between his shoulder blades. "I'm sure," he said.

Remus positioned himself behind Sirius, spooning him. He guided himself back inside and breathed a sigh of relief when he was surrounded once more in Sirius's warmth. "Fuck, you're tight," he whispered. Sirius moaned as Remus started moving in and out of him again. He reached back and dug his painted fingernails into Remus's hip. Remus grabbed his other hand and laced their fingers together. He buried his face in Sirius's hair, his breath ragged once more. Sirius moved his hips against Remus, their movements speeding up gradually.

Sirius lost himself to the sound of his moans, of Remus's breathy grunts, of the feeling of their joined hands, of Remus's firm, but gentle touch, of the sensations jolting through him with every thrust of their hips.

Until, finally, Remus buried himself deep inside and spilled over once more, a long moan escaping him.

Remus reached up and turned Sirius's face toward him. They kissed deeply, long and slow, hearts and breaths slowing down.

"See?" Sirius asked, his eyes drifting closed. "We've got this."

Remus held Sirius to him, letting out a slight chuckle. "Thank you," he said softly. 

Sirius patted Remus's arm. "Please tell me you're done?" he asked with a chuckle.

Remus nuzzled Sirius's neck. "I'm done," he promised. "For now." Sirius's stomach suddenly had butterflies. "Nap time," Remus said.

"Nap time," Sirius agreed. "I love you," he said.

"I love you," Remus whispered before he kissed Sirius one more time.

Notes:

The boys have had a rough morning. I'm so glad they've been able to talk it through and come back together. I decided to explore the effect of the full moon on Remus differently in this fic. I wanted him to essentially be stronger leading up to the full moon and then weaker afterward, and with it, his libido kind of skyrockets a bit. Lucky for him, Sirius doesn't mind. 😏

Chapter 14

Summary:

"Do you know that the first time I felt safe was the night I ran away from home?" Sirius asked after a long moment of silence. "Truly safe, not just temporarily."
"No, but I can't say I'm all that surprised," Remus replied. "That was an end to all the shit you dealt with from your parents."
"Did I ever tell you why I ran away?" Sirius asked. Instead of tracing the freckles on Remus's knee, he had started tracing a star and crescent moon.
Remus cleared his throat. "You said that you left because you got into it with Walburga. She told you to get out, so you did."

Notes:

Triggers for this chapter include: We have a traumatic nightmare! It was bound to happen sooner or later. There's also some vomiting. We also get to touch on some references to child abuse in this chapter, as well as a brief discussion on homophobia (love Walburga, really. 🙄). Loooooots of dealing with anxiety, panic, and the fallout from the nightmare. So, bit of a heavier one.

Sirius found himself walking back to his bedroom in his flat. His body trembled, his shallow breaths were like thunder in his ears. His heart raced. His palms were clammy. He knew, in the pit of his stomach, that something was desperately wrong. He wanted to leave. He wanted to run as far and as fast in the opposite direction as he could, but he felt compelled to take a step toward the door. He glanced at the bathroom mirror. It had been hit hard. There were spiderweb fractures flaring out from a central point of impact in the middle of the right side. Dozens of Siriuses were reflected back at him, all pale white, all with wide gray eyes and dilated pupils.

He looked back at the door, which seemed so far away now. The hallway felt like it stretched on forever, much deeper and distorted than he remembered. His knees shook as he took another step. He didn't want to go in there. Not again. But he felt compelled; he had no choice. Another shaky step. His heart hammered in his chest. He swallowed the lump in his throat. His eyes burned with tears. Another step.

It was going to take forever for him to reach the door like this, but he couldn't make himself go any faster. He heard a high, keening sound coming from somewhere. It took too long for him to realize the sound came from him. He reached for the wall to steady himself, a wave of nausea rolling over him and making his head spin. Another step.

The door was closer now. Why was it closed? Sirius never closed his bedroom door – there was no need to. He lived alone. He rarely had guests. The only time he closed it was when he didn't want to see what was on the other side, which only heightened his terror. The door was closed. The. Door. Was. Closed. Another step.

He was almost close enough to touch it. It had never taken him this many steps before. The bathroom door should have been right next to the bedroom door. He still had a few more steps to take. His lip started to sweat. Why was it so hot? His pulse beat so rapidly in his throat that he was almost certain he was about to –

Another step.

There was something on the other side of that door that he needed desperately. It was the only reason he'd push himself like this. Every instinct in him told him to run. To flee. His nerves tingled painfully. He could hear someone crying out in the distance. The neighbor? No, Sirius had enchanted the flat long ago to keep his sounds in and their sounds out. 

Another step.

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat. The bedroom door was now right in front of him. He reached out and grasped the handle, his hand shaking almost violently. His fingers wrapped around the incredibly cold knob. Why was it so cold when he was so hot that he was sweating profusely? He felt the tremors through his entire body.

His hand was so sweaty that, when he turned the knob, his hand slipped around it first. Sirius pulled his hand away and wiped it on his gray sweatpants. He froze as he looked down. These were the pants he had been wearing when Snape… 

He let out a painful gasp. Tears started to fall from his eyes. He looked back at the door. He begged whoever might be listening to not make him open the door. But there was something very important on the other side. Something he desperately needed. Something he couldn't live without.

He reached out for the knob again, fingers gripping it tightly. He turned the knob, whimpering as the door swung open in front of him with a loud creak.

A black miasma poured out of the room, thick and icy cold. The overwhelming scent of sulfur consumed him as the inky black cloud pooled around his bare feet, making them ache with the cold. Tendrils seemed to reach for him, almost as if to pull him into the room. Sirius felt the terror reach through his core as his knees nearly buckled. All he could hear was his heart pounding in his ears and those distant, far-off cries. He blinked away the tears and looked inside.

In the center of the room, bathed in a pillar of light, was a large gray wolf, curled up on the floor, whining at him because he couldn't break through the blackness. It watched him, helpless, as Sirius worked up the courage to enter the room. He had to reach the wolf. The wolf was the only thing that mattered. The only thing that could save him from this hell.

Sirius coughed as the sulfuric, icy, black miasma built up around him. 

He took a step forward.

In the room now, the weight of the miasma descended upon him, forcing the air out of his lungs. He collapsed on his wobbly knees and tried to draw in a breath. He couldn't make his lungs expand. He couldn't draw in the air he needed. He reached toward the wolf, but it was simply too far away. He tried to move, to crawl to the wolf, but his body protested the movement.

Searing hot pain coursed through him, as though his blood had turned to fire in his veins. His nerves screamed in pain, as he would have if he'd had air in his lungs to do so. The wolf shivered in fear. Sirius collapsed, his arms giving out on him. Somehow, he ended up on his back as the miasma coalesced above him and two pale hands descended to his throat. He stared into those empty, pitch black eyes and saw nothing else.

"Sirius?" he heard. He had no air to respond. No way to get a message through the hands on his neck. "Sirius?" the voice asked again, more urgent. He felt his eyes start to close.

"Sirius, wake up!" Remus begged.

Sirius gasped for air as he opened his eyes. He started coughing immediately, so hard that tiny pinpricks of light studded his vision. His lungs protested, his stomach churned. He rolled to the edge of the bed, coughing so hard he vomited onto the floor. The bile burned his throat and lungs, tasting acrid and smelling worse. He felt Remus pull his hair out of his face and hold it as he continued to wretch. Remus's cool hand rubbed circles on his back as his lungs heaved for air. "It's okay," Remus softly said. "Let it out."

Sirius started to sob as he finished emptying his stomach on the floor. He curled up into a fetal position on the edge of the bed. Remus gathered him into his arms, stroking his hair. The sound of his steady heartbeat was calming, but Sirius couldn't breathe past his sobs to let it help him. He knew what the dream had meant. Snape and his curse were an overwhelming presence in his mind. Until it was gone, until Remus and Lily were able to come up with a countercurse, he knew he wouldn't be able to fully process it.

"Breathe," Remus said, encouraging Sirius to calm down. He kissed Sirius's forehead. "I need you to breathe."

Sirius was shivering. Remus slowly rocked him, gently breathing in his ear so that Sirius could match him. Sirius felt like he couldn't catch his breath as he sobbed in his lover's arms. Remus wiped away Sirius's tears and cleaned up his face with a tissue.

"Okay, I need you to tell me five things you can see," Remus said.

Sirius looked wildly around. He named five things. Remus walked him through the rest of the steps, and by the end, he was able to breathe normally again, calmer than he was when he'd woken up from the nightmare. When he had finally calmed down, he looked over the edge of the bed at the puddle on the floor. "Oh, shit, I'm so sorry," he said, his voice rough. He felt tears burn in his eyes and nearly dissolved into sobs again. He blinked rapidly, fighting them.

Remus shook his head. "It's nothing," he said softly, assuring Sirius that he wasn't upset by the mess. Sirius tried not to let old memories of when it wasn't 'nothing' haunt him. Remus passed him a box of tissues before he reached for his wand to clear away the mess. Sirius used the tissues to blow his nose, dry his face, and wipe his mouth. Remus kissed his temple before he took the wadded-up tissues from him. "Stay here," he said before he got up and left the room.

Sirius stayed on the bed, watching Remus walk away. He didn't wonder for long what Remus was up to, because a moment later, he heard the faucet in the tub start running. Sirius ran his hands through his hair and shook it out before he drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. The occasional tear still fell from his haunted eyes. He rested his chin on his knees, remembering the chill from his dream. He shivered.

Remus returned while the water was running. He held his hand out to Sirius, who took it, and then guided him to the bathroom. Without a word, Remus helped Sirius into a bath filled with soothing-smelling bubbles. He recognized lavender and mint. He took a deep breath, letting the hot water and calming herbs relax him. He sat, his arms wrapped around his legs, as Remus dunked a cloth into the water and started rubbing his back with it.

Sirius blinked and looked at Remus, who was still naked from their earlier fun. "You need to get clean, too," he said. "Get in here."

Remus chuckled. "Tub's a little small for that," he said softly. "I'll take a shower when you're done."

"Then get your wand and fucking make it bigger," Sirius demanded, still shaking from the terror of the dream.

"Okay," Remus said with a nod. He leaned forward and kissed Sirius's forehead. "I'll be right back," he promised before he stood. True to his word, he was gone for only a moment, long enough to retrieve his wand, and when he returned, he made the tub large enough for the two of them. After he set his wand on the sink, he climbed into the tub, settling behind Sirius in the soothing water. He grabbed the washcloth once more and started bathing Sirius again.

Sirius slowly stopped shaking. His breathing became less erratic.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked after a couple of minutes.

Sirius shook his head. "Not really, but I think that might be part of the problem," he confessed.

Remus nodded, rubbing the cloth down Sirius's tattooed arm. "Was it when he tried to kill you?" he asked.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Yes and no," he said. He noticed his voice wasn't as rough anymore. "It was him, and it wasn't him, it was when he tried to kill me, but it was more than that…." He stared at the wall in front of him without seeing any of it. All he saw was the miasma condensing into Snape. He shivered again.

"How do you mean?" Remus asked, encouraging Sirius to talk about it.

Sirius sighed. He swallowed the lump in his throat. Was he ready to vocalize it? To share it? To make it real? He could still feel the biting cold of the black cloud. "There was this… oppressing miasma," he explained. "Oozing out of my room. So cold. But I could see you beyond it, and I knew I had to get to you because you were trapped behind it. And when I stepped into it–" Sirius's voice cracked. He swallowed and took a steadying breath. "When I stepped into it, it sucked the air out of my lungs. I collapsed, and I struggled against it, trying to get to you, but I couldn't even move. And then–" Sirius sucked in another breath. "And then the cloud, it turned into him, and he was choking me all over again. I couldn't… I couldn't breathe."

Remus nodded, still rubbing Sirius with the washcloth. "You weren't breathing," he said softly.

Sirius turned in the bath. His heart skipped a beat. He looked at Remus in shock. "What?" he gasped, his voice quivering with his fear.

Remus looked at him sadly. "You weren't breathing," he repeated. "You just… stopped. I heard you crying, that's what woke me, and when I realized you were having a nightmare, you just stopped breathing. I had to shake you pretty hard to get you to wake up."

Sirius turned his face away, hanging his head. The urge to cry hit him again. "I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling incredibly guilty for worrying Remus so much.

"It's not your fault," Remus replied. He set the washcloth aside and rested against the back of the tub, pulling Sirius with him. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, holding him tightly. "I know you start therapy on Tuesday, but if you want to talk about it, analyze it, whatever, just to get it out of your brain, I'm right here for you," he promised.

"Okay," Sirius whispered. He closed his eyes, letting the circle of Remus's body envelop him. He stared at Remus's knee, the scars ever present on his whole body, and splayed his hand over it. Remus was a healthy tan. Sirius was a pale, nearly translucent white. Remus had freckles on his knee, but Sirius couldn't think of a single moment he'd seen the werewolf wear shorts. Absently, he started tracing the freckles.

"Do you know that the first time I felt safe was the night I ran away from home?" Sirius asked after a long moment of silence. "Truly safe, not just temporarily."

"No, but I can't say I'm all that surprised," Remus replied. "That was an end to all the shit you dealt with from your parents."

"Did I ever tell you why I ran away?" Sirius asked. Instead of tracing the freckles on Remus's knee, he had started tracing a star and crescent moon.

Remus cleared his throat. "You said that you left because you got into it with Walburga. She told you to get out, so you did."

Sirius nodded. "I never told you what the argument was about, did I?" he asked, already knowing the answer. The September after Sirius had run away, they'd met up on the train as usual. James had announced that Sirius had lived with him all summer and would never have to deal with his cunt of a mother again. Remus and Peter had just accepted the information and never asked questions.

"No," Remus softly confirmed. "I was curious, I admit, but I didn't want to ask you. I know being there was traumatic enough for you anyway. I didn't want to bring it up. Not once you were free."

"Thank you for that, by the way," Sirius said. He put his hand over Remus's and laced their fingers together. He swallowed, his throat still raw from throwing up. "It was because I'm gay," he said after a moment. "She'd barged into my room while I was sketching. I don't even remember what she wanted, but I was a little too… awkward and obvious with trying to hide my sketchbook. She grabbed it, saw what I was drawing, and started screeching at me. Called me ever slur in the book. Told me I was a disgrace to my name…." Sirius closed his eyes, hearing his mother's voice in his head. He opened them to get her to go away. "I started packing a bag while she was going off on her tirade. I think she was actually too pissed to notice what I was doing. She kept screaming about how this is not what a Black should be. Said I was impure...." Sirius closed his eyes again, the image of the Black family crest immediately coming to mind with their motto, Toujours Pur – Always Pure. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "I called her an old hag, ripped my sketchbook out of her hands, and ran to the door. She was actually still screaming when I slammed it behind me. Walked all the way to the Leaky Cauldron without looking back. Originally, I figured I'd just get a room there, but I didn't have any money, so I had no way to pay for it. Took the Floo up to Godric's Hollow and knocked on James's door. It was nearly midnight. He brought me in, threw some blankets and pillows at me, and I slept on the floor in his room that night. Next morning, Mum had a plate of breakfast for me. I'm not sure if they heard me arrive, or if they poked their heads in that morning and saw me on the floor, but they just accepted that they were my family from that point forward. Cleaned out the spare room and put me in it. No questions…."

"They were good people," Remus said with a rough voice. Sirius guided his hand up to his mouth and kissed his palm before bringing it down to his heart. Remus's thumb immediately started stroking his chest. "Miss them," he added.

Sirius nodded. "Me too," he agreed. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Wanna know what I was drawing?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"You," Sirius replied, his voice barely more than a whisper. "Your face, more specifically. There was so much detail that Walburga instantly recognized that I was drawing something I'd spent far too much time looking at. She'd seen a drawing or two of James, but never that kind of detail."

"Do you still have it?" Remus asked.

Sirius sighed. "I think that sketchbook is either still at my flat or still in my old trunk at James's. I don't have it here, though."

Remus kissed the back of Sirius's head. "I'd love to see it if you do," he said. "I love watching you draw."

"It can't be that interesting," Sirius said, feeling the heat in his cheeks.

Remus chuckled. He kissed Sirius's head again. "You've never seen it," he replied. "Your face gets soft, relaxed…. Your eyes are just so focused on the paper. You have this look on your face that's so… pure," he said softly, the last word almost a revelation.

Notes:

Okay, can I just say how much I love Sirius in this one when he looks at Remus and demands that he make the tub bigger just so they can sit in it together? I just love how they take care of each other. 💜

Chapter 15

Summary:

"Are you up for talking to Reggie right now?" he asked.
Sirius gave a half-hearted shrug. "He's my brother," he said. "He needs me. Doesn't matter how I feel."
Remus frowned. "Yes, it does," he said. "You have to take care of yourself first."
Sirius gave a slight shake of his head. "I'm fine," he said.

Notes:

Triggers for this chapter include: Well, let's just put out there that the brothers are going to be talking about some shit. They're discussing the Prank, touching on things Reggie did as a Death Eater (and the guilt he feels about it), discussing the morning's events between Wolfstar that have led to their not-so-very-good day thus far. This is a dialogue-heavy chapter again. There's nothing explicit, though, and the most graphic it gets is when Sirius recounts when he talks about what happened between him and Remus that morning.

Out of the bath and dressed, Remus kissed Sirius on the cheek and told him to go relax while he finished cleaning up their bedroom, which was really just making the bed and putting their clothes in the basket. Sirius, who, prior to Snape's interference in his life, was actually a bit of a neat-freak, started picking up the clothes from the floor while Remus made the bed.

"That's not relaxing," Remus said softly.

"I need to do something," Sirius replied. He dropped the clothes in the basket and moved to start helping Remus with the bed.

Remus stopped and tilted his head. "Someone's here," he said. He looked thoughtful. "Two people, actually."

Sirius stared at him in amazement. "You can hear that?" he asked just before they heard a knock at the door.

Remus smiled at him. "Go answer the door. I'll be down in a moment," he promised.

Sirius nodded and left the room. He made his way down the stairs. Looking through the window, he noticed it was almost dusk. They'd slept longer than Sirius realized. There was another knock as his foot touched the floor. Sirius sighed as he walked to the front door to answer it.

James and Regulus stood on the porch. Regulus's face was stony, his hair pulled up in a bun at the back of his head to keep it out of his face. Sirius noticed that he was still as meticulous with his appearance as ever, as his long-sleeved, black t-shirt had been pressed and his slacks had a perfect crease.

James, on the other hand, was his usual messy, lackadaisical self. His red t-shirt was somewhat wrinkled in a way that Sirius could tell it had been folded for a while and was only half-tucked into his jeans on one side. His hair was its usual untamable mess. He pushed his glasses up his nose.

"What's up?" Sirius asked as he let them into the house.

James walked over to the brown couch and flopped down onto it. Regulus stepped in and stood next to the door as Sirius closed it. He looked around for a moment, taking in the humble home, before his eyes settled on Sirius again. "I need to speak with you," he said. "Alone."

"Sure," Sirius replied, suddenly grateful for the distraction. "Just one second, okay?" he asked. Regulus nodded. Sirius made his way back upstairs to the bedroom.

Remus looked up as Sirius walked. "Did I hear Regulus?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Pretty sure he forced James to bring him over," he said with a chuckle. Remus smiled. "He says he needs to talk to me alone. I figured I'd bring him up here?"

Remus nodded. "I have no issues with it," he said. "It's Regulus. He's your brother." He frowned. "I might have a problem if it were James, just because he's not biologically related to you and I'm a bit territorial right now," he said.

Sirius laughed. "James is still my brother and I would absolutely never," he promised. He pulled Remus in close. He reached up and held Remus's face in his hands as the werewolf's arms wrapped around his waist. "You are the first and only person who stole my heart and the last one that will ever grace my bed," he promised before he pulled Remus in for a kiss. Remus hungrily kissed him back. After a moment, they pulled away from each other. Remus's eyes were a dark golden, and Sirius gave him one more light kiss.

Remus reached up and ran his hand through Sirius's hair. "Are you up for talking to Reggie right now?" he asked.

Sirius gave a half-hearted shrug. "He's my brother," he said. "He needs me. Doesn't matter how I feel."

Remus frowned. "Yes, it does," he said. "You have to take care of yourself first."

Sirius gave a slight shake of his head. "I'm fine," he said. They both knew he was lying, but Remus didn't press the issue. Instead, he sighed and kissed Sirius's forehead.

Remus held Sirius's head in his hands. He met Sirius's pale gray eyes and held them. "I love you," he said. "Always."

Sirius smiled, feeling tears burn in his eyes. "I love you," he said, his voice quivering slightly. "Always," he whispered.

They kissed one more time before Remus pulled away and started to leave the room. Sirius sat down on their bed. A moment later, Regulus stepped into the room. Sirius gestured for him to sit. Regulus pointed to the door, silently asking if he should close it. Sirius nodded, so Regulus shut the door before he sat on the bed next to Sirius. He looked around, taking in the woods and the greens that made up the colors of the room. Sirius reached for the ashtray on one of the nightstands and set it between them before he pulled out a couple of cigarettes. He handed one to Regulus and lit the second for himself. "So, what's up?" he asked as he handed Regulus his lighter. "You seem upset."

Regulus studied Sirius as he lit his cigarette. "Not more than you are," he said. "And definitely not for any decent reason, given the look on your face."

Sirius shook his head. "No, we're talking about your problems, not mine," he said.

Regulus stayed quiet, watching his brother. "You look like you did when Uncle Alphie died," he observed. "I can wait. What's wrong?"

Sirius shook his head again, closing his eyes for a moment. "I've just had a very long, very shit day," he explained. He pointed to his head. "Not all right upstairs, so I just deal with it. Starting therapy soon," he explained. Regulus's eyes widened with surprise. "I've been trauma dumping on Remus all day. You didn't come here for me to unload my problems on you."

Regulus sighed. "True," he agreed. "I came to unload mine on you, but I'm going to hold onto them for a bit. I made James bring me here because I didn't know where you were."

"Why didn't you just use the mirror?" Sirius asked with a chuckle.

"Oh, I did," Regulus replied. "You didn't answer."

Sirius nodded. "Right," he sighed. "That was probably when I was in the bath.

Regulus shrugged. "I was just going to ask to talk to you in person anyway," he said. "Mostly about Potter."

Sirius noticed how his brother switched names when referring to James. He took a drag of his cigarette before tapping the ashes off into the ashtray. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

Regulus sighed, letting his brother win. "I mean, I guess?" he replied. He took a drag from his cigarette and exhaled. "Okay, so you said the whole family was just stupidly nice, right?" he asked. Sirius nodded. Regulus frowned. "Did he bring you…" He sighed again, frustrated with trying to find the right words. "Okay, so you know how he makes breakfast every day, right?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "His favorite place is the kitchen," he said. "Always has been. He loves cooking and baking."

"Right," Regulus agreed. "Noticed that. I swear he's trying to make me fat with everything he bakes."

Sirius laughed. "Both he and his mum did that to me, too," he said. "But that's not what you're upset about."

Regulus shook his head. "No, honestly, I could stand to gain a couple of pounds," he said with a chuckle. He looked at Sirius, really looked at him. "So could you," he said. "Are you eating?"

Sirius nodded. "I am," he promised. "Remus makes sure of it."

"Remind me to thank him," Regulus said. Sirius smiled. Regulus shook his head. "Anyway, back on track, when I first started staying there, it was just breakfast. Nothing else." He took a drag from his cigarette. "Now, it's like… always my favorite foods. Fresh. Like, he's got to be either not sleeping, getting up stupidly early, or he's using magic to make things go faster, because I'm talking like fresh bread, homemade, and always a whole spread. Today, he even made marmalade. Who fucking does that?" he asked, taking another drag. He knocked the ashes into the ashtray. "And, on top of that, there's always a fresh flower in a vase on the kitchen table, and he asks me if I like it."

"Do you?" Sirius asked.

"Well, it is pretty," Regulus said, his cheeks turning pink. "Today it was a lilac bundle," he said. "The really purple ones."

Sirius and Regulus had been required by their parents at a young age to learn about what different flowers represented. Walburga had insisted that they know because she didn't want them to give the wrong impression if they ever sent flowers to anyone. She also required them to have the knowledge because flowers were a way to send secret messages to people, so long as they also understood them. Purple lilacs, Sirius recalled, represented first love, passion, youthful innocence, confidence, and renewed happiness.

"Sounds nice," Sirius said, flicking his ashes into the ashtray. 

Regulus nodded. He also tapped his ashes off before taking another drag from his cigarette. "It is," he said with a soft smile playing at his lips. He frowned again. "It's just… does he know what it means?" he asked, staring back at Sirius, desperate for an answer. "Is he putting it there because it's pretty or is he putting it there because he's trying to tell me something?" he asked.

Sirius sighed. "He knows that we know what it means," he explained. "I've told him so much of what we went through as children that he could have almost been in that house with us." Regulus stared in surprise. "You'd have to ask him to know for certain, but I'd say it's highly likely that he both knows what it means and knows you know what it means. His father had the same books in his library about flowers that Walburga forced us to read."

Regulus shook his head. "I'm not asking him," he said, sounding almost afraid. He sighed. "It's not just the lilacs, though. It's that he's cooking my favorite foods for almost every meal and going out of his way to make them from scratch. Like… how does he even know what my favorites are?" he asked.

Sirius let out a soft chuckle. "He really likes you," he said, taking a drag from his cigarette. Regulus's mouth dropped open. "He's paying attention to what you respond to."

"What the fuck do you mean he likes me?" Regulus hissed, his eyes wide. Sirius raised his pierced eyebrow and just stared at his brother without responding. Regulus gulped. "Oh," he whispered. He snuffed out his cigarette and covered his face with his hands. Sirius could see his ears turning pink. Regulus lowered his hands after a moment, his composure regained. "For how long?" he asked.

"At least last week," Sirius replied. "He asked me if I thought he had had a shot with you."

Regulus gaped at his brother. "What did you say?" he demanded, his voice low and dangerous. 

Sirius chuckled. "Relax," he said. "I told him that if he wanted a shot, he was going to have to build a solid foundation with you first. I'm sure that's what he's trying to do. He's letting you know that he knows what you like and he's willing to put the effort into making you happy without actually telling you that. He's putting the metaphorical quaffle in your court. If you don't like him, don't like what he's doing, and you want him to stop, then you need to make that clear to him."

Regulus frowned. "I don't want him to stop," he confessed. He met Sirius's eyes, looking confused and worried. "Why?" he asked. "Why don't I want him to stop?"

Sirius smirked. "Because you like him too," he said simply.

Regulus shook his head frantically. "No, I don't like anyone," he protested. "Not like that! I never have!"

"Do you get butterflies when he smiles at you?" Sirius asked. "Look forward to moments where you get to interact with him? Find yourself staring at him?" Regulus's face softened as he started to reflect on the moments Sirius asked him about. "And," Sirius continued, "you already know that you'd hate it if he stopped doing all the things he's doing for you."

Regulus looked at Sirius with tears in his eyes. "What do I do?" he whispered. "I've literally never done this before. I've never liked anyone. I've actively stayed away from this shit." He blinked back the tears. "Why–" his voice cracked. "Why would he even like me anyway?" he asked. "I'm so fucking… pedantic."

Sirius laughed. "That's one word for it," he said.

"Fuck you," Regulus snapped.

Sirius smirked before he took a final drag from his cigarette and snuffed it out. "Clearly, he's fallen for your charming personality," he said.

Regulus glared at him. "Can you not make a joke at my expense right now?" he asked.

Sirius nodded, his face sobering. "You're right, I'm sorry," he said. "But, to the point, just because you actively avoid making connections with people doesn't mean that they can't or won't develop anyway. You two live together now, for as long as it takes to end this war at the minimum. After that, he'll probably tell you that you're free to stay with him or go back home. Your choice. Right now, you're going to connect. There's not anyone else there to be a buffer, which actually helped you in the past because you probably weren't alone with anyone the way you are with him." Regulus nodded. All you have to do is ask yourself if you'd be upset if he stopped doing any of the things he's currently doing for you. If your answer is yes, then you likely also have feelings for him, and I encourage you to act on that."

Regulus frowned again. "This is so stupid," he said, shaking his head. "Relationships make people so stupid."

Sirius chuckled. "Yeah, but they also make you brave," he said.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Regulus asked.

Sirius sighed. "They make you vulnerable," he said softly, thinking of those moments with Remus where they bared their souls to each other, sharing things that they'd never shared with anyone else. "They force you to open yourself up to other people. They make you really look at stuff and show you what's really important to you. When you love another person like that… it changes how you look at yourself and the world around you. Gives you a new perspective."

Another frown, but Sirius could see that Regulus was almost more contemplative this time. "Why would you want to be vulnerable?" he asked. He looked up and met Sirius's eyes. "Especially you," he added. "You've been through so much! Hurt so badly! Why the fuck would you want to open yourself up to that again?"

Sirius cleared his throat. He grabbed another cigarette from his pack and offered one to Regulus as well. Regulus took it. Once their cigarettes were lit, Sirius exhaled before he answered. "Because… in opening up like that, you also get to see a unique side of the person you're with," he said softly. "You see a side of each other that no one else sees. It's intimate, and far more than in that get-naked-together kind of way."

"Example?" Regulus asked.

Sirius sighed, wondering how much detail he was comfortable sharing. "I had a panic attack this morning," he said softly. Regulus's face softened. "Remus and I were…" Sirius sighed again. "We were having sex," he said, deciding that saying it bluntly was better than trying to find pretty euphemisms for it. "Remus's hand went around my neck, and my brain could not distinguish between what he was doing and what Snape did to me," he said softly. He took another drag from his cigarette. "Stopped everything cold just as it was getting really good," he continued with a bitter chuckle. "Remus immediately pulled his hand away from my neck, but it was too late. I was gone. A caring partner is never going to push you further than you can handle, and he didn't. Later, we discussed what happened, why, and we now know that I can't handle anyone's hand on my neck. I learned a few things about Remus that I know he doesn't want anyone else in the world to know." Sirius took another drag. "A few hours later, we were able to finish what we started and took a nap after. I had a nightmare, apparently stopped breathing in my sleep, and he made sure I woke up." Sirius gestured to the spot where he'd thrown up. "I puked my guts up on the floor," he confessed. "Remus just held my hair back and did his best to comfort me. He cleaned up the mess, told me it wasn't a big deal, and drew me a bath to help me calm down."

"Then what?" Regulus asked, his eyes wide.

Sirius chuckled. "Then you and James showed up," he said. 

"You really have had a shit day," Regulus said. He took a drag from his cigarette before he knocked the ashes into the tray and then stood. "Up," he said.

Curious, Sirius stood. Once on his feet, Regulus hugged him. It was the first time Sirius could think of that Regulus had hugged him, instead of the other way around. Sirius wrapped his arms around his little brother, feeling himself relax a little. He let go before he wanted to, knowing that Regulus likely wouldn't want the hug to go on for too long.

Regulus also let go, and they sat back down. "I'm sorry that you had to deal with all that," he said. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that you've been through. In some ways, I'm glad you're my brother, but I wish you'd had different parents. Ones that treated you better."

Sirius smiled at his brother before he took another hit from his cigarette. "I wish we both had better parents," he said. "They may not have been as cruel to you as they were to me, being that you were their golden child, but they weren't good to you either."

"Oh, I'm quite aware of that," he agreed. He let out a chuckle. "Did you know that your parents teaching you dark magic before you even go to Hogwarts isn't normal?" he asked.

Sirius laughed. "I figured that out very quickly," he said.

Regulus stared at the tip of his cigarette for a moment. "You ever use any of it?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "No," he said softly. "You?" he asked.

Regulus sighed. "I was a Death Eater," he said softly. "And a very good one until I suddenly grew a heart." He went silent for a moment before he tapped the ashes off his cigarette and took another hit from it. He exhaled the smoke. "I don't even know how to start making up for the shit I've done," he said softly.

"You already have," Sirius said softly. Regulus closed his eyes. "You saw the cruelty, and you recognized it for what it was. You came to us with the information about the Horcruxes so that we can help find and destroy them. Those are already the first steps to atonement, Reggie. You just need to keep doing what you're doing."

Regulus shook his head. "It's not enough," he whispered. He looked up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly. Tears fell from his eyes as he looked back at Sirius. "I killed people," he whispered. 

Sirius had to admit that he wasn't surprised by the admission. Death Eaters weren't exactly known for being nice, after all. "But think of how many more lives are being saved because you chose to tell us his secret," he replied. "We have an actual shot at winning this war now because we have the knowledge that you gave us."

Regulus bowed his head. "I belong in Azkaban," he whispered. 

Sirius inwardly sighed. "Answer something for me," he said. Regulus looked back at him. "Do you miss it?" he asked. Regulus shook his head. "Do you want to go back out there and start killing more innocents?" Regulus shook his head again. "Do you feel guilty?" Regulus nodded. Sirius shook his head. "Then you don't deserve to go to Azkaban," he said.

"But don't I need to pay for what I've done?" Regulus asked.

"Aren't you already?" Sirius replied.

Regulus nodded.

"Then keep doing what you're doing and eventually, you'll be able to wake up with a smile and cast a patronus."

Regulus gave him a sad smile. "I doubt it," he said softly.

Sirius shrugged. "Never know," he said. "I can cast one."

Regulus blinked at him. "You?" he asked. "With all the shit in your life, you can cast one?"

Sirius nodded. "Yep. And I was almost you."

Regulus blinked at him. "How so?" he asked.

"Sorting Hat wanted me in Slytherin," Sirius confessed. Regulus gaped at him. "But, you know me," he said with a chuckle. "I just had to prove to myself that I wasn't a product of their creation. Needed to prove that I could be my own person."

"Wait, you were almost in Slytherin?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Would have been too, had I not begged it not to put me there," he explained. "I told it that I couldn't be like our parents. I said that I needed to not be in Slytherin. It considered me for Ravenclaw for a bit, but then it ultimately decided to put me in Gryffindor. And, let me tell you, that first month?" Regulus nodded. "I was a fucking wreck. I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like the Hat made a mistake. I felt like I was going to be exposed as a 'fake' Gryffindor. I was absolutely certain McGonagal was going to come get me and tell me that it was wrong and I really did belong in Slytherin."

"And then what?" Regulus asked. "What changed?"

"James and Remus," Sirius said softly, a smile tugging at his lips. "James decided that we were all going to be friends, whether we wanted to or not. And Remus? He was just the most interesting person I'd ever met. Those scars on his face?" he asked. Regulus nodded. "He already had those. And you just know I had all these wild ideas for how he'd gotten them before I figured out the truth."

Regulus chuckled. "What did he tell you guys happened?" he asked.

"Bear attack," Sirius said with a laugh. "I can't say for sure about James and Pettigrew, but I for sure didn't believe him one bit. Bears? Really?" He let out a laugh. "Didn't matter that I didn't believe him, though, I thought he was the absolute coolest person in the world for even attempting to pull that one on us. Then we started to notice how he'd get sick every month. Took me a bit to piece it together, but I started noticing how it was only on the full moon, you know?" he asked. Regulus nodded. Sirius took a final hit from his cigarette before he snuffed it out. "In retrospect, I should have taken him aside and talked to him about it first, but in my infinite wisdom, I went to James first, told him what I'd figured out, and then, with Pettigrew in the room even, we confronted him. He nearly shit himself," Sirius said softly. "Offered to do our work for us, promised us everything he had, begged us not to tell anyone because if they knew, he'd get kicked out of school. Didn't believe us when we told him we thought it was the coolest thing in the world."

Regulus shook his head as he took a final drag from his cigarette and put it out. "I wish I had cool stories from Hogwarts," he said. He drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. "Most interesting thing that happened in our class was when Barty turned McCormick into a ferret."

Sirius laughed. "I heard about that," he said. "Always wanted to ask if it really happened."

Regulus nodded. "It did," he said softly. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, Snape, one day, came in ranting about Remus being a werewolf," he said thoughtfully. "Said you'd tried to kill him. What was that about?"

Sirius sighed. "That," he said, hanging his head. He sighed and met Regulus's eyes again. "Remember when I said that I'm sure he did what he did to me out of revenge?" he asked. Regulus nodded. Sirius reached for his cigarettes again, even though he'd just put one out. He hesitated for a moment before he pulled one out and lit it. He set the pack down between them so Regulus could grab one if he wanted it. He lit the cigarette, took a long drag from it, and blew the smoke out. "I… yeah, I tried to kill him, and I used Remus to do it," he said softly. Regulus's eyes widened as he lit his own cigarette. "I mean, in my head, at the time, it wasn't me trying to kill him," he said softly. He shook his head slightly. "Not that it makes it any better." He hesitated again. "I thought I was just pulling a prank," he softly continued, staring at his hands. "He was my typical punchline, so I pulled it on him. Hated him enough, that's for certain. Wouldn't have shed any tears over him, not even back then. But what it would have done to Remus if things had played out the way they could have?" Sirius asked. Tears burned in his eyes. He nodded. "Oh, I would have been destroyed…. I figured that we'd been running around with him for years, so he had to be safe, right?" he asked. He shook his head again, then took a drag from his cigarette and tapped the ashes off into the ashtray. "I was so fucking stupid," he whispered. "And so fucking wrong. Basically, I told Snape that if he wanted to see something he wasn't supposed to know about, he should get past the Whomping Willow and into the secret passageway there." Regulus looked confused. "To the Shrieking Shack," Sirius explained. He sighed again. "I knew Snape'd take the bait. Usually did when I told him shit like that. Laughed my ass off when I told James what I'd done, who, thankfully, had a better head on his shoulders than I did at that moment. He went running out there, saved Snape in the nick of time. Remus didn't even look at me for a month after he found out what I did."

"Fuck," Regulus whispered.

Sirius nodded. He took a drag from his cigarette. "Yeah," he whispered.

"What happened after?"

Sirius cleared his throat and reached over to knock the ashes from his cigarette into the ashtray. "Booted from the Quidditch team for starters. Detention for the rest of the year," he said, taking another drag. He blew it out before he continued. "I had to watch these films about werewolf attacks, transformations, and learn about what could have happened to Remus, had James not intervened." Sirius closed his eyes to the memories of the films where he'd watched werewolves violently attack people. "Not pretty stuff," he said softly.

"And, knowing what he can do, you're still with him?" Regulus asked. "Knowing how dangerous it can be?"

Sirius nodded. "Fuck yes," he said with a smile. "There's something kinda sexy about being with someone who can rip you apart with his bare hands but chooses not to."

Regulus shook his head. "Pass," he said with a chuckle. Sirius grinned. Regulus took a drag from his cigarette before he tapped it on the edge of the ashtray. "You really think James likes me?" he asked. "He's not just pulling your leg?"

"I do."

"How do I…" Regulus frowned. "I don't know what to do," he said. "For any of it. I don't know how to let him know I like him. I don't know how to kiss. I really don't know how to do the rest of it."

Sirius thought for a moment before he spoke. "Most of it is instinct," he said. "But for the bits that aren't, let him teach you. I mean, I obviously can't teach you how to kiss or do any of the other stuff. That's crossing a line I'm not even going to consider." Regulus chuckled. "You don't really learn how to do any of it until you actually start doing it."

"Yeah, we're not those kinds of brothers," Regulus agreed.

"Thank fuck for that," Sirius replied before they both laughed. "As far as the rest of it goes, do what you like," he said. "You like that he's making your favorite foods and putting flowers on the table, right?" Regulus nodded. "Start doing things like that for him. Everyone expresses their feelings differently. You're very direct, so maybe just tell him what you want from him."

Regulus's eyes were wide as he stared at Sirius. "I-I–" He shook his head. "No," he said. He looked at Sirius pleadingly. "Can you tell him?" he asked.

"I'm not going to be the mediary for your relationship," Sirius said. "I can tell him that you're interested and inexperienced, but after that, it's going to be up to the two of you to figure this shit out."

Regulus chewed his bottom lip. "Okay," he said, still looking worried.

"And, Reggie?" Sirius asked. Regulus met his eyes. "Be honest with him," he said. "James is a good person, and I know he'll treat you right, but if you're not honest with him, and yourself, it's going to end up getting you both hurt. And I've already told him that if he hurts you, I'll kill him." Regulus let out a small laugh. "He's pretty much my brother too, you know?" he asked. "His parents adopted me. Took me in. Gave me a safe place to be. Gave me a family. Don't hurt him, okay?" he asked. "He's… well, he's kind of precious. Too good for this fucking world."

Regulus sighed and looked down at his hands. He tapped the ashes of his cigarette off before he took another drag. "Yeah, I know," he agreed. "That's why I'm worried. What if I'm too dark?" he asked, meeting Sirius's eyes with sadness in his own.

Sirius shook his head. "He's dealt with me most of his life," he said. "He's not afraid of the dark. Knows how to turn a light on. You'll be fine."

Regulus smiled. "Thanks," he said.

"Still want me to tell him?" Sirius asked.

Regulus nodded. "Yeah, I need that push," he said. "You tell him, and it'll be in the open, and maybe I'll be brave."

Sirius nodded. "Right now?" he asked.

Regulus blanched. "Um…" he said, looking ready to panic.

"Relax," Sirius said. "Breathe." Regulus took a deep breath in. "And out." Regulus let the air out of his lungs. "In," Regulus did. Sirius repeated himself a few times, reminding Regulus to just keep breathing, until he came back from the ledge. He blinked and looked at Sirius again, a questioning look on his face. "I know what that feels like," Sirius said softly.

"Right," Regulus muttered. "You said." He sighed. "Yeah, can you tell him now?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Go get him for me," he said.

Notes:

So, yeah, hi. I love Reggie in this chapter. He's so me. That wide-eyed "what the fuck do you mean they like me????" moment? Yeah. That's me. Hi, I'm on the ace spectrum too! We get the conversation with James in the next chapter. Also, poor Reggie. He feels so guilty about what he's done as a Death Eater. Love that Sirius is just like, "Nope, we're not doing that. I deal with enough guilt from Remus, I'm not doing this with you, too." lol He's being such a good brother. I love it when they're good brothers to each other. Reggie just... needs him.

Chapter 16

Summary:

"I've seen the darkness in you," he said. "Been through some major shit with you. Been there when you absolutely raged. When you lost it, and you cried. Cleaned up after the messes your parents created. And… I'm alright with it," he said. "I know how dark Black can be," James said, his gaze unwavering from Sirius's. "I know how to turn on the lights."

Notes:

So, this is another very dialogue-intensive chapter. It's a continuation of the previous one, this time Sirius talking to James, so it's largely a repeat of the same themes of the previous chapter. Nothing too serious is touched on in this chapter, and it's a bit of a shorter one; sorry about that.

James knocked on the open door to Sirius and Remus's bedroom. Sirius looked up from snuffing out his cigarette and smiled. "Reg said you wanted to talk to me?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Close the door," he said.

James stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. He crossed the room and joined Sirius on the bed. For a moment, he looked around the room before he made a face. "I'm realizing right now that you two have had sex in here," he said.

Sirius laughed. "Today, in fact. Twice."

"Ew," James whispered, looking as if he were second-guessing his decision to sit down on the bed. He looked around again. "I've never actually been in here before," he said.

"Really?" Sirius asked. He'd been in the room plenty of times before he'd moved in.

James nodded. "You were always the one helping him up to bed and staying with him after full moons," James reminded. "I always went home. Green makes sense for him," he said. "Very foresty."

Sirius chuckled. "That’s why I picked it for him," he said, looking around. The walls were the same wood in the bedroom as they were in the rest of the cabin. Pine? Sirius wasn't sure. The curtains and duvet were both a deep, forest green. The dresser on the wall opposite the bed, next to the door, was made from a similar wood. Rustic. The bed frame and the nightstands were of a similar style, though nothing actually matched. The lamps had green shades as well. Sirius definitely remembered picking those out. There was a white faux fur rug on the floor. Sirius remembered watching Remus run his hand along it and then insist that it was too expensive, so he'd bought it anyway. He nodded. "Yeah, I decorated this room."

James chuckled. "It makes sense that you'd decorate in here even before you were together," he said.

Sirius grinned. "I couldn't let him just have a mattress on the floor," he said. "Wanted him to feel like he had an actual fucking home for once."

"You've always been adamant about looking after him," he said. "You hardly let me do anything."

"And yet you took all the credit, you bitch," Sirius said, glaring at James but unable to hide his smile.

"I didn't want to!" James protested. "You were the one who didn't want him to know it was mostly you!"

Sirius grinned. "True," he agreed. He sighed. "Still don't, really," he said softly. "I think he's afraid of how much gold is shoved into my vault."

"Are you surprised?" James asked. "He grew up hardly able to afford socks, let alone his books."

Sirius shook his head. "No, I'm not surprised," he admitted. "He asked me how much I have." James's eyebrows rose. Sirius shook his head. "He was uncomfortable even asking, but I was telling him that I'd drain every galleon if I had to just to make sure he was taken care of. Didn't even have the heart to tell him the exact number."

"He'd shit himself."

Sirius laughed. "No doubt," he agreed. He sighed. "Anyway, that's obviously not what I wanted to talk to you about," he said. "Reggie asked me to speak with you."

James's face fell. "Oh no," he said. "It was the lilacs, wasn't it?" he asked. He groaned. "How badly did I fuck up?" he asked as he flopped backward on the bed. He covered his face with his hands, sliding them under his glasses. He groaned again.

"Relax," Sirius said, patting James's thigh. "You're not in trouble, and you didn't fuck up."

James propped himself up on his elbows. "Really?" he asked, fixing his glasses. "You're sure?"

Sirius nodded. "And yes, it was the lilacs," he said. James sighed as he let his head fall back.

"I fucking knew it," he said, picking his head back up. He sat fully and turned, tucking one leg up under him. "His whole face changed when he saw it on the table. He stared at it for like five whole minutes before he looked at me. He didn't say anything about it, but I could tell. Then, after breakfast, he went up to your old room, shut the door, and didn't come back out until he demanded that I bring him here to talk to you."

Sirius nodded. "Figured as much," he said. He put the ashtray back on the nightstand next to him before he stretched out his leg across the bed. "He wants me to make sure you know a couple of things, and I want to make it clear that I'm doing this one time," he said, holding up his finger for emphasis. "After this, you two are on your own."

James sighed. "Okay," he slowly said.

"So, I'm just going to come out and say it," Sirius began. James nodded. "Reggie has no experience." James blinked. "He's never even had his first kiss."

"Wait, what?" James asked. "Guy like him?"

Sirius nodded. "He's literally never been interested in anyone before," he explained. "Never even wanted to be. But he does like what you're doing. When I asked him if he wanted you to stop, he said no."

A smile spread across James's face. "Really?" he asked. "He likes me?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, he just doesn't know how to deal with it, and he's scared because he doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't have the experience to go for it, so you're going to have to be the one who makes things happen."

James's grin grew wide. "He likes me," he said softly, looking off into the distance. He chuckled before his hazel eyes snapped back at Sirius's again. "What do I do?" he asked. "I don't want to scare him off."

"Go slow," Sirius recommended. "Let him pump the brakes when he needs to. Take your time. Teach him."

James nodded, that far-off look on his face again. "Okay," he said softly. "I can do that." After a moment, he looked at Sirius again, his eyes wide once more. "Is it weird?" he asked. "It's weird, isn't it? I'm not attracted to you, but I'm attracted to your brother, and he looks a lot like you, but I could never jump in the sack with you, but I want to with him. It's weird, right?" he asked, uncertainty written in his features.

Sirius laughed. "It's not weird unless you make it weird," he said. "And I'm going to choose to ignore that remark about you not wanting my ass, but only because I don't think you can compare to Remus."

"Oh, fuck you, I'm great in the sack, and you'll just have to live with knowing you can't have me."

Sirius laughed. "I don't want you," he said.

James laughed as well. "Thank fuck for that," he agreed.

Sirius suddenly donned a look of horror. "Please, for the love of all things holy and unholy, do not tell me what my brother is like in the sack if you do manage to get him there," he begged.

James burst out with more laughed. "Oh, I will," he promised.

"I swear to Merlin, if you do, I'm going to go into excruciating detail about that time I accidentally walked in on your parents."

James waved him off. "Seen that," he said.

"Then I will tell you everything you don't want to know about Snape's dick," Sirius threatened.

James stared at him with a horrified look on his face. "Why would you even joke about that?" he asked.

Sirius grinned. "Two reasons," he said. "One: Dark humor is how I cope. Two: To make sure you understand how serious I am."

"I know you're Sirius, you've always been Sirius," James said before they both laughed again. "But please, for the love of Merlin, do not tell me anything about Snape's… body."

Sirius smiled. "Then don't tell me about my brother in the sack," he said.

James nodded. "Alright, deal," he promised. He hesitated. "Be honest with me," he said. Sirius raised his eyebrows in question. "Is he as bad a diva as you are?"

Sirius laughed again. "We're brothers, of course he is," he said. "You think I spend a lot of time on my hair?" he asked. James nodded. "He takes longer to get ready than I do because he overthinks what kind of message his clothes will send."

James's eyes widened again. "Right. I'm telling him that we need to be somewhere an hour before we actually need to be there," he said. He nodded to himself. "Only way we're getting out the door on time."

Sirius chuckled. "Good plan," he agreed.

"What is it with you Blacks?" James asked. "Are you all like this?"

Sirius laughed. "Just the best of us," he said. "Which is pretty much just Reggie and me, now that Uncle Alphie's gone." Sirius hesitated, knowing that it wasn't just the best of them that cared about their outward appearance. Walburga had cared, to a fault, and had instilled that into her sons. Sirius looked down and started picking at a string hanging from his pants.

James sighed. "I know that look," he said. "Wasn't just you three, was it?" he asked. "Walburga, too."

Sirius nodded. He let out a sigh as he ripped the string off his pants and put it in the ashtray. "Of course," he said. "Why wouldn't the cunt have given me one thing that stuck around?" he asked with a forced smile. "There's also Cissy. True to her name, that one."

"Is she a Death Eater too?" James asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Nah, not a chance," he replied. "She's not the type to get her hands dirty with that shit. Malfoy, though, her husband?" he asked. "Definitely."

James shook his head. "Any proof?" he asked.

"Nope," Sirius sighed. "Reggie might, but he hasn't told me anything. Besides, the bastard would just buy his way right out of Azkaban, so what's the point?" he asked.

James nodded. "S'pose you're right," he agreed. He studied Sirius for a moment. "You alright?" he asked. "You seemed pretty melancholic when we first got here."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Pulling out the big words for that one?" he asked. "Hurt your head?"

James rubbed his forehead. "A bit, yeah," he joked. He was quiet for a brief moment. "But seriously, how are you?" 

"Oh, I'm very Sirius, we've established that," Sirius replied. James raised his eyebrows. Sirius sighed. "I've had a shit day," he said. "Panic attacks and nightmares. All part of the trauma."

"You eating?" James asked.

Sirius chuckled. "Reggie asked me the same thing," he said. He met James's eyes. "Do you really think that Remus would let me stop eating?" he asked. "After what he knows now?"

James shook his head. "No, but I know it's getting close to the full moon and he starts getting those wolf moments, so I figured I'd check anyway."

Sirius nodded. "Makes sense," he agreed. "And yes, to be perfectly clear, I am eating. And on the subject, what the hell are you doing making fucking marmelade?" he demanded.

James laughed. "Told you about that, did he?" he asked. Sirius nodded. "He mentioned that he liked it for his toast, so I got the stuff to make it."

"And the daily fresh bread?" Sirius asked.

"Okay, it's not every day," James protested. "More like every other day. But I like fresh bread, and getting out to the bakery every morning is a pain in the ass. I'd rather just make it myself."

"Yeah, that's fair," Sirius agreed. "Bring some our way once in a while."

James nodded. "Sure," he said. "Been meaning to, anyway."

"Hey, Prongs," Sirius said after a moment.

"Hmm?"

Sirius met James's eyes. "Take care of him," he said softly. "He's a bit lost and feels like there's a lot he needs to make up for. Might even be some moments when he scares the fuck out of you. He was a Death Eater for a long time."

James nodded. "Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, I know. I've thought about it, you know?" he asked. Sirius nodded. "Thought about all the things I know they do. Things I know he must have done. Like killing people, you know?" Sirius nodded again. "Then I just decided that I don't care about what he's done, because that's not who he is anymore, yeah?" he asked. "You both grew up to be very different products of your environment. You were able to resist it just because you're fucking stubborn and your parents were cruel to you. They weren't as bad to him. He didn't have that same experience. In fact, his might have almost been worse because he thought it was normal, you know?" Sirius nodded again. "And… I just…" He looked thoughtful for a moment as he tried to find the words. "I've seen the darkness in you," he said. "Been through some major shit with you. Been there when you absolutely raged. When you lost it, and you cried. Cleaned up after the messes your parents created. And… I'm alright with it," he said. "I know how dark Black can be," James said, his gaze unwavering from Sirius's. "I know how to turn on the lights."

Sirius smiled. "Thanks," he said. James nodded. "Shall we get back to them?" he sighed.

James nodded. "Yeah," he said. He let out an anxious sigh. "Yeah," he repeated.

Sirius smiled at him. "Don't be nervous, it's just Reggie," he said. 

James let out a laugh. "Your concept of 'just Reggie' and mine are very different," he said.

Sirius stood and held out his hand to James. "Oh, I know," he said. He grinned as James took his hand and let Sirius pull him to his feet. "But it's still just Reggie."

James let out a huff. "Right. Yeah," he nervously replied as they left the bedroom.

Notes:

Can I just say that I love James here? He's just so accepting of what he's getting into with Reggie. He's a beautiful soul. We all need a James in our lives. And I love their banter. I'm sorry this one is shorter. I haven't been feeling well and have like 3 jobs I'm bouncing between, trying to make life work on top of my disability. Life's fun. Next chapter will be longer, I promise. Look forward to that one on Saturday. 😉

Chapter 17

Summary:

"Can I get something to write with?" he asked.
Sirius nodded as he stood and fetched some parchment and a pen for his brother. When he handed them to Regulus, he just stared at the pen. "What's this?" he asked.
"It's called a pen," Remus explained. "Just write with it."
"Weird," Regulus muttered, inspecting it closely. "Muggle thing?" he asked.
Remus nodded. "Everyone uses them," he said. "Sirius is obsessed with them."
Sirius grinned as Regulus put the tip of the pen to the parchment and scribbled a small circle. "Oh, that's neat," he said as he stared at it. He touched the ink and looked at his finger. "It's dry?" he asked.

Notes:

Triggers for this chapter include: Discussions of the Imperius Curse and its use, mentions of an abusive parent, discussions of life as a Death Eater for Reggie in very vague terms, and discussions of sexual assault. Also, we have the full moon impacting Remus's psyche, and he's getting a bit possessive over Sirius.

They made their way down the stairs, where they found Regulus looking through the bookshelves and Remus at the stove cooking dinner. Remus looked over at them. Sirius noticed the frown on his face, which reminded him of the conversation they had earlier, where Remus had said he might not be okay with Sirius being alone in the room with James. Suddenly feeling guilty, Sirius made his way toward the kitchen.

Remus's eyes were locked on James. His gaze was almost predatory. "Dinner?" he asked, his tone carefully casual. Sirius doubted that neither Regulus nor James had noticed his demeanor. 

Regulus looked up at him, saw that Remus wasn't looking at him, turned, and saw James and Sirius. Sirius winked at his brother, making his cheeks flush, and continued on his way to the kitchen.

"I already said yes," Regulus informed James. "Give you a night off?"

James nodded as he flopped onto the couch. "Yeah, sounds great," he said with a smile at Remus. Remus did not return the smile. His eyes turned to Sirius as he approached.

Remus reached for Sirius as he got closer and pulled him in close. For a moment, he just hugged Sirius without saying anything.

"I'm sorry," Sirius softly said to him, his voice low enough that only Remus would hear him. "I know you mentioned that you probably wouldn't be okay with James up there, and I didn't think about that when I told Reggie to send him up. Are you okay?"

Remus stayed quiet a moment longer. "I'll be fine," he said softly. He closed his eyes as he pressed his face against Sirius’s neck, focusing on breathing in the scent of leather and cigarettes and graphite that was just… Sirius. Not smelling James on him at all helped reassure him. "I'm just feeling possessive right now. Territorial. I don't usually have anyone over on the days leading up to the full moon, so this is just… different for me."

Sirius nodded. "I understand," he said. "How can I help?"

Remus let out a chuckle. "Stay close," he said softly. He sighed again.

Sirius reached up and pulled Remus in for a kiss. "I love you," he said, meeting Remus's golden eyes. "Hear me?" he asked. "I'm all yours."

Remus nodded. He kissed Sirius's forehead. "I love you," he said softly, finally feeling secure enough to let him go. Sirius stepped behind Remus as he stirred the food in the pot and wrapped his arms around the werewolf's waist.

Remus nodded his head toward the living room. "Everything okay with them?" he asked.

Sirius nodded against his back. "Reggie wanted help figuring out if Prongs liked him, then asked me to tell him," he said, still in that low enough voice that he knew Remus would hear him, but not James and Regulus to prevent them from getting embarrassed. "I'll tell you more about it after they go home," he promised.

"Okay," Remus agreed. He glanced into the living room. "They don't look embarrassed," he said.

Sirius turned his head to look at his brother and best friend. He let go of Remus and leaned against the counter next to him so that he could see without being too obvious. Regulus held a book in his hands and was enthusiastically discussing it with James, who had a grin on his face and nodded at all the right moments.

"Reggie might just ask to borrow a book," Sirius said with a chuckle.

Remus growled low in his throat. "My books do not leave this cabin," he said in a dangerous voice.

Sirius smiled and reached up to put his hand on Remus's shoulder. "I didn't say you had to loan it to him," he said, knowing fully how protective Remus was about his books. He continued to watch as Regulus carefully put the book back on the shelf, then sat down next to James, their legs touching. As they spoke, Sirius watched James reach for Regulus's hand and hold it. He smiled when his brother didn't pull away. "I think they might be almost there," he said softly.

Remus stole a quick glance. He let out a chuckle. "I think you're right," he agreed.

Sirius looked back at Remus. "Anything I can do to help?" he asked.

Remus shook his head. "It's pretty much done," he said. He turned to Sirius and smiled at him before he leaned over for a kiss. "Thank you, though."

Sirius nodded before he pushed off the counter and opened the cupboard behind him. He grabbed plates for their dinner, then opened the drawer for flatware. He set everything on the table before he pulled it away from the wall. He put the two extra chairs into place before he set the table. As he did, Remus transferred the food from the pan to a serving dish.

"What do you want to drink?" Sirius asked.

"Just water for me," Remus said. Sirius nodded and kissed Remus's cheek as they met in the middle of the kitchen. Remus set the food onto the table as Sirius started getting glasses out. He knew James would want a butterbeer, which Sirius also wanted. He grabbed two bottles from the fridge and filled Remus's glass with water. He looked up at Regulus.

"Hey, Reggie," he said.

Regulus reluctantly looked at him. "Yeah?" he asked.

"What would you like to drink?" he asked. "We've got water, butterbeer, or apple juice. If you want tea, it'll take a minute."

"Water's fine," Regulus said. Sirius nodded and filled a glass with water for his brother.

"I don't get a choice?" James asked.

Sirius laughed. "I mean, I'm certain I know what you want, but sure. What would you like?"

"Butterbeer," James said with a grin.

"Awesome. Come eat," he said as he and Remus sat down at the table. Regulus and James joined them, Regulus sitting next to Sirius and James on his other side, next to Remus. They passed the food around, their chatter mostly centered around the Marauders and their adventures. Regulus laughed as they told stories of their antics, including a time when James and Remus had caught Sirius in the library, looking up some questionable reading material.

"I'd have been fine if I hadn't said I was studying," Sirius said.

Remus laughed. "That's exactly what gave you away," he said. "You never studied. Even when we were in the library to study, you were always sketching."

Sirius laughed. "I didn't need to!" he cried in his own defense. "Literally everything I needed to know was taught in class, or it was an assignment. It was easy."

"Easy?" Regulus demanded. "What planet are you from?"

The four of them laughed again. Sirius shook his head. "I dunno," he said. "I just never struggled with any of it. That's why I was always fucking off. Probably would have been top of the class if I'd actually applied myself more."

"The worst part," Remus said to Regulus, "was that even Lily and I went to him for help, and we were top of our year."

Regulus's eyes widened. "Head Girl Lily went to him for help?" Regulus asked.

Remus and Sirius both nodded. "More than once," Sirius said. "Usually for Astronomy."

Regulus shook his head before taking a drink of his water.

"How is she, anyway?" James asked. "You guys mentioned she'd been there that night, but I haven't even talked to her since she and Mary got back from their honeymoon to pick up the cat."

"She's busting her ass to help me," Sirius said. "She reached out the other day to see if Remus had any breakthroughs. So far, they're not getting anywhere."

Regulus frowned. "Can I help?" he asked.

"Actually, I think so," Remus replied. He wiped his face with his napkin and took a drink. "How familiar are you with the Imperius Curse?" he asked.

Regulus stared at him for a moment. "You mean, as in, have I used it?" he asked. "Or are we speaking in hypotheticals here?"

Remus shrugged. "Either, honestly," he said. "There's limited information that we can find on it based on the materials we have access to."

Regulus sighed and looked at all three of them. His gaze lingered on James the longest before he looked back at Remus. "I'm very familiar with it," he said softly. "I'm not proud of it, but… I have had to use it."

"On who?" Sirius asked, genuinely curious.

Regulus met and held his gaze. "On mum," he said.

Sirius gaped at him, the shock striking him to his core. "I– wh– what?" he demanded.

Regulus looked down. "It was the only way to get her to stop hitting me," he confessed.

Sirius's hand clenched around his fork. He cleared his throat, then lifted his butterbeer. "May she rot," he said.

Regulus raised his drink as well before the two brothers drank as Remus and James stared at each other in shock.

"Anyway," Regulus said as he set his water back down. "I also have a lot of theoretical knowledge about it," he said. "Tell me more."

Remus cleared his throat. "Uh, right," he said. He collected himself before he launched into an explanation of everything he and Lily knew about Sirius's curse.

Regulus tapped his finger on the table when Remus concluded, thinking about the information he had. He looked at Sirius. "You can't break it?" he asked. "With Imperius, a strong will will shatter the curse."

Sirius shook his head. "Trust me, I tried," he said.

"And what does it feel like?"

Sirius shifted in his seat. "Honestly, I don't feel the curse at all," he explained. "I had no idea I was under it. When I try to act against it, it's like the signals don't go through from my brain to my body. Last time, when he knocked on the door, I was determined not to get up and answer it, but despite my trying to sit down, I just walked to the door and opened it."

"So… almost numb?" Regulus asked.

Sirius sighed. "In a way?" he replied, unsure whether 'numb' was the right word for it. "I still feel everything, still can slow myself down or even hesitate, but not act against it. I can still think clearly. Before I knew about the curse, I thought I was just… going with it?" Sirius asked. "Does that make sense? Like, I didn't want to – I'd literally never willingly do anything with that slimy git – but I did it anyway. There was one moment when I was trying to walk away from him, and he shouted at me to not walk away from him. I'd frozen, thought I was just stunned that he'd reacted so strongly. Didn't realize it was the curse."

Regulus chewed on his lip for a moment as he nodded. He looked at Remus, still quiet. "Mirrors," he softly said.

"Mirrors?" Remus asked, confused.

Regulus sat up straighter, if it were possible with his impeccable posture. "Reflect it back," he said. "Can I get something to write with?" he asked.

Sirius nodded as he stood and fetched some parchment and a pen for his brother. When he handed them to Regulus, he just stared at the pen. "What's this?" he asked.

"It's called a pen," Remus explained. "Just write with it."

"Weird," Regulus muttered, inspecting it closely. "Muggle thing?" he asked.

Remus nodded. "Everyone uses them," he said. "Sirius is obsessed with them."

Sirius grinned as Regulus put the tip of the pen to the parchment and scribbled a small circle. "Oh, that's neat," he said as he stared at it. He touched the ink and looked at his finger. "It's dry?" he asked.

"Most of them dry right away," Remus explained. "Less ink on your hand that way."

"I need one," Regulus whispered.

"Keep that one," Sirius said. "If you click the button at the top, the tip disappears into the cylinder."

Regulus tried it and smiled when the tip retracted. He clicked it again, and it came back out. He looked at his brother with a look of amazement on his face. "I can keep this?" he asked. "You're sure?"

Sirius nodded. "All yours," he said. "I have way too many already."

Regulus chuckled before he shook his head. "Anyway," he said before he started sketching on the parchment. After a moment, he passed it to Remus to look at. "Does that make sense?" he asked.

Remus looked at the diagram and the notes Regulus had written to explain his thoughts. After a moment, he looked back at Regulus in shock. "That could work," he said.

"Someone want to explain to the class what we're thinking?" James asked.

"Right," Remus said. "So the theory is this," he continued. He launched into an explanation, using the diagram where necessary, of how they could draw the curse out of Sirius again, using the ritual Lily had already done to discover it in the first place. This time, instead of just drawing it out to learn about it, they'd incorporate mirrors and a few additional spells to reflect the curse back at Snape. It wouldn't make them able to control him, as he was the caster, but it could, in theory, cause the curse to leave Sirius and imprint on Snape instead. "It's an old trick," Remus explained. "Used commonly centuries ago, not nearly as much today."

"But how would it reflect back to Snape?" James asked. "Wouldn't it just reflect back to Sirius because he's in the reflection?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, because his signature is what ties the spell to him," he said. He reached over and took the parchment from Remus, looking at it closely. He nodded. "Yeah, instead of coming back at me, the mirrors would use his signature to find him. This is actually brilliant," he said, looking at Regulus. "How did you think of this?" he asked.

Regulus shrugged. "I've done something similar," he said. "I can't guarantee that this will work, but it could be worth it to try."

"You've done similar?" Sirius asked.

Regulus nodded before he pulled up the sleeve covering his left arm. He held it up so that they could see the milky flesh where his Dark Mark should have been. There was no sign of the tattoo.

"When did you do that?" James asked.

"A couple of days ago," Regulus said. "He's been summoning me repeatedly, and I could tell that he was getting pissed that I wasn't responding to him. Now, when he summons me, it's not going anywhere."

"Wait, you could tell that he was mad?" Sirius asked.

Regulus looked thoughtful for a moment. "You get impressions," he explained. "You can tell what he's feeling when he calls on you – whether he's angry or calm. Typically, you can just sort of tell where he wants you to go, even though there're no explicit instructions, and you can tell how urgent the summons are. Sometimes, it's possible to sort of send a message back, in a way. Let him know you can't make it for some reason – and it'd better be a damn good reason because you'll be punished otherwise. There are certain members he gives that leeway to. High-profile ones, mostly. People with important jobs outside of their allegiance."

Sirius smiled. "So, you're officially no longer a Death Eater," he said proudly.

Regulus nodded. "Wasn't easy, but yes, officially." He let out a dry chuckle. "Thank Merlin that it worked, too, because it was getting to a point where my arm was practically useless."

"How so?" James asked.

Regulus sighed. "Look at it this way," he said. "Nothing he does is pleasant." James's face fell as a haunted look crossed Regulus's face. He shook his head to clear away the memories. "It burns when he summons you," he said softly. "Like every nerve under the Mark just lights on fire. It's hot. He was summoning me so frequently that I actually thought about amputating my arm before I remembered the mirror thing."

"Does he know?" Sirius asked, concerned for his brother's safety.

Regulus sighed. "I don't know," he confessed. "Theoretically, he shouldn't, but, as Remus said, this magic is ancient and not commonly practiced. I have no idea if the other end knows. I tried to make it look like I'd been taken against my will before I met up with you, just to buy time, but…" he shook his head. "I have no idea how well that worked. My not responding to summons, even to send a message back, because if I did, he'd know the truth, has made him especially angry with me." Regulus sighed before he smiled. The smile was forced, however, and didn't reach his haunted eyes. "Anyway, I hope that works," he said. "If it worked for the Dark Mark, maybe it can work for you."

Sirius nodded. "We'll let you know," he said. "Unless you'd like to be there?"

Regulus shrugged. "I would, but I can't exactly leave Godric's Hollow," he said.

"We can do it here," Remus offered. "I'll call Lily, work things through with her, and let you know when. Obviously, it won't happen before Tuesday."

"I have therapy on Tuesday," Sirius reminded him.

"Right," Remus said with a nod. "Wednesday it is then. At the earliest."

"You're going to therapy?" James asked, looking at Sirius across the table. "When did that happen?"

Sirius sighed. "Dumbledore's recommendation," he said. "He stopped by here earlier today."

"He knows?" James asked. "You told him?"

Sirius gave James a half nod. "He's on the Wizengamot, so the case crossed his desk before I could reach out to him," he said.

"So… I have a very uncomfortable question and think it might just be easier to get it out on the table so that we all know…" He looked at each of the others. "Is there anyone sitting here who hasn't been… assaulted?" he asked.

Sirius looked at his companions. 

James looked sad and withdrawn. He'd known about James's assault, known that James hadn't wanted anyone to know about it. Sirius had stopped it because he'd realized James had disappeared at a party they'd gone to. He'd found James in a room, passed out as some random bloke was trying to have a good time without James's consent or involvement.

Regulus refused to look anywhere except at the pen in his hand. Sirius felt the rage flare up inside of him at the knowledge that he had failed to protect his little brother when he clearly needed him. He tried to tell himself that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have protected Regulus because they had spent most of the last five years refusing to speak to each other. He couldn't convince himself that he hadn't failed.

Remus nodded when Sirius looked at him, causing Sirius's heart to shatter. He reached out and took Remus's hand, who squeezed his gently.

"We'll talk about it later," Remus said softly.

Sirius nodded before he sighed heavily. "Well, that's a thing we all have in common," he said. He looked at Regulus, who glanced up at him, too. "You and I are going to have a conversation about this at some point," he promised. Regulus nodded, looking down again, but didn't speak.

James looked at Sirius. "Thanks for that night, by the way," he said softly. Sirius nodded. "I've never left a drink unattended since."

Sirius chuckled. "I'm glad," he said. "I might not be there next time."

Remus frowned at James. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

James slightly shook his head. "Not much to talk about, really," he said. "I don't even remember it. I was drugged, vaguely remember Pads coming in and fighting the guy to get him off me, then taking me home and helping me puke into a bucket so I didn't drown in it. Some Halloween party we went to a few years ago."

"He didn't get very far, but he got far enough," Sirius said softly. "Pretty sure I broke his jaw."

James let out a wry chuckle. "Can't say he didn't deserve it," he said. He looked at Remus. "You too, huh?" he asked. "Gotta say, I'm actually surprised."

Remus sighed. "Yeah, I was too," he said. "I'm not ready for everyone to know the details, though."

James nodded. "No worries," he said. He looked at the three of them, his eyes lingering on Regulus. "I'm kind of sorry that I asked, but at the same time, I just felt…" he sighed. "In light of what Sirius is going through, I just figured it'd be nice if we all could put it on the table."

Sirius's eyes were on his brother. "Reg?" he asked.

Regulus finally looked up. Sirius saw the tears on his face. He pulled his brother into a hug, and Regulus let out a sob. Sirius held him close. "Just breathe," Sirius whispered in Regulus's ear. "I'm sorry I failed you," he whispered.

Regulus shook his head as he pulled away from Sirius. "You couldn't have," he said through his tears. "It's not your fault, Sirius."

Sirius held Regulus's hand in his. "Reggie, my job as your brother is to protect you," he said. "I failed you."

Regulus shook his head rapidly. "You didn't," he said, his voice shaking. "I failed. I was somewhere I should have never been. It's not on you."

Sirius nodded. "Okay," he said softly. "Talk to me about it when you're ready?" he asked.

Regulus nodded. "Yeah," he agreed. "Not tonight."

Sirius shook his head. "No," he agreed. "Not tonight."

Regulus looked at James. "Can we go?" he asked.

James nodded, his face sad. "Yeah, of course," he said. "Let's get you home."

Sirius and Remus watched as the pair left the cabin, closing the door behind them, leaving the couple alone at the table.

Sirius tapped his fingers on the table. "You never mentioned it," he said softly. "Even with everything going on. Why?"

Remus shook his head. "Not that big of a deal," he said with a rough voice. "Hooked up with the wrong guy one night. Things got too rough." He picked at a snag on the tablecloth. "Woke up the next morning wishing I was dead."

He stood and started picking up the dishes to take to the sink. Sirius followed him and reached for him as he turned around. He saw the tears in Remus's red-rimmed eyes and reached up to hold his face in his hands. "It's okay for it to not be okay," he said, searching for something in the depths of Remus's yellow eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

"And let you see me weak?" Remus asked, his voice rough with emotion. He shook his head as Sirius lowered his hands. "You?" he reiterated. Sirius understood that Remus valued Sirius's opinion of him so highly that he couldn't risk it being tarnished or tainted. Remus shook his head again, the tears threatening to spill over. "I couldn't have you look at me like that when it happened, and now you're dealing with so much that I just couldn't tell you yet. I planned on telling you," he said softly. "James just beat me to the punch."

Sirius leaned up for a kiss that Remus enthusiastically reciprocated. "You can tell me everything," Sirius whispered. "All of it – not just about what happened to you, but all the other stuff too. Doesn't matter if I'm dealing with shit or not, okay?" Remus nodded. "You don't have to hide anything, not from me. Happy and hard, remember?" he asked. Remus nodded again. "Goes both ways."

Remus gave Sirius a bittersweet smile. "Thank you," he said softly.

Notes:

So... all four of our boys have a story. I'll be upfront and say James's is the only one that never comes up again, but... don't leave your drinks unattended.

Also, I love developing Jegulus on the sidelines like this. Giving glimpses of how they're coming together in small snapshots, showing how Regulus is changing and growing as a person through his interactions with Sirius, and the things Sirius gets to witness, is such a fun way to write his character. Like the moment where Reggie talks about the book with James, and he's excited about it? Then he sits down, and they hold hands? Love that moment between them so much!

Chapter 18

Notes:

Trigger warnings for this chapter include: It's the full moon, y'all. It's an interesting chapter. For this one, Remus's pre-moon mental state is... whacked. He's crazed, primal, and a bit unhinged. There are themes of control, where he sort of considers Sirius almost as though he's property? He's also an anxious wreck the entire day. Then we get into a detailed description of the transformation itself, so there's pain, blood, and injury. Also... there's a moment of a bit of a borderline consensual/non-consensual point where Moony decides that Padfoot is his. Yes, that means what you think that means. So, yeah. Here's your full moon chapter.

The morning of the full moon arrived like any other morning. Sirius opened his eyes when he felt Remus get out of bed and rolled over to see him pacing from the door to the foot of the bed and back again. He could see that Remus's lips were moving and could hear his voice, but couldn't make out what the werewolf was muttering under his breath. Remus started smacking the heel of his hand into his forehead.

Confused, Sirius slowly sat up. Remus seemed to be so locked away in his own world that he didn't react to Sirius's movements as he tightly grabbed a fistful of his own hair. "Remus?" Sirius asked, keeping his voice low and soft.

Remus froze, staring at him with eyes far more yellow than Sirius could recall ever seeing before. Sirius noticed he looked sweaty and pale. "Sorry," Remus mumbled after a moment. He sat down on the far corner of the bed. His leg immediately started bouncing. Sirius reached out for Remus, to comfort him through touch, but Remus jumped up and moved away. Sirius recoiled, drawing back into himself as Remus frantically shook his head. "Don't touch me," Remus quickly said, still shaking his head. "Not right now."

"Okay," Sirius slowly replied. "Can you tell me what's happening right now?" he asked.

Remus let out a bitter chuckle. "Another part of the gift of being cursed that you never saw," he said. He pressed his knuckle into his forehead as he started to pace again. They typically slept nude, and Sirius could see that every muscle in Remus's body was tense. Remus's head twitched before he cracked his neck rapidly. He let out another chuckle, this one breathy. "See, back at Hogwarts, you either slept through this part because I was up hours before you were, or, if I wasn't, I waited until you all were out of the dormitory." Sirius noticed that his speech pattern was unusually fast and his vocal inflections were… wrong. Remus sounded crazed. For the first time, Sirius felt a sliver of fear because of Remus.

The werewolf's head snapped back up to Sirius. "I need to leave," he said. "I need to be somewhere else. Somewhere you're not." Sirius realized that Remus must have smelled that momentary fear, and it had excited him. He swallowed the fear down and willed his heart to slow down.

"Please, Moony, talk to me. What's going on?"

Remus snarled at him. "The fucking full moon, what else?" he demanded. "What the fuck else could it be?" 

Sirius nodded, holding his hand up. "I understand that," he said, careful to keep his voice calm. "I meant, what are you experiencing? What's happening in your head?"

Remus jerked his shoulders up with a shrug. "Adrenaline?" he guessed. "Fuck if I know. They don't teach this part in any books and certainly not in Defense. I've never been part of a pack. Didn't have anyone to teach me what it means to be a fucking werewolf. Human parents. Human friends." His head twitched to the side again. He turned to make another pass through the room, pulling at his hair again. "Only like this when I first wake up. Usually wakes me up. Usually goes away in an hour or so. Like a dog with a bone. I need to do something," he said. He tilted his head to the side. "Or someone," he said. "Don't care which. Probably wouldn't be pleasant for you, though." He shook his head again. "Nope. Only one around is you. Not doing that to you."

"Can I help?" Sirius asked.

Remus frantically shook his head. "You can stay the fuck away," he said. "For your safety. Don't have much control right now. Just need to work it out. Be better if you weren't in here, but if you move, I think I'd go after you. You're mate," he said. Sirius remembered that Remus had used that word to describe him before. "Mate is mine." He turned around for another pass, but stopped, staring at Sirius with his head cocked to the side. "Smell good," he said. Sirius noticed that Remus had gone unnaturally still and stared at him without blinking. He shook his head again and resumed pacing. "Cold shower," he said as he started nodding to himself. "Cold shower helps."

Without another word, Remus whipped back around and left the bedroom behind. Sirius heard him in the bathroom a moment later, turning the shower on. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding and rubbed his eyes. "What the fuck?" he whispered. He shook his head and listened to make sure Remus was actually in the shower before he slowly and quietly got out of bed. Once dressed, he went downstairs and busied himself with making tea and coffee. Sirius leaned against the counter as he waited for his coffee to brew, inspecting the polish on his nails. Deciding they were fine, he took the hair tie off his wrist and put his hair up into a bun at the top of his head. It was a warm day in the cabin. Warmer than it had been as the week had been much warmer than the rest of the month had been. He tapped his fingers against the edge of the counter. The heat had driven him to put on a t-shirt that he'd cut the sleeves off of at one point. It was another of his Muggle band t-shirts, this one depicting a logo that said Black Sabbath. It also had a picture of a large hooded figure and four other, smaller, hooded figures in front of it. It was one of Sirius's favorites, and he wore it frequently in the summers. He inspected a small tear near the hem with a frown.

When the coffee maker was finally done, Sirius poured himself a cup. He turned off the kettle and fixed Remus's tea before he added cream and sugar to his coffee. He took both cups to the table and set them down before he opened the cabinet and grabbed a chocolate bar. He set it next to Remus's tea before he sat and took a long drink from his coffee. He closed his eyes, breathing in the fragrant aroma. He set his coffee down and reached for his cigarettes. He lit one and sat at the table, curled up in his chair, as he waited for Remus to come down.

Sirius was snuffing out his cigarette as Remus finally surfaced, fully dressed. His tawny hair hung limply around his head, droplets of water clinging to the tips. His eyes were red from crying.

He stopped in front of Sirius, noticing the tea waiting for him. Fresh tears fell from his eyes. He looked at Sirius. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Sirius gave him a small smile. "Woke up a little loony this morning, huh?" he asked.

Remus let out a strangled chuckle. He nodded as more tears fell.

"Are we okay now?" Sirius asked before he took another drink from his coffee.

Remus nodded again. Sirius put his coffee down as he uncurled from the chair and stood up. He stepped up to Remus and held his arms out, inviting him in but respecting that he may not want to be touched yet. Remus immediately wrapped himself around Sirius, crying into his shoulder and apologizing again.

Sirius hugged Remus tightly. "It's okay," he said. Remus shook his head. "It is, Moony," he insisted. "I just got a little freaked out seeing you like that for the first time. Kinda coming to terms with how much you've kept hidden about what you go through monthly. On our end, full moons were always fun adventures. We kinda forgot about the torture you go through because we focused on the fun. Now I'm seeing that it's more than just you ripping your own skin apart. There's a lot of mental shit too." Remus nodded. "I'll be better prepared next month," Sirius promised.

"I didn't scare you away?" Remus asked, his voice shaking.

Sirius shook his head. He turned his face toward Remus and kissed his neck. Remus felt a shiver pass through him and let out a shuddering breath. "Happy and hard," Sirius whispered to him. "You aren't scaring me away that easily."

Remus let out another sob and squeezed Sirius to him. "I love you," he said through his tears.

"I love you," Sirius replied. "Now, drink your tea and eat your chocolate. You'll feel better."

Remus nodded and let Sirius go so that he could sit at the table. More tears welled up in his eyes as he saw the chocolate next to the tea. He gave Sirius a watery smile. "Thank you," he whispered.

Sirius took a long drink from his coffee. "Of course, Moony," he said softly. He set his coffee down on the table again before he leaned over and kissed the werewolf's forehead. "Are you hungry?" he asked.

Remus shook his head. "Not today," he said. "Chocolate's good, but food'll just make me sick."

Sirius nodded. "Smell too?" he asked. Remus nodded. "Okay," he said.

Remus looked at him carefully. "Are you hungry?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Not right now," he said. Remus stared at him. "I'll eat today, I promise," he said. After another moment of Remus staring at him, Sirius sighed. "I'm not not eating because I don't think I can or should, I'm just not hungry right now," he insisted. "I will eat, I promise. Likely in an hour or so."

"Okay," Remus finally said before he took a small sip of his tea. He frowned, realizing it wasn't his typical morning tea, but rather the calming blend he always drank on full moon mornings. He looked back at Sirius. "How did you know?" he asked.

"To make that tea for you?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. Sirius gave him a small smile. "I pay attention," he said.

"But–"

Sirius smiled at him again. "You drink it when you're feeling particularly anxious," he said. "This morning, you were beside yourself. Figured that was the one to make you today."

Remus smiled at him. "Thank you," he said softly. He took another sip, inhaling the calming herbs, and set his cup back down. "I really don't deserve you," he said softly.

Sirius stared at him for a moment. "You keep stealing my line," he said before he took a drink from his coffee. Remus chuckled. "And, actually, you do. We've suffered enough, haven't we?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. "Then shut up and enjoy the reward."

"My reward for suffering is putting up with your diva ass for the rest of my life?" Remus asked. "What did I do to deserve that?" 

Sirius winked at him. "You love my ass," he said.

Remus grinned. "I really do," he agreed.

Sirius grinned. "My ass loves you too," he said, causing Remus to laugh.

 

The rest of the day passed, the hours ticking by both too slowly and too quickly, anxiety rising high. Remus went through every emotion, and Sirius was along for the ride. He was grateful when it came time for him to transform. He shifted into his dog form and curled up on the couch next to Remus, who was rocking back and forth. He crawled into Remus's lap and licked his face. Remus smiled at him and buried his face in Padfoot's fur, finding comfort in petting the dog. Sirius would never admit it, but the feeling of Remus scratching him behind the ears was his favorite part.

James, they had already decided, would be staying with Regulus that evening. The coffee table had been pushed against the wall to keep it out of the way. The front door, the only door to the outside, was already locked. The knob and deadbolt, as well as a chain and even a security bar, were already in place. There was also a spell that Sirius had activated earlier, which ensured the door could only be opened from the inside by human hands. Theoretically, between that and the closed, unbreakable windows, there was no way they could get out. The only thing left to do was wait for the full moon to rise.

Remus cried out in pain and doubled over when it did, clutching Padfoot to him. The dog nuzzled Remus, licking his face, hoping to provide some small comfort in the harrowing change. Remus gave him a pained smile and pressed his forehead against the dog's, breathing heavily. This was the part of being a werewolf that Sirius knew, understood, and had the power to help with. Padfoot licked Remus's face again, just before another spasm made him cry out and fall off the couch, taking the dog with him. Padfoot let out an unintentional whine as his hip hit the hardwood floor with too much force. He scrambled to get back up as Remus reached for him and curled up around him. Padfoot could smell the change in him as the musk of the wolf became stronger. Remus screamed and started to claw at his own arms, his blood turning to fire in his veins.

Padfoot gently used his mouth to pull Remus's hand away from his arm. He barked, telling Remus to hurt him instead. That was why he was here. Remus had tears streaming down his face as he screamed again, digging his hands into the dog's fur. Sirius knew he'd have a new scar in the morning.

More screams. More pain. As usual, Sirius's heart broke at seeing what Remus endured to transform. Not for the first time, he wished that Remus's transformations could be as painless and seamless as his own.

Remus dug his hands into the floor as they turned into claws. He ripped at the floorboards as his face shifted and a snout burst forth. Sirius knew the fight was about to start. Until then, he licked at Remus's face, hoping to calm him, even just a little bit.

Remus roared and pushed Padfoot away forcefully. Padfoot hit the banister and crumpled to the floor, but leaped back up and rushed to Moony, ignoring the pain in his side. The two collided, biting at each other. Snarls erupted around them. Padfoot yelped when a half-transformed Moony raked his clawed hand down the dog's back, but he didn't back down. He knew he'd be fine, even as the blood trickled into his fur.

Moony threw him across the room a few more times, but each time, Padfoot came running right back. At one point, he tackled and pinned Moony to the floor, lying over the top of him to keep him from hurting himself further. Fur sprouted across Moony's skin as his body shrank. Bones snapped, and joints popped. The worst was always when his shins split to make the heel joint. Moony howled in pain and rage.

The transformation was complete within minutes that ticked on forever. Moony stood only an inch or two taller than Padfoot, a perfect wolf with Remus's eyes.

The two canines sniffed at each other. Padfoot to make sure Moony's injuries weren't too severe. Moony to reacquaint himself with the dog in front of him. Padfoot licked at Moony's bleeding foreleg. Moony picked up his leg, not wanting to put weight on it. He licked at the blood on Padfoot's back and whined at him. Padfoot shook himself to say that he was okay and nudged Moony's face with his. I'm fine. He pressed his face into the side of Moony's neck. He waited for Remus to let him know he was in control. Eclipses meant that it should be Remus's mind in the wolf, but they didn't start right away. He reasoned it would be at least an hour before the eclipse started. Until then, he'd have to occupy Moony.

When the wolf turned to scratch at the door, Padfoot knew that Remus wasn't awake yet. He padded up to the wolf and nudged him with his snout. The wolf looked at him. Want out. Want to run.

Padfoot shook himself again. Stay with me.

For a moment, Moony stared at him, head cocked to the side. Padfoot watched something behind those human eyes change and realized what it was a moment before it happened. Mate. Moony moved too quickly for Padfoot to react. He felt Moony's teeth on the back of his neck and realized he was being mounted, whether he liked it or not. He remembered Remus's warning that the wolf saw him this way now.

Knowing it was this or a fight, at least until Remus woke up, Padfoot didn't fight. He submitted to the wolf and hoped this wouldn't be a regular thing. He would definitely be bringing this up with Remus in the morning.

Except that he wouldn't need to. The glow of the moon outside turned the room red, and he felt the wolf go still. A moment later, Padfoot felt the wolf's teeth release him as he recoiled. He backed away from Padfoot before he turned and ran up the stairs. Padfoot huffed a sigh before he made his way up after him, ignoring the burn in his behind. Using his nose, he followed Moony's scent to the bathroom and found the wolf trying to hide between the toilet and the tub, curled up as small as his large frame would allow him to go, nose tucked under his tail.

Padfoot nudged him with his snout and licked his forehead until Remus finally looked up at him. They sniffed each other, noses nearly touching. Padfoot could smell more of Remus than Moony now and knew that he was awake. He licked the side of Remus's wolf face, hoping to calm him. Finally, Remus licked Padfoot in return, and they slowly came out of the dark corner he'd hidden in. Together, they walked into the bedroom, jumped onto the bed, and curled up with each other to go to sleep.

Notes:

Okay, so I reallllly wanted to try a different take on Remus and the full moon. Most of the time, you know, we see him sick, weak, lethargic, stuff like that, but I really wanted to go a different way. I wanted to make him unhinged pre-moon, and not just because of the pending eclipse, but just in general. And I also wanted this to be the first time Sirius ever actually saw it. Like, he's known Remus for years at this point, right? But Remus has literally been hiding certain parts of himself from even the people closest to him because he was afraid that if they knew, they'd either be afraid of him or judge him. So, even though they lived together at Hogwarts, and even though they lived together in Sirius's flat for a while, Remus kept this part of himself hidden, and Sirius is seeing it for the first time. Tbh, I'd be a bit freaked the fuck out too. But I love how Sirius handles it. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. It's honestly one of the ones I'm most nervous about. lol

Chapter 19

Summary:

"Thank you," he said after a moment.
"For what?" Sirius asked, genuinely unsure as to why Remus was thanking him.
Remus gave him a weak smile. "Taking care of me," he said softly. "I'm pathetic the day after the full moon. Don't know what I'd do without you."
Sirius shrugged it off. "You take care of me literally every other day in the month," he said. "You don't need to thank me for doing the same for you."

Notes:

Okay, so this chapter focuses on the aftermath of the full moon. So, our triggers for this chapter include: vomiting, depictions of injuries, guilt and self-blame, discussions of the moment in the previous chapter between Moony and Padfoot, talk of finances, and what could technically fall under child neglect from the Lupins. Overall, it's a slightly heavy chapter on Remus's side of things because he's just That Way, but it's also got a lot of comfort in it too because Sirius is just All About Remus.

The next morning, Remus woke up cradling Padfoot close to him. He slowly sat up and looked around, his body protesting every movement. He brought a hand up to hold his pounding head as he looked at his other arm and saw the fresh pink scars. Already healed, but another mark left behind because of his curse. There was still dried blood on his skin.

He started to look for clothes, but the movement made him nauseous, so he lay back down. He pulled the dog closer to him, freezing when he heard Padfoot whine. Padfoot opened his eyes as Remus stared at him, crestfallen. He shifted back, and Sirius gasped at the pain. He gingerly rolled over so that he was facing Remus, who still looked horrified.

"I'm fine," Sirius promised him. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not," Remus whispered. "Let me see."

Sirius shook his head, not wanting Remus to see his back. "No, I promise, I'm fine," he said. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Let me see your arm."

"It's already scars," Remus whispered. He pushed himself back up and started to lift Sirius's shirt so that he could see the damage he knew he caused, even if he didn't remember doing it. Sirius closed his eyes, knowing Remus wouldn't rest until he saw. Remus let out a horrified gasp at the sight of the angry red claw marks on Sirius's back. He looked back at Sirius's face. "What did I do?" he asked before the bile rose in his throat and he quickly rolled to face the edge of the bed to vomit off the side.

Sirius carefully crawled out of bed, ignoring his pain, and went to the bathroom for a cold washcloth. He returned with it and sat next to Remus. He pressed the cold cloth onto the back of Remus's neck.

After a few minutes, when Remus was empty, and Sirius had cleared away the mess with a wave of his wand, Remus rolled onto his back. Sirius moved the cloth to his forehead. Remus reached up and took it from Sirius so he could wipe his face. When he was done, Sirius took the washcloth back, then returned to the bathroom to rinse it and bring it back, freshly cold. While he was in there, he started a bath for Remus, knowing it would help him. When he returned, Remus was sitting. Sirius sat in front of him and started to clean his face again. 

Remus gave Sirius a weak smile. Sirius kissed his forehead before he stood and held his hands out. Remus accepted the help, and Sirius pulled him to his feet before walking him to the bathroom and helping him into the tub, letting the water surround and comfort him.

Sirius dunked the washcloth into the soapy water and reached for Remus's bloody arm. He scrubbed the dried blood off as Remus stared at him. "You don't have to," Remus weakly protested.

"I know that, shut up," Sirius said before he glanced at Remus's face. "Let me take care of you for once."

Remus let out a weak chuckle. He reached up and stroked Sirius's cheek with his thumb. "You're too good to me," he said softly. "What you put up with…." Remus felt tears burn in his eyes and spill over. "Was that the first time that's happened?" he asked.

Sirius didn't need clarification. He knew exactly what that was. He nodded. "That was definitely a first," he confirmed. "Had you taken longer to wake up, I'd have brought it up to you, but, well, you were there."

Remus nodded. "Guess that confirms that Moony thinks you're his mate too," Remus said softly. "I'm sorry, that must have been…"

Sirius let out a dry chuckle. "Well, it was an experience," he said. "Not one I'm keen on repeating, but it's either that or we rip each other to shreds, so I'm not sure which one I prefer."

"Did I hurt you?" Remus asked. It was the same question he asked every month.

Sirius gave a quick shake of his head. "I'm fine," he promised. "It was more weird than anything. Canine anatomy and all."

"Your back begs to differ," Remus said softly.

Sirius glanced at him. He shrugged off the comment. "Back was from your transformation, not after," he said. "Nothing new."

Remus stared at Sirius as he dipped the washcloth back in the water. "How many of your scars are from me?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged. "Can't say," he replied, noncommittally. It was a lie, and they both knew it. Sirius had perfectly catalogued all of the scars on his own body. He knew every injury. Every mark. Remus knew this because when they were younger, Sirius had once pointed to every visible scar and told them where it had come from. Most had been Walburga's cruelty. A few were childhood scrapes.

"Yes, you can," Remus said softly.

Sirius met his gaze. "I won't," he replied. "Not going to let you shoulder that guilt. It's not your fault."

Remus blinked and turned his face away from Sirius as his tears fell. "You don't seem to understand that I already do," he whispered.

Sirius reached up and gently turned Remus's face back toward him before his mouth captured Remus's in a deep kiss. Remus couldn't help but lean into it and kiss him back. Sirius pulled away after a moment. "Don't," Sirius said, holding his gaze. "I'm fine, Remus," he said again. "I choose to be with you on the full moon, month after month after month. If it bothered me, if it were too much for me, I wouldn't be here for you. You have enough scars on your body for every full moon I couldn't be part of. This is the only thing I can do for you that makes it easier. Hurt me," he said, his chin quivering as his voice shook with the emotions he felt. "I can take it."

The tears fell in earnest now. "You shouldn't have to," Remus whispered. He started to rock in the tub. He shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. He closed his mouth and swallowed.

"And you should never have been cursed by that fucker who targeted a child when he was pissed at your father for calling him out," Sirius replied. "But this is our reality. In our reality, you need someone who can keep you from ripping your own skin to shreds. I am proud that I can be that for you," he said, his eyes locked on Remus's. More tears spilled from the werewolf's eyes. Sirius leaned in and kissed his forehead. "I love you," he said. "All the parts. All the good, all the bad, all the ugly." Sirius felt his own tears in his eyes and blinked to clear them away. “You're my Moony," he whispered. Remus closed his eyes. He responded when he felt Sirius's lips on his again.

"Help me out of here," Remus said after Sirius pulled away. Sirius nodded, pulled the drain plug, and helped Remus to his feet. He grabbed a towel and helped dry Remus off before he helped the werewolf back to bed. Remus sighed when he was lying down once more.

Sirius sat next to him and stroked his cheek with his thumb. "Tea?" he asked.

Remus nodded. Sirius leaned in and kissed his forehead before he stood and made his way down the stairs. He unlocked the door with a wave of his hand, a trick he hadn't shown anyone else yet. He didn't need his wand for every tiny thing, just most of them. He continued through to the kitchen, where he put the kettle on and started the coffee maker. He pulled out a tray and set a mug on it with a fresh bag, ready to go. While he waited, he also grabbed some chocolate for Remus and put it on the tray as well. His eyes drifted to the floor in the living room, remembering that Remus had damaged it the night before. The claw marks were a stark blemish compared to the rest of the wood. Sirius did use his wand this time and repaired the damage before Remus could see it.

The kettle whistled, so Sirius poured the hot water into Remus's cup. He grabbed a couple of extra tea bags and set them on the tray with the kettle, in case Remus wanted more before it got cold. He then set about pouring himself a cup of coffee and fixing it up. He took a drink before he set it on the tray as well. He looked at the fridge, contemplating whether he was hungry enough to eat. He chewed his lip for a moment before he decided that he'd eat later, then picked up the tray to carry upstairs.

Sirius sat down on the bed with the tray in his hands as Remus pushed himself up. He set the tray on the bed before he grabbed his coffee and took a drink. Remus picked up his tea and inhaled the calming blend before he took a sip.

"Need anything else?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head. "You're not eating again?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "In a bit," he said. He took another drink of his coffee before he set it on the table next to his side of the bed.

"Let me see your back again?" Remus asked.

"It's nothing," Sirius replied. "I promise."

"Then let me look, please," Remus asked.

Sirius nodded before he pulled his shirt up over his head, wincing as the fabric scraped against the wound. He leaned forward so that Remus could look at it and closed his eyes when he felt Remus's hand on his back. He looked over as Remus reached for his wand and opened his mouth to protest – Remus was his weakest the morning after a full moon and didn't need to be casting magic, after all – but the silent glare from Remus stopped him in his tracks. Remus cast a minor healing spell on Sirius's back, and he felt instant relief from the burning of the wounds.

"Thank you," Sirius had the sense to say.

"What did I do?" Remus asked, asking from a place of confusion rather than guilt.

Sirius thought back. "It was when you were transforming," he said. "Toward the end, before it really takes hold," he said. "Middle of the fight. Just raked your claws down my back."

Remus frowned. "I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head. He reached for his tea and took another sip. He laid his head back against the pillows after he put the cup back down. He closed his eyes for a moment, his hand still on Sirius's back. "Thank you," he said after a moment.

"For what?" Sirius asked, genuinely unsure as to why Remus was thanking him.

Remus gave him a weak smile. "Taking care of me," he said softly. "I'm pathetic the day after the full moon. Don't know what I'd do without you."

Sirius shrugged it off. "You take care of me literally every other day in the month," he said. "You don't need to thank me for doing the same for you."

"Yes, I do," Remus countered. He picked his head back up and looked at Sirius. "Precious few people would lift a finger to help me," he said. "My own parents, for as much as they loved me, didn't do half of what you do," he said. "They literally locked me in a shed to keep me from everyone else. Toward the end, my father couldn't even help me back inside the next morning, let alone help me take a bath. Yet, here you are, taking the abuse and cleaning me up afterward. You put up with so much."

Sirius shook his head. "You're not as difficult as you think you are," he said. "Moony's got nothing on Walburga. Besides, between the two of us, I'm the difficult one."

Remus chuckled. "You are not," he argued.

Sirius raised his pierced eyebrow. "You haven't taken me anywhere nice yet," he said. "You don't know."

Remus's face fell. "I can't," he whispered.

"Oh, shut up, yes, you can," Sirius replied. "I already told you."

Remus shook his head. "It'd be you paying for it," he protested. "That's not me taking you out."

Sirius shook his head. "First of all, it doesn't matter," he said. "I already told you that my money is our money now." He smiled at Remus. "Congratulations, you're rich."

"Wait–"

"We'll make it official when we can get to London," Sirius continued, not letting Remus protest. "I'm going to make sure you have a key to my vault. Take what you want out of it, I don't care. Just money."

"Just money?" Remus asked. Sirius could see his face turn pink. "Sirius, I don't live this way because I want to, I do it because I don't have a fucking choice!" he cried. "Everything I have is because of you and James! You guys bought this cabin, and furnished it, so that I could be close enough to him in case something happened, but isolated enough to not scare the piss out of the entirety of Godric's Hollow! It's not just money!"

Sirius held up his hand. "I'm sorry," he said. "My silver spoon is showing. You're right," he agreed. "It's not just money, and I shouldn't say it like that. What I mean," he said as he watched the pink fade from Remus's face, "is that I have too much of it," he explained. "I don't have to work. Our kids – if we have them – won't have to work, and neither will theirs. I have generational wealth and, with what Reggie said, when Orion goes, I'll get a bit of that too. It'll be practically two-thirds of the entire Black family fortune."

Remus frowned. "You have another uncle," he said.

Sirius nodded. "And he's the poorest of the lot of them," he said. "Besides, his money's going to Bella and Cissy," he explained. "Uncle Alphie had the most, seeing as he didn't have any kids, and he left his lot to me."

Remus stared at Sirius for a moment. "Okay, but… we have to be married before I can get a key, don't we?" he asked. "The goblins aren't just going to let you give another key to someone."

Sirius nodded. "Very true," he agreed. "Especially the vaults belonging to the Sacred Twenty-Eight," Sirius added with a disgusted face. He shook his head. "Anyway, I was thinking we could get the paperwork out of the way when we go to the Ministry for court?" he slowly asked. "If you're okay with that?"

Remus tilted his head to the side. "Did– Did you just propose to me?" he asked.

Sirius grinned. "I did," he confirmed.

Remus let out a breathy chuckle. "Um… I think I need a second to process this," he said.

"Okay, good," Sirius said before he leaned over and opened the drawer of the bedside table. He pulled out a small box and turned on the bed to face Remus. He opened the box and shook his hair out of his face. "Give me a second to do this properly."

Remus's jaw went slack as he stared at Sirius. "You planned this?" he asked.

"Not quite this way, but yeah," he said. He held up the box. Remus could see a gold ring inside with an intricate design carved into the metal. "Will you marry me?" Sirius asked with a grin.

Remus laughed. "Yes," he said before Sirius giggled and took the ring out of the box. He slipped it onto Remus's left ring finger. It automatically sized itself to fit his hand.

"You need to make sure to take it off for your transformations," Sirius advised. "Pretty sure Moony won't like the metal on his toes."

Remus nodded as he stared at the ring on his finger. "Okay," he said softly.

"Also, it's charmed so it can't fall off, can't be taken off by anyone other than you – or me, since I put it there – and it's indestructible."

Remus stared at Sirius. "Do I even want–"

"No," Sirius said quickly. "You really don't," he continued. "It was my uncle's," he explained. "He gave it to me after his partner passed away – the one everyone in the family just called a friend, but was obviously much more. He told me that he wanted me to give it to the wizard I chose to marry. It was always going to be yours," Sirius said softly, reaching for Remus's hand and holding it. "Even if you and I never got this far. There was no one else I would have chosen for it."

Remus's breaths were shallow. "You're giving me an heirloom that you're saying I don't want to know the value of?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "I'm giving you everything I have," he said. "Heart, body, worldly possessions – fuck, take my life if you need it that badly. I'd give you the moon so it would never torment you again if I could, Remus," he said softly, reaching up with his other hand to stroke Remus's cheek with his thumb. "It's yours."

Remus blinked as fresh tears threatened him. "I really should have said something sooner," he said with a dry laugh.

Sirius chuckled. "Is this a bad time to mention who really bought your cabin?" he asked.

Remus's eyes snapped back at him. "You didn't," he said. 

"James is rich, but not ancient-pureblood-family rich," Sirius said softly. "Doing this would have hurt him. So, yes, I did."

Remus stared at Sirius for a moment, his mouth hanging open. He looked around the room. "All of it?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Everything, yes," he confirmed. "We told you that it was both of us because we didn't want you to feel indebted."

More tears fell from Remus's eyes. "You–" his voice cracked.

Sirius brought his hand up to his mouth and kissed Remus's fingers. "I told you, I've always loved you," he said. "I wanted to make sure you were safe."

Remus pulled Sirius toward him, into a kiss. He poured every ounce of gratitude he felt into the kiss, hoping Sirius would understand what he didn't have the words to say. Thank you, and I don't deserve this, and I love you. His fingers tangled in Sirius's jet black curls. Sirius poured everything into the kiss as well. You're welcome, and I'd do it again, and I love you. He pulled away from the kiss, breathing hard, and awkwardly leaning half over the tray and half over Remus with his hand braced against the wall behind the bed. He reached up with his other hand and cupped Remus's face in his palm. He smiled down at Remus. "I love you," he said softly.

Remus stared at him with tears in his eyes. "I love you," he whispered through them.

Sirius lowered his mouth to Remus's one more time. They kissed deeply, and Sirius wished that Remus wasn't feeling so weak from the full moon because he would have loved to go further than just a kiss – not that it was ever just a kiss between them. He pulled back again, adjusting himself in his pants as he sat back down. He reached for his coffee to take a drink and give his body a moment to calm down.

Remus stared at the ring on his finger. He looked back at Sirius as he set his coffee aside. "Are you going to make me sign a prenup?" he asked, half-joking.

Sirius stared at him in confusion. "What the fuck is a prenup?" he asked.

Remus let out another breathy chuckle. "It's… It's a Muggle thing," he said. He scratched at his forehead. "Basically a contract – You know what?" he asked. "Never mind. Doesn't even matter."

"A contract?" Sirius asked. "Between us? The fuck would we need a contract for?"

Remus shook his head, realizing he'd have to explain. "If we were Muggles, you'd have me sign one so that if we were to divorce, I couldn't walk away with half of everything you have unless certain criteria were met."

Sirius stared at Remus with a look on his face as if he'd smelled something foul. "Do… Do Muggles get married expecting to divorce?" he asked.

"The divorce rate among Muggles is approximately fifty percent, so I'd imagine a lot of them do," Remus explained.

Sirius shook his head. "That's… wow," he said. He suddenly looked at Remus with fear in his eyes. "Moony, you're not…"

"No," Remus quickly replied. "No, I'm not leaving you for anything," he assured Sirius. "I wouldn't marry you if I had any doubts."

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. "You know, it's probably a bad omen to talk about divorce when I literally just asked you to marry me, so we're changing the subject now," he said. "First thing we need to do is update your wardrobe," he said without missing a beat. "This whole I'm-going-to-wear-my-clothes-until-they're-rags thing is hot for you, not gonna lie, but we need to spruce it up a bit."

"My clothes are fine!" Remus protested.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You've literally been wearing some of your shirts since you were fifteen," he said. "You need new clothes."

Remus made a face. "Fine," he agreed. "But we're not going overboard."

Sirius grinned. "I love shopping," he said. He gasped and looked at Remus with wide, bright eyes. "Can we get new furniture?" he asked.

Remus laughed. "So I can destroy it?" he asked.

Sirius waved that comment off as well. "We can repair it," he said. "I already fixed the floor downstairs. And –"

"What happened to the floor?" Remus asked.

"Oh!" Sirius said. "You may have damaged it last night," he said.

Remus sighed. "Lovely."

"I already fixed it," Sirius promised. "Anyway, if it comes down to it, we can build a little wolf den for you so that you can transform there," he said. "Or we can keep the cottage for your transformations and get a house somewhere that's new, and you just don't transform in it."

Remus chuckled. "You've lived in that shabby apartment with broken and mismatched furniture for years," he said. "Why the sudden desire for an overhaul?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Don't crush a girl's dream," he said. "Besides, that was my uncle's place. Never felt like mine. I didn't spend money on it because I could never decide if I was going to keep it. I want to build a home with you, Remus," he said. "Not just have a place to live."

Remus chuckled. "Okay, we can go shopping," he agreed. Sirius grinned. "We can even look at houses, but we might run into trouble on account of me being a moody bitch, so just keep that in mind."

Sirius scoffed. "I can literally buy our way out of problems," he protested. "Stupid rich, remember?"

Remus smiled, hoping Sirius was right.

Notes:

THEY'RE ENGAGED!!! 💜💜💜 I love them so much, and I feel like this is just such a Sirius way to propose. So off-handed. He's like, I'm going to get you a key to my vault, which Remus realizes means that they have to be married for because of the rules, and he's just like, wait. lol And you best BELIEVE Reggie's gonna have words about it.

Chapter 20

Summary:

"James and Regulus are here?" he asked.
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, came over a few minutes ago," he explained. "Reggie wanted to make sure I was okay, I guess. Still having trouble wrapping his head around me being around a werewolf on a full moon. He's really upset right now, so I was going to give him some tea and maybe a little chocolate. I know we need to get more, but I've never seen him like this."
Remus nodded. "Yeah, no problem," he agreed. "What's got him so upset? Is he okay?"
Sirius smiled. "He's having a meltdown about caring about people," he said softly, his voice filled with pride over how far Regulus had come in such a short time.
"Ah," Remus said with a slight chuckle. "Bitch, that one," he agreed.

Notes:

Not too much as far as triggers on this chapter. As a brief rundown, there are light touches on child abuse/trauma, physical pain and injury, implied SA mention, and a recounting of how Remus was cursed. This one is a dialogue-heavy chapter.

Also, yes, hi, two chapters in one day. Because I felt like it. You're welcome. 😘

That afternoon, Sirius heard a knock at the door. He looked at Remus, who had fallen asleep, and slowly got out of bed so as to not wake him. He grabbed his cigarettes from the nightstand and put them in his pocket before he walked out of the room and made his way downstairs. He opened the door to find Regulus and James on the other side.

"See?" James said as Sirius stepped out onto the porch, closing the door behind him. "I told you. He's fine."

Sirius chuckled as he let go of the door. He looked at his younger brother. "You were worried about me?" he asked.

Regulus nodded. "You were with a werewolf on the full moon," he said.

Sirius nodded. "Same as I am every month," he reminded his brother. "There was also an eclipse last night."

Regulus frowned. "What does that have to do with it?" he asked. "Lunar eclipses are always full moons."

"Remus keeps his mind during the eclipse," Sirius explained.

"But that's after the transformation," Regulus argued. "Which is when he's the most dangerous."

Sirius nodded again. "I was already in animal form before the moon rose," he said. He nodded his head toward James. "Didn't he explain to you how we do things?" he asked.

Regulus shrugged his shoulders. "Kind of," he said. "He said that you take the brunt of it, though."

Sirius nodded. "As the only other predator in the group, yes," he confirmed.

Regulus's eyes narrowed on Sirius. "He doesn't hurt you?" he asked.

"Oh, he hurts me plenty," Sirius replied. "I'm very sore today, but I'm fine. No permanent injuries. No lasting effects. All wounds are already healed. Probably a couple new scars on my back, but I'm fine."

Regulus studied Sirius, trying to decide if he was telling the truth or not. He sighed. "I don't like it," he said finally.

Sirius gave his brother a tense smile. "Reggie, this is really the one aspect of my life that I don't want your opinion on," he said. "I've been doing this for nearly eight years now, and my relationship with Remus is just that. Mine. I'm going to marry him. He's not going anywhere. Please respect that."

Regulus sighed. "I mean… I do," he said. "And I'm going to help you with the potion, so…" 

Sirius nodded. "Thank you," he said.

"I just…." Regulus rubbed his forehead. "What if you're not a dog in time?" he asked. "What if something does happen?"

Sirius gave him a patient smile. "I always am, Reggie," he promised. "Even if I'm not ahead of time, there's a period at the beginning of the transformation when Remus is in so much pain that he can't do anything but writhe, and I have plenty of time to switch. It only takes a few seconds, and I would never be within reach that close to moon rise without being Padfoot. My goal, during his transformations, is to make sure that he doesn't rip himself apart," he said. Regulus's eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open. "I willingly take the damage from him because, most of the time, my injuries as Padfoot don't come through when I shift back."

"But sometimes they do," Regulus said softly.

Sirius nodded. "Sometimes," he confirmed. "But not often enough that it makes a difference.

"So what happened last night?" Regulus asked.

"Yeah, how'd it go?" James asked, echoing Regulus's question.

"Fine," Sirius replied, choosing to keep some of the details from them. "The eclipse started shortly after he finished transforming, and we basically slept the whole night."

"Aww, that sounds nice," James said with a smile. "Little puppy pile," he added with a grin.

Sirius chuckled. "Oh!" he said, smiling wider. "We're officially engaged now."

"He didn't ask me!" Regulus protested at the same time James cried, "It's been two weeks!"

Sirius pointed at Regulus. "That's because I asked him," he said. He then pointed at James. "Shut up, it's been eight years."

"You haven't been together for eight years, you've only known him for nine!" James cried.

Sirius scoffed. "Please, we've been together pretty much the whole time. Oh, also, Prongs, I told him the truth about the cabin."

James gaped at Sirius. "How did he take it?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged. "As well as expected. He was a bit upset, but accepted it."

James shook his head. "I can't believe you told him," he said.

Regulus reached out and swatted at Sirius's shoulder. "I wanted that," he said.

Sirius gave his brother an apologetic smile. "I know, I didn't mean to take that away from you," he said. "I'm sorry. It just kind of happened this morning when we were talking about something tangentially related."

Regulus made the same face he usually wore when he didn't understand something. "What's tangentially related to that?" he asked.

"Finances," Sirius replied. He looked at James. "Which was part of the cabin conversation," he added.

Regulus blanched. "Oh, no, you didn't," he whispered.

Sirius grinned. "We were talking about how much of a diva I am, and I told him that he really doesn't understand because he hasn't taken me anywhere nice yet," he explained. "I mean, for obvious reasons, of course. We've only been officially together for a couple of weeks, and there's been a lot going on. There just hasn't been an opportunity to go anywhere. Then he made a comment about how he can’t take me anywhere without me paying for it, so I told him to just use my money. Led to me making another comment I brushed off, he got offended, and I told him that everything I have is his too, and I'll get him a key to my vault."

Regulus frowned. "Your vault is one of the oldest in Gringotts," he said in a low voice. "You have to be married or related by blood to get a key."

Sirius nodded. "Exactly," he confirmed. "So that's how that happened."

Regulus sighed. "Merlin, why are you so dumb?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "I'm flighty and impulsive, but I'm not stupid," he argued. "I've always promised that I'd help take care of him. One of the first things I did was buy him this cabin. We didn't want him to know it was just me buying everything, so we told him that James went in on it too. Made it easier for him to accept it. James and I have always taken turns making sure he has groceries or anything else he needs. We've always promised to look out for him."

"Why?" Regulus asked. "I mean, before now, obviously."

"Because we care about him," James answered before Sirius could. "Remus is another brother to me," he continued. "For Sirius, there's obviously a lot of love involved. Why wouldn't we take care of our family?" he asked.

Regulus shook his head, still frowning. "But he's not?" he said, still sounding unsure.

"Not by blood, of course not," James agreed. "But we have chosen families, or 'Found Families,' and we have the families we're born into. Growing up together at Hogwarts, we all became really good friends. Up until recently, I even considered Peter my brother. Remus is part of the family that we found together."

Sirius nodded. "Couldn't have said it better myself," he agreed.

"Huh," Regulus said, sounding thoughtful. He met Sirius's eyes. "Is that why you always say Mother and Father aren't family?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Walburga and Orion might as well be strangers, for all the love I have for them," he explained. "They rejected me, so I rejected them. James and his family took me in. Uncle Alphie set me up for life. Remus is the one person I want to tie myself to forever. Fuck, even Lily and Marleen are like the sisters I never had."

"So where do I fit in?" Regulus asked, his voice slightly trembling. "You have a brother, you have parents, you have a spouse, and you even have sisters. What about me?"

Sirius felt his heart break, realizing that his own brother didn't know how important he was to him. "Reggie, you're my brother," he said. "Even more than anyone else, because you were always there. I literally have you tattooed on my body," Sirius said. Regulus looked at him in surprise. "No matter what, Reggie, I love you," Sirius said.

"You have a tattoo for me?" Regulus asked in a soft voice.

Sirius pulled his shirt up to expose the Leo constellation tattooed on his ribs. Regulus stared at it for a moment before he looked back at Sirius, eyes shimmering with tears. Sirius let his shirt drop and pulled his brother into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around Regulus. "Shh," he whispered as Regulus's shoulders shook. "It's okay, Reggie, I'm right here."

"I don't know how to do this, Siri," Regulus cried, using the nickname he used for Sirius when they were children. Sirius closed his eyes, feeling his own tears well up as tears streamed down Regulus's face. Regulus gasped for air. "I don't know if I can!" he cried. "Why do I care this much?"
Sirius held on a little tighter. "Because, Reggie, you're being brave."

Regulus shook his head. "It hurts too much," he gasped. "I don't wanna be brave…"

Sirius sighed, closing his eyes again. He felt the tears leak out onto his cheeks as James reached out and rubbed Regulus's back. "I know, Reggie," Sirius whispered. "I know." He thought for a moment. Inside, he could offer tea and chocolate, but Remus always felt so terrible after a full moon, and Sirius didn't want to disturb him. He needed to rest. But… Regulus needed Sirius.

Remus would understand, Sirius reminded himself.

"Tell you what," he said, making up his mind. "Come inside. Be quiet while I go check on Remus, and then you and I will talk some more," he said. Regulus nodded.

"Reg, do you want me to go?" James asked.

Regulus shook his head and let Sirius go to turn to James. He reached for him, and James pulled him into another hug. "Please don't leave," Regulus softly pleaded with his head resting on James's shoulder.

James adjusted the way he held Regulus so that he could brush the tears from his cheeks. "I won't leave," he promised.

Quietly, the three of them went back inside. Sirius made his way upstairs to see that Remus's eyes were open.

"Hey," Sirius said, his voice soft. "How are you?"

Remus closed his eyes. "I hurt," he replied.

Sirius grabbed a potion out of his bedside table and sat on the bed next to Remus. "Here," he said. "Pain potion. Very strong. Only take a little."

Remus sat up as Sirius uncorked the bottle and handed it to him. He took the bottle from Sirius and drank a small sip before he passed it back, grimacing at the taste.

"Tastes like shit, yeah?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. Sirius put the cork back in the bottle before he set it on Remus's table. "I'll leave it here for you in case you need a bit more," he said. "Should be pretty potent, but if it doesn't do the trick, try another sip in an hour or so."

Remus nodded. "Thank you," he said as Sirius reached out and stroked his cheek with his thumb. Remus tilted his head to the side, listening to something Sirius couldn't hear. "James and Regulus are here?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, came over a few minutes ago," he explained. "Reggie wanted to make sure I was okay, I guess. Still having trouble wrapping his head around me being around a werewolf on a full moon. He's really upset right now, so I was going to give him some tea and maybe a little chocolate. I know we need to get more, but I've never seen him like this."

Remus nodded. "Yeah, no problem," he agreed. "What's got him so upset? Is he okay?"

Sirius smiled. "He's having a meltdown about caring about people," he said softly, his voice filled with pride over how far Regulus had come in such a short time.

"Ah," Remus said with a slight chuckle. "Bitch, that one," he agreed. Sirius noticed that his eyes seemed brighter already, and his body wasn't nearly as tense as it had been when he'd first sat up.

"Right?" Sirius agreed. "Feeling better?" he asked.

Remus nodded. "Yeah, a bit," he said. "That's a quick potion."

Sirius nodded. "It's one of my favorites," he agreed. "Kicks in fast and lasts quite a while. That's why I said to wait before taking another dose, if you need it."

Remus nodded. "Makes sense," he agreed.

Sirius sighed. "I should get back to them," he said softly. Remus nodded. "I wanted to come check on you and see if you needed anything before I got wrapped up in them," he said. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay," he replied.

"You need anything?" Sirius asked.

Remus smiled at him. "Just you," he replied. "But Regulus needs you too, and you can't take care of both of us at the same time."

Sirius ran his hand through Remus's hair. The werewolf closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. "No, but I'm still going to try," he said softly. "Do you want to try to come down?" he asked. "Need the bathroom or more tea or chocolate?"

Remus leaned toward Sirius and put his head on his shoulder. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, holding him close for a moment. "Potion is doing well, so I just need to get some clothes on," he said. "I'll be down in a little bit. Go on," he said, nudging Sirius. "Go take care of your little brother."

Sirius tilted Remus's face toward his, and they kissed deeply for a moment. Remus's hand came up, his fingers tangling in Sirius's hair. Sirius let out a moan before he slowly pulled away. "Okay," he said with a smile. Remus chuckled. "We'll be downstairs if you feel up to it," he said. "I'll come check on you in a bit if you haven't surfaced."

Remus nodded. "I love you," he said.

Sirius smiled and kissed him again. "I love you," he replied before he stood and left the room, closing the bedroom door behind him. He padded back down the stairs and walked past James and Regulus, who sat cuddled together on the couch. He filled the kettle and put it on the stove to make tea, then opened the cupboard for a chocolate bar. He returned to his brother and best friend, holding the chocolate bar out for Regulus.

Regulus stared at it for a moment before he looked up at Sirius in confusion. "I don’t want any candy, thanks,” he said.

"Eat it, you'll feel better," Sirius promised.

Regulus frowned in confusion as he slowly reached up and took the candy. "It's literally just chocolate," he said. "How will this help me feel better?"

"It works miracles," James said with a grin. Regulus stared at him as though he'd grown a second head. "I'm serious–"

"No, I am," Sirius cut in.

James grinned at him. "Eat it," he encouraged Regulus. "You really will feel better."

Regulus sighed before he opened the wrapper and took a small bite. Sirius grinned as he saw the amazement slowly spread across his brother's face. He stared at the chocolate for a moment before he looked between James and Sirius. "What the fuck?" he asked.

James nodded rapidly. "Right?" he asked. "That was my reaction too."

"How does this work?" Regulus asked. He looked at Sirius. "Is it enchanted or something?"

Sirius shook his head. "Just regular chocolate," he promised. "Totally unexpected, but yeah, it's great."

"How do you know about this?" Regulus asked.

"Remus," Sirius simply replied. "He goes through more chocolate than literally anyone I know. Helps him get through the full moons."

Regulus shook his head and took another bite. He looked at James once he'd swallowed it. "Chocolate," he said. "All the time."

James nodded. "There's already a supply," he promised. "Always keep it on hand in case Moony were to run out."

"I mean it," Regulus said, raising his eyebrows. "We run out of chocolate and don't have it when I need it, it's on you. I may not stop myself from getting one of my knives."

James chuckled. "I understand," he promised, though there was a look in his eyes that told Sirius that James may not be as afraid of Regulus's knives as his brother wanted him to be.

"Anyway," Regulus said, looking back up at Sirius. "I'm sorry about that," he said. "The whole crying thing." He shook his head. "Didn't mean to fall apart on you."

Sirius shook his head. "Don't apologize for your emotions, Reggie," he said. "You're allowed to feel your feelings. This is the real world now, not Grimmauld."

Regulus let out a bitter chuckle. "Yeah, no shit," he sighed. "You know, they really did us dirty," he said, a shadow crossing his pale gray eyes. "Didn't prepare us for shit. Didn't teach us anything outside of dark magic and cruelty. Like… they never should have had kids."

"Right?" Sirius agreed with a laugh. "But they did, because Uncle Cygnus only had girls, so here we are. Bread to carry on the name. Joke’s on them though, yeah?" he asked. Regulus nodded as he chuckled. "Now it's up to us to fix ourselves," Sirius said softly. "Thankfully, we have a little help with that."

Regulus looked at James before he looked back at Sirius. "And each other," he said.

Sirius nodded. "That too," he agreed.

The tea kettle whistled, so Sirius walked back into the kitchen and made himself busy getting the tea ready. James moved the coffee table back into place as Sirius returned with four cups of tea. Regulus looked at him, curious, when he noticed the fourth cup, but then heard the door upstairs open. He looked at Sirius. "How did you know?" he asked.

Sirius smiled and looked at the stairs before he walked over to them. He looked up to see Remus gripping the banister tightly as he carefully made his way down. Sirius met him halfway up and helped steady him the rest of the way before he guided Remus to the nearby chair and helped him sit. Remus nodded at James and Regulus as Sirius passed him one of the cups of tea.

James gave Remus a worried look. "Rough night?" he asked. "Sirius said it wasn't bad."

Remus sipped his tea before he gave James a small smile. "Not bad and completely painless are two very different things," he said. He looked at Sirius. "Was the fight that bad?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "Not the worst it's been," he said. "You threw me into the banister, though."

Remus stared at him with wide eyes. "I did?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, but I'm fine. Sore, like you – well, not as bad as you, but I'm fine." He kissed Remus's forehead. Remus looked at him apologetically as Sirius pulled one of the extra dining chairs over to Remus's chair and sat down. "I'm fine," Sirius insisted for what had to be the hundredth time that day. He ran his fingers through Remus's hair, causing him to close his eyes briefly. "I know better than to lie to you," Sirius said softly. He rubbed Remus's cheek with his thumb.

Remus kissed his palm. "Okay," he said.

Sirius rested his hand at the base of Remus's neck, knowing how much physical touch helped him feel better. He looked at Regulus. "Feeling better?" he asked.

Regulus nodded as he put his tea down, having already eaten the rest of the chocolate. "That helped a lot," he said.

Remus smiled. "It does that," he said. 

"Where did you find out about it?" Regulus asked. "They said they got it from you."

"My dad," Remus said with a soft smile. "Not sure where he got it from. Mum, maybe."

James frowned. "But your mum was a Muggle," he said, confused.

Remus smiled wider as he chuckled. "Muggles have some magic in them too," he said.

"So, I don't want to be a dick, but I'm really curious," Regulus said. "How did you get cursed?"

"Oh," Remus said, blinking in surprise.

"You don't have to answer," Regulus quickly added. "I'm just curious, and I didn't think it was appropriate to ask someone else."

Remus shook his head. "No, it's fine," he replied. "Honestly, I just always assume that if someone knows about me, they know how it happened, too. It's been a really long time since anyone's asked me."

"I mean, to be fair, there are only like five people who know," Sirius said.

Remus chuckled. "That's true," he agreed. He looked back at Regulus. "There was a trial, I was about four at the time," he explained. "Guy had murdered a few kids and got off." Regulus stared at him in shock. "My dad, brilliant mind that he was, figured out that Greyback was a werewolf. He worked in the Ministry, processing all of the evidence. Realized what was actually going on. Greyback's unregistered, like me," Remus confessed. Regulus's eyebrows rose. "So when the evidence showed that the kids had all been mauled by a wild animal, they dismissed the case because they had no reason to suspect. My dad started raising hell about it. Greyback found out and decided to pay us a visit one full moon. He didn't want my dad, though. He wanted me. The little boy, just like his other victims. Would have killed me, had my dad not been able to drive him off. Too late for me, though, I'd already been cursed by then."

"You– you were four?" Regulus demanded. "You survived a werewolf attack at four?"

Remus nodded. "Worst pain of my life," he said softly. "My dad suspected that Greyback might come for our family," he said softly. "Kept the aconite and silver on hand to treat any wounds. Didn't expect that he'd be using it on me. And yes, I nearly died."

"Shit," Regulus whispered. His eyes darted from Remus to Sirius. "He's a Death Eater," he said softly. "Well, not officially. Like, he doesn't get to be part of the meetings or anything, but he's definitely always hanging around. The Dark Lord doesn’t let non-wizards be official Death Eaters, which isn’t stopping him from trying to get a… promotion, so to speak, by going out of his way to do more and more things he thinks the Dark Lord would approve of. Brought his whole pack in."

Sirius nodded. "We know," he said softly. He looked at Remus with sadness in his eyes.

"I was supposed to try to bring them over to our side," Remus whispered. "Failed miserably at that one."

"Shut up, no, you didn't," Sirius argued. "You tried."

Remus looked up at him with haunted eyes. "That thing I didn't tell you about the other night?" he asked. Sirius went still as the pieces clicked into place. Remus's assault hadn't been just a night that went badly. "Yeah," he said softly.

"It was another werewolf?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. "All in the name of winning the war."

Sirius felt tears burn in his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Remus and held him tightly. It was a long moment before he let the werewolf go.

"I feel like I'm missing something here," James said softly. 

"He's talking about his assault," Regulus informed James in a soft, sad voice.

"Oh," James whispered. His eyes widened as he looked at Remus.

"Don't," Remus said before James could say anything. "Yes, it's what you're thinking of, and no, don't."

James shut his mouth. "Okay," he said.

Sirius looked between the two of them, realizing that his best friend knew far more than Sirius did. He looked back at Remus. "You realize I'm going to want more information?" he asked.

Remus nodded. "Not right now," he said.

"Okay," Sirius said, rubbing the back of Remus's neck. "When you're ready."

Remus nodded. "I know," he said softly.

Notes:

I love that Reggie is just so worried that he drags James out of the house and forces him to walk out to the cabin to check on Sirius because HE SPENT THE NIGHT OF A FULL MOON WITH A WEREWOLF AND HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY BE OKAY???? Reggie. Babes. He does this every month. It's okay. Calm down. No? Okay.

Anyway, I felt like uploading a second chapter today. Finish off the full moon bits. Next chapter is going to get on the heavier side again. Therapy is about to start. Also, keep in mind that I said before that James's SA was the only one that doesn't make a reappearance. Remus's has now been mentioned again. It may come up again later, but that means that our baby boy Reggie...

Chapter 21

Summary:

"So," she said. "This?" She held up the file that had been on the table next to her chair. She set it back down. "I know what it says," she informed him. "I know what you've been through. What I want to talk to you about isn't the events, it's how you feel about them."
"Oh, is that all?" Sirius breathily asked before he huffed a laugh.

Notes:

Trigger Warnings: Okay. Sirius goes to therapy in this chapter. He's going to talk about the whole situation with Snape. He's even going to discuss his childhood. So... Warnings GALORE. We also get to find out what's going on with Peter in this chapter. It's... well, Voldemort's not happy. So, the biggest thing here is that I believe this is the first time that Sirius explicitly calls Snape his rapist. And... Well, if you've paid attention to the things Regulus has said, about how he'd never even kissed anyone before James, then the end of the chapter has some very strong implications regarding implied SA as well, which means his story is about to come out.

Edith Mars ran her business from her home in Hogsmeade. She lived in a building a few streets away from The Three Broomsticks, which was the next place Sirius planned to go. She had asked him to wait in the sitting room while she was with another client. The sitting room was covered in floral patterns. Floral wallpaper, floral sofa and matching chairs, a floral rug over the plush green carpet, there were even flowers on the coffee table and mantle Sirius found himself pacing in front of. He felt his anxiety creeping up. He'd never been to therapy before. He didn't know what to expect from the woman. She had mentioned that she had read his victim statement, so she knew what had happened to him. Did he start with that? Did he start with something else? Would it be okay to just sit and talk about the weather?

He wanted a cigarette, but there were no ashtrays around. He couldn't smoke in the sitting room. He didn't know if he could – or should – just step outside. He held one in his hand, twirling it in his fingers. He even put it in his mouth a few times without lighting it, just to see if the action would help. His stomach was a jittery bundle of nerves that made him wonder where the nearest toilet – or rubbish bin – was.

"Mr. Black?"

Sirius jumped, and his head snapped to the doorway, where he'd heard the voice. He saw Edith standing in the doorway with a smile on her face. She had coppery hair that curled around her face wildly. She wore a green pinafore dress with a white blouse underneath. Her glasses hung by the beaded string that kept them around her neck. She was barefoot, a detail that stuck out to Sirius.

He suddenly felt underdressed for his therapy session, having arrived in his typical intentionally ripped jeans and a t-shirt sporting a logo for AC/DC – another Muggle rock band Sirius loved. He had his leather jacket on too, of course, as well as his biker boots. Never left home without them. He fidgeted with the ring through his eyebrow. "Yeah," he said.

"Come with me," Edith said with a warm smile before she led Sirius down the hallway. Sirius followed her through the main floor of the house, passing a staircase that led up. She gestured to a small room. Sirius ducked through the open door, not because it was oddly short or anything, but because being that close to anyone other than his friends made him want to be smaller than he was. Edith was older; she was the one in the position of power between them, and he'd never met her. His anxiety had him so on edge, he had a brief thought that she might scold him.

The office was small, but cozy. In here, there were far fewer flowers. There was a vase with some daisies next to an overstuffed orange chair. A matching chair sat across from it with a table that had a file on it. Next to the chairs, facing the wall, was a large writing desk with even more files and a green stool. The carpet in here was just as plush and squishy as the one in the sitting room, but in here it was a rich, chocolate brown. The walls were a light sky blue.

"Have a seat," Edith said, indicating the chair next to the daisies. Sirius nodded and took a seat, his heart hammering in his chest. He flopped into the chair and twirled the cigarette around his painted fingers again. Edith sat in the chair across from him.

"So," she said. "This?" She held up the file that had been on the table next to her chair. She set it back down. "I know what it says," she informed him. "I know what you've been through. What I want to talk to you about isn't the events, it's how you feel about them."

"Oh, is that all?" Sirius breathily asked before he huffed a laugh. He swallowed the lump in his throat and decided that he'd rather eat slugs than talk about his feelings about what had happened to him. At least, if he were talking about what had happened, he could be mechanical about it. Detached. He couldn't separate himself from his feelings that easily.

Edith smiled at him. "Don't make it sound so simple," she said. "It isn't."

"Yeah, no shit," Sirius muttered. "Oh. Shit." He winced. "Am I– Do I need to watch my language in here?" he asked. 

Edith shook her head. "In this room, you're allowed to say whatever you want, however you want, and trust that it never leaves," she promised. She gestured to the cigarette twirling in his fingers. "Light it if you need to," she offered. She waved her wand at the table, and a clear glass ashtray appeared next to the daisies.

"Oh, thank you," Sirius breathed before he put the cigarette to his lips and lit it. He took a long drag and held it for a moment before he exhaled.

Edith smiled at him again. "So, tell me about the first time," she said.

Sirius sighed, exhaling another round of smoke from his lungs. "I don't remember it very well," he admitted. "Which is why I think that it may be when he cursed me. I was really drunk when it happened. Over at the Hog's Head. Um…" Sirius twisted the ring through his eyebrow as he thought back with a frown. "We argued," he said. "I'd told him that his lot wasn't welcome. Got a bit heated, then Aberforth, the owner, he told us that we needed to either split up and ignore each other or take it outside. I chose to move away from the bar and go to a table." He took another hit from his cigarette before he tapped the ashes off into the ashtray. He exhaled before he continued. "He came up to me again, and I got up to tell him to shove off and leave me alone. He punched me once, shoved me up against the wall. I thought he was going to punch me again, but instead he fucking kissed me out of nowhere. Ended up in a room upstairs with him. I know what happened, but I don't remember how it happened. Woke up next to him in the morning, wishing I could chew my bloody arm off so he wouldn't wake up. Would have loved to obliviate myself, just to erase the whole night, but I never did. Think a part of me wanted to hold onto it so it wouldn't happen again."

"But it did," Edith said softly.

Sirius nodded. He took another drag from his cigarette before he rubbed the cherry against the glass ashtray. "Yeah," he said softly. "He'd found me in another bar, practically poured Firewiskey down my throat, and then insisted that I take him back to my place. Which I did, even though I couldn't figure out why. Next morning, I woke up hungover and alone and thought it must have been a dream. Realized quickly that it wasn't."

"So, in the beginning, he had a habit of disguising this in some of your more typical behavior?" she asked.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah," he confirmed. Another drag. "I didn't even know about the curse at that point. Didn't find out about that until the end."

Edith nodded. "Okay," she said. "Let's go back to that first night, in the Hog's Head," she said. "How did you feel the next morning, aside from wanting to chew your arm off and forget the whole thing?"

Sirius sighed. He frowned. "I was really confused," he said. "Didn't remember getting the room, going upstairs, or sleeping with him, but I was naked and so was he, so obviously something had happened. I was sore. Always sore after every encounter with him, but especially the ones that I didn't remember. I had bruises I couldn't explain. Nothing major, nothing I couldn't just hide, but damage all the same…" Sirius took another drag from his cigarette and tapped the ashes off again. "I remember looking at him in the bed next to me and wanting to kill him or call the Aurors because I could see his Dark Mark, but when I tried to reach for my wand, I couldn't move. Played it off in my head by just labeling it as my anxiety, you know?" he asked. Edith nodded, a look of concern on her face. Sirius shook his head. "I was frozen, kept telling myself that I needed to move. But it wasn't until I decided to just leave instead that I was able to slip out of bed, get dressed, and just go.

"I think I walked for hours," Sirius softly continued. "Just trying to sort it all out. He and I have always hated each other. His mother had been a friend of Walburga’s before she'd married a Muggle. I'd heard about the family a thousand times and hated him before I even met him, just because Walburga's ranting about the Prince family being tarnished usually ended with her getting annoyed by something I did and beating me. So, from the second he and I met, I associated him with a lot of the abuse I'd already suffered." Sirius took another drag from his cigarette. "And, I knew that I was burying my feelings for Remus in meaningless hookups. Shit that'd never go anywhere. But him?" he asked, shaking his head. "Never in a million years would I willingly fuck him."

Edith nodded. "Okay," she said. "And that confusion never went away?" she asked.

Sirius sighed, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "Yes and no," he said. "It became such a routine that he would come over that it started to turn into more of me just being… over it? I guess. I didn't want to keep doing it, but he kept coming over, and I just started to tell myself that anyone, even him, was better than no one, even though the only one I've ever actually wanted was Remus. I- I kept telling myself that I couldn't tell anyone about it because everyone I knew also hated him, so they'd never understand. So I just kept quiet, kept opening the door, kept letting him fuck me, and I did my best to make him not want to stick around in the morning. And after he'd go, I'd just stand in the shower and scrub myself raw because I felt so… dirty," he finished with a whisper.

Edith shifted in her seat. She opened the file and glanced at it for a moment. "Who is Remus?" she asked. "He's mentioned in here, but it doesn't say what your relationship is with him."

Sirius smiled, happy to focus on his love. "He's my fiancé," he said with a breathy chuckle. "Still can't believe I get to fucking say that," he admitted. "We've known each other since we were on the train to Hogwarts in our first year," he explained. "I pretty much knew that I was in love with him by the time I was twelve, maybe thirteen. I was a chickenshit, though, and didn't have the balls to say anything to him about it. I mean, what are the odds, you know?" he asked. "There were five boys at the beginning of our first year class. One ended up transferring into the girls' dormitory. Of the four of us left over, one of us turned out to chase skirts." Edith nodded, understanding that Sirius hadn't ever believed he'd have a chance at this relationship because the odds hadn't been in his favor. "But, right after the last time Snape… raped me…." Sirius sighed before he took a final hit from his cigarette and snuffed it out. "That was when he let me know that the feelings were mutual. Then, he turned around and saved my life the next day."

Edith tapped her chin with her index finger. "Okay," she said. "So you've been in love with your friend since you were a young teenager," she said. "You decided not to discuss it with him out of fear of rejection. Instead, you went looking for physical affection from random men until your rapist found you and started abusing you. Then, immediately at the end of that, your relationship with Remus changed." Sirius nodded. Edith was thoughtful for a moment. "You mentioned your mother was abusive," she said. "What was your childhood like?"

Sirius let out a bitter laugh. "We don't have enough time for that conversation," he said.

Edith looked at her watch. "We have about thirty more minutes," she said.

Sirius sighed before he pulled his cigarettes out of his jacket. "Well," he said, lighting one up, "Walburga was a cunt who abused the fuck out of me, and Orion just sat back and watched it happen," he said, exhaling a plume of smoke. "Turned a blind eye to what was happening in the house. It wasn't great before I went to Hogwarts, but once I was Sorted into the wrong House, the gloves came off, and the abuse ramped up."

"Any siblings?" she asked.

"Reggie," Sirius replied with a smile. "He's a year younger than me. They hurt him, too, but not nearly as bad. He was as close to their Golden Child as they'd ever allow him to be." He tapped his cigarette into the ashtray repeatedly.

"So, Hogwarts was really the only safe place you had?" Edith asked.

Sirius shook his head as he exhaled. "Nah, I had the Potters, too," he said. "Spent a couple summers with them before they finally took me in after I ran away at sixteen. I turned up at their place almost in the middle of the night. Didn't have much besides my wand and the clothes on my back. Didn't even have my school supplies. They replaced everything I'd left behind, gave me a room in their house, and told me that I could stay as long as I wanted. Didn't move out until I was eighteen. That was the year my uncle died, and he left his entire estate to me."

"You had a good relationship with your uncle?" Edith asked.

Sirius took another drag before he answered. "Uncle Alphie, yeah," Sirius confirmed. "Not Cygnus. Alphie was also gay, which was the big family secret back in the day. Had a partner he'd built a life with. I was the only one in the family who acknowledged their relationship for what it was. To everyone else, Uncle Vick was always just his 'friend' who lived with him. But I was there, saw the relationship they had, the love they had. He'd take me off my parents' hands for a bit when I was a kid. Saw the way they treated me. Always wished he could just take me and keep me, but Walburga wouldn't allow it. Didn't want him to taint me. Took me a long time to realize what she meant by that. After I left home, I made sure to keep in contact with him. Wrote to him often. Knew he was dying. Went to see him and stayed with him for a couple of weeks right before he passed. Took care of him the way he always did me." Sirius felt tears burn in his eyes. "Told me he was proud of me for not being them," he said, his voice shaking. He sighed and blinked to clear away the tears before he took another drag from his cigarette.

"I hated myself for leaving Reggie in that house," he said softly. He shook his head. "Knew they'd turn on him – which they did. He just recently got out himself."

"Well, it certainly sounds like we're going to have plenty to talk about in future sessions," she said. Sirius felt his heart skip a beat. He had to do this again? "Here's what I'd like you to do before I see you again, Sirius," she said, sitting forward in her chair. Sirius sat up in his chair and took another drag from his cigarette before he put it out. "I want you to write three letters. One to each of your parents and to your rapist," she said. Sirius frowned. Writing letters to them sounded like the least enjoyable thing in the world. "In those letters, I want you to tell them everything you feel you need to say to them. Don't send the letters. Don't share them with anyone unless you really want to. After you've written them, I want you to burn them. The goal here is to get it all out of your head and onto something you're going to destroy. When you burn the letters, I want you to think about letting go of the pain they've all put you through."

Sirius nodded. "Okay," he said. "I can do that."

"Then I want you to do it again, focusing on everything you didn't say the first time," she added.

Sirius nodded. "Sure," he said.

"And I want to see you back here next week. Same day and time as today?" 

Sirius frowned. "How long are we going to be doing this?" he asked.

"You have a lot of trauma, Sirius," Edith said. "We might be doing this for a while."

"Oh," Sirius sighed. He fidgeted with his eyebrow piercing again. "So this is an ongoing thing," he said. Edith nodded. "Oh," Sirius repeated.

"That appointment sound good to you?" she asked. Sirius nodded. "Then I'll walk you out."

Edith walked Sirius out, saying farewell before she shut the door behind him. Sirius sighed before he walked down the steps leading to her front door and made his way through the streets of Hogsmeade, thinking about the first time he, Remus, James, and Peter had come here in their third year. It felt like a thousand years had passed since they had run into Zonko's to spend far more money than any of them should have been allowed to, but Sirius's uncle and James's parents had given them extra for the fun.

And then, The Three Broomsticks. Peter had had a crush on Rosmerta, so much so that he could never speak when she came to their table to take their orders. Sirius wondered what she would think now, knowing that Peter had become a Death Eater.

He opened the door to the Broomsticks and walked in. He saw Rosmerta sitting with Remus at a table. He watched her shake her head a few times and saw the sadness in her face. Sirius, as he approached them, realized that Remus must have told her some of the recent events.

She looked up at Sirius as he approached and gave him a sad smile. Remus looked up at him as well before pulling out the chair next to him for Sirius to sit in. Sirius smiled at him as he sat down. "Hey, Rose," he said.

"Sirius, I'm so sorry to hear about Peter," she said. "You must be absolutely devastated."

"Ah," Sirius sighed. "Yeah, the news was pretty upsetting," he agreed.

"We saw it in the paper this morning," Remus said before Sirius could continue. He reached for Sirius's hand under the table and gave it a gentle squeeze. "It was quite the shock," he continued. "Not quite sure we've processed it fully yet." He looked at Sirius. "Feels rather unfortunate that we weren't there to protect him this time," he said softly.

Sirius nodded. "I agree," he said, sounding remorseful even though he wasn't sure what he was agreeing to. "Absolutely gu–ow!" he hissed as Remus squeezed his hand too tightly.

Rosmerta cleared her throat. "Well, you two dears let me know if there's anything else I can get you," Rosmerta said. "For you two, it's on the house today."

Remus smiled at her. "Thanks, Rose," he said.

She stood and walked away, patting Sirius sympathetically on the shoulder as she passed. Once Sirius knew she was out of earshot, he turned to Remus, whose lips were thin and eyes were haunted. "What the fuck was that about?" he softly asked.

Remus sighed. He turned his head and leaned in close, his mouth next to Sirius's ear. "Peter's body was found yesterday, completely brutalized and gutted."

Sirius whipped his head to stare at Remus. "What the fuck?" he whispered.

Remus nodded. "Apparently, it was in the paper this morning. Rosmerta saw it. Thought we knew. I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth about him. She always thought his crush on her was adorable."

Sirius was silent for a moment. "What the fuck…" he whispered again. He shook his head. "Thanks for that, just now. Just about made things worse."

Remus nodded. "Of course," he said softly. He reached into his denim jacket and pulled out a folded bit of parchment. "She came over specifically to drop this off for you," he said. "Stayed to say how sorry she was about Peter."

Sirius took the parchment from him, frowning. He looked at it as he opened it.

 

S–

RedcaR taKen CaRe of. Sorry You Couldn't Join Us.

–MM

 

"It's from Marleen," Sirius said. He always knew it was her by the way she capitalized random letters. He folded the note and put it back in his pocket. "Do we know what happened?" he asked.

"Apparently, Mary's up in room six," Remus said. "Needs to speak to you about something."

Sirius sighed. He took a drink from his fiancé’s pint of butterbeer before he kissed Remus's cheek and slipped back off the chair he'd just sat down on. He passed Rosmerta as she carried a tray over to a group of people at one of the tables. He returned her sad smile, wishing that she wouldn't feel sorry for the bastard, and made his way up to the upper floor. He stopped in front of room six and knocked three times, then twice, then twice more. After a moment, the door opened, and Mary stood in the doorway.

"Sirius, come in," she said. "Glad you got my message."

Sirius nodded as he stepped into the room. Mary closed the door behind him, then spelled it to make sure no one could hear anything.

Sirius gave her a confused look. There was nothing left of the awkward boy she used to be. Now, she had black curls that rivaled his own, coming down to the middle of her back. Her olive skin had a healthy glow to it, and her brown eyes were warm. She wore a tight skirt and a blouse. He noticed her robes were laid out across the bed.

"Two things," Sirius said before she could speak again. "One, please let me borrow that outfit sometime," he begged. "And two, what's going on?" he asked. "The note was from Marleen, but you're here waiting for me. I'm confused."

Mary smiled at him, but he could tell she was anxious. "First: Not on your life. It's Lily's favorite. You're not woman enough for this," she said, making him chuckle. "Second… I was in Redcar," she said. "I was on the team that handled it."

Sirius's brow furrowed. "What happened?" he asked.

"Would you believe me if I told you that it was a poor old witch running an orphanage?" she asked. Sirius grew even more confused. "Yeah, none of us understood the assignment either," she explained. "At least, not until she told us why she was a target."

"I'm all ears," Sirius said as he sat down on one of the chairs in the room. Mary joined him, sitting in the other chair.

"He's trying to collect all of the pureblood kids," Mary explained. Sirius's eyes widened. "I'm not sure if he's recruiting, or if he's trying to raise a new generation, or maybe he's even trying to end bloodlines. No one knows. But, get this, she said that a man came to the orphanage about three weeks ago, asking her for all the purebloods. She refused – obviously – and told him to get fucked. Well, not in those words, but you get it. Anyway, after that, she said he started threatening the orphanage, making creepy shit happen, and promised that it would all stop if she just handed over the kids."

Sirius shifted in his chair. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked. "I mean, not that I don't appreciate the update, but the last one was just a note by owl, not a personal delivery complete with backstory."

"Right," Mary sighed. "This would be the hard part," she confessed. She reached for her purse on the table next to them and pulled out a photograph. She slid it, face down, across the table. Sirius frowned at her before he picked up the photo and then nearly dropped it in shock. The face in the photo could have been his own. The eyes were right, the angles of his face, the paleness of his skin…. He was a toddler… barely three years old by the look of things. "The fuck is this?" he demanded, looking from the photograph to her and then back.

"Meet Rigel Orion Black," Mary said softly.

Sirius gaped at her. "I'm sorry, who?" he demanded. He looked back at the photo. "This kid is three years old, Mary," he said. She nodded. "Who are his parents?"

"According to the record?" Mary asked. Sirius nodded. "Alecto Carrow… and Regulus Black."

Sirius recoiled as if he'd been burned. He scrambled out of the chair, backing away from her. "No," he said, tears burning his eyes. "Mary, please, no," he begged.

Mary reached back into her purse and pulled out a folder. She held it out to Sirius. His hand shook as he took it from her and opened it. He looked inside and saw the information from the orphanage. There, in paper and ink, was his brother's name. Sirius closed the folder. "I don't…. Mary, please tell me this isn't real."

"I wish I could, Sirius," Mary replied. "Dumbledore doesn't even know yet. I saw the kid. Saw his file. Lily said that you and your brother reconnected recently, that he's turned to our side. I figured coming to you was the best thing here."

Sirius took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. He opened the folder again and looked through the information. There was the child's name. He was three years old. Abandoned by mother at birth, who provided father's information. Demanded no contact with either parent. No reason for abandonment.

He closed the folder again. "Where is he?" he asked, his voice breaking.

"Lily and I have him right now," Mary said. "We can keep him if Regulus wants nothing to do with him. We'll never even tell him the truth. If Regulus wants him, we'll of course give him to him."

Sirius looked at the folder, at Mary, at the folder, and then at Mary one last time. "I'll talk to him, but I don't know, Mary," he said. "Reggie, he– He's… Oh, fuck!" he cried, standing up. The pieces were falling into place. The haunted looks in Regulus's eyes. The admission to being a victim himself. Sirius could only imagine what it must all mean.

"It's no rush, Sirius," she said softly.

Sirius nodded. Tears fell from his eyes. "Don't tell anyone," he whispered. "Please," he begged.

Mary nodded. "I hadn't planned on it," she promised.

Sirius nodded. "I need to go," he said before he grabbed the photo from the table and slipped it into the folder. He rushed down the stairs and up to the table where Remus still sat. He looked up at Sirius's stricken face. "We need to go," he said. "I need to talk to Reggie. Now."

"Sirius?" Remus asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Now," he repeated, his voice shaking with emotion.

Notes:

I can't leave this chapter on that cliff. You guys know I can't. That's why today is a double drop. Sirius is just in full protec mode right now. He's the goodest doggo. And the fact that he doesn't even tell Remus first? That he's just like, "I NEED to get to Reggie FUCKING NOW" is just like... ugh. When I tell you that I don't control my writing, my characters do, this is the kind of thing that makes me just stop and stare at the screen when I finish. There are typically two types of writers: Planners and Pantsers. Planners have everything plotted out. Pantsers just sit down and write. I try to have a general idea of what I'm doing, but for the most part, I just let the story flow. That puts me in the Pantser category. This part, with Reggie? Didn't see it coming.

Oh, and that awkward moment where Sirius swears and looks at Edith and is just like, shit, can I do that? That's me in therapy.

Chapter 22

Notes:

Trigger warnings for this chapter: Things are getting heavy y'all. We're getting a detailed account of Reggie's assault, which includes him being force-fed a potion to facilitate his SA and some technical grooming. Our poor boy has a severe breakdown. And then, of course, there's the Rigel situation, which means we have child abandonment and parental trauma. Take care of yourselves.

Sirius pounded on James's front door. Remus stood next to him, completely bewildered. They'd left the Three Broomsticks in such a rush, and Sirius refused to explain what was going on. Remus knew it had to be something to do with Sirius's conversation with Mary, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what she'd said to him to get him to react like this.

A moment later, James opened the door with a worried look on his face.

"Where is he?" Sirius demanded as he pushed into the house.

James held the door open as Remus followed him. "His room," James said. "Uh– Your old room."

Sirius didn't say another word. He left the two confused men at the front door and rushed through the entry hallway and took the stairs two at a time. He stopped only when he was in front of the closed door to his old bedroom. Sirius grimaced, not wanting to have this conversation, but knowing that sooner was better than later. He raised his hand and knocked.

A moment later, Regulus answered it. He looked surprised to see Sirius standing there. "Hi," he said. 

Sirius pushed into the room. "Close the door," he snapped.

Regulus closed the door before he turned to stare at his brother in confusion. "What are you doing here?" Regulus slowly asked.

"I don't–" Sirius sighed. He started pacing in the room. "I don't know how to do this delicately," he confessed. "I've just found out something, and I think I know things, but I– I'm sure that I'm wrong because it doesn't make sense as to why, but I have to share something with you that you have to know, and there's no delicate way to do this."

Sirius continued pacing, the folder clutched tightly in his hand. He ran his empty hand through his hair. He stopped and looked at Regulus again. "It was Alecto Carrow, wasn't it?" he asked. Regulus went white at the name. His eyes were too wide. His body too frozen. Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I thought so." He started pacing again.

"How–" Regulus's voice broke. He swallowed. "How the fuck do you know that?" he demanded, his voice trembling.

Sirius held up the folder. "This," he said.

"What is that?" Regulus whispered.

Sirius let out a sound that was somewhere between a strangled cry and a bitter chuckle. He finally stopped pacing and looked at Regulus. "The Order went to Redcar," he explained. "There, they found the woman. At the orphanage she ran. And there was a boy, Reggie," he whispered.

"Oh, I'm going to be sick," Regulus whispered as he sank onto his bed.

"He's three."

Regulus covered his face in his hands. "Oh, fuck," he moaned.

"You joined them when you were sixteen. Nearly four years ago."

Regulus nodded. He looked up at Sirius, lowering his hands. The older of the two brothers was not surprised to see the tears on Regulus's face. "It…" He blinked away his tears. "It was to 'make me a man'," he whispered. "They force-fed me a potion when I didn't respond to her. Made me react. She… she took charge. Did everything." Regulus let out a sob. "I–" his voice broke. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "I was tied down because I kept trying to get away," he said. He started shaking his head. He looked up at Sirius, meeting his brother's eyes. "I couldn't move," he said, his voice too high and too tight. "I couldn't fight." He gestured to the folder. "Obviously, friction did its fucking job," he spat.

Sirius knelt in front of Regulus and pulled his brother into his arms. Regulus sobbed into his shoulder. He buried his face into Sirius's leather jacket and screamed, clinging to his brother. Sirius let go only long enough to set the folder down next to Regulus before he pulled back and held his face in his hands. "Breathe, Reggie," he said.

Regulus gasped for breath. He coughed and sputtered and gasped again.

"Breathe," Sirius said softly. "In and out. Come on."

Together, they focused on breathing. After a few moments, Regulus had stopped panicking.

"Do you want to know anything about him?" Sirius asked.

Regulus took a deep, steadying breath. "Is he… safe?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Right now, he's with Mary and Lily," he said. "They took him when they saw who he was."

Regulus nodded. "That's good," he said. "That's safe." Sirius nodded. "Are they keeping him?" he asked.

"That depends on you," Sirius replied.

Regulus nodded. "Anyone know?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Right now, it's just them and us," he said. "I didn't even tell Remus. She didn't tell Dumbledore."

Regulus swallowed. "I want him," he whispered.

"Reggie, is that a good idea?" Sirius asked.

Regulus's eyes were sharp and focused for the first time since Sirius had barged into his room. "He's my son," he said. "I'm never going to have another one. He's a Black. He's mine. I haven't had him for the first three years of his life, Sirius, I'm not going to bail on the next thirty just because his mother fucking raped me!"

Sirius nodded. "Okay," he said. "Just thought you might want to talk to James about it first."

Regulus shook his head. "I don't need to," he said. "With or without James being on board, I'm taking him."

Sirius nodded, understanding, accepting, and even supporting his brother's decision. "Okay," he said. "I'll help out with whatever you need, yeah?" he asked, knowing that Regulus, who no longer had access to their parents' vault because he had left the home, wouldn't be able to afford anything on his own. "Clothes, food, furniture, whatever it is, I've got you." Regulus nodded as he sucked in a shaking breath. "We still need to talk to James about it because you are currently living in his house," Sirius reminded him. Regulus nodded again. Sirius's face softened. "Do you want to see him?" he asked.

Regulus looked from Sirius to the folder and back again. "You have a photo?" he asked, his voice rough.

Sirius nodded. He reached for the folder and pulled the photograph out. He held it out to Regulus as he moved to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. Regulus's hand shook as he held the photo. Tears started falling from his eyes again. "He looks like you," he said softly.

"I noticed that too," he said

Regulus let out a sob, and Sirius immediately wrapped his arms around his brother. Regulus clung to him and the photograph as he broke down into sobs again. He drew his legs up and curled into Sirius's arms. Sirius held onto his brother, tears falling from his own eyes. Once again, he let out a heartwrenching scream into Sirius's shoulder. It was all he could do to just hold on.

 

When Sirius entered the kitchen ahead of Regulus, he saw James and Remus at the table with worry etched into their faces. James stood as they walked in. Sirius held up his hand and gestured for James to sit back down. James, bewildered, sank into his chair as Sirius busied himself with getting Regulus a glass of water. Regulus continued to walk to the table and sat down at the opposite end from Remus and James. Putting himself at a distance from them.

Sirius followed his brother to the table and set the water in front of him before he took a seat next to Regulus. He reached for his brother's hand and waited for him to speak.

Regulus took a drink before he cleared his throat. He looked at James first, then Remus. His hand squeezed around Sirius's as he looked back at James. "I… have a son," he said with a voice raw from his earlier crying.

"What?" James asked. "But you–"

Sirius shook his head, causing James to stop speaking.

Regulus took a shaking breath and let it out slowly. "He–" his voice cracked. "He's the product of what was done to me. There’s an orphanage in Redcar," he said, his voice rough and his eyes unfocused. "We were supposed to attack it, looking for a specific child." Sirius realized this was information he hadn't known. "The Dark Lord, he'd been there before personally, telling the woman that ran it that he wanted every pureblood child she had within its walls. She'd refused. He had us – other Death Eaters, I mean – tormenting her." Regulus shook his head. "I hadn't been involved in that part, but I was supposed to go in and help take the kids by force. It was the tip Sirius last got from Snape." Regulus started shaking his head. "I didn't understand why, but now I do," he nearly whispered. "And I would have known the second I saw him in person had I not left when I did. Turns out, the woman who… raped me… she got pregnant from it, went to Redcar to give birth, and then left. She left him there," he said, looking confused and heartbroken. "I didn't know," he whispered. He started shaking his head again. His eyes focused on James. "I didn't know," he repeated. He cleared his throat as James and Remus gaped at the two brothers.

Regulus cleared his throat again. "He's the only biological child I'm ever going to have," he said softly. "I'm going to keep him despite how he came into this world." Regulus met James's eyes. "I don't care if that's something you're okay with," he said softly. James looked close to tears. "He's mine. I'm going to raise him. And if that means that I can't live with you anymore because it's something that you're not willing to be part of, I understand, and I won't resent you for it," he said. "I'll work things out with Dumbledore to get different arrangements."

James shook his head. "Reg, of course you can stay. Of course, he's welcome here. But…"

Regulus shook his head. "If you're going to ask me details about what happened, I'm not ready to talk about that, and I don't know if I ever will be. If Sirius wants to fill you in for me, that's fine. The only reason I'm speaking about this at all is because this is changing everything. It'd be pretty fucking hard to explain why a three-year-old is suddenly in my life. None of you will discuss his mother with him. I will cross that bridge when the time comes."

James and Remus nodded.

Remus looked at Sirius. "Mary?" he asked, his voice rough.

Sirius nodded. "She found him at the orphanage," he explained. "Found out who he was and took him home. She reached out to me because she can't contact Reggie without going through Dumbledore, and they haven't said anything to him about it yet," he explained.

James cleared his throat. "What's his name?" he asked.

"Rigel," Sirius answered. "Rigel Orion Black."

James looked at Regulus, who stared blankly at the table in front of them. He still clung to Sirius's hand with a death grip. "Reg?" he softly asked.

Regulus shook his head. His eyes focused on James's. "I don't know if I can do this," he whispered. "You and me. Me and him."

James shook his head. "It's okay," he said. "I'm right here. I'm not abandoning you, even if it takes years. I'll help. You can stay here as long as you want. I'll help with all of it, Reg."

Regulus blinked back tears. "Fuck," he whispered. He looked up at the ceiling. He blinked again, and Sirius saw the tears leak out of his eyes. He looked at Sirius. "I'm nineteen," he said with a high voice. "I'm a fucking father…."

"Breathe," Sirius said softly. He nodded. "I know," he said. Regulus sucked in a breath. "Reggie, just keep breathing."

"I don't know the first thing about kids," Regulus gasped. He started to shake as he looked at his brother. "What the fuck am I doing, Sirius?" he whispered. "I don't know–" he gasped for air.

"Breathe," Sirius repeated. He pressed his forehead against Regulus's and started breathing slowly for him. "Copy me," he said. "Breathe."

Slowly, Regulus matched his brother's rhythm. After a couple of extra deep breaths, Sirius pulled away. "You're not doing this alone, Reggie," he promised. "You've got James here at the house to help you, and Remus and I are just a couple of miles out of town. We can be here in a heartbeat if you need us."

Regulus shook his head. "I'm broke," he whispered.

Sirius nodded. "And I already told you that I'll cover you until you have your own money," he said.

"What?" James said. "I thought…."

Regulus shook his head as he looked at James. "My parents have money," he said. "Not me. Not until my father’s gone or I start making my own, which I can't do until it's safe."

"Oh," James whispered. "Yeah, I didn't think of that," he confessed. "Well, I'll help," he offered. "I've got plenty."

Regulus nodded. "Between the two of you, we should be able to afford a single kid, right?" he asked with a breathy chuckle. He took another drink from his glass. Once he set it down, he looked at Remus. "Ready to be an uncle?" he asked with another huff. Remus reached out and put his hand over Regulus's as he nodded. The younger Black brother shook his head as he looked at the three young men gathered around him. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Sirius frowned. "What are you sorry for?" he asked.

"Bleeding all over your lives," he whispered as fresh tears started to fall.

"Oh, stop, you are not," Sirius replied.

"I only have one thing to say," Remus said. Sirius and Regulus looked at him. "Don't ask me to babysit on a full moon," he said with a grin.

Regulus burst with laughter. Remus winked at Sirius, who mouthed 'thank you' to him. Regulus smiled the first genuine smile that he'd worn since Sirius's arrival. It quickly faded, but Sirius knew that it had been important.

After a moment, Regulus stood and walked around his brother to hold his hand out to James. James looked up at Regulus's face for a moment before he stood and pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly. After a moment, he shifted to hold Regulus's face in his hands. "I'm here," James told him. Regulus nodded. "Yeah?" he asked. Regulus nodded again before James leaned in and kissed him.

Sirius looked at Remus as James simply held Regulus close. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sure I freaked you out earlier. I had to talk to him first, before saying anything to anyone else."

Remus nodded. "I know," he said softly before he nodded toward the door. He and Sirius stood and stepped around the other two to get to the back garden. Before Sirius could pull the door closed behind him, he felt it pull out of his hand and looked back to see Regulus and James following. Remus and the two brothers lit their cigarettes. James stepped up behind Regulus and wrapped his arms around Regulus, resting his chin on the top of Regulus's head. "So, what's the plan from here?" he asked.

Sirius blew the smoke out of his lungs. "I'll talk to Mary about the arrangements," he explained. "Let her know Reggie's decision. Go from there."

Regulus pulled the photo out of his pocket and stared at it. James studied the photo. "He's cute," he said softly. "Is that what you looked like at that age?" he asked, noticing the curly black hair and pale gray eyes.

Regulus shook his head. "No, I've always been more narrow and pointy," he said. He took a drag from his cigarette and blew it out. "That's more what Sirius looked like at that age."

"Really?" Remus asked, moving in to see the photo and sate his own curiosity. In the photo, Rigel sat facing the camera and was looking at a block in his hand with a wide grin on his face. Remus smiled as he looked at Sirius. Sirius smiled back at him, staying quiet as they looked at the photo that had made Sirius very briefly wonder if there had been a night he couldn't remember.

"I don't want details," James said as Remus stepped back, "but I'm curious to know who the mother is?" he asked. "I don't see anyone other than you two in this kid."

"Black genes are quite strong," Sirius said with a chuckle. Regulus looked at him, silently begging Sirius to answer the question for him. "You okay with me telling them?" he asked. Regulus nodded. Sirius cleared his throat and looked at James. "It's Alecto Carrow," he said softly.

James frowned. "Okay, now I do want details," he said softly. Regulus started to shake his head, but James pressed his forehead to Regulus's temple. "Not right now, don't panic," he said softly. "Sirius can tell me later."

Regulus nodded and took a shaking breath. "I can't do that story again today," he whispered.

James nodded. "I know," he said softly, kissing Regulus's cheek. Sirius smiled at seeing the two of them together and was proud of his brother for allowing it.

Regulus sighed. He looked at Sirius again. "Can you just give them the overview?" he asked. "This is going to linger and…" he shook his head. "I can't say it, but I can handle it if you do."

Sirius nodded. He thought for a moment about the details Regulus had already given him. He took a drag from his cigarette and cleared his throat. "You Know Who," he began, "he… decided to take the last of Reggie's youthful innocence the hard way," he said, hoping to convey it without getting explicit. "Forced him and Alecto. Decided he didn't want kids in his war, and that was the way he was going to make a man out of Reggie."

James winced. His arms tightened around Regulus. "I'm sorry you went through that," he said softly.

Regulus nodded. "More to it than just that, obviously," he said softly. He sighed before he looked between Sirius and Remus. "Did you guys hear about Pettigrew?" he asked.

Sirius nodded, grateful he didn't have to drop that bomb as well. "Any theories?" he asked.

Regulus nodded. "Yeah, I think the Dark Lord thought he was the traitor and treated him accordingly," he said simply. "Like I told you when you told us what was going on. Only the three of us knew about both of those attacks. Since Snape's in Azkaban awaiting trial, and I, hopefully, succeeded in making it look like I was captured and not just someone who abandoned them, it put eyes on him. He can't get to me, so he took it out on Pettigrew. Made an example of him to show what he's willing to do to someone who betrays him, even without proof."

"That's what I thought too," Sirius agreed. He sighed and looked at the back garden. In his mind, he could see Rigel playing in the yard as he got older. Sirius already planned to get him one of those toy broomsticks that hovered a foot or so off the ground so that he could fly around. Maybe even a few balls to toss. He could already hear Regulus yelling at him about the broomstick.

It wasn't the way any of them saw it happening. If Sirius had been asked to speculate on who the first one to have a child would be, he certainly never saw it being his little brother. James, he knew, would take to fatherhood like a fish in water, but Sirius and Regulus had poor examples of parenting. He hoped it wouldn't bleed all over Rigel's life.

"Sirius?" Regulus asked as Sirius exhaled a plume of smoke. He turned to look at his brother, raising his eyebrows in question. James still held him close.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"I know you're already his uncle, but… will you be his godfather?" he asked.

Sirius felt tears burn in his eyes as he grinned. "Absolutely," he said. The weight of the question wasn't as much about Regulus asking Sirius to be his son's godfather; it was the implication that he needed a contingency in place in case something happened to him. And James, simply because of his proximity.

Regulus gave him a sad smile. "Thanks," he said softly. Sirius nodded.

Notes:

When I tell y'all that I cried when I wrote this chapter, please understand that I mean that I sobbed writing it. Like my heart fucking broke for this poor boy. He's nineteen, y'all. Sirius, James, and Remus are all twenty. They're all so. fucking. young. They're dealing with a war, Sirius has court looming over his head, and they all have demons in their past looming over them that they don't want to face. And Reggie's demon just looked at him and said, no, you're facing me. And you're doing it right now.
And James. James. That boy. I love him. He's just so fucking supportive. Green flags. All the green flags. Find yourselves a James. He's just so good and precious.

Chapter 23

Summary:

Regulus met Sirius's gaze with eyes that shimmered with tears. "I need to talk to you," he said. He glanced behind Sirius and saw Remus sitting on the couch with papers scattered around him. "Alone," he said.
"Of course," Sirius said with a nod.

Notes:

Your trigger warnings for this chapter include: Self-loathing and guilt, because that hasn't been present in enough chapters by now? Idk. It's here again. It's like one of those friends you have that comes over unannounced and won't leave even though it's like four am and you have to work at nine, and you're exhausted, but you're one of those people like me who just won't tell them that they need to leave. Wait, that's just me? Okay, moving on. There are discussions of seeking comfort after trauma and what may or may not be an appropriate way to do that. Child abuse talk rears its ugly head in this chapter. Aaand there's some kink talk here as well. Remember, we do not kinkshame. We promote healthy discussions of kinks, much like the one that happens in this chapter. 😁

When Sirius and Remus finally returned to the cabin that evening, it was late, and they were both exhausted from the emotionally devastating day. Sirius sighed as he hung up his jacket on the hooks by the door. Remus hung his up beside Sirius's before he turned to face him, reaching for him to pull him into his arms. Sirius closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of musk and chocolate, losing himself for a moment in Remus's arms. His arms came up around Remus as well, holding him close, feeling the exhaustion creep up on him.

He felt Remus's breath in his hair, hot and moist. He turned his head, resting his ear against Remus, listening to his strong heartbeat. Remus reached up and brushed the hair away from Sirius's forehead before kissing him tenderly. "How was therapy?" he asked.

Therapy felt like a million years ago. Sirius pulled away. "Uh…" he sighed, "she wants me to write letters to Snape and my parents and then burn them," he explained. "Then do it again. My next appointment with her is next Tuesday. Same time."

Remus nodded. "That doesn't sound terrible," he said.

Sirius shook his head. "Seems pretty simple," he agreed.

Remus sighed as he reached for Sirius's hand. "Come on," he said. "Let's head to bed. It's late."

Sirius nodded and let Remus lead him up the stairs to their bedroom. Wordlessly, they emptied their pockets, took off their clothes, turned down the bed, and climbed in. Sirius curled up around Remus, resting his head on the werewolf's chest, and stared at the darkness. He waited for sleep to take him – he really was exhausted. He needed that blissful slumber to engulf him and shield him from the difficult day.

But it never came. He kept going through lists in his head for things they would need to make sure Regulus was ready for Rigel. The child was three – did he need a crib or a bed? Did he have any clothes, or did he need a whole wardrobe? He couldn't imagine Rigel had much that was actually his, likely just things that he used while in the orphanage. He'd need toys. Books. Was he still in diapers? Sirius didn't know the first thing about being an uncle or taking care of a child. Or helping care for one. The only one he'd ever been around was Regulus, and Regulus had grown up with Sirius, so those weren't choices he'd ever needed to make or things he'd ever needed to know. Sirius didn't remember much of Regulus's childhood outside of his own trauma.

Regulus would need a will, too. Sirius would make sure that they got him set up with that. For that matter, Sirius was going to need to get one put together himself, but he wanted to wait to get married first so that Remus could be included. Or… did the will need to come first?

Sirius sighed as he sat up, hoping not to disturb Remus with his restlessness. He drew his knees up and rested his elbows on them, holding his head in his hands. More lists. More thoughts. Three years old… did he know how to speak? What words did he know? He'd need to learn the basics, of course. English, maths, reading, writing… when did all of that start? Sirius couldn't even remember when he and Regulus had started reading. Or writing. He didn't even remember learning those things, though he certainly remembered Walburga punishing them when they'd been wrong.

Just as Sirius was about to climb back out of bed, he felt Remus's hand on his back. "Hey, you okay?" he asked. "Can't sleep?"

Sirius shook his head. He crossed his legs in front of him. There was just enough moonlight shining through the curtains that he knew Remus, who had significantly better night vision than anyone else Sirius knew, could see him. "My thoughts just keep going in circles," he confessed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked.

Sirius sighed. "Not really anything to talk about yet," he said. "Shopping lists, mostly. For Rigel. Wanting to make sure he has everything he needs. Hoping Reggie can do this. I think he'd be a great dad. Definitely glad that I get to be part of it and see it, you know?" he asked, turning his face toward Remus. He shifted how he sat in the bed to face his fiancé. He saw the light reflect in Remus's eyes and was reminded of an animal in the dark. "Do you know your eyes reflect light?" he asked, his voice soft with gentle curiosity. "Kind of like a cat…"

Remus chuckled. "You mean like a wolf?" he asked.

Sirius echoed his chuckle. "Yeah," he said softly. "Did you know?"

Remus shook his head. "No, no one's ever told me that before," he said.

"It's kinda hot," Sirius said, reaching out to run his hand through Remus's hair.

"Ah, so it's not conversation you need, it's distraction," Remus observed.

Sirius laughed. "Probably," he said. "It's been a couple of days."

"Come here," Remus said, reaching out to draw Sirius in close. Sirius lay back down next to Remus, who rolled onto his side. He pulled Sirius in for a kiss and, for the first time in hours, Sirius's mind finally shut up. He sighed into Remus's kiss and reached up to tangle his fingers in the werewolf's hair. Remus's hand trailed down Sirius's side before he grabbed a handful of Sirius's ass and squeezed it, causing him to moan into the kiss. Remus pulled his hips closer, rubbing them together. Sirius could feel that Remus was already eager and, as their bodies moved against each other, Sirius was quickly hardening. 

Remus pulled away from Sirius's mouth and kissed his jaw, neck, and chin. Sirius panted, trying to catch his breath. Remus kissed his way further down, swirling his tongue around Sirius's nipple, which made him cry out. Remus crawled under the blanket, kissing and licking further down Sirius's body. He cried out when Remus's mouth slid along his shaft. He could feel, but not see, what Remus was doing, which heightened the sensations for him. He cried out again, his hips involuntarily thrusting up as Remus took the head into his mouth. Remus held his hips down with an arm across them, and Sirius moaned when the werewolf’s fingers pressed into his hole, using spit and precum as lubricant. He seemed to find that bundle of nerves inside Sirius with no effort. Within minutes, between Remus's mouth and his hands, Sirius was nearly there.

Remus pulled the blanket off them, feeling too warm under the covers. Sirius watched his head bob for a moment. His hands clenched around the sheets. "Close," he gasped, his chest rapidly rising and falling with each time Remus moved his head. He felt, more than heard, the sound Remus made.

Before Sirius could reach that pristine moment of climax, Remus looked up at him, his eyes flashing in the dark. He slowly pulled his head away from Sirius's cock, leaving him on the edge again. Remus crawled back up Sirius's body and kissed him deeply, their hips grinding together. Oh, he was so close.

Remus pulled away and leaned over the bed to reach into the nightstand and grab the lubrication potion. This time, Sirius took it from him and poured a little into his hand before he reached down to rub it onto Remus, who moaned at the touch. Once ready, he lay on his back again, and Remus nestled himself between Sirius's legs before pushing himself into Sirius's body.

Sirius cried out as Remus filled him. "Fuck me," he gasped. "Hard. Please."

Remus smirked at him before he dipped his head for a kiss. He pumped his hips a few times before he started picking up speed, slamming himself into Sirius's body and causing him to cry out into Remus's mouth. The bed rattled, the headboard smacking into the wall. Sirius let out a long, sustained moan as Remus worked into him hard and fast. Sirius's nails dug into Remus's shoulders as he held on.

Sirius reached down to stroke himself; however, Remus grabbed both of his hands and held them above his head. Sirius swore again. His breaths were ragged between their kisses from the effort.

With one last thrust, Remus buried himself deep inside of Sirius and unleashed with a strangled moan. Sirius joined him as the heat warmed him from the inside. Remus took a moment to catch his breath before he pulled out. He kissed his way back down Sirius's body and took him in his mouth again. Sirius was already so close that it didn't take much before he let out a cry and spilled over in Remus's throat. He continued to suck on Sirius's cock, coaxing more out of him. Remus released him and nuzzled Sirius's cheek before he reached for his wand and cleaned up their mess.

"More?" he asked, his voice husky. "Or has your brain gone quiet?"

"Completely mush," Sirius said with a lazy grin. He could feel that Remus wasn't finished yet. "You still need?" he asked.

Remus smirked. "I always want more," he promised. "It'll be a few more days of it being like this, though."

"You're going to fucking kill me one of these days," Sirius said with a laugh.

Remus chuckled, kissing Sirius again. "I told you, I don't mind taking care of it myself."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at Remus. "And miss out?" he demanded. "On your back," he said. Remus obliged, and Sirius crawled on top of him. He leaned over and kissed Remus deeply before he carefully lowered himself onto Remus's cock. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back, feeling everything. Remus held onto Sirius's hips as he braced himself on Remus's chest and started to bounce. It had been a while since Sirius had ridden anyone, and he'd forgotten the way it made his thighs burn.

Remus's hands left Sirius's hips and started roaming across his body. He touched the stars, his hands firm. The sounds coming out of Sirius were music to his ears. His body started to tense as Sirius tightened around him.

"Sirius!" Remus gasped as he thrust his his up as Sirius came back down on him. Buried deep once more, Remus cried out and spilled over.

Sirius relaxed, still sitting on Remus. His chest still heaving with the effort to breathe. He knew that his legs wouldn't support him enough to move yet, so he leaned down and kissed Remus again. He used the angle to his advantage and rolled his hips so that Remus was no longer inside of him, then he rolled off of the werewolf. Remus cleaned them up again before gathering Sirius up in his arms and holding him close. Sirius closed his eyes, listening to the gradual slowing of Remus's heartbeat, and finally fell asleep, the blanket forgotten.

 

The next morning, Sirius reached out to Mary and Lily. He let them know about Regulus's decision regarding Rigel and asked them for a list of things they'd need for him. They agreed to keep Rigel until Regulus was ready for him. As soon as he finished speaking with them, he heard knocking at the door. Sirius quickly answered it and was surprised to see Regulus on the other side… alone.

Regulus met Sirius's gaze with eyes that shimmered with tears. "I need to talk to you," he said. He glanced behind Sirius and saw Remus sitting on the couch with papers scattered around him. "Alone," he said.

"Of course," Sirius said with a nod. He stepped through the door and closed it behind him. Regulus paced on the front porch before he finally sat on the swing, staring at his hands. Sirius joined him, sitting sideways on the swing to face him.

For a moment, Regulus sat in silence. "I did something last night that I'm not sure was a good decision," he finally said, his voice little more than a whisper.

"What happened?" Sirius asked.

Regulus sighed. He looked up at the forest around them. "James and I slept together," he said. "I was still really emotional, but better, and he kissed me. Then we kept kissing. And the next thing, we're in his bed, and we're… having sex… and now, today, I'm worried that it was a mistake." Sirius noticed that Regulus didn't sound frantic; he sounded sad.

Sirius took a moment to respond. "Why do you think it was a mistake?" he asked.

Regulus shrugged. "Because everything I do is a mistake," he said softly. "I can't do anything right. I don't even know what I'm thinking, taking Rigel, because it's not me he's going to learn what he needs from. It's going to be the three of you. You'll be the ones teaching him goodness, and honesty, and love because I don't even know those things," he whispered. "I'm just going to be there to be there, and he'll get everything he needs from you guys."

Sirius shook his head. "Reggie, you're going to make an amazing father," Sirius said. Regulus scoffed and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "You are," Sirius insisted. "You say you don't know how to be good, or honest, or how to love?" he asked. Regulus nodded. "You're already doing that," he said. "You haven't killed my best friend yet, right?" he asked. Regulus shook his head. "That's you being good. And you've told us so much, not just to help the war, but also about you. That's honesty. You're not lying to us at every turn. And love?" Sirius asked. He let out a chuckle. "Reggie, you've been showing that since you came to my apartment. You didn't even want to talk the other day because you saw that I had been struggling. Putting yourself second to show care for someone else's needs? That's literally what love is." Regulus's face started to soften. "You don't realize it yet, but you've got this. We're here to help, any time you need it, any way we can, but you'll be just fine."

The hint of a smile started to show on Regulus's face. "Well, I'm glad one of us believes in me," he said softly.

"I always have," Sirius said softly. "Is that the only reason you think it was a mistake?" Sirius asked.

Regulus sighed. He looked down at his hands again. "No," he said softly. "No, I think it was too soon. It was an emotional day for both of us. James, after he found out about Pettigrew, was beside himself. It took me a while to calm him down. When you came over yesterday, I was in your room because he was finally okay and I needed a minute, you know?" he asked. "Just a break. Then you came in, you dropped that bomb, and suddenly I was the one needing comfort. So, you know, heightened emotions, seeking comfort, and one thing led to another."

"Reggie, that doesn't sound like a mistake to me," Sirius said. He pulled out a couple of cigarettes and handed one to his brother. After taking a moment to light the cigarette, Sirius exhaled. "You know, the first time Remus and I slept together was after we got back from getting patched up at St. Mungo's," he explained. "Just like you, it was heightened emotions, that need for physical comfort, for that intimacy." Regulus stared at him as he blew the smoke out between his lips. "This was a huge step for you. I'm guessing this was the first time?"

Regulus nodded. "Yeah," he said. He flicked the ashes off his cigarette. "I feel like I skipped a step between kissing and having sex," he said with a chuckle. "Isn't there supposed to be some… you know, intense snogging or something between the two?"

Sirius laughed. "Depends on the situation," he said. "Some people end up just diving right in."

"Can I dive right back out?" Regulus asked. He sighed. He held the cigarette up close to his mouth for a moment before he finally took another drag from it. "I don't hate that it happened," he said. "I don't really regret it, like I don't think that's the right word. But the timing?" he asked. "Trying to juggle figuring things out with him while also preparing to get my son…. It just feels like terrible timing."

Sirius shrugged. "It could have been," he agreed. "It's a bit late to change that it happened, though," he said. Regulus nodded. "Did it feel good?" he asked.

Regulus's cheeks turned pink. He turned his head back toward Sirius and stared at him with wide eyes. "Is that a question my brother should be asking me?" he asked.

Sirius laughed. "I'm not asking because I want details, you ass," he replied. "Please, feel free to keep that to yourself. I'm trying to help you process things."

Regulus shook his head as he laughed. "Yes," he said after a moment. "It felt good."

"Good," Sirius said with a nod. "Is it something you want to do again?"

Regulus nodded. "Oh, fuck yes," he breathed. He let out another laugh, and Sirius basked in the glow that was his little brother's face, lit up by the smile. His face softened after a moment. "But, like… specifically with James," he said. He shook his head. "I don't want random hookups, you know?" he asked. Sirius nodded. "I only want him."

"Reggie?" Sirius asked.

"Hmm?"

"That's not a mistake," Sirius gently said. "And, brightside, now that you've done it once, you'll be more comfortable and confident next time."

Regulus studied his brother for a moment. "You think so?" he asked.

Sirius let out a chuckle. "I have quite a bit of experience in that department," he said. "My first time was awkward as hell and with someone that I didn't even really care about in that way. Wasn't even really attracted to either."

"Yeah?" Regulus asked. He took a hit from his cigarette before flicking the ashes away. "I can't imagine you ever being awkward with anyone," he confessed. "You make things look so easy. What happened?"

Sirius took a drag from his cigarette before he answered. "Well, for starters, the setting couldn't have been worse," he began. "It was at Hogwarts, in one of the unused classrooms." Regulus let out a surprised laugh. "And it was just terrible because neither of us could decide who should be top or bottom. We didn't have any lube, so we had to use other fluids. And it was over before it really started. It was so far beyond awkward and uncomfortable that I almost can't believe I gave it a second chance."

Regulus chuckled. "Who was it?" he asked.

"Mary Macdonald," Sirius confessed. "Before she came out. Like, literally six months beforehand."

Regulus frowned. "Is that why she's a lesbian?" he asked. "You fucking her turned her into one?"

Sirius laughed. "I must have," he said. "She actually told me afterward that she appreciated it, but the experience really cemented for her that she knew she wanted to be with women. Then, when she came out as one, I was floored."

Regulus laughed. "Okay, I don't know why I want to know this, but…" he closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. "Who was on top?"

Sirius grinned. "She was," he said. "I've had a preference for the bottom ever since," he added, taking a long drag from his cigarette before he flicked the ashes away. Regulus made a face to show how little he'd appreciated receiving that information.

"Is she the only woman you've slept with?" he asked. "I'm realizing I don't actually know if you're gay or if you like both men and women."

Sirius nodded. "She's the only one," he said. "I'm very gay. Love women's clothes, especially the shoes, but I don't want them in my bed."

Regulus stared at Sirius for a moment. "I actually did see you in a dress then," he said.

Sirius laughed, realizing that Regulus must have seen him that one time he'd tried a dress on while he was still living with his parents. "You saw that?" he asked.

Regulus nodded. "Almost told Walburga, but then thought about what she'd do to you, so I decided to keep my mouth shut and just close your door the rest of the way," he said.

Sirius took another drag from his cigarette. "Thanks for that," he said. "She'd have probably actually killed me."

Regulus nodded. "Most likely," he said. He rolled his eyes. "That woman could never just… let anyone be different," he said. He sighed before he took another drag. "So, do you wish it had been Remus?" he asked. "That first time?"

Sirius shook his head without needing to give it much thought. "While that would have been quite romantic and I would love for that in another lifetime, I learned a lot about myself from the partners and situations I chose to put myself in," he explained. "I know things that I like that I might not ever have known about if it hadn't been for those others. I've done things that I never would have thought of. Things that I don't think he and I would have come up with together."

"Like what?" Regulus asked.

Sirius thought for a moment. "Well," he said, "there was this one guy who liked to play with knives in the bedroom," he explained. "That was an interesting night."

"Did he cut you?" Regulus asked, his eyes wide.

Sirius nodded. "A bit, yeah," he said. "Mostly little knicks here and there. Enough to mix the pain with the pleasure, but not enough to damage me permanently."

Regulus gave Sirius a sideways glance as he flicked his cigarette into the can by the steps. He exhaled the smoke from his lungs. "Knives, huh?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "I think I've mentioned before that a little danger makes things exciting for me."

Regulus chuckled. "Yeah, you did say it was pretty hot that your fiancé can literally rip you apart with his hands."

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, it is," he purred.

Regulus laughed as he shook his head. "Please, for the love of all that is magical, do not give me details."

"Oh, I didn't plan to," Sirius assured him. "Don't get me wrong, I'm giddy as a fucking teenage girl right now because you and I are actually talking about this stuff, but we don't need the graphic details of each other's sex lives."

Regulus laughed as he shook his head. "Merlin, no," he agreed. "I already know more than I think I should."

"Something to keep in mind," Sirius said. He took a final drag from his cigarette and tossed it into the can. "Speak up," he advised. "If you don't like something, tell him. If you do like something, tell him. If you want to try something, tell him. If you're going to get into anything more on the… exciting side?" Sirius asked, unsure if that was the right word to use. "Talk to him about it first. Agree on what you're willing to experience. Pick a safe word and don't use it unless you really can't handle what's going on."

"Wait, what's a safe word?" Regulus asked.

Sirius blinked. It hadn't occurred to him just how sheltered his brother really was. "It's a word that means stop but isn't the word stop," he explained. "It's a word you're not likely to say in the midst of things, like… penguin, or something random like that. It allows you to explore your boundaries in a way that's safe so that you know you have the power to say enough if you need to."

Regulus nodded. "Okay," he said.

"And, Reggie," Sirius said, "don't be afraid to have fun and explore. Just be safe about it."

Regulus nodded. "I will," he promised.

"And," Sirius said, causing Regulus to look at him again, "do not let James tell me about the things you two do because I swear to Merlin that if I know more about you than I ever want to, I'll kill him."

Regulus laughed. "Not if I do first," he replied.

Notes:

Welcome to your 12 Days of Christmas. You're getting a chapter every day for the next 12 days! Then we'll be returning to our regularly scheduled programming, where I go back to uploading on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. 💜

Aside from that, can I just say how much I love Reggie and Sirius in this chapter? Like, they've gotten so close and come so far together. And Reggie's growth throughout everything? Ugh, I love him so much!

Chapter 24

Summary:

Lily, Mary, and Rigel were already waiting by the courtroom door as they approached. Lily hugged Sirius. "How are you?" she asked as she let him go.
Sirius huffed a sigh. "Well, I've only thrown up twice this morning, so I'm awesome, thanks," he said. Lily gave him a sympathetic look as Mary stepped up with Rigel in her arms.
She kissed Sirius's cheek. "We're rooting for you," she said.

Notes:

Okay, y'all, the triggers for this one... So, we're at court now. It's the trial. Lily's going to detail what she went through with Snape. Like, we already know what she went through from the beginning of the story, but we're going through it again. And this time... it's a bit more graphic because it's her testimony. There's also, of course, details about what happened at the apartment when Remus beat Snape up, which means we're talking about strangulation again, both when Snape did it to Sirius and when he did it to Lily. We're also going into the details of the curse. Sirius has kept himself away from that, so we haven't had very much information about it until now, so now we get the deets. There's a TON of anxiety in this chapter as well, and it's coming from EVERY angle. Also, there's a brief mention of vomiting.

The next week passed in a blur between getting the guest bedroom at James's house ready for Rigel and preparing to go to court. Sirius also had his therapy assignment on his mind, but could never manage to get it done. He'd sat down to start it multiple times, but quickly found reasons not to start. The first time, he'd decided to wait until after he'd eaten something, because it would be better not to be distracted by a growling stomach. The second time, he'd seen Remus curled up on the couch with a book and decided cuddles sounded better than writing letters to people that he would never send and didn't want to think about. The third time, he'd stared at the blank page, twirling the pen in his fingers, clicking it incessantly, and Remus had started to get annoyed. After that, Sirius had stopped trying. So when Sirius returned to Edith's for his therapy appointment the following Tuesday, he felt inadequate. He'd never not turned in his homework before, so telling her had made him feel small and insecure. He felt like a failure. Thankfully, Edith had understood, discussed more about his childhood with him, and told him to try to get it done before their next appointment, which was scheduled for the same day and time the following week.

Thursday morning dawned, and Sirius immediately felt sick. His stomach was a bundle of nerves that he tried to empty into the toilet, but the shakiness never left him. He climbed into the shower, dressed in a nice suit for the day, and finally joined Remus at the table, who had poured him a cup of tea instead of coffee that morning.

With a chocolate bar.

Sirius felt a smile on his lips as he sat down. He sipped the tea, a blend of chamomile, lavender, and lemon balm. The smell of it alone made him feel calmer. The heat was soothing.

"I thought tea might be better than coffee this morning," Remus told him. "I know you're anxious, and coffee tends to amplify that."

Sirius nodded. "Thank you," he said.

He looked at Remus as he reached for his cigarettes and lit one. Remus had shaved, he had cut his hair so that it now came to his ears instead of his jaw, and he was wearing his best suit. Sirius kicked himself for not taking Remus to get new clothes yet, but there just hadn't been time. Remus and Lily had been spending most of their time together, trying to decipher the last details of the curse. Remus had spent a few hours every day at her house, working with her and the information Regulus had given him. Remus promised Sirius that they were close, but not quite there yet. There was one final detail they couldn't figure out. Both of them regretted that it wouldn't be done before the trial.

In that, Remus also had gotten to interact with Rigel before any of the rest of them. Which meant he had a lot of valuable information from the interactions that Sirius and Regulus had been grateful for. The questions that had plagued Sirius the night they learned about Rigel's existence had largely been answered. Remus relayed that Rigel was a very happy child and a joy to be around. He was very curious about the world, and, as far as Remus could judge, given his lack of experience with children, highly intelligent. His favorite color was blue, he loved Lily's cat, and understood that he was only staying with Mary and Lily for a little while before he'd go live with his father.

Collectively, they had all agreed that James and Regulus would go to court with them. Mary would also be there, in support of Lily. That, obviously, meant that Rigel would be at the Ministry, which meant that Regulus would finally meet his son for the first time. The plan was that, if things went well while court was in session, Rigel could go home with Regulus that day. Otherwise, the plan was to slowly integrate Regulus into Rigel's life until he could stay with Regulus permanently.

Sirius, Remus, Regulus, and James met up outside of Godric's Hollow. Since the four of them were going, they'd arranged for a Portkey to take them to the Ministry. Sirius found and retrieved an empty cola can a minute before they were supposed to leave. The four of them grabbed onto it, and, a moment later, they felt the pull behind their navels and were off.

 

They got off the elevator on the ninth level, then followed the staircase down to the tenth. Regulus stayed in the back of the group, his anxiety about meeting his son mounting. He had James's hand in a grip so tight that his knuckles were white.

Lily, Mary, and Rigel were already waiting by the courtroom door as they approached. Lily hugged Sirius. "How are you?" she asked as she let him go.

Sirius huffed a sigh. "Well, I've only thrown up twice this morning, so I'm awesome, thanks," he said. Lily gave him a sympathetic look as Mary stepped up with Rigel in her arms.

She kissed Sirius's cheek. "We're rooting for you," she said.

Sirius smiled before he kissed her cheek. "Thanks, love," he said. He looked at the toddler in her arms. Rigel had the black curls and slate gray eyes that most of the Black family had. His cheeks were chubby. His skin was pale. He looked healthy, which was a relief to Sirius. He reached out and took the boy's hand in his. "Hi," he said. "I'm your uncle."

Rigel smiled and turned to hide his face in Mary's shoulder. He laughed as he looked back at Sirius. "There's someone you should meet," he said, stepping to the side. 

Regulus looked terrified as he stepped forward. Sirius put his hand on his brother's shoulder. Regulus held his hands out, and Mary passed the boy to him. Regulus settled him on his hip. He let out a breathy chuckle as he stared at his son. "Hi," he said in a breathy voice. He stared at Rigel's face, taking in every detail. "I'm your dad," he whispered.

Rigel reached up and put his hand on Regulus's chin. They stared at each other for a moment before Rigel nestled himself in Regulus's arms. He looked up at the ceiling with tears in his eyes. A single tear fell. He looked back at Mary and Lily. "Thank you," he whispered.

The two women nodded. "Of course, Regulus," Mary said.

A woman stepped out of the courtroom. "We're ready for you," she said to them.

Hugs were passed around. Lily walked ahead of Sirius and Remus as they entered the courtroom, hand-in-hand.

The dark marble of the room made it feel oppressive and ominous to Sirius. His hand clenched around Remus's as they followed the woman directing them. As they moved to sit, the woman reached out and touched Sirius's arm, causing him both to flinch and to stare at her. She pulled her hand away. "I'm sorry," she said. "I just wanted to let you know that the accused won't be in the courtroom until after you testify," she explained. "We want to see if you're able to speak without worrying about the curse."

Sirius felt his pulse pounding in his throat. "Are we speaking first?" he asked.

She nodded. "We're going to get your testimonies first, then bring him in to speak in his defense," she explained. "We have a specialist who is going to draw the curse from you so that we can see the signature, then, while he's in here, we're going to do essentially the same thing to pull his signature out. We expect them to be the same, thus proving your version of events. We've also verified his Dark Mark, so, depending on what happens here, he'll either be going back to Azkaban as a convicted Death Eater, or we'll bring in a Dementor for the Kiss."

Sirius nodded. "I understand," he said. She smiled and nodded at him before walking away as Sirius sat down on the bench next to Remus. He looked at them. "We're up first," he said.

 

It took nearly an hour for everyone to filter in. When Dumbledore entered the room, he walked up to Sirius. The three of them stood, and Dumbledore shook Sirius's hand. "Professor," he said.

Dumbledore nodded. "Your brother and James have returned to their house with the child," he informed Sirius. "They wanted to stay to support you, but I expressed concerns that Snape, or even some other Death Eater we don’t know about, may see them, and we cannot risk him being exposed. Once this is over, we need to discuss other matters."

Sirius nodded. "I understand, Sir," he said. He realized now that the trial had halted the plans to search for the Horcruxes.

Dumbledore smiled and patted Sirius's hand. "Good luck," he said.

Sirius nodded. "Thank you, Sir," he said

Dumbledore released his hand and started to walk away. Sirius felt the piece of paper in his palm, and the three of them sat back down. As he sat, Sirius slipped the paper into his breast pocket without looking at it. He knew it was likely details of where and when to meet, which was something he didn't need to look at right away. He took Remus's hand in his again, and they waited for the trial to begin.

Lily was the first to speak. She let out a shaky breath as she stood. Both Sirius and Remus reached out and squeezed her hand in support as she passed them to walk to the middle of the room. She stood there, wearing a dark blue pantsuit. Her black heels made her a couple of inches taller. She reached up and touched the necklace she always wore, a gold chain with a four-leaf clover pendant. Mary had given it to her when they were still in school.

The light in the room dimmed and focused on Lily. Soon, she was the only thing they could see. Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and tried not to allow the oppressiveness of the room to crash down on him. Remus took Sirius's hand in his other one before wrapping his arm around Sirius's shoulders and holding him close.

"Mrs. Evans-Macdonald, can you please explain to the court what your job is?"

The woman's voice came from the darkness. They couldn't see the Council. Sirius didn't recognize the voice.

Lily cleared her throat. "No, I can't," she replied. She reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I work in the Department of Mysteries," she explained. "The very nature of the job is secrecy. The most that I can say is that I'm a researcher."

"And how do you know the accused?"

Lily turned toward the sound of the voice. "We grew up in the same neighborhood," she replied. "We met a few years before we received our Hogwarts letters. We were friends until we were in our fifth year, when I realized that he truly believed the things his friends were saying because he was emulating them and copying their behavior. The last straw for me was when he called me an offensive slur based on my being Muggle-born."

"And this was before he allegedly assaulted you?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, this was before," she confirmed.

"Please explain what happened."

Lily cleared her throat. "It was the twenty-sixth of August," she began. Less than a week before the start of our final term at Hogwarts. My sister and I had gotten into a fight, so I left home and went to the nearby park. There's a river that cuts through it, and I was sitting at the bank, thinking about the things we'd said to each other and just trying to calm down. It was late, both that night and in the summer, and I couldn't stop thinking about how she and I were at each other's throats when we were about to move on with our lives and likely not be able to see each other often anymore. We should have been supporting each other, not bringing each other down. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't hear him walk up behind me. I didn't know he was there until he put his hands over my eyes. I freaked out, moved away from him, and he got upset with me for not being happy to see him. We argued. I reminded him of how I had told him that I never wanted to be near him again. He told me that he was in love with me and apologized for everything he had said and done, but without giving me examples. He kept telling me to give him a chance because, if I was with him, he could spare my life once He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named wins the war. I refused. I tried to walk away."

Lily took in a shuddering breath and closed her eyes for a moment. "He grabbed me by my hair," she continued. "Pulled me back to him. He kissed me, and I tried to push him away. He hit me, knocked me down to the ground." She put her hand to her neck. "He held me down with a hand on my neck," she said with a shaking voice. "I could just barely breathe, but I couldn't catch my breath because of how he was holding me. I kept trying to struggle. He hit me again, and I realized in that moment that if I didn't let him take what he wanted, I was going to die."

Sirius felt his stomach drop, recognizing that they really had been through the same things at their attacker's hands.

Lily swallowed before she closed her eyes. She cleared her throat again. "He then proceeded to rape me and steal my underwear as a trophy. Told me I was his and that he had ruined me for any other men because no one would want me after what he'd done. Then he left me alone in the park."

"And after?" one of the disembodied voices asked.

Lily bowed her head for a moment before she looked up again. Sirius could see the tears on her cheeks. "Thankfully, I had my wand. I healed myself to the best of my abilities, and I went home. I showered for probably an hour, and then I curled up in bed, and I cried. I didn't tell anyone what had happened because I didn't know who to tell."

"But Mr. Black knew?"

Lily shook her head. "Not until recently," she said. "I got a note from him a few weeks ago, letting me know that he needed to speak with me. I went to his flat in London, and he asked me what had really happened because Snape had told him a version of events that didn't add up to what he had been experiencing."

"Was this also when you discovered the curse Mr. Snape allegedly placed on Mr. Black?"

Lily nodded. "Later that evening, yes," she confirmed. "When we were talking about our experiences, he was expressing certain thoughts and feelings that made me wonder if he was under some sort of curse from Snape. I left to get a few things, then went back to his flat to test the theory. I called the spell out, and that was how we discovered the curse and most of its components. I attempted to dispel it, but I was unsuccessful. I've been working to figure out what the countercurse is with Remus Lupin, and my position here with the Ministry helps with that, as it gives me access to more information that I otherwise wouldn't have access to."

"Explain the curse to us."

Lily cleared her throat. She stood a little straighter, diving into the role of the researcher now that she was no longer discussing her abuse. She wiped away the last remnants of her tears. "It's a variation of the Imperius Curse," she explained. "Very low level. It doesn't give the victim the same symptoms as the standard curse, and it can't be broken with a strong mind. It appears to be blended with the Deterioration Hex, Impediment Hex, and Jelly-Brain Jynx," she explained. Sirius, who had kept himself away from the research for fear of sabotaging it, suddenly understood a lot more about what he'd been up against and why he couldn't fight it. "There appear to be a few more layers that we haven't been able to figure out, which is why we haven't been able to develop a countercurse for it yet. Essentially, what it is designed to do is control the victim implicitly, either with the caster's intent or verbal instructions. It also prevents the victim from acting against the caster and creates both confusion and mental anguish. There are other mental and emotional symptoms as well, but it's mostly to create a sense of defeat and acceptance. The victim is completely unaware of the curse."

"In your opinion, will Mr. Black be able to testify under the effects of this curse?"

Lily sighed. "While he was able to give a statement to the Aurors the night they were called, I believe it’s unlikely that he’ll be able to testify," she said. "I cannot say for certain one way or the other because there is a possibility that Snape may be controlling him through the curse."

"How will we know if Mr. Black can testify without its influence?"

"You have his statement," she explained. "If he's unable to speak, or if he's providing information that contradicts his previous statement, it's a good indication that he's unable to properly testify."

"Thank you," the previous voice replied. "Can you tell us what happened on the seventeenth of July?"

Lily sighed. "That morning, I received a call from Remus," she explained. "He told me that something had happened at the flat and that they would be contacting the Aurors soon to make a report. He invited me to come over and make my report as well. When I arrived, there was no answer when I knocked, but I knew they were expecting me to be there, so I walked into the apartment. It had been completely ransacked. The couch was cut up, books pulled off the shelves, pictures blasted off the walls, and more. As it had only been a few minutes since Remus had called me, I knew they should still be in the apartment, but I couldn't hear anything, so I made my way to the bedroom to look for them. I saw Remus defending Sirius and pulling Snape off of him. He beat Snape into submission, put him into a Full Body Bind, called the Aurors, and tended to Sirius, who was barely conscious, bruised, and couldn't speak. I dragged Snape out of the room and shoved him into the bathroom, then returned to the living room to wait for the Aurors."

"Is there anything else you feel is important for us to know?" Sirius recognized that speaker as Dumbledore.

Lily cleared her throat. "Snape joined the Death Eaters at sixteen," she told them. "This curse that he has on Sirius isn't the first one he's created. He used another one he's made on Sirius as well, which almost killed him." Remus's hand tightened around Sirius's, and he realized that Remus had never gotten the full details of what had happened that day. "Snape is highly skilled. If you release him for any reason, he will go back to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's service. He will continue to hurt people. And he will continue to come after Sirius."

"Thank you for your testimony."

The lights brightened again, revealing the Wizengamot once more. Lily nodded before she returned to the bench, sitting on the other side of Sirius. He reached for her hand and held it, silently thanking her for being brave enough to share her story.

"Remus John Lupin."

Remus let out a breath before he kissed Sirius's forehead and stood. Sirius kept a hold of his hand until he couldn't anymore. Remus faced the Council before the lights dimmed again, focused on him the way they had been for Lily. The spotlight in the darkness was unnerving, but it almost seemed to be a way for them to feel free to speak without being able to see potential judgmental looks.

"Mr. Lupin, can you explain to the court what it is that you do for a living?" a voice asked from the darkness.

Remus nodded. "I'm working on the civilian front to end the war," he explained. "I don't have a typical job at this time because my efforts are focused on that."

"So you're a member of the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Yes," Remus confirmed.

"Albus?" another voice asked. "Can you vouch for him?"

"Yes," Dumbledore's voice sounded. "Both Mr. Lupin and Mr. Black work for me."

"Thank you," the previous voice replied. "Mr. Lupin, how long have you known Mr. Black?"

"We were in school together," Remus explained. "I met him on the first of September in 1971, when we both began attending school and were Sorted into Gryffindor."

"And how did you learn about the situation between Mr. Black and Mr. Snape?"

Remus cleared his throat. "The night before the attack where Snape tried to kill him, Sirius came to my house," he explained. "He was distraught. I brought him inside, gave him some tea, and spoke with him about what was going through his head. He told me about the situation with Snape. He had used a concealment charm to cover the bruising and swelling on his face. After a while, I convinced him to take the charm off, and I was able to see the damage. I healed him and invited him to stay with me for his protection."

"There was never any indication of a relationship between them until he told you?"

Remus shook his head. "No," he said. "None at all. He had kept quiet about a lot in his life when it came to abusive situations, so this behavior didn't surprise me. It took a lot to convince him to tell me the truth. Most of it was reassurance that I wasn't going to judge him for what he was going through."

"And you said this was the night before the final attack?"

"Yes," Remus confirmed. "We went to his flat the next morning with the intention of collecting some of his belongings."

"Tell us about that day."

Remus sighed. "We got to the flat around nine in the morning," he explained. "Sirius unlocked and opened the door. The evidence of an intruder was immediately apparent. The flat had been trashed. Couch destroyed, books, photos, and glass everywhere. The kitchen had been ransacked. I wanted to make sure that there was no one in the apartment, so I checked every room. Aside from the kitchen and living room, there was a bathroom, where the mirror had been broken, and the bedroom. I opened the door to the bedroom, looked inside, and didn't see anyone in there. The room was dark, though, and he may have been concealing his presence. I'd opened the door fully, so that it was against the wall, to make sure there was no one behind it. I assumed that the apartment was clear because I didn't see anyone, so I told Sirius that it was okay for him to get a bag together. We agreed that I would call Lily to come over and that we would summon the Aurors once he had a bag ready. The bedroom was the only one that hadn't been torn apart. I left Sirius at the door to his room and went back to the living room to call Lily. After I had, I decided to go back and check on him because I couldn't hear anything.

"When I entered the room, I could see Snape kneeling over Sirius, strangling him. I pulled him off, punched him until he was unconscious, cast the Full Body Bind on him, called the Aurors, and checked on Sirius. He was weak, already had bruises forming, and couldn't speak because of the damage to his voice from the strangulation. Lily came and let us know when the Aurors arrived."

"You sustained injuries from the fight, correct?"

Remus nodded. "Yes," he confirmed. "I had hit him quite hard, had some bloody knuckles, and my hands were swollen. They took care of it at St. Mungo's when they treated Sirius."

"And what is your relationship with Mr. Black?"

Remus couldn't fight the smile on his face. "He's been my best friend since we were eleven," he explained. "He's also my fiancé."

"Did you, perhaps, react too strongly when you saw Mr. Snape strangling Mr. Black due to your relationship?"

Remus sighed. "It's possible," he admitted. "I reacted without thinking. My only goal in that moment was to stop him from hurting Sirius more than he already had. I also didn't know if Sirius was still alive because he wasn't moving when I found them."

"And after you received treatment for your injuries, what happened?"

"We went back to the apartment so that Sirius could pack a few things, then went back to my house."

"You mentioned that Sirius is your fiancé, yet prior to the day before the attack, you had no knowledge of his relationship with Mr. Snape. Explain that?"

Remus let out a breathy chuckle. "Our relationship has changed significantly in the last few weeks," he informed them. "When Sirius came to my house the night before, we were still just friends. That night, our relationship changed. We got engaged last week. It's quick, but we have known each other for nearly half our lives."

"Mr. Lupin, is there anything else you think we should know?"

Remus thought for a moment before he cleared his throat. "Sirius and I, as well as our two other friends in school, have never been friendly toward Snape," he explained. "Regretfully, we bullied him. We were stupid teenagers who didn't know better. There's absolutely no chance that Sirius entered into the situation willingly. There's no chance that he would have volunteered to be in any sort of relationship with Snape that wasn't antagonistic. Of all of us, the two of them hated each other the most. In my opinion, this was Snape's revenge."

"Thank you for your testimony."

Notes:

Day 2 of 12 Days of Christmas!

So... court. We're at court now. Lily's testimony... ugh. She was already with Mary at that point, so keep in mind that they managed to stay together through what she went through. And Remus's testimony. His was much shorter, but... what he said there at the end. He acknowledges that they were shit to Snape in school. I think that's so fucking important.

But, really, the highlight in this chapter for me is the first moment between Rigel and Regulus. That moment where little baby Rigel puts his hand on Reggie's chin and Reggie just... that tear as he whispers his thanks that he has his baby in his arms... UGH! My heart! I've said it before, but I just love Reggie SO FREAKIN MUCH, okay!?

Chapter 25

Summary:

"Sirius Orion Black."
Sirius tried to stand. He told his body to do it. Instead, he sat frozen on the bench, sandwiched between Lily and Remus, completely unmoving. Was this the curse? Or was it his anxiety that kept him frozen?
"Mr. Black?"
Sirius tried again. Nothing.
"Sirius?" Remus asked.
Sirius couldn't even turn his head to look at his fiancé.

Notes:

Okay, so for this chapter, your trigger warnings include: Oof. Okay. This is Sirius's testimony, except... it's not gonna go the same way the last chapter did. We're going to see the curse in FULL force here, so be prepared. We're talking Sirius being incapacitated. Like, full-on frozen, cannot move, is literally a poseable doll, paralyzed. We are going to see many of the worst moments Snape put him through. Of course, this means we have some moments of intense distress, physical violence, and strangulation (once again rearing its ugly head). This is, of course, traumatizing. We also have a very much not-so-nice Kiss in this chapter. Wonder who's getting that? Annnnnnd.... there's a seizure/medical event at the end. I'm gonna apologize now for medical inaccuracies, and we're just gonna blame it on ✨magic.✨

The lights in the courtroom came up again as Remus nodded to the Wizengamot. He returned to the bench, sitting next to Sirius again. Sirius reached for his hand and waited for them to call him forward. His heart raced, his breathing quickened. His stomach was in knots, and he was certain that he was about to be sick again. Remus rubbed circles on his back. "Breathe," he whispered. Sirius nodded, his eyes on the floor in front of him, as he tried to keep himself breathing.

"Sirius Orion Black."

Sirius tried to stand. He told his body to do it. Instead, he sat frozen on the bench, sandwiched between Lily and Remus, completely unmoving. Was this the curse? Or was it his anxiety that kept him frozen?

"Mr. Black?"

Sirius tried again. Nothing.

"Sirius?" Remus asked.

Sirius couldn't even turn his head to look at his fiancé.

Lily moved to kneel in front of Sirius as someone asked if this was the curse. She reached up and tucked some of the hair behind Sirius's ear. He sat frozen, unable to move even his eyes. "Sirius? What's going on?" Lily asked in a soft voice.

Sirius tried to open his mouth. He tried to tell her that he was frozen. He was locked. His heart pounded in his chest almost painfully. Gone were the nerves that tied his stomach in knots; in their place was now the icy pit of fear. He'd been under a Full Body Bind curse before, because their Defense professor had wanted them all to experience it, but even that had been more tolerable than this.

"Sirius?" Remus tried again.

Lily raised Sirius's hand and let it go. His hand stayed frozen in the air. Sirius couldn't even lower it. He wasn't limp, he was a poseable doll. Snape's doll.

"Mrs. Evans-Macdonald?"

Lily lowered Sirius's hand before she stood and faced the Council. "Yes, this is the curse," she explained. "Where's Snape?" she asked.

"Still in Azkaban, waiting to be summoned to testify," the woman who had brought them into the courtroom answered.

Remus pulled Sirius into his arms, hoping to comfort his frozen fiancé. He cradled Sirius's head against his shoulder. Sirius could not move. He could not protest. He could not tell anyone that there was a hair poking him in the eye. He could not blink. Remus smoothed the hair away from his face without him knowing the hair was bothering Sirius, and returned to cradling him. Sirius could smell the chocolate and musk of Remus, taking comfort in knowing that Remus would not let him go.

Two people in Auror uniforms rushed in front of Sirius's vision and continued past them. Sirius could hear his heartbeat in his ears. Remus's thumb stroked his cheek. "We're going to fix this, Pads," he whispered softly. "We're almost there, I promise." Sirius could feel the tension in Remus's body. Feel him move as he scanned the crowd. "Can I get him out of here?" he asked.

"No, please stay," someone responded.

He felt and heard Remus let out a shaky breath that was almost a sob. Sirius's eyes were starting to feel dry. How long had it been since he'd last blinked?

Remus growled, low enough that no one else could hear him. Sirius almost didn't hear it, but the feel of the rumble in Remus's chest, more than the sound of the growl, let him know it happened. "Please?" Remus begged.

"No," came the response.

"Why?" Remus demanded.

"If this is part of the curse, we need to see it to understand it."

Sirius felt like an animal on display at the zoo. He could feel Remus start shaking. "He's not a dog!" he snapped at them. "This isn't a trick for your amusement!"

"No one said it was, Remus," Lily softly admonished him. Her hand rubbed Sirius's arm. "They're just trying to understand what's going on."

Sirius suddenly felt his body relax, and he slumped against Remus. He gasped for breath, closing his eyes for a moment. "I'm back," he whispered as Remus moved to start checking him. He met Remus's yellow eyes and reached for his hand as it smoothed his hair out of his face again. "I can move again," he said.

"What changed?" someone else asked.

"Severus Snape was knocked out by the Aurors in Azkaban," came the response. "He's no longer able to focus."

Remus kissed Sirius. "Are you okay?" he whispered.

Sirius nodded. "Just shaken," he replied.

Remus nodded. "I'm gonna fucking kill him," he said in a voice low enough that Sirius didn't think even Lily could hear it.

Sirius pulled back. "You won't," he objected.

Remus nodded. "I will," he replied. "I don't fucking care, Sirius, he can't control you if he isn't alive."

Lily gasped. Sirius shook his head. He reached up and held Remus's face in his hands. "You will not," he reiterated. "He'll get his."

"That fucker deserves the Kiss," Remus said with a shaking voice. He closed his eyes and swallowed. "You–" his voice broke. "You said–" He stared at Sirius for a moment as tears sprang from his eyes and fell onto Sirius's hands. "You told me what it was like," he whispered. He shook his head as more tears fell. "But to actually see it?" he asked. His breaths were quick and shallow.

Sirius pulled him in for a kiss. "I'm okay," he said with a tight voice. Remus shook his head as Sirius nodded. "I'm alive, I'm okay, and I'm here." Remus shook his head again before he buried his face in the crook of Sirius's neck. Sirius held him tightly. "I'm okay," he whispered again.

Dumbledore walked up to them. Sirius looked up at the headmaster and shook his head. "I can't do it," he whispered. "He won't let me testify."

Dumbledore nodded. "I think you're quite right, Sirius," he said softly. He waved his hand, and a chair appeared in front of Sirius. Dumbledore sat down on it. He reached for Sirius's hand. "I'd like to ask you a question," he explained. Sirius nodded as Remus pulled away from him, glowering at Dumbledore. "This will be an official question for the trial," he explained. "Do you understand this?"

Sirius tried to nod. Panic flooded him. His pulse kicked up, and he was frozen, yet again.

Dumbledore nodded. "That is all," he said.

Sirius felt the release hit him suddenly. His muscles went slack, and Remus scrambled to catch him again before he fell off the bench. Tears burned in Sirius's eyes as Remus locked his arms around him. "What's happening to me?" Sirius asked with a shaking voice.

"He's made it so that if you're asked to do or say anything in this trial, you freeze," Lily softly answered. She looked between Dumbledore, Remus, and Sirius. "It's absolutely not a proximity thing. He must have realized when he woke up in custody that he'd failed to protect himself. He can't make you lie, but he can lock you up so you can't speak. And since he doesn't want you dead, he wants you to suffer; you can still breathe while you're locked up, and your heart still beats. You just can't move your own body."

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, Lily has perfectly encapsulated my theory," he agreed. He turned and nodded to someone, who quickly left the room. A moment later, the doors of the courtroom opened again, and three Aurors walked in. One carried a pedestal, one carried a wide basin, and one carried a crystal vial on a pillow.

"No," Sirius whispered. He looked at Dumbledore with wide eyes. "Please, sir, not this," he whispered.

Dumbledore gave him a sad smile. "I'm afraid it's necessary, Sirius," he said before he stood and faced the rest of the Wizengamot. He held his hands out wide. "My fellow councilmen, it appears that Sirius is incapable of testifying and will continue to experience these episodes of freezing whenever asked to do so. We know that Mr. Snape is currently in Azkaban, waiting summons, and that he is currently unconscious. The conclusion, therefore, is that this curse impacts Sirius no matter where he is or whether he is actively being controlled."

"What do you propose, Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore gestured to the Aurors setting up the Pensive in the middle of the courtroom floor. "That he shows us what happened," he said before he pulled out his wand. Lily returned to her place on the bench on the other side of Sirius as Dumbledore turned around. She reached for his hand, gripping it tightly as Sirius shook his head repeatedly.

He looked up at Dumbledore with tears in his eyes. "Please, no," he whispered. Beside him, Remus growled again.

Dumbledore's eyes flicked to Remus before settling on Sirius again. One of the Aurors stood next to him with the vial. Dumbledore grabbed it from the pillow. "Forgive me, this may hurt a little," he said. Sirius felt himself start to shake as Dumbledore's wand moved closer to Sirius's temple. The moment the tip of Dumbledore's wand touched him, Sirius's head exploded in pain, and he screamed. Lily's hand tightened around his as Remus's arms held him more securely. He saw the last few months at Snape's hands flash before his eyes. A moment later, he was gasping, tears falling freely from his eyes, half-collapsed against Remus again. Dumbledore put the memories into the vial and held it up to the Wizengamot. "His testimony," he said to them before he walked up to the Pensive. He poured the memories into the basin before casting a spell to project them to the room.

Sirius glanced up. "No," he moaned. He couldn't live through this again.

 

Sirius sat at the bar, twirling a glass of Firewiskey in front of him. A few stools down, Snape sat, also drinking.

Sirius looked up and saw Snape in the mirror behind the alcohol bottles. He turned as he jumped off his seat. "You're not welcome here, Snivellus," he snapped. "Go find some other hole to drink in."

Snape turned his face toward Sirius, his long nose sticking out from the curtain of greasy hair in front of his face. He shook his hair back. "It's a free country, Black," he sneered. "For now. You can't tell me where I can't drink."

Aberforth Dumbledore walked up to him. "You one of those Death Eaters?" he asked.

Snape sneered at the bartender. "Prove it," he snarled.

Aberforth shook his head. He looked over at Sirius and then back at Snape. "Keep it outta my bar, Fellas, yeah?" he asked. "Tired of cleaning up after you lot."

Snape turned to Sirius with a smirk. "See?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. He picked up his glass and walked over to a table, where he sat down and took a drink. He held his head in his hands and closed his eyes. Snape smirked as he stood from the stool, putting his wand in his robes as he moved. He grabbed his glass and brought his drink over to the table Sirius had retreated to.

"Tell me, Black, are you as good as you say you are, or is it entirely your friends doing all the work?"

"Get the fuck away from me before I call the Aurors," Sirius replied. "The only reason I haven't yet is because I like drinking here, and Abby won't let me come back if I do."

"The Aurors?" Snape drawled. "Can't handle me yourself?"

Sirius stood, almost nose-to-nose with Snape. "Fuck off," he snapped. "I can handle you just fine by myself, but I'd rather not get my hands greasy."

Snape punched Sirius then, knocking him into the table. Sirius stood and turned back to Snape with a grin, wiping the blood off his lip. "You wanna go?" he asked. He nodded to the door. "Let's fucking do it then."

"OI!" Aberforth shouted. "Not in my fucking bar!"

Sirius laughed, still grinning. "You heard the man. Let's take it outside."

Snape let out a sound somewhere between a yell and a growl. He grabbed Sirius by the front of his leather jacket and slammed him into the wall. There was a moment of hesitation before Snape moved in to kiss Sirius.

 

Sirius noticed that he didn't kiss him back.

The memory shifted, and the room changed.

 

Sirius and Snape stood in Sirius's kitchen, facing each other. Sirius had his arms crossed in front of his chest. He was wearing his robe and his gray sweatpants. His tattoos were visible. Snape stood across from him, wearing his typical black robes.

Sirius's hand clenched around Lily's. His breaths started becoming quick and shallow. He felt himself start to shake. Remus glanced at him before looking at the memory again.

"Why the fuck are you even here?" Sirius demanded. "I have shit to do tomorrow; I don't have time for this tonight."

"What, another mission for your precious Dumbledore?" Snape asked.

"No," Sirius simply replied. "If you must know, Lily's getting married in the morning."

Snape started, stunned by the information. He shook his head. "She wouldn't do that," he argued.

Sirius laughed. "Why the fuck wouldn't she?" he asked. "She's been with Mary since we were fifteen years old. I'm surprised it's taken them this long."

Snape shook his head again. "No!" he snapped. "She's meant to be with me!"

Sirius laughed again. "You're fucking delusional," he replied. "You don't own her. Everyone knows that you disgust her – especially after that stunt you pulled."

"It wasn't a stunt!" Snape argued. "She wanted it just as much as I did!"

Sirius stared at Snape with confusion on his face. "What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked.

"She loves me," Snape insisted. "We had sex. She loves me. She wouldn't marry someone else. She just needs to come to terms with it. Once she does, I can protect her."

"You're fucking insane," Sirius said before he started to walk to the door.

"DON'T FUCKING WALK AWAY FROM ME!" Snape shouted. Sirius froze in place. Snape walked up to him and pushed him onto the table. Sirius folded over the top of it, and Snape stepped up behind him before he started pulling down Sirius's pants.

 

Sirius let out a sob. Remus reached up to put a hand over his ear as he leaned into Remus's chest. He held Sirius's head firmly, letting the sounds of his heart and breathing drown out all other sounds. Sirius clenched his eyes shut. Lily put her other hand on his shoulder.

The memory shifted again, before anyone saw what happened next, but they didn't need to. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief until he saw himself sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. He started whispering under his breath about not wanting to see it again.

 

"You're just a whore with a pretty face."

 

Sirius flinched at the words.

 

"I'll prepay you for next time," Snape said. "You can decide if the information is worth it or not when I come back. Next Tuesday, there's going to be an attack on the head of the Department of Secrecy," he said. "Do something with that or not, I don't care. I'll be back on Wednesday. Maybe a few nights of that cold bed will help you realize that you like this as much as I do."

Sirius glared at him. "I said, 'don't come back’," he insisted.

 

Sirius stood in his living room, looked through the open doorway at Snape, who pushed his way inside and forced Sirius to his knees. He hit him, shoved him toward the couch. Sirius tripped over the table and fell. Snape picked him up and threw him onto the couch before he forcefully pulled Sirius's pants down.

 

Sirius had tears streaming down his face as he stared at the last memory. Him on the floor, Snape strangling him, Remus coming to his rescue. He stared at his lifeless body, counting the seconds. Thirty. He had been unconscious for thirty seconds. He watched as he called out to Remus, as Remus frantically scrambled over to him and made sure he was alive. As he petrified Snape and called for the Aurors while Lily dragged the Slytherin from the room.

Dumbledore waved his wand. The memory faded from view. Remus's body felt like stone under Sirius. His muscles were rigid. Sirius could feel his shallow, quick breaths over his forehead, but Remus's body didn't move with them.

Sirius couldn't watch the last two memories, and his face was pressed against Remus's chest while they played. But Remus had watched them all. He had seen it all.

Dumbledore's voice echoed through the room when he spoke. Everyone else was in complete silence. "You all know that these memories were untampered," he said. "You know the curse he's under. You know that he's incapable of testifying. Accept the memories as his testimony."

Someone cleared their throat. "Do we need to hear from the accused?"

"No," someone else answered. "I've seen enough."

"Shall we call a vote?"

The vote was unanimous. Sirius watched as the Aurors cleared away the Pensive. Snape was brought into the courtroom a few minutes later. Sirius gasped softly at the sight of him. His hair hung in ropes around his face and was matted in the back. His sallow skin was paler than normal. He wore the striped jumpsuit that all prisoners wore. There were stains everywhere, and Sirius knew he didn't want to know what the stains were from. His feet were bloody and bare. His ankles were chained. His hands matched his feet with a chain tying his wrists together. Another chain connected his arms to his legs. The Aurors shoved Snape into a chair that appeared in the center of the room. One pulled out her wand and shackled Snape to it. He shook his head to look at everyone. One eye was swollen shut. The other looked like the soul had already left him. His eye fell on Sirius, and he smirked.

Remus growled low in his throat. Sirius knew he was the only one who heard it. He reached for Remus's hand and held it tightly. Lily's hand on Sirius's shoulder tightened. The growling stopped. For now.

"Severus Tobias Snape," the head of the Wizengamot said as he stepped forward. "You have been found guilty of all charges. Your sentence, to be carried out immediately, is the Dementor's Kiss."

Sirius sucked in a breath as the temperature in the room plummeted. Remus's had tightened around Sirius's. They clutched at each other, assaulted by feelings of despair. Lily gasped and held her hand over her mouth.

The Dementor moved in front of Snape. It reached out and took his face with one bony hand, forcing his mouth open. They watched, in horror, as the Dementor began to suck in a breath deeper than anything a human could hold.

Sirius and Remus turned to each other, turning away from the horror of watching Snape get his soul sucked out of his body. Lily buried her face in Sirius's back until he reached back and drew her into the circle of his and Remus's arms. Sirius wasn't sure when they'd stood, but they were no longer sitting on the bench. The lights grew dimmer the longer the Dementor was there.

They heard Snape start to gag and struggle against the Dementor. They heard the eerie whoosh of the Dementor's breath as it continued to suck the soul out. He could hear other sounds, cries of pain and agony mixed with it, but Snape only gurgled.

Sirius looked up one last time and saw it. The shimmery, glowing, silvery-blue orb that was Snape's soul. It illuminated his face as well as the Dementor's shrouded form. Somehow, knowing that Snape actually had a soul made Sirius wonder if there was ever a possibility that he could have been a decent human. If he could have been better. If he might not have been an abuser and a rapist.

The light from the soul was dim. The shroud covering the Dementor's face lifted, and Sirius gasped in horror at seeing its true face. Skeletal, with strips of decaying flesh hanging off of it. The Dementor opened its maw, and the soul drifted inside. The moment the light from the soul disappeared, Snape slumped over, and Sirius screamed as every nerve turned to fire before he fell to the floor, out of the circle of Remus and Lily's arms, his body convulsing, and darkness took him.

Notes:

Okay, um... yeah. That happened. And, um... this chapter? Yeah, it's one of the reasons I'm doing this 12 Days of Christmas upload rush because I can't leave you guys hanging on a chapter like this for two to three days. I just can't. Limbo with Sirius in this state? Really? Noooooo. Okay, to be fair, I'd probably do a double upload on this chapter, but, let's be real, there's also the chance that I wouldn't and it's really just better to do it this way because I have something else in the works and I want to get to that, but I need to finish uploading this first. It's a whole thing in my brain.
Favorite part about this chapter? Remus being practically feral over what happens to Sirius. That whole "I'm gonna kill him" moment? Loved that. But... let's be real, this chapter was rough so finding a "favorite" part of it is both really hard and lowkey easy because obviously it's gonna be a moment like that. Also, there's that point where Remus, Sirius, and Lily are all just holding each other to protect each other from what's happening because literally none of them want to see that shit.

Notes:

So, welcome to my therapy project? lol Um... yeah. I recently clawed my way out of a DV situation and channeled that into... this. The story is fully written, and I'll be posting a chapter every week.

As a warning, it does get worse before it gets better. This story does have a happy ending. The content does get graphic. I do encourage you to take care of yourself, though, and if that means you can't read this, then I understand that. <3 I'll put up TWs for every chapter so you have an idea of what's coming.