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How’s he supposed to feel? The old man’s dead, and he’s been dead for over a year. How’s he supposed to feel? He’d been holding it all in, trying to make sense of it all on his own. Sigmund’s, quote un quote, offer (ultimatum, more like) was only making it worse.
He’d paid lip service to Lloyd’s offer of listening to whatever he needed to say, but he had no desire to actually take it. Even as he stares holes in the stone wall that separate their rooms from each other he doesn’t want to go and talk to him. He really doesn’t. He really, really, really does not want to go over to Lloyd’s room and spill his soul out to him. Spill his soul and know Lloyd would be listening, and wasn’t judging him. Even if he should be, even if Randy deserved it, Lloyd would never direct his scorn at Randy.
It’s not like Lloyd doesn’t have a moral compass, or that he was the type to be permissive of atrocities, in fact he’s quite the opposite. He has a strong sense of what’s right and wrong and a desire to see wrong doers brought to justice. He’s a good, smart person. Yet despite that he’s somehow been duped into believing in Randy, seeing him as someone he could put his faith in. And Randy likes that.
He won’t deny that he’s a selfish bastard who likes being given the unconditional trust of Lloyd Bannings. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s the last person on this squad who deserves it. Elie, Tio, Noel, fuck, even Wazy were all more reliable than him.
Randolph Orlando is just a flake who shouldn’t be trusted to sit in his room unsupervised. After all, sitting in his room unsupervised was leading head long into getting up, off of his bed, and leaving his room to knock on the door next to his.
Lloyd comes to the door immediately, his eyes lighting up when he sees Randy. Honestly, what has he done to this poor boy to make him react like that to the sight of him, of all people?
“H-hey, Lloyd, do you have a moment?” Randy asks, trying to ignore the urge to run out the back exit and into Knox Forest, never to be seen again.
Lloyd just smiles brightly and nods, “Of course.” He says.
“Thanks… Can I come in?”
Of course, Lloyd had already moved away from the door and was leading Randy into his room, he never had to ask.
“Did you want to talk?” Lloyd asks, sitting down on the end of his bed.
“Yeah, something like that.” Randy looks around the room, deciding quickly to sit on the floor with his back against Lloyd’s bed.
“You don’t have to sit on my floor.” Lloyd says, and Randy can easily envision the exasperated look on Lloyd’s face.
“Too late, I’m already here.” Randy sighs before tipping his head back, looking up at the ceiling with his head against Lloyd’s mattress, “Sorry, I have no idea what I want to say.”
“That’s okay.” Lloyd says, his voice soft and unwaveringly kind, “Just take your time.”
“You don’t have to be so patient with me.”
“I wasn’t doing anything before you came in.” Lloyd counters, “You aren’t wasting my time.”
Lloyd’s always got a reason why he’s got time for Randy, always a reason for why he’s sticking around.
“Sorry, sorry. I just… There’s a lot going on, in my head… I just…” Randy bites his lip, he should’ve just gotten drunk, like he normally would, “I just can’t figure out what I feel…”
“That’s fair.” Lloyd says, while Randy feels him shifting around on the bed, “I’d probably struggle too, if I were in your position.” He says, Lloyd’s face appearing in Randy’s vision, “With everything that you’ve told me I can’t even begin to comprehend how you have to feel about your dad.”
“Heh, well, I guess that makes two of us…” Randy tries to laugh, but all that comes out is a dry exhale that serves only to make Lloyd look even more concerned.
“Does it hurt?” Lloyd asks.
“Nah, I wouldn’t call this… What I feel right now, painful.” Randy says, wishing he could will himself to close his eyes and look away from Lloyd’s face.
He doesn’t.
“It’s…” Randy fumbles around for the right word, “I feel… Sticky, inside.” It’s not quite the right word for it, but it’s close enough.
Lloyd, at least, doesn’t look confused. “It’s like everything you feel is melting together and it’s hard to sort out one feeling from another, right?”
This time, Randy’s able to get out some sort of small laugh, “You’re pretty understanding, for someone who’s normally so blockheaded.”
At that Lloyd pouts, “Wha… Why is everyone always misunderstanding me?” He groans, dropping his head down a little closer to Randy’s, “Or is everyone in this city’s standards so low that being nice is enough for some people?” He asks, possibly rhetorically, though Randy can resist an opening to tease Lloyd.
“Oh, so you do know that half the city wants you.”
“N-no!” Lloyd makes a few strangled, choking sounds, colour spreading across his cheeks, “That’s not what I-!” Lloyd stops himself and starts pouting again, “You’re just teasing me, aren’t you?”
“Mmm… It's a wonder I don’t do it more often, what with how easy you make it.” Randy cracks a proper smile, “And your reactions? You couldn’t put a price on those.” His smile turns into a smirk as Lloyd huffs.
“I seriously don’t get what you’re all going on about…” Lloyd grumbles, “Wh-whatever… Are you feeling any better?” He asks.
“Yeah, sorry for takin’ up your time.”
“You aren’t taking up my time.” Lloyd shakes his head, his expression almost disappointed, “I’ve always got time for you, Randy.” Lloyd’s smiling as if he wasn’t just complaining about this.
“‘Why is everyone misunderstanding me?’ He asks.” Randy scoffs before dropping his hand on top of Lloyd’s head, “Honestly I wonder if you’re deaf to your own voice sometimes.” Randy laughs, not noticing how red Lloyd was getting under his hand, “Anyway, thanks for listenin’ to me. See ya’ tomorrow, partner.”
“Sleep well, partner…”
______
Lloyd flops down on his bed the moment Randy closes the door behind him. He let Randy do it again, let him make a joke and weasel his way out of an uncomfortable situation. Lloyd really wishes he wasn’t such an easy mark. But after what Noel said on the train…
Noel had looked around sheepishly before leaning across her seat, lifting her hand to the side of her mouth “Um, Lloyd, the way you’re talking…” Lloyd could’ve sworn her face was getting significantly redder, “Do you, um, like-like Randy?”
“Eh?!” Lloyd did his best to chill his embarrassment and stop himself from putting his foot in his mouth.
“I-it’s alright… I don’t think it’s weird…” Noel seemed to have misread his confusion as a confession.
“W-well I’m glad you don’t think it’s weird, but I don’t like him that way.” Lloyd tried to regain his composure before asking, “What even makes you think that?” Lloyd would like to keep the accusations of leading people on to a minimum.
“W-well, you haven’t stopped talking about him… I-I was just starting to think…” Noel trailed off, looking down at the floor of the train.
“Th-that’s… I’m just worried about him, Tio and Elie are in their comfort zones, but Randy…” Randy would have to operate a rifle for the first time since he left the Red Constellation, he said he’d be fine since they’re training and live ammunition wouldn’t be used, but…
“Ahaha, of course, sorry, I think Fran’s been rubbing off on me too much…”
“W-well, better Fran than Wazy…”
Maybe, if it had been anyone other than Noel to say that, Lloyd probably would have forgotten about it by the time Randy got back. But it was Noel, and Noel wasn’t the type to comment on things like that. Hell, she wasn’t the type of person to even notice that. But the idea was only making him an easier mark, quicker to fluster.
So he’d ended up flipping the question over in his mind (failing to realise that that in and of itself should have sufficed as a sign of some sort) did he like-like Randy? Which is a rather childish way of phrasing it, sure, but what else does he have to describe this? But what did like-like~ing someone even entail? His only exposure to romance was being adjacent to Cecile and Guy and that was…
Lloyd’s not sure if he can properly remember how they ended up dating. It was sometime around when Lloyd was thirteen, possibly around when Guy’d rescued Tio. But Lloyd hadn’t noticed much of a change between them.
Maybe the two of them had always been a little bit in love with each other.
Now, Lloyd could go and ask Cecile, and he’s sure she’d be more than willing to tell him. But then she’d ask what triggered such a question - he’d never taken any interest in things like before - maybe she’d ask if Lloyd was maybe in love with someone, and she’d already been asking about his coworkers… No, no, he absolutely cannot ask Cecile. He can’t do that, at least not until he knows how he feels.
There was also Estelle and Joshua, but, just like Cecile and Guy they’d grown up together, Lloyd had met Randy eight months ago. And sure, they’d grown close with each other since then, but he’d also grown close to Tio and Elie as well so that hardly counts as a point.
Well, maybe if Lloyd had felt… Something, he would have felt it when they first met, how’d their first meeting in the conference room go? Randy introduced himself then made a crack about borrowing… Oh, he’d done the thing then, hadn’t he? The chief told them to give their name and where they’re from, and Randy wasn’t from anywhere, so he’d made an inappropriate joke to change the subject. He’d done the same thing that night at the annex, told Lloyd he was fired from the CGF for sexual harassment (his particular euphemism for it already scrubbed from Lloyd’s brain), quickly shut down the topic, even as it become clear that he was lying.
At first Lloyd thought it weird that sexual harassment was what he chose to use as his cover story, but then he remembered how he spoke on the boat back fron the Schwarze Auction, how certain he was that they’d abandon him. He didn’t want to get attached to them.
No, that wasn’t right, it was the other way around. Randy didn’t want them to get attached to him. He wanted them to keep their distance from him.
That was another thing, wasn’t it. Even if he so much as hinted he might really love him, Randy would crack a joke, wiggle out of any confession Lloyd tried to make. Randy doesn’t believe he belongs here, no matter how much they try to assure him he does.
Oh, Lloyd realises too late that he’s long conceded the point that he does, in fact, have a crush on Randy.
But that’s all it is! A silly little crush on a friend because (speaking objectively) he is an attractive guy with a likable personality. That’s it! That’s all it is! So Lloyd can just ignore it, just keep going forward. He has Randy by his side, calls him partner, Lloyd doesn’t need anything else out of Randy (who as far as he knows would never like him back).
That was the other thing, Lloyd didn’t even know if Randy liked men. Sure, Randy had made a few jokes that might allude to the possibility. But that’s all they were, jokes! He’d never made an active pass at any guy they’d met, unlike the passes he’d made on some of the women they’d met (though he had eased off on that since getting busted for lying about why he was fired, barring Aeolia, who he’d hit on the moment mention of Tio left the Bracer’s mouth).
There was no way Randy’d ever be into him.
Lloyd finds himself laying on his bed facing the wall that separates his room from Randy’s, had Randy gone to sleep already? Had he even been able to sleep at all?
It wasn’t fair to him, for Lloyd to be blind sighted by a childish crush (when he’s much too old to be having those), while Randy needed the person he trusted most to not be doing that. To be doing anything that wasn’t that.
Randy deserved better from Lloyd. He deserved better from everyone, from the world, he deserved better than anything anyone was capable of giving him.
______
Randy feels as though he’s beginning to break apart. That Uncle Sigmund throwing him to the ground had fractured more than the bone in his shoulder. The carapace covering the horrid mess inside of him was cracking in a way Randy couldn’t get to close.
He looks over at Lloyd, now sitting down next to him, letting the worst parts of Randy leak out all over him. Not spackling the cracks but shoving his fingers in and breaking him apart further. Randy wonders if Lloyd even realises what he’s doing, if he knows he’s making a domestic cat out of him.
Randy looks at Lloyd, despite everything that’s happened in the past few weeks he looks happier than before any of this happened. It’s more intoxicating to look at than any of the alcohol Randy had ever had. And really who could stay upset when drinking up Lloyd’s smile.
Aidios help him, how long had he been this far gone?
He’d follow those bright, hopeful eyes anywhere, he’d follow them knowing they’d never look at him the way he wished they would.
But that would be for the best, Lloyd was beautiful, kind, charismatic, really he was everything. He could half the population of Zemuria begging at his feet. There was someone, plenty of people, who were better than Randy.
So he was fine with the way things were, he had to be, he was fine with standing at Lloyd’s side for as long as the Goddess would permit it. It wouldn’t be that long, Randy knows that, not even Aidios could absolve him of, well, everything. She couldn’t save him from his inevitable date with the demons of Gehenna.
So for now, he’ll put on a smile, be the man the SSS needs him to be. Let himself goof off, make sure none of them realise anything is wrong with Randy. He loves them, loves them enough to know they shouldn’t be wasting their limited time worrying about him. All of them, but Lloyd especially, were too precious to waste their one life worrying about him. They all deserved to live their best lives, and Randy knows that’s a life without him.
______
It’s not like Lloyd’s never seen Randy without a shirt on, they share a bathroom. Strictly speaking, he’s seen Randy wearing less than what he had on now. Nothing but a towel, crimson hair darkened by water slicked back and out of his face, showing more of his strong jaw than usual. It wasn’t an uncommon sight, so common in fact that even Lloyd had begun to tune out every instance of it. But then he’d asked who looked the best, and Lloyd couldn’t stop his mind from detailing every rege of scarred skin and solid muscle in front of him. “Ilya’s kinda scared me.” Lloyd lies, “It doesn’t seem physically possible for it to stay put like that.”
Randy laughs, “Not too different from her costume though.”
“I guess…” Lloyd tries to laugh it off, he’s not sure if he’s entirely successful but Wazy comes in and saves him, if only by his convenient timing and scolding them for their wasting time.
Finally, Lloyd is free to extricate himself from the situation, at least attempt to push Randy out of his mind and give some attention to his other friends. It’s not like they were doing much better than Randy after the trade conference. Noel had been shaken by Chancellor Osborne, Elie had been brooding over Dieter’s Independence proposal, Wazy was obviously still bothered by whatever was going on with Wald, Cecile would only indulge if someone (himself or Ilya) invited her to do something, KeA was clearly being affected by tense mood in both the annex and in the streets, Rixia looked as though she was being tormented by something, Sully seemed nervous - probably about her upcoming debut, and Ilya was busy keeping the two of them together.
He tries to make time for them all, taking Wazy up the Castle of Mirrors, a curious Rixia into the Fortune Teller’s House, and he takes Cecile away from the rest area and onto the Ferris Wheel.
“The view up here is wonderful.” Cecile says, a soft smile on her face, “How does it compare to the view from Orchis Tower?” She asks.
“It’s definitely lower to the ground.” Lloyd says, “But I think I like this view more, the roof of Orchis Tower is so high up you can’t really see any of the details of Crossbell, you can see everything more clearly from here.”
“I see…” Cecile smiles and nods, her attention moving away from the window and over to Lloyd, “Hm, Lloyd? You haven’t been hiding anything from me?” She asks, her eyes looking harsh, well, not harsh, more like scrutinising.
“H-huh?! W-what would I be hiding from you?” Lloyd does a spectacularly terrible job of holding his shock back. Of course he’d never breathed a word about his crush on Randy to anybody, not even Cecile. But Cecile could tell he was bottling up his feelings, of course she could, she wanted to see him happy - quite possibly because she had long since discarded the idea that she could have romantic fulfilment, at least not while Guy’s killer was still at large - more than that, though, is that she wanted Lloyd to trust her.
Lloyd does trust Cecile, of course he does, but telling Cecile might - not might really, almost certainly would - lead to her encouraging Lloyd to actually confess. And she could convince him, there wasn’t much Cecile couldn’t convince him of. But he couldn’t allow her to convince him to do that, to confess, if it went wrong Cecile would blame herself for damaging Lloyd’s friendship with Randy. Lloyd couldn’t let that happen, he’d sooner usher in a second great collapse than let Cecile blame herself for something like that.
“Have you really gone and gotten a girlfri-”
“For the last time Cecile, no!” Lloyd can stop himself from pouting, “If I ever find someone I promise you’ll be the first to know.”
Cecile hums, “Did you have someone in mind?”
Lloyd shakes his head, only by the grace of Aidios is he able to stop himself from dissolving into a blabbering mess. “Sorry to disappoint.”
Cecile smiles, perhaps convinced, or perhaps understanding that Lloyd didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
The two of them get off of the Ferris Wheel, Cecile almost immediately getting snapped up by Ilya who drags her off to the Castle of Mirrors. Leaving Lloyd to walk back to the rest area on his own. He makes the mistake of noticing the costumed Mishette in the rest area’s bushes. But it gives him the chance to call up Tio, and let her take the lead in dragging him around the park to look for the pink costumed cat mascot. Tio’s practically skipping around, coolly rattling off all of the pieces of Mishette’s character. They’re given a Mishy strap that Lloyd lets Tio take to attach to her staff when she gets the chance. When he and Tio get back to the rest area, they find a very pale Elie being comforted by Noel while Wazy observes, sipping on a drink of some kind. “Elie, are you alright?” Lloyd asks as he and Tio approach the three of them at the table.
Elie doesn’t seem to hear him, only staring at the blank table while Noel rubs her back. “Elie is radiating a rather complex combination of emotions.” Tio says, “Terror, shock, annoyance, anger. Noel, did something happen?”
“Ahaha… W-well…”
“It appears Randy convinced her to get on the horror coaster.” Wazy states plainly.
Lloyd has to suppress the urge to laugh, Elie is, after all, very, very scared of ghosts, and very sensitive about her fear of ghosts. He shouldn’t laugh, even if the mental image of Elie successfully being convinced to even get near it was very funny. How the hell did he even manage to pull it off.
“Randolph.” She hisses, “Will be lucky to get off this island with his tongue still intact.”
“T-that's a little harsh.” Noel stammers.
“No punishment would be harsh enough.” Elie states.
“Now, now, I’m sure someone would be very disappointed to see Randy’s tongue gone.” Wazy has a suggestive look on his face, and he’s staring right at Lloyd.
“Well, someone’s tongue is pretty important to communication. We’d all be worse off if Elie cut it out.” Noel states, her characteristic obliviousness coming to save Lloyd, thankfully Elie wasn’t paying attention and Tio is… Well, hopefully Tio’s too young to understand what Wazy was insinuating.
“None of you are any fun.” Wazy pouts before taking another sip of his drink.
“I believe most of us are concerned with practicality.” Tio says, “Elie, please try to keep your displeasure to a minimum, and do not forget you are the one who let Randy convince you. Please try to learn from this experience.” She adds drily.
Elie grumbles before turning to Noel, “Do you wanna go on the Ferris Wheel, Noel?” She practically begs.
“Ah… Of course.” Noel nods and smiles before getting up and leaving the rest area with Elie.
Once the two of them are firmly out of ear shot Wazy sighs and sets a now empty drink down on the table, “You people are infuriating to deal with.” He sighs before standing up and stretching like a cat, “By the way, KeA dragged Randy off to the Castle of Mirrors, in case you were wanting to find either of them.” He says before leaving the rest area.
“I am thirsty.” Tio says, “please, continue to enjoy yourself.”
Lloyd laughs, “Alright, see you later Tio.”
Tio goes to sit down with Zeit as Lloyd leaves the rest area, going to the Castle of Mirrors, hoping to catch KeA and take her where she wanted. Lloyd finds the two of them standing together on the bridge, KeA clearly listening intently to whatever Randy is telling her. Lloyd feels a little bad breaking them up, but KeA looks excited to go with Lloyd, and Randy assures him it’s fine.
KeA asks him to go to the Horror Coaster, and Lloyd can’t say no to her. It’s not actually that scary, though Lloyd would believe that Mariabell designed it solely to spook Elie, easily, Lloyd would be willing to put money on it. KeA seems to have enjoyed herself, she looks happy, telling Lloyd she’s going off to find Zeit.
The sun was already beginning to sink below the horizon. The sun was setting and he had one ticket left.
It doesn’t take him long to find Randy, sitting in the rest area, thankfully on his own with no Wazy in sight. Lloyd didn’t need him making unnecessary comments. “Hey, Randy.”
“Yo, Lloyd, wha’cha need?”
“Do you want to go on the Ferris Wheel with me?” Lloyd’s well aware how it sounds coming out of his mouth, he sounds like some kind of teenager asking their first crush out on a date - it doesn’t occur to him that that is exactly what he’s doing, “I went on it earlier with Cecile.” He continues, trying to cover for obvious he’s being, “But the view should look different this late in the evening.”
“You ain't gotta convince me.” Randy smiles, in that beautiful and kind way that made Lloyd wish he had just a little bit more courage, “C’mon, line’ll get too long if we wait.” Randy says, springing up from his seat and walking rather briskly with Lloyd to the Ferris Wheel.
“I was right.” Lloyd says as the Ferris Wheel gets about halfway up, “It does look pretty different in the evening.”
“S’a pretty view.” Randy agrees and Lloyd’s sure he’s smiling, not that he can bring himself to even look in Randy’s direction, “Tell me, you makin’ a pass at the Orlando?”
Lloyd has to do his best not to sputter wildly. “Not at all.” Aidios Lloyd wishes he was making a pass at Randy. He wishes he had the courage to confess to Randy in an enclosed space where neither of them would be able to leave for multiple minutes. Lloyd could never do that.
So Lloyd just huffs and shakes his head, “How’ve you been holding up? You’ve been putting on a brave face but…” Lloyd trails off, this wasn’t much better than confessing, “You’re always deflecting concern to someone else.”
“I’m…” As Randy seems to be winding up for another deflection Lloyd manages to throw a glare in his direction, enough of one that Randy seems to deflate, “I’m scared.” Randy admits, voice barely above a whisper, “Trade Conference is over, but Sigmund’s crew is still bumming around… They shouldn’t be, there’s not an overlap between people with Red Constellation money and people with Red Constellation jobs here in Crossbell. They should’ve fucked off the moment Osborne paid them for that massacre.” Randy shakes his head and looks out of the window, “Sorry, we’re supposed to be relaxin’, ‘nd here I am yappin’ about work.” He says.
But Lloyd shakes his head, “I’m glad you told me, and…” Lloyd smiles, “It’s okay to be scared. Honestly, I’d be more concerned if you weren’t. I feel like sometimes you want to forget that you’re a person as well.”
“It’d be nice.” Randy whispers, “If I could just stop feeling, might be easier to be around me…” He mumbles.
“Randy you-”
“Shouldn’t say things like that. I know, s’why I don’t, normally.”
“That’s not what I was going to say.” Lloyd shakes his head, “You’re warm and emotional, you’re easy to be around.” He smiles, “You can be mischievous and sometimes annoying, but you’re also observant and caring… I don’t think you could do all that if you just… Froze over.” Lloyd says, getting to compliment Randy making his chest feel tighter than it probably should, and while Lloyd can’t see it through the golden glare of the setting sun, Lloyd’s earnest praise setting his face on fire and making the corner of his eyes sting.
“You ain’t… You ain’t gotta lay it on that thick, ‘specially when I ain’t got no way out.”
Lloyd feels just a tiny pang of guilt, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“I know you don’t.” Randy says, “just, well, everythin’ in moderation. You don’t want me gettin’ a swelled head.”
Lloyd laughs, the tension in their small capsule completely dissolving and Randy too, descended into boyish laughter. He looks beautiful like this, Lloyd thinks, glowing in the late evening sunlight and smiling, genuinely smiling. It almost aches to look at, knowing Randy doesn’t think he deserves it. Lloyd’s not sure if he can ever get Randy to understand how worthiness doesn’t factor into any of this. He chose to be here, with them, he never chose to be the Red Reaper. One day, Lloyd thinks he’ll have the words, have the ability to properly explain to Randy everything he feels, without falling for his frightened attempts at redirection.
______
Maybe he’s lucky Lynn and Aeolia got caught out alone in the wetlands, he wouldn’t have known about the Enigma’s SOS feature, if not for them. And maybe it’s a waste for him to leave it behind, they’ll know exactly where he’s going, but if he has it his way, he’ll be gone by the time they realise what’s going on.
He loves them. He’ll admit that. They’re the only thing that’s ever mattered in his miserable 22 years of existence. They’ve given his life so much meaning. His life isn’t worth a whole lot, it’s worth giving up for their sake. They’d never let him. He knows that. Wazy waiting for him outside the building is proof enough of that, but Wazy’s not the type to let his emotions overcome reason, being a church knight will do that to you. Freezes you over in the same way being a jaeger did. He’d slaughtered enough of them to know. He’s probably killed someone who was close to Wazy, a mentor, a friend, didn’t matter, he’d be paying for it soon enough.
He gets his old case (and a couple drinks, not too many though, he can’t get drunk before doing this) from Drake, and he doesn’t have to crack it open to know that the weapon inside’s nothing more than a bunch of junk. The only person in Crossbell with a chance to fix Berzerker is Guillaume. He’s not sure why the old man is even in his shop this early in the morning, but he’s not going to complain.
He opens up the case and asks Guillaume if there’s anything he can do, he’s not exactly in a position to be changing his gun out now. If the Goddess didn’t want him to die here, Guillaume wouldn’t have said yes. He stocks up on ammo and grenades from Ashleigh and is able to snap up an unregistered Enigma to shove his quartz in. He’s able to get a few extra hours of sleep in Imelda’s empty apartment building. It’s nostalgic, he spent his first few weeks in Crossbell sleeping in Downtown’s abandoned buildings during the day and drinking himself near death at night. If Erebonia’s drinking age was a single year lower, how different would his life be? It’s not a question worth pondering. Not now.
He slips out of Crossbell city, noticed only by someone from Heiyue, there’s maybe a fifty fifty chance of that getting back to Cao, and he’s got maybe a thirty percent chance of the White Orchid Dragon snitching to the SSS.
This was going to be it for him. But, at least this was dying for something. In the abstract, it’s for the safety of Crossbell, and closer to his chest, is revenge for the Guardsmen of Bellguard Gate. They were his coworkers, his friends, they all had lives that were ripped away from them.
They’d grieve him, for maybe a week, then they’d be able to get on with their lives. Better lives, now that he’d be gone.
Their fight goes on, Berzerker’s blade is just as sharp and fires just as well as it had two years ago. The Red Reaper delights in the bloodshed. This is what he’s supposed to do, this is all he’s able to do. He shouldn’t have tried to do anything else, it was all doomed to just end up soaked in as much blood as the rest of him. Dirtied hands that could only spread their filth to anything they touch. Ripping apart jaegers and cougars alike is much more what he’s suited to.
Shirley finally jumps into the battle, the greatest proof of his corrupting influence. She’s going to kill him. The monster he raised and cultivated. A fitting, even poetic way for him to die. Berzerker is ripped in half while his body is thrown to the floor like a ragdoll.
Maybe he has some lingering regrets, but he deserves those. As the sound of Shirley’s chainsaw gets closer he feels something, something primal scratching at the inside of his ribcage. He doesn’t want to die, not now, not here, not like this, not with a shitty note as the only thing he did to say goodbye.
When did he find so much to live for?
Well, too little, too late.
They’d never forgive him, finally, they’d never forgive him.
Maybe he wouldn’t have to die with regrets.
He’s barely able to look up from his position, barely able to see Shirley lift Testa-Rossa over head then bring it down. It should fall on him, shred through his abdomen and liquify his insides. But it doesn’t come, it stops, whirring blades held in place by familiar tonfa.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! This couldn’t be happening. They shouldn’t have come here. This is a bloodied battlefield, not a place for any of them, with their love of justice and hopes for a brighter future. Shirley would shred them. Even one jaeger was strong enough to slaughter half of them on their own. They were all going to die, and it was going to be his fault. He can barely move, and even if he could, Randy's weapon is completely busted, he wouldn’t be of much use. Why did they come after him? He wasn’t worth dying for.
When Shirley and her squad leave he’s finally able to get up on his feet. He grabs Lloyd by his shoulders and beg for answers, questioning those who should’ve known better, why do they want him to live so badly, can’t they see what he’s done, most of the blood and all of the corpses on the mountain path was put there by him. He’s done worse than this… Not everyone he’s killed were combatants, he didn’t hesitate to use an innocent village as bait. He’s a monster.
Lloyd just laughs at him, he fucking laughs at him, looks at him with the brightest, kindest eyes on the continent, “I was worried.” He says, voice soft and full of unwavering resolve, “That when we caught you, you’d laugh it off, make a joke out of everything like you usually do. So really, I’m glad you said all that. But to answer your question.”
Randy can’t say anything, he doesn’t have anything left inside of him to say. He can do nothing as Lloyd tosses Randy’s grip aside and grabs him by his collar and pulls him down to Lloyd’s level.
“I didn’t come here to get my whole team killed! I came here to save the life of one!” He exclaims, “I can’t force you to forgive yourself, you can live your life wallowing in guilt, if that’s what you want. But just know, I’ll always forgive you. Even if you don’t believe you deserve it” The words are left to hang in the air, and this time it’s Randy’s turn to laugh.
“You’re really gonna stick your neck out all the way out, for a guy who almost got you all killed?”
“Every time.”
“Oh, well, Lloyd can speak for himself on that one.” Wazy, seeming to finally find his characteristic audacity, says with a cat-like smile, which finally knocks the last of Randy’s angst out of him.
“No one asked you, snitch.”
Wazy makes some kind of offended scoff as Lloyd and the girls throw various glares in the Church Knight’s direction, “I’ll have you know I didn’t breathe a word to anybody.”
“You knew?!” Noel practically shrieks.
“Oh, I would have saved us a grand total of 5 minutes all up.” Wazy says, “And don’t me tell our little intervention would have gone half as well if we were doing it on five hours of sleep after facing Ouroboros’ Steel Maiden?”
“Thin ice.” Tio mumbles.
Elie clicks her tongue, “Honestly.”
“H-he does have a point though.” Noel concedes.
“Don’t humour him, Noel.” Lloyd instructs.
Randy looks over the group, all the tension had fizzled away and they were all together again. Randy can’t describe how happy it makes him.
______
If the only thing that factored into falling asleep was exhaustion, Lloyd should’ve passed out hours ago. Yet, he’s spent the past however many hours staring up at the ceiling. His whole body aches, his eyes are still stinging from the smoke, while his throat burns from that same reason. It’s 3 a.m. when Lloyd gives up on sleeping, getting out of his bed and opening up his door, everyone had left their ash and blood soaked clothes in the laundry’s sink, he could always go and scrub those. As Lloyd steps out of the hallway he can see light streaming out from under the door to Randy’s room, Lloyd supposes he’s not the one unable to sleep. He’s sure everyone in the SSS is awake right now.
He’s right: Elie is in her room on the phone with Mariabell, Tio is playing a low energy game of Pom! Pom! Party! against Jona, Noel is sitting in the lobby of St Ursula, bouncing her leg and squeezing Clarise’s hand so tight she might break it, Wazy was being dragged down to Trinity by Abbas before he could collapse from exhaustion, while Zeit was carefully guarding the sleeping KeA.
He knocks on the door of Randy’s room. Randy gives him an exhausted sounding “Come in” before Lloyd opens the door. Randy’s room isn’t any different from when he left it in the morning, well, yesterday morning now. The main difference was that Randy was inside it, dressed down to his usual black shirt and grey sweatpants, his long red hair still damp and out of its usual ponytail, flowing around his broad shoulders and muscular chest. Bright blue eyes covered with a sheen of exhaustion, yet still full of life.
“Tired?” Randy asks.
Lloyd nods, “Yeah.”
“Can’t sleep?”
“No…” Lloyd shakes his head.
“Need somethin’ to take the edge off?” He asks, gesturing to the table in the corner that should have been his desk but had long since become his liquor cabinet.
“Ah…” Lloyd pauses, “Sure, that sounds nice.”
“Cool, take a seat, I’ll pour you somethin’.” Randy pats the couch, inviting Lloyd to sit down before getting up to pour Lloyd a small amount of whisky, getting none for himself.
Randy passes Lloyd the barely filled glass before sitting down beside Lloyd, his weight sinking into the couch and pulling Lloyd closer to him. Lloyd resists the urge to push himself further into Randy’s space, but he resists, instead taking a sip of the whisky. Lloyd’s not a big fan of the taste, he’s always found the chemical taste of alcohol over powers the taste of the liquor, though perhaps his palette is still immature, after all, he doesn’t drink that often.
He again steals a glance at Randy, taking a few selfish moments to revel in it. They were home, after everything that had happened, they’d made it home. They were home and they were together. Lloyd lifts his free hand up from beside his leg, and - maybe because of exhaustion - he can’t catch and stop himself from setting his fingers against Randy’s neck, feeling his heart beat thrum beneath the thin layer of skin. By the time Lloyd catches himself it’s too late and Randy’s callous, ungloved hand had taken Lloyd’s in his. He’s expecting Randy to push him away, and Lloyd braces himself for that kind of inevitable rejection. But it never comes, Randy’s hand just squeezes his hand and he whispers out an “I’m sorry for scarin’ you like that.” There’s a small little shake to his voice as his bright blue eyes become glassy and wet, “I didn’t think I’d be back in here ever again… Thank you…” He whispers, “For comin’ after me.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” Lloyd whispers back, pressure in his chest rising to the point of becoming painful.
Perhaps it was just the exhaustion between them, but Lloyd didn’t want to be restrained, he’d come so close to losing Randy once already, it wasn’t enough to just stand beside him. Not without being honest.
“You’re important to me.” Lloyd whispers, “I don’t want to think about my life without you in it.”
Randy sniffs, it might have been a scoff if he had more energy, “You shouldn’t talk like that, I’m libel to think I’m hearin’ a confession.”
“You are.” Lloyd states, cupping Randy’s jaw with his hand, “I love you.” Lloyd sets his glass down on the floor in the few moments of stunned silence his frank confession had earned him.
“I’ve felt this way for a while.” Lloyd says, his newly freed hand moving past the far end of Randy’s temple and weaving itself into his loose hair, “I was going to keep it to myself but… I don’t want to leave anything unsaid. I… None of us get a second chance…” Lloyd’s no longer sure he can even string a full sentence together, his heart beating too quickly for his mind to keep up with it.
“I know what you mean.” Randy says, the tone of his dropping down and flustering Lloyd further as he cradles the back of Lloyd’s head, taking the lead from Lloyd and pulling him closer, “Do you want to kiss me?”
“I…” Lloyd almost chokes on the physical need to feel more of Randy, “Yeah.”
“Then close your eyes.” Randy instructs, and Lloyd obliges, closing his eyes and waiting barely a moment before he feels the warmth of Randy’s lips on his.
The hand on Randy’s jaw migrates to his shoulder while the one in his hair runs blunted nails through his scalp. Randy’s own fingers scratch at Lloyd’s scalp while his hereto unused hand settles in the small of Lloyd’s back, though Lloyd wishes it were lower. He wants more than just a mildly charged kiss, he pushes his tongue to the seam of Randy’s mouth, which obediently opens, allowing Lloyd to push his tongue inside. There’s the vague taste of something metallic in Randy’s mouth, probably a small amount of blood he coughed up while fighting with Shirley or Sigmund. Maybe if Lloyd were anymore lucid he would recoil in disgust, or concern about possibly swallowing someone else’s blood, but in his haze of exhaustion and lust he brushes past it deepening their kiss and allowing Randy to pull him into his lap, feeling solid leg muscle beneath him flexing, tensing and relaxing as Lloyd comfortably settles on him. He finally breaks their kiss and pulls his head back, swallowing down the excess of saliva in his mouth and taking in Randy’s slightly dishevelled appearance, reddened lips and flushed skin, glistening blue eyes looking back at him. He’s so beautiful.
“I love you.” Lloyd says, this time his voice barely able to get above a quiet whisper, fatigue quickly settling into his bones, before kissing Randy’s forehead.
“I love you too.” Randy whispers back before putting his mouth against Lloyd’s neck and softly kisses him there.
“You can leave a mark.” Lloyd whispers.
“Do you want me too?”
“Yeah.” Lloyd confirms, “I want you to leave a mark on me.”
“M’kay.” Randy whispers before putting his mouth against Lloyd’s neck, sucking the skin before lightly sinking his teeth in light enough not to break the skin, but hard enough that there’d still be a mark tomorrow.
Randy releases his neck with a quiet pop before looking back up at Lloyd. “Is this as far as you wanna go?” he asks, “I’m fine if all you’re up for tonight is makin’ out.”
“I…” Lloyd looks into Randy’s eyes, there’s a familiar thick, shared exhaustion to them both, “I don’t think I have the energy for anything more intense.” He’s almost embarrassed, having his inexperience shining through, “But, can we still sleep together? Literally, I mean.”
Randy chuckles softly, “‘Course. You want me to carry you?”
“How do you have the energy for that?” Lloyd lets himself have one exhausted, exasperated sigh.
“For you? I’ve got all the strength I need.” He whispers.
“You just want to show off.”
“Maybe. But I’ll never tell.” Randy laughs softly, his usual mischief and mirth returning to him, before wrapping one hand around his back and the other around his ass, easily lifting him off his lap and into the air and easily taking him across the room before setting him down on his bed. Randy holds his body over Lloyd’s, kissing his forehead before joining him and pulling Lloyd into his arms, letting Lloyd put his ear against Randy’s chest, listening to constant beating of his heart and letting the sound lull him to sleep.