Chapter Text
“I knew it wouldn’t last.”
Shauna Shipman raised an eyebrow as she watched unmoving, from her place at the small writing desk across the room.
She looked on as her boyfriend Adam grunted, shoving himself farther into the tiny closet as he struggled to pull a too-large suitcase down from a too-narrow shelf. “Knew what wouldn’t last?”
He wrenched it out with a full-body pull, luggage hitting the ground unceremoniously as he leaned back to catch his breath, using the massively oversized carry-on as a makeshift chair. His cheeks reddened with the exertion, pink hues peeking out from under the short facial hair Shauna liked but didn’t ever love.
“The room. I think we jinxed it.” He shook his head side to side, faux ashamed. “I should never have commented on it! The second you comment on it, you’re screwed.”
“And the housing office, they had zero to do with this?” Shauna chuckled as she looked on to see him now struggling with the next suitcase stuck in the depths of the closet.
“Exactly, thank you!” He husked, out of breath already, arms above his head, trying to nudge the suitcase on its side to make it easier to remove.
“Of course. Why wouldn't some unknown, mystical power of the universe be behind you getting a new roommate as opposed to, say, the housing office?”
“I got spoiled, going all summer without one.” He sounded a little petulant while he jumped up, angling his body towards the remaining suitcase as he tried to prod it with the extra force behind his movements. In all actuality, Adam looked less like a capable adult performing a household task and more like one of those wind up dog toys making the tiny bark sound and doing surprisingly good (but also tiny) backflips.
Technically speaking, it wasn't crazy of him to assume or hope he wouldn't get assigned someone new. Usually the Juniors got their on-campus housing filled immediately, the upper years less likely to return home for summers and holidays than the younger students were.
After Adam’s old roommate (another boring art guy) had moved out of their apartment at the end of last spring semester, Adam had been roommate-free, a rarity for a campus this big.
Adam expected a new one to come immediately. But as the days passed, he started to wonder if maybe the housing gods had favored him, sparing him a new roommate to assist him in his quest to convince the girl he’d recently started dating to spend more time with him.
It wasn’t that Shauna didn’t want to spend time with him! Not at all. She genuinely liked him a lot, and they’d had a lot of fun together, she just preferred being alone in general. She also liked doing her homework or journaling in the quiet. Her apartment could be a little louder, sure, but she had her own room, and the solace was nice.
Adam’s second bedroom went untouched for weeks before he dangled a list of enticing carrots in front of Shauna’s face, hoping she’d bite on at least one of them. “You could use the room as your office! Empty space, no annoying neighbor scream-singing Alanis on the other side of the wall, a little writing desk just for you, your handsome boyfriend in the next room for easy access anytime you’d like to see him…”
They’d only been dating for a few months at that time, but Adam seemed locked in, already confident she was the one. Once, he sort of (half) jokingly brought up Shauna potentially moving into the empty room, but she laughed so loud, and so immediately that he never brought it up again. To this day, she still refers to it as “the funniest thing he’s ever said” to her friends. He’s never been sure why.
Since Shauna wasn’t ready to move in, Adam wanted to make it explicitly clear just how welcome she was there. He could’ve used the second bedroom as an art studio, saving himself the trouble of walking all the way across campus to use the space provided to him in the art building, but he wanted to make a gesture to show how much she meant to him.
So, Adam kept the room almost completely free of his own belongings (save for a little extra clutter and oversized suitcases with nowhere else to go), letting Shauna use the room with the pre-furnished desk for her writing. He told Shauna to consider the space her very own private office.
“If the door’s closed, I promise to never bother you! The room will be off limits- No Adams Allowed, I could make a sign and everything.” He liked the idea of her being closer to him. Her being only a few feet away when his favorite shows came on, plying her with dinner and a glass of wine, encouraging her to take a break from her homework to join him on the sofa.
For the last two months, the second bedroom had unofficially been “Shauna’s office.” It really was a great, thoughtful gesture. But Shauna always felt more comfortable calling it "the second bedroom” instead of her office, and mainly still preferred writing from home. Also, Adam didn’t respect the closed door offer as much as he had initially pitched. But that was okay! Choosing to live off-campus meant she lived in a farther, busier building, which meant if she wanted to be at her place, it meant a lot more noise from every direction while she was trying to focus.
And going to an Ivy League school meant Shauna needed a lot of time to focus, especially because for some godforsaken reason she’d decided to pursue a double major: creative writing and English Lit. She’d decided to torture herself a little more by tacking on some electives as well, an art class on the female form her freshman year, photography sophomore year, and this year, a film studies course.
She wasn’t sure exactly what drew her to the classes she chose- well, for the most part. Shauna picked up drawing her senior year in high school as a creative outlet (other than her angry journaling, which may have been hindering more than helping), and it kind of stuck. She wasn’t the best at it, but she didn’t take it so seriously that she needed to critique herself like she might have in high school. Also, drawing beautiful, nude models every week wasn’t exactly a hardship.
Photography she’d liked but never did with much intention. She loved taking photos of her friends in high school, her walls covered in photos of her with all the girls on her soccer team, girls who for the most part were still in her life, in one way or another, however far away they might have been.
And film studies, Shauna took partly to have something to talk to Van about for when one of them visited the other, and partly because she’d always enjoyed dissecting movies. She never thought she did it as well as Van or had as many interesting insights as her, so she tended not to do it in front of most people, but with a certain chosen few, if she’d get really excited about a film, she wouldn’t hold herself back.
She’d stare at them eagerly, vibrating with excitement until they looked over and asked her what she wanted to share. And once those flood gates were open, it was hard to get them to close.
She’d spew fun trivia. “Did you know they only did this shot one time? The effects were all practical and so expensive but the director insisted, so the studio told him he’d have one chance to do it right or they’d try to do it digitally instead. And he pulled it off!”
Or mention behind the scenes gossip she’d heard. “She had to wear a wig for this because she was shooting two movies at the same time. She’d do this one Monday through Wednesday, and the other one Thursday through Saturday. She only had one day off a week for 5 months straight, can you believe that?”
Or even silly things she’d heard in passing and just hoped were true. “Apparently that’s jackfruit they’re eating instead of actual meat. Obviously they wouldn’t serve them real people, but they found a way to make this random giant spiky piece of fruit look like meat so the cast didn’t have to eat gross meat all day long.”
Some of her friends grew tired of her chatter after long enough, but one or two never did. Even if they didn’t really care about what she was saying, they cared about her enough to get excited about her getting excited, and that was enough.
But this semester, she was juggling a heavy courseload, and because Adam’s apartment was on-campus housing, and he did have that extra room she could use to work, and her building was really noisy a lot, it made sense to crash here more. Which meant she’d been using his second bedroom a lot more often in the last couple of weeks, sometimes working so late, she slept in that room instead of going down the hall to sleep next to Adam.
Unfortunately, today, her close-to-campus temporary office space was going away. Shauna wasn’t particularly that excited about the prospect of a new roommate for him. She didn’t love sleeping away from her place, but one of her classes was at 9am, and that 15 minutes of extra commute in the morning could really hit hard after an all nighter.
Also, Adam’s last roommate was boring as shit.
They tried to pair them with someone “compatible,” which, did that mean the Brown housing department also thought Adam was boring as shit? Or did it just mean they had overlapping classes or interests?
The guy they gave him last time was another art major, but one of those over-serious classicalist bullshit know-it-alls who looked down on everyone who didn’t know the difference between Monet and Manet, or how to distinguish a 15th century painting from a 16th century replica. It made Shauna feel insane, having to listen to a random man lecture her on something no one in their right mind should give a shit about.
But, those extra 15 minutes in the morning sucked. Especially on a Monday. So for the few months that she was dating Adam while the roommate was living there, she suffered.
Maybe this next guy would be more fun at least. Adam had turned into quite the homebody as of late, which was… fine, but once they hit the four month mark of dating, it was like he turned into a 60 year old man, barely wanting to go out to bars or parties, or test out new restaurants, or drive into the city on a whim to see her friends, even with a few weeks’ notice
A whim was, at this point, a foreign concept to Adam. His homebody persona had even carried over into the bedroom.
Adam was sweet. So sweet. He really was. But dear god had Shauna been fucking bored lately.
If this new guy was more Shauna’s speed, they’d have a 2 against 1 thing going and could theoretically peer pressure Adam (out of love kindness, of course) into being fun again.
Shauna wasn’t bored in their relationship. Well, okay, she was a little. Sure, he’d recently become a bit like white rice and boiled chicken personified. But Adam was sweet! Nice.
It was a Wednesday night, so after Adam cleared his things out of the second bedroom, Shauna knew he’d want to cook, ironically, chicken and rice with some sort of green vegetable, and sit on the couch to eat it while they watched The Amazing Race, which was, for some reason, Adam’s favorite show.
Shauna never wanted to refer to the second bedroom as “her office” for fear it would give Adam the wrong idea. She also never corrected him when he said it. His brown eyes lit up so much when he’d call it that, and she couldn’t go out of her way to crush his spirit.
And who knows, maybe one day she’d want to have a place with him where they’d both equally want to call the second bedroom her office!
Maybe.
At some point.
Only a few of her things made it into that room, a couple changes of clothes, some flannels in the shitty ikea chest of drawers, and a set of her sheets on the bed.
Initially, Adam had gotten sad, even a little offended that Shauna brought sheets over, “If you have a fully made bed in here, you’ll be less likely to come spend the night with me!” To which Shauna would always think, duh doy.
He said she could consider it an office, a place where, if the door was shut, he would act like she wasn’t there. If it were her real office, she’d want to be able to crash there without feeling guilty for not going down the hall to share a bed with some guy instead!
Not that Adam was just some guy. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, obviously he was some guy. For now. He could be something more, later, though. Her mom kind of liked him. In theory, at least. Shauna wouldn’t let him meet her just yet. Deb wasn’t someone Shauna would bring just anyone home to. The only person Shauna would have even considered bringing home to meet her—
Shauna’s friends that had met him thought he was pretty nice. But for now, he was some guy that she wanted the option of sleeping next to or not, so she ignored his whining and brought over sheets and a pillowcase (just one) in case she’d wanted to sleep in the second bedroom.
All that to say, she only had a few things to pack up in the event a scenario like this occurred (or if they broke up, but she’d never tell him that) meaning she would need to clear her things out of the space quickly.
It was fine.
Everything was fine.
Adam was nice.
He usually didn’t mind if she ignored his shows to write instead, or journal, as long as she hung out on the sofa with him while she did it. She didn't even find his company too distracting most of the time. It could actually be pleasant in a way-- until he started touching her.
Shauna wasn’t the most touchy-feely person in the world. At least not now.
Back in high school, it was a different story. When Shauna was a teen, she’d hold hands with her friends, cuddle watching a movie, even spooning while they slept. There were countless many nights that her mom would come home after a long shift to find her and one of her friends piled on top of each other, TV screen fuzzy with static after reaching the end of her overplayed Beaches VHS.
College Shauna was a different story. The one time Adam tried to spoon her, she sleep-kicked him in the groin so hard he almost passed out. She might’ve felt bad if she hadn’t told him she didn’t like to be touched when she slept. She warned him and everything, so him almost fainting from the pain was on him.
She wasn’t actually that touchy with that many of her friends in high school. Technically, she was really only touchy touchy with one person. Everyone else she would let hug her or sometimes grab her arm while they led her around the mall or whatever, which was much more than she allowed now, shirking away from most hugs unless they came from girls she'd known forever-- Nat pulling her close at the end of a weekend Shauna spent visiting her in New York. Of course the hug was usually followed by a punch on the arm and a "start calling me more, you dick!" (always said with love, the punches never hard enough to actually hurt).
Or from Van during Spring Break after Shauna agreed to accompany her on a full day of back-to-back-to-back screenings of Van's favorite movies, a one-day event at Van's preferred dollar theatre showing films Tai would've never wanted to see one of, let alone three of, so Shauna being in town that weekend felt like kismet. The hug so big and smile on Van's face so big, it was enough to make up for the fact that she'd force Shauna to buy all their snacks for the day. "I work at an independent video store, and live in the most expensive city in the world. The only snack I can afford is like, a dented can of beans from the Gristedes around the corner."
Those were the types of physical connection she'd allow now, usually placed upon her while she fake-grimaced, pretending it was a chore but always secretly enjoying it just a little at being appreciated so much from people who knew her so well. People who knew not all, but a lot of parts of her, and still liked her. Still wanted her around, despite it all. That kind of physical touch she was okay with, on occasion.
There was ever only one person she was truly, wholly comfortable with, when it came to a kind of constant, physical connection.
One person where Shauna not only didn’t mind when her hand would come to cup Shauna’s ankle as they’d watch a show together. Or when she’d make sure to lay close enough together to run her fingers through Shauna’s hair, all sprawled out on the big L-Shaped sectional in Jackie’s movie room. Or when they’d be curled up together at night, spooning so close, wrapped around each other so much that Shauna’s mom would joke she “didn’t know where one girl ended and the other began.”
They were pulled to each other so instinctually, like a magnetic force drew them together, insisting this is how things should be, were meant to be. What it should feel like.
With her, Shauna didn’t just not mind the touch, she’d crave it.
But that was then. And this was now.
And now meant Adam. Her boyfriend. Who was nice. But whose touch did set her off sometimes, even if he didn't mean to, even if she tried her best to not be so distracted by it. It was hard to focus with his caring, but hot and clammy hand wrapped around her calf as she tried to journal on the couch, ignoring not just the distracting palm, but also the TV screen where two people apparently made it to Germany. Just like the other two people. And the other two people. And the people last week. And the people next week. Why the fuck did Adam like this show? It seemed like nothing.
Also, who grabs someone's calf?
She wasn’t about to say that, though. Shauna learned pretty quickly how sensitive Adam could be. Which was a good thing, overall, really. It was nice to date someone who cared so much, and verbalized his feelings. And considered her feelings so openly. And never said anything to upset her on purpose. And was so communicative about every goddamn feeling he’d ever had with her.
Shauna knew that if she were to say something like, ‘can you please move your hot hand from my calf? It’s driving me nuts.” It would upset him immensely. It had upset him immensely in the past. Each time it also lead to an incredibly boring discussion about their feelings, and his love languages and whatever bullshit he needed to get out before she could get back to her work. It could get exhausting.
Again, he was so nice. And kind. And whatever else she also said before.
But, sometimes she had to work so hard to step around his feelings that his kindness would be more frustrating than appealing.
Being so emotional and predictable did help sometimes. Shauna wanted to make him leave her alone, not just for this moment, but for the whole night, so she did some reverse psychology to make him want to leave her alone so she wouldn’t have to upset him.
Were men always this annoying?
No. She loved liked Adam! A lot! Which is why she wanted to spare his feelings in the first place. Which is why, instead of ripping his moist palm from her calf and threatening to break his fingers one by one, she instead sprang up in her seat.
“We should go to a bar! Or there’s this new underground club opening up across town I heard about that’d be pretty fun. The DJ starts his set at 10, but it goes until 3, so we’d have plenty of time to get there.”
And just like that, the words were Adam repellant. The homebody in him flinched, and he pulled back his hand, suddenly apologetic to her. Bingo.
“I have run club at like 6 AM. I actually should head to bed now, babe, I’m sorry.”
Babe. That was another thing.
Like the touching.
She didn’t like babe.
She didn’t want to be called babe.
Not by him.
Not by anyone.
Well- no. Not by anyone.
Also, run club?? Ugh. The people that did run club were more annoying than the barefoot guys on campus– the really rich white guys with performative majors who always used a leather side bag and carried around a piece of feminist literature they could pretend to read on the Quad.
It didn’t go unnoticed by Shauna that most of those guys hadn’t flipped a single page in more than a year.
But Adam was in run club. Which met at 6. Which meant he was up at 5. Because he didn’t drive to run club. No, no. He ran to run club. He ran to run just to come back and run again.
If Adam had shown these sides of himself when he and Shauna first met, well, she probably wouldn’t be in the middle of her 800th episode of The Amazing Race, where she couldn’t tell you the name of even one person on her screen. Every week, total strangers. Not one detail would stick in her mind from that show.
Actually, when she and Adam first met, he was the opposite. He was fun! He went out!
He invited her places. Bars, clubs, concerts. He was adventurous! He took them on fun hikes around the outskirts of town. He let her peg him!
Like full on fuck him in the ass peg him.
Not with one of those small strap ons just meant for anal, either. He let her use a big one.
She made him buy it, obviously. She wasn’t about to use one of her own on a man and then turn around and use it on another woman one day.
Not that she assumed they’d break up. She really didn’t.
Adam was probably just in a funk. He was dealing with a lot as an art major with a part time job. She assumed. He could be! She realized she didn’t really ask him many questions about himself. But that was just because he told her just about everything without her having to! See? Communicative!
But still! The guy she started dating was the kind of guy who heard his girlfriend barely mention she’d actually really be into pegging him so he drove them to a sex shop that night to let her pick out whichever one she thought was best. Partially because he really had zero clue what he was doing and didn’t know what could fit up there, and partially because it was hot seeing her get so excited about hooking up with him.
Sadly for Shauna, the pegging was a one time thing. He didn’t hate it, but he didn’t love it. So, back to vanilla sex they went.
The night of pegging did remind Shauna how much she liked being in charge in bed. Throwing someone around and making them do whatever she wanted. Being adventurous in general. It was more fun.
She thought back on her one-time pegging experience fondly as she remembered why she started dating him in the first place, forcing herself to remember it as she looked over to see him now on the other side of the room, brandishing what seemed to be a set of small, octagonal, skin-colored foam pads, “they’re supposed to stop chafing!”
“What the fuck are you holding?” She tried to hold in her disgust at the word chafing.
“Nipple covers! Now you don’t have to worry about touching my chest when we, uh, you know.”
“Fuck?” She looked confused, annoyed. She hated this conversation.
“Yes, when we fuck.” Adam blushed. He wasn’t the most comfortable talking about sex, despite being a person who immediately knew the closest sex shop the second Shauna brought up pegging. (Apparently the shop was on his way to work, so he’d been passing it daily for years). “Okay, it is 9:45 so I’m gonna hit the hay. Come join me when you’re done?”
Adam leaned down to give Shauna a kiss on the forehead, the nipple covers he was holding dangling right in front of her face.
“Yep. Be there in a bit.” Shauna sighed. It’s not that she particularly wanted to have sex with him, especially not after that nipple comment, but he wasn’t even trying to fuck her. Shouldn’t they still be in the honeymoon phase? Shouldn’t they both not be able to keep their hands off each other still?
Shauna had a higher sex drive than Adam, across the board. In the beginning, he seemed to be on the same page- they had sex all the time- well, a few times a week at least. Which was a lot for Adam. And the rest of the time, Shauna would find workarounds.
Before they were exclusive, she’d spend her solo nights out at one of two places: the dive bar on the other side of campus, far enough that Adam would never end up there. Or the gay bar across town, another place he wouldn’t venture out to.
She’d have a beer at the bar and chat up whatever cute girl or guy (usually girl) that came her way. And if the night went well, she’d fuck them in the bathroom and leave by herself, or bring whoever it was back to her place and end up sated but exhausted.
Since they’d become official, Adam had politely requested (insisted) Shauna stop fucking other people, which made sense. That’s what couples did. And she was happy to do it. But being in a relationship where you weren’t on the same page, sexually, was difficult.
There also was one more reason Shauna was going to miss having the second bedroom available. Since there was already a bed in there, with a lock on the door, Shauna had taken to using it as a good spot to touch herself. It started out just when Adam wasn’t in the mood, or when he was too tired or his body hurt from running 2000 miles or whatever it was he did, or when she just needed to get herself off and the idea of his moist hands on her body was ruining it.
But lately she’d come to use that room first. Before going to Adam to get her off.
He was just so unappealing lately and she knew it would take a lot longer to get in the mood if he was involved. He was probably just going through something, and she really didn’t want to make him feel worse about it, so she took matters into her own hands, so to speak.
She would need to find a new spot to masturbate at his place if he expected her to keep spending the night. The bathroom was out of the question- the walls in there were even thinner than at her place, a fact Shauna always forgot until she heard Adam attempt to sing his way through American Pie, an almost nine minute song he was determined to sing his way through during every shower.
She could go back to her apartment to do it, but if she did that, she might as well just stay home. With all the driving, in that case, she might as well just not go to Adam’s at all, which he really wouldn’t like. He loved spending as much time with her as possible. And she usually did enjoy it too.
It was nice knowing there was someone who was always there. Someone who wanted to cook her dinner, even if it was bland, and who remembered her mom’s birthday for her.
So she’d find a new place to masturbate at his house.
She could just imagine the look on his new roommates’ face if she said what she wanted, which was basically, “Hey, I know I don’t know you, but I’ve been using your room to jerk off for the last few months, your bed specifically. Would you mind clearing out for a bit so I can get off? It’s just that Adam has become really boring in bed and apparently 6 AM run club is more important than fucking me, so I really need to get off. You mind?”
Actually, that didn’t sound so bad. Reasonable, even.
Maybe the roommate would be chill about it.
He’d probably get really excited about a girl using his room to masturbate.
Eh, now that she put it like that, it lost its appeal. She shouldn’t give some guy any reason to think about her in a sexual way. She didn’t want anyone to! Other than Adam. Her boyfriend.
Who was nice.
And nice was good.
Reliable.
With Adam, she knew what to expect. He was… stable. There weren’t any surprises. And when they met, she needed someone like that.
When Shauna first got to college, she was untethered, a wild card. She came to Brown knowing absolutely no one but dove in head first. She spent her Freshman year figuring out her sexuality.
She always knew, on some level, that she was attracted to women. She’d had her share of slumber party make outs, or on the rare occasion something more. But those nights were different. They were practice. They didn’t mean anything.
When she got to college though, Shauna let herself explore what all those feelings she’d tried not to think about actually meant, and after meeting some girls through the gay student union, and talking to more openly queer people about their identities and their lives and journeys– Shauna realized she was really fucking gay.
Bisexual, to be exact.
Which, again, she knew, in a way. On a cerebral level. She had to be pretty gay to get up to some of the things she did in high school, she just wouldn’t, couldn’t let herself acknowledge it.
So, at Brown, she did acknowledge it.
By fucking her way through almost all of the queer, femme-leaning women in her Freshman class. She didn’t particularly have a type, per se, but she’d find herself drawn to feminine girls. Girls that were just a fraction shorter than her. Girls with bossy energy and dark blonde hair with hazel eyes. Or girls with bratty energy, with honey blonde hair and green eyes.
She never dated any of those women.
She never dated anyone. Just spent time with them. An hour. Or a night, sometimes two, and then went on with her life. It was easier that way. Safer.
Shauna never let herself get too attached, which meant she never got hurt.
She used those girls to fill her time (among other things) and to keep herself from thinking. And at a certain point, after spending so many nights mindlessly meeting people she barely talked to, let alone shared anything with, Shauna hit a wall.
It wasn’t like she was completely closed off to actually dating any of them, it was just- she had high standards. Standards that might have been a little unrealistic, but not impossible.
She knew for a fact they were possible. She’d meet these women, and they’d quickly disappoint her by not being the person she wanted them to be. Getting frustrated because they didn’t share some sort of inherent mind-blowing connection, an immediate tether- an electricity that said this is the person I want to be around.
When they didn’t provide that, Shauna would leave, moving onto the next dark blonde with sharp eyes and soft skin to see if she’d fill the void.
Each hollow night made her feel more sad and empty than the last. She was depressed from the endless disappointment, exhausted from the lack of sleep, and hopeless at the thought of never finding someone who could give her what she was looking for.
She didn’t really know Adam when he asked her out, not well. They shared a gen ed class or two freshman year. Adam says he noticed Shauna on the very first day of class. But it took him another year to get up the nerve to talk to her.
Shauna didn’t necessarily believe it, but it was sweet.
He was sweet.
She needed someone like Adam to balance her out. Shauna had unraveled in a way, a result of spending two years searching for something she feared was unattainable. Something that she couldn’t get, something that even if she did get it, it still wouldn’t be right. Because it wouldn’t be–
No, Adam was safe.
He was never going to lie to her. Or pull the rug out from under her. Or act like she meant–
– He was a good fit because he was so, for lack of a better word, good. A good guy. Fine. Enough.
He was someone Shauna could really enjoy spending her time with, someone she might one day come to love, but she knew their relationship would never be the kind that burned hot, that had the ability to scar her, or worse, to break her. It was safe, it was what she’d needed.
Even though they’d only been dating for half a year, it seemed like Adam was already in it for the long haul. He made it clear to Shauna that, no matter what happened, he would never be the one to leave her. And maybe she needed at least one person she could count on for that.
After Adam was asleep, Shauna killed some time by tidying the place up. Maybe his new roommate would be a little cleaner, too. She didn’t mind a little mess as long as it was a controlled mess, or messy for a fun reason, like messy because they couldn’t keep their hands off each other so they ripped each other's clothes off and fucked on the kitchen counter, or they threw everything off the desk or the dining room table to have sex on that. But that wasn’t this.
She stayed up late journaling about it all, and by the time she looked at a clock, she’d resigned herself to sleeping in the second bedroom, again.
The next morning as Shauna got ready for class, packing her things, she eyed the still empty apartment. “Are you sure this guy’s moving in today?”
“The office said by today. It’s sweet you wanted to stick around to meet him, sorry he’s not here yet.” Adam shrugged. “Maybe he’s a night owl like you. Hey, if he's a lit major, it could give you someone to have late night writing sessions with.”
Shauna wasn’t necessarily looking forward to meeting him, but part of her did want to sate her curiosity. The other, bigger part, was sticking around an extra few minutes because it had started to drizzle outside and Shauna wanted to wait out the rain before walking to class.
“Maybe!” She couldn’t imagine willingly wanting to spend time with yet another straight guy. Let alone trying to write with a random (most likely boring) stranger just a few feet away from her. Also, was Adam that secure in their relationship that he was already offering up the idea that she could spend late nights alone with his roommate? What if his roommate was super hot or something, would he still be pitching these ideas then?
Not that she would be interested in him, anyway. It took a lot for Shauna to be attracted to a man. Women came a lot easier to her. She found the majority of women beautiful or compelling or at least interesting in some way, but men were a different story. They were usually boring or ugly or just annoying to her, and had to have a lot more attractive characteristics for her to give them the time of day. Basically, she liked men, but she loved women. Dating them. She hadn't let herself love anyone in a long time.
Adam was actually the closest she'd come to feeling something love-adjacent in years. She eyed him up and down as he sidled up to her, putting his arm around her shoulder and pulling her in close. “This will give you a great excuse to come by later, you can meet the elusive Jack… something.”
“Jack Something, huh?” Shauna’s lips turned up into a grin. He could be cute when he wanted to be.
Adam nodded, giving her a kiss on the forehead before she pulled away from him, patting his chest with her hand before grabbing for her backpack.
“Yep, he's a regular international man of mystery. He does have a real last name, though. It’s something random. One of those two first name situations that are always impossible to remember.”
“Maybe I’ll come by later to meet you and Jack Something for dinner.” As she spoke, Shauna already knew she wasn’t going to come over that night. She had too much to do at home and wanted a night to herself, but Adam always got so excited when she'd offer, his eyes lighting up, that she continued to pretend, just like when she didn't correct him about calling the second bedroom her office. It made him happy and didn't really take anything away from her.
It was easier.
Because things with him were easier.
Because he was easier.
Later that night, Shauna had gotten her long list of tedious house chores done and was finally sitting down to relax. All day she’d been daydreaming of lighting a nice candle, having a beer, and journaling on the couch. The second she sat down, notebook on her lap, and cracked open her beer, her phone rang.
She groaned, but rolled over to answer it. “Yeah?” She grumbled into the phone- eager to make it known she emphatically did not want to be having whatever discussion was about to happen.
It was Adam giving her an update on his roommate situation. Apparently Jack continued to be an enigma, having yet to make an appearance. Well, he did at some point, but it seemed to have been while Adam was in class. It looked like he’d brought in a few boxes and left just as quickly. Maybe avoiding the rain that had continued on and off throughout the day?
“I think he might have a girlfriend, he’s got a lot of girly stuff. Throw pillows and stuff.”
As they spoke, Shauna paced around the apartment, her cordless phone letting her walk anywhere she wanted without fear of getting tangled as she sipped her beer.
“Throw pillows mean he has a girlfriend?”
“Name one guy you know with throw pillows.” Adam joked with her. He could be funny when he wanted to be. Plus, he had a point.
“Or!” He continued, “He could be gay! Not that there’s anything wrong with that! I have nothing against, you know, gay. Everybody’s cool with me. I wouldn’t mind.”
Shauna chuckled, nodding. “Your allyship is noted. Thank you.”
Adam let out a sigh. “I know I'm interrupting your solo night, I just wanted to give you an update since you seemed interested earlier. Hopefully by tomorrow morning I’ll be able to at least let you know if my new roommate is gay or just has a girlfriend.”
A gay guy for a roommate could be fun. But the idea of another guy with a girlfriend, not so much. Adam’s apartment was already small, and the idea of adding in two more people felt claustrophobic already.
“Exciting.”
Shauna was already back on the couch, pen in hand by the time he hung up.
The next afternoon, Shauna got another update. By the time Adam woke up for the day, it seemed Jack (and potentially his girlfriend as well) had come and gone. It did look like they’d slept there, though - there was a faint perfume smell left behind, so Adam knew the guy actually existed. Also, based on the perfume, he was leaning towards guessing the roommate was more likely the guy with a girlfriend as opposed to the gay guy. “It smelled super flowery. Not really guy-ish at all.”
If it was a guy who had a girlfriend, maybe she’d be really fun, or dare she dream that both of them would be! If they were fun, they could help Adam get out of his shell! Or if they were boring, they might stick to his room, or stay at her place a lot.
Shauna figured the latter was less likely, if this guy spent one or two nights in the apartment and already had his girlfriend over both nights, Shauna had a feeling that was going to be how the rest of the year played out, too.
She just hoped this girlfriend was normal.
Not a weirdo.
Or that the guy wasn't another pompous art asshole.
Just people Shauna could get along with well, especially if, while she and Adam were dating, they were going to be around each other so much.
It wasn’t until the next night that Shauna finally came face to face with the elusive Jack Something.
Shauna choked on her wine as her eyes went wide. “Sorry, what name did you say?”
Adam had spent the day missing his roommate again. “I can't tell what their schedules are! I know he and his girlfriend are coming by, because the perfume smell sticks around! We somehow never cross paths, though."
He’d pulled up the info sheet the housing department had printed out for him, reading out all the info they provided about his new roommate, his major, his year, and most helpfully, his full name. Adam had wracked his brain to figure out if he’d met this guy already, but came up blank, so he mentioned it to Shauna, seeing if it rang a bell for her.
“Jack Taylor, yeah. Do you, uh, know the guy?" Adam looked to Shauna, whose face was pale, nervous to hear her answer. "He’s not somebody you dated or something?” He knew about her past hookups in general, the vague details of them, but he never knew specifics.
He knew that Shauna had a bit of a wild Freshman year. But he didn’t know the names or genders of anyone she hooked up with, nor did he ask. And Shauna definitely didn’t want to share if she didn’t have to. It's not that she was self-conscious about how many women she slept with, she wasn't a prude or anything.
Adam simply didn’t need to know the actual reason her Freshman year was so chaotic. It wasn't necessarily his business that she spent a full calendar year chasing a feeling she could barely name.
Chasing an idea of a person who never existed, not really. Not in the way that Shauna hoped. Not in the way Shauna thought, for just a brief amount of time, that she might.
Adam didn’t need to know that his new roommates’ girlfriend's perfume almost gave her PTSD, a sense memory hitting her like a freight train, throwing her into what may very well have been another lifetime. Into nights spent in a pink, frilly bedroom, so unlike the girl who lived in it, but exactly like the mother who forced the decor and similarly, the expectations upon her. Nights spent whispering under a flowery bedspread, sharing secrets and opening up in a way Shauna didn't think was possible before and never wanted to since.
No, Adam didn’t need to know any of that.
Shauna barely needed to know it. She did her best to attempt to avoid ever thinking about it. To divert her thoughts the moment they veered toward the well-worn path that couldn't help but draw her eye.
But on her lonelier nights, the really empty ones, Shauna let herself fully think back on the past. She’d sit staring into space, sinking into the feeling, letting it overtake her like a wave, like submerging herself in a tub and feeling the pressure of the gallons of water over her body, pressing, pressing down. She let herself daydream thoughts that felt in equal parts like a dream and a nightmare, wondering what her life would look like if things had gone just a little differently. If she’d said one thing different, or pushed a little harder a certain night, past her own insecurities, past her fears. Cursing herself for not. Wondering if it would've mattered if she did.
She wondered if things had played out the way she, for the briefest moment, thought they might, what her days would look like. Her nights. The things she felt, then, so big and all-consuming, would they have grown larger?
Could they have? And if they did, would they have overtaken her? Was it even possible for one person to have a love that big and survive it? Like if things did go differently that day, would it have been impossible to come back from? Did the universe know it would have undoubtedly connected them so fully, cemented them so firmly to each other that they would no longer be two separate people, no longer 'her', and 'I'. They would be an 'us.' Officially. And if that happened, would there be no separation that could happen without irreparably destroying both of them?
That kind of connection that young would have been too much. There would be too much growing to be done on both sides, it would be almost impossible to not fracture connection set so firmly in their youth.
Maybe the reason things turned out the way they did was simply the universe protecting her, keeping her just far enough away from it, so it could only hurt, but not break her.
Or, maybe a few years ago, it was as simple as Shauna misread a situation and went too far. And in doing so, she ruined one of the best things she’d ever had. A thing she thought she came so close to, that now, even years later, she could never let it go.
Was she always going to chase a feeling that felt so intangible, that it felt impossible to recreate?
Like trying to chase the memory of a dream after you wake up. Or remembering a smell from years past. So clear for a glimmer, and then gone, like smoke, the moment you try to capture it.
Which is why she schooled her features, keeping her face blank when she simply said, “No. I don’t know him.”
Adam’s brow furrowed as he waited for her to continue. He knew something was up, but he also knew not to push. Not with Shauna.
She held back a sigh and explained further, letting the tiniest amount of information trickle out of her, unwilling to open the tap fully.
“His name sounded similar to this girl I knew back in high school, that’s all. Should we cook?”
She forced her tone flat, gesturing towards their ingredients Adam had set out. Various vegetables and firm tofu set on the counter, separate and disjointed, ready to be cut and chopped and seared and broken down to their barest form only to be added together to form a recipe Adam’s friend from run club suggested. “It’s high protein, low carb– great for gains.” Whatever those words meant.
Shauna wasn’t about to let her into her thoughts tonight. Wasn't about to let them overtake her. Thinking about her never helped. Thinking about her sent Shauna on a spiral of ‘what ifs?’ What ifs that made her too raw, feel too exposed. She never wanted to be vulnerable like that, not again. And definitely not in front of Adam. In front of Adam, she tried her best to let the thoughts pass by her like leaves falling from a tree, flitting in the wind, acknowledged but not indulged.
The thing about the leaves in the tree, though, was that there were always more, and eventually, they'd become a pile at your feet, impossible to ignore.
No, letting herself sink into thoughts was an act better done in the privacy of her own home, locked in her room, music loud, covers over her head. Those thoughts could peek out in a space where it was safe for Shauna to scream into her pillow, or cry until her eyes ran dry, or masturbate and feel guilty about it, but still do it anyway, feeling sick when she was done. Guilty over thinking about someone who most definitely did not want to be thought of that way. At least, not by Shauna, she reminded herself.
For now, Shauna just wanted Adam to drop the subject so they could cook his boring food, eat his boring dinner, drink his boring wine, and most likely have boring sex.
No, not boring. Vanilla. Nice.
Nice sex. Nice dinner. Nice wine. Nice guy.
This was good for her. Safe, even!
Or it felt that way. For the next hour at least.
Around 9 that night, she and Adam were back in the kitchen, post-bland dinner, (was his run club allergic to seasoning now? she’d have to come out for a midnight snack later) cleaning the dishes.
Well, he was cleaning the dishes while Shauna drank wine and sat on the counter, watching his wash/dry system with an eagle eye. The wine was great, at least! She preferred beer, yes, but Adam liked wine and he couldn’t ever finish a bottle on his own, and she didn’t really mind it all that much, so she drank wine. And watched as he cleaned, rinsed, and dried all of his tableware in a way that wasn't the most streamlined, and ended up getting soap suds all over, but hey, she didn't have to do it, so she wasn't going to comment on it.
When he didn’t have run club in the morning, he actually was very good about keeping his house clean. Another reason Shauna liked him! He was responsible.
He usually took pride in making his place feel as comfortable as possible, as much as it could be with the shitty university provided furniture. It meant he usually kept the counters free of clutter, the small framed photos of them always dusted on their little shelves around the apartment, the couch pillows always fluffed, the floors usually spotless. Shauna could walk around barefoot and never feel gross.
She preferred to wear socks around the house, as her feet always ran cold, but still, the point was, if she wanted to be barefoot, she could! Or, even if she didn't want to be barefoot but ended up needing to be, she could. Which is what was happening now as Shauna hopped down off the counter, previously clean, dry socks now wet from the errant soap suds that had made their way to the floor.
Shauna peeled her socks off, cursing herself for not bringing over an extra pair as she tossed the wet ones towards his hamper in the hall.
As Shauna poked her head into the fridge, searching for the wine, she realized it wasn't just her socks that were a little damp. All that thinking about the person Shauna shouldn’t have been thinking about made her annoyed that she no longer had the second bedroom available to take care of her needs. Adam seemed to be in a pretty good mood that night, though. Maybe he’d be willing to stay up a little late with her and help her out. She could flirt a little, make more eye contact or touch his chest a little more, tricks she'd learned over the years almost always worked on men. God, they were so simple.
She pulled the neck of her shirt down a little farther while she hunted for the bottle of Sancerre they’d been drinking. A little extra wine and some cleavage wouldn’t hurt.
“You know, maybe you should clean off a shelf in here for this guy. Make him and his groceries feel welcome.”
As she spoke, head still inside the fridge, the sound of a key turning in the lock hit her ears.
At last, the mysterious Jack had arrived. She assumed that meant his girlfriend would be in tow as well. Shauna, for some reason, got a pit in her stomach. She couldn’t pinpoint why, but she was a little nervous about meeting the two of them. Was it because her perfume reminded her of someone she had to convince herself not to think about every day?
And that smelling that perfume all the time was most likely going to drive her insane, and make her think about the girl she couldn’t forget even more than she already thought about her, which was always?
She pulled down the hem of her shirt a little more.
Shauna wasn’t hiding behind the fridge door exactly, but she was definitely taking her time, waiting for Adam to greet his roommate before she joined the conversation.
She wanted to see what tone he’d use. If he used an excited tone to greet him, it would mean the guy seemed normal. Slow would mean Adam couldn’t get a read on the guy. Or dejected would mean the guy seemed like a weirdo.
But Adam didn’t use any of those tones. Instead, his tone was confused. Instead of greeting the guy, he questioned them?
“Oh, hi?”
Oh, hi? Shauna hadn’t thought about which scenario would leave him confused, what did confused mean? The guy was–
“Hi.”
--A girl?? Where was his roommate? Why would his girlfriend just show up alone? And why did she almost sound like--
When the woman’s voice rang out, there was a twinge of guilt in the one word she spoke. The voice raspy and just barely on the edge of all-too-familiar as the figure walked a few steps into the room, the door closing behind them. That one word, “hi,” had Shauna’s stomach tightening. She was imagining things. Where was the boyfriend? Why hadn't he talked?
Why did she feel lightheaded?
She needed to control her breathing and she needed to stop.
She needed to be normal to this guy and his probably very nice girlfriend, who may or may not use the same perfume as someone Shauna used to know.
She needed to be normal and not sneak into his room to spray some of her flannels with said perfume so she could take them home later and either cry into them or masturbate holding them.
Most likely both.
Both were unhealthy coping mechanisms. A secret she’d never reveal to anyone on the planet, too embarrassing to even let herself think about for too long, the feelings guaranteed to send herself down a shame spiral. But, well, if she was gonna go down one anyway, she might as well get off first.
She threw on a big fake smile, bottle of wine in hand, ready to offer up a glass and charm this guy and his girlfriend’s pants off (she’d have to get on her good side if she wanted to ask to use her perfume as early as immediately).
She took a deep breath and steeled herself, closing the fridge and standing to finally face the stranger at the door.
The pit in Shauna’s stomach grew.
She wanted to say hi.
She wanted to introduce herself.
She wanted to ask Adam’s roommate if they were settling in okay.
She wanted to offer a glass of wine.
She wanted to have a normal night in her normal life and meet some hopefully normal strangers who wouldn’t change the apartments’ status quo too much.
Instead, Shauna didn’t do any of those things.
Instead, Shauna froze.
Because Shauna was greeted by Jackie Taylor, her childhood best friend. Jackie Taylor, who she barely let herself think about, let alone picture, standing less than five feet in front of her.
Shauna almost convinced herself it wasn’t real, it was an elaborate creation of her brain that would both overjoy and devastate her in equal parts for days to come. But Shauna wasn’t daydreaming.
Jackie Taylor, who she hadn’t seen in years, was standing right there. In the same room. Within touching distance. Her eyes locked on Shauna’s as her gaze went from dumbstruck with shock, to confusion, to awe, to something altogether unreadable to Shauna in the span of about three seconds.
Her eyes may have been unreadable, but her smirk was just the same.
It was a smirk that had been haunting Shauna for the last four years. A smirk she searched for on every dark blonde woman in Providence. A smirk she told herself she’d never see again, and did her best to convince herself that it was for the best.
With a glint in her eye, she licked her lips, smirk transforming into a warm, familiar grin as she finally spoke.
“Hiya, Shipman. Long time no see.”